TW: from overweight to underweight. My story + pictures
Started by Daintygirltobe, Jul 25 2022 03:02 AM
6 replies to this topic
#1 
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Posted 25 July 2022 - 03:02 AM
Hello everyone. I’m going to tell my story as I literally have no-one to tell it to. It might sound pro ana, so please do not read if you’re trying to recover.
I was a fat kid. My uncle, my mother and other relatives would often refer to me as a “little bun”, because I was soft and squishy like a bun. I’ve been dreaming of weight loss perhaps since I was 9, but my result-causing eating tendencies started only as I was 16. I’d lose, then gain. Then lose, then gain. And I have never achieved the skinny body like I dreamed of. Until now, as I am 23 years old.
As someone who’s have gone through “successful” transformation (I personally felt sense of achievement when I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa), I can sum up the cons and pros of this. Obviously, I did not lose it in a healthy way, or I wouldn’t be writing here.
Pros:
- People compliment your body
- Look good in cute girly clothes
- A lot of men attention, pretty privilege, men are willing to do anything for you and pay for everything you want (when I was fat I was NEVER treated this way, best dates I’d get would be going for a walk in a park)
Cons:
- Cannot enjoy socialising with people due to anxiety over food
- Puke 3-4 times a week, bulimic tendencies (or AN-purging) even outside of my home
- I c/s every single day
- 0 food freedom, always eating the same things not to provoke puking or immense sense of guilt
- Fkd up physical health (dry skin, worse vision, heart palpitations, constant nausea, headaches, weakness, dizziness, ruined period, etc)
- Fkd up mental health (diagnosed depression, taking horse-sized dose of antidepressants, barely ever sleep, barely ever leave my home)
- Low self esteem, but faking it
- Hate my body nonetheless, despise every tiny centimetre of fat
- Body dysphoria, I feel huge and insecure
- Lost all my friends, am extremely lonely
- Not managing to finish my degree, keep taking academic vacations
- No actual goals apart from perfect body, still (I have academic/career goals just to fit in and appear normal, I dont actually care)
- Do not feel like an adult, I always need someone to take care of me and protect me and lead me where to go
- Self-harm scars over my body
- Do not genuinely believe any compliment I hear, cannot trust people because of how the treatment of me changed from everyone
- Constant anxiety of gaining weight because you don’t want to lose the nice treatment you get from people
- Bony body, hurts laying or sitting in certain positions (like laying in tanning bed)
- Thinking of my body or food all the time, still obsessing about bettering my body
- Weight myself every day, the number dictates my mood for the day
- Living life that’s a lie, constantly in need of hiding things even from people closest to me
- Poor sport’s performance, barely lift anything, heart pulse can go to 180 if I go too fast
- Still never dared to go to the beach, nor I could
- Cannot actually see a nice future for myself regarding family or career or friendships because I do not see myself ever healing my messed up mind (nor I want to; I came too far)
Well, that’s my experience. I do not suggest anything, just sharing. If anyone wants to chat with me, I am very willing to do it; perhaps I can share some tips (for reducing harm) if you’re in a place as deep as I was and am. I know nothing can stop such person. No warning ever stopped me.
I’ll delete this post eventually.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I was a fat kid. My uncle, my mother and other relatives would often refer to me as a “little bun”, because I was soft and squishy like a bun. I’ve been dreaming of weight loss perhaps since I was 9, but my result-causing eating tendencies started only as I was 16. I’d lose, then gain. Then lose, then gain. And I have never achieved the skinny body like I dreamed of. Until now, as I am 23 years old.
As someone who’s have gone through “successful” transformation (I personally felt sense of achievement when I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa), I can sum up the cons and pros of this. Obviously, I did not lose it in a healthy way, or I wouldn’t be writing here.
Pros:
- People compliment your body
- Look good in cute girly clothes
- A lot of men attention, pretty privilege, men are willing to do anything for you and pay for everything you want (when I was fat I was NEVER treated this way, best dates I’d get would be going for a walk in a park)
Cons:
- Cannot enjoy socialising with people due to anxiety over food
- Puke 3-4 times a week, bulimic tendencies (or AN-purging) even outside of my home
- I c/s every single day
- 0 food freedom, always eating the same things not to provoke puking or immense sense of guilt
- Fkd up physical health (dry skin, worse vision, heart palpitations, constant nausea, headaches, weakness, dizziness, ruined period, etc)
- Fkd up mental health (diagnosed depression, taking horse-sized dose of antidepressants, barely ever sleep, barely ever leave my home)
- Low self esteem, but faking it
- Hate my body nonetheless, despise every tiny centimetre of fat
- Body dysphoria, I feel huge and insecure
- Lost all my friends, am extremely lonely
- Not managing to finish my degree, keep taking academic vacations
- No actual goals apart from perfect body, still (I have academic/career goals just to fit in and appear normal, I dont actually care)
- Do not feel like an adult, I always need someone to take care of me and protect me and lead me where to go
- Self-harm scars over my body
- Do not genuinely believe any compliment I hear, cannot trust people because of how the treatment of me changed from everyone
- Constant anxiety of gaining weight because you don’t want to lose the nice treatment you get from people
- Bony body, hurts laying or sitting in certain positions (like laying in tanning bed)
- Thinking of my body or food all the time, still obsessing about bettering my body
- Weight myself every day, the number dictates my mood for the day
- Living life that’s a lie, constantly in need of hiding things even from people closest to me
- Poor sport’s performance, barely lift anything, heart pulse can go to 180 if I go too fast
- Still never dared to go to the beach, nor I could
- Cannot actually see a nice future for myself regarding family or career or friendships because I do not see myself ever healing my messed up mind (nor I want to; I came too far)
Well, that’s my experience. I do not suggest anything, just sharing. If anyone wants to chat with me, I am very willing to do it; perhaps I can share some tips (for reducing harm) if you’re in a place as deep as I was and am. I know nothing can stop such person. No warning ever stopped me.
I’ll delete this post eventually.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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#5
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Posted 04 August 2022 - 12:58 PM
Wow! What an incredible story - thank you so much for sharing! I am sorry what you have been through, hopefully you can find peace in your body at some point - you truly look amazing now!
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