☠ Vile Vessel ☠ Accountability Thread
#1 
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Posted 06 March 2016 - 08:57 PM
I feel like it'll be a good idea to start an accountability thread for myself on this site - I see a lot of folks doing it and it seems to help them.
I should have technically been at work today, but I scored an extra day off since I have training two days this week and get to flex off those hours. Which means that I have an extended weekend of sorts, but that also means that my sister ends up wanting to eat at Whole Foods. Safer foods than if she or my other bestie-roomie J want to cook, but it means I have to eat regardless.
For breakfast, I had a cup of Kashi Warm cinnamon whole grain cereal, unsweetened vanilla almond milk, and a thinly slice banana. I avoided lunch per usual, and for dinner, I ended up having a vegetable egg roll, a date-walnut scone thing, and a cookie.
Basically, a lot of carbs. I've also taken more Metabolife pills than I probably should have, truth be told. I've mainly been eating a metric fuckton of fruit this week because I've been sick and my stomach can't handle much else. Between the excessive diet pills and the sudden influx of substantial food in my belly, I have that all-too-familiar nausea clinging to the back of my throat that water makes worse, not better.
I've been consistently losing this week, so I'm not too terribly worried about it. Still, definitely going to take this as a sign to avoid carbs for a bit longer and try to stick to fruit and liquids for a bit longer while this sickness lingers on, especially since drinking water is making me feel sicker, not better - and I really can't afford to avoid liquids if I can. Those baby food smoothie things were great, I need to get more of them. And hope my sister doesn't fucking drink them all again.
#2
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Posted 05 November 2016 - 01:42 PM
Well, shit, I've been awful at keeping up with this - time to change that. Nobody but me will read it, so why the hell not?
Today has been pretty good so far. For Breakfast, I had a cup of Dark Chocolate Cheerios (147 cal) in my favorite coffee cup with 1 cup of Silk Unsweetened Almond milk (30 cal). At work, we had 50+ folks downstairs, so I figured I'd need to stave off the hunger longer since I can't drift off as much downstairs as I do upstairs. I used one of those Starbucks instant iced coffee packets (100 cals) and added a shitload of ice, water, and a splash of Nestle Coffemate creamer to thicken it a bit (35 cals). It's not vegan, but it's a reminder to get myself more of the vegan creamer or even just some unsweetened almond milk to add for next time.
I got home, and talked with my sister for a bit. She had Quakers buttered popcorn rice cakes (35 cals), so I figured I'd try one. They're fucking delicious - and they're even lower in calories the brown rice ones I normally eat. I might have to change brands. I also made used some of the Teavana holiday tea sampler I got last Christmas - it was the gingerbread flavor this time. It's pretty yummy, but nothing beats the sublime chocolate chai one, which was like sinless dessert. I found fucking nirvana in a cup.
I have to do some schoolwork for the rest of day, so avoiding dinner should be easy since my sister is in the same boat. Is it sick to say that I missed the way my eating disorder just so neatly orders and consumes my thoughts. To eat normally feels like absolute chaos, it feels filthy and unclean and not planning ahead just.... urgh. Something about being on this site with "my own", having the old focus back.... I missed it dearly. The eating disorder never goes away, mind you.... just things that serve as horrific distractions from the ultimate goal. I've been at 109 back in 2015, when I had bronchitis - I was sick as a dog, mind you, but I loved seeing that number. I desperately want to hit that number by Christmas. I have two months, and I'm at 116 right now - surely seven pounds in that much time is doable.
#3
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Posted 07 November 2016 - 07:34 PM
For Breakfast, I had a cup of Dark Chocolate Cheerios (147 cal) in my favorite coffee cup with 1 cup of Silk Unsweetened Almond milk (30 cal). I also had three of those Energem caffeine tablets (50 cal); once at work, I had coffee with roughly 2 tbsp of coconut milk creamer (50 cal).
I didn't have any lunch - I walked around a lot and generally kept pretty busy. When I got home, I felt a bit nauseous from hunger, and I finished off the mini cake thing (roughly 100 cals) so it wouldn't be staring me in the face. I had another three of those caffeine tablets (50 cals) and called it a day intake-wise.
I have an exam due on Thursday, and I just.... have zero fucking motivation to work on it. At all. Obviously I'm going to, but I'm so fucking ready for the school semester to be done. Between school and stressing over the election, I feel like I need to take a nap for 1000 years. When I'm restricting, all I ever feel like doing is masturbating and going to sleep. I usually wanna stay awake forever, but when I restrict, napping and sleeping are suddenly far more interesting to me. I have no clue why, but my hunger translates into lust and laziness - it's fucking bizarre. Isn't restricting supposed to kill your sex drive? It makes me more reluctant to show myself in front of people, sure, but I still read porn and fap like any other time - that doesn't go away. Then again, reading demon-centric smut prooooooobably doesn't help.
I love how my accountability has been basically more about "I NEED TO FUCK SOMEONE OR SOMETHING ASAP" than about my intake. I guess if I don't have much to report on intake, that means I'm doing well.
#4
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Posted 14 November 2016 - 08:35 AM
UPDATE THIS MORE YOU FUCKING HOE.
Anyway. I'm still a bit higher than I like, but nothing that can't be fixed. So far I've just had a cup of Dark Chocolate Cheerios, which is ~140 cals. I don't have any almond milk atm, so it was kinda dry to say the least. Saved me a few calories, I guess. I'll probably try to just fast the rest of the day. Been playing FFXIV a lot lately so it's been pretty easy to nibble on dinner rather than have grandiose meals like before. My weight hasn't dropped because I've had to eat in front of people, but the pills at least keep me from GAINING too much.
I didn't realize how easy it is to access this thread on the Tapatalk app, so that should make the accountability easier.
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#5
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Posted 31 December 2016 - 01:17 PM
New year. I'm going to be a lot more strict about his thread and l will hit my goal weight. No *maybe*. I'll make it happen if it kills me. If I'm lucky, it will.
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#6
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Posted 07 January 2017 - 12:41 PM
So I'm a weird little fucker and playing FFXV has done odd and FANTASTIC things for my ED. For one, Noctis and Prompto have that lanky, this-side-of-sick build I crave. Prompto's massive weight loss in Brotherhood is so damn relatable, his fears and frustrations. And from small things he says and does, I'm 100% convinced he has some kind of eating disorder. It makes me love him even more because he continues his life with it. Just... #goals
So meals thus far have been corn Chex with unsweetened almond milk, and a cup of coffee with coconut milk creamer. Had another cup with coconut creamer at work. Had two whole wheat saltine things.
Brotherhood!Prompto and Noctis for daily inspiration. Why on earth my thinspo is always young men, I'll never know. I can comment on here whenever, so fuck it, I can post thinspo if I want.
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#7
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Posted 11 January 2017 - 08:44 AM
Alright, starting to get more regular. A few days rather than a few months/weeks. That's a start.
So far, I've had that Girl Scout cookie cereal stuff (it's supposed to taste like samoas, I thnk?) with light Silk Almond. Also used that glorious Keurig thing and made some coffee with creamer. The cereal is surprisingly low-calorie for what it is - so far, I'm at 212 calories according to MFP and FitBit. I have class at 14:00 until 16:45. Which means if I park on the top floor that I'll go down four flights of stairs each time (eight total) and get a decent amount of steps in. That's all before 17:00 hours. At that point, I can probably sneak in some more steps on the mini-elliptical if the bestie-roomies aren't hogging the TV already. I went from 282 to over 8000 steps in maybe two hours by using that thing while playing FFXV, so it's definitely a great way to "cheat" some exercise in. And I finally broke past the 119 plateau I've been on for a few days.
I was pretty tired and headache-y yesterday, so I ended up napping. Which led to bestie-roomies leaving for the store without me, and they ended up cooking dinner. For just themselves. Which mean I didn't have to eat anything at all. I'm not sure what to make of that, since she's usually so adamant that I eat with them, but I'll take it. She seems to think I'm past the restriction thing, and I only have a month and a half with them before I move in with my girlfriend. My girlfriend is aware of my eating habits, but isn't nearly as pushy about me eating as they are. If I don't want dinner, she's just like "are you sure" and drops it. If I just eat a slice of bread, she doesn't bitch at me. So I feel like I could very easily get away with eating next to nothing while I live with her, which is fucking FANTASTIC.
So I found some fic on AO3 where Prompto has an ED, and it's extremely triggering. Like.... I obviously don't want to detail too much because I have a feeling the author would feel awful knowing that I'm using her story to fuel my ED even more, but it's just.... I guess my inner masochist comes out, because it's like a feast for my disordered brain. He's just like me - the awkward fat kid that lost weight and still feels awkward and insecure and never good enough for anyone. And some weird gender-confused part of me finds Noctis to have an ideal build. I'd much rather be on the edge of scrawy like him than.... whatever it is I am as a woman. Can I just take my tits, ass, and hips and just all my girly bits and burn them? I don't want them. I don't want anything that could make me look sexy and feminine. The fact that Prompto in this fic is constantly aware and envious of that (especially in later parts of this story) just struck a nerve, a very deep and shameful nerve.
[sigh] Back on topic. I really feel like I want to get some Monster today. Hopefully stave off my hunger a bit, since I'm a bit nervous that my first day of this class will involve me having a rumbling stomach and being That Kid.
#8
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Posted 13 January 2017 - 11:33 AM
So far, my same breakfast of cereal, almond milk, and 2 servings of coffee.
So far, down to 116. Not great, but the best I've been at since before the holidays. I've been at 109 lbs before, I KNOW I can hit it. Bestie-roomies have been lax "enforcing" dinner so it's been very easy to skip it this week. I'll probably write something longer when I'm not in mobile.
My ribs feel better and more... there. It's comforting. 
Most importantly, my trusty rings are noticeably looser. 
I like to use them as weight markers, and it's good if they're loose because it means I'm not bloated and losing weight.
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#9
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 08:36 PM
LMAO so I forgot about this thread for…. what? Five fucking years????? I got married almost two years after the last post (to the same “girlfriend” mentioned before, though they’re non-binary), and just…. yeah. what a fucking ride. I should probably consider following my own damn thread so I don't lose it in the bowels of MPA.
Attempted therapy and kiiiiinda started recovering, changed my career and moved what I do, the pandemic happened, wife’s health went to hell, and…. well.
The ED is always there for me. Always. It’s the one thing that will always be mine.
I obviously can’t restrict like I did living with my sister and BIL (bestie-roomie; he and sis got married too, lol). But I sure as shit can try. I need to get thinner and have SOMETHING to control, something to numb me, SOMETHING of my own again.
858 cals in - 482 cals out = 824 cals remaining. (MFP and FitBit make you go to 1200.)
#10
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Posted 03 May 2022 - 07:32 PM
I set myself a damn reminder on my phone so I remember to actually do the thread. It'll probably be tricky to do it on mobile but we'll see. I'm sure someone would find the humor in it since LOL @ the bitch w/ (undiagnosed) ADHD having trouble forming a habit but....
I have no idea how many calories are in the Publix vegan cookies, so I'm guessing they gotta be closed to TJ ones. They're pretty good, but definitely glad they don't have a lot in the container or else I would absolutely binge on them if left alone. For once, I'm glad for hoity-toity vegan foods having smaller quantities per container.
591 cals in - 472 cals out = 1081 cals remaining.
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#11
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Posted 10 May 2022 - 06:24 PM
I’m trying to start running and holy shit, you burn a lot in relatively little time.
#12
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Posted 12 May 2022 - 06:08 PM
like I said…. Running is amazing. I’m still doing ZT5K so it ain’t much. But it’s a good start
#13
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Posted 18 May 2022 - 05:38 PM
running, bitches. I weighed myself right after and was 135.7, which is the lowest I’ve seen in MONTHS.
#14
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Posted 19 May 2022 - 04:55 PM
Left my sunglasses at work so I couldn’t run today. Felt like having a salad and it was B O M B.
#15
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Posted 19 May 2022 - 04:56 PM
Left my sunglasses at work so I couldn’t run today. Felt like having a salad and it was B O M B.
#16
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Posted 20 May 2022 - 04:59 PM
Patience yields focus.
#17
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Posted 24 May 2022 - 06:23 PM
I admittedly ate not great this weekend yet only gained like 0.3 lbs. I’ll take it.
I wonder if it’s possible to hit 133 by Friday because that’d be 7 lbs in less than a month. A sick part of me wants to see if the doctor notices.
#18
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Posted 14 June 2022 - 06:52 PM
626 cals in - 806 cals out = 1,380 remaining.
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