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#1 
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Posted 13 January 2016 - 02:32 PM
hello!
height: 5'4 / 163cm
HW: 139
thread SW: 119
CW: 95-97 depending on bloat
BMI: 16.5
GW1: 105
✨⭐️ UGW: 95 ⭐️✨
plans:
400-800 net calories per day
10/6/16 update: hit my ugw!! increasing to maintenance
12/7/16 update: started maintenance intake!!
currently: using the fitbit app to estimate my daily tdee (i dont have a fitbit, just use my phone step tracker so its basically bmr + steps i think) so intake can vary depending on how lazy/active i am c: but is generally 1400-1700
still pretty much maintaining booyaaa !
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Posted 14 January 2016 - 09:11 PM
14/1
weight: 118.4 (-0.6) / bmi: 20.7
breakfast:
41g kelloggs all-bran flakes (146) with 100ml koko coconut milk (27) peppermint tea (0) multivitamin (0)
I forgot about the photo thing and ate 2 mouthfuls of the bran flakes before taking it
lunch:
nakd cocoa delight bar (135)
dinner:
4 fish fingers (248) with ketchup (17) green tea with lemon (1)
handful of cereal (50) - not pictured
(gonna use italics for estimations)
after dinner (pub):
pint of diet coke (4)
total: 628
today was great! I signed up for the gym and will be going to it tomorrow. I plan on burning off my breakfast and lunch calories so that my net intake will just be whatever I eat in the evening. I already failed the taking photos of everything I eat thing with that stupid cereal but I was just curious to try it, it was star wars cereal hahaha. i'll try to get used to being more disciplined.
see you tomorrow
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Posted 15 January 2016 - 02:00 PM
15/1
weight: 117.6 (-0.8) / bmi: 20.6
breakfast:
40g kelloggs all-bran flakes (143) with 100ml koko coconut milk (27)
peppermint tea (0) multivitamin tablet (0)
lunch:
wholemeal sandwich thin (115) with 2tbsp chocolate pb2 (45)
dinner:
cheese pizza sub (284) and 40g maltesers (204) green tea with lemon (1)
the maltesers had melted together i'm guessing on the drive back to uni hahaha
total: 819
hour exercise bike (-200)
1/2 hour speedwalk on treadmill (-130)
net total: 489
the bike machine actually said i'd burnt 300 but I wasn't asked to input my weight so I rounded down to 200 as 300 wouldn't have been accurate, and I know when I went on a bike machine last week I burnt 200 in 53 minutes so I figured it was safe to assume i'd burnt 200. so I succeeded in burning off my breakfast and lunch 
i'm also super happy about my weigh in today!
I would've been fine just eating the pizza sub for dinner but I wanted to be within my 400-800 net goal which is why I added a dessert, my reasons for this is because i'm hoping eating more and having an 800 limit will be easier to keep up long term rather than trying to restrict lower, and i'll actually end up losing more weight long term hopefully. also maltesers are my absolute favourite thing
tomorrow I think i'm going to go shopping as I have some gift cards and birthday money to spend. depending on my weight in the morning I might get something from mcdonalds hahaha. but if I haven't lost weight I won't.
I think that's all I had to say today, see you tomorrow ~
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Posted 16 January 2016 - 01:20 PM
16/1
weight: 117.2 (-0.4) / bmi: 20.5
"brunch":
trek cocoa oat protein flapjack (227) peppermint tea (0) multivitamin tablet (0)
dinner:
wholemeal sandwich thin (115) 4 fish fingers (248) ketchup (17) 17.5g bag of wispa bites chocolate (96) green tea lemon (1)
total: 704
I bought quite a lot of food today so I have lots of nice stuff to get through 
I know my net calorie goal is 400-800 but in my mind i've kinda had a 600~ limit so today I feel like my total is quite high but I justified the chocolate by the fact that i've walked a fair amount today. my phone says I was nearly at 10000 steps, and walked over 4 miles so idk. (btw, that's a lot for me lol)
I think once i'm at a weight i'm more comfortable with then i'll start eating up to 800 because I really want to keep this up long term!
also UK people I recommend those trek cocoa oat bars so much, they're so stodgy and filling and delicious
another side note, anyone else find it sad how high calorie chocolate is?? I took a photo of the chocolate I ate today because I just found it funny how I was wasting nearly 100 calories on such a small packet:
but yeah I love it c':
see you tommorow
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#5
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Posted 17 January 2016 - 01:05 PM
17/1
weight: 116.8 (-0.4) / bmi: 20.5
breakfast:
40g all-bran flakes (143) with 100ml coconut milk (27) peppermint tea (0) multivitamin tablet (0)
lunch:
graze "new york everything bagel" punnet (146) green tea with lemon (1)
dinner:
wholemeal sandwich thin (115) with 150g king prawns (108) and 1tbsp tesco healthy living mayo (14) fizzy vimto zero (10)
total: 564
guys I ordered quest bars. they're not really a thing over here so i've never tried them before and i'm so excited. they should arrive on tuesday! I probably shouldn't have ordered them though as I have a bunch of food to get through haha whoops.
this level of restriction is going well so far. I haven't felt weak or gotten any headaches like I would at heavy restriction but I am still getting hungry and I do get cravings sometimes. I am happy with my current level of weightloss too! I hope my body keeps it up!
the lowest weight i've been at the past few years was like 111ish so once I get to that kinda level i'm gonna be so happy. I think i'm gonna continue not to fully hit my 800 calorie limit until i've lost a few more lbs. when I get under 110 I doubt i'll mind if weightloss slows down as it'll be all new exciting territory if you get what I mean. like the only real goal date I have is to hit 95 before I go home for summer (end of may) so it gives me ages. I figured out today that if I lose 2.5lbs a week I should hit it in just over 2 months so. feeling good
seeya tommorow
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#6
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Posted 18 January 2016 - 11:52 AM
18/1
weight: 116.4 (-0.4) / bmi: 20.4
breakfast:
40g all-bran flakes (143) 100ml coconut milk (27) peppermint tea (0) multivitamin tablet (0)
lunch:
small-medium banana (105) with 2tbsp chocolate pb2 (45) ~ I dipped the banana into the pb2 omg it was heavenly
dinner:
graze vietnamese pho (56) with wholemeal sandwich thin (115) ~ didn't eat all the pho, only around half but counted cals for whole bowl
graze carrot cake (81) green tea with lemon (1) ~ close up of the carrot cake:
after dinner snack:
cheesestring (61)
total: 634
guys i've been craving a cheesestring for a while so I thought i'd just have one and 5/8 of them have been stolen by my flatmates :/ idk whether to be mad or relieved lol. student halls life
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Posted 19 January 2016 - 05:37 PM
19/1
weight: 116.4 / bmi: 20.4
breakfast:
small-medium banana (105) multivitamin tablet (0)
lunch:
pitta bread (173) 1/3 tub caramelised onion houmous (127) peppermint tea (0)
dinner:
freddo (95) green tea with lemon (1)
pub/karaoke fun times:
2 pints of diet coke (8)
total: 509
I maintained today bleh. atleast I didn't gain though. but it makes me really tempted to take lax and i'm trying not to because I really don't want my body to be any more reliant on those things so i'm just gonna wait it out. I wasn't planning on eating the freddo today to keep my intake around 400 and have spare calories for if I fancied a drink tonight when I went out to the pub/karaoke but I decided honestly I don't even want to drink i'd much rather have chocolate hahaha, so I just had diet cokes which was fine!
on a positive note look what arrived today omgggggggg
i'm gonna try one tomorrow! I think the double chocolate chunk one as it's the lowest calorie (only 160 omg) and it looks/sounds so delicious omg. i'm actually too excited. i'll let you know how it tastes tomorrow
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#8
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Posted 20 January 2016 - 01:14 PM
20/1
weight: 115.8 (-0.6) / bmi: 20.3
breakfast:
small-medium banana (105) multivitamin (0)
lunch:
double chocolate chunk quest bar (160) peppermint tea (0)
dinner:
pitta bread (173) with 1/3 tub caramelised onion houmous (127) green tea with lemon (1) special k biscuit moments (98) cheesestring (61)
so embarrassed to even type this ugh. I binged and purged:
garlic bread (300) 2 popping candy freddos (190) chomp bar (120) cheesestring (61) sweet chilli velvet crunch crisps (87) caramel freddo (98)
total with purged cals: 1581
total without purged cals: 725
so real total somewhere inbetween those
so this is what happened. idk if it was even caused by restriction or what but my flatmate was reheating his takeaway and basically he offered me a piece of garlic bread and i just thought okay fuck it it smells so nice, and whilst i was eating it i was thinking okay definitely gonna purge this. so then with the idea of purging in my mind i just thought im already fat let's just eat more to purge too and i was just impulsively shoving these freddos in my mouth lol. it all came up quite easily so im really praying i don't gain, i'll be happy with just maintaining after this. just so so mad at myself and my stupid fat brain. on the bright side i (kinda on purpose) got through a lot of my birthday chocolate so i dont have that sitting around to tempt me anymore
in other news the quest bar was pretty good. very very filling, so much that after eating it i felt a little ill because i wasn't used to eating something so stodgy. the chocolate flavour was nice but not very rich. overall it's great considering its calories and nutritional values and i can't wait to try the other flavours.
see you tomorrow please pray for me to not gain im so upset and embarassed rn lol
if ive gained i might have a super low cal day. if ive maintained i'll just do what i've been doing. either way i think im gonna go to the gym tomorrow
**EDIT** I b/p again and didnt even keep track of the calories 
idek whats happening today. it started with the getting offered food thing again. again i purged well but they say you can never get everything up and im just terrified for the scale tomorrow now. i wont let this happen again this is the whole reason why i was trying to restrict higher ugh. just anxious to wake up tomorrow and weigh and see the damage so i know how much work i gotta put into fixing this. so humiliated i dont even belong in these forums
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#9
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Posted 21 January 2016 - 01:38 PM
21/1
weight: 114.8 (-1.0) / bmi: 20.1
breakfast:
small-medium banana (105) with 2tbsp chocolate pb2 (45) peppermint tea (0) multivitamin (0)
lunch/pre gym snack idk it was 4pm:
chocolate chip cookie dough quest bar (190)
dinner:
pitta bread (173) 1/3 tub caramelised onion houmous (127)
after dinner snack:
munch bunch yoghurt (88) 1 slice of chicken (15)
total: 743
hour speedwalk on treadmill (-250)
net total: 493
when I saw my weight I was honestly so shocked and relieved haha, idk how I managed to pull that off? maybe when I purged some of the other food I had eaten came up too? I took 2 cheap lax pills last night and had a small BM in the morning but I don't think it was big enough to cause that weightloss. but i'm not gonna complain hahaha.
I preferred the chocolate chip cookie dough quest bar to double choc chunk, it was pretty tasty and it had real chocolate chunks in. I get what people say about them tasting super artificial and chemically but personally it doesn't bother me but I wouldn't recommend it to someone who is bothered by artificial tastes.
I feel like I might gain tomorrow like idk whether today was a fluke? I stepped on and off the scale a ton of times and it wouldn't budge but idk? I felt really super fat today haha, I feel like I look okayish in clothes but without anything covering my stomach its just huge
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#10
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Posted 22 January 2016 - 06:50 AM
Your thread is so cute; I love following them. I'm wayyy jealous of your Quest bars, I've never had one before 
Could you do a taste review of the peppermint chocolate one sometime?
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Posted 22 January 2016 - 07:35 AM
Jessica Jones, on 22 Jan 2016 - 06:50 AM, said:
Your thread is so cute; I love following them. I'm wayyy jealous of your Quest bars, I've never had one before
aah thank you! yeah I was always jealous too, so I caved and ordered some hahaha. I definitely will do, i'll make it the next one I eat. probably the start of next week!
#12
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Posted 22 January 2016 - 12:16 PM
22/1
weight: 114.8 / bmi: 20.1
breakfast:
peppermint tea (0)
lunch:
pitta bread (173) with 4 slices of chicken (60) and two lighter soft cheese triangles (58)
omg this was so delicious you can't even imagine
somewhere inbetween:
green tea with lemon (1)
dinner:
4 fish fingers (248) with ketchup (17) and lil packet of wispa bites (96)
total: 653
maintained today, not really phased by it as it's kinda dumb to weigh myself every day anyway hahaha. nothing exciting to report today, I went to the student union shop to buy glue and toothpaste just for something to do haha. I was meant to be going out but my friend cancelled on me but it meant I got to eat my calories so I wasn't really bothered!
ps I changed my icon because I self identify as tubbs haha
#13
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Posted 23 January 2016 - 09:28 AM
23/1
weight: 115.4 (+0.6) / bmi: 20.2
breakfast:
graze sticky toffee pudding (139) green tea with lemon (1) multivitamin (0)
not very breakfasty but it needed eating and i'm not complaining
lunch:
pitta bread (173) with 2 lighter soft cheese triangles (58) and 2 slices chicken (60) peppermint tea (0)
snack/dinner ugh:
8 maltesers not pictured (88) coco pops bar (83) tomato and garlic quinoa chips (165)
btw my nails got stained by hair dye they're not blue
total: 737
and i'll probably drink more peppermint tea tonight but it's 0 anyway so
foodwise today went bad but in a way kinda went good because I feel like I swerved a binge. basically I was planning on having some spring rolls for dinner which would've made my total 660 but when it got to around 3-4pm I had these crazy chocolate/crunchy cravings and I caved and had the small amount of maltesers then got terrified and like ran away to my room with the coco pops bar, and then I decided I would just eat the quinoa chips for dinner and make todays food be over with. feel fat with the amount i've eaten today, and disappointed I didn't get a proper dinner like i'd planned. i'm tempted to go to the gym now but honestly I have sooo much uni work to do I just can't deal with it and I need to get it done. like it's stressing me out, I haven't gotten any work done in so long and I feel terrible
I was so upset to see i've gained even though I logically know I shouldn't have gained any real weight, but then I got over it and felt okay about everything but then after the 'dinner' stuff I just feel awful and fat now. and I wish I didn't have stupid uni work so I could go to the gym aaaah. if I haven't lost weight tomorrow i'm gonna literally cry
tonight's mission is to chug a load of water, drink peppermint tea if i'm craving again and try to get as much uni work done as possible. wish me luck
it's only 4:30pm and i can't believe i've eaten so much when I gained ugh I should be eating less I feel so shitty and fat
** edit: the crappy feeling passed and I just ordered some laxative tea and also some clif bars to try, lets do this **
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Posted 24 January 2016 - 06:25 AM
Playing_with_Matches, on 24 Jan 2016 - 03:05 AM, said:
I love the pics
thanks! I love them too haha, they make any food look cute
#18
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Posted 24 January 2016 - 10:52 AM
24/1
weight: 115 (-0.4) / bmi: 20.1
breakfast:
4 tbsp chocolate pb2 (90) multivitamin (0)
lunch:
pitta bread (143) with 2 lighter soft cheese triangles (58) peppermint tea (0)
afternoon snack:
3 white chocolate coins (133) omg I had forgotten how nice white chocolate is
dinner:
2 vegetable spring rolls (258) green tea lemon (1) fizzy vimto zero (10)
total: 723
hour speedwalking on treadmill (-250)
crosstrainer (-50)
net total: 423
so last night I didn't get any uni work done and I figured I wouldn't this morning either so I went to the gym in the actual morning, be proud of me. had breakfast, went to the gym, showered/washed my hair/dried my hair/got ready and had lunch before any of my flat was awake haha, it felt great. I am actually feeling really positive today despite being disappointed by my weigh in, I wanted to be back to 114.8 but atleast I didn't gain I suppose. for dinner just now I was tempted to have another couple white chocolate coins but I decided to have fizzy vimto to satisfy my sweet cravings instead. i'll be damned if I don't lose hahaha
I noticed i've gained a few new followers this past day so thank you for following!
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Posted 25 January 2016 - 12:27 PM
25/1
weight: 114.8 (-0.2) / bmi: 20.1
breakfast:
munch bunch yoghurt (88) peppermint tea (0) multivitamin (0)
lunch:
graze blueberry toasts with white chocolate dip (130) omggggg so delicious
dinner:
2 vegetable spring rolls (258) graze lemon and poppy cake (81) green tea with lemon (1)
close up of cake ~
total: 558
if by the end of the week I am under 113 I will be a v v happy girl :3 but today I noticed in the day (so before I ate dinner) I actually felt kinda weak (also been finding it really hard to focus recently) and it made me feel so pathetic because I don't count this as severe restriction, so I feel like such a weakling. but i'm going to persevere!
seeya tommorow!!
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Posted 18 February 2016 - 08:49 AM
pudding hair haise, on 18 Feb 2016 - 06:56 AM, said:
hahaha no waaaayy your bmr is 1300, you're a full 10 cm taller than me and my bmr is about 1200-1300. and like, even just lying in bed burns some calories so c:
ah I have no idea! just had a look on some other sites and its saying closer to 1200 for me too
idk what to believe haha and i've never tested it
#142
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Posted 18 February 2016 - 12:48 PM
18/2
weight: 107.4 (-0.8) / bmi: 18.8
lax tea is the real mvp here
breakfast:
peppermint tea (0)
lunch:
graze pretzels with chocolate dip (138) multivitamin (0)
pre-gym:
carb killa caramel chaos bar (214)
dinner:
dominos personal pan (7") cheese + tomato pizza (435)
total: 787
crosstrainer (-115)
treadmill (-195)
net total: 477
i can't believe i'm in the 18 bmi range! this is the lowest weight i've ever been c: and i've been so excited to eat this pizza omg. i couldn't believe it when i found out the cals and it was so good i'm definitely gonna get it again. it was actually the perfect size for me because i'm full now!! the dominos is literally across the road from my gym haha i went straight from the gym to a pizza takeaway its been a good day. but i actually found the gym super hard today. i was so tired and felt kinda ill (i think from the lax) and i didn't burn as much as i'd planned but i burnt enough so whatever~
ive been mentioning this too much but i think tomorrow is gonna be day one of me telling myself to eat a lil more and net over 700 cals a day and tbh im pretty excited. i have a coupon for a free krispy kreme glazed doughnut which i think im gonna use and ive never tried krispy kreme before so im really excited for it
#143
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Posted 19 February 2016 - 04:14 AM
this thread is sooo cute! i love that you are consistent, so that we are able to follow you for more than a week :D
your pictures + descriptions + cal counting is so inspirational. <3
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Posted 19 February 2016 - 04:31 AM
(I just read through this entire thread. All 8 pages. I have a problem lmao)
I am in love with this thread! You're so consistent and the layout is super adorable and easy-to-read.
When you did your chocolate mono you mentioned that you don't know how they work so I thought I'd use some of my #biology to inform (aka I just wanted to comment on this thread is amazing). You body contains enzymes which break down certain types of food so when you eat a lot of one food - for example chocolate your body uses up all its enzymes for that particular food pretty darn quickly. That, combined with the water-flush you have from drinking so much, means the chocolate just goes straight through your digestive system!
At least, that's what I've read. I could have just talked utter nonsense lmao.
Goodluck with your weight loss, I'll be following from now on!
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Posted 19 February 2016 - 05:08 AM
AmilesseS, on 19 Feb 2016 - 04:14 AM, said:
this thread is sooo cute! i love that you are consistent, so that we are able to follow you for more than a week
your pictures + descriptions + cal counting is so inspirational. <3
thank you so much! <3
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Posted 19 February 2016 - 05:10 AM
unknownrileyy, on 19 Feb 2016 - 04:31 AM, said:
(I just read through this entire thread. All 8 pages. I have a problem lmao)
I am in love with this thread! You're so consistent and the layout is super adorable and easy-to-read.
When you did your chocolate mono you mentioned that you don't know how they work so I thought I'd use some of my #biology to inform (aka I just wanted to comment on this thread is amazing). You body contains enzymes which break down certain types of food so when you eat a lot of one food - for example chocolate your body uses up all its enzymes for that particular food pretty darn quickly. That, combined with the water-flush you have from drinking so much, means the chocolate just goes straight through your digestive system!
At least, that's what I've read. I could have just talked utter nonsense lmao.
Goodluck with your weight loss, I'll be following from now on!
oh wow thank you so much
that makes a lot of sense actually! thanks for explaining it to me c: i'm going to be doing more chocolate monos in the future I think because not only did it work for weightloss it also helped get rid of some of my constant thinking about chocolate hahaha
thank you <3
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Posted 19 February 2016 - 01:29 PM
19/2
weight: 107.2 (-0.2) / bmi: 18.8
breakfast:
cinnamon porridge pot (214) peppermint tea (0) multivitamin (0)
lunch:
krispy kreme glazed doughnut (222) ~ my first ever krispy kreme doughnut, and it was free!
pls ignore my gross nail
dinner:
pitta bread (146) 1/3 pot caramelised onion houmous (127) green tea lemon (1)
after dinner:
chamomile and vanilla tea (8) ~ i didn't like it at all lol
total: 718
i lost weight after eating takeaway pizza, you saw it here first folks
the krispy kreme doughnut was kinda just exactly what i expected so i wasn't amazed or anything. i don't really think i'm a huge doughnut person i think i'd rather just have a chocolate bar or something! but i'm glad i tried it and it was a nice treat!
also i did 9000 steps today so woo go me
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Posted 19 February 2016 - 02:11 PM
I can't thank you enough 👍😁
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Posted 19 February 2016 - 02:16 PM
rogue robot, on 19 Feb 2016 - 2:11 PM, said:
You have totally opened my eyes to allowing treats into my diet. As long as the numbers are still good, it's fine! Amazing! How did I never realise this?
I can't thank you enough
my work here is done
but seriously yes do it! i really think it's the way forward! makes it so much easier to keep up restriction when you're eating things you enjoy c:
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Posted 20 February 2016 - 07:35 AM
Malia, on 20 Feb 2016 - 07:29 AM, said:
Wow you're doing amazing! You're such an inspiration for me Oh and BTW all of your food looks really good. Keep up the good work!
thanks so much!
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Posted 20 February 2016 - 08:52 AM
pudding hair haise, on 20 Feb 2016 - 08:47 AM, said:
caramelized onion hummus sounds so good omg
and vanilla tea tastes kind of weird for me? idk
it is omg, it's my favourite flavour
yeah it wasn't good tbh and now idk what i'm gonna do with the rest of it
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Posted 20 February 2016 - 08:56 AM
chocolatemilk, on 20 Feb 2016 - 08:52 AM, said:
you can cook oatmeal with it instead of using water, the tea flavour gets lost and you just have vanillait is omg, it's my favourite flavour
yeah it wasn't good tbh and now idk what i'm gonna do with the rest of it
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Posted 20 February 2016 - 09:08 AM
pudding hair haise, on 20 Feb 2016 - 08:56 AM, said:
you can cook oatmeal with it instead of using water, the tea flavour gets lost and you just have vanilla
oh thanks for the tip! i'll give that a try c:
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Posted 20 February 2016 - 02:07 PM
20/2
weight: 107.6 (+0.4) / bmi: 18.8
breakfast:
belvita chocolate chip soft bake (205) peppermint tea (0) multivitamin (0)
lunch:
peanut power trek bar (203)
dinner:
pitta bread (146) 1/3 tub caramelised onion houmous (127) green tea lemon (1)
total: 682
nothing much to report today, had a pretty boring day. yesterday i got super excited in the shop when i spotted these new choc chip soft bakes by belvita because i pretty much love everything belvita make, and they were half price! it didn't disappoint, the photo doesn't do justice it was lovely - exactly what i needed in my life hahaha.
not stressing about the lil weight gain because it's probably water weight or something~
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Posted 21 February 2016 - 02:12 AM
I love this thread but I have a question... a lot of the food you eat is low volume... like do you not get hungry or urges to binge? I know if I ate a doughnut for lunch I'd be starving and back in the cupboards looking for something else 10 minutes later!!! Probably says more about my self control tbh haha
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Posted 21 February 2016 - 04:25 AM
Skynny23, on 21 Feb 2016 - 02:12 AM, said:
I love this thread but I have a question... a lot of the food you eat is low volume... like do you not get hungry or urges to binge? I know if I ate a doughnut for lunch I'd be starving and back in the cupboards looking for something else 10 minutes later!!! Probably says more about my self control tbh haha
yeah you're totally right I was actually thinking about this the other day and wondering whether I should start eating less calorie dense foods! i'm kinda used to the small sizes now so the main thing i struggle with is getting hungry at night as i tend to finish eating before 6pm and stay up past midnight, and i also tend to wake up ravenous in the mornings haha. and in the day my 'meals' are often pretty close together for this reason. but honestly i do think this works better for me because these calorie dense foods are the foods i enjoy and i think if i were to eat veggies and stuff i would feel like i was depriving myself of the stuff i love, so idk i fear that would make me more likely to binge. also i don't usually enjoy feeling full/bloated so there's that too
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Posted 21 February 2016 - 11:52 AM
weight: 107.6 / bmi: 18.8
breakfast:
sliced roll (145) with 4 tbsp chocolate pb2 (90) peppermint tea (0) multivitamin (0)
lunch/post-gym:
vanilla almond crunch quest bar (210)
dinner:
pitta bread (146) 1/3 tub caramelised onion houmous (127) green tea lemon (1)
dessert:
graze brilliant black forest (78)
pub:
diet coke (2)
total: 799
treadmill (-250)
net total: 549
again a pretty boring day not much to say!
going to the pub quiz which was cancelled last week and i hope its not cancelled this time too because im feeling up for it! and i'll probably have a max of 2 diet cokes bc im cheap so it'll be like 4 cals
edit: quiz was cancelled again haha people just aren't showing up to it anymore. only had 1 diet coke!
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Posted 03 March 2016 - 02:12 PM
krampus, on 03 Mar 2016 - 2:10 PM, said:
u are so pretty ; ; congrats! good luck !!
thanks so much ^~^
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Posted 03 March 2016 - 02:12 PM
Lol for a minute I panicked when you said it was mother's day this weekend and I was like "shit shit i dont have anything for my mom" then realized that mother's day is in a different month in the UK than it is in the US haha, phew. Have fun this weekend, try not to worry about going over your limit, it's a special occassion 
xx
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Posted 03 March 2016 - 02:15 PM
abbylil, on 03 Mar 2016 - 2:12 PM, said:
Lol for a minute I panicked when you said it was mother's day this weekend and I was like "shit shit i dont have anything for my mom" then realized that mother's day is in a different month in the UK than it is in the US haha, phew. Have fun this weekend, try not to worry about going over your limit, it's a special occassion
haha yeah it's so weird how we have them in different months *~*
thank you! i'm trying not to worry too much about it as it'll just be one day so it can't affect anything too much c:
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Posted 03 March 2016 - 02:35 PM
eloquence, on 03 Mar 2016 - 2:28 PM, said:
Ahh, you're so pretty! I feel like your eyeliner could stab me wowie I'm so jealous, and I remember when my hair used to be that colour. Now it's just a mouldy green/blue lmao
aa thank you! thats like the best compliment ever ^~^
ahaha mine is freshly dyed currently but it fades super fast and is stained a kinda weird turquoise underneath
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Posted 03 March 2016 - 02:48 PM
chocolatemilk, on 03 Mar 2016 - 1:27 PM, said:
aw thank you! i'm 5'4 / 162cm
Ah cool, whats your ugw if you dont ind me asking? Also try not to stress too much about mothers day, its only one day and you seem to have it all figured anyway. Enjoy time spent with your mum and family, thats what more important.
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Posted 03 March 2016 - 03:25 PM
Levan41, on 03 Mar 2016 - 2:59 PM, said:
I noticed you posted about quest bars.... If you warm the chocolate ones just slightly, they taste much better!
if you put them in the oven you can make cookies out of them 😊
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Posted 03 March 2016 - 04:01 PM
Skynny23, on 03 Mar 2016 - 2:48 PM, said:
Ah cool, whats your ugw if you dont ind me asking? Also try not to stress too much about mothers day, its only one day and you seem to have it all figured anyway. Enjoy time spent with your mum and family, thats what more important.
my goal is 95 but I may end up lowering it once i get there if i'm not content! thank you, i agree, i haven't spent time with my family since my birthday at the start of january
Levan41, on 03 Mar 2016 - 2:59 PM, said:
I noticed you posted about quest bars.... If you warm the chocolate ones just slightly, they taste much better!
yeah i have tried this it's super weird that literally 10 seconds in the microwave can make such a big difference! they're magical *~*
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Posted 03 March 2016 - 05:57 PM
I honestly don't get how you do it... You get to eat such yummy foods, but you still don't go all crazy and binge out on them. How do you do it? Whenever I buy "treat" like food I always eat it too fast and I can never control myself.
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Posted 04 March 2016 - 05:30 AM
vegancoconut, on 03 Mar 2016 - 5:57 PM, said:
I honestly don't get how you do it... You get to eat such yummy foods, but you still don't go all crazy and binge out on them. How do you do it? Whenever I buy "treat" like food I always eat it too fast and I can never control myself.
ah thank you! i'm pretty shocked that i haven't slipped up yet too as I used to be the exact same way. i guess now i've just found the method of restriction which works for me! I think before when I used to binge and stuff it's because I saw the unhealthy foods as bad and if i ate one small bit i felt guilty and horrible and it triggered me to binge, but now i've changed my mindset and i just see calories as calories and don't feel bad for eating chocolate and other 'treat' foods
edit: forgot to mention the other thing that's really helping - planning out my days food in advance!
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Posted 04 March 2016 - 04:55 PM
weight: 105 (-0.8) bmi: 18.4
eeeee i'm underweight for the first time in my freakin life!
breakfast:
sandwich thin (99) with 2tbsp chocolate pb2 (45) peppermint tea (0) multivitamin (0)
lunch:
cookies and cream quest bar (190) green tea lemon (1) ~ this flavour was so so good, maybe a new favourite
dinner:
chicken tikka + mango chutney sandwich (352)
evening:
apple and elderflower herbal tea (0) ~ couldn't find the calories but other brands of the same flavour came up as 0
total: 687
omg guys my weight! i hit GW1 and i'm officially underweight for the first time in my life c: obviously I was super happy after my weigh in today!
i'm home now and since i got back i've already had so much food offered to me and comments on my 'thin legs' so i feel like this weekend is gonna be really hard. resisted everything tonight despite the fact that there is big chocolate chip tesco bakery cookies in the cupboard and i love these big cookies. theres also oreos and pie and theres chocolate next to me right now that my sister keeps putting on my lap as if to say 'eat it' but i just know if i have one unplanned thing the floodgates will open and i'm much more likely to have more. i'm extremely worried about breakfast tomorrow as i was hoping to just skip it and usually do but because i havent been home for a while they're making a big deal and my mum says she's been baking bread that i really just have to try and omg. hopefully i'll be able to stick to something which i know the calories of (they have the porridge i like here) because if i have that bread and dont know the calories im gonna hate myself so so much and it'll put me in a bad mood for the whole day when i really just wanted to enjoy this time with my family. and i dont wanna waste my calories on breakfast and was planning not to
i know im having 380 for lunch so if i eat breakfast i'll have to skip food in the evening and idk how i can make an excuse to do that?? i feel like crying rn because im so anxious about this omg idk what to do#235 Guest_medusa in chains._*
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Posted 04 March 2016 - 05:01 PM
chocolatemilk, on 04 Mar 2016 - 4:55 PM, said:
4/3
weight: 105 (-0.8) bmi: 18.4
eeeee i'm underweight for the first time in my freakin life!
breakfast:
sandwich thin (99) with 2tbsp chocolate pb2 (45) peppermint tea (0) multivitamin (0)
lunch:
cookies and cream quest bar (190) green tea lemon (1) ~ this flavour was so so good, maybe a new favourite
dinner:
chicken tikka + mango chutney sandwich (352)
evening:
apple and elderflower herbal tea (0) ~ couldn't find the calories but other brands of the same flavour came up as 0
total: 687
omg guys my weight! i hit GW1 and i'm officially underweight for the first time in my life c: obviously I was super happy after my weigh in today!
i'm home now and since i got back i've already had so much food offered to me and comments on my 'thin legs' so i feel like this weekend is gonna be really hard. resisted everything tonight despite the fact that there is big chocolate chip tesco bakery cookies in the cupboard and i love these big cookies. theres also oreos and pie and theres chocolate next to me right now that my sister keeps putting on my lap as if to say 'eat it' but i just know if i have one unplanned thing the floodgates will open and i'm much more likely to have more. i'm extremely worried about breakfast tomorrow as i was hoping to just skip it and usually do but because i havent been home for a while they're making a big deal and my mum says she's been baking bread that i really just have to try and omg. hopefully i'll be able to stick to something which i know the calories of (they have the porridge i like here) because if i have that bread and dont know the calories im gonna hate myself so so much and it'll put me in a bad mood for the whole day when i really just wanted to enjoy this time with my family. and i dont wanna waste my calories on breakfast and was planning not to
I'm sorry that you're feeling so anxious *hugs* Could you maybe say that you feel ill or something and maybe save the bread for a day when you feel like you can have those calories? If you get a picture of the bread I'd be happy to try and work out the calories for you ^^
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Posted 04 March 2016 - 05:07 PM
medusa in chains., on 04 Mar 2016 - 5:01 PM, said:
I'm sorry that you're feeling so anxious *hugs* Could you maybe say that you feel ill or something and maybe save the bread for a day when you feel like you can have those calories? If you get a picture of the bread I'd be happy to try and work out the calories for you ^^
thank you
i feel like obvious excuses really wont work with my family. theyve already noticed i lost weight and they pick up so easily on when im not eating properly so i feel like the only way to get out of it is for it to go unnoticed. bleh. and i dont live at home so it's not like i can just try the bread another day. idk i think my best option is to just get up really really late and hope i miss all the breakfast stuff
or give in like a fat idiot and have to purge and feel like shit all day
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Posted 05 March 2016 - 01:08 AM
but please try to not let your ed ruin the time spent with your family. Try and factor in occasional days with family where you don't count or worry too much. It really won't do any lasting damage and if you can manage to do this I think overall it will be sustainable and you'll be able to keep it up. I always try to see family time as a challenge - to enjoy the time and just make the best decisions available to me. And enjoy food! It's hard I know but it's not worth letting the ed ruin your family time. Try to enjoy. You can pick up again as soon as you leave - hansha and skinny♡at♡least like this
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Posted 05 March 2016 - 06:21 AM
rogue robot, on 05 Mar 2016 - 01:08 AM, said:
I really feel for you
thank you! I am feeling better about everything today after sleeping, just had a bit of a freak out last night when I wrote that stuff! you're totally right and i'm gonna try not to let my problems get in the way of this weekend <3
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Posted 05 March 2016 - 06:22 AM
Weight 8th march: 155.6lbs - 10lb down! 15 to go until April 11th
154✔ 153✔ 152 ✔ 151✔ 150 149 148 147 146 145 144 143 142 141 140 139
1st GW: to get below 140 before second week of april
Gw 120 would be nice
Ugw 110, maybe? I can dream
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Posted 13 March 2016 - 08:25 AM
I feel you on the Spain thing! I'm 1/2 spanish, and going there next monday. I'm staying there for 7 days, and avoiding going over a 900 limit will be hell
Hang in there, you can do it! You're already skinny, I promise noone will see the difference even if you gain a little bit.
Having a higher cal week and a half could actually boost your metabolism as well, making you loose faster later! Good luck, xoxo
Highest BMI: 18.8 ( recovery fucking sucks )
Lowest BMI : 11.8 (When I was 13, god pls give me that body back lol)
Current BMI: 16.8 16.2 17.3 16.6 17.2
Goal BMI: 16
depression/overdose/kidney stats, mostly for myself (tw, obviously)
becoming-a-corpse-attempts: 1 2 3
overdoses: 1 (pres. painkillers, 80???) 2 (mix; flu, mel, ter, etc, etc, 50???)
months 'til my insides stop bleeding and i can get drunk again: 3 2 1 
fkn finallyyyyy, lets get sum drugz
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Posted 13 March 2016 - 08:31 AM
wednesday_saddams, on 13 Mar 2016 - 08:25 AM, said:
I feel you on the Spain thing! I'm 1/2 spanish, and going there next monday. I'm staying there for 7 days, and avoiding going over a 900 limit will be hell
Hang in there, you can do it! You're already skinny, I promise noone will see the difference even if you gain a little bit.
Having a higher cal week and a half could actually boost your metabolism as well, making you loose faster later! Good luck, xoxo
ah good luck! maybe you could up your limit just a tiny bit so that it'll be easier but you'll still lose?
thank you, that's really kind and the same goes for you omg! i'm not sure I really believe in the whole metabolism boosting thing :s I wish I did but i just never see any evidence of my metabolism changing really
thanks so much <3
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Posted 13 March 2016 - 10:50 AM
Try not to let your ed get in the way of this, it's not every day you get to travel to Spain, I know you're going to have a really great time!! I know it's hard not to stress about gaining weight, but try and enjoy yourself! And if you do gain weight, you can just lose it again. You'll be ok <3
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Posted 13 March 2016 - 11:15 AM
abbylil, on 13 Mar 2016 - 10:50 AM, said:
Try not to let your ed get in the way of this, it's not every day you get to travel to Spain, I know you're going to have a really great time!! I know it's hard not to stress about gaining weight, but try and enjoy yourself!
thank you, you're totally right! this stupid ED crap makes it seem like gaining weight is the end of the world but it's really not, and hopefully i'll be able to lose it again fast
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Posted 13 March 2016 - 01:29 PM
13/3
weight: 105.2 / bmi: 18.4
breakfast:
chocolate protein pancakes! (173 overall) ~
theproteinworks chocolate diet protein pancake mix (148) made with 80ml almond milk (11) cooked in frylight (4) topped with walden farms choc syrup (10) peppermint tea (0) multivitamin (0)
lunch:
graze "sticky chocolate pudding" (183) ~ raisins and chocolate chips
dinner:
pitta bread (146) with 2 light cheese triangles (50) and sweet chilli sunbites (120) mango passionfruit green tea (2)
before bed:
slimatee (1)
total: 675
sorry for the lil rant earlier today. i felt better after eating which is always the case for me haha, i wake up hangry and sad usually until my first meal c': i was really pleased with how my protein pancakes turned out! and it was such an amazing breakfast for the calories and really filling too, im thinking maybe a new sunday morning tradition?? there's a few changes i'd make, like next time i'm gonna use 100ml milk and half the amount of syrup, but really i was so impressed! the wf chocolate syrup is good too, thicker than the pancake syrup and a good flavour, kinda odd aftertaste but what can you expect really
also today i surpassed 100 followers on this thread! thank you guys so much <3 the support is unbelievable
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Posted 13 March 2016 - 01:55 PM
Aislinn, on 13 Mar 2016 - 1:52 PM, said:
I've been following you for a little while now, And I'm impressed you remember to take pictures of your food everyday! Chocolate can be part of anyone's diet, Right?
thank you for following! haha i'm used to it now, it's become a routine that i have to take a photo before i'm allowed to eat it c': and yeah i definitely think so. chocolate is basically my favourite food, i think i'd go insane without it. i can't ever remember a time i've cut chocolate out of my diet without ending up binging on it haha
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Posted 14 March 2016 - 01:03 PM
14/3
weight: 105.2 / bmi: 18.4
breakfast:
porridge (142) made with 200ml almond milk (28) nd 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon (3) peppermint tea (0) multivitamin (0)
lunch:
chocolate brownie quest bar (190) ~ warmed in microwave
dinner:
pitta bread (146) 2 light cheese triangles (50) sweet chilli wholegrain bites (91) mango passionfruit green tea (2)
the crisps are asda knockoffs of sunbites nd really good! so yay just saved money and cut 30 cals
total: 652
idk whether to take dulcolax tonight. i've had slimatee the past 3 nights and the past 2 mornings ive had tiny BMs which haven't affected my weight and idk i just really wanna get back to what i was before i went home for the weekend :c i'll probably take them tbh
tomorrow i'm thinking i'm gonna eat under 200 and then in the evening allow myself a cocktail pitcher. the mixer in the one i'll get is soda water and they also put a lottt of ice so i'm fairly certain it'll be under 600 cals but obviously i have no way to tell. but yeah it sucks being the only one not drunk so i think it'll be fun to be able to get a bit tipsy for once. the hardest part is gonna be avoiding food at the end of the night as they all go to a takeaway usually and i bet i'll be hungry but im sure i'll be able to resist as ive resisted many times and takeaway food is scary haha
also today i realised the nearest supermarket (asda) isnt as far as i thought it was at all and im super happy but also annoyed that i didn't know before lol all my flatmates said it was a proper trek! so now i can buy all the food i want and specific brands and stuff c': yay
edit: just taken 4 dulcolax pills before i had chance to change my mind. i hope they work
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Posted 15 March 2016 - 10:19 AM
Definitely get yourself a cocktail pitcher! Life's too short to deprive yourself all of the time and who says you cant lose weight and have fun at the same time? Plus I love cocktails!! I love Mai Tai (yes I know calories but when it comes to alcohol idc haha) and strawberry daquiris! Whats your favourite?
Also, not sure if its my place to say but maybe you are so constipated because of the quest bars? I know they say they're high in fibre but I used to substitute one of my meals every day for a quest bar (because lets be honest they are damn good) and I was SOOO constipated, painfully so. I didnt know what was going on but I did some research and lots of people said that quest bars caused them to be constipated too. I stopped eating them, and I just had one as an occasional treat and I noticed a difference within days.
Idk just a thought
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Posted 15 March 2016 - 10:55 AM
Skynny23, on 15 Mar 2016 - 10:19 AM, said:
Definitely get yourself a cocktail pitcher! Life's too short to deprive yourself all of the time and who says you cant lose weight and have fun at the same time? Plus I love cocktails!! I love Mai Tai (yes I know calories but when it comes to alcohol idc haha) and strawberry daquiris! Whats your favourite?
Also, not sure if its my place to say but maybe you are so constipated because of the quest bars? I know they say they're high in fibre but I used to substitute one of my meals every day for a quest bar (because lets be honest they are damn good) and I was SOOO constipated, painfully so. I didnt know what was going on but I did some research and lots of people said that quest bars caused them to be constipated too. I stopped eating them, and I just had one as an occasional treat and I noticed a difference within days.
Idk just a thought
yeah, tbh thinking about it I don't even think the pitcher will put me over my limit! i've eaten less than 200 today and i doubt it'll have 600 worth of alcohol and then the rest is just soda water and ice so i think it's fine anyway! honestly i haven't tried many cocktails at all, like idk if I've had any of the famous ones or would even know what was in them c': I just get made up ones in crappy clubs hahaha. the one i'll have tonight is called 'cherry bakewell' and I'll post what's in it later but I'm sure it's just like a cherry liquor and something else and soda water idk it just tastes of fizzy cherry and it's so good!!
oh wow I never even considered that! you could be onto something there? I was just assuming my lack of BM was due to not eating enough. it'll be fun to see what happens when I go to spain as i'll be eating more and won't have any of my protein bars or anything!
thanks for your input
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Posted 15 March 2016 - 12:45 PM
15/3
weight: 104.8 (-0.4) / bmi: 18.3
breakfast:
peppermint tea (0)
lunch:
beltsander brownie (protein mug brownie!) this was really good and that mug is actually a bowl with a handle lol this was big! (170 cals overall) ~ 25g chocolate whey protein powder (99) 1/2 tsp baking powder (0) 10g cocoa powder (42) 60ml almond milk (8) topped with 50g raspberries (16) and walden farms chocolate syrup (5)
dinner:
light babybel (42) mango passionfruit green tea (2)
went out:
cocktail pitcher (600) i feel like 600 is a safe guess because it shouldn't have been more than that?
total food: 214
total with alcohol: 814 ish? maybe less
my beltsander brownie was good! it was so big and filling and yummy. i think i put a little too much milk as the top was kinda moussey but the bottom was cakey c: it's definitely gonna become a regular thing for me as it was really easy to make too and so low cal my babybel was unplanned but i really wanted it and im pretty sure ive burnt off over 42 cals just from walking round today so im not too worried
alsoooo i had a couple more BMs today after weighing so maybe i'll see another loss on the scale tomorrow?
i'll edit in my cocktail later! my group for uni project is meeting at 10am tomorrow so im only gonna stay out til like 12 and i could use it as an excuse to not drink and eat my cals instead but yknow what, i haven't been tipsy in ages and im kinda looking forward to it! also alcohol dehydrates so maybe i'll lose weight lol
edit: had a great night. the cocktail pitcher was definitely enough for me as i feel a lil drunk! if i haven't gained from it tomorrow then i'll definitely do this again as i had so much fun and im a really happy drunk haha, i've just been laughing so much and stuff. its really nice. past 1 now and i just got home and im not particularly looking forward to meeting my uni group at 10 but hey ho
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Posted 15 March 2016 - 01:09 PM
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Posted 15 March 2016 - 01:25 PM
I've read through your whole accountability over the last couple of days (am not creepy stalker, promise!) and I just love it! It's super cute and I always like finding other people from the UK since I can replicate the meals.
Is the cocoa powder just for taste in that brownie mix? I only have strawberries and cream or banana whey and I don't think they'd really work with chocolate! Also, I saw you used theproteinworks too, if you haven't tried their zero syrup you MUST, the golden syrup one especially is gorgeous, doesn't have that chemically taste that Walden Farms sometimes has.
(sorry for butting in and long-winded post btw)
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Posted 15 March 2016 - 02:46 PM
sparksflyup, on 15 Mar 2016 - 1:09 PM, said:
this might seem really random but I love your nails!! whenever I restrict/ get to 18 BMI my nails go to shit haha! I love your accountability (especially the pictures of your food!) :-)
thanks so much! I'm really lazy with keeping them painted though c':
Aislinn, on 15 Mar 2016 - 1:16 PM, said:
I make bread out of whey protein, Never thought about making something brownie like! I might have to try that sometime
ah you should try it, it was good! and pls share bread recipe that sounds exciting?
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Posted 15 March 2016 - 02:49 PM
DarkSkies, on 15 Mar 2016 - 1:25 PM, said:
I've read through your whole accountability over the last couple of days (am not creepy stalker, promise!) and I just love it! It's super cute and I always like finding other people from the UK since I can replicate the meals.
Is the cocoa powder just for taste in that brownie mix? I only have strawberries and cream or banana whey and I don't think they'd really work with chocolate! Also, I saw you used theproteinworks too, if you haven't tried their zero syrup you MUST, the golden syrup one especially is gorgeous, doesn't have that chemically taste that Walden Farms sometimes has.
(sorry for butting in and long-winded post btw)
omg thanks so much! I don't think my meals are very inspiring c': but it's awesome to find fellow UK people
yeah i'm pretty sure the cocoa powder is just for taste, I've heard of people making different flavoured protein mug cakes so you should totally try it! ah yeah i'm interested in trying the zero syrups! I spotted a bottle in my student union shop which was super weird haha so i'll keep my eye out, but im gonna wait till I finish my WF stuff first because my cupboard is kinda full hahaha. thanks for the suggestion!
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Posted 15 March 2016 - 03:07 PM
chocolatemilk, on 15 Mar 2016 - 2:46 PM, said:
ah you should try it, it was good! and pls share bread recipe that sounds exciting?
I shall! Here you go, It's not low calorie by a long shot but it is low carb which is more important to me http://lowcarbyum.co...l-bread-review/
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Posted 15 March 2016 - 06:04 PM
Aislinn, on 15 Mar 2016 - 3:07 PM, said:
I shall! Here you go, It's not low calorie by a long shot but it is low carb which is more important to me http://lowcarbyum.co...l-bread-review/
awesome, thank you!! im more focussed on calories but i'll save this for future reference anyways c:
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Posted 16 March 2016 - 06:38 AM
chocolatemilk, on 15 Mar 2016 - 2:49 PM, said:
omg thanks so much! I don't think my meals are very inspiring c': but it's awesome to find fellow UK people
yeah i'm pretty sure the cocoa powder is just for taste, I've heard of people making different flavoured protein mug cakes so you should totally try it! ah yeah i'm interested in trying the zero syrups! I spotted a bottle in my student union shop which was super weird haha so i'll keep my eye out, but im gonna wait till I finish my WF stuff first because my cupboard is kinda full hahaha. thanks for the suggestion!
You're welcome
I'm going to give that brownie a shot tomorrow with strawberries & cream whey powder, I haven't got room for extra milk calories today. The chocolate zero syrups are a bit eww, but the golden syrup, maple syrup and strawberry ones are good. Well, I liked them anyway!
Thanks for being lovely, I'm really anxious about commenting on posts so sorry if I'm rambling on too much, or being a nuisance.
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Posted 16 March 2016 - 09:32 AM
DarkSkies, on 16 Mar 2016 - 06:38 AM, said:
You're welcome
I'm going to give that brownie a shot tomorrow with strawberries & cream whey powder, I haven't got room for extra milk calories today. The chocolate zero syrups are a bit eww, but the golden syrup, maple syrup and strawberry ones are good. Well, I liked them anyway!
Thanks for being lovely, I'm really anxious about commenting on posts so sorry if I'm rambling on too much, or being a nuisance.
ah good luck you'll have let me know how it goes! i'll defo give the zero syrups a try then, have you tried the cherry one? i feel like it'd be amazing on top of a brownie because it might give a kinda black forest flavour *~*
oh you're not a nuisance at all, i love getting comments on here <3
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Posted 13 April 2016 - 01:05 PM
13/4
weight: 104.2 (-0.2) / bmi: 18.3
breakfast:
medium banana (105)
lunch / post-gym:
white chocolate cookie carb killa (215) ~ this bar is amazing *~* had to include a pic of the inside bc wow
dinner:
mcdonalds bbq pulled pork wrap (469) diet coke (1)
total: 790
crosstrainer (-200)
treadmill (-80)
and 14000 steps
net total: 510
i had a good day today! the gym was actually so hard bc i haven't been in forever and i just was so tired and i was sweating a ton and ugh haha, i had to take a break from crosstrainer to speedwalk on the treadmill for a bit then return to the crosstrainer bc it was just tiring me out so much! but it made getting back to my protein bar feel more rewarding. the weather was actually good for once so i went out into town and just walked around all afternoon!! ive been planning the mcdonalds wrap for a while too and i thought getting a good amount of steps in would make me feel better about it bc i think its quite high cal for one item c': according to mfp with my steps and gym im on a net of 230?? which is rad if true
i won on the mcdonalds monopoly a choice of cheeseburger or mcflurry nd another choice of fruit bag or ice cream! im definitely gonna get the cheeseburger at some point bc i love mcdonalds cheeseburgers <3 the monopoly excites me greatly so i feel like you'll see a few more mcdonalds visits popping up in this thread this month lmao
also i told myself i would only buy hair dye today but i still bought chocolate like i have a legit problem, my food hoard is unreal. but it was such a good bargain i couldnt not
tomorrow im going out to a night which was rlly good last time i went and im gonna save 200 cals for a blue lagoon cocktail
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Posted 13 April 2016 - 02:04 PM
holy smokes that carb killa bar looks so divine *-*
also i'm the same with food hoarding lol i would go into a store to buy a new facial cream or toner, then go to the foods aisle and wander around because it's so fun (> <)
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Posted 13 April 2016 - 03:48 PM
the fuuuuck that carbkilla
do those only exist in uk ? it looks ridiculously good. are they protein bars or s/t ?
also, not trying to pry/really dont want to make u uncomfortable so pls feel free to ignore this but i was wondering if u were gonna post progress pics? i am curious bc u have lost a lot (please please don't respond to that if you don't want to/ don't feel obligated please)
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Posted 13 April 2016 - 04:36 PM
hoippu, on 13 Apr 2016 - 2:04 PM, said:
holy smokes that carb killa bar looks so divine *-*
also i'm the same with food hoarding lol i would go into a store to buy a new facial cream or toner, then go to the foods aisle and wander around because it's so fun (> <)
oh it wasss *~*
omg i'm the same! i can't walk past a food shop without going in and looking at everything
angelcrust, on 13 Apr 2016 - 3:48 PM, said:
the fuuuuck that carbkilla
do those only exist in uk ? it looks ridiculously good. are they protein bars or s/t ?
also, not trying to pry/really dont want to make u uncomfortable so pls feel free to ignore this but i was wondering if u were gonna post progress pics? i am curious bc u have lost a lot (please please don't respond to that if you don't want to/ don't feel obligated please)
yeah they're protein bars, i think its a uk company but i think you can order from their website to other countries (just maybe not in stores elsewhere?) idk honestly but they're made by grenade if you wanna google them
omg its totally fine! i posted some progress pics way back here idk if you saw and i havent made much progress since then (thanks to holiday nd stuff) so i havent seen much point taking more since but i'll definitely be taking more once i lose more!! i have a bunch of horrible "before" pics to make more before/afters in the future n_n
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Posted 14 April 2016 - 11:45 AM
14/4
weight: 104.4 (+0.2) / bmi: 18.3
"brunch":
150g 0% fat greek style yoghurt (83) 4tsp sweetener (8) medium banana (105) walden farms choc syrup (5) peppermint tea (0)
dinner:
sandwich thin (99) with 2 light cheese spread triangles (50) sweet chilli wholegrain bites (91) mango passionfruit green tea (2)
evening snack:
thorntons alpini bar (184)
total: 627
okay so i saved 200 cals for a cocktail and i also freshly dyed my hair and stuff ready to go out tonight, but then my friend bailed as she's ill and two others bailed and then i decided to bail and eat chocolate instead hence the thorntons haha, bc i do have uni at 10am tomorrow and i didnt rlly wanna go out with the other ppl as i dont know them as well (my closest friends bailed) but now ive eaten the chocolate and they're saying they might go after all 
and i rlly cba with a sober night out but idk. i might go and drink diet coke :/ we'll see i guess but i don't really want to. im hoping my main friend i was gonna go with who is in my uni group (the one who's ill) doesnt end up going. if she goes i'll feel like i have to
i feel kinda crappy after having eaten that chocolate even though it was yummy and fit my cals, i dont like last minute changes of plan. i feel like ive failed somehow
edit: im not going out, and i also took 2 dulcolax. idk if 2 will do anything but im gonna chug a load of water and hope so, it'd be nice to see a lil loss c:
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Posted 14 April 2016 - 11:56 AM
Aww, you definitely shouldn't feel like you failed anything. But I agree last minute changes in plans are frustrating.
If you do have to go out why don't you get a drink like a vodka and diet coke? It's less than 100 cals and would still fit your limit (if it's still under a net of 800, I forget). That way you get to have an actual drink but not as high calories wise as a cocktail.
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Posted 14 April 2016 - 12:01 PM
DoISeeColour, on 14 Apr 2016 - 11:56 AM, said:
Aww, you definitely shouldn't feel like you failed anything. But I agree last minute changes in plans are frustrating.
If you do have to go out why don't you get a drink like a vodka and diet coke? It's less than 100 cals and would still fit your limit (if it's still under a net of 800, I forget). That way you get to have an actual drink but not as high calories wise as a cocktail.
you're right a single is only like 55 cals but i used to drink them and i just hate vodka so much haha, it tastes so gross for me it's not even worth the calories c': and yeah my limit is 800 but in reality ive been wanting to stick to under 700 ideally
im still undecided! i might maybe just go for pre drinks, have a diet coke then go home
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Posted 14 April 2016 - 01:37 PM
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Posted 15 April 2016 - 11:58 AM
15/4
weight: 104.8 (+0.4) / bmi: 18.3
breakfast:
150g 0% fat greek style yoghurt (83) 3tsp sweetener (6) "fruity biscuit shot" (94) peppermint tea (0) ~ the shot thing was sultanas, cranberries nd white choc coated biscuit balls
lunch:
sandwich thin (99) 2tbsp choc pb2 (45) banana (105) elderflower tea (0) ~ the inside doesnt look very impressive but it tasted amazing c':
dinner:
hoisin duck flavour instant ramen pot (244) mango passionfruit green tea (2)
total: 678
hi i feel gross nd fat today! I feel like my restriction is too high even though logically I know it's not. i think it was just the fact that i gained that put me in a bit of a bad mood, but hopefully it was just water weight from lax? i had a couple BMs in the day, i think enough to make a small difference in weight but nothing major, so fingers crossed for a loss tomorrow (although im p sure my dinner was full of sodium smh)
im worried about tomorrow. im meeting my family in a big shopping centre and there will be a meal involved. i have safe meals for different places in my phone notes but i have my heart set on eating at nandos, bc i feel like thats the most likely out of my safe options. my dad loves nandos and he's often the one that calls the shots so if i can convince him then i should be fine. but i think i'm gonna be on edge until then ;_; pray for me
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Posted 15 April 2016 - 06:56 PM
praying for you luv <3
also don't worry, it's most likely food/water weight. you're doing so well! just know that while weight loss is never linear (due to fluctuations in food/water weight), fat loss is. as long as you're under your bmr, you are losing fat.
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Posted 16 April 2016 - 02:40 AM
solipsist, on 15 Apr 2016 - 6:56 PM, said:
praying for you luv <3
also don't worry, it's most likely food/water weight. you're doing so well! just know that while weight loss is never linear (due to fluctuations in food/water weight), fat loss is. as long as you're under your bmr, you are losing fat.
thank you! <3
& yeah you're totally right, i'm trying to keep that in mind it just gets frustrating sometimes when the number goes up for seemingly no reason
thank you c:
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Posted 16 April 2016 - 01:03 PM
16/4
weight: 103.8 (-1) / bmi: 18.2
breakfast: peppermint tea (0)
lunch: 0
dinner:
nandos butterfly chicken breast ~ medium spice (331) sweet potato wedges & dip (356) coke zero (2)
total: 689
yayayay i got to eat where i'd planned!! i actually had a few different nandos meal combos planned in my notes and went for a higher calorie side (the sweet potato mash was like 100 less calories) but i really fancied the wedges and knew they came with a dip so i wouldn't have to worry about extra dip calories too. plus i'd googled the food last night (im so prepared) and knew the wedges looked like a bigger portion so it'd look like a normal sized plate of food c: my meal was so delicious jfc. im kinda worried that the calories on the website are wrong bc it really filled me up, but i guess chicken breast and sweet potato isn't too calorific so maybe it's accurate?
i'm so relieved today went okay!! i got to have a day out with family without it being ruined by food c: nandos is a lifesaver
and my weight today made me happy too, like last time i was in the 103s was alcohol dehydration so i feel like im technically at a new LW? so today is just rad
and look what i bought:
mini 30g tubs of nutella, they're so adorable omg. they're like 2 servings in each so i think 160 cals in each. i'll probably just eat a jar with a spoon as a snack also bought a cute skirt which is a size 6 and fit me with room to spare and my mum bought me a few things from lush! i got a body scrub and some shower jelly c: im so happy today
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Posted 16 April 2016 - 02:06 PM
chocolatemilk, on 16 Apr 2016 - 1:03 PM, said:
16/4
weight: 103.8 (-1) / bmi: 18.2
breakfast: peppermint tea (0)
lunch: 0
dinner:
nandos butterfly chicken breast ~ medium spice (331) sweet potato wedges & dip (356) coke zero (2)
total: 689
yayayay i got to eat where i'd planned!! i actually had a few different nandos meal combos planned in my notes and went for a higher calorie side (the sweet potato mash was like 100 less calories) but i really fancied the wedges and knew they came with a dip so i wouldn't have to worry about extra dip calories too. plus i'd googled the food last night (im so prepared) and knew the wedges looked like a bigger portion so it'd look like a normal sized plate of food c: my meal was so delicious jfc. im kinda worried that the calories on the website are wrong bc it really filled me up, but i guess chicken breast and sweet potato isn't too calorific so maybe it's accurate?
i'm so relieved today went okay!! i got to have a day out with family without it being ruined by food c: nandos is a lifesaver
and my weight today made me happy too, like last time i was in the 103s was alcohol dehydration so i feel like im technically at a new LW? so today is just rad
and look what i bought:
mini 30g tubs of nutella, they're so adorable omg. they're like 2 servings in each so i think 160 cals in each. i'll probably just eat a jar with a spoon as a snack
<3 this! You rock!
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Posted 16 April 2016 - 03:52 PM
Those tinsy Nutella's are beyond adorable
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Posted 06 May 2016 - 12:50 AM
CGoldfish, on 05 May 2016 - 6:58 PM, said:
Hey congrats on breaking through the 101 lbs. I have a feeling you're going to continue to drop down pretty fast from now on...
Not meant to brag but I'm also down to 100.6 lbs this morning!!! Lol your posts are like my weight forecaster. T.T
thanks! i wish that was the case but i'm back at 101.2 today haha, my body likes to tease/taunt me
that's so awesome congrats!! feel free to brag, you've earnt the right to c':
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Posted 06 May 2016 - 11:22 AM
the graze box looks so good?! ive contemplated getting it for awhile but you might have convinced me ahaha. have a good day :-D!!
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Posted 06 May 2016 - 11:42 AM
angel bunny, on 06 May 2016 - 11:22 AM, said:
the graze box looks so good?! ive contemplated getting it for awhile but you might have convinced me ahaha. have a good day :-D!!
they are so good!!
this is so cheeky but if by any chance ur in the uk nd do decide to get one you should totally use my referral code
hope you have an awesome day too!!
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Posted 06 May 2016 - 11:56 AM
6/5
weight: 101.2 (+0.8) / bmi: 17.7
breakfast:
30g coco pops (117) 75ml almond milk (10) peppermint tea (0)
lunch:
mcdonalds apple pie (250)
dinner:
tinned tuna (120) light mayo (14) cheesestring (61) mini smarties chick (110) mango passionfruit green tea (2) pepsi max (1)
total: 685
+ 12800 steps
my body sometimes likes to tease me with lower weights then go back up the next day smh!! it probably knows that i rlly wanna be double digits haha
the smarties chick was another thing i rlly wanted gone from my life so it feels good to have eaten that. smarties are pretty lame unless theyre like baked into a cookie or something. nd the chocolate of these chicks is bad too haha. the mcdonalds apple pie was alright but i probably wouldnt get it again, i love the crispy pastry but dont love the apple/cinnamon combo of the filling (but it was free so whatever!!) also the filling was so hot it burnt my tongue haha
this evening my flatmate made an omelette nd it smelt sooo good nd i just rlly like eggs and idk why i dont have them more?? so yeah i might purchase some eggs in the near future and make them part of my life. but i have so much food to be getting through i feel bad buying more (even though i bought a couple food things today whoops)
last night i felt kinda good about my tummy/waist so i took a lil pic:
i measured my waist (after having a BM that morning) nd its 24 inches which is p cool!!
ive always wanted a flat tummy nd i guess ive achieved that now (after lax) so now i just gotta fix literally everything else
its weird how quickly body image can change. i felt kinda good/like i could definitely see progress last night but today i kinda feel like a balloon animal but all the balloons are full of lard
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Posted 06 May 2016 - 12:16 PM
the apple pie looks amazing tbf and its pretty low calorie considering... I wonder if they sell it on the breakfast menu? I wouldnt mind it as a breakfast (only time i ever go to mcdonalds is breakfast time ha)
p.s. you look great, I love your body shape
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Posted 06 May 2016 - 12:19 PM
Skynny23, on 06 May 2016 - 12:16 PM, said:
the apple pie looks amazing tbf and its pretty low calorie considering... I wonder if they sell it on the breakfast menu? I wouldnt mind it as a breakfast (only time i ever go to mcdonalds is breakfast time ha)
p.s. you look great, I love your body shape
yeah i find a lot of the stuff at mcds isnt as high calorie as everyone makes it out to be!! i think they would do, i remember being at mcdonalds after a night out when they started selling breakfast stuff nd im pretty sure they still had desserts for sale, im not 100% sure though
haha i never go for breakfast i dont get up early enough! its a shame bc i won a hash brown on the monopoly c':
thanks so much <3
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Posted 06 May 2016 - 12:34 PM
chocolatemilk, on 06 May 2016 - 12:19 PM, said:
yeah i find a lot of the stuff at mcds isnt as high calorie as everyone makes it out to be!! i think they would do, i remember being at mcdonalds after a night out when they started selling breakfast stuff nd im pretty sure they still had desserts for sale, im not 100% sure though
haha i never go for breakfast i dont get up early enough! its a shame bc i won a hash brown on the monopoly c':
thanks so much <3
haha I'm an early riser wish i could sleep in though! yeah I know they sell muffins and doughnuts so I'm gonna see if they do the apple pie next time I'm there. Have you seen the new cheesecake mcflurries? so good!
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Posted 06 May 2016 - 12:40 PM
Skynny23, on 06 May 2016 - 12:34 PM, said:
haha I'm an early riser
thats awesome!!
omg yes, i rlly wanna try the strawberry cheesecake one!! i might figure out a way to make it happen
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Posted 06 May 2016 - 01:19 PM
chocolatemilk, on 06 May 2016 - 11:42 AM, said:
they are so good!!
this is so cheeky but if by any chance ur in the uk nd do decide to get one you should totally use my referral code
hope you have an awesome day too!!
i live in the us hehe sorry <3
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Posted 06 May 2016 - 02:24 PM
DoeEyed, on 06 May 2016 - 2:20 PM, said:
K your shirt is adorable
But like said previously, you have a great shape! esp your hips. I have yet to reach a weight where my hips look small and proportional like yours!
thank you so much! that rlly means a lot as i've always thought i've been pretty shapeless but i think maybe i was carrying a lot of fat on my waist nd now i've lost some i'm actually seeing some kinda shape? so thank you!! <3
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Posted 07 May 2016 - 03:35 AM
Average_peasant, on 07 May 2016 - 03:14 AM, said:
oh my goodness you are so famous^^ heh I hope you feel support! and what hair dye do you use? I probably should go before I steal your hair because woah anyway you are pretty and kind and smart hi
haha thank you!! i know its insane how many ppl are following my lil thread *~*
i use the brand 'la riche directions' which comes in lil tubs n_n i couldnt tell you how to get my shade bc ive dyed it for years so its all stained with dye etc but i like the alpine green shade atm
wow thank you so much! ive missed seeing you on here nd glad ur back <333
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Posted 07 May 2016 - 05:36 AM
chocolateberry, on 07 May 2016 - 04:10 AM, said:
I just really love your accountability. everyone's so positive and cute here, and your food looks so yummy!
aw thanks so much!! & yes i can totally agree with everyone being so lovely on here
i love it too n_n
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Posted 07 May 2016 - 08:43 AM
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Posted 04 June 2016 - 11:49 AM
have fun at the movies !
i love foreign snacks too. it feels like such a better experience, maybe because it's new haha
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Posted 04 June 2016 - 12:06 PM
Capella, on 04 Jun 2016 - 11:49 AM, said:
have fun at the movies !
i love foreign snacks too. it feels like such a better experience, maybe because it's new haha
thanks! yeah exactly, it's just more exciting than eating something you've tried before n_n
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Posted 04 June 2016 - 09:35 PM
What's your favorite foreign snack that you've ever tried?
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Posted 05 June 2016 - 04:01 AM
RunningFree, on 04 Jun 2016 - 9:35 PM, said:
What's your favorite foreign snack that you've ever tried?
oh wow this is such a hard question, i've just spent a while thinking about it but its so hard
it doesn't rlly count as foreign anymore as they've started selling it everywhere here now (yay) but when i first tried it you could only get it from specialist american candy stores, but i looove hersheys cookies n cream, especially in 'giant bar' format bc its just so chunky
also in spain down like every shopping street you will find a frozen yoghurt place where you can pick the flavour and toppings and it's the best frozen yoghurt i've ever had hands down. i always get the natural flavour its just so good
the white chocolate coated oreos i got in spain this yr deserve a special mention too, they're so good
ive like literally forgotten all the foreign snacks ive tried rn haha like my mind has gone blank bc you've put me on the spot c':
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Posted 05 June 2016 - 10:57 AM
1) plz get donuts soon! I had my first in almost a year Friday and it was transcendental.
2) I love that you love Poptarts so you much; everyone here in America talks about how gross they are hah. Protip: use the hot fudge or blueberry ones as the base for an ice cream sandwich
3) I wanted to let you know that your positivity has really inspired me to try and eat sweets more regularly (so like...at all). Like I found out I have a short story coming out this week and am trying to plan in some real non-diet ice cream to celebrate and it's so...freeing? Idk I feel like I'm being weird and family but I have hella feelings about sugar right now so
Keep fighting the good fight yo
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Posted 05 June 2016 - 11:35 AM
Blunder_Road, on 05 Jun 2016 - 10:57 AM, said:
I've also been like half-silently creeping lmao.
1) plz get donuts soon! I had my first in almost a year Friday and it was transcendental.
2) I love that you love Poptarts so you much; everyone here in America talks about how gross they are hah. Protip: use the hot fudge or blueberry ones as the base for an ice cream sandwich
3) I wanted to let you know that your positivity has really inspired me to try and eat sweets more regularly (so like...at all). Like I found out I have a short story coming out this week and am trying to plan in some real non-diet ice cream to celebrate and it's so...freeing? Idk I feel like I'm being weird and family but I have hella feelings about sugar right now so
Keep fighting the good fight yo
thank u i appreciate the creeping!!
1) krispy kreme UK has just released some new flavour doughnuts (hello nutella nd reeses pbj doughnuts 
) nd i am so tempted to try one so i may just do that nd dedicate it to you haha. although for me doughnuts always seem to be one of those foods that sound rlly good but then don't live up to the expectation in my mind. but then again like how could a nutella doughnut go wrong
2) hahaha idk its probably partly the novelty of them that subconsciously makes me think they're great, but they are a lot sweeter than a lot of our breakfasty foods nd im a major sweet tooth so they're just so good to me idk. wow thanks for the tip thats actually such an amazing idea!! i have a tub of vanilla froyo atm so i could make a froyo poptart sandwich *~*
3) aaaah yes you should totally get yourself that proper ice cream!! delicious foods are not the enemy here
you too <3
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Posted 05 June 2016 - 11:53 AM
5/6
weight: 96.8 / bmi: 16.9
breakfast:
apple pie nakd bar (105) peppermint tea (0)
lunch:
2 homemade banana brownies (165) 60g vanilla frozen yoghurt (74) walden farms choc syrup (5)
dinner:
weight watchers chicken lasagna meal (313) 25g salad (4) fruit tea (0) this readymeal was so fckin good??
post-dinner:
kinder mini egg (29)
total: 695
im rlly hungry haha i wasnt until i ate dinner but now i am nd that tiny kinder egg did not satisfy me at all. bleh idk why im hungrier as ive started weighing less like surely it should be the other way round lol. made weird banana brownies which was fun, they're kinda odd lmao but they're pretty good for 82 cals each!! i didn't really follow a recipe i kinda just added stuff that i had whilst logging it all to mfp
i took 3 dulcolax this afternoon without thinking too much about it then ate a ready meal for dinner so fml im p sure water retention is on the cards for tomorrow nd i rlly wanna be losing rather than gaining im an idiot
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Posted 05 June 2016 - 12:01 PM
I've been reading through your accountability the past two days and your progress is just amazing. I'm also very jealous of the fact that you can still eat sweet things while restricting because if I eat anything sweet I immediately want to binge on it
Definitely following <3
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Posted 05 June 2016 - 12:07 PM
purpleskies, on 05 Jun 2016 - 12:01 PM, said:
I've been reading through your accountability the past two days and your progress is just amazing. I'm also very jealous of the fact that you can still eat sweet things while restricting because if I eat anything sweet I immediately want to binge on it
Definitely following <3
thanks so much!! im a major control freak so aslong as im in control im usually fine, if it was unknown calorie cake or something itd be a different story. then again i kinda wanna binge rn, like i do get the urge sometimes
thank you <3
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Posted 05 June 2016 - 02:48 PM
EEE sorry for putting you on the spot :/ :/
But I agree on the cookies 'n' cream bar, those are really good
chocolatemilk, on 05 Jun 2016 - 04:01 AM, said:
oh wow this is such a hard question, i've just spent a while thinking about it but its so hard
it doesn't rlly count as foreign anymore as they've started selling it everywhere here now (yay) but when i first tried it you could only get it from specialist american candy stores, but i looove hersheys cookies n cream, especially in 'giant bar' format bc its just so chunky
also in spain down like every shopping street you will find a frozen yoghurt place where you can pick the flavour and toppings and it's the best frozen yoghurt i've ever had hands down. i always get the natural flavour its just so good
the white chocolate coated oreos i got in spain this yr deserve a special mention too, they're so good
ive like literally forgotten all the foreign snacks ive tried rn haha like my mind has gone blank bc you've put me on the spot c':
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Posted 06 June 2016 - 01:08 PM
6/6
weight: 96.6 (-0.2) / bmi: 16.9
breakfast:
2 homemade banana brownies (165) 60g frozen berries (22) peppermint tea (0)
lunch / post-gym:
omelette made w 2 eggs (132) tinned tuna (130) 36g onion (14) cheesestring (61) frylight (4) 25g salad (4)
dinner:
i finally got my strawberry cheesecake mcflurry (367)
total: 899
crosstrainer (-410)
+ 11000 steps
net total: 489
i walked to 3 different mcdonalds bc the first 2 were all out of strawberry cheesecake mcflurries and it was so worth it. i think i may have got it just in time as i have a sneaking suspicion the reason the other 2 restaurants didnt have any is bc theyve reached the end of their time (theyre just a limited edition flavour) n also my one didnt come in a special strawberry cheesecake mcflurry cup, just a regular one. but it may have also been bc its been super hot today for some reason so maybe they sold out?
nope just checked i think i got one right before they stopped selling them as the 'tastes of america' range ends tomorrow!! how lucky omg
but the important thing is it was sooooo good holy crap. i was worried that bc i hyped it up so much n said it was a weightloss reward that it might be disappointing or not worth it in the end but it actually surpassed my expectations n i enjoyed it so much!! was definitely worth the wait nd im so glad i tried it *heart eyes emoji*
also as i was already in the centre of town from walking to this mcds i had a lil walk round which was nice n i bought myself the new zoella beauty sweet inspirations body mist bc i went in to test the scent nd its actually so nice so i figured id treat myself and im rlly happy for once, like i usually feel bad about spending money on pointless things for myself but ive been kinda down so its good to treat yourself sometimes if possible right maybe idk
also a thing happened today which is kinda a big deal to me. i told my friend about my weird eating lmao i still dont know whether i feel good or bad about it but i figured maybe having atleast one person who knows might be cool bc then i have a friend i can hang out w without worrying about it and also to potentially vent to (im not much of a venter irl but who knows maybe i'll need it at some point) so yeah thats something
also!!! the american sweet site i ordered from gave a partial refund n it was only bc they were out of stock of the god damn reduced brownie batter oreos ffs lmao they're the only reason i made the whole order otherwise i wouldn't have ordered from that site smh
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Posted 06 June 2016 - 02:03 PM
Telling your friend is a huuuuge step. Having someone to talk to really helps (recently I've found a girl on mpa who's very similar to me and talking to her is saving my life lol). May I ask, how was his reaction? Was he suportive?
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Posted 06 June 2016 - 02:18 PM
blue_stardust, on 06 Jun 2016 - 2:03 PM, said:
I need that mcflurry!!! Too bad we don't have that promo in Spain *sigh*
Telling your friend is a huuuuge step. Having someone to talk to really helps (recently I've found a girl on mpa who's very similar to me and talking to her is saving my life lol). May I ask, how was his reaction? Was he suportive?
it was amazing!! aw that sucks im sorry :c i wish i'd bought more of them bc they're gonna stop selling them tomorrow i think
ah that's awesome, so glad you found somebody to talk to!! his reaction was great, i knew it would be, he's a very chill n kind person n im sure he's just gnna let me do my own thing but be there to talk to if needed. ive been thinking about telling him for a while as he's like the perfect person to tell if that makes sense haha he's just rad
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Posted 06 June 2016 - 03:19 PM
Congrats on treating yourself--you deserve it
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Posted 06 June 2016 - 03:27 PM
Blunder_Road, on 06 Jun 2016 - 3:19 PM, said:
What a major day wow. I'm so proud of you for telling your friend! I've recently basically had to tell most of my good friends and it's been a really good thing, I think, to know there's an objective support system beyond something so entrenched in disordered thought like MPA. It's also made having a social life so much easier omg. Once I started opening up more the secrecy surrounding all of this shit seemed almost pointless lmao
Congrats on treating yourself--you deserve it
thanks!! it was kinda random ive been considering telling him for a while n then i just started typing n was like whoops too late to go back now yknow. thats so awesome that you can be open about stuff now. it really does sound like the best idea to just be fully open, i guess for me its a shame thing that stops me telling ppl, like im kinda embarrassed about it for some reason idk
thank you!! <3
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Posted 06 June 2016 - 03:28 PM
I'm so proud of you for telling your friend. Also your mcFlurry looks really good and I don't normally say that, as I don't like strawberries
Also I'm with you, it's good to treat yourself sometimes. I'm glad you did that
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Posted 06 June 2016 - 03:35 PM
RunningFree, on 06 Jun 2016 - 3:28 PM, said:
I'm so proud of you for telling your friend. Also your mcFlurry looks really good and I don't normally say that, as I don't like strawberries
Also I'm with you, it's good to treat yourself sometimes.
thanks!! ah the mcflurry was amazing honestly *~*
thanks for the reassurance, i always feel bad spending money on myself whilst i dont have a job
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Posted 26 June 2016 - 03:21 PM
I'm glad your first day home went well
Yay for animals! Older dogs really do have problems holding it in, it's not their fault... :/ Sometimes they're so embarrassed and I'm like nuuuuuuuu don't be sad!!!
When I come home from Uni my cat is always cold to me for a little bit, but he warms up quickly. He's not a cuddly guy though. :/
I've not eaten nuggets in so long [vegetarian] but I'm glad they work well for you!
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Posted 26 June 2016 - 04:12 PM
BasicallyHere, on 26 Jun 2016 - 1:42 PM, said:
that chicken looks rly good
yeah it was p damn good
RunningFree, on 26 Jun 2016 - 3:21 PM, said:
I'm glad your first day home went well
Yay for animals! Older dogs really do have problems holding it in, it's not their fault... :/ Sometimes they're so embarrassed and I'm like nuuuuuuuu don't be sad!!!
When I come home from Uni my cat is always cold to me for a little bit, but he warms up quickly. He's not a cuddly guy though. :/
I've not eaten nuggets in so long [vegetarian] but I'm glad they work well for you!
thank u!!
yeah bless him he obviously doesn't do it on purpose so nobody gets mad
ahh the same with my cat!! and mine pretends she's not but i know she loves it rlly, like she scowls n stuff but she doesn't move from your lap so clearly isn't having too much of a bad time c':
ah thats fair! total respect to you for the veggie thing <3 yeah i find nuggets are usually lower cal than a burger yet still look like a completely normal option (especially if u get fries too haha meep)
Capella, on 26 Jun 2016 - 3:43 PM, said:
yayy congrats on the first day well done
thank u!!
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Posted 26 June 2016 - 06:06 PM
chocolatemilk, on 26 Jun 2016 - 4:12 PM, said:
thank u!!
yeah bless him he obviously doesn't do it on purpose so nobody gets mad
ahh the same with my cat!! and mine pretends she's not but i know she loves it rlly, like she scowls n stuff but she doesn't move from your lap so clearly isn't having too much of a bad time c':
ah thats fair! total respect to you for the veggie thing <3 yeah i find nuggets are usually lower cal than a burger yet still look like a completely normal option (especially if u get fries too haha meep)
Haha, cats are so prone to doing that, aren't they My cat, when it gets really cold, likes to lie under the covers with me, but he will pretending he's not enjoying himself. Then, the purring starts.
I've been vegetarian for three years now, and have eaten meat-limited for...five? I think? It's really nice, but I totally get that it's not for everyone. Yeah, I imagine nuggets are better than a burger for that Burgers are a loooot of food, even the veggie ones are. O.o
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Posted 27 June 2016 - 03:30 PM
27/6
weight: 95.2 / bmi: 16.7
breakfast:
40g porridge oats (150) 100ml almond milk (24) toffee flavdrops (0) 126g banana (95) ~ my first time cooking porridge on a stove top n i overcooked it n also it was a lil more runny than i like (also added 150ml water as my mum had bought regular instead of unsweetened almond milk) but oh well i have plenty of time to perfect my porridge
lunch:
chicken n supergrains soup (274) unpictured taste of my mums homemade smoothie, had a couple mouthfuls (50)
snack:
cookies n cream kitkat (107)
dinner:
estimated 50g iceberg lettuce (11) half pack bbq pulled pork (304)
post-dinner:
muller bliss corner (142)
total: 1157
firstly i apologise for the sucky photos, i havent figured out good places to take pics at home yet haha. n i wont have my cute duvet cover here (which i usually use for the backgrounds) until like sunday bc im staying the night back at uni on friday so i left it. so yeah expect lame pics for the rest of this week too
im so tired so i rlly cba typing out a long update but i had a wobble today. may have said some things to my mum so shes kinda aware im having issues with my eating, cried a bunch bc freaking out about summer in general but luckily have a cat to cuddle now so that helped. but then had a kinda revelation that i think i already miss the gym lmao like it meant i could eat more bc i was burning more yknow, so i need to get sorted with a gym here i think. im going to my parents' gym on a guest pass with my mum n sister tomorrow evening but gnna only spend like 30 mins in gym then go for a swim/hot tub. so im not gnna burn a bunch but it should be okay, although im worried about them seeing me in my swimwear
in the day tomorrow im gnna meet up with my best friend that i have at home, havent seen her in like 5 months. when we were like 14-15 we were kinda pro ana together n i feel like shes over it so im worried about her seeing my weightloss tbh
still havent unpacked, didnt sleep well so ive been kinda exhausted. went food shopping so have some stuff in now. will probably update more about todays wobble tomorrow bc i feel it was significant
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Posted 27 June 2016 - 04:05 PM
LOVE your heart bowls and i love the way you always make your oatmeal look so cute with the banana cut like that..
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Posted 28 June 2016 - 02:37 PM
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Posted 28 June 2016 - 03:34 PM
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Posted 28 June 2016 - 03:52 PM
1virgo, on 27 Jun 2016 - 4:05 PM, said:
LOVE your heart bowls and i love the way you always make your oatmeal look so cute with the banana cut like that..
thank u!!
lee062, on 28 Jun 2016 - 2:37 PM, said:
I hope the gym/spa thing goes okay and that you feel better soon <3 <3
thank u <3 my mum was concerned about my weightloss but its okay, im gnna post more about it in my update
rogue robot, on 28 Jun 2016 - 3:34 PM, said:
Hope your day went ok chocolatemilk and that you're feeling better about the wobble with your mum, summer etc... The change of environment is bound to take a bit of getting used to (I'm rubbish with change!) so try to hang in there and let yourself adjust to things being different, then I'm sure you'll feel better and find your rhythm xo
thank u!! im feeling good rn, ive basically just talked honestly about it to my mum n sister gnna write about it in my main update xx
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Posted 28 June 2016 - 04:13 PM
28/6
weight: 95.2 / bmi: 16.7
breakfast:
35g porridge oats (132) 10g cocoa powder (42) 2tsp sweetener (4) 96g banana (72) 100ml almond milk (24) high protein chocolate (46) peppermint tea (0) ~ second attempt at cooking porridge on the stove top, today it was slightly undercooked c': maybe tomorrow it'll be just right
lunch: green tea (0)
snack:
light chocolate digestive (78)
dinner:
"polla ad astra" pizza (630) 300ml pink lemonade lucozade zero (6)
post-gym snack:
chocolate birthday flapjack bar (209)
total: 1243
+ crosstrainer (-150)
+ 7k steps
+ like 10-15 mins leisurely swimming
net total: 1093
kinda major thing just happened this evening, i spoke to my mum n sister openly about the problems ive been having w eating. basically i knew they knew already n they knew i knew they knew yknow? n it kinda came up n i felt able to be open. it came up after my mum saw me in gym/swimwear n then in the car back we were talking n she said how when a couple years ago my dad was rlly ill she stopped eating as a control thing n that obviously resonated w me so the conversation kinda came onto me. theyve known for ages but didnt know whether to bring it up bc feared if they brought it up i might like shy away n not open up at all yknow. my family rlly struggles with talking about stuff. but apparently theyve all talked about it a lot together whilst ive been at uni
it went well like obviously i know my family wants whats best for me. i told them im not planning on losing any more which im honestly not. n they told me they'll do anything to help make things less stressful n they want me to be happy n are happy for me to eat what i want if im not losing still etc, but also that they dont want me to be doing things that are making me unhappy so to basically know that i can talk to them if things are making me unhappy/i want help
honestly i kinda knew this conversation would come so im glad its out of the way!! i think it's definitely a positive thing, no more hiding anything, if something food related is stressing me like i can be open about it yknow. theyre not making me gain, but my mum did suggest like maybe i should test run this weight n if its not as important/good as i thought it would be then to consider gaining
basically everything she said was fine like my family are rad
im still gonna be maintaining 95!! but i do kinda wanna work on being happier n stuff, i still wanna fight my fear of unknown calories etc, n i told my mum that. it feels rlly good to have them by my side
apart from that i spent the day with my friend who i hadn't seen in so long n we just generally had a catch up n looked round some shops n stuff it was super chill. skipping lunch wasnt intentional but i also kinda suspected it would happen as often when i go into town w this friend we dont eat lunch bc shes a vegan n its hard to find vegan options? so like we just go to a coffee shop n get drinks
today is good. i feel like a huge weight has been lifted
still havent unpacked though lmao im planning on doing it tomorrow wish me luck!!
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Posted 28 June 2016 - 04:22 PM
So glad you were able to open up, and have support.
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H: 5'7.5 LW: 150 (2014) SW: 158 (2014) HW: 216 (Dec. 2019..that's embarrassing) CW: ?
Gw 1: 190 lbs (86 kg) BMI - 29.3
Gw 2: 180 lbs (82 kg) BMI - 27.8
Gw 3: 170 lbs (77 kg) BMI - 26.2
Gw 4: 160 lbs (73 kg) BMI - 24.7
Gw 5: 150 lbs (68 kg) BMI - 23.1
Gw 6: 140 lbs (64 kg) BMI - 21.6
Gw 7: 130 lbs (59 kg) BMI - 20.1
Gw 8: 120 lbs (54 kg) BMI - 18.5
♥ UGW: 114 lbs(51 kg) BMI - 17.6 ♥
MAINTAIN BETWEEN 107-114
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215 214 213 212 210 209 208 207 206
205 204 203 202 201 200 199 198 197 196
195 194 193 192 191 190 189 188 187 186
185 184 183 182 181 180 179 178 177 176
175 174 173 172 171 170 169 168 167 166
165 164 163 162 161 160 159 158 157 156
155 154 153 152 151 150 149 148 147 146
145 144 143 142 141 140 139 138 137 136
135 134 133 132 131 130 129 128 127 126
125 124 123 122 121 120 119 118 117 116
115 114<3
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Posted 28 June 2016 - 04:24 PM
chocolatemilk, on 28 Jun 2016 - 4:13 PM, said:
kinda major thing just happened this evening, i spoke to my mum n sister openly about the problems ive been having w eating. basically i knew they knew already n they knew i knew they knew yknow? n it kinda came up n i felt able to be open. it came up after my mum saw me in gym/swimwear n then in the car back we were talking n she said how when a couple years ago my dad was rlly ill she stopped eating as a control thing n that obviously resonated w me so the conversation kinda came onto me. theyve known for ages but didnt know whether to bring it up bc feared if they brought it up i might like shy away n not open up at all yknow. my family rlly struggles with talking about stuff. but apparently theyve all talked about it a lot together whilst ive been at uni
it went well like obviously i know my family wants whats best for me. i told them im not planning on losing any more which im honestly not. n they told me they'll do anything to help make things less stressful n they want me to be happy n are happy for me to eat what i want if im not losing still etc, but also that they dont want me to be doing things that are making me unhappy so to basically know that i can talk to them if things are making me unhappy/i want help
honestly i kinda knew this conversation would come so im glad its out of the way!! i think it's definitely a positive thing, no more hiding anything, if something food related is stressing me like i can be open about it yknow. theyre not making me gain, but my mum did suggest like maybe i should test run this weight n if its not as important/good as i thought it would be then to consider gaining
basically everything she said was fine like my family are rad
im still gonna be maintaining 95!! but i do kinda wanna work on being happier n stuff, i still wanna fight my fear of unknown calories etc, n i told my mum that. it feels rlly good to have them by my side
apart from that i spent the day with my friend who i hadn't seen in so long n we just generally had a catch up n looked round some shops n stuff it was super chill. skipping lunch wasnt intentional but i also kinda suspected it would happen as often when i go into town w this friend we dont eat lunch bc shes a vegan n its hard to find vegan options? so like we just go to a coffee shop n get drinks
today is good. i feel like a huge weight has been lifted
still havent unpacked though lmao im planning on doing it tomorrow wish me luck!!
I'm so glad you were able to open up to your mom and sister and that they were so supportive of you! It sounds like you have a really awesome family!
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Posted 28 June 2016 - 04:34 PM
Good luck unpacking--by the summer before my senior year, it was understood that I would just wear the same ~10 outfits I managed to wrangle out all summer lmao
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Posted 28 June 2016 - 04:35 PM
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Posted 28 June 2016 - 04:38 PM
Choco_Bitch_612, on 28 Jun 2016 - 4:22 PM, said:
So glad you were able to open up, and have support.
thank you
~pixie angelheart~, on 28 Jun 2016 - 4:24 PM, said:
I'm so glad you were able to open up to your mom and sister and that they were so supportive of you! It sounds like you have a really awesome family!
thank u so much! i really really do, i am so lucky
Blunder_Road, on 28 Jun 2016 - 4:34 PM, said:
I'm so happy your family is understanding and supportive! I'm sure that will make maintaining & the rest of the summer a hell of a lot easier.
Good luck unpacking--by the summer before my senior year, it was understood that I would just wear the same ~10 outfits I managed to wrangle out all summer lmao
thank you n yes it will be so much easier, the relief is unreal tbh
haha thanks n yessss i have been in the same outfit the past 3 days c':
lee062, on 28 Jun 2016 - 4:35 PM, said:
Wow that's so like... super nice to hear about your family. Like I'm just so happy it wasn't just them yelling at you to gain and why can't you eat more etc etc because that's never good, even when it's just because they care. Hope that goldilocks is right and that your 3rd bowl of oats will be juuuust right. They do look super delicious anyway haha.
thanks so much, im so relieved too. i think it helped that i insisted that i dont rlly wanna be this way n i dont wanna lose more!! so like we're on the same page with it i suppose c':
haha thank you, this mornings bowl was pretty delicious tbh just the oats were still a lil hard hahaha
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Posted 28 June 2016 - 04:40 PM
oh my gosh i'm so glad it went so well w your mom and your sister. they reacted so calmly and well it seems and i'm glad you have it out in the open i'm sure it'll take some stress away from you and stuff so that's really awesome :^)
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Posted 28 June 2016 - 04:41 PM
It's wonderful that your parents are being awesome, I'm so happy for you!
I went to the doctor today and she was giving me that look where they want to see if you have anything to talk about [do you know what I mean?] and I came this close to just blurting out that I was restricting. But I didn't.
I think someday I will, but now is not the time, and the doctor's office right before a blood test is not the place
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Posted 28 June 2016 - 05:04 PM
uzumaki, on 28 Jun 2016 - 4:40 PM, said:
oh my gosh i'm so glad it went so well w your mom and your sister. they reacted so calmly and well it seems and i'm glad you have it out in the open i'm sure it'll take some stress away from you and stuff so that's really awesome :^)
thanks so much!! yess i am so relieved, everything will be so much easier now n_n
RunningFree, on 28 Jun 2016 - 4:41 PM, said:
It's wonderful that your parents are being awesome, I'm so happy for you!
I went to the doctor today and she was giving me that look where they want to see if you have anything to talk about [do you know what I mean?] and I came this close to just blurting out that I was restricting. But I didn't.
I think someday I will, but now is not the time, and the doctor's office right before a blood test is not the place
thank you!!
ah i rlly hope you can manage to open up to somebody, its just so relieving tbh n you deserve some support through this <3
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Posted 24 June 2016 - 01:40 PM
Those fries look so good, omg.
Glad that you had a good day
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Posted 24 June 2016 - 01:44 PM
chocolatemilk, on 24 Jun 2016 - 1:40 PM, said:
its the ppl who voted for it, bc a big part of wanting to be separate from the EU is so that we can control our own borders and the general plan is for us to decrease the amount of ppl we let into the country. ppl think that this is a racist idea but its rlly not, we have tighter controls on the ppl outside of EU who want to come over here n i think it should be the same rules for every immigrant. it should be about the skills they are bringing to the country, nothing to do with race
LoL sorry. I meant voted for it. I understand now. oh and if people in the UK won't be considered European anymore, what will they be now???
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Posted 24 June 2016 - 03:32 PM
Starduss, on 24 Jun 2016 - 1:44 PM, said:
LoL sorry. I meant voted for it. I understand now. oh and if people in the UK won't be considered European anymore, what will they be now???
ahh it's fine!! and we'll just be british ppl i guess
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Posted 24 June 2016 - 03:33 PM
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Posted 24 June 2016 - 03:38 PM
rogue robot, on 24 Jun 2016 - 3:33 PM, said:
Ok we obviously differ with our political views but I still <3 your thread and your cat pinny is adorable! X
thanks so much!! yeah i saw that u were unhappy with the result, but ive never been one to hold it against ppl if they hold different views about stuff like that, i rlly believe in democracy n im glad we got a vote like im happy for ppl to have their opinions <3
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Posted 24 June 2016 - 07:15 PM
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Posted 24 June 2016 - 08:15 PM
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Posted 24 June 2016 - 09:54 PM
Glad that you're doing well in terms of maintaining, but be careful with the lax
H: 5'7.5 LW: 150 (2014) SW: 158 (2014) HW: 216 (Dec. 2019..that's embarrassing) CW: ?
Gw 1: 190 lbs (86 kg) BMI - 29.3
Gw 2: 180 lbs (82 kg) BMI - 27.8
Gw 3: 170 lbs (77 kg) BMI - 26.2
Gw 4: 160 lbs (73 kg) BMI - 24.7
Gw 5: 150 lbs (68 kg) BMI - 23.1
Gw 6: 140 lbs (64 kg) BMI - 21.6
Gw 7: 130 lbs (59 kg) BMI - 20.1
Gw 8: 120 lbs (54 kg) BMI - 18.5
♥ UGW: 114 lbs(51 kg) BMI - 17.6 ♥
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Posted 24 June 2016 - 10:17 PM
Also, I'm an ignorant American, what is going on in the EU? Which country wants to break away?
H: 5'7.5 LW: 150 (2014) SW: 158 (2014) HW: 216 (Dec. 2019..that's embarrassing) CW: ?
Gw 1: 190 lbs (86 kg) BMI - 29.3
Gw 2: 180 lbs (82 kg) BMI - 27.8
Gw 3: 170 lbs (77 kg) BMI - 26.2
Gw 4: 160 lbs (73 kg) BMI - 24.7
Gw 5: 150 lbs (68 kg) BMI - 23.1
Gw 6: 140 lbs (64 kg) BMI - 21.6
Gw 7: 130 lbs (59 kg) BMI - 20.1
Gw 8: 120 lbs (54 kg) BMI - 18.5
♥ UGW: 114 lbs(51 kg) BMI - 17.6 ♥
MAINTAIN BETWEEN 107-114
my eatingdisordercentral account
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Posted 25 June 2016 - 02:34 AM
Capella, on 24 Jun 2016 - 7:15 PM, said:
Oh man I have much to catch up on haha, first off CONGRATS ON A YEAR that is a huge accomplishment!! Also I'm glad u got the donut you deserve to have rad treats!! Maintaining seems to be going really well for you which is also awesome !
thanks so much!! yeah im pleased with how smoothly its going so far, but worried everything will get messed up when i go home c': <3
lee062, on 24 Jun 2016 - 8:15 PM, said:
Oh my gosh I'm so jealous of that Taco Bell! It looks so very yummy and filling, I'm really glad you enjoyed it and that you were able to fit it into your intake. Your rule! <3
yes it was amazing omg!! thanks so much n_n <3
Choco_Bitch_612, on 24 Jun 2016 - 9:54 PM, said:
Glad that you're doing well in terms of maintaining, but be careful with the lax
Choco_Bitch_612, on 24 Jun 2016 - 10:17 PM, said:
Also, I'm an ignorant American, what is going on in the EU? Which country wants to break away?
thank you!! yeah you're right i rlly dont wanna have to rely on lax. once ive hit maintenance cals im gnna work on weighing myself less often so that hopefully eventually i wont feel the need to use them
the UK has voted to break away from the EU so basically we'll be able to make our own laws, control our own borders, make our own trade deals etc without being controlled by the EU
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Posted 25 June 2016 - 01:18 PM
25/6
no weigh in
breakfast:
30g bran flakes (108) 30g choco hazelnut krave (135) 150ml almond milk (20) fruit tea (0)
lunch:
prawn mayo sandwich (249) dairylea dunkers (123)
dinner:
microwaved atkins brownie bar (218) 70g vanilla frozen yoghurt (87) 25ml walden farms choc syrup (4)
post-dinner:
3 winter oreos (210)
total: 1154
so yeah i decided to go a bit into calorie increase #3 but not right up to my limit (which is now 1250) but i will most likely eat up to it tomorrow!!
been packing all day, going home tomorrow. im a mixture of excited n terrified tbh haha. i think it's gnna be alright, like im feelin in control n i know my parents are gnna let me pick out my own food n stuff so that's all fine, it's mainly just the idea of eating unknown calorie foods that scares me but im gnna work on this fear!! i have a plan!! so starting tomorrow there will always be a risk of unknown calorie foods n i think the way i am gnna deal with this is to continue with the calorie counting n use mfp/google/experience to estimate the calories in foods (rather than knowing theyre unknown n freaking out n ending up eating more lol) i see a lot of other ppl estimating calories n they seem to be fine so why cant i do it? like i need to get it into my head that unknown calorie foods are a thing i cant avoid n my best guess at the calories is fine, i dont have to be 100% accurate n im not gnna balloon overnight if im not 100% meticulous with my counting yknow? i think it's likely i'll overestimate at first though to feel safer
i want to be able to eat unknown calorie foods. i absolutely love eating out n miss it a lot!! n i wanna be able to eat fish n chips at the seaside etc, i wanna be able to enjoy normal fun days out n stuff. so im rlly motivated to fight this fear n i may even put myself in uncomfortable situations to try n fight it bc i feel like the only way to get over it is to eat unknown calorie foods n see that i wont gain from it yknow
im gnna blab some more about being at home so i'll make a spoiler so the post doesn't end up too long. i like typing stuff out bc it kinda helps me feel organised/in control, pls dont feel obliged to read it haha
on work days im planning on lunch being my main meal, like a dinner type meal. i'll be working evenings like 5pm-12 so im planning on packing a dinner to eat on my break of like a sandwich/wrap etc (more a lunch kinda meal haha) bc the food they serve at work is hella calorific, n we also sell sweets/crisp so i feel like if i try to not eat at work n get hungry then i may be tempted by that stuff. so yeah a packed dinner seems wise n also it'll be cute i think!! making myself a lil sandwich n snack to take haha
i am kinda concerned about what my parents will think about my weightloss. the last time i was at home i was around 10lbs heavier n i feel like it is noticeable as i was at a lowest weight then, so they commented on it then n told me to not lose more etc. bc of this im gnna try to make sure they see me eating, like i'll try make sure all the stuff i eat they are aware of, n make them aware im taking dinner to work etc. i feel like my parents are the type of ppl who assume anorexia is like eating nothing/barely anything so im hoping this'll throw them off n stop them worrying
part of me is p sure they're already onto me though n will realise i've lost the weight unhealthily. so if it ends up like that then i guess i'll just have to assure then im not planning on losing more n that im working on it
we'll probably go to nandos tomorrow. i spoke to my dad n he made it seem like it wasnt set in stone or anything but now im already used to the idea of nandos so i think im gnna suggest it anyway as theres one super near my uni halls. idk what im gnna have yet but i've written down all the calories in the notes on my phone lol so im gnna like actually talk to my dad about the menu n see what happens n act natural rather than being like *glances at menu* "ok i know the exact thing i want" lmao thats what happened last time bc i'd planned it. idk if im making any sense rn
as for the evening i think if we get home early enough (bc the shops shut earlier on sundays) we might go food shopping as my parents did mention that as they know i'll wanna get stuff, so if that happens dinner will be fine. if not then im p sure it'll still be fine as i remember leaving fish fingers in the freezer that i highly doubt anyones eaten n there will be other stuff in the freezer too. im not worried about tomorrow
im not rlly worried about the coming week!! its mainly the weekends that i think may include scary meals out etc. but if i continue the increasing plan then by next saturday i could be increasing to 1400 so i think its okay
ive said this before but im so relieved that ive been able to increase before going home bc my tummy has already adjusted to eating a lot more than i was before without there being a huge amount of discomfort, bc when i went home in easter i rlly hated the bloat/discomfort n i think it actually made me overeat more bc i felt bad yknow. i generally overeat when i feel bad so i think the fact im feeling positive atm is a good sign!!
okay im done i think. will probably ramble on some more tomorrow
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Posted 25 June 2016 - 02:08 PM
And btw your dinner of today looks so damn good I need it in my life
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Posted 25 June 2016 - 02:16 PM
blue_stardust, on 25 Jun 2016 - 2:08 PM, said:
It makes me very happy to see that you are kinda getting out of the ed mindset. You are truly inspiring!! I hope everything goes well when you are home.
And btw your dinner of today looks so damn good I need it in my life
thank you!! tbh i am kinda forcing it a bit. i miss eating less n i know im gnna miss losing weight a bunch but im hoping with time it'll get easier n i just keep reminding myself of the reasons i planned to maintain n_n
haha it was rlly good!! although the frozen yoghurt kinda made the brownie bar go hard rather than warm n gooey so i would suggest separating them a bit rather than just blobbing the yoghurt right on top haha c':
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Posted 25 June 2016 - 02:18 PM
Whenever I'm not sure I use a combo of Google and my judgement/knowledge to make a guess and I always stick with the first figure that feels right. After a while it will be second nature/not a reason to freak out. You smash everything else like a champion, you totally got this! <3#1236
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Posted 25 June 2016 - 02:37 PM
rogue robot, on 25 Jun 2016 - 2:18 PM, said:
Awesome attitude to tackling unknown calories!
thank u so much for this!! at the moment i think im all talk n have yet to prove i can do it but i rlly rlly hope i can, like i think my fear of unknown calories is the one big thing that could mess up maintenance for me so i rlly wanna get it sorted. your confidence in me is actually genuinely super reassuring haha thanks so much <3
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Posted 25 June 2016 - 04:27 PM
and I just wanna say too that your dinner looks awesome I'm really jealous!
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Posted 26 June 2016 - 12:41 PM
Reverence, on 25 Jun 2016 - 4:27 PM, said:
what I do is search on mfp and pick the number that's in the middle, so like if its 75, 67 or 82 I go with 75, but if I'm particularly anxious about it then I just go with the higher one.
and I just wanna say too that your dinner looks awesome I'm really jealous!
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ah thanks for your input, that sounds like a good way to do it n_n mfp is such a life saver haha
thank u!!
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Posted 26 June 2016 - 01:04 PM
26/6
weight: 95.2 (+0.6) / bmi: 16.7
breakfast:
cocoa abc bear biscuits (112)
lunch:
6 mcnuggets (259) medium fries (337) ketchup (21) diet coke (1)
dinner:
half pouch egg fried rice (205) crispy chicken (199) 14g sweet chilli sauce (26) gave my dad more of the rice but still counted as half
post-dinner:
fibre one brownie (87)
total: 1247
+6.5k steps (dog walk)
weighed over 95 but weirdly felt okay about it? like i know its food weight, im still not having BMs naturally at all. i'm starting to think i should just weigh less often n trust in my beliefs in calories in vs calories out yknow? i may or may not weigh tomorrow but im not gonna take lax tonight, i will do in a couple days if i still havent had any BMs but i wanna be less reliant on them n give my body a chance to sort its shit out (pun intended lmao)
so im home!! i thought we would eat out but they'd left the dog on his own at home so my dad wanted to get back?? apparently now the dog is older he can't hold on as long so has been peeing inside n stuff lmao. but then when we were driving my dad suddenly suggested we get a mcds drive thru. as i was rushed i went with a meal i knew came to like 600cals n_n nuggets are like my safe mcds food haha. this meal was totally fine n im kinda proud of myself that i felt so okay with the sudden change of plans!!
at home all we have is like frozen chips n crispy chicken stuff etc, my family live off that shit lmao. luckily had a brainwave to have rice now that i can actually share foods as we had some of those instant rice pouches. so dinner was fine c: im going food shopping tomorrow evening so i can pick stuff, but my mum bought oats, almond milk n bananas so that i could have porridge for breakfast omg she is so awesome <3 although its regular instead of unsweetened so i think im gnna have like part milk part water haha
weighing the sweet chilli sauce was awks af haha i did it inside the cupboard so they wouldnt see. i feel like im gnna have to just let them see me weigh food at some point so that i can do it in front of them bc itll be so annoying to hide it all summer. side note the sauce was thick n i couldnt get it all out of the lil thing i weighed it in so probably had less calories of sauce than i counted
ive been reunited with my cat <3 shes always kinda cold the first day lmao, but i saved her a tin of tuna n gave it to her for dinner so she enjoyed that c': hopefully she'll be up for lots of cuddles tomorrow hahaha
not looking forward to unpacking, think i'll put it off until tomorrow tbh i cba to do any tonight
day one at home = success!!
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Posted 22 June 2016 - 07:43 AM
Reading all your stuff really gives me life! Your food, weightloss, just YOU it's all amazing, keep it up!
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Posted 22 June 2016 - 09:33 AM
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Posted 22 June 2016 - 12:11 PM
skinny.elle, on 21 Jun 2016 - 11:43 AM, said:
I mean this:
there's no intentional way to make the photo show up like that
On the phone app, the first pic posted on your thread is what is used.
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H: 5'7.5 LW: 150 (2014) SW: 158 (2014) HW: 216 (Dec. 2019..that's embarrassing) CW: ?
Gw 1: 190 lbs (86 kg) BMI - 29.3
Gw 2: 180 lbs (82 kg) BMI - 27.8
Gw 3: 170 lbs (77 kg) BMI - 26.2
Gw 4: 160 lbs (73 kg) BMI - 24.7
Gw 5: 150 lbs (68 kg) BMI - 23.1
Gw 6: 140 lbs (64 kg) BMI - 21.6
Gw 7: 130 lbs (59 kg) BMI - 20.1
Gw 8: 120 lbs (54 kg) BMI - 18.5
♥ UGW: 114 lbs(51 kg) BMI - 17.6 ♥
MAINTAIN BETWEEN 107-114
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see y'all on the other side
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Posted 22 June 2016 - 12:48 PM
chocolatemilk, on 22 Jun 2016 - 07:02 AM, said:
ah i hope u manage to find something!! if not u could always get a bigger one n then only eat half
I just remembered we have one pizza chain that has personal pizza (they're quite fancy haha) and like I'd have to make a trip out to get some but omg thank you for reminding me haha!! I'll stop clogging up your thread now sorry.
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Posted 22 June 2016 - 01:29 PM
❣ Chaola ❣, on 22 Jun 2016 - 07:43 AM, said:
Reading all your stuff really gives me life! Your food, weightloss, just YOU it's all amazing, keep it up!
awwww chao <333 thank u so much!! you're amazing
Anniel, on 22 Jun 2016 - 09:33 AM, said:
I am just checking in and am so happy to see maintaining and increasing your intake is going to so well! I am so happy for you. You have been such an inspiration in your positive attitude. I am still quite a bit of a health nut but you have given me the courage to start trying to have more treats with my meals. You have shown that it is possible to do that and to not feel guilty about it so thank you!
aw wow thank u so much ah im so happy to hear that!! i think everybody should be able to include treats c: honestly i would like to start eating a bit healthier tbh but rn my priority is getting up to maintenance calories, n then i think once im eating my maintenance intake then i can start looking at switching up to some healthier options c': also i have so much unhealthy stuff hoarded that rn im just trying to get through some of it u_u
<3
Choco_Bitch_612, on 22 Jun 2016 - 12:11 PM, said:
there's no intentional way to make the photo show up like that
On the phone app, the first pic posted on your thread is what is used.
thats so weird bc it wasn't the first pic i posted, nor is it the last pic i posted c':
lee062, on 22 Jun 2016 - 12:48 PM, said:
I just remembered we have one pizza chain that has personal pizza (they're quite fancy haha) and like I'd have to make a trip out to get some but omg thank you for reminding me haha!! I'll stop clogging up your thread now sorry.
oh that's awesome!! i hope u enjoy the pizza n_n
Ichiigo✩, on 22 Jun 2016 - 1:04 PM, said:
I was wondering if you have any fear foods, or if you're okay with everything??
Also, congratulations on your weight loss!!
currently im pretty much fine with everything so long as i know the calories!! unknown calorie foods make me majorly freak out lmao, so i guess unknown calorie foods are my fear foods? apart from that i find stuff that ive binged on before can make me kinda anxious, but i seem to have basically gotten over it since coming to uni and having complete control. like i thought it would be hard to have a box of chocolatey cereal (used to binge straight out the box) n oreos as both are binge foods but i have both of those things in my flat rn n feel fine ?? i feel like it'll probably be a different story when i go home though u_u at home i feel much less in control about everything
n thanks so much!!
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Posted 22 June 2016 - 02:02 PM
22/6
no weigh in
breakfast:
40g bran flakes (144) 40g blueberries (19) 150ml almond milk (20) fibre one brownie (87) peppermint tea (0)
lunch:
graze flapjack (246)
snack:
pb pretzel cup (130)
dinner:
157g chicken (166) 200g cauliflower rice (68) 150g korma sauce (167) 50g onion (20) frylight (5)
total: 1072
i realised today that ive been over counting the calories in chicken!! i bought some from a different shop n when i put the calories (which were listed for the chicken as sold) into mfp i noticed it was less than usual? so i googled it n sure enough i think ive been using the cooked calories whilst weighing it uncooked (it loses weight after being cooked) so thats fun haha more food for me
tomorrow is a kinda special day for me as it marks a year clean of cutting!! ive been planning for a while to eat cake as a kinda celebration but now im thinking if i buy a cake some will probs go to waste, plus i have so much sweet stuff to get through so it doesnt make sense to buy a cake lol. but i still wanna reward myself with something nice!! i am thinking about buying myself the new krispy kreme reeses pbj doughnut bc i rlly wanna try it but its the most calorific doughnut they sell haha so it feels kinda lame to spend such a big chunk of my daily calories on a doughnut. but i know if i get another doughnut it will be disappointing bc the pbj one is the one i rlly wanna try, so i think im either gnna get it or something different entirely, maybe a cupcake or something. i guess i'll see what i fancy tomorrow/what my weight is haha
either way im so proud of myself??
im so so ready to go home now, like im so excited to see my family/pets n be in a nice house with a living room n a nice sofa n a tv etc, i miss it so badly haha like student halls arent rlly the most homely places. only a few more days now though meep
edit: ive basically decided im gnna get the doughnut. its 458 cals so it kinda just seems ridiculous for one thing, so i know i most likely wont be able to justify it another day n its limited edition so i just know it would end up that i run out of time n regret not trying it. but tomorrow is a special occasion n it is the thing i rlly want so its the thing im gnna get
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Posted 22 June 2016 - 04:08 PM
chocolatemilk, on 22 Jun 2016 - 2:02 PM, said:
tomorrow is a kinda special day for me as it marks a year clean of cutting!! ive been planning for a while to eat cake as a kinda celebration but now im thinking if i buy a cake some will probs go to waste, plus i have so much sweet stuff to get through so it doesnt make sense to buy a cake lol. but i still wanna reward myself with something nice!! i am thinking about buying myself the new krispy kreme reeses pbj doughnut bc i rlly wanna try it
either way im so proud of myself??
That is SUPER AWESOME, hon! Congratulations!
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Posted 22 June 2016 - 04:15 PM
~pixie angelheart~, on 22 Jun 2016 - 4:08 PM, said:
That is SUPER AWESOME, hon! Congratulations!
thank u so much!!
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Posted 22 June 2016 - 04:23 PM
chocolatemilk, on 22 Jun 2016 - 1:29 PM, said:
thats so weird bc it wasn't the first pic i posted, nor is it the last pic i posted c':
Oh really? Then I guess maybe the pic that fits most into the frame?
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H: 5'7.5 LW: 150 (2014) SW: 158 (2014) HW: 216 (Dec. 2019..that's embarrassing) CW: ?
Gw 1: 190 lbs (86 kg) BMI - 29.3
Gw 2: 180 lbs (82 kg) BMI - 27.8
Gw 3: 170 lbs (77 kg) BMI - 26.2
Gw 4: 160 lbs (73 kg) BMI - 24.7
Gw 5: 150 lbs (68 kg) BMI - 23.1
Gw 6: 140 lbs (64 kg) BMI - 21.6
Gw 7: 130 lbs (59 kg) BMI - 20.1
Gw 8: 120 lbs (54 kg) BMI - 18.5
♥ UGW: 114 lbs(51 kg) BMI - 17.6 ♥
MAINTAIN BETWEEN 107-114
my eatingdisordercentral account
see y'all on the other side
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Posted 22 June 2016 - 04:23 PM
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Posted 22 June 2016 - 07:49 PM
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Posted 23 June 2016 - 02:30 AM
Shrinking_blutengel, on 22 Jun 2016 - 4:22 PM, said:
Omgomgomgomgomg I'M SO PROUD OF YOU FOR THE 1 YEAR FREE FROM CUTTING!!!!! "Sprejades glitter around you" good job!!!
uzumaki, on 22 Jun 2016 - 4:23 PM, said:
oh my god you deserve that donut so much!! I'm happy you decided to treat yourself ❤️❤️❤️
Blunder_Road, on 22 Jun 2016 - 5:14 PM, said:
AHH CONGRATS
That's a huge accomplishment--I hope you enjoy the donut
❣ Chaola ❣, on 22 Jun 2016 - 5:57 PM, said:
Wow that's great to hear! GET DAT DONUT GIRL! You derseve it !
aaah thanks so much u guys!! <3
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Posted 23 June 2016 - 02:32 AM
viscereal, on 22 Jun 2016 - 7:20 PM, said:
the pb pretzel cup looks amazing..pb and choco and sweet and salty is a heavenly combo ahh <3
yeah that's what i thought too but it was actually kinda disappointing!! the pb flavour wasnt very strong n the pretzel wasnt salted just plain u_u i agree that sweet n salty combos are to die for <333
Cassoila, on 22 Jun 2016 - 7:49 PM, said:
Hey! I feel like such a creeper for not ever commenting but i just had to say congrats on the ugw!! I've been following this thread for a bit now (totally creepy sounding) but i was at the same sw as you and we are about the same height. I'm about 113 rn but we have the same gw (yours being cw duh >_<) but as you've been told so many times your pics are so cute and i love your updates. Your personality is pretty dope too i will add lol keeps everything interesting to read. But just had to pop in!! Keep rockin kedd
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ahh thank you!! good luck with hitting ur goals n_n
aw thank u so much
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Posted 23 June 2016 - 02:44 AM
YOURE DOING SO WELL ON MAINTAINING <3 IM SO PROUD OF YOU
YEA GIRLLLLLL XX
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subscribe if ya want
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Posted 23 June 2016 - 03:07 AM
You're incredible. Congrats lovely <3
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Posted 13 June 2016 - 02:57 AM
Capella, on 12 Jun 2016 - 7:12 PM, said:
Fajitas are so good *p* I miss them :')
Your food looks so fun! It makes me wanna try new stuff and eat lots of snacks but I literally can't stop myself from binging when I eat too many snacks x_x someday! Haha
Also it's so rad how even with a gain you're still under your ugw!!
they are!! i missed them too. there will be a way to make them lower cal (just use less of everything i guess, n maybe skip the sour cream/cheese) but i wanted proper fajitas lmao n these did not disappoint
thanks!! im sorry i hope you figure out a way to kick the binging habit, everyone should be able to eat nice snack foods c:
ah thanks but today i gained (food weight) up to my ugw u_u im 95 on the dot which is scary but im planning on continuing, taking lax tonight n praying n then if i gain again tomorrow i'll have to go back to how i was restricting before i guess which would be lame
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Posted 13 June 2016 - 12:10 PM
13/6
weight: 95 (+0.6) / bmi: 16.6
breakfast:
chocolate chip poptart (210) 2 date hearts (42) peppermint tea (0)
lunch:
"afternoon tea delight" dessert (239) ~ lame photo but it was cream, scone pieces n strawberry compote
dinner:
red thai chicken curry meal (373)
post-dinner:
dairy milk oreo egg (58) 2 bags slimatee (2)
total: 924
ngl i felt bad about gaining. im mad at myself bc i feel like an idiot for not planning for food weight, like i have ideas of what to do about food weight when eating maintenance but i didnt consider it for this inbetween increasing stage ffs im so dumb. i figured as im not over 95 just on it then i would just continue the plan today n take lax tonight n pray to not have gained any more tomorrow, bc if ive gained to over 95 im gnna revert back to how i was restricting before n that'd be lame af. i'll probably take a couple dulcolax aswell as the slimatee tonight bc i rlly dont wanna be over 95. ive felt so huge today lol
i spent the day hanging out w friends n resisted a lot of food. they kept talking about food we're all gnna eat in the house next yr n it was making me feel kinda crappy bc idk if i'll be able to join in. like i do wanna work on my unknown calorie fear but i feel in the house idk if i'll challenge it much if there's no need to yknow? like i only wanna have unknown cals if i have to. so i can see myself feeling kinda left out if theyre all eating together
idk just generally felt kinda lame today, rlly rlly hoping to not gain tomorrow bc it would literally suck so much to go back to regular restriction after all this excitement n only after the first calorie increase lol, pls pray for me
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Posted 13 June 2016 - 12:21 PM
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Posted 13 June 2016 - 12:29 PM
rogue robot, on 13 Jun 2016 - 12:21 PM, said:
Aw please try not to freak out, there's bound to be food weight, you won't actually be gaining. What about giving yourself 1lb either side so you have some wiggle room? I'm sure it's easier said than done but please don't give up! Stay strong! X
thanks for the reassurance <3 you are totally right, i know im not eating enough to gain but my ed thoughts tend to defy logic n i just know if i see above 95 on the scale i'll feel like a failure. ugh its so lame, my tummy is so slow like i wish i could just have BMs without lax it'd fix so many problems. i don't rlly want wiggle room above, id rather have wiggle room below yknow, like weigh 93-94
it's just frustrating haha i'll feel like such a failure if after all this excitement n ppl congratulating me i go straight back up
thank you xx
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Posted 13 June 2016 - 12:30 PM
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Posted 13 June 2016 - 12:53 PM
Starduss, on 13 Jun 2016 - 12:30 PM, said:
It is extremely hard to stay at a specific number. The people that can have got to be robots or magicians. Perhaps you should just weigh every morning, jot it down(don't think about it. Just get the number), and at the end of the week do a weekly average for your official weight. We know our bodies fluctuate. But even knowing this obvious fact, we sometimes freakout when we see a gain when we know it wasn't possible. Funny how when we have those random 2 lbs drop we don't want to count it and won't until it's been that number for awhile. We say things like "I was 2 lbs less but I'm prob dehydrated or something." We're logical and rational. But if we gain just an ounce, we panic a bit and all that logic and rationality is gone when we know better lol. So yea. I understand the food weight but just keep drilling what it is. Just food weight.
yeah that is a rlly good idea tbh!! i was planning on working down to only weighing once a week whilst im eating maintenance tbh, i think weighing every day is kinda dumb if you think about it bc so much can affect it. but yeah as you said dumb ed thoughts override the logic n affect your mood even if you know its not a real gain, it sucks
thank you for your reassurance though it rlly means a lot <3 id like to just be under 95 thats all i want lmao like my body can fluctuate as much as it wants if im under 95 but over 95 i just dont wanna go back to idk
fingers crossed lax will do a thing n it'll be fine tomorrow!! n_n
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Posted 13 June 2016 - 01:05 PM
Starduss, on 13 Jun 2016 - 12:30 PM, said:
It is extremely hard to stay at a specific number. The people that can have got to be robots or magicians. Perhaps you should just weigh every morning, jot it down(don't think about it. Just get the number), and at the end of the week do a weekly average for your official weight. We know our bodies fluctuate. But even knowing this obvious fact, we sometimes freakout when we see a gain when we know it wasn't possible. Funny how when we have those random 2 lbs drop we don't want to count it and won't until it's been that number for awhile. We say things like "I was 2 lbs less but I'm prob dehydrated or something." We're logical and rational. But if we gain just an ounce, we panic a bit and all that logic and rationality is gone when we know better lol. So yea. I understand the food weight but just keep drilling what it is. Just food weight.
The app Happy Scale is good for that. If you plug in your readings every day it will give you a 10 day average. It sort of irons out the ups and downs and give the general trend.
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Posted 13 June 2016 - 01:53 PM
Jule, on 13 Jun 2016 - 1:05 PM, said:
The app Happy Scale is good for that. If you plug in your readings every day it will give you a 10 day average. It sort of irons out the ups and downs and give the general trend.
this sounds awesome!! thank you
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Posted 13 June 2016 - 03:55 PM
Capella, on 13 Jun 2016 - 3:07 PM, said:
Sorry about the gain
thank you <3
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Posted 14 June 2016 - 11:12 AM
14/6
weight: 94.6 (-0.4) / bmi: 16.6
breakfast:
porridge (100) 125ml almond milk (16) 2tsp sweetener (4) 60g blueberries (29) white choc protein truffle (96) peppermint tea (0)
lunch:
trek flapjack (227)
dinner:
half chicken fajita pizza (319) 72g red pepper (22) 43g bbq fajita cooking sauce (18) tbsp salsa (7) 20g salad (4) fruit tea (0)
post-dinner:
fibre one brownie (87) asda finally stock these yesssss
pub: diet coke (2)
total: 931
+10k steps
shoutout 2 laxatives for saving me lmao. will probably weigh more again tomorrow, i feel fat af
i dont have much else to report. i got my grade back for my final unit n im pretty certain ive averaged a first overall for my first yr which is rad considering i spent 100% of my brain power thinking about food/weightloss lmao!! i also bought 2 quest flavours i havent tried bc h&b is doing buy one get one half price n i also had £1 off coupon so yolo. oh yeah n fibre one brownies are so good!! i think im gnna eat them p regularly as i could always do with more fibre n they're tasty af
also took a kinda body check in public bc i have no shame
im going to the pub in a bit i'll probably have one diet coke n edit it in
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Posted 14 June 2016 - 11:30 AM
Shrinking_blutengel, on 14 Jun 2016 - 11:20 AM, said:
This Will sound weird but i wish i had your hands and those shoes Are so cute!!!! Hope ypu'll have a Nice time at the pub
aw thank u so much!!
Jule, on 14 Jun 2016 - 11:27 AM, said:
Well done on your grades and I love your shoes too!! Super cute!!
Have a nice time at the pub
thanks so much!!
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Posted 14 June 2016 - 12:40 PM
Woah all that pizza for 319?! I'm so pleased for you that your weigh in today took you back under, happy days
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Posted 14 June 2016 - 02:31 PM
EEEE congrats on the grades
Also I agree on the Fiber One brownies, they are delicious
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Posted 14 June 2016 - 03:14 PM
omg you guys im paranoid about the pizza now hahaha u_u i will be honest n admit that it was the bigger half. i noticed id cut it slightly uneven when i ate the first half but i figured it would cancel itself out yknow?
rogue robot, on 14 Jun 2016 - 12:40 PM, said:
Aw you are tiny and adorable and cat shoes omg <3
Woah all that pizza for 319?! I'm so pleased for you that your weigh in today took you back under, happy days
aw thank you!! <3
thanks so much n_n yeah i feel kinda bad about the pizza, as i just said above it was the bigger half meep
Blunder_Road, on 14 Jun 2016 - 1:04 PM, said:
Congrats on your grades! Whatcha studying?
Also what brand/recipe is that gloriously low cal pizza??
thank you!! i study graphic design
n it's this one n it's damn tasty http://groceries.asd...10/910001512935
Capella, on 14 Jun 2016 - 2:06 PM, said:
low cal pizza is saviourrr hahaha
also your shoes are so cute omg :') you look great!
haha yes it was delicious too
thanks so much!!
RunningFree, on 14 Jun 2016 - 2:31 PM, said:
EEEE congrats on the grades
Also I agree on the Fiber One brownies, they are delicious
aah thank you
omg yes they are, i actually love them *~* was so happy when i found out they'd released them in the uk!!
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chocolatemilk, on 08 Jun 2016 - 3:35 PM, said:
ah thank you!! for me i think its kinda like fear that stops me? like i feel like if i break my plan then i wont stop n i'll binge. honestly at first when i was being consistent i was pretty proud of myself but now it kinda sucks lmao like i feel kinda trapped and like its not my choice anymore. im rlly hoping when i hit my gw i'll be able to increase cals without stressing bc its been planned for so long so hopefully my brain will gimme a break lmao
but yeah lately the urge to eat more has been hitting me harder tbh. but im just scared if i lose control i wont get it back
i dont think i talk hugely about emotions on here but i rlly dont like myself lmao that could be part of it
Yeah I'm starting to really understand that breaking the plan thing. I'm usually fine on the days I keep intake low and don't think about snacking, but days when I'm a bit hungrier and have an extra snack (even if I'm still in my safe limit) can make the remainder of the day 10x harder! It's like having a bit more food (which should make me feel more satisfied) ignites my appetite/binge urge. I'm finding that really difficult! One snack often leads to loads of snacks for me, probably because I'm actually really hungry from restricting so the pleasure from eating is magnified and therefore I just want MORE... and also I think getting to a higher number/suddenly realising the day is now going to be average puts me on a downer and makes me feel like "oh well I've already messed up"...
I really hope you are able to increase soon, you're *SO* close to your GW and your dedication has been absolutely insane.. you should let yourself have a break and enjoy food/life/summer/being with family for a bit! I think you just have to get used to the transition that you won't be losing anymore (which you've gotten used to), but that's fine because you definitely don't need to - you can maintain, and even if by chance you gained a little then so what? You know how quickly you can lose it again, you've shown that you're a pro at this
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chocolatemilk, on 08 Jun 2016 - 3:35 PM, said:
ah yeah that's annoying :s i dont think they'd eat all of what baked either but atleast some i guess, and either way its a lot less waste of money than buying an expensive single slice of something!! haha thank you and aw yes im excited to post them!! im hoping my food pics will be a lot more interesting over summer as aswell as cooking more i'll also be eating more so it wont be like a protein bar for a meal etc c':
thanks so much c: i love the photos too thats why i decided to post my own, like i figured if i was enjoying others then ppl might enjoy mine so itd be like giving back yknow haha
Thats so true, I didn't think about it that way ^.^ I cant wait! (Your protein bar pics look great but it's nice that you'll be eating more and with more variety too
)You're so cute! (And I mean that in the least creepiest way possible ahah)
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rogue robot, on 09 Jun 2016 - 12:58 AM, said:
Yeah I'm starting to really understand that breaking the plan thing. I'm usually fine on the days I keep intake low and don't think about snacking, but days when I'm a bit hungrier and have an extra snack (even if I'm still in my safe limit) can make the remainder of the day 10x harder! It's like having a bit more food (which should make me feel more satisfied) ignites my appetite/binge urge. I'm finding that really difficult! One snack often leads to loads of snacks for me, probably because I'm actually really hungry from restricting so the pleasure from eating is magnified and therefore I just want MORE... and also I think getting to a higher number/suddenly realising the day is now going to be average puts me on a downer and makes me feel like "oh well I've already messed up"...
I really hope you are able to increase soon, you're *SO* close to your GW and your dedication has been absolutely insane.. you should let yourself have a break and enjoy food/life/summer/being with family for a bit! I think you just have to get used to the transition that you won't be losing anymore (which you've gotten used to), but that's fine because you definitely don't need to - you can maintain, and even if by chance you gained a little then so what? You know how quickly you can lose it again, you've shown that you're a pro at this
yeah that is exactly what i mean!! it rlly rlly sucks tbh. and you're exactly right about probably actually being hungry, i think im the same that i often forget how hungry my body must actually be lmao. but yeah that is exactly the same with me
thanks!! im gnna have like a last huzzah of lax tonight and im crossing my fingers that next week could be the time i start increasing to maintenance cals eeeeep. yeah im hoping summer will be good n im gonna try work on stuff like my fear of unknown calories etc so that hopefully i can live life a bit c': thank you so much for your reassurance <3 although i rlly dont wanna gain anything in summer :s but i think i'll probably be fine as i'm getting my old job back which means 7+ hour shifts on my feet so my tdee will be higher on days i work anyway (nd last summer i worked 5 days a week usually) so that should counteract any days that i go over my limit n_n
thank you again!! you've been here right from the start n i really appreciate it so much <3
Mimi2u, on 09 Jun 2016 - 02:04 AM, said:
Thats so true, I didn't think about it that way ^.^ I cant wait! (Your protein bar pics look great but it's nice that you'll be eating more and with more variety too
You're so cute! (And I mean that in the least creepiest way possible ahah)
ahh thank you so much n_n <3
Skynny23, on 09 Jun 2016 - 04:39 AM, said:
love this thread
thank you!!
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Posted 09 June 2016 - 11:50 AM
9/6
weight: 96 / bmi: 16.8
breakfast:
35g bran flakes (126) 3tbsp choc pb2 (68) peppermint tea (0)
lunch / post-gym:
white chocolate raspberry quest bar (215) warmed in microwave
dinner:
75g spaghetti (267) 110g chicken (128) 3 light soft cheese triangles (75) lil oregano (1) fruit tea (0)
post-dinner:
2 nutter butter cookies (130) "extra sour" blue raspberry roller (82) 2 bags slimatee (2) ~ lmao the thing wasnt sour at all
total: 1094
crosstrainer (-420)
net total: 674
feel so satisfied n like ive eaten loads today but yolo my body is gnna have to be getting used to eating even more soon n_n
went back to the dr for my depo injection today n she started talking about my weightloss/bmi and i didn't deny that it was on purpose but i also said that i wasn't planning on losing any more. they have on record that ive lost 15kg/33lbs in 7 months n she recorded my bmi as 17 (had eaten n was clothed) she gave me the ED talk, basically said like EDs can start with only wanting to lose a bit but can be addictive, my bmi is low enough to be considered anorexic, my bmi is at the threshold of when ppl generally start getting health problems. but she was nice n it actually felt kinda validating to have a doctor talking about EDs to me yknow? and she basically said to try and gain over summer before my next depo in september when they'll weigh me again n see where im at, she kept saying 'let your mum feed you up' n stuff it was kinda cute haha idk. i agreed but obvs i dont rlly wanna gain, but yeah im planning on maintaining after i lose one more pound so im hoping in september if they see im practically the same weight n haven't lost more it'll be fine
but on the other hand i only started getting the depo bc i wanted my period to go away (it used to make me super ill) so i may aswell just stop getting it now?? bc i doubt it'll come back now im underweight right? idk why im even bothering with it haha
i feel like im on my final stretch?? aswell as 2 slimatee bags im gnna drink tonight im also gnna take some dulcolax (maybe like 5 or 6) so im hoping a last lax huzzah may just be enough to push me to 95 or atleast v close. who knows i could be starting increasing to maintenance next week!! feels so weird
feel good today. the dr didnt make me feel bad or worried like she was nice n i think if i maintain it should be fine as she seemed more concerned about the idea of me losing more than the weight im already at. also when she took my blood pressure she asked about my self harm scars and i said they were old n she asked if i'd had any help or counselling to stop n i said no n she said i was very strong
also i looove nutter butter cookies like i want more rn pls
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Posted 09 June 2016 - 01:16 PM
uzumaki, on 09 Jun 2016 - 1:04 PM, said:
once you hit your gw, you're gonna switch to maintaining? that is SO exciting. I can't wait to follow your progress while you get to up your calories and stuff !
yep!! definitely for summer as it'll be so much easier to eat maintenance whilst at home for a bunch of reasons (will be working, dont want parents to worry, spending time with family etc) n if i wanna lose more i may restart in september but im hoping that i'll feel good about maintaining tbh??
im not gnna suddenly increase my cals as im scared itll make me gain but i think im gnna increase my daily limit by around 150-200 a week until im at like 1500, so the increasing shouldnt take too long n_n
watch this space im gnna eat so much delicious stuff lmao
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Posted 09 June 2016 - 01:26 PM
I hate it when sour things aren't sour D:<
Yeah, honestly even without your shot I don't think you'd be having much of a menstrual cycle at your weight.
I'm glad talking to the nurse made you feel good, that's really wonderful
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Posted 09 June 2016 - 01:34 PM
RunningFree, on 09 Jun 2016 - 1:26 PM, said:
I hate it when sour things aren't sour D:<
Yeah, honestly even without your shot I don't think you'd be having much of a menstrual cycle at your weight.
I'm glad talking to the nurse made you feel good, that's really wonderful
yeah it was funny how it was labelled "extra sour" n literally had no hint of sour at all u_u but was still tasty
ahh you think? i honestly dont know much about it but yeah i was thinking that when i was walking back from the drs today haha i didnt even consider the fact i mightve lost my period now if i hadnt lost it from depo anyway. thank you, idk why i felt good like anyone else would be scared n stuff i think?? but it just felt so validating and like i was being taken seriously yknow
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Posted 09 June 2016 - 01:45 PM
chocolatemilk, on 09 Jun 2016 - 1:34 PM, said:
yeah it was funny how it was labelled "extra sour" n literally had no hint of sour at all u_u but was still tasty
ahh you think? i honestly dont know much about it but yeah i was thinking that when i was walking back from the drs today haha i didnt even consider the fact i mightve lost my period now if i hadnt lost it from depo anyway. thank you, idk why i felt good like anyone else would be scared n stuff i think?? but it just felt so validating and like i was being taken seriously yknow
Well, I'm glad it's still tasty
Yeah, I definitely think you could be at that point. Sometimes it happens as high as nineteen. Of course, I can't know for sure, but I think you could be there.
Validating doctors are the best
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Posted 09 June 2016 - 01:46 PM
RunningFree, on 09 Jun 2016 - 1:45 PM, said:
Well, I'm glad it's still tasty
Yeah, I definitely think you could be at that point. Sometimes it happens as high as nineteen. Of course, I can't know for sure, but I think you could be there.
Validating doctors are the best
thanks for that! i might consider just stopping my depo then tbh haha
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Posted 09 June 2016 - 09:05 PM
I just reached my UGW and now im trying to maintain and increase my intake slowly! im looking forward to see how u do it too! (sorry for my english im still learning ;
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abbylil, on 09 Jun 2016 - 7:30 PM, said:
She sounds like a great nurse! And she's right, you are strong
aw thanks so much c: and congrats!! that rlly is something to be proud of, and from my experience this last 6 months has been a breeze and i haven't thought about it much, so i think the first 6 months is the hard part so should be easy to keep it up now n_n
omg thank you ive done it!! (spoiler alert im gnna post about it after these replies but omg) the lax rlly worked so im actually a pound under my goal what the heck haha its so weird
puchuus, on 09 Jun 2016 - 9:05 PM, said:
I love ur accountability and ur food pics! they are always so pretty!
I just reached my UGW and now im trying to maintain and increase my intake slowly! im looking forward to see how u do it too! (sorry for my english im still learning ;
thank u so much!!
oh wow congrats!! that's awesome, it's good to see that other ppl are doing the same thing bc i was worried about being like the only person maintaining on this site haha c': i'll definitely check out your accountability as would be awesome to follow some ppl doing the same
and your english is great dont worry
Blunder_Road, on 09 Jun 2016 - 9:14 PM, said:
I legit cannot wait for you to start maintenance. SO MUCH GOOD FOOD
spoiler alert (although im about to post about it) i hit my goal!! so increasing to maintenance is gnna begin (tomorrow as i didnt plan to eat more today) and yes i will provide hella food porn i think. next week or the week after i wanna try the new nutella krispy kreme doughnut
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Posted 10 June 2016 - 02:44 AM
okay so i know i usually prefer to stick to one long daily update but you guys ive done it!! i hit my UGW!!
i just rlly wanted to thank you all for supporting me through this, i dont usually go all cheesy n soft but idk if id have been able to do it without this accountability and the continued support of u guys <3 <3 <3
the lax rlly worked better than it has for a long time so i actually lost 2lbs of food (and 0.4 bmi omg) so im actually a pound under my gw holy crap hahaha. i was always planning on giving a few days before the first calorie increase to check its real but i think bc im a pound lower then that feels pretty safe so im gnna go ahead n increase my limit tomorrow, bc i didnt rlly plan on it today so im gnna stick to 800 limit today (will defo break that 700 wall though n go near to 800)!! but the lax omg. my tummy is the flattest ive ever seen it like it finally cleared me out lmao, i knew i had some food weight in there
will talk more about maintenance plans etc etc in my main update but just wanted to let u know!!! and thank you guys for helping me do this!! it doesnt feel real honestly
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Posted 10 June 2016 - 02:46 AM
Quote
spoiler alert (although im about to post about it) i hit my goal!! so increasing to maintenance is gnna begin (tomorrow as i didnt plan to eat more today)
YOOOOOOOO
Congrats dude. You have worked so hard--you deserve your summer of good food
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Posted 10 June 2016 - 02:46 AM
chocolatemilk, on 10 Jun 2016 - 02:44 AM, said:
okay so i know i usually prefer to stick to one long daily update but you guys ive done it!! i hit my UGW!!
i just rlly wanted to thank you all for supporting me through this, i dont usually go all cheesy n soft but idk if id have been able to do it without this accountability and the continued support of u guys <3 <3 <3
the lax rlly worked better than it has for a long time so i actually lost 2lbs of food so im actually a pound under my gw holy crap hahaha. i was always planning on giving a few days before the first calorie increase to check its real but i think bc im a pound lower then that feels pretty safe so im gnna go ahead n increase my limit tomorrow, bc i didnt rlly plan on it today so im gnna stick to 800 limit today (will defo break that 700 wall though n go near to 800)!! but the lax omg. my tummy is the flattest ive ever seen it like it finally cleared me out lmao, i knew i had some food weight in there
will talk more about maintenance plans etc etc in my main update but just wanted to let u know!!! and thank you guys for helping me do this!!
EEEEEEEE CONGRATULATIONS
So so so so proud of you
You deserve to go on to maintain, I'm sure you'll be great at it.
AAAAAAAAH SO EXCITED
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Posted 10 June 2016 - 02:54 AM
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(im out of likes but will defo make an effort to come back n like these posts later haha)
Blunder_Road, on 10 Jun 2016 - 02:46 AM, said:
YOOOOOOOO
Congrats dude. You have worked so hard--you deserve your summer of good food
thank u so much!! yessss like this thread is probs gnna turn into a food porn thread ngl like i wanna spend all my calories on delicious things
RunningFree, on 10 Jun 2016 - 02:46 AM, said:
EEEEEEEE CONGRATULATIONS
So so so so proud of you
You deserve to go on to maintain, I'm sure you'll be great at it.
AAAAAAAAH SO EXCITED
thank you so so much!! im excited too meep
Starduss, on 10 Jun 2016 - 02:54 AM, said:
Yes!!!!l!!!!!!!!!! Today is the day. You did it!!! You have to do official before and after slides. This thread needs to be archived. You seriously could not have done it any better than you brilliantly did. I'm happy for you. You also did it before you went home like you wanted too. I have to go back and read the first page now that the mission is complete.
aah thank you!! i definitely will do some official final before/after check in pics!! thank u so much, it took a lil longer than i initially predicted in the beginning but i have been to spain in this time too which i didnt account for, so overall im happy!! i knooow im so relieved that i can increase my cals a bit before i go home
ive just updated my intro post actually!! but yeah reading some of the first posts is kinda like aww like i just wanna comfort my past self n tell myself that i do get there haha
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Posted 17 July 2016 - 01:28 PM
17/7
weight: 95.2 (+0.8) / bmi: 16.7
no breakfast
lunch:
2 crumpets (196) 10g peanut butter (60) 12g maltesers spread (65) tiny bit walden farms syrup (1) lax tea (1) peppermint tea (0)
snacks:
pb love cornetto (197) yoghurt coated popcorn (95)
dinner:
hotdog bun (142) 2 veggie hot dogs (133) 15g onion chutney (33) 8g cheese (33) 300ml sugar free limeade (4)
post-dinner:
raspberry zinger (140) haribo super mix (55) 38g thorntons chocolates (193) ~ chocolates were orange crisp, strawberry dream n raspberry caramel
total: 1348
so yeah as i wrote i had a lil b/p slip up last night. woke up feeling lame af about myself, weighed n saw i gained n went back to bed n told my sister to tell my parents that i wasn't coming out for shopping/lunch. at this point i was basically planning on eating as little as possible today. my mum came upstairs n started asking why i didnt wanna come n i started crying lmao!! she kept guessing things that were wrong n i didnt reply until she went back downstairs n she sent me a facebook message n i told her on facebook about why i was upset (the bp). she said nice things etc n then they went out and i actually felt so left out like i wanted to go out with them so badly, i really really did but my lame ed thoughts were too harsh n i basically felt too worthless to try fight them and felt i deserved to be sad as punishment
then the day started to pick up n i guess i kinda got over it?? i wanted crumpets n i figured depriving myself of them would help literally nothing bc i always preach that you shouldnt overcompensate for a binge bc it can lead to cycles of restrict/binge and i just wanted to feel in control so yeah i chose to have crumpets. it was like 2pm so i was actually pretty hungry anyway n i felt a bit bingey still so trying to not eat couldve ended in disaster anyway
i took 2 dulcolax last night n had lax tea before my crumpets today n i had 2 good BMs which is basically what made me decide to have a regular intake today rather than restrict. bc i think i definitely pooped atleast 0.2lbs worth? so im probably fine n then i felt alright n was able to eat although my macros etc went outta the window today even more than usual bc these unhealthy foods genuinely felt safer/easier for me lmao, plus i was scared if i didnt have the tastes i craved then i may end up binging again
overall today has gone better than i expected n im rlly glad i didnt give in to ED thoughts telling me i needed punishment n to eat less today. like i think i won against those thoughts n i feel in control so im hoping that last night was a one-off occasion
my dad n sister are going to spain tomorrow, like one of the reasons they wanted to go for lunch was bc its the last day all of us are together until the 6th of august bc next week my mum goes to spain n i'll be alone, then the week after that my dad will come back so it'll just be me n my dad. thats also partly why i felt so left out n sad like i shouldve been able to eat lunch with them today. but oh well!!
thank u for all ur kind words <3 i felt so bad last night/this morning but having such awesome support rlly does help
#1462
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Posted 17 July 2016 - 10:12 PM
YOU ARE AWSOME!!! You are so awsome, strong and just a totally cool person!
Sorry for the bad feelings, but you came back so strong! Believe in yourself, you just proven to yourself, that this slip-up was just a little one, and that you CAN make things good again! Be proud of yourself. Also even if you slip-up and do again and again - there's absolutely no shame it that!
Also, you seem to have such a nice mom <3
And I know the feeling of family gatherings. Family means everything, but don't beat yourself up - ED's can control you so much, even though you don't want it too.. you somtimes just can't control it, and then you should just listen to that, instead of beating yourself up. It's not your fault. But I do get you!
I'm sure your family won't be mad and there is ALWAYS time, to make up for it again, maybe in september you can invite all of them to a lunch gathering? You, your mom and dad and your sister. Don't let this control what you do in the future, you might even feel much better about it then?
Hugs too you, and once again, I AM so proud of you, for fighting so hard and so strong.
(YOU DON'T NEED TO REPLY ON THIS BTW, I KNOW YOU ARE BUSY WITH MANY OTHER THINGS, AND I JUST WANTED TO POINT THIS OUT, SO YOU KEEP ON KNOWING HOW MUCH WE WANT TO SUPPORT YOU AND HOW MUCH WE CARE. SO JUST KEEP ON DOING THE GOOD WORK.)
Oh and btw. OMG THAT FOOD.... I ALMOST DIED!! I WANT THAT WTF?!?! *Drool*
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#1463
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Posted 18 July 2016 - 09:30 AM
MillyMilly, on 17 Jul 2016 - 10:12 PM, said:
YOU ARE AWSOME!!! You are so awsome, strong and just a totally cool person!
Sorry for the bad feelings, but you came back so strong! Believe in yourself, you just proven to yourself, that this slip-up was just a little one, and that you CAN make things good again! Be proud of yourself. Also even if you slip-up and do again and again - there's absolutely no shame it that!
Also, you seem to have such a nice mom <3
And I know the feeling of family gatherings. Family means everything, but don't beat yourself up - ED's can control you so much, even though you don't want it too.. you somtimes just can't control it, and then you should just listen to that, instead of beating yourself up. It's not your fault. But I do get you!
I'm sure your family won't be mad and there is ALWAYS time, to make up for it again, maybe in september you can invite all of them to a lunch gathering? You, your mom and dad and your sister. Don't let this control what you do in the future, you might even feel much better about it then?
Hugs too you, and once again, I AM so proud of you, for fighting so hard and so strong.
(YOU DON'T NEED TO REPLY ON THIS BTW, I KNOW YOU ARE BUSY WITH MANY OTHER THINGS, AND I JUST WANTED TO POINT THIS OUT, SO YOU KEEP ON KNOWING HOW MUCH WE WANT TO SUPPORT YOU AND HOW MUCH WE CARE. SO JUST KEEP ON DOING THE GOOD WORK.)
Oh and btw. OMG THAT FOOD.... I ALMOST DIED!! I WANT THAT WTF?!?! *Drool*
ahh milly thank u so much!! <3
yeah you're totally right that i have a super nice mum, whilst they were out she bought me a face mask n suggested i take a nice bath n use the mask to relax n it was just so thoughtful n amazing, n my family weren't mad at me for not coming. it's cool there will be plenty of other times for us to eat out together!!
thanks for all of your words u are such a kind n wonderful person, i appreciate it so much <3333
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Posted 18 July 2016 - 11:49 AM
where are you uploading pictures?
crumpets look sexy and im planning to eat a hamburger bun or a hot dog bun soon too , tomorrow probably !!
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Posted 18 July 2016 - 02:50 PM
fancy, on 18 Jul 2016 - 11:49 AM, said:
where are you uploading pictures?
crumpets look sexy and im planning to eat a hamburger bun or a hot dog bun soon too , tomorrow probably !!
i use imgur
ahh thats rad i hope u enjoy!!
#1466
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Posted 18 July 2016 - 03:27 PM
18/7
weight: 94.4 (-0.8) / bmi: 16.5
breakfast:
55g oats (207) 200ml almond milk (28) 69g blueberries (30) white choc flavdrops (0) 43g quark (29) peppermint tea (0)
lunch:
goats cheese n red onion tart (280) 2 cheese oat biscuits (107) 81g cucumber (11)
snack:
peanut delight nakd bar (149) new favourite flavour holy crap
dinner:
quesadillas!! 2 weightwatchers tortillas (214) 135g soya mince (122) 6g taco seasoning (17) 41g onion (16) 27g cheese (112) frylight (6) 33g lettuce (7) tbsp salsa (6) 500ml sugar free cherryade (4) (total minus drink = 500)
post-dinner:
121g strawberries (36) milkybar mousse (85) walden farms chocolate syrup (5) ~ featuring my new side plate!! i finally got the heart side plate n smaller bowl!!
total: 1471
was so happy to see my weight is back down to its norm
on wednesday my grandma is gnna take me out for lunch!! we always go to this cafe in a garden centre n i would always get like a panini n then a cake/dessert too. they sell like typical english cafe food i guess, obviously unknown cals though. im glad i already know bc i much prefer knowing in advance n i think it's gnna actually be fine n_n idk what i'll get, i love paninis n i love their desserts (think like homemade brownies, cake, these amazing maltesers slices unf) but like that would be excessive? but then again i probably won't have breakfast as she's picking me up at 11:30 n that's often around my breakfast time bc i get up late, n then im working that night so can easily just not have a proper dinner. so i might fuck it n also get cake?? but i might not. i also might just get a scone bc ive been wanting scones for a while lol. we'll see but yeah im feeling okay about it n i think it will be rlly nice actually
today's food was rad as always. i also went food shopping with my mum (my sister n dad are in spain now) n i usually go with my dad but i much prefer going with my mum as she lets me get whatever i want n is more open to different stuff whilst my dad is a creature of habit n wants to get the same stuff all the time n can sometimes make lame comments at what i wanna get. so that was awesome
tomorrow i have an order arriving of protein bars/flapjacks bc i figured theyd be good to take to work n theyre ones ive never tried so im excited to try them, n also 3 (three!!) fancy peanut butters which im so excited to try. im also getting a graze box tomorrow yay food 
#1467
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Posted 18 July 2016 - 04:26 PM
in really glad you're feeling better though and that you didn't give in to another binge!! You really rock!!#1468
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Posted 18 July 2016 - 04:42 PM
hello wizard of porridge i love to stalk your accountability, so much food porn ps: that's my 1,000 post on mpa #yolo
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Posted 18 July 2016 - 04:44 PM
chocolatemilk, on 18 Jul 2016 - 3:27 PM, said:
18/7
weight: 94.4 (-0.8) / bmi: 16.5
breakfast:
55g oats (207) 200ml almond milk (28) 69g blueberries (30) white choc flavdrops (0) 43g quark (29) peppermint tea (0)
lunch:
goats cheese n red onion tart (280) 2 cheese oat biscuits (107) 81g cucumber (11)
snack:
peanut delight nakd bar (149) new favourite flavour holy crap
dinner:
quesadillas!! 2 weightwatchers tortillas (214) 135g soya mince (122) 6g taco seasoning (17) 41g onion (16) 27g cheese (112) frylight (6) 33g lettuce (7) tbsp salsa (6) 500ml sugar free cherryade (4) (total minus drink = 500)
post-dinner:
121g strawberries (36) milkybar mousse (85) walden farms chocolate syrup (5) ~ featuring my new side plate!! i finally got the heart side plate n smaller bowl!!
total: 1471
was so happy to see my weight is back down to its norm
on wednesday my grandma is gnna take me out for lunch!! we always go to this cafe in a garden centre n i would always get like a panini n then a cake/dessert too. they sell like typical english cafe food i guess, obviously unknown cals though. im glad i already know bc i much prefer knowing in advance n i think it's gnna actually be fine n_n idk what i'll get, i love paninis n i love their desserts (think like homemade brownies, cake, these amazing maltesers slices unf) but like that would be excessive? but then again i probably won't have breakfast as she's picking me up at 11:30 n that's often around my breakfast time bc i get up late, n then im working that night so can easily just not have a proper dinner. so i might fuck it n also get cake?? but i might not. i also might just get a scone bc ive been wanting scones for a while lol. we'll see but yeah im feeling okay about it n i think it will be rlly nice actually
today's food was rad as always. i also went food shopping with my mum (my sister n dad are in spain now) n i usually go with my dad but i much prefer going with my mum as she lets me get whatever i want n is more open to different stuff whilst my dad is a creature of habit n wants to get the same stuff all the time n can sometimes make lame comments at what i wanna get. so that was awesome
tomorrow i have an order arriving of protein bars/flapjacks bc i figured theyd be good to take to work n theyre ones ive never tried so im excited to try them, n also 3 (three!!) fancy peanut butters which im so excited to try. im also getting a graze box tomorrow yay food
Your food today looked so yummy. I'm so jealous!
I've never tried nakd bars but they look so good... I honestly am just amazed that you can keep bulk amounts of food around you and not binge on it. That's my ultimate goal: to have "treat" foods around and eat them normally instead of eating them all at once. That's why I love your thread because it's ultimately how I want to eat
Have fun at lunch with your grandma! That place sounds delicious
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Posted 18 July 2016 - 05:12 PM
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Posted 19 July 2016 - 02:36 AM
chocolatemilk, on 18 Jul 2016 - 2:50 PM, said:
i use imgur
ahh thats rad i hope u enjoy!!
do u post it from a phone?
when i post pics the are all different sizes ....
oh and your food looks so good again, especially the blueberries on the oats...and the tortillas and cucumbers oooooooh everything so fresh and nice
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Posted 19 July 2016 - 02:48 AM
Capella, on 18 Jul 2016 - 4:26 PM, said:
You're so amazing ! Honestly one binge day when you've come so far is like nothing, you did so well at maintaining and you still are! One hinge won't set you back
thank u so much!! <3
Elfexitium, on 18 Jul 2016 - 4:42 PM, said:
hello wizard of porridge i love to stalk your accountability, so much food porn ps: that's my 1,000 post on mpa #yolo
ahahaha thank u for stalking!! omg wow i feel so honoured, happy 1000th post!! <3
vegancoconut, on 18 Jul 2016 - 4:44 PM, said:
Your food today looked so yummy. I'm so jealous!
I've never tried nakd bars but they look so good... I honestly am just amazed that you can keep bulk amounts of food around you and not binge on it. That's my ultimate goal: to have "treat" foods around and eat them normally instead of eating them all at once. That's why I love your thread because it's ultimately how I want to eat
Have fun at lunch with your grandma! That place sounds delicious
thank u, it was tbh!!
nakd bars are rlly nice actually like they're 100% natural stuff cold pressed together but somehow end up tasting rlly good. ah good luck, im sorry that you struggle with binging u_u i find for me personally (although i know everybody is different) that these days i only tend to binge if i feel out of control so if i *choose* to eat the unhealthy snack things i still feel in control, rather than them being 'forbidden' yknow?
thank you!! <3
lee062, on 18 Jul 2016 - 5:12 PM, said:
All your food looks amazing as always! And I'm glad you're back to your pre binge weight even though the whole thing must've been so upsetting xx
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
thank youuuuu!!
fancy, on 19 Jul 2016 - 02:36 AM, said:
do u post it from a phone?
when i post pics the are all different sizes ....
oh and your food looks so good again, especially the blueberries on the oats...and the tortillas and cucumbers oooooooh everything so fresh and nice
no i actually tend to post from web and i resize the photos to the same width on photoshop before i post, but if posting on phone the tapatalk app is rlly good n i found when i used that the photos came out fine
& thank you n_n
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Posted 19 July 2016 - 06:38 AM
I hope you dont mind when i will be posting in the same format on my accountability ?<3
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Posted 19 July 2016 - 10:02 AM
Mockingbird9, on 19 Jul 2016 - 06:34 AM, said:
Just wanted to say that your progress is amazing:)
Good luck xo
thank you so much <3
fancy, on 19 Jul 2016 - 06:38 AM, said:
I hope you dont mind when i will be posting in the same format on my accountability ?<3
oh not at all, that's completely fine!!
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Posted 19 July 2016 - 12:11 PM
I fucking love your thread so much <3
The food is just *o* but you are even more amazing <333
So happy to see maintaining is going well, you're back in a good mental place after your binge, and you're also working on the unknown calories fear! So much to be proud of, you're a rockstar <3
#1477
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Posted 19 July 2016 - 12:53 PM
andshewas, on 19 Jul 2016 - 12:11 PM, said:
I fucking love your thread so much <3
The food is just *o* but you are even more amazing <333
So happy to see maintaining is going well, you're back in a good mental place after your binge, and you're also working on the unknown calories fear! So much to be proud of, you're a rockstar <3
aw wow thank you so much!! <3
your food looks incredible too *~*
thank you aah i appreciate it so much!! <333
#1478
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Posted 19 July 2016 - 01:06 PM
19/7
no weigh in
breakfast:
4 raisin, cranberry n choc chip "breakfast bakes" (304) ~ this is my new side plate haha they weren't that big
lunch:
mushroom, puy lentil n butterbean burger (200) 129g sweet potato (126) 38g lettuce (8) 300ml sugar free cherryade (2)
snack:
single serve ben n jerrys tub (178)
dinner:
198g gnocchi (229) 2 veggie hot dogs (133) half tin tomatoes (28) ~ i used the full tin of tomatoes but eugh they were gross lmao i just ate the gnocchi n hot dog pieces out of it n left the sauce/tomatoes but still counted for half for the sauce that was on what i ate
post-dinner:
45g chocolate salted caramel bakin' butter (257) 133g strawbs (40) ~ the bakin' butter is fancy peanut butter that u can either use as you would normal spread or else bake it into cookies!! it was rlly nice
total: 1505
i didnt intentionally go over 1500, i was looking at the cals i had left on mfp n it completely slipped my mind that they'd taken off some cals for my steps as i went on a teeny dog walk. i dont feel bad about it
as i wrote about before im going out for lunch with my grandma tomorrow so unknown calories are happening!! still feeling fine about it tbh, i wont have breakfast before i go n then in the evening im working so can just take a snack. so i'm thinking i'll basically get whatever i want at lunch (its a cafe so they're not huge meals just paninis, sandwiches, cakes etc nothing will be over my limit im sure) n then estimate the calories afterwards n take something to work for however many calories i have leftover. hopefully it'll all go smoothly with minimal panic lol
not much else to say rlly, its been boiling here hence the ice cream a heads up for UK ppl that tesco currently has on offer a 4-pack of single serve ben n jerrys tubs!! i know single serve things can often be easier to control. i was gnna get a full size tub of phish food but i always get phish food so the reason i got the lil tubs was for a bit of variety, ive never tried the strawberry cheesecake flavour before today n its rad af i loved it
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Posted 19 July 2016 - 01:56 PM
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Posted 30 August 2016 - 06:33 AM
chocolatemilk, on 29 Aug 2016 - 1:47 PM, said:
n we have a george foreman grill so i shoved it in that
Ahh cool I'm looking to buy one, is it just like the regular one that's meant for chicken fillets or whatever? Or is there a special one for paninis?
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Posted 30 August 2016 - 08:27 AM
rogue robot, on 30 Aug 2016 - 06:33 AM, said:
Ahh cool I'm looking to buy one, is it just like the regular one that's meant for chicken fillets or whatever? Or is there a special one for paninis?
I think it's just the standard one
it's super versatile you can pretty much put anything in it!!Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
#1863
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Posted 30 August 2016 - 08:40 AM
I'm sorry about your mom :/ you know your weight has been pretty much stable, so try to focus on that. If anything, it may be that your body is getting more nutrients at this intake, so you look """healthier""" (skin looks brighter, etc) and that's what's she's picking up on?
#1864
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Posted 30 August 2016 - 04:08 PM
Blunder_Road, on 30 Aug 2016 - 08:40 AM, said:
THAT PIE THO
I'm sorry about your mom :/ you know your weight has been pretty much stable, so try to focus on that. If anything, it may be that your body is getting more nutrients at this intake, so you look """healthier""" (skin looks brighter, etc) and that's what's she's picking up on?
the pie is so good <3333
it's okay!! yeah idk it could be a number of things, logically i think if ive gained it wouldnt be more than like a pound which shouldnt be noticeable to other ppl? so hopefully its just something else, i think the most likely is seeing me in a high waist bikini with visible food baby like i do genuinely look bigger when bloated (which is most of the time lol)
thank u for reassurance
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Posted 30 August 2016 - 04:42 PM
30/8
no weigh in
breakfast:
231g (frozen) banana (202) 50ml almond milk (7) 16g chocolate protein powder (63) 5g cocoa powder (21) piece of high protein chocolate (46) 15g white chocolate peanut butter (84) peppermint tea (0) coffee (6) this was meant to be nice cream but the lid got stuck on the nutribullet n by the time i found someone who could get it off it had melted a bit so was more like a milkshake
lunch part one:
tortilla (107) 52g soya mince (47) 40g chickpeas (51) 5g taco seasoning (15) 22g cheese (92) tbsp salsa (6) 35g salad (8)
lunch part two:
apple n blackberry pie (269) 44g greek yoghurt (25) vanilla flavdrops (0)
pre-work snack:
char siu chicken (154) as u can see it needed eating haha
work snacks:
beef space raiders (99) maltesers bar (186)
post-work snack:
mini white twix (101)
total: 1589
i rlly fancied a lil snack after work n these white twixs arrived today which ive been wanting to try for ages so i decided to just have one n shave the excess calories off another day, maybe friday as thats my next day off, or maybe next time i go to the gym, idk im not worried i enjoyed the twix so much like it was exactly what i craved n wanted n it surpassed my already high expectations *~* so no regrets!!
feel generally positive but also feel like i ate loads today i think bc i ate more times in the day than i do on average but yolo i wanted lunch dessert so i had lunch dessert
not much else to say, working 12-5 tomorrow so back to normal meal routine, thinking im gnna give proats a second chance for breakfast as i got sent a sample of a delicious sounding protein flavour
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Posted 30 August 2016 - 05:01 PM
ribcages., on 30 Aug 2016 - 4:58 PM, said:
I hate bananas and peanut butter, but your breakfast looks so yummy and I really want to try it, omg o.O
omg how they are two of my fav things *~*
u should try it maybe it would convert you!!
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Posted 31 August 2016 - 12:34 AM
chocolatemilk, on 30 Aug 2016 - 4:42 PM, said:
30/8
no weigh in
breakfast:
231g (frozen) banana (202) 50ml almond milk (7) 16g chocolate protein powder (63) 5g cocoa powder (21) piece of high protein chocolate (46) 15g white chocolate peanut butter (84) peppermint tea (0) coffee (6) this was meant to be nice cream but the lid got stuck on the nutribullet n by the time i found someone who could get it off it had melted a bit so was more like a milkshake
looks really good though
is that the MyProtein chocolate?
5'9"cw 153.8lbs 130bsgw2 125lbs gw3 120lbs gw4 115lbs 
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Posted 31 August 2016 - 10:31 AM
They sell the mini twix in home bargains I think like a bag of 24 for £1.59.... so good
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Posted 31 August 2016 - 12:51 PM
poisongirl78, on 31 Aug 2016 - 12:34 AM, said:
chocolatemilk, on 30 Aug 2016 - 4:42 PM, said:
30/8
no weigh in
breakfast:
231g (frozen) banana (202) 50ml almond milk (7) 16g chocolate protein powder (63) 5g cocoa powder (21) piece of high protein chocolate (46) 15g white chocolate peanut butter (84) peppermint tea (0) coffee (6) this was meant to be nice cream but the lid got stuck on the nutribullet n by the time i found someone who could get it off it had melted a bit so was more like a milkshake
looks really good though
is that the MyProtein chocolate?
yeah it's cocoa+ which myprotein have started selling now, i bought it directly from cocoa+ though n thanks it was good!!
Skynny23, on 31 Aug 2016 - 10:31 AM, said:
They sell the mini twix in home bargains I think like a bag of 24 for £1.59.... so good
yeah ive heard of ppl finding them in home bargains but i havent yet!! although i havent been since coming home so maybe our local one here will *~* im gnna have to go have a look soon
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Posted 31 August 2016 - 01:44 PM
31/8
no weigh in
breakfast:
42g oats (158) 200ml almond milk (28) 25g millionaires shortcake whey protein (100) 17g choc salted caramel bakin butter (97) mini baby ruth (53) peppermint tea (0) coffee (6)
lunch/work snacks:
beef space raiders (99) cherry bakewell protein flapjack (301)
inbetween: more coffee (6)
dinner:
mushroom risotto bake (237) 100g oven fries (184) 135g mushrooms (22) light mayo (11)
post-dinner:
peanut lion bar (197)
total: 1498
+ 30ish mins cycling
just seen this n have to share
idk its just so true i dont rlly have anything add bc i think its summed up pretty perfectly right there. this shit took over my whole first yr of university/first moving out n thats an experience im never gnna get back lol
i think im quite lucky that all the way through this lapse thing since november ive still been aware that ED is the enemy but i think a lot of ppl on this site think of ED as their friend? idk its weird actually like i would be genuinely devastated if i gained the weight back but then like thats the nature of the disorder n without the disorder then it wouldnt be a big deal?? it rlly sucks tbh even when i feel in control im actually not?
but yeah deep thoughts over, today was average n nothing much to report. havent had oven chips in a while n was planning on couscous but then i was putting my sisters chips in the oven n my bodyyyy was tellin me yessss (i hope that reference came through in my typing) so i weighed out some for me too n no regrets they were tasty af i'll probably have them again soon
im so not ready for it to be september u_u
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Posted 31 August 2016 - 01:57 PM
If I've got that wrong then pretend I didn't say that!
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Posted 31 August 2016 - 02:14 PM
Is that Margaret Cho? I love her so much! I wasn't aware she'd suffered from an ED.
That basa fillet you had a few days ago looks rly good btw, I have been dreaming about it. You make me want to try making oven chips. I've got a sweet potato in the fridge, so I might try it at some point this week. I just really suck at cutting potatoes.
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Posted 01 September 2016 - 12:23 PM
what that woman said you posted is so true.
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Posted 01 September 2016 - 03:49 PM
rogue robot, on 31 Aug 2016 - 1:57 PM, said:
Return of the mac?
If I've got that wrong then pretend I didn't say that!
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i was going for r kelly!! but i probably didnt do it justice c':
jeongsin, on 31 Aug 2016 - 2:14 PM, said:
Is that Margaret Cho? I love her so much! I wasn't aware she'd suffered from an ED.
That basa fillet you had a few days ago looks rly good btw, I have been dreaming about it. You make me want to try making oven chips. I've got a sweet potato in the fridge, so I might try it at some point this week. I just really suck at cutting potatoes.
yeah it is, tbh idk who she is though i just saw the pic n liked it
ahh it is rlly good, it was just from the tesco frozen section u should totally try it, sweet potatoes are a bitch to cut yeah but imo its worth it!!
Cassoila, on 01 Sept 2016 - 04:38 AM, said:
"Well i don't wanna hurt nobody but there is something that iiiii must confessssssSSsS"
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yesss u got it!!
αrтιғιcιαlѕweeтeɴerѕ, on 01 Sept 2016 - 12:23 PM, said:
what that woman said you posted is so true.
i know right, i just had to share it
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Posted 01 September 2016 - 04:16 PM
1/9 omg ew september
no proper weigh in
now playing: nervous / allusondrugs
breakfast:
75g reeses puffs (310) 125ml almond milk (18) peppermint tea (0) coffee (6)
lunch:
chicken n bacon toastie (418) smoothie (105)
snack:
fibre one brownie (87) now i have a working microwave i finally tried one warmed up n omg *~*
snack 2:
choc caramel chunk protein cookie (315) coffee (6)
work snack:
graze "salted fudge n peanut cookie" punnet (229)
post-work: slimatee (1)
just realised that everything i ate today was brown/beige
total: 1494
confession that i hopped on my parents' bathroom scale this morning n i have done this other times without reporting weigh in lol, i prefer to go by the same scale n my scales are better but sometimes i look at theirs as like a heads up n its set to kg so i dont know the exact number bc cba calculating it mentally so it just gives me a general idea, but yeah this morning if i remember correctly i was 43.7 which is a lame number i like being under 43, just googled n 43.7 is 96.3 pounds eugh. i feel like ive gained real weight bc at the start of summer i was consistently <95 even with some food weight but now like im always over, n i feel bigger. this is so dumb bc ive always been so desperate to be double digits n now that just doesnt feel enough but then if i lose more weight itll be worse bc then like 94 will feel Too Big/not enough yknow?? so i dont wanna lose more than my original goal of 95 but at the same time i do n its like a constant mental battle?? but i feel like the fact im maintaining is me winning the battle bc i know the ED part of me isnt the real me??
today my mum wasnt busy at work so she took me out to look for some stuff for my uni room n i feel like my blood pressure was particularly low bc i started feeling totally shitty like i was gnna pass out n i was like sweating n shaking a lot which was weird af so if anyone has any tips id appreciate it, i know about the drinking more fluids thing n think ive been a lot better at drinking this summer so i dont think its that
tomorrow i'll probably go with my parents/grandma for unknown calorie friday lunch at the usual cafe but i dont rlly want to :/ i need to go to the bank though n my dad goes on fridays before lunch n im a loser who cant drive so its easier to go when he goes. so yeah i'll probably go. we dont have much food in anyway tbh but i cant think of anything i want from the cafe
positive notessss im not working the next three days yay n then high season @ my work is over bc kids go back to school so i'll probably have less shifts generally from now on which im cool with bc ive earnt a decent amount this summer n i need to do my damn summer project for uni n also work actually tempts me more foodwise than home even though i have so much good food hoarded at home. its just too easy to grab a curly fry outta the thing at work n its a struggle lmao
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Posted 02 September 2016 - 01:25 AM
your
chocolatemilk, on 01 Sept 2016 - 4:16 PM, said:
1/9 omg ew september
no proper weigh in
now playing: nervous / allusondrugs
breakfast:
75g reeses puffs (310) 125ml almond milk (18) peppermint tea (0) coffee (6)
lunch:
chicken n bacon toastie (418) smoothie (105)
snack:
fibre one brownie (87) now i have a working microwave i finally tried one warmed up n omg *~*
snack 2:
choc caramel chunk protein cookie (315) coffee (6)
work snack:
graze "salted fudge n peanut cookie" punnet (229)
post-work: slimatee (1)
just realised that everything i ate today was brown/beige
total: 1494
confession that i hopped on my parents' bathroom scale this morning n i have done this other times without reporting weigh in lol, i prefer to go by the same scale n my scales are better but sometimes i look at theirs as like a heads up n its set to kg so i dont know the exact number bc cba calculating it mentally so it just gives me a general idea, but yeah this morning if i remember correctly i was 43.7 which is a lame number i like being under 43, just googled n 43.7 is 96.3 pounds eugh. i feel like ive gained real weight bc at the start of summer i was consistently <95 even with some food weight but now like im always over, n i feel bigger. this is so dumb bc ive always been so desperate to be double digits n now that just doesnt feel enough but then if i lose more weight itll be worse bc then like 94 will feel Too Big/not enough yknow?? so i dont wanna lose more than my original goal of 95 but at the same time i do n its like a constant mental battle?? but i feel like the fact im maintaining is me winning the battle bc i know the ED part of me isnt the real me??
today my mum wasnt busy at work so she took me out to look for some stuff for my uni room n i feel like my blood pressure was particularly low bc i started feeling totally shitty like i was gnna pass out n i was like sweating n shaking a lot which was weird af so if anyone has any tips id appreciate it, i know about the drinking more fluids thing n think ive been a lot better at drinking this summer so i dont think its that
tomorrow i'll probably go with my parents/grandma for unknown calorie friday lunch at the usual cafe but i dont rlly want to :/ i need to go to the bank though n my dad goes on fridays before lunch n im a loser who cant drive so its easier to go when he goes. so yeah i'll probably go. we dont have much food in anyway tbh but i cant think of anything i want from the cafe
positive notessss im not working the next three days yay n then high season @ my work is over bc kids go back to school so i'll probably have less shifts generally from now on which im cool with bc ive earnt a decent amount this summer n i need to do my damn summer project for uni n also work actually tempts me more foodwise than home even though i have so much good food hoarded at home. its just too easy to grab a curly fry outta the thing at work n its a struggle lmao
omg perrrrrrrrrfect foods !
i think you should not set your goal any lower that would just make it never enough like you said, you are tiny for sure <3
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Posted 30 September 2016 - 09:31 PM
chocolatemilk, on 30 Sept 2016 - 5:14 PM, said:
I fucking love rupauls drag race30/9
no weigh in
!! pic spam incoming !!
breakfast pt 1:
67g cherry bakewell shredded wheat (239) 100ml almond milk (13) coffee (5)
breakfast pt 2:
maple syrup nature valley bars (192)
lunch / post-gym:
tortilla wrap (132) 17g tomato puree (16) 57g mozzarella (140) 11g light cheese (36) 2 slices turkey (39) 52g mushrooms (8)
snack:
chocolate virtue bar (92)
dinner:
240g courgette (41) 150g king prawns (93) 24g nandos sauce (17) 28g peanut butter (167) ~ it came out like satay sauce
post-dinner:
bite of uno chocolate (50) ~ this was gross it wasnt worth calories so i gave it to my housemate, counted the part i tried as 1/5 n dont think it was more than that. finally glad its gone from my hoard lmao its been there a while bc i knew itd be bad
76g cherry bakewell shredded wheat (271) 100ml almond milk (13)
key lime slime twinkie (130)
mini bag haribo (55)
total: 1749
crosstrainer (-400)
6.000 steps
net total: 1349
sorry for so many pics!!
today was good, decided to have a two part breakfast so i could snack during my lecture n it was fun haha i havent had those nature valley bars in years n they were as delicious as i remembered. everything was delicious today except for that uno bar lmao i do not recommend at all. cherry bakewell shredded wheat is my new bae though its just a shame its kinda heavy so it feels like u dont get a lot for the weight but mmm it tastes so good
i won an instagram giveaway today!! its like nakd bars, chocolate, yankee candles n other snacks/goodies n im so happy aw
not much else to report, had a wild friday night in watching ru pauls drag race lmao the 3 of us in hadnt seen it before then ended up watching 3 consecutive episodes n enjoying it tbh so i feel like we're gnna get into it
im so excited for it to be october tomorrow ive been holding off sp00oky foods but expect some adorable halloween stuff in the coming month, i love halloween
Actually the other day my dad did that Facebook thing where u describe urself in three characters and he chose Lemmy, Scarface and RuPaul and I was just like "yaaasss queen"
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Height: 5'3"
HW: 139
LW: (at 4'11") 75
CW: 103.5 100.5 100 99 98.5 97 96(never good enough)
GW: 95 DONE
93.5 92.5
UGW: 90 (BMI 16.5) DONE
new CW: 88 (whoops) 77 (whoOPS)
BMI: 18.9 18.4 18.3 18.1 18.0 17.7 17.6 17.4 17.1 16.9 16.1 13.6
.Feel like a cripple without a cane. I'm like a jack of all trades who's a master of none.
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Posted 01 October 2016 - 05:20 AM
kaito!, on 30 Sept 2016 - 9:20 PM, said:
ur food today looked so good!!!
ah thank u it was!! c:
H4nnahmg, on 30 Sept 2016 - 9:31 PM, said:
I fucking love rupauls drag race
Actually the other day my dad did that Facebook thing where u describe urself in three characters and he chose Lemmy, Scarface and RuPaul and I was just like "yaaasss queen"
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haha omg that is amazing i want ur dad
faeries., on 30 Sept 2016 - 11:58 PM, said:
Cherry Bakewell Shredded Wheat exists? Oh my god, I think I need it in my life o.O
yes omg definitely try it, it's so good <3
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Posted 01 October 2016 - 06:59 AM
chocolatemilk, on 01 Oct 2016 - 05:20 AM, said:
My family will adopt u lmao xD then we can shareah thank u it was!! c:
haha omg that is amazing i want ur dad
yes omg definitely try it, it's so good <3
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Height: 5'3"
HW: 139
LW: (at 4'11") 75
CW: 103.5 100.5 100 99 98.5 97 96(never good enough)
GW: 95 DONE
93.5 92.5
UGW: 90 (BMI 16.5) DONE
new CW: 88 (whoops) 77 (whoOPS)
BMI: 18.9 18.4 18.3 18.1 18.0 17.7 17.6 17.4 17.1 16.9 16.1 13.6
.Feel like a cripple without a cane. I'm like a jack of all trades who's a master of none.
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Posted 01 October 2016 - 01:53 PM
1/10 happy october!!
no weigh in
breakfast:
45g oats (169) 200ml almond milk (26) options white hot choc sachet (44) 72g frozen/fresh strawberries (30) milkybar ghost (136) chocolate sprinkles (5) coffee (5)
lunch:
44g spinach (11) 4 turkey meatballs (164) 174g sweet potato (150) 84g beetroot n sesame dip (122) this was amazingggg
dinner:
pizza sub (276) turkey slice (19) 26g mushroom (4)
post-dinner:
white twix (232)
total: 1393
4.8k steps
today was chill, i went for a lil walk with my housemate bc i still haven't explored a lot of the area n found a costcutter like 2 mins walk from the house which stocks white twixes omg theyre like my fav!! <33 it also stocks a bunch of fancy milka flavours n both new oreo flavours n omg i was just so happy about the discovery. like when i noticed the white twix i literally gasped out loud n got so excited haha
also so excited for it to be october, i loved my lil milkybar ghost n i plan on having a lot of fun halloween related food this month yay, i love halloween n i also love autumn in general
tomorrow im gnna go gymmm so i can eat more food
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Posted 01 October 2016 - 01:57 PM
Oh my! The ghost is too cute *-*
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Posted 01 October 2016 - 02:11 PM
2) who's your fave queen so far on rpdr?
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Posted 01 October 2016 - 02:45 PM
spooky oatmeal lol
nice<3
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H: 5'7.5 LW: 150 (2014) SW: 158 (2014) HW: 216 (Dec. 2019..that's embarrassing) CW: ?
Gw 1: 190 lbs (86 kg) BMI - 29.3
Gw 2: 180 lbs (82 kg) BMI - 27.8
Gw 3: 170 lbs (77 kg) BMI - 26.2
Gw 4: 160 lbs (73 kg) BMI - 24.7
Gw 5: 150 lbs (68 kg) BMI - 23.1
Gw 6: 140 lbs (64 kg) BMI - 21.6
Gw 7: 130 lbs (59 kg) BMI - 20.1
Gw 8: 120 lbs (54 kg) BMI - 18.5
♥ UGW: 114 lbs(51 kg) BMI - 17.6 ♥
MAINTAIN BETWEEN 107-114
my eatingdisordercentral account
see y'all on the other side
Effy & Pandora
Anime stuff
Korra stuff
Weight loss stuff
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Posted 01 October 2016 - 05:37 PM
Skynny23, on 01 Oct 2016 - 2:09 PM, said:
Omg I want white twix
if you ever find one definitely try it they're so good!!
Blunder_Road, on 01 Oct 2016 - 2:11 PM, said:
1) I love the ghost wow
2) who's your fave queen so far on rpdr?
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haha thank u
that's hard!! i rlly like juju but also jessica wild is fab n i quite like raven too
Jeong Shin, on 01 Oct 2016 - 2:30 PM, said:
RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE <3
may or may not have watched 4 more episodes tonight
uglypig, on 01 Oct 2016 - 2:53 PM, said:
I saw your story on Instagram and get excited more than you PS new milka flavors:P <3
i was so excited!! that shop has a rlly impressive milka selection i can't wait to try some of them <3
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Posted 02 October 2016 - 06:16 AM
chocolatemilk, on 01 Oct 2016 - 5:37 PM, said:
haha thank u
that's hard!! i rlly like juju but also jessica wild is fab n i quite like raven too
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Yoooo juju is bae (well like one of my like...10 from the show haha)
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Posted 02 October 2016 - 01:44 PM
your spooky breakfast is everything!
always when i see your oatmeal i want to try to eat that again
i just cannot remember how it tastes anymore.
hugs
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Posted 02 October 2016 - 03:27 PM
αrтιғιcιαlѕweeтeɴerѕ, on 02 Oct 2016 - 1:44 PM, said:
your spooky breakfast is everything!
always when i see your oatmeal i want to try to eat that again
i just cannot remember how it tastes anymore.
hugs
you should totally have oatmeal its literally like the best thing <3
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Posted 02 October 2016 - 03:42 PM
2/10
weight: 96.6 / bmi: 16.9 (is everybody elses weight this repetitive??)
breakfast:
giant crumpet (187) 32g milkyway spread (179) chocolate sprinkles (5) coffee (5) ~ this spread is a new discovery from the shop that sells the white twixes, that shop is a serious gold mine
lunch / post-gym:
170g greek yog (97) vanilla flavdrops (0) 75g frozen bloobs (52) blueberry yoghurt protein flapjack (270)
snack:
coco pops choco bake (112)
dinner:
120g quorn mince (126) 7g taco seasoning (20) 192g nacho cheese potato wedges (300) 18g light cheese (58) light mayo (13)
post-dinner:
chocolate marshmallow fish (79) ive had this hoarded for ages n didnt realise it was so low cal smh
71g cherry bakewell shredded wheat (253) 100ml almond milk (13)
total: 1769
crosstrainer (-410)
+ chest press, lat pulldown, leg curls
4.7k steps
net total: 1359
dang it i had my net total at 1300 but just now realised i forgot to log the cheese on my dinner smh
another fine day, im feeling fine n not a huge amount to say!! tomorrow i have a full day at uni n have already made my breakfast (overnight oats) n lunch (wrap) which im looking forward to so should be another good day ~ also i think the instagram giveaway prize i won will likely arrive tomorrow so thats exciting!!
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Posted 03 October 2016 - 08:09 AM
bluestardust, on 03 Oct 2016 - 05:54 AM, said:
You put a little hat on your icon I'm dying!!! It's so cute omg
ahaha thank u
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Posted 17 November 2016 - 07:25 AM
It sounds completely juvenile, but I recommend flash cards when you have to memorize stuff for tests. It took me until my third year to realize how useful that was. I'd have hundreds cards for some tests.
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Posted 17 November 2016 - 09:43 AM
soy milk, on 16 Nov 2016 - 5:31 PM, said:
dude i honestly love your thread so much, it's so motivating and helps reassure me a bit about trying new foods and fitting things into my intake. you're inspiring and doing so amazingly coping with maintenance, unknown cals and all those other things. congrats on your uni project btw! sounds stressful and you deserve to be kind to yourself. tbh it's a relief to find an accountability not based around restriction, and your food pics are legit to die for
aw wow thank u so much!! im so glad ur trying new foods n stuff thats totally awesome
thank u!! yeah im so glad i kept the accountability running; it felt like i should stop when i hit my goal but its been rlly cool to keep sharing all my pics n talking to ppl whilst eating maintenance
Jeong Shin, on 17 Nov 2016 - 06:32 AM, said:
I'm rly glad you're feeling more positive about uni! And with kanji, trust me, cramming is key here. I know it's a bit different for Japanese because you'll need to use them in writing tests/assignment or whatever whereas I was mostly learning the characters and readings (Korean doesn't rly use them but are essential for understanding Sino-origin vocab/complex texts), but I literally just crammed like fuck for two weeks (and went to a wedding in the middle of this) and I only revised 30/40 chapters and I got a 65 in the final. Two years later, I can only write like numbers 1-10 and the days of the week. I mean, obviously you want to retain and build up your Japanese, but for testing purposes it's just a case of rote memorisation and understanding/being able to use them will come after that. Also if you want like past papers or study materials from my uni (Japanese department is run like the military, it's insane), just let me know and I can see what I can find. Or if you have any specific issues, I can ask people I know still on the degree or my friends who've graduated. I like encouraging second language acquisition.
I also sent you a DM on IG because I bought the Christmas tree crumpets lmao and then saw that you posted them too! Great minds! And they're lower cal than ordinary crumpets.
thank you!
thanks for the advice, that does make sense like kanji seems like the type of thing u can cram!! luckily it turns out my test is actually next week so i have time to try get some of them to go into my brain before then c': honestly i dont think i'll ever need/want to be able to write in kanji, i more wanna learn it enough to be able to read it? so that makes things a lil easier as theyre a pain in the butt to write ahaha
aw wow thank u for the offer thats so nice of u. i think im good like im just taking it as an extra on top of my degree so its not even a huge amount i have to learn. i think learning second languages is rad too, i couldnt pass up the opportunity especially as its free!! everyone in my japanese class is studying like linguistics or TESOL etc so have legit reasons to wanna learn n ppl sometimes ask why im doing it n im like why the heck arent you doing it??
(it is extra work though like i take 15 credits in it so 15 credits are taken off my graphics stuff but i swear the japanese is a lot more effort than a couple extra essay questions or something, plus i have to go to japanese class but dont get to skip any graphics classes haha. so it can get me stressed but i have some free time now to catch up with it n i am determined !)
i actually cant wait to see ur christmas crumpet pics *~* im gnna be so jealous!! <3
Anniel, on 17 Nov 2016 - 07:25 AM, said:
O. M. G. I need those pancakes. They look amazing. Good job curtailing the binge urges.
It sounds completely juvenile, but I recommend flash cards when you have to memorize stuff for tests. It took me until my third year to realize how useful that was. I'd have hundreds cards for some tests.
thank u!! <3
no thats totally good advice, i'll definitely give it a try it sounds like it could work rlly well for kanji as it rlly is just a case of looking at them until they stick in your brain i guess? like there isnt a huuge amount of sense so theyre hard to just figure out. thanks for the advice!!
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Posted 17 November 2016 - 10:09 AM
wowowowow your food looks so yummy ahhhhhh
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Posted 17 November 2016 - 03:56 PM
17/11
breakfast:
50g oats (188) 200ml almond milk (26) sweetener (4) 60g banana (52) 18g crunchy maple peanut butter (106) stars (5) coffee (5)
lunch:
65g wholewheat spaghetti (231) tinned red salmon (137) 50g soft cheese (78) spinach (5)
dinner:
2 veggie sausages (141) 160g sweet potato fries (227) 100g white mushrooms (22) spinach (5)
post-dinner:
milka choco minis (192)
total: 1424 / 1400
8.300 steps
i feel kinda lame now ive started to put my cal goal after my total bc im always over lol. today i wasnt over by much at all but then i realised i forgot to log the sweetener n sprinkles at breakfast n spinach in lunch + dinner so it bumped it up a lil. not that it even matters as logically i know my steps will have burnt some cals so im most likely under my tdee anyway but egh feel greedy
i handed in my projects and now i am a free bird
i treated myself to a long supermarket trip (like i looked at so much stuff haha as i had no stress to be anywhere)
food shop highlights include: blueberry bagels !!! (ive been searching for these for sooo long, when i found them i texted my parents like ppl in my life have been aware of my quest for blueberry bagels), white choc cookies 100g chocolate block reduced to 45p, berry n yoghurt flavoured breakaways, frozen multigrain goats cheese pizza, lil christmas chocolate treats, All The Flavours of couscous
after the food shop n i came home n ate lunch i literally just chilled for the entire afternoon it was glorious
tomorrows plans; blueberry bagel, 10am lecture then midday gym sesh, come home n eat, go out again to meet my favourite band (enter shikari) !! as theyre doing a signing in hmv they did one last yr which i went to aswell n it was so lovely to meet them so im excited to meet them againnn <3 then i'll probably get taco bell at the food court just to complete an awesome day
in other news its exactly a month til the dreaded cruise. it begins on 17th of december n i am not ready whatsoever. trying not to dwell on it bc theres no point getting all stressed out now like im sure the thing is gnna be stressful enough as its happening
it just rlly sucks that this ED thingy has made me dread/not enjoy what is supposed to be an amazing once in a lifetime holiday
goodnight guyz *dreams of blueberry bagels*
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Posted 17 November 2016 - 04:01 PM
chocolatemilk, on 17 Nov 2016 - 3:56 PM, said:
(enter shikari) !!
lmao cool story this guy i used to be friends with at school had a full on argument with Rou Reynolds on twitter it was weird
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Posted 17 November 2016 - 04:07 PM
watershipdown, on 17 Nov 2016 - 4:01 PM, said:
lmao cool story this guy i used to be friends with at school had a full on argument with Rou Reynolds on twitter it was weird
hahahaha fair enough, was it political by any chance?
they follow me on twitter n once RTed my tweet about porridge (wasnt related to them in any way shape or form, literally just porridge)
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Posted 17 November 2016 - 04:10 PM
chocolatemilk, on 17 Nov 2016 - 4:07 PM, said:
hahahaha fair enough, was it political by any chance?
they follow me on twitter n once RTed my tweet about porridge (wasnt related to them in any way shape or form, literally just porridge)
i legit dont even remember?? it was pretty intense tbh like it was like a full on whole evening long argument haha. it was when i was in like year 11 so ages gooo lmao. haha thats pretty cool!! i saw them live at reading and it was the best i got crushed like 8 times and i was p drunk it was fab
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Posted 18 November 2016 - 04:40 PM
watershipdown, on 17 Nov 2016 - 4:10 PM, said:
i legit dont even remember?? it was pretty intense tbh like it was like a full on whole evening long argument haha. it was when i was in like year 11 so ages gooo lmao. haha thats pretty cool!! i saw them live at reading and it was the best i got crushed like 8 times and i was p drunk it was fab
ahahaha fair!
yeah they are so so good live
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Posted 18 November 2016 - 05:00 PM
18/11
my photos sorta suck today compared to usual (well mainly just my breakfast wasnt as aesthetic as usual)
breakfast:
blueberry bagel (230) 25g soft cheese (39) coffee (5)
lecture snack/breakfast pt 2/pre-gym idk:
granola bars (192)
lunch / post-gym:
salt n vinegar cod fillet (197) 244g potato (188) broccoli (36) reduced sugar/salt ketchup (10) i didnt weigh the broccoli!! the package confused me bc ive always thought its come out as a lil high for broc but then i thought oo maybe thats the cooked weight as i bet it weighs significantly more when frozen n then i was confused n thought fuck it this looks like 100g broccoli
snack:
2 strawberry cheesecake oreos (106)
dinner:
taco bell pulled pork fajita burrito (480)
post-dinner:
lil slice toastie bread (70) 18g maltesers spread (98)
total: 1651
crosstrainer (-420)
net: 1241 / 1400
(rolling over 150 for tomorrow)
the rolling cals over thing is starting to screw me over i think. i wanna do it every time i go to the gym but rn like i legit wanna eat more n im kinda hungry eugh i wish i just let myself eat my whole limit, like today it wouldve been valid ive done like 8000 steps, stood around for a couple hours bc shikari were late to the signing on top of gym (which obvs i count the cals) but yeah stupid me wants to roll over cals to eat more every day n now id feel greedy eating 1800. n i know if i ate something else now it would be something random n crap from my hoard n not satisfying plus its like midnight so its dumb, i shouldve ordered what i wanted at taco bell (crunchwrap supreme)
so yeah gnna try to stop telling myself i have to roll cals over when ive worked out bc it was only meant to be when ive had a lazy day n dont need the cals it wasnt meant to be every single time. although saying that the next 2 times are likely gnna be lazy days so i'll probably do it lmao. maybe i'll just say i roll over the cals on sunday n tues n eat them all on friday as sun/tues i generally do nothing except gym but fridays i have uni n sometimes do other things. idk man
i met enter shikari!! ive met them once before n was too excited to act like a normal human being but today i managed a semi normal conversation so that was an achievement!! n there was a photographer who took my pic with them!! (minus chris, he wasnt there idk why :c )
she said she'd upload it to the hmv fb so im gnna be stalking that the next few days n i'll defo post it here when i get it too bc it was like a big camera so im hoping its gnna be a rlly nice pic
tomorrow if its not heavily raining like it was today (n it snowed!!) im planning on going into town to get my mum a bday present n maybe some christmas presents for fam if i see anything good. if i go into town im thinking i might get cute lunch in a coffee shop bc i love coffee shop food. thats kinda why i wanted to roll cals over like i was thinking i could get a panini + fancy christmas bevvie with the extra
im going home on wednesday until like monday morning, i booked the train n stuff. lately ive kinda scrapped my whole idea of being able to raise my limit to 1500 if i do a decent amount of steps but i think it makes sense when at home bc idk why i find 1500 so much easier to work with tbh. like i try to generally do my meals around 400/400/400/200 but my meals often end up like 420 or my snack might be 230 yknow? 1500 just seemed easier when i did that. so basically yeah when i go home im gnna make sure its me who walks the dog n stuff so that i can "earn" being able to eat 1500 just to make the visit easier/more enjoyable. hopefully
edit: i forgot to give u my blueberry bagel verdict!!! it was so yummy unfortunately i suck at cutting in half neatly n the fat side didnt fit in the toaster so i had to grill it n was too impatient so it wasnt as done as i wanted but was still good <3 next time im gnna try mixing either sweetener or flavdrops with the cream cheese though like it did work but would work better if sweetened i think!! yay
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Posted 18 November 2016 - 05:14 PM
chocolatemilk, on 18 Nov 2016 - 5:00 PM, said:
I have the original nature Valley crunchy bars and I never knew they had a maple syrup one!18/11
my photos sorta suck today compared to usual (well mainly just my breakfast wasnt as aesthetic as usual)
breakfast:
blueberry bagel (230) 25g soft cheese (39) coffee (5)
lecture snack/breakfast pt 2/pre-gym idk:
granola bars (192)
lunch / post-gym:
salt n vinegar cod fillet (197) 244g potato (188) broccoli (36) reduced sugar/salt ketchup (10) i didnt weigh the broccoli!! the package confused me bc ive always thought its come out as a lil high for broc but then i thought oo maybe thats the cooked weight as i bet it weighs significantly more when frozen n then i was confused n thought fuck it this looks like 100g broccoli
snack:
2 strawberry cheesecake oreos (106)
dinner:
taco bell pulled pork fajita burrito (480)
post-dinner:
lil slice toastie bread (70) 18g maltesers spread (98)
total: 1651
crosstrainer (-420)
net: 1241 / 1400
(rolling over 150 for tomorrow)
the rolling cals over thing is starting to screw me over i think. i wanna do it every time i go to the gym but rn like i legit wanna eat more n im kinda hungry eugh i wish i just let myself eat my whole limit, like today it wouldve been valid ive done like 8000 steps, stood around for a couple hours bc shikari were late to the signing on top of gym (which obvs i count the cals) but yeah stupid me wants to roll over cals to eat more every day n now id feel greedy eating 1800. n i know if i ate something else now it would be something random n crap from my hoard n not satisfying plus its like midnight so its dumb, i shouldve ordered what i wanted at taco bell (crunchwrap supreme)
so yeah gnna try to stop telling myself i have to roll cals over when ive worked out bc it was only meant to be when ive had a lazy day n dont need the cals it wasnt meant to be every single time. although saying that the next 2 times are likely gnna be lazy days so i'll probably do it lmao. maybe i'll just say i roll over the cals on sunday n tues n eat them all on friday as sun/tues i generally do nothing except gym but fridays i have uni n sometimes do other things. idk man
i met enter shikari!! ive met them once before n was too excited to act like a normal human being but today i managed a semi normal conversation so that was an achievement!! n there was a photographer who took my pic with them!! (minus chris, he wasnt there idk why :c )
she said she'd upload it to the hmv fb so im gnna be stalking that the next few days n i'll defo post it here when i get it too bc it was like a big camera so im hoping its gnna be a rlly nice pic
tomorrow if its not heavily raining like it was today (n it snowed!!) im planning on going into town to get my mum a bday present n maybe some christmas presents for fam if i see anything good. if i go into town im thinking i might get cute lunch in a coffee shop bc i love coffee shop food. thats kinda why i wanted to roll cals over like i was thinking i could get a panini + fancy christmas bevvie with the extra
im going home on wednesday until like monday morning, i booked the train n stuff. lately ive kinda scrapped my whole idea of being able to raise my limit to 1500 if i do a decent amount of steps but i think it makes sense when at home bc idk why i find 1500 so much easier to work with tbh. like i try to generally do my meals around 400/400/400/200 but my meals often end up like 420 or my snack might be 230 yknow? 1500 just seemed easier when i did that. so basically yeah when i go home im gnna make sure its me who walks the dog n stuff so that i can "earn" being able to eat 1500 just to make the visit easier/more enjoyable. hopefully
edit: i forgot to give u my blueberry bagel verdict!!! it was so yummy
Is it good and if so do you reccomend?
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Posted 19 November 2016 - 03:08 PM
Ritzcrackerr, on 18 Nov 2016 - 5:14 PM, said:
I have the original nature Valley crunchy bars and I never knew they had a maple syrup one!
Is it good and if so do you reccomend?
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yeah they're rlly good!!
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Posted 19 November 2016 - 03:32 PM
19/11
breakfast:
blueberry bagel (230) 26g soft cheese (41) spinkling of sweetener (2) the sweetener was such a good call
lunch:
costa turkey n trimmings toastie (453)
unpicture pre-dinner: poppadom my housemate gave me (38)
dinner:
quorn vegan 'chicken' fillet (65) quorn mediterranean 'chicken' crispbake (150) 1/2 pack giant mediterranean couscous (171) 80g mushrooms (18) spinach (5)
post-dinner:
2 angel slices (278) they were gone off so reduced to 50p n a pre-ED shit fav
choc pbj witches finger (66) i didnt want this whatsoever but i had cals left so figured id use them to get rid of it bc i wanted it gone from my life / its been tempting me badly in the middle of the night lmao
total: 1517 / 1550
+ 10.300 steps
not gonna write a long essay as normal bc i have a horrible headache fml
today was kinda mentally sucky. i went into town to get a birthday present for my mum n whilst walking round i just couldnt stop stressing about what i was gnna have for lunch? bc i was thinking if i had bread again ppl on instagram would judge me for eating bread at both breakfast n lunch? n i also didnt have a coffee at breakfast so i could get a fancy festive one whilst out but that stressed me out too much n when i decided against it it was actually relieving lmao i hate liquid calories but i see everyone else posting them n it makes me wanna try the fancy drinks
i walked through the christmas market (briefly, it was so busy lmao i got the f outta there, gonna go back on a week day) n it was like the main food section so everyone was eating pancakes/bratwurst/strudels n stuff n looking so carefree n it made me rlly sad that i couldnt just grab myself lunch from a nice christmas stall or something idk i wish i could be normal n carefree
then tonight my housemate made a shit ton of curry so i was offered some n i had a poppadom bc the cals were right there on the pack but it made me sad i couldnt take up the offer of curry n had to have my nicely calculated dinner
i feel like im in too deep to be normal so i couldnt just be normal if i wanted to. if i let myself eat whatever i wanted then im p sure i'd 100% binge/overeat but also if i just let myself up my limit to a weight gain/normie intake n still counted id be in the same situation i am now? the problem isnt restricting anymore rlly its just missing out on life haha. i guess this is what it takes to be thin though like im not naturally thin so i gotta miss out on stuff to upkeep this thing that shouldnt even matter
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Posted 19 November 2016 - 04:33 PM
chocolatemilk, on 19 Nov 2016 - 3:32 PM, said:
19/11
breakfast:
blueberry bagel (230) 26g soft cheese (41) spinkling of sweetener (2) the sweetener was such a good call
lunch:
costa turkey n trimmings toastie (453)
unpicture pre-dinner: poppadom my housemate gave me (38)
dinner:
quorn vegan 'chicken' fillet (65) quorn mediterranean 'chicken' crispbake (150) 1/2 pack giant mediterranean couscous (171) 80g mushrooms (18) spinach (5)
post-dinner:
2 angel slices (278) they were gone off so reduced to 50p n a pre-ED shit fav
choc pbj witches finger (66) i didnt want this whatsoever but i had cals left so figured id use them to get rid of it bc i wanted it gone from my life / its been tempting me badly in the middle of the night lmao
total: 1517 / 1550
+ 10.300 steps
not gonna write a long essay as normal bc i have a horrible headache fml
today was kinda mentally sucky. i went into town to get a birthday present for my mum n whilst walking round i just couldnt stop stressing about what i was gnna have for lunch? bc i was thinking if i had bread again ppl on instagram would judge me for eating bread at both breakfast n lunch? n i also didnt have a coffee at breakfast so i could get a fancy festive one whilst out but that stressed me out too much n when i decided against it it was actually relieving lmao i hate liquid calories but i see everyone else posting them n it makes me wanna try the fancy drinks
i walked through the christmas market (briefly, it was so busy lmao i got the f outta there, gonna go back on a week day) n it was like the main food section so everyone was eating pancakes/bratwurst/strudels n stuff n looking so carefree n it made me rlly sad that i couldnt just grab myself lunch from a nice christmas stall or something idk i wish i could be normal n carefree
then tonight my housemate made a shit ton of curry so i was offered some n i had a poppadom bc the cals were right there on the pack but it made me sad i couldnt take up the offer of curry n had to have my nicely calculated dinner
i feel like im in too deep to be normal so i couldnt just be normal if i wanted to. if i let myself eat whatever i wanted then im p sure i'd 100% binge/overeat but also if i just let myself up my limit to a weight gain/normie intake n still counted id be in the same situation i am now? the problem isnt restricting anymore rlly its just missing out on life haha. i guess this is what it takes to be thin though like im not naturally thin so i gotta miss out on stuff to upkeep this thing that shouldnt even matter
Sorry you had a bad day man! Your food looks insane as usual tho! ❤️
I know exactly what u mean, it makes me feel awful looking at people's carelessness and ease. Like they can just say 'I really fancy cheesy chips' and just sit and eat it, not a care in the world. Intuitive eating and all that shit
you'll get there dude, hopefully we all will. One step at a time. Don't try to rush urself into normie territory, you're already doing so freaking well!! You should be proud of what you're accomplishing every day!Stay strong friend
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Posted 19 November 2016 - 04:47 PM
RibBonesAndXylophones, on 19 Nov 2016 - 4:33 PM, said:
Sorry you had a bad day man! Your food looks insane as usual tho! ❤️
I know exactly what u mean, it makes me feel awful looking at people's carelessness and ease. Like they can just say 'I really fancy cheesy chips' and just sit and eat it, not a care in the world. Intuitive eating and all that shit
Stay strong friend
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gah i know right?!
this whole thing makes no sense, i wish i could just switch it off. like there's so many normies who eat exactly what they want and never deprive themselves yet stay a totally healthy weight bc their body kinda just figures it out for them. my sister is a perfect example she's literally like a perfect 21 bmi and never rlly loses or gains n she just has whatever she wants n her body just figures it out for her n if she over indulges it'll naturally just send less hunger cues/cravings to cancel it out like agh
thank you so much honestly <3 that means so much
you will get there too i am sure xx
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Posted 19 November 2016 - 05:06 PM
chocolatemilk, on 19 Nov 2016 - 4:47 PM, said:
gah i know right?!
this whole thing makes no sense, i wish i could just switch it off. like there's so many normies who eat exactly what they want and never deprive themselves yet stay a totally healthy weight bc their body kinda just figures it out for them. my sister is a perfect example she's literally like a perfect 21 bmi and never rlly loses or gains n she just has whatever she wants n her body just figures it out for her n if she over indulges it'll naturally just send less hunger cues/cravings to cancel it out like agh
thank you so much honestly <3 that means so much
you will get there too i am sure xx
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Ehhhhhhh i know! My sister's exactly the same, she has fluctuated in weight loads cause she's had 3 kids, but now she eats absolutely anything she wants (like in the cinema she'll have popcorn, pic n mix and ice cream 0-o) and her BMI is 19.
It'z really not fair
I just....ugh idek, my midnight brain has kicked in
Thanks x
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Posted 19 November 2016 - 11:32 PM
I feel the same way when I'm scanning cakes and bakery treats and biscuits at work. And flatbread pizza meal deals! Like it would be so nice to sit and have a fancy meal like that with people I like. :\ All these tarts and bags of Percy Pigs and the people buying them are all thin and I'm just like I CAN'T ONE CHERRY LIQUEUR AND I'LL BE OBESE. Or something.
Feeling like you're missing out on life sucks, especially at this time of the year. I want all the mince pies T___T
Also, ugh, about people on IG judging you. Fuck those people, that toastie looks like it was delicious.
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Posted 20 November 2016 - 08:32 AM
RibBonesAndXylophones, on 19 Nov 2016 - 5:06 PM, said:
Ehhhhhhh i know! My sister's exactly the same, she has fluctuated in weight loads cause she's had 3 kids, but now she eats absolutely anything she wants (like in the cinema she'll have popcorn, pic n mix and ice cream 0-o) and her BMI is 19.
It'z really not fair
I just....ugh idek, my midnight brain has kicked in
Thanks x
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yeah it isn't fair u_u
i hope u can fight this thing xx
bitchiebarbie, on 19 Nov 2016 - 5:26 PM, said:
Im hungry now great food choices ^^
ahaha thank u!!
solipsist, on 19 Nov 2016 - 7:07 PM, said:
i wish i could be normal too haha sometimes i like to pretend i am but it's not like i can actually fool myself
i hope u can get there some day <3
Jeong Shin, on 19 Nov 2016 - 11:32 PM, said:
I feel the same way when I'm scanning cakes and bakery treats and biscuits at work. And flatbread pizza meal deals! Like it would be so nice to sit and have a fancy meal like that with people I like. :\ All these tarts and bags of Percy Pigs and the people buying them are all thin and I'm just like I CAN'T ONE CHERRY LIQUEUR AND I'LL BE OBESE. Or something.
Feeling like you're missing out on life sucks, especially at this time of the year. I want all the mince pies T___T
Also, ugh, about people on IG judging you. Fuck those people, that toastie looks like it was delicious.
yeah that must be so hard u_u i really hope u can get there!! you deserve yummy flatbread pizzas n fancy tarts <3
yeah this time of year sucks for missing out on stuff haha most ppl seem to treat themselves a lot more than usual around the festive season. i guess we'll just have to fit treats into our intake. im actually very seriously considering (i'll probably do it) having unknown calories tomorrow just on my own with no reason to other than that i want a nutella crepe from the christmas markets? like now im at uni theres literally no reason to challenge the unknown cals thing as i call all the shots n theres never family lunches or occasions to deal with but im thinking it might be good for me to just challenge myself anyway. like how some ppl do fear food friday, i dont rlly have fear foods but unknown cals/unweighed food could be something i could challenge myself to. idk i just wanna be slightly less obsessive with it but not to the point of weightgain lmao (wouldnt we all like that)
nobody judged me at all tbh it was all in my head, i have a ton of followers on there now (and here!) n sometimes i worry ppl are judging me for eating so unhealthily u_u the toastie rlly was delicious though, absolutely zero regrets tbh
btw (sorry if this is enabling i know u are trying to cut down on buying unnecessary stuff) but i spotted the apple crumble shredded wheat in poundland n thought of you!! i was so tempted especially as it was in the bag so a smaller quantity than in the box, but i resisted bc i need to finish my cherry bakewell shredded wheat first haha. i hope the apple one is still in poundland once im finished, it sounds rlly good
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Posted 29 January 2017 - 02:42 AM
inmyeyes, on 28 Jan 2017 - 9:10 PM, said:
Those myprotein crisps look so yummy! Thanks for sharing the code (:
they're pretty good yeah!! aw you're welcome but it'd benefit both sides if anyone uses it as i'd get some credit to spend c':
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Posted 29 January 2017 - 02:45 AM
Amelya, on 29 Jan 2017 - 01:32 AM, said:
Your porridge always seems so good! Where do you buy you oat? And how much calorie it has? ^w^
(sorry if we already asked you that! -^^-)
aw thanks! I just use plain oats so you could use any brand really, I think it's the toppings n flavours I use that make it
but I use quaker which is 188 cals in 50g (I like a big bowl, you could easily use less for less cals!)
and_counting, on 29 Jan 2017 - 02:42 AM, said:
Cappuccino yogurt sounds so good tho?? Is it a good flavour combo?
yeah it was good!! I also have a latte one to try which I figure is gonna basically be the same but without the lil chocolate shavings? definitely recommend trying if u find them!!
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Posted 29 January 2017 - 11:14 AM
thinasapx, on 29 Jan 2017 - 04:00 AM, said:
hey! idk if uve seen this or if u care but they have these oreo reeces things on clearance at american fizz right now! just a heads up
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omg that is the weirdest thing, i just ordered them last night!! along with other reduced stuff (83p reeses puffs omg)
thank u for thinking of me!! you clearly know me too well from my thread c':
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Posted 29 January 2017 - 04:03 PM
29/1
my family visited today, we watched the chinese new year dragon parade, went to yo sushi for the first time n looked round some shops which was nice! i had a good day although feeling kinda crappy tonight for some reason? i had coffee late afternoon bc my parents wanted some n i swear it makes me anxious when i drink it later in the day or drink more than one a day so im blaming my crappy feels on that haha
for breakfast i had toffee flavour chilly oats w choc shot + lil salted caramel fudge pieces (286)
had lots of lil bits n pieces from yo sushi (shared some things so we could all try different stuff!) but kept tabs on everything i was eating ~ i had prawn katsu curry (380) 1/2 plate inari bean pocket (51) 1/2 plate teriyaki garlic beef (114) slice of souffle cheesecake (165) n unpictured half a strawberry cheesecake mochi (47) n a lil custard dorayaki (46)
(total = 803) (photos are unappealing bc low light, it was good i swear)
dinner was amys mexican bean n cheese burrito (256)
unpictured things were a piece of taro mochi (84) n polished off the last 36g of maltesers chocolate (192)
total: 1656
9000 steps
everything at yo sushi was so delicious, i'll definitely go back *~* it seems like the type of place u can easily go alone so i'll probably go before choir practice one evening or something, there was so much more stuff i wanted to try!
tomorrow is a full uni day followed by circus society practice, so a long day n im p tired so gnna attempt an early night (early is before midnight for me, wish me luck haha)
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Posted 30 January 2017 - 04:17 PM
30/1
aloha !
breakfast today was a heart crumpet <3 with smooth pb n maltesers spread (314) how cute are these crumpets omg i was so excited
lunch @ uni was an onion bhaji, bombay potato n mango chutney sammich + coconut chocolate protein bar (591)
snack ~ myprotein crisps (100)
dinner was my love spinach n ricotta tortellini w added cheese n spinach (407)
postdinner 4 squares cookies n cream chocolate (88) nutella b-ready (96) you'll most likely be seeing more postdinner snack pics from now on as my parents bought n fitted me some new lightbulbs (only 1 of my 3 would work before n was rlly dark so pics came out shitty n i keep most of my snacks in my room)
total: 1625
4900 steps
tomorrow is a usual gym day but my group wanna meet to work on uni project so that kinda threw me off a bit. im not so bothered about missing out on gym tomorrow, what worries me more is that i usually roll over 200 calories for thursday which is super helpful bc thursdays are super long days for me. so im gnna go gym on wednesday instead after my japanese class. i dont rlly like going after uni as it means taking all my stuff n having to get changed at gym n stuff but i'll suck it up for wednesday haha, i used to on fridays all the time it'll be chill
gnna head to bed now bc im rlly tired, lately ive been going to bed at a decent time then laying there unable to sleep for ages. tbh i think its bc i look at screens too much especially before bed, i rlly need to work on that haha
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Posted 31 January 2017 - 11:49 AM
sorry for the interruption, but i've read your whole thread in the past few days and it's so amazing and motivating! you're such a great inspiration! sorry, if it sounds weird but your body is goal also, you gave me a loads of good ideas for meals (and your porridges, omg! ) 
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Posted 31 January 2017 - 02:17 PM
blackberry, on 31 Jan 2017 - 11:49 AM, said:
hey(oh and sorry for my crappy english)
aw wow thank you so much! <3 that means a lot
& im glad i can be some inspiration for meals!
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Posted 31 January 2017 - 02:41 PM
31/1 omg where the heck has january gone come back pls
breakfast today was blueberry cheesecake proats with blueberries n a couple yoghurt coated banana chips (362)
ive decided to start taking advantage of the two subways within like a minutes walk from my uni campus ~ lunch was 6-inch steak n cheese sub on wheat bread (355) it was good but next time i will factor in cals for a sauce i think! also got a receipt with a survey on so earnt a free cookie, all the more reason to go back
dinner was breaded cod w homemade chips, broccoli n ketchup (459) my chips came out perfectly today <3
post-dinner milkybar dessert (127) + 5 unpictured cappuccino chocolate digestive thins (155)
total: 1463
5700 steps
i was under 1450 until i ate an extra digestive thin, was totally worth it
today was okay, i went into uni for 11 as my group had planned but everyone was late n our group leader didnt turn up til freakin 3pm so that was fairly annoying but we got what we wanted to do done so its alright i guess
tomorrow i just have japanese class n then i'll go gym as i mentioned!
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Posted 01 February 2017 - 05:46 PM
1/2 ~ happy february!
today has been fine, its gone rlly fast actually. i had a much needed good nights sleep, leisurely morning then japanese class, gym, food n more food yay
broke the fast with a heart crumpet topped w crunchy maple pb + a chopped up nana (360)
packed lunch for uni was a wrap filled w refried beans n spinach + crispy apple slices (408) the go ahead slices are another thing i got for free from an app haha sweet
post-gym snackage was a microwaved banana carb killa (217)
super high volume but super delicious dinner was chicken breast (half in the pitta with nandos sauce!), butternut squash crinkle cut chips, mushrooms, broccoli n salad (416)
postdinner pb kitkat chunky <3333 (227) i lent my housemate 60p n she paid me back with this i was so happy
total: 1632
net: 1212
4400 steps n some reps on the seated row machine
i started this post hours ago but then got into deep conversations with my housemates starting out about brexit n ending on trump/nuclear war/illuminati etc all that fun stuff! i love late night conversations like that though tbh haha
but yeah im tired so im too lazy to ramble any more about my boring day so will seeya tomorrow!
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Posted 02 February 2017 - 04:53 PM
sweetbunny, on 02 Feb 2017 - 2:44 PM, said:
omg i love this accountability so muchhhhhh <3 your food pics are so cuuteeee!!! n yummy looking
aw thanks so much! <3
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Posted 02 February 2017 - 05:21 PM
2/2
hey! today has been a good day !
uni went rlly well ~ basically our current group project is ending up with half of the groups going forward to do a pitch in front of some rlly big designers (we dont know who yet, ian anderson (designers republic) is one bc hes associated with the art school n last yr they had kate moross n i adore her work omg) but yeah so its a p Big Deal but today we had a ~dry run~ of our pitches n out of the 3 other groups we were with ours was miles better, we absolutely smashed it n got fab feedback. we have a couple things to tweak before another rehearsal on monday when its meant to be like finished thing n then theyre selecting which groups go through to pitch to the Super Big Designers n im fairly confident we'll be one of them
then tonight i had choir which was hella fun!!
breakfast was fab! choco peanut cookie flavour proats topped w a lil choc shot n mini reeses oreos!! (393) i made the oats with peanut cookie flavour whey n chocolate powdered pb (n my usual almond milk ofc)
tupperware lunch was quorn peppered steak w green peppers, onion, salad n bbq sauce all inside a wrap + a small-medium banana (422) getting slightly bored of uni sandwiches but also i think they can be kinda high cal for what u get sometimes so i figure i should do the meal prep thing more, this was fun n delicious
random dinner was egg n cress sammich + apple n pomegranate overnight oats (508) i think i mentioned before that i dont have time to go home before dinner on thursdays now bc choir so gotta grab something whilst out n agh today was hard, had planned what to get but they didnt have it n i had no plan B so i started panicking n going into every food place n looking at everything but nothing felt right lol. doesnt help that it was like an hour earlier than usual dinner so i wasnt rlly hungry! but i enjoyed what i eventually chose, rlly fancied the overnight oats for some reason so then just paired them with a low cal sammich n u cant rlly go wrong with egg sandwiches
when i got home / postdinner had a toasted bagel thin with crunchy maple pb (261) i panicked about this too lol, my housemate had baked chocolate cookies n i wanted one so bad but it was a giant plate n my brain was just screaming binge trigger bc unknown calories so after a lot of deliberation i just had what id kinda planned anyway, which was fine lol
im not looking forward to the cookies being there tomorrow though u_u
total is 1641
8000 steps
sorry for rambly captions!
tomorrow is just a standard gym day n then saturday ive planned to do my low day thing which im not particularly looking forward to. but the art building @ uni has just decided its gnna try out being open on saturdays n this saturday is the first time so some of my group are gnna head in including me to do work n i think thats good bc itll be a distraction which always makes it easier
i just rlly find low days lame now im used to eating double the amount haha, but if i made them higher itd defeat the point or else id have to do them more often yknow but at the same time i dont rlly feel bad about my weight idk?
i wanna maintain n after ppl have mentioned it ive become super paranoid that i dont burn a lot at the gym so i feel like having a low day once a week acts as a kinda cushion incase i accidentally overate on some other days yknow. im rlly scared of gaining n i eat quite a lot so i think if i nailed the low day once a week thing itd be rlly reassuring to me
im tired haha sorry im so rambly!! will see u guys tomorrow
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Posted 02 February 2017 - 09:38 PM
chocolatemilk, on 01 Feb 2017 - 5:46 PM, said:
1/2 ~ happy february!
today has been fine, its gone rlly fast actually. i had a much needed good nights sleep, leisurely morning then japanese class, gym, food n more food yay
broke the fast with a heart crumpet topped w crunchy maple pb + a chopped up nana (360)
packed lunch for uni was a wrap filled w refried beans n spinach + crispy apple slices (408) the go ahead slices are another thing i got for free from an app haha sweet
post-gym snackage was a microwaved banana carb killa (217)
super high volume but super delicious dinner was chicken breast (half in the pitta with nandos sauce!), butternut squash crinkle cut chips, mushrooms, broccoli n salad (416)
postdinner pb kitkat chunky <3333 (227) i lent my housemate 60p n she paid me back with this i was so happy
total: 1632
net: 1212
4400 steps n some reps on the seated row machine
i started this post hours ago but then got into deep conversations with my housemates starting out about brexit n ending on trump/nuclear war/illuminati etc all that fun stuff! i love late night conversations like that though tbh haha
but yeah im tired so im too lazy to ramble any more about my boring day so will seeya tomorrow!
All of your meals today look lovely<3
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Posted 03 February 2017 - 03:40 PM
3/2
yo!
breakfast was pb&j poptarts! (380) been wanting to try this flavour for ages n they didnt disappoint <3
lunch was fajita seasoned chicken breast, spicy mexican rice, mushrooms, broccoli n salsa (406)
afternoon snackage ~ greek yog mixed with vanilla flavdrops n honey cheerios (173)
spinach n ricotta tortellini w added cheese n spinach for dins (402)
tried these yum lil things!! (200)
also finished the last of this cookies n cream chocolate (88) this bar was delish but quite glad to have finished it as ive had it open for months lmao
total: 1658
net: 1238
today has just been standard, ive had a good day though. just went to the gym, cleaned a bit then chilled out n played neopets (charity corner is back so im gambling away my neopets fortune) the house is super quiet lately like everyone has gone home n stuff so its been nice n chill
tomorrow is my low day, aiming for 800 intake making my deficit (including the lil deficit today) 850 cals. im also gnna take lax tonight so expecting tomorrow to be pretty lame c': but its only a day n then i get 6 more delicious food filled days so its all good
im gnna head into uni in the afternoon n try get some work done, some of my group are also coming in so im hoping it'll make the day go fast
hope u guys are well!
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Posted 04 February 2017 - 12:01 PM
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Posted 04 February 2017 - 12:13 PM
thinasapx, on 04 Feb 2017 - 12:01 PM, said:
oo okay so i saw ur ig story and i couldnt help but notice the oppo icecream bc i literally bought some yesterday!! its so nice, i got the salted caramel flavour and i love how low calorie it is bc i can have so much but its so like... sweet (duh ofc) that i know when to stop. like i dont think id be able to have more than a scoop or two at a time? anyway basically it's delicious i feel like ur gonna love it
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Oppo Mint Choc Swirl ice cream is amazing...just saying. I'm yet to try the salted caramel one because I think it's only in Waitrose? Also it seems to be a plain ice cream with no mix ins, but the mint choc one has a chocolate sauce swirl and it's sooooo good.
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Posted 04 February 2017 - 12:20 PM
Spoony, on 04 Feb 2017 - 12:13 PM, said:
omg i thought thered be a salted caramel swirl in the tub ngl i was a bit disappointed which is why i was sorta eh about the mint choc flavour bc i thought it would be lacking w the choc part but now that i know there is a swirl i really want to buy it!Oppo Mint Choc Swirl ice cream is amazing...just saying. I'm yet to try the salted caramel one because I think it's only in Waitrose? Also it seems to be a plain ice cream with no mix ins, but the mint choc one has a chocolate sauce swirl and it's sooooo good.
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Posted 14 April 2017 - 09:26 AM
MisWalter, on 14 Apr 2017 - 09:15 AM, said:
Don't ever feel invalidated by anyone else, your struggles are just as tough as anyone's. <3 The disordered thoughts are still there just as much when maintaining, I think it can be harder sometimes because some days there can be so much guilt too. But you're doing great
Yes there is definitely more stuff appearing, seems to be pretty popular now.
thank you! & yeah for sure, i think for me the biggest challenge with maintenance is knowing a slip-up will definitely lead to weight gain territory, so ive grown this intense fear of binging/overeating, like there was obviously always a fear of binging but now its at the point where I stress over meal times, push food later, stress over food/macro choices etc bc i'm scared of going hungry which could potentially lead to binging, so maintenance for me is still just so obsessive/disordered definitely. but saying that it still 100% beats restriction for me bc although it can take p much the same mental toll, the physical toll is much much less n things are generally a lot easier when ur not exhausted
but sorry for rambling c': thank u so much! <3
& yeah I think it'll just keep growing veganism is rad, i'd love to cut my meat n dairy down some more
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Posted 14 April 2017 - 09:35 AM
chocolatemilk, on 14 Apr 2017 - 09:26 AM, said:
It's almost like walking a tightrope I think, making sure to eat enough but not too much. Being able to enjoy life (share meals and stuff) but still keep the control you want. And the fear of binging is always in the background. But you're handling the challenges and hopefully that keeps giving you confidence to stay on track and stay well.thank you! & yeah for sure, i think for me the biggest challenge with maintenance is knowing a slip-up will definitely lead to weight gain territory, so ive grown this intense fear of binging/overeating, like there was obviously always a fear of binging but now its at the point where I stress over meal times, push food later, stress over food/macro choices etc bc i'm scared of going hungry which could potentially lead to binging, so maintenance for me is still just so obsessive/disordered definitely. but saying that it still 100% beats restriction for me bc although it can take p much the same mental toll, the physical toll is much much less n things are generally a lot easier when ur not exhausted
but sorry for rambling c': thank u so much! <3
& yeah I think it'll just keep growing
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Posted 14 April 2017 - 09:44 AM
MisWalter, on 14 Apr 2017 - 09:35 AM, said:
It's almost like walking a tightrope I think, making sure to eat enough but not too much. Being able to enjoy life (share meals and stuff) but still keep the control you want. And the fear of binging is always in the background. But you're handling the challenges and hopefully that keeps giving you confidence to stay on track and stay well.
yeah thats exactly it!
thank u so much, and it really does
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Posted 14 April 2017 - 05:45 PM
14/4
quick late update as we've been watching films n stuff but figured it means i don't have to do it tomorrow!!
today has been fine, i stuck to my limit n stuff so im rlly happy
brekkie was banana weetabix with almond milk n a blob of reeses choc spread (298)
lunch was an omelette filled with mushrooms, onion n protein cheese, topped w bbq sauce + spinach, snapea rice sticks (277)
snacked on some greek yog mixed with toffee flavdrops (93)
dinner we got pizza hut takeaway!! we got a large half n half with "cheesy garlic twist" crust!!
I got chicken supreme on my half n had 3/5 slices (732) obvs i've saved the other 2 slices for another time!!
+ unpictured postdinner pb rocky biscuit (110)
total: 1515
net: 1265
so today was fine as expected!! ended the day on like 13k+ steps which is neat n I stuck to my 1550 limit which means I have enough calories in the bank to eat 1650 tomorrow n sunday yay!! my sister brought easter gifts from her n my mum so i got lotsa choc which is exciting, i'll show u guys my haul tomorrow
tomorrow we're still going to that vegan street food fair n I still have my heart set on tofu fish tacos!! im excited
but rn im exhausted so gnna go bed n i'll seeya tomorrow c:
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Posted 15 April 2017 - 02:00 PM
15/4
hi guys!
today was fab, I went to the vegan street food fair n the food was amazing! then we just mooched round town for the rest of the day c:
for breakfast I had banana flavour porridge with a couple reeses pieces eggs (242)
higher calorie breakfast than i'd planned but I made my sister a bomb pb themed cereal bowl n it made me want a better breakfast haha
my amazing lunch at the vegan street food fair!! these were to-fish tacos (estimated 600) they were so freakin good *~*
in the spoiler is my sisters (also vegan can u believe it) hot dog with all the trimmings
also couldnt resist a (vegan again) ice cream!! this was salted caramel & peanut butter flavour omg (est 300)
i may well have underestimated the ice cream cals but as u can tell i was v happy
dinner was gnocchi in mushroom n tomato sauce with added mushrooms, topped with protein cheese (337)
n post-dinner i finally tried a cadbury oreo egg n spoon!! (191) super late to the party (kinda was waiting til post-easter reductions) but my mum got me some for easter n omg, it was so good <3
total: estimated 1674
+ 10.5k steps
also before I break the cute centred layout wanna show u guys my easter haul!!
i'm determined not to hoard this stuff this year haha, last year my easter treats stressed me the f out (binged/purged on my biggest n best egg, hoarded a bunch, did a random chocolate mono, ended up throwing some away) but this year i'm just gonna eat n enjoy them. already made a start with my oreo egg tonight n it was amazing I cant wait to eat the rest
so yeah today was fab!! honestly I am aware I may well have underestimated the ice cream at 300, especially as it was a proper waffle cone, but I feel like my tofu tacos were a valid estimation at least? and honestly im feeling fine like I did 10k steps n was out n about all day so I feel like i'll have walked off any potential extra, n also I just had a rlly nice time as u can see from my face on the selfie haha. I knew the ice cream could be risky but when I saw u could just buy a single scoop n I saw the salted caramel pb flavour I just went for it n no regrets man
tomorrows easter day plans are we're gnna visit a funfair! then we've planned to eat mcdonalds n go to the cinema, so should be another rlly fun day. I also have the rest of my pizza to eat c': think it'd be a good idea to try my best not to look at my macros tomorrow hahaha, after all it is easter so treats are to be expected
hope u guys are well n are having a good easter weekend ! <3
(also i forgot to tell u guys yesterday i won an instagram giveaway! i won some liquid egg whites n egg white crisp/bite things!! im actually rlly excited bc ive wanted to experiment with egg whites in stuff for a while but theyre kinda expensive haha)
edit: also i'm actually kinda hungry? and was hungry last night too so that's kinda reassuring i'm under my tdee idk?
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Posted 15 April 2017 - 02:19 PM
I am so excited to get to maintenance! XxxSent from my iPhone Tapatalk
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Posted 15 April 2017 - 06:57 PM
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Posted 16 April 2017 - 02:12 PM
woo finally caught up! i used 2 reply to this all the time (u prob dont remember me but i was 'kaito!') and i missed seeing u so much! <3
& love & love & love.
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goals & rewards:
- lose 5lbs : cheat day (burger king, wendy's, pizza day)
- lose 20lbs : buy panini press
- lose 40lbs : buy ukulele
- lose 70lbs : buy typewriter
* thiscrush + accountability *
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Posted 16 April 2017 - 03:16 PM
rogue robot, on 15 Apr 2017 - 2:19 PM, said:
I think this might be your best food day yet!
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ah thank u thank u it was a pretty great food day!!
im excited by how much progress youve made lately, it looks like youre rlly close to being able to enjoy some fun maintenance days <3 xxx
lee062, on 15 Apr 2017 - 6:57 PM, said:
I remember reading all your Easter posts from last year and how stressed you were and how much you were struggling. I'm just so so happy that this year is a trillion times better and that your having a great time! Also you look so happy in that ice cream pic it's adorable! hope the rest of your Easter is as enjoyable <3 (also I'm totally with ya on getting all of the post Easter reductions hehe)
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ah yeah I rlly did, easter was a tough time last yr, I remember we went on a family holiday n it kinda went rlly badly n it turns out thats basically what ended up in my parents being aware of my ED stuff (my sister ended up telling them a lot after i struggled on easter holiday)
but I love chocolate n I love seasonal stuff like easter so im really confident i can enjoy my easter stuff this year!! ive made so much progress since then its insane
thank you so much!! <3
yeah im definitely gnna check out the bargains but hopefully resist buying toooo much c':
happy easter <3
Strawberrywater, on 15 Apr 2017 - 7:06 PM, said:
I'm following! Your plates are adorable ❤
aw thank u! <3
ribcages., on 15 Apr 2017 - 7:11 PM, said:
Those oreo eggs sound so good o.O I can't find them around here though, for some reason :c
they are really freakin good!! I hope u can find some at some point <3
honeybee!, on 16 Apr 2017 - 2:12 PM, said:
woo finally caught up! i used 2 reply to this all the time (u prob dont remember me but i was 'kaito!') and i missed seeing u so much! <3
hi ofc I remember you!! i missed u too <3 thank u for still being here!!
compa22, on 16 Apr 2017 - 2:15 PM, said:
What a fun day!!! Love all your food. And also you make me want to have pizza. Anyways just wanted to say that your posts make me so happy i love maintanance i love food and i love not binging (i used to binge but not anymore for like 9 months). Keep being so amazing and positive. Happy easter!!!
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aw thank u!! you should totally have pizza, pizza is life
thanks so much n wow thats awesome work for being binge free!!
happy easter <3
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Posted 16 April 2017 - 03:36 PM
16/4
happy easter guys! i hope u had rad days n were able to enjoy some chocolate (or whatever treats u prefer!) <3
breakfast was chocolate protein pancakes with raspberrys, choc shot n a lindt bunny (268)
lunch pt 1. was mcds bbq (grilled) chicken n bacon wrap (366)
pt. 2 was a mcds apple pie!! (250) that i won for free on the monopoly
dinner was leftover pizza hut n some broc (508)
post-dinner made a start on one of my eggs! this was 51g of my big maltesers egg (269)
total: 1666
+ 8.4k steps
that easter egg didnt feel like much really, my sister happily munched through a whole 162g egg aswell as other snacks n i was semi-jealous haha but at the same time i know i'll enjoy fitting them into my day, binging would suck n i think replacing meals n stuff with bigger portions of chocolate wouldnt be hugely enjoyable either?? but im sure you'll be seeing a lotta chocolate snacks n chocolate porridge bowls in the coming weeks
today was quite fun, we went to the fun fair but the weather sucked so we didnt stay too long, i got rlly cold in the rain bc i get cold easily u_u then we went to mcds for lunch, then to the cinema to see "get out" which was rlly good i defo recommend!! then have had a chilled evening at home c:
im hungry again n have been the past 2 nights cries. im putting it down to my macros not being as good as usual/eating stuff that isnt very filling like i feel like the pizza hut pizza is so calorie dense it didnt fill me up much, and ive also been out n about with my sis rather than just lazy as usual haha! its been super fun ive had a great time but also quite looking forward to going back to my normal routine n meals c:
tomorrow we're gonna go out for brunch before she gets the train home again, ive suggested a cute independent place which looks amazing for breakfasty food *~* ive stalked the menu ofc n they do pbj french toast so im like 99% sure thats what im gonna get haha, but they also do a lotta great sounding egg dishes, pancakes n more traditional breakfasts too!! im not too worried about the unknown cals rlly, i find it easiest for brunch/breakfast bc i can work the rest of the day around it
im gonna shoot for a 1500 limit tomorrow as i still have like 50 cals ~in the bank~ but if its easier to eat a bit more (1650 max) then thats okay bc im gnna go gym on tuesday n i can make up for it yay
but yeah ive had a rlly nice weekend overall ! i hope u guys have had a fab easter weekend <3
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Posted 16 April 2017 - 07:13 PM
Jel of your food yesterday, all looks amazing i'm craving easter eggs sm but i think my mum's sending me one in the post as can't get them here lol.
Hope you have a nice brunch with your sister!
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Posted 17 April 2017 - 09:57 AM
peanutbutter., on 16 Apr 2017 - 7:13 PM, said:
Jel of your food yesterday, all looks amazing
Hope you have a nice brunch with your sister!
aw i hope she does, easter eggs are fab it sucks u cant get them over there!
thank you, brunch was delicious af <3
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Posted 17 April 2017 - 02:43 PM
17/4
brunch out was french toast with berry compote, mascarpone, almonds n salted caramel (estimated 650)
i ate all of it except atleast half of the salted caramel, which i gave to my sis as she's a salted caramel fiend
afternoon snack was a toasted pitta filled with banana pb2 (214)
dinner was a veggie burger, homemade chips, mushrooms, spinach, fried onion n ketchup (357)
post-dinner I had another 50g of easter egg (264)
total: 1489
+ 8.2k steps
we arrived at the place i'd originally suggested/planned we visit for brunch (where i'd also planned what i was gnna order in advance) to find there was an hour wait (??) so another change of plan which is challenging ED-wise, but then we went to another cute independent place i've been wanting to try! i was gonna opt for a lower cal thing but i ended up being brave n ordering what i wanted which was the gorgeous french toast <3 im not sure how accurate my calorie estimation was but i used mfp n it looks like the french toast n berries is alright but im aware mascarpone n almonds are very calorie dense, aswell as the caramel (which may or may not have been why i let my sister have half of it haha) but all in all i'm feeling fine about my estimation c: it was rlly delicious! n not particularly filling which is always reassuring in a way
so my sister has gone home now n i had a great weekend with her! we basically did everything we planned n i ate all the awesome things i planned with no slip ups!! as i said before i feel pretty chilled out w my sister, she never makes any comments related to my eating or anything but at the same time i know if i brought it up she'd be chill with it n happy to change plans etc, she's just rlly chilled out n as ive mentioned shes my fav person to try food challenges with. im rlly happy i challenged myself a bit this weekend! ive been thinking about trying to make unknown calories a more regular thing (maybe a weekly challenge or something) n after having 3 unknown cal things this weekend im feeling quite confident so i might actually make that a thing
im also excited to go back to normal food routine as im a creature of habit haha, eating a lotta treats is fun but i was quite hungry at times this weekend! which i think may well be bc my meals weren't as nutritious as usual (less protein etc etc)
looking forward to normal meals n a good gym sesh tomorrow as i havent been since wednesday meep
body check under the cuttttt
took these whilst my sis was showering haha, bc ive felt a bit less bloated than usual the past few days. the scales didnt agree but ive learnt to take weigh ins with a pinch of salt since eating maintenance bc so many things can affect it, n it was only up like a pound so could easily be down to random fluctuations
saying that i think i should probs have a lil lax flush soon to check out how my weight is doing, pretty sure im still the same but i feel like i should make sure idk? we'll see
ps pls ignore my hair i know the ends are god awful, but tbf they look worse in this as i hadnt done anything w it yet
pps anyone else have literally no figure? lol when i lost weight i lost half my boobs n i never had a butt to begin with
see u guys tomorrow!
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Posted 18 April 2017 - 03:04 AM
chocolatemilk, on 17 Apr 2017 - 2:43 PM, said:
im also excited to go back to normal food routine as im a creature of habit haha, eating a lotta treats is fun but i was quite hungry at times this weekend! which i think may well be bc my meals weren't as nutritious as usual (less protein etc etc)
looking forward to normal meals n a good gym sesh tomorrow as i havent been since wednesday meepSpoiler
took these whilst my sis was showering haha, bc ive felt a bit less bloated than usual the past few days. the scales didnt agree but ive learnt to take weigh ins with a pinch of salt since eating maintenance bc so many things can affect it, n it was only up like a pound so could easily be down to random fluctuations
saying that i think i should probs have a lil lax flush soon to check out how my weight is doing, pretty sure im still the same but i feel like i should make sure idk? we'll see
pps anyone else have literally no figure? lol when i lost weight i lost half my boobs n i never had a butt to begin with
Hey! Just thought I'd pop in bc I wanted to say ily, haha. You're just so relatable! I love having fun food and switching it up here and there on, like, a weekend or holiday or whatever but literally as soon as I'm finished, I'm thinking, "can't wait until I can go back to normal foods tomorrow," lol. Idk, variety is important once in awhile but predictability is really nice to have as well. cx
And I also wanted to add that I've learned to kinda ignore the scale too after awhile since starting maintenance. I still weigh every day but it hardly effects my mood. I rly just do it to make sure I'm not subtly but steadily gaining, so I go by averages now. But yeah, should you choose weigh in/pay attention to the scale again, don't be too put off if it's more than you expected! Maintenance definitely does trippy stuff. I actually gained 5-6 lbs but have lost inches. And as soon as I opened your spoiler, I thought, "woahh, skinny!" You probably have mentally prepared yourself for weighing in already but I just wanna make sure you stay motivated to maintain regardless of what the scale says. ^-^
Lastly I'm with you on the no-figure boat, lolol. I started losing weight in later middle school so my body never really got a chance to give me "muh feminine currrves." .___. But I do have to say, you have killer hipbones fam
Looks like you had such a rad weekend! I was very happy to see that. You're livin' it up! <3
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Posted 18 April 2017 - 06:41 AM
+ glad you had a good brunch looks really nice! Hate changing food plans too so well done with that. You should def make unknown cals a thing, that's really good
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Posted 09 June 2017 - 02:04 PM
Chibi Excel, on 09 Jun 2017 - 11:07 AM, said:
Haven't been on MPA in a long time, suddenly remembered you. Glad to see you're doing well and your food looks as delicious as ever!
aw hi!! how have you been?
thank u so much
Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un, on 09 Jun 2017 - 12:35 PM, said:
Following because I'm drooling over your food
It looks so amazing. It's like food porn omfg
Please send some of your delicious-looking food to your supreme leader in North Korea
thank you so much, my supreme leader *praising hands emoji*
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Posted 09 June 2017 - 02:52 PM
friday, 9th june
hi fam
today's breakfast was choc peanut cookie flavour proats with a chopped up nana (346)
lunch was this burrito which kinda exploded a lil in the microwave (still tasted good dw) (302)
i went on a longer walk than planned so had this decent snack afterwards ~ coconut vanilla greek style yoghurt, date granola n raspberries (233)
dinner was cheese n leek chunky cod fillet with chips n broccoli (462) this rlly hit the spot
n post-dinner treat was this golden crisp (irish) dairy milk (278) i rlly craved chocolate n opened up my lil drawer n saw this on top n it was just a total no brainer tbh
total: 1630 / tdee ~1688
ate a bit more than planned with fairly high cal dinner n post-dinner for me, but it was a semi comfort thing bc i was feeling kinda low n i'm still under my tdee thanks to 10k+ steps so it's all gucci
look what came in the post for me today!
that's 32 pots of protein porridge! the brand (feel free nutrition) contacted me n asked if i'd like some samples which i obviously graciously accepted, but i didn't expect them to send this many omg *~* i was so confused when this gigantic box arrived for me hahaha
negativity rambles in spoiler
i have hella mixed feelings tbh, obviously i'm so grateful n shocked my instagram has got to the point where i'm being sent freebies, these would've cost £60 to buy which is absolutely insane omg. and i'm really excited to try the flavours bc they sound rad, the white ones are coconut flavour <3 but on the other hand since they came ive had this lowkey ED anxiety bc i have this pressure to eat lots of these n post about them in return for their generosity, and theyre so freakin high cal u guys. theyre around 400 cals a pot, porridge pots are usually like 200 ball park, protein porridge a bit higher (250-300) bc of the added protein, but 400 is a lot for just porridge. my plan is to just weigh out some of it n eat like 2/3 of a pot instead of a whole one so that's okay but there's also just the fact that they're looming in the cupboard now haha, what if i dont like them? idk, im sorry for coming across as really ungrateful its just made me a lil stressed, i was super excited when they arrived but then when i read the nutritionals my heart sunk a tad
idk if thats contributed to the fact ive been kinda down this afternoon, it could have. i've been feelin rlly useless n lame, and im also worried about money u_u i really really need a job bc i have literally no money n i cant drive so i just cant do anything. i dont wanna go further into my overdraft for the sake of bus tickets n stuff, thatd make me feel worse, so im just confined to the middle of nowhere n feeling rlly sorry for myself. n then i dont even wanna think about how im gonna pay my july n august rent. my hair is fckin vile right now like i havent bleached my roots since september and i cant afford hair dye or cut so i feel like nobody is gonna hire me looking like a scumbag anyway lmao!! idk im overthinking, but i feel rlly useless n scummy atm. i assumed id come home n my old work would desperately want me like they did the last two summers but my supervisor hasnt responded to my last message n im so worried that means they dont need me this summer. idk what else i'd do, it took me so long to find that job. i'd probably have to go back to manchester for summer as theres more work there but i kinda wanted to be with family as i feel like its gonna be the last summer with them :c
the election results didnt fully go how i wanted it to either, idk its just been a glum day
sorry for the super negative update, i hate me like this i dont mean to be such a downer!!
i think it'll pick up the next few days as the weekend means i'll do things with family rather than laze around, and then i gotta go back to manchester for a lecture/briefing thing on tuesday n might stay for a bit, i haven't decided yet bc it's the whole money thing again sigh
i hope everyone is doing well <3
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Posted 09 June 2017 - 03:39 PM
dw about your job, im sure they just haven't gotten around to is yet. you're super pretty so idk why anybody would think that you're vile c;- hansha and lovely-intentions like this
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Posted 09 June 2017 - 04:04 PM
coffee.cake, on 09 Jun 2017 - 3:39 PM, said:
i feel like u shouldn't be obligated to eat every single one of them if you don't like it. if you had 400 for breakfast. 300 for lunch, 400 for dinner, and 500 for snack / post dinner, it would fit into a 1,600 calorie intake, so don't feel too stressed about it, a little planning goes a long way
yeah I know they can easily fit into my intake, I think it's more that it just seems like a lot for what it is yknow? like for 400 i'd usually have an amazing porridge bowl with toppings n stuff, i have this weird fear of being unsatisfied with my food haha, i overthink these things a lot idk
& tysm, i sure hope so <3 n i assure you i only post the best photos of me here haha, this past week ive been lazing around with gross hair n no makeup n i'm really not looking fab c':
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Posted 09 June 2017 - 05:01 PM
I do agree that I think you are obligated to try them - but I don't think all the samples are for yourself! They are for others to "spread the word" as you will about their product!!
I always feel obligated with free food too so I know how you must be feeling ❤️
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Posted 09 June 2017 - 05:51 PM
you could try part of a pot and just post a few pictures of the others and share them with roomies/family? don't feel pressured to eat them all! that's quite a lot and the worst that could happen if you upset the brand is that they don't send you more, which sounds like a good ending anyway
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Posted 09 June 2017 - 05:53 PM
chocolatemilk, on 09 Jun 2017 - 4:04 PM, said:
true, true. i totally get it. ur fab nmw though c;yeah I know they can easily fit into my intake, I think it's more that it just seems like a lot for what it is yknow? like for 400 i'd usually have an amazing porridge bowl with toppings n stuff, i have this weird fear of being unsatisfied with my food haha, i overthink these things a lot idk
& tysm, i sure hope so <3 n i assure you i only post the best photos of me here haha, this past week ive been lazing around with gross hair n no makeup n i'm really not looking fab c':
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Posted 09 June 2017 - 07:41 PM
chocolatemilk, on 09 Jun 2017 - 4:04 PM, said:
yeah I know they can easily fit into my intake, I think it's more that it just seems like a lot for what it is yknow? like for 400 i'd usually have an amazing porridge bowl with toppings n stuff, i have this weird fear of being unsatisfied with my food haha, i overthink these things a lot idk
I have that same fear lol-- I'm afraid that if I feel unsatisfied after a meal (regardless of the calories) I'll binge
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Posted 09 June 2017 - 08:21 PM
I agree with all the above comments ^ you could do a giveaway with them like you did with your kind bars (tho I'm not sure that's the best idea I just realised posting them might not help your money situation erk) or sell them/give them to family members and stuff. Don't stress about it honestly you don't have to eat it if you don't like it! Also! I think this might be a good idea but you (and also all of us) love your pretty porridge toppers so maybe just take half of the porridge pot (don't even have to weigh it out cos I know how inconvenient that is sometimes) and top it with your usual stuff. Then you can have the other half on another day! I know this was your idea anyway but I feel like 1/2 of a pot is easier in terms of eye estimation if you don't want to go through the hassle of weighing as compared to 2/3?
here's hoping things perk up with your money/job situation and everything else sending you some postive vibes ! <3
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Posted 10 June 2017 - 12:39 AM
Hope you feel better today chick! I think it's a bit weird coming home from uni for summer, like it's just such a different environment, y'know? Going from having lots of deadlines and different ppl around, to going home and suddenly the deadline pressure isn't there and there's more free time. I def remember it always left me a bit unsettled to start with. Hopefully your boss gets back to you about working over summer - could just be that it's quite early summer still
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Posted 10 June 2017 - 12:59 AM
heey, i got a question for you if you don't mind?
i bought a fitbit today and downloaded the app on my computer, and i was just wondering where the app says your tdee for the day? ty for the help!!
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Posted 10 June 2017 - 03:08 AM
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Posted 10 June 2017 - 03:15 AM
so sorry you´ve been feeling low today. remember that you should take things in a pace that you feel ok with and not cause anxiety just because of others expectations. baby steps you know. hope things will get better for you soon
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Posted 10 June 2017 - 07:02 AM
im sure u can share out the porridge w/ ur family n stuff!! porridge for everyone ! maybe send some to friends in food swaps too?? u dont have to eat it all, n other ppl will be greatful for it so its really fine at the end of the day the company sent them to gain publicity so as long as u make a post they've got something back from u if u know what i mean?? so dont feel guilty!!
w/ the money thing i think its just student life it p sucks like i know how it feels been in ur overdraft n that i feel so guilty about it. idk how far in the middle of no where u are but if you have a bike could you bike to a job? n if theres any little local cafes i would recommend ringing up n just asking cus thats what i did and i actually got given a job haha! (was so shocked) also just ring ur old work lmao like hes prob just busy dw u have to be pushy and annoying in life sometimes even tho its hard/anxiety provoking (
hope u feel better soon!
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Posted 10 June 2017 - 02:44 PM
thank you for all the responses, you guys are amazing!
i read them through the day n rlly helped cheer me up, but as always i wanted to wait til i was sat down on my laptop to reply to everything properly so sorry for the late responses ~
Sydney, on 09 Jun 2017 - 5:01 PM, said:
You could always re sell the products for a discounted price on ebay or something similar? I'm sure there are people who would love them and buy it.
I do agree that I think you are obligated to try them - but I don't think all the samples are for yourself! They are for others to "spread the word" as you will about their product!!
I always feel obligated with free food too so I know how you must be feeling ❤️
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that's a pretty cool idea, thank you! i might do that if i end up not being able to get through them
yeah for sure, i tried (some of) one today to post about it and it was actually p nice haha! i'm sure i will get through a fair few pots n be able to share the others with family n stuff c:
& tysm <3333
flowerflesh, on 09 Jun 2017 - 5:51 PM, said:
you could try part of a pot and just post a few pictures of the others and share them with roomies/family? don't feel pressured to eat them all! that's quite a lot and the worst that could happen if you upset the brand is that they don't send you more, which sounds like a good ending anyway
yeah i think that's what i'm gonna do! thank u so much lily <3
Airare, on 09 Jun 2017 - 7:41 PM, said:
I have that same fear lol-- I'm afraid that if I feel unsatisfied after a meal (regardless of the calories) I'll binge
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yes this is 100% me too! so silly as i haven't binged in 2017 *touch wood* but still so so scared of it
seaweed~` , on 09 Jun 2017 - 8:21 PM, said:
I agree with all the above comments ^ you could do a giveaway with them like you did with your kind bars (tho I'm not sure that's the best idea I just realised posting them might not help your money situation erk) or sell them/give them to family members and stuff. Don't stress about it honestly you don't have to eat it if you don't like it! Also! I think this might be a good idea but you (and also all of us) love your pretty porridge toppers so maybe just take half of the porridge pot (don't even have to weigh it out cos I know how inconvenient that is sometimes) and top it with your usual stuff. Then you can have the other half on another day! I know this was your idea anyway but I feel like 1/2 of a pot is easier in terms of eye estimation if you don't want to go through the hassle of weighing as compared to 2/3?
here's hoping things perk up with your money/job situation and everything else sending you some postive vibes ! <3
thank you! yeah i thought about that but it would be pricier to send than the kind bars, n i sent kind bars to ppl from mpa who i think could have the same predicament with these porridge pots being quite high cal yknow? but will definitely share with family, my mum already ate one today n she liked it c:
yeah it's a good idea!! i just think that'd end up a rlly small bowl n look like i was skimping haha c': i had 3/4 of a pot today n it didnt fill my bowl as much as usual bc its kinda ready brek texture n requires less liquid, so comes out less high volume, but yeah u are totally right
and thank u so much <333
Hazelw, on 10 Jun 2017 - 12:39 AM, said:
I remember looking at the nutritional info for these online, and I remember working out that I could go halfsies on each pot, as the protein content is so high (like 34g) and the pot was quite a bit bigger, so it basically could be 2 servings lol.
Hope you feel better today chick! I think it's a bit weird coming home from uni for summer, like it's just such a different environment, y'know? Going from having lots of deadlines and different ppl around, to going home and suddenly the deadline pressure isn't there and there's more free time. I def remember it always left me a bit unsettled to start with. Hopefully your boss gets back to you about working over summer - could just be that it's quite early summer still
yeah nutritionals-wise you definitely could eat half! only thing i would say is it'd come out quite a small amount - the amount of liquid they suggest for nice texture is less than i'd use for normal porridge, today i had 3/4 of a pot n it didn't fill my bowl up as much as my normal porridge (even with some cheeky raspberries thrown in!) not that that's an issue, it's probably more an issue for me bc of my food instagram hahaha, like i am often conscious of uploading things that look too small *eye roll* c':
thanks so much! i have less glum today, n youre right it always has a weird re-adjustment period, like i dont know how to fill my time!! i hope you're right n you could be as they generally need me after schools have broken up (i work in a caravan park haha) so yeah last year it was more like july time c: xxx
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Posted 10 June 2017 - 02:51 PM
Walnutbread, on 10 Jun 2017 - 12:59 AM, said:
heey, i got a question for you if you don't mind?
i bought a fitbit today and downloaded the app on my computer, and i was just wondering where the app says your tdee for the day? ty for the help!!
ahh u got a fitbit! that's so cool c:
n the app its under the lil flame symbol, but it updates throughout the day predicting how much you've burnt so far rather than show the total daily number, so to see the full days tdee ive been checking after midnight the previous days number if that makes sense <3
rogue robot, on 10 Jun 2017 - 03:08 AM, said:
I just know exactly how you feel, I had the exact same feeling when I won that enormous jar of mini eggs.. and when I've bought a massive US snack hoard and then realised it's too much and I can't handle it.. what I've done is either listed some on eBay (enormous discounted bag of mini Reese's) or put them away in a cupboard out of sight and rationed them - that jar of mini eggs is still on top of the cupboard and I forget they're even there! You could do 2/3 of a pot (or eat them in halves?) with toppings and blog about it so you don't feel guilty, then give some away and put them away in a cupboard to just have now and then.. honestly all you need to do is NOT PANIC, once some time has passed and you realise that they aren't causing anything disastrous to happen they will seem far less scary! I just so feel for you on this <3
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i remember your mini eggs dilemma! haha it's such a mixed feeling isn't it, like omg yay look what i got!! but then this looming sense of doom
they're both great ideas - i hadn't really considered selling them until sydney also suggested it above! but yeah they're safely away in the cupboard. tbh im not worried about binging on them it's more the fact i have to post about them on insta so i have the pressure to fit them in often? like the brand made it very clear in PMs to me that they wanted me to post about them
thanks so much for all the logical advice, im feeling a lot better about them today i think i was just a bit panicked yesterday haha! that's definitely what i'll do, try all the flavours probably in the coming week or so to post about but then no pressure to rush the rest, n will share with my mum n sis c:
thank u <333
Shrinking_blutengel, on 10 Jun 2017 - 03:15 AM, said:
so sorry you´ve been feeling low today. remember that you should take things in a pace that you feel ok with and not cause anxiety just because of others expectations. baby steps you know. hope things will get better for you soon
thank u so much for this <3 <3
watershipdown, on 10 Jun 2017 - 07:02 AM, said:
im sure u can share out the porridge w/ ur family n stuff!! porridge for everyone ! maybe send some to friends in food swaps too?? u dont have to eat it all, n other ppl will be greatful for it so its really fine
w/ the money thing i think its just student life
hope u feel better soon!
yeah you're totally right!! think i was just a bit panicked yesterday haha
thank u <333
yeah for sure, student life sucks! im quite in the middle of nowhere which is why i was hoping for my former job back as its one of the few places in bikeable distance, there rlly isnt a lot around u_u haha that's rad!! a cafe job sounds adorable aw
you're right i think i'm gonna just go in n talk to them n act rlly keen so they take me back hahaha
thank u sm <333
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Posted 10 June 2017 - 03:18 PM
saturday, 10th june
yknow what the 10th of june means?? official year anniversary of hitting my ugw!! omg haha, i didnt realise til last night but yeah a year ago today i weighed in to see i'd reached my goal n started my journey to maintenance so proud of how this year has gone tbh, i thought it'd be a lot more up n down honestly like i never envisioned i'd be able to maintain as smoothly as i have done
it does make me question whether this thread is redundant but honestly i think the thread helps me a lot n ily guys n i think ppl still enjoy my food pics? so im just gonna keep posting until i feel like stopping, whenever that may be (there is no sign of it happening any time soon haha)
for breakfast i had 3/4 of a coconut protein porridge pot with raspberries n coconut choc shot (341) the porridge pot was actually really nice haha, so that's reassuring in terms of getting through them all! it was like ready brek texture but i rlly liked it!! although my mum was in the room when i was weighing a quarter to put in the bin n agreed it was a bit of a waste whoops
she tried a chocolate flavour one n said it was tasty too!!
lunch from pret was a hoisin duck wrap (457)
late dinner was a salmon linguine ready meal (440)
post-dinner was 3 mini banoffee brownie bites!! (164) i saw these in co-op the other day n was so excited bc bananas n brownies are like my two fav things but didnt get them as my dad was buying, but today i was with my mum n she got them for me <333 they weren't as good as they couldve been tbh the brownie was good but the banana flavour was super synthetic :c
also tried some of these lil chocolate coated marshmallows (111) they're so tasty!! n are gonna be so amazing on porridge omg
total: 1522 / tdee ~1736
thank u so much to everyone who replied lovely things after my update yesterday <3
today has been much better on a whole! i still felt quite low at points but my mum helped cheer me up
i slept a solid 10 hours n woke up quite late, weather was lame so my mum suggested we finally bleached my roots (they were like 5-6 inches long at this point lol my fringe was almost entirely brown n i've been hating it passionately) so yay, missed a few bits so had to go over some tonight but my hair is now a terrible yellow n blue mess ready to be dyed over tomorrow morning ! i only have like half a pot of blue dye but randomly found 2 pots of purple so im gonna do it purple n see what happens, the top should go full purple n the bottom will be purple dyed over turquoise so idk, hoping i'll have mermaid vibes. absolutely cannot wait to have half decent hair again, i've been hating mine for a while now
apart from that we just went shopping n stuff n then me n my mum semi spontaneously went to the gym tonight which was nice, like spending time with my mum c: got out fairly late though n knew there wasnt much food in so went home via co-op hence ready meal dinner haha
tomorrow i'm gonna dye my hair n then me n my parents are gonna go to a local street fair type thing, idk what itll consist of or how good it'll be but it's something to do haha
can u believe its been a year since i reached my gw? i sure cant haha
hope everyones having a good weekend so far
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Posted 10 June 2017 - 04:00 PM
chocolatemilk, on 10 Jun 2017 - 2:51 PM, said:
Ahhh I see thank you!! Hope everything works out with the porridge and you shouldn't feel too stressed about finishing them all - they sent you free samples they're not paying you to promote them or anything so you're not obligated to eat them all <3ahh u got a fitbit! that's so cool c:
n the app its under the lil flame symbol, but it updates throughout the day predicting how much you've burnt so far rather than show the total daily number, so to see the full days tdee ive been checking after midnight the previous days number if that makes sense <3
Congratulations on the anniversary of your ugw!! You've been doing so well, and I'm certainly enjoying the food pics don't worry 👌
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Posted 10 June 2017 - 04:05 PM
Walnutbread, on 10 Jun 2017 - 4:00 PM, said:
Ahhh I see thank you!! Hope everything works out with the porridge and you shouldn't feel too stressed about finishing them all - they sent you free samples they're not paying you to promote them or anything so you're not obligated to eat them all <3
no problem! ah thank u <33 tbh through PM they did basically say that they want me to post about them in return c': but ty for the reassurance, you're right i dont need to eat them all!! i posted about them today so feel like im cool to eat something different tomorrow! <3
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Posted 10 June 2017 - 04:24 PM
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Posted 18 June 2017 - 09:52 AM
So this is gonna sound a little crazy but I just read through your entire accountability... all. 208. pages. (it took like a week of scrolling when I was bored lol) The fact that you got to your gw and maintained for so long gives me hope that i can do the same haha. We also have a similar age/height/starting weight/gw! Although I'm quite far from my gw at the moment, lol. Also like, YOUR OATMEAL ZOMG. literally inspiring, you are the oatmeal queen.
Anyway yeah I'm usually a lurker but after reading all of it I felt like I had to post something bahaha, you're actual goals and I hope you have a good day!
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Posted 18 June 2017 - 10:31 AM
chocolatemilk, on 17 Jun 2017 - 2:56 PM, said:
saturday, 17th june
good food day today man, everything was so nice
breakfast was mocha porridge with latte flavour greek yoghurt n choc shot (329)
for late lunch sat out in the sun me n my mum split a pizza express pollo ad astra pizza with roasted veggies on the side (399)
snacked on this freakin amazing choc pb protein bar (239) it was kinda unplanned/was gnna have a smaller snack so i felt a bit bad but then i got over it
dinner was scampi with homemade potato wedges n broccoli (404) this was perf
n post-dinner choc brownie mars bar!! (181) the last one (it was a 4-pack n i gave my mum n sister one each), i wanna buy more omg
total: 1552 / tdee ~1641
✧・ﾟ: *✧・ﾟ:* bonus pics!! ✧・ﾟ: *✧・ﾟ:*
I made her a flower crown and she hated it haha
after a couple washes the blue is coming through in my hair now
i'm not fully comfortable wearing vests bc of the lumpy scars near my shoulder, but i'm tryin to get over it n my mum said the sun will help them anyways, which is probs true!
✧・ﾟ: *✧・ﾟ:* *:・ﾟ✧*:・ﾟ✧
so today was nice! in the morning I went to the gym with my mum, didn't burn a great deal (250) bc i dont get along as well with the gym machines here, the crosstrainer feels so unnatural I find it rlly hard to get in the rhythm x_x but we also went in the pool n I swam for like 10 mins too haha (probs tired me out more than gym so i logged it on mfp haha), and we went in the steam room n hot tub! also we've sorted me out a 6 week gym membership so I can go for the next 6 weeks yay
once we got home we ate lunch outside in the sun then did a lil gardening c:
my dad is still being moody n weird with me. he hasn't spoken to me all day, the last he spoke to me was calling me an arsehole last night lol. then he spent most of tonight in the other room again rather than sat with us :/ I bought him a lemon drizzle cake from co-op for fathers day tomorrow bc i dont have much money to spend on a proper present but wanted to get a little something, but now i kinda don't wanna give it to him haha, hopefully he'll be back to normal tomorrow idk man, i hate petty lil disagreements but i feel like i want him to break the silence not me
idk the plan for tomorrow, me n my mum talked about a walk n possibly a picnic but i kinda forgot its fathers day so we'll be doing whatever he wants i guess. it literally just dawned on me now that i'm typing this that he could want to go eat out? oh god, hadn't even occurred
i'm sure it'll be fine anyways
hope everyone is well n it's been as sunny there as it has been here
Your food looks amazing! Partic that PhD smart protein bar - def need to try one of these!
Your hair looks great too btw!
i can't colour my hair cause of my job lol, but would love either the blue or purple - I loved your mums blonde and purple too in the prev post I hope your dad is back to normal today, esp where it Father's Day - family tension is never great, but does kinda sound like he could be a bit more considerate around your ed issues, given that he knows about them u.u hope alls ok tho xx#4163
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Posted 18 June 2017 - 01:15 PM
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Posted 18 June 2017 - 02:05 PM
tiramisu, on 18 Jun 2017 - 09:52 AM, said:
So this is gonna sound a little crazy but I just read through your entire accountability... all. 208. pages.
Anyway yeah I'm usually a lurker but after reading all of it I felt like I had to post something bahaha, you're actual goals and I hope you have a good day!
aw wow thank u so much! i cant believe ppl are managing to read the whole thing, seriously so impressed c':
thank u so much, i really hope you can get here too <3 good luck with ur goals!
& tysm haha, oats are my fav n im honoured by that title c': <3333
thank you, you too!! xx
ps i love ur icon! animal crossing is the best do you play new leaf?
Hazelw, on 18 Jun 2017 - 10:31 AM, said:
Your food looks amazing! Partic that PhD smart protein bar - def need to try one of these!
Your hair looks great too btw!
ah it was! n yes you do
thanks so much c: n man that sucks! i'm lucky i'm just a student n have only done bar work so i've had my bright hair for like 5 years c':
he's still been a bit weird but i'm kinda over it haha, he's being pathetic at this point. hopefully it'll be back to normal soon though, thank you xxx
Spoony, on 18 Jun 2017 - 1:15 PM, said:
I tried the raspberry chocolate flavour of those Smart bars and found the taste a little off and artificial. Would have to say Carb Killas are better! Have you ever tried FitJoy bars? I love the cinnamon roll flavour. Only flavour I dislike is chocolate brownie, I don't know how you can mess up such a basic flavour but they manage to lol.
ooo really? so far i've only heard good things but will bear that in mind, thank u! luckily i dont rlly mind artificial flavours so maybe i'll like it haha
i've never tried a fitjoy bar but theyre on my list!! i hardly ever eat protein bars anymore bc of the price - i ate the most whilst restricting bc i didnt spend much else on food at all haha, my mum bought me this smart bar c':
but if i manage to sort out a job n get some more money i'll probably try fitjoy bars next
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Posted 18 June 2017 - 02:37 PM
sunday, 18th june
breakfast was raspberry egg white porridge with mini marshmallows n chocolate coated marshmallows!! (352)
the chocolate coated marshmallows were sent to me by the lovely @umbreon n are freakin amazing tysm sarah
another al fresco lunch in the sun ~ mexican pork stir fry wrap (386)
this was the inside:
snacked on the most perfectly ripe lil flat peach (37) along with unpictured 2 x 5g bag of egg white chirps (39)
another snack ~ skinny latte flavour greek style yoghurt (108) this was post-walk bc i walked more than anticipated haha
dinner was tomato n chilli tricolore pasta with mushrooms, veggie sausage, spinach n topped with a soft cheese triangle (437) full fat laughing cow triangle rather than the light ones!!
post dinner pt 1 ~ the best oreos (210)
post dinner pt 2 ~ nutella b-ready (96)
total: 1673 / tdee ~1800
today was another ridiculously hot day in the uk! so weird
as i didn't have much planned i decided to atleast make sure my step count was somewhat decent so ended the day on just shy of 13k steps it was super hot out walking though haha
its fathers day n my dad is still acting weird n grumpy. i gave him the lil cake i bought n he didnt say much, oh well, i feel like its nearly over bc i briefly spoke to him just now tonight, but he has been so weird today still. my mum told me when she asked him what he wanted to do today he said nothing bc "me and emma haven't really been talking so wouldn't be much fun" so im the reason we didnt do anything for fathers day woo ! cba man, he can be rlly childish like im still semi waiting for an apology for him calling me an arsehole the other evening after i was awkward with food but it's like he doesn't even think about whats going through other ppls brains *eyeroll*
sorry for ranting, i do think its nearly over purely bc i cba anymore so im just gonna act normal now i think
tomorrow is meant to be hot again so will probs go walk some more, play animal crossing, then go gym n swim in the evening with my mum! i still haven't had a call about cute café trial shift but i'm hoping it's just bc its been a busy weekend n he'll call in the week, i really want it
now im going to prep cinnamon pear overnight oats bc its been too long!!
seeya
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Posted 18 June 2017 - 03:06 PM
chocolatemilk, on 18 Jun 2017 - 2:05 PM, said:
aw wow thank u so much! i cant believe ppl are managing to read the whole thing, seriously so impressed c':
thank u so much, i really hope you can get here too <3 good luck with ur goals!
& tysm haha, oats are my fav n im honoured by that title c': <3333
thank you, you too!! xx
ps i love ur icon! animal crossing is the best
Thank you!! c: I've loved animal crossing for years <3 I don't have new leaf bc I don't have the nintendo 3DS, tbh the only reason I'd buy it is solely to play animal crossing hahaha so I haven't been able to justify the price, I'm also pretty busy during the school year and don't know how much I would play </3 one of these days might just splurge on it anyway, we'll see
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Posted 18 June 2017 - 03:15 PM
tiramisu, on 18 Jun 2017 - 3:06 PM, said:
Thank you!! c: I've loved animal crossing for years <3 I don't have new leaf bc I don't have the nintendo 3DS, tbh the only reason I'd buy it is solely to play animal crossing hahaha so I haven't been able to justify the price, I'm also pretty busy during the school year and don't know how much I would play </3 one of these days might just splurge on it anyway, we'll see
i love it too sm <3 aw man thats too bad! i basically saved up n bought my 3DS for new leaf tbh c': i feel like it was kinda worth it for the amount of time i've put into it, it's such a rad game! but yeah it is pricey if u don't think you'd play anything else </3 i guess you could look into cheaper second hand ones or something, idk
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Posted 18 June 2017 - 03:45 PM
Do you have an actual fitbit or do you just have the app? I just have the app and I'm struggling to get it to properly count my steps unless I literally always set it to say I'm exercising :/
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Posted 18 June 2017 - 04:44 PM
legalvegan, on 18 Jun 2017 - 3:45 PM, said:
Do you have an actual fitbit or do you just have the app?
i just have the app, that's super weird n annoying :/ mine is set to sync with mobile track, the built-in step tracker on iphone, so it gives the same step count as it says on my iphone 'health' app or other steps apps
idk what to suggest except to make sure it's syncing with mobile track under the account settings
i hope u can figure it out!
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Posted 18 June 2017 - 04:52 PM
chocolatemilk, on 18 Jun 2017 - 3:15 PM, said:
i love it too sm <3 aw man thats too bad! i basically saved up n bought my 3DS for new leaf tbh c': i feel like it was kinda worth it for the amount of time i've put into it, it's such a rad game! but yeah it is pricey if u don't think you'd play anything else </3 i guess you could look into cheaper second hand ones or something, idk
lol yeah I'm starting to really consider it, I really miss it! the ones on ebay aren't too bad, I'm quite the impulse buyer so now that I have a job again I will probably get one soon c:
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Posted 18 June 2017 - 04:55 PM
chocolatemilk, on 18 Jun 2017 - 4:44 PM, said:
i just have the app, that's super weird n annoying :/ mine is set to sync with mobile track, the built-in step tracker on iphone, so it gives the same step count as it says on my iphone 'health' app or other steps apps
idk what to suggest except to make sure it's syncing with mobile track under the account settings
i hope u can figure it out!
Oh right!! I'm on android so maybe that's why? I'll try and find a different step counter instead, thank you! <3
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Posted 18 June 2017 - 07:31 PM
Sorry about ur dad being petty. If he comes to u and actually talks to u I feel like u should try and explain like what I said on discord the other day. But like no need 4 u to go to him first if he's not talking to u lol.
Glad it's nice and sunny there I'm jel!
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Posted 18 June 2017 - 08:34 PM
Dads man, dads. They say upsetting crap all the time and you just have to get over it but when they get into a snit!
Sorry you didn't get to celebrate father's day properly but clearly not your fault! Hope he comes around soon.
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Posted 18 June 2017 - 10:58 PM
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Posted 19 June 2017 - 06:16 AM
tiramisu, on 18 Jun 2017 - 4:52 PM, said:
lol yeah I'm starting to really consider it, I really miss it! the ones on ebay aren't too bad, I'm quite the impulse buyer so now that I have a job again I will probably get one soon c:
aw if you do get it lemme know so we can play! its such a good game i would definitely recommend c:
legalvegan, on 18 Jun 2017 - 4:55 PM, said:
Oh right!! I'm on android so maybe that's why? I'll try and find a different step counter instead, thank you!
ahh maybe, i cant rlly help with android! im sure you could ask around the forum or google it though before finding a different app, bc the fitbit one is rlly good c': <3
peanutbutter., on 18 Jun 2017 - 7:31 PM, said:
Ahh I've just seen those Oreos here! Last time I saw them was when I was living in Spain and terrified of buying them and binging but I wanna get them now u say they're as good as they look ☺
Sorry about ur dad being petty. If he comes to u and actually talks to u I feel like u should try and explain like what I said on discord the other day. But like no need 4 u to go to him first if he's not talking to u lol.
Glad it's nice and sunny there I'm jel!
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omg definitely get them they're so good! i first tried them in spain actually haha, n theyre rad so ive been on the hunt for them in the uk n found them in a turkish store that has a lotta european imports
thank you <3 yeah for sure, he's been more normal today so i guess he's decided to give up being petty idk
agh its too hot man, like 30 outside n going out walking is horrible x_x haha our weather is so weird, it'd be lovely at like 25 but nope has to be either 15 or 30 c':
nocturne, on 18 Jun 2017 - 8:34 PM, said:
Dads man, dads. They say upsetting crap all the time and you just have to get over it but when they get into a snit!
Sorry you didn't get to celebrate father's day properly but clearly not your fault! Hope he comes around soon.
i know right!
thank u <3 he seems to be more normal today so that's good, but also kinda sucks that he won't acknowledge being insensitive lol
Spoony, on 18 Jun 2017 - 10:58 PM, said:
It's your Dad who is out of line here, not you! I'm so sorry you're having to put up with this. I said it before, my Dad is the same. Even when he wasn't outright being an asshole, he'd always manage to trigger me. Like telling me he was jealous of my self control when I starved myself down to 80lbs! And eating my safe food. Just don't become bulimic, because that's when my Dad became a super asshole...
thank u spoony <3
im sorry you gotta go through that with your dad, it rlly sucks ugh i cant believe he'd say that u_u i hope u dont let it bother you too much. i feel like its just the combo of not understanding but also not being empathetic like my mum doesnt rlly understand but is still empathetic n lovely whilst my dad just thinks i choose to be weird (why would i wanna be this awkward n obsessive lol)
sucks man
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Posted 19 June 2017 - 02:53 PM
breakfast was cinnamon pear overnight oats (361)
lunch was a toasted cinnamon raisin bagel with peanut butter (365)
snack in the sun was coconut + macadamia protein balls (177) these were yum!
quick dinner was a soya mince n kidney bean quesadilla with salsa n spinach (390)
post-gym i had a lil bowl of porridge topped with a reeses xmas tree! (298)
total: 1619 / tdee ~1800
more beige food today haha, whoops
today just consisted of animal crossing, a lil walk (was too hot so didnt stay out long haha), some reading in the sun n a lil gym sesh, it's been a good day overall
kinda random but feel like putting some of my thoughts out there ~ the past week or so i've been thinking about my ED and i've come to the conclusion that i know deep down my endgame goal is recovery n i do want that one day, but as ive mentioned i currently am not really in the mindset or happy enough with myself, i've said before something has to change first. that being said i'm still up for challenging ED a bit more like after having unknown calories i always say something like "this is gonna be a regular thing!!" and then it just isn't bc i don't see any reason to push myself, so yeah i guess i wanna start tackling some fears on my own without any real/proper reason to other than that it'd be a good thing to do n will help me enjoy life more lol
my two major nopes i wanna tackle a bit are unknown calories n liquid calories, mainly alcohol/getting drunk bc i can live without other liquid cals tbh
so i just wanna put it out there in writing that i wanna start challenging myself more n next time scary opportunities like this come up im gonna try to take them up! will keep u updated on that
tomorrow i'm meeting up with my best friend from school who i suck at staying in touch with so haven't seen properly since last yr (i bumped into her on thursday in town n we decided to organise something!!) think we'll just be mooching around town n getting coffee somewhere n having a catch up which should be fun!
she's vegan so if we get lunch it'll be somewhere that caters for vegans so likely fine, but could well end up just getting coffees anyway, we'll see what happens
think that's about all i had to report
ciao!
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Posted 19 June 2017 - 03:11 PM
I just need to ask- how do you make your overnight oats? They look so delicious ^.^ x
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Posted 19 June 2017 - 03:49 PM
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Posted 20 June 2017 - 12:52 AM
So what is recovery about? It's about choosing life and people over the number on the scale. It's about realising that there are dozens of things about our lives that we are probably not happy about. I wish I had more money. A nicer house. More friends. More responsibility at work. I wish I went out more. Travelled more. I am sure you have many wishes of your own. Why do we focus all our energy on one particular wish (I wish I looked a certain way) and ignore everything else? Imagine if we put as much effort into improving all areas of our lives?
Recovery is not about weight gain and "giving up" on our ideal bodies. It's about just adjusting the amount of time we spend on worrying about our bodies so we can live full lives.
Normal people watch what they eat and exercise. Sometimes they get heavier then they want and they make effort to lose weight. It's a normal thing to care about your weight and appearance to a certain extent.
I think trying to have more unknown calories is a great idea. But remember that it is not about the food. It's not about becoming ok with gaining weight. It's about choosing to get out there and live instead of staying trapped by our "safety" mechanisms and living in our heads.
By all means go for unknown calories. But go for them in a way that matters. Say yes to nights out and don't count drinks. Say yes to a weekend away where you can't control TDEE and intake. Say yes to a piece of your friends birthday cake. Because it's not about the food at all, it's about you saying "I'm busy living right now so I'm not going to overanalyse everything and try to have control over every detail. I trust I make good decisions and can enjoy my life."
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Posted 20 June 2017 - 01:21 AM
Spoony, on 20 Jun 2017 - 12:52 AM, said:
God this is so spot on - I often think "recovery" just basically equals gaining a lot of weight but it doesn't necessarily - it's just prioritising life when life calls for it and not having to control/know every last detail of intake. You can still have a healthy overall intake and not overeatFor me wanting to recover has nothing to do with being happy with my body. Recovery is not a guarantee that you will be happy with yourself. Most non eating disordered people also dislike their bodies and work to change them. Jeez you should hear the girls in my office and their constant fucking diet talk.
So what is recovery about? It's about choosing life and people over the number on the scale. It's about realising that there are dozens of things about our lives that we are probably not happy about. I wish I had more money. A nicer house. More friends. More responsibility at work. I wish I went out more. Travelled more. I am sure you have many wishes of your own. Why do we focus all our energy on one particular wish (I wish I looked a certain way) and ignore everything else? Imagine if we put as much effort into improving all areas of our lives?
Recovery is not about weight gain and "giving up" on our ideal bodies. It's about just adjusting the amount of time we spend on worrying about our bodies so we can live full lives.
Normal people watch what they eat and exercise. Sometimes they get heavier then they want and they make effort to lose weight. It's a normal thing to care about your weight and appearance to a certain extent.
I think trying to have more unknown calories is a great idea. But remember that it is not about the food. It's not about becoming ok with gaining weight. It's about choosing to get out there and live instead of staying trapped by our "safety" mechanisms and living in our heads.
By all means go for unknown calories. But go for them in a way that matters. Say yes to nights out and don't count drinks. Say yes to a weekend away where you can't control TDEE and intake. Say yes to a piece of your friends birthday cake. Because it's not about the food at all, it's about you saying "I'm busy living right now so I'm not going to overanalyse everything and try to have control over every detail. I trust I make good decisions and can enjoy my life."
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Posted 20 June 2017 - 01:43 AM
rogue robot, on 20 Jun 2017 - 01:21 AM, said:
Don't get me wrong though - being underweight very often is bad for quality of life.God this is so spot on - I often think "recovery" just basically equals gaining weight but it doesn't necessarily - it's just prioritising life when life calls for it and not having to control/know every last detail of intake. You can still have a healthy overall intake and not overeat
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Posted 20 June 2017 - 02:20 AM
Spoony, on 20 Jun 2017 - 12:52 AM, said:
For me wanting to recover has nothing to do with being happy with my body. Recovery is not a guarantee that you will be happy with yourself. Most non eating disordered people also dislike their bodies and work to change them. Jeez you should hear the girls in my office and their constant fucking diet talk.
So what is recovery about? It's about choosing life and people over the number on the scale. It's about realising that there are dozens of things about our lives that we are probably not happy about. I wish I had more money. A nicer house. More friends. More responsibility at work. I wish I went out more. Travelled more. I am sure you have many wishes of your own. Why do we focus all our energy on one particular wish (I wish I looked a certain way) and ignore everything else? Imagine if we put as much effort into improving all areas of our lives?
Recovery is not about weight gain and "giving up" on our ideal bodies. It's about just adjusting the amount of time we spend on worrying about our bodies so we can live full lives.
Normal people watch what they eat and exercise. Sometimes they get heavier then they want and they make effort to lose weight. It's a normal thing to care about your weight and appearance to a certain extent.
I think trying to have more unknown calories is a great idea. But remember that it is not about the food. It's not about becoming ok with gaining weight. It's about choosing to get out there and live instead of staying trapped by our "safety" mechanisms and living in our heads.
By all means go for unknown calories. But go for them in a way that matters. Say yes to nights out and don't count drinks. Say yes to a weekend away where you can't control TDEE and intake. Say yes to a piece of your friends birthday cake. Because it's not about the food at all, it's about you saying "I'm busy living right now so I'm not going to overanalyse everything and try to have control over every detail. I trust I make good decisions and can enjoy my life."
Wow. I think you just described recovery perfectly. I really enjoyed reading this thank you
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Posted 20 June 2017 - 02:52 AM
Spoony, on 20 Jun 2017 - 01:43 AM, said:
Don't get me wrong though - being underweight very often is bad for quality of life.
I hear ya.
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Posted 20 June 2017 - 02:54 AM
Spoony, on 20 Jun 2017 - 12:52 AM, said:
For me wanting to recover has nothing to do with being happy with my body. Recovery is not a guarantee that you will be happy with yourself. Most non eating disordered people also dislike their bodies and work to change them. Jeez you should hear the girls in my office and their constant fucking diet talk.
So what is recovery about? It's about choosing life and people over the number on the scale. It's about realising that there are dozens of things about our lives that we are probably not happy about. I wish I had more money. A nicer house. More friends. More responsibility at work. I wish I went out more. Travelled more. I am sure you have many wishes of your own. Why do we focus all our energy on one particular wish (I wish I looked a certain way) and ignore everything else? Imagine if we put as much effort into improving all areas of our lives?
Recovery is not about weight gain and "giving up" on our ideal bodies. It's about just adjusting the amount of time we spend on worrying about our bodies so we can live full lives.
Normal people watch what they eat and exercise. Sometimes they get heavier then they want and they make effort to lose weight. It's a normal thing to care about your weight and appearance to a certain extent.
I think trying to have more unknown calories is a great idea. But remember that it is not about the food. It's not about becoming ok with gaining weight. It's about choosing to get out there and live instead of staying trapped by our "safety" mechanisms and living in our heads.
By all means go for unknown calories. But go for them in a way that matters. Say yes to nights out and don't count drinks. Say yes to a weekend away where you can't control TDEE and intake. Say yes to a piece of your friends birthday cake. Because it's not about the food at all, it's about you saying "I'm busy living right now so I'm not going to overanalyse everything and try to have control over every detail. I trust I make good decisions and can enjoy my life."
omg, everyone should read this ^
thank you so much for this comment, I really couldn't have put it better myself and fully agree with everything you wrote
I fully agree it's not to do with your body/weight - honestly I don't think my ED generally is tbh, I think it boils down to control n i'm sure many others are the same. the thing that holds me back from recovery I guess is the idea that it might make me lose control (binge and balloon), and it's also like, i'm this weight atm n have proved I can maintain it, so gaining would make me a lazy failure (?) i'm aware it's stupid ED logic but yeah, the part about gaining to a healthy weight doesn't really worry me as much as how it might affect me mentally or cause more ED behaviours. it's also just really hard to let go of the thing that's been your coping method n crutch i suppose
also totally agree normal non-ED people care about their weight and might go on diets, I was one of them pre-ED haha I was never really happy and went on a lot of fad diets but at the end of the day long term I was a lot more carefree and my weight wasn't the be all and end all - if I was on a diet and there was a special occasion or something for example, I wouldn't think twice about going out and enjoying a lovely restaurant meal. because there should be more to life than this, other things are more important
your part really got me about wondering why we don't put as much effort into our other goals and place all importance onto this weight related one. this sounds pathetic but i feel like losing weight and maintaining has been my biggest achievement (hence another reason im scared to gain) and I worry that i'm not gonna achieve much else, but if u think about it it's such a bad mindset to have bc channelling all my energy into maintaining an underweight bmi is gonna make more more unlikely to achieve anything else.
if i still have this mindset come september i really think i'm gonna reconsider and probably try to prioritise doing well in my final year of uni over maintaining. it's scary to type that even haha, but i know it'd be the best idea and a few more years down the line I think i'd thank myself for it - i'd rather get a grade i'm happy with and potentially gain a little than keep focussing on maintaining 95 and maybe miss out on doing as well as I could
the whole unknown calories thing I totally agree with you too - the reason I hone in on them is bc I recognise it's one of the main things that holds me back from being able to fully enjoy life. i'm 20 freakin years old and my social life is pretty much dead, i've been invited out to things and turned them down due to being scared about the food/drink and it got to the point where they stopped inviting me. EDs are isolating and i feel like it makes me push ppl away and as a student who lives away from home during term time it can get kinda lonely. it's the same with alcohol calories, i turn down so many nights out but i think nights out are a main way young ppl get to bond idk, i know in the past I really enjoyed them but ED just completely ruined it for me and now i'd always opt for staying in alone n eating my safe food
sorry for this long rambly reply just to say I agree haha, it's helped me to type out some of this stuff so please don't feel obliged to reply again to this. it rlly helps for someone else to clarify what deep down i think i knew, but you've really made me think and i feel like this is gonna be on my mind all day now c':
thanks again for the amazing comment <3
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Posted 20 June 2017 - 03:00 AM
Spoony, on 20 Jun 2017 - 01:43 AM, said:
Don't get me wrong though - being underweight very often is bad for quality of life.
again I totally agree
there's the physical signs that your body isn't happy but I also think for someone who has an ED n that's the reason they're underweight, I don't think we're ever gonna be remotely free of ED whilst being underweight. i've read a lot of stats n stuff about recovery being so much more successful if the person gets over bmi 21 for example, bc whilst we're still making our bodies be anything less than their natural (set point) weight, we're just allowing ED to stay alive a little bit in our brain, ready to claw its way back up at any point I guess
aswell as the fact from what i've gathered the physical side effects get worse with time so I think trying to maintain underweight indefinitely would probably cause some quite serious damage
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Posted 20 June 2017 - 03:05 AM
ghostED, on 19 Jun 2017 - 3:11 PM, said:
Although recovery seems kinda scary, you're going the right way! The fact that you can challenge yourself without anyone telling you to is amazing
I just need to ask- how do you make your overnight oats? They look so delicious ^.^ x
thank you! i haven't quite got there yet (usually I have to have some kinda reason to challenge) but i think i'm capable so defo something i'm gonna be working towards n trying c:
I mix oats, greek yoghurt and milk (I usually use almond but these ones were cashew milk), and usually also use chia seeds but don't have any atm so didn't on those ones, then just leave in the fridge overnight! my quantities for the cinnamon pear ones were 40g oats, 160g greek yoghurt, 100ml milk and I grated some pear inside n added cinnamon n sweetener! you can play with the quantities, I usually vary it depending on what toppings n stuff I wanna add, obviously more yoghurt n less liquid makes them come out thicker n vise versa
Heloise, on 19 Jun 2017 - 3:20 PM, said:
Your food always look so delicious!
And it's really great that you decided to challenge yourself! This way you can make more progress at your own pace
thank you!
& tysm, that rlly means a lot c:
coffee.cake, on 19 Jun 2017 - 3:49 PM, said:
that's literally what i tell myself every time "oh ill start to count calories loosely, ill eat more unknown foods / fears" but then i just cba aha but i really hope u do get to enjoy yourself and conquer them fears! c:
haha i'm the same, literally so many times have claimed in this thread i'm gonna do a weekly challenge or something and I just don't do it bc nothing is making me do it and its easier to not? which totally sucks haha
tysm, I hope you can too <3
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Posted 20 June 2017 - 03:07 AM
i have a feeling you'll be okay in the end <3
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Posted 20 June 2017 - 04:06 AM
Spoony, on 20 Jun 2017 - 01:43 AM, said:
Don't get me wrong though - being underweight very often is bad for quality of life.
I'm really sorry if I completely skewed what you said to imply you don't need to gain weight to recover. The whole point is that becoming mentally healthy towards food means that it doesn't even matter. I'm sorry, what you said was so spot on and insightful and I feel like I said completely the wrong thing, putting the focus on still being able to be thin. Ugh
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Posted 20 June 2017 - 05:19 AM
chocolatemilk, on 20 Jun 2017 - 02:54 AM, said:
I just want to say that I relate to everything you say so much. My ED ruined my teenage years and now age 27 I am really behind socially, and I didn't pursue the education and career I would have done if I hadn't been so focused on my weight. Being skinny is basically the only thing I've achieved, and of course no-one actually cares about that and it doesn't even make me happy.omg, everyone should read this ^
thank you so much for this comment, I really couldn't have put it better myself and fully agree with everything you wrote
I fully agree it's not to do with your body/weight - honestly I don't think my ED generally is tbh, I think it boils down to control n i'm sure many others are the same. the thing that holds me back from recovery I guess is the idea that it might make me lose control (binge and balloon), and it's also like, i'm this weight atm n have proved I can maintain it, so gaining would make me a lazy failure (?) i'm aware it's stupid ED logic but yeah, the part about gaining to a healthy weight doesn't really worry me as much as how it might affect me mentally or cause more ED behaviours. it's also just really hard to let go of the thing that's been your coping method n crutch i suppose
also totally agree normal non-ED people care about their weight and might go on diets, I was one of them pre-ED haha I was never really happy and went on a lot of fad diets but at the end of the day long term I was a lot more carefree and my weight wasn't the be all and end all - if I was on a diet and there was a special occasion or something for example, I wouldn't think twice about going out and enjoying a lovely restaurant meal. because there should be more to life than this, other things are more important
your part really got me about wondering why we don't put as much effort into our other goals and place all importance onto this weight related one. this sounds pathetic but i feel like losing weight and maintaining has been my biggest achievement (hence another reason im scared to gain) and I worry that i'm not gonna achieve much else, but if u think about it it's such a bad mindset to have bc channelling all my energy into maintaining an underweight bmi is gonna make more more unlikely to achieve anything else.
if i still have this mindset come september i really think i'm gonna reconsider and probably try to prioritise doing well in my final year of uni over maintaining. it's scary to type that even haha, but i know it'd be the best idea and a few more years down the line I think i'd thank myself for it - i'd rather get a grade i'm happy with and potentially gain a little than keep focussing on maintaining 95 and maybe miss out on doing as well as I could
the whole unknown calories thing I totally agree with you too - the reason I hone in on them is bc I recognise it's one of the main things that holds me back from being able to fully enjoy life. i'm 20 freakin years old and my social life is pretty much dead, i've been invited out to things and turned them down due to being scared about the food/drink and it got to the point where they stopped inviting me. EDs are isolating and i feel like it makes me push ppl away and as a student who lives away from home during term time it can get kinda lonely. it's the same with alcohol calories, i turn down so many nights out but i think nights out are a main way young ppl get to bond idk, i know in the past I really enjoyed them but ED just completely ruined it for me and now i'd always opt for staying in alone n eating my safe food
sorry for this long rambly reply just to say I agree haha, it's helped me to type out some of this stuff so please don't feel obliged to reply again to this. it rlly helps for someone else to clarify what deep down i think i knew, but you've really made me think and i feel like this is gonna be on my mind all day now c':
thanks again for the amazing comment <3
If I could go back and change I would put effort into actually being someone and achieving stuff that matters. I'm trying to do it now. Please know that it's never too late. You can always change, it's just easier to tackle it earlier before it's too deep seated. At least you made it to uni, which is more than I did! You also do have friends, and uni is a great opportunity to make more. I know many people who didn't come out of their shell until later during uni, so you have time. All it takes is just starting to socialise a bit more and you'd be amazed at the difference it makes. Truly, being around other people normalises behaviour so much. Everyone has their shit, but wanting to have friends and be around others helps them keep stuff together a bit.
I really hope you can listen to your heart. Listen to the loneliness and reach out. Listen to what your heart says you want to do for work and hobbies. Don't ever let food and weight get in the way.
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Posted 20 June 2017 - 05:24 AM
chocolatemilk, on 20 Jun 2017 - 03:00 AM, said:
Being underweight definitely made me very unwell. A lot of it I didn't even realise until I was eating more and at a healthy weight. It was like all the lights coming back on.again I totally agree
there's the physical signs that your body isn't happy but I also think for someone who has an ED n that's the reason they're underweight, I don't think we're ever gonna be remotely free of ED whilst being underweight. i've read a lot of stats n stuff about recovery being so much more successful if the person gets over bmi 21 for example, bc whilst we're still making our bodies be anything less than their natural (set point) weight, we're just allowing ED to stay alive a little bit in our brain, ready to claw its way back up at any point I guess
aswell as the fact from what i've gathered the physical side effects get worse with time so I think trying to maintain underweight indefinitely would probably cause some quite serious damage
So health is one thing, but it's not just that. Do you have to do crazy things to maintain the weight you want? Does it stop you from doing stuff or socialising? Can you achieve your goals at this weight and do you feel good? Does staying at this weight take up an excessive amount of your time?
I don't think we should measure healthy weight on BMI alone. Maybe BMI 20 looks great on paper for you, but it's not until BMI 23 that you feel warm enough and have energy and are truly happy. Or maybe it's just a simple as BMI 20 taking you a lot of work to maintain, whereas BMI 23 might be effortless and allow you to actually enjoy life.
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Posted 20 June 2017 - 05:26 AM
rogue robot, on 20 Jun 2017 - 04:06 AM, said:
Noooo not at all, don't be daft. I got what you were saying. But let's just be honest that even though overall it's not really about weight, being underweight is still a problem.I'm really sorry if I completely skewed what you said to imply you don't need to gain weight to recover. The whole point is that becoming mentally healthy towards food means that it doesn't even matter. I'm sorry, what you said was so spot on and insightful and I feel like I said completely the wrong thing, putting the focus on still being able to be thin. Ugh
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Posted 20 June 2017 - 06:34 AM
Hey all, I want to chime in here.. being the.. errr.. ''elder'' and having an on again off again relationship with my ED for 21 years now.
Quickly for context.
I developed anorexia around age 17 and struggled with very severely until age 20 or so. I went from an already very low weight for my musculature (I was in a full time ballet school) of 105 pounds all the way to 75 lbs. Then I was Hospitalized, on a heart monitor for weeks, and almost died. then nutritionist, IP, therapy etc etc.. I tried really really really hard to recover but ANA brain is very very strong.. it took me years. Age 20 - 22 and finally by age 22 ED brain had let go.
My bmi went up to about 21 - 22 . I looked healthy, normal, extremely muscular and strong, my career skyrocketed .. all the dance jobs I had been refused because I was mentally unstable when anorexic, suddenly everyone wanted to hire me, I made friends, had boyfriends, I had a real life, unfortunately I never addressed the underlying issues, WHY I DEVELOPED anorexia in the first place, sure I was in a ballet school and there was pressure to be thin, but I was the only one in the school who ended up almost dying, the ballet school actually kicked me out so I could recover. lol.. they did take me back before I was ready to come back (around 85 lbs) but still.. ANYWAY, in therapy I never really got to the bottom of my ED, so although physically I was doing well.. i still felt the neeed to fill this void this desire to be other than myself, with something, so I started taking drugs and drinking.. then at 26 years old ED came back alongside I very severe drug addiction (co-morbidity as we know is quite common) so again two more years of hell trying to get clean and start eating again..
at 28 I go into rehab for drug addiction and look at the underlying causes of all this self inflicted destructive behaviour.. and also look at my co-dependency (with boyfriend) and work on that.. progress and ages 28 -35 were AMAZING the best of my entire life. Marriage, successful dance career, FREE from ED (or at least the free-est I've ever been) and I maintained a BMI of 20 or so and looked truly beautiful and alive. but more importantly i FELT ALIVE and present and succesful and peaceful..
then last year,.. idk but ED thinking slowly crept back in,.. I have been trying to fight it.. but guys .. it is hard..
So, ALL THIS TO SAY,
Chocolate milk. I hope you can do it. I hope you can have a real life. I hope you can have some lasting reprieve from this..
I promise you, that if you can get to the bottom of why you don't ''love yourself'' or why you are afraid of taking healthy risks (not about food but about university and your career and making friends and all that) if you can just focus on the REAL reasons why you are using food control as a solution .. if you can get to the bottom of this.. and free yourself and find true self love and courage, believe that you can achieve great things, that you are smart, talented, powerful, determined, focused, if you can let go of that voice that says you are lazy... then you will discover a sense of peace, joy, self assurance, and gratitude for yourself and for your life that you never ever thought would be possible.
I WISH THIS SO MUCH FOR YOU. If I could spare 20 year old me.. all the suffering of .. this... oh,
what you said here:
your part really got me about wondering why we don't put as much effort into our other goals and place all importance onto this weight related one. this sounds pathetic but i feel like losing weight and maintaining has been my biggest achievement (hence another reason im scared to gain) and I worry that i'm not gonna achieve much else,
the fear that you won't achieve much else.. is the ED voice speaking again.. please search to tap into that voice deep inside you that even though it is scared knows that if you focus on your other goals you can achieve them.
remember our ED's ARE OUR 'solutions' to the real problems. Our ED's MASK the real problems.. of lack of self love etc. until we let go of ED, we will never be able to look at the underlying causes.. because the ED covers up everything else..
ahh sorry this is so inappropriate and misplaced to put on your thread.. but fuck. it. .. i just couldn't help but write this all out.
I feel like at age 36.. and 21 years of this on again off again ED.. that I have experience to share, and wisdom and it is like.. my duty somehow to tell the real truth about all this. because I can clearly see it in others' threads.. it's just so much harder when looking at myself.
ouf.
ok I hope that this is ok on here. and let me know if you want me to delete it.
sending you love, courage, light, and faith that YOU CAN experience peace and joy if you are willing to change your priorities, thoughts, behaviours and actions.. it will take a lot a lot of work .. letting go of ED, is EXTREMELY difficult.. but once you get to the other side. .. you get to experience life.
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Posted 20 June 2017 - 06:41 AM
Spoony, on 20 Jun 2017 - 05:24 AM, said:
Being underweight definitely made me very unwell. A lot of it I didn't even realise until I was eating more and at a healthy weight. It was like all the lights coming back on.
So health is one thing, but it's not just that. Do you have to do crazy things to maintain the weight you want? Does it stop you from doing stuff or socialising? Can you achieve your goals at this weight and do you feel good? Does staying at this weight take up an excessive amount of your time?
I don't think we should measure healthy weight on BMI alone. Maybe BMI 20 looks great on paper for you, but it's not until BMI 23 that you feel warm enough and have energy and are truly happy. Or maybe it's just a simple as BMI 20 taking you a lot of work to maintain, whereas BMI 23 might be effortless and allow you to actually enjoy life.
Oh yeah and BMI isn't a good measure at all. Spoony is right
it is all about self talk, self love, and all the clichéd shit. Honestly it has nothing to do with WHAT weight or size you are.. but about HOW you see yourself and HOW you are with yourself, how you navigate the world,
do you like who you are and what you do with the minutes of your day, do you like how you think and how you spend your time if not, what would you change, is logging food and hanging out on MPA more important more of a daily priority than doing well at university ? and if so, can you let go and make the necessary changes. can you fight ED and recover? and do you need some help doing so? resources, people who have been through it before? that's what this is about.
my god I so wish it for you.
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Posted 20 June 2017 - 09:17 AM
chocolatemilk, on 20 Jun 2017 - 02:54 AM, said:
if i still have this mindset come september i really think i'm gonna reconsider and probably try to prioritise doing well in my final year of uni over maintaining. it's scary to type that even haha, but i know it'd be the best idea and a few more years down the line I think i'd thank myself for it - i'd rather get a grade i'm happy with and potentially gain a little than keep focussing on maintaining 95 and maybe miss out on doing as well as I could
the whole unknown calories thing I totally agree with you too - the reason I hone in on them is bc I recognise it's one of the main things that holds me back from being able to fully enjoy life. i'm 20 freakin years old and my social life is pretty much dead, i've been invited out to things and turned them down due to being scared about the food/drink and it got to the point where they stopped inviting me. EDs are isolating and i feel like it makes me push ppl away and as a student who lives away from home during term time it can get kinda lonely. it's the same with alcohol calories, i turn down so many nights out but i think nights out are a main way young ppl get to bond idk, i know in the past I really enjoyed them but ED just completely ruined it for me and now i'd always opt for staying in alone n eating my safe food
sorry for this long rambly reply just to say I agree haha, it's helped me to type out some of this stuff so please don't feel obliged to reply again to this. it rlly helps for someone else to clarify what deep down i think i knew, but you've really made me think and i feel like this is gonna be on my mind all day now c':
thanks again for the amazing comment <3
Focusing on third year could be a really good motivation to start working towards recovery
you'll have your uni grade forever after all! I try to use my job as motivation to recover when interesting stuff comes up, and channel my focus into that a bit more. I figure il have my career for ages, but maintaining my underweight bmi forever isn't really feasible.... it's easier said than done lol, but it helps! Esp if recovery is your end goal Also, totally random, but I found a protein powder in holland and Barrett that doesn't go all funny in the microwave when cooked with porridge! A brand called MissFits Nutrition - it makes such smooth porridge when mixed in with egg white oats before microwaving, yumma. Thought I would share this, after forgetting this morning that other protein powders often go all funny and separate in the microwave lol xx
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Posted 20 June 2017 - 09:32 AM
Tackling fears is seriously so cool tho bc you could make things sm easier for your mentality n not have to worry sm about unknown cals n whatnot
Also your food looks so delish like it kinda stops me from wanting to binge so I can have more of the cool things in the future cx
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Posted 20 June 2017 - 10:54 AM
watershipdown, on 20 Jun 2017 - 03:07 AM, said:
i have a feeling you'll be okay in the end <3
tysm <3 <3
Spoony, on 20 Jun 2017 - 05:19 AM, said:
I just want to say that I relate to everything you say so much. My ED ruined my teenage years and now age 27 I am really behind socially, and I didn't pursue the education and career I would have done if I hadn't been so focused on my weight. Being skinny is basically the only thing I've achieved, and of course no-one actually cares about that and it doesn't even make me happy.
If I could go back and change I would put effort into actually being someone and achieving stuff that matters. I'm trying to do it now. Please know that it's never too late. You can always change, it's just easier to tackle it earlier before it's too deep seated. At least you made it to uni, which is more than I did! You also do have friends, and uni is a great opportunity to make more. I know many people who didn't come out of their shell until later during uni, so you have time. All it takes is just starting to socialise a bit more and you'd be amazed at the difference it makes. Truly, being around other people normalises behaviour so much. Everyone has their shit, but wanting to have friends and be around others helps them keep stuff together a bit.
I really hope you can listen to your heart. Listen to the loneliness and reach out. Listen to what your heart says you want to do for work and hobbies. Don't ever let food and weight get in the way.
Spoony, on 20 Jun 2017 - 05:24 AM, said:
Being underweight definitely made me very unwell. A lot of it I didn't even realise until I was eating more and at a healthy weight. It was like all the lights coming back on.
So health is one thing, but it's not just that. Do you have to do crazy things to maintain the weight you want? Does it stop you from doing stuff or socialising? Can you achieve your goals at this weight and do you feel good? Does staying at this weight take up an excessive amount of your time?
I don't think we should measure healthy weight on BMI alone. Maybe BMI 20 looks great on paper for you, but it's not until BMI 23 that you feel warm enough and have energy and are truly happy. Or maybe it's just a simple as BMI 20 taking you a lot of work to maintain, whereas BMI 23 might be effortless and allow you to actually enjoy life.
totally right, i agree i dont think it rlly makes me happy either, definitely not as much as i imagined it would
im so glad youre focussing on trying to do better now, i wish you all the best in that! and you still have plenty of time left to enjoy without the stress of ED weighing u down, so pls dont feel bad about years you feel like you've lost - it's better to look forward to the future
tysm for the reassurance, totally feel that spending time with ppl can help normalise behaviour/thinking - i had that today even! spending the day with a friend and chatting to her just made me think about so many other things when usually i'm just thinking about food haha. and it's why i love spending time with my sister, like her normality rubs off on me haha
you're totally right
& agree with all the weight stuff too <3 i think in an ideal world we just wouldnt weigh ourselves n would concentrate on how we feel
dancingstardust35, on 20 Jun 2017 - 06:34 AM, said:
Hey all, I want to chime in here.. being the.. errr.. ''elder'' and having an on again off again relationship with my ED for 21 years now.
Quickly for context.
I developed anorexia around age 17 and struggled with very severely until age 20 or so. I went from an already very low weight for my musculature (I was in a full time ballet school) of 105 pounds all the way to 75 lbs. Then I was Hospitalized, on a heart monitor for weeks, and almost died. then nutritionist, IP, therapy etc etc.. I tried really really really hard to recover but ANA brain is very very strong.. it took me years. Age 20 - 22 and finally by age 22 ED brain had let go.
My bmi went up to about 21 - 22 . I looked healthy, normal, extremely muscular and strong, my career skyrocketed .. all the dance jobs I had been refused because I was mentally unstable when anorexic, suddenly everyone wanted to hire me, I made friends, had boyfriends, I had a real life, unfortunately I never addressed the underlying issues, WHY I DEVELOPED anorexia in the first place, sure I was in a ballet school and there was pressure to be thin, but I was the only one in the school who ended up almost dying, the ballet school actually kicked me out so I could recover. lol.. they did take me back before I was ready to come back (around 85 lbs) but still.. ANYWAY, in therapy I never really got to the bottom of my ED, so although physically I was doing well.. i still felt the neeed to fill this void this desire to be other than myself, with something, so I started taking drugs and drinking.. then at 26 years old ED came back alongside I very severe drug addiction (co-morbidity as we know is quite common) so again two more years of hell trying to get clean and start eating again..
at 28 I go into rehab for drug addiction and look at the underlying causes of all this self inflicted destructive behaviour.. and also look at my co-dependency (with boyfriend) and work on that.. progress and ages 28 -35 were AMAZING the best of my entire life. Marriage, successful dance career, FREE from ED (or at least the free-est I've ever been) and I maintained a BMI of 20 or so and looked truly beautiful and alive. but more importantly i FELT ALIVE and present and succesful and peaceful..
then last year,.. idk but ED thinking slowly crept back in,.. I have been trying to fight it.. but guys .. it is hard..
So, ALL THIS TO SAY,
Chocolate milk. I hope you can do it. I hope you can have a real life. I hope you can have some lasting reprieve from this..
I promise you, that if you can get to the bottom of why you don't ''love yourself'' or why you are afraid of taking healthy risks (not about food but about university and your career and making friends and all that) if you can just focus on the REAL reasons why you are using food control as a solution .. if you can get to the bottom of this.. and free yourself and find true self love and courage, believe that you can achieve great things, that you are smart, talented, powerful, determined, focused, if you can let go of that voice that says you are lazy... then you will discover a sense of peace, joy, self assurance, and gratitude for yourself and for your life that you never ever thought would be possible.
I WISH THIS SO MUCH FOR YOU. If I could spare 20 year old me.. all the suffering of .. this... oh,
what you said here:
your part really got me about wondering why we don't put as much effort into our other goals and place all importance onto this weight related one. this sounds pathetic but i feel like losing weight and maintaining has been my biggest achievement (hence another reason im scared to gain) and I worry that i'm not gonna achieve much else,
the fear that you won't achieve much else.. is the ED voice speaking again.. please search to tap into that voice deep inside you that even though it is scared knows that if you focus on your other goals you can achieve them.
remember our ED's ARE OUR 'solutions' to the real problems. Our ED's MASK the real problems.. of lack of self love etc. until we let go of ED, we will never be able to look at the underlying causes.. because the ED covers up everything else..
ahh sorry this is so inappropriate and misplaced to put on your thread.. but fuck. it. .. i just couldn't help but write this all out.
I feel like at age 36.. and 21 years of this on again off again ED.. that I have experience to share, and wisdom and it is like.. my duty somehow to tell the real truth about all this. because I can clearly see it in others' threads.. it's just so much harder when looking at myself.
ouf.
ok I hope that this is ok on here. and let me know if you want me to delete it.
sending you love, courage, light, and faith that YOU CAN experience peace and joy if you are willing to change your priorities, thoughts, behaviours and actions.. it will take a lot a lot of work .. letting go of ED, is EXTREMELY difficult.. but once you get to the other side. .. you get to experience life.
thank you so much for sharing your story, i'm so sorry for everything you've been through, and i really hope you continue to pursue recovery and can get back to a place of feeling completely free from ED thoughts, you really do deserve to be happy and free <3
thank you for being so lovely! i honestly dont know how to respond, obviously recovery is a terrifying thing but it means the world that ppl on here are so supportive and can understand. tbh, i dont really know why im like this so i guess trying to find the reason would be a bit tricky, ive always thought it might just be my personality - i've always gotten obsessive over things and i have a low self esteem so i figured these two things together mightve spurred it. but ive also had other coping methods in the past so its kinda like i always need a crutch for some reason, idk why
i wish all the best for you i really really do <3 thank you so much for the response and sorry idk what to say to give a lengthy one back, but it does really mean the world xxx
Hazelw, on 20 Jun 2017 - 09:17 AM, said:
Focusing on third year could be a really good motivation to start working towards recovery
Also, totally random, but I found a protein powder in holland and Barrett that doesn't go all funny in the microwave when cooked with porridge! A brand called MissFits Nutrition - it makes such smooth porridge when mixed in with egg white oats before microwaving, yumma. Thought I would share this, after forgetting this morning that other protein powders often go all funny and separate in the microwave lol xx
yeah it would i think, i think i'd definitely need a 'reason' for it n university seems like a good n definitely valid reason, too often this year i was prioritising going to the gym n stuff over doing uni work its dumb, i do wanna do well and youre right that a uni grade is forever whilst weight is just temporary
it's awesome you can use your job as a bit of a motivation to be more recovery orientated!! these things are so much more important than losing/maintaining a low weight
oo thanks for the tip! i'll have to check that out xxx
Ritzcrackerr, on 20 Jun 2017 - 09:32 AM, said:
Its rad you have recovery thoughts n mind n I totally get what you mean by you not being ready for it.
Tackling fears is seriously so cool tho bc you could make things sm easier for your mentality n not have to worry sm about unknown cals n whatnot
Also your food looks so delish like it kinda stops me from wanting to binge so I can have more of the cool things in the future cx
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tysm ritzy!! i really hope so
but i do have the feeling that we'll probably never feel ready for recovery so it could actually involve just taking the terrifying plunge at some point agh!
aw thank you haha <3
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Posted 20 June 2017 - 11:00 AM
dancingstardust35, on 20 Jun 2017 - 06:34 AM, said:
Hey all, I want to chime in here.. being the.. errr.. ''elder'' and having an on again off again relationship with my ED for 21 years now.
Quickly for context.
I developed anorexia around age 17 and struggled with very severely until age 20 or so. I went from an already very low weight for my musculature (I was in a full time ballet school) of 105 pounds all the way to 75 lbs. Then I was Hospitalized, on a heart monitor for weeks, and almost died. then nutritionist, IP, therapy etc etc.. I tried really really really hard to recover but ANA brain is very very strong.. it took me years. Age 20 - 22 and finally by age 22 ED brain had let go.
My bmi went up to about 21 - 22 . I looked healthy, normal, extremely muscular and strong, my career skyrocketed .. all the dance jobs I had been refused because I was mentally unstable when anorexic, suddenly everyone wanted to hire me, I made friends, had boyfriends, I had a real life, unfortunately I never addressed the underlying issues, WHY I DEVELOPED anorexia in the first place, sure I was in a ballet school and there was pressure to be thin, but I was the only one in the school who ended up almost dying, the ballet school actually kicked me out so I could recover. lol.. they did take me back before I was ready to come back (around 85 lbs) but still.. ANYWAY, in therapy I never really got to the bottom of my ED, so although physically I was doing well.. i still felt the neeed to fill this void this desire to be other than myself, with something, so I started taking drugs and drinking.. then at 26 years old ED came back alongside I very severe drug addiction (co-morbidity as we know is quite common) so again two more years of hell trying to get clean and start eating again..
at 28 I go into rehab for drug addiction and look at the underlying causes of all this self inflicted destructive behaviour.. and also look at my co-dependency (with boyfriend) and work on that.. progress and ages 28 -35 were AMAZING the best of my entire life. Marriage, successful dance career, FREE from ED (or at least the free-est I've ever been) and I maintained a BMI of 20 or so and looked truly beautiful and alive. but more importantly i FELT ALIVE and present and succesful and peaceful..
then last year,.. idk but ED thinking slowly crept back in,.. I have been trying to fight it.. but guys .. it is hard..
So, ALL THIS TO SAY,
Chocolate milk. I hope you can do it. I hope you can have a real life. I hope you can have some lasting reprieve from this..
I promise you, that if you can get to the bottom of why you don't ''love yourself'' or why you are afraid of taking healthy risks (not about food but about university and your career and making friends and all that) if you can just focus on the REAL reasons why you are using food control as a solution .. if you can get to the bottom of this.. and free yourself and find true self love and courage, believe that you can achieve great things, that you are smart, talented, powerful, determined, focused, if you can let go of that voice that says you are lazy... then you will discover a sense of peace, joy, self assurance, and gratitude for yourself and for your life that you never ever thought would be possible.
I WISH THIS SO MUCH FOR YOU. If I could spare 20 year old me.. all the suffering of .. this... oh,
what you said here:
your part really got me about wondering why we don't put as much effort into our other goals and place all importance onto this weight related one. this sounds pathetic but i feel like losing weight and maintaining has been my biggest achievement (hence another reason im scared to gain) and I worry that i'm not gonna achieve much else,
the fear that you won't achieve much else.. is the ED voice speaking again.. please search to tap into that voice deep inside you that even though it is scared knows that if you focus on your other goals you can achieve them.
remember our ED's ARE OUR 'solutions' to the real problems. Our ED's MASK the real problems.. of lack of self love etc. until we let go of ED, we will never be able to look at the underlying causes.. because the ED covers up everything else..
ahh sorry this is so inappropriate and misplaced to put on your thread.. but fuck. it. .. i just couldn't help but write this all out.
I feel like at age 36.. and 21 years of this on again off again ED.. that I have experience to share, and wisdom and it is like.. my duty somehow to tell the real truth about all this. because I can clearly see it in others' threads.. it's just so much harder when looking at myself.
ouf.
ok I hope that this is ok on here. and let me know if you want me to delete it.
sending you love, courage, light, and faith that YOU CAN experience peace and joy if you are willing to change your priorities, thoughts, behaviours and actions.. it will take a lot a lot of work .. letting go of ED, is EXTREMELY difficult.. but once you get to the other side. .. you get to experience life.
I'm not crying I swear
uk / sleepy
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#4200
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Posted 20 June 2017 - 12:01 PM
I have gotten the feeling in the past that sometimes you feel pressured into maintaining your low weight because your thread here is super popular and people always go "omg you are goals, you have proved this is all possible" etc etc.
First of all, you are the one who has to live your life so please put your happiness and desires first.
Second of all...I want to say why I like your thread. It's not because you're tiny (though you are!). It's because your pictures are really good quality and I like reading about your life and because I love seeing the pretty food you eat and most of all because you are such a positive ray of sunshine. You're so upbeat and nice and lovely and super relaxed. Your thread is just really chilled and nice to read and it wouldn't matter to me how much you weighed.
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Posted 08 July 2017 - 04:35 PM
i rly wanna reply to this properly tomorrow bc i have stuff to say about relating to the depression part especially but i'm half asleep rn so i don't think i can form coherent sentences beyond this one but just wanted to say that no matter what happened today you still made it through, you're still the wonderful emma, and we all still love you. everyone has disgusting shit days, even normies, so dealing with mental illness stuff on top of regular mood cycles/sucky days etc is no easy feat and i'm proud of you for making it through, it may not seem like it but things could've gone a lot worse!! ilysm, make sure you get a good sleep tonight <3
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Posted 08 July 2017 - 07:16 PM
chocolatemilk, on 08 Jul 2017 - 09:16 AM, said:
thank you, yeah the brunch yesterday was really fine. i'm dreading tonight's meal so much tho i have so much guilt about it n it hasn't even happened yet, icing on the cake is the sinking feeling im gonna ruin the atmosphere for everyone bc rn im on the brink of crying and my mum n sister are both feeling rlly awk about me being so grumpy n awful lol
yeah i probs would. i think self-recovery could work if u have people in on it n helping u like family/partner etc but would be super difficult on your own
n yeah i saw that too. i feel like they put that there for like kids meals n stuff n i really dont wanna draw any attention to myself idk :c plus i worry the nature of those meals is that it'd still be rlly big idk. i really have no idea what im gonna order sigh
white meat/fish is generally fine but dark meat can be more bc fatty n stuff
thank u <3333 yeah they rlly will, you can just add water n eat them cold
Oh Emma I'm so sorry u've had such a bad day
I wish I was in the same time zone as u so I woulda seen ur posts earlier! I rlly think u need to talk to ur parents so they understand they can't say things like "don't eat before dinner" or whatever cos ur dad probs doesn't even think about that sort of thing + doesn't realise that would stick in ur head and make u feel guilty for eating! U should never feel bad for eating when ur hungry bbe
just like when u went for that Indian mean, I rlly think u still should eat like a normal day before cos starving urself is just gunna raise stress levels and stuff + being crazy hungry by the time u got there wouldn't be good for ur mood at all. I'm sure ur mum wants to help but doesn't know how to? Now that ur living with them again over the summer it's gunna be hard for them cos they don't "get" things like we do about like ED, food routines etc that we're all so used to. Like ur mum probs sees ur food insta stuff and assumes like ur okay with eating regular meals but obvs they're counted pre planned weighed meals so it's completely different to Restaurant stuff but a lot of normies don't see it that way as they don't know/ care about cals and stuff.If u can see an ED specialist I think it would be good to talk to someone. Love u bbe, hope u have a better day today
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#4423
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Posted 09 July 2017 - 12:59 AM
I'm so sorry you had such a bad day
I'm pretty sure your dad didn't mean the "don't eat until dinner", people sometimes just say things like this without thinking about what it means to someone who struggles with food.
I'd agree with watershipdown - maybe you could talk to a professional and try anti depressants? I didn't wanted to go there in the first place too because I felt like I don't deserve help. But in the end, it really helped me.
Although - if you decide to give it a try, I hope your doctor would make a sensible choice. I was on 2 different anti depressants and the first one killed my appetite and I dropped weight until being sent inpatient; the second one made me super dizzy, sleepy and headachy during the first weeks, which was hell during uni.
sending you all the strength and love I got! xx
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Posted 09 July 2017 - 02:37 AM
Parents (nd other people) can be so insensitive about this stuff, or it seems that way cause they don't realise how much their words hurt us, which I do understand a little bit cause we get upset about stuff others don't get upset about but that doesn't make it any better.
I'm happy you allowed yourself the graze and pick up snack, cause you needed the energy and you def deserved them.
It's sad you didn't got that dessert tho
but I totally understand how you felt and it sucks, but you've kept yourself so strong It's good to let your negative feelings out every now and then here!
And of course there are people here who believe you. IG, fb and all that social media isn't the real you, everybody looks happier than they really are. It's not a representation of reality at all, that counts for me and probably for alot other people too.
It's true! Planning food and all feels like a purpose and it makes you feel happy nd in control and I also would never be able to explain it to anyone, it's a feeling you have to go trough to understand...
I hope you'll feel better tomorrow hun ❤
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Posted 09 July 2017 - 02:57 AM
chocolatemilk, on 08 Jul 2017 - 3:21 PM, said:
Spoilerwe were sat chatting as a family and my sister (two years younger than me) let on that she'd smoked weed for the first time at a house party she'd been to the other night and that was the thing that made my mood first drop tbh bc i've never been to a house party or smoked weed and it suddenly hit me that she's growing up n out of being a loser when i always found comfort in her being as socially inept as i am. but recently she's been so sociable n rlly come outta her shell i guess, she's going on holiday with friends to france on tuesday! ive never been close to having good enough friends to go on holiday with. i said something about me being a loser n she was like "i've never had a boyfriend though!" and idk in a semi-joking way i said "but when i had a boyfriend i was depressed and felt like cutting myself all of the time" which is the truth (worst time of my life dont even wanna go there lol) but i said it jokingly. my fam know about my self harm past n stuff. my dad laughed n it was okay bc i said it jokingly, my life is pretty much a giant joke
thing number 2 that crushed my mood was i agreed to go out shopping w sis n mum whilst my dad went to this beer/music thing in my grandmas town where we had the meal later on. when we were about to leave my mum asked whether i wanted to take a snack out w me or if i'd be okay getting a snack/lunch out n my dad was like "don't eat anything! save yourself for the meal" and this just stuck with me the whole day
fast forward to pacing round primark, started to feel the jabs of hunger n was filled with this immense guilt bc of my dad saying to not eat anything in the afternoon n i felt so greedy bc normies could easily go without food. was still feeling so low so was rlly awks with my mum n sis. n my mum bought my sister like a £50 basket worth of holiday clothes but i didnt let her buy me £3 work shoes bc i dont deserve anything. felt like a whale n so self conscious whilst out in public, as u do
then after dinner we read the dessert specials and i read 'peanut butter cheesecake with caramel and brownie' aka my dream dessert ever omg? but obviously couldn't have it even though everybody else was having a drink or dessert. my sister ordered the fucking cheesecake man. she was sat opposite me and it arrived looking fancy as fuck n she ate this little ball n my mum was like "its fudge!" n she was like "no its peanut butter mmm!" n that was the straw that broke the camels back lmao. i excused myself for the loo n as soon as i went in the cubicle i burst into tears, it was loud n messy sobbing n honestly really relieving bc i felt like i'd been holding it back all day. just felt like life was playing some sick joke on me n taunting me. peanut butter desserts arent even common in the uk what are the fucking chances man
tried to compose myself but had cried off all my makeup so i was humiliated with the thought everyone would notice i'd been crying but nobody said anything n then i felt stupid n awful for thinking anyone would notice. they'd all been drinking n stuff so we just chatting amongst themselves n i felt invisible
walking back to my grandmas flat my mum said to me "what has been up with you today?? i'm gonna send you to the doctors, you're clearly not in control of this" n like gee fucking thanks for the worstpossible thing to say to me right now. no "what's wrong?" or "do u wanna talk" but some kinda threat n also that im not in control which is my literal worst fear. i replied with "it's not like anybody gives a shit" and i stand by it, i feel so alone in this thing and my overthinking yesterday n todays events have just cemented the fact im in it alone n its all in my own brain n my own fault n im the only one who can get myself out but idk if i can, fuck
in the car home i was being miserable n sorry for myself n honest to god all i wanted was chocolate even though today has been such a hard ED day and the relapse thoughts have been stronger than they have for a long time but at the end of the day im mentally exhausted n drained from today so after some thought i chose to have these pick ups lol. tbh going to bed a bit hungry, craving chocolate n also this sad sounds like the ideal circumstances for a binge so i'd rather just choose to eat these than potentially binge. i took them into my room where i have no other food n im not gonna go downstairs where all my snacks are so i think im safe
so sorry for the super negative update, i honestly have no idea where this came from. i think maybe my deep thinking about myself yesterday was more significant than i thought. i read something related to recovery which was saying to recover you have to figure out why you're like this in the first place n tackle that thing, and i cant help but wonder if theres something fundamentally wrong with me. i know nobody on mpa is gonna believe me if i say this bc of the way i put myself across online but i sometimes wonder if i have depression or something. im pretty sure it was around puberty (so 9 years) that i started to feel like an outsider and ive felt like it since, i think thats the best way to describe how i feel, outsider
ive had ups n downs mental health wise n various coping methods over the years from eating related ones, self harm n another one that i'm not even comfortable sharing but took over my life for several years n definitely wasn't a healthy thing lol (i still occasionally do it too which i think is why im so ashamed to admit what it is
nothing has been bad in my life or childhood at all but i wonder whether something in my brain is just broken somehow
and i know i come across so happy on this thread and tbh that happiness isn't fake! i've been doing well for the most part but i feel like maybe thats bc ED is such a good coping mechanism lmao, it gave me a sense of purpose and achievement i've never felt before, and now i feel like maybe its just a comfort thing with the control n that
ok i've got my shit together!
i can't say much about the sister feels as i'm an only child but it did make me think of when i was younger and had this best friend, but she suddenly got a ton more popular than me and just left me behind for a world of year 8 celebrity status. i know it's rly hard to think of it this way but people are always gonna be different and tbh just bc she's gone to a house party and smoked weed doesn't increase her "coolness", it's just another experience that happened in her lifetime, just as you've had different experiences that she doesn't have. she may be going to france on tuesday with her friends but in two years or something you could be going to japan with your friends that you haven't even met yet!! the future is super scary but it's full of potential. i'm sure your sister still loves spending time with you and thinks you're rad, i get that it feels shitty though :c
i'm sorry your dad made that comment. my mum does it sometimes and it totally throws me, it's such an unnecessary thing to say but normies genuinely think it's a passing joke? anyway, you have to remember that for you, getting a snack when you're out probably has a cal limit to it, but normies can easily eat 900+ in one snack (i'm thinking frappe+muffin) on top of breakfast and lunch and whatever which would definitely make them too full for dinner. all in all he just wanted you to enjoy the dinner i think, just came across rly shittily.
you do deserve work shoes and more, i get how you feel and it's the worst honestly, but i hope that on a better day you'll let her buy you something lovely bc you really really do deserve it, especially shoes as you've been pacing so much and it can't be great on your ankles
that pb cheesecake scenario sounds like hell though, i just want to give you a massive hug (or internet hug if you're not into that physical contact). i'm glad that crying relieved some for you, crying can be so good sometimes. and i'm super proud of you for not binging too!! life sucks a lot generally, not to mention on top of shitty life itself, mental illness make existing hell but i'm super proud of you for getting this far. if you do end up having to go to see someone about ed, in my experience therapists can't make you recover and you can't be sectioned if you're not on the brink of death, if that's any reassurance. i know sometimes it can be invalidating to think of it that way but tbh the more time i spend with chocolate oats the less i want to be chucked into some ip unit without any wifi and made to gain on foods i don't like. the thing about recovery though is that it won't work unless you really want it, i think i've said this before but i firmly stand by it, you could have all the top mh professionals n ed specialists in the world but nothing will change unless you want it to, you could be made to gain/be wr but if your mental health is still shit there's no point in that. in the future if you consider recovery i fully believe that you can do it, bc you're a rly strong person. ♡
about the last part, for me going to therapy helped me to realise that one of the causes for my ed was control, and still is a major part of it today, and when i think about it, if i can let go of the incessant need to control everything about myself i most probably wouldn't be this deep into an ed, and i'd probably find it a lot easier to recover. but bc i'm not willing to let go, i just said fuck it lol. but again, i relate a lot to what you said about it being a safety thing/coping mechanism, and it helps me to numb out mood swings/depressive feels - like nowadays i genuinely feel a lot happier and perform better in school in terms of interacting with people etc. and nothing bad at all happened in my childhood, my old therapist n i believe that it's a chemical imbalance thing that i might have inherited from my dad. you don't have to have something awful happen to you to "earn" the right to feel a certain way!!
ANYWAY, emma, i hope today treats you a lot better. you don't have to push yourself to do anything super scary if you don't want to, treat yourself to a bath or a nap or something, or spend some time on animal crossing if you fancy. let your mind rest, i'll be thinking of you today c: and ofc the discord chat is always there and my instagram dms are always open ♡ ♡ ilysm ♡
(sorry for rambling)
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#4426
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Posted 09 July 2017 - 08:28 AM
really hope you're feeling better today.If it helps at all, I can really relate to a lot of what you said in your long post, tbh a lot of us on here probably can (it's a mental health forum right ;p), so please don't feel like you're alone in all this. We all have our good days and bad days, and tbh you've had a lot of challenges recently. Even being home for the summer is a change of scenery and routine in itself, and then there's the ED challenges you've had recently.
I can understand why your sis coming out of her shell a lot recently is affecting you too, but honestly you're still so young, and socialising more was a goal you set yourself for 3rd year right?
so you're on your way, it's just in progress did you say before that your new housemates seem more social? You could hang with them more if that's the case, when ur back st uni if it helps, something I did to start getting used to liquid cals for alcohol was to start drinking an options hot choc every night - it's 40 cals and a vodka Diet Coke is about 50 cals, so almost the same that probs sounds so weird lol but it helped me mentally get used to the idea of 50 cals in drink form for going out with ppl. Now I'm rambling lol, but the thinking is that it could help you feel less anxious about alcohol cals for 3rd year Also, as you're starting work tomo, are there ppl there your kinda age/ same interests you could maybe hang out with a bit?
Something I really struggle with ED wise when socialising is that my ED brain acts like it's going to be force fed 100000 calories or something, but I try push myself to go, and tbh no one pays attention to what I eat/drink, and I end up having way less than what I predicted... even when ppl get desert and stuff, if it's unplanned I make out like I'm umming and ahhing over cake, but then just say I'm full n rely fancy a coffee. I think finding strategies for eating/drinking out can make it easier (recovery would be a better strategy lol but hey ho, one day).
I hope you're feeling better today. Pls remember though that you're not alone, you're lovely and a really cool person
I'm sorry about your family's comments though, I can see it's just so not what you need when u feel crappy. Maybe they're not sure how to handle things, or feel a bit helpless? *sigh* whenever I'm called out on a weirdness I like to sarcily/ jokingly ask the person if they're perfect lol... poss not appropriate for parents tho I guess :/ xx
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Posted 09 July 2017 - 10:55 AM
next time there's something you really want on a menu, go for it. there's nothing that's over the top horrible if you get a pb cheesecake and eat all of it. sure, you might feel guilty and be bloated afterwards, but is it really worth sitting there, watching, and crying over not being able to eat it? i guess what im trying to say here is that if you want it, eat it bc like you said, you might not get that chance in the future. don't let an eating disorder have the control it wants.
your sister sounds like a lovely person and irl im sure she's not going to ditch you just because she's been 'out there' more than you, or has done more things. i think part of the nature of the disorder is the whole 'oh im not god enough everyone's going to leave me and ill be alone' but she loves you and everyone's different in their own way. that doesn't mean she's suddenly going to choose her friends over hanging out with you. sometimes our brains like to twist a situation and make it seem worse than it actually is.
and you deserve to be happy and to enjoy life. don't let anything make it seem the other way. you're not broken in any way, you're a wonderful, amazingly talented woman emma. it's okay to be negative sometimes and let those feelings out, and even though your family can be shorty sometimes, they're there for you, and so are we. don't let small comments bring you down, you're so strong. you've come so far. just be you. ily, please feel better and don't let the day drag you down, but lift you up ♡♡♡
( im sorry if this made no sense aha im typing super fast on my phone rn )
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Posted 09 July 2017 - 03:03 PM
thank you so much for all of your lovely replies, ive read them all and they are all wonderful but i hope u forgive me for not replying right now as im so drained, i promise i will reply tomorrow
[sunday, 9th july]
today has been an absolute shitstorm and i'd say probably worse than yesterday. i'll try to be as brief as poss but might ramble (as always). basically woke up today already drained after yesterday, lay in bed for a while on my phone and was so ready for a chilled out day with no food challenges or anything stressful, after a while my parents came upstairs and announced that we were going to flamingo land (a theme park and zoo me n my sister have always loved) and my first thought was they are trying to cheer me up after yesterday? but then my second thought was the realisation that this means another challenging unknown calorie food day and i just felt so overwhelmed and full of dread, and then i felt even worse bc i was so guilty about the fact i was meant to be happy and excited but i was just so panicked and worried instead, cue intense self hatred. i got ready n stuff and they were rushing us as it was already late morning and i had a tactical cry as to try feel some relief w/o ruining my makeup lol
anyways was so overwhelmed etc n on the brink of tears still when my dad said something along the lines of to stop being so miserable bc they wanted to have a good day and i couldnt hold back the tears so just started crying and went upstairs n my sister was like "wtf did you do shes crying now!!" so then my parents followed me up n were shouting and banging on the locked bathroom door as i sobbed and it was the most fucking horrific thing ever i don t know why they were so angry at me but it wasnt helping anything bc i hate that im like this too and ugh. so they were literally threatening on breaking the door (fun fact, my bedroom door doesnt have a lock bc as a kid when i locked myself in there to cry once my mum broke through the lock) so i eventually got out n we left in the car despite the fact i was still obviously upset and crying. no time for me to have any breakfast either which was another thing to stress me out more
my sister totally took my side and was angry at how they treated me too but in the car all the way they were just being this sickening fake happy and just ignoring the fact i was sat there literally crying the whole journey. it occurred to me (and my sister agrees) that im not sure they were trying to cheer me up at all but more to pretend we were a happy family n nothing was wrong etc
at the park i kept my headphones in bc i felt overwhelmed n like i didnt want to hear what they were saying. they kinda forced me and my sister on these two rides whilst watching and still pretending to be happy. on the second ride there was a long queue and i start venting to my sister and crying again and told her a lot of how i was feeling/how i'd been recently considering getting better/ how i struggle on a daily basis/how i wanted to lose more weight to make them care. she was angry w them. luckily after that she told them to leave us so they gave my sis £10 for food and we went separate ways and i spent the day with my sister, thank god
my sister was intent that i ate something n knew food would make me feel better too bc i hadnt had anything n it was like 2pm by this point. i had absolute no plan as obvs today completely caught me off guard and theme parks are known for junk food everywhere, everything unknown calories etc. i suggested somewhere might have packaged sandwiches but nowhere did and after walking round a bit my sister decided that we would share a cheese pizza and god bless im so glad she did bc i did need something (as always the hunger was making everything so much harder) and i was in no mental state to make any kind of food decisions whatsoever so i decided to just take her plan as i had no plan of my own
it was a 12" cheese n tomato pizza n i counted my half as (700) mine was the closer to camera half which i deemed the smaller half, lol
i didn't particularly enjoy it a great deal but my day really picked up after this, i felt better for having eaten and my sister made things really easy for me with encouragement n stuff. felt more myself again
we had long long chat about our parents whilst eating n also afterwards whilst walking round the zoo, there's a bunch we talked about but one main thing was our parents tendency to brush all problems under the rug and always pretend everything is fine. i think i mentioned yesterday that in the past i cut myself and my parents knew and they never once tried to talk to me about it at all and its been a similar thing with eating, ive had a couple conversations but for the most part its just been ignored the past year n two thirds or however long. i feel like they've never taught me how to cope with negative things healthily bc we've never been encouraged to talk about things so i've tried to find my own coping methods and have gone towards unhealthy ones
she also told me she thinks they dont think i have ED problems and that my dad has actually said that i'm "better now" so that kinda confirms what i already suspected
anyways, after that we went on a bunch of rides and i actually had a nice couple hours. my sister is hella rad n we both love rollercoasters haha. im so unbelievably grateful for my sisters existence
bc this day was unplanned n random so we didnt set off very early to drive to the place we only had like 2 hours on the rides in the end lol n then i had to go back n see my parents again eugh
i spent the car journey home with headphones in not talking to them n as soon as we got home i went up to my room. im really angry with how they treated me this morning. eventually i thought i should probably do something about dinner but was so drained n didnt wanna decide what to have so i went downstairs n started looking through freezer n then my parents confronted me n suddenly had a change of tune n kept repeating the words "eating disorder" as if they only just figured out what it was lol (they never refer to me as having an ED) and that i needed help and they couldnt help me bc theyre not psychiatrists (no shit? neither am i, neither is my sister) n saying theyre gonna force me to talk to someone if im not gonna talk to them (they never ask) and it was just the worst way to handle it tbh. i was so angry and answered stuff back, i threw in the self harm thing n that they never helped me lol. i told them they dont give a shit about me. my dad even had the nerve to say that maybe ppl online were giving me bad advice and making it worse and i completely flipped bc you guys are the only ones who listen/care
anyway ffs i just wanted to find dinner but didnt feel up to anything then so
pathetic first attempt at dinner (93)
then stayed in my room a bit longer but was hungry, messaged my sister n stuff n came to conclusion i really should eat something with nutrition, mainly bc im lowkey scared of a binge happening. i wanted savoury dinner food but i didnt want to spend long downstairs or making anything for myself so
dinner attempt 2 - chocolate protein porridge pot made w almond milk (405) i didnt enjoy this rlly but did feel better afterwards bc the hanger was real again yknow
this put daily total at 1198 (ish, ofc idk pizza) tdee is like 1650-1700 or something (10k steps) although i guess if HR plays a part it might be higher bc i went on the big adrenaline rides
apparently my calorie deficit was around 1800 this week, so thats one good thing about the shitty days
ive spent the rest of the evening chatting to my sister n had a bath so am feeling kinda okay but im just so so drained and exhausted and almost numb at this point. i have my first shift back at work tomorrow which is gonna be another off-schedule and challenging food day (another reason i really wanted today to be chill and easy) bc my shift is 1:30 til closing which im hoping is gnna be no later than like 11pm, i really hope
i have no food plans at all. another thing i wanted to do today was buy bread so i could make sandwiches or something but we dont have anything rlly. gonna take a porridge pot but idk what else sigh, have nothing savoury to take so its gonna completely throw me off schedule. im dreading the food aspect of tomorrow, but atleast hoping this shift is gonna take my mind off things and atleast means i dont have to spend the evening w my parents
every cloud has a silver lining
rlly wish i was in my uni house rn
goodnight guys <3
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Posted 09 July 2017 - 03:14 PM
my parents are exactly the same (lmao more of we are the same person) like they knew i self harmed for years and when i was underweight they just ignored my ed completely lmao
i think a massive part of it is denial?? iike who wants there child to have an ed? no one. like no one wants to think they have failed as a parent. i feel its probaly easier if something has gone wrong in your kids life, like if they'd been abused or something because you have someone to blame, but no one is to blame here and they probably are struggling w/ that. if they wipe it under the rug and pretend like it doesnt exist it probably makes it a lot easier for them to deal with it because i can imagine it must hurt a lot to see your child who you made and birthed go through that yknow
i know thats probs not what u want to hear rn but i think its good to look at it from there perspective sometime. maybe u could write them a letter or something? because then theres no argument/confrontation and u can tell them the truth (p.s i should take my own goddamn advice sometimes lmao)
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Posted 09 July 2017 - 03:15 PM
i'm so sorry you're having a difficult time. i've been checking in and i'll keep you in my thoughts - no one deserves to struggle this way.
however, maybe a little light at the end of the tunnel... you have had tough times before and it's inevitable to come again, you'll make it through! make sure to nourish your body and mind and just try and stay positive. you have lots of support here like you said. i think seeing someone may definitely help you, i have to wait until september when my health insurance kicks in but i plan to do the same. stay strong friend xx
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Posted 09 July 2017 - 03:43 PM
I think getting this work will be the best thing for you right now. When I would be home from breaks I used to get extremely depressed because it was too much destructive alone time and time with my family. Getting out of the house to do something productive may help your mind stop focusing too much on all of this. Keep plugging forward and stay strong. ❤
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Posted 09 July 2017 - 03:55 PM
and aha in a not really funny way my parents love to pretend that nothing's wrong in public too, like fake smiles and everything, telling me to act normally and not cry in front of ppl to make it seem we've got out shit together, so urs might just care about their appearance as a family, and in the heat of things, it just got too carried away.
and if they ever trash talk mpa i'll be there to have a word with them lmaooo. hope things don't get any worse, you deserve so much better. love you ❤️
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Posted 09 July 2017 - 05:34 PM
So so sorry about ur parents, it does seem like they don't know what to do and just assumed u don't have an ED now or something. It probs is best u can talk to someone but I think they should be able to too, like group session or something? Have a good first day at work, hope u can figure out some snacks xxx
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Posted 09 July 2017 - 06:21 PM
Ugh, I feel the same way with my mom/parents sometimes when it comes to the whole denial and then suddenly it like hits her? Like she'll brush my hair and then get mad at me like "You have no ass and I don't know what to do, you are stuck, you need therapy" like yeah okay thanks for the random meltdown I'm fine and you seem to think my lack of ass is fine every other day? Maybe it's just when she's having other struggles she keeps quiet, I dunno.
Then she'll completely drop it the next day.
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Posted 09 July 2017 - 07:10 PM
gah I'm so so sorry you've been struggling lately :s your sister rly is a God-send I'm honestly glad you have her to talk to. I know you're feeling rly numb/drained rn (and understandably so omg) but just try not to worry about your parents/therapy/etc in general and just have a good first day at work if possible? I think just a change of environment would be a rly good distraction for you, and no one at your workplace knows about your ED or whatever so like there won't be any pressure there as opposed to at home maybe? I hope the food situation goes well tho but since you were at a pretty big deficit yesterday, if you see something at your workplace you genuinely crave, you should have it, maybe indulging in a treat would lift your mood a bit! Whatever the case tho, rly just wanna say that you're amazing. All of us on here have nothing but mad love and respect for you ♡ Even on your worst, shittiest, most horrible days pls know that you have us to turn to, we will never judge you or anything. I know you probably don't see it this way but you've handled the past few days rly rly well. sending you strength and positive vibes from 11,237 kilometres away (I actually calculated it haha!) you will get through this <3
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Posted 10 July 2017 - 01:43 AM
I can totally see that having the zoo sprung on you was just not needed after having a hard day yday. I think for ppl with EDs, having stuff sprung on us like that is hard because it's having the control taken off of us again, y'know? Again I can totally relate to the part of your post where you said you want to feel happy and excited, but actually you're worried and panicked, and then get frustrated with yourself for it. *sigh* I'm so glad you had your sister there today. I'm not sure your parents are handling things in the best way tbh, it sounds like you really need a big cuddle at the mo!
Honestly though, I'm sure your parents really do care about you, and just aren't sure how to handle things. I think with our parents generation there a tendency to just brush things under the carpet, esp where mental health issues are concerned. It seems like it's only recent years where ppl are encouraged to be open about it... honestly my parents were the same when I lived at home tbh, it felt like they didn't care at the time, but in hindsight I see they just wouldn't have known how to handle it or what they could do. I'm not trying to make excuses, more like trying to angle it from a diff perspective I guess...
Also, it's it's hard living with parents temporarily in the holidays lol? Coming back for uni hols can be unsettling cause it's literally a diff environment, diff ppl, no structure/routine. Hopefully things start to feel better now you have your job. For today, could you pick up something savoury on the way to work to eat later, like a Tesco wrap/ sammich? Something you're comfortable with but also something scrummy to look fwd to
I really hope you have a better day today ❤️ remember we're all here if you need to vent/virtual cuddles etc
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I really hope things improve, I'm always available if you need to talk or rant, and you ever need a mini break theres always room for you at mine 😙
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Posted 10 July 2017 - 04:33 AM
some quick late replies before i head to work -
peanutbutter., on 08 Jul 2017 - 7:16 PM, said:
Spoiler
Oh Emma I'm so sorry u've had such a bad day
I wish I was in the same time zone as u so I woulda seen ur posts earlier! I rlly think u need to talk to ur parents so they understand they can't say things like "don't eat before dinner" or whatever cos ur dad probs doesn't even think about that sort of thing + doesn't realise that would stick in ur head and make u feel guilty for eating! U should never feel bad for eating when ur hungry bbe
If u can see an ED specialist I think it would be good to talk to someone. Love u bbe, hope u have a better day today
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thank u so much, you speak so much sense as always <3
you're right, hunger never ever helps haha, and the negativity being hungry brings just makes it harder to eat it's like a vicious circle
n yeah i think my insta doesnt rlly help me as im super positive on there <3
Cage for Hearts, on 09 Jul 2017 - 12:59 AM, said:
Spoiler
I'm so sorry you had such a bad day
I'm pretty sure your dad didn't mean the "don't eat until dinner", people sometimes just say things like this without thinking about what it means to someone who struggles with food.
I'd agree with watershipdown - maybe you could talk to a professional and try anti depressants? I didn't wanted to go there in the first place too because I felt like I don't deserve help. But in the end, it really helped me.
Although - if you decide to give it a try, I hope your doctor would make a sensible choice. I was on 2 different anti depressants and the first one killed my appetite and I dropped weight until being sent inpatient; the second one made me super dizzy, sleepy and headachy during the first weeks, which was hell during uni.
sending you all the strength and love I got! xx
thank you lovely <3 i'm glad anti depressants have helped you! i'd definitely try it if offered but idk if i'll get to that stage haha. n agh that sucks about the side effects xxx
Chaola, on 09 Jul 2017 - 02:37 AM, said:
Spoiler
Wow I'm so sorry you had such a bad day
Parents (nd other people) can be so insensitive about this stuff, or it seems that way cause they don't realise how much their words hurt us, which I do understand a little bit cause we get upset about stuff others don't get upset about but that doesn't make it any better.
I'm happy you allowed yourself the graze and pick up snack, cause you needed the energy and you def deserved them.
It's sad you didn't got that dessert tho
It's good to let your negative feelings out every now and then here!
And of course there are people here who believe you. IG, fb and all that social media isn't the real you, everybody looks happier than they really are. It's not a representation of reality at all, that counts for me and probably for alot other people too.
It's true! Planning food and all feels like a purpose and it makes you feel happy nd in control and I also would never be able to explain it to anyone, it's a feeling you have to go trough to understand...
I hope you'll feel better tomorrow hun ❤
tysm chao <3 <3 it really means a lot
astronaute, on 09 Jul 2017 - 02:57 AM, said:
Spoiler
ok i've got my shit together!
i can't say much about the sister feels as i'm an only child but it did make me think of when i was younger and had this best friend, but she suddenly got a ton more popular than me and just left me behind for a world of year 8 celebrity status. i know it's rly hard to think of it this way but people are always gonna be different and tbh just bc she's gone to a house party and smoked weed doesn't increase her "coolness", it's just another experience that happened in her lifetime, just as you've had different experiences that she doesn't have. she may be going to france on tuesday with her friends but in two years or something you could be going to japan with your friends that you haven't even met yet!! the future is super scary but it's full of potential. i'm sure your sister still loves spending time with you and thinks you're rad, i get that it feels shitty though :c
i'm sorry your dad made that comment. my mum does it sometimes and it totally throws me, it's such an unnecessary thing to say but normies genuinely think it's a passing joke? anyway, you have to remember that for you, getting a snack when you're out probably has a cal limit to it, but normies can easily eat 900+ in one snack (i'm thinking frappe+muffin) on top of breakfast and lunch and whatever which would definitely make them too full for dinner. all in all he just wanted you to enjoy the dinner i think, just came across rly shittily.
you do deserve work shoes and more, i get how you feel and it's the worst honestly, but i hope that on a better day you'll let her buy you something lovely bc you really really do deserve it, especially shoes as you've been pacing so much and it can't be great on your ankles
that pb cheesecake scenario sounds like hell though, i just want to give you a massive hug (or internet hug if you're not into that physical contact). i'm glad that crying relieved some for you, crying can be so good sometimes. and i'm super proud of you for not binging too!! life sucks a lot generally, not to mention on top of shitty life itself, mental illness make existing hell but i'm super proud of you for getting this far. if you do end up having to go to see someone about ed, in my experience therapists can't make you recover and you can't be sectioned if you're not on the brink of death, if that's any reassurance. i know sometimes it can be invalidating to think of it that way but tbh the more time i spend with chocolate oats the less i want to be chucked into some ip unit without any wifi and made to gain on foods i don't like. the thing about recovery though is that it won't work unless you really want it, i think i've said this before but i firmly stand by it, you could have all the top mh professionals n ed specialists in the world but nothing will change unless you want it to, you could be made to gain/be wr but if your mental health is still shit there's no point in that. in the future if you consider recovery i fully believe that you can do it, bc you're a rly strong person. ♡
about the last part, for me going to therapy helped me to realise that one of the causes for my ed was control, and still is a major part of it today, and when i think about it, if i can let go of the incessant need to control everything about myself i most probably wouldn't be this deep into an ed, and i'd probably find it a lot easier to recover. but bc i'm not willing to let go, i just said fuck it lol. but again, i relate a lot to what you said about it being a safety thing/coping mechanism, and it helps me to numb out mood swings/depressive feels - like nowadays i genuinely feel a lot happier and perform better in school in terms of interacting with people etc. and nothing bad at all happened in my childhood, my old therapist n i believe that it's a chemical imbalance thing that i might have inherited from my dad. you don't have to have something awful happen to you to "earn" the right to feel a certain way!!
ANYWAY, emma, i hope today treats you a lot better. you don't have to push yourself to do anything super scary if you don't want to, treat yourself to a bath or a nap or something, or spend some time on animal crossing if you fancy. let your mind rest, i'll be thinking of you today c: and ofc the discord chat is always there and my instagram dms are always open ♡ ♡ ilysm ♡
(sorry for rambling)
ahh kiki thank u so much for all of this <3
yeah totally right about normies ideas of a snack vs mine, and i mentioned the comment to him yesterday n he didnt even remember saying it, was totally a passing comment idk why my brain made it so significant lmao, EDs defy logic
thank u so much for everything, idk what much else to say bc we've chatted more on discord n stuff since then but i just wanted to reply to this anyway so you know it really meant a lot n ilysm too <333
Hazelw, on 09 Jul 2017 - 08:28 AM, said:
Spoiler
Aww bless u sweetie, sucks yday was such a tough day
If it helps at all, I can really relate to a lot of what you said in your long post, tbh a lot of us on here probably can (it's a mental health forum right ;p), so please don't feel like you're alone in all this. We all have our good days and bad days, and tbh you've had a lot of challenges recently. Even being home for the summer is a change of scenery and routine in itself, and then there's the ED challenges you've had recently.
I can understand why your sis coming out of her shell a lot recently is affecting you too, but honestly you're still so young, and socialising more was a goal you set yourself for 3rd year right?
Also, as you're starting work tomo, are there ppl there your kinda age/ same interests you could maybe hang out with a bit?
Something I really struggle with ED wise when socialising is that my ED brain acts like it's going to be force fed 100000 calories or something, but I try push myself to go, and tbh no one pays attention to what I eat/drink, and I end up having way less than what I predicted... even when ppl get desert and stuff, if it's unplanned I make out like I'm umming and ahhing over cake, but then just say I'm full n rely fancy a coffee. I think finding strategies for eating/drinking out can make it easier (recovery would be a better strategy lol but hey ho, one day).
I hope you're feeling better today. Pls remember though that you're not alone, you're lovely and a really cool person
I'm sorry about your family's comments though, I can see it's just so not what you need when u feel crappy. Maybe they're not sure how to handle things, or feel a bit helpless? *sigh* whenever I'm called out on a weirdness I like to sarcily/ jokingly ask the person if they're perfect lol... poss not appropriate for parents tho I guess :/ xx
that's a really good idea about the options hot choc, think it could help me too bc i worry that saving cals for a liquid will make me hungrier in the day so if i got myself used to it like that then it might make it easier!
haha yeah my brain is the exact same for social situations, i always fear the worst and then it ends up not being nearly as bad as i imagined n nobody seems to care what i eat/don't eat c': i think it's just fear of unknown and fear of losing control
tysm lovely for all of your comments (gonna reply to the more recent one next!) xxx
coffee.cake, on 09 Jul 2017 - 10:55 AM, said:
[spoiler]
im literally sending all the happiness in the world to you right now bc you don't deserve to feel this awful. i think that your dad was being such an ass about what he was saying, and he probably didn't even mean for it to sound so bad, or mean it in the first place, esp because your mom and sister were eating. if anyone else tells you that you shouldn't eat and you're hungry, eat. i swear you're allowed to eat if you're hungry, health always comes first.
next time there's something you really want on a menu, go for it. there's nothing that's over the top horrible if you get a pb cheesecake and eat all of it. sure, you might feel guilty and be bloated afterwards, but is it really worth sitting there, watching, and crying over not being able to eat it? i guess what im trying to say here is that if you want it, eat it bc like you said, you might not get that chance in the future. don't let an eating disorder have the control it wants.
your sister sounds like a lovely person and irl im sure she's not going to ditch you just because she's been 'out there' more than you, or has done more things. i think part of the nature of the disorder is the whole 'oh im not god enough everyone's going to leave me and ill be alone' but she loves you and everyone's different in their own way. that doesn't mean she's suddenly going to choose her friends over hanging out with you. sometimes our brains like to twist a situation and make it seem worse than it actually is.
and you deserve to be happy and to enjoy life. don't let anything make it seem the other way. you're not broken in any way, you're a wonderful, amazingly talented woman emma. it's okay to be negative sometimes and let those feelings out, and even though your family can be shorty sometimes, they're there for you, and so are we. don't let small comments bring you down, you're so strong. you've come so far. just be you. ily, please feel better and don't let the day drag you down, but lift you up ♡♡♡
( im sorry if this made no sense aha im typing super fast on my phone rn )
agh bb tysm <3 you are so lovely
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watershipdown, on 09 Jul 2017 - 3:14 PM, said:
Spoilermy parents are exactly the same (lmao more of we are the same person) like they knew i self harmed for years and when i was underweight they just ignored my ed completely lmao
i think a massive part of it is denial?? iike who wants there child to have an ed? no one. like no one wants to think they have failed as a parent. i feel its probaly easier if something has gone wrong in your kids life, like if they'd been abused or something because you have someone to blame, but no one is to blame here and they probably are struggling w/ that. if they wipe it under the rug and pretend like it doesnt exist it probably makes it a lot easier for them to deal with it because i can imagine it must hurt a lot to see your child who you made and birthed go through that yknow
i know thats probs not what u want to hear rn but i think its good to look at it from there perspective sometime. maybe u could write them a letter or something? because then theres no argument/confrontation and u can tell them the truth (p.s i should take my own goddamn advice sometimes lmao)
ahh omg we are truly the same person, i'm so sorry it's the same kinda thing with your parents u_u
you're probably right though tbh, that makes a lot of sense n is also a nicer thought than them just not caring, my mum has been messaging me today nicely so i think she does care but yeah im pretty sure denial is a big thing in my family too. even i remember a few years back my dad was rlly sick in hospital for like a month and my mum didn't let on to me n my sister at all how bad it was, it's so weird, like they just brush everything under the rug even if it's a big deal
yeah i was thinking of fb messaging my mum about all why i was upset yesterday so i don't have to explain in person, it's a good idea haha c': i hope you can take your own advice sometime too xxx
pink.goat, on 09 Jul 2017 - 3:15 PM, said:
Spoileri'm so sorry you're having a difficult time. i've been checking in and i'll keep you in my thoughts - no one deserves to struggle this way.
however, maybe a little light at the end of the tunnel... you have had tough times before and it's inevitable to come again, you'll make it through! make sure to nourish your body and mind and just try and stay positive. you have lots of support here like you said. i think seeing someone may definitely help you, i have to wait until september when my health insurance kicks in but i plan to do the same. stay strong friend xx
thank you lovely <3 <3
i hope seeing somebody about things helps you! i don't rlly want to at all (i know probably nobody does) but i just feel like it might make me feel worse bc i always feel undeserving of ppls time/money etc so idk if it'd make me feel guilty :/ which is stupid i know haha, i will keep thinking about it xxx
astronaute, on 09 Jul 2017 - 3:28 PM, said:
Spoileri hope tomorrow is easier on you, work will definitely take your mind off things and hopefully your parents ease up a bit ♡
thank you kiki <3 im hoping work will help yeah! it should do c:
Anniel, on 09 Jul 2017 - 3:43 PM, said:
SpoilerI am so sorry you are dealing with that with your family. You have been doing so well lately and it breaks my heart to see it knocked down. Please don't let this negativity get you down.
I think getting this work will be the best thing for you right now. When I would be home from breaks I used to get extremely depressed because it was too much destructive alone time and time with my family. Getting out of the house to do something productive may help your mind stop focusing too much on all of this. Keep plugging forward and stay strong. ❤
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thank you <3 <3
yeah i agree tbh, i'm quite looking forward to getting to work and being able to focus fully on that n hopefully forget about this other stuff that's been going on! i'm the same way that the more time i spend doing nothing n just thinking the general worse i feel haha like spending too much time in our own heads is bad
thank you <3
coffee.cake, on 09 Jul 2017 - 3:55 PM, said:
Spoileroh god what are your parents thinking, basically forcing you to go to therapy??? ofc they want the best for you (and i think they don't want to see you crying bc it makes them feel bad even if they don't show) but that was literally the worst possible way to handle things (sorry for the possible offensiveness!!!) i think a big part of this is lack of communication (what my mom always says is that if there's something wrong, speak up bc then if you're upset, everyone's just guessing and doesn't know what to do) so maybe if u opened up about not liking unplanned things, they'll think to tell you the night before. or if they're the type of ppl to do surprises, then tell them that you don't really like it when they do that. hopefully (more communication) that'll make them realize the actual effect of what they're saying to you.
and aha in a not really funny way my parents love to pretend that nothing's wrong in public too, like fake smiles and everything, telling me to act normally and not cry in front of ppl to make it seem we've got out shit together, so urs might just care about their appearance as a family, and in the heat of things, it just got too carried away.
and if they ever trash talk mpa i'll be there to have a word with them lmaooo. hope things don't get any worse, you deserve so much better. love you ❤️
i don't think they will actually force me or follow through, it was like a weird threat they were saying if i won't talk to them i have to talk to someone so i think they were expecting me to just suddenly fully open up to them or s/t lol. plus i'm registered to a doctors in my uni town and they can't force me to re-register here so they can't make me go anyways c':
yeah lack of communication is a big thing in my family too, it really sucks. i just feel like ive already talked to them quite a lot n its almost like theyve forgotten bc ive been seemingly doing quite well so they think im like ~cured~ now, maybe i need to remind them that some situations still stress me out
i'm sorry ur family are similar!!
n thank u so much, ily <3
peanutbutter., on 09 Jul 2017 - 5:34 PM, said:
SpoilerUr so lucky that ur sister's so fab + mature! I remember a couple times when I was ur age (my sisters 2 years younger too) and she's looked after me and it was gr8.
So so sorry about ur parents, it does seem like they don't know what to do and just assumed u don't have an ED now or something. It probs is best u can talk to someone but I think they should be able to too, like group session or something? Have a good first day at work, hope u can figure out some snacks xxx
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i know right honestly have no idea what i'd do without her! haha
aw i'm glad you've had similar experiences with your sis, siblings are rad
yeah i think u hit the nail on the head! bc i've been doing quite well (n even if struggling keep it to myself/mpa) so i think they assumed i'm like cured n stuff haha, especially as theyre used to my weight now
thank u! still stressed about work snacks ngl. it's defo gonna be a snacky day n im worried about lack of structured meals but trying to tell myself snacks are still as filling xxx
Chibi Excel, on 09 Jul 2017 - 6:21 PM, said:
SpoilerUgh, I feel the same way with my mom/parents sometimes when it comes to the whole denial and then suddenly it like hits her? Like she'll brush my hair and then get mad at me like "You have no ass and I don't know what to do, you are stuck, you need therapy" like yeah okay thanks for the random meltdown I'm fine and you seem to think my lack of ass is fine every other day? Maybe it's just when she's having other struggles she keeps quiet, I dunno.
Then she'll completely drop it the next day.
aw man im so sorry you've experienced similar, it's so weird
and my parents drop things the next day too haha it's bizarre
<3
seaweed~` , on 09 Jul 2017 - 7:10 PM, said:
Spoilergah I'm so so sorry you've been struggling lately :s your sister rly is a God-send I'm honestly glad you have her to talk to. I know you're feeling rly numb/drained rn (and understandably so omg) but just try not to worry about your parents/therapy/etc in general and just have a good first day at work if possible? I think just a change of environment would be a rly good distraction for you, and no one at your workplace knows about your ED or whatever so like there won't be any pressure there as opposed to at home maybe? I hope the food situation goes well tho but since you were at a pretty big deficit yesterday, if you see something at your workplace you genuinely crave, you should have it, maybe indulging in a treat would lift your mood a bit! Whatever the case tho, rly just wanna say that you're amazing. All of us on here have nothing but mad love and respect for you ♡ Even on your worst, shittiest, most horrible days pls know that you have us to turn to, we will never judge you or anything. I know you probably don't see it this way but you've handled the past few days rly rly well. sending you strength and positive vibes from 11,237 kilometres away (I actually calculated it haha!) you will get through this <3
thank u! n yeah she really is, im so grateful
yeah i'm gonna try take my mind off things n get into proper work mode n be the best damn bartender this place has ever seen lmao, gonna try keep busy all shift even if it's quiet (which is likely)
thank u <3 gah my work food situation sucks tbh but thank you for the reassurance that i could eat something nice today <3 theres a kids pool/arcade stuff in the same building n sells crisps n sweets which are the only real known calorie food available n sucks bc im not rlly into crisps or sweets c': (theres no chocolate bc it makes such a mess lol) i'm gonna take snacks with me though
thank you lovely <3 tbh i think ive handled quite well too!! im really relieved none of this triggered major behaviours, like so happy i havent binged n havent rlly restricted majorly either. it goes to show im way too scared of binging haha, im not a binge eater i havent been over my limit at all in 2017 n its freakin july
aw omg u are so cute <3
Hazelw, on 10 Jul 2017 - 01:43 AM, said:
SpoilerAw sweetie I'm sorry to hear it's been another hard day
I can totally see that having the zoo sprung on you was just not needed after having a hard day yday. I think for ppl with EDs, having stuff sprung on us like that is hard because it's having the control taken off of us again, y'know? Again I can totally relate to the part of your post where you said you want to feel happy and excited, but actually you're worried and panicked, and then get frustrated with yourself for it. *sigh* I'm so glad you had your sister there today. I'm not sure your parents are handling things in the best way tbh, it sounds like you really need a big cuddle at the mo!
Honestly though, I'm sure your parents really do care about you, and just aren't sure how to handle things. I think with our parents generation there a tendency to just brush things under the carpet, esp where mental health issues are concerned. It seems like it's only recent years where ppl are encouraged to be open about it... honestly my parents were the same when I lived at home tbh, it felt like they didn't care at the time, but in hindsight I see they just wouldn't have known how to handle it or what they could do. I'm not trying to make excuses, more like trying to angle it from a diff perspective I guess...
Also, it's it's hard living with parents temporarily in the holidays lol? Coming back for uni hols can be unsettling cause it's literally a diff environment, diff ppl, no structure/routine. Hopefully things start to feel better now you have your job. For today, could you pick up something savoury on the way to work to eat later, like a Tesco wrap/ sammich? Something you're comfortable with but also something scrummy to look fwd to
I really hope you have a better day today ❤️ remember we're all here if you need to vent/virtual cuddles etc
thank u for another amazing reply <3 really means so much to me
yeah i totally suck with changes of plan/routine so it was really overwhelming u_u if only they had just said the night before it would've been easier for me bc i could've gotten up earlier, had breakfast, sorted out some snacks to take with me etc but springing it on me there n then was rlly hard
thank you <3 deep down i think they do care tbh just really don't understand. you're right it might be their generation generally, im sorry your parents are similar
yeah its true!! uni student life is so weird haha
n unfortunately can't do that, i live in the middle of nowhere n can't drive so rely on lifts from ppl to/from work which is also in the middle of nowhere agh. i've scoured the house this morning but we don't rlly have any bread or anything savoury to take at all so i'm just taking snacks really
thank u so much <3
freakface, on 10 Jul 2017 - 03:30 AM, said:
SpoilerAw love, I'm so sorry you're having a tough time and your parents aren't helping! I'm so glad your sister is there for you 💕
I really hope things improve, I'm always available if you need to talk or rant, and you ever need a mini break theres always room for you at mine 😙
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thank u bbe it really means a lot <33333
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peanutbutter., on 31 Jul 2017 - 6:27 PM, said:
Omfg I'm so excited for u Emma!!! I went to New York with my mum for my 21st (surprise birthday present) which was just after Christmas and was sooo amazing I loved it sm! Ah you're gunna have the best time! ☺
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aw that's so cute!! i'm so excited too omg, me and my mum were talking about it for ages today like we're already deciding how we wanna spend each day haha c':
Cage for Hearts, on 31 Jul 2017 - 10:32 PM, said:
Wow, that's amazing news! A friend of mine went to NY for Christmas 2 years ago and she said the city is the most magical place at this time of the year!
i know right!! aw thats so great c: im so excited, thank u!!
StrungOut, on 01 Aug 2017 - 11:19 AM, said:
Your photos of old ruins are just as beautiful as your food shots! So glad you had a nice day with the 'rents!
And very exciting about NYC and Niagara Falls! I grew up in NY and Christmas time in the city is just great!
aw thank u haha i can't really take credit bc they look pretty amazing irl!!
i'm so excited omg ahhh
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Posted 01 August 2017 - 03:49 PM
omg as if it's august
all of my food pics are sweet foods today 
went for pancakes with my grandma again!! i got the bacon ones which came with bloobs n maple syrup (although i only used half the lil thing of syrup) (counted as 650) (may have underestimated, idk)
snacked on white chocolate cookie (the best flavour) carb killa (215) + unpictured lil bit of chicken (41)
dinner was one of those awful moments when you totally overthink for ages n it ends up that everything seems an invalid choice n u end up panic eating something u dont even want lmao - cinnamon banana egg white oats with a lil vegan yoghurt n sugar free syrup (322) i totally wanted savoury but brain kept giving reasons against everything haha, i shouldve definitely just had the pitta bread n dip that i wanted bc it would've been like 100 cals less than this
but i am moving on with my life!!
post-gym was pbj soreen omg new favourite thing (310)
total: 1548 / tdee: ~1730
obvs pancakes were estimate though
probably my biggest thing to report today was after the gym in the car home i opened up to my mum a bit about ED (recovery) related things, won't go into exactly what i was saying but it's all stuff i've mentioned on the thread like i was quite honest about these recovery thoughts ive had lately n that i wanna be taking steps to improve!! it was a good talk
she asked about this site haha, she was asking if instagram makes it worse n i said no n then she was like "what about your blog?" haha and said she knows i do it every night bc i sit here typing away c': but i didnt even know how to explain mpa tbh its a weird thing to try explain to a normie?? but yeah so she kinda knows about this now, i dont rlly mind, my sister already knows
whilst im on the topic it does seem like a good time to address the elephant in the room which is the fact this thread doesnt really bode well for moving towards recovery u_u i dont wanna stop this thread i really dont but i know it probably isnt helpful and is just another added pressure n the food pics of every single thing is just another disordered habit so i'm just saying that if these thoughts continue then at some point im gonna have to step back from this thread bc ive established my ED is quite obsessive n stuff, feel like i no longer need to be accountable at all but its just another thing for ED brain to obsess over n worry about??
i was thinking of various changes i could make to be less accountable like not posting pics of every single thing, only giving calorie total/not including total of each item, maybe not even posting calories at all, would that still be an accountability thread? i feel like ppl really follow me for all the food pics
considered just moving to ppoym for food pics and giving up this thread, ppoym seems less pressured to post everything or every day, can just drop in and out
also considered making a new thread just themed on porridge or something so i have an excuse to post n chat on the regular n share porridge porn without it being an accountability thread
these are all just thoughts n ideas but rn i dont feel like the thread is holding me back too much so i dont have to decide or change anything yet, its really just if i continue to improve n work towards this weird recovery thing, like i can definitely see how it could hold me back for example if im trying to be rlly free n social n dont wanna be taking my pics n stuff
i just wanted to put it out there i know it sucks ;_; i love this thread
im still super duper excited about new york n toronto at christmas omg, me and my mum have already started planning what we wanna do haha im excited for new york food too i think it'll be a good motivation!!
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Posted 01 August 2017 - 04:39 PM
Mpa would be so much less fun without your thread
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Posted 01 August 2017 - 05:57 PM
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Posted 01 August 2017 - 06:56 PM
In regards to this thread/ recovery, think u could either start a new thread just for porridge stuff or like just post pics with no cal numbers? That's probs what I'd do I think! Best of luck with everything, glad u got the pancakes they look amazing + I rlly wanna try pb + j malt loaf now haha
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Posted 01 August 2017 - 07:13 PM
I lived in NYC for almost ten years and loved it. What are you and your mum planning on doing while you're there? FYI for the best view of the Statue of Liberty, (without having to take a ferry or anything, although Staten Island Ferry will take you right by it for free...but there's not a whole lot to do in Staten Island once you get there,) is from Brooklyn in a neighborhood specifically called Red Hook. If you walk down Van Brunt to where the piers are, you can get a really good look at the statue from there and grab some little snacks/groceries from the Fairway Market nearby.
Ugh, I'm actually kind of jealous because I really miss New York and haven't been back since I moved! I digress though. I think peanutbutter's idea about posting pics w/o cals is a good idea. But honestly if this blog is holding you back from recovery in any way and that's something you want to pursue, seriously don't feel bad about changing the way you post or taking a break from it or quitting it altogether. You are in charge of your own decisions! And you don't need to take your followers' thoughts/opinions into account when it comes to your own well-being and personal growth (and how you go about achieving that).
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Posted 01 August 2017 - 07:31 PM
new york at christmas that's like my ultimate dreammm omgg :-; have fun!! also, it's totally your decision as to what to do regarding posting here (or not) but yea if you stop, I'll still support you ofc!! recovery would defo mean being not attached to this thread/site and living life but baby steps haha,sometimes I feel like MPA is a bad addiction whoops.
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Posted 02 August 2017 - 12:06 AM
P.S NYC!!! Omg
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Posted 02 August 2017 - 03:34 AM
Definitely do what is best for your recovery. Your life is about finding love joy and peace for yourself; your life is not about pleasing others, and in your heart you know what is best for your recovery and so take baby steps to get there and be patient with yourself.
You deserve a full life. (and I know those words make us feel like crying, and that's exactly the point lol. - hearing that we deserve a full life tells ED that she needs to take a back seat in your mind, and that feels like a small death to her, it will be a struggle, shifting to having another voice leading your actions, thoughts and feelings, but true growth can come only from struggle).
Whatever you need to do to have more headspace to be creative and to live a full and rich life, is what i wish for you (for all of us) love love. xxd
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Posted 02 August 2017 - 04:56 AM
If it helps, letting go of my accountability and taking a step back from MPA is really helping with my mental health. I thought about other ways I could structure my accountability, but as long as the focus was on "updating" I realized that was disordered. I had to rip the bandaid off.
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Posted 02 August 2017 - 07:21 AM
do what you need to do, please don't feel pressured to continue a thread because it was started in the first place for you.
If you feel this is slightly hindering to your recovery, allow yourself the ability to let it go.
I know in my own recovery (not now, clearly) that allowing myself to let habits go was one of the hardest things to do, but it really was long term beneficial for me.
Do your thing lovely
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always blown away with the amount of replies i get on here, thank u guys c:
pinkmarshmallow, on 01 Aug 2017 - 4:39 PM, said:
I do enjoy looking at the food pics in addition to reading about your daily life
Mpa would be so much less fun without your thread
thank you <3
fruitpassion, on 01 Aug 2017 - 4:43 PM, said:
Please don't feel any pressure to continue this thread, everyone here would support whatever steps you take in order to aid your recovery
I do love your porridge porn thread idea!!!
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thank u so much! n yeah i think it'd be a good excuse to still have a thread n reason to keep posting c:
Chaola, on 01 Aug 2017 - 4:49 PM, said:
I enjoy everything, reading about you and your life but ofcourse your food is that extra nice thing
thank you chao! <3 <3
coffee.cake, on 01 Aug 2017 - 5:57 PM, said:
im really proud of you for wanting to recover c: u should to whatever makes u comfortable, either way, id keep reading about your life and looking at your yummy food pics, even if you didn't include everything or count calories !!
thank you <3 that rlly means a lot i'd still love to post even if its a bit less obsessive n accountable
peanutbutter., on 01 Aug 2017 - 6:56 PM, said:
When we went to New York I made a strict like itinerary to get everything done that I wanted lmao. You should def see a broadway show! + obvs loads of good food stuff!
In regards to this thread/ recovery, think u could either start a new thread just for porridge stuff or like just post pics with no cal numbers? That's probs what I'd do I think! Best of luck with everything, glad u got the pancakes they look amazing + I rlly wanna try pb + j malt loaf now haha
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haha yeah im pretty sure im gonna end up doing the same!! n yeah im not even into shows but i feel like couldnt go without seeing a broadway show
thank u bb <3 <3 yeah just posting pics with less numbers n stuff is quite appealing so might be what i end up doing c:
definitely try pbj malt loaf when ur back here its a total game changer
Cinderellinger, on 01 Aug 2017 - 7:13 PM, said:
I lived in NYC for almost ten years and loved it. What are you and your mum planning on doing while you're there? FYI for the best view of the Statue of Liberty, (without having to take a ferry or anything, although Staten Island Ferry will take you right by it for free...but there's not a whole lot to do in Staten Island once you get there,) is from Brooklyn in a neighborhood specifically called Red Hook. If you walk down Van Brunt to where the piers are, you can get a really good look at the statue from there and grab some little snacks/groceries from the Fairway Market nearby.
Ugh, I'm actually kind of jealous because I really miss New York and haven't been back since I moved! I digress though. I think peanutbutter's idea about posting pics w/o cals is a good idea. But honestly if this blog is holding you back from recovery in any way and that's something you want to pursue, seriously don't feel bad about changing the way you post or taking a break from it or quitting it altogether. You are in charge of your own decisions! And you don't need to take your followers' thoughts/opinions into account when it comes to your own well-being and personal growth (and how you go about achieving that).
aw thats so cool omg! i'm going with my whole fam (so dad + sister too, its just me n my mum who are super excited n will probably end up planning/leading the trip c': ) think central park n stuff will be really nice on christmas day, twin tower memorial, top of the rock, broadway show, macys / shopping (boxing day sales??), obvs good food n yeah im open to suggestions too!! but we are only there for 3 days haha
aw thank u for the tip!! thats really good to know, we will probs wanna see statue of liberty but idk if we're bothered enough to get on a ferry n stuff so that would be perfect
aw haha i hope u get to go back soon!
& thank you <3 idk if its holding me back yet but i think if i continue to make progress it will do, if that makes sense
thank u so much for that! i do really love posting but think in future i'll likely step down from the accountability side, still post food pics but maybe w/o calorie counts n without the pressure of a daily update n stuff? like just post as and when i have stuff to say idk c:
it really means a lot that ppl are so supportive though aw!!
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seaweed~` , on 01 Aug 2017 - 7:31 PM, said:
new york at christmas that's like my ultimate dreammm omgg :-; have fun!! also, it's totally your decision as to what to do regarding posting here (or not) but yea if you stop, I'll still support you ofc!! recovery would defo mean being not attached to this thread/site and living life but baby steps haha,sometimes I feel like MPA is a bad addiction whoops.
i know omg me tooooo, i'm so excited *~* i'll post so many pics ofc
& thank you so much c: i agree tbh n yeah definitely think it's a bad addiction, it really only encourages ED to flourish more tbh (although ofc has positives too! have met so many lovely n understanding ppl on here)
rogue robot, on 02 Aug 2017 - 12:06 AM, said:
You're purpose isn't to please everyone, for what it's worth I think your mental wellbeing is more important! But tbh I think everyone would still follow anyway, it could be really inspirational to read about your journey towards recovery, and you could still throw in food pics when you have something particularly yummy - you could do one pic each day of the best meal you had or something?? Whatever you decide to do, everyone's got your back
P.S NYC!!! Omg
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thank u rogue <3 thats rlly good to hear bc i would still like to continue posting (otherwise i'd really miss everyone ive met on here)
that's exactly what i was thinking! maybe a new thread which is much more relaxed so can just post as n when i feel like it rather than feeling obliged to do a daily update, food highlights bc im sure i'm gonna keep my food insta so will still be taking pics of the good stuff c: thank you <3
n omg i know im so excited!!
dancingstardust35, on 02 Aug 2017 - 03:34 AM, said:
Definitely do what is best for your recovery. Your life is about finding love joy and peace for yourself; your life is not about pleasitsng others, and in your heart you know what is best for your recovery and so take baby steps to get there and be patient with yourself.
You deserve a full life. (and I know those words make us feel like crying, and that's exactly the point lol. - hearing that we deserve a full life tells ED that she needs to take a back seat in your mind, and that feels like a small death to her, it will be a struggle, shifting to having another voice leading your actions, thoughts and feelings, but true growth can come only from struggle).
Whatever you need to do to have more headspace to be creative and to live a full and rich life, is what i wish for you (for all of us) love love. xxd
thank you so much <3
agh thank you <3 i know, its so hard to live a proper full life and be able to truly live in the moment with ED in control of everything bc even when you dont think its affecting things it is, i fool myself im happier by turning down invites n eating my own safe meals but thats just ED talking yknow
thank you so much xxx
Anniel, on 02 Aug 2017 - 04:56 AM, said:
Do what you need to do for your own mental health and well being! I for one want to see you happy and well and if this thread(or another) then that is great, but if not, that is great too. You deserve to not be burdened by an ED holding you back from life.
If it helps, letting go of my accountability and taking a step back from MPA is really helping with my mental health. I thought about other ways I could structure my accountability, but as long as the focus was on "updating" I realized that was disordered. I had to rip the bandaid off.
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thank you anniel! reading your thread was one of the things that reminded me to say something about this thread n think about if i wanna start updating less or change up what i include in updates etc
i'm so glad it's helping you!! and you may definitely be right about the bandaid thing but im so wussy haha, trying to take things at a slow enough pace as to not freak myself out or anything c': but yeah you are right <3
winter-grrrl, on 02 Aug 2017 - 07:21 AM, said:
do what you need to do, please don't feel pressured to continue a thread because it was started in the first place for you.
If you feel this is slightly hindering to your recovery, allow yourself the ability to let it go.
I know in my own recovery (not now, clearly) that allowing myself to let habits go was one of the hardest things to do, but it really was long term beneficial for me.
Do your thing lovely
thank you <3 you're right i did start this thread to help me and now its less about helping me and more just a habit i guess, i dont think its hindering me really so far but if i continue to make progress how i want to then it will, and i do think it'd be good to be a bit less accountable like maybe start with not posting cals for each meal n just a daily total or something?
yeah i think youre definitely right!! im sorry things arent going as well anymore, i hope u can start working towards recovery again soon <3
lose_it, on 02 Aug 2017 - 08:18 AM, said:
Do whatever makes YOU happy, Emma. We'll still all be here n rooting for you. No one is gonna feel any less for you chick. Far from it n 'if' they did, then there not really caring about you at all.
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thank you so much <3
pb.is.my.weakness, on 02 Aug 2017 - 09:19 AM, said:
ayyy "welcome to new york" sorry am obsessed with Taylor Swift okay I'll just leave now lol
haha i wouldn't have got the reference if you hadn't have said c':
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Posted 02 August 2017 - 01:58 PM
emma!! i've caught up and just wanted to say that i'm super freakin proud of you for making this step, you're so brave for doing so ♡ new york is a freakin amazing place, for me being there in february literally cast so many of my problems aside even if it was for the time being and i felt so free, maybe it was because the city was so big and wonderful and i really hope that you'll be able to get that feeling too c: it's probably gonna snow over christmas too which will be such a magical feeling!! bring back some of those american flavours of things c;
updating on this thread/insta is entirely up to you, obvs we won't hold you to anything bc i think you've said before that those who truly recover are those who eventually leave "recovery ig" or turn their account into something else more positive etc, like you said yours could remain porridge but that's a step to take and something to decide when you get there, it's all up to you friend ♡
super super proud, can't even describe it tbh ♡
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Posted 02 August 2017 - 02:33 PM
aloha !
breakfast was coconut protein porridge with black forest berries (381)
work pitta ~ mexican bean n chilli dip, mushrooms, spinach, chicken (272)
snacked on dark chocolate & cherry cashew kind bar (174)
for dinner me n my parents shared half a crispy aromatic duck with pancakes n hoisin sauce this was one of our regular favourites in the past pre-ED n all that jazz so was really nice to have it again
i had 4 pancakes like this (387) so 1/3 of all the stuff pictured above, ngl this was a pretty ~lean~ pancake for me the others i did have some of the crispy fat haha
n yeah that's a hello kitty onesie lol
n for my dessert had this tiramisu!! (226) as a kid i hated tiramisu but figured i'd probably like it now that i love coffee and i was right omg it's so delicious, will get these again for sure
total: 1446
6 hour shift but low step count still, quelle surprise
thinking of coffee i feel like i havent rlly told u guys but i drink always atleast one coffee a day n up to three on some days, i include them in my total (always <10cal each) but never bother photographing them as it just looks like black coffee lmao but yeah just so u know, i rlly love coffee man
tomorrow is my next uncounted/intuitive day n honestly i've actually been looking forward to it!! as i mentioned im going to a super fancy sushi restaurant with some friends so it will be rlly nice to see them n i feel like im gonna be fine with not counting as i'll just be catching up with them n having a good time, ED thoughts often fade when im having fun socialising i think (like normies help bring out my normie side?) n there's also the fact that i know sushi is generally pretty low cal and stuff so that takes some of the pressure off haha, but if we go anywhere else in the day i think i'll be okay too, cocktails were mentioned so maybe will be having a fancy beverage too
idk i really think its gonna be alright im in a pretty good headspace atm!
ive also been thinking about the fitbit app n i had an idea that now im trying not to pay too much attention to my predicted tdee on days im at work maybe itd be worth just deleting it for now and redownloading it in september when it'll regain its relevance (im thinking for the next year of uni to make walking my predominant exercise n therefore hopefully being less obsessive with gym habits so i have more time to do other stuff) so like atm on work days im kinda just thinking of aiming to hit my general 1400-1600 range (like today ended up on the lower side just bc of what my meals ended up being) n then potentially a bit more if i go gym or whatnot, idk it makes sense bc even if i tell myself not to look at it atm im still checking it so maybe should just delete it for now?
either way im still feeling positive n stuff yay
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astronaute, on 02 Aug 2017 - 1:58 PM, said:
Spoileremma!! i've caught up and just wanted to say that i'm super freakin proud of you for making this step, you're so brave for doing so ♡ new york is a freakin amazing place, for me being there in february literally cast so many of my problems aside even if it was for the time being and i felt so free, maybe it was because the city was so big and wonderful and i really hope that you'll be able to get that feeling too c: it's probably gonna snow over christmas too which will be such a magical feeling!! bring back some of those american flavours of things c;
updating on this thread/insta is entirely up to you, obvs we won't hold you to anything bc i think you've said before that those who truly recover are those who eventually leave "recovery ig" or turn their account into something else more positive etc, like you said yours could remain porridge but that's a step to take and something to decide when you get there, it's all up to you friend ♡
super super proud, can't even describe it tbh ♡
aw thank u kiki <3
it's super weird like i had some recovery related thoughts and mentioned them and then all of the encouragement from ppl has just made me thinking about it more n stuff like i was never expecting to be thinking this positively about it its kinda just happened c':
ahh im so excited for new york omg, im so glad you had a great time! i really think it'll be so magical n amazing
thank you <3 yeah i do still stand by that tbh! but i have met so many lovely ppl on this site so i feel like i'd still wanna check up on everyone so even if i did stop my thread completely i'd probs still check other ppls? but yeah could definitely start on a new thread with less pressure or less of an accountability vibe, maybe a porridge one or just a general one for photos of nice food but other things too
thank u aw ilysm <3
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Posted 02 August 2017 - 04:37 PM
chocolatemilk, on 18 Jan 2016 - 11:52 AM, said:
18/1
weight: 116.4 (-0.4) / bmi: 20.4
breakfast:
I LOVE this bowl. Do you mind me asking where you bought it?
Also, I'm definitely following. <3
check out my accountability: autumn storms & bonfire nights
TIMELINE:
10/01 starting bmi of 21
11/01 goal bmi of 20
12/01 goal bmi of 19.5
1/01 goal bmi of 19
2/01 goal bmi of 18.5
3/01 goal bmi of 17.7
my meal plan is under the spoiler.
Breakfast
- baked egg and spinach recipe (200)
- two eggs over easy on low calorie bread (200)
- oatmeal with nonfat milk (200)
- low calorie toast & avocado with a single egg (200)
Lunch
- vegetable soup, lentil soup, or homemade chili (300) with a side of bread, small salad, or fruit (100)
- sandwich with low calorie bread, deli meat, greens, avocado, and cheese (400)
- burrito bowl with mostly spinach and beans, chopped tomato, and some avocado and cheese (400)
Post-workout
- whey protein and half a cup chocolate milk (170)
Snack
- goldfish crackers (140)
- apple (70)
- air-popped popcorn with zero cal spray butter (140)
Dinner
- protein choice of shrimp, salmon, or chicken (150), vegetables of choice (100), and avocado (100)
Dessert
- dark beer (150)
- smirnoff ice screwdriver with diet sprite (200)
- halo top (100/150)
- oatmeal (150)
- Greek yogurt (100/130)
- frozen fruit & kefir (100/150)
#4665
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Posted 02 August 2017 - 04:37 PM
killir, on 02 Aug 2017 - 2:51 PM, said:
teeee that tiramisu looks rad cx
coffees are lyfe n idc what they look like I would love to see the famous chocolatemilk coffees cx
hope you have tons o fun on your friend sushi date c:
it was so good oml
haha aw maybe i'll take a pic of my morning coffee tomorrow just for u <3
& tysm c:
Poison Pixie 666, on 02 Aug 2017 - 3:31 PM, said:
Hey! Omg ur food looks amazing!! Hope u enjoy ur sushi day tomorrow with mates. I think deleting the fitbit app is an awesome idea. I wish I hadn't bought my Garmin tbh. Oh and I found out I don't get anywhere near enough protein, so I went a bit mental with protein supplies....check out the protein stash pic lol!
thank you! & agh im sorry you bought one, ive been so tempted in the past but i think it'd end up making things worse in the long run >.< maybe you could try sell it again? pls dont feel obliged to use it if its damaging <3
n omg that haul!! im jealous c: recently bought a couple carb killas n it made me miss my protein bars haha i might have to do a big haul soon c':
coffee.cake, on 02 Aug 2017 - 4:19 PM, said:
omg i love those duck wrap things, it's so easy to get carried away with them though >_> hope you can have fun tomorrow !!
me too hoisin duck is the best!! n tysm <3
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Posted 02 August 2017 - 04:38 PM
darkeraura, on 02 Aug 2017 - 4:37 PM, said:
I LOVE this bowl. Do you mind me asking where you bought it?
Also, I'm definitely following. <3
it's from the UK store wilkos!
and spoiler alert things have changed a lotttt since that post but thank you for following
#4667
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Posted 02 August 2017 - 04:50 PM
chocolatemilk, on 02 Aug 2017 - 4:38 PM, said:
it's from the UK store wilkos!
and spoiler alert things have changed a lotttt since that post but thank you for following
Too bad it's out of stock! I'll have to search the internet for one.
I'll have to go back and catch up on everything! I love peeking to the lives of other people with EDs. It makes this website seem less anonymous and more like a community.
check out my accountability: autumn storms & bonfire nights
TIMELINE:
10/01 starting bmi of 21
11/01 goal bmi of 20
12/01 goal bmi of 19.5
1/01 goal bmi of 19
2/01 goal bmi of 18.5
3/01 goal bmi of 17.7
my meal plan is under the spoiler.
Breakfast
- baked egg and spinach recipe (200)
- two eggs over easy on low calorie bread (200)
- oatmeal with nonfat milk (200)
- low calorie toast & avocado with a single egg (200)
Lunch
- vegetable soup, lentil soup, or homemade chili (300) with a side of bread, small salad, or fruit (100)
- sandwich with low calorie bread, deli meat, greens, avocado, and cheese (400)
- burrito bowl with mostly spinach and beans, chopped tomato, and some avocado and cheese (400)
Post-workout
- whey protein and half a cup chocolate milk (170)
Snack
- goldfish crackers (140)
- apple (70)
- air-popped popcorn with zero cal spray butter (140)
Dinner
- protein choice of shrimp, salmon, or chicken (150), vegetables of choice (100), and avocado (100)
Dessert
- dark beer (150)
- smirnoff ice screwdriver with diet sprite (200)
- halo top (100/150)
- oatmeal (150)
- Greek yogurt (100/130)
- frozen fruit & kefir (100/150)
#4668
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Posted 03 August 2017 - 03:12 PM
omg guys, i was quietly confident for today but still didn't anticipate for it to go as well as it has! i've had such a good day i think it was my most ED-free day so far (maybe since the cruise, the cruise was good too), definitely think my intake is the highest it's been so far in 2017 but i didn't unnecessarily overeat or binge or anything, i just spent a day with good company and enjoyed myself, told myself I was gonna leave ED at home today and have definitely followed through with that
breakfast was black forest berry n cocoa chilly oats with marshmallows n choc shot, i didnt weigh stuff but know this was a smaller portion than usual bc im out of oats so i used a 27g sachet (usually have been using 40g for chilly oats)
then i got the bus to town n train to leeds to meet my friends n we went to the super fancy sushi place c:
i got this selection platter thing to share with my friend! it had salmon n tuna gyoza, miso soup, lil sea bass thing, beet salad, crispy chicken n some sushi rolls <3 it was all absolutely delicious!
also a lil spicy pork bao bun!! which was also delicious <3
then we moved on to super fancy cocktail place the alchemist
i opted for this "aero mint" cocktail which did taste like aero mint tbh!! but also tasted very alcoholic haha
this place was fancy n we took our time over our drinks bc they were quite indulgent n stuff u couldnt rlly drink them fast, but then moved on to turtle bay for the rest of the afternoon where the cocktails were on 2 for 1 haha
cocktail #2 was a strawberry daiquiri reminded me of the cruise
n cocktail #3 was this blackberry flavour one which was rlly yum
i hadn't drank for a while so felt the effects of these haha c': a combination of sushi not being overly filling, alcohol and the smell of jerk chicken in turtle bay meant i ended up feeling pretty peckish as did my friends so then we went to grab some dinner at....
taco bell !!! omg!!
i got a chicken quesadilla meal (!!!) i.e came with chips rather than just opting for one thing!!
my friends were getting their stuff with chips n tbh everyone else i saw was too w/o a second thought so i was kinda like why shouldnt i get a meal?? was pretty hungry and i wanted it and it was so good omg! im ngl i couldve left some of the chips, but i didnt rlly want to n my friends didnt leave any of theirs so whatever!! im still buzzing over this, didnt even know they had taco bell in leeds but its only just opened
i felt quite full after the taco bell but was so content c: when i went to the loo my brain was like "hey... u could purge..." and i was kinda like wtf lol shut up? bc i was having such a damn good day n honestly i felt a bit full but my tummy felt happy like i almost felt like pre-ED days when i could indulge n stuff
after some of the harder days ive had recently today really has filled me with so much hope and im so much happier today than on days when ive been consumed with ED guilt so it really just confirms that this is how i'd wanna live my life n i think i'd rather be happy n social n carefree than objectively thin but lonely and sad. i feel like maybe the harder days recently have actually helped me make these huge steps forward tbh bc i just dont wanna feel that bad n i know it was just ED that made me have those rough days
so yeah another uncounted day success yay!! my brain is still calculating n stuff n i think my food has been <2000 but with drinks definitely well into the 2000s which is so mad to think of bc usually that would be so terrifying but im honestly fine?? bc i know i havent overeaten ive just had a fun day n my friends will do stuff like this on the regular n theyre not hugely obese or anything, its fine to have fun lol
wow i really have a feeling this day has been huge for me, such a big step and im full of so much hope
thank you so much to everybody who has helped me get this far <3
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Posted 03 August 2017 - 03:23 PM
chocolatemilk, on 03 Aug 2017 - 3:12 PM, said:
i felt quite full after the taco bell but was so content c: when i went to the loo my brain was like "hey... u could purge..." and i was kinda like wtf lol shut up? bc i was having such a damn good day n honestly i felt a bit full but my tummy felt happy like i almost felt like pre-ED days when i could indulge n stuff
after some of the harder days ive had recently today really has filled me with so much hope and im so much happier today than on days when ive been consumed with ED guilt so it really just confirms that this is how i'd wanna live my life n i think i'd rather be happy n social n carefree than objectively thin but lonely and sad. i feel like maybe the harder days recently have actually helped me make these huge steps forward tbh bc i just dont wanna feel that bad n i know it was just ED that made me have those rough days
so yeah another uncounted day success yay!! my brain is still calculating n stuff n i think my food has been <2000 but with drinks definitely well into the 2000s which is so mad to think of bc usually that would be so terrifying but im honestly fine?? bc i know i havent overeaten ive just had a fun day n my friends will do stuff like this on the regular n theyre not hugely obese or anything, its fine to have fun lol
wow i really have a feeling this day has been huge for me, such a big step and im full of so much hope
thank you so much to everybody who has helped me get this far <3
I'm so happy to see you controlled your actions instead of allowing your thoughts to control you! You're right, it really does sound like you've made huge steps forward. And one day of fun with friends honestly won't impact your weight at all, but the memories you made having such a good time will last the rest of your life.
Do you mind me asking what your current goal is? Are you losing, maintaining, or just trying to have a healthier relationship with food by breaking your b/p cycle? Because the last one seems to make you happiest. <3
check out my accountability: autumn storms & bonfire nights
TIMELINE:
10/01 starting bmi of 21
11/01 goal bmi of 20
12/01 goal bmi of 19.5
1/01 goal bmi of 19
2/01 goal bmi of 18.5
3/01 goal bmi of 17.7
my meal plan is under the spoiler.
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Posted 03 August 2017 - 03:52 PM
darkeraura, on 02 Aug 2017 - 4:50 PM, said:
Too bad it's out of stock! I'll have to search the internet for one.
I'll have to go back and catch up on everything! I love peeking to the lives of other people with EDs. It makes this website seem less anonymous and more like a community.
i've been looking in wilkos for a few months so they probably no longer sell the heart-shaped bowls and plates anymore
#4671
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Posted 03 August 2017 - 03:54 PM
chocolatemilk, on 03 Aug 2017 - 3:12 PM, said:
omg guys, i was quietly confident for today but still didn't anticipate for it to go as well as it has! i've had such a good day
breakfast was black forest berry n cocoa chilly oats with marshmallows n choc shot, i didnt weigh stuff but know this was a smaller portion than usual bc im out of oats so i used a 27g sachet (usually have been using 40g for chilly oats)
then i got the bus to town n train to leeds to meet my friends n we went to the super fancy sushi place c:
i got this selection platter thing to share with my friend! it had salmon n tuna gyoza, miso soup, lil sea bass thing, beet salad, crispy chicken n some sushi rolls <3 it was all absolutely delicious!
also a spicy pork bao bun!! which was also delicious <3
then we moved on to super fancy cocktail place the alchemist
i opted for this "aero mint" cocktail which did taste like aero mint tbh!! but also tasted very alcoholic haha
this place was fancy n we took our time over our drinks bc they were quite indulgent n stuff u couldnt rlly drink them fast, but then moved on to turtle bay for the rest of the afternoon where the cocktails were on 2 for 1 haha
cocktail #2 was a strawberry daiquiri
n cocktail #3 was this blackberry flavour one which was rlly yum
i hadn't drank for a while so felt the effects of these haha c': a combination of sushi not being overly filling, alcohol and the smell of jerk chicken in turtle bay meant i ended up feeling pretty peckish as did my friends so then we went to grab some dinner at....
taco bell !!! omg!!
i got a chicken quesadilla meal (!!!) i.e came with chips rather than just opting for one thing!!
my friends were getting their stuff with chips n tbh everyone else i saw was too w/o a second thought so i was kinda like why shouldnt i get a meal?? was pretty hungry and i wanted it and it was so good omg! im ngl i couldve left some of the chips, but i didnt rlly want to n my friends didnt leave any of theirs so whatever!! im still buzzing over this, didnt even know they had taco bell in leeds but its only just opened
i felt quite full after the taco bell but was so content c: when i went to the loo my brain was like "hey... u could purge..." and i was kinda like wtf lol shut up? bc i was having such a damn good day n honestly i felt a bit full but my tummy felt happy like i almost felt like pre-ED days when i could indulge n stuff
after some of the harder days ive had recently today really has filled me with so much hope and im so much happier today than on days when ive been consumed with ED guilt so it really just confirms that this is how i'd wanna live my life n i think i'd rather be happy n social n carefree than objectively thin but lonely and sad. i feel like maybe the harder days recently have actually helped me make these huge steps forward tbh bc i just dont wanna feel that bad n i know it was just ED that made me have those rough days
so yeah another uncounted day success yay!! my brain is still calculating n stuff n i think my food has been <2000 but with drinks definitely well into the 2000s which is so mad to think of bc usually that would be so terrifying but im honestly fine?? bc i know i havent overeaten ive just had a fun day n my friends will do stuff like this on the regular n theyre not hugely obese or anything, its fine to have fun lol
wow i really have a feeling this day has been huge for me, such a big step and im full of so much hope
thank you so much to everybody who has helped me get this far <3
i am so happy that this has been the best day for you eating-wise this year and that you are enjoying the food and manage to fight the voice that asks you to purge
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Posted 03 August 2017 - 04:14 PM
darkeraura, on 03 Aug 2017 - 3:23 PM, said:
I'm so happy to see you controlled your actions instead of allowing your thoughts to control you! You're right, it really does sound like you've made huge steps forward. And one day of fun with friends honestly won't impact your weight at all, but the memories you made having such a good time will last the rest of your life.
Do you mind me asking what your current goal is? Are you losing, maintaining, or just trying to have a healthier relationship with food by breaking your b/p cycle? Because the last one seems to make you happiest. <3
thank you so much <3
ahh i don't have a b/p cycle! i just briefly thought about purging today bc i'd eaten/drank a lot more than usual, i haven't binged or purged in a long time (not at all this year) like i don't have a problem with that, my ED is basically 100% restrictive n i've been obsessively maintaining my ~UGW~ around bmi 16.5 for over a year now so maintenance has been my goal for a long time, but just recently ive had a lot of realisations about how this isn't rlly making me happy and that i don't want my whole life to be like this (it's so isolating n takes up so much headspace) so just recently have been trying to make steps towards recovery, which for me would be intuitive eating, losing the obsessiveness (n therefore if successful would probs also end up slowly gaining bc if i was eating intuitively i think i'd gain as i've never been able to maintain a weight this low naturally n don't think my body is happy here)
sorry thats rambly but hope it makes sense!
pinkmarshmallow, on 03 Aug 2017 - 3:54 PM, said:
i am so happy that this has been the best day for you eating-wise this year and that you are enjoying the food and manage to fight the voice that asks you to purge
thank you <3 & i dont have an issue with purging honestly >.< idk why i mentioned it, i just thought of it today bc i'd eaten more than usual :c but no i keep down everything on this thread
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#4674
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Posted 03 August 2017 - 04:28 PM
chocolatemilk, on 03 Aug 2017 - 4:22 PM, said:
I just wanted to say/clarify something
SpoilerI know if you look at my thread and my intake and the foods I eat it really doesn't look like i'm a restrictive anorexic but that is how I kinda identify my ED, i know it sounds stupid bc i eat so much more than others on this site but i really struggle with the obsessive thoughts constantly every day and have created a really rigid routine to maintain this low weight so it is restrictive for me? bc also unlike a lot of others on this site i never have cheat days or binge days or anything like today was the most i've eaten in so long n apart from that i've posted everything i've eaten all year, what u see is what u get, and i keep all of it down
I just wanna clarify that bc i'm aware looking at my intake you might assume I have problems with purging or binging or stuff but i lost all the weight through restriction and then actually worked up to this intake u_u im really sorry for any confusion
n i'm also gonna be honest that after spending some time on mpa just now i'm now quite embarrassed about my intake today which completely fucking sucks so now i'm just gonna go to bed
blagh, this site can be toxic at times
i know you don't binge coz i've re-read your entire thread a few times. but since you have been considering recovering, any victory over any ED voice is good x
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Posted 03 August 2017 - 04:52 PM
pinkmarshmallow, on 03 Aug 2017 - 4:28 PM, said:
i know you don't binge coz i've re-read your entire thread a few times. but since you have been considering recovering, any victory over any ED voice is good x
thank you <3 yeah i do totally agree! xx
i think im just a bit paranoid about what people are gonna think of my post today idk idk
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Posted 03 August 2017 - 04:59 PM
#4677
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Posted 03 August 2017 - 06:59 PM
i'm honestly so happy u had such a nice day (+ then i was like noooo when i saw u felt worried about what ppl would think on here, fuck those ppl lol) i love turtle bay! i've had cocktails there a couple times with my choir lol so good!
+ chips! anything with chips is gr8 lmao. you've done so well today, don't feel like u have to post on here if you're worried about what ppl think cos u don't need that negativity <3 love u bb <3
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💜 My accountability 💜
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Stats: 5"4
HW: 165
LW: 106.4
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GW: 90
#4678
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Posted 03 August 2017 - 08:16 PM
Wow omg I just finished reading through your entire accountability - it took me like a month of reading in free time/at work/whatever and I can't believe I actually did it. Like, watching you progress and grow and change, wow, so cool. It's weird to think I'm like in real time with you now, after reading about your life like the past two years or whatever, it's always felt like reading a history, but now it's all happening today. Crazy man. This is a super weird, rambly comment, lol, sorry! But anyways, I love your accountability and you should be so proud of where you've come from and where you are now and how well you are doing at challenging your ed and all that. Girl, I have faith that someday you'll recover and not have ed thoughts and enjoy life 100% - I really hope that for you! You are an inspiration and so sweet and kind and I'm def gonna keep following you whatever you decide to do next. Also you are so cute
#4679
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Posted 04 August 2017 - 12:29 AM
eep this is such a major accomplishment I'm so freaking happy for you :') I think this will definitely lessen those fears that if you eat too much, you'll end up binge-ing? Those worries are pretty much unfounded tbh, you've always done so well haha. you should definitely do this again, hang out with your friends/family and just enjoy food and life without those pesky ED thoughts bcos you deserve it so much!! I don't rly have much to say besides this haha I'm just proud on your behalf, you're always so inspiring .~.
#4680
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Posted 04 August 2017 - 01:55 AM
EMMA. you are freakin amazing, you know that?
i'm so so happy that you got to have a good time yesterday and have liquid cals in drinks which i remember you were rly scared to do just a couple months ago, and have more than one meal out - seriously, you've come so far in such a short time, and you should be so proud of yourself ♡ unfortunately the ed thoughts like the one telling you to purge etc still come on really strong in the beginning but i know that in time it will fade and you will be able to overcome it.
just also wanted to say that in the time i've known you, it has never once crossed my mind that you purge, or that you don't have an ed. it's tricky saying things around this topic bc i don't want to come across as encouraging disordered thoughts/validating behaviours but at the end of the day, you're the person who knows your brain best, and especially on the internet, where people don't see everything you do, everyone else's opinion is simply just that - an opinion. to someone reading through your entire thread, they can see the restriction, leading up to gradually maintaining, and i highly doubt anyone who has seen that thinks that you're a fake for eating "too much". people who have just hopped on the thread randomly and seen a couple posts here and there without bothering to read back before saying anything are a different story, and they may think what they like because i promise that it won't affect you. disorders manifest themselves in super different ways for each person and just because your way might not fit someone else's doesn't mean that it's not valid.
anywayyyy *cough* shutupkels *cough* i rly hope that you get to have more days like this in the future bc it sounded like you had loads of fun!! + you always deserve a good time ♡ hope you feel better!! ♡
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Posted 04 August 2017 - 06:06 AM
**Tapatalk**
#4682
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Posted 04 August 2017 - 06:26 AM
YAY.. so so happy and excited and inspired to read about your wonderful day, a day in which ED voice was mostly in the backseat of your mind! Real life. you so deserve it.
About the sudden and absurd thought of purging.. hahaha .. ED voice is so sneaky and manipulative and desperate when she feels she is being pushed to the back of our minds, it actually makes me laugh sometimes how ridiculous my ED voice can be. It helps to be gentle with her, find her funny, rather than threatening, she is just doing what she knows .. she is just a pattern of thought, compulsive obsessive thinking builds very strong neural pathways,.. to break down those pathways and rebuild new ones.. it takes a lot of practice and patience.
In fact, I was just telling another member about the neurology behind what ED voice will do when it feels threatened. I'll copy it here: She was talking about the sudden desire to SH after years of not doing it, but it could be purging, or restricting, or any other self destructive behaviour, especially one that we have not engaged in .. in a long time:
This sudden overwhelming desire to do something self destructive or feel negatively or talk negatively to yourself after having done something that you know is good for you (like eating intuitively) is so totally normal ! it is a sign that you truly are letting go of deep self -destructive patters of thought!!
It is THE typical response of the ego/self-destructive neural pathway you have built in the brain, it is what happens when it feels its death coming. It fights back harder than ever in very manipulative old ways, it is trying to stay 'alive'.. it is just trying to do what it knows to do.
this is what happens to me when I experience spiritual growth, my ego is in fact dying because neural pathways (obsessive thoughts about self destruction, compulsion to stay in what is familiar) start to break down and those pathways are literally fighting for their lives to stay alive, and so they take desperate measures, seeking ''joinings'' with other old pathways. and centers of the brain, SH, purging, etc, will trigger the physical, emotional, intellectual and spirtitual centers, so it is a very strong joining, totally normal that these crazy thoughts came up because you are connecting with and into your true self as you grow new self-loving pathways, that permit you to experience more freedom to live life fully.
be ready .. there will probably be lots of yo-yo-ing back and forth in your mind, as you build new self loving thought patters, behaviours etc,.. they ego and self destructive pathways will say and do all sorts of insane shit while they fight not to die.
I am going through a similar thing right now , the struggle is very painful, but we are on the right path. STRUGGLE is simply an opportunity for growth ! I am happy for both of us and I will think of you as I fight on to regain a life for myself.
you are fucking awesome Emma. Hang on for this wild ride, ED will fight back, just gently remind her, she can take a backseat, she isn't needed anymore. You want to experience life fully.
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Posted 04 August 2017 - 04:41 PM
thank you guys for the amazing replies, i always read them throughout the day in spare minutes but wait until i'm properly sat down and stuff in the evening to reply properly, which i will do after today's update
no restriction today despite my indulgent day yesterday - i told myself if I was genuinely less hungry bc of yesterday I should listen to that but i woke up today with my regular appetite so had a regular day, which I think was the best thing tbh bc having a lower day would kinda make yesterday redundant?? i don't need to compensate for having a good day
decided to include coffee pics today dedicated to @killir aka mpa's resident god of coffees <3
this was my morning coffee - with toffee flavdrops n a lil splash of almond milk for (6)
breakfast was soreen with pb n black cherry jam (303) cherry is rlly my jam at the moment (haha shut up chocolatemilk)
lovely lunch was a pizza express "la reine" pizza n spinach bc health (650)
pre-work coffee was just black with vanilla flavdrops (2)
dinner was my work foodloop pitta (269)
n took these snacks to work too ~ (afternoon snack) apricot almond yoghurt bar (156) + (post-dinner) biscolata biscuit (165) <3
total: 1549
+ 8 hour shift tonight ew
mfp says i'd gain on this lol, what a toxic website
i dont have much interesting to say about today but i was thinking about yesterday and i feel like with yesterdays success n stuff i've basically reached the point i wanted to be at for the start of september - i did alcohol calories and i did ~intuitive eating~ n was social etc, it was everything i wanted c: and really if i can do that on social days or whatnot then i could potentially carry on counting my calories n stuff on regular uni days if i wanted to so i think thats a really good place to be at, i still do wanna end up being able to eat intuitively all the time and give up calorie counting someday but hopefully at uni i can atleast let it go when i have fun social plans
now all i gotta do is stay on top of it so that i don't go backwards, so my plan for the rest of summer is to keep up with going out of my comfort zone n try to make more plans with friends on my days off so that i'm still doing well in september!!
i'm really determined you guys. i was thinking about my weight and stuff this morning and i really do think the whole goal weight thing is kinda a false reward bc it's exciting at first but then it doesn't actually benefit your life at all - quite the opposite tbh. so although it goes against everything my brain says n completely against my comfort/safe zone then (cant believe im typing this) think i'd rather be happy and weigh more than sad n objectively thin, after all pre-ED i was never big, i had a normal healthy body. this seems like such a massive u-turn n such a big statement to make but yeah i really was so much happier yesterday being carefree n social than ive ever been from engaging in ED behaviour n stuff, its like a false happiness n just a complete comfort thing with no real reward (as far as i can recall nobody has ever even complimented me on this body and although i prefer it to my pre-ED body i can't say i'm overly confident in myself or anything, have just gotten used to it and dont feel small anymore)
damn, it's actually relieving to have this revelation bc i think i can hopefully work to being kinder to myself now
i hope you guys can work towards being kinder to yourselves too, EDs are so shite honestly
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Posted 04 August 2017 - 04:46 PM
#4685
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Posted 04 August 2017 - 05:01 PM
Ahhhhh!!!! Obviously I don't know you but holy crap this is just the best thing in the world to read, from a weird lil stranger on the internet I am SO happy for you and SO proud of you, those thoughts are incredible are YOU are incredible Emma! Being kind to yourself is such a beautiful thing and such an amazing feat. <3
Also if you like foam banana sweets Turtle Bay do a cocktail that tastes just like them and I love it <3_<3
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Posted 04 August 2017 - 05:18 PM
Poison Pixie 666, on 03 Aug 2017 - 4:59 PM, said:
Ur positive post about ur day out with friends made me cry. So pleased for u that u managed a day out with friends. I'm sorry others posts on MPA made u feel like shit about ur intake but u real shouldn't babes. Maybe u should just focus on ur own accountability and friends who are inna similar stage, coz I agree this place can be toxic sometimes. Don't feel bad tho hun. U ate a normal amount, had a normal day and for once had a normal social life and fun with ur mates. As u so eloquently said, u had a glimpse of normal non ed life. Consequently, when u come back here, all u see is dysfunction and people freaking out over 500 calories (even tho we both know 500 cals ain't sustainable). Don't use other peoples intake as some sort of benchmark hun, u keep doin ur own thing hun...proud of u (please don't let others bring u down). Remember how much of an awesome time u had and how nice it was too feel normal, if only for a while. Keep hold of these positive experiences hun, not others negativity and dysfuntionality. I know how hard today was for u.....be proud not embarrassed xxxxxx
ahhh pixie tysm!!
it's okay, as i just replied in PM im back to feeling good, the shit feeling didn't last as i just slept it off youre right i think sticking to this accountability might be a wise move (and checking up on my friends) bc i also post daily on post pics of your meals which i love but tbh yesterday found reading some other ppls posts quite a negative thing for me so yeah youre definitely right
thank you so much lovely, i am proud of myself and also proud that ive just had a totally normal day today with zero regrets or hang ups about indulging a bit yesterday!!
really hope youre doing well xxxx
peanutbutter., on 03 Aug 2017 - 6:59 PM, said:
i'm honestly so happy u had such a nice day (+ then i was like noooo when i saw u felt worried about what ppl would think on here, fuck those ppl lol) i love turtle bay! i've had cocktails there a couple times with my choir lol so good!
+ chips! anything with chips is gr8 lmao. you've done so well today, don't feel like u have to post on here if you're worried about what ppl think cos u don't need that negativity <3 love u bb <3
thank you so much bb <3 <3
it was my first time going to turtle bay! but i love it too, wanna go back for food at some point bc it smelt rlly good *~*
love u too <3
ps. the biscolata things were so good i had the round one today it was so yum!! thank u again
Sammy_fighting, on 03 Aug 2017 - 8:16 PM, said:
Wow omg I just finished reading through your entire accountability - it took me like a month of reading in free time/at work/whatever and I can't believe I actually did it. Like, watching you progress and grow and change, wow, so cool. It's weird to think I'm like in real time with you now, after reading about your life like the past two years or whatever, it's always felt like reading a history, but now it's all happening today. Crazy man. This is a super weird, rambly comment, lol, sorry! But anyways, I love your accountability and you should be so proud of where you've come from and where you are now and how well you are doing at challenging your ed and all that. Girl, I have faith that someday you'll recover and not have ed thoughts and enjoy life 100% - I really hope that for you! You are an inspiration and so sweet and kind and I'm def gonna keep following you whatever you decide to do next. Also you are so cute
aw wow thank u so much for reading the whole thing <3 i'm still shocked anyone has the time and willpower to read my whole thread now it's so long omg!! thank you <3
n no that is totally so cool haha, sometimes i go back and read some of the earlier posts and it feels like so long ago it's crazy
thank you so much
seaweed~` , on 04 Aug 2017 - 12:29 AM, said:
eep this is such a major accomplishment I'm so freaking happy for you :') I think this will definitely lessen those fears that if you eat too much, you'll end up binge-ing? Those worries are pretty much unfounded tbh, you've always done so well haha. you should definitely do this again, hang out with your friends/family and just enjoy food and life without those pesky ED thoughts bcos you deserve it so much!! I don't rly have much to say besides this haha I'm just proud on your behalf, you're always so inspiring .~.
thank u so much!! yesss definitely, i always get scared bc in the past when i've felt i've "lost control" then it has caused binges in the past, but the thing is if i want and choose to eat more then i haven't lost control so there's no reason to panic eat? so it's literally just about giving yourself permission, or even if it's spontaneous then learning to forgive urself n move on i think
thank you, i really hope youre right and i'll never binge again haha i guess i'm worried bc i do occasionally have the urge still >.< but i just try to remind myself of how miserable it'd make me to binge
i'm definitely gonna do it again yeah!! already discussed meeting the same friends again for a similar day n i'm already looking forward to it omg! thank u so much, the support really means so much <3
astronaute, on 04 Aug 2017 - 01:55 AM, said:
EMMA. you are freakin amazing, you know that?
i'm so so happy that you got to have a good time yesterday and have liquid cals in drinks which i remember you were rly scared to do just a couple months ago, and have more than one meal out - seriously, you've come so far in such a short time, and you should be so proud of yourself ♡ unfortunately the ed thoughts like the one telling you to purge etc still come on really strong in the beginning but i know that in time it will fade and you will be able to overcome it.
just also wanted to say that in the time i've known you, it has never once crossed my mind that you purge, or that you don't have an ed. it's tricky saying things around this topic bc i don't want to come across as encouraging disordered thoughts/validating behaviours but at the end of the day, you're the person who knows your brain best, and especially on the internet, where people don't see everything you do, everyone else's opinion is simply just that - an opinion. to someone reading through your entire thread, they can see the restriction, leading up to gradually maintaining, and i highly doubt anyone who has seen that thinks that you're a fake for eating "too much". people who have just hopped on the thread randomly and seen a couple posts here and there without bothering to read back before saying anything are a different story, and they may think what they like because i promise that it won't affect you. disorders manifest themselves in super different ways for each person and just because your way might not fit someone else's doesn't mean that it's not valid.
anywayyyy *cough* shutupkels *cough* i rly hope that you get to have more days like this in the future bc it sounded like you had loads of fun!! + you always deserve a good time ♡ hope you feel better!! ♡
ahhh kiki tysm!! i know right im so happy i had cocktails!! and tbh being such a lightweight from not drinking meant the cocktails actually had an effect n chilled me out a lot so idk if i'd have gotten the full taco bell meal if it wasn't for them (partly why im scared of alcohol lmao) but its not something to be scared of if it makes me relax enough to have less ED thoughts, surely that is a positive thing
n thank u haha the thought to purge was so ridiculous i practically laughed at myself, smh @ my brain for trying to make me feel bad over a delicious quesadilla n chips which i have wanted for so long n damn enjoyed
n thank you for that <3 you're totally right tbh, and i do know me and i know that the sheer amount of headspace this food/eating thing takes up in my brain definitely counts as disordered
n pls dont shut up haha!! thank u so much, i hope u have some amazing days real soon too <3
Anniel, on 04 Aug 2017 - 06:06 AM, said:
That toxic voice bringing you down about the awesome day you had is the same voice telling you to purge. You had a great day and it made me so happy to hear that you did. There are many more nice days in your future. <3
**Tapatalk**
it definitely was the same voice smh, feels like i have a dark side of my brain that just wants me to be miserable *eyeroll*
thank u so much <3 <3
dancingstardust35, on 04 Aug 2017 - 06:26 AM, said:
YAY.. so so happy and excited and inspired to read about your wonderful day, a day in which ED voice was mostly in the backseat of your mind! Real life. you so deserve it.
About the sudden and absurd thought of purging.. hahaha .. ED voice is so sneaky and manipulative and desperate when she feels she is being pushed to the back of our minds, it actually makes me laugh sometimes how ridiculous my ED voice can be. It helps to be gentle with her, find her funny, rather than threatening, she is just doing what she knows .. she is just a pattern of thought, compulsive obsessive thinking builds very strong neural pathways,.. to break down those pathways and rebuild new ones.. it takes a lot of practice and patience.
In fact, I was just telling another member about the neurology behind what ED voice will do when it feels threatened. I'll copy it here: She was talking about the sudden desire to SH after years of not doing it, but it could be purging, or restricting, or any other self destructive behaviour, especially one that we have not engaged in .. in a long time:
This sudden overwhelming desire to do something self destructive or feel negatively or talk negatively to yourself after having done something that you know is good for you (like eating intuitively) is so totally normal ! it is a sign that you truly are letting go of deep self -destructive patters of thought!!
It is THE typical response of the ego/self-destructive neural pathway you have built in the brain, it is what happens when it feels its death coming. It fights back harder than ever in very manipulative old ways, it is trying to stay 'alive'.. it is just trying to do what it knows to do.
this is what happens to me when I experience spiritual growth, my ego is in fact dying because neural pathways (obsessive thoughts about self destruction, compulsion to stay in what is familiar) start to break down and those pathways are literally fighting for their lives to stay alive, and so they take desperate measures, seeking ''joinings'' with other old pathways. and centers of the brain, SH, purging, etc, will trigger the physical, emotional, intellectual and spirtitual centers, so it is a very strong joining, totally normal that these crazy thoughts came up because you are connecting with and into your true self as you grow new self-loving pathways, that permit you to experience more freedom to live life fully.
be ready .. there will probably be lots of yo-yo-ing back and forth in your mind, as you build new self loving thought patters, behaviours etc,.. they ego and self destructive pathways will say and do all sorts of insane shit while they fight not to die.
I am going through a similar thing right now , the struggle is very painful, but we are on the right path. STRUGGLE is simply an opportunity for growth ! I am happy for both of us and I will think of you as I fight on to regain a life for myself.
you are fucking awesome Emma. Hang on for this wild ride, ED will fight back, just gently remind her, she can take a backseat, she isn't needed anymore. You want to experience life fully.
thank u so much!! it was such an amazing day <3
n omg that makes so much sense!! yep that was exactly the purging voice for me, like i hadnt even imagined i would be getting a taco bell meal yesterday, i'd planned for fancy sushi and even a fancy drink or two, but the taco bell completely threw ED off and i think it was just panicking haha
i have definitely been yo-yoing so much lately as followers of this thread will have seen, feels like recently ive had some of the lowest days in a long time but also of course some of the best days! its so weird but really does make sense, i'm no longer just letting it take the wheel and control my life, im pushing it and sometimes its fighting back but i think i'm winning tbh
ive also had similar with SH too like i havent done it for over two years but sometimes randomly when im down the urge will pop right back up, it's really bizarre when it happens but i think every time you resist it it's just gonna make you stronger rlly
thank you so much for all of your support <3
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Posted 04 August 2017 - 05:21 PM
Poison Pixie 666, on 04 Aug 2017 - 4:46 PM, said:
Phew! Glad ur OK. I pm'd u coz I was so worried about u and didn't realise u were on MPA. Glad ur OK hun and feeling really positive. It sounds like u are slowly moving towards a healthier mindset, well done hun xx
yeah i just replied to your other reply above too!! thank you so much for checking up on me though xxx
legalvegan, on 04 Aug 2017 - 5:01 PM, said:
Ahhhhh!!!! Obviously I don't know you but holy crap this is just the best thing in the world to read, from a weird lil stranger on the internet I am SO happy for you and SO proud of you, those thoughts are incredible are YOU are incredible Emma! Being kind to yourself is such a beautiful thing and such an amazing feat. <3
Also if you like foam banana sweets Turtle Bay do a cocktail that tastes just like them and I love it <3_<3
thank you so much!! ahhh you are too kind <3
n omg i did notice a banana cocktail but iirc it was a creamy one? and i was fancying something fruity after my foamy aero mint one from alchemist otherwise i'd have probs tried it bc i absolutely love banana <3 next time i will give it a try!! c:
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Posted 04 August 2017 - 05:35 PM
Living for your use of Animal Crossing Villager pictures on your posts.
Stay happy <3
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Posted 04 August 2017 - 06:48 PM
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Posted 05 August 2017 - 03:42 AM
reading your update from yesterday made me so happy! it's so incredible to see you rationalising n even overcoming the ed thoughts, you should be rly proud of yourself ♡♡♡
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Posted 05 August 2017 - 03:43 AM
killir, on 04 Aug 2017 - 5:31 PM, said:
you deserve all the happy fam ♡♡♡
thank u ♡ ily ♡♡
iv0ry, on 04 Aug 2017 - 5:35 PM, said:
Living for your use of Animal Crossing Villager pictures on your posts.
Stay happy <3
ah so glad somebody appreciates them! i'm legit obsessed with animal crossing
thank you ♡
coffee.cake, on 04 Aug 2017 - 6:48 PM, said:
ah i totally agree with you about ed being comfort related !! if you were really thin, it probably wouldn't be much of a life, but if you were at a somewhat thin but healthy weight (and technically, a bmi of 18 is underweight), think of all the things you could do c: your happiness means so much, and i hope you can stay kind to yourself and do the things that make you smile ♡
yeah it's definitely true, like it's ended up that it doesn't actually make me happy but is more of a comfort to stop me being sad or whatever? which is dumb bc in the long run think ED probs brings more sadness *shrugs*
yeah totally agree ♡ thank u ♡ i wish the same for u too
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Posted 05 August 2017 - 03:44 AM
astronaute, on 05 Aug 2017 - 03:42 AM, said:
reading your update from yesterday made me so happy! it's so incredible to see you rationalising n even overcoming the ed thoughts, you should be rly proud of yourself ♡♡♡
ahh we both just posted at the same time haha in sync !
thank you kels ♡♡
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Posted 05 August 2017 - 04:04 AM
ah emma i'm always amazed at how logically and sensibly you work through all the ED shite - all the way back from when you successfully upped to maintenance and now with your intuitive days and thoughts on recovery. continually challenging your fears to target recovery is such an awesome idea and would blow a therapist's mind if you told them bc the only way they know how to 'cure' an eating disorder is to blame it on a funny uncle and threaten you with hospital til you gain weight. your accountability has been so damn inspiring the last few months and seeing you challenge stuff and pick yourself up on bad days shows how strong and determined you really are.
on weight, you're tiny now, but you can still be objectively thin at a higher weight, i think this website's a toxic one to be on in the fact that the goal is always well, well underweight and the idea that any bmi that ISN'T underweight is not 'thin' sort of lingers in the air around here. at bmi 18, 19, even 20, the normal outside world will still see you as thin. iirc it's more about control than body image for you? so there's the possibility that as you challenge yourself and find fun outside of the trap that the ED keeps you in, as the 'control' goes the extreme focus on body image may ease off along with it. and i say 'control' as and the control in an ED isn't really control, more like having a false sense of it, since true control is just eating whatever whenever intuitively when you need it.
i'm so glad your intuitive day went amazingly though!! cocktails are THE BEST, you need to go to greece and try a banana daiquiri - probably the best drink i've ever had! think, alcoholic banana slushie. the sushi looked amazing though but what was most amazing is that you had a good time and left your ED thoughts at home for the day which allowed you to really enjoy it along with your friends. (although smfh @ the people going CONGRATS FOR NOT B/PING, the fuck? i hate how being here made you feel shitty afterwards but i'm glad you logged off to get away from it. i honestly think that people here can't read, you made it pretty clear what you were doing yesterday. and even then they're in no position to make comments such as that, fk how everybody here just expects you to be losing weight BC THAT'S WHAT EDS ARE ABOUT RIGHT???? yeah yeah get back 2 ur cocoon butterfly)
i hope things keep going smoothly from now on too! idk how you work so much, i haven't worked for three weeks n i'd rather disappear than go n work today :') once again you're awesome and do deserve a life outside of this ED and i'm glad you're still making steps to achieve that! <333
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Posted 05 August 2017 - 04:11 AM
Oh my gosh your last update legit brought tears to my eyes. It was really encouraging to read those words, especially today, so thank you, (even though I don't know you irl - f'real though, this was just so damn relatable.)
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Posted 05 August 2017 - 05:28 AM
YES - THIS! : '' i really was so much happier yesterday being carefree n social than ive ever been from engaging in ED behaviour n stuff, its like a false happiness n just a complete comfort thing with no real reward'' and this "damn, it's actually relieving to have this revelation bc i think i can hopefully work to being kinder to myself now''
and especially this: ''i hope you guys can work towards being kinder to yourselves too, EDs are so shite honestly''
Sending you courage and self-love to keep remembering these statements, they are the truths from which you can build a better more confident and self-loving life full of adventure and growth. I wish this for you Emma. I really hope you don't throw away years of your life to this disease. I really hope you can find a way out. love love love.
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Posted 05 August 2017 - 12:06 PM
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dx: an-r, mdd, social phobia, ocd, and generalized anxiety disorder
~she/her~ ~filthy vegan liberal~ ~infj~
my accountability thread // \\ my food & recipe dump // \\ feel like shit?
stats
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highest weight: 110.4 lbs (bmi 19.6) - forced weight restoration - February 2017
lowest weight at this height: 84lbs (bmi: 14.9) - September 2016
#4698
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Posted 05 August 2017 - 04:30 PM
breakfast was coffee cacao porridge with half a chopped up white choc mocha carb killa (341)
lunch was a breaded turkey steak with homemade chips, broccoli n light mayo for dipping (505)
work pitta (265)
work snackzzzz (142) + (242)
i also nabbed a couple chips at work, was probs like 8-10 chips but i haven't counted them bc i've been really rushed off my feet so i figure i cancelled them out? i get p tired/hungry n always wanna nick a chip or two but dont let myself but in the spirit of being kinder to myself i was just like yolo n it helped keep me going til my break (ate my pitta n bueno at like 9:45pm cries)
total: 1495
was another 8 hour shift n busy bc saturday
didn't do much except work today, i actually stayed in my onesie all day until i had to get ready lol
i can't really think of much else to say!! gonna go bed soon bc im on the daytime shift tomorrow
goodnight ♡
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Posted 05 August 2017 - 04:40 PM
umbreon, on 05 Aug 2017 - 04:04 AM, said:
Spoilerah emma i'm always amazed at how logically and sensibly you work through all the ED shite - all the way back from when you successfully upped to maintenance and now with your intuitive days and thoughts on recovery. continually challenging your fears to target recovery is such an awesome idea and would blow a therapist's mind if you told them bc the only way they know how to 'cure' an eating disorder is to blame it on a funny uncle and threaten you with hospital til you gain weight. your accountability has been so damn inspiring the last few months and seeing you challenge stuff and pick yourself up on bad days shows how strong and determined you really are.
on weight, you're tiny now, but you can still be objectively thin at a higher weight, i think this website's a toxic one to be on in the fact that the goal is always well, well underweight and the idea that any bmi that ISN'T underweight is not 'thin' sort of lingers in the air around here. at bmi 18, 19, even 20, the normal outside world will still see you as thin. iirc it's more about control than body image for you? so there's the possibility that as you challenge yourself and find fun outside of the trap that the ED keeps you in, as the 'control' goes the extreme focus on body image may ease off along with it. and i say 'control' as and the control in an ED isn't really control, more like having a false sense of it, since true control is just eating whatever whenever intuitively when you need it.
i'm so glad your intuitive day went amazingly though!! cocktails are THE BEST, you need to go to greece and try a banana daiquiri - probably the best drink i've ever had! think, alcoholic banana slushie. the sushi looked amazing though but what was most amazing is that you had a good time and left your ED thoughts at home for the day which allowed you to really enjoy it along with your friends. (although smfh @ the people going CONGRATS FOR NOT B/PING, the fuck? i hate how being here made you feel shitty afterwards but i'm glad you logged off to get away from it. i honestly think that people here can't read, you made it pretty clear what you were doing yesterday. and even then they're in no position to make comments such as that, fk how everybody here just expects you to be losing weight BC THAT'S WHAT EDS ARE ABOUT RIGHT???? yeah yeah get back 2 ur cocoon butterfly)
i hope things keep going smoothly from now on too! idk how you work so much, i haven't worked for three weeks n i'd rather disappear than go n work today :') once again you're awesome and do deserve a life outside of this ED and i'm glad you're still making steps to achieve that! <333
tysm sarah c: ily <3
yeah i totally agree with that, i often think other ppl of healthy bmis look thin but i think my own self-image is slightly warped n you're totally right that this site doesn't help bc comparing yourself to others on this site is so unhealthy n you're right like everyone has such unhealthy goals on here u_u yeah u remember correctly i think its always been a control thing for me, so yeah i do have hope i can hopefully get over the thinness thing it just seems to be my brain has linked thinness to being in control lol *rolls eyes @ self* but it is definitely false control n i'm definitely starting to grasp that bc fab on my intuitive eating day despite knowing my intake was most likely weight gain territory, bc i knew it was my choice so no reason to feel out of control yay
thank u!! omg that banana daquiri sounds like my dream drink tbh <3
n thank u c: yeah work sucks tbh, it helps for me i get paid weekly so when i start losing the will to live i get a big fat pay packet to rekindle my motivation hahaha, just think of the money man
u are awesome too n i totally wish the same for you
Cinderellinger, on 05 Aug 2017 - 04:11 AM, said:
SpoilerOh my gosh your last update legit brought tears to my eyes. It was really encouraging to read those words, especially today, so thank you, (even though I don't know you irl - f'real though, this was just so damn relatable.)
ahh thank u so much n im glad it was encouraging
dancingstardust35, on 05 Aug 2017 - 05:28 AM, said:
SpoilerYES - THIS! : '' i really was so much happier yesterday being carefree n social than ive ever been from engaging in ED behaviour n stuff, its like a false happiness n just a complete comfort thing with no real reward'' and this "damn, it's actually relieving to have this revelation bc i think i can hopefully work to being kinder to myself now''
and especially this: ''i hope you guys can work towards being kinder to yourselves too, EDs are so shite honestly''
Sending you courage and self-love to keep remembering these statements, they are the truths from which you can build a better more confident and self-loving life full of adventure and growth. I wish this for you Emma. I really hope you don't throw away years of your life to this disease. I really hope you can find a way out. love love love.
thank u so much stardust
i really wish the same for you <3
losing myself, on 05 Aug 2017 - 12:06 PM, said:
SpoilerYes em!! Yess! This inspires me sm bc although we r very different people. I feel like our EDs have similar voices and whatnot. I'm obsessively maintaining a 16.5 bmi and am scared of unknown cals. Use mfp. Etc etc. And it's such a horrible way to live. Also do u have a link to the cruise days bc i started reading this around February, but I read the first few pages then jumped into the present bc I'm lazy.
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ahhh thank u, im so glad it inspires you!! wow it does definitely sound like we're very similar with our EDs
n I actually didn't update much at all on the cruise bc the boat wifi was absolutely shocking, but this is when i went: http://www.myproana....ilk/?p=17298993
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Posted 06 August 2017 - 02:25 PM
really doesn't feel like a sunday when u work weekends haha
breakfast was peanut banana porridge (345) my mum gave me some peanut flour aw, so this was made with peanut flour n mashed banana although i had the thought that it looks like cat sick n now i cant unsee it as cat sick
lunch @ work was a teriyaki tuna n veggie wrap (281)
also at work had a mini bag of haribo (55) bc chef bought me it so we could open the till haha
post-work snack was soreen with pb n cherry jam (195)
dinner was tricolour mushroom tomato pasta with a lil chicken, spinach n topped with cheese ofc (408)
post-dinner (slightly squished) max cacao snickers <3333 (246) this was perf i really craved it
total: 1535
~ 6 hour day shift
i was gonna be <1500 but yolo, wasn't gonna turn down free haribo tbh
my mum has left for spain on hols today so she's gone for two weeks now, so it's just me n dad n sister will be back on tuesday, then next sunday my dad is going to spain so will just be me n my sis for a week n then my mum comes back the following week but dad stays so will be me, sis n mum c': we have an apartment in spain so they go without fail every summer n other times in the year too, i never go at this time of year though bc its too hot n i hate it (plus i earn money at home) so usually i have the house to myself a bit but this time my sister isnt bothered either so will be a week of just me n her which will be fun i think!!
i've dyed my hair back to my fav hair colour teal n it looks so much better, tried a new dye (manic panic enchanted forest) and its gone a rlly nice petrol blue <3 teal hair is my fav i love it sm but always fades back to my usual turquoise pretty fast haha bc im too lazy to stay on top of it
i wanna do another intuitive eating day next week but can't decide which day - i have a day off on tuesday n have planned to see my friend but with this friend food is never a big focus of the day like we often just go for coffees (last time i saw her we just grabbed bagels for lunch if u remember idk) but i might still do an uncounted day just bc why not? but i also kinda wanna try one on a work day n buy food at work?? n it also makes sense to do friday so i could have lunch with my dad n grandma?? so theres multiple options
tbh i might just do one on tuesday then could do another one another day like there's no reason i can't do it more than once in a week if i'm feeling up for it which i think i am gotta stay on top of it for going back to uni!!
ive had this recurring thought recently of trying to do completely uncounted freshers week but might be a bit too much too soon, but definitely might do something like not count spirits or something so i can drink, idk idk haha, its in the second half of september so who knows i might actually go for it if i keep doing well
either way still feeling positive n stuff, feels like im always working atm n dont have much time to overthink at work so it helps keep me in a good mindset i think, especially if i make plans for my days off too
i hope u guys are well c:
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