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MAYbe this will work 💫
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Posted 01 May 2018 - 04:16 AM
Hi, you can call me Glow, obviously not my real name. This is my first ever accountability, not sure how it will go but we'll find out! I'm doing the 31,000 calories in May challenge as I like high restriction, and I think it'll be a good way for me to keep accountable.
I may post every day, but probably not. I need to figure out how to upload photos, but till then don't expect anything exciting! This will be a very simple accountability. I'll be posting random updates as well, I figure since this is my accountability, I can post what and when I want!
My aims are:
- No more than 1000 cals a day
- Walk more than 10,000 steps a day (even if that's sometimes marching on the spot)
- Burn more than 1,500 cals a day (using Fitbit stats)
- Try to only weigh once a week, weight this morning is 139lbs
Feel free to comment, or message me, anything to make this thread slightly more interesting!
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Posted 01 May 2018 - 12:08 PM
Good luck Glow, You'll have me right behind you!
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I learnt to post pictures from here. If you're still stuck, then you know where I am, I'll be happy to help you <3 xx
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Posted 02 May 2018 - 01:12 AM
She's a lotus flower, on 01 May 2018 - 12:08 PM, said:
Good luck Glow, You'll have me right behind you!
http://www.myproana....rting-a-thread/
I learnt to post pictures from here. If you're still stuck, then you know where I am, I'll be happy to help you <3 xx
Thanks for your support, I'll have a look through that thread and try to work it out! xx
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Posted 02 May 2018 - 02:11 AM
May 1st
Intake: 970
TDEE: 2,207
Steps: 14,991
Monthly deficit: 1,237
So far, so good. I really like aiming for 1000 calories a day, I think that's a sustainable goal for me. Granted, it's only been one day so we'll see how it goes! I log everything on my Fitbit and sometimes it is just guesstimation, so at least aiming for 1000 as shown on the Fitbit leaves some margin for error if the calculations are off. I'll still be eating under my TDEE.
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Posted 02 May 2018 - 03:09 AM
Woohoo! Well done! <3
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Posted 02 May 2018 - 04:34 AM
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Posted 02 May 2018 - 04:47 AM
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She's a lotus flower, on 02 May 2018 - 03:09 AM, said:
Woohoo! Well done! <3
voiceless, on 02 May 2018 - 04:34 AM, said:
Yay for an accountability! Of course I'll be following xx
Thank you both for your support and encouragement!
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Posted 02 May 2018 - 08:34 AM
1000 calories a day sounds like an awesome plan 
Following!
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Posted 02 May 2018 - 09:14 AM
ashgrey, on 02 May 2018 - 08:34 AM, said:
1000 calories a day sounds like an awesome plan
Following!
Thank you so much! I'm now following you too! xx
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Posted 03 May 2018 - 01:05 AM
whateverittakes55, on 02 May 2018 - 10:24 AM, said:
following you baaack <3
Thank yoooouu!! I'm looking forward to having your positivity on my thread! xx
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Posted 03 May 2018 - 01:14 AM
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Posted 03 May 2018 - 03:02 AM
teeandcookies, on 03 May 2018 - 01:14 AM, said:
Counting it through the month seems really interesting, good luck! Xx
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Thanks, I think it might actually work too, because I know I can eat less most days, and then have a few higher days if I need them. I'm following your accountability too, good luck!
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Posted 03 May 2018 - 03:15 AM
May 2nd
Intake: 925/1000
TDEE: 2,241
Steps: 16,840
Monthly deficit: 2,553
Calories left for May: 29,105/31,000
I weighed this morning (I think maybe Thursday and Sunday will be good days for weigh ins, and twice a week seems reasonable) and I'm 138.2lbs. So it's not a huge difference but at least it's going down. I'm not convinced that my Fitbit is telling the truth about my intake and TDEE, but I'm hoping that even if it's wrong there's still a big enough deficit to lose gradually.
I'd like to get to know you all better and have seen others asking questions in their accountabilities so am going to do the same!
If you didn't have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?
I would probably go out walking, watch Netflix and read books!
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Posted 03 May 2018 - 03:47 AM
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Posted 03 May 2018 - 04:17 AM
Oh and definitely following, sweetie xx
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Posted 03 May 2018 - 07:19 AM
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whateverittakes55, on 03 May 2018 - 03:47 AM, said:
Ooooh I would definitely go on more walks and read also,and experiment more with baking!
Oh yes, I love baking, great idea! I haven't done any proper baking for so long, maybe you'll inspire me to get back to it!
nyckelben, on 03 May 2018 - 04:17 AM, said:
I think your tdee looks reasonable considering the amount of steps! It measures your heart rate and everything, so as long as you keep your weight updated I think it's usually fairly accurate, give or take 150 at most.
Oh and definitely following, sweetie xx
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Thanks! It just seemed high for what was only gentle walking, but I guess it was a fair amount of steps. I do keep my weight up to date on there, so hopefully it is accurate. Thanks for the follow! xx
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Posted 03 May 2018 - 08:35 AM
Awesome on those steps, hun!!
And I think weighing yourself a couple times a week is an excellent idea
If I didn't have to sleep (which I don't already, to be fair haha),
I would probably try to work more so I can get more money haha
or just be on MPA a few more hours a day hehe
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Posted 03 May 2018 - 01:04 PM
Stay safe and take care of yourself hunny.
Lots of love xxx
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Posted 04 May 2018 - 01:11 AM
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ashgrey, on 03 May 2018 - 08:35 AM, said:
Awesome on those steps, hun!!
And I think weighing yourself a couple times a week is an excellent idea
If I didn't have to sleep (which I don't already, to be fair haha),
I would probably try to work more so I can get more money haha
or just be on MPA a few more hours a day hehe
Thank you! Working more is a good idea, although I do spend too much of my work time on MPA (naughty me I know!).
NeverEnough..., on 03 May 2018 - 1:04 PM, said:
Yay I’m so glad you’ve set up an accountability!! I’m following you Glow ❤️ You are such an encouragement to me.
Stay safe and take care of yourself hunny.
Lots of love xxx
Thanks, I thought it might help me stay on track. You take care too xx
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Posted 25 June 2018 - 12:20 PM
Sending hugs x
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Posted 27 June 2018 - 01:11 AM
whateverittakes55, on 25 Jun 2018 - 10:19 AM, said:
I’m happy not counting is working for you!!
And you’re right a loss is still a loss!
Thank you! I'm not sure how well it is working since I seem to be maintaining the last few days, but maybe there's a whoosh coming! Let's hope so! xx
shessoskinnymini, on 25 Jun 2018 - 11:10 AM, said:
I was on weightless shakes for 2 weeks in May and actually lost around 3-5kg but then gained it all back as soon as I started bingeing in June. Yesterday I started a diet I thought of myself which is basically eating 500/800/1000 calories during different days of the week. Yesterday I had 500 calories. I was hungry but I know I need to lose weight so i resisted the hunger.
What does your daily food intake usually consist of?
Good luck with your calorie restrictions!
My daily intake varies - I never eat before 11am, and that's usually when I have a banana with some peanut butter. Then lunch and dinner could be a sandwich, and some kind of bigger meal (curry, lasagne etc). It's hard because I live in community with lots of other people so I don't cook for myself, and just eat whatever is provided. I try to keep reasonable portions though.
I know this way weight loss will be slower, but I'm hoping it's sustainable as it's close to 'normal' eating!
voiceless, on 25 Jun 2018 - 12:20 PM, said:
Hey! I'm back again and wondering how you're doing.
Sending hugs x
Hey! I'm glad you're back. I'm doing well, I think I've hit a bit of a plateau, but I'm pushing on! How are you? xx
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Posted 28 June 2018 - 03:23 AM
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My (new) accountability/rant/body check thread
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Posted 28 June 2018 - 04:06 AM
Not Today Satan, on 28 Jun 2018 - 03:23 AM, said:
Following
Welcome! Thanks for following - my updates are not nearly as interesting as yours, but I'm trying! xx
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Posted 28 June 2018 - 04:29 AM
This morning my weight was up to 132.4 - I'm still not counting, but I'm pretty certain I've not been eating over my TDEE so it must just be general fluctuations in weight. So frustrating! I keep meaning to weigh myself less, but somehow I'm now up to weighing every morning! I think a few days of being more aware of calories and of not weighing might help. I'm always so desperate to see what my weight is doing, but then get discouraged with the numbers.
I'm sorry for the pathetic updates recently. Life has just been so busy! One thing that is consuming much of my time is a guy which is exciting although nothing is really happening yet. The story so far (in spoiler because of length) for those who are interested:
I live where I work which means living with colleagues who are also friends, yes, a bit of an odd set up but it works. In September we had a guy join us who is much younger than me, but we've always got on well and are good friends. In the last couple of months though, we've been spending much more time together, there's been more physical contact (hugs, hand on the back etc) and much more in depth conversations. I had thought this was lovely but didn't really think anything of it because of the age gap and the fact that he is way out of my league!
Then one night a few weeks ago a few of us were watching a film together, me and him were sat next to each other and he started holding my hand, playing with my fingers, stroking my side - this all took me by surprise but was definitely not unwelcome! This happened during the film then nothing for a few days until he asks if we can 'chat' (uh oh!). He said that he had felt that over the last few weeks we had been getting closer, and he didn't know if there was something more and was testing the waters by holding my hand to see what I would do (which he acknowledged in hindsight wasn't the best course to take) and the fact that I didn't pull away from him meant that I also felt the same.
We had a really honest chat in which we both said we felt there could be more but we really value the friendship and don't want to lose that, so are going to focus on developing our friendship and see where it goes. He also said that he really doesn't want to hurt me which was sweet, but what does that even mean?
Which is all well and good, but that was a couple of weeks ago now. We live and work together so we see each other every day. I love that, and we're getting on so well as friends, but the more I see him, the more time I want to spend with him and the more I'm convinced that I want more than friendship. I don't know whether to say something, wait for him to make another move, or just leave it.
SO, any advice on moving a friendship to something more would be greatly appreciated!
TLDR; I'm smitten with one of my best friends, how do I move things to the next level?
Well done if you did read the whole thing, when I started writing it all just flowed out! I'm now terrified that someone I know will see this and know who I am, but that must be paranoia because there is no way!
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Posted 28 June 2018 - 05:03 AM
)))))))) (idk how itd work with openly ed people but its much rarer and i doubt they'd spread it like that anyway my paranoia made me ramble again lmao)about the relationship: i mean I've seen this happen a lot and tbh when its clear you both are enjoying each other then you could give a relationship a try. seeing how you are together almost daily then i doubt even if it doesnt work out that you wont remain friends anymore. small age differences and "leagues" mean nothing if you go along well, I used to think like you too. just try telling/expressing to him you like him back (always waiting for the other party to make the move isnt that good for both
)srsly ive seen so many of my friends just not enter relationships even when they both liked each other so much just because of fear and its such a waste when they click so well! you dont have anything to lose but your regret someday in the future! best of luck
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Posted 29 June 2018 - 06:28 AM
Aaaahhh, I replied and it's disappeared!
IMissS.P., on 28 Jun 2018 - 05:03 AM, said:
haha i know about the paranoia of having your accountability found out, but if you calculate the chances they're so slim. and if they found it then it means that other person has an ED/problem too so unless they want their secret spilled too
about the relationship: i mean I've seen this happen a lot and tbh when its clear you both are enjoying each other then you could give a relationship a try. seeing how you are together almost daily then i doubt even if it doesnt work out that you wont remain friends anymore. small age differences and "leagues" mean nothing if you go along well, I used to think like you too. just try telling/expressing to him you like him back (always waiting for the other party to make the move isnt that good for both
srsly ive seen so many of my friends just not enter relationships even when they both liked each other so much just because of fear and its such a waste when they click so well! you dont have anything to lose but your regret someday in the future! best of luck
Thanks for your input! You're so right, I think maybe I do just need to suck it up and say something. I'm so useless and awkward at this kind of thing (even though I'm 29 and should surely have my life together by now). I'm terrible at flirting, and even the fact that someone might be interested in me is a foreign concept!
What you said about regrets is so true. Yes, if I say something and it doesn't work out it might be awkward for a while, but I think I'd regret not saying something more than the awkwardness. And we are great friends, so hopefully we'd get back to that!
It's all well and good saying that, but this means I actually have to work up the courage to say something! I'll let you know if I do!
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Posted 15 March 2017 - 01:21 PM
I've been binging like there's no tomorrow lately because I simply stopped caring. This happens over and over; it's a never ending cycle (hey... like we haven't heard that one before). I lose weight, look relatively human and then lose my shit again (... just in time for summer!), I lose my facial features, cheekbones, collarbones and any other bones I can think of just dissapear into thin air. I want it to stop. I want to be delicate, to be noticed. I've been making excuses and it's time to end them because excuses have never been genuine reasons ("One day won't hurt me" "It's only chocolate" "You don't need to weigh yourself"... there's plenty more where that came from).
BUT... so far I've managed to have a few good days and I'm getting back on track, back in control.
I won't be posting calories here since I don't count them strictly. As long as I remain between 500-900, I feel okay and the exact number doesn't give me anxiety (in other words: as long as I don't binge). I don't exercise or have any kind of "fitness routine" due to my lack of knowlege and even greater lack of motivation. Calories burned won't be included here (part because I'm a lazy fuck and part busy duck). My routine is complicated but one day it will be simple enough and I'll incorporate exercise.
Knowing that someone can read my stats and daily activities scares me; if I fail my acountability will display my mistakes, if I don't reach my goals in time this thread will lose its purpose. I must stay on track if I want to see numbers on the scale that make me proud to say out loud rather than keep hidden in the back of my mind. I'll be posting daily since the number on the scale is one of the things that I must know every morning without fail (otherwise it will be all I think about for the rest of the day and my concentration levels become nonexistent). Sharing numbers, goals and random thoughts that come into my head is the main purpose of this acountability thread...
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Posted 15 March 2017 - 01:25 PM
I want to finally reach my ugw and be 99 pounds, I want to be thin like I used to be, but wanting this is not enough and I need to put my heart and soul into my goals. But alongside that I also want to look after myself in various other aspects. I want to put effort into my appearance and be something to admire. I want to be organised and to be able to follow through with my plans without cancelling for the first chance I get to procrastinate. In a sense I want to become my own version of perfection as my goal becomes reality. One day I'll be comfortable in my skin (that day is not today, nor is it going to be tomorrow but I have the comfort of knowing the day is approaching).
BMI 24: 68.6 kg - 151 lbsBMI 23: 65.8 kg - 145 lbsBMI 22: 62.9 kg - 139 lbsBMI 21: 60.1 kg - 132 lbsBMI 20: 57.2 kg - 126 lbs
BMI 19: 54.4 kg - 120 lbs
BMI 18: 51.5 kg - 114 lbs
UGW
BMI 17.5: 50.0 kg - 110 lbs
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Posted 15 March 2017 - 01:55 PM
I'll post thinspo once in a blue moon. Food porn is also a huge possibility... anything aesthetic and pleasing to my own eyes. I could look at that stuff all day.
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Posted 15 March 2017 - 03:31 PM
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Posted 15 March 2017 - 03:53 PM
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Posted 27 January 2018 - 04:06 AM
27.01.2018 Weight: 61.1 kg - 135 lbs
11:06 am
I have enough lax to last me 15 days and in those 15 days I hope to lose 5.0 kg. I set unrealistic goals for myself but that way I'm able to achieve more than if I set a slow paced goal. In a way it is less disappointing to strive for 5.0 kg and lose 3.0 kg than it would be to strive for 3.0 kg and lose 1.0 kg. It all makes sense in its own way. I have eaten breakfast because some family is staying over and I have little to no opportunity to skip meals. I may get away with just eating a bigger lunch and skipping dinner but every once in a while it just turns into a mess... Once I get a job to go along with my studies I will be able to spend more time away from home and that will give me a change to eat less and get away with it without looking suspicious. My BMI was 21.4 this morning which is close to 21.0. I will get to 20.0 soon and then I will hopefully feel somewhat safe there because after that it will only take a short time to have a BMI less than 20.0. I think 19.0 would be good for a healthy person but my ultimate goal is 14.0.
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Posted 28 January 2018 - 05:29 AM
28.01.2018 Weight: 60.9 kg - 134 lbs
12:29 pm
I have wasted so much time and the days are moving fast. I feel like I can no longer keep up with anything and I have lost track of everything. There is so much to do and even if I put the time and effort into everything that needs to be done I feel like it is just too late to make any difference. There is so much anxiety and I have no idea how to deal with it. I feel empty again and I don't understand why everything is the way that it is. I want to make progress but I have no energy to do so; in every aspect I feel like a failure and the epitome of futility. This pointless existence is ruining me from the inside out and I am tired of it. I want to feel normal because the overwhelming numbing of my emotions is painful and sharp. There is no clear solution and almost every day without a second thought I say that I need to find the motivation even though I am not searching anymore. I feel like I have given up on everything. I am not allowed to give up and I have shown everyone that I know that I have strengths. The truth is that my only strength left is the ability to hide my weakness. I have no other choice and giving up is not an option. I must find the strength that everyone thinks I proudly possess.
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Posted 29 January 2018 - 02:37 AM
29.01.2018 Weight: 60.9 kg - 134 lbs
09:37 am
I am once again trying to get back on track. I have tidied everything and created a somewhat positive environment for myself to remain motivated. Tonight I will finish all the tasks that need to be done and wake up early tomorrow to continue with whatever is left. Along with studying there is also a ridiculous goal in the back of my mind to lose 1 pound a day (not impossible but a ridiculous goal nonetheless). If I did this, in 20 days I would be 115 lbs and safely in the underweight BMI category. Of course it will not happen because plateaus will hit me like bricks and ruin my progress within a few days. Even with the help of laxatives my weight will not miraculously skyrocket. If only the 2000s "tips 'n trix" were as magical as my 14 year old butterfly self thought they were… Speaking of my 14 year old butterfly self; apparently I joined this site a day after my 14th birthday. I have no memory of this but I wonder what possessed me to find this place. It was way before I was exposed to Starving In Suburbia. I suddenly wish I could go back in time just to see how I got here because I have no recollection of it. In the words of Memento's Leonard Shelby: "We all need memories to remind ourselves who we are." Though some memories are best forgotten and maybe that is why I lost my memory of how this happened. I do not want to be reminded of who I was because that persona is lost and I will never be the same again.
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Posted 30 January 2018 - 12:25 PM
30.01.2018 Weight: 60.8 kg - 134 lbs
07:25 pm
I have little time to regain my progress in life. Putting my eating disorder aside leaves me with a whole list of tasks that must be done if I want to progress in the future. I always thought that the tasks were a distraction from my eating disorder because they allowed me to forget the struggles that I face on a daily basis and the poisoned thoughts that flowed through my mind. The tasks are not a distraction. This eating disorder is the real distraction. It is a distraction from the future that awaits. I am young and I am tired of my own negativity. If I have managed to reach a point where even I am tired of my own shit then I cannot imagine how tired others must be. I have been living vicariously through the character that I have created. Telling people that I am okay, productive and on track with my goals when I am in fact the stark contrast. I want to be the person that I so easily pretend to be. This person is kind and understanding, happy with their life and positive about the future. There is nothing else to it. This imagined character is just happy. But this character is also me. Everything in her life is controlled, her emotions, her daily activities and her life as a whole is planned. Control is what possesses me. This eating disorder is controlling and like an abusive relationship it feels like I am trapped. I have learnt that control is not always a bad thing because my closest friends envy me for the control that they think I have. I have no idea what suddenly inspired me to change but it is not too late. I have a life ahead of me and if I make changes my life will not be over. I will become the person that everyone wants to be and the lie that I have so carefully manifested will become the truth. The days ahead of me will be planned and the running to do list will be complete. I want to become a better person and maybe this is the way to do it. I may not love myself now but one day I will learn. Now I will take this one step at a time. Everything will be okay.
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Posted 31 January 2018 - 06:40 AM
31.01.2018 Weight: 60.6 kg - 134 lbs
01:40 pm
Tomorrow is a new month; a new beginning. I have planned all the days ahead of me and everything looks easy; because it is easy, all I have to do now is follow the daily routines and I will soon be where I need to be. I have done this before and everything worked well. Every week follows the same routine and each hour is planned with specific tasks. I have little time left to work out but I am okay with this because I have all the time in the world to destroy my body (note the sarcasm and self deprecating joke). A while ago I read a thread about someone here who said that they refuse to let their eating disorder interfere with their studies. I have no idea what suddenly reminded me of the thread but I want to do exactly that. My eating disorder has taken away so many opportunities from me and has filled me with regrets. I have learnt that I must not regret anything. I must move on and look at the future ahead. Look at me being all positive (picture a 90s heroin chick talking about the light at the end of the tunnel and you will see the irony here). Once my studies are over I will focus on being healthy, or at least as healthy as I can be with an underweight BMI. I will learn to love myself because I cannot hate myself forever. It is painful and a pointless journey to nowhere. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever reach the future that I want because I may be doomed into a life that is simple and mundane. We all have high expectations and growing aspirations for the life that we want to have. But is it realistic? I hope so. I have simple goals in mind but I want to be an artist. Maybe in my spare time I will sell all my paintings and see what will happen. I have not painted in years but I know I have a talent. It is unrealistic to expect a living from art which is why I turn to my next best choice: Literature. I will go into teaching where once again every day will follow a routine and I will be okay because with a plan I feel safe and secure. We all have unrealistic dreams. But maybe this small candle flame of positivity is what I need because I feel better. I am fortunate and my future is not hopeless. To reach my goals I just have to do the work that has to be put in for the results that I want. I am motivated and I will be okay in the end. This is a pointless ramble about the future but this whole thread is all about pointless rambles. My mind is a pointless ramble and this is a place where everything is placed together like a neatly laid out diary. I realise that not every day is going to be a happy one. But that is okay because this is what the disorder does to us. It messes with our thoughts and I am learning to block everything out. I have stopped blocking everything form my disorder and learnt to do the opposite; to block my disorder form my activities. This will always be a part of me because it is not something that can be thrown away. To a normal person that cannot be explained but this disorder is here to stay. I will get better one day but my mind will never be normal again. My life is not poisoned but simply ill from an incurable disease. I always say that I will be okay in the end but now that I put some thought into it I believe that I will be. It is no longer just a meaningless phrase. I am hopeful and maybe for the first time I understand everything. I will not be sickly motivated by numbers. My motivation will be something new this time. Death is no longer the goal.
#146
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Posted 01 February 2018 - 12:35 AM
01.02.2018 Weight: 60.5 kg - 133 lbs
07:35 am
Creating this complex lie about my personality and me traits has always been an advantage because I gained trust so easily. People told me everything about themselves and it was abnormal to know so much about so many. My closest friends thought they knew everything when in fact they knew nothing. Putting trust into someone who seems like they have it all together makes sense and maybe that is why they revealed so much. Now, I have spent so much time distancing myself from these people that I no longer share the close friendship that was once there. In some strange ways I am glad because I never wanted to know anything in the first place. It was simply a coincidence that they decided to make themselves vulnerable and reveal their secrets. I am now able to see these people but we have nothing in common and they are oblivious to our obvious differences. I can talk to them but I do not share anything in common and our friendships have become empty. I am left with only one friend who I feel like I can trust. This friend also only knows the made up version of me. I use this to my advantage because in some strange way it is motivating to watch someone take inspiration from you. Today was the first day where I felt like I was not lying. I followed my plans and everything was organised; under control.
#147
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Posted 02 February 2018 - 03:15 AM
02.02.2018 Weight: 60.1 kg - 132 lbs
10:15 am
Day two is equally as motivating as day one was. I have spent so many days isolating myself without a purpose that I was exhausted on a new level. I felt like I reached some strange point in life and with my eating disorder where there was no point in life and no hope for a better tomorrow. It seems pathetic now that I look back at my thoughts but there is nothing I can do about it now. I am immature and all I want now is to make changes. This eating disorder controls my thoughts but it is minuscule. It is a small voice in the back of my mind that interferes. I will no longer let this define me. I do not know how long this will last but I am making the most of these thoughts. I am tired of being negative, tired of self hatred, and tired of not living. I have completed everything that needed to be done for today and tonight I am working through other tasks that need to be done for tomorrow. I have little time to rest but in some way this is good because I am distracted from the negative thoughts. I feel better and I want to remain this way for as long as possible. I feel like I am revealing my whole life story here but all I am doing is rambling about things that I have already said. I guess repeating the goals that I want to achieve helps me because now they are engrained into my mind. I have no other choice but to work towards them. If I do not, there will be nothing left of me and I will dive into oblivion once more. I do not want o hit rock bottom again and I do not want to be suicidal. For once, I am not being a hypocrite. I am following my own advice. Death is not an exit and I believe in those words. I do not want to say goodbye. I have said this countless times to others because I do not want the people that I love to suffer but I love myself too. I want to live and I want to be happy. I say I do not know what it means to be happy and what it means to be a better person but now it all makes sense. We all have our own definitions and I am searching for mine. I feel like I found part of the meaning and once I complete everything that I want to do I will be full. This emptiness will disappear. It cannot last forever. Nothing is permanent.
#148
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Posted 03 February 2018 - 02:39 AM
03.02.2018 Weight: 59.8 kg - 132 lbs
09:39 am
This weekend will be productive and I am planning to complete as much work as possible. I have been eating breakfast every morning and I feel better during the day. I have more energy to focus and I lost the dull feeling of exhaustion. I feel energised and ready to continue with the day ahead. I have today and tomorrow planned out with different tasks for each hour. I have several months before my exams and I am thankful for the motivation that I have. It is not too late and I cannot afford to be negative. I am able to eat a large meal during lunch without gaining weight the next day but I am unable to eat dinner without feeling guilty. This is better than low restriction because I still have enough energy to do everything that I have set out to do. As long as I am able to focus I am okay. Tomorrow will not be much different from today. I will eat a small breakfast and some fruits throughout the day and have lunch with my family. I will complete the rest of my tasks and make another list for the upcoming week. I know exactly what needs to be done and now I simply have to get on. I have delayed this work for a long time and now I am left with a mountain on my desk but if I follow the plan this mountain should disappear in time. I started this accountability with the intention of rambling about my weight loss but now it has slowly morphed into a study plan. When exams are over I will be posting my exercise routine and I will have a different motivation. My motivation will be to live a healthy life (as healthy a life as I can have with an eating disorder…). I am trying to drown the thoughts about my weight as much as possible and this routine is helping me. I will always have these thoughts but at least they are no longer drowning me. Tomorrow is a new week and I hope that along with completing the list for the week I will also lose at least 1.0 kg. I am taking this slowly because weight loss is no longer the most important goal. I cannot allow myself to gain weight but I must not let this become the only goal. I am happy with the slowest of progress because I must keep my sanity intact. Even maintenance is okay. I am happy to maintain the same number until exams are over because I have endless opportunities to lose weight. I will not however, have endless opportunities to succeed. There is only one change and no other choice but to complete everything now. As soon as this is over I will work towards new goals. I will not relapse and I will be complete as a whole new person. This disorder does not define me as a person and though I do not know what the future holds for me. There is nothing stopping me from making changes. I have no idea how I manage to write so much about so little but I guess I just like to talk about nothing. There is no point in this but it helps me get rid of the mess in my head. I am more organised and the puzzle is slowly being put together. The pieces that are missing will be found and I will soon have the whole picture.
#149
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Posted 04 February 2018 - 03:17 AM
04.02.2018 Weight: 59.8 kg - 132 lbs
10:17 am
Today is Monday. A new week and a small new beginning. It will be just as productive as my weekend has been and I plan to keep this streak of productivity without breaking it. I have eaten breakfast and with so many distractions filling my day I managed to skip lunch without putting much thought into it. I must eat something for dinner to keep my energy if I want to continue with my studies into the late hours of the night. I may have a few fruits here and there because like I said before: There is no rush to lose this weight because it is no longer my one and only goal. Even with such little effort in my weight loss I am still losing quicker than the average person. I am stressed and this stress and exhaustion is affecting my weight. I think this is a healthy level of stress but only because it is so much better in comparison to the oblivion that I was buried in previously. I now have a purpose and this stress is only a small compromise. I work better under pressure. Creating this routine that is obsessively planned with a task for every hour has allowed me to remain occupied. Taking tasks out of the list as they are completed has become motivating and I am happy to be tired. This is not the kind of tired that I get without eating. This is the kind of tired that I expect from being occupied. I am depriving myself of rest but I know that soon it will all be over. I will not be tired forever and when the stress is over I will find a new way to keep myself full. Now I am simply working through everything and losing weight slowly without trying. Slow progress is okay; maintenance is okay, as long as I am okay.
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Posted 05 February 2018 - 12:28 PM
05.02.2018 Weight: 59.9 kg - 132 lbs
07:28 pm
I will not be making posts for a while because now I feel like I should simply try to forget about weight loss in general. There is no point in trying to focus on it now when I am unable to put all my effort into it. I am still losing weight and making progress and I am sure that when I return I will weigh less. But I just do not see the point in having it on the back of my mind because there are far more important tasks that occupy my mind now. I may return soon but hopefully I will stay away from myproana until exams are over. I cannot afford to be distracted. I am trying to be as healthy as I can be because these harmful thoughts are still in the corner of my head, whispering hurtful things. Maybe staying away from this place will help me. But I know that at some point I will return because this disorder will always be here. I think one day I will recover. Some day far into the future I will be healthy, maybe this disorder is not here forever and maybe one day I will become oblivious to it. I hope so. I do not want to harm myself and I certainly do not want to damage the ones that I love, especially when there are so few that I am close to.
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Posted 14 February 2018 - 03:48 AM
14.02.2018 Weight: 56.0 kg - 123 lbs
10:47 am
Happy Valentine's Day. Today I have decided to break the hiatus because it has been a good day. I have lost weight and I feel positive about losing more in the days to come. I am working productively and planning my future. I met with my best friend a few days ago and spent the day just being normal. It was strange but one day maybe it will not just be a single day and it will be a constant pattern of normality. I do not see that happening just yet because I am still consumed by these thoughts but I still look forward to some sort of resolution. My BMI is finally under 20 and I am so close to being underweight. These numbers should not matter so much to me but they swallow me whole and sometimes the numbers are all that run through my head. I have no idea what I will look like when I finally reach a number I am satisfied with but I look forward to that day. Within a few days after seeing my friend after such a long time apart I have seen things in a different perspective. Seeing how normal and optimistic someone can be made me take some of that with me. If he can be positive why can't I? It's strange how one day with someone important can change things so quickly and paint whole new picture on a blank canvas. I have made some plans as to what I am going to do with my future and I am not entirely controlled by my eating disorder. There is more to life than numbers and this toxic obsession.
#152
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Posted 04 January 2019 - 06:36 AM
04.01.2019 Weight: 64.1 kg - 141 lbs
01:36 pm
"Abandon all hope ye who enter here." Once again I've left this thread, only to find my failures listed here a year later. As always I come with a plan in hopes of finally following it. I've joined countless challenges only to forget them days later but this time will be different. This will be my year (pardon the cliché). I've started a new chapter in my life with a psychology degree and I want to move forward. I'm tired of standing still in one place, speaking of change but never changing. I've set up goals for the end of every month and hope to reach my ultimate goal weight before my birthday on May 29th. I will be productive and have a list of tasks for every day that will always be completed. I will do 500 sit ups every morning and weigh myself without fail. I have made a challenge to lose 10 pounds this month but as I've already lost half of that in a few days I will change this to 20 pounds which will allow me to reach a BMI of 20 by the end of the month. I have read some of my old posts and I have realised that everything is almost exactly the same with a few breaks in between. I have nothing left to say.
#153
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Posted 07 January 2019 - 05:13 AM
07.01.2019 Weight: 61.7 kg - 136 lbs
12:13 pm
My first day after the Christmas break and I weigh 136 lbs. I have lost the 10 pounds and I want to lose another 10 before the month ends. I will have a BMI of 20 if I do this. I had a wonderful break and spent the month working in a perfume store. I have also decided to cut my hair; I thought about it for a while but for some reason I decided to finally do it, maybe to symbolise one of the many changes to come. My plan for today is to organise my notes and eat as little as possible. Today will be simple as I have lectures and no breaks in between. Tomorrow I will need an excuse for the 2 hour break as my friends will question why I'm not joining them for a suffocating lunch. I'm tired of meeting temporary friends. I wish they were real and understanding but maybe I do not deserve that and that is why I have not met a true friend yet. I want this to change and maybe this is one of the reasons I am trapped in this eating disorder. Everyone says it's about control and I think I finally agree. I think I want to make a new accountability thread because this thread has always been a ramble of thoughts and it will always be just that and nothing more. If I made a new thread maybe it would be different. I don't know how but I know it would be.
#154
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Posted 18 January 2019 - 12:57 AM
18.01.2019 Weight: 58.9 kg - 130 lbs
07:57 am
I am under 60.0 kg; a safe place. Though I am far away from my ultimate goal weight, I am closer to my other goals. This Sunday I am meeting with a close friend that I haven't seen for a while. My goal was to be 55.0 kg by then. This will not happen and I knew it from the start but I know I am close now. He will not notice the change but I know it is there and I will be at peace with the numbers that are smaller than they were when I last saw him. I have lost control and the realisation has slowly followed me like a shadow that has now overtaken my life. I lie to everyone I know. The lies I have told have become flawless; so intricate that sometimes even I become a believer of the optimistic dream. I am no longer able to tell the difference between what is real and what is not. What is feasible and what is a simple childish fantasy? I started this accountability thread a few years ago, abandoning it constantly but never starting a new one because it has become almost like a diary that I am so reluctant to throw away. I will reach my goals and once I do I will continue to make posts. It will be my way of staying on track; responsible for my failure and my success.
#155
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Posted 28 January 2019 - 02:18 AM
28.01.2019 Weight: 57.0 kg - 126 lbs
09:18 am
The 27th of February; I am going to a classical music concert with my best friend on this date. If that fails to motivate me then there really is no hope. Currently I weigh 57.0 kg which leaves me with a BMI of 20.0. I have exactly one month to reach a weight that makes me feel somewhat okay. Reaching my ultimate goal weight does not seem feasible but I may reach 50.0 kg which will place me at an underweight BMI of 17.5. I will spend this month preparing myself for this day and looking after myself in every sense of the word. Though my weight loss has been far from healthy I will make sure to take care of my mental health and follow every step of self care. I have chosen a dress to wear already which is the black Alexander McQueen dress I wore to my prom. I was almost overweight on the day, my face swollen, uncomfortable in every moment. This will be different. I will finally be myself. I'm not doing this for anyone but myself. I'm exhausted. I can no longer avoid everyone due to utter lack of confidence. Everything will change from this moment. I know that weight loss is not the answer to everything but this is something I have strived for as long as I can remember. I think some part of me is doing it for him. I realise there is no use in doing this but I no longer want compare myself; I simply want to be equal. Standing next to someone tall and athletic, proud of his achievements while I lie about my own confidence has become almost painful. Always telling him that I'm okay even when I'm falling apart. I will no longer have to lie, and just like him I will stand tall with my perfect frame. I suppose I'm not doing this so he could notice but maybe I expect some sort of reaction. Praise for my delicate frame and false belief that it's an athletic achievement from training in a healthy manner. The truth is that I will never return to my former self. The smiling child running in a summer dress. I will turn into an illusion of my best self; smiling through the pain of starvation because it is all I can remember. This is my twisted reality.
#156
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Posted 03 March 2019 - 11:07 AM
03.03.2019 Weight: 54.0 kg - 119 lbs
06:07 pm
I don't know whether me feeling unwell is the result of my health deteriorating or an outcome of the overwhelming amount of emotions in me. I thought seeing my closest friend would be good for me and I would feel some sort of relief but I was only happy for a short moment and once I returned home I realised that something was wrong and being so distracted by my own feelings I didn't realise until later. I had no words to comfort him and for a day or so I felt guilty. There are only a few people in this world that I genuinely care about and he is one of them. Sometimes I feel like all the people I love trust me too much and in turn all their emotions stay with me and I feel their pain. Right now I am in pain, both physical and emotional and my only coping mechanism is this eating disorder. I don't know when I will see him again. I just don't want him to suffer. Even when I'm in distress I rarely ever mention it because I'm so afraid of disrupting his thoughts. I want to put my heart on my sleeve and at the same time I want to be someone else.
#157
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Posted 15 November 2020 - 04:00 PM
15.11.2020 Weight: 58.7 kg - 129 lbs
23:00 pm
I have not posted on this accountability thread in over a year. Reading through old posts feels strange. Since the beginning I thought weight loss would somehow solve all of my problems and some part of me still desperately wants to believe that one number can solve everything. Coming back to this thread feels comforting, even though I’m 10 pounds heavier than I was when I last posted here I feel somewhat content. During the first lockdown I reached my highest weight once more and though I vowed never to reach that number I did it anyway. I lost the weight in a rush as rules began to ease and places started to open again. I realised I will eventually have to see people again and I cannot allow them to see me like this. Now I am in a comfortable space with my weight but I feel like I can lose more and I am back in this cycle of intense fear. Fear of the most irrational things like small meals and even water weight. I keep saying to myself that it will stop when I lose a few more kilos but every time I lose a few more I end up repeating the same mantra.
#158
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Posted 06 December 2020 - 03:00 PM
06.12.2020 Weight: 56.9 kg - 125 lbs
22:00 pm
I cannot remember the last time my eating disorder made me lose this much time. I fee like all control has been lost, I am suddenly defined by this disorder and all other parts of me are in some sort of void. I have been purging daily; today I think I just lost all track of time and this entire day has gone to waste. Tomorrow will be different, I promised myself not to purge. If I can do this tomorrow it means I can do it for another day, until I am free of this terrible ritual that I have followed for so long. I plan on writing a letter to myself in hopes of finding some motivation for the day that it will be opened. I have decided to open the letter on Christmas day as I suppose motivation will be my gift to myself. I may write another letter when I lose more weight. I find this process to be somewhat therapeutic.
#159
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Posted 06 December 2020 - 06:00 PM
07.12.2020 Weight: 56.9 kg - 125 lbs
01:00 am
#160
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Posted 10 December 2020 - 01:00 PM
10.12.2020 Weight: 55.0 kg - 121 lbs
20:00 pm
#1
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Posted 13 March 2018 - 11:40 AM
hey all! i'm back. had another one of these threads before i deleted when my therapist wanted me to go IP.
what you can expect:
consistent intakes and weigh-ins, somewhat consistent body checks and vegetarian food pics provided i don't fuck up and get unmotivated, lots of rambling and whining. enjoy!
a little more about me:
i've diagnosed with anorexia for almost 5 years now. done inpatients, resi, php, iop, and the works. i'm a vegetarian.
height: 5'5"
HW: 122 lbs after my last discharge in november
CW: 94 lbs
GW1: 99 lbs
GW2: 95 lbs
GW3: 90 lbs
UGW: 80 lbs
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Posted 13 March 2018 - 12:00 PM
so far today:
BREAKFAST:
green tea (0 cal)
LUNCH:
1 luna bar (180 cal)
half grapefruit (26 cal)
coffee with almond milk (7 cal)
planning on having rice cakes for dinner to keep today under 300.
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Posted 13 March 2018 - 08:40 PM
update: for dinner i had two lightly salted rice cakes with some sriracha and mustard (125 cal), plus 5 strawberries for dessert (20 cal)
which makes my total for today 358 cal. i'm trying to remember that even with about 1,600 burned i'm still at a deficit but it's making me anxious because today was supposed to be a low restrict day.
i'm planning on doing 800 cals max tomorrow.
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Posted 14 March 2018 - 08:16 PM
well, today was annoying. started off with black coffee for breakfast but was already feeling hungry this morning when i went out to run errands. had an early lunch of a protein bar and an apple with 2 tbsp almond butter (not pictured) because i honestly felt faint after running around all morning.
for dinner i had homemade veggie sushi. i really didn't want to eat all of it but getting back into a period of low restriction has been hard, so i ate all of it. 
still managed to keep everything under 800 cal though! yippee!
LUNCH:
LUNA bar (180)
apple (80)
2 tbsp almond butter (190)
DINNER:
veggie sushi (330)
TOTAL: 780 cal
CW: 93.4 lbs
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Posted 15 March 2018 - 10:51 AM
so fucking hungry this morning but i had a fruit pouch (90) and a skinny vanilla latte with almond milk (100) for breakfast. going to make some toast with jam for lunch.
plus a little body check from this morning..
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Posted 15 March 2018 - 11:16 AM
Height- 159cm
SW-125
CW-105
GW-Recovery
My accountability has food pics from page 3, me trying hard and possibly failing. If anyone follows or comments I can follow you back.-
My accountability
#8
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Posted 15 March 2018 - 06:04 PM
went on a long walk today plus did calisthenics for an hour. i'm proud of my progress today!
LUNCH:
fruit pouch (90)
coffee (100)
DINNER:
1 pickle (7)
2 slices of toast (184) with jam (35)
TOTAL: 416 cal
CW: 93.0 lbs
#10 Guest_penelopebunny ✨_*
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Posted 24 March 2018 - 07:29 PM
it's been a hot second since i updated. i was supposed to get a weigh-in on monday but i cancelled my appointment at the last second.
i've been doing pretty well with all my food rules, only went over my limit once or twice since i last posted, and exercised every single day.
LUNCH:
strawberries (24)
banana (100)
DINNER:
salad (54)
vegetarian "chicken" (76)
SNACK:
1 slice of toast, not pictured (80)
TOTAL: 334 cal
body check:
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Posted 24 March 2018 - 07:44 PM
your so pretty!! awesome accountaBEElity youve got here (: (im so so sorry for that pun lol) youve got this though and you look gorgeous!
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Posted 24 March 2018 - 09:30 PM
(((:, on 24 Mar 2018 - 7:44 PM, said:
your so pretty!! awesome accountaBEElity youve got here (: (im so so sorry for that pun lol) youve got this though and you look gorgeous!
aw thank you love 
you're too sweet
#14 Guest_penelopebunny ✨_*
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Posted 25 March 2018 - 04:46 PM
Omg you're so beautiful!!! I aspire to look like you someday <3
Hope you're doing well love~ xx
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Posted 26 March 2018 - 07:20 PM
penelopebunny, on 25 Mar 2018 - 4:46 PM, said:
Omg you're so beautiful!!! I aspire to look like you someday <3
Hope you're doing well love~ xx
aw thank you love <3 you're gorgeous too!
#16
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Posted 26 March 2018 - 07:47 PM
today i tried to high restrict because i had a long day of class and a gym class, but aimed to keep it under 1000 kcal. i'd say it went well, but the discomfort and bloat is so real right now. i did breakfast at home, a snack between classes, and then dinner at 8pm at home.
breakfast:
thin bagel (100)
low fat cream cheese, 2 tbsp (60)
grapes (62)
raspberries (8)
almond milk (118)
coffee (0)
snack:
greek yogurt (140)
dinner:
eggplant curry (145)
naan (130)
TOTAL; 763 cal
weight: 94.3
i know it's probably just the food and water weight but i can't tell if i look bigger...
body check:
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#17 Guest_skinny-death-wish_*
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Posted 26 March 2018 - 08:46 PM
you're so gorgeous! good luck, i believe in you! <3
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Posted 27 March 2018 - 06:26 PM
i had such a stressful day with classwork. i keep letting things pile up and then it gets harder to work when i'm hungry! i might talk to a professor to see if i can get an extension on a paper. otherwise, things are good. i was happy to stay under my limit today, i even considered getting another latte at lunch but didn't want to waste the calories. i still have an assignment to complete and i need to exercise today, i hope i can get through the rest of the evening without binging.
wishing everyone a happy wednesday!
breakfast:
fruit pouch (45)
almond milk latte (106)
lunch (not pictured):
quest bar (190)
half a deli salad (68)
dinner:
small bowl of tomato soup (145)
half a roll (70)
TOTAL: 624 cal
weight: 94.1 lbs (-0.2)
bodycheck:
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Posted 27 March 2018 - 07:34 PM
update: i'm trying to work on homework with a big glass of ice water, but my annoying roommate is sitting on the sofa next to me with two open cartons of ice cream, and is loudly slurping it off the spoon. i keep staring at her so she'll shut up but she doesn't get it. i hope i never lack this much self-awareness!
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Overcaffeinated
Posted 27 March 2018 - 07:36 PM
Ugh, that is annoying. It would make me so turned off on the ice cream though, so that's nice. haha.
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