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#2 Guest_⛧Harlot⛧_*

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Posted 19 February 2018 - 03:30 AM

Good luck!

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#3 tinycoww

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Posted 19 February 2018 - 08:12 AM

Chigusa, on 19 Feb 2018 - 03:30 AM, said:

Good luck!

Thankyou so much!

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18 ~ UK

Veggie

5'6.5 / 169cm

Hw- 154lb/70kg (bmi- 24.5)

Sw- 140lb/63.5kg (bmi- 22.2)

Cw- 132.2lb/60kg (bmi- 21.0)

1st Gw- 125.6lb/57kg (bmi-20.0)

#4 tinycoww

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Posted 19 February 2018 - 05:07 PM

Monday 19th February 2018

63.5kg / Bmi- 22.2

Coffee- 22

Apple- 52

2 belvita biscuits- 98

Coffee- 22

Porridge- 197

Banana- 89

Green tea- 2

Vegetable soup- 188

Quorn chicken fillet- 44

2 bread- 186

Tea- 22

Hot chocolate- 38

Tea- 22

Calories- 982

Today was a success! I'm really happy with what I have ate and burned. Body image wise I feel disgusting I'm still feeling bad about my huge binge Sunday night and I feel bloated still. I hope that goes away soon. I just really want to get to my 1st goal weight soon and get my Bmi to 20 and under just so I can feel a bit more comfortable in my body. So the plan for now is to eat under 1000 and burn over 2000 until I get there. Also I'm trying to figure out how to upload pictures but failing. Oh well.

Days binge free: 1

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18 ~ UK

Veggie

5'6.5 / 169cm

Hw- 154lb/70kg (bmi- 24.5)

Sw- 140lb/63.5kg (bmi- 22.2)

Cw- 132.2lb/60kg (bmi- 21.0)

1st Gw- 125.6lb/57kg (bmi-20.0)

#5 Guest_⛧Harlot⛧_*

Guests

Posted 20 February 2018 - 04:52 AM

When you have a picture you want to post on your computer, you go to Imgur:

https://imgur.com/

then click the green button "new post".

Browse your computer, find the image and select it, then the image will upload on it's own.

In the top right corner of the picture you will have a button with a sign similar to the letter "V",

select it, then select "get share links".

In the bottom left corner you have "BBCode (Forums)",

copy the link then paste it in your post here on MPA.

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#6 tinycoww

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Posted 20 February 2018 - 08:06 AM

Chigusa, on 20 Feb 2018 - 04:52 AM, said:

When you have a picture you want to post on your computer, you go to Imgur:
https://imgur.com/
then click the green button "new post".
Browse your computer, find the image and select it, then the image will upload on it's own.
In the top right corner of the picture you will have a button with a sign similar to the letter "V",
select it, then select "get share links".
In the bottom left corner you have "BBCode (Forums)",
copy the link then paste it in your post here on MPA.

I've done it! Thank you so much!

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18 ~ UK

Veggie

5'6.5 / 169cm

Hw- 154lb/70kg (bmi- 24.5)

Sw- 140lb/63.5kg (bmi- 22.2)

Cw- 132.2lb/60kg (bmi- 21.0)

1st Gw- 125.6lb/57kg (bmi-20.0)

#7 tinycoww

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Posted 21 February 2018 - 03:37 AM

Tuesday 20th February 2018

Coffee- 22

Apple- 52

Orange- 47

2 Belvita biscuits- 98

Coffee- 22

Porridge- 197

Banana- 89

Green tea- 2

Tomato soup- 204

2 Bread- 186

Tea- 22

Hot Chocolate- 38

Calories- 979

Another good day. Last night felt really hungry that I couldn't sleep. Woke up feeling okay, though. My energy levels have been good but I think that's just from all the caffeine I've been drinking, as you can probably tell, I'm a bit of a tea and coffee addict.

I'm struggling with not weighing myself every day. It's going to be so hard to last the whole week but I know it's better for me.

Days binge free: 2

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18 ~ UK

Veggie

5'6.5 / 169cm

Hw- 154lb/70kg (bmi- 24.5)

Sw- 140lb/63.5kg (bmi- 22.2)

Cw- 132.2lb/60kg (bmi- 21.0)

1st Gw- 125.6lb/57kg (bmi-20.0)

#8 nyckelben

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LocationMainland Europe

Posted 21 February 2018 - 04:06 AM

Ohh we're the same hight too!! You got this, keep up the good work and stay safe <3 xx

Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk

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EDNOS/OSFED

Last major fuck-up:

2018-06-18

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VEGAN & LGBTQIA+

#9 tinycoww

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Posted 22 February 2018 - 04:12 AM

nyckelben, on 21 Feb 2018 - 04:06 AM, said:

Ohh we're the same hight too!! You got this, keep up the good work and stay safe <3 xx

Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk

Aw thankyou so much! You too xxx

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18 ~ UK

Veggie

5'6.5 / 169cm

Hw- 154lb/70kg (bmi- 24.5)

Sw- 140lb/63.5kg (bmi- 22.2)

Cw- 132.2lb/60kg (bmi- 21.0)

1st Gw- 125.6lb/57kg (bmi-20.0)

#10 tinycoww

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Posted 22 February 2018 - 04:48 AM

Wednesday 21st February 2018

Coffee- 22

2 belvita biscuits- 98

Coffee- 22

Porridge- 197

Banana- 89

Green tea- 2

Quorn beef-145

Yorkshire pudding- 78

2 roast potatoes- 55

Mash- 153

Vegetables- 37

Gravy- 26

Hot chocolate- 38

Tea- 22

Calories- 984

Felt stressed today. So a good thing about me being veggie is that I can make my own food and know exactly the calories, but guess what, my step-dad has turned vegetarian now. This means he's like coming up with recipes for me and him to try which is sweet but I have no idea what to do. My mom even made him a dinner and because there was vegetarian meat left, I had to have it on mine. And I can estimate the calories but being the perfectionist that I am, I just panic when I'm not completely sure. Also, just feeling really, really crap about myself. Like more than usual

Just feel so fat on my stomach like It's never going to go. Done extra steps and burned extra calories today because I'm not sure if my calories were completely accurate and I feel guilty.

Days binge free: 3

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18 ~ UK

Veggie

5'6.5 / 169cm

Hw- 154lb/70kg (bmi- 24.5)

Sw- 140lb/63.5kg (bmi- 22.2)

Cw- 132.2lb/60kg (bmi- 21.0)

1st Gw- 125.6lb/57kg (bmi-20.0)

#11 toxicturnip

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Posted 22 February 2018 - 05:09 AM

OMG I'm another height twin!!!! I kinda did something similar to this but I couldn't stick to it... good luck <3

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#12 tinycoww

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Posted 22 February 2018 - 05:11 AM

toxicturnip, on 22 Feb 2018 - 05:09 AM, said:

OMG I'm another height twin!!!! I kinda did something similar to this but I couldn't stick to it... good luck <3

Omg I love it height twins!!! :lol: aw thanks so much <3

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18 ~ UK

Veggie

5'6.5 / 169cm

Hw- 154lb/70kg (bmi- 24.5)

Sw- 140lb/63.5kg (bmi- 22.2)

Cw- 132.2lb/60kg (bmi- 21.0)

1st Gw- 125.6lb/57kg (bmi-20.0)

#13 Guest_⛧Harlot⛧_*

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Posted 22 February 2018 - 05:14 AM

Maybe just be honest with your family and tell them you want to cook your own meals because you're trying to lose weight? You're 18, they can't stop you.

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#14 tinycoww

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Posted 22 February 2018 - 05:28 AM

Chigusa, on 22 Feb 2018 - 05:14 AM, said:

Maybe just be honest with your family and tell them you want to cook your own meals because you're trying to lose weight? You're 18, they can't stop you.

Yeah I would do that but I don't want my mom to worry. Tbh I have said that to them before and they just say 'It's going to be healthy blah blah blah but I don't know what's going in there like oils butters etc. It's stressing me out and I'm scared I'm going to binge because I think I've 'ruined it'

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18 ~ UK

Veggie

5'6.5 / 169cm

Hw- 154lb/70kg (bmi- 24.5)

Sw- 140lb/63.5kg (bmi- 22.2)

Cw- 132.2lb/60kg (bmi- 21.0)

1st Gw- 125.6lb/57kg (bmi-20.0)

#15 tinycoww

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Posted 22 February 2018 - 05:29 AM

Chigusa, on 22 Feb 2018 - 05:14 AM, said:

Maybe just be honest with your family and tell them you want to cook your own meals because you're trying to lose weight? You're 18, they can't stop you.

also, sorry to be annoying but how do you get your accountability thing in your signature? sorry I'm so dumb haha

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18 ~ UK

Veggie

5'6.5 / 169cm

Hw- 154lb/70kg (bmi- 24.5)

Sw- 140lb/63.5kg (bmi- 22.2)

Cw- 132.2lb/60kg (bmi- 21.0)

1st Gw- 125.6lb/57kg (bmi-20.0)

#16 Guest_⛧Harlot⛧_*

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Posted 22 February 2018 - 06:43 AM

tinycoww, on 22 Feb 2018 - 05:28 AM, said:

Yeah I would do that but I don't want my mom to worry. Tbh I have said that to them before and they just say 'It's going to be healthy blah blah blah but I don't know what's going in there like oils butters etc. It's stressing me out and I'm scared I'm going to binge because I think I've 'ruined it'

Ah I understand, I hate to see my mom worried as well. Maybe offer to cook dinners yourself then? Or lie that you don't like what they cook?

tinycoww, on 22 Feb 2018 - 05:29 AM, said:

also, sorry to be annoying but how do you get your accountability thing in your signature? sorry I'm so dumb haha

Copy the code from the box below and paste it into your signature edition box.

[url=http://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/3018810-ems-accountability-1000-cals-a-day/]Accountability[/url]

This is what will show in your siggy:

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#17 Guest_isabeIIa_*

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Posted 22 February 2018 - 06:59 AM

heya hun !

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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#18 tinycoww

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Posted 23 February 2018 - 04:49 AM

Chigusa, on 22 Feb 2018 - 06:43 AM, said:

Ah I understand, I hate to see my mom worried as well. Maybe offer to cook dinners yourself then? Or lie that you don't like what they cook?

Copy the code from the box below and paste it into your signature edition box.
[url=http://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/3018810-ems-accountability-1000-cals-a-day/]Accountability[/url]
This is what will show in your siggy:

Accountability

Yeah that's a good idea or I could just 'help out' in the kitchen at least then I'll see what's going in my food omg, thank you so much! You're a star!

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18 ~ UK

Veggie

5'6.5 / 169cm

Hw- 154lb/70kg (bmi- 24.5)

Sw- 140lb/63.5kg (bmi- 22.2)

Cw- 132.2lb/60kg (bmi- 21.0)

1st Gw- 125.6lb/57kg (bmi-20.0)

#19 tinycoww

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Posted 23 February 2018 - 04:50 AM

isabeIIa, on 22 Feb 2018 - 06:59 AM, said:

heya hun !

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hello! Thanks for following <3

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18 ~ UK

Veggie

5'6.5 / 169cm

Hw- 154lb/70kg (bmi- 24.5)

Sw- 140lb/63.5kg (bmi- 22.2)

Cw- 132.2lb/60kg (bmi- 21.0)

1st Gw- 125.6lb/57kg (bmi-20.0)

#20 tinycoww

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Posted 23 February 2018 - 05:17 AM

Thursday 22nd February 2018

Coffee- 22

2 Belvita biscuits- 98

Coffee- 22

Shreddies- 338

Green tea- 2

2 Bread- 186

Beans- 181

2 quorn sausages- 125

Tea- 22

Calories- 996

An okay day. Really struggling to not weigh myself everyday. I might change it to twice a week to be honest. Anyway I'm quite happy with how the under 1000 calories thing is going. I feel like I'm eating a good amount and I don't feel weak or anything. I don't feel any binge urges which is good but we'll see when the weekend comes around, because that's always the hardest time to not binge for me.

Days binge free: 4

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18 ~ UK

Veggie

5'6.5 / 169cm

Hw- 154lb/70kg (bmi- 24.5)

Sw- 140lb/63.5kg (bmi- 22.2)

Cw- 132.2lb/60kg (bmi- 21.0)

1st Gw- 125.6lb/57kg (bmi-20.0)

0Follow this topic

High Restriction / 5'7" / 140 -> 105 [+ photos]

Started by ana_phora, Oct 30 2016 11:28 AM

HSGD Accountability vegetarian vegan restriction ednos ufed failure massive

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1256 replies to this topic

#521 ana_phora

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Posted 26 September 2017 - 05:53 AM

~Evie~, on 25 Sept 2017 - 03:04 AM, said:

I hope you enjoy your holidays ♥️

vanillaskinny, on 25 Sept 2017 - 11:14 AM, said:

Loove! I hope you're enjoying your vacations. Just letting you know I'm back and here to motivate each other. You looked amazing in all of those outfits btw! The velvet dress and the grey top with the wholes on the shoulders were my favourite!!

Thanks guys! I'm back and I had a really good time! It's probably good to get away at some point

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"In rhetoric, an anaphora (Greek: ἀναφορά, "carrying back") is a rhetorical device that consists of repeating a sequence of words at the beginnings of neighboring clauses, thereby lending them emphasis. In contrast, an epistrophe (or epiphora) is repeating words at the clauses' ends. The combination of anaphora and epistrophe results in symploce." //

5'7" // SW: 65.9 kg - CW: no idea. too much. - UGW: 48 kg // accountability

#522 ana_phora

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Posted 26 September 2017 - 11:44 PM

This accountability is so depressing, haha. Oh well, but yet again, I'll go for another try. Last year around this time I lost a little weight. I just stopped for some reason. I'm gonna try again. My meal plan will be HSGD, because that's the only thing that I can do, apparently, but I might try out OMAD / Intermittent fasting as well. I'm bad at eating small portions, so I'll probably go for one big meal a day some days, too, especially when I know I have something coming up. I also want to start wearing my fitbit again, too, and try to get some workouts in, for the abs and everything.

Tbh, I have no idea what my stats are right now. I don't really want to know either. I'm heavier than ever, of this I am certain, because I was pretty heavy before vacation and I must've gained a ton! So I think I'll try and eat less for a month and then I want to start weighing myself.

So here's a couple of rules I'll try to follow:

1.) HSGD and/or OMAD as described above

2.) Workout three times a week, nothing too intense, but do it

3.) Milk and sugar in coffee don't count as a meal, but have to be counted by all means

4.) Smoothies have to be counted as well but in emergencies, don't count as a meal either

5.) be cautious of the alcohol you drink as it has so be counted as well (with this point, I'm unsure of whether or not I'll actually make it, since I get smashed pretty easily and probably won't be able to remember as well as exceed my caloric limit every time, but I'll still try)

6.) Plan your food and do not buy anything else

I'll write another post with some motivation & thinspo and stuff, but well. I hope I can do it this time. I just must believe in the fact that I can.

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5'7" // SW: 65.9 kg - CW: no idea. too much. - UGW: 48 kg // accountability

#523 Selwatscha

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Posted 27 September 2017 - 02:12 AM

Following. Good luck!

Ps: whats omad?

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#524 Guest_vanillaskinny_*

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Posted 27 September 2017 - 02:25 AM

Good to see you active in this accountability again!

OMAD is great, I love it, I'm sure you'll get great results from it. AndAbout the alcohol I am the same haha I'm trying to reduce it slowly and then I'll have to give it up completely for 6 months (for medical reasons I'll tell you later haha). Looking forward to reading your post with motivation and thinspo. You can do it this time, we're entering 2018 skinny.

#525 ana_phora

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Posted 27 September 2017 - 06:47 AM

Selwatscha, on 27 Sept 2017 - 02:12 AM, said:

Following. Good luck!

Ps: whats omad?

Thanks !!

It means "One Meal A Day"

vanillaskinny, on 27 Sept 2017 - 02:25 AM, said:

Good to see you active in this accountability again!

OMAD is great, I love it, I'm sure you'll get great results from it. AndAbout the alcohol I am the same haha I'm trying to reduce it slowly and then I'll have to give it up completely for 6 months (for medical reasons I'll tell you later haha). Looking forward to reading your post with motivation and thinspo. You can do it this time, we're entering 2018 skinny.

Thanks!! I hope we can do it, we just have to ! It feels pathetic, but let's just pull through Entering 2018 skinny is a great goal as well! Let's do this.

And oh, make sure you tell me!

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5'7" // SW: 65.9 kg - CW: no idea. too much. - UGW: 48 kg // accountability

#526 kthinning

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Posted 27 September 2017 - 06:51 AM

following. we have similar stats - I'm 5'7 and not sure about weight, no scale, but I know I"m a US size 6 and would like to be a US size 2 or 0. My accountability is in my sig.

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5'7
CW: 135 Size 6 US
LW: 86 lbs
HW: 145 lbs
GW: 115 lbs size 2 US

#527 Selwatscha

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Posted 27 September 2017 - 09:35 AM

Oooohhhh *feels silly* i also do omad 😂

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#528 ana_phora

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Posted 27 September 2017 - 11:37 AM

kthinning, on 27 Sept 2017 - 06:51 AM, said:

following. we have similar stats - I'm 5'7 and not sure about weight, no scale, but I know I"m a US size 6 and would like to be a US size 2 or 0. My accountability is in my sig.

Thanks! I'll definitely check yours out too! Size 2 or 0 would be such a dream for me as well I have no idea what US size I am, but I'm guessing similar, if what I know about sizing is right

Selwatscha, on 27 Sept 2017 - 09:35 AM, said:

Oooohhhh *feels silly* i also do omad

Haha, don't feel silly, it took me two minutes to figure it out as well! Especially without content it could mean anything!

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5'7" // SW: 65.9 kg - CW: no idea. too much. - UGW: 48 kg // accountability

#529 ana_phora

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Posted 27 September 2017 - 11:40 AM

My mindset is definitely not in the right place!! Usually I've always started the diet enthusiastic, but right now I haven't even started and I'm dreading it so much!! I think my main motivation, until I see results, must be saving money as well, because I feel like I'm kinda worn out by the times I've failed. Like, I don't even believe I can make it, being thin has been a huge dream ... for years? And I'm still fat. So what I think is "Why should it work this time?" I know it's kinda bad, but well ... I just need to do it. I just need to. Maybe I should start scheduling some things out, but uni is driving me crazy at the moment and I don't have time to think about much else really. This is why there's so much rambling on here right now and nothing with substance or a plan. I will definitely go food shopping tomorrow though, so that I can start properly.

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5'7" // SW: 65.9 kg - CW: no idea. too much. - UGW: 48 kg // accountability

#530 Guest_vanillaskinny_*

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Posted 27 September 2017 - 11:51 AM

I sometimes think we're the same person omg. I totally understand that feeling of frustration and that it's not going to work. You just have to believe it will happen. You know that quote that goes whether you think you can or you can't, you're probably right? We have to believe it is going to happen. I mean it is just a fact that if you workout and restrict/diet you lose weight. We have to stick to eat without messing up, long enough so we can see results on our body and then be convinced that we can do it. Losing weight is a good think and a lovely process and I hate that I've turned it into a nightmare, that's why I'm trying to be optimistic and just enjoy the process even if it is difficult sometimes. Hope it makes sense, ily♡

#531 ana_phora

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Posted 28 September 2017 - 03:39 AM

vanillaskinny, on 27 Sept 2017 - 11:51 AM, said:

I sometimes think we're the same person omg. I totally understand that feeling of frustration and that it's not going to work. You just have to believe it will happen. You know that quote that goes whether you think you can or you can't, you're probably right? We have to believe it is going to happen. I mean it is just a fact that if you workout and restrict/diet you lose weight. We have to stick to eat without messing up, long enough so we can see results on our body and then be convinced that we can do it. Losing weight is a good think and a lovely process and I hate that I've turned it into a nightmare, that's why I'm trying to be optimistic and just enjoy the process even if it is difficult sometimes. Hope it makes sense, ily♡

It makes a lot of sense!! We have to believe in it. There's people who lost the weight and we are able to do it too. And we need to enjoy it, because it's what we want, right? I just don't want to live like this in the long run. Let's do this.

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5'7" // SW: 65.9 kg - CW: no idea. too much. - UGW: 48 kg // accountability

#532 ana_phora

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Posted 28 September 2017 - 03:48 AM

My plan is fairly simple. What I' trying to do is the following: I will try to have a weekly calorie budget of 7,000 calories. And that's it. That's what I'll try to stick to, and I'll try this out for the next ten days. That means I have a budget of 10,000 for these ten days. I'll try to count everything as well as I can and I'll try to write it down here. The next ten days are kinda like a test for me, to see if I can stick to it.

So far, I have not a lot of plans for the next couple of weeks, except for that uni is starting again, but I think counting shouldn't be too much of a problem. I'll just try and see.

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5'7" // SW: 65.9 kg - CW: no idea. too much. - UGW: 48 kg // accountability

#533 Guest_vanillaskinny_*

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Posted 28 September 2017 - 05:35 AM

Good idea! Weekly budgets have worked for most people and it makes sense. My problem is that I soon get tired of counting and I don't stick to it. Good luck with your plan, I'm looking forward to see how it works for you! When are you starting?

#534 ana_phora

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Posted 28 September 2017 - 10:49 AM

vanillaskinny, on 28 Sept 2017 - 05:35 AM, said:

Good idea! Weekly budgets have worked for most people and it makes sense. My problem is that I soon get tired of counting and I don't stick to it. Good luck with your plan, I'm looking forward to see how it works for you! When are you starting?

Tomorrow is gonna be day 1 I get tired of it too, but it's the one thing that has ever worked for me when it comes to losing weight. Nothing else has ever really worked, not fasting, not Monos (even though they were so relaxed), nothing, except for calories in, calories out.

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5'7" // SW: 65.9 kg - CW: no idea. too much. - UGW: 48 kg // accountability

#535 ana_phora

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Posted 28 September 2017 - 10:57 AM

Day 0

I know I wrote down some rules before, but this is my day 0 post, so I'll write something down.

Goals for 09/29 to 10/08:

1.) Eat 10,000 calories or less

2.) Walk 10,000 steps every day

3.) Work out three times - Monday, Wednesday & Friday

Starting small on this one, I haven't worked out in forever and I don't know how it's gonna be since my body has been aching more than usual lately. But well, I really want to get back into working out.

Right now I don't know my stats and I don't want to weigh myself, it'll be way too frustrating. I estimate my weight to be between 66 and 65 kg. Maybe I will weigh myself tomorrow morning, though. I kinda want to start off properly.

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5'7" // SW: 65.9 kg - CW: no idea. too much. - UGW: 48 kg // accountability

#536 Selwatscha

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LocationHogwarts, middle earth, in a galaxy far far away

Posted 28 September 2017 - 11:07 AM

ana_phora, on 28 Sept 2017 - 10:57 AM, said:

Day 0

I know I wrote down some rules before, but this is my day 0 post, so I'll write something down.

Goals for 09/29 to 10/08:

1.) Eat 10,000 calories or less
2.) Walk 10,000 steps every day
3.) Work out three times - Monday, Wednesday & Friday

Starting small on this one, I haven't worked out in forever and I don't know how it's gonna be since my body has been aching more than usual lately. But well, I really want to get back into working out.

Right now I don't know my stats and I don't want to weigh myself, it'll be way too frustrating. I estimate my weight to be between 66 and 65 kg. Maybe I will weigh myself tomorrow morning, though. I kinda want to start off properly.

Good luck!! It seems like a really reasonable goal. What workouts will you be doing?

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

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#537 ana_phora

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Posted 28 September 2017 - 03:33 PM

Selwatscha, on 28 Sept 2017 - 11:07 AM, said:

Good luck!! It seems like a really reasonable goal. What workouts will you be doing?

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

I don't know yet ... I think I'll mostly do abs since my knee pain has been getting worse. But I do think of doing light glute exercises and some shoulder and chest won't hurt either. Mostly body weight for the beginning, too. I'm the weakest person in the world, my arms are like spaghetti.. I'll see. I am hoping to start doing something at least, I haven't worked out in forever. I used to follow Kayla Itsines' BBG for a while, but I think my knees wouldn't be able to take all the cardio and jumping .. So I guess it's gonna be mostly core.

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5'7" // SW: 65.9 kg - CW: no idea. too much. - UGW: 48 kg // accountability

#538 Kodos

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8060 posts

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Posted 28 September 2017 - 04:40 PM

Although I don't like to encourage disordered eating habits and what not, you're definitely right that anyone can lose weight and get down to a very low weight. I never in a million years thought I was ever going to finally get underweight because I spent years just losing and gaining the same kg's over and over and over. Doing that is frustrating as hell and it takes everything out of you. Then something happened and I was finally able to lose heaps of weight after all of those times I failed. Being thin is not as great as I imagined it would be but I think that is because I pushed things way too far. I think you can lose weight and be happy if you stop yourself at a certain point, going too low helps nothing.

I get that with ED's you'll never be satisfied until you reach your goals, so I hope your plan does work in that sense. But I also really wish you could love yourself for how you are right now because I think you're incredibly beautiful inside and out.

Good luck! Please try to stay as safe as you possibly can ❤

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HW: 74.0kg - BMI: 25.6 (2013)

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#539 ana_phora

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Posted 29 September 2017 - 12:47 AM

Kodos, on 28 Sept 2017 - 4:40 PM, said:

Although I don't like to encourage disordered eating habits and what not, you're definitely right that anyone can lose weight and get down to a very low weight. I never in a million years thought I was ever going to finally get underweight because I spent years just losing and gaining the same kg's over and over and over. Doing that is frustrating as hell and it takes everything out of you. Then something happened and I was finally able to lose heaps of weight after all of those times I failed. Being thin is not as great as I imagined it would be but I think that is because I pushed things way too far. I think you can lose weight and be happy if you stop yourself at a certain point, going too low helps nothing.

I get that with ED's you'll never be satisfied until you reach your goals, so I hope your plan does work in that sense. But I also really wish you could love yourself for how you are right now because I think you're incredibly beautiful inside and out.

Good luck! Please try to stay as safe as you possibly can ❤

Thanks! I get where you're coming from and I do appreciate your words. So far though, there's no need to be concerned about me, because I've never actually lost the weight, so we'll see how this goes first before there's any need to worry about me. Right now I'm just hoping to go back into a reasonable weight range as my weight has skyrocketed these last couple of months. Also I think an amount of about 1,000 per day is still quite healthy, it's what many women's magazines recommend as well (that doesn't mean it's healthy, but like .. not extreme either).

I'll just see how it goes. Please don't feel the need to follow me here if it makes you uncomfortable in any way. You don't have to encourage me to lose weight if you don't feel it's the right thing for me to do as well. I'd love to have you around, but don't feel like you need to always be in this weird in-between where you don't know what to say.

But as I said, so far, no reason to be worried or anything. It's not like I've ever really lost weight, so we'll just have to see how this turns out

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Posted 29 September 2017 - 12:51 AM

ana_phora, on 29 Sept 2017 - 12:47 AM, said:

Thanks! I get where you're coming from and I do appreciate your words. So far though, there's no need to be concerned about me, because I've never actually lost the weight, so we'll see how this goes first before there's any need to worry about me. Right now I'm just hoping to go back into a reasonable weight range as my weight has skyrocketed these last couple of months. Also I think an amount of about 1,000 per day is still quite healthy, it's what many women's magazines recommend as well (that doesn't mean it's healthy, but like .. not extreme either).

I'll just see how it goes. Please don't feel the need to follow me here if it makes you uncomfortable in any way. You don't have to encourage me to lose weight if you don't feel it's the right thing for me to do as well. I'd love to have you around, but don't feel like you need to always be in this weird in-between where you don't know what to say.

But as I said, so far, no reason to be worried or anything. It's not like I've ever really lost weight, so we'll just have to see how this turns out

Youve just pretty much described me too. Ive never actually lost all ghe weight as i always end up binging. Since july this year something has changed though and aside from 2 weeks of "normal eating" ive been losing steadily, enjoying fasting and restricting.
I started out with 1200... but it kept getting less and less though. Now i dont feel confortable with anything over 800. I guess its part of the ed
Im happiest when i can fast but thats not exactly sustainable.

Anyway, I will support you, if you want the support. I know its nice to have encouragement from others

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Posted 30 October 2016 - 11:28 AM

Read this if you're new here!

I am sure you all know the feeling of a fresh start after binging or gaining weight back. Well, this has happened to me multiple times, too and it's happened at times that I did abandon this thread. I didn't just want to open a new one every time, because then there'd be so many threads just from my constant failing, haha.

So depending on what you want to read, I listed some links here.

+ from the start - started in October of 2016: just keep scrolling

+ my second go - started around May of 2017: go h ere

+ third and most current try - started in September of 2017: go here

Another one!

I'm starting the HSGD after being fed up with overeating and looking and feeling as I do. I will share here what I eat and everything is going! If I manage to take food photos, I'll post them here too. My biggest goal is: not being caught this time.

I am a vegetarian and I will try to follow a mostly vegan diet, containing of lots and fruit and veggies.

I can't really weigh out my food if there are people around, but I will try my best to provide an exact calorie count.

Stats:

H: 173 cm / 5'7"

SW: 63.3 kg / 139 lbs

GW I: 60 kg / 132 lbs

GW II: 58 kg / 127 lbs

GW III: 54 kg / 119 lbs

GW IV: 50 kg / 110 lbs

UGW: 48 kg / 105 lbs

Measurements:

Chest (widest part): 85 cm

Waist: 72 cm

Hips (widest part of the bone): 86 cm

I will post everything I eat and always list yesterday's weight and my current weight (Weight in the morning, before the food obvs.)

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Posted 30 October 2016 - 12:53 PM

Following, of course! You've got this!

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Posted 31 October 2016 - 10:06 AM

I shared almost the same thing in the HSGD-Thread, but since this is my accountability-diary, here's what I ate (or am about to eat, well).

Breakfast: Two slices of toast (196)

Snack: Apple

Lunch: Store-bought Salad with Mozzarella & Dried Tomatoes and an oil & vinegar dressing (246)

Dinner: Instant Noodles (261)

Snack: Fruit Smoothie (192)

Not sure if I'll have that smoothie though... not feeling that hungry, weirdly. (Edit: I had the smoothie)

Today it was pretty easy for me to not eat much, really. I had a long day at uni. The only thing is that a friend of mine is in my morning and afternoon class, that means she notices if I don't eat lunch. That is why I bought that salad. On the other hand, salad would have been my dinner otherwise anyways. So salad will be my go-to-option if I have to eat with someone else.

Tomorrow I am visiting my parents and they plan to have coffee (& cake) with me. I am going to have one piece and then I'll try to stick to tea. I hope this won't go over 600 calories altogether... that means I can have my breakfast and then stick to fruit for the rest of the day.

I'll update tomorrow on how it went.

kissmyabs, on 30 Oct 2016 - 12:53 PM, said:

Following, of course! You've got this!

Thank you!!

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Posted 01 November 2016 - 02:03 PM

Day 2 of HSGD:

I failed!! Well, basically, I visited my mum and she bakes when I come for coffee. And as much as I like what she bakes, I wanted to limit myself to one piece, but of course, I couldn't... I ate most of what she offered me. What are good excuses to not eat when you are offered something that are not rude? Ugh, I always try to please everyone...Oh well, onto the stats.

SW: 63.3 - CW: 63.0

Breakfast: 2 Slices of toast (196) & a banana

Snack: Fruit Smoothie (172)

Coffee: 2 slices of cake (540) & a bun (300) & two pieces of chocolate puffed rice (144)

Total: 1306 / 800 (506 "in debt")

I will "pay those off" by eating less the three following days. My limit for tomorrow is 700 (instead of 900), my limit for Thursday is 800 (instead of 1000) and then on Friday it will be 844 (instead of 950). Numbers may vary, depending on how much I manage to save each day. Hoping that no social events involving food come up!

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Posted 02 November 2016 - 09:32 AM

Day 3 of HSGD:

SW: 63.3 - CW: 62.7

So I lost 0.3 kg even though I overate yesterday. Let's hope it's not just a stupid fluctuation that will be back on tomorrow.

Breakfast: Muesli (110), Coconut Milk (100) & a banana

Lunch: Salad (300)

Snack: 1 Apple

Dinner: 2 Slices of Toast (196)

Total: 706 / 900

That is just slightly over the limit I set for myself. Two days with slight deductions to go! Hope I can stick to this!

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Posted 02 November 2016 - 09:41 AM

Well done, today!!

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Posted 03 November 2016 - 11:02 AM

Day 4 of HSGD:

SW: 63.3 - CW: 62.3

So I lost 0.4 kg from yesterday. It is weird... I can't really believe it. Like, I never lose wight, and now it just comes off? I'm scared this is just an illusion... Ugh, I hope it won't be back on. This scares me so much. nd I haven't even lost that much, just 1 kg in total and I'm already freaking out.

Breakfast: 2 Slices of toast (196) & a banana

Lunch: Salad w/ Feta Cheese (145)

Snack: Smoothie (195) & 1 apple

Dinner: Instant Noodles (261)

Total: 797 / 1000

That means I'll only have to eat 109 less that it says in the diet and then I'll have made up for my binge. Let's hope I can stick with it tomorrow... I'll be with a friend tomorrow and I hope she won't come up with food.

Other than that, today went better than yesterday. But I am trying out dance class today, let's hope I can keep going through this with dignity

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Posted 03 November 2016 - 12:27 PM

Okay here's a plan: you start believing in your progress and I start believing in mine.. How does that sound?

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Posted 03 November 2016 - 02:31 PM

kissmyabs, on 03 Nov 2016 - 12:27 PM, said:

Okay here's a plan: you start believing in your progress and I start believing in mine.. How does that sound?

Yes, let's try that ! That sounds like a plan

It's just that I never accomplish anything, so why should this change? I know I should believe in myself, but it's hard if you don't like yourself... but well, you probably know this

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Posted 04 November 2016 - 12:22 AM

ana_phora, on 03 Nov 2016 - 2:31 PM, said:

Yes, let's try that ! That sounds like a plan

It's just that I never accomplish anything, so why should this change? I know I should believe in myself, but it's hard if you don't like yourself... but well, you probably know this

Yeah I'm the same, unfortunately. Wether it's work, dancing or diet. But I'll never give up trying and neither should you. I feel like people with less self esteem can fight that much harder bc we'll never stop trying to get better.

Well done on working in these calories btw. I'm impressed!

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Posted 04 November 2016 - 11:47 AM

Day 5 of HSGD:

YW: 62.3 - CW: 62.5

That means I gained 0.2 kg compared to the day before... That really annoys me.. But well. Let's hope it's just water and will be gone by tomorrow.

Breakfast: 2 Slices of toast (196) & a banana

Lunch: Salad with Light Feta Cheese (145) & dressing (100)

Snack: A large handful of grapes

Dinner: Fruit smoothie (172) & 1 Apple

Total: 613 / 950

Idk.. I am hungry and I have 337 calories left, but for some reason I don't feel like eating right now. I think I'll stick with tea. If I end up eating, I'll post it later.

Last night I tried out a dancing class in my area and they have these huge mirrors... I just felt like a whale. Ugh...

Plus 500 ml of Coke Zero & 500 ml of Coke Light... I really need to get off these, I just drink them all the time. I'll do a coke free weekend, I think.

kissmyabs, on 04 Nov 2016 - 12:22 AM, said:

Yeah I'm the same, unfortunately. Wether it's work, dancing or diet. But I'll never give up trying and neither should you. I feel like people with less self esteem can fight that much harder bc we'll never stop trying to get better.

Well done on working in these calories btw. I'm impressed!

Yes, let's try this! We will be good enough and accomplish things if we just don't give up!

Thanks! I wasn't too sure if it'd work out, but I am happy it did so far. I just hope that this restriction won't lead me into a binge ... But so far it's looking good.

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Posted 05 November 2016 - 12:42 AM

ana_phora, on 04 Nov 2016 - 11:47 AM, said:

Idk.. I am hungry and I have 337 calories left, but for some reason I don't feel like eating right now. I think I'll stick with tea. If I end up eating, I'll post it later.

Last night I tried out a dancing class in my area and they have these huge mirrors... I just felt like a whale. Ugh...

Plus 500 ml of Coke Zero & 500 ml of Coke Light... I really need to get off these, I just drink them all the time. I'll do a coke free weekend, I think.

see, you're adapting as well. That's so cool, another loss coming your way, I just know it.

If you find a way to deal with this dance class mirror, let me know. But yeah, definitely sign up, it's a really fun way to burn calories while also socializing a bit.

I also have this diet soda thing. But when I begin restricting is the only time I'll allow as much as I want bc I know it helps me get through it. It's kinda the only time I allow unhealthy foods anyways.

Have a great Saturday!

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Posted 05 November 2016 - 12:56 AM

kissmyabs, on 05 Nov 2016 - 12:42 AM, said:

see, you're adapting as well. That's so cool, another loss coming your way, I just know it.
If you find a way to deal with this dance class mirror, let me know. But yeah, definitely sign up, it's a really fun way to burn calories while also socializing a bit.
I also have this diet soda thing. But when I begin restricting is the only time I'll allow as much as I want bc I know it helps me get through it. It's kinda the only time I allow unhealthy foods anyways.
Have a great Saturday!

I guess the only way to beating that mirror is weightloss... I can't really think of anything else. And more elegance, but since I just signed up, I will give myself a month before I have to look really good in terms of how I dance and how flexible I am.

Diet soda is just the best when restricting!! But I feel kinda bad in terms of health since I keep eating Instant Noodles and drinking Diet Soda.. Like, I love it, but feel bad about at the same time ':)

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Posted 05 November 2016 - 11:49 AM

Day 6 of HSGD:

YW: 62.5 kg - CW: 62.4

Still not back at my lowest from this week, but at least I didn't gain. Let's hope I can keep it at that next week :/

Breakfast: Skipped

Early Lunch: Salad with Feta (145) and dressing (100)

Snack: 1 banana & 1 low-cal muesli bar (78)

Snack: Chai Latte (200)

Snack: Lion Chocolate Peanut Bar (310)

Dinner: Instant Noodles (261)

Total: 1094 / 1100

I know... I said I was not going to have diet soda this weekend, but I drank 0.5 l coke zero today. Oh well. At least no calories, right?

I felt really bad about myself today. I went shopping with a friend (hence the Chai Latte) and I looked so horrible in everything... I bought a large jacket to hide under and then I bought a cute pullover that I'll wear when I'm thin. It does fit right now, but it's quite tight around the arms, and it'll look so much better when I'm skinny. However, when I feel really fat and disgusting and worthless in general, I want to binge the most (ironic, I know). So I got this Lion Bar and the coke zero, hoping that'd be enough. It wasn't, of course. So I panicked, counted my calories together, went into the supermarket, checked calories and then went out without buying anything, because I told myself no, that won't make it better. Now I'm having Instant Noodles, something more filling, instead.

This is not a major win, I could've easily eaten less... but at least I fought against buying something less filling and unhealthy and that is a small step for me.

Thanks to my shopping trip today, I have a photo of my body that is disgusting, but I can use it as before picture, at least.

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Posted 06 November 2016 - 01:47 AM

Well done, yesterday. And don't worry about the coke, at least you didn't have two bottles. I'm really proud of you for not binging!!

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Posted 06 November 2016 - 09:45 AM

Day 7 of HSGD:

Since I will go on a trip tomorrow (more about that in a second), I won't be able to put up my weight tomorrow morning and the two days after. So I'll call this my first-week-weightloss:

SW: 63.3 - YW: 62.4 - CW: 62.2

Breakfast: 2 bananas & low cal muesli bar (78)

Lunch: Salad with Feta (145) & dressing (100)

Snack: Oreos (318)

Snack: 3 normal muesli bars (324)

Dinner: Tomato Salad of 2 tomatoes that would've gone bad

Total: 965 / 1100

I know I totally wasted calories on those oreos and muesli bars. But I really wanted to take a break from two of my staples (coke zero & instant noodles). And since I had nothing else, I just bought these at a corner store. At least I didn't go over. But it still feels like such a waste of calories.

So after one week of the HSGD it seems like I have lost 1.1 kg (about 2.4 lbs). I know this is not a large amount of weight and it is definitely not visible. But it's a start and if I can keep this up, I really think this diet could work for me.

- I haven't binged this week

- I am getting enough calories to function

- It's easier to make stories for my weightloss up if it's slower (Mine will be: I was too busy with uni to pay much attention to food, plus I'm trying to save money)

Maybe I'll restrict more when I get better at it, but for this month I want to stick to this.

So from Monday to Wednesday I'll be on a trip with my university. I won't be in charge of breakfast (Tuesday & Wednesday) and dinner (Monday & Tuesday). Since I absolutely don't know what they'll have there, I'll calculate 500 for dinners and 350 for breakfast. I'll note my food everyday and then calculate as exact as I can when I get back or have a minute there. For my lunches I packed a smoothie (142, 192 or 195), an apple, 0.5 l of coke zero and one muesli bar (114). There'll be a lot of drinking and I hope I can really drink very little. Thing is that I actually like being drunk, so that'll be a challenge. I calculate 600 for beer (3x0.5 l).

If I don't have internet or time until I'm back, my update and weigh in will be Wednesday night / Thursday morning.

Wish me luck!!!

kissmyabs, on 06 Nov 2016 - 01:47 AM, said:

Well done, yesterday. And don't worry about the coke, at least you didn't have two bottles. I'm really proud of you for not binging!!

Thanks ! I'll try to keep it up as long as I can.

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Posted 06 November 2016 - 10:32 AM

have fun on your trip. And congrats on losing over 1 kg in a week!!

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Posted 06 November 2016 - 11:23 AM

kissmyabs, on 06 Nov 2016 - 10:32 AM, said:

have fun on your trip. And congrats on losing over 1 kg in a week!!

Thank you ! I'll try to have some fun and not think about food all the time! But I am hoping to at least maintain, even though that'll be difficult. Oh well.

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Posted 06 November 2016 - 10:07 PM

Small Update: I did get to weigh in this morning and I am now at 61.9 kg / 136.4 lbs, which makes it loss of 1.4 kg / 3.1 lbs in my first week of HSGD.

I hope, I hope, I hope that I can manage to come back from this trip with a number that is a 61.X !!!

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Posted 07 November 2016 - 12:56 PM

Day 8 of HSGD:

Day 1 of the trip was bad and I fear that tomorrow will be even worse.

Breakfast: Apples w/ cinnamon
Snack: 1 Smoothie (192)
Snack: 1 Apple
Alcohol: 1 gulp of Hugo (15)
Alcohol: 1 sip of hot wine (5)
Snack: 7 dry winter cookies (350, will check exactly once I get back)
Lunch: 1 muesli bar(114)
Snack: 0.5 l Cola Zero
Alcohol: 3x0.33 l Bosch Pils (400, will measure exactly when I get back)
Alcohol: 2x weird drink (200)
Alcohol: Beer from someone (100)
Dinner: 2 burger (vegan) patties and one burger bun (600) + salad

Total: 1892 / 900

Edit: Lots of alcohol came after this and I didn't even bother counting it anymore.

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Posted 18 October 2017 - 02:12 PM

vanillaskinny, on 18 Oct 2017 - 12:06 PM, said:

Are you leaving tomorrow or on Friday? Well, it is the same case as me going on holidays last week; you can take advantage of it and indulge in foods you like (in moderation ofc) so you kill your cravings. In my opinion, you won't be able to go on full binge mode since you will be around people. I know it is annoying when this kind of things interfere with your weight loss/diet plans but it is part of life and I'm sure you will have so much fun around your cousins. Don't let this ruin your family time. Good luck!❤

I'm gonna leave on Friday morning, so I have all of tomorrow to do well. I'm not expecting a huge weight loss from this week anyways, so I'll try to stay around 1,000 as well tomorrow, even though the point of the weekly calorie plan is to save up which I never do, haha. However, I'll try to enjoy the time, really. I'm pretty sure that my mum or my mum's sister (that cousin's mother) will ask how it was and how it went being there, so I need to be happy so that no one will have second thoughts. Oh well. I'll just try to prepare as good as possible and then keep going after I return

Also I'll update you , definitely !

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Posted 19 October 2017 - 02:34 AM

Day 21

Hah, this is the earliest I've ever written an accountability post, but unfortunately I'm all done eating for today already. It's 11:30 AM and I've finished all my calories for today. I'm hoping that writing this post will keep me from eating.

Breakfast: 2 pieces of toast (124), cream cheese (25), two cups of coffee with milk (92)

Lunch (it's more snacks than lunch, but whatever): 4 cookies (420), glass of milk (200 ml, 92), chocolate mug cake (234)

EDIT: Toast (91), milk (52), oatmeal (75)

EDIT 2: Toast (91), Waffles (72x2), Instant Noodles (261)

EDIT 3: VitaMalz Drink (140)

Total: 1841 - Left: ? Idk, I'll figure it out some other time. I screwed up with maths here, haha

Tea, water, and - if I can afford it - diet coke for the rest of the day. Maybe I'll have a coffee later on, I have to get rid of the milk anyways. I'll edit the calories in here, if I do.

All I know that it's impossible to only eat 2561 calories in three days spent with family, for me at least. It's 853 calories per day, which would be doable if it weren't for visiting my family. I'll figure out a plan later, I have to do some uni stuff before that though. I hope I can concentrate on that, haha. Lately it's just been food on my mind. I'm pretty happy I don't have to do my assignments for tomorrow since I'm not going to uni tomorrow, because there's no way I can get everything done when all that's on my mind is ... food, really.

Because I haven't added pictures in a while, here's a pic of my mug cake. It looks disgusting, but it was pretty good. Especially for 200 calories it's a decent portion and it only takes a minute to make. So I can't complain.

Me today:

EDIT: Why do I do this to myself? I felt bad and bloated and I think if the friend I wanted to meet for a cup of tea doesn't get back to me I'll be walking for the two hours until I'll have to be at training. Ugh. I hate this some time. But I guess, lesson learned. Sweets trigger binges and filming movies that include a binge triggers binges, too. But on the positive side, 1,800 calories a day is not gonna make me gain (hopefully). It would have been nice to have a low calorie day before all those high cal ones coming, though.

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Posted 19 October 2017 - 04:00 AM

I'm jealous that this was your lunch hahah And the cookie meme is SO REAL. I can only eat 1 or 2 cookies and stop there if they're the last ones or if someone is giving them to me so I don't have the rest of the packet available. I hope you stay strong with fasting for the rest of the day. Drinking coffee will definitely help you. Good luck! And it's great you skip uni tomorrow. Will you still be posting while you're at your cousins'?

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Posted 19 October 2017 - 05:36 AM

vanillaskinny, on 19 Oct 2017 - 04:00 AM, said:

I'm jealous that this was your lunch hahah And the cookie meme is SO REAL. I can only eat 1 or 2 cookies and stop there if they're the last ones or if someone is giving them to me so I don't have the rest of the packet available. I hope you stay strong with fasting for the rest of the day. Drinking coffee will definitely help you. Good luck! And it's great you skip uni tomorrow. Will you still be posting while you're at your cousins'?

It was really good ! Like, I completely overate today, but it was still really good.

I hope to be able to post. I'm not sure whether I'll be taking my laptop, but I think I will, since I'll be in the train for eight hours twice and I think I might get some work done. Or not, haha. But I think I'll update.

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#665 DeliKate

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Posted 19 October 2017 - 10:50 AM

I’ve only ever heard of or seen the term ‘mug cake’ on here, and to me the sound of it is quite unappealing as it sounds like a cake that is hastily mixed from a package and then formed in a microwave 😂 but maybe it’s better that I don’t know it because it often seems to be linked with binges.

Good luck with your family 🤞 I’ll be visiting my parents at the end of the month and am also apprehensive about gaining :/ but oh well. Like you I’ll try to make up for it before and after the visit so I can relax about a higher intake while I’m there. It’s a good plan! Try not to beat yourself up if you indulge a bit, that can sometimes end in disaster. I find myself thinking ‘oh well I’ve already gone over, may as well keep going!’ All too often. That’s a terrible mindset, it’s better to accept you’re gonna go over and try to cut your losses (or rather, your gains)

Have a good time, hoping for the best!

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Posted 19 October 2017 - 01:58 PM

DeliKate, on 19 Oct 2017 - 10:50 AM, said:

I’ve only ever heard of or seen the term ‘mug cake’ on here, and to me the sound of it is quite unappealing as it sounds like a cake that is hastily mixed from a package and then formed in a microwave but maybe it’s better that I don’t know it because it often seems to be linked with binges.

Good luck with your family I’ll be visiting my parents at the end of the month and am also apprehensive about gaining :/ but oh well. Like you I’ll try to make up for it before and after the visit so I can relax about a higher intake while I’m there. It’s a good plan! Try not to beat yourself up if you indulge a bit, that can sometimes end in disaster. I find myself thinking ‘oh well I’ve already gone over, may as well keep going!’ All too often. That’s a terrible mindset, it’s better to accept you’re gonna go over and try to cut your losses (or rather, your gains)

Have a good time, hoping for the best!

Well, everything sweet leads to a binge for me. What's so nice about the mug cakes (you can also mix your own if packaged ones don't appeal to you!!) is that they come in single servings, as opposed to most sweets that can be bought in a store, and they're quite cheap. So I'd prefer that over eating an entire box of cake (well, not really, but you know ...). For instance, my overeating would've been a lot worse if I had a larger quantity of ready made cake. This way, I just made one and I was "fine". Not really, but still. Also I'm too lazy to prepare good food at times, too

Thanks a lot. I'm hoping to enjoy it and not binge I'll just try my best. I'm a lot calmer and positive right now than I was earlier, due to a little walk and talk with a friend. I'm looking forward to the weekend and if I keep going afterwards, I'll still lose weight in the long run, which is the goal, right?

Thanks for commenting, you're really sweet <3

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Posted 19 October 2017 - 02:08 PM

Sorry if I'm bothering people by posting a lot, I don't want to spam all of your notifications. But I just wanted to write something positive as well. I had a really bad day, I didn't feel good, neither physically nor mentally. I went to ballet class and since I usually make a lot of jokes and everything, everyone was like "what's wrong with you" because I was really silent and barely smiled. After class, I walked a girl from my class who is really nice, to the train station. She wanted to get a kebab and she did. She also got a drink and got me one as well. And I had it (around 140). And I enjoyed it. I feel a lot calmer now, and a lot better. Since I worked out, I don't feel so bad about overeating as well.

Some of the money stuff was also solved and it's a huge burden that was lifted off my shoulders. So I'm hoping to go into the weekend with a positive mood. Even though tomorrow will be hard, since I'll only get four hours of sleep tonight. But still.

I don't know if I'll be able to update. I'll try, but if I don't, I'm hopefully happy and enjoying my time. I just wanted to end this day on a positive note.

One more thing though, the therapist I saw on Monday has actually awoken some thoughts that I had been trying to push away for a long time. It's taking a toll on me, it seems like things that I've always known, but always pushed away, finally come up to the surface and it feels like I'm about to battle the largest fight so far, because what's coming up there is going to be connected to a lot of guilt and shame, but I feel like, after so long, I think I might have found the reason for my "eating disorder". So at the moment I'm a bit more negative and pensive than usual (and I am very negative and pensive in general already).

If anyone even reads this, I just wanted to say that I'm so grateful to have you all. Without the support on my accountability here, a lot of things would be a lot more difficult, let's just put it like that. So thank you. I wish I could do anything more to thank you except for saying it over and over. Sorry if I'm pathetic and sentimental, but I'm just glad to have you. <3

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Posted 19 October 2017 - 02:48 PM

First of all, you know you don't have to apologize. This is your space and I personally enjoy reading your posts and knowing what you're up to. With that being said, I'm happy that you're feeling better. Exercise is good on the body and the mind and it seems like it worked well for you. Sometimes just spending time with someone you find nice, talking and forgetting about our own problems is so good too! So I'm glad you had a good combination of those things that made you feel better.

Going to the therapist and being able to talk to her and feel comfortable while doing it was a huge step in your "ED path". Even if you have to struggle for a bit now, it will be worth it in the end.

Awwww the last part was so cute! You're not being pathetic at all, I'm very sentimental too. I'm glad to have you and to call you my friend, and there's no need for you to say thank you because what I do for you, you do it for me aswell, and I do it happily. You know I love reading your updates but it is totally understandable that you might not update during the weekend. Just do what's best for you and enjoy your family time❤

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Posted 19 October 2017 - 03:04 PM

vanillaskinny, on 19 Oct 2017 - 2:48 PM, said:

First of all, you know you don't have to apologize. This is your space and I personally enjoy reading your posts and knowing what you're up to. With that being said, I'm happy that you're feeling better. Exercise is good on the body and the mind and it seems like it worked well for you. Sometimes just spending time with someone you find nice, talking and forgetting about our own problems is so good too! So I'm glad you had a good combination of those things that made you feel better.

Going to the therapist and being able to talk to her and feel comfortable while doing it was a huge step in your "ED path". Even if you have to struggle for a bit now, it will be worth it in the end.

Awwww the last part was so cute! You're not being pathetic at all, I'm very sentimental too. I'm glad to have you and to call you my friend, and there's no need for you to say thank you because what I do for you, you do it for me aswell, and I do it happily. You know I love reading your updates but it is totally understandable that you might not update during the weekend. Just do what's best for you and enjoy your family time❤

You're the sweetest, thanks so much for your comment <3 I'm happy to call you my friend as well, and I really hope I don't bother anyone with all the notifications

I didn't expect exercise to do me good since I've been drained lately, but tonight it was the best thing to do. My knees and elbows will hurt a lot tomorrow, but the endorphins I feel right now make it okay. Haha, I'm so weird.

About the therapist: It'd just be ideal if I could see her again. I don't think I'm ready to face those thoughts on my own yet. Also, I have no idea what to do. It's my biggest fear coming true, because it's embarassing. Basically I have to now face what I've been scared of my whole life. I'll might explain it more when I get back. But as for now, I want to wipe it out off my thoughts, because I'm so embarrassed about it. But she definitely brought me a huge step closer to the truth, I think. I'm just reaaally lost with all that thoughts rushing in right now.

Again, thanks so much <3 I hope that I can go into the weekend with a positive vibe and not regret going all the time. I'm just nervous because I barely know anyone there and they're all a but older than me. But still. I'm just gonna fake positivity until I feel positive, haha

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Posted 21 October 2017 - 01:21 AM

Day 22

Mixed feelings. I can't really explain it. I'm writing this on the morning after day 22. I'll start with my intake and then I'll explain further.

Breakfast: Oatmeal (175), made with milk (92), with berries (61) & yoghurt (99) and coffee with milk (46)
Snack: Cookie thing at the trainstation (199)

Lunch: Oven baked veggies with pesto sauce and cream cheese (I'd estimate 400? No idea)

Snack: Lebkuchen (130), two cups of black tea with milk (92)

Dinner: HUGE plate of enchiladas with rice and a side salad (in an edible bowl, I think I must estimate 1,500 at least) and a Desperados beer (185)

Total: 2979

Oh boy.

I started the day at 3:20 AM with a breakfast that was a lot larger than the breakfast I usually have. Why? I don't know. It made no sense to allow myself to eat more. No sense at all. The breakfat was really good and really filling though and quite healthy. Nonetheless, despite obviously not being hungry, I ate more. I got a snack at the train station, two cookie things. Why? No idea. I didn't need them. At around 13:00 my other cousin and I arrived at my other cousin's place (the one who had invited me). So we made oven baked veggies and she made a bit of sauce and we had cream cheese as well. That was okay. Despite being over 1,000 calories there already. But I think it was quite a good lunch. Afterwards my cousin offered me a Lebkuchen, which I ate. I don't know. Yesterday I just decided it was okay. Then my cousin made black tea and I added milk to both cups.

And then dinner. That's what annoys me the most about everything. It was a huge plate. All plates were huge, barely anyone finished their meal. Except for me and a male cousin of mine. No one. Everyone packed half of their food. I just kept eating. Not in a bingey way. I just kept eating and finished my plate, because that's what I do. I was really full. I'm really annoyed about the fact that I might have stretched my stomach. :/ The next morning I'm still kinda full. The thought of having breakfast scares me. I don't want to. But I don't think I can get around it. About the alcohol: Everyone was drinking, but the restaurant was so expensive I could afford only one beer and no one was noticing. In the end my uncle ended up paying for me, but since I didn't know that, I had only one beer, even though anyone else was drinking.

However, I'm not too mad at myself. I enjoyed all the food I had yesterday. Even after being really full last night. I don't know. I feel really mixed. Scared of my weigh in on Monday. I have a feeling that today is not going to be as "good" as yesterday and overate by 2,000 calories yesterday, haha. So well. But right now I'm not in a binge mindset.

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Posted 21 October 2017 - 01:39 AM

Well, keep in mind that you're not binging and not in a bingey mindset, and that's already a win. You're just socially eating and this looks a lot to some of my holiday days last week. It is normal that you feel weird because you are torn between the dieting houghts and just enjoying your time with the family, I guess.

And to be honest, I almost always finish my plate when I go out to eat too. I guess it is related to our emotional eating and binging tendencies. I guess we can change this but right now it is what it is. Isn't 1500 cals quite high for a plate like that? Of course I don't know bc I didn't see it, but it seems very high cal. Maybe it was around 900? I don't know, I just don't want you to feel worse about the calories innecessarily.

Oven baked veggies with pesto sauce and cream cheese sounds like heaven, I might try it one day.

I really wish you can stay strong today and enjoy your weekend❤

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Posted 21 October 2017 - 03:30 AM

vanillaskinny, on 21 Oct 2017 - 01:39 AM, said:

Well, keep in mind that you're not binging and not in a bingey mindset, and that's already a win. You're just socially eating and this looks a lot to some of my holiday days last week. It is normal that you feel weird because you are torn between the dieting houghts and just enjoying your time with the family, I guess.

And to be honest, I almost always finish my plate when I go out to eat too. I guess it is related to our emotional eating and binging tendencies. I guess we can change this but right now it is what it is. Isn't 1500 cals quite high for a plate like that? Of course I don't know bc I didn't see it, but it seems very high cal. Maybe it was around 900? I don't know, I just don't want you to feel worse about the calories innecessarily.

Oven baked veggies with pesto sauce and cream cheese sounds like heaven, I might try it one day.

I really wish you can stay strong today and enjoy your weekend❤

Thanks so much ! I think I can honestly say that none of the food I had so far was a binge. I still feel really full though, it might be breakfast + leftovers from last night. And I'll be drinking so much alcohol, it's gonna be bad. I'll try to write everything down, but it's probably not gonna happen, haha. I'm still gonna try and enjoy the time.

I think it is. I can't just leave food and I can't just not eat it and I need to eat it now, I can't wait until I get to eat it again. I don't know. I'd love to say 900 calories, but ... it was three enchiladas with a lot of sauce with rice and a side salad which came in an edible bowl which was probably quite fatty as well. I am sure it contained oil and everything. In the end my estimation doesn't matter anyways, it doesn't change my weight. I don't know. I just don't want to underestimate stuff.

It was really good! We had pumpkin and bell pepper. You should totally try it ! I love oven baked veggies.

Let's see. I'll sure overeat. I'm actually right now more scared of making a huge fool of myself and being a third wheel and in the way of everyone than overeating. I think I've made my peace with the fact that I'll overeat anyways. So well ... I'll update, hopefully.

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#673 DeliKate

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Posted 21 October 2017 - 06:50 AM

I’m glad you’re not stressing too much babe, like vanillaskinny said it’s totally okay to eat socially like that every now and again! In fact if we never did we’d probably just waste those calories bingeing on crap at home by ourselves instead of enjoying a good meal with loved ones - which scenario do you prefer?

By the way I have that same problem with food

it nags at me if there’s still some leftover, it’s really bad. That’s why I try to mostly buy/prepare single portions or if I’m eating with my boyfriend I make less than enough for two people. I know leftovers/extra food makes me anxious.

Here’s to a new day babe and OMG I love roast pumpkin!! I’m making a roast pumpkin soup today in fact

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Posted 21 October 2017 - 07:36 AM

DeliKate, on 21 Oct 2017 - 06:50 AM, said:

I’m glad you’re not stressing too much babe, like vanillaskinny said it’s totally okay to eat socially like that every now and again! In fact if we never did we’d probably just waste those calories bingeing on crap at home by ourselves instead of enjoying a good meal with loved ones - which scenario do you prefer?

By the way I have that same problem with food it nags at me if there’s still some leftover, it’s really bad. That’s why I try to mostly buy/prepare single portions or if I’m eating with my boyfriend I make less than enough for two people. I know leftovers/extra food makes me anxious.

Here’s to a new day babe and OMG I love roast pumpkin!! I’m making a roast pumpkin soup today in fact

Leftovers are the worst ! I can't deal with them. If I have leftovers I won't stop thinking bout them until I finished eating them. So I just eat and eat until everything's gone.

It's true, and I really do want to enjoy the weekend. I don't feel to bad, but I have mixed feelings about eating. It's bad, but I kinda ... just can't stop thinking about everything.

Uh, that soup sounds amazing ! Howdo you make it?

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#675 DeliKate

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Posted 21 October 2017 - 08:16 AM

ana_phora, on 21 Oct 2017 - 07:36 AM, said:

Leftovers are the worst ! I can't deal with them. If I have leftovers I won't stop thinking bout them until I finished eating them. So I just eat and eat until everything's gone.

It's true, and I really do want to enjoy the weekend. I don't feel to bad, but I have mixed feelings about eating. It's bad, but I kinda ... just can't stop thinking about everything.

Uh, that soup sounds amazing ! Howdo you make it?

Oh yeah, I feel you on not being able to get the leftovers out of your head til they’re gone

As for the soup, I cut the pumpkin up into cubes, spread them on a pan and sprinkle generously with rosemary and roast them in the oven @ 400 for about 30 min (you can omit this step and put the cubed pumpkin & rosemary directly into the crockpot, but I enjoy the cooking process and that extra roasty flavour!) meanwhile I cut up a med onion and sauté it in a bit of water with a couple cloves of garlic, add salt and pepper, sauté until soft.

When the pumpkins and onions & garlic are done, add them to the crockpot and cover with water. You can add more water for a thinner soup but I like mine to be thick and stew-like. Add about a tbsp of low sodium soy sauce, a tbsp of poultry seasoning, 1-2 bay leaves (if you have) and salt & pepper to your liking and stir until mixed in. Then place your turkey breast (one with skin and bone is best for a kick ass broth but skinless boneless is great too!) on top and cook on high for four hours. After 4 hrs remove only the turkey breast and after it’s cooled enough, remove the skin and bone from the meat and discard. Shred the breast meat with two forks and return to the crockpot (mix it all in) for an additional 2 hrs on high or 4 hrs on low. Badda bing badda boom! Oh, don’t forget to remove bay leaves!

Haha, word to the wise - don’t express interest in a recipe to me and expect not to get a very detailed and thorough response 😂 I am very passionate about cooking!

I hope you get to try making this because it’s so good, and foolproof. I didn’t list the exact amounts of the ingredients because it doesn’t really matter, I never measure and I change it all the time. If I want it more pumpkiny that day, I add more pumpkin. If I want more protein, more turkey. Occasionally I’ll throw in some wild rice or lentils if I want some carbs in there, but you need to add extra water. Feel free to add celery, carrots, or any other veg you wish. I like to keep my foods pretty simple to showcase the flavours of the ingredients I use so I limit the main ingredients. Also, this recipe may seem pretty involved to most especially for a slow cooker recipe. But like I said, you can omit the roasting and sautéing and just put all the ingredients directly into the crockpot and you’ll still end up with heaven in the mouth!!

Thank you for giving me the joy of reliving my morning experience of preparing this soup 😋 you have yourself a fine day missy!

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Posted 21 October 2017 - 04:18 PM

I hate to leave food as well! Having dinner out with family is always something I find frustrating because they all start complaining about how full they are and I'm usually sitting there thinking that I could go for another 2 rounds :lol:

I'm glad you did still have a good day and I do hope the scale is kind to you on Monday xxx

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Posted 22 October 2017 - 01:34 AM

Day 23

Once again, writing this on the day after. Yesterday was ... idk. Definitely worse than the day before but it could've been a lot worse as well.

Breakfast: Matcha Bowl with chia seeds, coconut flakes and mango, one egg, two cups of tea with milk, one cup of coffee with milk, one glass of champagne

Snack: Cranberry-Drink

Lunch: (in a restaurant) 3 hashbrowns with apple sauce

Snack: Three cups of tea with milk

Evening: Alcohol: Half a liter of beer, two cups of rum&coke and one cup of gin&tonic, Snacks: A couple handful of peanut flips, a small pretzel, one small piece of chocolate, Dinner: 7 pieces of Pizza (almost one normal-sized pizza)

No idea about the calories ... last night didn't include a full blown binge, but I must admit I ate more Pizza than I would've had to, more than I was hungry for and it was not that anyone would've noticed if I hadn't eaten any more. So I'm a bit mad at myself for it. On the other hand I didn't make a complete fool of myself, I didn't cry, fall over, I drank a lot of water and for today an Ibuprofen will do to get rid of my headaches and a small hangover. I have no idea whether there'll be breakfast today as no one's awake yet. I'd die for a coffee, though. I'll see.

I have really mixed feelings about everything. It went better than I thought (in terms of emotional eating), but I still ate a lot and I'm sure I've gained when I weigh myself tomorrow, which I'm really dreading :/

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Posted 22 October 2017 - 01:37 AM

DeliKate, on 21 Oct 2017 - 08:16 AM, said:

Oh yeah, I feel you on not being able to get the leftovers out of your head til they’re gone

As for the soup, I cut the pumpkin up into cubes, spread them on a pan and sprinkle generously with rosemary and roast them in the oven @ 400 for about 30 min (you can omit this step and put the cubed pumpkin & rosemary directly into the crockpot, but I enjoy the cooking process and that extra roasty flavour!) meanwhile I cut up a med onion and sauté it in a bit of water with a couple cloves of garlic, add salt and pepper, sauté until soft.

When the pumpkins and onions & garlic are done, add them to the crockpot and cover with water. You can add more water for a thinner soup but I like mine to be thick and stew-like. Add about a tbsp of low sodium soy sauce, a tbsp of poultry seasoning, 1-2 bay leaves (if you have) and salt & pepper to your liking and stir until mixed in. Then place your turkey breast (one with skin and bone is best for a kick ass broth but skinless boneless is great too!) on top and cook on high for four hours. After 4 hrs remove only the turkey breast and after it’s cooled enough, remove the skin and bone from the meat and discard. Shred the breast meat with two forks and return to the crockpot (mix it all in) for an additional 2 hrs on high or 4 hrs on low. Badda bing badda boom! Oh, don’t forget to remove bay leaves!

Haha, word to the wise - don’t express interest in a recipe to me and expect not to get a very detailed and thorough response I am very passionate about cooking!

I hope you get to try making this because it’s so good, and foolproof. I didn’t list the exact amounts of the ingredients because it doesn’t really matter, I never measure and I change it all the time. If I want it more pumpkiny that day, I add more pumpkin. If I want more protein, more turkey. Occasionally I’ll throw in some wild rice or lentils if I want some carbs in there, but you need to add extra water. Feel free to add celery, carrots, or any other veg you wish. I like to keep my foods pretty simple to showcase the flavours of the ingredients I use so I limit the main ingredients. Also, this recipe may seem pretty involved to most especially for a slow cooker recipe. But like I said, you can omit the roasting and sautéing and just put all the ingredients directly into the crockpot and you’ll still end up with heaven in the mouth!!

Thank you for giving me the joy of reliving my morning experience of preparing this soup you have yourself a fine day missy!

No worries, haha ! Thanks so much for the recipe ! I'm hoping to try it out as it gets colder It sounds delicious!!

Kodos, on 21 Oct 2017 - 4:18 PM, said:

I hate to leave food as well! Having dinner out with family is always something I find frustrating because they all start complaining about how full they are and I'm usually sitting there thinking that I could go for another 2 rounds

I'm glad you did still have a good day and I do hope the scale is kind to you on Monday xxx

Same ! Haha, it's always like that, and the thing is, even if I'm full, I will always eat because something makes me. I don't even know why. But I can't help it, I need to finish.

Thanks a lot ! I'll see tomorrow. I'm hoping my weekend doesn't make me binge out tonight. If I don't, I have a chance to get rid of the food weight and then maybe it won't be too bad. Still dreading the weigh in though.

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Posted 22 October 2017 - 07:14 AM

Did you have fun then? I hope you really did. Your intake sounds just like a higher calorie day, not like a binge or anything. You were at a party after all and people eat and drink a lot more than normally in this kind of settings. I hope the scale is good to you tomorrow.

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Posted 22 October 2017 - 09:48 AM

vanillaskinny, on 22 Oct 2017 - 07:14 AM, said:

Did you have fun then? I hope you really did. Your intake sounds just like a higher calorie day, not like a binge or anything. You were at a party after all and people eat and drink a lot more than normally in this kind of settings. I hope the scale is good to you tomorrow.

I did, but at times it was a weird atmosphere. I did Talk a lot which wasn't good. Not sure whether it was a binge or not. It was not more Food than what I would've eaten on a usual night out but the reason why I ate it was definitely not because I needed the Food. And despite not feeling disgustingly full, it was way too many calories. But well. I'll see on the scale tomorrow, I guess? Just very confused about everything Right now

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Posted 27 December 2017 - 01:51 PM

Well, you're home and ready to get back on track! As I told you yesterday or so, your Christmas reminds me of my last Christmas. I'd say I was kind of happy, feeling normal during those days and low key overeating, but not binging, which was SO NICE. I'm happy for you, really, that you enjoyed those 5 days. I also think that eating 3 bread buns with spread is not a low key binge. It's just that the combination is high in calories, but as you said, it's just holidays' overeating, that most people do at some point. I hope there's little to no gain tomorrow and that you don't have to look at those sentences, although they're very nice. I'm so glad you bought those pants! You're definitely not too fat to wear them, I swear. You'll look bomb in them♥

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Posted 27 December 2017 - 07:01 PM

I'm all caught up! Sorry for my absence, I should be around more now

I'm so happy to hear that you had a lovely Christmas. This part of your post made me smile so much:

Quote

I was sitting in the train and thinking about the presents I'd be getting and in that moment I realized that I didn't even need any presents really. I realized in this very moment that my happiness does not depend on materialistic things and that I was so thankful for everything I have in my life already. As much as my family annoys me, I am so lucky that I have my family and my friends and (as much as I hate it some days) I have a body that just carried me up a mountain and even though my mind is dark most of the time, I have the fantasy and the ability to think beyond things and I have the ability to question things.

I think as we get older, we really appreciate the important things in life much more. I was the same this year, everyone kept asking me what I wanted as presents and I kept saying "nothing" because there is literally nothing I wanted. Material things are nice, but they can't really bring you happiness like you family and friends can.

And the part where you were proud of your body for being able to carry you up a mountain was very inspiring! A lot of us suffer with bad body image and we hate our bodies, but when you think about it, they do so many amazing things.

I hope your weigh in went alright but if the number isn't below what you wanted then please re-read what you wrote yesterday because it's all completely true! You had a nice Christmas and any weight gained can be lost again. It's nothing to worry about <3

Sending you loads of love and hugs xxx

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#983 kokochi

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Posted 28 December 2017 - 04:33 AM

ana_phora, on 27 Dec 2017 - 1:26 PM, said:

Day 89

So that's it. That was christmas. 5 full days of i-don't-care. I just arrived back in my own room and I have the flat to myself, which is nice for a change. Not that my parents were annoying, not that I didn't have the freedom to do as I pleased, but for me it's hard to be disciplined when it's all not in my hands. Here I know what foods are around, I can go shopping for groceries tomorrow and eat salad and soup and here I can count calories and here there's no huge pantry stuffed to the top with chocolates and fudge and here no one is going to buy me bread rolls that I can eat with macadamia spread.

I allowed myself to not care for the entity of the last week almost. Which is okay. I don't really regret this christmas. I didn't binge as much as I used to, but I definitely overate. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid of the scale. I am. In less than twelve hours I'm gonna know how much I've gained. Then I have two days to get rid of as much food and water weight as I can (also, even though it's only two days of routine, it helps me to get back on track. The longer I let go of a routine, the harder it is to get back into it). So that's my plan until I leave again for New Year's, that I'll be spending with friends.

So today I had breakfast at home (3 bread buns with macadamia spread & tea with milk). Then I met a friend for coffee in town, hopped on the train, finished reading Anna Akana's "so many things I want to tell you". Then I changed trains and read another book I had gotten for christmas .. and boy, that book got to me. It was written so flatly, it was cruel and hard to read and I actually needed to stop halfway and I had to listen to some music haha, I'm just too soft. However, I then finished the book before I had to get off the train. Which means I actually finished three books in four days, which was nice since I haven't been reading as much as I would have liked to the last months. Then a friend messaged me and we went out to get dinner. She had had a rough christmas and needed to get some things off her chest and I listened to her and gave some (probably bad) advice. It was really nice ! I actually had a salad and she had soup, but we had some bread with it and wine and chocolate for dessert and a multivitamin drink later and then I just ate two chocolate bars that I had lying at home so that they were gone (great idea - not). So later I'm just gonna watch a movie and drink a lot of water and tea, hoping to flush it all out for a good start tomorrow morning.

It's likely that I, after a bad weigh in, will jump on here first thing in the morning, so here's some things to remember:
Your christmas was nice. Be glad that you had the food you had.
You didn't binge as much as you could have
It's weight. You will lose it again.
What happened, happened. Make better choices today.
Your self-esteem does depend on your weight, but no one else thinks that way. So don't be ashamed to go out even if you gained.

So that's pretty much it for today. I'll try to start posting regularly again and I'll try to catch up with everyone again, too. It's only New Year's left to survive now.

Oh, one more thing: I bought a pair of pants today. They're ripped boyfriend pants and they're not high waisted, so I don't know what gave me the courage to buy something like this. They're way cooler than me, haha, and I'm not thin enough to wear them, too. So idk how that happened. But they might be nice for days when it's not quite warm enough for shorts but too warm to wear really tight jeans or tights. I might upload a pic at some point.

i know that feeling, when i’m with my family i just feel like..i have no control over anything. i can’t just say no to the high calorie food, i’m trying really hard to hide my ed, and everyone being nice offering me food and stuff.. it makes me feel sick.
but now i’m back..in my house there’s zero packaged processed food, also i can’t over eat my healthy vegan food because i don’t have money for binge eating. only food i have here is to stayin alive, so i won’t waste food. it’s a nice feeling, right now i feel hungry but i just can’t eat for reasons

funny but works for me
we’re probably gained some weight but i’m trying to stay positive because i have control now, same for u, you’re strong.
also your list to remember, so so good. we can always lose weight, it’s ok if you’re gained
n sometimes i couldn’t go out because of my weight too, i feel so ashamed.. but no one cares.. i should just go out for walking or idk anything. thanks

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#984 ana_phora

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Posted 28 December 2017 - 03:06 PM

vanillaskinny, on 27 Dec 2017 - 1:51 PM, said:

Well, you're home and ready to get back on track! As I told you yesterday or so, your Christmas reminds me of my last Christmas. I'd say I was kind of happy, feeling normal during those days and low key overeating, but not binging, which was SO NICE. I'm happy for you, really, that you enjoyed those 5 days. I also think that eating 3 bread buns with spread is not a low key binge. It's just that the combination is high in calories, but as you said, it's just holidays' overeating, that most people do at some point. I hope there's little to no gain tomorrow and that you don't have to look at those sentences, although they're very nice. I'm so glad you bought those pants! You're definitely not too fat to wear them, I swear. You'll look bomb in them♥

I did enjoy those couple of days, that's true! I keep trying to tell myself that this is worth it, that I can have a slow weight loss that stagnates at time and that it's okay to enjoy my life. But well, you know how it is, you stand on the scale and all that you've thought slips into the background. But well, it's just weight. I can lose it, right?

Thanks so much for your feedback on the pants! I might post a pic of them at some point, I wore them today and I hope it looked okay. At least no one ran away screaming but then again I didn't see anyone but my flatmate today, so I guess I'll see what the feedback is when I go to uni.

Thanks for commenting <3 You're a treasure!

Kodos, on 27 Dec 2017 - 7:01 PM, said:

I'm all caught up! Sorry for my absence, I should be around more now

I'm so happy to hear that you had a lovely Christmas. This part of your post made me smile so much:

I think as we get older, we really appreciate the important things in life much more. I was the same this year, everyone kept asking me what I wanted as presents and I kept saying "nothing" because there is literally nothing I wanted. Material things are nice, but they can't really bring you happiness like you family and friends can.

And the part where you were proud of your body for being able to carry you up a mountain was very inspiring! A lot of us suffer with bad body image and we hate our bodies, but when you think about it, they do so many amazing things.

I hope your weigh in went alright but if the number isn't below what you wanted then please re-read what you wrote yesterday because it's all completely true! You had a nice Christmas and any weight gained can be lost again. It's nothing to worry about <3

Sending you loads of love and hugs xxx

Don't worry about your absence or anything! First and foremost I want you to take care of yourself! <3

The fun thing is that the only things I wished for this year were books - so in a way, yes I wished for material things, but then again all I wanted was inspiration or stories to take me away.

You know, in a way I think material things are somehow equal to weight loss to those with an ED - you are always happy with what you get, but it only takes a short time for you to realize you want more.

The number was okay, but I overate again today and I'll gnaw on that throughout the night, really. Sometimes I wonder why I keep doing this. But well, at least I'm still posting and I'm - again - counting, or at least trying. Last year around this time I had given up.

Sending lots of love back <3 Thanks for being there!

kokochi, on 28 Dec 2017 - 04:33 AM, said:

i know that feeling, when i’m with my family i just feel like..i have no control over anything. i can’t just say no to the high calorie food, i’m trying really hard to hide my ed, and everyone being nice offering me food and stuff.. it makes me feel sick.
but now i’m back..in my house there’s zero packaged processed food, also i can’t over eat my healthy vegan food because i don’t have money for binge eating. only food i have here is to stayin alive, so i won’t waste food. it’s a nice feeling, right now i feel hungry but i just can’t eat for reasons funny but works for me
we’re probably gained some weight but i’m trying to stay positive because i have control now, same for u, you’re strong.
also your list to remember, so so good. we can always lose weight, it’s ok if you’re gained
n sometimes i couldn’t go out because of my weight too, i feel so ashamed.. but no one cares.. i should just go out for walking or idk anything. thanks

I'm always scared that I lose weight and people will suspect that I have an ED "because she didn't take what I gave her". Also I don't want to disappoint people by not taking what they offer, too. And I'm just greedy and can't say no to holiday food or chocolate or anything for that matter. So I guess we're kind of similar in that way.

It's so cool that you don't have any processed food in your home! Mine solely consists of packaged stuff, really. I almost never eat fresh fruit and veggies when I know that I'm just home for two days.

Thank you so much for your reassurance ! <3

And I'm sorry that going out has been difficult for you, too. I am sure you look absolutely stunning and beautiful and there's no need to be ashamed!

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#985 lostinthestars

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Posted 28 December 2017 - 03:24 PM

I think those jeans would look good on you. You're definitely cool enough for them You have a great body and perfect proportions, even if you don't see it.

I'm so glad that you have that attitude about your weight after the holidays!! It isn't easy, but it's helpful and logical.

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#986 ana_phora

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Posted 28 December 2017 - 04:41 PM

Day 90 (feel free to ignore. nothing important here)

I feel like there's something missing from me and I don't know what. Well, I know what. But I don't know why. And as always, it's love and attention. How do I know I'm missing something? Well, I found out that one of my favorite opera singers is leaving the theatre of the town I live in and I literally cried over it. I need sleep. But I need something else, too.

I don't know if I've told you about my constant needs for attention or anything and it's something I've only been figuring out for around two and a half months, so it's a topic that will still take me a while to figure out. Not that there's much point, because whenever I think I have anything figured out, someone gives me a piece of information which opens three more doors and I will gnaw on that. It's always that way, that I'll have something to think. I think a little bit of why I developed this controlling mindset over food is because it gives me something to think about, something to plan and something to be successful in, apart from the ever turning wheel of thoughts that I am usually caught in and that never end. Anyways. Ever since I found out I have this huge unfulfilled craving for attention and care, I have been okay at keeping it in check and I've been okay-ish at holding back urges to do certain things in order to get people to care for me. I have also (and I still have) a good set of people around me that have made this feeling ... not fade, but less necessary.

Lately though, I've been feeling really lonely. Actions have been the same, but for some reason, all of this self control is weaving a net around me, and even though I've been socializing and going out and I've been thoroughly enjoying all of this, I feel like I have no one to really talk to. I'm a listener and I'll talk about topics that are interesting and I'll also talk a lot, but I'm also bottling up the way I feel. Despite sharing a lot more, I now share a lot less. And I'm scared I'll explode some day and I'm scared it's gonna be embarrassing, but I don't know what to do about it, I can't tell anyone anything, too many people know way too much already. I'm just scared. I can't afford crying over random things in public, really. I need to be normal and happy. Or at least I need to step up my performance. I need to get fucking good at this.

I don't know how I replace what's missing from me in order to stay sane. I've lost my grip on calorie counting (not entirely and I'll get back to it), but it's been hard over December and impossible over christmas days with my family around. I'll have to let go of it for four days over New Year's too. But the thing is that I know that calorie counting won't satisfy me, I hope the weight loss satisfies me. Nothing else does. I am glad that I can stop myself from binging most days and from impulsively shopping, too, because I don't have the budget for that and I know it doesn't fill the void. But what will? I need to find it. And I need to lose weight, in order to temporarily stuff the hole at least. I also feel like I've used opera and concerts as a coping skill, maybe that's why I'm so devastated about that singer leaving.

I'm sorry for being dramatic. I really am. I think I better go to sleep now. I'm tired, but I can't sleep. I am too wide awake with the wish to find something that exhausts me, screaming would do, or singing or running or something creative, but I can't, can't, can't. I don't even want to binge, but I might do that, if I find nothing else to do.

ILoveMusic11, on 28 Dec 2017 - 3:24 PM, said:

I think those jeans would look good on you. You're definitely cool enough for them You have a great body and perfect proportions, even if you don't see it.

I'm so glad that you have that attitude about your weight after the holidays!! It isn't easy, but it's helpful and logical.

Thank you so much for saying that ! In my opinion my legs are way too short, and well, I'm way too big anyways. By losing weight I'd love to create the illusion of longer legs actually ... but well. Thank you anyways, it makes everything a little easier knowing not everyone thinks the bad things of your body you do.

I guess it's what I try to do with things in life ... it doesn't always work out, though. But still. I wish I didn't have feeling it'd make things much easier.

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#987 Guest_Alex in Chains_*

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Posted 28 December 2017 - 04:50 PM

You're not dramatic, you're really not. I relate to basically everything you've written here, I don't know what else to add. I crave care and attention, and I'm worried someday bottling everything up will make me explode. I'm still not over Chris Cornell's death (and others', but his is the most recent, and I was alive while it happened, unlike a lot of other deaths; I know you're not talking about death, but it's still a loss), maybe because there's a bigger connection between me and musicians/music than between me and other people. Maybe you feel the same way? Songs are able to communicate with me, and me with them, like no one else ever could, and I get attached to them really easily. They expose me, by simply existing, and I reply by simply listening, and it's an amazing connection, even though some would say it's an artificial one.

I know how exhausting everything must be, and I wish I could do something to make you feel better.. You know you can always reach out to me if you need anything <3

#988 Kodos

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Posted 28 December 2017 - 06:22 PM

None of what you wrote comes of as you being dramatic, I promise. I can relate a lot to some of the things you say so I am always glad that you shared your thoughts.

One of the worst feelings in the world is when you are surrounded by people but yet you feel so alone. I think it's when we have friends and family, who we of course love and care for, but we aren't really making those deep connections with them. I'm like this with my parents. Our relationship is a bit better now but earlier this year I felt very alone. I was living in a house with two people (mum and dad) who I barely saw or even spoke to and when we would speak it would be about stupid things like the weather or the cat. When you only ever have conversations like that you can start to feel as though people don't care about you but in actual fact I think it is just a reflection of the way people are these days. We're all so scared to share our true feelings out loud because barely anyone else does and that makes it scary.

I am probably making no sense at all, sorry! I hope you feel much better soon. Sending you so much love xxx

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#989 Guest_vanillaskinny_*

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Posted 29 December 2017 - 04:13 AM

You're not being dramatic at all, your feelings are completely valid. I have a need for attention too, for being the number one priority for someone. I even used my EDNOS at some point to draw attention towards me, but I've only regreted opening up about this so I just stopped talking about my issues as soon as I noticed that people don't take this seriously unless you weigh 40kg or lose 10kg in a month. You see? I always end up talking about me or giving examples about my life because the only time I can talk about myself without thinking I'm not that important is here in mpa.

I think it's good that you're thinking about this things. You are trying to figure out what makes you unhappy to find out a way to feel better. And everyone has coping mechanisms, maybe healthier or worse, but everyone has them, I suppose. Mine lately is Netflix :') so don't worry. Being emotional and feeling things is not bad, I think it's good especially for us.

Better times are coming. Sending you love♥

#990 ana_phora

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Posted 29 December 2017 - 10:05 AM

コントロール, on 28 Dec 2017 - 4:50 PM, said:

You're not dramatic, you're really not. I relate to basically everything you've written here, I don't know what else to add. I crave care and attention, and I'm worried someday bottling everything up will make me explode. I'm still not over Chris Cornell's death (and others', but his is the most recent, and I was alive while it happened, unlike a lot of other deaths; I know you're not talking about death, but it's still a loss), maybe because there's a bigger connection between me and musicians/music than between me and other people. Maybe you feel the same way? Songs are able to communicate with me, and me with them, like no one else ever could, and I get attached to them really easily. They expose me, by simply existing, and I reply by simply listening, and it's an amazing connection, even though some would say it's an artificial one.

I know how exhausting everything must be, and I wish I could do something to make you feel better.. You know you can always reach out to me if you need anything <3

It could be the way that you have described it, just in even a more embarrassing way I am not yet ready to even think about because it makes me flinch whenever I do. I don't know why I'm so fucking twisted. I feel like I'm stuck somewhere that keeps me from growing up. I guess it could be about attachment, even though I've never known or met her. Also, I do have this tendency, whenever I like someone or something, I throw myself in there and before I know it, something that was just fun or something I enjoyed now is a coping skill in an all or nothing situation. I don't know, it feels like I have the weirdest self-destructive habits sometimes. But I can definitely relate to what you wrote. Thank you so much for sharing <3

Kodos, on 28 Dec 2017 - 6:22 PM, said:

None of what you wrote comes of as you being dramatic, I promise. I can relate a lot to some of the things you say so I am always glad that you shared your thoughts.

One of the worst feelings in the world is when you are surrounded by people but yet you feel so alone. I think it's when we have friends and family, who we of course love and care for, but we aren't really making those deep connections with them. I'm like this with my parents. Our relationship is a bit better now but earlier this year I felt very alone. I was living in a house with two people (mum and dad) who I barely saw or even spoke to and when we would speak it would be about stupid things like the weather or the cat. When you only ever have conversations like that you can start to feel as though people don't care about you but in actual fact I think it is just a reflection of the way people are these days. We're all so scared to share our true feelings out loud because barely anyone else does and that makes it scary.

I am probably making no sense at all, sorry! I hope you feel much better soon. Sending you so much love xxx

I hate this feeling of being lonely so much. It's sometimes even worse than just being alone, because when you're alone you don't have to perform as much. I guess I need to find balance and the right people to surround myself with, too.

And I don't know .. I guess it's just difficult for people to deal with and of course I know if I open up, people want me to become better and tell me what to do and check on me, but since I want to make it on my own, I don't want anyone to interfere, which of course doesn't go well with opening up. But it's just ... some people can keep things like these to themselves very well. Keeping secrets of other people is no problem for me, but all of this makes me feel like I'll be bursting at some point, because there's so much thinking, so much thinking and I don't know where to put all of the thoughts.

I feel a bit calmer as I had some sleep and some time to do nothing (well I should've done things, but you know how it goes).

Thanks so much <3

vanillaskinny, on 29 Dec 2017 - 04:13 AM, said:

You're not being dramatic at all, your feelings are completely valid. I have a need for attention too, for being the number one priority for someone. I even used my EDNOS at some point to draw attention towards me, but I've only regreted opening up about this so I just stopped talking about my issues as soon as I noticed that people don't take this seriously unless you weigh 40kg or lose 10kg in a month. You see? I always end up talking about me or giving examples about my life because the only time I can talk about myself without thinking I'm not that important is here in mpa.

I think it's good that you're thinking about this things. You are trying to figure out what makes you unhappy to find out a way to feel better. And everyone has coping mechanisms, maybe healthier or worse, but everyone has them, I suppose. Mine lately is Netflix :') so don't worry. Being emotional and feeling things is not bad, I think it's good especially for us.

Better times are coming. Sending you love♥

Don't worry, it's totally fine. In the end I think all we can truly say stems from our own experiences, so it's okay to use yourself as an example. I totally get what you mean, too. I don't want to tell people I'm struggling. I landed too harsh every single time, so I'm just not gonna bother anymore.

That's what I like so much about this site - you can speak truthfully on here and there's someone that can relate and won't tell you to get better or to do this or that.

I don't mind having coping mechanisms, I just hate that things that I like become coping mechanisms that I'll end up hating That's a huge problem for me.

Thanks so much for being there <3

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#991 ana_phora

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Posted 29 December 2017 - 10:51 AM

Day 91

I dreamed weird things last night:

I talked to my mum about eating disorders. My mother, an old friend of mine who also knows my mum well, and me were walking on green grass, like a park, and the sun was shining. There were some dystopian ruins around and the city in sight, but we had around 500 meters left to get there. I don’t even know what my mum has said to make me so upset, but I think it related to the fact that she suffered from bulimia at some point in her youth and now feels she knows everything. At some point I just couldn’t hold back anymore and almost started shouting at her about how unfair it is that many people with eating disorders don’t get the recognition they deserve just because they’re not skinny. I had to shout because otherwise she wouldn’t have listened to me at all, but at the same time I hated myself for this outburst, because she now must know that I am emotionally involved with that topic.

We all eventually reached the town and my mum and my friend started talking about architecture.

Me and another person were sitting on a table in one of those large tents that you use for big camping sites, one of those that are really sturdy. It was light and it must’ve been warm because the other girl was wearing shorts and none of us wore long sleeves. We both had baked a box of cake mix that was now in the plates in front of us and we were both eating ours entirely. Hers was vanilla, mine was chocolate. I didn’t feel full and it was nice and it was social eating, so I didn’t feel too bad for it. But then I started counting up calories in my head and I had no idea how many calories cake mix even has, certainly around 2,000 calories, and then I remembered that I had eaten dinner and I was way over my limit. When everyone else was gone, I got up to check the label, as I do, but I couldn’t find a label and I started to panic a little bit. Unfortunately people started to return to the room and I had to pretend everything was fine.

Anyways. I woke up because the sun was shining into my room, but I knew it wasn't going to be a good day. Still, I forced myself to get up and walk around the lake to get my steps in. It was a nice walk. I wasn't happy after, but I didn't feel worse either. So that was okay. Then I went into town, tried on various things. I was all over the place, really. I went into a shoe store and I wasn't able to carry anything, I dropped things three times and in front of everyone. After trying on some shoes on the first floor, I went to the second floor and I spent ten minutes looking around until I realized I had forgotten my handbag on the first floor with all my valuables. I panicked over what I had just done (I never forget my valuables anywhere and it scared the heck out of me). So all I could do was run back (it was still there thank goodness) and pay for the shoes that I currently carried around and storm out of the shop. It took me like fifteen minutes to calm down. I then went into a store that sells records and dvds and all that kind of thing, looked around there, but I didn't really find anything and I forbid myself to waste money since the last film that I bought I hadn't yet watched. Sorry that sentence made no sense. I'm not making any sense today. I didn't get anything done today, I need to finish one thing I promised my mother to do. I think I'll try to sleep early today, too. Tomorrow is back home. And in my current state it probably means I'll binge :/

Intake:

Breakfast: yoghurt (178), walnuts (117), muesli (69)

Lunch: milk (95), oats (167), cocoa powder (47), berries (47), chocolate (79), honey (33)

Dinner: pasta (352), sauce (53)

Snack: hot chocolate (93), milk (28)

Total: 1358

Is any of you people on twitter? I have one, but I never use it, none of my RL people know that I have it, and I thought of just posting random thoughts on there, so if any of you are interested in that, let me know.

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#992 Kodos

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Posted 29 December 2017 - 05:06 PM

Dreams can really be so strange sometimes! I think we often dream about the things we're worried about but it's hard to make sense of them when they don't seem to have any sense to them at all.

I'm so glad you got your handbag back! It's such a frightening feeling when you realise you've forgotten something so important. I think I've only ever forgotten my wallet in a store once (I put it down to try on shoes :rolleyes: , It's always the shoes fault! ), you can't help but get into such a panic. So glad it was still there when you went back.

Good luck for your trip back home. I'll be thinking of you <3 xxx

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#993 lostinthestars

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Posted 30 December 2017 - 10:50 AM

Dreams are a funny thing. They replicate a lot of the issues going on in our minds even if they're unrealistic. My dreams are that way, in the sense that they replicate what goes on in my head but in a very strange setting.

Wow, the wallet thing is definitely scary! I'm glad you found it.

Recognizing what the issue is that is making you so uncomfortable, for a lack of a better word, is always a great step to knowing how to not show it, but the difficult thing is figuring out what to do with it and how to manage it. Desiring love and attention isn't a bad thing. Everyone has different levels of needing love and attention. Yes, it's a need because psychological needs exist in order for us to feel content. The difficulty is how to not show these needs in social settings and balancing the social v. self when with others. When these needs aren't met, we look for them in different ways. I'm not trying to oversimplify everything because these things are complicated, but it's a part of life, for some more than others. I know that I have many unmet needs in my life that I deal with through food. It sucks to recognize that we're human and needy because part of me wants to believe that I don't need love or anything else that I crave emotionally.

Sorry this was long, but it just got me thinking about the topic. haha. I hope you have a good day!

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Posted 02 January 2018 - 10:37 AM

Hey, I hope you're doing alright <3

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Posted 02 January 2018 - 02:41 PM

Kodos, on 29 Dec 2017 - 5:06 PM, said:

Dreams can really be so strange sometimes! I think we often dream about the things we're worried about but it's hard to make sense of them when they don't seem to have any sense to them at all.

I'm so glad you got your handbag back! It's such a frightening feeling when you realise you've forgotten something so important. I think I've only ever forgotten my wallet in a store once (I put it down to try on shoes , It's always the shoes fault! ), you can't help but get into such a panic. So glad it was still there when you went back.

Good luck for your trip back home. I'll be thinking of you <3 xxx

It was so frightening ! I was shaking for minutes and I yet have to see if the shoes were actually a good buy, I just bought them because I didn't know what else to do.

Hope you're okay, too <3 I'll write my update soon, hopefully

ILoveMusic11, on 30 Dec 2017 - 10:50 AM, said:

Dreams are a funny thing. They replicate a lot of the issues going on in our minds even if they're unrealistic. My dreams are that way, in the sense that they replicate what goes on in my head but in a very strange setting.

Wow, the wallet thing is definitely scary! I'm glad you found it.

Recognizing what the issue is that is making you so uncomfortable, for a lack of a better word, is always a great step to knowing how to not show it, but the difficult thing is figuring out what to do with it and how to manage it. Desiring love and attention isn't a bad thing. Everyone has different levels of needing love and attention. Yes, it's a need because psychological needs exist in order for us to feel content. The difficulty is how to not show these needs in social settings and balancing the social v. self when with others. When these needs aren't met, we look for them in different ways. I'm not trying to oversimplify everything because these things are complicated, but it's a part of life, for some more than others. I know that I have many unmet needs in my life that I deal with through food. It sucks to recognize that we're human and needy because part of me wants to believe that I don't need love or anything else that I crave emotionally.

Sorry this was long, but it just got me thinking about the topic. haha. I hope you have a good day!

Don't worry, long replies are welcome

There was this movie, I have no idea what it was called, but at some point the actress says "I hate myself for wanting" and I think that's pretty accurate. I don't want to need anyone or anything. I want to be this perfect hard shell with no feelings. But even feeling nothing feels bad, so I guess that's impossible. And the harder I try to suppress all my feelings, the more I bottle up and the more it drives me mad. I hate myself for wanting. Maybe I should write about this at some point, too.

Hope you're good as well <3

コントロール, on 02 Jan 2018 - 10:37 AM, said:

Hey, I hope you're doing alright <3

Hi there, yes, I'm okay. I'm sorry for being M.I.A., I'll write my update right now.

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Posted 02 January 2018 - 02:58 PM

Day 95

... and I don't yet know how much I weigh. I am gonna write a little about the last few days. It's not gonna be interesting, but I wanted to write it down in order to not having to think about it any more. So here goes.

My NYE plans (we had planned to drive up to another city) were cancelled just the day before. Apparently one of the cars had broke down. It was nobody's fault, really, but no one else seemed to be motivated enough to split the cost for a rented car or get train tickets for the people left (I'd have volunteered to go by train, too). It doesn't matter really. It didn't happen anyways. So there was no one to blame really. But I was mad. I was really, really angry. The worst thing that this anger wasn't directed at anyone or anything, really, because it wouldn't have been fair to anyone. I was disappointed and angry and I had this huge fire inside of me that burnt like hell. The smallest thing to happen would either make me cry and snap or both at the same time. I wanted to punch someone, break something, scream, shout or self harm. I didn't do any of the above, because I'm a child that behaves. So I spent the evening listening to opera podcasts and playing the sims (small fun fact: I just now realized how skinny my sims are. I don't think I've ever, in my entire life, moved the slider past the left third. And that evening it occured to me how unnatural sims look. Honestly, to look the way a sim, let's say with the slider in the middle, a normal person would have to be underweight. And all sims have thigh gaps, too, for some reason. I know they're not posing with their feet together, but still. Well, doesn't matter).

I have a feeling that this anger was bottled up emotions, too. Part of what bothered me so much was that it bothered me so much. I didn't want it to bother me. I think another part was that I was angry at myself. I was really angry at myself, but I don't know what for. I don't know. I just don't know. I was not at all in the mood to celebrate NYE, too. All of this scared me a little. I was so mad it drove me crazy. The only solution to not hurt those around me was to get away from everyone and I hate this part about myself. I really need some kind of outlet and I need it soon or this is gonna happen more often. NYE itself ended up being fine somehow. I spent it with the group that was supposed to go and we had a relaxed night. The only thing that still annoys me is that I would have loved to go to another city with flatmate which I said no to because of the trip the group had planned. But apart from that, I survived.

I'll weigh in tomorrow and see how the final damage is. I hope it's not too bad, but well, I did eat until very full quite often. I'll then set a new weight loss goal. I don't think I'll change my method. A very slow weight loss with a slight deficit. I want to incorporate more exercise, though, but exercising has stopped being fun with this knee pain stuff thing.

Intake:

Breakfast: yoghurt (190), almonds (?), bread with butter and honey (?), tea with milk (?)

Lunch: oatmeal with berries (270), hot chocolate (93)

Dinner: salad with tomatoes, carrots, cucumber, fried mushrooms & cashews, dressing and croutons + some cashews eaten, a shared half full glass of lemonade and two sips of juice

Total: ?

Lately I've been too lazy to estimate. I need to pick it back up again. But I think some normality will return to my life from now on

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Posted 02 January 2018 - 06:41 PM

It's so frustrating when things like that happen to your plans. I'm sorry your NYE didn't go how you wanted but I'm happy to hear that you still had a nice evening.

Happy new year to you! I hope 2018 is a wonderful year full of happiness, you deserve nothing less xxx

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Posted 02 January 2018 - 06:49 PM

I totally agree with the theory that your anger was pent up emotions, but I'm glad you're feeling better now. And yeah, I make my sims pretty skinny too haha. I make some of them quite muscular but still on the thinner side, especially when it comes to women. I hope the scale is good to you tomorrow, ily♥

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Posted 02 January 2018 - 10:04 PM

I'm sorry that you had a difficult time during NYE!! I can relate to that unexplainable anger that you don't know how to deal with.

A slow weight loss with a small deficit is always the best idea. I hope your knee feels better soon!

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Posted 02 January 2018 - 10:30 PM

I'm sorry your plans didn't work out, but I hope you managed to enjoy the New Year's Eve regardless. You know, maybe things like that happen for a reason sometimes, even if it doesn't sound very convincing

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Posted 04 August 2018 - 07:14 PM

Here for you always <3

Please don't hate yourself for not being able to purge, it's really not worth it in the slightest. I hate myself for being able to and I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from ever trying it. Things spiral out of control without you even realising it even if you think it won't happen to you, I promise you, it will. You're much better off not ever purging. I know that can be hard to accept but it's the truth.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I wish nothing more than to give you a big hug and tell you that it's all going to be okay. Please keep fighting. You don't need to resort to drastic measures like drugs; that will completely ruin your life and I don't want to see that happen to you. I know you are strong. I know you are smart. I know you are capable of achieving literally anything you put your mind to. Don't be afraid to ask for help because as tough as it is to accept, we just cannot do every single thing on our own. Asking for help isn't accepting defeat, it just shows strength and nothing else.

I really wish we could meet and just hang out. Without a doubt you are one of my favourite people on MPA and the kindest person I have ever had the chance to know. You're wonderful. You might not believe that about yourself but in my eyes, you are already perfect. xxx

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Posted 07 August 2018 - 05:56 AM

Kodos, on 04 Aug 2018 - 7:14 PM, said:

Here for you always <3

Please don't hate yourself for not being able to purge, it's really not worth it in the slightest. I hate myself for being able to and I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from ever trying it. Things spiral out of control without you even realising it even if you think it won't happen to you, I promise you, it will. You're much better off not ever purging. I know that can be hard to accept but it's the truth.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I wish nothing more than to give you a big hug and tell you that it's all going to be okay. Please keep fighting. You don't need to resort to drastic measures like drugs; that will completely ruin your life and I don't want to see that happen to you. I know you are strong. I know you are smart. I know you are capable of achieving literally anything you put your mind to. Don't be afraid to ask for help because as tough as it is to accept, we just cannot do every single thing on our own. Asking for help isn't accepting defeat, it just shows strength and nothing else.

I really wish we could meet and just hang out. Without a doubt you are one of my favourite people on MPA and the kindest person I have ever had the chance to know. You're wonderful. You might not believe that about yourself but in my eyes, you are already perfect. xxx

Oh Kodos <3 That you even read this .. I didn't really think anyone would.

I feel like I need to break this up, so this might be long, I'm very sorry .. don't feel like you have to read all of this ! (EDIT: it's very long. So don't worry if you don't find the time! I know you're busy and would never have bad intentions by not replying!)

– the purging: seen from a "normal" perspective, it's definitely a blessing that I'm not able to. As you say, it's probably stopped me from getting to a point from which I can't return. Not being able to (and my flatmates, I'm too paranoid to try when they're there) is probably a good thing. Sometimes I wonder if I don't want to, deep inside of me, and maybe that's why my throat closes up... And I'd probably not even try to control my binges if I could purge them. Still, I guess you know what it feels like after a binge. Out situations probably don't even compare, but being so full ... it makes me go crazy and triggers so much self-hatred. And of course it causes weight gain, which is ... well, I hate myself every single day for that.

– the drugs: as I never had "a serious ED" or "a serious depression", I'll probably never have "a serious drug problem". The thing is, that it's so tempting for me. I despise it, but in these times, where I'm not able to control anything it just seems like a perfect solution to everything. Then again, I'm "lucky" to be in an environment that hates drug abuse and doesn't tolerate being high often (it's definitely not taken lightly in any of my social circles), because that means that taking drugs is really not an option. I'm working hard on being accepted by my friends every day, too hard to through it away. It's a healthy mindset, I guess. And on top of that, I'm way too much of a "good girl" in order to do anything illegal (I swear, I can't cross a red light, no matter if there's a car to be seen or not ). So this is really more a fantasy. It's just that increasingly happening really bad times, that push me closer and closer. After all, I've done many things I thought I didn't do, just in order to not eat... But so far, I'd say that you don't have to worry about that.

I try to ask for help more often. It makes me feel weak and so bad and I'm barely ever telling the full story, but I'm so grateful to have found a few friends that I can trust and that also trust me. It sounds so corny and stupid and I hate myself for confiding occasionally, but it's a challenge that I try to take as I think it changes me to the better. I hope you can do that too, soon <3 (and I'll be always here, you can message me whenever you want to! I know that's not the same, but still. And I know it sounds like a lie as I've been terribly absent, but if you send me a PM, I promise I'll be fast).

Fun fact: I wrote about meeting up before I saw this over on your accountability. Fun coincidence! I'm scared you wouldn't like me in person though. But I love the thought, still.

Feel hugged <3 You have no idea how much your reply means to me.

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#1243 Kodos

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Posted 07 August 2018 - 07:22 AM

For you, I always have time. And even if I am short for time, I'll make time <3

I completely get the allure of purging. Before I could, I was in the exact same boat as you. The feeling of having binged and there being nothing you can do about it is torture. But purging really just makes it all a million times worse because your binges get bigger, they get more frequent and you'll waste so much more money. It also makes restricting almost impossible because you always just think "why not just purge this too?". In a way, you get to eat all you want but at the same time you don't get to eat anything at all. I don't know if that makes sense? I just know that I miss actually eating. This probably don't change your mind at all but I hope I could offer some perspective.

I'm glad to hear that it's more of a fantasy than something you might actually pursue; but, I still can't help but worry. Based on your own definitions you have labelled your illnesses as "not serious" but I honestly see it differently. Any mental illness is serious and those suffering deserve help and support. You are so worthy of a better life. Telling yourself that it isn't that bad keeps you trapped. I wish for you to break free, I know you can do it.

I'm so so proud of you for reaching out more. It is hard. SO hard! But the fact that you are trying shows everyone just how strong you are. I see no weakness within you.

Aw, no. I'm sure I would love you in person too! Although in saying that, I worry the exact same. I often think that I'm probably different here than in person. I'm much more shy in person but I'd still love to meet one day

Sending all the love and hugs your way xxx

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Posted 08 August 2018 - 09:42 AM

Kodos, on 07 Aug 2018 - 07:22 AM, said:

For you, I always have time. And even if I am short for time, I'll make time <3

I completely get the allure of purging. Before I could, I was in the exact same boat as you. The feeling of having binged and there being nothing you can do about it is torture. But purging really just makes it all a million times worse because your binges get bigger, they get more frequent and you'll waste so much more money. It also makes restricting almost impossible because you always just think "why not just purge this too?". In a way, you get to eat all you want but at the same time you don't get to eat anything at all. I don't know if that makes sense? I just know that I miss actually eating. This probably don't change your mind at all but I hope I could offer some perspective.

I'm glad to hear that it's more of a fantasy than something you might actually pursue; but, I still can't help but worry. Based on your own definitions you have labelled your illnesses as "not serious" but I honestly see it differently. Any mental illness is serious and those suffering deserve help and support. You are so worthy of a better life. Telling yourself that it isn't that bad keeps you trapped. I wish for you to break free, I know you can do it.

I'm so so proud of you for reaching out more. It is hard. SO hard! But the fact that you are trying shows everyone just how strong you are. I see no weakness within you.

Aw, no. I'm sure I would love you in person too! Although in saying that, I worry the exact same. I often think that I'm probably different here than in person. I'm much more shy in person but I'd still love to meet one day

Sending all the love and hugs your way xxx

You're so right about everything. I guess at times I just feel so miserable that all I want is to get rid of it all. The reason I want to purge is the same reason that I want to use drugs, I think. As some kind of redemption.

I guess I'd say it's serious if it were about someone else, too. It's just that I can't see it if I talk about myself, because I lack physical symptoms. My weight has been, apart from losing a few kg and gaining them back, pretty stable. And I've noticed, no matter what I tell people about how I feel, they only start caring when I lose some weight. But well. Maybe I'll do it one day. It kills me right now. It's becoming harder and harder to find anything that's likeable about myself these days.

Sorry for ranting so much ! Hope you're good xx

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#1245 Kodos

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Posted 09 August 2018 - 05:10 AM

The list of likeable things about you is honestly endless. I truly wish you could see that for yourself but since you can't, please trust me in saying this.You are kind, caring, intelligent, beautiful, talented, creative, strong, empathetic, courageous... seriously, the list goes on and on! Your weight has zero impact on those things. You could lose weight or gain weight and all of those traits would still be the same. I know we often think that weighing less will make us "perfect" but it really doesn't. We're still the same person on the inside no matter what we look like. I understand how hard this is to accept and I'm being such a hypocrite for even saying it but I really wish you could accept yourself for the wonderful person you are.

Sending loads of love to you xxx

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#1246 Poison Pixie 666

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Posted 18 August 2018 - 09:43 AM

I hope ur doing OK lovely xx

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Posted 26 October 2018 - 02:45 AM

Poison Pixie 666, on 18 Aug 2018 - 09:43 AM, said:

I hope ur doing OK lovely xx

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk

I am sorry, I haven't updated this in forever. I am not really posting here these days. But I will write a longer update now in case someone cares

I know it's been months. Still, thanks for asking!

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Posted 26 October 2018 - 03:01 AM

Day 393

It has been over a year that I "started over for real" for what feels like the hundredth time. And I had one of the longest and most successful weight loss streaks. I weighed less than I have for years. And then I lost something inside of me and I gained it back. Once again.

Right now I have no idea what I weigh. I am abroad, for one semester, and I haven't brought my scale with me. Months before I left I was convinced I was going to take it. But then, as time passed, I dismissed the thought. After all, I hadn't weighed myself in a long time. Mostly, because I didn't want to know. Right before I left, I had to step on the scale, in order to find out the weight of my suitcase. I did it in the evening, with clothes on and a full belly. Almost back at my SW. I was not really shocked, but it felt bad, very bad. But then I had a flight to catch and my weight .. well, it did definitely not disappear from my thoughts, but it was not my main concern at that moment.

I can't deny that I want to lose weight. Because I do. I think I am fat, I look horrible, and more days than not, I have no self esteem. The first two weeks that I spent here, went fine. I ate quite healthy. And I was restricting, who am I trying to lie to. I always feel better when I know that I have for sure eaten less than what I have burned. The last week, things got a bit worse. I started emotional eating and occasional (quite small, but still) binges. I feel like I don't belong here and that I am a burden to everyone and that I disappoint people. Two days ago, I had my first small meltdown and started crying in the cafeteria. Everything scared me. Even now, where I am a bit better, I feel like I still want to stay inside and eat all the time, because it is the only thing I know how to do (well, I can't eat, I can only binge). I am back at a point where all I want is to use food as a coping mechanism, because I can't deal with things myself.

Don't get me wrong. Things are going fine. Some stuff and uni is not working out the way I want it to, and it stresses me out, but apart from that I live with cool roommates, have found some friends that are all very positive and I feel like I can trust them, and I have already done a few very cool things. Nothing is not working out. Except for me. I feel like my anxiety is going through the roof some days, it's something that I've never had to deal with before, so I don't really know if it is anxiety, but it feels like what I've heard other people describe.

I don't know what to do. I am doubting everything. And there's not really anyone I can talk to about these things right now. I have talked to a friend about the fact that I am not always well and that I am seeing a therapist (well, not right now obviously, but back home). But I don't want anyone finding out about the food stuff. The problem is though, that it is just a huge thing on my mind.

Maybe I should start posting here again, just in order to get the thoughts out of my mind. I have been writing a lot, too. But sometimes, not even that helps.

If anyone reads this, sending love to you and I hope you have a good day <3

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Posted 31 October 2018 - 12:11 AM

Just letting you know that I am thinking of you too <3

I'm sorry things are so hard right now and I wish you did have someone you could talk to that you trust. I'm always here if you ever need to chat. xxx

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#1250 ana_phora

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Posted 09 November 2018 - 12:22 PM

Day 407

It took about one month. One month abroad and things are the same as they were back home. What am I feeling? Probably disappointed, as I thought things were going to change here. The extent of how disappointed I am only goes to show that I was and am struggling much more than I wanted to acknowledge. Let’s be honest. I was okay with not losing weight in my home country, because I thought I would do so here. Even more: I promised myself to do so when abroad. I never let go of losing weight equating happiness. And that is why I can’t be happy right now, because I believe, and this is deeply rooted inside of me, even though I know it’s total bullshit, that I have to lose weight to be happy and confident. And it’s true. I used to be more confident in times that I weighed less, ate healthier or less and worked out more. Last time was a few weeks ago. It’s not something that has ever changed. Eating fewer calories is better. Eating a lot is bad. Whatever happened, weight loss, weight gain, therapy, being in a binge phase, being restrictive … it always stayed the same. The same damn principle for over five years now. That’s why I still believe I would be happier if I stopped eating. That I would be much happier if I stuck my head down a toilet bowl every time after I eat. I know it’s not true. Not eating doesn’t make anyone happy, I suppose. But another truth: if not eating wouldn’t lead to binging, if I were actually able to throw up, then I am pretty sure I would do both of these things. The only reason I am trying to get better is actually disordered in itself: I don’t want to gain more weight because of binge eating, the only eating disordered behavior that I have managed to keep. And believe me, I hate myself for it. I shove way too many things down my throat that I don’t even want and I know about it. I spend money on this shit as well and it such a waste. On top of that, it is embarrassing. That my flatmates know exactly how quickly I go through a kilo tub of yoghurt or how fast a liter of milk is gone. Of course every time is the last time, but then it never is. I sometimes consider putting all my money off my debit card, so that I am simply not able to buy food. But then I would also not be able to do many other things, such as going shopping for clothes, which is my second favorite thing to do in order to deal with my emotions. Fun. Everyone knows I’m broke by the end of the month. I wish I could tell someone the truth. But they would just say that I should just stop spending so much money on food. That’s the worst, I think. That no one understands. With anorexia and bulimia, people take these things seriously. These are disorders. But eating much at a buffet? People are usually cheering me on. Even when I tell them that I struggle with overeating. It’s good that I am eating much. It makes other people feel better about themselves, but it makes me hate myself even more. It makes me feel worthless and horrible. Which I know I deserve. But still, I wish it wasn’t so.

When I asked my therapist what I can do to whilst I’m not seeing her, she said that I can do nothing at this moment and that we’ll continue working when I come back. It was a small detail, but it demotivated me. If there’s nothing I can do right now, I might as well give an occasional fast another go? It makes me feel like shit, but if I binge anyways, I might as well starve in between to balance it out.

Kodos, on 31 Oct 2018 - 12:11 AM, said:

Just letting you know that I am thinking of you too <3
I'm sorry things are so hard right now and I wish you did have someone you could talk to that you trust. I'm always here if you ever need to chat. xxx

Thanks a lot for replying <3 I didn't think there was anyone left here. This is just for my occasional rant.

Sending lots of hugs xx

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#1251 mochi_oli

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Posted 10 November 2018 - 03:36 AM

Hi, I just read your last post and I'm sorry you're feeling disheartened. I am the same, always alternating binge and starving phases without hardly losing weight and it's so tiring, it feels like such a waste of time, energy, life! I hope you have a nice weekend, I will try to follow your updates from now on ♡ hugs from Brazil

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Posted 13 November 2018 - 04:00 PM

Don't know the day rn

Just a quick update – binge urges have been so bad that I decided to not buy food to keep at home anymore. I will eat at the cafeteria, breakfast and lunch and then I will see about dinner ... I probably will have to buy food at some point. But I don't trust myself around anything. I forcefeed myself anything these days and it's such a waste of money.

mochi_oli, on 10 Nov 2018 - 03:36 AM, said:

Hi, I just read your last post and I'm sorry you're feeling disheartened. I am the same, always alternating binge and starving phases without hardly losing weight and it's so tiring, it feels like such a waste of time, energy, life! I hope you have a nice weekend, I will try to follow your updates from now on ♡ hugs from Brazil

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Thanks a lot ! I am not writing many these days, mostly because I am not achieving anything, haha, but I'm glad to have you stick around

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Posted 15 November 2018 - 04:50 AM

.. ok I had to buy food, because university is closed because of a national holiday (and I am greedy). I went to the supermarket this morning and bought a lot of healthy food almost on autopilot. And now I am home, working on a project and all I can think about is food. I bought two chocolate bars in order to satisfy some cravings (of course that never works, but well) and then healthy food, which I am not so likely to binge on (but well, these days I will probably ..). But I also have bread and pasta and yoghurt, which are all foods that have triggered binges in the recent past. Especially because I have some peanut butter and strawberry jam left over.

I don't know what happened. I was doing well at the beginning of the last month and then, for the entire November it has been bad. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel. I don't have a space here, I don't have a space at home. I have no purpose, but I also don't want to kill myself. I feel like I'm not living for anything right now. And I can't talk to anyone about this. I just doing things from day to day, to keep myself going, but I don't know what for. I'm studying for grades, but why? I'm gonna finish my degree, but why? I'm gonna eat so that I can be productive, but why? I want to cry, really badly, but I can't. I want to talk to someone about all of this, but I can't. Everything's going so well, but I've lost my sense of purpose right now. I wish I could find purpose in losing weight again, but there is none, so I binge, because I pretend I find pleasure in it, which I also really don't anymore. But it's the closest, so I still do it. And it keeps my mind from thinking. Recently the thoughts have been spinning. I haven't been able to stop thinking about things for just one second. Even when I was doing something completely different. I haven't slept well, because my mind kept going round and round. I can't concentrate in class anymore. And yeah, on top of that I don't see a purpose in anything. All I want to do is get really drunk at some point this weekend.

Sorry, it's all so depressing. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry. I'm not exactly fine, but I will be.

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#1254 ana_phora

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Posted 04 May 2020 - 02:50 PM

I hope no one follows this thread anymore. Just commenting for technical purposes.

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#1255 ~Evie~

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Posted 17 May 2020 - 01:13 PM

ana_phora, on 04 May 2020 - 2:50 PM, said:

I hope no one follows this thread anymore. Just commenting for technical purposes.

I do! I often wonder how you are doing! xo

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#1256 persephoneinwinter

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Posted 05 July 2021 - 08:17 PM

I'm commenting as I found your HR thread somewhere, but then I absolutely love your sig

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recent high weight (July 5 2021): 56.7kg

current weight: 52.7kg/116lbs @ April 2022

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progress since 5 July 2021:

• ~~56.5kg~~ • ~~56kg~~ • ~~55.5kg~~ • ~~55kg~~ •

progress since 1 April 2022:

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#1257 ana_phora

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Posted 19 August 2021 - 06:00 AM

~Evie~, on 17 May 2020 - 1:13 PM, said:

I do! I often wonder how you are doing! xo

Sorry for never replying. I am barely here anymore. But I'm actually doing well! Basically I went to therapy and I'm doing better ED wise, but I'm still living with it all somehow. What about you? How have you been?

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Posted 11 December 2016 - 10:44 PM

ana_phora, on 11 Dec 2016 - 3:36 PM, said:

Yeah I just started... I suck at everything I guess.

Is it normal to eat everything (literally) you own and not even feel close to full too?

No, you don't suck!! It just takes some time figuring everything out. I also struggled with the financial aspect, the living on my own, the food, the pressure from university. It get's better, I promise.

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#102 ana_phora

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Posted 12 December 2016 - 11:37 AM

kissmyabs, on 11 Dec 2016 - 10:44 PM, said:

No, you don't suck!! It just takes some time figuring everything out. I also struggled with the financial aspect, the living on my own, the food, the pressure from university. It get's better, I promise.

You're so kind. <3

I'm really emotional today, for some reason.

Thanks for empowering me. It's weird how I just don't care for anything anymore. I just can't control myself at all, it seems. In no way. Money, I spend it. Food, I eat it. Alcohol, I drink it. When I have to do stuff, but there's a series I could watch? I watch the series. I have so much to do and all I do is hang. I'm sad for no reason and I have two bottles of wine that I'll drink after gym tonight. On my own. Yup, I have such a fun life. Also, I am kinda slipping back into bad SH habits.

I'm sorry. I try to get back on track every morning, but it ends up being tough every day. I know it's just a bad excuse.

Please, please, don't read my things or reply if they make you feel bad. And even if I seem very weak and stupid, you can always come to me if you want to get something off your chest too, just so you know. I feel bad for putting all of this on you.

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#103 kissmyabs

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Posted 12 December 2016 - 01:49 PM

ana_phora, on 12 Dec 2016 - 11:37 AM, said:

You're so kind. <3

I'm really emotional today, for some reason.

Thanks for empowering me. It's weird how I just don't care for anything anymore. I just can't control myself at all, it seems. In no way. Money, I spend it. Food, I eat it. Alcohol, I drink it. When I have to do stuff, but there's a series I could watch? I watch the series. I have so much to do and all I do is hang. I'm sad for no reason and I have two bottles of wine that I'll drink after gym tonight. On my own. Yup, I have such a fun life. Also, I am kinda slipping back into bad SH habits.

I'm sorry. I try to get back on track every morning, but it ends up being tough every day. I know it's just a bad excuse.

Please, please, don't read my things or reply if they make you feel bad. And even if I seem very weak and stupid, you can always come to me if you want to get something off your chest too, just so you know. I feel bad for putting all of this on you.

don't feel bad, hun. That's what the internet is for

I always end up asking too much of myself and then get so blocked by the anxiety of not being able to live up to my own standards that I end up being unable to do anything and binge-watching netflix. Could this be a partial explanation for you situation? Like, maybe you should focus on getting one thing right and cut yourself some slack on the others. Life as a perfectionist is hard and unbearable!

Thanks, it's so sweet of you to offer your help. Today I'm very high on caffeine and positive vibes at work, but I'll definitely get back to this once I finally break down.

Stay safe, sweet girl

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#104 ana_phora

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Posted 12 December 2016 - 02:45 PM

kissmyabs, on 12 Dec 2016 - 1:49 PM, said:

don't feel bad, hun. That's what the internet is for

I always end up asking too much of myself and then get so blocked by the anxiety of not being able to live up to my own standards that I end up being unable to do anything and binge-watching netflix. Could this be a partial explanation for you situation? Like, maybe you should focus on getting one thing right and cut yourself some slack on the others. Life as a perfectionist is hard and unbearable!

Thanks, it's so sweet of you to offer your help. Today I'm very high on caffeine and positive vibes at work, but I'll definitely get back to this once I finally break down.

Stay safe, sweet girl

That's definitely an explanation, especially because I'm just starting to study and all of the sudden am facing so many things that I can't do.

I guess that's really reasonable, to cut some slack. I just don't know where. Because even if I was perfect at the things that stress me out now, there'd be so much more that I can't do and I'm never going to be good enough.

I just don't know where to go, what to do, where to turn. I know my life is so, so easy and I am basically handed everything, yet I screw up so badly all the time. I know my life is worth living and I am so fortunate to not hate my life, but it's nights like this that I really, really want to disappear. I should be stronger, I know that.

I'm so sorry for rambling this weird stuff.

I need to have a better plan, but everything's just slipping. I have nothing and I am nothing.

I'm sorry.

Let me know when there's anything I can do for you and if you want to ramble ! Have a good night and you take care too!

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Posted 15 December 2016 - 04:57 AM

ana_phora, on 12 Dec 2016 - 2:45 PM, said:

That's definitely an explanation, especially because I'm just starting to study and all of the sudden am facing so many things that I can't do.
I guess that's really reasonable, to cut some slack. I just don't know where. Because even if I was perfect at the things that stress me out now, there'd be so much more that I can't do and I'm never going to be good enough.

I just don't know where to go, what to do, where to turn. I know my life is so, so easy and I am basically handed everything, yet I screw up so badly all the time. I know my life is worth living and I am so fortunate to not hate my life, but it's nights like this that I really, really want to disappear. I should be stronger, I know that.
I'm so sorry for rambling this weird stuff.
I need to have a better plan, but everything's just slipping. I have nothing and I am nothing.
I'm sorry.

Let me know when there's anything I can do for you and if you want to ramble ! Have a good night and you take care too!

I know it sounds scary, but maybe take a break from your accountability? Might make you feel less guilty and help you get some clarity.

That being said I'd miss you!

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#106 ana_phora

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Posted 15 December 2016 - 11:13 AM

kissmyabs, on 15 Dec 2016 - 04:57 AM, said:

I know it sounds scary, but maybe take a break from your accountability? Might make you feel less guilty and help you get some clarity.
That being said I'd miss you!

I see what I'll do... Maybe it will, but on the other hand it's a nice place to vent and I also want to keep up with you I think I won't use it as an accountability (what's the point if I can't weigh in), but maybe I'll use it as my diary sometimes in between.

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#107 ana_phora

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Posted 15 December 2016 - 11:17 AM

Small life update: I've been having a very rough week and people around have been worried about me. For some reason I feel really depressed. But I don't think anyone will be concerned if I act happy next week, last week of uni for the year, so I should be okay.

Today was good, pretty much. I was with a friend I don't see that often and I actually opened up to her about some things (that I feel sad and not very good about myself) and I think she can relate since she's told me some stuff as well. We had quite a big breakfast / lunch (6 slices of toast and 2 hazelnut chocolate thingies), but it's okay for now. Then I went to uni until now and I'll have training later. I am quite weak and shaky, and I don't know why. But I feel too nauseous to eat. And I really don't want to as well. I can't really figure out what of the two it is. I'm gonna have some tea and then I'll go off to class later. I hope I can somehow stop shaking, it won't look that elegant I believe, but I never do anyways.

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#108 ana_phora

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Posted 15 December 2016 - 02:26 PM

Okay, so I went to dance class and it usually makes me feel good, but today was just horrible. I couldn't get anything right, I was asked about the bruises on my arm (of course I can't tell them where they're really from) and I just answered that I didn't know and everyone knew I was lying... however, that doesn't bother me as much as the fact that I got nothing right. :/ I know that I just have to keep practicing and that I can't give up, but I was so close to crying when I left today. :/ Only good thing is that all this heaviness right now leaves me not feeling hungry at all.

That doesn't mean I won't binge, but for now I think I'm okay.

Sorry for the negativity. But I am so close to wanting to SH again.

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#109 kissmyabs

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Posted 16 December 2016 - 03:53 PM

ana_phora, on 15 Dec 2016 - 2:26 PM, said:

Okay, so I went to dance class and it usually makes me feel good, but today was just horrible. I couldn't get anything right, I was asked about the bruises on my arm (of course I can't tell them where they're really from) and I just answered that I didn't know and everyone knew I was lying... however, that doesn't bother me as much as the fact that I got nothing right. :/ I know that I just have to keep practicing and that I can't give up, but I was so close to crying when I left today. :/ Only good thing is that all this heaviness right now leaves me not feeling hungry at all.

That doesn't mean I won't binge, but for now I think I'm okay.

Sorry for the negativity. But I am so close to wanting to SH again.

so sorry, hope tomorrow will be better for you!

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Posted 16 December 2016 - 04:27 PM

kissmyabs, on 16 Dec 2016 - 3:53 PM, said:

so sorry, hope tomorrow will be better for you!

Today is better, but it still feels as if I carried a weight much heavier than ever before. I can't help but wonder, how much out of control am I actually?

However, you don't need to worry. I'm spending the weekend at my parents, which I usually loathe since it I eat much more when I'm there. But it feels as if I need room away from the city I moved to, all of the sudden.... Thinking of it, there's no good place for me to be at the moment. I just want to be alone with no one knowing where I am. But I guess that's how we all feel, right?

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#111 ana_phora

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Posted 18 December 2016 - 12:45 PM

I am actually considering using this as a journal on top of this just being an accountability. But I'm also so damn scared, because every time I keep a journal I'm paranoid about being found out. Like, tomorrow at uni someone will come up to me and say: you're that person and you're so dumb and pathetic and fat.

However, I feel the need to get things out sometimes.

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#112 kissmyabs

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Posted 19 December 2016 - 03:33 PM

ana_phora, on 18 Dec 2016 - 12:45 PM, said:

I am actually considering using this as a journal on top of this just being an accountability. But I'm also so damn scared, because every time I keep a journal I'm paranoid about being found out. Like, tomorrow at uni someone will come up to me and say: you're that person and you're so dumb and pathetic and fat.

However, I feel the need to get things out sometimes.

I can relate. Maybe keep the details a bit vague and focus more on your feelings. I'm the same, I'm super paranoid about being found out.

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#113 kissmyabs

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Posted 24 December 2016 - 04:13 PM

Happy Christmas to you!

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#114 ana_phora

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Posted 08 January 2017 - 05:50 PM

kissmyabs, on 24 Dec 2016 - 4:13 PM, said:

Happy Christmas to you!

Thanks <3

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#115 ana_phora

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Posted 08 January 2017 - 05:55 PM

I kind of wanted to write a long text about everything, but then I realized no one cares.

I'm just not enough of a person ; I'm not worthy of even having feelings.

I will try to keep up with this accountability from now on again. Maybe I can at least lose some weight.

(Sorry for sounding depressed)

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Posted 09 January 2017 - 10:15 AM

Due to a rip on my mouth I couldn't eat properly today and my scale's still broken.

Intake:

Lunch: Yoghurt w/ peach and a kitkat bar

Dinner: Smoothie (153), six protein balls (186)

Edit: I had about 200g of lentil soup and two tiny chocolates ... feel bad, but scale doesn't work.

Quite hungry, but I'll stick to water and tea through a straw. And when my mouth is healed, I'm ready to go back onto my "regular diet" - toast, salad, smoothies and snickers bars.

Feeling better today, since my intake wasn't that high today.

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#117 ana_phora

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Posted 11 January 2017 - 01:12 PM

I don't know how much I ate today, but I never really felt full ... that probably means I need much more than other people and am just a greedy pig, but at least I didn't binge.

I think I should set up a new meal plan now that my mouth is healing.

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#118 ana_phora

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Posted 01 March 2017 - 11:07 AM

So I guess I'm back on this one. My approach will be the same, High Restriction and I'm not sure if I'll count calories or not or what to do at all. So until I decided on a plan or a diet I'm going to try to eat healthy. I'm okay with slow weight loss as long as I don't gain. But the thought of my body makes me sick, and I don't want to live like this, don't want to waste my next summers. So I'm going to be thin.

I'm trying to use a more positive approach than before. Because when I'm full of anger, I binge. So I'm trying to be more forgiving with myself. I don't know how yet, though, since I honestly hate myself. But maybe I can work on that.

Tomorrow I'll weigh in. The thought is terrifying, but what has to be done... Maybe I'll go to a dressing room and take a bodycheck (my room lacks a mirror).

Right now I'm trying to write out a food plan, that's enough, but will make me lose weight. So far my plan is to go mostly plant based and maybe low carb in the evening. But I'm not yet sure.

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Posted 01 March 2017 - 12:37 PM

Everything you say is so so relatable. I hope you never feel alone in this bc we're very similar. Don't be afraid of the scale tomorrow. I took measures, pictures and weighed in today, and instead of feeling down on myself I'm motivated to improve myself. This time is the right time. We're not quitting or giving up this time okay? We'll make it because we deserve to be happy and confident and feel good about ourselves. We're aproaching this weight loss in a healthier way now so this can only be good for us. You have all of my support and I hope to hear about your plan soon. Good luck sweetie we got this! :lol:

#120 ana_phora

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Posted 02 March 2017 - 03:11 AM

UPDATE (STATS):

Weight: 65.0 kg // 143 lbs

Height: 173 cm // 5'7"

BMI: 21.7

GW1: 60 kg - BMI: 20.0

GW2: 57 kg - BMI: 19.0

GW3: 54 kg - BMI: 18.0

GW4: 50 kg - BMI: 16.7

UGW: 48 kg - BMI: 16.0

I weighed in this morning. And I'm the heaviest I've ever been. But well, I'm going to take a new approach, this negativity always leads me to binge. So I'm first of all going to try eating like a normal person, well, what seems normal to me. I need to stop binging. So I'm not setting a time frame yet.

Today I'll follow a healthy meal plan and simply count all calories. And then I'll decide what to cut etc.

I'll also count the milk I put in my tea (two cups max) today and just see what'll happen and how much I'm actually eating. I know it's a lot, but if I can narrow it down to under 1,600 I'd still somehow lose weight. And maybe I'll get started on the HSGD again.

I know that I probably don't have a place here, with this diet. But I don't know where else to write these things down.

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why i hate IP (pics included)

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#7441 NovemberChrysanthemum

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Posted 03 December 2021 - 03:04 PM

Some date. How pushy can you be? Nice people don't pressure others to drink if they don't want to. Anyway, you could say if i really wanted to "build up a tolerance" it won't be with you lol. I guess you mean a long Island ice tea? That's what we call them. They are made with at least 3 kinds of alcohol. I'm sorry your date wasn't that nice. If he asks you out again, suggest one of your co-workers. It would be awkward to be on a date with someone who brings their friend. Who does that?

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#7442 manatee420

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Posted 03 December 2021 - 03:35 PM

Holy shit a long island iced tea IS NOT a drink for beginners because of how much alcohol is in it. That's scary af, he was trying to get you wasted

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#7443 berin

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Posted 03 December 2021 - 03:47 PM

The way this guy treated you, especially when he is well aware you don't have experience with alcohol or going out to bars, and the 'do you like me' stuff- so many red flags. It really feels like he was looking to take advantage of you, or laying some of the ground work to do so in the future.

You don't owe him anything, even if he paid for whatever. I'd really not go out again with this guy given his behavior...

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#7444 EatingDisOrder of Nachos

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Posted 03 December 2021 - 09:52 PM

omg

I just kind of lurk this thread now and then because I'm not on mpa all that often but

I just want to add my voice to all the others here who are letting you know your coworker is creepy and a major red flag, please be careful

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#7445 IdealisticDisaster

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Posted 03 December 2021 - 11:43 PM

I’m just going to add to the pile of responses here - nope nope nope nope outta this situation please.

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#7446 AFoxInSocks

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Posted 04 December 2021 - 01:29 AM

I gotta agree with everyone else here. The fact he got you a Long Island means he’s intentionally trying to get you drunk. I’ve actually had guys friends tell me to watch out for this kind of move. Please be careful around this guy.

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#7447 g.lina

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Posted 04 December 2021 - 03:22 AM

Yeah I second all of this.

Mayuu, that's a huge fucking red flag.

Please stay safe.

AFoxInSocks, on 04 Dec 2021 - 01:29 AM, said:

I gotta agree with everyone else here. The fact he got you a Long Island means he’s intentionally trying to get you drunk. I’ve actually had guys friends tell me to watch out for this kind of move. Please be careful around this guy.

IdealisticDisaster, on 03 Dec 2021 - 11:43 PM, said:

I’m just going to add to the pile of responses here - nope nope nope nope outta this situation please.

EatingDisOrder of Nachos, on 03 Dec 2021 - 9:52 PM, said:

omg

I just kind of lurk this thread now and then because I'm not on mpa all that often but

I just want to add my voice to all the others here who are letting you know your coworker is creepy and a major red flag, please be careful

berin, on 03 Dec 2021 - 3:47 PM, said:

The way this guy treated you, especially when he is well aware you don't have experience with alcohol or going out to bars, and the 'do you like me' stuff- so many red flags. It really feels like he was looking to take advantage of you, or laying some of the ground work to do so in the future.

You don't owe him anything, even if he paid for whatever. I'd really not go out again with this guy given his behavior...

Zombi, on 03 Dec 2021 - 1:49 PM, said:

Oh my god, what a jerk.
Cocktail and a shot… tequila at that. No no no. Those are not drinks for beginners !! The Long Island ice tea has at least 3 shots worth of alcohol, and tequila is just… bad.

It’s good that you didn’t let him coerce you, and you got out of there as soon as you could.

I’m sorry your night wasn’t that great, I promise not all drinks are disgusting! Sadly though, alcohol calories suck. 55 for a vodka with diet soda.

I find that I need to be in the right mood for going out drinking; I either get pissed off and want to go home after one, or I can drink all night and feel great. My medications interact with alcohol though so I have to be careful and take breaks between drinks to see what effect it has that night.

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SW: 42kg

HW: 46-47kg

LW: 38kg

GW1: 39kg

GW2: 37.5kg

UGW: 36kg

All I'll say is

Height

Bones

Grades

Math

If I can't have these what's the point of living?

No more restriction, no more ED. Just trying to live and forget about ever having an ED.

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Posted 04 December 2021 - 08:01 AM

TPWLMST, on 03 Dec 2021 - 10:13 AM, said:

i haven't finished reading yet but wait - he forced you to drink and then ordered a LONG ISLAND ICED TEA for you again i am twice your size and even when i had experience with binge drinking that would've gotten me wasted

aghhh I should have done my research beforehand..... the guy was boasting about how he can drink SEVERAL of those drinks, and saying that it was 'for first timers' or whatever...yeah he was definitely messing with me. I'm so glad I didn't take more than a few sips. tbh, what really got to me was the tequila, in terms of the light headedness.

the guy had THREE pure tequila shots, a red bull, two gin and tonics, a bottle of sapporo beer.... have no idea how on earth he was still feeling perfectly fine afterwards.

TPWLMST, on 03 Dec 2021 - 10:14 AM, said:

for context a long island iced tea can be anywhere from 3-5 drinks, i hope you're okay. i'll draft up a longer post (ft an explanation as to why him saying you need to build up a tolerance is bullshit + the toxicology behind tolerances under a spoiler lol) when i'm done reading

3-5??? damn what the -

yeah I'm so so so so so glad I didn't drink it. Much. I hate hate hate the taste.

TPWLMST, on 03 Dec 2021 - 10:44 AM, said:

yeah based off of how pushy he was about drinking and asking if you were attracted to him i'm glad you didn't take him up on his offer and went home early… he really pushed the equivalent of 4-6 drinks on you and said it was for lightweights :/

Spoiler

okay so to start drinking culture is very much a thing that exists and some people may pressure others into binge drinking to fit in (like this guy did) but it's perfectly fine to not be interested in it.

the thing about and general understanding of tolerances is a half truth, your body reacts to the same bac% (blood alcohol concentration %) regardless of how much 'experience' you have drinking. this is also why people who are heavier need to drink more to be impacted and drinking on an empty stomach is a bad idea.

for the former there's just more tissue so it takes more ethanol to reach the same concentration level, for the latter the ethanol is absorbed into the bloodstream quicker on an empty stomach meaning there's a sudden increase of bac% rather than one that's more gradual. the way that alcohol in ingested and absorbs into the bloodstream is why i said to give it three minutes in my earlier advice, inexperienced drinkers can and will give themselves alcohol poisoning because they think 'oh this hasn't hit yet' and slam an extra few shots or chug from the bottle

bac% will continue to increase as long as there is alcohol to be absorbed at a faster rate than the alcohol is metabolized/burned off by the liver. this is why people can pass out after chugging liquor, a bottle or two of wine, or shotgunning beer and still have their bac% increase to the point of an overdose. this is how most overdoses occur, actually

'if having the same bac% will impact someone the same how do tolerances work or build up then' so the liver uses certain enzymes to burn off alcohol right? the standard formula is that it can produce enough to burn drinks off at a rate of 1 per hour

if you are drinking regularly, especially binge drinking, the liver will start to pre-emptively make those, this process is a burden on the liver. so because more alcohol is metabolized at the beginning of drinking than for someone who doesn't have a built up tolerance this is commonly interpreted as having gotten used to existing/functioning at a certain bac% rather than that a person has to drink enough to work through those enzyme stores to achieve the same bac%

this feeds into itself by making a person have to drink more to get drunk -> liver works overtime to stockpile excess -> drink more -> liver works overtime. it's not that you get used to drinking or learn how to handle your liquor in the assumed sense, you can still chug enough fast enough to overdose or get wasted as opposed to buzzed

thank you so much for your detailed explanation!! I don't have that much time today to type up an adequately detailed response, but thank you so much for providing me with so much information. It deifnitely..... sounds like drugs to me? Getting 'used' to it, and then having to take more and more to get the same effect.. pretty scary. I'm pretty sure that now the reason behind why that guy has such a 'high tolerance' is that.... he's addicted. I suppose his liver is working overtime, full time now. Not that he seems to care as well. Not about smoking, either. Though I don't really have the right to lecture anyone about 'health damage' because I'm not exactly 'healthy' myself....

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Posted 04 December 2021 - 08:11 AM

TraumatisedUnicorn, on 03 Dec 2021 - 10:51 AM, said:

I'm sorry you got pressured to drink, that sounds really uncomfortable and scary. I've been in situations like that before and I know how horrible it feels, especially when you're trying to be polite and not offend anyone but someone's being really pushy. If you do go out with your co-worker again then PLEASE be careful, based on my own experiences, people who try and pressure you to drink often want you drunk so it will be easier for them to try and sleep with you. I'm not saying that's what happened, but some alarm bells went off for me reading about your night and I would hate it if you were forced into anything you didn't want to do. You've been through enough already.

I'm sorry your mum noticed the weight in your bra, hopefully it won't be brought up again? And I'm sorry that you ended up being forced to drink the milk still. At least you were able to convince your dad about the dirt from the weight, though it's so wrong that he comes into your room without knocking and stands over your shoulder when you're cleaning and says it's not good enough.

I'm really sad that you didn't end up having a good time whilst you were out, I was really excited for you and I really wanted you to be able to have a good time. You deserved to have a great night and get to be really happy with everything you've been going through.

Necropolis, on 03 Dec 2021 - 11:01 AM, said:

Yeah okay I'm getting serious warning signs from the guy. Pushing you to drink and constantly asking you if you like him? I know you're sure he doesn't like you 'in that way'but it 100% sounds like he does.

Kudos for not folding under pressure to drink! Honestly, you did so well but please PLEASE be careful about going out with him again. Make sure you're super clear that you're only work friends and make sure it won't just be the 2 of you if you go out next time.

TPWLMST, on 03 Dec 2021 - 11:14 AM, said:

i also want to add that his friend was less pushy, yes, but that he's just as at fault for seeing what was happening and going along with it. i wouldn't go out with this guy again and am sorry your night went the way it did

i know i keep commenting but i'm appalled at the nerve of this guy. that is one of the strongest mixed drinks you can order. he probably would've told you that moonshine is called that for how light it is if he could or that something is 100 proof because it's 100% alcohol free

_{also to be clear my info comes from reading into toxicology, not personal experience. despite everything i'm actually kind of a lightweight, even when i was at my worst. people who aren't lightweights would still get fucked up on the amount pushed on you though}

thinstrument, on 03 Dec 2021 - 12:14 PM, said:

I would not go out again with this guy.

As others said - A LI iced tea is like 5 shots or something. (I love them but they are STRONGER than they taste.).

And him pressuring you to drink is NOT COOL at all. Bleck.

Zombi, on 03 Dec 2021 - 1:49 PM, said:

Oh my god, what a jerk.
Cocktail and a shot… tequila at that. No no no. Those are not drinks for beginners 😡!! The Long Island ice tea has at least 3 shots worth of alcohol, and tequila is just… bad.

It’s good that you didn’t let him coerce you, and you got out of there as soon as you could.

I’m sorry your night wasn’t that great, I promise not all drinks are disgusting! Sadly though, alcohol calories suck. 55 for a vodka with diet soda.

I find that I need to be in the right mood for going out drinking; I either get pissed off and want to go home after one, or I can drink all night and feel great. My medications interact with alcohol though so I have to be careful and take breaks between drinks to see what effect it has that night.

NovemberChrysanthemum, on 03 Dec 2021 - 3:04 PM, said:

Some date. How pushy can you be? Nice people don't pressure others to drink if they don't want to. Anyway, you could say if i really wanted to "build up a tolerance" it won't be with you lol. I guess you mean a long Island ice tea? That's what we call them. They are made with at least 3 kinds of alcohol. I'm sorry your date wasn't that nice. If he asks you out again, suggest one of your co-workers. It would be awkward to be on a date with someone who brings their friend. Who does that?

manatee420, on 03 Dec 2021 - 3:35 PM, said:

Holy shit a long island iced tea IS NOT a drink for beginners because of how much alcohol is in it. That's scary af, he was trying to get you wasted

berin, on 03 Dec 2021 - 3:47 PM, said:

The way this guy treated you, especially when he is well aware you don't have experience with alcohol or going out to bars, and the 'do you like me' stuff- so many red flags. It really feels like he was looking to take advantage of you, or laying some of the ground work to do so in the future.

You don't owe him anything, even if he paid for whatever. I'd really not go out again with this guy given his behavior...

EatingDisOrder of Nachos, on 03 Dec 2021 - 9:52 PM, said:

omg

I just kind of lurk this thread now and then because I'm not on mpa all that often but

I just want to add my voice to all the others here who are letting you know your coworker is creepy and a major red flag, please be careful

AFoxInSocks, on 04 Dec 2021 - 01:29 AM, said:

I gotta agree with everyone else here. The fact he got you a Long Island means he’s intentionally trying to get you drunk. I’ve actually had guys friends tell me to watch out for this kind of move. Please be careful around this guy.

hey~

sorry that I won't be able to do detailed responses to each and every one of you tonight - I ended up sort of wasting a lot of time today and procrastinating (doing nothing) so I can't write too much - but - thank you so much to all of you, for looking out for me. For reminding me how risky it could have been, for warning me about what potentially could have happened..

I really don't think the guy 'liked' me as in romanticallly, in the 'proper' way? sounds like he just wanted to ... find someone to mess with. He himself said it, too - that his girlfriends felt 'insecure' with him, because he's addicted to going out clubbing and drinking and they didn't really 'trust' that he wouldn't cheat or something. That he would be committed, because he certainly doesn't seem that way. he deifnitely seemed very proud of how he 'satisfies his needs' every now and then with 'chicks at clubs' and stuff, even if it has to be 'random people.' And yup he did keep saying that I was 'cute' and that he wanted to see how I was like when drunk.... yeahhhh definitely red flag now, from what you guys have told me. I suppose I'm just cooped up at home all the time though and subject to so much yelling and stuff, so it didn't feel too 'bad' in comparison to that... probably just because I made sure not to let him have his way though.

I know it sounds so ironic but... my ED actually saved my life yesterday. lololololol.

why, you may ask??

the main reason why I kept refusing the drinks wasn't because I was 'scared of getting wasted' or because I hated the taste - I'm the type to succumb to pressure, as you know. I find it hard to say 'no' to anything. As demonstrated when he kept asking if I found him attractive - no, even in the physical sense I don't find myself romantically attracted to him in any way (my 'type' is the .... skinny asian guy with fringe.. XD though of course, that's only talking physical attraction! which isn't even the most important thing for why I would 'like' someone..) - I couldn't even say 'no' outright.

But .... more than my 'pressure to be polite and nice'.... the urge to restrict calories, won over. No, I will not let anyone put calories in me!! no no no no no!!! no calories!! no calories!! no calories!! this shit probably has tons!! no no no no no!!

and. that's why I refused. he tried to tug at me before leaving the first bar, to take another tequila shot - but I was determined as fuck, that I was NOT going to let someone put an additional 100 calories in me!!! So I pulled myself away and said no.

At work, he can't do anything though - so if we could just continue being 'conversational' at work just like last Wednesday, that would be good. he did say himself too, that he was working hard to be a 'good boy' at work, to keep his private and work self separate - and so... I'll just be friends with his 'work self.'

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Posted 04 December 2021 - 08:42 AM

i will say that based off of what you said he was like he sounded drunk off his ass and that the number of drinks you said he had would hit differently if he chugged them all at once versus if he spaced them out. certainly still binge drinking for the record but red bull is just an energy drink lmao, he had about as much as he tried to push onto you

and yeah alcohol is a drug, it's just one that's more normalized/accepted societally. with that said drinking the occasional beer or glass of wine hasn't ever hurt anyone

also in my experience with alcoholics who have built up insane tolerances they're actually really bad at telling when they are drunk versus when they aren't. alcohol and alcoholism (as well as addiction in general) is something that's surrounded me all my life and people who say they chugged a bottle of liquor and aren't feeling something semi-regularly go blackout or wind up going through all but 1-2 stages away from a fatal overdose. i've known someone who could drink more than one long island iced tea and he was always way more plastered than he realized 😬

but yeah, stay away from this guy. alcohol is a depressant and lowers inhibitions but it doesn't make anyone do things that weren't in the back of their mind. he's a creep

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Posted 04 December 2021 - 08:57 AM

also i know this has been beat to death already but i just want to say that the drink he bought for you is a glass full of liquor with some coke. like… he handed you a glass of liquor with some coke in it. i know you don't like sweet things so if he was going to offer you liquor he could've offered like, a gin and tonic or something :/ hell, there are drinks that make tequila taste good. the burn behind tequila shots are ROUGH unless you're used to it and i'm not surprised that slamming it instead of sipping it like the drink hit you hard - wish i could be shocked that he tried to push you to do another

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Posted 04 December 2021 - 09:02 AM

sorry to sound like a broken record but if any of you could help share my etsy link (and maybe support) that would be really appreciated... (afdjsljk I really do want to buy some stuff for myself to cheer myself up this month with the fucking travel ban)

Spoiler

So today... was really unproductive again. *sighs* I just.. didn’t know what to do with my time? That’s the feeling I’m getting a lot these days. I just don’t know what to do... I feel so so so useless? Just kind of doing nothing, and I sort of want to give myself a break from crochet sometimes... but then when I try to do so, aka when I try to study Japanese or read some of my book - I can’t concentrate. At all. I try to go on art websites and uni websites and try research about things I could talk about for the upcoming interview next weekend, but ... ever since the travel ban was re-introduced, I feel like that “spark” within me .. has died, once again. First time was after the announcement of the “phased re entry of international students” - aka this really really shitty slow plan which I wasn’t even ON (but judging by the pace, I would probably be able to enter by March at the earliest on my ... current school’s visa). Second time, was after the worst news ever - that all foreigners are now banned from japan - and I just feel so so so hopeless all over again. I try to fool myself into believing that maybe this will last just a month, because after all it was stated by the government that these are “temporary emergency measures” for until more info gets released about omicron - but with the Japanese governments past record, it’s hard for ANYBODY to believe it anymore. I’m so so scared that this will end up lasting another whole year, just like in 2020 spring...

The Japanese media is shit. Not all of it, but a lot of it is. They keep exaggerating the “highly transmissible” nature of omicron, not really emphasising that the symptoms are really mild and that nobody has ever even died from it yet...

and so people get paranoid and then start supporting the border restrictions again. I think a large majority wouldn’t really give a shit if not a single foreigner enters their country again.

Crises really do reveal the worst in people. <<

You might be wondering - if I feel so hurt and anguished by the travel ban and people’s reactions to it - then why have I not given up yet?? Why do I still keep deluding myself into thinking that maybe someday soon the borders will open and I’ll be able to go.... ><

But I just.. as much as I hate the government, I can’t bring myself to hate japan in itself... despite all the racism I which I know exists...

it sounds delusional for me to be so attached to a country which doesn’t even seem to want me, but I can’t help it. I really just... can’t. I really just love japan to much, and can’t bring myself to give up. Just that.. I don’t know how long I’m going to last here.

This morning I kind of had a bad time, and ended up screaming to myself in frustration and anger for a long long time and that wasted a good half hour or something.

What happened, you may ask? I think it’s pretty easy to guess now.... it's something I knew which would happen, but it doesn't mean that I don't feel angered by it.

Yeah.... I was forced to get on the scale today. usually when my dad does it, he shoves it in my face first thing in the morning, without saying 'good morning' or whatever. But today he started off with actually acting 'cheerful,' probably to trick me into thinking that he wasn't going to do it... but he did.

Thank God I had already put some weights in my clothes beforehand... I had around 600 grams in my bra and 500 grams in my underwear. plus, a fleece jacket on.

came out as .... 40.7 though. which is already a lot for me, but obviously, not enough for him.

when he forced me to get on the scale, he was doing it with this really really irritating smile on his face, as if he wasn't subjecting me to utter humiliation, making me feel this incredible loss of dignity as an 18, nearly 19 year old - and then as soon as he saw the number, his expression changed.

"40.7," he said.

I said nothing.

"it says 40.7, RIGHT????"

"yeah, what do you THINK?" I snapped back.

"Even wearing all those clothes, you're still 40.7," he said.

"Whatever," I spat.

"You've gotten lighter."

"I HAVEN'T," I snapped back angrily.

I know I .... have, though.

must have been the exercise back in September and October... the 'delayed reaction.'

I exercised a ton then and ate less on average, and my weight didn't go down then. to those who said 'water retention'.... yeah , you guys were probably right. That's probably what happened.

Didn't expect it to take this long... but it happened!!

though I now know I have to tread really, really, carefully. always make sure I have weights on me, when my dad is at home. always make sure in the morning, I drink enough water before my dad wakes up. it's so so so tiring to even think about this, and I know there's a limit to how much I can put into my clothes on a regular basis - it's different to hospital weigh ins, where I knew the exact date and everything, and it was just a one off thing, so I could prepare my clothes as thoroughly as I wanted, drink as much water as I possibly could - but with these ambushes at home, there's no way that I can know anything at all. *sighs*

it just made me feel so so so so so angry though.

I'm going to be fucking 19 at the end of this month.

And they STILL think they have the right to force me into a scale?? they STILL think they have the right to humiliate me and invade my privacy like this? yeah.. over the past few months, I have to admit that my relationship with my dad in particular, has gotten worse. but now I'm wondering whether or not this was 'arranged' between them.... like my mom maybe said, "I'm sick of being the bad guy, why don't you take your turn" and my dad probably said "okay sure." And then... yeah. I don't know though. it feels so so so humiliating and infuriating. Being so old and STILL having to deal with this.

just.. just over a week to go until the psych appointment. I can do this I can do this I can do this. I have to at least live until then. My psychologist has actually suggested to me, that it might be best for my parents to just agree to 'give up' on my body, because at present, there's literally zero will within me, to 'recover' - and that all the forcing and spying, was just making everybody unhappy, so why not just 'give up' and accept reality. Though she did also say it depended on them, and what she was worried about, was me no longer getting financial support... and she does have a point. That's the only reason why I'm still complying with all of this, tbh (at least on the surface). Of course deep down I'm cursing and trying to rebel in every way possible.

But - yeah. I was really really mad, and for the next hour I didn't accompilish anything at all because I was busy stomping my feet in an angry rage and screaming to myself through gritted teeth at how humiliated I felt.

My dad didn't actually grill me about it again today - unlike that previous time when my mom was still in quarantine... I suppose his mood right now is 'better' on average now, with his wife back. But of course he will remember. I can't hope for him to just 'put it aside and forget.'

I was worried that my mom might be in a bad mood afterwards because of it too, but she didn't seem to react to it? Idk...

anyways though - to summarise today

it was cold.

which sucked.

I didn't exercise (didn't get any chances), but food actually ended up being okay on average, I got relatively good calorie luck today, and I'm starting to actually bother using mascara and my eyelash curler again, after having put it aside for a long time because depression. I'm still depressed of course... but ... seeing the lower scale number, numbs it.

(just, being forced onto a scale in front of my parents, ruins my mood in turn, so...).

I went out a bit with my parents. tbh it wasn't to any 'new' places and I'm still awfully apprehensive about money. my mom sort of 'pressured' me into buying a new hat though, saying that my old one was 'all old and tattered and ugly" and that I should buy a new one - so I mentally waved goodbye to new shoes and a dress this month. :'(

I can't say I had a 'great' time, because productivity guilt - but at least... nothing really bad happened, apart from this morning. my body image was actually relatively good and when I looked into the mirror, I didn't 'like' what I saw - but I didn't hate myself as much, either. And it's not even just about my body, I find that I didn't hate my face as much as I usually do, too..... which is strange.

Not complaining, though.

Just, a lower weight and lower calories and knowing that I'll have at least two lunch skipping days next week, makes me feel better internally. even with the Japan travel ban still causing me depression.

and also, having blocked my mom on IG, my mom not yelling at me (just yet), also helps.

anyways though, moving on.

rest of the outfit photo set from the other day at Rojita~~

not sure when I'll get to go again, probably not this week though... hopefully sometime the week after? It really sucks how the only place which sells those clothes, is so so so far away - and that I'm tight on money because I need to save up for emergencies in future.

I really really do like that top though... I so wish I was able to afford it. Turning 18 sucked bad for me..... I suppose the only perk, was being legally able to get a part time job - but otherwise, nothing besides having to pay for all transport and clothes and books and shoes and everything now... I just want to treat myself to something sometimes but it's hard when I earn such a limited amount every month ://

anyways

this morning I woke up.... pretty early. considering how tired I was last night. but I woke up early anyways, couldn't fall back asleep because it was cold, so I stood up and worked on my crochet necklace. I know it looked almost finished yesterday, but the 'final touches' took at least 2 hours because of all the adjustments. I actually added some leaves, had to add some wire at the back, adjust the positioning of the flowers so it wouldn't look as 'cluttered,' and then do all the beadwork (took ages and ages), then gluing and thread trimming - so yup, by around 9 am, I was already really tired. but still not to the point where I would actually want to fall back asleep.

continued trimming my crochet necklace after brushing my teeth, and then weighed myself.

no new record, but just going back to this nujmber made me feel surprised and happy. I suppose even after the alcohol last night, WITH the milk and shit, I still ended up .... not eating over my TDEE?And probably a lot of lost food weight from not actually eating any food at dinner (in comparison to usual). so my weight went down, and I was really really really glad. the sun was shining brightly, literally and metaphorically.

and then the dad incident happened and the shining sun disappeared. just metaphorically this time though.

I stayed angry for a long time and wasn't able to do anything. ><

and then, breakfast.

It was much much later than usual - at nearly 11 am.

two and a half slices of sourdough bread with jam and butter

ew ew ew I hate butter

It's so so so gross.... I hate how my mom always insists on putting it on. sugary shit is enough, why OILY and sugary?? whyyy??? *sighs* I don't understand how people can even like that combination... but same way I suppose, that my parents don't get why I don't like my sauce mixing with my rice...

At least, the portion size didn't end up being too large though. Because I didn't eat the crusts and that must have saved a ton of calories. my dad got mad at me about it and said, "I'll eat the crusts for you, so you take an extra piece."

"No, thanks," I snapped. I quickly drank up all the almond milk and left the table.

I was still mad, after all.

though breakfast calorie wise, didn't end up being as bad as I had feared - so I was glad about that.

And I actually did... force myself to sit down a lot today. I suppose I just didn't want my parents to see me 'standing' all the time in my room.... so far I haven't been called out on it yet, but with my dad's alert radar up again (and probably my mom's too, she just isn't saying anything yet because they've probably made some agreement to 'swap roles' or whatever....), I have to play it safe. When typing on my laptop, standing is completely fine - but when writing, it's difficult, because I don't have a surface which is high enough (on my laptop, I can position it on pretty much anything, so....).

anyways, I completed the crochet necklace!!

it was a huge huge huge hassle, doing all the beads and shit - and there were so many loose threads that no matter how many I cut, there still seemed to be some. And the composition wasn't that good I know, the construction/shape was the worst part of the process and I spent a long time taking photos trying to make it look better - but in the end I sort of gave up.

at around noon then, I did try and study japanese.. but my mind was drifted. I read several pages of my book. searched up some phrase defintiions and wrote them down, read a few more book pages, got distracted and checked the Japan travel ban news on twitter, and then looked at bouquet photos on IG, and then trying to study again but nothing really entering my mind - that's the story of how someone can waste 1.5 hours. >< I really should have just.... crocheted. Because at least that's something I don't get quite AS distracted on, since it doesn't really require any brainwork for me...

finally at around 2:20, we went out for lunch. walked around for ages trying to find a restaurant, and we stopped eventuaully at this american style seafood place.

There were a whole ton of options. Lobster, crab, shrimp, fish, etc...... though tbh, most of it seemed awful. I knew I would have no choice but to choose someting with a 'carb,' but all the pasta flavours looked horrible (either oily or creamy), and then all the bun/taco options, came with fries. I was left with rice options but I really didn't want to eat rice, because I wasn't sure what sort of sauces would be added into it.

In the end, I went with 'cod fillet with vegetables' - it had potatoes on the side, baked potatoes pieces, so I was allowed to get it. potatoes are lower calorie than pasta or rice so....

my parents ordered this 'lobster salad' and it was pretty huge. I had to have some of it. and the thousand island dressing was absolutely disgusting. Ughh. There were bits of egg, avocado, and tomato inside (besides the main ingredient lettuce). I had some lobster and it actually tasted rather good though. really fresh, and no oily/fatty taste at all ^^

and then my own main dish took ages and ages to come. I saw that my dad's 'lobster rice bowl' didn't actually seem very oily at all - it was all poached/boiled and my dad complained about how bland and dry it was, and I was starting to wish that I had ordered that, instead. After a long long time, my own dish came - and I was pretty horrified, because the fish ended up being REALLYYYY huge in size, much more than the photo suggested. >< And to my disgust, it was fucking QUINOA and not potatoes??? I asked the server, "Wasn't it supposed to come with vegetables?" He looked at me puzzledly and I repeated myself, "The menu said it came with vegetables."

he hesitated for a second and said, "okay, I'll bring some vegetables over."

That's not the point!! "I didn't order this,' I said, pointing to the quinoa on my plate.

"We'll... you can have that for free!" he said. "We can bring the vegetables over-" And he must have seen the horror on my face, because he said, "well, we can change it if you want..."

My mom frowned. "shouldn't you just leave it?"

But the fish is HUGE!! no way I'm having quinoa/rice on top of that!

"We can change it, if you don't want it," said the waiter.

"sure, that would be good, thank you," I said quickly, handing over the plate.

another 5 minute wait.

And this time it came back correct. Though.... STILL bigger than what the photo suggested. Ugh.

yeah, definitely an 'American style' restaurant... not to be offensive, but I've heard that US portion sizes in restaurants are really big in general....

the cod was really huge. *sighs*

but at least.... it's not too high in calorie? It was grilled, so not too much oil came out (since it was cooked without skin too~~!! unlike most restaurants). And the sauce was on the side so I didn't touch it. And the vegetables were boiled.

Though still... that size though. definitely a good 8 ounces at least.... it was probably at least twice the size of the 4 ounce salmon fillets I've had at home. Though at least I didn't have to eat any rice today. And I actually got away with eating just over half of the potatoes. I was genuinely very full anyways, and even my parents could see how large the portion was.

At least, minimal carbs~~

We then walked around random stores, though I coudl tell that neither of my parents were really 'into' it either, but I didn't want to go home. Because being home makes me think about the travel ban and exercise more....

Random dollar store, furniture store, and then I went around two malls, and then saw this nice looking grey hat, and I kind of wanted it but wasn't plannign to actually buy it, but then my mom sort of pressured me - I suppose, because we had walked around for a good while and I hadn't bought anything... and so I succcumbed to the pressure and bought it ,even though it made my heart hurt. It was grey in colour... so I suppose it'll match some of my grey/black/blue skirts? Though it definitely isn't as versatile as my beige/brown ones....

it was around 20 USD.... *sighs*

anyways though, we then walked around uniqlo, and then went home. it was just past 6 pm when we arrived home and my parents were somehow really tired and slept in the living room for a bit? I don't see how they can be 'tired' from just that tinyyyy bit of walking (and they wake up so late as well....), but I suppose they aren't ... me. ^^; when I was exercising for average around 70 minutes per day for ages and waking up early and sleeping late...

I tried studying some more japanese but nothing stuck in my mind, and I ended up just wasting time.

Then after showering, I went out for dinner with my parents again - and thankfully they weren't actually that hungry (we only finished lunch at 4.... so we didn't even walk around for 2 hours. which is why I don't get how they can be 'tired' but... whatever), so my mom said that she wanted to get a bowl of 'fish ball noodles' - aka a safe food of mine - and I was more than happy to come along. it was getting late then (restaurants are forced to close early now, ever since covid happened), and it took a while to find a place which was still open. But we did, and I ordered fish ball noodles in soup ^^

it tasted really good! I really love white fish balls because they're low calorie. 'fish cake', aka the 'fried fish slices'.... not so much, but they're still under 150 cals/100g, so they're fine, too. The noodle portion was also really small, compared to not just home portions, but also other restaurants. so I was pretty happy about that, too. food overall went pretty smoothly.

I'm just sort of alarmed at how it's so difficult for me to actually 'plan' my activities and try to do something productive.. I guess I should really just crochet, if I can't do anyting else - because at least with crochet, I actually do end up... producing something.

I just wish the travel ban would be lifted right now. or at least, that I could get the guarantee that it will be lifted FOR ME, by the time school starts in April. I wish I could gave the guarantee that I would be able to enter, so I would actually have the incentive to prepare for my interviews.... but I .... can't. I prepared so much back in September and early October, but my piles and piles of notes are like... in shreds now.

I guess though, with my weight going down on average - I'm able to remain kind of 'calmer' in comparison to maybe .... 3 or so weeks ago. I just wish my parents would give up on my body once and for all, so I would be able to have that last bout of stress taken away from me... I'm already miserable enough with the travel ban, so just let me have my body, please please please please please....

ending today on 1140 calories btw!! I really hope I haven't underestimated as this seems really low, but I'm really really glad about this, praying that it leads to a good scale reading tomorrow. I know that food tomorrow will always be worse, but hopefully, things don't end up being too bad - and that with the other lower calorie days coming up (I really hope it's that way at least, please don't let my mom go back to doing the brunch thing before restsuarant shifts...), should compensate for any shitty meals coming my way.

really hoping that things with food, weight, parents' moods, church bathroom photos, etc, go fine tomorrow.... I'll be updating with more thoughts about the guy from Friday tomorrow and will start going through individual replies on here to address any specific things people brought up, so ... stay tuned, I guess.

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diagnosed with anorexia nervosa restrictive type July 2017

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stats

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LW: 77-78 lbs/35 kg (bmi 13.8)

CW: higher than LW bc fuck forced treatment

Height: 160 cm/5'3

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#7453 Coucourou

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Posted 04 December 2021 - 08:07 PM

I went to the Comiccon today and I thought about you. Are those jellies the same brand that you buy?

I'm happy to see that you stayed safe. It was scary to see all the alcohol he tried to make you drink.

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#7454 TraumatisedUnicorn

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Posted 04 December 2021 - 09:14 PM

It's funny that you say that your ED saved you, honestly I feel the same about mine in a lot of ways. For example a guy I used to know put drugs into some chocolate brownies and was trying to pressure me to eat them, I refused coz I didn't know how many calories were in them as he'd made them himself and I found out later that they were drugged. Silver linings I guess?

I'd say it's fine to be work friends and to talk at work, since like you said it's not like he could try anything there. But I'm definitely glad that you're leaning towards not going out with him again, there were just way too many red flags.

You say he tugged you before you left the first bar to try and get you to drink more? As in he actually grabbed you (I'm assuming by the arm) and tried to keep you there longer? That's really not okay if that's what happened. Ugh that's such an awful position to be in and I feel so uncomfortable just hearing you had to experience that.

I think it's quite normal to struggle with being unproductive when you're underweight and restricting. It really saps all your energy. And of course depression makes it so hard to do anything too. Don't beat yourself up for it, some days just existing and managing basic hygeine, managing to eat and get dressed and not completely fall apart mentally is enough. If it makes you feel any better you're a lot more productive than I ever manage to be! I'm barely able to leave my bed these days.

I'm sorry you got ambushed with a weigh in, it's honestly awful that you're in a position where you have to keep weights on you constantly "just in case." You shouldn't have to live like this. I'm glad your psychologist thinks it might be better for your parents to just give up on your body and your weight and try to coexist peacefully with you. I really hope that you'll be able to get to that point with your family some day soon. The way your parents are treating you isn't working, it's just making your mental health worse and making you rely on your ED for comfort even more. I really don't agree with the whole concept of "forced recovery" honestly

I'm really glad you got to have some fish ball noodles! I'm glad that they're safe for you and that you enjoyed them!

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Posted 05 December 2021 - 07:16 AM

berin, on 03 Dec 2021 - 3:47 PM, said:

The way this guy treated you, especially when he is well aware you don't have experience with alcohol or going out to bars, and the 'do you like me' stuff- so many red flags. It really feels like he was looking to take advantage of you, or laying some of the ground work to do so in the future.

You don't owe him anything, even if he paid for whatever. I'd really not go out again with this guy given his behavior...

hhiiiii thanks so much for responding to me the other day!! tbh it was my parents out of all people who suggested that I should... 'return the favour' by paying for him next time or something. obviously they don't know the details of what happened (and I see no reason to tell them), but ... yup. I suppose it's kind of a cultural thing around here, to 'not owe people money'? It's like that in Japan as well, and in some other asian countries I'm sure... though I didn't actually drink much so I suppose I wouldn't be obligated anyways...

I pretty much have no experience with anything, so thanks for giving me the warning. I really appreciate that you looked out for me and all. I think he was most deifnitely just trying to mess with me. He did talk about some of that stuff at work too, but at least he didn't try to 'make moves' or anything so I didn't have any qualms listening to him speak... it was still better than listening to my parents scream at me, or being around them when they're harrassing me about my weight.....

I really do have low standards for people as a result of my upbringing, just as long as someone isn't mean to me....

though don't worry, I don't think I'll go out with him again. not in such a setting, at least. thank you for giving me the warning, I really did need that.

manatee420, on 03 Dec 2021 - 3:35 PM, said:

Holy shit a long island iced tea IS NOT a drink for beginners because of how much alcohol is in it. That's scary af, he was trying to get you wasted

I actually had no clue and so he probably knew that and decided to take advantage of it.... *sighs* ughh....

I like his 'work' personality, not his .... 'real' personality. so.. "sorry but we can only be work friends lol I prefer your good boy persona more"

he truly was trying to get me drunk though, he even did say, "I like to actually worry about girls so it's fun to see them drunk but you're not even at the point where I have to worry about you!" ?????? .... *sighs*

not my type for sure

and long island is fucking DISGUSTING. the only drink I would prefer it over, is .... ensure or something. or fresubin.

NovemberChrysanthemum, on 03 Dec 2021 - 3:04 PM, said:

Some date. How pushy can you be? Nice people don't pressure others to drink if they don't want to. Anyway, you could say if i really wanted to "build up a tolerance" it won't be with you lol. I guess you mean a long Island ice tea? That's what we call them. They are made with at least 3 kinds of alcohol. I'm sorry your date wasn't that nice. If he asks you out again, suggest one of your co-workers. It would be awkward to be on a date with someone who brings their friend. Who does that?

well he didn't say it was a 'date,' he said he was 'hanging out with some high school friends' - and there was apparently supposed to be another girl but she didn't end up coming. or maybe she did, idk, only after I left? Because apparently they were 'just going to get started'...

I don't want to 'build up a tolerance' lmao my only goal was to try meet some new people, and to not be around my parents for once... why would I waste my calories like that?

(funny how that's the main concern I had though... over anything else)

I highly doubt any of my other colleagues/friends at the pizza place would be interested but if he asks again I might try.. and see how he reacts XD apparently he hasn't really 'asked out' anybody else over there but me, but .... I mean, who knows in the future. He did say 'let me know if you want to come out again' but I'm pretty sure he isn't going to invite me a second time, given how poor of company I was. whatever. I already did let him know from the start that I wasn't going to be his 'type'...

Zombi, on 03 Dec 2021 - 1:49 PM, said:

Oh my god, what a jerk.
Cocktail and a shot… tequila at that. No no no. Those are not drinks for beginners 😡!! The Long Island ice tea has at least 3 shots worth of alcohol, and tequila is just… bad.

It’s good that you didn’t let him coerce you, and you got out of there as soon as you could.

I’m sorry your night wasn’t that great, I promise not all drinks are disgusting! Sadly though, alcohol calories suck. 55 for a vodka with diet soda.

I find that I need to be in the right mood for going out drinking; I either get pissed off and want to go home after one, or I can drink all night and feel great. My medications interact with alcohol though so I have to be careful and take breaks between drinks to see what effect it has that night.

ugh I wish I had done my research earlier, I suppose I thought I would get to choose my own drink and pay for that, so all I was concerned about was calories and prices.. nothing else. that was probably naive though. didn't think that he would be THAT pushy... I guess, tryign to live up to the 'bad boy' image, having piercings and mohawk hair and smoking and all... smh.

I was just bored as hell, and didn't want to be in a situation where people would push calories on me - that's pretty much.... all I could think of it as? calories. I saw the glasses of calories and was just like no no no no no.

Though in the end, that did end up saving my life too..... ^^;

I've never really 'had' any alcohol properly before that, but I guess I would prefer wine or something? I've tried a sip or two and whilst I don't 'like' it, it's certainly less vile than the stuff I tried on Friday.... though .... liquid calories are just not my thing in general. if I had to consume the same amount of cals I would rather chew them.

(and there goes my ED brain going on and on... sorry ^^')

Coucourou, on 04 Dec 2021 - 8:07 PM, said:

I went to the Comiccon today and I thought about you. Are those jellies the same brand that you buy?

I'm happy to see that you stayed safe. It was scary to see all the alcohol he tried to make you drink.

ahh you had comicon where you're at?? how was it?? I really do like going to anime cons and stuff but I never end up really buying much because my wallet ;;;;; also, the horrible queues.... I'm pretty sure the friend who went with me last time will have a lot to say about that XD (I wonder if you're still reading??) fyi it was someone on this website... pretty much the best outing I had in my life. I wish I could see her irl again.

and to answer your question though - the packet with the purple grapes on it is the brand I get! Orihiro, right?

only that I only get the zero calorie type lol.... even 47 isn't 'worth' it for me. the 0 cal ones do cost an extra cent or so more though. ^^; And they have less flavours. Just grape, peach, and apple. Apple is rarer though...

tbh I really didn't know how 'much' was 'much'... until people on here started bursting out in the comments and I was kind of shocked.. like...... o_O

if I didn't have such a fear of calories I think I would have succumbed and gotten into trouble....

TraumatisedUnicorn, on 04 Dec 2021 - 9:14 PM, said:

It's funny that you say that your ED saved you, honestly I feel the same about mine in a lot of ways. For example a guy I used to know put drugs into some chocolate brownies and was trying to pressure me to eat them, I refused coz I didn't know how many calories were in them as he'd made them himself and I found out later that they were drugged. Silver linings I guess?

I'd say it's fine to be work friends and to talk at work, since like you said it's not like he could try anything there. But I'm definitely glad that you're leaning towards not going out with him again, there were just way too many red flags.

You say he tugged you before you left the first bar to try and get you to drink more? As in he actually grabbed you (I'm assuming by the arm) and tried to keep you there longer? That's really not okay if that's what happened. Ugh that's such an awful position to be in and I feel so uncomfortable just hearing you had to experience that.

I think it's quite normal to struggle with being unproductive when you're underweight and restricting. It really saps all your energy. And of course depression makes it so hard to do anything too. Don't beat yourself up for it, some days just existing and managing basic hygeine, managing to eat and get dressed and not completely fall apart mentally is enough. If it makes you feel any better you're a lot more productive than I ever manage to be! I'm barely able to leave my bed these days.

I'm sorry you got ambushed with a weigh in, it's honestly awful that you're in a position where you have to keep weights on you constantly "just in case." You shouldn't have to live like this. I'm glad your psychologist thinks it might be better for your parents to just give up on your body and your weight and try to coexist peacefully with you. I really hope that you'll be able to get to that point with your family some day soon. The way your parents are treating you isn't working, it's just making your mental health worse and making you rely on your ED for comfort even more. I really don't agree with the whole concept of "forced recovery" honestly

I'm really glad you got to have some fish ball noodles! I'm glad that they're safe for you and that you enjoyed them!

ah first of all - thank you so so so much for ordering the other day!! I'll message on a bit more on Etsy in a bit for some more further questions about your order, but I really do appreciate that you bought some stuff from my store, it means a whole whole lot. thank you for always taking so much time to write such detailed responses on my thread as well - it must take a while, and so I'm really appreciative!!

drugs in chocolate brownies though? damn... the world is so much more.... 'sinister' than I imagined. I've always known that there are tons of things/people which are fucked up in our society, but to think it would be that 'explicit'.... how did you find out they were poisoned? and what type of drug was it? was it something to make you unconscious so he could mess with you or something? either way that sounds so so so scary and disugsting at the same time....

though yeah haha I'm glad someone can relate with me on the ED thing!! nobody can force me to intake anything because I don't want to consume any calories at all.... even if I did have zero clue about alcohol, even if I'm naturally timid and can't really speak my mind in general - the bottom line is, NOBODY can force me to intake any calories. NOBODY.... except for my parents I guess, and that's why I have so much hatred towards them. But otherwise - nobody is going to force calories down me, I would never let them.

and yeah - he did try to grab me by the arm. I pulled away though. All I could think was 'calories calories calories NO NO NO NO NO' ...

But... because I've been subject to being slapped and groped by my mom at home, it didn't feel like...the end of the world or anything to me. tbh I would rather that, than be subject to what my mom often did.... (feeling my bones, forcing me to lift up my clothes so she could gasp at my body and shit on me about it and 'feel' me up...) I have such low expectations for human beings now, thanks to my upbringing...

Actually, I don't consider myself 'restricting' at all - I've been more fortuante with food for the past 2-3 months or so but that's really just because of my food throwing behaviours whilst my mom was gone. prior to that ... I was averaging around 1.7k calories per day and that doesn't count as 'restricting' to me..... it's been so difficult to even MAINTAIN my weight on that intake, just not gaining is hard..

and I don't actually 'feel' underweight ... though I know I am. ^^; Honestly speaking, I don't ever feel even the slightest bit like I 'deserve' the label of "AN" or anything, until my weight drops into the 30 kg range at least, when I see the '4' number it makes me feel like a fake. *sighs* my goal is somewhere around 30.... the lack of productivity is really attributed to the travel ban depression, I think... just.. not having a date or purpose or any sort of clarity and being forced to live here for who knows how much longer, whilst everyone else I know, has moved on. definitely.. very depressing.

I really do hope that the psych appointment next week sort of brings something good for me. I wish my parents would just see that this is useless, the attempts at force recovery through threats... even if they still refuse to acknowledge their own role in the onset (and deterioration...) of my ED, at least I wish they would give up and just 'let go' of the food issues and things. It would make things easier for them, too....

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diagnosed with anorexia nervosa restrictive type July 2017

currently in forced recovery

stats

SW: 124 lbs/56.2 kg...... maybe more because I didn't dare to weigh for a while =w= (BMI 22+)

LW: 77-78 lbs/35 kg (bmi 13.8)

CW: higher than LW bc fuck forced treatment

Height: 160 cm/5'3

inpatient rant thread: https://www.myproana...view=getnewpost

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#7456 IdealisticDisaster

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Posted 05 December 2021 - 07:30 AM

People looking to take advantage of you will often look for signs that you have low expectations for their behaviour and so will not resist when they push boundaries. Have you ever wondered why people with bad upbringings are more likely to be victims of abuse later on in life? :\

What you said about your mum "groping" you is not okay, and I know you can't do much about it now, but I wanna say that you should absolutely not tolerate that bullshit from anyone you meet in the future.

Just commenting because I've made the mistake of accepting violations in other relationships outside of my parents, just because I didn't realise that I could have done anything about it.

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#7457 TPWLMST

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Posted 05 December 2021 - 07:57 AM

mayuu~, on 05 Dec 2021 - 07:16 AM, said:

drugs in chocolate brownies though? damn... the world is so much more.... 'sinister' than I imagined

edibles or baked goods (normally made with cannabis infused butter) are actually a fairly normal way to consume weed lol. not that it's alright to give someone an edible without them knowing but weed brownies are not inherently a sketchy or out there thing, that's the standard form they come in tbh

also seconding what was said above about how your mom shouldn't be feeling you up

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#7458 TPWLMST

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Posted 05 December 2021 - 08:07 AM

also about the whole your parents suggesting you pay the guy back and cultural expectations: i understand that's difficult to navigate (i'm personally super white but some of my closer friends are second and first gen chinese, thai, korean, bangladeshi, and vietnamese immigrants and our families are actually pretty similar on a lot of fronts) but as far as i'm concerned he didn't have good intentions, you don't owe him anything. if you feel obligated to 'pay him back' i would do it by offering to bring him lunch into work. keep things strictly professional and make it clear that boundary is there

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Posted 05 December 2021 - 08:50 AM

so today was unproductive again-

*sighs*

I mean, at least I did sort of manage to get a little bit done, in terms of crochet... though I was trying out something new today, and it didn't really go as smoothly as I had anticipated. so.. yeah. someone wanted me to try making a bracelet to go with the necklaces they ordered, so that's what I was trying to do today. And well... it was so so so frustrating ;; I'm so used to using wires to do 'hard' stuff, that doing 'soft' stuff with my flowers is difficult for me... I suppose I really shouldn't have tried to attach a leather strap on the back and should have just sewn the flowers together? but then it wouldn't look as nice.. and then now the back of the bracelet is really prickly with superglue and I really just want to cover it up with cloth, but then that would make the bracelet awfully 'thick' and I'm not sure that's what they would want-

ughhhhhhhh

but.. whatever, I suppose everyone does have a first time with everything. it was like that with me when I made necklaces for the first time. and when I attempted hairclips/haircombs for the first time. It takes experimentation, after all. just that after I worked so hard on it, I really do hope that today's item is at least at... 'sellable level' when I do finish. hopefully that'll be tomorrow morning. really don't want to see that bracelet again haha. I want to move on.

intake was pretty bad, tbh. Donburi place for lunch, and that added a lot of calories. with the knowledge of lunch skipping tomorrow though, I think I'll be fine.

my weight went down again, to my surprise! since I was sort of a bit bloated this morning, but knowing that I didn't actually intake many calories yesterday.... I didn't feel too bad. and getting that scale surprise was really nice!!

I'll insert it in a second.

but basically. my body image was really good today.

as good as it can get right now, at least. because after all as you know... I'm probably not going to be able to get to my UGW anytime soon.

but I broke another record!!! (for the past 3 years at least)

apart from food and stuff, I suppose most things went... okay.

except for this one thing which really ruined a lot.

I ended up crying a lot in the shower this evening.. and right now I've temporarily 'calmed down' but that's not because I feel 'better' about it, or that I've 'accepted' it.

just more like ... i've ..... surrendered. emotionally. I've been played around with for so long, that I feel too tired to even scream or anything. My mind just launched straight into 'planning' mode.....

planning for what I do before I die.

I guess you can maybe see what's coming now.

Today, news came out.... that the Japanese government is planning to enforce a law to prohibit the entry of any foreigners into the country, for the MEDIUM TO LONG TERM.

now read that again.

READ. THAT. AGAIN.

I can't fucking believe it. Pretty much the worst worst worst thing is .... going to happen. That Japan is going to close forever. I know they said 'medium to long term' and it certainly means 'forever' to me....

under the excuse of fucking omicron.

even though it's so fucking contradictory to what they said the other day?? That the reinforced entry ban measures, was just a 'temporary emergency measure to be held in place for one month for the time being'???

But... yeah.

for the past year, it's really felt like Japan - well, the japanese government - has been trying to keep foreigners out. trying to become north korea, essentially. foreigners are bad. foreigners bring in the virus. foreigners ARE the virus. treating international students like garbage...

I wish I could be angry enough, I wish I could be angry enough to say this is enough, I'm done with this country, I'm done with Japan, I hate Japan, never want to be involved with Japan again, bye bye forever - but ... I can't.

I can't help but love the country so much.

too much, I know.

my mind was a mess the whole day, thinking about studying in Korea or something, because I do like their 'style' sometimes as well - but I really don't have any deep connections with Korea like I do with Japan, and I don't know any korean, and it would take me another good couple years to learn it... but at the same time I don't exactly want to go to the US or UK or either... I can't even explain why, I suppose I've never really fit in well with 'western' environments and systems (in real life I'm talking about, internet is a different story) back at school before so....

but bottom line is - I can't give up on Japan. I just can't bring myself to do so. >< I can't, I can't, I can't....

hearing that they're planning to make it 'law' though... makes me feel so so so hopeless. and also, because over 80% of people in Japan support the border restrictions on foreigners...

I know that not every Japanese person is racist. I know that for sure.

But because the japanese media has blown up the omicron stuff, to make it sound like the world is ending - people get scared, and then they get brainwashed into thinking that foreigners are the virus itself and would do anything to keep them out.

yes, there are some news sources which do report how students are suffering because of the travel ban - but at least in Japan, there are more news outlets which repeatedly praise the border measures and there isn't much government criticism at all. The 'opposition' party the other day, were who actually PROPOSED that the government ban foreign RESIDENTS from re-entering the country....

they call it the 'opposition' party..... but they certainly do have one very very big common point. Fucking racism.

And they use it to manipulate.

Even many of my IG followers are in favour of the travel ban actually, so...

I know they don't have anything against me in particular, and I still love the community on there. Just that, this travel ban really... hurts. especally to see how many people are in favour. If we had more japanese people on our side, the governemnt would reverse their decision - just as they did the other day with the ban on new flights (it was reversed in a day, because japanese people complained about not being able to return home from overseas or something).

I just... can't help but feel so so so hopeless right now.

Feels like death row. Knowing that it will happen, inevitably - just not knowing when. But knowing that it will.

I won't die yet though, don't worry. I'll wait for the execution to actually happen, first.

And I have a couple of Etsy orders waiting. I can't die before that happens. And also I need to make sure I finish making all my gifts for people. I did plan on getting them delivered for christmas, but I'm not sure I can make it in time... I'm so so sorry. >< I hope you guys don't mind me being a bit late...

I just... feel so so so hopeless.

Tired. I just feel so so so so so tired. I'll lose some more weight and then die before my parents can have the time to plan some refattening program or something. I'm so so so tired.

moving on though, I'm just going to try type my post and pretend that this news never happened first

outfit photos taken today~~

I know it isn't anything really fancy (unlike what I usually try to wear to the church bathroom mirror.... ^^') but it's become sort of 'customary' for me to take photos in this outfit every year when I go to this mirror. once in 2018, then 2019, then 2020.... wait did I even take a photo of it in 2020? I don't even remember anymore... I don't think so?? Because there were so many months where churches and places were closed thanks to covid...

but - this is my favourite coat ever so of course I have to take photos of it in my favourite mirror!!

from the brand ank rouge. I usually really really hate thick stuff, but this is one of the few exceptions. the bows and fur and the pink is just so so so cute, it cost so much, I think I got it for my... 16th birthday or something (ah, the times when I didn't have to pay for everything myself....). And it's still in perfectly good condition now. I really really will treasure that coat for the rest of the time I stay living.

first time I tried wearing a necklace over it lol, I think the outfit works with or without it though. just wanted to 'change things up a bit' from last year and the year before and the year before that...

also tried putting my hair down, because somehow for this coat in paticular, I've always put my hair down in photos, and so I just wanted to .... re-attempt that. to do my 'photo recreation' down to the fullest. XD

my hair in real life actually looks really horrible though. it's only in those certain photos that I angle it in certain ways to make it not look as bad... and then once I move my shoulders/arms an inch, everything falls apart.

anyways

this morning, I woke up really cold and shit.

I spent a ton of time crocheting nearly all the flowers I needed for the bracelet.

I was really really tired somehow even though I didn't even DO anything all yesterday....

*sighs*

my mom annoyingly, took my phone into her room last night again. I think the main reason is because she doesn't let me use a charger, so I have to use hers - and if my phone isn't fully charged by the time SHE goes to sleep, then she takes it away. If it is, then she leaves it outside (since that's where she keeps the charger during the day when she's awake. But she takes it back into her room when she sleeps).

So it was difficult for me to get my body photos... ugh. I was going to get them at around 9:20 but then she came out and asked, "why are the lights off" and turned them on again, and there was really nothing I could do about it... but I did manage to get the photos anyways. ^^;

would have been a shame if I didn't, because body image was realtively good today.

but yeah - weight here!!!

I can't can't can't believe it!! low 38s???!?!?! asfjasfjsadkjflsadfksadljflkasjfsdklfjasdl I know it's only going to be temporary but still - it makes me feel so so so surprised and happy. even though I know I'm going to have to water load my ass off, on saturday when I see psychiatrist..... ugh.

I wish I could just be free from the burden of my dad making me get on the scale..... I wish he could just.. fucking GIVE UP. Even if I still have to eat a certain amount, even if I don't get to control my food - at least just STOP MAKING ME GET ON THE SCALE, JUST GIVE UP ABOUT WHAT I WEIGH. For fuck's sake...

anyways though - breakfast this morning was... It tasted really bad but at least calorie wise it wasn't any worse than 'usual.'

yesterday when we went to that restaurant for lunch ,they gave us these complimentary savoury scone things, and none of us could finish them, so my parents took them home. And I of course, had to eat one. *sighs*

it didn't taste as buttery as it smelled, but still tasted bad. Better than a sweet scone would be.... the US version of the website said it was 160 calories so I went with that in my calculations, even though I would have calculated it myself as around 180-190 ish because it weighed around 50-55 grams...

well, at least I got the photo.

And then I went back into my room, and started preparing to go out for church.

my room was a real mess.

and then after church was over, I went into the bathroom to get my photos, but tbh I didn't really have as good of luck as last time, because there were tons of people going in and out, and then the fucking cleaner came in really early and turned on the fucking lights and I couldn't really just turn them off whilst she was cleaning - so .... being the 'nice' person I am, I just stood there in a corner outside the cubicles, folding my arms and glowering at her until she left lol.

I tried to sew some crochet flowers whilst doing so but I think I must have accidentally dropped some because I was around 3 petals short by the time I left... *sighs*

At least I got my photos. even if the process took a while. thankfully my dad himself had a ton of stuff to do after church at the parish, so I didn't get rushed or anything. I finished just on time.

and then just before leaving, one of the church women came up to me and asked if I had time to do any more crochet stuff for christmas!! I immediately said "of course!!" (because of course I have time... *sighs*.... what else do I have to do? What else am I capable of, these days? nothing. absoltuely nothing at all. ><). And she said she wanted two more brooches before christmas - which, works for me. I think? with some luck I'll finish off that annoying bracelet tomorrow morning (don't worry though - I don't mind doing it!! don't feel bad for ordering!! it's a learning experience for me too to do better next time ^^), and then I can move on with making the new necklace, which I think I'll be able to get done by next week - and then I can make the brooches. I asked her to select from my shop and to my irritation, she selected the TWO MODELS WHICH I'VE DONE TO DEATH ALREADY. ughhhhh I knew I was going to have to make something from scratch but hey at least choose something which I haven't done so many times already....

but whatever, at least I have more guaranteed sales. money money money money money.

and then it was off for lunch. at the donburi place. which I hate. My dad's mood all day was kind of... iffy. he wasn't feeling well today I know, which could have contributed... but... yeah. I really dislike spending time with him one on one now. things have really worsened ever since those two months happened.

fucking donburi place, and I got the usual. the chicken donburi. and it was thigh not breast so calories. I removed the skin. And the fatty bits. and got rid of one piece of chicken and a bite of rice, but didn't manage to get rid of much else. *sighs*

It was really huge, as you know. though knowing the lunch skipping chance tomorrow, I didn't feel as bad. I just ate. And then went on my phone a bit, before going to tuition.

the kid today was really annoying and refused to listen at all and it was so so so tiring to keep hearing "NO!! I DON'T WANT TO READ!! NO NO NO NO NO" and then I gave him a spelling test, he got 10 out of 14.... wrong. (lol) and then he started whining about that too and it was so so so annoying, I haven't taught anything new for ages, it's just going over the same stuff over and over again because he never remembers - or at least, he pretends to not remember.

it was a tiring hour and a half, all in all. And then I took the bus to the train station, and then took the train back - and then took a detour to the pizza place because I had arranged with my friend there to pick up some stuff she had helped me order off taobao a month and a half ago (the craft wires), and the stuff came really late.

she was busy doing her homework in the staff room at the time, so I quickly just thanked her, paid her, and then left.

And then walked all the way back home to save money.

It was around 4:20 by then. It unfortunately starts getting dark here by 5 ish now, so I didn't have much time to take photos of my crochet stuff.

but yeah - photo on right is from later this evening, of what the bracelet looks like at the moment. *sighs* shitty... I'll improve tomorrow though. promise.

I spent a lot of time working on it because it just kept looking shitty.

And then also going on twitter a lot, because ever since seeing the news this morning, I've been feeling so so so shit.

snack today, was a banana. thankfully not a big one. but still.

and then i went back into my room, twisted my bracelet around a bit. And then finally started trying to compile together the files I need to submit for the photography course and the photoshop course (everything is close to 'done' already, just.. that last 10% or something.... which I left for last minute because I didn't feel bothered)... but I didn't even manage to get that done. I just felt so so so done with the border stuff that I just cried for a bit.

And then, dinner.

it was the usual huge bowl of rice, with some type of exotic lettuce I'd never tried before - and it was stir fried with garlic and a ton of oil. And then some steamed fish (tiger grouper), which is good in itself (and not too big in portion, I'm glad it's 3 ppl eating it and not just 2 ....), just that it had some oil and soy sauce mix on it.

and then unpictured, I had to have a crab claw. I wanted to get a photo of that too but I didn't want to seem too 'obsessive' so I didn't...

at least ingreidnet wise though, dinner tonight wasn't actually the worst. compared to some other times last week. over dinner my mom asked when I was working next week, and I told her "tomorrow and wednesday' and my dad of course had to make his stupid unwanted comment - "TWO days/???? that's SO MUCH!!!"

is working' two days a week' for a part time job... 'too much'?? fucking idiot... ugh.

"It's not MUCH," I muttered grumpily. Nobody asked for your comments anyways... I'm pretty sure you're just trying to look for days to ambush me with the scale again. Asshole.

the border situation is just making me really on edge.

I suppose my dad really has taken over my mom's old role though.... 100 % sure they had an agreement betewen them made in the past few weeks. Maybe that was the 'plan' they were speaking of, back all those weeks ago via text? "I hope our plan works" - was that it?

1815 calories today

didn't exercise

*sighs*

But whatever... I'll be skipping lunch tomorrow. hopefully it goes well at work and stuff, and that nothing bad happens at home. If I end up living until january, I know that once the semester starts, I'll put on weight again because not being able to exercise as much (as the classes for next term probably won't be as 'chill' where I can just ignore them and exercise...) due to my mom being here, due to not being able to work (and hence not being able to skip lunch or anything)... so... best to lose some more for now. I just have to make sure it's still in the range where I can still fake it without going too far ..... I really wish I didn't have the 'ambush weigh in' threat, looming over my head all the time..

I wish I could study japanese. I wish I could bring myself to do the uni interview prepartion. But everything feels so hopeless right now, waiting for the execution.

I just wish there could be a miracle so I could be saved. pathetic as that sounds.

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diagnosed with anorexia nervosa restrictive type July 2017

currently in forced recovery

stats

SW: 124 lbs/56.2 kg...... maybe more because I didn't dare to weigh for a while =w= (BMI 22+)

LW: 77-78 lbs/35 kg (bmi 13.8)

CW: higher than LW bc fuck forced treatment

Height: 160 cm/5'3

inpatient rant thread: https://www.myproana...view=getnewpost

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#7460 TPWLMST

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Posted 05 December 2021 - 09:25 AM

did your dad call working two days a week too much... _{wish my parents followed that principle when i had a back injury that doctors told me i shouldn't try moving with instead of telling me to get a second job if i was going to cut my hours :/}

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ring the bell, sound made crystalline

ring out for the cause of all notions

april's dew becomes autumn's wine - leave everything always unbroken

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why i hate IP (pics included)

Started by mayuu~, Jul 27 2017 11:36 PM

inpatient IP hospitalization recovery relapse body pics food pics bmi 15 accountability

8791 replies to this topic

#7441 NovemberChrysanthemum

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Posted 03 December 2021 - 03:04 PM

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#7442 manatee420

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Posted 03 December 2021 - 03:35 PM

Holy shit a long island iced tea IS NOT a drink for beginners because of how much alcohol is in it. That's scary af, he was trying to get you wasted

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#7443 berin

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Posted 03 December 2021 - 03:47 PM

You don't owe him anything, even if he paid for whatever. I'd really not go out again with this guy given his behavior...

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#7444 EatingDisOrder of Nachos

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Posted 03 December 2021 - 09:52 PM

omg

I just kind of lurk this thread now and then because I'm not on mpa all that often but

I just want to add my voice to all the others here who are letting you know your coworker is creepy and a major red flag, please be careful

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SW 172.8 (bmi 29.7)

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#7445 IdealisticDisaster

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Posted 03 December 2021 - 11:43 PM

I’m just going to add to the pile of responses here - nope nope nope nope outta this situation please.

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#7446 AFoxInSocks

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Posted 04 December 2021 - 01:29 AM

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~~145 140 135 130~~ ~~125 120~~ ~~115~~ 110 105 100

HW: 235 ~ SW: 146.7 ~ CW: 114.2

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#7447 g.lina

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Posted 04 December 2021 - 03:22 AM

Yeah I second all of this.

Mayuu, that's a huge fucking red flag.

Please stay safe.

AFoxInSocks, on 04 Dec 2021 - 01:29 AM, said:

I gotta agree with everyone else here. The fact he got you a Long Island means he’s intentionally trying to get you drunk. I’ve actually had guys friends tell me to watch out for this kind of move. Please be careful around this guy.

IdealisticDisaster, on 03 Dec 2021 - 11:43 PM, said:

I’m just going to add to the pile of responses here - nope nope nope nope outta this situation please.

EatingDisOrder of Nachos, on 03 Dec 2021 - 9:52 PM, said:

omg

I just kind of lurk this thread now and then because I'm not on mpa all that often but

I just want to add my voice to all the others here who are letting you know your coworker is creepy and a major red flag, please be careful

berin, on 03 Dec 2021 - 3:47 PM, said:

The way this guy treated you, especially when he is well aware you don't have experience with alcohol or going out to bars, and the 'do you like me' stuff- so many red flags. It really feels like he was looking to take advantage of you, or laying some of the ground work to do so in the future.

You don't owe him anything, even if he paid for whatever. I'd really not go out again with this guy given his behavior...

Zombi, on 03 Dec 2021 - 1:49 PM, said:

Oh my god, what a jerk.
Cocktail and a shot… tequila at that. No no no. Those are not drinks for beginners !! The Long Island ice tea has at least 3 shots worth of alcohol, and tequila is just… bad.

It’s good that you didn’t let him coerce you, and you got out of there as soon as you could.

I’m sorry your night wasn’t that great, I promise not all drinks are disgusting! Sadly though, alcohol calories suck. 55 for a vodka with diet soda.

I find that I need to be in the right mood for going out drinking; I either get pissed off and want to go home after one, or I can drink all night and feel great. My medications interact with alcohol though so I have to be careful and take breaks between drinks to see what effect it has that night.

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158cm/CW 40.4 kg/UGW 36kg

SW: 42kg

HW: 46-47kg

LW: 38kg

GW1: 39kg

GW2: 37.5kg

UGW: 36kg

All I'll say is

Height

Bones

Grades

Math

If I can't have these what's the point of living?

No more restriction, no more ED. Just trying to live and forget about ever having an ED.

#7448 mayuu~

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Posted 04 December 2021 - 08:01 AM

TPWLMST, on 03 Dec 2021 - 10:13 AM, said:

i haven't finished reading yet but wait - he forced you to drink and then ordered a LONG ISLAND ICED TEA for you again i am twice your size and even when i had experience with binge drinking that would've gotten me wasted

the guy had THREE pure tequila shots, a red bull, two gin and tonics, a bottle of sapporo beer.... have no idea how on earth he was still feeling perfectly fine afterwards.

TPWLMST, on 03 Dec 2021 - 10:14 AM, said:

for context a long island iced tea can be anywhere from 3-5 drinks, i hope you're okay. i'll draft up a longer post (ft an explanation as to why him saying you need to build up a tolerance is bullshit + the toxicology behind tolerances under a spoiler lol) when i'm done reading

3-5??? damn what the -

yeah I'm so so so so so glad I didn't drink it. Much. I hate hate hate the taste.

TPWLMST, on 03 Dec 2021 - 10:44 AM, said:

yeah based off of how pushy he was about drinking and asking if you were attracted to him i'm glad you didn't take him up on his offer and went home early… he really pushed the equivalent of 4-6 drinks on you and said it was for lightweights :/

Spoiler

okay so to start drinking culture is very much a thing that exists and some people may pressure others into binge drinking to fit in (like this guy did) but it's perfectly fine to not be interested in it.

the thing about and general understanding of tolerances is a half truth, your body reacts to the same bac% (blood alcohol concentration %) regardless of how much 'experience' you have drinking. this is also why people who are heavier need to drink more to be impacted and drinking on an empty stomach is a bad idea.

for the former there's just more tissue so it takes more ethanol to reach the same concentration level, for the latter the ethanol is absorbed into the bloodstream quicker on an empty stomach meaning there's a sudden increase of bac% rather than one that's more gradual. the way that alcohol in ingested and absorbs into the bloodstream is why i said to give it three minutes in my earlier advice, inexperienced drinkers can and will give themselves alcohol poisoning because they think 'oh this hasn't hit yet' and slam an extra few shots or chug from the bottle

bac% will continue to increase as long as there is alcohol to be absorbed at a faster rate than the alcohol is metabolized/burned off by the liver. this is why people can pass out after chugging liquor, a bottle or two of wine, or shotgunning beer and still have their bac% increase to the point of an overdose. this is how most overdoses occur, actually

'if having the same bac% will impact someone the same how do tolerances work or build up then' so the liver uses certain enzymes to burn off alcohol right? the standard formula is that it can produce enough to burn drinks off at a rate of 1 per hour

if you are drinking regularly, especially binge drinking, the liver will start to pre-emptively make those, this process is a burden on the liver. so because more alcohol is metabolized at the beginning of drinking than for someone who doesn't have a built up tolerance this is commonly interpreted as having gotten used to existing/functioning at a certain bac% rather than that a person has to drink enough to work through those enzyme stores to achieve the same bac%

this feeds into itself by making a person have to drink more to get drunk -> liver works overtime to stockpile excess -> drink more -> liver works overtime. it's not that you get used to drinking or learn how to handle your liquor in the assumed sense, you can still chug enough fast enough to overdose or get wasted as opposed to buzzed

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diagnosed with anorexia nervosa restrictive type July 2017

currently in forced recovery

stats

SW: 124 lbs/56.2 kg...... maybe more because I didn't dare to weigh for a while =w= (BMI 22+)

LW: 77-78 lbs/35 kg (bmi 13.8)

CW: higher than LW bc fuck forced treatment

Height: 160 cm/5'3

inpatient rant thread: https://www.myproana...view=getnewpost

body pic spam: https://www.myproana...odycheck-spam/

#7449 mayuu~

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Posted 04 December 2021 - 08:11 AM

TraumatisedUnicorn, on 03 Dec 2021 - 10:51 AM, said:

I'm sorry you got pressured to drink, that sounds really uncomfortable and scary. I've been in situations like that before and I know how horrible it feels, especially when you're trying to be polite and not offend anyone but someone's being really pushy. If you do go out with your co-worker again then PLEASE be careful, based on my own experiences, people who try and pressure you to drink often want you drunk so it will be easier for them to try and sleep with you. I'm not saying that's what happened, but some alarm bells went off for me reading about your night and I would hate it if you were forced into anything you didn't want to do. You've been through enough already.

I'm sorry your mum noticed the weight in your bra, hopefully it won't be brought up again? And I'm sorry that you ended up being forced to drink the milk still. At least you were able to convince your dad about the dirt from the weight, though it's so wrong that he comes into your room without knocking and stands over your shoulder when you're cleaning and says it's not good enough.

I'm really sad that you didn't end up having a good time whilst you were out, I was really excited for you and I really wanted you to be able to have a good time. You deserved to have a great night and get to be really happy with everything you've been going through.

Necropolis, on 03 Dec 2021 - 11:01 AM, said:

Yeah okay I'm getting serious warning signs from the guy. Pushing you to drink and constantly asking you if you like him? I know you're sure he doesn't like you 'in that way'but it 100% sounds like he does.

Kudos for not folding under pressure to drink! Honestly, you did so well but please PLEASE be careful about going out with him again. Make sure you're super clear that you're only work friends and make sure it won't just be the 2 of you if you go out next time.

TPWLMST, on 03 Dec 2021 - 11:14 AM, said:

i also want to add that his friend was less pushy, yes, but that he's just as at fault for seeing what was happening and going along with it. i wouldn't go out with this guy again and am sorry your night went the way it did

i know i keep commenting but i'm appalled at the nerve of this guy. that is one of the strongest mixed drinks you can order. he probably would've told you that moonshine is called that for how light it is if he could or that something is 100 proof because it's 100% alcohol free

_{also to be clear my info comes from reading into toxicology, not personal experience. despite everything i'm actually kind of a lightweight, even when i was at my worst. people who aren't lightweights would still get fucked up on the amount pushed on you though}

thinstrument, on 03 Dec 2021 - 12:14 PM, said:

I would not go out again with this guy.

As others said - A LI iced tea is like 5 shots or something. (I love them but they are STRONGER than they taste.).

And him pressuring you to drink is NOT COOL at all. Bleck.

Zombi, on 03 Dec 2021 - 1:49 PM, said:

Oh my god, what a jerk.
Cocktail and a shot… tequila at that. No no no. Those are not drinks for beginners 😡!! The Long Island ice tea has at least 3 shots worth of alcohol, and tequila is just… bad.

It’s good that you didn’t let him coerce you, and you got out of there as soon as you could.

I’m sorry your night wasn’t that great, I promise not all drinks are disgusting! Sadly though, alcohol calories suck. 55 for a vodka with diet soda.

I find that I need to be in the right mood for going out drinking; I either get pissed off and want to go home after one, or I can drink all night and feel great. My medications interact with alcohol though so I have to be careful and take breaks between drinks to see what effect it has that night.

NovemberChrysanthemum, on 03 Dec 2021 - 3:04 PM, said:

Some date. How pushy can you be? Nice people don't pressure others to drink if they don't want to. Anyway, you could say if i really wanted to "build up a tolerance" it won't be with you lol. I guess you mean a long Island ice tea? That's what we call them. They are made with at least 3 kinds of alcohol. I'm sorry your date wasn't that nice. If he asks you out again, suggest one of your co-workers. It would be awkward to be on a date with someone who brings their friend. Who does that?

manatee420, on 03 Dec 2021 - 3:35 PM, said:

Holy shit a long island iced tea IS NOT a drink for beginners because of how much alcohol is in it. That's scary af, he was trying to get you wasted

berin, on 03 Dec 2021 - 3:47 PM, said:

The way this guy treated you, especially when he is well aware you don't have experience with alcohol or going out to bars, and the 'do you like me' stuff- so many red flags. It really feels like he was looking to take advantage of you, or laying some of the ground work to do so in the future.

You don't owe him anything, even if he paid for whatever. I'd really not go out again with this guy given his behavior...

EatingDisOrder of Nachos, on 03 Dec 2021 - 9:52 PM, said:

omg

I just kind of lurk this thread now and then because I'm not on mpa all that often but

I just want to add my voice to all the others here who are letting you know your coworker is creepy and a major red flag, please be careful

AFoxInSocks, on 04 Dec 2021 - 01:29 AM, said:

I gotta agree with everyone else here. The fact he got you a Long Island means he’s intentionally trying to get you drunk. I’ve actually had guys friends tell me to watch out for this kind of move. Please be careful around this guy.

hey~

I know it sounds so ironic but... my ED actually saved my life yesterday. lololololol.

why, you may ask??

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currently in forced recovery

stats

SW: 124 lbs/56.2 kg...... maybe more because I didn't dare to weigh for a while =w= (BMI 22+)

LW: 77-78 lbs/35 kg (bmi 13.8)

CW: higher than LW bc fuck forced treatment

Height: 160 cm/5'3

inpatient rant thread: https://www.myproana...view=getnewpost

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#7450 TPWLMST

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Posted 04 December 2021 - 08:42 AM

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ring the bell, sound made crystalline

ring out for the cause of all notions

april's dew becomes autumn's wine - leave everything always unbroken

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#7451 TPWLMST

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Posted 04 December 2021 - 08:57 AM

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ring the bell, sound made crystalline

ring out for the cause of all notions

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alex(-ander, -ei, -andria, -is, etc)

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#7452 mayuu~

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Posted 04 December 2021 - 09:02 AM

Spoiler

and so people get paranoid and then start supporting the border restrictions again. I think a large majority wouldn’t really give a shit if not a single foreigner enters their country again.

Crises really do reveal the worst in people. <<

But I just.. as much as I hate the government, I can’t bring myself to hate japan in itself... despite all the racism I which I know exists...

This morning I kind of had a bad time, and ended up screaming to myself in frustration and anger for a long long time and that wasted a good half hour or something.

What happened, you may ask? I think it’s pretty easy to guess now.... it's something I knew which would happen, but it doesn't mean that I don't feel angered by it.

Thank God I had already put some weights in my clothes beforehand... I had around 600 grams in my bra and 500 grams in my underwear. plus, a fleece jacket on.

came out as .... 40.7 though. which is already a lot for me, but obviously, not enough for him.

"40.7," he said.

I said nothing.

"it says 40.7, RIGHT????"

"yeah, what do you THINK?" I snapped back.

"Even wearing all those clothes, you're still 40.7," he said.

"Whatever," I spat.

"You've gotten lighter."

"I HAVEN'T," I snapped back angrily.

I know I .... have, though.

must have been the exercise back in September and October... the 'delayed reaction.'

I exercised a ton then and ate less on average, and my weight didn't go down then. to those who said 'water retention'.... yeah , you guys were probably right. That's probably what happened.

Didn't expect it to take this long... but it happened!!

it just made me feel so so so so so angry though.

I'm going to be fucking 19 at the end of this month.

I was worried that my mom might be in a bad mood afterwards because of it too, but she didn't seem to react to it? Idk...

anyways though - to summarise today

it was cold.

which sucked.

(just, being forced onto a scale in front of my parents, ruins my mood in turn, so...).

Not complaining, though.

and also, having blocked my mom on IG, my mom not yelling at me (just yet), also helps.

anyways though, moving on.

rest of the outfit photo set from the other day at Rojita~~

anyways

continued trimming my crochet necklace after brushing my teeth, and then weighed myself.

and then the dad incident happened and the shining sun disappeared. just metaphorically this time though.

I stayed angry for a long time and wasn't able to do anything. ><

and then, breakfast.

It was much much later than usual - at nearly 11 am.

two and a half slices of sourdough bread with jam and butter

ew ew ew I hate butter

"No, thanks," I snapped. I quickly drank up all the almond milk and left the table.

I was still mad, after all.

though breakfast calorie wise, didn't end up being as bad as I had feared - so I was glad about that.

anyways, I completed the crochet necklace!!

finally at around 2:20, we went out for lunch. walked around for ages trying to find a restaurant, and we stopped eventuaully at this american style seafood place.

In the end, I went with 'cod fillet with vegetables' - it had potatoes on the side, baked potatoes pieces, so I was allowed to get it. potatoes are lower calorie than pasta or rice so....

he hesitated for a second and said, "okay, I'll bring some vegetables over."

That's not the point!! "I didn't order this,' I said, pointing to the quinoa on my plate.

"We'll... you can have that for free!" he said. "We can bring the vegetables over-" And he must have seen the horror on my face, because he said, "well, we can change it if you want..."

My mom frowned. "shouldn't you just leave it?"

But the fish is HUGE!! no way I'm having quinoa/rice on top of that!

"We can change it, if you don't want it," said the waiter.

"sure, that would be good, thank you," I said quickly, handing over the plate.

another 5 minute wait.

And this time it came back correct. Though.... STILL bigger than what the photo suggested. Ugh.

yeah, definitely an 'American style' restaurant... not to be offensive, but I've heard that US portion sizes in restaurants are really big in general....

the cod was really huge. *sighs*

At least, minimal carbs~~

it was around 20 USD.... *sighs*

I tried studying some more japanese but nothing stuck in my mind, and I ended up just wasting time.

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diagnosed with anorexia nervosa restrictive type July 2017

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stats

SW: 124 lbs/56.2 kg...... maybe more because I didn't dare to weigh for a while =w= (BMI 22+)

LW: 77-78 lbs/35 kg (bmi 13.8)

CW: higher than LW bc fuck forced treatment

Height: 160 cm/5'3

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#7453 Coucourou

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Posted 04 December 2021 - 08:07 PM

I went to the Comiccon today and I thought about you. Are those jellies the same brand that you buy?

I'm happy to see that you stayed safe. It was scary to see all the alcohol he tried to make you drink.

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#7454 TraumatisedUnicorn

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Posted 04 December 2021 - 09:14 PM

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Posted 05 December 2021 - 07:16 AM

berin, on 03 Dec 2021 - 3:47 PM, said:

The way this guy treated you, especially when he is well aware you don't have experience with alcohol or going out to bars, and the 'do you like me' stuff- so many red flags. It really feels like he was looking to take advantage of you, or laying some of the ground work to do so in the future.

You don't owe him anything, even if he paid for whatever. I'd really not go out again with this guy given his behavior...

I really do have low standards for people as a result of my upbringing, just as long as someone isn't mean to me....

though don't worry, I don't think I'll go out with him again. not in such a setting, at least. thank you for giving me the warning, I really did need that.

manatee420, on 03 Dec 2021 - 3:35 PM, said:

Holy shit a long island iced tea IS NOT a drink for beginners because of how much alcohol is in it. That's scary af, he was trying to get you wasted

I actually had no clue and so he probably knew that and decided to take advantage of it.... *sighs* ughh....

I like his 'work' personality, not his .... 'real' personality. so.. "sorry but we can only be work friends lol I prefer your good boy persona more"

not my type for sure

and long island is fucking DISGUSTING. the only drink I would prefer it over, is .... ensure or something. or fresubin.

NovemberChrysanthemum, on 03 Dec 2021 - 3:04 PM, said:

Some date. How pushy can you be? Nice people don't pressure others to drink if they don't want to. Anyway, you could say if i really wanted to "build up a tolerance" it won't be with you lol. I guess you mean a long Island ice tea? That's what we call them. They are made with at least 3 kinds of alcohol. I'm sorry your date wasn't that nice. If he asks you out again, suggest one of your co-workers. It would be awkward to be on a date with someone who brings their friend. Who does that?

I don't want to 'build up a tolerance' lmao my only goal was to try meet some new people, and to not be around my parents for once... why would I waste my calories like that?

(funny how that's the main concern I had though... over anything else)

Zombi, on 03 Dec 2021 - 1:49 PM, said:

Oh my god, what a jerk.
Cocktail and a shot… tequila at that. No no no. Those are not drinks for beginners 😡!! The Long Island ice tea has at least 3 shots worth of alcohol, and tequila is just… bad.

It’s good that you didn’t let him coerce you, and you got out of there as soon as you could.

I’m sorry your night wasn’t that great, I promise not all drinks are disgusting! Sadly though, alcohol calories suck. 55 for a vodka with diet soda.

I find that I need to be in the right mood for going out drinking; I either get pissed off and want to go home after one, or I can drink all night and feel great. My medications interact with alcohol though so I have to be careful and take breaks between drinks to see what effect it has that night.

Though in the end, that did end up saving my life too..... ^^;

(and there goes my ED brain going on and on... sorry ^^')

Coucourou, on 04 Dec 2021 - 8:07 PM, said:

I went to the Comiccon today and I thought about you. Are those jellies the same brand that you buy?

I'm happy to see that you stayed safe. It was scary to see all the alcohol he tried to make you drink.

and to answer your question though - the packet with the purple grapes on it is the brand I get! Orihiro, right?

tbh I really didn't know how 'much' was 'much'... until people on here started bursting out in the comments and I was kind of shocked.. like...... o_O

if I didn't have such a fear of calories I think I would have succumbed and gotten into trouble....

TraumatisedUnicorn, on 04 Dec 2021 - 9:14 PM, said:

It's funny that you say that your ED saved you, honestly I feel the same about mine in a lot of ways. For example a guy I used to know put drugs into some chocolate brownies and was trying to pressure me to eat them, I refused coz I didn't know how many calories were in them as he'd made them himself and I found out later that they were drugged. Silver linings I guess?

I'd say it's fine to be work friends and to talk at work, since like you said it's not like he could try anything there. But I'm definitely glad that you're leaning towards not going out with him again, there were just way too many red flags.

You say he tugged you before you left the first bar to try and get you to drink more? As in he actually grabbed you (I'm assuming by the arm) and tried to keep you there longer? That's really not okay if that's what happened. Ugh that's such an awful position to be in and I feel so uncomfortable just hearing you had to experience that.

I think it's quite normal to struggle with being unproductive when you're underweight and restricting. It really saps all your energy. And of course depression makes it so hard to do anything too. Don't beat yourself up for it, some days just existing and managing basic hygeine, managing to eat and get dressed and not completely fall apart mentally is enough. If it makes you feel any better you're a lot more productive than I ever manage to be! I'm barely able to leave my bed these days.

I'm sorry you got ambushed with a weigh in, it's honestly awful that you're in a position where you have to keep weights on you constantly "just in case." You shouldn't have to live like this. I'm glad your psychologist thinks it might be better for your parents to just give up on your body and your weight and try to coexist peacefully with you. I really hope that you'll be able to get to that point with your family some day soon. The way your parents are treating you isn't working, it's just making your mental health worse and making you rely on your ED for comfort even more. I really don't agree with the whole concept of "forced recovery" honestly

I'm really glad you got to have some fish ball noodles! I'm glad that they're safe for you and that you enjoyed them!

and yeah - he did try to grab me by the arm. I pulled away though. All I could think was 'calories calories calories NO NO NO NO NO' ...

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diagnosed with anorexia nervosa restrictive type July 2017

currently in forced recovery

stats

SW: 124 lbs/56.2 kg...... maybe more because I didn't dare to weigh for a while =w= (BMI 22+)

LW: 77-78 lbs/35 kg (bmi 13.8)

CW: higher than LW bc fuck forced treatment

Height: 160 cm/5'3

inpatient rant thread: https://www.myproana...view=getnewpost

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#7456 IdealisticDisaster

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Posted 05 December 2021 - 07:30 AM

Just commenting because I've made the mistake of accepting violations in other relationships outside of my parents, just because I didn't realise that I could have done anything about it.

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#7457 TPWLMST

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Posted 05 December 2021 - 07:57 AM

mayuu~, on 05 Dec 2021 - 07:16 AM, said:

drugs in chocolate brownies though? damn... the world is so much more.... 'sinister' than I imagined

also seconding what was said above about how your mom shouldn't be feeling you up

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Posted 05 December 2021 - 08:07 AM

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#7459 mayuu~

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Posted 05 December 2021 - 08:50 AM

so today was unproductive again-

*sighs*

ughhhhhhhh

intake was pretty bad, tbh. Donburi place for lunch, and that added a lot of calories. with the knowledge of lunch skipping tomorrow though, I think I'll be fine.

I'll insert it in a second.

but basically. my body image was really good today.

as good as it can get right now, at least. because after all as you know... I'm probably not going to be able to get to my UGW anytime soon.

but I broke another record!!! (for the past 3 years at least)

apart from food and stuff, I suppose most things went... okay.

except for this one thing which really ruined a lot.

I ended up crying a lot in the shower this evening.. and right now I've temporarily 'calmed down' but that's not because I feel 'better' about it, or that I've 'accepted' it.

planning for what I do before I die.

I guess you can maybe see what's coming now.

Today, news came out.... that the Japanese government is planning to enforce a law to prohibit the entry of any foreigners into the country, for the MEDIUM TO LONG TERM.

now read that again.

READ. THAT. AGAIN.

under the excuse of fucking omicron.

But... yeah.

I can't help but love the country so much.

too much, I know.

but bottom line is - I can't give up on Japan. I just can't bring myself to do so. >< I can't, I can't, I can't....

hearing that they're planning to make it 'law' though... makes me feel so so so hopeless. and also, because over 80% of people in Japan support the border restrictions on foreigners...

I know that not every Japanese person is racist. I know that for sure.

they call it the 'opposition' party..... but they certainly do have one very very big common point. Fucking racism.

And they use it to manipulate.

Even many of my IG followers are in favour of the travel ban actually, so...

I just... can't help but feel so so so hopeless right now.

Feels like death row. Knowing that it will happen, inevitably - just not knowing when. But knowing that it will.

I won't die yet though, don't worry. I'll wait for the execution to actually happen, first.

I just... feel so so so hopeless.

Tired. I just feel so so so so so tired. I'll lose some more weight and then die before my parents can have the time to plan some refattening program or something. I'm so so so tired.

moving on though, I'm just going to try type my post and pretend that this news never happened first

outfit photos taken today~~

but - this is my favourite coat ever so of course I have to take photos of it in my favourite mirror!!

anyways

this morning, I woke up really cold and shit.

I spent a ton of time crocheting nearly all the flowers I needed for the bracelet.

I was really really tired somehow even though I didn't even DO anything all yesterday....

*sighs*

would have been a shame if I didn't, because body image was realtively good today.

but yeah - weight here!!!

anyways though - breakfast this morning was... It tasted really bad but at least calorie wise it wasn't any worse than 'usual.'

well, at least I got the photo.

And then I went back into my room, and started preparing to go out for church.

my room was a real mess.

I tried to sew some crochet flowers whilst doing so but I think I must have accidentally dropped some because I was around 3 petals short by the time I left... *sighs*

At least I got my photos. even if the process took a while. thankfully my dad himself had a ton of stuff to do after church at the parish, so I didn't get rushed or anything. I finished just on time.

but whatever, at least I have more guaranteed sales. money money money money money.

It was really huge, as you know. though knowing the lunch skipping chance tomorrow, I didn't feel as bad. I just ate. And then went on my phone a bit, before going to tuition.

she was busy doing her homework in the staff room at the time, so I quickly just thanked her, paid her, and then left.

And then walked all the way back home to save money.

It was around 4:20 by then. It unfortunately starts getting dark here by 5 ish now, so I didn't have much time to take photos of my crochet stuff.

but yeah - photo on right is from later this evening, of what the bracelet looks like at the moment. *sighs* shitty... I'll improve tomorrow though. promise.

I spent a lot of time working on it because it just kept looking shitty.

And then also going on twitter a lot, because ever since seeing the news this morning, I've been feeling so so so shit.

snack today, was a banana. thankfully not a big one. but still.

And then, dinner.

and then unpictured, I had to have a crab claw. I wanted to get a photo of that too but I didn't want to seem too 'obsessive' so I didn't...

is working' two days a week' for a part time job... 'too much'?? fucking idiot... ugh.

"It's not MUCH," I muttered grumpily. Nobody asked for your comments anyways... I'm pretty sure you're just trying to look for days to ambush me with the scale again. Asshole.

the border situation is just making me really on edge.

1815 calories today

didn't exercise

*sighs*

I wish I could study japanese. I wish I could bring myself to do the uni interview prepartion. But everything feels so hopeless right now, waiting for the execution.

I just wish there could be a miracle so I could be saved. pathetic as that sounds.

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diagnosed with anorexia nervosa restrictive type July 2017

currently in forced recovery

stats

SW: 124 lbs/56.2 kg...... maybe more because I didn't dare to weigh for a while =w= (BMI 22+)

LW: 77-78 lbs/35 kg (bmi 13.8)

CW: higher than LW bc fuck forced treatment

Height: 160 cm/5'3

inpatient rant thread: https://www.myproana...view=getnewpost

body pic spam: https://www.myproana...odycheck-spam/

#7460 TPWLMST

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Posted 05 December 2021 - 09:25 AM

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ring the bell, sound made crystalline

ring out for the cause of all notions

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