Skinny or Bust - A Journal of Failure
#1 
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Posted 15 January 2015 - 07:41 PM
Current weight: 33.9kg (75lbs) (BMI:11.7) (29th May 2018) - Or see most recent post
Most recent before/after pics on pg 152.
Disclaimer: I destroyed my life.
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The story so far
I thought I should edit this post because things have changed since I started it. I also wanted to give a back story to everything that happened before I had even started this thread.
My issues with food began a really long time ago but I had never realised it. I began heavily restricting my food intake around September 2013 when I was at my highest weight. What triggered this was seeing photos of myself with my friends. They looked good, I looked fat. Something had to change. I had tried to diet so many times in the past and never seemed to be able to lose much, honestly now that I look back its obvious why I didn't lose. I never stuck with anything long enough and I don't think I wanted it enough either.
I had major issues with restricting and then binging so losing weight in the beginning was pretty slow. By February, 2014 I weighed about 68kg. For almost an entire year I lost and gained between 67kg and 69kg, this was due to cycles of restricting and binging that I just could not seem to get control of.
By November, 2014 I was severely depressed for many reasons; my weight, stress about university, stressed about money and having no job, family members dying and so on. I began heavily restricting again and this time I wasn't binging. I was eating 800 calories and day with one chocolate mono day every week. After just 4 weeks of this I weighed 64kg by Christmas eve.
Christmas screwed me over massively! There was so much food, so much chocolate that I was gifted. I went on a 2 week binge eating thousands of calories. Luckily I only gained 2kg from this. During that 2 week period I started purging. After restricting and seeing so much progress the weeks before Christmas it just got too much. Suddenly purging became a habit. Prior to those 2 weeks I had only ever purged once and I didn't realise how addictive it could become.
That's basically the story before I started this thread. I began this thread with the same plan I used before Christmas, 800 a day with one chocolate mono day a week. This worked, but I was still purging and that needed to stop. So, I changed my plans, a weekly calorie limit instead of a daily limit. Doing this has changed everything!
I am so close now to my UGW. I wish so much that I could have just done this from the start, instead of always giving up and ruining my progress. I would have been done long ago, but i'm glad I have got here eventually.
Anyway, this is super long and no one probably cares much anyway! This thread starts off pretty pathetically but it gets better around page 7..and then eventually goes bad again (currently trying to regain some control!).
Thank you to anyone who reads, follows and comments, it means so much to me! I am quite bad at talking to people so please excuse me if I make a fool out of myself! 
Height: 5'7
Highest Weight: 74.0kg (163.1lbs) (BMI: 25.6) (2013)
Starting weight: 64.0kg (141.0lbs) (BMI: 22.1) (16th January 2015)
Current weight: 41.5kg (91lbs) (BMI: 14.3) (19th May 2017) - Or see most recent post
Lowest weight: CW
Goal Weight: 50kg (110lbs) (BMI: 17.3) 48kg (New goal) 47kg (New goal)
I hope to update this thread everyday. When I eventually hit some goal weights I may post pictures if i'm not too scared (i'm super shy don't hurt me 
).
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UPDATE:
9th March - Currently doing 5,600 calories a week (800 a day average). *This starts on page 7 (had a rocky start before this but now I think I found something that works for me 
)
5,600 per week: Round 1
Week 1: 5,088 / 5,600 ✓ -1.2kg
Week 2: 4,545 / 5,600 ✓ -1.2kg
Week 3: 4,876 / 5,600 ✓ - 0.4kg 
Week 4: 4,949 / 5,600 ✓ - 0.7kg
Week 5: 5,180 / 5,600 ✓ - 0.5kg (lost more but gained after b/p 
)
Week 6: 4,860 / 5,600 ✓ - 1.2kg
Week 7: 4,565 / 5,600 ✓ - 0.4kg
Week 8: Took a break from weekly calories -0.4 kg
Week 9: 4,106 / 5,600 ✓ - ? Not weighing
Week 10: Bleh, gained
New plan!
Week 11: 5,600 calories per week (no less than 600 per day) and 2,000 calories (including BMR) burned everyday. ✓
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
UPDATE! 21st August 2015
After months of being caught in a b/p cycle and gaining some weight back I think I am finally getting back on track. (Pg 29..yeah I messed up a lot!).
August:
17th - 23th: - 2.0kg ✓
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UPDATE! 22nd December 2015
Oh man, this accountability is so full of ups and downs. It has been almost a year since I started this thread and i've had to get back to my lowest weight twice. I lost about 10kg, then got stuck in a massively long b/p cycle where I managed to gain, lose, maintain...everything! I gained some weight back but now i've managed to lose it again and am back to my lowest weight.
Save yourself some time and just skip right ahead to the most recent page. There is a lot of me messing up and ruining my progress in this thread but i'll still get there in the end!
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UPDATE! 10th December 2016
Wow, I haven't updated this for a while! Once again, had to get back to my lowest weight, which I have now past (currently 52kg). Also currently full on bulimic, which is weird to think about because when I started this thread almost 2 years ago, I had just started purging. Once you learn there really isn't any going back. I have changed a lot over the course of this thread, my ED behaviours have changed dramatically along with my state of mind.
I agree with my previous update, skip to the end. Or read the whole thing if you want to kill some serious time haha but this thread is such a roller coaster ride.
Anyway, if you made it this far, thanks for reading and I hope you have a lovely day
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UPDATE! 23rd December 2016 - Reached my original goal I guess?
My original title for this thread included "74kg to 50kg", which I finally, after SO long, reached!
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#2
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Posted 15 January 2015 - 08:00 PM
DAY: 1
So it’s Friday, and that means chocolate mono day..(probably not the best day to start an accountability thread but oh well). On Fridays I can have 400g of Cadbury milk chocolate. This is probably waaaaayyy too much info, but the choc mono sort of works like a natural laxative for me since I hardly have a BM when restricting so yeah...
I usually eat all the chocolate at once and fast until the next day around lunch time.
I should probably also mention that I drink a minimum of 1.5L everyday. 
Breakfast: 400g chocolate 2,200cals
Lunch: -
Dinner: -
Snacks: -
Current weight: 64.0kg (BMI: 22.1)
I’m not really sure what my goal weight is yet, but I would like to be under 55kg’s
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#3
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Posted 16 January 2015 - 03:25 PM
DAY: 2
Today and every other day this week will be a below 800 cals day. Generally after a mono I just eat whatever, as long as its under 800 it doesn’t really matter to me. I suspect that I will probably gain weight tomorrow just because of the food…but we’ll see!
This is the plan for today (although I may need to update it if things change). Also, with the bread; I know that 2 thick slices is around 95 calories each, but I only get the thin slices so I’m not sure of the exact calories in the bread so I just say 100 a slice…
Breakfast: -
Lunch: Banana (100) + Strawberries (40) + Almond milk (40) = 180
Dinner: 2 eggs (140) + 2 slices of toast (200) = 340
Snacks: Peach (65) + 30g Muesli (130) + Almond milk (5) = 200
Total = 720
Exercise: 10 min bike ride + 30 min Bike ride
Current weight: 63.8kg (BMI: 22.1)
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Posted 16 January 2015 - 09:24 PM
I think after every day I will do some sort of journal entry type thing just saying how I think the day went or any other thoughts
So I ended the day with 720 calories...which I know is below 800 but i'm still not really happy with it. On the plus side, I really felt like binging but resisted the urge (however it is only 3:15pm...but generally I don't eat after 5pm or so).
Recently I started purging if I ate over 800. I feel so ashamed of myself because purging is the one thing I said I would never do and here I am. I keep promising myself that I won't do it again because I know that it could begin to take over my life if I continue. I guess this accountability will also be helpful for not purging again because I don't want to have to admit that here...
Anyway, overall it was a good day food wise and I did ride my bike a bit sooo yeah!
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Posted 17 January 2015 - 02:50 PM
DAY: 3
Today is not going to be a good day. A guy friend (well maybe more than that) sort of cut me out of his life and I feel so empty and broken right now. I just want to binge on everything and I don't even care
Current weight: 63.6kg (BMI: 22.0)
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Posted 17 January 2015 - 04:25 PM
lovethepain, on 17 Jan 2015 - 2:50 PM, said:
DAY: 3
Today is not going to be a good day. A guy friend (well maybe more than that) sort of cut me out of his life and I feel so empty and broken right now. I just want to binge on everything and I don't even care
Current weight: 63.6kg (BMI: 22.0)
I'm so sorry hun :/ I've had that happen to me several times and even though it doesn't seem like it, you WILL get through it! One day you won't even think about him anymore (unless you guys end up becoming friends again). It might be helpful to allow yourself just one planned binge knowing that you're going through a tough time and start fresh tomorrow.
Height: 5'4"
SW (Dec 14): 122 lbs.
CW: 106 lbs.
GW1: 103 lbs.
UGW: 95 lbs.
Accountability:http://www.myproana....-progress-pics/
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Posted 17 January 2015 - 04:48 PM
standintherainboston, on 17 Jan 2015 - 4:25 PM, said:
I'm so sorry hun :/ I've had that happen to me several times and even though it doesn't seem like it, you WILL get through it! One day you won't even think about him anymore (unless you guys end up becoming friends again). It might be helpful to allow yourself just one planned binge knowing that you're going through a tough time and start fresh tomorrow.
Thank you so much for saying that, it means a lot to me
Tomorrow will definitely be better! Hope you have a great day ^.^
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Posted 18 January 2015 - 11:11 PM
DAY: 4
Ok..so yesterday was bad…but I did manage to loose 100g amazingly! Today I went back to work and food wise, I think I did pretty well
Definitely feeling like I will gain tomorrow though just from food/water weight.
Breakfast: -
Lunch: Banana= 100
Dinner: Chicken with vegetables (280) = 280
Snacks: -
Total = 380
Exercise: -
Current weight: 63.5kg (BMI: 22.0)
#9
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Posted 19 January 2015 - 01:28 AM
Feeling pretty good right now. I have been thinking today that I should really give myself more credit for what I have achieved so far. I have lost over 10kg (>20lbs) according to the scale, not sure if I really see it though. Usually I focus on the changes that have happened in the last few days rather than focusing on the bigger picture. I have not been this weight since I was about 15 (I am now 20..soon to be 21 ) and I literally never thought I was ever going to get back here again. I think I look so much bigger than I did back then though, but that will soon change
If I lose 100g more my BMI will be 21.9...what even!? 
I still have a long way to go, but I need to stop forgetting about how far I have already come.
<3
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Posted 19 January 2015 - 10:09 PM
DAY: 5
Hhnnnggg! Why did I eat that muesli Resisting the urge to throw up right now...
I gained 200g from yesterday, was sort of expecting it though.
Breakfast: -
Lunch: Apricot (25) = 25
Dinner: Chicken with vegetables (280) = 280
Snacks: Muesli (260) + Almond milk (5) + weird fruit things (150?) = 415
Total = 720
Exercise: -
Current weight: 63.7kg (BMI: 22.1)
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Posted 20 January 2015 - 10:22 PM
DAY: 6
Had an alright day. Work really took it out of me though, thought I was going to faint a few times, but I think that had more to do with the heat/not drinking enough rather than the food. Why you so hot Australia?? D:
Breakfast: -
Lunch: Nectarine (60) = 60
Dinner: Chicken with vegetables (280) = 280
Snacks: 2 bananas (200) + Almond milk (40) = 240
Total = 580
Exercise: -
Current weight: 63.5kg (BMI: 22.0)
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Posted 21 January 2015 - 01:13 PM
DAY: 7
I finally reached a BMI of 21(.9)! I’m really confused about what I should eat today. My work was cancelled meaning I will be home alone all day. I sort of feel like I could restrict but it could turn into a binge. So I may just do a chocolate mono because I know I won’t screw that up. I’m pretty sure monos (the unhealthy ones) really aren’t good for me and once a week is probably too often but it definitely helps me stay on track during restriction days.
I will edit this post when I finally decide what to eat today 
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Decided to do a chocolate mono
Exercise: 25 min bike ride
Current weight: 63.3kg (139.5lbs) (BMI: 21.9)
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Posted 22 January 2015 - 01:02 AM
Feeling bleh. Probably should have just restricted (isn't that usually the way ) but on the plus side I got to eat heaps of chocolate and the cravings are now gone! Hopefully I will have lost a bit after today. Definitely need to drink a lot more water though!
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Posted 22 January 2015 - 07:59 PM
DAY: 8
Today I went to my cousins house and I had to stay for lunch. I had chicken and lettuce in a bread roll and felt so bad afterwards. I didn’t get home until about an hour after eating and the guilt was so bad so I tried to purge it, probably only got a few mouthfuls out. Really disapointed in myself, I lasted 8 days without purging and I break that over 290 calories…really!? I guess it was more the fact that it was unplanned, rather than what the food was or how many calories it contained.
Breakfast: -
Lunch: Chicken (100) + lettuce (15) + bread roll (175) = 290
Dinner: Chicken and vegetables (280) = 280
Snacks: 1 banana (100) + Almond milk (20) = 120
Total = 690
edit: Yeah I fucked up. Total for today is probably just under 1200 and I purged again. This is the worst accountability ever, I suck at this I literally don't even make sense. I can eat 2000+ cals of chocolate and then I throw up if I eat over a certain amount of regular food...wtf
Exercise: 30 min bike ride
Current weight: 62.9kg (138.6lbs) (BMI: 21.8)
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Posted 22 January 2015 - 10:38 PM
Looking for some positives... 
I guess I need to just forget about today. Tomorrow will be better, one slip up does not mean that I have failed.
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Posted 23 January 2015 - 01:42 PM
DAY: 9
I need to change a few things I think. For about a month before christmas I was eating 800 calories a day (sometimes a bit more) and losing around 1kg a week. I think 800 is my perfect number, I don’t feel restricted and don’t overeat. So from now on I think I need to try my best to eat 800 rather than falling too far below that. I’m not really in a rush to lose weight, so 1kg a week is fine with me.
I think I also need to stop weighing myself everyday because I am getting too obsessed with the numbers. I will now try to weigh in only once a week.
This is the plan for today:
Breakfast: -
Lunch: 2 eggs (140) = 140
Dinner: Chicken and vegetables (280) = 280
Snacks: 2 eggs (140) + 2 bananas (200) + Almond milk (40) = 240
Total = 800 660
Edit: Didn't get to 800...
Exercise: 30 min bike ride
Gained 0.4kg from yesterday…hopefully its just food and water weight
Current weight: 63.3kg (139.5lbs) (BMI: 21.9)
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#18
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Posted 24 January 2015 - 06:14 PM
DAY: 10
So, stupid me decided to do a chocolate mono again. I swear this is the last time. I can not keep doing this. I need to eat good food with actual nutrients. I know mono's (the unhealthy ones atleast) don't even work. Its food and water weight. I freaking know that but I still keep doing them...
Really feeling lost at the moment. I don't know what i'm doing anymore
440g of white and milk chocolate
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Posted 24 January 2015 - 07:52 PM
I don’t think I have been doing so well lately. So, I think this means I should change up my routine and hopefully get rid of some bad habits that I have developed.
- I will still be eating <800 calories per day.
- I will NOT be doing any more monos. Healthy monos are allowed, but no unhealthy ones ever again!
- I will NOT purge anymore. This one will be difficult for me and I might screw up a few times, but this is probably the most important rule out of all of them.
- I will be allowed to have one higher calorie day (no more than 1200) no more than once a week if I need it.
I guess this is easier said than done, but I will try my hardest
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Posted 24 January 2015 - 08:16 PM
Following! I wish you luck on your new targets!
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My Accountability Thread: Journey from 69kgs to 40kgs!
155cm | 31yo | Female
Original SW: 69kgs (05-20-2013)
SW: 58kgs (01-01-2015)
Current Weight: 44.7 kgs (08-03-2015)
LW: 44.7 kgs (08-03-2015)
GW1: 50kgs (영화 & 책) | GW2: 48kgs | GW3: 45kgs (연애 시작)
Ultimate Goal Weight: 40kgs (옷쇼핑)
❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
오빠, 만약에 내가 살 빼고 예뻐져서 오면 그때 니 대답 달라질 수도 있니?
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Posted 04 June 2015 - 07:32 PM
toothless, on 04 Jun 2015 - 7:09 PM, said:
Aw, please don't feel too bad about messing up, even if you've gained a few kgs from binging lately - remember you have still come so far! And you are still very close to your goal! Messing up is normal, sometimes you get in a funk but i'm sure you'll get out of it again, in time.
Oh and I recently experienced the same thing with the slow heart beat, I was lying in bed and I was like "is my heart even beating i cant feel it", so i measured it and it was 37 bpm. It feels kinda scary, doesnt it?? Like what are you doing heart, get moving. Idk what you're supposed to do about it
You made me feel a lot better! Thank you
Having such a low heart beat is pretty scary! I'm also not sure what your suppose to do...probably eat more I guess 
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Posted 05 June 2015 - 02:55 PM
DAY: 141 (Saturday)
Going to b/p today. I wanted to do it yesterday but my housemate just wouldn't leave. I could try to avoid doing it but I know i'll just end up doing it sooner or later anyway. I feel like i'm in a phase where if I don't b/p then I feel super anxious and stressed and can't really focus on anything but thoughts of food. I want that all to go away.
Daily total = ?
Exercise: 25 min bike ride
Calories burned this week: 9,960 / 14,000
Current weight: ~
#383
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Posted 06 June 2015 - 12:16 AM
Eh, so the b/p day was alright, but not that great. Which is a good thing! The more bad experiences I have b/p-ing the less likely I think I am to do it. I think the last time I b/p'ed before going more than a month without doing it was one of the worst experiences of my life. Right now I feel less stressed out and bingey, but I know the binge feelings can come rushing back at anytime. Tomorrow I will cook something (probably stir fry) which means it will be a restricting day. My ultimate goal is to be binge free until I go home again in 2 weeks, but I know anything can happen with me. I change my mind so often when it comes to food so i'll just see how it goes.
On a side note...maybe i'm just paranoid about these kinds of things but I seriously think my housemate has an ED. She has SO many empty food wrappers in her room like chocolate, biscuits, chips, noodles and lots of dirty dishes (not that I went in her room ). Maybe she has Bulimia or BED...or maybe shes fine and i'm just making it all up in my head I don't know .
I even thought my sister had an ED last weekend when I was home. She also has heaps of food wrappers in her room. I noticed she left the table at dinner to go to the bathroom and I was convinced she was purging, but she wasn't. I should probably stop thinking that everyone has issues with food...I guess its hard for me to understand how anyone else can cope with life without turning to controlling your food. Strange 
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Posted 06 June 2015 - 08:19 PM
DAY: 142 (Sunday)
Uhhh today is not feeling good at all! I planned on restricting and that's what i'm trying to do but I just ate so much freaking cereal! I'm already just over 1,000 calories and its only 1pm...I know i'm still at quite a calorie deficit but I feel like I have failed today anyway (plus I know i'll eat more). I was also going to cook but now I can't be bothered...
I rode my bike to the supermarket to buy vegetables for a stir fry (which i'll probably make tomorrow) and omg, the wind! Apparently it was around 30kph with gusts of 60kph, yeah never again shall I ride in such wind! I could hardly control my bike, the wind was blowing me almost off the edge of the footpath and onto the road with oncoming traffic. Riding my bike against the wind, up a hill was literally impossible. I had to get off my bike and walk up the hill...at that point I almost started crying because I just couldn't ride up that hill. I hate not being able to do things, and I feel like a massive failure at everything I do lately
I wish I could be making happy posts like I used to, but I am definitely not in the same mindset that I was before. I just feel so depressed and like I can't do anything right. I hope my brain switches back to how it was before sometime soon. From past experience I know that I go through different phases quite a lot (restrict, binge, b/p), the length they last though is always a mystery.
I know I won't be making my calories burned goal this week either..
Breakfast: Oatmeal (135) + Almond milk (10) = 145
Lunch: 2 Wholemeal English muffins (260) + 2 Eggs (140) = 400
Dinner:Roasted vegetables (165) + Gravy (30) = 195
Snacks: Cereal (480) + Almond milk (10) = 490
Daily total = 1,230 Ate more cereal..probably somewhere around 2,000 for the day now *sigh*
Exercise: 25 min bike ride
Total calories burned this week: 13,132 / 14,000
Current weight: ~
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Posted 07 June 2015 - 06:29 AM
Ok, so I have some serious motivation right now! Why is it that i'm always so motivated late at night and then I wake up and all my motivation has been lost? Well, not this time! (I hope..)
I was reading back through this accountability and I guess I was looking for trends in my eating habits that allowed me to stop b/p-ing and stick with restricting for so long. I think some of the things that helped me to get through each day and each week was;
- Eating lots of fruit: I haven't been eating much fruit lately and I need to eat more because it is so filling for such a low amount of calories. I am really missing the Spring/Summer fruits, especially nectarines and strawberries. I have to find some Autumn/winter fruit alternatives like rockmelon, mandarins, kiwi fruit etc.
- Eating a meal at dinner: I usually cook something on a Sunday and eat it at dinner for 4-5 days. I haven't been cooking much recently so there is never a set dinner that I can come home to after work and just heat up. Also if I don't cook something for the week, my main meal usually isn't as substantial and doesn't include vegetables. I need to start cooking again!
- Higher calorie day: I LOVE incorporating a higher cal day. When you have been restricting all week and you finally allow yourself to eat more, because you truly feel you have earned it, is the best feeling ever. I have been messing up so much lately that a higher calorie day isn't as special as it used to be when I was restricting, I miss that special feeling.
- Yoghurt mono's: I was pretty much doing a yoghurt mono at least once a week. I love yoghurt..perhaps more than any normal person should love yoghurt! I can almost always lose a couple of grams from a yoghurt mono and its nice when you can eat just one thing and not have to think about what else you will eat that day.
- Daily weigh in: This one can either be very motivational or very upsetting. I love daily weigh ins because they can keep me motivated, however food weight/water weight really messes with my head. Once I pluck up the courage to finally get back on the scale I will probably go back to daily weigh ins.
- Eggs!: I must eat more eggs. Eggs are probably my favourite food ever and I don't eat as many as I used to. I also haven't been eating them like I used to either. I used to eat my eggs simply pan fried with a sprinkle of salt/pepper. Now when I eat eggs I usually eat them with carbs, like bread. I need to stop doing that and go back to eating eggs plain, I enjoy them like that and its much better for weight loss if I eat them that way.
- Exercise: I have been doing a lot more exercise recently and I think it has made me retain a bit of water weight in my muscles. I guess theres not much I can do about that though since I enjoy exercising more and its probably better for me in the long run. The thing is, with more exercise I am burning more calories so trying to stay at the same general deficit as before is going to be a lot harder...I need to find a good calorie limit that doesn't lead to binging.
- Having a plan: I currently don't have any set plans because setting plans and failing them constantly was making me feel really horrible. Even though I keep failing, I think I still need to set myself a plan to try to stick to; otherwise I have no idea what i'm doing! I have to make a plan that I think i'll be able to stick to and if I fail then thats ok. You get back up and you try again, you haven't truly failed until you give up.
- Keeping a routine: I had a perfect routine before where after work I would come home and eat and then immediately after eating I would shower and then brush my teeth. Then I usually went and watched tv with my housemates. This kept me from eating anything more. Lately, since changing jobs, I get home later and I hardly ever shower immediately after eating anymore, and I don't sit with my housemates until much later in the night, which leaves me thinking about food more. I need to find a new routine that works well with my new work schedule.
- Lunch on work days: Rather than fasting all day until dinner I need to get back into the habit of eating fruit at lunch. I think this could help me not want to eat so much when I get home from work as well as give me a bit more energy during the working day. I guess it would also make my co-workers stop questioning why I never eat lunch...
- Water!: This is an important one! I used to drink a minimum of 1.5L everyday, no exceptions. Lately I have been so bad at making sure I drink enough. Some days I probably only have maybe 500ml, if that! I need to ensure that I drink at least 1.5L per day again because if I drink enough then I won't be as hungry and I won't retain water weight as much.
That's about all I can think of at the moment. It seems that I have been doing a lot of things wrong, and this is probably why I have been binging so much recently. Right now I feel motivated, and I hope that it isn't lost by tomorrow. Hopefully if I reread this post again tomorrow I can start to get myself back on track! The last thing I want to do is undo all of the progress that I have made so far. My goals are so much more important to me than chips, or chocolate. I need to realise that I can still eat anything that my heart desires, I just can't go overboard on it. Moderation is key! I have to reach my UGW, and I WILL reach it!
Getting out of a binge cycle is so freaking difficult and I might mess up some more but I won't give up trying to reach my goals
#386
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Posted 07 June 2015 - 02:37 PM
DAY: 143 (Week 1, Day 1)
I am glad I have realised and typed out all of the things that could possibly be contributing to me binging. Now that I know, I can try to fix it. I want to go back to my original plans of 5,600 calories per week. I liked doing this, and I have stuck to it before so there is no reason why I shouldn't be able to stick to it again. I'm going to start my weeks back to week 1...I guess this is Round 2, Week 1 ^.^
I am going to lower my weekly calories burned goal to 13,000 per week (average of 1,857 per day) instead of 14,000. I think this is more achievable for me currently and still leaves me with a massive deficit equaling to around a 0.9kg loss per week. If I am finding it difficult to keep up with this/ feeling low in energy, then I will lower my goal to 12,000 (1,714 average per day = 0.8kg loss per week).
I'm still not brave enough to step on those scales. I have set this coming Friday (12th of June) as my weigh in day. That gives me 4 days to lose some actual weight as well as food and water weight.
I wrote out a few things that I will eat today and I shall fill in the rest when I figure out what else i'll have. I know this won't be easy because i'm still having so many binge thoughts. I keep imagining myself dashing up the road to the shops and buying a whole heap of binge food. I can't let myself do that though, i'm trying my hardest to resist and I hope that I don't give in! I need to just get through one good week without messing up, I think it will be easier from then on.
It feels like i'm forgetting to mention something else important in these new plans...maybe it will come to me later 
Breakfast: 1.5 bananas (150) + English muffin (130) + 1 Egg (70) = 350
Lunch: Roasted pumpkin (115) + Gravy (30) = 145
Dinner: Chicken and vegetable stir fry /w cauliflower rice (240) = 240
Snacks: -
Daily total = 735 yeah nope, failed today. fml. Starting again tomorrow
Week 1 total = 735/5,600 Remaining weekly calories = 4,865
Exercise: 25 min bike ride + 5 mins climbing stairs
Calories burned this week: 774/13,000
Current weight: ?kg (?lbs) (BMI: ?) - Will weigh in on Friday 12th June..i'm scared :-)
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Posted 07 June 2015 - 11:34 PM
Ugggghhhh If anyone even reads this, i'm sorry about all the screwing up lately. Eventually I will snap out of it hopefully.
My day was going perfectly and then somehow I managed to screw up yet again. I don't know how much I had but i'm not even going to purge because I deserve to gain. I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me lately. If I don't stop i'll end up gaining everything I have lost back, fml! I guess I should have known better then to try and get back to restricting when I have a day off work (public holiday here). I will do better tomorrow because I have work which is a massive distraction.
I will restart tomorrow with day 1. I hate that I won't be starting on a Monday, but I can't waste another full week waiting for it to be Monday again. I'm so tired of myself at the moment, I thought today was going to be ok but nope. I literally don't even have any food in the house, I ate it all so that i'd have nothing worth while to binge on, but I guess i'll eat anything at the moment. I ate a whole bunch of crispbread crackers with Vegemite, pureed apples and strawberries, some of my housemates stale gross cereal..that's how lame and pathetic my binge was. Not even worth it and not even slightly satisfying. I don't know if I am reactive eating because my body needs nutrients or if i'm just failing because I suck...
NO FUCKING MORE BINGING FROM NOW ON! And I fucking mean it this time. I am DONE! So. Done. with screwing up. Tomorrow will be perfect. I have said this way too often recently. I don't want to mess up anymore. I really tried today, and I guess even though I still failed I took one small step in the right direction. I'm picking myself back up once again and not giving up!
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Posted 08 June 2015 - 04:46 AM
I won't start completely again tomorrow. I will instead give myself 4,800 calories (800 per day average) for the rest of the week and then I can hopefully start a complete week next Monday.
This may sounds crazy, but I always have this thought where I just wish I could freeze time. I just wish everything would stop and I didn't have to worry about so many things in my life. It all feels like its going too fast and my life is just passing me by without me actually living it. To everyone around me I probably seem like I have got everything together and that there are no issues with me. But that's so far from the truth. I am so scared of a lot of things that are happening or are going to happen in my life. I worry a lot about the future and I think way too much about the past.
I am so lucky to have all of the things I have and it makes me feel so guilty that i'm not happy. I should be happy because my life isn't that bad at all, it sure is stressful, but its a lot better than many other peoples. I would trade in everything I own just to feel true happiness, I can't even remember what it feels like. I think with this disorder I am chasing a feeling, kind of like how I felt when I was a kid. I had an awesome childhood and I have never wanted to let it go. Now that i'm 21 I can't act like a kid anymore and I hate being an adult. I always have to do everything on my own now and there isn't anyone but myself to help me if I mess up. I have the idea that if i'm skinny then i'll feel like a kid, and if I feel like a kid again then i'll be happy because thats how it used to be. I am chasing that warm fuzzy feeling that I used to get when I was younger, but i'm not even sure if its possible to feel that again.
Sorry if these posts are super weird! I used to do this thing where I couldn't sleep until I wrote out my thoughts on my phone. I'd literally lie awake until 4am or so if I didn't write something. Sometimes its like I need to get thoughts out of my brain so that I can stop thinking about them. Maybe I think too much about unimportant things...whatever will be, will be.
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Posted 08 June 2015 - 09:42 AM
What you said about wanting to freeze time makes so much sense to me. I can identify with literally everything you just wrote Don't worry, you're not alone.
Also, please don't apologize for screwing up! It happens to all of us It's normal you can't just go back to restricting in a day. I know you can do it though xx
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Posted 09 June 2015 - 12:14 AM
Capulisa, on 08 Jun 2015 - 09:42 AM, said:
What you said about wanting to freeze time makes so much sense to me. I can identify with literally everything you just wrote
Also, please don't apologize for screwing up! It happens to all of us
I'm glad to know someone else can relate!
Thank you Today went much better, i'm so relieved!
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Posted 09 June 2015 - 12:38 AM
DAY: 144 (Week 1, Day 2)
I ruined yesterday and rather than messing up my weeks or waiting until next Monday I have decided to give myself and average of 800 calories for the rest of the week (4,800 for 6 days).
Today went well, which is a massive relief because i'm getting so tired of screwing up. I just want to lose! I hate looking in the mirror because I can tell I have gained, I don't even want to know how much. I'm sure most of it is food/water weight, but its damn scary haha!
I am super hungry, but I can't risk eating more. My binges lately start off with me saying "i'll just have one bowl of cereal and thats it", next thing i'm eating 3 more bowls and other stuff that I don't need. It always starts with me thinking that I can have just a little of something extra and then all hell breaks loose. I will not be tricked this time! I have had enough
Breakfast: -
Lunch: Rockmelon (100) = 100
Dinner: Chicken and vegetable stir fry /w cauliflower rice (240) = 240
Snacks: Small oatmeal cookie (120?) = 120
Daily total = 460
Week 1 total = 460/4,800 Remaining weekly calories = 4,340
Exercise: -
Calories burned this week: 3,558/13,000
Current weight: ?kg (?lbs) (BMI: ?) - Will weigh in on Friday 12th June..i'm scared :-)
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Posted 09 June 2015 - 05:03 AM
I finally freaking did it! Today went perfectly and i'm so happy!
I swear there is a Simpsons gif for everything
Now, lets make tomorrow another perfect day!
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Posted 10 June 2015 - 12:26 AM
DAY: 145 (Week 1, Day 3)
I wasn't planning on eating the cereal today but its still under 800 and not a binge, so I think i'm safe! I'm so hungry still though! I guess straight after binging for a while its difficult to restrict again because your body is used to lots of food and then all of a sudden thats taken away. I can't wait until the hunger passes, I can't remember how long it takes but I know after a while of restricting I never feel that hungry anymore.
Breakfast: -
Lunch: Rockmelon (100) = 100
Dinner: Chicken and vegetable stir fry /w cauliflower rice (240) + Roasted pumpkin (115) + Gravy (15) = 370
Snacks: Cereal (300) + Almond milk (10) = 310
Daily total = 780
Week 1 total = 1,240/4,800 Remaining weekly calories = 3,560
Exercise: -
Calories burned this week: 5,243/13,000
Current weight: ?kg (?lbs) (BMI: ?) - Will weigh in on Friday 12th June..i'm scared :-)
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Posted 11 June 2015 - 12:33 AM
DAY: 146 (Week 1, Day 4)
Today is my last working day for the week and I am so freaking happy about it! I am so tired from work, today was particularly active; i've already burned 1,820 and the day is still not over for another 6.5 hours!
Last weekend I went to a fruit and veg store and they had strawberries! A punnet was $4, which is kind of expensive but still not too bad, I couldn't resist! They were actually delicious, even though its Winter here and they aren't in season
I'm not entirely sure what i'll eat tomorrow, my plans only got me as far as today. I will cook something again Sunday, so that leaves 2 days that I need to plan...hmm
Breakfast: -
Lunch: Strawberries (80) = 80
Dinner: Chicken and vegetable stir fry /w cauliflower rice (240) = 240
Snacks: Cereal (300) + Almond milk (10) = 310
Daily total = 630
Week 1 total = 1,870/4,800 Remaining weekly calories = 2,930
Exercise: -
Calories burned this week: 7,461/13,000
Current weight: ?kg (?lbs) (BMI: ?) - Will weigh in on Friday 12th June..i'm scared :-)
#396
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Posted 11 June 2015 - 02:48 AM
your progress is amazinG!!!!
height: 5'9
CW: 64.7kg
BMI: 21.12
accountabilities
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weight goals
❤ gw1: 62kg | bmi: 20.24
❤ gw3: 58kg | bmi: 18.93
❤ gw4: 56.5kg | bmi: 18.44
❤ ugw: 55kg | bmi: 17.95
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Posted 11 June 2015 - 05:27 AM
toothless, on 11 Jun 2015 - 02:30 AM, said:
I knew you'd get back on track!! Yay! Im over here just cheering you on, dont mind me!
Aww thank you!!!
Its definitely not easy at the moment but i'm so glad to have got through these past few days!
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Posted 11 June 2015 - 05:30 AM
petal99, on 11 Jun 2015 - 03:33 AM, said:
Keep going you're doing soooo well!
It's not always plain sailing but you are doing your best and its definatley showing!! You look amazing x
Gosh, thank you!!
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Posted 27 December 2015 - 08:55 PM
DAY: 357 - Monday
I must have really messed up my day count somewhere in this thread. It should be 365 days on January 15th...Oh well, i'll just continue with these numbers.
I'm actually kind of sad that Christmas is over now. There are so many things that I have to do that I just kept saying "i'll do them after Christmas"...and now it's after Christmas but I still don't want to do any of it. I'm getting behind in my uni work but I just don't have the motivation to push myself to get ahead. It will get done though...eventually
I had a lot to post about when I was with my family but now i'm back to normal and my days are pretty boring. I think i'm going to be living alone for almost a month starting this week. One of my housemates has moved back to her parents house for a while to work and my other housemate is traveling overseas for the whole month of January. I usually love being on my own but I can get sick of it pretty quickly, i'm sure the next few months will fly by though because i'm almost done with uni and then i'll have to figure out what i'm going to do next in life!
Today I decided to make fried rice again. It was a good day because everything felt right, I like this routine I have going and i'm glad I was able to get back to it after eating so much over Christmas.
Breakfast:
Lunch: 1 Banana (100) + Watermelon (50) + Berries (40) + Yoghurt (135) = 325
Dinner: Fried rice (210) = 210
Snacks: Apricot (25) + Nectarine (50) + Peach (50) + Cherries (25) = 150
Daily total = 685
Exercise:
Current weight: 54.5kg (120.1lbs) (BMI:18.9) Last weighed 24th Dec 2015
#982
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Posted 27 December 2015 - 09:16 PM
Hey hun! do you take body checks often?
would love to see progress picks xo
I have a youtube channel too!
subscribe if ya want
(going to upload videos soon!.. more ed content and random shit)
https://www.youtube....w_as=subscriber
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You are you,
Perfection and goals,
How I long to see you be whole" - S'mores
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Posted 27 December 2015 - 09:19 PM
I think I ruined my tiny but of progress.
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Posted 27 December 2015 - 09:37 PM
Heisenburg, on 27 Dec 2015 - 9:16 PM, said:
Hey hun! do you take body checks often?
would love to see progress picks xo
I do but I feel like I just look the same in all of them. Last time I posted body pics (back in May) I was the same weight as I am now and I think I look the same. Once I lose a bit more i'll definitely be posting pics x
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Posted 27 December 2015 - 09:46 PM
DissociatingFat, on 27 Dec 2015 - 9:19 PM, said:
You are doing so well. Omg I really want to eat how you eat but I don't even know how to make that fried rice thing and I don't think that we have that Chobani yoghurt.
I think I ruined my tiny but of progress.
I'd be happy to post a recipe for the fried rice if you wanted? It's pretty quick and easy!
You could have any kind of yoghurt. I think i'm just stuck eating Chobani at the moment because other yoghurts that I love (like the Danone ones) I can't buy anymore because I tend to binge on them. I haven't had a problem with the Chobani ones though.
I'm sure you didn't ruin it. And anything that we gain, we can lose again right?
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Posted 27 December 2015 - 10:23 PM
one-step-at-a-time, on 27 Dec 2015 - 9:46 PM, said:
I'd be happy to post a recipe for the fried rice if you wanted? It's pretty quick and easy!
You could have any kind of yoghurt. I think i'm just stuck eating Chobani at the moment because other yoghurts that I love (like the Danone ones) I can't buy anymore because I tend to binge on them. I haven't had a problem with the Chobani ones though.
I'm sure you didn't ruin it. And anything that we gain, we can lose again right?
Yes please, that would be awesome if you posted the recipe.
I binge on the yoghurts too though, so I guess I'll just have to find one similar to Chobani.
Yes we can, I just want to lose the weight already so that I'm not a fat blob in a dress and can feel comfortable in the clothes I buy.
Also I am really looking forward to the pictures when you lose a little. I would still like to see the comparison from last time at this weight.
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Posted 27 December 2015 - 11:09 PM
DissociatingFat, on 27 Dec 2015 - 10:23 PM, said:
Yes please, that would be awesome if you posted the recipe.
I binge on the yoghurts too though, so I guess I'll just have to find one similar to Chobani.
Yes we can, I just want to lose the weight already so that I'm not a fat blob in a dress and can feel comfortable in the clothes I buy.
Also I am really looking forward to the pictures when you lose a little. I would still like to see the comparison from last time at this weight.
This is the way I make my fried rice, but you can change any of the vegetables and change the ratios of ingredients to your liking. I weigh my vegetables so I just listed the amounts as roughly how much i'd use. I use different measures of rice too today I did 110g divided into 4 meals.
Fried rice
Serves 3-4
Ingredients:
- Brown rice
- 1 Onion
- 1 Red Capsicum
- Handful or two of snow peas
- 1 med/large carrot
- Head of broccoli
- 1 Egg
- Oil
- Soy sauce
Method:
1. Heat a tsp of oil in a frying pan and then add the rice. Fry it until the rice is slightly browned and then add in some boiling water. I think the ratio is 1 cup of rice to 2 cups of water. Then leave the rice to soak up all the water until soft.
2. Whilst the rice is cooking slice up all of the vegetables and cook them in a frying pan, you can add a little bit of oil or use a non-stick frying pan.
3. (Optional) Beat 1 egg and pan fry lightly. Slice the cooked egg into small pieces and add to the vegetables.
4. Once the rice is cooked add that into the other pan with all of the vegetables and egg and you're done!
You can add any sauce you like, I add a bit of soy sauce
I hope my instructions are clear enough and that I didn't forget anything...
You'll get there! I'm sure you look lovely anyway <3
I might post them, but I think I look the same...maybe even worse :/
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Posted 27 December 2015 - 11:16 PM
one-step-at-a-time, on 27 Dec 2015 - 11:09 PM, said:
Thank you so muchThis is the way I make my fried rice, but you can change any of the vegetables and change the ratios of ingredients to your liking. I weigh my vegetables so I just listed the amounts as roughly how much i'd use. I use different measures of rice too today I did 110g divided into 4 meals.
Fried rice
Serves 3-4
Ingredients:
- Rice
- 1 Onion
- 1 Red Capsicum
- Handful or two of snow peas
- 1 med/large carrot
- Head of broccoli
- 1 Egg
- Oil
- Soy sauce
Method:
1. Heat a tsp of oil in a frying pan and then add the rice. Fry it until the rice is slightly browned and then add in some boiling water. I think the ratio is 1 cup of rice to 2 cups of water. Then leave the rice to soak up all the water until soft.
2. Whilst the rice is cooking slice up all of the vegetables and cook them in a frying pan, you can add a little bit of oil or use a non-stick frying pan.
3. (Optional) Beat 1 egg and pan fry lightly. Slice the cooked egg into small pieces and add to the vegetables.
4. Once the rice is cooked add that into the other pan with all of the vegetables and egg and you're done!
You can add any sauce you like, I add a bit of soy sauce
I hope my instructions are clear enough and that I didn't forget anything...
You'll get there! I'm sure you look lovely anyway <3
I might post them, but I think I look the same...maybe even worse :/
your instructions are perfect. I so look forward to making it. What rice do you use?Trust me, I don't look lovely at all. I hate how long losing weight takes.
I'm sure you look wonderful. You never know we might notice a shape difference or something.
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Posted 27 December 2015 - 11:19 PM
DissociatingFat, on 27 Dec 2015 - 11:16 PM, said:
Thank you so much
Trust me, I don't look lovely at all. I hate how long losing weight takes.
I'm sure you look wonderful. You never know we might notice a shape difference or something.
I use brown rice. Let me know how it goes if you do end up making it!
I wish it was faster, but slow and steady is the way to go.
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Posted 27 December 2015 - 11:26 PM
one-step-at-a-time, on 27 Dec 2015 - 11:19 PM, said:
I will, thanksI use brown rice. Let me know how it goes if you do end up making it!
I wish it was faster, but slow and steady is the way to go.
Yeah I guess, so annoying how long it takes.
I have no idea what I weigh or if I have gained weight or lost because someone is with me for a couple of days and then they leave in a couple of days and then I can weigh myself again.
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Posted 28 December 2015 - 09:07 PM
DAY: 358 - Tuesday
I weighed myself and i'm actually okay with it. I knew i'd gained and I was expecting to have gained more from Christmas, so this is acceptable
I'm already so bored of being home alone all the time. It's nice being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, but the house feels so empty and there's no one to entertain me...Plus I keep hearing weird sounds at night and that gets kind of creepy 
Today I made another massive salad because I had to get rid of the spinach in my fridge. I feel like i'll gain just because it was so much food! I only have one picture for today because I accidentally deleted all of the other ones. I guess since I usually have pictures of the same foods anyway you get the idea
Breakfast:
Lunch: 1 Banana (100) + Watermelon (50) + Berries (40) + Yoghurt (127) = 317
Dinner: Chicken salad (170) = 170
Snacks: Apricot (25) + Nectarine (50) + Grapes (50) + Cherries (25) = 150
Daily total = 637
Exercise:
Current weight: 54.9kg (121.0lbs) (BMI:)
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Posted 28 December 2015 - 09:39 PM
I have sooo many body pictures on my phone and when I look back through them it's crazy to see how much my weight has bounced around this past year. I still look super gross in any picture I take and sometimes I feel like it won't ever be enough.
Here's my current leg situation...they're so flabby which is why I need to ride my bike more but I just lack any motivation to do anything lately. I wish I wasn't pear shaped because I feel like i'll never be able to like the way my legs look
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Posted 28 December 2015 - 10:17 PM
AmethystAna, on 28 Dec 2015 - 9:46 PM, said:
Your legs are skinny. Anyone who complains can trade with me. New rule
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DissociatingFat, on 28 Dec 2015 - 9:47 PM, said:
Your weight will come down quickly though I'm guessing. Your legs are amazing though
I would kill for your legs to be honest.
Aww you guys are so sweet, thank you! You make me feel a lot better about myself
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Posted 30 December 2015 - 01:27 PM
Wanaka, on 30 Dec 2015 - 10:33 AM, said:
No sweetie, you don't look gross AT ALL. You're beautiful and I mean it. Take care of yourself.
Thank you so much, I needed to hear something like that today. xx
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Posted 30 December 2015 - 06:33 PM
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Posted 27 March 2017 - 11:45 PM
DAY: 800 - Tuesday
After eating on Saturday I gained 1.3kg, which put me back at 45kg. Then after Sunday when I kept nothing down, I was 44.4kg. And this morning after eating and not purging anything yesterday I was 44.2kg. So somehow I managed to lose weight after eating yesterday which I was very surprised about; I thought I would just gain more. My problem now is that I really feel like I need to lose a lot more now because when I gained 1.3kg, I was pretty upset by it. I was alright with being in the 43's and now anything higher than that is unacceptable to me. But I feel like I need to get a lot lower than the 53's because then when I do have water/food weight, I won't go over 53 point something.
Today I b/p'ed 3 times, as per usual. I feel so tired now but I bet when it is time to sleep I'll be wide awake...
My mood is a little better today though which is good. I don't really know why it changed but I am glad it has. Hopefully I won't have another bad few days mentally anytime soon.
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Posted 28 March 2017 - 10:26 PM
I know exactly what you mean about "now I've been x weight anything higher is unacceptable" because it's exactly where I'm at. I am still surprised you BP and lose weight since i gain EVERY Time it happens but I guess there are so many reasons that could be the case. I'm glad your mood is better too!
Australian // 22 years old // Non-Binary (They/Them) // Eating disordered for 6+ years
Height: 160cm / 5'3''
HW: 61kg / 134.5lb (BMI 23.8)
LW: 41kg / 90.4lb (BMI 16)
CW: 46.5kg / 102.5lb (BMI 18.2) (Last Updated April 28th)
Current Weight Goal: Maintaining between 44.5-46.5kg (98.1-102.5lb / BMI 17.4-18.2)
UGW: 40kg (88.2lb / BMI 15.6)
Diagnosed AN (BP Subtype), BPD, Major Depressive Disorder, GAD, PTSD
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Posted 28 March 2017 - 11:02 PM
falling.from.grace, on 28 Mar 2017 - 10:26 PM, said:
I know exactly what you mean about "now I've been x weight anything higher is unacceptable" because it's exactly where I'm at. I am still surprised you BP and lose weight since i gain EVERY Time it happens but I guess there are so many reasons that could be the case. I'm glad your mood is better too!
It sucks! I am sorry you're stuck in that mindset too. I actually thought I had stopped caring about weight, but I guess not...
I used to always gain when I b/p'ed but that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. Maybe it's because the majority of mine are now planned? Idk.
Thank you! I'm so glad too <3
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Posted 28 March 2017 - 11:13 PM
DAY: 801 - Wednesday
How is it Wednesday already?!
Lately I feel like I have been getting more dizzy than usual. Today when I was making food for b/p number 3 I felt like I was actually going to pass out in the kitchen. I got so hot all of a sudden and it was difficult to focus on what I was doing. After I started binging it went away though. I'm pretty sure it's low blood sugar but I could be wrong. Lately when I am purging too I sometimes get dizzy and have to lean against the wall for a bit until it passes; that has never happened before so idk what's up.
Last night I was watching a video from a YouTuber that I adore. I have been watching her for a really long time now and she just put out a video about ED recovery. Watching it really helped kind of push me a little further into wanting to get better. I know I am definitely not 100% committed to getting better right now and I know I won't ever get better until I can fully commit. I kind of want it but there are things that scare me away from it also. When I really think about it, it all seems so pointless and stupid to be doing this to myself. Like, why? I don't even know why myself. I am determined to get better one day but I am still too stubborn to ask for help. Maybe that's my biggest problem; that I always feel like I need to do everything myself. Maybe this just isn't something you can fix on your own.
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Posted 29 March 2017 - 11:59 PM
DAY: 802 - Thursday
I feel like I need to get to 41kg because then if I started eating and gained food/water weight it hopefully wouldn't be more than 2kg. I feel alright when I am under 44kg, but I guess that could change and lower if I keep losing more. I just change my mind too much. When I am b/p-ing I hate it and want to start keeping food down. But then when I keep food down I hate that and want to go back to b/p-ing.
Sometimes I actually fantasize about just eating something, anything I want and being ok with it. I just can't bring myself to do it though, and in the past when I have tried it I always end up purging or eating more and then purging. I just want to be able to say fuck it, and eat things when I want them without purging, but I just can't. I miss the days where I could just eat and not give much thought to food, at the same time though that mindset is what got me to my highest weight... I can't let myself ever go back to that because I fear I will go back to my HW if I do.
The brain fog has been real lately. I find it difficult to focus on a lot of things and sometimes I'll be doing something and I'll just completely zone out. Ugh, I don't know... this isn't fun, this isn't what I wanted and losing weight didn't make me happy. Why the hell don't I want to get better then? I know all of that stuff but still I continue to waste my life with this ED.
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#1987
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Posted 30 March 2017 - 10:15 PM
Kodos, on 29 Mar 2017 - 11:59 PM, said:
DAY: 802 - Thursday
I feel like I need to get to 41kg because then if I started eating and gained food/water weight it hopefully wouldn't be more than 2kg. I feel alright when I am under 44kg, but I guess that could change and lower if I keep losing more. I just change my mind too much. When I am b/p-ing I hate it and want to start keeping food down. But then when I keep food down I hate that and want to go back to b/p-ing.
Sometimes I actually fantasize about just eating something, anything I want and being ok with it. I just can't bring myself to do it though, and in the past when I have tried it I always end up purging or eating more and then purging. I just want to be able to say fuck it, and eat things when I want them without purging, but I just can't. I miss the days where I could just eat and not give much thought to food, at the same time though that mindset is what got me to my highest weight... I can't let myself ever go back to that because I fear I will go back to my HW if I do.
The brain fog has been real lately. I find it difficult to focus on a lot of things and sometimes I'll be doing something and I'll just completely zone out. Ugh, I don't know... this isn't fun, this isn't what I wanted and losing weight didn't make me happy. Why the hell don't I want to get better then? I know all of that stuff but still I continue to waste my life with this ED.
I can relate to this post so so damn much.. What you say about feeling okay under 44, it's the same for me currently, but it used to be that I felt okay as long as I was under 50, then 48, then 46.. You get the point. I know too that it will just lower as I lose weight.
Are you like me, and start the week a little higher, then it takes you most of the week to get back to where you were, then the last couple of days you lose slightly lower? That seems to be my pattern, though this week it didn't happen that I went lower unfortunately.. Still at 43.6/7 kg.
I hope that the thoughts around recovery become more than just fleeting for you. There's never gonna be a time when you feel fully ready though, that's the thing. I see an ED nurse occasionally and she would word it to me as having to just grab onto that 10% of you or however big a slice of you and nourish it, nurture it, try to grow it, anything but try to destroy it, because that's not going to help. I think as long as there is a small part of you that wants things to be different, then there's room to move with that.
So I'm curious, do you know what sort of resources there are for those with ED's in your part of Aus? Like, in NZ there's literally two treatment centres, and with the one closest to me at least, it's just a fat farm - there's no therapy, it's pure refeeding, and they generally only take very young girls who are ill for the first time. As a woman in my early thirties who's been sick for most of my life, that's really disheartening. I had a friend not much older than me that had to beg for treatment, they were trying to offer her palliative care. At 34 years old. F that for a joke.
So I'd be interested to see if you have more resources there? I can't even find a psychotherapist here, let alone an eating disorder specialised one, though my city has less than 50,000 people, but still.. If you made the choice to recover, would you have the help to do so?
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Posted 30 March 2017 - 10:45 PM
Kodos, on 28 Mar 2017 - 11:13 PM, said:
DAY: 801 - Wednesday
[. . .] Maybe that's my biggest problem; that I always feel like I need to do everything myself. Maybe this just isn't something you can fix on your own.
When and if you're ready to make small steps towards harm reduction, or recovery know that it's not something you have to do alone. <3
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Posted 30 March 2017 - 11:54 PM
PhoenixPhaith, on 30 Mar 2017 - 10:15 PM, said:
I can relate to this post so so damn much.. What you say about feeling okay under 44, it's the same for me currently, but it used to be that I felt okay as long as I was under 50, then 48, then 46.. You get the point. I know too that it will just lower as I lose weight.
Are you like me, and start the week a little higher, then it takes you most of the week to get back to where you were, then the last couple of days you lose slightly lower? That seems to be my pattern, though this week it didn't happen that I went lower unfortunately.. Still at 43.6/7 kg.
I hope that the thoughts around recovery become more than just fleeting for you. There's never gonna be a time when you feel fully ready though, that's the thing. I see an ED nurse occasionally and she would word it to me as having to just grab onto that 10% of you or however big a slice of you and nourish it, nurture it, try to grow it, anything but try to destroy it, because that's not going to help. I think as long as there is a small part of you that wants things to be different, then there's room to move with that.
So I'm curious, do you know what sort of resources there are for those with ED's in your part of Aus? Like, in NZ there's literally two treatment centres, and with the one closest to me at least, it's just a fat farm - there's no therapy, it's pure refeeding, and they generally only take very young girls who are ill for the first time. As a woman in my early thirties who's been sick for most of my life, that's really disheartening. I had a friend not much older than me that had to beg for treatment, they were trying to offer her palliative care. At 34 years old. F that for a joke.
So I'd be interested to see if you have more resources there? I can't even find a psychotherapist here, let alone an eating disorder specialised one, though my city has less than 50,000 people, but still.. If you made the choice to recover, would you have the help to do so?
OMG. Honestly, how is this happening?! This morning I was dead on 43.6kg which took me all week to get back to. This week sucked for weight loss tbh. I seriously cannot get over our extremely similar weight patterns, it's crazy! haha
I have been saying that also pretty much since I got under 50. Something about the 43's feels alright to me though, but I guess there is no telling whether my mind will change about that if I manage to get into the 42's...
Thank you, that is really comforting to read. I feel like I am definitely getting there. Even though it's very slow, but I believe I will be ready to really try to get better in the very near future.
I honestly have no clue. I haven't done much research into it or anything. When I have looked briefly I don't think I found much info at all, but maybe I need to try harder and really dig to find out everything I'd need to know.
That's terrible! You'd think in this day and age we would have a lot more to offer people who want to recover from mental illnesses. It's a real shame that there isn't more help for people with ED's in NZ, I really hope that changes in the future.
My only attempt at getting help was about 2 years ago. I went to a doctor and they were actually very helpful. He wanted to set up a psychologist for me but I freaked out and told him that I wasn't ready. So I guess there is help if you are willing to accept it. I would probably go to a doctor as my first step in recovery if I ever do decide to do so again. They seem to have connections and can also monitor your health along the way. The thing that really scares me though is that I know they can force you to go to hospital if your potassium levels are too low. That is my biggest fear, I just don't want anyone to force me into something I don't want. I mean, it's for good reason I understand that, but ugh... I just couldn't.
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Posted 30 March 2017 - 11:57 PM
Gracefully Insane, on 30 Mar 2017 - 10:45 PM, said:
When and if you're ready to make small steps towards harm reduction, or recovery know that it's not something you have to do alone. <3
Thank you <3
I know you're right but it's just so scary opening up to someone in person about it.
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Posted 31 March 2017 - 12:08 AM
DAY: 803 - Friday
Today was a bit of a mess towards the end. I b/p'ed twice and still had food left over from it. I could have b/p'ed again but I really didn't want to. So instead I decided to make something to eat for dinners over this weekend. I made rice and vegetables with tempeh (never had it before so I am actually really excited to try it tomorrow!). That got me through the afternoon and I didn't b/p, so that was pretty great. But then I was looking in the fridge and suddenly got a massive craving for milk. Which is really weird because I never drink milk anymore... Anyway, I had some milk and I was kind of ok with it. Then about 10 minutes later I had two dates and then I lost it. How stupid in hindsight I just wanted to keep eating them, so I did. I had about 8 (and a few almonds too) and by that point I knew I had to purge... so I did.
After all that it has made me want to b/p again on all of my left over binge food later tonight. I don't know yet if I will go through with it or not. I can't decide whether having it there over the weekend is a good idea or not. On one hand if I get rid of it then I won't have easy access to binge food over the weekend. But on the other hand if I keep it and do end up having a failure of a weekend, I will have something to binge on. Hmm... decisions, decisions.
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Posted 31 March 2017 - 12:43 AM
Also I adore tempeh (especial dry fried with some edamame) so I hope you like it as much as I do.
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Posted 31 March 2017 - 01:04 AM
lee062, on 31 Mar 2017 - 12:43 AM, said:
just thought I'd comment on the NZ mention (as I'm from NZ too) and say that there's only 8 beds reserved for IP treatment where I live, which is one of the most (if not the most) populated areas here. We have one specialist outpatient facility which is an hour drive from me lol. So I really just hope that if you ever choose recovery, your country is far more accommodating xx
Also I adore tempeh (especial dry fried with some edamame) so I hope you like it as much as I do.
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That is honestly so sad to hear. I don't understand why there isn't more help out there for people to receive treatment. Again, I really do hope things improve in the near future.
Thank you so much! xx
Ooo, now I am really excited to try it tomorrow! I fried mine in a pan with some honey soy marinade, hopefully I did it right. Guess I'll find out
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Posted 31 March 2017 - 06:05 AM
Just chiming in on everyone's comments about recovery, the butterfly foundation offer some web, email and phone counselling but otherwise in my experience good IP Care is all in Sydney/Melbourne and there's very little in the way of intensive OP Care outside of major centres.
Australian // 22 years old // Non-Binary (They/Them) // Eating disordered for 6+ years
Height: 160cm / 5'3''
HW: 61kg / 134.5lb (BMI 23.8)
LW: 41kg / 90.4lb (BMI 16)
CW: 46.5kg / 102.5lb (BMI 18.2) (Last Updated April 28th)
Current Weight Goal: Maintaining between 44.5-46.5kg (98.1-102.5lb / BMI 17.4-18.2)
UGW: 40kg (88.2lb / BMI 15.6)
Diagnosed AN (BP Subtype), BPD, Major Depressive Disorder, GAD, PTSD
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Posted 31 March 2017 - 08:47 AM
heyup. you are on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster and i relate so much to a lot of it. i feel comfortable at 66lbs but i yoyo between 65 and 69 in a week and i have learned to be ok with it. i also tolerate 67lbs. i know though if it goes up, it will come down again. and that is how i think i have managed to keep myself hydrated. the higher weight is water retention which is an ongoing problem at the moment. but it does mean sometimes i lose 3lbs overnight.
your dizzy spells are a bit worrying. you should monitor these and not let this get into a full blown medical issue.
how is the job hunting going?
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Posted 31 March 2017 - 03:23 PM
falling.from.grace, on 31 Mar 2017 - 06:05 AM, said:
Just chiming in on everyone's comments about recovery, the butterfly foundation offer some web, email and phone counselling but otherwise in my experience good IP Care is all in Sydney/Melbourne and there's very little in the way of intensive OP Care outside of major centres.
Thanks for the info! It's always helpful to know.
I hope you're doing ok xx
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Posted 31 March 2017 - 03:28 PM
JessicaX, on 31 Mar 2017 - 08:47 AM, said:
heyup. you are on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster and i relate so much to a lot of it. i feel comfortable at 66lbs but i yoyo between 65 and 69 in a week and i have learned to be ok with it. i also tolerate 67lbs. i know though if it goes up, it will come down again. and that is how i think i have managed to keep myself hydrated. the higher weight is water retention which is an ongoing problem at the moment. but it does mean sometimes i lose 3lbs overnight.
your dizzy spells are a bit worrying. you should monitor these and not let this get into a full blown medical issue.
how is the job hunting going?
I'm the same way, if my weight goes up know I am generally not too concerned because I know I can lose it again. But the way I lose it isn't exactly something I want to keep doing though. Maybe that's why getting better scares me? Because if I gain weight I feel as though I couldn't lose it again unless I went back to old habits.
I'm so glad you're keeping up with hydration! Honestly that makes me so happy to hear!
I'll try to keep an eye on it but I am pretty sure it's just low blood sugar. When it eventually passes I'm all good again and pretty much forget it even happened until it happens again the next time 
Job hunting isn't going so great... I have applied for a lot of jobs but I don't seem to hear back from many, if any. I guess all I can do is keep trying though and hopefully something will come along eventually
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Posted 31 March 2017 - 10:53 PM
DAY: 804 - Saturday
It was a pretty good day today, I just really hope I don't gain as much as I did last weekend. I do feel kind of bad about the amount I ate though, usually I don't go much over 600 calories at most, but I guess it isn't too much more. Oh and I did b/p last night on the left over binge food I had, so now I don't really have to think about it over this weekend.
My weight this week was only down by 100g since last week. It pretty much took all week to get back down to this weight and now I am ruining it all over again. On the plus side, I don't feel so cold anymore. This morning I was freezing just as I have been over the past few days/weeks. Then about 2 hours or so after I had lunch I realised that I didn't feel as cold anymore. Eating really does warm you up; hopefully I don't get too hot though because that tends to happen when I keep food down. I get SO hot, like burning hot. I don't know which is worse, being freezing cold or burning hot... they're both pretty terrible.
It was my first time trying tempeh and I really liked it! Also I got some adorably small bananas, they're so tiny and cute!
Breakfast: -
Lunch: Banana (58) + Raw bar (140) + Oatmeal (190) = 388
Dinner: Fried rice (215) + Yoghurt (127) = 342
Snacks: -
Daily total = 730
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Posted 31 March 2017 - 11:20 PM
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Posted 31 March 2017 - 11:37 PM
lee062, on 31 Mar 2017 - 11:20 PM, said:
Adorable tiny bananas omg. I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed the tempeh! Also that fried rice looks delicious <3
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They're so cute! They are called "lady finger" bananas, I've been getting into them recently. I found the smallest ones I have ever seen today, the ones I got were bigger than them and they're tiny!
Thank you so much! xx
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Posted 30 August 2017 - 05:37 AM
Moonlightbae155, on 30 Aug 2017 - 01:18 AM, said:
It's not an awful thing to say. I think some those people probably let those pictures of them be taken as a reminder or warning for others not to go down the same path or for it not to get to that point. By feeling what you felt their purpose was fulfilled in a way. I think if those pictures can dissuade others not to end up like them those people in the pictures would be really happy.
Have you thought about buying a food scale and stashing it in your room? Target/Kmart and woolies sell them in the kitchen aisle. You could also buy a basket and some 'safe foods' (ovbi non perishables) and have those in your room to avoid the trigger foods too. If you're open to it too, maybe you could ask your parents to store all the trigger foods somewhere else? Maybe you could even ask your doctor to tell your parents to do that if you feel uncomfortable.
Also, your TDEE is probably higher as even moving to the rest room/fridge/grocery shopping burns calories. I also know you feel trapped but I just want you to know regardless b/p isn't the end all be all. If you end up doing it, yeah that sucks but there's also tomorrow and the day after that, you can always continue to try your best regardless of what your goals are. Every superhero has an obstacle they need to overcome yeah?
It's just incredibly sad to see people like that. I think you are right though, they would probably be happier with someone saying "I don't want to look like you", compared to "I want to look like you". I highly doubt anyone who has gone through having an ED would ever wish it upon anyone else.
It could help, but I mean I used to make meals and weigh every ingredient so that I could know the exact calories. I really want to make salads but I'd need to weight out the spinach, lettuce, pumpkin etc. All of which I can't do in my room. There just really is no avoiding any of the trigger foods and I would feel pretty selfish for asking my parents not to buy them or to get rid of them. I'll b/p on anything too, healthy or not. It just feels like there are too many obstacles in my way to be able to do it properly.
I'd really hope that it was higher because I don't think I would be very satisfied on such a small amount. That just seems like restricting to me, not the amount I should have to maintain. Thank you for the supportive words, it does help motivate me to want to try. Whether or not I can get myself to even try is another thing, but at least I am thinking about it I guess.
xxx
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Posted 30 August 2017 - 05:50 AM
Please don't quote this post
Before/After - 74kg to 38kg
I feel so embarrassed posting this but whatever. The before's are pictures from my highest weight back in late 2013 and the after's are from yesterday (except the last one, that was a week or so ago I think) at my lowest weight. Sorry the camera angles are a bit different. I always wished I took better before pics but I guess it's much too late for that now
Was it worth it? No. It was not worth it for a single second. I completely destroyed my life to look like I do now and still I hate every single inch of my body.
I have so many body check pictures on my phone from a whole bunch of different weights. I might post some others another time.
So yeah...
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Posted 30 August 2017 - 07:14 AM
Selwatscha, on 30 Aug 2017 - 06:34 AM, said:
Oh man all i can think is "goals"
You look so skinny! Please be careful (she says while starving too)
I'm definitely not goals. All I see is a life destroyed, but I guess it's impossible get that from a picture. Maybe I should have saw this kind of reaction coming when I posted these pictures and I am probably dumb for even posting them.
Would you mind editing your post to remove the pictures in the quote? Just in case I ever decide I want to delete them from the site. I would appreciate it so much x
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Posted 30 August 2017 - 07:27 AM
Oh hunny.... I wish you so much better than this. I understand that you didn't feel comfortable at the higher weight, I know I don't. But you really lost too much and I know you know so I'm not sure why I am telling you this. But just.. I want to see you happy and healthy and obviously you're neither.
Know that I am here if you want to talk and I hope that you will find a therapist which makes you sort of feel comfortable talking to.
It's not just your weight, I think the b/p is even more dangerous and like I said, I do not wish that for you.
<3
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Posted 30 August 2017 - 07:31 AM
Kodos, on 30 Aug 2017 - 07:14 AM, said:
I'm definitely not goals. All I see is a life destroyed, but I guess it's impossible get that from a picture. Maybe I should have saw this kind of reaction coming when I posted these pictures and I am probably dumb for even posting them.
Would you mind editing your post to remove the pictures in the quote? Just in case I ever decide I want to delete them from the site. I would appreciate it so much x
I know, andbi wish i wouldnt think 'goals' but i cant help it. Please do be careful, i know its difficult (hugs)
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Posted 30 August 2017 - 09:36 AM
Wow. These pictures really hit me somehow.
I'd love to look the way you look right now, and I feel like the worst person on earth for saying this, because it's not helping at all. Because I know that it's not a goal to spend a life like you do and I hope I don't offend you or anyone by saying this. I guess my mind is a bit twisted, too.
But it kills me that I can't help you and I'm horrified to think about the fact that you feel like you had to do this. It's not like you "start" and ED because of looks, but ... I'm trying to find the right words, haha ... it makes me so sad you think that you can't love yourself or even live with your body being at a normal weight. Because you were certainly not fat to begin with.
I hope your doctor's appointment goes well. You seem to have a great doctor and I'm sure he'll understand and won't make things worse. I don't believe they can lock you in if you don't want to. But it might not be the worse. I guess it's not something you feel, but I sometimes wish I could just give up and let someone else take control of my life. I bet I'd hate it after one minute, but I like the thought of it sometimes.
"In rhetoric, an anaphora (Greek: ἀναφορά, "carrying back") is a rhetorical device that consists of repeating a sequence of words at the beginnings of neighboring clauses, thereby lending them emphasis. In contrast, an epistrophe (or epiphora) is repeating words at the clauses' ends. The combination of anaphora and epistrophe results in symploce." //
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Posted 30 August 2017 - 01:57 PM
You would look ideal midway between the two photos. Sorry for saying but like me you just look unhealthy/anorexic now whereas you were overweight before. You have good shape in both before and after - that is to say a smaller waist etc.
Whilst I know it's hard to stop playing the numbers game try and dwell on the reality of your skinniness now and how that looks to others. This has helped me gain at least some perspective and so I am more relaxed about not flushing till I'm dead or adding etc coffee creamer to coffee etc. I like you am terrified of losing control and so my natural inclination is to never cross a line but find something you are comfortable with - like the yoghurt - and build on it.
Hope all goes weplay tomorrow x x x x x x x x x x x x x
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Posted 30 August 2017 - 02:16 PM
Kudos my dear friend, I hardly post because I just have no words and I know nothing I say can make things better but I wish there was a way for me to show you what your missing. Like that movie from years ago (showing my age here!) Sliding doors... where you could see how both lives play out. I wish you could experience the feeling of just eating pizza and cake on your dads birthday and having no guilt, no after thought at all. Just to live each moment to its fullest, laugh, cry, all of it. The phrase "there's so much more to life" doesn't express the truth loudly enough. The amount of fat a person has or doesn't have on their body means nothing at all.
There's no real point to this post other than to sincerely send my love and even though we are strangers in real life I honestly just want you to be free of this and to have the happiness you deserve.
Rant/essay over! Much love sweet xx
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Posted 30 August 2017 - 04:52 PM
Neverland_, on 30 Aug 2017 - 07:27 AM, said:
Oh hunny.... I wish you so much better than this. I understand that you didn't feel comfortable at the higher weight, I know I don't. But you really lost too much and I know you know so I'm not sure why I am telling you this. But just.. I want to see you happy and healthy and obviously you're neither.
Know that I am here if you want to talk and I hope that you will find a therapist which makes you sort of feel comfortable talking to.
It's not just your weight, I think the b/p is even more dangerous and like I said, I do not wish that for you.
<3
Thank you so much Neverland, you're too kind ❤❤❤
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Posted 30 August 2017 - 04:56 PM
Selwatscha, on 30 Aug 2017 - 07:31 AM, said:
I know, andbi wish i wouldnt think 'goals' but i cant help it. Please do be careful, i know its difficult (hugs)
Selwatscha, on 30 Aug 2017 - 2:19 PM, said:
I feel bad.
I just wanted to quietly come in, say im sorry...
I know im fucked up. I hope i didnt hurt you
It's ok, please don't feel bad. I completely understand where you were coming from. It is the nature of many eating disorders and I myself am guilty of thinking similar things about people here in the past. I guess I just really wish my pictures could express more than what they do at face value.
And thank you for removing the pictures, I really appreciate it xxx
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Posted 30 August 2017 - 05:02 PM
ana_phora, on 30 Aug 2017 - 09:36 AM, said:
Wow. These pictures really hit me somehow.
I'd love to look the way you look right now, and I feel like the worst person on earth for saying this, because it's not helping at all. Because I know that it's not a goal to spend a life like you do and I hope I don't offend you or anyone by saying this. I guess my mind is a bit twisted, too.
But it kills me that I can't help you and I'm horrified to think about the fact that you feel like you had to do this. It's not like you "start" and ED because of looks, but ... I'm trying to find the right words, haha ... it makes me so sad you think that you can't love yourself or even live with your body being at a normal weight. Because you were certainly not fat to begin with.
I hope your doctor's appointment goes well. You seem to have a great doctor and I'm sure he'll understand and won't make things worse. I don't believe they can lock you in if you don't want to. But it might not be the worse. I guess it's not something you feel, but I sometimes wish I could just give up and let someone else take control of my life. I bet I'd hate it after one minute, but I like the thought of it sometimes.
It makes me sad that you would want to look like me right now
A picture can't really convey what is going on in someones life I guess, but I wish it could. I didn't/don't feel good at either of these weights but the difference is that at my highest weight I still had a life. I struggle to think of a single good thing about my life currently. Family, friends and some of the most wonderful people I have ever met in my life on this site. That is about all that is good and none of those things are to do with me personally.
Thank you ❤
I used to think the exact same actually! I kind of wished that I would just be hospitalised or something so that someone else could control what I ate, but now the thought of that terrifies me to no end.
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Posted 30 August 2017 - 05:09 PM
JessicaX, on 30 Aug 2017 - 1:57 PM, said:
I also lost more than half my body weight so the before and after are similar. Difference with me is I lost it in three months and am older so I have loads of skin hanging about which is very unattractive. The thing is when I lost quickly I was exercising loads too .
You would look ideal midway between the two photos. Sorry for saying but like me you just look unhealthy/anorexic now whereas you were overweight before. You have good shape in both before and after - that is to say a smaller waist etc.
Whilst I know it's hard to stop playing the numbers game try and dwell on the reality of your skinniness now and how that looks to others. This has helped me gain at least some perspective and so I am more relaxed about not flushing till I'm dead or adding etc coffee creamer to coffee etc. I like you am terrified of losing control and so my natural inclination is to never cross a line but find something you are comfortable with - like the yoghurt - and build on it.
Hope all goes weplay tomorrow x x x x x x x x x x x x x
Goodness, 3 months! That is very quick, I can't imagine what kind of toll that took on you.
I'd say I looked ok, and felt alright at around 45-47kg. I actually had some muscle still and I didn't look "sick" so to speak. I hate wearing my illness so publicly, there really is no where to hide when you take things too far, as I bet you can probably relate to.
I'm going to try my best to keep working on keeping things down because I really don't want to keep losing more.
Thank you ❤
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Posted 30 August 2017 - 05:16 PM
Consumption, on 30 Aug 2017 - 2:16 PM, said:
For me, having followed this thread for 2 years now (I can't even believe it's been so long!) it actually makes me sad. I remember way back in 2015 when we "met" on here and were both doing an egg mono lol! You had lost weight but were still unhappy and you kept saying about how when you reached your goal you would be happier/able to go out/wear different things etc But now I look at the pics and see a beautiful girl that surpassed her goal weight but found neither happiness or attained the ability to love herself. So I don't look at you pics and think "goals" - I look at them and feel really sad that this disorder has robbed you of so many years. Years you can't get back, the time of your life you should be carefree and enjoying yourself.
Kudos my dear friend, I hardly post because I just have no words and I know nothing I say can make things better but I wish there was a way for me to show you what your missing. Like that movie from years ago (showing my age here!) Sliding doors... where you could see how both lives play out. I wish you could experience the feeling of just eating pizza and cake on your dads birthday and having no guilt, no after thought at all. Just to live each moment to its fullest, laugh, cry, all of it. The phrase "there's so much more to life" doesn't express the truth loudly enough. The amount of fat a person has or doesn't have on their body means nothing at all.
There's no real point to this post other than to sincerely send my love and even though we are strangers in real life I honestly just want you to be free of this and to have the happiness you deserve.
Rant/essay over! Much love sweet xx
Wow, 2 years! That is so much longer than I thought too! Good ol' egg mono's haha
Thank you so much. That was so beautifully written. I wish I could experience that feeling again; not caring about calories/weight and just enjoying the moment. I used to be able to do that but now I wonder how it was ever possible and how it could ever be possible again. I'm sure it is possible, there is just a very long and difficult road to travel down before I could ever get there.
Sending hugs and love back to you. I hope you're doing well with recovery ❤
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Posted 30 August 2017 - 05:25 PM
I also hope that the appointment at the doctors goes ok for you.
Take care of yourself
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Posted 30 August 2017 - 05:28 PM
Equal, on 30 Aug 2017 - 5:25 PM, said:
It makes me really sad to see how thin you are now. I thought your body around the 50 kg mark looked like 'goals' . I really hope that you manage to keep more down and don't lose anymore weight.
I also hope that the appointment at the doctors goes ok for you.
Take care of yourself
Aw, thank you so much Equal ❤❤❤
I hope you're doing ok x
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Posted 30 August 2017 - 08:13 PM
Kodos, on 30 Aug 2017 - 05:37 AM, said:
It's just incredibly sad to see people like that. I think you are right though, they would probably be happier with someone saying "I don't want to look like you", compared to "I want to look like you". I highly doubt anyone who has gone through having an ED would ever wish it upon anyone else.
It could help, but I mean I used to make meals and weigh every ingredient so that I could know the exact calories. I really want to make salads but I'd need to weight out the spinach, lettuce, pumpkin etc. All of which I can't do in my room. There just really is no avoiding any of the trigger foods and I would feel pretty selfish for asking my parents not to buy them or to get rid of them. I'll b/p on anything too, healthy or not. It just feels like there are too many obstacles in my way to be able to do it properly.
I'd really hope that it was higher because I don't think I would be very satisfied on such a small amount. That just seems like restricting to me, not the amount I should have to maintain. Thank you for the supportive words, it does help motivate me to want to try. Whether or not I can get myself to even try is another thing, but at least I am thinking about it I guess.
xxx
I don't think it would be selfish at all! I think if you are serious about making a change your parents/family will also have to make changes to help you. You wouldn't say a person who had a physical illness is selfish for asking their family to accommodate them, it's the same thing w/an ED the only difference is an ED is a mental illness. Otherwise have you thought about maybe buying a mini fridge? It might make it easier and it would probs be cheaper if you got it second hand from gumtree/etc.
I know there are lots of obstacles but I'm glad that you're at least thinking about it ♡.
Hope the doctors appointment goes well! Stay safe!
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Posted 30 August 2017 - 08:18 PM
Moonlightbae155, on 30 Aug 2017 - 8:13 PM, said:
I don't think it would be selfish at all! I think if you are serious about making a change your parents/family will also have to make changes to help you. You wouldn't say a person who had a physical illness is selfish for asking their family to accommodate them, it's the same thing w/an ED the only difference is an ED is a mental illness. Otherwise have you thought about maybe buying a mini fridge? It might make it easier and it would probs be cheaper if you got it second hand from gumtree/etc.
I know there are lots of obstacles but I'm glad that you're at least thinking about it ♡.
Hope the doctors appointment goes well! Stay safe!
That's true. I guess I would just feel selfish because it feels like I am doing this to myself on purpose, even though I can't stop when I try. I just hate the thought of my illness being a burden on anyone else but me.
A mini fridge probably wouldn't work too well for me. I bet I'd end up just storing binge food in it and nothing would be stopping me from eating any of the other food in the house anyway. It was a good idea though, thanks for trying to come up with some solutions
Thank you ♡♡♡
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Posted 31 August 2017 - 12:21 AM
DAY: 943 - Thursday
Today felt like a really good day and I think that had a lot to do with the weather. It's still cold here but today was really sunny and nice. I can't wait until Spring finally comes and we have more days like this because they make me feel a lot happier.
For the past 2 days I have been taking my supplements again. After the first day I gained, like I expected. But today I lost. I was 100% expecting to gain again but I was so glad I didn't. That may have only happened because I didn't b/p so much yesterday. Since it was my Dad's birthday yesterday, I was with family until late at night so I only had one night time b/p rather than the usual 3 or 4. I really want to go visit my Nana tonight so that I once again won't b/p so much but she is sick at the moment. I think she is on the mend though so I probably will go and risk getting sick myself. Honestly, I wouldn't mind getting sick anyway, it might even make me want to b/p even less. Although when I have been sick in the past I still b/p, but it might be easier to avoid... idk.
I had a mini victory today. It's small but it took a lot for me to do. I figured that eating oatmeal at lunch isn't helpful anymore because I have purged it so many times that I feel like I can never keep it down anymore. So today I decided to switch it up and make a smoothie. My mum was out of the house too so I could weigh everything out. I blended a banana, strawberries, 1/2 cup almond milk and some frozen blackberries. It came out to 162 calories, which is less than what my oatmeal would have been. It was SO good. I forgot how much I missed drinking smoothies. After I drank it I had to think up ways to distract myself so that I wouldn't purge. I did my hair and make up since I was going out to the doctors later on in the day. Then I went out grocery shopping because being around food helps for some reason? I managed to keep it down! Then when I got back from the grocery store I also had a yoghurt (127). I know it still isn't much but I felt proud of myself for not purging at lunch today.
I change my mind a lot about things so being proud of keeping that down today might turn into regret tomorrow. But for today, I do feel good about it.
This afternoon I went to the doctors and honestly, it ended up being a massive waste of time... and money! The doctor really seems to want me to take the anti depressants and I still refuse at this point. I said I didn't like the psych I saw and he had no idea who it even was. Which means that psych hasn't reported back to him yet. I told him I saw another psych through the job people I see and he said to keep seeing her for now if I am happy with her. He didn't make any other plans so I'm just out on my own I guess? He did say something along the lines of "I'm happy to just let you keep seeing this psych and not make any further plans yet, unless you're in immediate danger?". I said I wasn't. I said I was doing fine. He should probably know better than to take the word of someone with an eating disorder...
Anyway, we literally talked for about 5 minutes and then he didn't even bulk bill me so I had to pay for absolutely nothing to be done. I was a bit annoyed about that but I guess it's ok. And I guess everyone is just leaving me alone for a while now, which I guess is ok too. It's what I want but I know it isn't what I need.
My goal while I have this kind of rest period from talking to anyone about all of this, is to really focus on trying to get a job. If I can get a job and move away then I think things will get better. Maybe not, but living with the belief that they will is literally the only way I see myself getting out of this so I have to keep believing it.
Also, I know I still barely ate anything at all today, but I feel like I am so much more coherent. I guess a little can go a long way
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Posted 28 February 2018 - 07:29 AM
Kodos, on 27 Feb 2018 - 8:06 PM, said:
Aw, thank you so much for reading and for being here, I really appreciate it. <3
I hope you're doing well xxx
Aw that makes me happy and I am doing okay thank you <3 xxx
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Posted 28 February 2018 - 07:01 PM
You know what curiosity did to the cat, right?
I have re-eaten slightly digested food out of my vomit, directly out of the toilet. (and that still might not be the grossest thing)
I'm happy to hear you've got your room all set, And Especially that your job went so well! Yay! You're such a natural carer. <3
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Posted 28 February 2018 - 10:09 PM
Alex in Chains, on 28 Feb 2018 - 06:07 AM, said:
Do you think you'll be ready to open up to your family someday? I've been thinking about it, and I think bottling everything inside may be one of the reasons why it's so hard for you to gradually get better. I know you have all of us and we will still be here, but unfortunately all we can do is message you over the internet. I know this may seem terrifying or completely useless but if you really want to get better, and if you think about it longer, maybe it wouldn't seem like such a bad idea? A lot of the time, you can't do everything yourself, and that's a fact, because no matter how introverted or "together" we are, we really need people to help us sometimes.
Well, my immediate family (Mum, Dad and both sisters) know I have an ED. We just don't really talk about it though and that's the way I want to keep it because I get all emotional and feel like such an idiot when I talk openly about it. I feel better when everyone thinks I'm doing fine because then I don't look like a failure. There isn't much anyone else can do to help anyway, so I prefer to keep everything to myself.
You are right though, with support it would be much easier to get better and stay motivated. It's just that my family aren't the type of people I can open up to because I know they don't understand and I also just don't want to be a burden on their lives.
I am glad to have everyone here. You are right again though that we can only message but even just that does help me a lot.
x
tinycoww, on 28 Feb 2018 - 07:29 AM, said:
Aw that makes me happy and I am doing okay thank you <3 xxx
Your happiness makes me happy
I'm really glad to hear <3
1vy, on 28 Feb 2018 - 7:01 PM, said:
"Now I'm curious about your stories but don't feel pressured to share if you don't feel comfortable."
You know what curiosity did to the cat, right?
I have re-eaten slightly digested food out of my vomit, directly out of the toilet. (and that still might not be the grossest thing)
I'm happy to hear you've got your room all set, And Especially that your job went so well! Yay! You're such a natural carer. <3
This reminded me that I have done similar. I have taken pieces of vomit from the toilet and chewed them a bit to figure out exactly what food it was if it was something I couldn't recognise. Even that doesn't seem very gross to me though. We are so desenzitised to some pretty "gross by normie standards" stuff!
Aw, thank you! I have to care for the kids again tomorrow morning and I'm really looking forward to it
Hope your day is going well xxx
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Posted 28 February 2018 - 10:19 PM
DAY: 1,125 - Thursday
I'm back in the city now. I can't seem to ever make up my mind and I realised that I never know exactly what it is that I want. When I am in the city, all I want is to be home with my family. When I am with my family, all I want is to get away and be alone again. It seems I can never win in any situation.
This morning I b/p'ed at my parents home like I said I would since everyone was out. After that I had some frozen grapes and then made the two hour trip back to the city. When I got back I unpacked my bags, went out grocery shopping and now I'm pretty much just waiting for my housemate to go to work tonight so that I can b/p.
It will probably be another late night tonight because of b/p-ing even though I really should be getting my sleep. I've got to get up at 5am again tomorrow to child sit for the second time. After all the late nights, early mornings, loads of driving and the stress of everything, I am dead tired! Yet, even when I can rest, I choose to b/p instead. Or maybe it isn't a choice. I do it because I feel like I have no other choice. I can do it then or I can put it off and end up doing it later anyway and then hating myself because I could have done it earlier and then got to bed earlier too.
#4885
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Posted 01 March 2018 - 05:38 AM
aw it sounds like you're exhausting yourself right now i'm worried about you babe, hope things calm down a bit soon- you need to get some rest ♡
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Posted 01 March 2018 - 06:36 AM
Kodos, on 28 Feb 2018 - 10:09 PM, said:
I am glad to have everyone here. You are right again though that we can only message but even just that does help me a lot.
This reminded me that I have done similar. I have taken pieces of vomit from the toilet and chewed them a bit to figure out exactly what food it was if it was something I couldn't recognise. Even that doesn't seem very gross to me though. We are so desenzitised to some pretty "gross by normie standards" stuff!
I don't reply often but I'm also happy if I can help you. You deserve this support and it sucks when you can't get it from people around you
It's only gross when it's other people's vomit, right? 
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Posted 01 March 2018 - 04:36 PM
tinybelle, on 01 Mar 2018 - 05:38 AM, said:
aw it sounds like you're exhausting yourself right now
I really do, but I can't seems to prioritize sleep over b/p-ing. Things were never this bad and I don't know how I ended up being this way. It really does all just spiral out of control before you've even realised what's happened.
Thank you so much for being here <3 Please don't worry though, I'll be alright.
Hope you're doing well xxx
Durian, on 01 Mar 2018 - 06:36 AM, said:
I don't reply often but I'm also happy if I can help you. You deserve this support and it sucks when you can't get it from people around you
It's only gross when it's other people's vomit, right?
Thanks Durian!
I think I could get support from my family but I just don't want their support. I feel like a burden to the people around me if I complain or admit that I'm struggling. I just see this as my issue and one that I need to deal with myself. I probably make things harder on myself by doing that, but I can't change the way I feel about it.
Uh, yes! I think you're right haha
When it's your own it's like whatever, but other peoples... no, thanks 
Hope you're doing well x
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Posted 01 March 2018 - 04:39 PM
hope you get some much needed rest soon hun <3 you are in my thoughts
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Posted 01 March 2018 - 04:50 PM
I know that a lack of sleep definitely makes me feel much more out of control, and far more likely to b/p an excessive amount. I really hope you're able to get some more sleep soon. <3
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Posted 01 March 2018 - 05:59 PM
1vy, on 27 Feb 2018 - 3:58 PM, said:
Fyi - i think Everyone who b/p's has eaten food off the ground, and out of much worse places. I know i have. So you're not alone there. (I have some true horror stories, I'll refrain, but ask and you shall receive)
How is your place? Do you have your things unpacked/arranged? Do you like organizing your room, or is that a chore?
I hope the child sitting job goes well! I'll bet you're very good at caring for another, because you are always so kind.
I mean. Basically tru. I've eaten out of the trash, off plates in the sink, food from the floor/ground, really horribly tasting food cooked with the only 3 ingredients left in the house... u name it. B/P is satan
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Posted 01 March 2018 - 09:21 PM
Heisenburg.., on 01 Mar 2018 - 4:39 PM, said:
hope you get some much needed rest soon hun <3 you are in my thoughts
Thank you, Heis <3
Sorry I've not commented in your thread for ages! I still read but I never feel like I have anything purposeful to add.
I really hope March is a good month for you. xxx
Ada_Lovelace, on 01 Mar 2018 - 4:50 PM, said:
I know that a lack of sleep definitely makes me feel much more out of control, and far more likely to b/p an excessive amount. I really hope you're able to get some more sleep soon. <3
Thank you so much, Ada <3
I think I generally don't notice the tiredness too much because I'm just always tired. I wonder how being not tired would actually feel!
Hope you're doing alright xxx
dyingdarling, on 01 Mar 2018 - 5:59 PM, said:
I mean. Basically tru. I've eaten out of the trash, off plates in the sink, food from the floor/ground, really horribly tasting food cooked with the only 3 ingredients left in the house... u name it. B/P is satan
Basically, same haha
None of that grosses me out though. I bet if my mum knew the things I do she would be horrified! One time she said to me "what would you do if I banned you from b/p-ing in this house?". I said I would go out of the house to b/p instead. She said "Like in a public toilet?! Ew, that's disgusting". Little does she know I had already done that many times... Desperate times calls for desperate measures
Hope you've had a nice day xxx
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Posted 01 March 2018 - 10:26 PM
DAY: 1,125 - Friday
My weight is still 1kg higher than it should be. I'm starting to doubt that it's weight gain caused by hormones and that it happened because I'm just fat. If it isn't gone by tomorrow I am going to be really upset. So far I haven't let it bother me too much; probably because I've been worrying about literally everything else in my life instead.
This morning was an early start since I had to baby sit. Again, it was really fun! There were a few awkward moments like when the youngest one (3yo) came out of her room crying and saying she wanted her mum. I didn't really know how to comfort her because I feel like I am just a stranger and there isn't much I can do. I just kept telling her everything is alright and I got her favourite toy for her, a Minnie Mouse toy, and said "Minnie's tired and wants you to take her back to bed". She scuttled off back to sleep. Then I had trouble waking her because she just would not get up! I used Minnie again and said that "Minnie is hungry. What should we have for breakfast?". That seemed to get her up and going. I got them ready and off to school. The boy lost his tooth on the drive to school, so that was exciting. He also made me feel VERY old by saying "Nintendo was one of the first game consoles. It was made in the olden days".
I then went grocery shopping and when I got home and put my grapes and yoghurt in the freezer. Then I studied for a bit until it was "lunch time", which isn't really at any set time but that's alright (I think?).
I literally just left this mid-sentence and went to binge. I'm binging while typing this... that's a first for me! I don't know where my housemate went or if he is coming back soon. I guess I don't really care. Yesterday was the first time I purged while he was in the house too and now it feels like something I can do more, which isn't a good thing. I really don't know what I can do to get myself out of this mess. To be honest, I still haven't really tried. I give up very easily and I don't have much motivating me to want to stop all the b/p-ing. Well, money is a big reason but even then I just turn a blind eye and ignore how much this disorder costs me. I guess I'll stop when I have no money left... maybe?
In the evening's I find myself getting really depressed and I hate to say it, suicidal. I just can't see a future without my ED, but I also can't see a future with it. It just feels like if this is all that life has to offer me, then I don't really want to be here.
#4893
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Posted 01 March 2018 - 11:22 PM
Hey, I just wanted to say please don't stop trying. I don't want to sound naggy or anything like that, but I think you know that you need to recover, and you might want to consider getting professional help. It is insanely hard to try to recover by yourself, because you need to let your body recover and gain weight before your mind can, but your disordered mind is basically doing everything it can to stop your body from gaining weight. Even if you don't see it right now, there is so much still to live for and there are so many experiences that you haven't gone through yet.
Remember how optimistic you were about recovering once you moved out? Don't let that go. Take it and run with it. I know it's hard, but maybe try telling your family that you need professional help? Even if they're not doing it in the right way, it's clear that they do love you and that they want to help you recover but they just don't know how, and I'm sure they would try to get you actual help if you requested it.
I really hope you manage to get yourself out of this disorder <3
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#4894 Guest_Alex in Chains_*
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Posted 01 March 2018 - 11:28 PM
You seemed to do a great job with the kids!
And I definitely agree with the above, before moving out I remember how excited you were about a new start and getting better. Of course it was much harder than you expected it to be, because it is hard, but don't forget that it is something that you want deep inside, even though your ED and the fear of losing it are stopping you from realizing it. There really is more to life than your ED, and you can experience it, just don't lost hope, because that's always the only and most important thing left.
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Posted 02 March 2018 - 11:11 AM
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Posted 02 March 2018 - 06:46 PM
And I’m not sure if this helps but there’s this book called “brain over binge” they recently made a podcast of it and it’s available on the apple podcast app however o think it would be available on other phones/over the Internet. Maybe you could give it a listen and see if it helps? I haven’t read the book or listened to the podcast but I’ve heard some people talking about it saying it helped them.
Also, as for the the binging, like I said. No point beating yourself up about it. It would be unrealistic to think that moving out would magically put an end to it. But you can do this. I think if you make small changes overtime (they don’t even have to be foodwise they could be scale wise) that would be a huge step. I know you said you don’t see life with or without your ED but it really doesn’t seem like you’re wnjoying life rn as it is (sorry if that sounds harsh). I would hate to see you miss out or something bad happen to you
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Posted 02 March 2018 - 07:42 PM
Cagedjewel, on 01 Mar 2018 - 11:22 PM, said:
Hey, I just wanted to say please don't stop trying. I don't want to sound naggy or anything like that, but I think you know that you need to recover, and you might want to consider getting professional help. It is insanely hard to try to recover by yourself, because you need to let your body recover and gain weight before your mind can, but your disordered mind is basically doing everything it can to stop your body from gaining weight. Even if you don't see it right now, there is so much still to live for and there are so many experiences that you haven't gone through yet.
Remember how optimistic you were about recovering once you moved out? Don't let that go. Take it and run with it. I know it's hard, but maybe try telling your family that you need professional help? Even if they're not doing it in the right way, it's clear that they do love you and that they want to help you recover but they just don't know how, and I'm sure they would try to get you actual help if you requested it.
I really hope you manage to get yourself out of this disorder <3
I feel like I've already let that optimism go. I don't really believe in myself anymore because none of this went how I thought it would and I just feel miserable. Any little good things I had in my life are back at home, there is nothing good here. I'm really struggling. You are right that I should seek professional help, but I just don't want to. I want to be able to do this own my own but I can't. I've got myself stuck and I can't seem to change my mindset to want whats best for me.
Thank you for all the advice and for remaining positive about my situation, it means a lot that you care enough to try to help me. <3
Alex in Chains, on 01 Mar 2018 - 11:28 PM, said:
You seemed to do a great job with the kids!
And I definitely agree with the above, before moving out I remember how excited you were about a new start and getting better. Of course it was much harder than you expected it to be, because it is hard, but don't forget that it is something that you want deep inside, even though your ED and the fear of losing it are stopping you from realizing it. There really is more to life than your ED, and you can experience it, just don't lost hope, because that's always the only and most important thing left.
Thank you
I look back at that now and realise how stupid I was to think going back to uni/moving out was going to help me. I can't do this own my own but I also can't bring myself to ask for help. I'm stuck and I don't know for how much longer I can take it.
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Sadsnowflake, on 02 Mar 2018 - 11:11 AM, said:
I feel like the only time I comment here is when I give advice like some sort of overprotective mother and i’m very sorry about that. HOWEVER, I think you’re already doing a lot better than you did at home because your b/p’s are less in terms of frequency per day. Maybe by 1 or 2 b/p’s but it’s still less damaging which is great. I think what you need to do is create a list of places/times you don’t b/p in. For instance, maybe you never b/p at a certain restaurant, so write that down in your list. You love making lists and spreadsheets and you like data written and analysed in front of you (at least that’s what i noticed from your entries and graphs) and that’s something we both have in common. I think making the list will make you realise you’re stronger than you believe you are AND it will definitely motivate you to add more to it. I think it’s completely manageable because it will be something you enjoy and it doesnt require interaction with food/water/exercise so it wont be so pressuring of massive of you to do. Even if you come up with one or two places, it’s a start and it’s a great one!
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No need to apologise, I truly always appreciate your messages so much <3
I might be b/p-ing 1-2 times less each day, but I feel SO much worse now mentally. I'm finding it hard to keep track of the days and even harder to even remember how many times I b/p-ed each day. Everything is a blur. You just reminded me that I didn't even make my graphs for this month too. I honestly just can't be bothered to do anything anymore.
I do like your idea but I don't really eat out often at all. The only time I go to restaurants is for family birthday's and I couldn't imagine not purging after a big restaurant meal.
Thank you for the positivity. It means a lot that you think I'm doing a bit better, but I feel like I'm really doing much worse unfortunately.
Hope you're doing alright and having a great weekend <3
Moonlightbae155, on 02 Mar 2018 - 6:46 PM, said:
I’m glad you’re enjoying minding the kids. I think you did a great job with the 3yo by the way! Distraction is always a great technique
And I’m not sure if this helps but there’s this book called “brain over binge” they recently made a podcast of it and it’s available on the apple podcast app however o think it would be available on other phones/over the Internet. Maybe you could give it a listen and see if it helps? I haven’t read the book or listened to the podcast but I’ve heard some people talking about it saying it helped them.
Also, as for the the binging, like I said. No point beating yourself up about it. It would be unrealistic to think that moving out would magically put an end to it. But you can do this. I think if you make small changes overtime (they don’t even have to be foodwise they could be scale wise) that would be a huge step. I know you said you don’t see life with or without your ED but it really doesn’t seem like you’re wnjoying life rn as it is (sorry if that sounds harsh). I would hate to see you miss out or something bad happen to you
Aw, thank you
I've looked into the book before but I don't think it's something that could help me. I feel like I know all of the "how to stop binging" tips but I can't put them into practice regardless.
It doesn't sound harsh at all, you're spot on. I hate my life. It isn't even really a life at all. But something keeps me in it and living this way as much as I wish I could change things.
Hope you're doing well xxx
PollyFucket, on 02 Mar 2018 - 6:52 PM, said:
this,
take time to relax and just exist, you deserve it
Thank you <3
The only problem is that when I relax, I think and too much thinking is a really bad thing for me. I'll try to rest though.
I hope you're having a nice weekend x
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Posted 31 July 2018 - 07:26 PM
Durian, on 31 Jul 2018 - 03:57 AM, said:
The downside is that I stopped everything myself and that people don't understand that. Now they say it's my own fault that I'm not getting any help. But really, this 'help' wasn't exactly helping either. And when help isn't helping, people always tell me it's my own fault. Because therapists are perfect apparently? Everything they have to know is in my files, what I tell them doesn't even matter.
Good luck with writing down everything! I know it's hard, but I know you can do it!
Good parents shouldn't just raise you and stop supporting you when you're 18. They should be there for you all your life.
They will definitely need to make some changes to their lives but it only shows their love for you! But imagine what could happen if you continue like this. You might get a heart attack and survive, ending up needing medical attention 24/7. That would be even worse.
Y.'s father had been sick for 7 years until passing away 3 weeks ago. Her mom had to give up everything to be there for him 24/7. It's tough, but she did it with love. Your parents would be the same. And maybe it even brings you closer together? It doesn't have to be all bad. You can ask to do things together that doesn't involve food. I'm sure they would love to spend more time with you. I wanna encourage you to socialise more. Even if you have to go IP... It would be an opportunity to make new friends. I think you can be quite social, when around the right people. I'm the same. And like I said before: Try to find people from MPA(/EDC) who live nearby and meet up with them. Those meetups don't involve food either, because the other person wouldn't want it as well
It's not your fault, I promise <3
I wish they would listen to you. It's awful when you go to get help and it feels like no one even takes any notice of what you say. It's really unprofessional and shouldn't be tolerated in jobs where people's lives are literally at stake.
That's very sweet of her to give up her time to look after her loved one. It takes a strong and kind person to be able to do that for someone.
I'll try to do more things but I feel like I'm just going to want to hide away from everyone for several reasons. The biggest reasons being that I feel like such a massive failure and I don't want to have to face everyone and have them ask me why I moved back home and stopped going to uni. Also if/when I start gaining weight I bet I'll want to hide away then too. I'm really not looking forward to all that is about to happen...
xxx
Brooklynbb9983, on 31 Jul 2018 - 08:23 AM, said:
Reaching out for help, finally saying enough is enough-- you're just such an inspiration to me and obviously so many other people. You're in my thoughts. Xo
That's such a kind thing to say, I truly appreciate it. Thank you so so much for the support <3
Wishing you all the best and sending loads of love and hugs your way xxx
Poison Pixie 666, on 31 Jul 2018 - 4:44 PM, said:
Hey sweetie. I know u mentioned having lots of things to mention to ur folks about ur ed and about being realistic. I don't know whether it would help but I co-authoured 2 chapters in a book about how to talk to ur parents about ur ed and a chapter for parents on how to broach a child with Ed and how to appropriately respond. I could send u some of the things that u might want to mention, so that the family dynamics stay more peaceful, if u think it would be helpful? Just wanted to say again for truly proud I am babes. Xxx
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That would be amazing! I'd absolutely love to read it and I think it certainly would be helpful right about now.
Thank you so much. I couldn't have done it without all the support you and many others here have given me <3
xxxx
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Posted 01 August 2018 - 12:12 AM
DAY: 1,275 - Wednesday
I seem to already be regretting what I've done. That sure didn't take long... I can't take it all back now though.
I'm feeling awful. I literally just destroyed all that I had worked so hard to keep. I've let the parents of the kids I babysit know that I will no longer be able to work. My last day will be next Tuesday. I've applied for a leave of absence from uni. I'll be moving out next Wednesday. And now I have nothing yet again. I feel empty and so much like I've completely failed absolutely everything.
The thing that really upset me was something my mum said to me last night. She said "make sure you get a reference from the babysitting job. You could look for another babysitting job when you get home". I can, yes. But I am moving home because I feel like I can't deal with everything right now. My family is the type that really only sees value in a person as long as they are doing something productive with their life. I'm not allowed to be doing nothing and since I am not studying, I need to be working. Even if I feel like I can't because if I'm doing nothing then I'm lazy and I'm a failure. I swear I am just never going to be good enough. Maybe I just wasn't meant for life and this illness is natural selections way of getting rid of me.
I've lost it all. I should have just kept going like I always do.
I'm sorry for thinking this way after you've all been so encouraging and supportive. I wish I wasn't thinking like this but I just can't help it right now and I won't lie about how I'm truly feeling. I just honestly have zero clue what the future holds for me right now and I'm struggling to see the positives.
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Posted 01 August 2018 - 12:42 AM
Oh hun <3 Don't feel this way. You've taken a great and courageous step. You're definitely not meant to die and this illness is not nature's way of getting rid of you.
Of course you're feeling in doubt right now, and this will happen to you many more times. You have a voice in your head that's very demanding. Basically, in order to get better, you have to give up most of the "rules" that you've been living by for the last couple of years. So of course, this is not without consequences. You'll often be torn between what you want to do and feel like you need to do and think you can or can't do, because there is no right and wrong if everything's right and everything's wrong in a way.
Sorry, that made zero sense, probably. All I wanted to let you know is that I think that you're definitely doing the right thing. Think about why you made the choices you made. You will be okay. You can do this. You will have to give up and let go of a lot of things, but you will get so much in return.
Sending hugs ! xx
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Posted 01 August 2018 - 01:30 AM
Kodos, on 01 Aug 2018 - 12:12 AM, said:
I feel empty and so much like I've completely failed absolutely everything.
The thing that really upset me was something my mum said to me last night. She said "make sure you get a reference from the babysitting job. You could look for another babysitting job when you get home". I can, yes. But I am moving home because I feel like I can't deal with everything right now. My family is the type that really only sees value in a person as long as they are doing something productive with their life. I'm not allowed to be doing nothing and since I am not studying, I need to be working. Even if I feel like I can't because if I'm doing nothing then I'm lazy and I'm a failure. I swear I am just never going to be good enough. Maybe I just wasn't meant for life and this illness is natural selections way of getting rid of me.
I completely empathise with how you're feeling about temporarily putting these things on hold - it sucks to be in a family where you're expected to always be working towards something but you're not quitting, you're not lazy, and you're not failing anything. In fact, if you were to keep up with ED I'd argue that you may possibly failing at living (and ain't that the biggest fail of them all?! )
As for your mum insinuating you get a job immediately, it might be worth testing the waters by saying something along the lines of:
"Yes, it'd be great to get a reference from them so that I can look for another babysitting job once I've had some time to work on myself and my recovery, so it won't be immediately, but it's something I look forward to reengaging in once I'm in a better place physically and mentally." and then take it from there. If she doesn't accept that response, it's her values that are the problem, not you. You are not lazy, or selfish, or a failure. If some who is seriously medically compromised is still expected to pull the same "weight" in the family as an able-bodied person, then it's the family system that's dysfunctional and that's a whole other kettle of fish.
Getting better is the most productive thing you should be doing now. It's difficult because it seems like delayed gratification in a way, it's not like working where you get a regular pay check thus continual reinforcement that you are "being productive", but in the long run it's a far better thing to invest in than pushing your body to the limit. Productivity is a construct and it's subjective and even if you were studying/working/whatever... would you honestly feel good enough? Reading back through your pages from when you were doing these things, there still seemed to be a pervasive sense of inadequacy and I wish I could say something to change that but you have to hear it from yourself before you'll believe that you're "enough".
You don't need to earn your place in this world, but just feeling like you need to contribute just demonstrates what a lovely and selfless person you are, Kodos. Even though you mightn't be able to see it, the world needs more people like you.
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Posted 01 August 2018 - 04:14 AM
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Posted 01 August 2018 - 04:24 AM
I understand what you're saying, I think that's a lot of people's mindsets in general life nowadays.
As your mom doesn't have an ED, I assume she doesn't fully understand everything. What I've realized is that anybody who doesn't have one, doesn't know just how much it takes over your life. I guess now you've told her the worst part, you can go ahead and tell her that you're not okay to work. Explain everything in detail. Whenever you're ready of course. <3
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Posted 01 August 2018 - 04:54 AM
i think it is normal to have second guesses. i'm so glad you sent the email asking your mom for help though, that was the first and biggest step. you aren't a failure. perhaps your mom just meant to get a reference for when you are better and not work right away. i'm sure you can talk to her about your thoughts around working and how you can't work for a while while you focus on getting your health back. thinking of you.
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Posted 01 August 2018 - 07:10 AM
Kodos, on 31 Jul 2018 - 7:26 PM, said:
It's not your fault, I promise <3
I wish they would listen to you. It's awful when you go to get help and it feels like no one even takes any notice of what you say. It's really unprofessional and shouldn't be tolerated in jobs where people's lives are literally at stake.
That's very sweet of her to give up her time to look after her loved one. It takes a strong and kind person to be able to do that for someone.
I'll try to do more things but I feel like I'm just going to want to hide away from everyone for several reasons. The biggest reasons being that I feel like such a massive failure and I don't want to have to face everyone and have them ask me why I moved back home and stopped going to uni. Also if/when I start gaining weight I bet I'll want to hide away then too. I'm really not looking forward to all that is about to happen...
xxx
Thanks, you're so sweet <3
I always felt those 'professionals' were very unprofessional. But they always get away with it by sending me away and writing down that I didn't want any help anymore, or I end up quitting myself with the same results.
She was definitely strong and kind for her husband! Too bad not for everybody though. She never really liked me for example. Her dad was way different. Always trying to look for the good things in people. Y. and I often had fights because of our mental problems. Her mom always blamed me but her dad wanted to mediate instead. He didn't judge us. He was truly a saint and I miss him
Please don't hide too much. There's no need to feel ashamed even though I can understand that feeling. Even the strongest people need to take a step back sometimes. And you're definitely strong, even though you feel weak. Hiding away won't help you. It will only hinder your progress. You need to actively do things, distract yourself. Try to stay out of your bedroom as much as possible. Only use it to sleep in and nothing else. It used to be the place you purged and hiding there will only trigger binges. During the worst part of my depression, early 2016, I stayed in my bedroom all the time. I was just playing games on my laptop and Playstation there. I made some progress and moved the Playstation to the living room and some months later Pokémon Go came out so I started playing that instead. I hope you can manage to do something similar.
And like you said before: Definitely explain that weight gain doesn't improve your mental health, but makes it worse instead. That's one of the most important things they have to know.
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Posted 01 August 2018 - 09:38 AM
sorren, on 01 Aug 2018 - 01:30 AM, said:
I completely empathise with how you're feeling about temporarily putting these things on hold - it sucks to be in a family where you're expected to always be working towards something but you're not quitting, you're not lazy, and you're not failing anything. In fact, if you were to keep up with ED I'd argue that you may possibly failing at living (and ain't that the biggest fail of them all?!
As for your mum insinuating you get a job immediately, it might be worth testing the waters by saying something along the lines of:
"Yes, it'd be great to get a reference from them so that I can look for another babysitting job once I've had some time to work on myself and my recovery, so it won't be immediately, but it's something I look forward to reengaging in once I'm in a better place physically and mentally." and then take it from there. If she doesn't accept that response, it's her values that are the problem, not you. You are not lazy, or selfish, or a failure. If some who is seriously medically compromised is still expected to pull the same "weight" in the family as an able-bodied person, then it's the family system that's dysfunctional and that's a whole other kettle of fish.
Getting better is the most productive thing you should be doing now. It's difficult because it seems like delayed gratification in a way, it's not like working where you get a regular pay check thus continual reinforcement that you are "being productive", but in the long run it's a far better thing to invest in than pushing your body to the limit. Productivity is a construct and it's subjective and even if you were studying/working/whatever... would you honestly feel good enough? Reading back through your pages from when you were doing these things, there still seemed to be a pervasive sense of inadequacy and I wish I could say something to change that but you have to hear it from yourself before you'll believe that you're "enough".
You don't need to earn your place in this world, but just feeling like you need to contribute just demonstrates what a lovely and selfless person you are, Kodos. Even though you mightn't be able to see it, the world needs more people like you.
I wanted to say something but sorren worded it perfectly already
But I would like to add a few things. Getting a reference from your babysit is always a good thing. You can always go babysitting when you're strong enough.
Recovery is a study on it's own and needs your full attention. What sucks is that people can't see the results, they can't see how hard you're trying and you won't get a diploma. It feels very lonely. Things parents say hurt the most, I know this from experience. But even though they know you really well, they don't know how you feel and what it's like to have an eating disorder.
You're taking a break from things that are important for others, but you're just doing it so you can do it better later.
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Kodos, on 09 Jul 2018 - 12:22 AM, said:
I was thinking about motivation in terms of myself and I realise that I have nothing that motivates me like many of these recovery channels talk about. They manage to push away ED thoughts by listing good things in their life like their partner, the prospects of having children, a dream etc. I have nothing to get better for. Literally nothing. And I know people will look at my life and say "you have so many things to get better for". But I truly don't. I have no partner and I'll probably be alone forever (which is fine) so I don't even need to worry about potentially not being able to have kids. I have no job. No one would hire me when I tried for years because I'm useless. I have a degree but it's just as useless as me and the one I am studying for now will probably end up being useless too. My dreams were crushed a million times over so I learned to accept that they weren't meant to be. No one depends on me or needs me around. I may as well be dead already because I basically am. I contribute nothing to society. I barely go out of the house. I pretty much don't exist and the world carries on just fine. Why would I try to get better if there is nothing to get better for?
None of this upsets me though. I'm completely fine with that being how it is. There's no point in getting sad over it. I'm just waiting for death to release me from living in this daily hell.
Kodos, on 01 Aug 2018 - 12:12 AM, said:
The thing that really upset me was something my mum said to me last night. She said "make sure you get a reference from the babysitting job. You could look for another babysitting job when you get home". I can, yes. But I am moving home because I feel like I can't deal with everything right now. My family is the type that really only sees value in a person as long as they are doing something productive with their life. I'm not allowed to be doing nothing and since I am not studying, I need to be working. Even if I feel like I can't because if I'm doing nothing then I'm lazy and I'm a failure. I swear I am just never going to be good enough. Maybe I just wasn't meant for life and this illness is natural selections way of getting rid of me.
I've lost it all. I should have just kept going like I always do.
I'm sorry for thinking this way after you've all been so encouraging and supportive. I wish I wasn't thinking like this but I just can't help it right now and I won't lie about how I'm truly feeling. I just honestly have zero clue what the future holds for me right now and I'm struggling to see the positives.
Hi Kodos, I've been a lurker on your thread for awhile, but this is my first time posting something...
I'm really sorry you're struggling so much right now, I wish I could give you a massive hug!
I understand how you feel about your recovery and your future (I especially relate to those 2 posts I quoted above). I'm in the exact same boat. I feel pretty hopeless most of the time and I don't have many reasons to get better (I'm single, unemployed, no social life, no dreams...) I don't want this to turn into a self-pity party, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I'm sure many people feel like this, too.
I may sound quite pessimistic, but despite everything I just said, I still think giving recovery a chance could really turn your life around. I'm so glad you reached out for help and contacted your mom. However, if for some reason your family can't offer you what you need, maybe you could seek some external support (physician, therapist, clinic, etc.)
I'm rooting for you! <3<3
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Posted 01 August 2018 - 11:04 AM
Hey, I hope my last post wasn't too negative... I don't want to upset/discourage you.
You're in my thoughts, hun xx
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Posted 01 August 2018 - 01:00 PM
wow
I just caught up on the past week and so much has happened!
First of all, I'm sorry I wasn't around after the incident with the police and the emotional stress that ensued. But I feel that anything I wanted to say has been said.
Second, I am so proud and happy for you that you reached out. That post brought actual tears to my eyes.
As for your parents, I suggest giving them some articles and stuff to read so that they can better understand what you're going through. Make sure you communicate the way you feel to them. If it feels like too much or you need extra help with food, tell them.
Your mum said you could get a job. That doesn't mean she expects you to get one right away or to work full time. Maybe once you're working with your doctor(s) and are in a better head space, you'll want a job and the reference. She could be referring to that.
Your mum also said she was here for you, multiple times. She wants to help and she loves you, even when you're sick and not working. Your family is here for you and will help you as much as they can if you'll let them. They just need to know how.
You are not a failure. You have done so much this week and your future looks brighter than it has in a long time. You are not a failure and we are all so proud of you.
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Posted 01 August 2018 - 04:09 PM
As you may or may not recall, but few of your followers do, my wife is seriously ill, and will die early of her disease.
Every time she needs to go to the hospital, I think to myself "this is silly, she's perfectly fine!"
I don't think this because I imagine my wife is exaggerating, lying, or malingering. I think it because my mind has never fully encompassed her disease. I have to force myself to accept the truth of it over, and over again. Because I don't want the person I love most on this earth to be so truly ill.
I think it's entirely possible your mother is just not accepting that you are truly ill yet. And she may not for awhile. Even you are still struggling to accept this yourself, and you know everything, and have known a long time.
Just a thought.
Please keep at it. You're doing a great job.
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Posted 01 August 2018 - 09:06 PM
ana_phora, on 01 Aug 2018 - 12:42 AM, said:
Oh hun <3 Don't feel this way. You've taken a great and courageous step. You're definitely not meant to die and this illness is not nature's way of getting rid of you.
Of course you're feeling in doubt right now, and this will happen to you many more times. You have a voice in your head that's very demanding. Basically, in order to get better, you have to give up most of the "rules" that you've been living by for the last couple of years. So of course, this is not without consequences. You'll often be torn between what you want to do and feel like you need to do and think you can or can't do, because there is no right and wrong if everything's right and everything's wrong in a way.
Sorry, that made zero sense, probably. All I wanted to let you know is that I think that you're definitely doing the right thing. Think about why you made the choices you made. You will be okay. You can do this. You will have to give up and let go of a lot of things, but you will get so much in return.
Sending hugs ! xx
It actually makes complete sense to me. Thank you so much for the reassurance, I really needed it. <3
Sending loads of hugs right back to you xxx
sorren, on 01 Aug 2018 - 01:30 AM, said:
I completely empathise with how you're feeling about temporarily putting these things on hold - it sucks to be in a family where you're expected to always be working towards something but you're not quitting, you're not lazy, and you're not failing anything. In fact, if you were to keep up with ED I'd argue that you may possibly failing at living (and ain't that the biggest fail of them all?!
As for your mum insinuating you get a job immediately, it might be worth testing the waters by saying something along the lines of:
"Yes, it'd be great to get a reference from them so that I can look for another babysitting job once I've had some time to work on myself and my recovery, so it won't be immediately, but it's something I look forward to reengaging in once I'm in a better place physically and mentally." and then take it from there. If she doesn't accept that response, it's her values that are the problem, not you. You are not lazy, or selfish, or a failure. If some who is seriously medically compromised is still expected to pull the same "weight" in the family as an able-bodied person, then it's the family system that's dysfunctional and that's a whole other kettle of fish.
Getting better is the most productive thing you should be doing now. It's difficult because it seems like delayed gratification in a way, it's not like working where you get a regular pay check thus continual reinforcement that you are "being productive", but in the long run it's a far better thing to invest in than pushing your body to the limit. Productivity is a construct and it's subjective and even if you were studying/working/whatever... would you honestly feel good enough? Reading back through your pages from when you were doing these things, there still seemed to be a pervasive sense of inadequacy and I wish I could say something to change that but you have to hear it from yourself before you'll believe that you're "enough".
You don't need to earn your place in this world, but just feeling like you need to contribute just demonstrates what a lovely and selfless person you are, Kodos. Even though you mightn't be able to see it, the world needs more people like you.
Thank you so much for all of this. I truly appreciate all the kindness you have shown me and the reassurance really helps right now. I'll see if I can somehow be brave enough to talk it over with my mum. I often struggle to bring up anything that bothers or worries me to people and rather I just internalise it and take it out on myself. Not the best way to cope with such situations but it's kind of all I've ever known how to do.
The world most definitely needs more people like you too. I'm just beyond glad that I was somehow lucky enough to get to have you in my life <3
xxx
Poison Pixie 666, on 01 Aug 2018 - 03:16 AM, said:
Firstly I wanted to say that u have no need to apologise for ur thoughts and feelings hun. They r yours and this is ur place to express them. Secondly I agree with everything @anaphora and @soreen said. I can completely relate to feeling like a failure, like everything u worked for is falling apart. U have had to stop everything!!! BUT!!!! It's honestly just like pressing the pause button babes. It's like acknowledging that other things have to stop for a while to focus on one big thing. I promise you that everything can be unpaused just as quickly hun. I have had multiple IP trips while at uni, meaning every now and then, my work and other aspects of my life have had to be temporarily put on hold. The minute ur well, u can pick it all back up hun. Ur so young and there are so many years ahead hun, that the last thing u should be thinking is that u ruined ur life. Besides, u wouldn't have been able to carry on like nothing's wrong babes coz eventually something would have happened and then everything would have been out of ur hands. At least this way, ur the one in control hun. I'm sorry ur in so much turmoil right now hun. Thinking of u always and sending u all the love, hope and hugs I can muster xxxxx
Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk
Thank you so much for the reassurance, it really helps. You're right, I know I couldn't have kept going on the way I was because eventually something terrible was bound to happen. I should try to remind myself that the thought of things is usually worse than the actual thing itself. Past experience has proven this time and time again so I need to stop worrying so much.
Thinking of you too and sending loads of love and hugs your way xxxx
yetanotheramy, on 01 Aug 2018 - 04:14 AM, said:
My family is very similar I think part of it is not being able to comprehend the severity of your illness too. You are moving home because you are incredibly unwell. It isn't a matter of sucking it up cause if you kept going the way things are you will die. Perhaps when you see a Dr getting a medical certificate stating you are unable to work might help with that side because in all honesty you shouldn't be working right now . You have absolutely made the right decision and I hope seeing a professional next week helps enforce that
I'm sorry your family has similar values. It makes it really difficult on a person when you feel like you're forever chasing some kind of standard imposed by the people you love. I'll definitely try to get a medical certificate.
Thank you for the reassurance, I really appreciate it <3
Hope you are doing well xxx
whitehorse, on 01 Aug 2018 - 04:24 AM, said:
I understand what you're saying, I think that's a lot of people's mindsets in general life nowadays.
As your mom doesn't have an ED, I assume she doesn't fully understand everything. What I've realized is that anybody who doesn't have one, doesn't know just how much it takes over your life. I guess now you've told her the worst part, you can go ahead and tell her that you're not okay to work. Explain everything in detail. Whenever you're ready of course. <3
That's very true. I guess because I've also kept it mostly hidden, they really don't know the full extent. They probably still think I eat outside of b/p-ing and that I only b/p at night. When the truth is all I do it b/p almost every waking moment from morning to night. Part o me doesn't want to tell them the truth because I feel like I need to be able to go back to it if I want to in the future. Which is absolutely a terrible way to look at things but I can't help my mind from thinking it.
Thank you for giving some rationale to the situation, I really do appreciate it.
Hope you are well and sending you loads of love xxx
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Posted 01 August 2018 - 09:26 PM
uponanaswings, on 01 Aug 2018 - 04:54 AM, said:
i think it is normal to have second guesses. i'm so glad you sent the email asking your mom for help though, that was the first and biggest step. you aren't a failure. perhaps your mom just meant to get a reference for when you are better and not work right away. i'm sure you can talk to her about your thoughts around working and how you can't work for a while while you focus on getting your health back. thinking of you.
Thank you so much. Maybe you're right. I usually do give people the benefit of the doubt so I should have also done so in this situation too.
Hope you are doing alright and having a wonderful day xxx
Durian, on 01 Aug 2018 - 09:38 AM, said:
I wanted to say something but sorren worded it perfectly already
But I would like to add a few things. Getting a reference from your babysit is always a good thing. You can always go babysitting when you're strong enough.
Recovery is a study on it's own and needs your full attention. What sucks is that people can't see the results, they can't see how hard you're trying and you won't get a diploma. It feels very lonely. Things parents say hurt the most, I know this from experience. But even though they know you really well, they don't know how you feel and what it's like to have an eating disorder.
You're taking a break from things that are important for others, but you're just doing it so you can do it better later.
Thank you so much, Durian <3
I appreciate you giving me some reassurance, it seriously helps!
Hope you're doing alright xxx
laulau77, on 01 Aug 2018 - 10:57 AM, said:
Hi Kodos, I've been a lurker on your thread for awhile, but this is my first time posting something...
I'm really sorry you're struggling so much right now, I wish I could give you a massive hug!
I understand how you feel about your recovery and your future (I especially relate to those 2 posts I quoted above). I'm in the exact same boat. I feel pretty hopeless most of the time and I don't have many reasons to get better (I'm single, unemployed, no social life, no dreams...) I don't want this to turn into a self-pity party, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I'm sure many people feel like this, too.
I may sound quite pessimistic, but despite everything I just said, I still think giving recovery a chance could really turn your life around. I'm so glad you reached out for help and contacted your mom. However, if for some reason your family can't offer you what you need, maybe you could seek some external support (physician, therapist, clinic, etc.)
I'm rooting for you! <3<3
Aw, thank you so much <3
Please don't worry, I didn't find it negative or discouraging at all. I prefer to be realistic. I'm so sorry that you are in a similar boat. It's truly awful to feel like you have nothing in life but in saying that, I guess we need to get better in order to find the things that will give our lives meaning. How can we improve our lives when we are ill? We need to be well before we can improve it, as difficult as that sounds. I've always felt like I needed a reason to get better so maybe our reason could simply just be so that we can find more meaning in our lives once we are well.
Sending loads of love your way xxx
StrungOut, on 01 Aug 2018 - 11:02 AM, said:
I totally understand the way you feel. But giving your mother the benefit of the doubt that she was referring to some time a few months away when you are in a better mental and physical state. You sound like you have a natural talent for dealing with children and they loved you. It's something you can always go back to doing when you are ready. Or not. But you are honestly totally doing the responsible thing right now. Imagine if you passed out or worse while taking care of them? Or even while driving them? Also very wise to take the leave before classes begin. It would be so much worse to have to leave mid-semester or collapse during the placement etc. Your mind will fight you so hard with all of this. Please hang in there!
I'll try not to read too much into it. You are right, she could have meant in the future. Thank you so much for the reassurance and support, I can't even express to you how much I appreciate it <3
Sending loads of love to you xxx
IceKiss, on 01 Aug 2018 - 1:00 PM, said:
wow
I just caught up on the past week and so much has happened!
First of all, I'm sorry I wasn't around after the incident with the police and the emotional stress that ensued. But I feel that anything I wanted to say has been said.
Second, I am so proud and happy for you that you reached out. That post brought actual tears to my eyes.
As for your parents, I suggest giving them some articles and stuff to read so that they can better understand what you're going through. Make sure you communicate the way you feel to them. If it feels like too much or you need extra help with food, tell them.
Your mum said you could get a job. That doesn't mean she expects you to get one right away or to work full time. Maybe once you're working with your doctor(s) and are in a better head space, you'll want a job and the reference. She could be referring to that.
Your mum also said she was here for you, multiple times. She wants to help and she loves you, even when you're sick and not working. Your family is here for you and will help you as much as they can if you'll let them. They just need to know how.
You are not a failure. You have done so much this week and your future looks brighter than it has in a long time. You are not a failure and we are all so proud of you.
Aw, IceKiss. Thank you so so much for all of this! I really appreciate all the advice and support you've given me. I'll try my best to take it all into account because I think you're right about it all. I guess a positive I can take from this is that even though I am worried about so much and fearful of the changes that are about to happen, I still want to try and I'm not giving up on wanting to get better even though it's terrifying.
I really hope you're doing alright. Sending lots of love your way xxx
1vy, on 01 Aug 2018 - 4:09 PM, said:
I just want to offer a possible perspective on what your mother said, although I'm sure I would have felt hurt, too.
As you may or may not recall, but few of your followers do, my wife is seriously ill, and will die early of her disease.
Every time she needs to go to the hospital, I think to myself "this is silly, she's perfectly fine!"
I don't think this because I imagine my wife is exaggerating, lying, or malingering. I think it because my mind has never fully encompassed her disease. I have to force myself to accept the truth of it over, and over again. Because I don't want the person I love most on this earth to be so truly ill.
I think it's entirely possible your mother is just not accepting that you are truly ill yet. And she may not for awhile. Even you are still struggling to accept this yourself, and you know everything, and have known a long time.
Just a thought.
Please keep at it. You're doing a great job.
You make a really good point. I appreciate the different perspective because it's something I wouldn't have thought of. I think there may be some truth to that for my family. For the longest time they seriously thought my weight loss was strictly due to me not being able to afford food. My dad kept giving me money randomly. I'd say I didn't need it and that he should keep it but he would always refuse and say "you keep it. You can get yourself some groceries or something". I also got away with saying "I'm just stressed" as a reason for my weight loss too. So I would agree that there is probably still some sort of denial held by my parents.
I'm so sorry about your wife. It truly breaks my heart to hear. I hope you can come to terms with her illness but even if you can't right now, know that that is okay too. It's not easy to accept something like that about someone you hold so dear. If anything, it just shows how much you truly care about her. I wish you both nothing but the best <3
Sending so much love to you xxx
lowkeyy, on 01 Aug 2018 - 6:28 PM, said:
What about inpatient? Have you talked that over with your parents? What you need is an intervention with your fam so you have a facilitator there to help your parents understand the severity of your disorder because I feel like even when you were living with them, you did a lot of sneaking around like binging in your car and purging in the docs office or waiting until your parents are out to b/p so they don’t know how bad it is since you hid a lot of the behavior from them.
Deep down I know inpatient would probably help me so much but I just couldn't go. Mostly because I think I would absolutely hate being in that kind of setting but also because I couldn't afford it anyway. You are definitely right that my parents don't really know the full extent of things. I'm kind of afriad to tell them though because if I do find myself wanting to b/p then I'll want to go out and binge in my car so I have privacy. I'm not ready to let everything go just yet even though I know it's what I need to do in order to really get better.
Thank you for the support and advice, I really appreciate it <3
Hope you're doing alright and having a great day! x
#6039
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Posted 02 August 2018 - 07:22 AM
DAY: 1,276 - Thursday
This morning I had an extra babysitting shift. The mother of the kids I look after said that they were both devastated when she told them that I would be leaving. I feel so terrible that I'm doing this to them. It can be so hard for kids to finally feel comfortable around a person and now I'm forcing them to have to trust someone new all over again. I hope their next babysitter is kind and that they all get on really well; I'm sure they will. I have one more shift left on Tuesday and then that's it. I probably won't see them ever again and it makes me so sad.
The rest of the day I just spent b/p-ing. Nothing new.
I got u today at 5am and it is now 12:10am; it's officially Friday I guess. I'm tired but I don't want to go to sleep. I know that when I stop being busy all I am going to do is think and I hate being stuck with just my own thoughts. That's probably why I get so little sleep, because I force myself to be awake until I'm so tired that I fall asleep straight away. That way I don't have to lay there just thinking about all the terrible things that are about to happen.
I've been reading up about a load of stuff for AN recovery mostly because I'm just curious and genuinely find it interesting. One thing I tried was the two physical tests used to detect muscle weakness. The first is the squat-stand test, which I can do. The second is the sit up, where you lay flat and then sit up without using your hands to help. I literally cannot sit up no matter how hard I try. I don't know if it was something I could do before though? I guess my legs muscles are okay (probably because they're made of steel since I'm in a squat position to purge multiple times each day) but my stomach muscles are weak. My legs were the last place that I noticeably lost weight from so it makes sense I guess.
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Posted 02 August 2018 - 07:41 AM
hey there,
I haven't actually been a follower for very long, and I just pop in from time to time, so I haven't actually read this whole thread yet (I'll get around to that sometime ^^. But from what I've read, you've definitely been through a lot, and my heart kind of aches just reading glimpses of your struggles. I can relate so much to you, about how my ED makes me do things which most would consider 'wrong.' I've lied and cheated so many times, all because of my ED. I've been in forced recovery for a year and I'm still finding it so hard.
Just know that you do deserve better, and that you're an amazing person. I know it's difficult, but you definitely did make the right choice about going home to get better. I can promise you, that there will be a day when you can work and study and do everything you want again, when you're in a better place both mentally and physically - and you'll be truly happy. Much, much happier than now. Your poor body has been through a lot; It's hard to maybe change this pattern of thought, but you do deserve a rest and you do deserve to heal. Everything else in life will always be waiting for you, when you're ready to come back to take on everything. You've been so brave already<3
I'm not good with words, so I don't know what else to say..... other than good luck. <3 Even though I may not comment very much, I'll always be reading your updates and rooting for you.
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Posted 09 June 2019 - 10:57 PM
DAY: 1,527 - Monday
It hasn't been a very good day today. At around 3am in the morning I woke up and needed to go to the toilet. Immediately when I got up, I felt so nauseous. The bathroom is around the corner and only about 5 steps away from my bedroom so it isn't far but I didn't even know if I would make it there and back to my room without throwing up; even though there was nothing in me to throw up. I managed to make it back to my bed but I felt so awful. I guess I fell asleep after that but when I woke up I didn't feel any better. If I lay down, I can bear it but if I am standing for too long I know I will surely start heaving and I don't want that. I had to lay in bed for a while longer but eventually I had to force myself up because of course binging and purging is my highest priority no matter how terrible I am feeling. I also have it in my head that b/p's fix everything so surely having a morning b/p was the answer... ED logic, right?
I started feeling a little better just before my mum left for work. My dad was out so when my mum walked out the door, I b/p'ed. Then I went out to b/p again once my dad came back home. I got groceries while I was out too. When I got home I felt like baking so I made an orange and poppyseed cake.
Dinner had me feeling so bloody full! I had a slice of my vegetable tart, roast potatoes, gravy, cous cous (which was meant to be for two people but since I basically am a family of four in one body, I figured it was perfect for me) and two slices of toast. The cous cous was so filling and this was certainly a very carb heavy dinner! I managed to squeeze in a slice of my cake but I was so done after that plus all the water I had drunk with it. I purged in the shower and once again began to feel sick and dizzy once I had got everything out.
I decided to weigh myself again and I've lost even more weight. I'm back to a BMI of 12.8. It still is higher than my lowest but shit. I don't even know how this is happening. I stayed the exact same weight for months and now all of a sudden I am losing weight again even though I literally changed nothing in my behaviours. It makes no sense! I'm pretty sure this is why I keep feeling sick lately. This happened around this time last year too and I'm back at basically the same weight I was last year before going in to the hospital. I can even see the recent weight loss on me now and I hate it. My legs slimmed down and disorder feels noticeable once again. It's embarrassing.
Tonight I think my parents are going out for dinner. It is written on the calendar so I hope they actually do go and it's not one of those many times where they have plans and don't follow through with them. On one hand I want to be alone to b/p at home but on the other I know I'll end up feeling sick if I b/p super frantically while they are away. Nothing will stop me from doing it though so I suppose I shouldn't even bother worrying about it.
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Posted 11 June 2019 - 12:13 AM
DAY: 1,528 - Tuesday
I feel so shit physically lately which isn't normal for me. Probably within the last two weeks or so it has been this way. I keep feeling nauseous, dizzy, weak and getting back pains. I've also noticed that the lanugo on my face got bad again. It seemed to sort of thin out once the weather warmed up but now that it got cold again, the fuzz grew longer. Luckily the hair is fair so you can't see it too much but in certain lights it looks so terrible!
I'm probably going to run myself down so much that I end up back in hospital. I don't want that to happen but I feel powerless to do anything to stop it. All I can hope is that I start feeling better somehow.
After today, I am so exhausted. I was home alone for the majority of the day and so far I have b/p'ed 8 times and it's only 5pm. I planned on going to see my Nana tonight because everyone was meant to be home. In preparation I got my Nana some veggie burgers from the store today to take to her. I introduced her to them and she loved the burgers when she tried it. Then when my mum got home today she told me that she got called in to work so she would be away all night. Usually if this happened I would ditch all my plans and stay home so that I could b/p once my dad went to his shed for the evening. But since I got the veggie burgers to give to my Nana, I will still go see her rather than staying home to b/p. After already b/p-ing 8 times so far, I am feeling like shit so I'm actually glad to have an incentive to do something else.
There were so many times today when I felt exhausted and like I couldn't go on but not wanting to waste my time home alone forced me to keep going. What the hell is wrong with me? Well, I guess I already know but ugh... why? Why do I have to be like this? At times like this I just wish I was dead because I'm so tired of it all. Getting better feels like it is never going to happen for me so death seems like the only option to stop my misery. I won't kill myself though. My only option is to keep waiting to die or by some miracle, finally actually want to recover.
#7963
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Posted 11 June 2019 - 01:53 AM
Have you considered taking an electrolyte drink or supplement when you're feeling this low? Or BCAAs. They both help tremendously with normal functioning. A B12 or multivitamin wouldn't hurt either, they can really make a difference.
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Posted 11 June 2019 - 05:39 AM
I also wanted to ask you, what do you think is the root of this compulsion to binge and purge. I see that whenever you're alone you feel it is an absolute necessity to b/p. Do you think it's because you developed the fear of eating and cooking in front of others?
Sorry to pry, I'm just trying to understand you a little bit more and also have you think about the compulsion.
If you can discover the root of why you're doing this everytime you get a chance, it's possible that you can start trying to combat the irrational thinking pattern little by little.
I remember you used to want to recover on your own. Trying to recover on your own is better than throwing in the towel all together and giving up. Obviously seeing a GOOD therapist that you feel comfortable with will help tremendously, but I do sympathize with how hard that can be in and of itself.
I'm an American and I always say "100 pennies makes a dollar"; meaning 100 tiny changes eventually add up to something with more worth.
Please don't keel over and give up! Imagine what life could be, ruminate on it, and never let go of hope.
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Posted 11 June 2019 - 06:51 AM
Kodos, on 09 Jun 2019 - 8:23 PM, said:
I used to do yoghurt mono's a bit a few years ago (I'm sure I have posted while doing them way back in the beginnings of this thread) and I used to sometimes have 2L throughout the day of low fat yoghurt since the total still only came to somewhere around 800 calories. I'd eat it too fast though and then get sad because I couldn't eat anything else for the rest of the day...
I'm always checking the yoghurt section for reduced yoghurts. It doesn't bother me if there is a 600ml tub going "out of date" by the next day, I'll eat it all in one go haha
Wow, free delivery! That is the stuff of dreams over here! Australia just isn't very bulimia or AN b/p friendly it seems
Yeah, you still got 800 max and occasional mono as tags
That was before I joined your accountability though, which was 1,5 years ago I think.
I often see 1 liter packages of yogurt or custard on quick sale here but I don't buy that anymore. 1 package can be as low as 370 calories, but it also goes down in 1 go. Sometimes I buy skimmed yogurt without checking the package and then it turns out to be with added sugar, which is double the calories. I love custard and we got a wide variety here similar to yogurt, but it isn't very restricter friendly.
They do that especially to keep people from binging in Australia but it doesn't seem to work very well
Your last messages are getting worrying again though. But I can only say what you already know.
You want control, but you're probably gonna end up in hospital and lose your control. Either it's gonna be the same as last time when it was 'voluntary'. Or you end up with serious damage. Losing the ability to walk or worse. Becoming a vegetable. That's even worse than dying.
My advice is this and I hope you can somehow manage to do it. I know it's tough.
Go to your doctor and tell him everything we know. What you want and especially what you don't want. Ask him to look for somebody who can help you. He can tell your story without giving them your name, so they can't force you. Maybe there's somebody willing to give you personal help. An out of the box way, like with Emma Wants to Live.
You deserve to live and be happy. You really do.
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Posted 11 June 2019 - 01:38 PM
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Posted 11 June 2019 - 04:37 PM
Kena, on 11 Jun 2019 - 01:53 AM, said:
Have you considered taking an electrolyte drink or supplement when you're feeling this low? Or BCAAs. They both help tremendously with normal functioning. A B12 or multivitamin wouldn't hurt either, they can really make a difference.
If I feel extremely terrible then I do convince myself to take one potassium tablet right before going to bed. But then I just wake up and start a whole day of b/p-ing again so it all just feels extremely pointless. I have a whole bottle of multivitamins on my bedside tablet but I haven't had many from the bottle at all. I just hate pills and I don't know why I am like that because it makes everything so much harder.
Hope you're doing okay xxx
offkilter, on 11 Jun 2019 - 05:39 AM, said:
It sounds like you might be extremely dehydrated. You're a smart girl, I understand your ED overshadows logic though. As Frank Sinatra once said "Fear is the enemy of logic". I understand you're worried about what the scale will say, and I know you're worried about the full feeling from drinking will trigger a binge but please drink something, anything!, and keep it down. Even if you have to take teeny tiny sips to start, it's better than nothing at all.
I also wanted to ask you, what do you think is the root of this compulsion to binge and purge. I see that whenever you're alone you feel it is an absolute necessity to b/p. Do you think it's because you developed the fear of eating and cooking in front of others?
Sorry to pry, I'm just trying to understand you a little bit more and also have you think about the compulsion.
If you can discover the root of why you're doing this everytime you get a chance, it's possible that you can start trying to combat the irrational thinking pattern little by little.
I remember you used to want to recover on your own. Trying to recover on your own is better than throwing in the towel all together and giving up. Obviously seeing a GOOD therapist that you feel comfortable with will help tremendously, but I do sympathize with how hard that can be in and of itself.
I'm an American and I always say "100 pennies makes a dollar"; meaning 100 tiny changes eventually add up to something with more worth.
Please don't keel over and give up! Imagine what life could be, ruminate on it, and never let go of hope.
I really love all of the quotes you mentioned, thanks for sharing them!
At this point I feel like the answer to why I b/p is simple (maybe too simple?). I just love food. I don't like being restricted in the amounts I eat and the types of food I eat. If I kept food down, I would become the size of a house and gaining weight is probably my biggest fear. There are also so many foods that I am scared of which I could never keep down. They are also food I love though so the only way I could ever eat them is if I b/p them.
The reason I always b/p when I am home alone is because I have this fear that "if I don't do it now then I will never get to do it". Which is illogical but it feels like the truth in my mind. I don't want to be cut off from food for longer than I can handle so I take any opportunity to b/p that I can get.
Thank you so much for trying to help. I really appreciate it <3
Sending lots of love and hugs xxx
Donphan, on 11 Jun 2019 - 06:51 AM, said:
Yeah, you still got 800 max and occasional mono as tags
That was before I joined your accountability though, which was 1,5 years ago I think.
I often see 1 liter packages of yogurt or custard on quick sale here but I don't buy that anymore. 1 package can be as low as 370 calories, but it also goes down in 1 go. Sometimes I buy skimmed yogurt without checking the package and then it turns out to be with added sugar, which is double the calories. I love custard and we got a wide variety here similar to yogurt, but it isn't very restricter friendly.
They do that especially to keep people from binging in Australia but it doesn't seem to work very well
Your last messages are getting worrying again though. But I can only say what you already know.
You want control, but you're probably gonna end up in hospital and lose your control. Either it's gonna be the same as last time when it was 'voluntary'. Or you end up with serious damage. Losing the ability to walk or worse. Becoming a vegetable. That's even worse than dying.
My advice is this and I hope you can somehow manage to do it. I know it's tough.
Go to your doctor and tell him everything we know. What you want and especially what you don't want. Ask him to look for somebody who can help you. He can tell your story without giving them your name, so they can't force you. Maybe there's somebody willing to give you personal help. An out of the box way, like with Emma Wants to Live.
You deserve to live and be happy. You really do.
Haha, well my thread is far from that now! I should probably change the tags...
It's very frustrating because I know all of this and I definitely do not want my freedom taken away again but I can do nothing to stop anything I am doing right now. I'm powerless. It basically just becomes a waiting game I suppose of "when" I'm going to get locked away again rather than if. The only thing I know for certain is that I will do (or my disorder will force me to do) everything within my power to avoid the hospital at all costs.
This sounds ridiculous but it sometimes feels like there is an actual demon inside me trying to kill me from within...\
On that note, I hope you're doing alright! Sending love to you xxx
#7970
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Posted 11 June 2019 - 04:46 PM
PrettyIntense, on 11 Jun 2019 - 12:05 PM, said:
Hugs to you my dear. This is only my second post in your thread but I do read your updates daily and I think of how you’re doing often. I know you had a very traumatic experience with your last attempt at recovery but as some mentioned, your recent posts are worrying. I don’t know if you’ve heard of Mia Findly or not, but she has a YouTube channel and Instagram called “what Mia did next”. She is a former ED sufferer turned professional that specializes in ED recovery. Maybe take a peek at a few of her videos and if you’re feeling it, I’ll drop the link for her website. I really think at least looking into can’t hurt and certainly won’t end up like the last forced psych hospital stay. I’d love to see you get better and share your story. You’ve got a way with words and are such a genuinely good person (we ALL have our faults and have made mistakes so you can’t argue that you’re a good person). You have the gift of kindness that the world needs more of. ❤️ I won’t pressure anymore. Just know there are so many of us that silently root for you every day.
https://www.beyondbodycoach.com/
You're way too kind, thank you so much for your lovely message <3
I have watched a few of Mia's videos and I think she's pretty incredible. I watched a video she put out last week I think and the whole time I was in such awe of her speaking ability. She is so clear, understanding, smart and direct with her words; she's truly amazing.
Sending loads of love and hugs your way xxx
JessicaX, on 11 Jun 2019 - 1:38 PM, said:
Things will get worse if you don't help yourself. You go through what I've been through - almost identically. The end result for you will be sectioning again. Everything will be forced and out of control and you will start the same cycle that you did before - anger, cheating the system- but this time you won't be given a choice. Your body is depleted - probably k and ca. Maybe even phosphorus. Next step is FBC abnormalities, not being able to go any length without sitting down and heart arrhythmia. Take control. Go get bloods done without supplementing just for the occasion so you know exactly what is going on. If they want you to go to hospital - go voluntarily. But one thing is for sure, none of us want to see you deteriorate any further and it would be pretty sole destroying if in 6 months your posts follow the same pattern. Get help girl.
Could you stop yourself either though? It just feels like it is inevitable because as badly as I don't want any of that to happen, I can't do anything to stop it. I'll just keep lying and cheating the system until the jig is up. I just pray that sometime throughout doing all that, I have a massive change in mindset and suddenly want to get better... highly unlikely but a girl can dream.
I can't go voluntarily to the hospital because voluntarily very quickly turns to involuntarily no matter what I say. I can't go through that again, at least not by choice.
I really hope you're doing okay <3
xxxx
1vy, on 11 Jun 2019 - 4:06 PM, said:
I sent you a pm, i don't know if notices are working these days or not.
All the best to you.
The notifications seem to be working now. I got your message, thank you <3
Keeping you in my thoughts xxxxxxx
#7971
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Posted 11 June 2019 - 05:06 PM
Kodos, on 11 Jun 2019 - 4:37 PM, said:
This sounds ridiculous but it sometimes feels like there is an actual demon inside me trying to kill me from within...\
On that note, I hope you're doing alright! Sending love to you xxx
Sadly, that's what eating disorders are
Not doing alright unfortunately. Got a headache for 5 days now. My neck also hurts. Normally it never lasts longer than 2 days. It isn't from dehydration, I always get at least 2 liters a day. It's probably a lot of stress.
And my weight isn't going anywhere. I lose a bit and then gain it back again, which is so frustrating.
#7972
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Posted 11 June 2019 - 06:33 PM
And you probably know this but most people tend to have a point where their heart starts playing up. I was fine for ages and ages then all of a sudden my ecgs were abnormal and the longer they are, the higher the risk of heart attacks and things.
Pease, please get checked out hun. We don’t want to lose you.
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#7973
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Posted 11 June 2019 - 08:02 PM
Donphan, on 11 Jun 2019 - 5:06 PM, said:
Sadly, that's what eating disorders are
Not doing alright unfortunately. Got a headache for 5 days now. My neck also hurts. Normally it never lasts longer than 2 days. It isn't from dehydration, I always get at least 2 liters a day. It's probably a lot of stress.
And my weight isn't going anywhere. I lose a bit and then gain it back again, which is so frustrating.
I'm really sorry to hear that, I hope you feel better soon. Try to get some rest if possible <3
Sending hugs xxx
taetricus, on 11 Jun 2019 - 6:33 PM, said:
Taking potassium without having your bloods done is dangerous (don’t stop with the one daily though!- and I’m just assuming you’re not getting them done now but I’m not sure so sorry if you are) because you might not be taking enough all the time, I ended up on 4 a day once and still had to get an infusion, plus there’s also the possibility of taking too much. Definitely get bloods done if anything. You’re also more likely to catch if anything else starts going wrong.
And you probably know this but most people tend to have a point where their heart starts playing up. I was fine for ages and ages then all of a sudden my ecgs were abnormal and the longer they are, the higher the risk of heart attacks and things.
Pease, please get checked out hun. We don’t want to lose you.
Oh no, I certainly don't take the potassium daily. I take it before blood tests (which I usually have done every three weeks or so) or on the rare occasion that I feel really terrible (which is maybe once a month or less). Taking three before a test wasn't enough to get my levels to normal so my doctor said I should be taking four a day... I just take none instead.
I know I'd regret it in hindsight if something bad did happen but I suppose I am living in blissful ignorance right now. It will catch up to me someday I bet but since it hasn't yet, I feel like I am invincible even if I'm truly not. It just seems pointless to get tests done when all that would happen if things were off is that they would want me to go to hospital, which I won't do. So I'd prefer to avoid all the medical stuff and just suffer through until things do get bad beyond my ability to cope or I decide I have had enough and try to help myself.
Thank you so much for your care and advice it's really sweet of you to want to help me out <3
Sending lots of love xxx
#7974
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Posted 11 June 2019 - 08:18 PM
Kodos, on 11 Jun 2019 - 8:02 PM, said:
I'm really sorry to hear that, I hope you feel better soon. Try to get some rest if possible <3
Sending hugs xxx
Oh no, I certainly don't take the potassium daily. I take it before blood tests (which I usually have done every three weeks or so) or on the rare occasion that I feel really terrible (which is maybe once a month or less). Taking three before a test wasn't enough to get my levels to normal so my doctor said I should be taking four a day... I just take none instead.
I know I'd regret it in hindsight if something bad did happen but I suppose I am living in blissful ignorance right now. It will catch up to me someday I bet but since it hasn't yet, I feel like I am invincible even if I'm truly not. It just seems pointless to get tests done when all that would happen if things were off is that they would want me to go to hospital, which I won't do. So I'd prefer to avoid all the medical stuff and just suffer through until things do get bad beyond my ability to cope or I decide I have had enough and try to help myself.
Thank you so much for your care and advice it's really sweet of you to want to help me out <3
Sending lots of love xxx
Hey, I don’t think I’ve introduced myself yet but I’ve been reading your accountability - so glad that I found this treasure trove of relatable experiences and emotions that you’ve shared. So, hello!
I’m prescribed potassium and had some stretches where I didn’t take it but I overcame that by reminding myself that it’s one of the only calorie-free ways to get my electrolytes stabilized. It’s like a “freebie”. I don’t take my multi because...calories. I know that’s not bright, but it is what it is! If you *can* bring yourself to take the potassium it could save you from the number one cause of death for ED sufferers which is heart failure (might need to fact check that statistic, I heard it somewhere). I know I’m overstepping a bit by dispensing unsolicited advice, lol, but I am a mom so I mean well!
Anyway, keep writing and know you have one more reader and supporter out there.
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#7975
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Posted 11 June 2019 - 11:41 PM
breakable_doll, on 11 Jun 2019 - 8:18 PM, said:
Hey, I don’t think I’ve introduced myself yet but I’ve been reading your accountability - so glad that I found this treasure trove of relatable experiences and emotions that you’ve shared. So, hello!
I’m prescribed potassium and had some stretches where I didn’t take it but I overcame that by reminding myself that it’s one of the only calorie-free ways to get my electrolytes stabilized. It’s like a “freebie”. I don’t take my multi because...calories. I know that’s not bright, but it is what it is! If you *can* bring yourself to take the potassium it could save you from the number one cause of death for ED sufferers which is heart failure (might need to fact check that statistic, I heard it somewhere). I know I’m overstepping a bit by dispensing unsolicited advice, lol, but I am a mom so I mean well!
Anyway, keep writing and know you have one more reader and supporter out there.
Very glad to have you here <3
You are definitely right. I don't know what it was about how you said all of that exactly but you did just make me truly think about how silly I am being. It really is like a freebie so why am I avoiding it so much? I bet if something did happen then I would wish with all my heart that I could go back in time and just take the damn tablets. I can't promise anything but maybe I will try my best to take one tablet before going to bed each night. It can't hurt to try I guess.
Thank you so much, I really appreciate you taking the time to help me out.
Sending loads of love and hugs your way xxx
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#7977
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Posted 12 June 2019 - 12:02 AM
DAY: 1,529 - Wednesday
In a very unforeseen turn of events, I now feel like I have been threatened by the Chinese job recruiter guy. I really don't need this right now...
He finally got back to my email saying that I couldn't afford it and that I would have to pass at this point in time. He responded saying:
"Do you mind to give me a phone call to discuss your case? Considering the contract has been signed by both parties and there are punishment terms in the contract for unreasonable withdraw, I don’t suggest you to terminate it in this way."
He tired to call me but I ignored it. First of all, I don't owe anyone anything. It states in the actual contract that the contract begins on the first day of work, which would be September 15th 2019. Since it is well before that date, the contract is not valid and therefore his attempt to get something from me is invalid. I'm fairly certain that the university must pay him a large amount of money if he recruits people. So since he won't get any money now, he is trying to pressure me in to proceeding so that he still gets a pay out. Does he really think he can force someone to fly to bloody China, go through all the application process and so on when they said they don't want to anymore?
Anyway, this had me all stressed out. I sent back a pretty blunt message to him and said I didn't want to be contacted further. I hope that is the end of it all.
Other than that, my day was pretty standard. It has been pouring with rain all day though so I got drenched when I went to do my daily pizza b/p and get groceries. It was kind of nice to binge in my car when it was raining though. Since the water droplets on my car windows made it so that people couldn't see in, but I could see out kind of, was nice.
My mum went to work in the afternoon and I b/p'ed 3 more times. I'll b/p again soon I think. At least today won't be as terrible as yesterday was. My total b/p count for yesterday was a disgusting 12... And I know I am being so stupid by not taking my potassium tablets so I'm going to try my actual hardest to listen to you all. Starting tonight I am going to try to take one tablet each night before I go to bed. I can't promise that I will stick with it but I do promise that I will try.
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#7978
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Posted 12 June 2019 - 12:08 AM
wheatthinbitch, on 11 Jun 2019 - 11:47 PM, said:
this might sound stupid but can someone explain to me what a mono is?
There are no stupid questions. I am certainly happy to answer to the best of my ability
Basically "Mono's" became a massive trend here a few years ago. It is when you eat only one type of food for a whole day and nothing else. Some of the most popular mono diets are on things like chocolate, nutella, one fruit, eggs, oatmeal, yoghurt. It can be anything I guess. The idea was that eating just the one type of food is too much for our body so it won't digest it all and therefore you lose weight.
Personally I did used to lose weight whenever I did a mono diet (I documented it here quite a bit mostly doing chocolate or yoghurt mono's) but I m fairly certain that it was water weight/food weight. Calories are calories after all. There are a lot of threads on this site that you can read to learn more; both positive and negative.
I hope I explained it okay. I'm certainly no expert but this is my understanding of them.
Hope you're doing well xxx
#7979
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Posted 12 June 2019 - 02:03 AM
I've been disordered my whole life. I'm hoping it'll kill me. That is my fervent wish. This relapse started in earnest in 2015 when I heavily restricted whilst needed to lose weight. I have no support. No family or friends that will take me in when the inevitable happens (and this will happen soon) and I lose my house and everything. It is pure unadulterated self destruction. Like the bruising and cutting and leaving sores to get infected. Mixing SSRIs with alcohol.
I have said it to you in DM - you also hide behind it. Now. I could patronise you and say you have family, you are younger and have great potential but again these are excuses from me even though they are true.
I think you are scared of living your life but you haven't given it a chance.
And no, voluntary admission does not end up in involuntarily unless you refuse to eat. You played the game before your last admission and if you took a step backwards and looked in, you will see the medical profession had no choice but to stabilise your weight when you were not gaining in the community. Again I feel like you hide behind this trauma - and no denying it was a trauma.
You were admitted to general ward to stabilise but going voluntarily into IP means you will be in a specialist centre. It is a completely different environment.
One way or the other you are heading for medical intervention so take the bull by the horns. Set target weight with the doctor. I agreed 35kg which gives me a BMI of 16. This would be a gain of .5 a week till I hit 35. From there I will be able to demonstrate to myself that I can maintain for peace of mind. In order to get my way I said I would sign a contract. They are happy with this but you have to start things yourself otherwise they will be the ones deciding for you.
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#7980
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Posted 12 June 2019 - 02:07 AM
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Posted 18 August 2019 - 04:25 AM
Kodos, on 17 Aug 2019 - 4:34 PM, said:
I wish they weren't all so expensive too! Then maybe more people would actually try them and eat them regular.
I'm so sorry to hear that your money situation is poor right now. It puts an unbelievable amount of stress on a person. I'm thinking of you and hoping the situation improves greatly very soon <3
xxx
It could definitely convince some non-stubborn meat eaters. Unfortunately, nothing convinces people like my parents.
The pulled oats I had recently were one of the best meat substitutes I ever had! But I err... didn't pay for it.
I doubt this gets better anytime soon. It's only getting worse and worse. I'm also through my savings
#8483
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Posted 18 August 2019 - 05:01 PM
Donphan, on 18 Aug 2019 - 04:25 AM, said:
It could definitely convince some non-stubborn meat eaters. Unfortunately, nothing convinces people like my parents.
The pulled oats I had recently were one of the best meat substitutes I ever had! But I err... didn't pay for it.
I doubt this gets better anytime soon. It's only getting worse and worse. I'm also through my savings
Sending you hugs <3
I'm so sorry xxx
Neverland_, on 18 Aug 2019 - 05:01 AM, said:
Take care <3
Thank you Neverland <3
Hope you're doing alright xxx
#8485
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Posted 18 August 2019 - 11:13 PM
Ԍraϲеfully Ӏnѕanе, on 18 Aug 2019 - 10:44 PM, said:
Thinking of you. Lots of love to you friend. <3
Aw, thanks Friendo! <3
Thinking of you too and sending lots of love right back to you xxx
#8486
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Posted 18 August 2019 - 11:25 PM
DAY: 1,597 - Monday
Well, today didn't go to plan at all! In the morning I was going good and had started studying. About 30 minutes in, I suddenly hear a stranger come in to the house and start talking to me Mum. Apparently she had invited a friend around but never bothered to let me know someone would be coming over. I was instantly so mad. Maybe I am overreacting but I really don't like strangers, meeting new people, not being told what's happening and most of all when people are talking very loudly in the kitchen when I am trying my hardest to study.
Of course I couldn't. So instead I left the house and went to b/p because it didn't feel like there was much else I could do. I got groceries after the b/p and then went home. I expected my Mum and her friend to have gone out for lunch since it was 12pm. When I got home, they were still there. They had lunch at my house and continued talking loudly until her friend finally left. I literally got nothing done today because this event threw me off so much.
In the afternoon I was being very blunt with my Mum. Eventually she kept asking me what was wrong so I blurted out "you could have told me that you were having a friend over". She didn't seem to think it was a big deal at all but agreed to let me know beforehand next time. I seriously never get mad but this really upset me today. I suppose I feel a lot of pressure to have done a major amount of study today but I just couldn't do it and now I'm even more stressed out because I have four days to do two assignments and I feel like I'm going to fuck it all up somehow.
I made pizza for dinner. At the grocery store there was a pizza base that was reduced so that's how my dinner was decided. I topped the base with pumpkin, tomato, feta, onion, spinach, caramelised onion and cheese. it was really nice. I had yoghurt afterwards too and then purged in the shower.
Hopefully tomorrow I do better and get more done.
#8487
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Posted 19 August 2019 - 07:00 AM
I can definitely understand your frustration. I can't concentrate either when people are talking loudly, even when it isn't right next to me. Sure, it's her house but yours as well.
I hope the rest of the week will go better <3
#8488
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Posted 19 August 2019 - 02:48 PM
Homemade pizza always sounds good. 😊
#8489
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Posted 19 August 2019 - 11:35 PM
Donphan, on 19 Aug 2019 - 07:00 AM, said:
I can definitely understand your frustration. I can't concentrate either when people are talking loudly, even when it isn't right next to me. Sure, it's her house but yours as well.
I hope the rest of the week will go better <3
It's so distracting. I actually don't like loud noises in general. Like when someone starts vacuuming, I usually go outside to get away from the noise. It's not that I can't tolerate it completely because sometimes I don't get away from it, I just prefer to not be around it.
Thank you! I certainly need it to
Hope you're doing alright xxx
1vy, on 19 Aug 2019 - 2:48 PM, said:
I'm sorry you were thrown off kilter. Maybe you should look for a good alternative study place, like at your Nana's, or a nearby library. In case it's too noisy on another occasion.
Homemade pizza always sounds good.
It would be a good idea to find elsewhere to study but throughout my entire time at school/university, I was never able to study anywhere other than my home environment. I like to be completely alone because otherwise I just get distracted by everything going on around me. My Mum doesn't have people over often so it was probably a once off or a rare event but it just happened on a day where I really needed to get things done.
I agree! I made pizza again today and I'm pretty sure I'll have it tomorrow too
Hope you're doing alright. Sending love your way xxx
#8490
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Posted 19 August 2019 - 11:47 PM
DAY: 1,598 - Tuesday
Today went a lot better than yesterday, although I still should have done way more study than I did. Most of the work I did on my assignments happened in the morning. Then my Mum went out shopping so I couldn't resist a b/p at home. I was craving pasta like a mad woman so I made pasta in 15 minutes, ate it super fast, purged and then left the house. I planned on only b/p-ing once more while out and then getting groceries before going back home but I ended up b/p-ing twice instead. That was a time waster because I could have used that time to do more work on my assignments. I did a bit more work when I got home but again, not enough.
For dinner I made pizza again. It was the same as yesterday, minus the spinach since we didn't have any. I had three large pizzas today... oops. I purged in the shower and then did a little more study. I think I'm done for the day unless I get a random burst of motivation.
There is just so much going on right now. I think I'm handling it alright at the moment which is good and I really hope that doesn't change because I need to keep a level head. This week I will be doing the assignments that are due this Friday. Once I finish those, I will have to start the two that are due mid-next week. I also have a doctors appointment next week and I've also arranged to meet my supervising teacher at the school I am going to for placement. And then not next Monday, the Monday after, I start my placement for a month.
I can't remember if I mentioned this but I'm going to try to do that full days of my placement rather than half days. I just feel like if I extend the time for my placement, it will set me back and make things more difficult. All I hope is that I don't get sick anytime within the next month or two. Going by the events of recent months, that might be unlikely. I seem to go through waves of feeling alright and then waves of feeling like death. I'm not sure of the time frames of when it happens but it always seems to happen. The only thing I really have going for me is that I feel really good physically at the moment and maybe it does have something to do with the fact that I have been consistently taking the potassium tablets. Usually I wake up feeling mildly sick almost every day but it has been over two weeks since I experienced that. Sometimes I am tempted to stop taking the tablets since I feel fine and it makes me think that I don't need them, but this is no time to risk getting sick again. I will keep taking them at least until my placement is over at the end of September.
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#8491
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Posted 20 August 2019 - 04:01 AM
Oh and that pizza looks really good x
5'2 / 158.5 cm
SW: 138 lbs / 63 kg (bmi 25.1)
CW: 102.9 lbs / 46.7 kg
LW: 98.54 lbs / 44.7 kg (bmi 17.8)132 lbs / 60 kg 121 lbs / 55 kg 110 lbs / 50 kg 99 lbs / 45 kg 88 lbs / 40 kg 77 lbs / 35 kg
~ accountability ~
~ selfie/body check dump ~
#8493
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Posted 20 August 2019 - 05:40 AM
As for the waves of sickness, it's not the same but, for my period I put it down in my phone calendar every month so I can look back and make sure it's staying regular and anticipate when it should come. Maybe that's something you can do for your sick feelings to keep track? Just an idea!
I hope things go well for you in the coming days ♡
#8494
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Posted 21 August 2019 - 01:24 AM
skinny.elle, on 20 Aug 2019 - 04:01 AM, said:
Sounds like you got a lot going on, hope you’re able to take care of yourself the best you can despite all the deadlines and stuff! <3
Oh and that pizza looks really good x
Hey Elle! Aw, thank you so much <3
I hope you're doing alright! Sending you so much love xxx
Neverland_, on 20 Aug 2019 - 04:08 AM, said:
<3 <3 <3
Penelo, on 20 Aug 2019 - 05:40 AM, said:
So glad you're sticking with the potassium and going to doctors next week! Very good progress on your part
As for the waves of sickness, it's not the same but, for my period I put it down in my phone calendar every month so I can look back and make sure it's staying regular and anticipate when it should come. Maybe that's something you can do for your sick feelings to keep track? Just an idea!
I hope things go well for you in the coming days ♡
Thanks, Penelo!
That's a really good idea. I guess all I'd have to do is go back through the past few months of my accountability and write down all the times I was complaining about feeling sick haha I don't really have time at the moment to do that but I probably should. Weirdly, I suspect that it happens because of hormonal changes making me become dehydrated. It might even have something to do with my cycle, although I haven't have my period for something like 3-4 years now. I still think my hormones change even though I don't get it. Anyway, I'm rambling!
Thank you! Hope this week is being kind to you so far <3
Sending lots of love xxx
#8495
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Posted 21 August 2019 - 01:33 AM
DAY: 1,599 - Wednesday
Oh man, I have SO bloody much to do! I studied pretty well for most of the morning and then I just got super hungry and couldn't focus. I went out to b/p, got groceries and then went back home to study some more. I did another 1.5 hours of solid study but then my Mum went to work, leaving me home alone, and I couldn't resist using my alone time to b/p.
I b/p'ed twice, had a shower and then b/p'ed again. I did a little more study but now it is 6:30pm and I can't be bothered anymore. I still have so much to do. of course I could have got loads more done today if I hadn't of b/p'ed so much but sometimes it feels like that is all that keeps me going. It is sort of like my reward for studying, as terrible as that may be. Tomorrow I am really going to have to knuckle down and get these assignments done. They are due at 11:59PM on Friday, so I basically have two more days to get everything done.
Even once they are done, I still can't rest though. I'll have to start the next two assignments that are due mid-next week. I think they hopefully shouldn't be as massive as these first two assignments though.
Oh and also, just as an add on to how I was saying I feel pretty good physically lately, I noticed another improvement. Usually I sit down on the bathtub ledge when I brush my teeth because I just feel like I've got no energy to stand. But lately, I haven't needed to sit down at all. I swear I could run a marathon (well, perhaps not but this is the best analogy I have right now) I feel that good. It's strange how when I had no energy, it didn't really alarm me. It's like I just saw it as normal. Only now that those kinds of things are gone, do I realise how terrible I actually felt.
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#8496
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Posted 21 August 2019 - 04:08 AM
#8497
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Posted 21 August 2019 - 05:42 AM
I don't know how the hell it's possible for you to have more energy but I'm glad for you that you do. I hope you don't get fooled tough that everything is fine because with the way you're eating and purging and stuff there is no way you are fine. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I think it's the truth. However, I am proud of you. You're fighting and that is an accomplishment!
Take care hun, I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best! <3
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#8498
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Posted 21 August 2019 - 07:26 AM
Kodos, on 17 Aug 2019 - 11:06 PM, said:
Between the Raynaud’s and “getting up too fast dizziness” as well as other symptoms you’ve mentioned I’m concerned you have some form of Dysautonomia, like Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. (Are you double-jointed or otherwise hyperflexible?) There are different types of Dysautonomias such as POTS and Orthostatic Hypotension, and they can cause you to feel awful and weak and sick whether you eat/keep food down or not. Sorry if you’ve addressed that in other posts and I missed it!
DAY: 1,596 - Sunday
When I got up to leave, I felt so dizzy! I guess I got up too fast.
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So glad you’re attempting Uni, even though it is a challenge!
#8499
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Posted 21 August 2019 - 07:59 PM
breakable_doll, on 21 Aug 2019 - 07:26 AM, said:
Between the Raynaud’s and “getting up too fast dizziness” as well as other symptoms you’ve mentioned I’m concerned you have some form of Dysautonomia, like Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. (Are you double-jointed or otherwise hyperflexible?) There are different types of Dysautonomias such as POTS and Orthostatic Hypotension, and they can cause you to feel awful and weak and sick whether you eat/keep food down or not. Sorry if you’ve addressed that in other posts and I missed it!
So glad you’re attempting Uni, even though it is a challenge!
i am not very knowledgeable on the subject of this syndrome, but i would imagine she felt dizzy because she’s severely anorexic and bulimic and blood pressure often experiences sudden drops when standing if you’re suffering to the degree she is. i hope this isn’t insulting to her, but i have been following this thread for a while and it helps me visualize what i must have seemed like from the outside when i refused help and continually denied the fact that i was dying. the dizziness is a result of orthostatic hypotension. i still experience problems.
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Posted 22 August 2019 - 02:44 AM
hummocado, on 21 Aug 2019 - 04:08 AM, said:
I’m relieved you’re feeling a bit more oomph! I don’t know how you would have gotten through the last few weeks without more energy. To be honest, I still don’t know how you got through them! Glad that you’re taking the potassium supplements, that you ate outside of b/p last week, that you’re able to focus enough to study each day. Just to do that seemed impossible a month ago! You downplay your accomplishments a lot but these are a big deal.
I don't even know either to be honest! haha
I stopped eating outside of b/p sessions last week when I was away and I didn't start back up doing it again. I guess it became scary once more. Major disruptions to my schedule really ruin any good things I have going for me. But, I think when I start my placement, I will definitely need to eat. I also won't be able to ditch placement and do my own think like I could with uni so there will be no b/p-ing during the day time.
Thank you so much, it really means a lot that you'd say that <3
Hope you're doing well and sending you lots of love! xxx
Neverland_, on 21 Aug 2019 - 05:42 AM, said:
I don't know how the hell it's possible for you to have more energy but I'm glad for you that you do. I hope you don't get fooled tough that everything is fine because with the way you're eating and purging and stuff there is no way you are fine. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I think it's the truth. However, I am proud of you. You're fighting and that is an accomplishment!
Take care hun, I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best! <3
Me either but I'm also glad! I definitely know things aren't actually perfectly fine but it all just doesn't seem as bad right now as it has in the past.
Thank you so much for being so kind! I seriously don't deserve you <3
Hope you're having a good day! Sending lots of love and hugs xxx
breakable_doll, on 21 Aug 2019 - 07:26 AM, said:
Between the Raynaud’s and “getting up too fast dizziness” as well as other symptoms you’ve mentioned I’m concerned you have some form of Dysautonomia, like Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. (Are you double-jointed or otherwise hyperflexible?) There are different types of Dysautonomias such as POTS and Orthostatic Hypotension, and they can cause you to feel awful and weak and sick whether you eat/keep food down or not. Sorry if you’ve addressed that in other posts and I missed it!
So glad you’re attempting Uni, even though it is a challenge!
Oh wow, I certainly don't have that haha
My symptoms are all related to my ED and the Raynaud's is something I inherited from my Mum. Both my sisters have Raynaud's too. My ED just make it worse in one of my hands because I guess I don't have a lot of fat to protect me from the cold weather anymore. It only got bad when I got severely underweight, same with all the dizziness and nausea.
I do appreciate the concern but I'm fairly sure all my issues are just directly related to my ED, even if it seems to fit something else. It's that whole "correlation does not equal correlation" thing. Thank you though!
Hope you're having a nice week and sending you hugs!
xxx
theediblewoman, on 21 Aug 2019 - 7:59 PM, said:
i am not very knowledgeable on the subject of this syndrome, but i would imagine she felt dizzy because she’s severely anorexic and bulimic and blood pressure often experiences sudden drops when standing if you’re suffering to the degree she is. i hope this isn’t insulting to her, but i have been following this thread for a while and it helps me visualize what i must have seemed like from the outside when i refused help and continually denied the fact that i was dying. the dizziness is a result of orthostatic hypotension. i still experience problems.
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I agree with this, it's really just all ED related. I was perfectly fine before my ED. It's amazing what an eating disorder can do to your body... it's pretty terrible actually.
I'm not insulted in the slightest. I'd honestly rather someone look at me and look at this accountability and say "I don't want to ever be like that" than to want what I live. Sometimes I think I should be even more "real" about things that go on in my life just to scare people off from wanting such a low weight but some things are just too embarrassing to share...
Hope you're doing alright <3
Sending lots of love xxx
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Posted 18 January 2020 - 09:36 PM
It's_A_Cruel_World, on 18 Jan 2020 - 7:29 PM, said:
Oml that vege lasagne looks AMAZING. Please give me a recipe
Your photos always makes me so hungry ahaha. I wish I had bread rn so I could have egg sandwiches ahaha.
I get very anxious about food being fresh or contaminated etc it's probably one of my largest fears so when I get breads unless I eat it all within 2 days I freak out about it's level of freshness so I don't buy bread often ahaha
Aw, thank you! I don't have any recipe written down I basically just made it how I assumed someone would make it. It's a recreation of my favourite restaurant meal. I'll try to remember everything that I did.
Ingredients:
- Zucchini
- Pumpkin
- Mushrooms
- Lasagne pasta sheets
- Pesto
- Bechamel sauce (I just used some from a jar)
- Cheese
- Salt & pepper
Method:
- Pre-heat oven to 200C and line baking trays
- Cut up the zucchini (leave out the seedy parts) and the pumpkin into thin slices. Drizzle with olive oil and roast until just browned
- In a glass dish or whatever dish you would use to make lasagne, spray with oil and then pour a little bit of the bechamel sauce into the bottom of the dish. Spread it out so the bottom is slightly covered in the sauce. This will prevent it from sticking.
- Put down a layer of pasta sheets and cover lightly with pesto.
- Put down a layer of mushrooms, then the roasted zucchini and the roasted pumpkin. Cover with bechemel sauce (don't use all of it though!) and repeat. I think I had two layers of mushrooms and roasted veg and three layers of pasta. Remember to spread pesto on top of each pasta layer and finish with a pasta layer. Cover the top pasta layer with the remaining bechamel sauce and then sprinkle with cheese.
- Put it in the oven until the cheese is all melted and has brown spots. Check the pasta is cooked through by poking it with a knife. (I actually dip my pasta sheets in boiling water for a bit when I'm assembling the dish because it makes it cook a bit quicker. You don't have to do that though, I'm just impatient )
I think that's how I made it. I mostly just cook going off instinct so it's hard to write out recipes. I think if you wing a dish, most of the time it'll turn out great.
I'm the opposite I think. I'll dig things out of the trash, pull off moldy bits of bread, eat things that might be questionable. I guess since I think "I'm going to purge anyway" I don't care so much. And I've actually never had food poisoning in my entire life so I don't know how that works! You've probably already thought of this but do you freeze any bread? You could freeze it on the same day you get it so it stays fresh. I guess that only works if you want toast though
Sending lots of love xxx
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#9142
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Posted 18 January 2020 - 09:47 PM
DAY: 1,750 - Sunday
Today seemed like a day of perfect timing. I knew my parents were going out at some point and I wanted to be home to b/p when they did but I had no clue when they were going. Eventually I got restless and figured I'd just leave the house and go b/p elsewhere since I hate waiting for people. Sometimes it feels like I just need to keep moving. I don't like sitting still and not doing anything but that's really not a "I need to burn calories" kind of thing, it's like a personality trait type of thing I think.
I b/p'ed once and then went to get some groceries. I went to Aldi today and guess who I ran into while I was there! My parents. Rather than that being awkward, it was actually perfect. I knew exactly where they were now. It was also about 11:20am at the time, which meant that they hadn't gone somewhere quickly for lunch and were most likely going to go to a restaurant at 12pm. It also meant they needed to go back home before they did that because they'd have to put away their groceries from Aldi.
I quickly finished up shopping, I didn't really get a whole lot and I think I was more focused on calculating timing and where everyone was going to be. I dashed home, put away my groceries and then figured I'd have some time to prepare some binge foods for later this evening. I quickly made some sandwiches and his them away in the fridge. I basically get a section of the fridge to myself so I hid it under my cheese. My parents come home just as I finished up. Then they began discussing "where are we going for lunch?". That was music to my ears. I overheard where they were going and then shortly after, they left. I made zoodles for the first time in ages. They were amazing! I purged and cleaned up way before my parents got back home. I could have b/p'ed again but I didn't want to risk it. Soon after I was going to make dinner anyway.
I had a slice of my leftover lasagne (which I added even more cheese too because why not?), chips, steamed veg and gravy. Then for dessert I had a chocolate mousse, yoghurt and a lemon ice cream on a stick. I purged in the shower afterwards.
And now for some even better news! Well, maybe it isn't that great but I'm excited nonetheless. My parents were talking about going to Melbourne for the day tomorrow. I seriously hope they go. That will give me a day to myself where I can b/p and where I don't have to go out to waste loads of money on fast food. I can have zoodles again and egg sandwiches and whatever the hell I want. If they don't end up going I'm going to be so upset but I guess I'll get over it quickly. I'm probably not going to sleep well tonight in anticipation. That's what generally happens the night before I get the house to myself for a long period of time.
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#9144
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Posted 19 January 2020 - 08:28 AM
I saw an idea about using zucchini for lasagna, instead of using pasta. But the idea was that it's less calories and that doesn't matter if you're gonna purge and have a layer of zucchini anyway haha.
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Posted 19 January 2020 - 02:46 PM
Neverland_, on 19 Jan 2020 - 08:15 AM, said:
Hope they will be out tomorrow! <3
They didn't go. I'm so annoyed! I knew this would probably happen. I hate how they even mention it if they don't intend to actually go. I guess it will be another regular, waste of money, kind of day for me...
Hope you're doing alright <3
Sending lots of love x
Darmanitan, on 19 Jan 2020 - 08:28 AM, said:
I saw an idea about using zucchini for lasagna, instead of using pasta. But the idea was that it's less calories and that doesn't matter if you're gonna purge and have a layer of zucchini anyway haha.
I've seen that done too and I'd give it a go but as you said, I already had zucchini in the filling. It would work with veg mince, like a regular kind of lasagne. Maybe I'll try that someday.
xxx
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Posted 19 January 2020 - 09:49 PM
DAY: 1,751 - Monday
My day was ruined before it even really started. As expected, I could barely sleep because I was excited to be home alone for the day. I got up early and had a morning b/p before my parents got up. I could only hear my dad getting up and ready for the day, which meant he was going to work and my mum was sleeping in for a bit. I assumed from that that they weren't going to Melbourne after all and my mum would be home all day. It really bummed me out for a while. When my mum did finally get up, I said "weren't you going to Melbourne today?". She said something about my dad having other things to do but they're going on Wednesday instead. I won't hold my breath for that to happen but hopefully they will go Wednesday.
My mum had to get her blood work done so she left the house to do that. I know that would only take about 20 minutes so I had the quickest b/p ever. She wasn't even home an hour after I'd finished it so I really didn't need to rush so much but I couldn't have known. I left the house to go b/p. I b/p'ed twice out of the house, got groceries and then went home.
Dinner was similar to yesterday but instead of chips, I had cous cous along with my last slice of lasagne and steamed veg. I also had two bowls of ice cream, one with chocolate topping and the other with peaches. And then also an ice cream on a stick. I purged in the shower afterwards. You can't really tell from the picture but the cous cous was a mountain! Apparently it serves two... it served just one of me.
I'll b/p a few more times this evening, go to sleep and repeat.
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Posted 19 January 2020 - 10:04 PM
Kodos, on 18 Jan 2020 - 9:36 PM, said:
I'm the opposite I think. I'll dig things out of the trash, pull off moldy bits of bread, eat things that might be questionable. I guess since I think "I'm going to purge anyway" I don't care so much. And I've actually never had food poisoning in my entire life so I don't know how that works! You've probably already thought of this but do you freeze any bread? You could freeze it on the same day you get it so it stays fresh. I guess that only works if you want toast though
What about a 20 year old hamburger? Well, aside from the fact that it's meat of course.
I saw a video of a guy who had kept a hamburger for that long. It looked fine, except for the pickle.
Another guy kept a fried sausage from December 31 1999 which "could be the last snack made in the last century".
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Posted 19 January 2020 - 11:54 PM
Darmanitan, on 19 Jan 2020 - 10:04 PM, said:
What about a 20 year old hamburger? Well, aside from the fact that it's meat of course.
I saw a video of a guy who had kept a hamburger for that long. It looked fine, except for the pickle.
Another guy kept a fried sausage from December 31 1999 which "could be the last snack made in the last century".
I wouldn't go that far haha
I've seen those videos too! I somehow went down a YouTube hole and wound up watching a guy open super old cans of food. Most of it still looked fine to eat but I don't think I'd try it considering they were at least 50 years old.
x
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Posted 20 January 2020 - 10:49 AM
Thank you so much for the recipe or at least a version o what you've made! ♡♡ lots of love.
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Posted 20 January 2020 - 06:57 PM
It's_A_Cruel_World, on 20 Jan 2020 - 10:49 AM, said:
Yes I have frozen bread before! But like you said it only works for toast - which I love but fresh bread is the best. .I just have this strange intense fear of food poisoning it's so weird. I WISH I could just eat everything but my brain is so meticulous about the types of food or at least how it's prepared/it's clenliness and freshness ahaha.
Thank you so much for the recipe or at least a version o what you've made! ♡♡ lots of love.
It's not completely weird since we are supposed to have fears around certain things to protect us. I guess it gets difficult when it's such an intense fear that stops you from having certain things. I hope you can overcome it someday if it is something you want to work on.
That's okay! Let me know your thoughts if you ever decide to try it out
Sending lots of love right back to you xxx
#9151
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Posted 20 January 2020 - 09:31 PM
DAY: 1,752 - Tuesday
I have this private playlist of song videos on YouTube that I think I started back in 2012 or something like that. Last night I decided to put it on shuffle and it was like reliving the past few years of my life through music. I basically just keep adding songs I like to it every now and then. If I come across a song that I love, I add it to the playlist and sometimes songs line up with stuff happening in my life. Some songs I can't even listen to anymore because of the bad memories associated with them. A lot of them got deleted from YouTube too, so that's annoying but it happens. I was up super late just listening to music. It was nice but I probably should have been sleeping instead!
Today was pretty standard. I left the house in the morning, b/p'ed twice, got groceries and then went home.
For "dinner" I made vegetarian tacos! Why are tacos so hard to eat?! They're amazing but they go everywhere. I guess it's a small price to pay. It's also difficult to get a decent picture of them I find. I ended up eating nine tacos filled with vegetarian mince, lettuce, cheese and salsa. Then I also had ice cream in a bowl with chocolate topping and a lemon ice cream on a stick. I purged in the shower afterwards.
I'm just praying that my parents actually do go to Melbourne tomorrow. Having the day to myself would be amazing but I won't get my hopes up. My parents are known flakers so I'll just feel things out tomorrow and see what's up.
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#9152
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Posted 21 January 2020 - 09:57 AM
It's been ages since I wrote a reply in your accountability, but have been following up, because you seem like such a nice person, and that's an understatement!
I love reading your daily updates, but in a way they also make me feel sad.
I guess mostly because your parents don't seem to offer any kind of support. Correct me if I'm wrong, but they don't ever speak up? Try to talk to you about your ED?
And sure, it's such a tough and sensitive topic, but ignoring it won't make it go away, it will only make it worse.
And it might also strengthen the ED-thought that “I'm doing just fine”?
You're not doing fine and you know it.
Your life is 100% controlled by your ED and I wish so much better for you.
Yes, even just the tiniest steps towards recovery can be excruciatingly hard, but they will better your quality of life.
Even if it's just something small like one “meal” that you wouldn't purge, like you did at some point, with yoghurt and grapes. That's not nearly enough, but it's a start.
You've probably heard all of this before, but I just needed to put this in writing. I really hope reading all of this doesn't make you hold back in writing freely here.
It's so “easy” for me to give advice behind a computer screen...
I'm NOT judging you, you didn't chose to have this illness. I'm writing out of compassion, because I can clearly see your worth, even if you don't.
Take care, x.
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#9153
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Posted 21 January 2020 - 01:58 PM
Lizzzer, on 21 Jan 2020 - 09:57 AM, said:
It's been ages since I wrote a reply in your accountability, but have been following up, because you seem like such a nice person, and that's an understatement!
I love reading your daily updates, but in a way they also make me feel sad.
I guess mostly because your parents don't seem to offer any kind of support. Correct me if I'm wrong, but they don't ever speak up? Try to talk to you about your ED?
And sure, it's such a tough and sensitive topic, but ignoring it won't make it go away, it will only make it worse.
And it might also strengthen the ED-thought that “I'm doing just fine”?
You're not doing fine and you know it.
Your life is 100% controlled by your ED and I wish so much better for you.
Yes, even just the tiniest steps towards recovery can be excruciatingly hard, but they will better your quality of life.
Even if it's just something small like one “meal” that you wouldn't purge, like you did at some point, with yoghurt and grapes. That's not nearly enough, but it's a start.
You've probably heard all of this before, but I just needed to put this in writing. I really hope reading all of this doesn't make you hold back in writing freely here.
It's so “easy” for me to give advice behind a computer screen...
I'm NOT judging you, you didn't chose to have this illness. I'm writing out of compassion, because I can clearly see your worth, even if you don't.
Take care, x.
You're always so sweet, Lizzzer! I've been wondering how you were doing. I really hope all is going well because you 100% deserve a better life than the one an ED can give you too <3
Thank you so much for wanting to keep up to date and reading this thread. I feel my life is extremely repetitive and boring at this point, so it's nice to know that people still see some good qualities in me when I feel as though they're all gone now. My parents are a bit of a mystery to me. When they first discovered my ED (I think that was back in min-2016) they were very "on top of it". Telling me to go to the doctor, to see a psych, constantly pestering me about appointments etc. We talked about it a lot at the time. Then as time went on, I guess they got used to it all, much like an ED suffer gets used to their habits and comes to see them as "normal". I've been at a very low weight now for at least 4 years now I think. It's sort of who everyone sees me as now and even I myself can't imagine much different.
Every now and then my mum will say something to me about getting better but I always dismiss her. I don't blame them for keeping mostly quiet because I've been given "help" which never worked and I guess they're tired of dealing with it all so they choose to ignore it. I have two older sisters as well. One seems that she literally couldn't care less and the other has apparently been extremely concerned but she's never really mentioned it to me. She's told other people in my family and also some friends of mine that she's worried though. I think I am kind of manipulative in a sense because I'm always walking on eggshells making sure to keep everyone happy so that they won't mention my ED. I don't want to have those conversations. If I feel a conversation is headed in the ED direction, I steer it elsewhere. I'm always making jokes and seeming like I'm happy so no one will tell me to change to be happier. I'm mostly to blame for people not caring because I don't give them much to go on other than the only thing they can see; my weight.
Your advice is great and I do agree with you that starting small would be something at least. The only issue is that I can purge things hours later and it doesn't seem to affect my weight. When I was eating the grapes and yoghurt, I always ended up purging them in b/p's later in the day so it felt pointless. I can't stop b/p-ing and a big part of me doesn't even want to. Unless I truly want my ED to go away completely then I don't think it will ever go anywhere.
I'm sorry for the essay, I think I got carried away a bit!
I really appreciate you writing this, it really does mean a lot to me. I'm the most annoyingly stubborn person you'll probably ever meet. I promise I read and take in your advice but I find it hard to take the advice that others give. I'm not sure why I'm like that. It would probably benefit me so much more if I just did what others want me to do in regard to my ED.
Sending you loads of love and hoping you have a wonderful day! xxx
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#9154
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Posted 21 January 2020 - 06:17 PM
Kodos I love reading your accountability; I've been following for a while. honestly dating apps are stressful and I think it's so impressive that you're putting yourself out there. do you like to read?? I highly recommend ursula k leguin. she passed away a while back but she's one of those authors who embraces minimalism in a really aesthetic and provocative sense so maybe you'll enjoy her work?? anyway I'm rooting for you and wish you much love <3
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Posted 21 January 2020 - 07:42 PM
Holy shit bro we are the same height but i only got down to 88 pounds before being thrown in the hospital. I was wondering if you had any photos from that weight... sorry if thats weird or creepy I'm just like crazy curious what bmi 11.4 looks like
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Posted 21 January 2020 - 10:59 PM
BabyCow, on 21 Jan 2020 - 6:17 PM, said:
Kodos I love reading your accountability; I've been following for a while. honestly dating apps are stressful and I think it's so impressive that you're putting yourself out there. do you like to read?? I highly recommend ursula k leguin. she passed away a while back but she's one of those authors who embraces minimalism in a really aesthetic and provocative sense so maybe you'll enjoy her work?? anyway I'm rooting for you and wish you much love <3
Thank you so much for following along! <3
I do like to read but I rarely do anymore. I find it hard to just stop and do something other than b/p, buy food or cook food these days. I actually wrote down a few weeks ago in the notes on my phone "read more". Sometimes I just jot down small reminders or ideas in my notes but usually nothing comes of them. I keep going in book stores too but I never buy anything because I don't know which one to choose; it gets overwhelming. I generally enjoy fiction more than anything else but I'll check her out and see if her work is something I'd be interested in too. Thank you for the recommendation!
You're so kind, thank you! Sending loads of love right back to you xxx
BeautifulSkinnyDreams, on 21 Jan 2020 - 7:42 PM, said:
Holy shit bro we are the same height but i only got down to 88 pounds before being thrown in the hospital. I was wondering if you had any photos from that weight... sorry if thats weird or creepy I'm just like crazy curious what bmi 11.4 looks like
I'm really sorry that happened to you but it certainly is a dangerously low weight for our height. I've been hovering around this weight for so long now that it sort of seems "normal" in a way; even if I know it truly isn't. I do have pictures and I think I posted some on here already quite a while back. I'll have a look through my posts and see if I can find the page number. I believe it was around June 2018.
Hope you're having a wonderful day x
Edit: My first update on pg 299 has some pictures. I don't remember my exact weight from then but I know I was almost at my lowest. I'm around the same weight right now but I haven't taken body check pictures of myself in a very long time.
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Posted 21 January 2020 - 11:07 PM
DAY: 1,753 - Wednesday
I finally had the house to myself today for the almost the entire day. My parents went to Melbourne to go to the casino, have lunch and possibly see a movie at the cinema. They still aren't back yet but man, I am exhausted! It's just hit 5pm and I already b/p'ed 9 times today. All I have done is cook, binge and purge. I made one quick supermarket trip but that's didn't take too long. Before my 9th b/p I was already feeling exhausted so I sat outside for about 15 minutes but then went right back to it. I need a break now though. I'll wait for my parents to come home and then b/p probably twice more before going to bed. That'll put me at a total of 11 for the day. I honestly can't believe that used to be my standard amount for each day. no wonder I got so sick in 2018.
When I was at the supermarket today I found this. I tried it already and it's so good! Kitkat in Australia is so different to the ones from anywhere else. I've tried Kitkat's from the USA, UK and Japan; none of them are as sweet as the Australian kind. Maybe I'm biased but the Australian ones are the best in my opinion.
Tomorrow I'll go back to having my mum around almost 24/7. At the moment I really don't care because I feel like I binged on everything I was craving but I bet I'll wake up tomorrow wanting it all again...
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#9159
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Never grow up
Posted 22 January 2020 - 08:50 AM
Those kitkat's look amazing!
Sorry to hear you've been b/p so much. I am glad, however, you had the house to yourself for a day. It was about time haha!
I hope you can get some rest now and hopefully do not feel too bad tomorrow.
Take care hun, I'm thinking of you <3
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Posted 02 March 2020 - 02:55 PM
— it’s been a while since I commented. I read every morning, a ritual of opening up this thread and checking your update after getting ready. Originally, it was because I was invested in the lifestyle you had with battling your ED. I almost wanted to learn, in a sick way, how to follow suit and navigate the world like you.
I know you’d absolutely detest that idea, of course.
Nowadays, I come here just to assure myself you’re alive. Some nights I do to bed and wonder what I’d do if you didn’t post. I’m so afraid of you disappearing at times I begin re-reading this topic sporadically, pretending I’m in another frame of your timeline here to ensure I have plenty more days to come with you and the picture of your world.
Kodos, I know you don’t want recovery. I know you tried and fought so bravely to face your ED and the help failed you. I feel such guilt over pushing you and then having the services neglect you in so many ways. I wish I could take back that nightmare you endured and make it right. I still feel so bitter over how much it defeated you. It still remains fresh in my mind; the joy over seeing you begin to physically heal only to watch you put in agony without a care for how you fared mentally.
I feel your sadness every day. I feel as if I’ve been waiting for something for the longest of times. A turning point, negative or positive — because this way of living is not one that can be truly sustained, least the ED pretend. You hurt so much and say so little of the aches and miseries. I know you don’t think yourself worthy to be healthy.
I wish I could protect your heart from this world. It’s done nothing but abuse your warmth.
I don’t know why I wrote so much and so little at the same time. I have these thoughts so often and have deleted many attempts at posting here. I don’t feel like I belong to this place; it feels too gentle for how brash I am.
Nobody belongs to this forum to spend their time letting themselves be in this pain, though. I know this is how we cope and how we learn to forgive and hope, but I really just wish the connections we have here didn’t exist if for the sake of being alive without this ED holding us captive.
Kodos, I have no right to intrude and ask of you anything. I have no right to judge, to advise, to even speak as if my words count for anything. But I just want to ask you — selfishly, so selfishly — to please not continue down this road. I know it’s been ongoing for years, but that time duration is nothing compared to a lifetime. Your now is not your forever.
It’s never too late to try and be the person you wanted to be. I’m really begging you to please fight against your ED. I know how the rejection might come on, but I really couldn’t hold back this time again to not let you know how much I want you to regain control of your life. I’m always here for you, silently praying for your happiness. You deserve to live. Please, please know that. I’m sorry how you’ve been let down.
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Posted 02 March 2020 - 09:05 PM
It's_A_Cruel_World, on 02 Mar 2020 - 01:16 AM, said:
Hey! Just catching up over the last few days!
I can really sense the urgency when you're away at Uni and feeling like you just want to BP instead!
I've gone external this year so I can stay home not go to any pracs... and make bad decisions (go me) instead, like sh or bp.
I can kind of understand.
Alsoooo, guess who got approved for a house on Friday (this is where I have been - organising my stuff out of storage and signing a lease!) I am finally off the street, out of my car and my cats are back with me. The first thing I did was massive BP session that I swear almost killed me. It was awful and amazing at the same time.
After 4 weeks of floating around.
Anyway, thought I'd hijack your post.
I hope that your job works out well for you!!! I bet you're an amazing note taker!!!
You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear that!! Of course, I am sorry about the b/p and s/h, but I'm still glad things are much better in terms of your living situation. I knew things would work out eventually!
Thank you so much! It was much easier to focus and do uni work for someone else than it is to do the work for myself. If only I could be as dedicated and hardworking towards my own course. I've literally done nothing towards my own course but I feel like I'm on top of the work for the course I did in the job yesterday. I guess I'll catch up somehow...
Sending you lots of love xxx
Darmanitan, on 02 Mar 2020 - 06:27 AM, said:
I'm glad to hear that the first day went so well and I hope it keeps on going like this
Did you enjoy it?
Thank you, I really hope so too!
I wouldn't say I enjoyed it but I didn't hate it either. I liked that I learned some things, I earned some money and I didn't waste as much money as I would have if I hadn't worked. The positives outweigh the negatives, so it was more good than bad.
Sending hugs your way xxx
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Posted 02 March 2020 - 09:18 PM
cauchemars, on 02 Mar 2020 - 2:55 PM, said:
Hi Kodos,
— it’s been a while since I commented. I read every morning, a ritual of opening up this thread and checking your update after getting ready. Originally, it was because I was invested in the lifestyle you had with battling your ED. I almost wanted to learn, in a sick way, how to follow suit and navigate the world like you.
I know you’d absolutely detest that idea, of course.
Nowadays, I come here just to assure myself you’re alive. Some nights I do to bed and wonder what I’d do if you didn’t post. I’m so afraid of you disappearing at times I begin re-reading this topic sporadically, pretending I’m in another frame of your timeline here to ensure I have plenty more days to come with you and the picture of your world.
Kodos, I know you don’t want recovery. I know you tried and fought so bravely to face your ED and the help failed you. I feel such guilt over pushing you and then having the services neglect you in so many ways. I wish I could take back that nightmare you endured and make it right. I still feel so bitter over how much it defeated you. It still remains fresh in my mind; the joy over seeing you begin to physically heal only to watch you put in agony without a care for how you fared mentally.
I feel your sadness every day. I feel as if I’ve been waiting for something for the longest of times. A turning point, negative or positive — because this way of living is not one that can be truly sustained, least the ED pretend. You hurt so much and say so little of the aches and miseries. I know you don’t think yourself worthy to be healthy.
I wish I could protect your heart from this world. It’s done nothing but abuse your warmth.
I don’t know why I wrote so much and so little at the same time. I have these thoughts so often and have deleted many attempts at posting here. I don’t feel like I belong to this place; it feels too gentle for how brash I am.
Nobody belongs to this forum to spend their time letting themselves be in this pain, though. I know this is how we cope and how we learn to forgive and hope, but I really just wish the connections we have here didn’t exist if for the sake of being alive without this ED holding us captive.
Kodos, I have no right to intrude and ask of you anything. I have no right to judge, to advise, to even speak as if my words count for anything. But I just want to ask you — selfishly, so selfishly — to please not continue down this road. I know it’s been ongoing for years, but that time duration is nothing compared to a lifetime. Your now is not your forever.
It’s never too late to try and be the person you wanted to be. I’m really begging you to please fight against your ED. I know how the rejection might come on, but I really couldn’t hold back this time again to not let you know how much I want you to regain control of your life. I’m always here for you, silently praying for your happiness. You deserve to live. Please, please know that. I’m sorry how you’ve been let down.
It's so good to hear from you! I think about you often and wonder how you're going. Sorry if that sounds creepy
You are such an incredibly beautiful person inside and out. Please never, ever feel any sort of guilt around me and the decisions I made in the past. I chose to try recovery. Yes, people here helped me come to that decision and supported me through it, but that's what a good person would do. I'm glad you were there to support me during that time but ultimately the decision was my own. No one should feel any guilt over the fact that it didn't work out for me. Guilt is a terrible thing to feel and I know it isn't easy to not feel it under certain circumstances but I promise you that from my view, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. It makes me feel guilty to hear that you feel guilty. We have to stop this guilt train!
Your writing is so beautifully put that it genuinely touches my soul. I swear I don't know how you do that but you seem to do it each time we speak. It's not a bad thing at all. I often feel like I have build up these walls around me where nothing touches me emotionally anymore but you seem to be able to break through all of that.
I wish I could do what you are asking but I know I won't. I can't lie to you and say that I'll try right now. Perhaps in the future my mind will change but there is not a big part of me that feels the need to try recovery again. Maybe there is a small part of me that wants it but there is a bigger part of me that doesn't. I don't see the point right now considering I feel okay physically and mentally (well, apart from last week when life was crazy and crashing down around me but things are better now that I have my routine somewhat back in place). I chose to try to recover in the past because I felt terrible physically and mentally and I couldn't do it anymore. I don't feel like that right now. Maybe I will again in the future, but not now. I'm really sorry. I wish I could give you a better response.
On the bright side, I feel like I am coping well right now. Yes, life could be better without all the b/p-ing but regardless, I am okay.
This is such an awful response to a beautiful message. I'm sorry it's probably not the one you wanted but again, I won't lie to you and say that I'm going to try recovery when I know I won't.
Sending lots of love to you <3
I hope everything is going okay. You deserve nothing but happiness in your life xxx
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Posted 02 March 2020 - 09:34 PM
DAY: 1,794 - Tuesday
Today didn't really go as planned. I was supposed to have a doctors appointment this morning so I got up early. As I was getting ready and just about to put my shoes on and leave for the doctors clinic, I got a call. It was my doctors office, I know the number, so I answered. It was one of the receptionists and she was calling to let me know that my doctor had called in sick. I had the option to see another doctor today or reschedule. I of course chose to reschedule because I really could not face seeing a different doctor. Who knows what they'd do. I rescheduled my appointment for this Friday. I'm slightly annoyed because I cancelled my job for Today in order to be able to make my doctors appointment but now it turns out that I could have worked and earned some more money. I couldn't have know this would happen though so there's no point getting upset over it. Above all, I just hope my doctor is okay and heals quickly. I have no idea what I'd do without him so I certainly hope it isn't anything serious.
That entire paragraph looks so selfish. I think I am the definition of selfish and it disgusts me greatly.
Since I was pretty much ready to go out (I put more effort into my appearance when I go to things like doctors appointments compared to when I just go out to get groceries or b/p), I left the house to get some groceries. My mum was working at 10am so I was only out briefly before I went back home. I kept most of the food I got in my car and took inside the things that needed to be refrigerated. When my mum left for work, I hauled in the rest of my food from my car, put everything away in my wardrobe and then began the b/p frenzy. I b/p'ed 5 times before my mum came back from work.
I'm still yet to do any uni work. My first assignment is due in two weeks and I haven't even looked at it. Basically the next three months are going to be stressful hell to go through. I have 11 assignments due, a three week placement in a school and then 8 hours of work each week on top of that. Plus all the b/p-ing I do on a daily basis and a daily grocery store trip as well. Easter will be crammed in there somewhere too. I just pray no one asks me to socialise because I have no time for that! But sometimes that guilt of not having seen any of my friends for a while gets to me so I accept the socialisation offer and then just feel terrible about it because I have so much else I need to be doing instead. Oh life, why must you be so difficult at times? It's my fault though. Without all the b/p-ing, grocery trips and constant procrastination, I would have loads of spare time! Unfortunately we don't live in a perfect world. Or maybe that is fortunate because a perfect world would probably be just as horrible and hard to keep up with as the current one.
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Posted 03 March 2020 - 02:16 PM
Kodos, reading your words almost made me cry (in a good way!)... You have such a gift with being open with people and seeing such brightness in all things. I am so humbled to know you. I know I will carry the guilt furthermore, try as I might to swallow it down. I know it’s useless in hindsight, I guess the mind doesn’t care for that though. All I know is that you were failed and I can’t stop that heartbreak for you occurring again and again — to remove that would make little of what you went through and if letting the hurt in means I can appreciate your effort in fighting, well I suppose it’s a fair trade off. Gosh, we are really notorious for boarding these type of trains to the wrong places though. Story of our lives, I suppose. ;<
Thank you for giving me the emotions to fuel those haphazard words. Without you I think I’d be more cynical and less inclined to want to speak with anyone, truth be told. You teach me a lot about courage and wisdom to want to express things. Without you, I doubt I’d have any confidence to post — I feel safe in this space, thanks to you. There’s no greater wish I have but to be like the light you shine upon others. You bring so much comfort to so many people. We’re all indebted to having you to get us through the hardest of times.
It’s okay. I completely understand. I will always wait for you to make that decision; no matter where you go from here, I will be here to offer all I can for you to be safe from this lifestyle. You won’t be alone in that regard, my spirit has been centered on looking out for you from afar for longer than I can remember by now.
Your response went above and beyond for me. Please don’t worry about that. I’m a very lucky person today because of it. It filled me with positive energy, like nothing else could.
Please be brave and know you are incredible. I hope you stay strong and healthy. Remember how beautiful you are. x
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Posted 03 March 2020 - 02:57 PM
cauchemars, on 03 Mar 2020 - 2:16 PM, said:
I am so thankful for your love and care. You never cease to amaze me with how you are always so welcoming and sweet. ;_;! You don’t sound creepy in the slightest, I’m actually happy to know you think of me; I’m glad to know someone is looking out for me with as big a heart as you. That is incredibly lovely.
Kodos, reading your words almost made me cry (in a good way!)... You have such a gift with being open with people and seeing such brightness in all things. I am so humbled to know you. I know I will carry the guilt furthermore, try as I might to swallow it down. I know it’s useless in hindsight, I guess the mind doesn’t care for that though. All I know is that you were failed and I can’t stop that heartbreak for you occurring again and again — to remove that would make little of what you went through and if letting the hurt in means I can appreciate your effort in fighting, well I suppose it’s a fair trade off. Gosh, we are really notorious for boarding these type of trains to the wrong places though. Story of our lives, I suppose. ;<
Thank you for giving me the emotions to fuel those haphazard words. Without you I think I’d be more cynical and less inclined to want to speak with anyone, truth be told. You teach me a lot about courage and wisdom to want to express things. Without you, I doubt I’d have any confidence to post — I feel safe in this space, thanks to you. There’s no greater wish I have but to be like the light you shine upon others. You bring so much comfort to so many people. We’re all indebted to having you to get us through the hardest of times.
It’s okay. I completely understand. I will always wait for you to make that decision; no matter where you go from here, I will be here to offer all I can for you to be safe from this lifestyle. You won’t be alone in that regard, my spirit has been centered on looking out for you from afar for longer than I can remember by now.
Your response went above and beyond for me. Please don’t worry about that. I’m a very lucky person today because of it. It filled me with positive energy, like nothing else could.
Please be brave and know you are incredible. I hope you stay strong and healthy. Remember how beautiful you are. x
Wow, I think that was just about the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Although I feel like I am the worst role model in the world, it still does make me feel happy to know that not all of me is a bad example. I had such a difficult time posting on this site for quite a while after I first joined. A lot of places here don't feel very welcoming and it's like you have to tiptoe around and be very careful with your words in order to not offend anyone. I'm glad to hear that you feel this is a safe space. Everyone here is wonderful and there is honestly nothing anyone can't say. Even if it is something bad, I would never get mad at anyone. I'm the luckiest person here though. To have all of you wonderful people supporting me means more than I could ever express in words.
Thank you for all the support you give and for always looking out for me. You're incredible, do you know that? Even though you go through difficult times yourself, you still endeavor to make sure others are okay too. It's a trait I believe every person on earth should have. It's not hard to just be a little kinder to one another. Thank you for being a wonderful role model yourself!
Sending you all the love and hugs <3
I hope you have a wonderful day because you deserve nothing less xxx
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Posted 04 March 2020 - 01:21 AM
DAY: 1,795 - Wednesday
Last night I missed a call from my doctors office. I tried to call back but by the time I did, they had finished work for the day and gone home. All I got was an automated message saying to call back in the morning. I somehow let my mind run wild and could not stop worrying. I thought through a bunch of different scenarios trying to figure out why they would call me. The two things that stuck out the most that I couldn't get out of my head were that my doctor was very sick and wouldn't be in all week or that he had died. Maybe that is dramatic but I couldn't stop thinking it and it had me so worried. I couldn't wait for the morning to hurry up so that I could find out what was happening.
Eventually the morning came and I called the clinic back. My doctor was fine, they were just calling because they got my appointment mixed up and had to fix it. I seriously can't believe how worried I got and how much I let it affect me last night. I'm glad everything is okay. It was such a relief to finally know why they called me last night.
I stayed home to b/p while my mum went out shopping for a bit in the morning. Once I had b/p'ed and cleaned up, I left the house to b/p some more. I b/p'ed twice and then got some groceries.
At the supermarket today, the woman on the register said that the store has been so busy lately. The store was also cleaned out of toilet paper! People are going crazy here buying up masses of toilet paper, pasta, long life milk and other long shelf life items. It's all because of the whole COVID-19 (Corona virus) thing. I really think people are overreacting about it and the media is causing fear and panic that is totally unnecessary. In some other countries the risks are much higher but in Australia I think there are only around 40 cases in the whole country. And even if you do get the virus, the chances of dying are pretty slim. I think the recovery rate is 80% or something like that, but it would be higher in countries outside of the Hubei Provence where mortality rates are higher. Anyway, I just think people are going mad over nothing... perhaps my regard for my own safety is just low and that's why I don't care but I genuinely believe the while pandemic thing is very much blown out of proportion by the media.
In the afternoon I had another work shift. I went to a 2 hour art seminar and took notes for a girl in the class. It was actually a really interesting class. I've never really been to an art class before apart from ones in primary and high school. I really enjoyed it. People spoke their mind and there were no wrong answers. It was quite refreshing.
I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed by all the things I need to do. I seriously need to start writing things down because there is a mess of errands running through my head that I need to complete. It'll all be fine though, I'm sure of it.
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Posted 04 March 2020 - 02:34 AM
No, you.
! All you put, I’m redirecting back for you to embrace. You have a fitting description for yourself in what you wrote. I wish you could love yourself in the same way you love others. I keep saying it, but you are so deserving.Thank you to infinity.
I’m so relived that all worked out to be alright. It’s important to care and be sensitive in such circumstances. It means you have a special bond with your doctor and that’s something precious to have.
Please stay safe and take care. I believe in you achieving all your goals. Love and hugs. x
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Posted 04 March 2020 - 09:13 AM
You can compare it to the flu, except there's no vaccin. Just wash your hands and stay home when you're feeling sick. Especially avoid people with poor health, like the elderly.
If you can survive the flu, you can survive Covid. You will feel horrible for 2 weeks, but that's it.
SARS is also a Corona virus and we survived that as well. It's just the massive media attention and the unknown causing panic. I mean, we knew the flu but Covid is new. A virus escaped from a lab? Sounds scary.
There has been a 10% increase on the sale of those items here. But we also had holidays here and they usually notice an increase in this week.
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Posted 05 March 2020 - 12:02 AM
cauchemars, on 04 Mar 2020 - 02:34 AM, said:
You are far from the worst, oh goodness. You are not a bad example from being affected by your disorder. That’s grossly unfair to feel your real identity has been removed because of your struggles. You are more than your ED behaviours and thoughts. We all know your true colours, and to steal those same song lyrics — that’s why we love you! You deserve a sense of belonging and please let here be that if you can’t have that elsewhere. I know we’re all gratified to offer anything of positivity to you. Thank you for being you and for being here.
No, you.
Thank you to infinity.
I’m so relived that all worked out to be alright. It’s important to care and be sensitive in such circumstances. It means you have a special bond with your doctor and that’s something precious to have.
Please stay safe and take care. I believe in you achieving all your goals. Love and hugs. x
Aw, thank you so much, you really made my day! You're way too kind to me <3
Sending lots of love and hugs right back to you xxxx
Darmanitan, on 04 Mar 2020 - 09:13 AM, said:
You can compare it to the flu, except there's no vaccin. Just wash your hands and stay home when you're feeling sick. Especially avoid people with poor health, like the elderly.
If you can survive the flu, you can survive Covid. You will feel horrible for 2 weeks, but that's it.
SARS is also a Corona virus and we survived that as well. It's just the massive media attention and the unknown causing panic. I mean, we knew the flu but Covid is new. A virus escaped from a lab? Sounds scary.
There has been a 10% increase on the sale of those items here. But we also had holidays here and they usually notice an increase in this week.
Agreed! I honestly don't recall people panicking like this during the SARS outbreak. I think the media and social media is to blame for the panic buying. It's madness at the supermarkets here. I feel like it is bringing out the worst in some people too. It's like we're turning on each other out of fear.
Hope you're doing okay <3
Sending lots of love xxx
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Posted 05 March 2020 - 12:21 AM
DAY: 1,796 - Thursday
I'm feeling so stressed out about everything at the moment. I've been trying so hard to keep it all together but it's getting to be almost too much. I'm handling it all okay so far but I foresee a break down if things don't come together for me very soon.
I'm having issues with setting up my employee account for my new job. I've had to make phone calls, drop in trips to the office, hours on the computer trying to make my account work but it just won't! Tomorrow I am going in to the office to hopefully get it sorted out for good. If I don't get it done tomorrow, I won't be paid until 3 weeks time because apparently the pay is fortnightly and the cut off for this round is tomorrow evening. I made an appointment to speak with someone tomorrow at 10am. I also have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning just before so I really hope I don't run into any delays. I need to make that 10am appointment just for my own sanity.
On top of that, I'm stressed about Centrelink payments. In Australia you can get an allowance from the government to study if you meet the criteria. That's what I've been living off for months now. The issue is, now that I am earning some money, they will cut my payments way back. I might even end up getting less money in while working. And if that is the case, why they hell would I bother to even work? I'm barely getting by as it is and I have less time for my own studies. I wish I had a cash in hand job so that I could actually maybe make some savings. I'm running out of money fast and I wish I could keep both the amount I get from the government now and the amount I earn from my job. I guess I am just lucky to get anything from the government at all and I sound so spoilt right now so I'll just stop talking...
I b/p'ed once and then had to get petrol; another expense I can barely afford but is a necessity. Then I went to the supermarket to get groceries, as I do every day. It was absolute madness! People everywhere! The shelves were empty in some areas and the lines to checkout were super long. The man who served me said it has been crazy over the past week. People legit go up to him in the aisles asking when the next toilet paper shipment will come in. I honestly cannot believe this panic. Am I seriously the only one not even slightly bothered by the virus? I suppose I can relate to the panic buying though because it's almost like what I do with my disorder. I stock up on food each day in fear of running out because I need that constant food supply in order to appease my b/p habit. In that sense, I can relate. It's just irrational fear.
When I was back home, I b/p in my room. I should have studied but I really wasn't feeling it. When my mum left for work, I b/p'ed 4 times in a row. The first binge was a dinner time b/p that I cooked and had ready just as my mum walked out the door. I made a vegetarian parma with roast potatoes, loads of veg, tomatoes and onions and loads of gravy.
Now this is where I say the stupid thing I am doing for this week (as if I don't do stupid things literally every single day already! ). I stopped talking my potassium tablets again. I just really don't want to. I'm tired of it. I know it's dumb but I just don't want to take them anymore. What's the point? Well, the point is to not feel sick. But I feel like I'll be fine. It's been 3 days of not taking them now and I'm doing just fine. I think I just want to feel something. Sick, tired, like death; just something. I'm sick of being so fine and I also have this strange desire to punish myself right now. It's really hard to explain why I am avoiding taking them. Ultimately I guess the answer is because I am stupid. I'm not taking them again until I feel sick. Or perhaps I won't take them at all anymore. Time will tell.
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Posted 05 March 2020 - 01:26 PM
Kodos, on 05 Mar 2020 - 12:21 AM, said:
Ultimately I guess the answer is because I am stupid.
No, you are mentally ill. That's something different. It's a 'stupid' action, but you're not a stupid person.
Mental illnesses make us do stupid things.
I have read almost exactly the same thing today. A girl in the US who started working and now has to pay a lot more for insurance, which means she gets even less money than when she wasn't working.
It's the same for me. I get about €1300 a month for not working. €1000 for my disability and about €300 as a 'discount' on rent and insurance. Working means that I lose that discount, so I will have to earn €1300 a month right away to break even. That's just impossible. I will still get €80 a week from my budget manager for fuel and groceries, which means I end up with less money for groceries. And I will lose a lot of free time. So I only lose things by working, without getting anything in return.
I have passed a hospital which had a corona patient and there was a Chinese guy with a mask coughing next to me. It didn't make me wanna stock up on toilet paper and long shelf life items...
In fact, I've always been buying toilet paper when it was 2 for 1 and sometimes sold the 2nd package for profit
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Posted 05 March 2020 - 07:40 PM
Darmanitan, on 05 Mar 2020 - 1:26 PM, said:
No, you are mentally ill. That's something different. It's a 'stupid' action, but you're not a stupid person.
Mental illnesses make us do stupid things.
I have read almost exactly the same thing today. A girl in the US who started working and now has to pay a lot more for insurance, which means she gets even less money than when she wasn't working.
It's the same for me. I get about €1300 a month for not working. €1000 for my disability and about €300 as a 'discount' on rent and insurance. Working means that I lose that discount, so I will have to earn €1300 a month right away to break even. That's just impossible. I will still get €80 a week from my budget manager for fuel and groceries, which means I end up with less money for groceries. And I will lose a lot of free time. So I only lose things by working, without getting anything in return.
I have passed a hospital which had a corona patient and there was a Chinese guy with a mask coughing next to me. It didn't make me wanna stock up on toilet paper and long shelf life items...
In fact, I've always been buying toilet paper when it was 2 for 1 and sometimes sold the 2nd package for profit
I think I'm still stupid though because I can see right from wrong, yet I choose wrong. If I genuinely didn't think what I was doing was wrong, then I think I could blame mental illness.
It's horrible! I'm really sorry things are like that for you too. It makes absolutely no sense. It's like you are punished for trying to better yourself and get a job. Where is the incentive to work if you basically just get punished with financial hardship for doing so? I can work but I can't work enough to support myself as well as study full time. It really does feel impossible.
People are selling toilet paper online here at insane prices. It's terrible that people are trying to profit off of something like this...
xxx
#9395
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Posted 06 March 2020 - 12:33 AM
DAY: 1,797 - Friday
This morning I had my doctors appointment. It turns out my doctor was sick with some type of cold and that's why he had a few days off work. I think today was his first day back. He was still a bit snuffly but he assured me he wasn't contagious. I wasn't worried about it at all but he even joked after coughing and sneezing that "you probably want to run right out of here!". I just laughed and said it was fine.
All of my blood test results came back fine apart from one thing. My blood count keeps getting lower and lower with each visit. The last test showed it at 112g/L. Normal for females is 120-160g/L so it isn't worryingly low. My doctor just can't work out why it is dropping. Usually a low blood count is the result of low iron, low B12 or poor kidney function; none of which apply to me. Once again, I am a medical mystery! I did some research later on when I got home and I might suggest hypothyroidism as a possible cause. I have no idea if I had that but judging by the symptoms, it could make some sense. One thing that mostly stood out was that hypothyroidism causes high cholesterol, which I have. That was another thing my doctor couldn't explain, my high cholesterol. Perhaps it would all make sense after getting my hormones checked? I won't see my doctor again until next month so I'll bring it up then.
After my doctors appointment, I had to quickly rush over to the university where I work to make an appointment with my employer. I had to get my staff account all set up and be walked through all the admin stuff. I was glad to get that over with because I was stressed about my account not working. Everything works fine now so that is one less thing I need to worry about.
I b/p'ed once while I was out, got some groceries and then went home. My mum wasn't home when I got back. I had no idea where she went but I decided to b/p very quickly. Luckily I managed to do so before my mum came home. My mum went out to work shortly after she got back home and my day then basically looked exactly like yesterday. I had dinner ready just as my mum was leaving for work, I b/p'ed 3 times after she left. Now I will just wait for my dad to go to his shed so I can b/p some more.
I think I need to employ my old study strategy of getting up super early (between 5-6am) in order to get some university coursework done. I've got assignments due soon that I haven't looked at. I literally haven't done any uni work at all actually and that's a problem. Maybe I will set my alarm for 5:20am tomorrow. I have a feeling I won't want to get up though because lately I've been feeling extremely tired. I even went back to sleep after hearing an alarm I had on my phone the other day, which is something I very rarely do. Luckily I always set multiple alarms but it left me less time to get ready to go out.
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#9396
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Posted 06 March 2020 - 01:38 PM
^^high cholesterol is actually pretty common in people with anorexia. once you reach a healthy weight it usually comes back down.
also, BPing wrecks havoc on your kidneys so I wouldn't be surprised if your kidney function is not optimal. i wish you would try to reduce at least, all this BPing may not be doing any immediate damage but it will catch up to you eventually, kidney failure is no joke
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#9397
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Posted 06 March 2020 - 01:56 PM
trying4recovery, on 06 Mar 2020 - 1:38 PM, said:
^^high cholesterol is actually pretty common in people with anorexia. once you reach a healthy weight it usually comes back down.
also, BPing wrecks havoc on your kidneys so I wouldn't be surprised if your kidney function is not optimal. i wish you would try to reduce at least, all this BPing may not be doing any immediate damage but it will catch up to you eventually, kidney failure is no joke
I've a done a bit of research on ED's and cholesterol and found exactly that! There seems to not be a real reason for it and it is unclear whether those high cholesterol levels are as dangerous in severely underweight people as compared to someone with a normal or high BMI (in other words, does it still raise your risk for heart attacks and stokes?).
My blood test results show that my kidney function is fine. Once in the past it was poor but I bounced back somehow. Thank god for that though because it was horrendous to go through!
Thank you for wanting the best for me, I really appreciate it <3
Sending you lots of love!
xxx
#9398
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Posted 06 March 2020 - 03:54 PM
I’m super interested in COVID19 right now. As individuals it’s nothing to freak out about, but as far as world problems go it is concerning. The flu has about 0.5% death rate and corona is about 2.5%. Doesn’t seem like much but that was about the same rate as the 1918 Spanish flu (that hit 1/3 of the world population and killed 50 million). It’s progressing faster than that because even though our sanitation methods are better, we interact with more people daily. It is bound to grow exponentially but if we can apply strict measures in this first stage, when infections are only in the thousands, we can slow down the process tremendously while waiting for the vaccine to go through trials.
#9399
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Posted 06 March 2020 - 05:52 PM
The hardest part is when you're contagious before you even feel sick. I think that's what's happening now.
Also saw the numbers of the other coronaviruses. SARS had a mortality rate of 15% and MERS was a whopping 35%, but it spread slower.
#9400
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Posted 07 March 2020 - 12:01 AM
hummocado, on 06 Mar 2020 - 3:54 PM, said:
When did you start feeling extremely tired? Potassium may be connected. I know it can be hard to see it, especially given how low it’s gotten in the past. I think it’s amazing how much you’re taking on too! Makes sense you’re exhausted.
I’m super interested in COVID19 right now. As individuals it’s nothing to freak out about, but as far as world problems go it is concerning. The flu has about 0.5% death rate and corona is about 2.5%. Doesn’t seem like much but that was about the same rate as the 1918 Spanish flu (that hit 1/3 of the world population and killed 50 million). It’s progressing faster than that because even though our sanitation methods are better, we interact with more people daily. It is bound to grow exponentially but if we can apply strict measures in this first stage, when infections are only in the thousands, we can slow down the process tremendously while waiting for the vaccine to go through trials.
It was pretty much exactly when I stopped taking the potassium, so I think you are spot on in saying they are connected. I'm so used to feeling okay now that I almost immediately felt the effects of not taking the tablets. It's harder to get up in the mornings, I feel way more tired and standing up for long periods of time takes it out of me more than before. I don't feel sick though.
I actually heard on the news yesterday some stats about COVID-19 in Australia that made me think that maybe it is far more serious than I had thought. Apparently the projected infection rate in Australia is at 20% of the total population. Considering the death rate of the illness, that would mean that around 50,000 Australians would die from the virus. That's a massive chunk of our population. Those stats put things into perspective for me and I can now see why some people are panicking. But still, panic isn't going to solve the issue, it just makes things harder on everyone else. It really is interesting to watch how it's all unfolding though!
Sending you lots of love xxx
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Posted 15 August 2020 - 08:03 PM
Kodos, on 15 Aug 2020 - 12:40 AM, said:
Thanks for always being so kind. You're talking absolute logic right now but even so, it often seems to go in one ear and out the other with me.
Sending lots of love xxx
Time to put a plug into that other ear so it sticks in your head
#9962
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Posted 15 August 2020 - 09:45 PM
DAY: 1,958 - Sunday
I visited my nana last night. It rained while I was walking to her house but I didn't mind at all. I actually love walking in the rain at night when the streets are quiet. You pass houses with people inside who are warm and dry; you can see the flicker of their TV's, hear their voices, pat their cats who have been left out in the cold. And no one knows you're there. You're this quiet entity wandering the dark streets of the night; barely making a sound. It's always so peaceful and gives the perfect opportunity to reflect; not that I don't do enough of that already. My nana was doing well. She asked me if I could do some shopping for her so that became today's mission.
This morning I was briefly left home alone. I b/p'ed within about 10 minutes. My dad came home before I had a chance to clean up so I had to sneakily get rid of the dishes in my room without him seeing. I helped him hang the washing and then I left the house. First I b/p'ed and then I got groceries. I really hate having to shop for someone else because it's too much to carry when I also have to shop for myself as well. I don't mind doing it when it's for my nana but it does cause me more stress than usual. I got everything I needed but it was a massive struggle trying to carry it all inside in one go. I refused to make two trips from my car to the house.
While I was in my car, I decided I should check out my mouth because it's so sore. Honestly, the best place to ever inspect your mouth is in the car through the rear view mirror. The lighting is perfect! I don't know how to describe it but the best I can do is with the term "salt burn". I don't know if that's even a thing but I have two big burn/ulcer type things on the roof of my mouth and every time I eat something salty (which is every few hours and in large amounts) it burns it even more so it isn't healing. I need a b/p break for a long period of time for it to heal but that's not happening anytime soon.
Dinner was pretty much the same as yesterday but I also had some onion rings too. Tomorrow I'll have to think of something else to make but it will need to be something quick because I won't finish my note taking job until the late afternoon.
In about 15 minutes, I am having a video chat with my friends. Originally I was going to go to Melbourne to hang out with my friends today but since I'm in stage 3 restrictions and Melbourne is in stage 4, that had to be cancelled. It will be good to see my friends but I feel exhausted by all these video chats. I seem to have no less than one per day (I'll have four on Tuesday) and the weekend is my only relief. But now I am having one on my usual day off from video chats. The pandemic somehow made my life busier than ever somehow even though I've had to stay home more.
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#9964
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Posted 17 August 2020 - 12:35 AM
Darmanitan, on 16 Aug 2020 - 07:01 AM, said:
I saw this and wanted to share it with you. It sounds good!
Looks interesting! I've seen zucchini bread recipes quite a bit in food magazines but I've never made it before. Seems like a similar concept to banana bread I guess. I bet it tastes good!
xxx
#9965
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Posted 17 August 2020 - 12:42 AM
DAY: 1,959 - Monday
I got up, left the house, got petrol, did a grocery shop and then b/p'ed on food that I shouldn't have been eating because it was extremely salty... Then I rushed back home to be on my computer in time for the lectures I needed to take notes for. I did one of the lectures and then had a 1.5 hour break before the next lecture was set to start. During that break, I made a pizza to keep in the fridge so that it was all ready to go in the oven once my last shift was over.
It looks plain and simple but sometimes those are the best kinds of flavours! My pizza has a garlic aioli base with onions, mushrooms and cheese. It was so good!
My mouth is still wrecked but I definitely didn't b/p today as much as usual so I hope that helped at least a little bit.
I'm dreading tomorrow, it's going to be such a long day. I'll have 4 zoom calls to attend; two for work, one for my group project and then another for a market research job I applied for. I'll get $80 for taking part in a 1.5 hour zoom call, which isn't half bad! It kills me to even think about the time it is scheduled for though; 7:45pm. Why on earth would you schedule a video chat so late? That means I will have to miss out on one of my usual b/p sessions. That's the part that hurts the most. I'm trying to see it in a positive way though and the only way I can do that is to think that maybe it will be good for my mouth to miss that b/p session.
I've got an assignment due next week that I still haven't started. My problem is that I don't understand the second section of the assignment. I guess I should email my lecturer about it but I don't even know what to ask!
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#9966
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Posted 17 August 2020 - 09:43 PM
DAY: 1,960 - Tuesday
There was a slight change of plans today. I took notes for a one hour lecture this morning. About 45 minutes before the next lecture was set to start, the girl I am taking notes for said that she wouldn't be attending the tutorial due to not feeling well mentally. I really hope she feels better soon and I wish I could help her more but I think if I did anything other than send her a reply of understanding then I'd be overstepping the boundaries of my job.
Since the second lecture was off, that meant I had loads of spare time. I wasn't going to leave the house at all today but since I had time, I did. I went out, b/p'ed pizza and then went back home. Soon after getting back home, I made another pizza to b/p; the same kind as yesterday.
I've got two more zoom meeting's tonight and then I'm done, but I won't be done until 9:15pm. It's only 2:40pm right now so that seems like forever away! I wish this day would hurry up and be over already because tomorrow I get to be home alone. I'm sure my sister will pop around at some point but hopefully she won't stay long or get in my way.
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Posted 18 August 2020 - 05:36 PM
Kodos, on 17 Aug 2020 - 9:43 PM, said:
There was a slight change of plans today. I took notes for a one hour lecture this morning. About 45 minutes before the next lecture was set to start, the girl I am taking notes for said that she wouldn't be attending the tutorial due to not feeling well mentally. I really hope she feels better soon and I wish I could help her more but I think if I did anything other than send her a reply of understanding then I'd be overstepping the boundaries of my job.
A "you can always talk to me if you need someone" can't hurt I think?
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Posted 18 August 2020 - 10:00 PM
Darmanitan, on 18 Aug 2020 - 5:36 PM, said:
A "you can always talk to me if you need someone" can't hurt I think?
It's not really within the realm of my job though. I'm not there to be her friend, I am there to work. I'm also not qualified at all to help someone else with their mental health. I just reminded her that there is a lot of help available to her if she feels like she needs it. That's about as much as I can do. If she was a friend and I wasn't getting paid to help, then I definitely would have offered more personal support.
Hope you're doing okay xxx
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#9969
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Posted 18 August 2020 - 10:09 PM
DAY: 1,961 - Wednesday
The market research job last night was a different experience. It all went fine but I don't think I am the type of person the researchers hope to get because I won't speak unless someone asks me something directly. Everyone in the group (there was about 10 of us) seemed to be able to jump into the conversation whenever they wanted to apart from me and one other girl who also didn't talk unless spoken to. The topic of conversation was basically all about how we are feeling during lock down being in the town we live in. Everyone pretty much agreed that they hate it, which isn't exactly my opinion at all but I wasn't going to interrupt anyone to say that... I only spoke twice the entire 90 minute conversation; first to introduce myself and then once when a woman asked me a question directly. The rest of the time I sat there listening silently. I still get paid for it all though so it was easy money!
All I've done so far today is cook, b/p 6 times and make a quick trip to the supermarket. The day isn't over yet and my guess is that I will end today with a total of 9 b/p sessions.
I'm feeling pretty dizzy again today, so maybe it's dehydration? I have no idea. I just hope I don't end up fainting somewhere that isn't ideal, not that fainting is ever ideal but it's so far only ever happened to me on two separate occasions when I was in my bedroom and no one else saw. I'm back taking 2 potassium tablets each day so I don't think it's low potassium at all. It must be something else but I can't quite work out exactly why I've been feeling weird lately. Dehydration might be the answer though.
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Posted 19 August 2020 - 10:15 AM
Kodos, on 18 Aug 2020 - 10:09 PM, said:
DAY: 1,961 - Wednesday
The market research job last night was a different experience. It all went fine but I don't think I am the type of person the researchers hope to get because I won't speak unless someone asks me something directly. Everyone in the group (there was about 10 of us) seemed to be able to jump into the conversation whenever they wanted to apart from me and one other girl who also didn't talk unless spoken to. The topic of conversation was basically all about how we are feeling during lock down being in the town we live in. Everyone pretty much agreed that they hate it, which isn't exactly my opinion at all but I wasn't going to interrupt anyone to say that... I only spoke twice the entire 90 minute conversation; first to introduce myself and then once when a woman asked me a question directly. The rest of the time I sat there listening silently. I still get paid for it all though so it was easy money!
All I've done so far today is cook, b/p 6 times and make a quick trip to the supermarket. The day isn't over yet and my guess is that I will end today with a total of 9 b/p sessions.
I'm feeling pretty dizzy again today, so maybe it's dehydration? I have no idea. I just hope I don't end up fainting somewhere that isn't ideal, not that fainting is ever ideal but it's so far only ever happened to me on two separate occasions when I was in my bedroom and no one else saw. I'm back taking 2 potassium tablets each day so I don't think it's low potassium at all. It must be something else but I can't quite work out exactly why I've been feeling weird lately. Dehydration might be the answer though.
Dehydration may be causing low blood pressure. make sure to hydrate after each BP, not only for the blood pressure but for your kidneys too, you are putting a lot of strain on them.
#9971
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Posted 19 August 2020 - 07:15 PM
Kodos, on 18 Aug 2020 - 10:09 PM, said:
I just hope I don't end up fainting somewhere that isn't ideal, not that fainting is ever ideal but it's so far only ever happened to me on two separate occasions when I was in my bedroom and no one else saw.
I'm fainting every night in my bedroom
#9972
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Posted 20 August 2020 - 12:48 AM
trying4recovery, on 19 Aug 2020 - 10:15 AM, said:
Dehydration may be causing low blood pressure. make sure to hydrate after each BP, not only for the blood pressure but for your kidneys too, you are putting a lot of strain on them.
I don't think it's low blood pressure because I feel like whenever I have that, it mostly happens if I stand up after sitting. This feels different. It's like a persistent dizziness that even happens when I'm just sitting down doing nothing. It seems to have something to do with my vision too because my eyes don't focus properly when I get a bout of it. Perhaps it is low blood pressure still but it just feel like it's different?
Hope you're doing alright <3
Sending lots of love!
xxx
Darmanitan, on 19 Aug 2020 - 7:15 PM, said:
I'm fainting every night in my bedroom
I hope you mean when you go to sleep!
xxx
#9973
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Posted 20 August 2020 - 12:58 AM
DAY: 1,962 - Thursday
These weeks are literally just flying by! I swear this has been the fastest year of my entire life.
I haven't done a whole lot today. I went out in the morning, got groceries, b/p'ed and then went home. Originally I planned to get some study done but then I decided to b/p instead. My mum was on a work call so I knew she wasn't going to bother me. I shut my bedroom door, binged, purged and then made dinner.
Today I made wraps with a whole bunch of things in them. I roasted loads of veg; onions, tomatoes, mushrooms, pumpkin, zucchini and capsicum. I added that into a wrap with lettuce, avocado spread, feta and some garlic aioli. I had two wraps and then some banana bread with ice cream afterwards.
I managed to have a shower and purge before my mum left for work. Basically as I got out of the bathroom, she left the house so I was alone. I then proceeded to b/p three more times before I had to jump onto a zoom call for a lecture. I took my notes and now I'm done for the day. I need to study but I don't have the brains for it right now.
I'll b/p a few more times before I go to bed this evening.
I must be feeling sensitive today or something because a man at the grocery store almost made me cry. It was over something so stupid too. When I was at the register getting my things checked out, I placed the basket I used to hold all my thing underneath the register where they usually go. As I did, an old man who was behind me said "those go over there!" and he pointed to a pile of baskets further back behind me. I immediately picked up my basket and moved it to where he said. Then the lady at the register said that where I had put it first was perfectly fine. I really think people should be kinder with their words. If the man had just said "please" in his sentence or used a nicer tone then it wouldn't have upset me at all. I went ahead and b/p'ed right after so I forgot about it all pretty quickly anyway I guess.
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#9974
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Posted 20 August 2020 - 08:09 PM
Kodos, on 20 Aug 2020 - 12:48 AM, said:
I hope you mean when you go to sleep!
xxx
That's another way to call it
You said a couple of months ago that you won't have to buy new shoes for a while... But you were wrong
https://www.altpress...lection-launch/
#9976
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Posted 21 August 2020 - 01:11 AM
Darmanitan, on 20 Aug 2020 - 8:09 PM, said:
That's another way to call it
You said a couple of months ago that you won't have to buy new shoes for a while... But you were wrong
The shoes are cute! I wouldn't be confident enough to wear them out though
xxx
itsmylife36, on 20 Aug 2020 - 9:20 PM, said:
I'm glad the lady at the register "corrected" him haha . He didn't need to be so rude, or say anything about it at all!
I don't think the man even heard her say it, she only said it to me to make me feel better I think. Should have moved the basket back just to spite him haha
Hope you're doing alright <3
xxx
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#9977
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Posted 21 August 2020 - 01:17 AM
DAY: 1,963 - Friday
I figured I really need to get working on the assignment I have due next week so this morning I got up at 5am to study. I didn't get a whole lot done and then I proceeded to b/p... I went back to sleep afterwards and then got up for the day.
When my mum went out briefly, I b/p'ed at home and then left the house to go b/p again. Then I got groceries, had a dinner b/p (wraps again), and then b/p'ed another 3 times after my mum went to work.
I'm going to visit my nana tonight. I honestly cannot even be bothered to move from my bed but if I don't go today then I have to go tomorrow, so I may as well just go today since the timing works out better. I have to start my evening b/p's later than usual if I got to visit my nana and since I think my sister will be around late then it just works out better.
It's been the strangest day here weather wise. First it rained, then it was a bright sunny day, then it rained and hailed, then it was sunny again, then it rained and hailed again and then it went back to being sunny. I wonder what tomorrow will be like...
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#9978
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Posted 21 August 2020 - 06:31 AM
Kodos, on 21 Aug 2020 - 01:17 AM, said:
It's been the strangest day here weather wise. First it rained, then it was a bright sunny day, then it rained and hailed, then it was sunny again, then it rained and hailed again and then it went back to being sunny. I wonder what tomorrow will be like...
That sounds familiar
#9979
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Posted 21 August 2020 - 06:35 AM
Kodos, on 20 Aug 2020 - 12:58 AM, said:
DAY: 1,962 - Thursday
I must be feeling sensitive today or something because a man at the grocery store almost made me cry. It was over something so stupid too. When I was at the register getting my things checked out, I placed the basket I used to hold all my thing underneath the register where they usually go. As I did, an old man who was behind me said "those go over there!" and he pointed to a pile of baskets further back behind me. I immediately picked up my basket and moved it to where he said. Then the lady at the register said that where I had put it first was perfectly fine. I really think people should be kinder with their words. If the man had just said "please" in his sentence or used a nicer tone then it wouldn't have upset me at all. I went ahead and b/p'ed right after so I forgot about it all pretty quickly anyway I guess.
People like that I like to kill with kindness. “Aw, bless your heart, sugar lump! Aren’t you just the sweetest for helping me out! “. Maybe blow him a kiss. Angry people get so mad when they can’t rile you up. Lol
I ramble online at Carrots In My Carryon
#9980
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Posted 21 August 2020 - 10:36 PM
thinstrument, on 21 Aug 2020 - 06:35 AM, said:
People like that I like to kill with kindness. “Aw, bless your heart, sugar lump! Aren’t you just the sweetest for helping me out! “. Maybe blow him a kiss. Angry people get so mad when they can’t rile you up. Lol
That's the funniest thing ever! I don't think I'd have the confidence to actually do it though haha it reminds me of how my dad says that if you ever accidentally annoy someone while driving or they seem to be annoyed at you for no reason, you should give them a friendly wave because it makes them madder
Sending lots of love <3
Hope you're having a nice weekend!
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Posted 24 October 2020 - 09:05 PM
Neverland_, on 24 Oct 2020 - 12:12 AM, said:
I feel you so much on the group project. I once had something like it and said 'fack it' and did it all myself. My group mates were really happy with that since they didn't want to put in the effort but the teacher busted us so we didn't pass since we didn't do it as group.... Better wait for them
Good luck and hope the weather is better tomorrow!!
That's so frustrating!! I hate group work because generally everyone is given the exact same mark even when responsibility is usually not shared equally. I will do most of the work and still get the same crappy grade as everyone else...
The weather today has been much nicer, thank you! It's super windy though
Sending love your way xxx
taetricus, on 24 Oct 2020 - 01:06 AM, said:
It’s sad being from Melb because usually everyone here is so hyped about the grand final, even if you’re not really into footy.
Also, your dinners always look so yum!
It was strange having it on so late too. Usually it's on in the afternoon and I go out shopping then because it's like a ghost town! This time it was on in the evening and everything felt off. Even the Melbourne Cup will be very different this year too....
Also, why the hell was no one social distancing at the Gabba? I get that QLD isn't going through a rough time of it, but isn't social distancing mandatory everywhere? Seemed odd to me.
Thank you!
xxx
Darmanitan, on 24 Oct 2020 - 08:27 AM, said:
That sounds like my kind of ad
I've searched for it but couldn't find it. Ended up watching a bunch of GoGurt ads though and they were quite...
Spoilercheesy.
I think they could have even been called "Frubes". It seems that is what they are called in the UK and there are ads for that online but I can't see to find any Australian versions. Old TV ads for kids snacks were so much more catchy than the ones they have today. I also remember the "Stringers" (string cheese) ad. It went "Bend me, shake me, anyway you want me! As long as you eat me! Because I'm all natural cheeeesseee!".
Or Milo: "My mum gives me Milo to go and go and go"
Vegemite: "We're happy little Vegemite's as bright as bright can be, we all enjoy our Vegemite for breakfast, lunch and tea!...".
Why do I remember them all so well? haha
xxx
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Posted 24 October 2020 - 09:14 PM
DAY: 2,109 - Sunday
This is me procrastinating doing any work on my group assignment because there is way too much to do and it's all fallen on my shoulders somehow. I hate this!! How can they all expect me to write a full 8 page report in 24 hours when they've given me little bits and pieces rather than complete sections like we agreed on. I keep saying this and not doing it, but tomorrow will definitely need to begin with an early morning study session...
Today, as I waited for my group members to finish their sections (which they didn't), I b/p'ed twice out of the house, got groceries, had a dinner b/p (avocado toast) and that's about it. I planned on working on the group assignment right now for about an hour but after seeing the state of it, I just can't. I'm going to b/p right now instead and then after that, maybe it will seem easier to tackle...
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#10183
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Posted 25 October 2020 - 11:18 PM
DAY: 2,110 - Monday
So, somehow another Christmas miracle has happened because I managed to smash out the entire group report today. I got up early this morning and worked on it for a solid 4.5 hours before going out to get groceries and b/p. Then I went back home to finish it all off. It's not amazing but I think it will do. I am dreading sending it to my team members though because I changed things a lot... It had to be done though to make it look like one individual piece of work rather than a mash of several people's work. There is one girl who might hate me for what I've done with the report but I guess she'll just have to live with it. And I hope to god we don't fail because then it's basically all on me...
Avocado toast was once again had. I'd love to mix things up but with the drains being so temperamental, I'm too scared to.
I'm basically finished with my studies now because this report was the last thing I needed to get done. I do have to do a group presentation about it on Wednesday night though. Once that is over, I really will be done. Well, apart from my literacy/numeracy tests in November. But then I really will be done!
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Posted 26 October 2020 - 02:36 AM
I've been mia once again but kept reading your thread and since a few days ago, I'm a little more active on my own again.
However: Congrats on finishing the report! I totally feel you on group projects I hated them back when I went to school and would always try to organize people and what we had to do so at least there'd be a little better come out in the end.
Hope you'll have a good night/day (? It's 10:35am on Monday morning here in Germany so I guess it's evening in Australia already)
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Posted 26 October 2020 - 04:07 AM
Also, have you heard about those women in Australia that were involuntarily internally examined after they found a newborn baby in the bathroom? At least I believe that was the story, I was absolutely shocked when I read it! That sort of stuff is classified as rape in the Netherlands. Just wondering how that sort of stuff gets handled in Australia.
Sending love to you
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Posted 26 October 2020 - 10:38 PM
Neverland_, on 26 Oct 2020 - 12:33 AM, said:
Whoooop for productivity!!!
SO glad I managed to get it done. I'm even a little surprised at myself to be honest
Hope you're doing well
Sending love to you xxx
voiceless, on 26 Oct 2020 - 02:36 AM, said:
Hey Kodos,
I've been mia once again but kept reading your thread and since a few days ago, I'm a little more active on my own again.
However: Congrats on finishing the report! I totally feel you on group projects I hated them back when I went to school and would always try to organize people and what we had to do so at least there'd be a little better come out in the end.
Hope you'll have a good night/day (? It's 10:35am on Monday morning here in Germany so I guess it's evening in Australia already)
It's so good to see you again! I hope everything keeps getting better and better for you <3
I feel like no one on earth actually likes group projects... unless you can pick your group and you have good friends that actually share the load. But when does that ever happen?
It was 8:35pm Monday night in my part of Australia when you posted that, so you were absolutely correct! I love this whole "living in the future" thing haha I guess you're probably sleeping now? I hope you have a wonderful Tuesday when you wake up!
xxx
apples_, on 26 Oct 2020 - 04:07 AM, said:
Ahh good job on the assignment! Must be a relief.
Also, have you heard about those women in Australia that were involuntarily internally examined after they found a newborn baby in the bathroom? At least I believe that was the story, I was absolutely shocked when I read it! That sort of stuff is classified as rape in the Netherlands. Just wondering how that sort of stuff gets handled in Australia.
Sending love to you
Thank you! It is a massive relief!
They what?!! I'm actually shocked that something like that would happen in Australia. I hadn't heard about it but I've also been avoiding the news so I may have just missed it. It really doesn't sound like the normal way those things are handled over here, definitely an outlier situation. I'm so disappointed to hear that it happened in my country...
Sending lots of love back to you xxx
Darmanitan, on 26 Oct 2020 - 1:12 PM, said:
Great job
Thank you!! <3
xxx
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Posted 26 October 2020 - 10:47 PM
DAY: 2,111 - Tuesday
My project group had a zoom meeting last night to go over the report and start planning our presentation. I was so worried about what they were going to say about the report, especially since one girl in particular was pretty insistent on having it certain way. When she first saw it, she made a few off comments but accepted it in the end. One thing they did say though was "did you even use any of the parts we wrote?". I did, I just changed them a lot... Another thing that was said was "this is a lot of work". They genuinely seemed shocked at the amount I had written. To be fair, I sort of am too. I wrote a whole 12 page report, the majority of it done in less than a day. I don't know how I managed it but I did. I had to downplay it though and say it was nothing. Now we are working on our presentation, which we will do via a zoom meeting with the entire class tomorrow night. I cannot wait for that to be over! I hate giving presentations even more than I hate group projects.
Today I didn't do too much. I b/p'ed out of the house twice, got groceries, had avocado toast for dinner, purged, b/p'ed again. Now I'm about to do some work on the presentation and hopefully I'll finish that off.
I only just realised yesterday that I have a literacy exam next Wednesday. I thought it was the week after. I can't believe it came around so quickly. I haven't even studied for it yet so I better get cracking on that after tomorrow. The week after I will have my numeracy exam too, which I also need to study for.
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#10190
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Posted 27 October 2020 - 12:08 AM
I only skimmed the last couple weeks but glad you're pushing through the end of uni stuff!
I failed some classes due to just not doing my assessments. I've been too depressed to get out of bed or do much. Doesn't help all my levels are off (vit b12, vit D and iron ugh)
Anyway, just checking in to say I'm still thinking of you!!
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Posted 27 October 2020 - 11:13 AM
Kodos, on 26 Oct 2020 - 10:38 PM, said:
It's so good to see you again! I hope everything keeps getting better and better for you <3
I feel like no one on earth actually likes group projects... unless you can pick your group and you have good friends that actually share the load. But when does that ever happen?
It was 8:35pm Monday night in my part of Australia when you posted that, so you were absolutely correct!
xxx
I wish it would. I'm actually in a downward spiral right now, mentally at least. If everything's going according to plan which you'll never know during COVID, I should have my first therapy session with a new therapist in 2 weeks. Which feels like a very long time and no time equally. Therapy is pretty triggering when it comes to my ED and behaviors I haven't used in a (very) long time...
Anyways, I hope you'll have a nice day when you wake up.
P.S. Your avocado toast always looks so amazing yum!
xxx
#10192
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Posted 27 October 2020 - 03:01 PM
Could you please esplain what was the report about ? 12 pages seem like a lot of work !
(I've been lacking the motivation to do any studying latery and been so lazy , but i guess you gave me a little boost of motivation now haha ^^)
Wish you all the best
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Posted 27 October 2020 - 09:13 PM
It's_A_Cruel_World, on 27 Oct 2020 - 12:08 AM, said:
I'm so proud of you!
I only skimmed the last couple weeks but glad you're pushing through the end of uni stuff!
I failed some classes due to just not doing my assessments. I've been too depressed to get out of bed or do much. Doesn't help all my levels are off (vit b12, vit D and iron ugh)
Anyway, just checking in to say I'm still thinking of you!!
Aw, thank you so much <3
I'm so sorry to hear that. You must be feeling just awful with your levels out of whack. It's incredible how much it can impact every little thing you do when your body just isn't getting what it needs. I hope you can manage to be kind to yourself and get everything back to "normal" (whatever that is!). I'm thinking of you too and I hope things improve very soon just so that you start to feel better.
Sending lots of love xxx
voiceless, on 27 Oct 2020 - 11:13 AM, said:
I wish it would. I'm actually in a downward spiral right now, mentally at least. If everything's going according to plan which you'll never know during COVID, I should have my first therapy session with a new therapist in 2 weeks. Which feels like a very long time and no time equally. Therapy is pretty triggering when it comes to my ED and behaviors I haven't used in a (very) long time...
Anyways, I hope you'll have a nice day when you wake up.
P.S. Your avocado toast always looks so amazing yum!
xxx
It breaks my heart to read that. I'm so sorry. If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know. Wishing you luck for your therapy session! It's awful how those with mental illness have been pushed aside during the pandemic when it's a time that those services are needed the most.
Sending love and hugs your way xxx
skinny fat, on 27 Oct 2020 - 3:01 PM, said:
Wow you should be really proud of yourself for having it done in such a very short amount of time ! (And giving that you b/p too during the day which is exhausting but still manage to finish off the report by yourself ) Your friends must be impressed ^^
Could you please esplain what was the report about ? 12 pages seem like a lot of work !
(I've been lacking the motivation to do any studying latery and been so lazy , but i guess you gave me a little boost of motivation now haha ^^)
Wish you all the best
Sent from my SM-A320FL using Tapatalk
Thank you! I guess the fact that I usually use b/p-ing as a reward is pretty motivating for me, even if that isn't the best way to be motivating yourself to get things done.
The report was about utilising a specific teaching strategy in order to increase student engagement. Honestly, the topic was very boring and dry. I didn't even pick it myself because I would have gone with something much more interesting, but I had to join a group since I didn't know anyone in the class and couldn't make a group myself. It's turned out okay though. I am somewhat friends with the people in my group but I think they are circumstantial friends. The ones where you talk loads while you have something in common but then never speak to again once that thing is over and done with.
Finding motivation is very difficult, so don't beat yourself up about it. I find that if you aren't feeling motivated to do work (and you still have lots of time left to complete it) then you're better off not forcing yourself. If you take a break and don't for a second feel guilty for doing so, it makes it easier to work on it maybe the next day or the day after that. If you're like me and you leave things until the last minute it gets pretty stressful though. However, there is nothing more motivating than a deadline!
Wishing you all the best too <3
Sending love and hugs your way xxx
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Posted 27 October 2020 - 09:23 PM
DAY: 2,112 - Wednesday
I have b/p'ed 5 times today so far and will b/p another two times before the day ends. I have a long wait before the next b/p though. Tonight I am doing my group presentation through zoom. I'm dreading it but I also want it to hurry up and start so then it can be over and done with. I have about 40 minutes until I am doing a practice run through with my group and then an hour after that, the real thing will start. We have to stay for probably 2.5 hours while we present and then listen to all the other presentations too. I'd love to slip out early and maybe I will if I feel like I can get away with it...
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Posted 28 October 2020 - 11:29 PM
Neverland_, on 28 Oct 2020 - 05:31 AM, said:
How did it go?
It actually went fine. I got really nervous before I had to speak but it was over and done with pretty quickly. Hopefully my group gets a good mark. It will probably take a while before we find out though.
Thanks for asking <3
Hope you're doing well xxx
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Posted 28 October 2020 - 11:45 PM
DAY: 2,113 - Thursday
My research group presented our report last night over zoom. There were so many people needing to present that they split the group in two. I was glad about that because it meant that I only have to speak in front of about 25 people rather than 50. I still got really nervous before it was my turn to speak though. It all went fine apart from when my teammate who was running the slide show skipped on of my slides. I didn't realise until I was already done explaining the section and saw that the wrong slide was on the screen. It doesn't matter too much though I guess. Even though I hated the group project, I'm a little sad it's over because that was my last assignment for my masters. I'm basically done with my coursework now and it feels very bittersweet.
This morning I had a doctors appointment. Usually it all goes pretty smoothly but today was a tad different because something "interesting" did happen. Although, it still went smoothly to be fair. I get my blood pressure taken by the nurses before I go in to see my doctor. This morning, the nurse was having a lot of trouble getting the machines to take my blood pressure. She ended up having to track down the childs cuff to take it. When she was putting it on my arm, she asked me if anything had changed since I'd been there last. I said no, which is the truth. I didn't think much more of it. Then I went in to see my doctor and as I sat down, he received a direct message from the nurse I had just seen. The message notified him that she had to use the child's cuff on me today. I guess that flagged to her that I have lost weight, so my doctor became very concerned and asked me if I have in fact lost weight. I said no, which again is the truth. If anything, I have gained weight. The idea that everyone thinks I have lost is actually laughable to me because I look fatter all over. I've gained about 2kg over the last few months. I put it down to those morning b/p's, which I have stopped so hopefully my weight goes down again. I'm torn between caring and not caring. The thing is, I'll b/p just the same no matter what I weigh so weight really doesn't matter much at this point. Anyway, I just thought it was interesting that the nurse would flag something like that. It makes sense though. I suppose I have been under the impression that no one really cared what I did and that these appointments were just routine where nothing really ever happened. It's good to know that they are actually on top of things. The rest of my appointment went really well though, my doctor is honestly the best. I love chatting to him because I learn a lot.
After my appointment, I b/p'ed twice, got groceries and then went home. I did a couple of literacy tests to start practicing for my literacy exam next week. I've always been pretty good at English, so I'm hoping I'll be fine but sometimes there are curve ball questions that I have no clue about. After doing some tests, I had avocado toast, purged in the shower as my mum was getting ready for work, b/p'ed 3 times in a row after my mum left and that's it. I'm going to do some more tests once I post this and then start b/p-ing again once my dad does to his shed.
Although getting more sleep is probably a good thing for me, I am finding it really difficult to get to sleep at night again. When I was getting no more than 5 hours of sleep per day, I literally was falling asleep as my head hit the pillow. It was great. Now I go to bed and lay there for hours until I eventually drift off; it's so frustrating!
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Posted 29 October 2020 - 10:28 AM
I've never commented on here, but I've been reading your accountability intermittently for a while.
I feel like I have to offer some sympathy on the group assignment. I finished both undergrad and law school with absolutely awful group projects. The writing that these kids thought would be acceptable at the university level was just baffling. I actually saved some of it to read whenever I need a laugh. I mean it was so bad I couldn't even polish it because I had zero clue what they were trying to say.
I hope you did well on the assignment! And you can probably take it as a good sign that you were getting so frustrated with the quality of your group's work. If they're passing the course with work that looks poor to you, it means you're actually very good at what you're doing!
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Posted 20 February 2021 - 10:22 PM
Neverland_, on 20 Feb 2021 - 01:11 AM, said:
Don't worry about not always checking in with me, you have a lot going on for yourself and I know that when you can you will
Hope your ankle won't hurt for too long and wishing you a easy Sunday tomorrow <3
I don't deserve you <3
Thank you so much! My ankle feels a bit better today. I'm hoping the week of work won't make it worse though.
Sending love and hugs xxx
uponanaswings, on 20 Feb 2021 - 08:04 AM, said:
I'm so sorry here for you! Am reading and caring
Thank you so much for being here <3
Sending you lots of love and wishing you a wonderful rest of the weekend xxx
thinstrument, on 20 Feb 2021 - 08:55 AM, said:
Here's the thing you want to remember - life threw a random, SUPER stressful situation at you ON TOP OF the new job, new life, sketchy fridge....AND YOU HANDLED IT. Sure you were stressed - that is what normal people would feel! YOU. HANDLED. IT. And you got through it. This is why I remind you that you are KILLING IT. Success doesn't mean you didn't feel stressed. Bravery is being scared and DOING IT ANYWAY.
Sorry to shout haha - my kids are your age and this is stuff I remind them of also....the reality is that none of us ever really know what we are doing....when you're a grownup you just somehow figure it out and keep going. Which is exactly what you did.
If I weren't halfway across the globe I'd bring one of my cats over. When I first moved here, I had a boyfriend cat-sit my orange tabby. He heard a noise in the middle of the night, my cat was FREAKING OUT - he had caught TWO mice in the closet. BF had no idea he had mice
I can't wait to look back on this experience and be able to say that I did handle it because currently I am still going through it and I'm about ready to crack. I feel like I have no safe space anymore. My room is usually my safe space but I'm even scared of being there now too. Every time I go into my room I lock myself in and shove things under the door so nothing can come in. And when I leave, I block it off too.
I keep trying to tell myself that they're just mice. A mammal, just like me. I'm not scared of them specifically, I just hate how they make me feel. It's like my home isn't my home anymore; it's theirs.
Thanks for shouting, it does help <3 I wish I had someone here to tell me these things in person. I also wish your cat could come stay for a while too, he sounds like an amazing hunter! I'm so tempted to go out and buy a cat. I'd have to stop baiting the mice though since I wouldn't want to poison it!
Sending lots of love to you xxx
Lizzzer, on 20 Feb 2021 - 6:50 PM, said:
I cannot begin to imagine how horrible you must have felt at the hospital, nobody should be treated that way...
So I get it, that you never want to experience those feelings again.
Good to hear that you reached out to your housemate, let’s hope these stressy things at home get sorted asap.
Your trolley story reminds of my similar trolley struggles a couple of months ago, harrowing experience
Thank you for being so kind and understanding <3
I know it's super frustrating when someone is complaining about their issues, you give them solid advice and then they don't take it and continue to complain. It's really annoying but I see myself doing it all the time... Maybe one day I'll stop being so stubborn and actually take the advice given.
Why can't people just put their trolley back?! It's really not that hard. I hope you were okay after your trolley incident <3
xxx
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Posted 20 February 2021 - 10:37 PM
DAY: 2,227 - Sunday
The mouse drama continues...
In the evening yesterday I was in my room when I heard a loud noise in the kitchen. I went out to check what it was and saw that one of the little dishes I put rat bait in was tipped over. That means either a mouse ran past and knocked it over, or it was feeding on it and tipped it over. Either way, it was still in the house. I heard them running around in the roof and walls again all night too. I can't do this forever. I can't kill a whole paddock full of mice. They're just going to keep coming forever.
OMG. I just heard a mouse trap go off. Fuck!
Okay, I am back. I just caught another right next to the fridge. I know that is where they are mostly coming from. I feel sick. Last night I went to bed early because I felt so sick. I'm extremely stressed out and constantly on edge while at home. This is like a fucking nightmare. I feel so alone here. I lock myself into my room and cover the opening under my door with my dressing grown robe each time I go into my room. And I also block it off whenever I leave the house. I don't feel safe in my room otherwise. I keep bursting out crying now too because I feel so stressed out and exhausted. And lucky me gets to start another week of full-time work tomorrow.
My housemate got his friend to come over to check out the fridge today. He didn't do much other than let me show him how it switches off the power. Apparently my housemate is going to get an electrician to look at it. I also mentioned the mice issue and my housemates friend said he has issues with them too. He lives a couple of streets over from where I am living. It was sort of nice to talk to someone about it but I'm still on my own in solving the issue.
Once he left, I went out to get groceries and other binge food. I got more doughnuts. My Boston cream doughnut must have hit the lid of the box so it doesn't look as pretty but that's life I guess.
Now I have to go deal with this mouse in the trap. I don't want to touch the trap for a while in case it isn't completely dead yet Otherwise I'll release it and it could run away or something. But I also want to change the trap ASAP in case any more are wanting to come in.
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Posted 22 February 2021 - 10:16 PM
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Posted 25 February 2021 - 05:55 PM
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Posted 26 February 2021 - 05:16 AM
itsmylife36, on 22 Feb 2021 - 10:16 PM, said:
I feel so badly for you and the mice situation, I'm sorry, I wish I had something more helpful to say. I get what you mean about feeling like your space has been invaded. I feel dumb even saying this but I felt like that when I had an issue with spiders in my house once and that was nothing whatsoever compared to mice and only lasted a few days or so, it's just that I remember feeling that exact way you described, like you can't feel comfortable in your own space. I hope that by some miracle they all disappear. Sending you hugs, you're doing a great job dealing with it the best you can even though it truly sucks. Oh and on another note, those doughnuts look awesome!
Having to deal with a spider issue would be so terrible too. I think having anything unwanted in your home is never a good feeling no matter what that unwanted thing is. I'm so sorry you had to go through that and I'm glad to hear that everything got sorted eventually. I'm praying that the same happens for me but I highly doubt it. You kill them and they just come back again.. This area is just infested Even the kids at my school all talk about how the have mice in their houses. I really need to move I think.
Thank you for the kind words, I really appreciate it a lot at a time like this <3
Sending lots of love your way xxx
It's_A_Cruel_World, on 25 Feb 2021 - 5:55 PM, said:
Mice are awful I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this alone. I wish I could help in some way. Is it possible for you to move and find another home to live in - I remember there were other options? They may be taken now but something else could come up soon that's more comfortable for you (if the mouse and fridge situation can't get sorted)
Thank you so much for wanting to help <3
The fridge is sorted now at least, but that was barely a worry in comparison to the mice. I don't think this issue is going to go away anytime soon so moving is looking like the best option. I just need to find some spare time to actually look for somewhere else. It might take me a while but I definitely need to move.
Hope you're doing okay and that you enjoy your weekend!
Sending lots of love xxx
Neverland_, on 26 Feb 2021 - 12:49 AM, said:
Thinking of you <3 Hope you can get some rest this weekend!
Thank you <3
The mice issue isn't over but I'm holding up somewhat okay.
This weekend my mum is having a small party at home for her birthday. I'll be going back to my family home but only for the afternoon. It will be exhausting but also nice to get out of this mouse house for a while...
Sending lots of love to you xxx
voiceless, on 26 Feb 2021 - 12:52 AM, said:
Just thought of you as well, I hope you're doing okay and the mice don't keep you busy much longer. Get some rest before the new week starts, hopefully a less stressful one xx
Aw, thank you for thinking of me <3
I really do hope so too! I'll definitely try to get some rest but its looking like it will be a pretty busy weekend.
Sending love and hugs to you!
Hope you have a great weekend too xxx
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Posted 27 February 2021 - 02:40 PM
DAY: 2,234 - Sunday
It has been an extremely busy and stressful week. Apart from working full-time, I also had to deal with fridge issues and mice. My housemate arranged for an electrician and a pest control guy to come on Tuesday. It was so frustrating having him arrange it all and telling me the times rather than letting me make times that actually suited my schedule.
Tuesday was the worst day. I worked all day and then when I got home, I had messaged from my housemate saying that both the electrician and pest guy were coming that evening. He told me the time but then both of the people ended up coming much later. I waited around for hours for them to finally come. I couldn't even eat or b/p and I hadn't all day. They didn't all leave the house until 8:30pm. It was a long day and I was so over it. The fridge is now fixed and the mice issue is slightly better. There are still mice but the pest guy helped me patch up some of the big holes in the walls. There was a massive hold behind the dishwasher that no one even uses and I think that was the main hole the mice were coming in through. I really liked the pest guy too, he took it all so seriously and he made me feel much better. I was almost in tears telling him about the hell I was going through trying to manage it all on my own. He is supposed to come back again soon to do another inspection but I'm not sure when. The fridge guy had to come twice too because he couldn't fix a part on the day He came back the next day but again was hours late and I waited around all evening for him to come by. I hate dealing with all of this house stuff when it isn't even my home.
Then on another day, I came home to find that the builders next door had a big long cable going from our houses power system into their worksite. They never asked to use the power and I'm pretty sure it's illegal to just take it. I wasn't about to go confront them on my housemates behalf though so I just left it and went inside.
As for school, things are going okay. Some kids are really testing me though because they constantly talk over me in classes. They do it in other classes too, so I;m glad to know it's not just a "me" issue. Still, I need to find better ways to deal with it because it bugs the hell out of me. On the brighter side, I had another student come up to me during yard duty to tell me that I am their favourite teacher and that they love science classes. Those moments really do make it all worth it.
Yesterday I went back to my home town briefly. It's my mum's birthday today and she had a small gathering at our family home. I only went back for the afternoon/evening because I wanted to be home to spend an entire day doing nothing. I'm glad I did come home last night instead of today because now I have a full day to myself before I have to go back to work tomorrow. It was really nice to be home though. First, I visited my nana. I cannot even tell how good it was to see her, hug her and talk to her in person. After visiting my nana, I then went to visit my grandma. It was nice to see her too even if she did make some unsavoury comments about my life but I guess that's to be expected from her at this point. After that, I went home to see my mum, dad and sister and to attend my mums small party. The evening was nice. I ate a bunch, purged, got a whole bunch of leftovers to take back with me and then I returned to the city. Now I have loads of salads and dessert foods. It might seem weird that I actually want to b/p on salads but I love that kind of stuff. I feel like because I can and do eat all I want, I often crave "healthy" foods the most because I probably have those less often than junk food.
During the week I also had a few social invitations for this weekend that I certainly didn't want to accept. I was busy going home anyway so I had an excuse at least. One was from my friend who wanted to do lunch today and the other was from that guy I meet at my friends party a few weeks back. He asked me if I was free again. I previously bailed on our "date" a few weeks ago because I was overwhelmed with work and I said I would message him when I was free so we could catch up. I still hadn't messaged him so maybe he thought I forgot about it. I hadn't. I'm just still busy and too stressed out to want to socialise. I don't even fancy meeting up with him really but I feel like now I owe it to him. I hate having this hanging over my head and I don't want to meet him and then have him think I want to meet up regularly because I don't. I spend all week with people, I don't want to spend my weekends socialising too. I want to be left alone, is that too much to ask?
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#10670
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Posted 28 February 2021 - 07:25 AM
I’m hoping the mouse situation will get better now that the pest guy is taking care of it, moving again would suck! And it always takes a toll, especially for people who don’t cope well with changes.
I’m rooting for you Kodos! Sending hugs and kisses
#10671
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Posted 28 February 2021 - 10:06 PM
Kodos, on 27 Feb 2021 - 2:40 PM, said:
DAY: 2,234 - Sunday
It has been an extremely busy and stressful week. Apart from working full-time, I also had to deal with fridge issues and mice. My housemate arranged for an electrician and a pest control guy to come on Tuesday. It was so frustrating having him arrange it all and telling me the times rather than letting me make times that actually suited my schedule.
Tuesday was the worst day. I worked all day and then when I got home, I had messaged from my housemate saying that both the electrician and pest guy were coming that evening. He told me the time but then both of the people ended up coming much later. I waited around for hours for them to finally come. I couldn't even eat or b/p and I hadn't all day. They didn't all leave the house until 8:30pm. It was a long day and I was so over it. The fridge is now fixed and the mice issue is slightly better. There are still mice but the pest guy helped me patch up some of the big holes in the walls. There was a massive hold behind the dishwasher that no one even uses and I think that was the main hole the mice were coming in through. I really liked the pest guy too, he took it all so seriously and he made me feel much better. I was almost in tears telling him about the hell I was going through trying to manage it all on my own. He is supposed to come back again soon to do another inspection but I'm not sure when. The fridge guy had to come twice too because he couldn't fix a part on the day He came back the next day but again was hours late and I waited around all evening for him to come by. I hate dealing with all of this house stuff when it isn't even my home.
Then on another day, I came home to find that the builders next door had a big long cable going from our houses power system into their worksite. They never asked to use the power and I'm pretty sure it's illegal to just take it. I wasn't about to go confront them on my housemates behalf though so I just left it and went inside.
As for school, things are going okay. Some kids are really testing me though because they constantly talk over me in classes. They do it in other classes too, so I;m glad to know it's not just a "me" issue. Still, I need to find better ways to deal with it because it bugs the hell out of me. On the brighter side, I had another student come up to me during yard duty to tell me that I am their favourite teacher and that they love science classes. Those moments really do make it all worth it.
Yesterday I went back to my home town briefly. It's my mum's birthday today and she had a small gathering at our family home. I only went back for the afternoon/evening because I wanted to be home to spend an entire day doing nothing. I'm glad I did come home last night instead of today because now I have a full day to myself before I have to go back to work tomorrow. It was really nice to be home though. First, I visited my nana. I cannot even tell how good it was to see her, hug her and talk to her in person. After visiting my nana, I then went to visit my grandma. It was nice to see her too even if she did make some unsavoury comments about my life but I guess that's to be expected from her at this point. After that, I went home to see my mum, dad and sister and to attend my mums small party. The evening was nice. I ate a bunch, purged, got a whole bunch of leftovers to take back with me and then I returned to the city. Now I have loads of salads and dessert foods. It might seem weird that I actually want to b/p on salads but I love that kind of stuff. I feel like because I can and do eat all I want, I often crave "healthy" foods the most because I probably have those less often than junk food.
During the week I also had a few social invitations for this weekend that I certainly didn't want to accept. I was busy going home anyway so I had an excuse at least. One was from my friend who wanted to do lunch today and the other was from that guy I meet at my friends party a few weeks back. He asked me if I was free again. I previously bailed on our "date" a few weeks ago because I was overwhelmed with work and I said I would message him when I was free so we could catch up. I still hadn't messaged him so maybe he thought I forgot about it. I hadn't. I'm just still busy and too stressed out to want to socialise. I don't even fancy meeting up with him really but I feel like now I owe it to him. I hate having this hanging over my head and I don't want to meet him and then have him think I want to meet up regularly because I don't. I spend all week with people, I don't want to spend my weekends socialising too. I want to be left alone, is that too much to ask?
For what it's worth, you don't owe the guy from the party anything. Even if you said you would, if you don't feel up to meeting up with him then don't do it.
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#10672
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Posted 05 March 2021 - 12:27 PM
Hope you're alright, Kodos!
Height: 5'55
HW:200
SW:166
CW: was in the 120s then gained this past semester to the 130s/140s. Ugh man
UGW: 90
Maintenance Goal: Staying in the range of the 40kgs (90-105ish lbs). BMI 16 probs the sweet spot.
2021 Accountability: https://www.myproana.../#entry75235121
2020-2021 Older Accountability: https://www.myproana...tarving-artist/
Gave up recovery and the idea of recovering.
I'm not so naiive as to believe that reaching my UGW would be ultimate happiness,
but it is so much easier to be sad and underweight than it is to be fat and depressed.
#10673
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Posted 05 March 2021 - 02:12 PM
I don’t comment here much, but I have been reading your updates for a while now. I don’t think you’ve gone this long without posting before and I’m starting to get worried. I hope everything’s alright and you’re just busy. I’m definitely not trying to tell you that you need to post here daily; in fact I fully understand if you are happier/less stressed when NOT posting often.
Take care.
Stats under spoiler:
Height: 5’1”
Highest Weight: 170.4 / BMI 32.2
Current Weight: 86.8 (12-31-21) / BMI 16.4
Trying to survive alongside this disease, and hoping I will someday find my way out. I am not ready to recover, but I will not willingly succumb to my eating disorder.
M y A c c o u n t a b i l i t y : https://www.myproana...hotos-included/
#10674
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Posted 05 March 2021 - 04:52 PM
Hope to hear from you this weekend ♡♡♡
#10675
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Posted 06 March 2021 - 01:01 AM
apples_, on 28 Feb 2021 - 07:25 AM, said:
The thing with the workers and your roommate scheduling the appointments does seem very frustating, I can definitely imagine you getting annoyed with that! For all he knows you’re working or you could be with a family member or something. I’m petty enough to tell him “sorry but that’s not a convenient time, you have to reschedule or else let me do it because you don’t know how to plan around my plans” because I hate people trying to take control over my life lol. Anyways, enough ranting.
I’m hoping the mouse situation will get better now that the pest guy is taking care of it, moving again would suck! And it always takes a toll, especially for people who don’t cope well with changes.
I’m rooting for you Kodos! Sending hugs and kisses
What made me even more frustrated was that all the people who were scheduled to come at certain time, came late. I cannot stand lateness. I feel like everyone in my life lately is always late too and it's driving me nuts! I do everything I can to make sure I am on-time for people but they can't show me the same respect. I left work early twice this week in order to make sure I was back home for certain appointments and both times the other person was late. And not just buy a few minutes, we're talking at least an hour. Maybe I need to learn how to let those things go I guess but they really bother me.
The mice situation seems slightly better but I've also really come to terms with it so it isn't as stressful as it first was. I guess I got used to have mice around, which is gross but I do feel better...
Aw, thank you so much <3
Hope you have a great weekend!
Sending lots of love right back to you xxx
Little Princess, on 28 Feb 2021 - 10:06 PM, said:
For what it's worth, you don't owe the guy from the party anything. Even if you said you would, if you don't feel up to meeting up with him then don't do it.
I know you're right and I even tell myself that but I'm one of the biggest people pleasers you'll ever meet. I so often sacrifice my own happiness just to make sure someone else doesn't have to feel bad. I feel like I could struggle through one meet up and then leave it at that. But then I guess I run the risk of him wanting to meet up again afterwards... Or who knows, maybe I will surprise myself and actually want to meet up again. I doubt it but stranger things have happened
Sending lots of love to you xxx
Anamia., on 05 Mar 2021 - 12:27 PM, said:
Hope you're alright, Kodos!
I'm okay, thank you! <3
Sending lots of love to you xxx
~ambivalence~, on 05 Mar 2021 - 2:12 PM, said:
I don’t comment here much, but I have been reading your updates for a while now. I don’t think you’ve gone this long without posting before and I’m starting to get worried. I hope everything’s alright and you’re just busy. I’m definitely not trying to tell you that you need to post here daily; in fact I fully understand if you are happier/less stressed when NOT posting often.
Take care.
I'm so sorry to worry you! You're very sweet to care. I have just been really busy lately. With doing full-time work and then coming home to b/p until the moment I go to sleep, I have zero spare time. I seem to only get a solid chance to update here on the weekend so I will try to do weekly updates as a minimum. I do love posting daily but it doesn't seem possible anymore with all that is going on.
I think I need to find a healthier daily routine than the one I currently have but it feels impossible. Since my housemate is away, I have a whole house to myself so when I get home from work, all I do is b/p because I feel like I have to make the most of my time alone before he comes back again. Maybe when he is back, I will have a better routine and be able to get back to daily posting.
Hope you're doing okay too <3
Sending love and hugs your way xxx
It's_A_Cruel_World, on 05 Mar 2021 - 4:52 PM, said:
Thinking of you Kodos! I'm guessing you're super busy with life and working and that's totally okay! Hope you're well.
Hope to hear from you this weekend ♡♡♡
Thank you for checking in with me and you guessed right!
I'm doing okay; nothing too major to report which is always a plus!
I hope you're going okay too <3
Sending hugs your way xxx
#10676
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Posted 06 March 2021 - 01:28 AM
DAY: 2,241 - Saturday
I'm sorry once again for my disappearance. I think you all know the story though, I've been super busy with work, looking after the house and b/p-ing. I'll do a brief run down of the biggest parts of my week.
Monday
I don't remember too much about Monday. I did a full day of work and then went home to b/p until I eventually went to bed.
Tuesday
This was an extremely long day. I had a full day of teaching preps, which is always a massive drainer. And then I had to stay at school until 7:30pm because we had parent-teacher interviews on. I didn't have any parents to meet because I am a specialist teacher rather than a classroom teacher but we were told that all staff had to stay until late as a show of consolidarity... Mind you, we don't get paid for the extra hours either. My job was to help set up the school library. It was pretty boring and laboring. I pulled a muscle in my back and in my arm from carting around heavy shelves and loads of books. The school prepared dinner for all of the teachers. There was pizza, lasagne, salads and a few other things. I had two small plates with a variety of things. I could have had so much more but I didn't want to seem greedy. It was easy enough to purge right after before having to go back to sorting out the library. I think I caught another mouse on this day too.
Wednesday
This was another long day because we once again had parent teacher interviews on so I didn't get home until quite late. I also had a meeting in the morning with the principal and a local organsation about creating a partnership where they would come into the school and teach sustainability during some of my science classes. I was so frustrated by the principal because the meeting was set for 9am and she didn't show up until 10 minutes later. I was waiting for her and the organisation was sending emails saying "we're here ready for the online meeting". She made me look bad by being late and there was nothing I could do about it. And I couldn't even say anything because she is my boss... Anyway, Wednesday eventually ended and we were on to Thursday!
Thursday
I had to attend an online professional learning course all day. That meant the a fill-in teacher (CRT) was going to teach all of my classes. I hated it! I was in a meeting all day int he room next to my science rooms so I could hear all that was happening in my classes. The fill-in teacher was not doing my lessons how I planned them. She took way too long in the explaining part and left students with only 10-15 minutes to finish their worksheet and do their reflections. Being a CRT must be a tough job, especially when you're trying to teach something you know nothing about but it drove me nuts! I guess I am not only a control freak when it comes to my diet/weight, I am also a control freak about how my classes are run.
After work, had to rush off home because the pest guy was coming again. I had booked in with hm for 4:15pm. He didn't show up until 5:15pm. I was SO angry but I had to let it slide. He is really nice, so at least he has that going for him. He said he was caught in traffic, which is fair enough I guess but leave early... We live in the city, you have to plan for traffic. That's what I do and it's not that difficult. The pest guy checked all the bait and was shocked at how much had been eaten. He has to come back again within the week, so I guess I have to deal with that yet again.
Friday
Friday's are usually my planning days at work. I don't have any classes to teacher so I spend my day in the office working on my lessons. I did have a few meetings to go to though. I had one in the morning with the principal about how I feel things are going so far with work. That was over pretty quickly and I hope I left a good impression. I still have no clue what I'm doing but I wasn't about to admit that to my boss. I also had another meeting in the afternoon with my mentor. I'm in the grad program because I am a first year teacher and we get assigned a mentor. That meeting went fine too. My mentor is really nice and I get on pretty well with him, which is always a plus!
Again, I had to leave work at about 4pm in order to accept a phone call appointment from Centrelink/the job people. I wish they would leave me alone to be honest but I have to have a phone appointment with them once per week to "check in". The meeting was set for 4:15pm and I didn't even get a call. By 5pm, I emailed them and just said everything is fine and that I worked my set hours. I got a response saying that is fine. I don't understand why they booked me into an appointment if it wasn't even needed. It's so frustrating having people set times for things and then not follow through with it.
And back to today...
Nothing too major has gone on today. I've just b/p'ed all day, really. My count is at 11 so far but it's only 7:30pm, so there will be lots more.
On the bright side, this weekend is a long weekend! I have Monday off for labour day, so next week will be a short one. I definitely need this mini break to gather myself.
And here are some random pictures that I have on my phone of some things I binged on over this week. I can't remember what days exactly and this is just a tiny, tiny snippet but it's something!
This long weekend is going to be pretty full of b/p-ing if today is anything to go by. I'll probably be more exhausted than relaxed by the end of it...
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#10677
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Posted 06 March 2021 - 07:56 AM
I want to marry that pizza right now
So glad to hear from you. I too hate when they are late (although that could be the fault of whoever books them not allowing sufficient traffic time. I don't care, I'm the customer lol) I did have a garage door repair guy show up 12 hours early once. I had set the appointment for 7 pm and at 715 AM I see a bunch of missed calls. No sir I did NOT set an appointment for 7AM, I'm not even awake then and that would never happen
I ramble online at Carrots In My Carryon
#10679
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Posted 06 March 2021 - 09:43 PM
thinstrument, on 06 Mar 2021 - 07:56 AM, said:
I want to marry that pizza right now
So glad to hear from you. I too hate when they are late (although that could be the fault of whoever books them not allowing sufficient traffic time. I don't care, I'm the customer lol) I did have a garage door repair guy show up 12 hours early once. I had set the appointment for 7 pm and at 715 AM I see a bunch of missed calls. No sir I did NOT set an appointment for 7AM, I'm not even awake then and that would never happen
There are so many great local pizza places around me, it's amazing!
That's so funny! What an odd time for the garage man to even be out working
Lateness or earliness is completely fine with me if there is a valid reason (like thinking it was a different time to what it was supposed to be). But when the person can actually prevent it, it's so annoying to me.
Hope you're having a great weekend <3
Sending lots of love xxx
uponanaswings, on 06 Mar 2021 - 08:23 AM, said:
Pizza looks so good where did you get it want one too, lol
Glad your ok and just been busy. Hope you have a good Monday off you need and deserve the rest! Hugsxxx
I decided to try a new local pizza place. It wasn't as good as the place I usually go to, but it was still decent!
Thank you so much! I hope you have a wonderful weekend too <3
Sending love and hugs to you xxx
#10680
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Posted 06 March 2021 - 09:51 PM
DAY: 2,242 - Sunday
Again, all I've really done today is b/p. It's only the late afternoon so there will be lots more to come but I'm honestly kind of over it already. I've b/p'ed 7 times so far and I feel like there is nothing else good to eat. There is nothing I fancy having right now, which is why I am taking a break and typing this. Still, it won't stop me from b/p-ing lots more today and tomorrow too.
I went to the supermarket at around midday and got a bunch of food. Here is a couple of pictures of things I got. Some cookies from Mrs Fields. These cookies remind me of my childhood because whenever my mum, sisters and I all traveled to Melbourne for a shopping day, we would also get a small bag of cookies to share. We only went to Melbourne a handful of times each year, so it was a real novelty to me. The cookies are as good as I remember.
I also went to my favourite bakery and got a bunch of sweet items. I haven't tried the massive cinnamon thing that's on the bottom yet but it looks really good! The other things I have had before and I know they are great already.
I'm finding that I seem to get super depressed on the weekends lately. I think it's because I b/p so much and it makes me exhausted and also that I don't really see anyone or talk to anyone. I guess I always go out to buy food and I make small talk with people, like those on the registers or the people making the take away food. But it's brief. I'm actually not the type who likes to socialise though, so I'm not sure why I do get so down. It much be the excessive b/p-ing I guess. It makes me feel like this is all my life is ever going to be and that would be a depressing thought for anyone. I don't even know what else I would fill my days with if I didn't b/p though.
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#10682
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Posted 12 March 2021 - 09:03 PM
Neverland_, on 12 Mar 2021 - 04:10 AM, said:
Hoping this week was better and you can get some rest this weekend. Thinking of you <3
Thank you! This week wasn't too bad, although I feel like all I've done is yell... I just wish students would listen! It's seriously not that hard, but apparently for some it is. I guess they're just kids so I should give them some slack but it's frustrating to be talked over constantly.
Thinking of you too <3
I hope everything is going okay! Sending love and hugs xxx
#10683
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Posted 12 March 2021 - 09:10 PM
DAY: 2,248 - Saturday
This week wasn't too bad, although still very busy and tiring. I had meeting after school every day and I barely got a chance to actually stop, even on my "breaks". I feel like I don't even get breaks because there is too much to do. I suppose it's nice to keep busy though. So basically all I did this week is work and b/p, nothing new.
Today I have spent way too much on food yet again and have been b/p-ing all day. I did also do a massive clean of the house but I'm sure it will get dirty again very quickly since there are too many opening from outside to inside. There are so many bugs around. I need to think about moving pretty soon because I hate the mess and I hate the mice here. I really don't think this house is good for my health either. I don't know if it's the house or the constant yelling/talking at my job, but I almost always have a sore throat now. I feel like I'm always getting sick but then I don't. I was trying to look up what that might be an some theories are laryngitis or congestion. I don't really know but I never used to get like ths until I moved into this house and started this job. It's one of the two or both, who knows.
Here are some doughnuts from today. They seem to be a weekend ritual now.
I'm glad I have another day off tomorrow but then I have to go back to work for a full week on Monday. Two days off just isn't enough!
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#10684
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Posted 19 March 2021 - 05:13 PM
Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk
#10685
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Posted 19 March 2021 - 08:20 PM
Poison Pixie 666, on 19 Mar 2021 - 5:13 PM, said:
R u OK hun? I don't know whether your posts aren't loading for me or whether u haven't posted for a while but I hope ur OK and u have just been too busy to post xxx
Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk
You're sweet to check in on me <3
I'm okay, just busy with work. I think I will just update weekly from now on because trying to do it daily is too much for me at the moment. I don't even visit this site apart from once per week now.
I hope you're doing okay too and that life isn't too stressful at the moment.
Sending you lots of love and hugs xxx
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#10686
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Posted 19 March 2021 - 08:37 PM
DAY: 2,252 - Saturday
My week was going well up until Thursday. I had a full day of classes and it seemed that one after the other, the students just wouldn't listen! By the time it got to my final class, my voice was basically gone from having to shout over everyone all day in order to just be heard. My final class was a grade 5/6 class and boy, did they take advantage of the situation. I couldn't really yell or speak loudly, so they just kept talking over me and interrupting constantly. All we were doing was watching a 20 min video of interesting animal adaptations and filling out a simple worksheet about the animals int he video. I had to constantly pause it to tell people to be quiet. It was an absolute mess. We didn't even make it through the video during the 50 minute class. I also had two different teachers come into my classroom to yell at them but it still did nothing. When those teachers left, they just continued to talk. It was so upsetting. I was very close to tears in the classroom but I knew I couldn't let the students see me cry. They already don't respect me, so that would have made it even worse.
When the other teachers came in to help me out, some students literally said to them that they talk and be disrespectful in my science classes because they think they can get away with it. They see me as the nice teacher who won't discipline them. That's when I knew I really had a big issue because they think they can walk all over me and that I'll do nothing.
Once the class was finally over, I went to speak with their home group teacher. She suggested that I keep the students who were talking in at lunch time the next day. She said the punishment had to come from me otherwise they will continue to think they can get away with acting up. As much as I did not want to lay down a punishment (due to low confidence on my part), I knew I had to do it. Once I left her classroom, I was walking back to my office to get my things and go home but I couldn't even make it all the way back without bursting into tears. I passed the assistant principal who asked me if I was okay. I said I was okay and just kept walking. I definitely looked like I was about to cry so I guess he picked up on that. I made a detour for the staff toilets and only just made it inside before I let it all out. Then I cried all the way home and most of the night too. It was such an awful day.
I didn't stop thinking about it and what I was going to say all night and all day the next day until it come time. I gave the students a bit of a lecture, then I made them sit in silence while we let a 5 minute timer run it's course. If anyone spoke, I was going to reset the timer. No one spoke, luckily. I gave them another mini lecture about what I expect of them next class (no talking over me, other students or while we are watching videos) and then let them go out for their lunch break. I felt better after doing that but only time will tell if it actually had any positive impact. I guess this has taught me that being nice gets you no where, not in a school setting at least. Nice means no one respects you and that is a tough lesson to learn. I don't know how to be that strong willed, mean teacher that everyone is too afraid to disrespect but I somewhat have to become that if I'm going to make it as a teacher. It just feels incredibly heartbreaking to think that some students don't respect me. I hate myself enough already, I don't need a whole school thinking I deserve to be treated like shit as well.
Maybe teaching just isn't for me... Obviously I'm not going to quit and give up on it just like that, but if things continue this way then I know I can't keep doing this for too long.
Anyway, here are some cookies I got today. This weekend will be one big b/p party like it usually is before I have to go back to work for another week. I'm dreading it already.
I'm going to ring my nana now and chat to her for a bit. She usually makes me feel a lot better, although talking to her also makes me miss her even more. It will be nice to hear a familiar voice though.
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#10687
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Posted 19 March 2021 - 11:00 PM
That sounds like a nightmare to manage- I'm not surprised some students are testing the boundaries on a new teacher. I hope the lunch timeout sorts out their behavior a bit. I'm sure they'll try again but consistent consequences should calm them down over time. You have all my empathy on this, dealing with unruly children can be difficult especially with little experience.
Kodos, on 19 Mar 2021 - 8:37 PM, said:
I guess this has taught me that being nice gets you no where, not in a school setting at least. Nice means no one respects you and that is a tough lesson to learn. I don't know how to be that strong willed, mean teacher that everyone is too afraid to disrespect but I somewhat have to become that if I'm going to make it as a teacher. It just feels incredibly heartbreaking to think that some students don't respect me. I hate myself enough already, I don't need a whole school thinking I deserve to be treated like shit as well.
Sorry for rambling in advance, but. I don't believe at all that you need to be mean or make them afraid of you to gain respect. You can still be kind and empathetic as a teacher. I don't even think you need to be confident, honestly. However, I think you need to be firm and consistent in consequences. You can't let them push you over. It's not mean to not put up with bullshit. In fact, it's in everyone's benefit in the classroom to be firm against said bullshit.
If they're being loud, tell them to stop and that if they continue, x will happen. If they continue, then do x, and don't feel guilty for their own decisions to continue being disruptive. Remove them from the classroom as needed. Send them to the principal. Write notes to their parents. Hold them in at lunch time. Assign them reflective work. So on. You can ask more experienced teachers for what an appropriate measure would be if you're unsure. Again, you're not being mean, you're just responding as you said you would to their actions (that they chose to do after you warned them clearly on what would happen).
Children learn quickly under that framework. They'll get the message, and that's how you gain their respect. It's nothing to do with being kind or unkind, confident or not, loud or quiet, so on. All sorts of teachers have all sorts of temperaments. I'm confident you can be a good teacher because I'm confident you can be fair and consistent, that you can communicate clearly and effectively. You just need more experience in child management and in putting your qualities into practice.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I believe in you! And I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch right now- I hope you can get some much deserved rest this weekend.
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Posted 20 March 2021 - 07:04 AM
I LOVE the timer exercise - I suspect that was exactly what they needed. You can be strict AND nice - it just takes a bit to find your footing. Once you establish the discipline, you WILL be able to actually TEACH and that's the fun part.
Hugs - the first year is TOUGH but you will never have another first year, I promise! And it isn't personal - they're pre-teens, flooded with new hormones and changing bodies, they act out and don't have as much control as they used to.
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Posted 20 March 2021 - 07:25 AM
You are very smart and tough. Please don’t give up.
I was certified to teach school orchestra (50-90 kids at a time) and this was the exact reason I took a different path after finishing a nightmare long-term sub position. After that, I’ve just taught private violin lessons one-on-one. So please just keep in mind that there are many paths and options out there. Middle/high school classes, individual tutoring, special programs outside of school etc.
In the US, many schools are still remote after 12 months and we keeping reading about how parents are going absolutely mad dealing with their kids all day every day. They are having to face how they raised them. That’s at the root of what you are dealing with. There’s only so much you can do...
Hang in there!
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Posted 24 March 2021 - 03:45 PM
I've worked a little with kids. I find them fascinating individually, but completely exhausting and obnoxious in groups. I think I was the opposite of my colleagues - I much preferred dealing with the parents than their kids! I'm glad I got out. I felt quite guilty switching tracks after so much school, but I knew from the start that it wasn't going to be sustainable for me.
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Posted 26 March 2021 - 08:55 PM
berin, on 19 Mar 2021 - 11:00 PM, said:
That sounds like a nightmare to manage- I'm not surprised some students are testing the boundaries on a new teacher. I hope the lunch timeout sorts out their behavior a bit. I'm sure they'll try again but consistent consequences should calm them down over time. You have all my empathy on this, dealing with unruly children can be difficult especially with little experience.
Sorry for rambling in advance, but. I don't believe at all that you need to be mean or make them afraid of you to gain respect. You can still be kind and empathetic as a teacher. I don't even think you need to be confident, honestly. However, I think you need to be firm and consistent in consequences. You can't let them push you over. It's not mean to not put up with bullshit. In fact, it's in everyone's benefit in the classroom to be firm against said bullshit.
If they're being loud, tell them to stop and that if they continue, x will happen. If they continue, then do x, and don't feel guilty for their own decisions to continue being disruptive. Remove them from the classroom as needed. Send them to the principal. Write notes to their parents. Hold them in at lunch time. Assign them reflective work. So on. You can ask more experienced teachers for what an appropriate measure would be if you're unsure. Again, you're not being mean, you're just responding as you said you would to their actions (that they chose to do after you warned them clearly on what would happen).
Children learn quickly under that framework. They'll get the message, and that's how you gain their respect. It's nothing to do with being kind or unkind, confident or not, loud or quiet, so on. All sorts of teachers have all sorts of temperaments. I'm confident you can be a good teacher because I'm confident you can be fair and consistent, that you can communicate clearly and effectively. You just need more experience in child management and in putting your qualities into practice.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I believe in you! And I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch right now- I hope you can get some much deserved rest this weekend.
Thank you so much for this, it really helped to read! I think I was having a super bad week and I let certain things get to me too much. This week was a lot better.
One of my biggest issues is that I feel bad for disciplining students or making them feel bad, even when I know it has to be done. After disciplining a student, I literally feel like I need to apologise to them or do something to make them feel better. A friend of mine made me feel a lot better about being "mean" when she told me that these are life lessons that these kids need to learn. And rather than it being a bad thing, it's a good thing that I have to lay down the consequences for bad behaviour. They can't get away with doing those things as adults, so they need to learn it now.
Thank you so much for all the advice and for believing in me <3
Sending you lots of love xxx
Neverland_, on 19 Mar 2021 - 11:49 PM, said:
That must be rough... I honestly do thing it's wayyyy to early to say that teaching isn't for you. Give it some time. Built your skills up.
<3
I guess I was having a bad week because this last one was a lot better. Thank you for the kind words <3
Hope you're doing okay!
Sending love and hugs xxx
uponanaswings, on 20 Mar 2021 - 06:22 AM, said:
Thats tough. Sorry. You are kind.
Cookies look yummy,
Talking to my nanna always helped me too!
Aw, thank you so much <3
Sending love to you xxx
thinstrument, on 20 Mar 2021 - 07:04 AM, said:
I LOVE the timer exercise - I suspect that was exactly what they needed. You can be strict AND nice - it just takes a bit to find your footing. Once you establish the discipline, you WILL be able to actually TEACH and that's the fun part.
Hugs - the first year is TOUGH but you will never have another first year, I promise! And it isn't personal - they're pre-teens, flooded with new hormones and changing bodies, they act out and don't have as much control as they used to.
I swear it was the longest 5 minutes of my life!
It seems to have somewhat worked but there are still issues with the class. It's definitely going to take some time to sort out but I did feel a lot better after having done something about it.
I hope you're doing well and having a lovely weekend!
Sending love your way xxx
StrungOut, on 20 Mar 2021 - 07:25 AM, said:
I’ve been in a very similar situation. It’s terrible and I just...I’m so sorry you are dealing with all this.
You are very smart and tough. Please don’t give up.
I was certified to teach school orchestra (50-90 kids at a time) and this was the exact reason I took a different path after finishing a nightmare long-term sub position. After that, I’ve just taught private violin lessons one-on-one. So please just keep in mind that there are many paths and options out there. Middle/high school classes, individual tutoring, special programs outside of school etc.
In the US, many schools are still remote after 12 months and we keeping reading about how parents are going absolutely mad dealing with their kids all day every day. They are having to face how they raised them. That’s at the root of what you are dealing with. There’s only so much you can do...
Hang in there!
50-90 kids! I could never! I think most parents are happy to hand their children over for the day
I feel so much more confident when I get to work with students one on one. Even the troubled kids I find I can make a bigger impact when I have them working on their own (because I've had to move so many to different tables and do individual work). I've never been good at addressing a group or public speaking, so I guess it will take a lot of trial and error on my part. I weirdly do enjoy some aspects of it though. It's really good to students interested in the things I am teaching and to want to know more. It's just that a single student can ruin it for everyone by speaking when they shouldn't be.
Thank you for the pep talk, I needed it!
Sending lots of love your way xxx
Poison Pixie 666, on 21 Mar 2021 - 11:33 AM, said:
Aw I'm so sorry u had such a rough week sweetie! Don't give up on teaching hun. Kids do naturally test the boundaries at every opportunity but once they realise that there are consequences, they will get bored of trying. Failing that, as strungout suggested, there are always other teaching options sweetie. Sending u lots of love and hugs xxxxx
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It was a bad week, but this past one was a lot better. I'm still learning myself and I have much to learn! I'm all ears when other teachers have advice for me because I know I can learn a lot from those who have been in this field for many years now.
Thank you for all the kind words <3
I hope you're doing okay and having a nice weekend.
Sending love and hugs to you xxx
apples_, on 23 Mar 2021 - 11:20 PM, said:
I don’t have anything useful to say, just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you
Aw, thank you so much. I really appreciate it <3
Sending love right back to you xxx
voiceless, on 24 Mar 2021 - 2:07 PM, said:
Thinking of you and sending all my strength and positive thoughts your way. I believe in you and no matter how things turn out in the end, there's always a new door, a new beginning, a different option, a solution. You're not alone even if it might feel like it. xxx
That means so much to me, thank you! <3
Sending lots of love and hugs your way xxx
nevven, on 24 Mar 2021 - 3:45 PM, said:
I've worked a little with kids. I find them fascinating individually, but completely exhausting and obnoxious in groups. I think I was the opposite of my colleagues - I much preferred dealing with the parents than their kids! I'm glad I got out. I felt quite guilty switching tracks after so much school, but I knew from the start that it wasn't going to be sustainable for me.
I agree, in groups they are so different to how they are individually. Even the disruptive students surprise me with how much work they can do when they are worked with on an individual level. I think at the end of the day, you have to do what is best for you and not feel any guilt about that what so ever. On one hand, I find it upsetting to have to discipline students and to deal with being talked over constantly. But I also really enjoy when things are going well and when students show so much interest in what I am teaching. There are bad days but I can't let them outweigh the good ones.
I hope you're much happier now and again, don't feel any guilt for switching!
Sending you lots of love and hugs xxx
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Posted 26 March 2021 - 09:05 PM
DAY: 2,259 - Saturday
This week was much better than last week. There were still some lows but it was much more manageable. And at least I didn't cry this week!
I don't think I actually have anything of interest to discuss. All I did for the week was work and b/p. I have a picture of donuts from last Sunday that I will share. Even though I am spending an actual fortune on food right now and having so many things that should be exciting and yum, food is sort of boring right now. I feel like nothing is off limits, so food has lost it's charm. Still, it's not going to stop me from b/p-ing loads.
When I was going over student work yesterday I had a good laugh at this one because of the add on to the students name. This masterpiece was by two students in grade 2, Trisha and Ariana. I found it so funny that one of them added on "granday" to the end of Ariana's name All of the pictures are so adorable and the attempts at spelling the animals names were too, especially "wel" (whale).
One more week to go until school holidays! I almost don't want them to start because I know the two weeks will go by within the blink of an eye and then term 2 will begin.
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#10700
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Posted 27 March 2021 - 07:19 AM
You are doing amazing with your kids and your class. I feel kind of like a proud mama over here LOL
Quote
One of my biggest issues is that I feel bad for disciplining students or making them feel bad, even when I know it has to be done. After disciplining a student, I literally feel like I need to apologise to them or do something to make them feel better. A friend of mine made me feel a lot better about being "mean" when she told me that these are life lessons that these kids need to learn. And rather than it being a bad thing, it's a good thing that I have to lay down the consequences for bad behaviour. They can't get away with doing those things as adults, so they need to learn it now.
this 100%. Kids actually do worse when there are no boundaries. on some primal level apparently they need them and are very anxious/uncomfortable/eventually broken when we as adults don't provide them. And you are correct that they need to master these skills in order to be effective adults. I work in HR and can tell you how they turn out as employees when the home had zero rules and discipline. (spoiler: not well. lol)
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hope you're doing alright
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Posted 02 April 2021 - 09:29 PM
Neverland_, on 27 Mar 2021 - 12:43 AM, said:
Haha that drawing is so cute!!
And those donuts always make me drooling!! Glad this week was better for you! Take care and I'm thinking of you <3
Thank you so much, Neverland <3
Thinking of you too and sending lots of love xxx
thinstrument, on 27 Mar 2021 - 07:19 AM, said:
You are doing amazing with your kids and your class. I feel kind of like a proud mama over here LOL
this 100%. Kids actually do worse when there are no boundaries. on some primal level apparently they need them and are very anxious/uncomfortable/eventually broken when we as adults don't provide them. And you are correct that they need to master these skills in order to be effective adults. I work in HR and can tell you how they turn out as employees when the home had zero rules and discipline. (spoiler: not well. lol)
Aw, thank you so much <3
I feel like I have definitely come across adults that probably had no rules or boundaries forced upon them as children and I agree, they did not turn out well! I'd be so embarrassed if I had a child and they developed into an obnoxious and rude adult. I hate that some parents basically see teachers as the ones who are to teach their child everything. I spend more time teaching about appropriate behaviour and morals than I do about actual science and it shouldn't be like that at all!
Hope you're doing okay and enjoying the weekend!
Sending hugs xxx
Choco_Bitch_612, on 02 Apr 2021 - 12:00 PM, said:
hope you're doing alright
I'm okay, thank you for thinking of me <3
Hope you're doing alright too!
Sending lots of love your way xxx
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#10703
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Posted 02 April 2021 - 09:34 PM
DAY: 2,266 - Saturday
It's finally the holidays but I'm not enjoying them at all just yet. I'm the sickest I have been in many years. I think I caught the illness that has been going around the school and I feel awful. I felt it coming on last Wednesday and then it really hit me on Thursday. Thursday was the last day of school and I was SO glad we finished up an hour early because I don't think I would have made it through the day otherwise. By the end of the work day, I was slumped in my chair feeling so ill. Yesterday it got worse and today it was worse again. Hopefully tomorrow it will start to go away and I'll feel better.
Because of being sick, I didn't go home for Easter like usual. My family celebrates mostly on Good Friday, which was yesterday, but I didn't want to risk getting my family sick too so I stayed away. I then planned on going home tomorrow (Easter Sunday) but I don't think I will because again, I'm still not well. I guess I will hold off on going back home until later in the week when I hopefully feel better. This is definitely not how I wanted to spend my holidays at all...
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Posted 03 April 2021 - 08:38 AM
Ugh, I'm sorry, man. Did we forget to mention that children are walking petri dishes for germs?
The first year of teaching is really Crossfit for your immunity system
FEEL BETTER
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Posted 03 April 2021 - 10:22 PM
I hope you’ll feel better soon and will be able to go home for a bit, seeing your nana will hopefully give you some well needed energy <3
Do you have any other plans for your Easter break?
x.
#10710
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Posted 04 April 2021 - 01:03 AM
Get well soon! <3
"In rhetoric, an anaphora (Greek: ἀναφορά, "carrying back") is a rhetorical device that consists of repeating a sequence of words at the beginnings of neighboring clauses, thereby lending them emphasis. In contrast, an epistrophe (or epiphora) is repeating words at the clauses' ends. The combination of anaphora and epistrophe results in symploce." //
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Posted 05 April 2021 - 08:27 PM
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Posted 11 April 2021 - 03:03 AM
Neverland_, on 02 Apr 2021 - 10:54 PM, said:
Hope you feel better soon <3
Thank you! I finally feel somewhat back to normal after over a week being sick. It was a rough week to say the least...
Hope you're doing okay xxx
uponanaswings, on 03 Apr 2021 - 05:35 AM, said:
Feel better hugs xxx
Thank you so much xxx
berin, on 03 Apr 2021 - 06:36 AM, said:
I love this so much!! That is the cutest thing ever!
Thank you for the well wishes <3
Sending lot of love to you xxx
apples_, on 03 Apr 2021 - 07:24 AM, said:
Hope you feel better
Thank you so much <3
Sending hugs to you xxx
thinstrument, on 03 Apr 2021 - 08:38 AM, said:
Ugh, I'm sorry, man. Did we forget to mention that children are walking petri dishes for germs?
The first year of teaching is really Crossfit for your immunity system
FEEL BETTER
You're not wrong! I'm not used to being around children at all so I didn't know how I was going to respond health wise, but the outlook isn't good so far. Usually I never get sick but now I have been sick at least two (possibly three) times already since February. Eating well and looking after myself would probably help out a lot but I don't know how to do that...
Thank you for the well wishes <3
Hope you're doing okay xxx
Lizzzer, on 03 Apr 2021 - 10:22 PM, said:
I hope you’ll feel better soon and will be able to go home for a bit, seeing your nana will hopefully give you some well needed energy <3
Do you have any other plans for your Easter break?
x.
I didn't get to visit my family over Easter at all because I knew I needed to stay away from everyone while I was sick. It's over a week later and I have just today gone back home to see my family. I'm going to take my nana out for lunch tomorrow which will be really nice!
Hope you had a nice Easter <3
Sending love and hugs to you xxx
ana_phora, on 04 Apr 2021 - 01:03 AM, said:
Get well soon! <3
Thank you so much!
I hope you're doing okay <3
Sending lots of hugs to you xxx
itsmylife36, on 05 Apr 2021 - 8:27 PM, said:
I hope you get better soon and are able to enjoy the rest of your holidays and visit your family. Kids really are like walking germs (lol). Seriously though, I really hope you are feeling better!
Thank you for the well wishes! I wasn't able to visit my family over Easter but now that I am feeling mostly better about a week later, I have gone to visit them. Hopefully I can make the most of my last week of the holidays.
Hope you're doing okay <3
Sending you lots of love xxx
It's_A_Cruel_World, on 06 Apr 2021 - 5:18 PM, said:
Thinking of you Kodos. I'm hoping you're feeling better by now ♡♡
Thank you so much <3
I'm only just feeling back to normal now, thankfully!
Hope you're doing okay and that you had a wonderful Easter
Sending lots of love xxxx
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Posted 11 April 2021 - 03:28 AM
DAY: 2,274 - Sunday
Well, I lost an entire week of my life thanks to whatever illness I just experienced. It was a roller coaster week too. I don't even think I can remember all the crazy things that happened. Most notably was that I didn't celebrate Easter at all because I didn't end up going home to see my family. I didn't want to get anyone else sick so I knew it was best to stay away. The first few days of being sick were the worst. On one of the days, I completely lost my sense of taste and smell and it freaked me out so much because I know that is a sign of COVID. It happened late at night and I had been b/p-ing all day. Nothing stops me from b/p-ing, even feeling like death from being sick... Anyway, it was the strangest thing to not be able to taste or smell. All I could feel was the texture of food in my mouth with zero enjoyment. I decided that if I still couldn't taste or smell by the morning, I would go get a COVID test. Lucky for me, my taste and smell returned by morning. I still should have got a test done probably but I was so scared to go by myself and then have to quarantine afterwards too. It's pretty unlikely I had COVID anyway though since there are no active cases of it in my state and there hasn't been for well over a month.
The week progressed and I did start to feel a little better but I think being sick and also b/p-ing all day, every day, non-stop caught up to me. I can't remember what day it was but one day I went out to get groceries and to get take away food. I ordered chips from a chip shop before going to get some groceries so that it would be ready for collection once I had done my shopping. I felt ill before I went out but I thought I could push through. I got my groceries and went to checkout. The woman at the checkout was so chatty. I was there for about 15 minutes when it should have taken probably five. As I was leaving, she kept chatting. I was holding so many grocery bags that would have weighed no less than 6kg. I didn't get a trolley because I didn't think I'd be forced to stand in one spot holding all of these bags trying to get away from this woman who wouldn't stop talking about her kids school.
Anyway, I finally got away and went back to my car. It was painful to carry those bags so I was glad to put them down but I felt so sick at this point. I still needed to go to the chip shop to pick up my food. It was just a little down the road from my car but I didn't even know if I was going to make it. I started walking and part way through I had to sit down immediately otherwise I was definitely going to faint or throw up. I sat on a public bench for a few minutes and then willed myself to make the rest of the journey to the chip shop. When I walked inside, I felt an incredible wave of nausea hit me. The smell of the food did not help. I quickly grabbed my things and tried to get out of there but I couldn't even make it out of the door. I had to sit down again. I think that was the closest I had ever been to fainting in public. My vision was going and my legs were shaking. I'm surprised I even made it on to a chair. I sat there for a few minutes and then tried to make my way back to my car. Again, I had to stop half way because I felt so terrible. It was a relief to get back to my car. Do you know what my first thought was though? "B/p and you'll feel better". So I did. I ate chips while I drove back home and I did feel a little better but not entirely. I really think the issue was low potassium. Since then, I have upped my potassium intake and I do feel a bit better for it.
It's now Sunday and I am back in my home town. I arrived here in the early afternoon. I'm not staying for too long though, only until Tuesday afternoon. It's nice to be home but also strange. I don't know how to act when I am here. I really wanted to not b/p so much while back at home but I don't know how that's going to go. So far I'm doing okay and I think I will just go to bed early to avoid b/p-ing but I also know I have loads of Easter chocolate sitting just meters away from me and part of me wants to eat it all and then throw it all back up for some reason...
This afternoon I visited my grandma. It was good to see her and we had a really nice chat. After that, I went home and had dinner. My mum hadn't prepared anything for me which was kind of sad but also understandable. I'm weird with food and everyone knows it, so I guess my mum didn't want to make something for me because of that. I basically just threw together whatever I could scrounge up. That happened to be some roast veg with two boiled eggs. It was a pretty lame dinner to be honest. I b/p'ed 6 times before I left the city and hadn't eaten anything since then so I was starving and that was not enough but it was all there was. Then I purged in the shower and now I'm just sitting here not know what to do with myself.
Tomorrow I am going to go out for lunch with my nana which will be so nice! I'm guessing that after that I will probably purge and then b/p again because there is nothing else to do here. It's nice to see family but being at home feels so unproductive because I don't know what to do with myself. That's the main reason I have opted to go home on Tuesday. And I'm only staying until Tuesday because I have a doctors appointment in the afternoon. I definitely need to get another script for potassium so I don't run out and I also need to ask about vaccination for the flu and for COVID. I'm glad I'm not getting a blood test done because I am sure it would be pretty bad after the past week I have had.
It sucks that I lost a week of my holidays to sickness and this next week feels like it's just going to fly by. I'm not ready to go back to work at all. I don't feel rested. I haven't even planned my lessons for the first week back so I need to do that this week as well...
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#10715
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Posted 11 April 2021 - 05:19 AM
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Posted 11 April 2021 - 06:04 AM
#10717
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Posted 11 April 2021 - 06:25 AM
So glad you checked in and are feeling better.
When I go visit my parents (now just my mom) it usually makes my eating issues worse....it's like all the childhood angst bubbles up and I don't know how to manage myself.
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Posted 12 April 2021 - 09:04 PM
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Posted 14 April 2021 - 05:56 AM
Sounds like a rough week
I hope you could enjoy the time you spent with your nana?
What are your plans for the remainder of you Easter break?
Take care, x.
#10720
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Posted 17 April 2021 - 06:32 PM
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#10723
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Posted 20 April 2021 - 05:53 AM
I'm so sorry for the late replies! Time seems to slip away from me very quickly these days.
nevven, on 11 Apr 2021 - 05:19 AM, said:
That's awful, I'm glad you're feeling better. Were you still teaching all week?
sent on mobile
I'm feeling so much better now. Luckily I didn't have to work while I was sick. I'm back at work now though. After just a day of being back, I felt like I was getting sick again so I don't know if I fully recovered or if it's lingering and comes back when I get tired. Time will tell I suppose!
I hope you're doing alright <3
Sending lots of love xxx
apples_, on 11 Apr 2021 - 06:04 AM, said:
I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling so ill and had to put up with the family and food situation. I know first hand how stressful it is to have to eat around others, maybe you’ve gotten used to it over time though. Your experience in the mall sounds worrying, luckily you thought of upping your potassium by yourself. Isn’t it a scary thought that you’re completely dependent on those pills to basically keep you alive? Anyways, I’m sending love and strength your way and I hope next week will be better. I missed reading your updates <3<3 hugs from me xxx
Thank you for all the kind words, they made my day! <3
It's certainly a scary thought to think about how dependent on those potassium tablet I am. If I don't take them or don't take enough, I literally cannot function because of how sick I end up feeling. By taking them consistently, I'm probably just numbing myself to the reality of what I'm doing to myself since I feel fine as long as I get enough potassium. Makes you think..
Hope you're doing well! Sending you lots of love and hugs xxx
thinstrument, on 11 Apr 2021 - 06:25 AM, said:
So glad you checked in and are feeling better.
When I go visit my parents (now just my mom) it usually makes my eating issues worse....it's like all the childhood angst bubbles up and I don't know how to manage myself.
I'm feeling SO much better now. I'm back at work too, so as much as that makes me feel a whole other world of tired, at least I'm not b/p-ing on repeat 24/7... until the weekend at least.
I feel you on that last part. Since my young teenage years, I have been unable to eat normally while at my parents house and no matter how hard I try, I can never just be normal with food while I am there. It makes me not want to visit them even though I really do love seeing my family. I'm sorry you struggle with that too.
Sending you lots of love and hugs xxx
itsmylife36, on 12 Apr 2021 - 9:04 PM, said:
I hope your week goes well (it has to be better than last week, right?!) and you do end up getting some rest before going back to work. I'm sorry to hear about you feeling so awful while being out at the shops. Isn't it crazy how we can feel so horrible and yet still push ourselves to do the same things we are used to doing? Idk if that even makes sense, but I think that about myself anyway. I'm glad you decided to up the potassium and hope it continues to help.
It definitely went better than the week before, that's for sure! I'm in shock at myself sometimes. Literally nothing will get in my way of b/p-ing. I could be on my death bed and still want to b/p. I definitely understand what you mean. It really hits home how much ED behaviours are an addiction because often we will stop at nothing in order to indulge in them. Upping my potassium intake helped majorly because I feel back to "normal" now.
Thank you so much for all the well wishes <3
Sending lots of love your way xxx
Lizzzer, on 14 Apr 2021 - 05:56 AM, said:
Sounds like a rough week
I hope you could enjoy the time you spent with your nana?
What are your plans for the remainder of you Easter break?
Take care, x.
It was so nice to see my nana and I miss her so much already. We talked on the phone every single day of my holidays. She is like my guardian angel, I swear.
For the remainder of the Easter break, all I did was b/p non-stop and try to avoid everyone... I'm back at work now. Part of me wishes I wasn't but another part is glad because it put a stop to my constant b/p-ing at least. I'm just a different kind of tired now that I'm back at work again.
I hope you're doing alright and that you're having an enjoyable week so far <3
Sending love and hugs to you xxx
Poison Pixie 666, on 17 Apr 2021 - 6:32 PM, said:
Ah Jesus hun. That sounds awful. I hope ur feeling better now but I totally agree that it sucks that u lost out on ur holiday. I know it's not the same but maybe you could take lots of mini holidays (just a few hours every evening) to do the things that you wanted to do? Xxx
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I'm definitely feeling better now, thank you! There wasn't really anything I wanted to do over the holidays apart from be alone and b/p... which sounds pretty sad when I write it out. I guess I got to do exactly what I wanted, it just sucks that I had to feel so sick in the process.
Hope everything is going okay <3
Sending you lots of love xxx
Neverland_, on 18 Apr 2021 - 12:23 AM, said:
Thinking of you <3
You're way too sweet <3
Sending lots of love your way and wishing you a wonderful week xxx
berin, on 19 Apr 2021 - 9:26 PM, said:
Hope your days have been alright <3
Thank you so much <3
I hope you are doing alright too and having a nice week so far!
Sending love and hugs to you xxx
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#10728
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Posted 27 April 2021 - 05:58 AM
It's_A_Cruel_World, on 24 Apr 2021 - 9:01 PM, said:
You've been on my mind lately! Hope you find some time to do an update soon! ♡♡ can imagine you're so so busy so that's okay!!!
Aw, thank you for thinking of me <3
You're spot on! My life is honestly chaotic these days. I feel like I never stop and when I do actually get some spare time, all I want to do is b/p and shut the world out while I can. I'm doing well though, considering it all. So many things go on in my days that I wouldn't even know where to begin talking about it all anymore. It would probably take me a week just to type out! I'm sad that I don't have the time to post daily anymore, even weekly has become a struggle. I've been thinking that maybe it's time for me to move on from this site? I'd be so sad to do so but I feel like I have nothing left to offer here.
I really hope everything is going well for you!
Wishing you all the best for the rest of the week and sending you lots of love xxxx
#10729
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Posted 27 April 2021 - 06:52 AM
You shouldn't measure it like if you have anything to offer, but if this site has anything to offer to you! Just think about it. I would highly understand if you decide to move past this site. I'd be happy for you if you could do that. Ofcourse I'd miss you but you have to do what works for YOU!
<3
#10730
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Posted 30 April 2021 - 01:25 PM
However, just so you know, I never go to this site anymore, except for checking your updates.. which means you’re important enough for me to daily check in on you. I care about you. So yes, you do have something to offer, you have something to offer by simply being who you are and showing that to us. And I would certainly miss you!!!
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#10731
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Posted 30 April 2021 - 01:25 PM
However, just so you know, I never go to this site anymore, except for checking your updates.. which means you’re important enough for me to daily check in on you. I care about you. So yes, you do have something to offer, you have something to offer by simply being who you are and showing that to us. And I would certainly miss you!!!
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#10732
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Posted 02 May 2021 - 02:46 AM
just to check on you every week.I think you should do what feels right for you.
I think I will always wonder how you are/what happened in your life as I feel I've been here for years now! ♡♡
I always suggest a private and anonymous instagram when you can post super small updates - its an easier platform, so people know you're still living it up as the coolest science teacher ♡
#10733
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Posted 02 May 2021 - 03:18 AM
Hey! I've never posted here but I have been reading along for a while (I hope that's okay), but perhaps you could just update on school holidays (if you feel up to it), because even if you don't see it, you clearly offer a lot to this site. Of course I will accept and respect whatever you choose to do, but we'll all miss you lol.
I hope you're feeling better and doing (comparatively, ED's suck) well
#10734
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Posted 02 May 2021 - 04:47 AM
Neverland_, on 27 Apr 2021 - 06:52 AM, said:
You shouldn't measure it like if you have anything to offer, but if this site has anything to offer to you! Just think about it. I would highly understand if you decide to move past this site. I'd be happy for you if you could do that. Ofcourse I'd miss you but you have to do what works for YOU!
<3
I'd really miss you too <3
My thread is pretty much the only place I go on this site now. I used to be way more active in other threads but now I just don't have any time for it. I'll stay for now but there is no way I could do daily updates anymore. Even weekly updates are a struggle. I'd hate to leave since I've been here for so long but at some point I guess we all need to move on, right?
Sending you lots of love xxx
katherinexx, on 30 Apr 2021 - 1:25 PM, said:
I completely agree with Neverland! Just do what feels right for you.
However, just so you know, I never go to this site anymore, except for checking your updates.. which means you’re important enough for me to daily check in on you. I care about you. So yes, you do have something to offer, you have something to offer by simply being who you are and showing that to us. And I would certainly miss you!!!
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It's so sweet of you to want to check up on me. My mind can't even comprehend that people care about my life at all. I'd miss everyone if I left, the people here have seen me at my absolute worst and supported me through in all. I can't thank you all enough for that.
Sending lots of love your way xxx
It's_A_Cruel_World, on 02 May 2021 - 02:46 AM, said:
I also never come to this site anymore
I think you should do what feels right for you.
I think I will always wonder how you are/what happened in your life as I feel I've been here for years now! ♡♡
I always suggest a private and anonymous instagram when you can post super small updates - its an easier platform, so people know you're still living it up as the coolest science teacher ♡
You're so sweet to do that <3
If I was more put together, I would still be posting videos on my YouTube. I still want to post more but I definitely don't have the time for it. Maybe in the next school holidays I will make the time. I tried Instagram but I don't think it's for me. What I thought was a private instagram actually got recommended to my facebook friends...so now I don't trust it not to do the same with a different account.
I always thought that if I left this site, it would be because I was going off to get better. But that's not the case at all. I'm just getting on with my life despite my ED because it feels like it won't ever go away. Something will have to give eventually though because it's exhausting to have a full time job as well as a full time ED.
I really hope you're doing well. Sending lots of love xxxx
error, on 02 May 2021 - 03:18 AM, said:
Hey! I've never posted here but I have been reading along for a while (I hope that's okay), but perhaps you could just update on school holidays (if you feel up to it), because even if you don't see it, you clearly offer a lot to this site. Of course I will accept and respect whatever you choose to do, but we'll all miss you lol.
I hope you're feeling better and doing (comparatively, ED's suck) well
It's completely okay! I'm glad to hear from you though, it's always nice to meet everyone.
Thank you for the kind words <3 I'll stay for now and update when I can.
Sending you lots of love and hugs xxx
#10735
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Posted 02 May 2021 - 06:21 AM
I love seeing how you're doing. Honestly - living with this stuff is a daily victory. I am probably your mom's age and struggle off and on; I don't hope for a "cure" but I can still find joy and meaning and all that nonsense around what seems to be a part of me - and I think I'm Ok with that. I wish better for you, but it doesn't have to be all or nothing. You are doing awesome.
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#10736
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Posted 07 May 2021 - 09:14 PM
thinstrument, on 02 May 2021 - 06:21 AM, said:
I love seeing how you're doing. Honestly - living with this stuff is a daily victory. I am probably your mom's age and struggle off and on; I don't hope for a "cure" but I can still find joy and meaning and all that nonsense around what seems to be a part of me - and I think I'm Ok with that. I wish better for you, but it doesn't have to be all or nothing. You are doing awesome.
Aw, thank you so much <3
It truly is a victory to get through each day and have it seem somewhat "normal". It's like you have to fight this extra hidden battle on top of it all. It goes to show how strong you are to do all of that. Of course it isn't ideal but the fact that we can manage it is pretty incredible to be honest. I'd love for us to beat this once and for all but it's much easier said than done. I'm so glad to hear that you can still find joy and meaning in your life; it's very important.
Sending you lots of love and hugs xxxx
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#10737
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Posted 07 May 2021 - 09:59 PM
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#10738
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Posted 14 May 2021 - 11:35 PM
Arnotts, on 07 May 2021 - 9:59 PM, said:
Just chiming in to say that I’ll miss you too, your thread is the only thing I come to the site for now. I’ve said how inspiring you are before but you truly don’t know how much, you’ve helped me get the courage to change my life, with your dating adventures, getting a job and moving out despite what you’re going through. These are all things I never thought I could do but I am too now and it was reading about your strength to do this that motivated me. You’re really a great person Kodos and I think all the people on here that love you proves that.
You have no idea how much brighter you just made my day, thank you so much <3
It truly means a lot to hear that I have helped anyone in any way but I also think you need to give yourself more credit than you are. Anything positive that you've been able to achieve in your life was all down to you and your own strength. Turning thoughts into actions can be an incredibly difficult thing to do but you've done just that! I'm really proud of you for pushing through any discomfort and going after the things you want in life. Having an ED or any other mental health issues makes doing the simplest of things incredibly difficult at times.
Thank you for always being so kind and insightful. I love having you here. I'm still around but I'm just not as active as before.
I hope everything is going well for you!
Sending lots of love and hugs xxx
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Posted 22 May 2021 - 03:46 AM
clean and pure, on 15 May 2021 - 01:14 AM, said:
Do you have Instagram
I don't. I used to but all my friends found me somehow and it freaked me out so I deleted it. Now I have trust issues with IG
Hope you're doing okay xxx
Lizzzer, on 19 May 2021 - 1:26 PM, said:
Thinking of you
x.
Aw, thank you <3
I'm going okay. Life is very busy but I'm enjoying the challenge that teaching presents. Although, I think I have laryngitis because of talking so much and never giving my voice a break; so that's fun
Hope you're doing alright!
Sending lots of love and hugs xxx
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#10743
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Posted 24 May 2021 - 11:55 AM
I already know I’ll be wondering if you’re doing okay and I was hoping that if one day you’d want to recover, we would be there along the way.
Wishing you all the luck with everything you’re doing Kodos
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#10744
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Posted 25 May 2021 - 09:11 AM
Kodos, on 22 May 2021 - 03:46 AM, said:
Aw, thank you <3
I'm going okay. Life is very busy but I'm enjoying the challenge that teaching presents. Although, I think I have laryngitis because of talking so much and never giving my voice a break; so that's fun
Hope you're doing alright!
Sending lots of love and hugs xxx
Great to hear you’re enjoying the teaching challenge!
I could never be a teacher, it scares me so much to stand and speak in front of a group
Take care, x.
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#10745
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Posted 25 May 2021 - 07:35 PM
Drink a LOT of water, especially at night. And when you lose your voice, rest it as much as you can. don't whisper, it's actually really hard on the vocal chords. Speak quietly in a high-pitched voice if you HAVE to talk. (I wonder if the school would let you use a mic?)
you will adapt but it takes time!
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#10746
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Posted 26 May 2021 - 06:49 AM
Kodos, on 22 May 2021 - 03:46 AM, said:
Aw, thank you <3
I'm going okay. Life is very busy but I'm enjoying the challenge that teaching presents. Although, I think I have laryngitis because of talking so much and never giving my voice a break; so that's fun
Hope you're doing alright!
Sending lots of love and hugs xxx
Great to hear you’re enjoying the teaching challenge!
I could never be a teacher, it scares me so much to stand and speak in front of a group
Take care, x.
#10747
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Posted 26 May 2021 - 07:46 AM
Kodos, on 22 May 2021 - 03:46 AM, said:
Aw, thank you <3
I'm going okay. Life is very busy but I'm enjoying the challenge that teaching presents. Although, I think I have laryngitis because of talking so much and never giving my voice a break; so that's fun
Hope you're doing alright!
Sending lots of love and hugs xxx
Great to hear you’re enjoying the teaching challenge!
I could never be a teacher, it scares me so much to stand and speak in front of a group
Take care, x.
#10748
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Posted 27 May 2021 - 05:54 AM
Kodos, on 22 May 2021 - 03:46 AM, said:
Aw, thank you <3
I'm going okay. Life is very busy but I'm enjoying the challenge that teaching presents. Although, I think I have laryngitis because of talking so much and never giving my voice a break; so that's fun
Hope you're doing alright!
Sending lots of love and hugs xxx
Great to hear you’re enjoying the teaching challenge!
I could never be a teacher, it scares me so much to stand and speak in front of a group
Take care, x.
#10749
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Posted 27 May 2021 - 10:45 PM
apples_, on 24 May 2021 - 11:55 AM, said:
I really hope you’ll find some time to update us on your life and ED, but I understand that you have to move on from this site eventually. I do miss reading your updates though.
I already know I’ll be wondering if you’re doing okay and I was hoping that if one day you’d want to recover, we would be there along the way.
Wishing you all the luck with everything you’re doing Kodos
There is just so much that happens in my days that I wouldn't even know where to begin anymore and reliving it through posts sounds exhausting to me. I do miss updating each day and I'm sad that this "journal" of sorts has pretty much come to an end but perhaps I will return when this all becomes more normal. I feel like the pressure of a new fully-time job was a lot to take on for me so something in my life had to be given up in order to deal with it. I'll still be in and out on this site though and if I ever do manage to get any better then I will definitely post about it here. I always wanted this thread to have a happy ending of sorts and I haven't yet lived up to that. It's not over just yet though!
Thank you so much for all the luck and the support you've given me. It's truly appreciated <3
Sending lots of love and hugs xxx
Lizzzer, on 25 May 2021 - 09:11 AM, said:
Great to hear you’re enjoying the teaching challenge!
I could never be a teacher, it scares me so much to stand and speak in front of a group
Take care, x.
Some days I wonder why I ever got myself into this because public speaking was never something I enjoyed. Now I do it all day, 5 days a week. I don't even know how that happened but I think the more you do it, the easier it gets. It's much easier to do public speaking in front of kids compared to your peers though, that's for sure!
Sending you lots of love <3
Hope everything is going okay xxx
thinstrument, on 25 May 2021 - 7:35 PM, said:
Drink a LOT of water, especially at night. And when you lose your voice, rest it as much as you can. don't whisper, it's actually really hard on the vocal chords. Speak quietly in a high-pitched voice if you HAVE to talk. (I wonder if the school would let you use a mic?)
you will adapt but it takes time!
I'm still too scared to drink water unless it's with a b/p. I'm able to take a sip or two if I feel really thirsty during the day but I couldn't do more than that. I'm really lucky that my science room does now have a microphone/speaker set up because there are some students with hearing difficulties. It has helped a little but I still have to shout a lot. I feel like I'm always yelling these days. Then you ask students to keep the noise down, they stop for about 30 seconds and then they just start being loud again. It's a losing battle to keep students quiet. Lately I've just been trying to let it go more in order to save my voice and I think it has helped but it doesn't solve the issue of noisy kids in the classroom.
I certainly hope I'll adapt!
Hope you're doing well and taking care of yourself as best you can xxx
Sending lots of love <3
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#10750
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Posted 28 May 2021 - 08:00 AM
We are always happy to see you even if you don’t say a ton. And I do consider this a happy ending - you’re managing to live a life despite the challenges you’ve been given - no way to look at that except as a victory. 💜
Perhaps it’s not a happy ENDING but rather a great START.
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#10751
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Posted 06 June 2021 - 11:54 PM
thinstrument, on 28 May 2021 - 08:00 AM, said:
Get an air horn. LOL
We are always happy to see you even if you don’t say a ton. And I do consider this a happy ending - you’re managing to live a life despite the challenges you’ve been given - no way to look at that except as a victory.
Perhaps it’s not a happy ENDING but rather a great START.
I think an air horn would certainly do the trick!
Thank you so much for the positive and kind words <3
Hope you're doing well xxx
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#10752
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Posted 07 June 2021 - 12:05 AM
Thank you ❤︎
I left this thread inactive for too long so everyone was automatically un-followed from it. I'm going to take it as a sign to move on. I won't delete my account but I also won't be visiting this site anymore.
I really just want to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who has ever commented, followed, liked or even just read along. I cannot put into words how much you all mean to me and how much you have helped me over the past 6 years. Many of you have seen me at my lowest of lows in life and I don't think I would have survived through them without all of your support. I wish we all met under much better circumstances but it's still a wonderful thing to know that something so horrible to go through can really bring people together. I wish none of you had this extra burden to carry and I truly hope that life gets better for each and every one of you.
While I may not be recovered or recovering, I am currently not at my lowest point in life. Things have been much worse before in the past so I am grateful that I always stuck it out because things do get better. As I like to say, things always work out in the end. And if things aren't working out, then you're not at the end just yet.
Anyway, I'll wrap this up because I am terrible with words! I love you all so much. Thank you for your kindness, your support and your bravery to face each day as you do. I wish you all the best in life.
xxx
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#10753
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Posted 07 June 2021 - 01:32 AM
#10755
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Posted 07 June 2021 - 10:58 AM
Kodos, on 07 Jun 2021 - 12:05 AM, said:
Thank you ❤︎
I left this thread inactive for too long so everyone was automatically un-followed from it. I'm going to take it as a sign to move on. I won't delete my account but I also won't be visiting this site anymore.
I really just want to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who has ever commented, followed, liked or even just read along. I cannot put into words how much you all mean to me and how much you have helped me over the past 6 years. Many of you have seen me at my lowest of lows in life and I don't think I would have survived through them without all of your support. I wish we all met under much better circumstances but it's still a wonderful thing to know that something so horrible to go through can really bring people together. I wish none of you had this extra burden to carry and I truly hope that life gets better for each and every one of you.
While I may not be recovered or recovering, I am currently not at my lowest point in life. Things have been much worse before in the past so I am grateful that I always stuck it out because things do get better. As I like to say, things always work out in the end. And if things aren't working out, then you're not at the end just yet.
Anyway, I'll wrap this up because I am terrible with words! I love you all so much. Thank you for your kindness, your support and your bravery to face each day as you do. I wish you all the best in life.
xxx
#10756
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Posted 07 June 2021 - 07:24 PM
I wish you every happiness in wherever life takes you!
I ramble online at Carrots In My Carryon
#10757
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Posted 07 June 2021 - 07:57 PM
accountability / bmi 15s 16s
#10758
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Posted 07 June 2021 - 08:36 PM
#10759
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Posted 07 June 2021 - 11:24 PM
#10762
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Posted 13 June 2021 - 04:15 PM
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#10764
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Posted 27 June 2021 - 12:00 PM
I wish you nothing but happiness in your future endeavors. Thanks for sharing so much of your journey here. It touched so many people, and was truly valuable.
Enjoy everything that's coming to you!
#10765
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Posted 02 July 2021 - 07:00 AM
Hope you’re doing well. Please know that you can always come back whenever you want to and that you don’t need a ‘good’ reason for it. We’ll all be here whenever you need it.
Take care & I’m thinking of you (really, it’s true, I miss you a lot, I’ve been keeping up with you for so long, you feel a bit like a friend).
Lots of love x
#10766
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Posted 12 July 2021 - 02:00 AM
I'm so glad that you found a job that you like , and i really hope things go so well for you and that you somehow recover from this ED
Take care kodos ♡♡
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#10767
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Posted 14 July 2021 - 09:11 PM
You deserve the very best! I'm still going to check back, just in case you update one day or decide to come back for some reason.
#10768
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Advanced Warrior
- LocationAustralia
Posted 20 August 2021 - 05:49 PM
I still am every now and then.
Hope you're well. And I also wish that ai could tell you that I'm going to try and recover! First time... I finally told someone and im going to get help!
Anyway, be well Kodos!
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#10769
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- 1985 posts
Advanced Sage
- LocationKent
Posted 19 September 2021 - 04:32 PM
Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk
#10771
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- 439 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted 24 December 2021 - 01:59 AM
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#10772
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- 3401 posts
Omniscient
- LocationUpper Midwest...where it's cold
Posted 16 January 2022 - 10:44 AM
Thinking of you today as well....Hope you are doing OK?
I ramble online at Carrots In My Carryon
#10773
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- 813 posts
Advanced Guru
- LocationUK
Posted 02 February 2022 - 01:38 AM
I haven't logged into MPA in a very long time but I always wonder how Kodos is doing. I hope she's doing okay. <3
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#10774
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- 101 posts
Advanced Member
Posted 02 February 2022 - 09:38 AM
I just finished reading the whole thread. It certainly took a while . You seem like one of the kindest people I’ve ever come across and a really beautiful human being. I wish you could apply that same kindness to yourself it was sad seeing you constantly put yourself down throughout this thread when you clearly have so much to offer the world. I hope you’re well and that life isn’t too stressful at the moment. xx
#10776
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- 217 posts
Warrior
Posted 14 March 2022 - 03:09 AM
Visibly defined abs
Have visible rib bones all the time
Legs don't jiggle when walking
Can wrap hands around thigh
Thigh gap is larger than fist
Size 0 jeans are loose
Reach 50 kg (BMI 17.7)
Reach 45 kg (BMI 15.9)
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