My body pics/accountability (low BMI)
#1 
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Posted 11 September 2017 - 12:53 AM
Hey, I've reached an pretty low BMI in terms of numbers and I feel like I need to ramble and post pics and maybe even get some friends?
I weighed in at 38kg this morning (I'm 167cm) so my BMI is 13.7, soon to be 13.6 and so on until 12.0 (reached BMI 11.2 on 21/1/18)
This is me about a week before I started this thread at BMI 13.9-14
This was me this morning, excuse the flower emojis haha
I'm 17 years old and basically can't function at school, my heart and liver hurt a lot and my parents haven't noticed a -9kg drop in my weight and neither have my friends really
This is me 3 months ago before I lost the weight at around BMI 17.5
I usually eat 500-760 calories Monday to Saturday and on Sunday I eat about 1,000-1,100 calories.
Every day I run for at least 3-4 hours so I get a defecit of 1,000 to 1,500 almost every day
This has changed a bit, I still eat around the same but I exercise about 2-2.5 hours because I'm really fucking tired all the time and I have to study cause I'm back at school (I live in Aus but I went on a lil holiday to America for 2 weeks and still lost 1kg which was very surprising)
I guess I'm just looking for support and to feel accountable for my body/life?
*had saraha and deleted it so if you ask questions on it I won’t reply*
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#2
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Lord Heisenburg
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Posted 11 September 2017 - 12:55 AM
aww girl those deficits are crazy 
stay hydrated at least. I find having a deficit of -1000 to be a lot even on some days. How long have you kept up with that deficit for
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"Heis,
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Perfection and goals,
How I long to see you be whole" - S'mores
#3
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Posted 11 September 2017 - 01:01 AM
Heisenbυrg, on 11 Sept 2017 - 12:55 AM, said:
3 months so far, I try to do lower defecit days and end up with my legs twitching and my mind racing until I get up and run... are you a compulsive exerciser too?aww girl those deficits are crazy
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#4
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Posted 11 September 2017 - 01:01 AM
This girl touched my shoulder bones today and was like 'wow I love your bones' idk how to feeelll
I was gonna stop and try to maintain at BMI 14.6, then 14, now I don't know maybe 13.0?
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#5
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Posted 11 September 2017 - 01:03 AM
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#6
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Posted 11 September 2017 - 01:07 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 11 Sept 2017 - 01:01 AM, said:
3 months so far, I try to do lower defecit days and end up with my legs twitching and my mind racing until I get up and run... are you a compulsive exerciser too?
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yea but my max deficit is like 1300 and I cant keep that up for long
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How I long to see you be whole" - S'mores
#7
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Posted 11 September 2017 - 01:10 AM
Heisenbυrg, on 11 Sept 2017 - 01:07 AM, said:
yea but my max deficit is like 1300 and I cant keep that up for long
That's a massive deficit too! I drink a fuckton of Pepsi max, monster ultra zero, V sugar free etc. to keep me awake so I'm usually bouncing off the walls or completely drained of energy
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#8
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Posted 11 September 2017 - 01:12 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 11 Sept 2017 - 01:10 AM, said:
Haha same!! I love my monster ultra zero! 3+ cans and I'm buzzingThat's a massive deficit too! I drink a fuckton of Pepsi max, monster ultra zero, V sugar free etc. to keep me awake so I'm usually bouncing off the walls or completely drained of energy
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#9
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Posted 11 September 2017 - 01:15 AM
Heisenbυrg, on 11 Sept 2017 - 01:12 AM, said:
Haha same!! I love my monster ultra zero! 3+ cans and I'm buzzing
Literally, I don't know how I'd FUNCTION without my monster ultra sunrise ☀️☀️
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#10
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Posted 11 September 2017 - 01:18 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 11 Sept 2017 - 01:15 AM, said:
Literally, I don't know how I'd FUNCTION without my monster ultra sunrise ☀️☀️
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We need all the other flavours here in Aus!!
I have a youtube channel too!
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#11
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Posted 11 September 2017 - 01:51 AM
Heisenbυrg, on 11 Sept 2017 - 01:18 AM, said:
We need all the other flavours here in Aus!!
I didn't know there was more!!?? I've only seen white (ew) and the orange one, damn those US people
Also, we need more halo top flavours, I've only seen lemon, chocolate, strawberry, vanilla, mint chip and birthday cake! Where is the s'mores and caramel macchiato and rainbow swirl ugh
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#12
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Posted 11 September 2017 - 03:50 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 11 Sept 2017 - 01:51 AM, said:
I didn't know there was more!!?? I've only seen white (ew) and the orange one, damn those US people
Also, we need more halo top flavours, I've only seen lemon, chocolate, strawberry, vanilla, mint chip and birthday cake! Where is the s'mores and caramel macchiato and rainbow swirl ugh
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yea theres blue, purple, black etc US people are fkn lucky!
haha I dont eat halo top but those flavors have arrived in Aus!! at particular IGA's etc! if you just look it up im sure you will find some info on it
I have a youtube channel too!
subscribe if ya want
(going to upload videos soon!.. more ed content and random shit)
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"Heis,
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Perfection and goals,
How I long to see you be whole" - S'mores
#13
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Posted 11 September 2017 - 04:05 AM
Heisenbυrg, on 11 Sept 2017 - 03:50 AM, said:
yea theres blue, purple, black etc US people are fkn lucky!
haha I dont eat halo top but those flavors have arrived in Aus!! at particular IGA's etc! if you just look it up im sure you will find some info on it
My mind is blown x2
Thanks for replying to my ramblings, sometimes I get so isolated in this ED
#14
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Posted 11 September 2017 - 03:49 PM
I'm joined a gym to gain some muscle and lose more fat, this is my horrible outfit for now 'cause I haven't bought any gym gear
I'm going tonight after school til 5
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#15
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Posted 11 September 2017 - 04:39 PM
Breakfast was these raspberries and blackberries (80) and about 25g of nutrigrain cereal with watered down almond milk (100 + 20)
= 200 calories for breakfast
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#16
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Posted 12 September 2017 - 10:58 PM
I bought some Walden Farms chocolate sauce and I don't know if I like it yet?
I plan on having halo top and dinner later for about 900 calories today, I'm trying to increase to maintenance calories but I was talking to a friend today about life and how I get so many bruises because I'm clumsy and bony and she laughed and said I wasn't bony? I feel like at my BMI I would be considered bony to say the least so that really bugs me and now I feel fat and like I should lose more....
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#17
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Posted 13 September 2017 - 12:12 AM
Subtract 740 calories from exercise
And another 1,420 calories from my sedentary bmr
= -1,620 calories
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#18
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Posted 13 September 2017 - 04:39 AM
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#19
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Posted 13 September 2017 - 01:37 PM
Ugh people should really think before they say. 100% honest, you're bony in my eyes. Following!
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#20
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Posted 13 September 2017 - 02:56 PM
Good luck 
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Super awesome threads:
I think I might be allergic to my girlfriend.
I'm not okay but that's okay.
I'm not suicidal I'm die-curious.
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Posted 29 September 2017 - 02:39 AM
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#83
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Posted 29 September 2017 - 04:34 AM
And yet I can still push myself to exercise even if I can't feel my body when I do
I hope that I just slip into a coma and never wake up because I just keep fucking everything up
I wish I'd maintained at a BMI of 14, I liked the way I looked and I didn't feel like shit all the time
I need to motivate myself to get back there or I'm scared where I'll end up
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#84
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Posted 29 September 2017 - 04:35 AM
Starduss, on 29 Sept 2017 - 01:19 AM, said:
No prob. It's still relatively a new thread and I didn't know if it was one of those threads where a whole lot of people chime in, or one of the ones where the OP just wants it for herself. I'll start commenting more
Thank you so much
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#85
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Posted 29 September 2017 - 04:36 AM
Heisenbυrg, on 29 Sept 2017 - 01:19 AM, said:
yuppp definitely
I'm honoured ❤️❤️
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#86
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Posted 29 September 2017 - 04:36 AM
Suunshine, on 29 Sept 2017 - 01:26 AM, said:
just wanted to pop in and say hello. reading here
stay safe xx
I hope I do, thanks for the pop in haha
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Posted 29 September 2017 - 04:37 AM
ParisWhisper, on 29 Sept 2017 - 02:39 AM, said:
I'm reading. Glad to see you're trying to maintain at times. Stay safe.
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#89
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Posted 29 September 2017 - 04:48 AM
Idk
I'm still going to exercise tho, but I'll try to cut back on those days and narrow down my deficit to at least 500 but no more than 900
So tomorrow I plan to have 1,100 calories, and run for 4 hours on and off to burn about 700 calories (I've become really slow and have to take breaks a lot now) so with my bmr I'll end up at at -860
Then Sunday I'll decrease my exercise even more to about 3 hours on and off and burn 540, eat 1,300 and have a deficit of -500
I'm nervous, excited and already feel guilty and I hope I don't have a breakdown because if I can do this then eventually I'll decrease exercise and increase food enough to maintain
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#90
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Posted 29 September 2017 - 05:22 AM
You are so incredibly thin. Stay safe hun. <3
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#91
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Posted 29 September 2017 - 05:37 AM
Following xx Be safe hey <3
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#92
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Posted 29 September 2017 - 06:33 AM
ForestFairy, on 29 Sept 2017 - 05:22 AM, said:
You are so incredibly thin. Stay safe hun. <3
I personally don't feel thin just really crappy lol
I've been told by many therapists that I have probably got BDD tho so idk
Thanks for the well wishes tho, hope you stay safe too
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#93
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Posted 29 September 2017 - 06:35 AM
rkke, on 29 Sept 2017 - 05:37 AM, said:
Following xx Be safe hey <3
I'm really trying but it's kind of hard to be safe when you have an eating disorder and rely on unsafe behaviours to cope with everyday life
Love the support tho, motivates me to at least try
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#94
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Posted 29 September 2017 - 06:42 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 29 Sept 2017 - 06:35 AM, said:
I'm really trying but it's kind of hard to be safe when you have an eating disorder and rely on unsafe behaviours to cope with everyday life
Love the support tho, motivates me to at least try
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The forever catch-22. I don't mean to be condescending or anything, I hope it wasn't taken that way - your BMI is so small it makes me worry. But right now I'm like relapse central so *huge hypocrite* alert lol.
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Posted 29 September 2017 - 06:53 AM
rkke, on 29 Sept 2017 - 06:42 AM, said:
The forever catch-22. I don't mean to be condescending or anything, I hope it wasn't taken that way - your BMI is so small it makes me worry. But right now I'm like relapse central so *huge hypocrite* alert lol.
No not condescending at all! I know my bmi is low objectively but I don't feel like I look my bmi lol
I get u with relapse central, a bit over 3 months ago I was 10kg heavier and still in treatment
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Posted 29 September 2017 - 02:18 PM
i read, but i'm creepy and hardly ever comment on people's personal threads... HELLO!
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Posted 29 September 2017 - 02:46 PM
Heathcliff, on 29 Sept 2017 - 2:18 PM, said:
i read, but i'm creepy and hardly ever comment on people's personal threads... HELLO!
Hahah, I love a good creepy lurker
Feel free to comment any time man, we can bond over our creepy tendencies
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#98
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Posted 29 September 2017 - 06:39 PM
I just wanted to say that you DEFINITELY look like your BMI is 13 or lower. I can see every bone in your body. You are seriously tiny af. I'm actually worried about you. Go easy on yourself baby doll. I don't want you to actually die.
Please don't be upset with me. :/
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Posted 29 September 2017 - 08:35 PM
ForestFairy, on 29 Sept 2017 - 6:39 PM, said:
I just wanted to say that you DEFINITELY look like your BMI is 13 or lower. I can see every bone in your body. You are seriously tiny af. I'm actually worried about you. Go easy on yourself baby doll. I don't want you to actually die.
Please don't be upset with me. :/
Of course I'm not mad at you
I am having a break today and tomorrow so I hope to feel better soon
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#100
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Posted 29 September 2017 - 08:38 PM
Like my parents aren't here and I'm just relaxing which is a massive change
I am probably going to try to only run for 2 hours later and I'm eating 920 calories so I'll end up with a 680 calorie deficit instead of the planned 800+ which stresses me out but I'm so tired and I want to rest
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Posted 09 October 2017 - 10:35 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 09 Oct 2017 - 6:59 PM, said:
Oh god I hope my maudseley person gives up soon, or escalates through their '3 steps of wonder' fast, thank you!Took a bit over 4 years for me to finally get there haha, good luck!
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#182
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Posted 09 October 2017 - 11:46 PM
My parents are getting more persistent about my eating, always accusing me of eating too little and I know I am but I'm doing my best to fool them
My brain has been so foggy despite never eating under 700 calories, usually close to 1,000 and I think it's because of over exercising
I have been putting off weighing myself because last time I did the number went up so I don't know how much I've lost, whether I've maintained or gained but I'm going to weigh myself Thursday morning I think
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#184
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Posted 10 October 2017 - 11:17 PM
Managed to get out of dinner because both of my parents are working late
I feel so tired and lethargic so I've only managed to walk instead of jog for a while and burned 280 calories so my deficit is 1,120 which is great
I feel really hungry/bingey but I'm fighting the urge, I haven't weighed myself in so long because I'm scared of the number :/ I thought I'd do it today and now I think I'll wait til later... maybe next week some time
I got a massage today and the lady said she didn't want to do it 'hard' (pressure wise) because she didn't want to 'hurt or break my bones' because I'm 'very skinny'
It was the first time someone out of my family has shown concern about my weight and I'm not sure how to feel
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#185
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Posted 11 October 2017 - 03:20 AM
Am I trying to maintain? Lose? Idk
Tomorrow I'm home all day with my dad doing work around the house and I will have to eat so much, at least 1,250 calories and I won't be able to exercise unless I do it at like 5am before everyone gets up but I literally have no energy and sleep is my only escape so when I can actually sleep I don't want to cut it short
So tomorrow will be the true maintainence test
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#186
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Posted 11 October 2017 - 06:19 PM
Not eating maintanence
Who called it? Meeeeee
640 - 780 calories probably today, 0 so far
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Posted 11 October 2017 - 06:25 PM
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Posted 11 October 2017 - 08:49 PM
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#189
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Posted 12 October 2017 - 03:03 AM
Ended up at 900 calories and 100 burned so -bmr and my deficit is 460
Tomorrow it'll be 1,100 calories in and hopefully I'll be able exercise more than today
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#190
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Posted 12 October 2017 - 03:03 AM
taako, on 11 Oct 2017 - 8:49 PM, said:
hi! hope it's okay to follow this. stay safe
Thanks and of course you can follow, the more the merrier
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#191
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Posted 12 October 2017 - 03:43 AM
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Previous accountability -->> https://www.myproana...t-loss-attempt/
Other previous accountability -->> https://www.myproana...accountability/
Height: 160cm or 5ft3
Hw: 60ish kg idk it was after my first recovery. High high end of healthy.
Lw: Approx 38kg. I don't like to talk about it.
Sw: 56kg or 123.5lbs = Bmi 21.9
Cw: 53.5kg or 117.9lbs = Bmi 20.9
Ignore this. I don't have a scale right now, so I don't know my current weight. Probably around 59kg or 130lbs at least.
~Gw1: 55kg or 121lbs~
Gw2: 52kg or 114.6lbs
Gw3: 50kg or 110.2lbs = 3rd gw + round numbers
*New nail polish*
Gw4: 47kg or 103.6lbs = Bmi 18.4
*New Mac lipstick*
Gw5: 45kg or 99.2lbs = Double digit lbs again
*New tights*
Gw6: 42kg or 92.6lbs
Gw7: 40kg or 88.2lbs = Last kg weight in 40's first listed lb weight in 80's
*3 new outfits*
Ugw: 39kg = Bmi 15.2 (Vaganova ballet academy weight requirement for my height) This weight will inevitably change.
*Reward for reaching ugw = Happiness*
#192
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Posted 12 October 2017 - 06:06 PM
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Posted 13 October 2017 - 02:23 PM
I don't know if it's all food weight because I haven't had a bm but wow that makes me never want to eat over 1,000 calories without overexercising again
I still had a 400 cal deficit because we walked heaps so I don't think I could have gained....
Today and tomorrow are going to be exactly the same because it's the weekend and my parents are on high alert
Also haven't had any caffeine because they're watching me like a hawk and I'm so lethargic ahhh
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Posted 13 October 2017 - 02:49 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 13 Oct 2017 - 2:45 PM, said:
I'm spending my morning doing pointless buzzfeed quizzes... can anyone relate?
i love buzzfeed quizzes hahaha
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Posted 13 October 2017 - 03:43 PM
Inneckdeep, on 13 Oct 2017 - 3:14 PM, said:
You look so good! Such small thighs
Why thank you
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Posted 14 October 2017 - 03:24 AM
If this doesn't scream 'has no life' I don't know what does
Almost $900 of unused credit because I never call anyone and have no life
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Posted 14 October 2017 - 03:28 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 14 Oct 2017 - 03:24 AM, said:
If this doesn't scream 'has no life' I don't know what does
Almost $900 of unused credit because I never call anyone and have no life
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relatable as fuck
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Posted 14 October 2017 - 03:29 AM
maybenottoday, on 14 Oct 2017 - 03:28 AM, said:
relatable as fuck
Together in our social isolation
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Posted 16 November 2017 - 01:12 PM
Hey there! I've been lurking for a few weeks now but I'm really happy to see you choosing to maintain!
With the holidays/cold weather coming up hopefully maintenance will be kinder to your mind and body than losing & running for hours like you've been doing for so long
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Posted 16 November 2017 - 01:17 PM
pescat23, on 16 Nov 2017 - 12:50 PM, said:
I was BMI 16-17 for a few years because my parents and ‘treatment team’ were forcing me to recover but now they don’t give a fucknew here, following. what did you do to get to a BMI of 16 several months ago if you don't mind me asking?
Before that my BMI was in the 20’s but I was like 11 or 12 years old so I don’t remember much about not being underweight even if only slightly at times
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Posted 16 November 2017 - 01:20 PM
Frozen-Mouflon, on 16 Nov 2017 - 1:12 PM, said:
Hey there! I've been lurking for a few weeks now but I'm really happy to see you choosing to maintain!
With the holidays/cold weather coming up hopefully maintenance will be kinder to your mind and body than losing & running for hours like you've been doing for so long
It’s coming into summer here hahahah
I live in Australia but thanks for the kind words and compassion, I love that you’ve stopped lurking and have decided to post because I literally spend my days checking my phone for notifications from this thread haha
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Posted 16 November 2017 - 01:29 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 16 Nov 2017 - 1:20 PM, said:
It’s coming into summer here hahahah
I live in Australia but thanks for the kind words and compassion, I love that you’ve stopped lurking and have decided to post because I literally spend my days checking my phone for notifications from this thread haha
I don't know much about Australia but I'm sure you'll need to save your energy for running from Magpies !!
And overall being kinder to your body will hopefully make you feel better in the long run
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Posted 16 November 2017 - 01:36 PM
Frozen-Mouflon, on 16 Nov 2017 - 1:29 PM, said:
Hahaha your pretty damn accurate about the magpies, it’s the end of spring at the moment and spring is the season they attack, I’ve been ‘swooped’ by a magpie on many occasionsI don't know much about Australia but I'm sure you'll need to save your energy for running from Magpies !!
And overall being kinder to your body will hopefully make you feel better in the long run
Also, right now I’m only planning on maintaining for three days and then probably going back to high restriction with 500ish calorie deficits Mon-Fri and maintaining on weekends because I want to be in the 12’s even if it’s 12.8 or 12.9 and that’ll take me a few weeks but I’m trying to be kinder to my body by not aiming for 800-1,000+ deficits every day like I was
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Posted 16 November 2017 - 01:48 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 16 Nov 2017 - 11:10 AM, said:
I’m probably not that interesting but my DM’s are always open to everyone
Ha, you are not interesting? The most exciting thing I have done this entire week was to learn how much farts weigh (don't ask me why or how, lol xD) I can just leave you a private message right now if you want
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Posted 16 November 2017 - 03:06 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 03 Oct 2017 - 3:48 PM, said:
Weighed myself at 37.8kg this morning, up by 0.5kg
It's impossible that I gained so I'm going to ignore it and weigh myself again tomorrow
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You keep talking about being lethargic and enervated so I think your BMR has probably gone down from 1260 and you are overestimating your deficits.
You look terrific by the way!
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Posted 16 November 2017 - 03:07 PM
ElsaXAnna, on 16 Nov 2017 - 1:48 PM, said:
I saw that on a different thread omg lolHa, you are not interesting? The most exciting thing I have done this entire week was to learn how much farts weigh (don't ask me why or how, lol xD) I can just leave you a private message right now if you want
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Posted 16 November 2017 - 03:13 PM
RachelBarton, on 16 Nov 2017 - 3:06 PM, said:
You keep talking about being lethargic and enervated so I think your BMR has probably gone down from 1260 and you are overestimating your deficits.
You look terrific by the way!
I count it as 1,000 now
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Posted 16 November 2017 - 03:21 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 28 Oct 2017 - 4:41 PM, said:
All u dudes who said water retention were 100% right
I’m 37.7kg, back to BMI 13.6 which makes me happy because 6 is my favourite number
I’m really dehydrated so my bones are sticking out more than usual but I like it
I’ll drink some water in a bit tho don’t worry
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I think you are so strong.
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Posted 16 November 2017 - 04:05 PM
smolish_, on 16 Nov 2017 - 3:07 PM, said:
I saw that on a different thread omg lol
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Really? Lol! XD I mean farts must weigh something, even if it is a negligible number, they do take up some space xD
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Posted 16 November 2017 - 04:38 PM
RachelBarton, on 16 Nov 2017 - 3:21 PM, said:
I absolutely love your bones and your waif-like look! You inspire me as I run too so I want to run more now and burn off the calories! kisses!
I don’t want to inspire anyone to do anything shittttttttttttt I just share my thoughts and life... be safe
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Posted 16 November 2017 - 04:46 PM
And I don’t want to ‘inspire’ anyone impressionable
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Posted 16 November 2017 - 05:13 PM
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Posted 17 November 2017 - 02:13 AM
Calories consumed: 1,070
Tdee: 1,520
Deficit: 450
I count that as success as a 400 calorie deficit is pretty much negligible
I felt sick and not at all like eating all day long (tmi I had a bit of diahhrea after lunch time
) but I’d told my mum we were spending the day together so I had to 🤷🏻♀️ I got my eyebrows done, a really bad massage and basically felt like utter shit all dayI usually have 3L-4L of Pepsi max and today I only had 1.25L so that’s probably good / better for my body
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Posted 17 November 2017 - 05:06 PM
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Posted 17 November 2017 - 06:46 PM
Breakfast (135): Uncle Toby’s oats instant sachet (35g) in the flavour golden syrup and made with water
Morning snack (75) Bulla Frozen Yoghurt bar in the flavour wild berry (it was a really hot day so these are nice and refreshing)
Lunch (165): Brioche bun (150) + Mushroom (4) and a slice of turkey (11)
Afternoon snack (75): Bulla Frozen Yoghurt again in the flavour mango this time
Dinner (380): Mainland Cheese and Crackers packet (110) + 2x Uncle Toby’s Oats instant sachets (2x35g) in the flavours creamy honey and brown sugar & cinnamon
Supper/dessert (240): Pint of Vanilla Halo Top
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Posted 18 November 2017 - 12:17 AM
Today’s totals:
Calories consumed: 1,070
Tdee: 1,970
Deficit: 900
So my weigh in in the morning triggered me but I plan on chilling completely tomorrow so day 3 of attempted maintenance will not be a fail like day 2
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Posted 18 November 2017 - 03:19 AM
Tomorrow I hope I can walk, let alone exercise shitttttt. I’m so glad my parents are sleeping rn (it’s 10pm) so I can get ice and elevate my legs in peace
I will have to be really careful tomorrow, if I can’t walk on my right foot my mum will notice and although they have told me they won’t ever make me go back into treatment I’ll get in deep shit and she’ll start limiting the time I can walk and be alone because she’ll know I’m over exercising again
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Posted 18 November 2017 - 04:22 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 18 Nov 2017 - 03:19 AM, said:
Omg! I hope nothing is broken... that would be the worst...keeping my fingers crossed for you, hope your leg will be ok...(Hugs)Everything hurts, I’ve don’t remember the last time I ran this long in a day, I’ve had to put ice and muscle relating gel on my feet and legs and the same gel all over my neck and shoulders. I also took painkillers and am now elevating my legs. I think I may have rebroken the stress fracture in my right foot that I got 2 years ago in one of my really bad relapses when I just exercised all day and ate around 500 calories everyday
Tomorrow I hope I can walk, let alone exercise shitttttt. I’m so glad my parents are sleeping rn (it’s 10pm) so I can get ice and elevate my legs in peace
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Posted 24 November 2017 - 03:20 AM
(toofatt), on 24 Nov 2017 - 01:51 AM, said:
Sorry I'm late but I wish you well on your journey to be thiner ! I aspire to be as controlled, I love your body but I know I shouldn't.
I don’t know how ‘controlled’ I am considering I’m maintaining a lot but thanks! Appreciate that you love my body, that made me smileeeeee
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Posted 24 November 2017 - 03:28 AM
hjenna, on 24 Nov 2017 - 03:17 AM, said:
I just hate to think I’m worsening other people’s disorders somehow but this is lovely to hear! Also on days where I don’t eat much I’m a zombie bitch which comes out harshly on the thread but we all have bad days so I’m not apologising to those ppl hehehehHey, i normally just lurk, but i know people finding as an inspiration isn't your favorite thing (at least that's the impression I've got from your posts). And while i find your body inspirational cause my mind is fucked, i read how hard it is for you to be this weight and how your family find the situation hard to navigate (not saying anything bad about your parents!! They really seem to try to do what's best for you). And i understand that a bmi that low comes with a cost, and it makes me want to eat a little more and listen more to my body.
What im trying to say is that for me you have a positive impact, and i find your thread to be a good inspiration to take care of my health. Dont let the other comments get you down.
I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself and I don’t mind if people see me as inspiration to lose or whatever as long as they don’t start using my horrible self destructive behaviour to get there because I know how shitty it feels and it makes me feel like a bad influence or something idk
Keep posting on my thread man, you seem nice and cool and like you could have some positive helpful advice and thoughts xx
Ps. Being this low on the bmi scale has fucked up my brain, my muscles are wasted and cramp 24/7, I can’t function and always feel extremely depressed and exhausted and I’m practically bald so yes, you got the right idea avoiding it
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Posted 24 November 2017 - 03:51 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 24 Nov 2017 - 03:28 AM, said:
Ah tnx man. I dont know about advise, i think you know this stuff better than me but I'll speak up if i have anything to say!!I just hate to think I’m worsening other people’s disorders somehow but this is lovely to hear! Also on days where I don’t eat much I’m a zombie bitch which comes out harshly on the thread but we all have bad days so I’m not apologising to those ppl heheheh
I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself and I don’t mind if people see me as inspiration to lose as long or whatever as they don’t start using my horrible self destructive behaviour to get there because I know how shitty it feels and it makes me feel like a bad influence or something idk
Keep posting on my thread man, you seem nice and cool and like you could have some positive helpful advice and thoughts xx
Ps. Being this low on the bmi scale has fucked up my brain, my muscles are wasted and cramp 24/7, I can’t function and always feel extremely depressed and exhausted and I’m practically bald so yes, you got the right idea avoiding it
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Posted 24 November 2017 - 05:49 PM
I’m coming down with a cold or something though and finding it hard to move around without everything getting all black and fuzzy vision, my ears are blocked and my nose is leaking and I’ve got a headache
so I’m just resting and looking after myself today probablyMy parents went out for lunch so I skipped though
I’ll try to make up for it later
The massage is in an hour, looking forward to it!!!
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Posted 24 November 2017 - 06:33 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 24 Nov 2017 - 03:18 AM, said:
Meant to go to a party tonight but turns out I pulled a muscle in my neck from looking down at my phone while I was walking for 5 hrs and I’m in so much pain ughhhh
I have heat rub on it and I booked a remedial massage for 12:30pm tomorrow
Spending the morning putting up decorations for Christmas and eating my heart out (abiding to my strict 1,100 calorie maintenance limit tomorrow though, of course) so that’ll be nice
Omg cautionary tale I never even thought about the possible problems of looking at my phone during a long workout...
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Posted 24 November 2017 - 09:36 PM
dyingdarling, on 24 Nov 2017 - 6:33 PM, said:
It’s because I do it all the time, pretty much every dayOmg cautionary tale I never even thought about the possible problems of looking at my phone during a long workout...
I have to see her once a week for the next few months because she said she’s never seen a neck that bad, and it’s apparently all through my shoulders as well....
Definitely be careful when exercising mannnnnn
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Posted 24 November 2017 - 10:14 PM
Today’s totals:
Calories consumed: 1,060
Tdee: 1,440
Deficit: 380
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Posted 24 November 2017 - 11:46 PM
Stay safe! So glad to hear you're maintaining!
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Posted 25 November 2017 - 01:04 AM
aw the fact that you are sticking with maintenance made me smile <3 all caught up with your thread now
and I feel you on the caffeine addiction
mines getting worse grr
I hope we both can get that under control in the future tho
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Posted 25 November 2017 - 01:50 AM
Hate myself so much lately
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Posted 25 November 2017 - 01:53 AM
Heisenbυrg, on 25 Nov 2017 - 01:04 AM, said:
aw the fact that you are sticking with maintenance made me smile <3 all caught up with your thread now
and I feel you on the caffeine addiction
mines getting worse grr
I hope we both can get that under control in the future tho
Yeah I have 4L of Pepsi max a day now gahhhh
Pray for us in the future when we run out of money or want to stop hahahaha
I’m glad you caught up with the thread I missed your comments
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Posted 25 November 2017 - 01:58 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 25 Nov 2017 - 01:53 AM, said:
Yeah I have 4L of Pepsi max a day now gahhhh
Pray for us in the future when we run out of money or want to stop hahahaha
I’m glad you caught up with the thread I missed your comments
haha yea I love my vanilla pepsi max!!
omg that will be the worst
although I'll probably run out of money soon due to my protein bar addiction lmao they are way too expensive
yea I catch up with threads all in one go because I feel weird just posting without going back and reading <3
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Posted 25 November 2017 - 02:07 AM
Heisenbυrg, on 25 Nov 2017 - 01:58 AM, said:
haha yea I love my vanilla pepsi max!!
omg that will be the worst
although I'll probably run out of money soon due to my protein bar addiction lmao they are way too expensive
yea I catch up with threads all in one go because I feel weird just posting without going back and reading <3
Makes senseee! I’ve never had a protein bar before but I see them literally everywhere
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Posted 25 November 2017 - 02:33 AM
I don’t think I can sleep until I eat something
May make some oats and bring my deficit to 380 instead of 500?
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Posted 25 November 2017 - 02:42 AM
yea oatmeal sounds good!!
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Posted 25 November 2017 - 02:54 AM
Heisenbυrg, on 25 Nov 2017 - 02:42 AM, said:
yea oatmeal sounds good!!
Done!
I just made them and am eating them nowwwwww
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Posted 25 November 2017 - 03:22 PM
Just not try to lose for oneeeee day
Like yesterday I just couldn’t let myself get to a 0 deficit, but today that’s fucking changing and I’ll go back to losing tomorrow
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Posted 26 November 2017 - 12:14 AM
Calories consumed: 1,030
Tdee: 1,040
Deficit: 10
All I did was chill with my family and stroll around Kmart for 30 minutes for Christmas decorations
Today was awesome and a complete success
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Posted 26 November 2017 - 12:23 AM
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Posted 26 November 2017 - 12:28 AM
dyingdarling, on 26 Nov 2017 - 12:23 AM, said:
Thanks so much!Yay, congrats on a good day!!
I just hate it because now my appetite has returned and gone crazy and I’m pretty damn hungry all the timeeee
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Posted 20 December 2017 - 10:12 PM
Calories consumed: 860
Tdee: 1,660
Deficit: 800
Tomorrow is my last day of restricting and exercising, and I’ll probably have a smaller deficit because my legs are really sore and I need to rest them desperately!
And then on Saturday I start TWO whole WEEKS of maintenance gahhhhh I’m so nervous and excited bahsgetzhamoe wish me luck bros
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Posted 20 December 2017 - 10:56 PM
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Posted 21 December 2017 - 12:04 AM
youdontfailtillyoustoptryi, on 20 Dec 2017 - 10:56 PM, said:
Yeah it is soo scary but I just keep reminding myself that after all the shitty self destructive stuff I’ve done, I deserve a break because life is too short to spend every day at war with yourselfJust started reading your thread yesterday. I felt like I needed to check in on you today. Glad to hear you'll be doing maintenance. That part kinda scares me once I reach goal.
If you ever do want to maintain, even for one day, you’ll probably regret it but it usually makes restricting easier the day after and your body would thank u for giving it a break
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Posted 21 December 2017 - 05:23 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 20 Dec 2017 - 10:12 PM, said:
Today’s totals: 21/12/17
Calories consumed: 860
Tdee: 1,660
Deficit: 800
Tomorrow is my last day of restricting and exercising, and I’ll probably have a smaller deficit because my legs are really sore and I need to rest them desperately!
And then on Saturday I start TWO whole WEEKS of maintenance gahhhhh I’m so nervous and excited bahsgetzhamoe wish me luck bros
yessss it's going to be amazing ) xxx
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Posted 21 December 2017 - 04:41 PM
I’m so excited for the spa weekend, exploring around the place we’re staying, taking photos at the beach, Christmas, presents, Boxing Day shopping, seeing family, New Years, my birthday etc! And I was kind of expecting to freak out but I’m just... not? And it feels weird to feel okay gah idk just everything is working out for once and I don’t know what to doooo but to feel awesome
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Posted 21 December 2017 - 06:31 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 21 Dec 2017 - 4:41 PM, said:
Had a 12 hour sleep and I feel so positive about maintaining, and just like life in general!
I’m so excited for the spa weekend, exploring around the place we’re staying, taking photos at the beach, Christmas, presents, Boxing Day shopping, seeing family, New Years, my birthday etc! And I was kind of expecting to freak out but I’m just... not? And it feels weird to feel okay gah idk just everything is working out for once and I don’t know what to doooo but to feel awesome
Love your optimism. Hold on to it
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Posted 21 December 2017 - 09:41 PM
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Posted 21 December 2017 - 09:59 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 21 Dec 2017 - 9:41 PM, said:
Okay so I’m losing some control of my left eye, it’s blurry and keeps closing wtf
Maybe getting some rest will help?
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Posted 21 December 2017 - 10:19 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 21 Dec 2017 - 9:41 PM, said:
Stress does that to me sometimes, like when I get very anxious about holidays going well, etc. ...or when cat hair gets in it lol. Hopefully it passes for you soon!Okay so I’m losing some control of my left eye, it’s blurry and keeps closing wtf
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Posted 21 December 2017 - 11:27 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 21 Dec 2017 - 10:51 PM, said:
Is it vacation jitters?GUYS IM BEYOND ANXIOUS ABOUT TOMORROW I WANT TO THROW UP OMG
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Edit: lol sorry I am just having intense vacation jitters. I am at the airport and downed two glasses of beer as fast as I could to feel okay about things haha...
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Posted 22 December 2017 - 12:41 AM
It's normal to feel anxious but try your hardest to hold on to your positivity and it'll be so worth it I promise!
Agh I'm so jealous I want a spa day
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Posted 22 December 2017 - 01:14 AM
frumpy cat, on 21 Dec 2017 - 11:27 PM, said:
Gahh hope your okay? Where are you off too?Is it vacation jitters?
Edit: lol sorry I am just having intense vacation jitters. I am at the airport and downed two glasses of beer as fast as I could to feel okay about things haha...
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Posted 22 December 2017 - 01:16 AM
maybenottoday, on 22 Dec 2017 - 12:41 AM, said:
I'm so so so proud of you and happy that you're excited for the holidays!!
It's normal to feel anxious but try your hardest to hold on to your positivity and it'll be so worth it I promise!
Agh I'm so jealous I want a spa day
I know I just had a massive panic attack though and I self harmed and called my friends sobbing like a mess and ahhhhh
I need to talk to someone in person and get a hug but the parents are out at a party all night and I’m such a disappointment because I always ruin their plans with my stupidity
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Posted 22 December 2017 - 02:43 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 22 Dec 2017 - 01:16 AM, said:
I know I just had a massive panic attack though and I self harmed and called my friends sobbing like a mess and ahhhhh
I need to talk to someone in person and get a hug but the parents are out at a party all night and I’m such a disappointment because I always ruin their plans with my stupidity
Oh sweetie I wish I was there to give you a hug! You're not a disappointment in any way. I'm glad that you talked to your friends, do they help at all?
Do you want my number maybe ? We can talk sometime if you want.
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Posted 22 December 2017 - 02:50 AM
I'm so proud of you love , enjoy the holidays <3 and I hope you feel better soon
can any of you friends see you right now??
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Posted 22 December 2017 - 03:43 AM
maybenottoday, on 22 Dec 2017 - 02:43 AM, said:
Oh sweetie I wish I was there to give you a hug! You're not a disappointment in any way. I'm glad that you talked to your friends, do they help at all?
Do you want my number maybe ? We can talk sometime if you want.
For the first time ever I calmed down and didn’t call mum and freak her out and I feel calm and chill, I just tend to go to extremes with my emotions and feelings lately and I hate it
I’d actually love your number dm me man! We should talk
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Posted 22 December 2017 - 03:45 AM
Heisenbυrg, on 22 Dec 2017 - 02:50 AM, said:
I'm so proud of you love , enjoy the holidays <3 and I hope you feel better soon
can any of you friends see you right now??
One of my friends offered to come over even though she’d have to drive for an hour and I turned her down but everyone I contacted was so kind it really touched me how much they wanted to help! It’s so lovely to know I can call them when I’m freaking out and that they care idk but I feel a lot better after 3 hours of crying and a bath
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Posted 22 December 2017 - 03:53 AM
Calories consumed: 580
Tdee: 1,580
Tdee: 1,000
Planned on a smaller deficit and to eat way more but it was my last day of restriction and my stomach was in knots so I just couldn’t
I’m nervous, excited and petrified for the next two weeks of maintenance, wish me luck dudes because I’m going to fucking need it
Hope all your Christmas / New Years times are awesome and you manage to enjoy the time you spend with friends or family because it’s one day a year/ a few days of the year that you’ll get to spend with family and get gifts and give out gifts, make memories and be merry and give yourself a gift! The gift of a small but fucking necessary break from your ED! That’s what I’m planning on doing because I’d rather look back and think about all the awesome memories I made and not how big my deficit was
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#960
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Posted 22 December 2017 - 04:53 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 22 Dec 2017 - 03:43 AM, said:
That's so good! I can relate so bad tbh ugh.For the first time ever I calmed down and didn’t call mum and freak her out and I feel calm and chill, I just tend to go to extremes with my emotions and feelings lately and I hate it
I’d actually love your number dm me man! We should talk
Sure thing!
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Posted 30 December 2017 - 11:41 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 30 Dec 2017 - 6:20 PM, said:
Parents were out til 12pm/lunch time and are pretty much out the rest of the night so I could have only eaten lunch and restricted and exercised all day but I chose to just... not? Like I could have eaten 230 calories and burned 830 through exercising all day and then end up losing 0.2kg but I just thought ‘why can’t I be happy and eat what I want and rest if everyone else can?’ And just ate anyway, like I ate for me rather than anyone else and it’s scary but also really empowering to just give myself a break and say, no you don’t need to take every opportunity to lose weight, losing 0.3kg a week rather than in 2 days is okay and you deserve to rest.
My main aim of today is to just relax and treat myself because for once I feel like I deserve it?
I’m gonna have a long bath, listen to rain sounds, shave my legs, do a face mask and then put some fake tan on and just chill, like I’ll exercise a bit but it’s not going to be past the point of exhaustion and I will continue to just EAT and not hate myself for it
YES! This makes me so happy!
Because you do deserve this so so much! Just try to hold on to these thoughts,
they are the important ones!
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#1082
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Posted 30 December 2017 - 11:43 PM
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#1083
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Posted 31 December 2017 - 12:14 AM
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Posted 31 December 2017 - 12:29 AM
huge_disappointment, on 30 Dec 2017 - 11:41 PM, said:
YES! This makes me so happy!
Because you do deserve this so so much! Just try to hold on to these thoughts,
they are the important ones!
lilacsinspring, on 30 Dec 2017 - 11:43 PM, said:
I’m proud of you for this!!!!!
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dyingdarling, on 31 Dec 2017 - 12:14 AM, said:
Hella proud of u!
You guys, I love you so so much!
#1085
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Posted 31 December 2017 - 12:36 AM
I’ve put myself through so much shit these past few years and I wanna start 2018 with a deficit a lot smaller than 480 and maybe 200 or even 0 (
) Like I’m just ready for my next year of life to be better and for once not ‘eating disorder better’ where I plan to lose X amount of kg, like regular person happy, with their New Year goals to ‘be happy’, ‘do more things I love’, ‘go on fun trips with friends and family’, ‘finish year 12’ and just LIVE. Ya know? Just actually live life to the fullest amount and take every opportunity I can to do that!And attempting maintenance for longer than just ‘2 weeks’ is the first step. I would love to stay between BMI 12.4 and 13.0 and look thin and feel thin than lose and end up dead or in hospital. So I’m going to try, to the fullest meaning of that word, to maintain as much as I can let myself in 2018
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#1086
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Posted 31 December 2017 - 03:31 AM
You can do it <3 Good luck babe and happy new year <3
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I have a youtube channel too!
subscribe if ya want
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How I long to see you be whole" - S'mores
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Posted 31 December 2017 - 07:01 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 31 Dec 2017 - 12:36 AM, said:
So I usually plan to spend 5-7 hours exercising and restrict at every opportunity, but I actually feel so ready to just... not?
I’ve put myself through so much shit these past few years and I wanna start 2018 with a deficit a lot smaller than 480 and maybe 200 or even 0 (
And attempting maintenance for longer than just ‘2 weeks’ is the first step. I would love to stay between BMI 12.4 and 13.0 and look thin and feel thin than lose and end up dead or in hospital. So I’m going to try, to the fullest meaning of that word, to maintain as much as I can let myself in 2018
I'm so happy for you
Your mind and you body deserve this so fuckin much, don't let yourself forget that. I'm rooting for you <3 You can do this!- AnorexicMindTrickery likes this
#1088
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Posted 31 December 2017 - 09:18 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 11 Sept 2017 - 12:53 AM, said:
* PLEASE DONT FOLLOW OR POST IF easily triggered *
Hey, I've reached an pretty low BMI in terms of numbers and I feel like I need to ramble and post pics and maybe even get some friends?
I weighed in at 38kg this morning (I'm 167cm) so my BMI is 13.7, soon to be 13.6 and so on until 13.0 (update from December 2017: I’ve reached BMI 12.4)
This is me about a week ago at BMI 13.9-14
This was me this morning, excuse the flower emojis haha
I'm 17 years old and basically can't function at school, my heart and liver hurt a lot and my parents haven't noticed a -9kg drop in my weight and neither have my friends really
This is me 3 months ago before I lost the weight at a BMI 16.8-17
I usually eat 600-760 calories Monday to Saturday and on Sunday I eat about 1,100 calories.
Every day I run for at least 3-4 hours so I get a defecit of 1,000 to 1,500 almost every day
This has changed a bit, I still eat around the same but I exercise about 2-2.5 hours because I'm really fucking tired all the time and I have to study cause I'm back at school (I live in Aus but I went on a lil holiday to America for 2 weeks and still lost 1kg which was very surprising)
I guess I'm just looking for support and to feel accountable for my body/life?
*had saraha and deleted it so if you ask questions on it I won’t reply*
Hey there! I can tell from the fact that you eat 1000cal on Sundays, that you’re probably very careful about your parents finding out about your ed.
So what do you usually do to avoid meals? On weekdays? And weekends? Also, are they aware of how much you exercise? Thanks!!
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#1089
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Posted 31 December 2017 - 12:41 PM
Pheoebewinterbottom, on 31 Dec 2017 - 09:18 AM, said:
Hey there! I can tell from the fact that you eat 1000cal on Sundays, that you’re probably very careful about your parents finding out about your ed.
So what do you usually do to avoid meals? On weekdays? And weekends? Also, are they aware of how much you exercise? Thanks!!
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I don’t do tips/tricks/advice and I’m actually eating maintenance (1,000+) every day now so this post is really old! Also my parents know about my ED and have for years they just gave up on trying to change me after 5 years so we can have a loving relationship
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#1090
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Posted 31 December 2017 - 12:47 PM
ShakyLittleLeaf, on 31 Dec 2017 - 07:01 AM, said:
I'm so happy for you
Thank you so much! Hope your 2018 is as awesome as it can be, you deserve it
Heisenbυrg, on 31 Dec 2017 - 03:31 AM, said:
You can do it <3 Good luck babe and happy new year <3
I hope you have a happy and safe 2018! Love you
#1091
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Posted 31 December 2017 - 02:34 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 31 Dec 2017 - 12:41 PM, said:
I don’t do tips/tricks/advice and I’m actually eating maintenance (1,000+) every day now so this post is really old! Also my parents know about my ED and have for years they just gave up on trying to change me after 5 years so we can have a loving relationship
Oh I’m really sorry! I should have checked the date you originally posted! I just went ahead and asked silly questions without reading the whole thread.
And I think it’s AMAZING that you’re eating 1000+ everyday and you sound very happy about it too! Keep up the great work!
I’m very sorry if my previous post was discouraging in anyway!
Please continue and thrive on your road of recovery!
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#1092
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Posted 31 December 2017 - 02:48 PM
Bad weigh in = anxiety + depression + ED thoughts = exercise + restriction + a lot of self hate and crying
If it was right, I somehow gained and I’m now: 34.5kg // BMI 12.6
Fun
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#1093
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Posted 31 December 2017 - 02:56 PM
Pheoebewinterbottom, on 31 Dec 2017 - 2:34 PM, said:
Yeah, no worries man, I just hate seeing others read my post and think ‘how does she do all this fucked up stuff, I gotta know so I can ruin my life too’ ya know? Like I just want the best of things for others, love and happiness and not to have an ED, and obviously if your on here you already do so not much of this is likely, due to the self destructive ED behaviours, but right now I’m striving to fight those behaviours and live a full life despite the disorder and I wish the same for you, or even better to recover and live a proper life!Oh I’m really sorry! I should have checked the date you originally posted! I just went ahead and asked silly questions without reading the whole thread.
And I think it’s AMAZING that you’re eating 1000+ everyday and you sound very happy about it too! Keep up the great work!
I’m very sorry if my previous post was discouraging in anyway!
Please continue and thrive on your road of recovery!
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Idk man I tend to ramble but I can assure you that you didn’t offend me
And regarding eating 1,000+, I’m trying to stick to it and thank you for the well wishes! Sending love and positive vibes your way in 2018 and beyond
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#1094
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Posted 31 December 2017 - 11:53 PM
Calories consumed: 980
Tdee: 1,780
Deficit: 800
Tomorrow (2nd) will be a deficit between 100 and 300 & my birthday (3rd) will be complete maintenance
7 hours and 20 minutes of exercise
Pain, self hatred and stress describes my first day of 2018 to a tee but I’m determined to make the next two days fun and not spent endlessly exercising as I have a friend infested party to prepare for and have and clean up after! And having a second one on Saturday with family so that’ll be awesome too
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#1095
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Lord Heisenburg
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Posted 01 January 2018 - 12:46 AM
I hope you have fun soon <3 also 7 hours of exercise ?? how is your tdee not higher?
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I have a youtube channel too!
subscribe if ya want
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"Heis,
You are you,
Perfection and goals,
How I long to see you be whole" - S'mores
#1096
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Posted 01 January 2018 - 01:02 AM
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Posted 01 January 2018 - 01:02 AM
Heisenbυrg, on 01 Jan 2018 - 12:46 AM, said:
I hope you have fun soon <3 also 7 hours of exercise ?? how is your tdee not higher?
I count jogging on the spot as -107 per hour and fast walking on the treadmill as the same
#1098
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Lord Heisenburg
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Posted 01 January 2018 - 01:03 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 01 Jan 2018 - 01:02 AM, said:
I count jogging on the spot as -107 per hour and fast walking on the treadmill as the same
ohhh I get it now haha thanks for clarifying
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I have a youtube channel too!
subscribe if ya want
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"Heis,
You are you,
Perfection and goals,
How I long to see you be whole" - S'mores
#1099
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Posted 01 January 2018 - 01:04 AM
maybenottoday, on 01 Jan 2018 - 01:02 AM, said:
DONT MAKE ME CRYSorry you had a bit of a roller coaster ride recently man , so proud of you every day though! Mwah x
Love you so much your my absolute favourite internet friend
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Posted 01 January 2018 - 01:04 AM
Heisenbυrg, on 01 Jan 2018 - 01:03 AM, said:
No worries broohhh I get it now haha thanks for clarifying
I always get scared I’m overestimating so I play it safe and my weight loss has been so over the place so o have no clue if it’s accurate
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Posted 15 January 2018 - 04:45 PM
Hi there. I am ALSO AUSSIE YAY! I really like your fashion sense, and am also wondering something that I am struggling to do...
Well, I'm trying to get down to my UGW of 36kg, but I don't think it will be possible without doing lots of exercise like you do (although maybe don't do as much as you do now, just focus on maintaining and try not to stress your body that much).
So question: How do you fit in the time to exercise? School takes up a lot of my time, and I'm banned from exercising until my period comes back, so I have to do it at night, which sucks. Thanks!
#1322
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Posted 15 January 2018 - 05:41 PM
FATAMY_00, on 15 Jan 2018 - 2:58 PM, said:
I’m sorry if you don’t like people asking questions but from a bmi of 17 to now , did you follow a certain calorie amount and exercise amount to lose or was it more just about reaching a certain deficit??
little_white_lie, on 15 Jan 2018 - 4:45 PM, said:
I DONT DO TIPS OR TRICKS WTFHi there. I am ALSO AUSSIE YAY! I really like your fashion sense, and am also wondering something that I am struggling to do...
Well, I'm trying to get down to my UGW of 36kg, but I don't think it will be possible without doing lots of exercise like you do (although maybe don't do as much as you do now, just focus on maintaining and try not to stress your body that much).
So question: How do you fit in the time to exercise? School takes up a lot of my time, and I'm banned from exercising until my period comes back, so I have to do it at night, which sucks. Thanks!
Sorry to be blunt, but if you’d stopped to read a word of my accountability before writing your lil message, you wouldn’t have posted it as I’ve made this quite clear throughout the whole thread that I don’t do that shit. But hey, ignorance is a disease. Hope you manage to get rid of yours soon.
Added a note to the front of my accountability to say I don’t give tips n tricks so I hope this doesn’t happen again
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#1323
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Posted 15 January 2018 - 09:40 PM
I wish I had some brilliant advice, but you are in a difficult position and I feel for you. And kinda can't believe that people are asking you for tips at this point...
Hang in there!
#1324
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Posted 15 January 2018 - 10:33 PM
Your thread is harrowing.
I'm sorry you're experiencing so many symptoms physically, I'm sure you must be exhausted.
You seem so sweet and have a great sense of humor (those stickers kill me). I hope you can find balance and figure out how to get yourself to a place of feeling better <3
#1325
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Posted 15 January 2018 - 11:57 PM
StrungOut, on 15 Jan 2018 - 9:40 PM, said:
That sucks that you'd have to commit to 40 days. I understand your reluctance.
I wish I had some brilliant advice, but you are in a difficult position and I feel for you. And kinda can't believe that people are asking you for tips at this point...
Hang in there!
Yeah that kinda threw me off for the morning, what the heck have I said that would cause those two people to think I give out tips? Makes no sense but eh
I’m tryna hang in but I’m just not ...coping really
starflake, on 15 Jan 2018 - 10:33 PM, said:
Your thread is harrowing.
I'm sorry you're experiencing so many symptoms physically, I'm sure you must be exhausted.
You seem so sweet and have a great sense of humor (those stickers kill me). I hope you can find balance and figure out how to get yourself to a place of feeling better <3
I’m beyond exhausted
Thanks for the compliment hehehe
I hope that too, very very much
#1326
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Posted 15 January 2018 - 11:57 PM
Calories consumed: 820
Tdee: 1,360
Deficit: 540
Tossed up between maintenance and restricting and back and forth a million times
Feel torn on what to do
I was so fucking exhausted by it that for hours I just laid in bed and cried
This left not a lot of time to exercise and I really wasn’t in the mood so I kept it to 3 and a half hours and will not do any more later, to make sure of that took sleeping tablets
ROLLERCOASTER of emotions: fear, self hate, but mainly just... done
#1327
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Posted 16 January 2018 - 12:36 AM
40 days is nothing compared to the shit that you've been through and CONTINUE to suffer each day. It takes time to start the healing process of the trauma that got you here. Don't let that number scare you. It's a drop in the bucket.
You've reached your UGW and learned what most everyone learns when they hit their UGW: not a shred happier, not a bit more at peace. Not that those were my goals, nor do I know yours. I wanted control, and I wanted to suffer, and in a strange way, I wanted to wear my sorrow as a billboard about as equally as I wanted to hide it.
It got me nowhere.
You can keep going as you are, and die. You can try something very different, and have a fucking good shot at happiness. I know what choice I want you to make, love. It's not the choice that your brain thinks you deserve, but I think the rest of us here see it so clearly.
You said you're done....be done. Fuck it all and sign it over for 40 days.
Sending love
xx
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#1329
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Posted 16 January 2018 - 06:26 AM
I just want to say I was afraid you'd not come back here due to the inconsequential people recently who asked you for tips/tricks how to lose wt and I was mortified they did that. Immature and inconsiderate would be kindly describing them and I'll leave it there. So sorry you had to deal with that.
Welcome to another day in the life and enjoy every moment <3. I hope you can be good to yourself today.
#1330
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Posted 16 January 2018 - 09:04 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 16 Jan 2018 - 02:32 AM, said:
Not helpful hun
Not even an option
Sorry in advance to be dense. Do you mean that 40 days IP is literally not an option (in which case, I misunderstood your previous post...oops), or it's not an option that you would consider?
(My brain is slow sometimes...sorry!)
Sending you lots of love from the other side of the world.
xx
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Posted 16 January 2018 - 10:58 AM
In-a-cloud, on 16 Jan 2018 - 06:26 AM, said:
I just want to say I was afraid you'd not come back here due to the inconsequential people recently who asked you for tips/tricks how to lose wt and I was mortified they did that. Immature and inconsiderate would be kindly describing them and I'll leave it there. So sorry you had to deal with that.
Welcome to another day in the life and enjoy every moment <3. I hope you can be good to yourself today.
I don’t suppose OP would leave their own accountability because of random comments. I have no idea why they asked how OP lost weight, it’s in the accountability? Day by day, just too lazy to read it through and want it summarised in a paragraph
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#1332
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Posted 16 January 2018 - 12:28 PM
5'2 / 158.5 cm
SW: 138 lbs / 63 kg (bmi 25.1)
CW: 102.9 lbs / 46.7 kg
LW: 98.54 lbs / 44.7 kg (bmi 17.8)132 lbs / 60 kg 121 lbs / 55 kg 110 lbs / 50 kg 99 lbs / 45 kg 88 lbs / 40 kg 77 lbs / 35 kg
~ accountability ~
~ selfie/body check dump ~
#1333
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Posted 16 January 2018 - 12:28 PM
WorriedMoon, on 16 Jan 2018 - 09:04 AM, said:
I’d never consider it and it’s a bit triggering to talk about because I’m petrified to think about it and the weight related consequences of it so I’d prefer if you didn’t tell me that me being so done with life must mean it’s IP time....Sorry in advance to be dense. Do you mean that 40 days IP is literally not an option (in which case, I misunderstood your previous post...oops), or it's not an option that you would consider?
(My brain is slow sometimes...sorry!)
Sending you lots of love from the other side of the world.
xx
I’m focusing on lowering deficits at the moment and would love support to get through this on my own terms with no IP mention/involvement, you know?
Sorry if I was blunt yesterday, I was in a lot of pain
I appreciate your love and clear compassion I’m just not interested in that so let’s not go there ok?
#1334
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Posted 16 January 2018 - 12:49 PM
In-a-cloud, on 16 Jan 2018 - 06:26 AM, said:
I just want to say I was afraid you'd not come back here due to the inconsequential people recently who asked you for tips/tricks how to lose wt and I was mortified they did that. Immature and inconsiderate would be kindly describing them and I'll leave it there. So sorry you had to deal with that.
Welcome to another day in the life and enjoy every moment <3. I hope you can be good to yourself today.
They’d obviously just clicked on my accountability, not read a word other than bmi 12 and somehow thought I’d tell them the magical Ana goddess secret of snapping your fingers to suddenly dropping 20kg
I thought being blunt was the best way to make it clear for them and all readers, I hope I wasn’t too harsh? It actually was a bit hard to come back because I was so shocked but I guess some people are just really desperate and I know how that felt in the early days of my ED before everything came crashing down so I’m just gonna move on
Thanks for understanding and being so damn lovely to leave this message, love you man
mypiranha, on 16 Jan 2018 - 10:58 AM, said:
I don’t suppose OP would leave their own accountability because of random comments. I have no idea why they asked how OP lost weight, it’s in the accountability? Day by day, just too lazy to read it through and want it summarised in a paragraph
Yeah, as I said in the reply above, I think they had just clicked on the link to my accountability, not read a word and just seen I was at a low weight and thought I’d tell them the magical Ana goddess secrets to losing weight fast but whatever, hopefully they’ll move on and learn their lesson somewhere other than this thread.
I haven’t seen u here in a while so I thought I’d just say hey, miss you, thanks for sticking around and that you’re input is appreciated
skinny.elle, on 16 Jan 2018 - 12:28 PM, said:
I just found your accountability. You're so incredibly small, I'm worried about you. You deserve all the best. ❤️
Thanks for this, sorry for worrying you, I guess being so open about how much I’m struggling must be hard to read...
Hope you stick around anyway, you seem lovely, supportive and like a beautiful human which is the hardest type of person to find and the best type of person to be around so I’d love it if you did stay
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#1335
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Posted 16 January 2018 - 02:23 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 15 Jan 2018 - 2:19 PM, said:
Replies
Spoiler
I’m gonna try that today, cutting off 2 hours from 6.5 to 4.5 because I’m scared of my weight going into the BMI 11’s...
I have to sign up for 40 days so it’s voluntary at the start but I can’t leave before the 6ish weeks ends and I don’t want to come out traumatised and 18kg heavier....
I’m so scared M
Am I happy? Or am I sad about it? I don’t know but like WHAT DO I DO NOWWW
I’ve got some serious thinking to do that’s for sure.
Thanks for the support, as per bloody usual you’re a legend and I love you so much man
I know love, it's probably the largest what the fuck happens now in this disease because it's like we're defying it? It just shows how strong we are I think.
Love you a shitton!
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#1336
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Posted 16 January 2018 - 02:29 PM
Artistically expressing how I feel about my saggy ol’ grandpa ass
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#1337
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Posted 16 January 2018 - 02:34 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 16 Jan 2018 - 12:28 PM, said:
I’d never consider it and it’s a bit triggering to talk about because I’m petrified to think about it and the weight related consequences of it so I’d prefer if you didn’t tell me that me being so done with life must mean it’s IP time....
I’m focusing on lowering deficits at the moment and would love support to get through this on my own terms with no IP mention/involvement, you know?
Sorry if I was blunt yesterday, I was in a lot of pain
I appreciate your love and clear compassion I’m just not interested in that so let’s not go there ok?
Thank you so much for clarifying...and I'm sorry that you were in pain yesterday. (Bluntness is a good thing...but not when it stems from pain).
I should be the one apologizing for not supporting you in a helpful way and for triggering you at all. I'm sorry. I won't bring it up again, and hopefully others will read this and know to stay away from it on your thread, too.
You're so strong and we care about you.
Sending love!
xx
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#1338
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Posted 16 January 2018 - 02:39 PM
omg that sticker holding up your buns, lol, ily. i read your accountability all the time. i hope you're having a better day today sweets <3
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#1339
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Posted 16 January 2018 - 02:44 PM
FATAMY_00 STATS:
SW: 58.6KG
CW: 49.KG
UGW: 34KG
GW'S:
50KG
47KG
45KG
42KG
40KG
38KG
36KG
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#1340
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Posted 16 January 2018 - 02:51 PM
FATAMY_00, on 16 Jan 2018 - 2:44 PM, said:
Do you have a Fitbit that works out your tdee/ deficit
I remembered reading a few posts back what you counted as burnt per hour , but can’t remember what you said (even though you probably won’t answer this)
She CLEARLY stated that she doesn't do tips/tricks and this is just a roundabout way of asking for them. If you think she won't answer it because the question bothers her, maybe you shouldn't ask it. If you think the answer is already in here, then look for it yourself rather than asking someone who is in a tough spot in life to spend her precious free time writing it out for you.
There are plenty of other threads about this.
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Lord Heisenburg
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Posted 19 January 2018 - 02:17 PM
aw happy that you were able to rest yesterday <3
btw you are always in my thoughts! if you want to message (text message) I can pm you my number and we can text <3
love you
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I have a youtube channel too!
subscribe if ya want
(going to upload videos soon!.. more ed content and random shit)
https://www.youtube....w_as=subscriber
"Heis,
You are you,
Perfection and goals,
How I long to see you be whole" - S'mores
#1422 Guest_ShakyLittleLeaf_*
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Posted 19 January 2018 - 05:26 PM
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#1423
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Posted 19 January 2018 - 05:49 PM
Hey, just sending you positive wishes. Hope today is better than the last <3
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#1424
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Posted 19 January 2018 - 06:09 PM
Thank you for being so open with us. Tbh, I've been maintaining around 16.5ish for a long time (years) and sometimes yearn to be in the 11/12's but the reality if it is coming through loud and clear.
Hang in there!
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#1425
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Posted 19 January 2018 - 10:04 PM
——————————
Thoughts
I feel so fake by not restricting and not constantly feeling like I’m going to die 24/7 is making me feel like I’m not sick enough to eat... like the scales were wrong or something just really shitty, low and depressed
Day 2 on complete rest and no exercise is bringing a lot of mental clarity which is kinda bad because I’m flooded with the urge to exercise and feel really guilty for resting but moving to the toilet and back and up and down the stairs is still so fucking hard that I know exercise wouldn’t even physically be a possible option right now. I think I may not have any muscle left and it’s like my bones and tendons getting me around now because it kills and my tendons feel like they’re gonna snap off every time I move because they’re so strained. I could really use a wheelchair at this point... I’ve to get my dad to carry me a few times recently when it gets too difficult
It’s weird because suddenly not spending all day avoiding people so I can exercise, exercising every day for 5-7 hours, leaves me with so much free time to just, not do things. Like, I can actually enjoy sitting on the couch with my family and not be antsy, planning when I can fit in more exercise or counting down the minutes until they leave so I can exercise
Yesterday was the first day in 3 years I didn’t wake up and exercise. It was the first day in 5 years that I didn’t exercise at all. Never once in these past 5 years have I spent a whole day just... resting. Been a long time since I let myself just... not.
Like, look at last Sat:
I woke up, exercised for 5 and a half hours and then another hour later on. During that same time this Saturday I’ve slept in, watched movies and fucking had a nice, stress free and relaxing day where my muscles aren’t screaming at me to rest
Also, I usually can’t ‘go to the toilet’ (
) unless I take laxatives. Well, for the first time in maybe 2 years? (I don’t know exactly, but a very long time) I had a solid, non-painful, non-stimulated bowel movement. This is so odd but as soon as I went over deficit territory and into surplus territory I managed to and it’s so stupid but I’m so fucking happy and if I could stop having to take laxatives to relieve myself, that would be amazing both financially and also putting any less stress on my organs would be good at this point——————————
Random pics
——————————
Replies
fuzzerella, on 19 Jan 2018 - 2:16 PM, said:
i see it as a HUGE accomplishment. a tally in your favor. feel proud sis <3 you're in my prayers
It’s so weird and I don’t know what to do with all this spare time, and it’s so hard to block out the thoughts that I’m not really sick and that the scales lied and I feel so fucking conflicted and overwhelmed
Heisenbυrg, on 19 Jan 2018 - 2:17 PM, said:
aw happy that you were able to rest yesterday <3
btw you are always in my thoughts! if you want to message (text message) I can pm you my number and we can text <3
love you
I’m not exercising anymore and I have all this spare time and my mind is just kind of attacking me with all these thoughts that I’m not actually sick and that I don’t deserve to rest (even though I can’t physically do anything else?) and eat and that what I see on the scale was wrong and that I’m actually really fat somehow and I just ahhhh I’m really overwhelmed and struggling
I’d love that! Message me your number? I promise I won’t text you too much hehehe
quote name="ShakyLittleLeaf" post="53481889" timestamp="1516407970"]Never hesitate to DM me if you have weight-gain specific vents/questions/support. Or any vents or question or support, really. I'm here for ya <3 (fair warning though, I'm in the USA so our time zones might be a bit wonky for chatting)[/quote]
Thank you so much, I messaged you and I will keep that in mind when I feel scared or don’t know something or need support. I just feel so conflicted and confused
but I have no choice and that’s what I keep telling myself because I really don’t want to die....I just, I need to stay motivated I guess and I could use some help with that
StrungOut, on 19 Jan 2018 - 6:09 PM, said:
Please stay strong!
Thank you for being so open with us. Tbh, I've been maintaining around 16.5ish for a long time (years) and sometimes yearn to be in the 11/12's but the reality if it is coming through loud and clear.
Also, I'm sorry to be a weirdo and keep talking about another member, but just in case this is reassuring/helpful Bugbear is 5'7 and around 34 kg (75 lbs) and 19 (maybe a little older now) so not quite your stats but her intake to maintain long term was around 1,400 with no exercise. She slowly lost on 1,200. Of course, everyone is different. But I think 1,200 is a great goal for tomorrow and longer if you can do it. If you were in a hospital right now they'd likely be giving you almost twice that!
Hang in there!
I’m struggling mentally but I’m on track
We have the same BMI but her height makes her metabolism different as I am 2 whole inches shorter so I know my bmr of 1,000 is accurate and would rather not compare myself to others
Also, if you don’t have her permission you may want to delete her stats as her age and weight and height are public for anyone to see and if she’s not posting them herself in her bio (she doesn’t) then she may want that to stay private
Ashara Dayne, on 19 Jan 2018 - 5:49 PM, said:
Hey, just sending you positive wishes. Hope today is better than the last <3
Physically better, mentally a fuckton worse, intake better, how I feel about that a whole lot worse
Really struggling but I’m 100% on track
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#1426
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Posted 19 January 2018 - 10:28 PM
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#1427 Guest_la petite mort_*
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Posted 19 January 2018 - 10:41 PM
just got home after a stressful and exhausting day and ALL of that was turned around once i caught up here and saw that you've been letting yourself rest and are feeling a little bit better. such a relieving and wonderful thing to come home to!! i can't imagine how hard it must be to not exercise for the first time in years and i'm so, so, SO proud of you. sending the biggest hugs your way <3
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#1428
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Lord Heisenburg
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Posted 19 January 2018 - 11:00 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 19 Jan 2018 - 10:04 PM, said:
Feeling so conflicted going from maintenance to gaining, I’m aiming for a surplus of 100 and starting 200 consistently from tomorrow
——————————
ThoughtsSpoiler
I feel so fake by not restricting and not constantly feeling like I’m going to die 24/7 is making me feel like I’m not sick enough to eat... like the scales were wrong or something just really shitty, low and depressed
Day 2 on complete rest and no exercise is bringing a lot of mental clarity which is kinda bad because I’m flooded with the urge to exercise and feel really guilty for resting but moving to the toilet and back and up and down the stairs is still so fucking hard that I know exercise wouldn’t even physically be a possible option right now. I think I may not have any muscle left and it’s like my bones and tendons getting me around now because it kills and my tendons feel like they’re gonna snap off every time I move because they’re so strained. I could really use a wheelchair at this point... I’ve to get my dad to carry me a few times recently when it gets too difficult
It’s weird because suddenly not spending all day avoiding people so I can exercise, exercising every day for 5-7 hours, leaves me with so much free time to just, not do things. Like, I can actually enjoy sitting on the couch with my family and not be antsy, planning when I can fit in more exercise or counting down the minutes until they leave so I can exercise
Yesterday was the first day in 3 years I didn’t wake up and exercise. It was the first day in 5 years that I didn’t exercise at all. Never once in these past 5 years have I spent a whole day just... resting. Been a long time since I let myself just... not.
Like, look at last Sat:
I woke up, exercised for 5 and a half hours and then another hour later on. During that same time this Saturday I’ve slept in, watched movies and fucking had a nice, stress free and relaxing day where my muscles aren’t screaming at me to rest
Also, I usually can’t ‘go to the toilet’ (
——————————
Random picsSpoiler
——————————
RepliesSpoiler
It’s so weird and I don’t know what to do with all this spare time, and it’s so hard to block out the thoughts that I’m not really sick and that the scales lied and I feel so fucking conflicted and overwhelmed
I’m not exercising anymore and I have all this spare time and my mind is just kind of attacking me with all these thoughts that I’m not actually sick and that I don’t deserve to rest (even though I can’t physically do anything else?) and eat and that what I see on the scale was wrong and that I’m actually really fat somehow and I just ahhhh I’m really overwhelmed and struggling
I’d love that! Message me your number? I promise I won’t text you too much hehehe
quote name="ShakyLittleLeaf" post="53481889" timestamp="1516407970"]Never hesitate to DM me if you have weight-gain specific vents/questions/support. Or any vents or question or support, really. I'm here for ya <3 (fair warning though, I'm in the USA so our time zones might be a bit wonky for chatting)[/quote]
Thank you so much, I messaged you and I will keep that in mind when I feel scared or don’t know something or need support. I just feel so conflicted and confused ♀ but I have no choice and that’s what I keep telling myself because I really don’t want to die....
I just, I need to stay motivated I guess and I could use some help with that
I’m struggling mentally but I’m on track
We have the same BMI but her height makes her metabolism different as I am 2 whole inches shorter so I know my bmr of 1,000 is accurate and would rather not compare myself to others
Also, if you don’t have her permission you may want to delete her stats as her age and weight and height are public for anyone to see and if she’s not posting them herself in her bio (she doesn’t) then she may want that to stay private
Physically better, mentally a fuckton worse, intake better, how I feel about that a whole lot worse
Really struggling but I’m 100% on track
im messaging you my number right now xx and shhhh you can message me as much as you want xx
I have a youtube channel too!
subscribe if ya want
(going to upload videos soon!.. more ed content and random shit)
https://www.youtube....w_as=subscriber
"Heis,
You are you,
Perfection and goals,
How I long to see you be whole" - S'mores
#1429 Guest_RemusLupin_*
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Posted 20 January 2018 - 12:16 AM
i feel a little bad about some of the comments i've left in your thread in the past. i may have had you confused with someone else who was a lot more excited about losing weight and being sick than you are, and i would not usually say such things to someone i know isn't on the same page. i shitpost on MPA when i'm drunk on the reg though, so.... apologies. i'm drunk right now, but in a rather different mental place so i wanna rave about my admiration for your will to live instead of projecting y own illness on you.
NOT THAT YOU WANT MY OPINION, so i'll put it behind a jump. everything from here on is positive and encouraging. you can avoid reading it if you're not sure about me, and look when you feel safe if you choose to.
first off, i think its badass that you're motivated in and of yourself to try to gain, or at least eat above maintenance. you're tough as shit, balls to the wall to WANT LIFE in the face of your disorder. that' a waaaayyyyyy bigger, harder step than (what seems like) most people can take when they're so consumed by their disorder. i'm not that consumed by restriction, but if my MFP numbers tell me i've gone over, i go into a low level panic. the fact that you even WANT to eat more than maintenance says a lot about you and where you are within your life. its a good place, as bad as it feels. you want to get better, don't forget that.
tat said, don't push yourself to eat more than you're comfortable with. let me rephrase that: push yourself to eat maintenance, or slightly over. an extra bite or two, a cookie in the middle of the night, whatever your cravey "grazing" looks like, let yourself do it once a day. it adds up fast, and it also can satisfy equally quickly. next thing you know, you might be feeling safer, better, more alive and present and able to make good decisions by your own will power. think of it less like MAKING UPWARD PROGRESS, and more like DOING DAMAGE CONTROL. any decrease in damage you to to your body in a single day is a great thing and a huge victory. especially when you're so small and such small numbers of calories in or out can make such a big difference. maybe that single 8oz of yogurt (or cracker or cookie or bite of vegetables) is what kept you alive today. if you can take *2* more bites tomorrow, you're already ahead.
you ae so much stronger than i am in the face of your disorder. the fact that you're still alive and have the desire to get better is proof and your attitude seems really healthy. so does your level of self-awareness. i keep reading your thread because you encourage me to fight my own psychological battles, ED related or not. i know a lot of people follow others on here as a sort f competition or a dare to get sicker, and that has always seemed off-putting to me. it makes ME feel good to see people like YOU willing yourself to survive and get better without any professional help.
i hope to fuck the trolls bug out of your thread, and i hope to fuck you get some kind of meaningful intervention soon. you're one of the top users of this site who i believe deserve help and recovery. i would never EVER do such a thing (its 110% outside of my personal moral/ethical code to do such a thing so don't worry that i might), and i don't know where you live or how thing work where you live, but my animal instincts say to report your IP address to the cops and be like "yo, this woman needs and wants medical attention immediately and she is not receiving it". the second a professional looks at you, they MUST see that you need assistance! it bothers me so deeply that you have been seeking help and being denied it. my maternal instincts are fluttering to life and i want to cook you all the safe foods i can, drink protein shake with you, sit around and watch movies with you, anything to help you feel safe and enabled and calm. i want you to sleep peacefully like the kitties i'm abut to post and when you wake up, i'd ask if you would like SWEET OR SAVORY? and i'd cook you up a little bowl of food, just enough to fix you up a little and make you feel safe and present and "able".
i so hope this is not creepy. i don't get invested in many MPA people's lives, but just know that i'm watching your thread, i care that you live, i care that you get better, and i care that your find peace and contentment. empathy is a rare thing for me and i value anyone that can evoke it within me.
please tell me to fuck off if any of this bothers you, and i will absolutely not comment again.
in order to show my good intent, here are some sleepy poopers to warm your mood. i hope you like cats:
#1430
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Posted 20 January 2018 - 12:41 AM
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#1431
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Posted 20 January 2018 - 03:54 AM
Calories consumed: 1,110
Tdee: 1,010
Surplus: 100
——————————
Fuck man, today has felt like it lasted a week. I feel absolutely shit and really disgusting. I only ate 100 extra calories yet I feel completely on edge. My mind has been firing off like mad, I think the extra nutrition is freaking out my body? I don’t know but I’m still quite tired physically and it hurts to move around too much but I’m improving and don’t feel like I’m on deaths door. My left half of face under my eye covering my cheek and a bit more has lost most of its feeling and is just tingly and droopy... I don’t know if it’s because my cheek muscle has given up or something but goddamn it’s annoying and makes it really to focus because the tingling just constantly niggles at me and kinda hurts
The nourishment has activated my brain and awareness which is good in theory, but in reality it leaves me paralysed in a prison of overwhelmingly strong thoughts and urges. Not acting upon those has been utter torture and the impulse to kill myself was very prevalent at times
I feel so conflicted and like I’ve locked myself in a prison where I’m my own body guard, I can barely move around and all I want to do is escape my prison, but the prison is my body and my mind is the captive? I have no idea if that makes sense but it’s the best metaphor I could think of
——————————
Breakfast: 135 calories total
Uncle Toby’s Classic Vanilla Oatmeal (135 calories for 35g)
Lunch: 225 calories total
Tuna in Spring Water (68 calories for 95g)
Brioche Roll (150 calories for 50g)
Lettuce leaves and tomato slices (7 calories)
Afternoon snack: 75 calories total
Wildberry Bulla Frozen Yoghurt (75 calories for 59g)
Dinner: 395 calories total
Slow Cooked Lamb Ragu
Wholemeal Pappardelle (325 calories for 350g)
Slice of Light Cheese (70 calories for 21g)
Night snack: 270 calories total
Uncle Toby’s Tripple Berry Oatmeal and Uncle Toby’s Strawberry Oatmeal (270 calories for 70g of oats)
———————————
Replies
StrungOut, on 19 Jan 2018 - 10:28 PM, said:
No worries, just like to make sure! As much as I’d love to hear her story and how she’s going gaining and stuff I’d rather you message me! Could you?You are totally right. I deleted it...she talks about her stats on her accountability/signature but I shouldn't go around listing them. Sorry! (Was just trying to provide reassuring evidence that you have a good intake plan since I've never gone below 13 myself and I'm kinda tall so nothing is applicable and I've never "run" into anyone else in the 11's.)
la petite mort, on 19 Jan 2018 - 10:41 PM, said:
It’s really hard to adjust to, my brain is so over active at the moment and I feel like the better my body feels the worse my mind gets and it’s really really overwhelming and I feel like I want to crawl out of my skinjust got home after a stressful and exhausting day and ALL of that was turned around once i caught up here and saw that you've been letting yourself rest and are feeling a little bit better. such a relieving and wonderful thing to come home to!! i can't imagine how hard it must be to not exercise for the first time in years and i'm so, so, SO proud of you. sending the biggest hugs your way <3
At least I still achieved a surplus despite wanting nothing more than to pull the covers over my head and scream and give up all noon, afternoon and night
But yeah, I did rest and eat but I feel like a disgusting sub human... thing because of it...
Your support and love is amazing and I’m sorry to bring down your happy mood, I just can’t cope with my feelings at the moment and they’re just tumbling out of me right now
LichenLycan, on 20 Jan 2018 - 12:16 AM, said:
I feel really uncomfortable with half your message and really happy and grateful with the other...i feel a little bad about some of the comments i've left in your thread in the past. i may have had you confused with someone else who was a lot more excited about losing weight and being sick than you are, and i would not usually say such things to someone i know isn't on the same page. i shitpost on MPA when i'm drunk on the reg though, so.... apologies. i'm drunk right now, but in a rather different mental place so i wanna rave about my admiration for your will to live instead of projecting my own illness on you.
NOT THAT YOU WANT MY OPINION, so i'll put it behind a jump. everything from here on is positive and encouraging. you can avoid reading it if you're not sure about me, and look when you feel safe if you choose to
first off, i think its badass that you're motivated in and of yourself to try to gain, or at least eat above maintenance. you're tough as shit, balls to the wall to WANT LIFE in the face of your disorder. that' a waaaayyyyyy bigger, harder step than (what seems like) most people can take when they're so consumed by their disorder. i'm not that consumed by restriction, but if my MFP numbers tell me i've gone over, i go into a low level panic. the fact that you even WANT to eat more than maintenance says a lot about you and where you are within your life. its a good place, as bad as it feels. you want to get better, don't forget that.
tat said, don't push yourself to eat more than you're comfortable with. let me rephrase that: push yourself to eat maintenance, or slightly over. an extra bite or two, a cookie in the middle of the night, whatever your cravey "grazing" looks like, let yourself do it once a day. it adds up fast, and it also can satisfy equally quickly. next thing you know, you might be feeling safer, better, more alive and present and able to make good decisions by your own will power. think of it less like MAKING UPWARD PROGRESS, and more like DOING DAMAGE CONTROL. any decrease in damage you to to your body in a single day is a great thing and a huge victory. especially when you're so small and such small numbers of calories in or out can make such a big difference. maybe that single 8oz of yogurt (or cracker or cookie or bite of vegetables) is what kept you alive today. if you can take *2* more bites tomorrow, you're already ahead.
you ae so much stronger than i am in the face of your disorder. the fact that you're still alive and have the desire to get better is proof and your attitude seems really healthy. so does your level of self-awareness. i keep reading your thread because you encourage me to fight my own psychological battles, ED related or not. i know a lot of people follow others on here as a sort f competition or a dare to get sicker, and that has always seemed off-putting to me. it makes ME feel good to see people like YOU willing yourself to survive and get better without any professional help.
i hope to fuck the trolls bug out of your thread, and i hope to fuck you get some kind of meaningful intervention soon. you're one of the top users of this site who i believe deserve help and recovery. i would never EVER do such a thing (its 110% outside of my personal moral/ethical code to do such a thing so don't worry that i might), and i don't know where you live or how thing work where you live, but my animal instincts say to report your IP address to the cops and be like "yo, this woman needs and wants medical attention immediately and she is not receiving it". the second a professional looks at you, they MUST see that you need assistance! it bothers me so deeply that you have been seeking help and being denied it. my maternal instincts are fluttering to life and i want to cook you all the safe foods i can, drink protein shake with you, sit around and watch movies with you, anything to help you feel safe and enabled and calm. i want you to sleep peacefully like the kitties i'm abut to post and when you wake up, i'd ask if you would like SWEET OR SAVORY? and i'd cook you up a little bowl of food, just enough to fix you up a little and make you feel safe and present and "able".
i so hope this is not creepy. i don't get invested in many MPA people's lives, but just know that i'm watching your thread, i care that you live, i care that you get better, and i care that your find peace and contentment. empathy is a rare thing for me and i value anyone that can evoke it within me.
please tell me to fuck off if any of this bothers you, and i will absolutely not comment again
in order to show my good intent, here are some sleepy poopers to warm your mood. i hope you like cats:
Saying you want to cook me food and that I should take random bites of food and stuff I dunno it just doesn’t sit well with me as I’d never let anyone cook me anything in real life, let alone strangers.
Also saying you’d send medical attention to me after stalking me and getting my IP address makes me feel unsafe and I specifically DON’T WANT MEDICAL ATTENTION OR PROFFESSIONALS TO BE INVOLVED AT ALL! That’s like, the opposite of what I want, I want to do this on my own terms in my own home with my own food, you know?
And reminding me of my numbers and saying that going over would send you into a panic. Made me feel really upset and then following that by saying that I don’t need to ‘push yourself to eat more than you're comfortable with.’ When that’s exactly what I have to be and AM doing makes me feel like I shouldn’t have increased...
But then you’re so lovely in other parts and so supportive and sweet and the fact you got invested and care that an internet stranger get better, and want me to find peace and contentment and live a happy life is beautiful and really what I need at the moment
And yeah, fuck the trolls
But, if you’re up for criticism and want to stick around think your influence on my thread should be less advice based and more support and motivation based because that part was lovely to read
Can you leave the photos in a spoiler too next time because wowowowow those cats are delightfully adorable but that was a lot haha
lilacsinspring, on 20 Jan 2018 - 12:41 AM, said:
God this message was well needed and well appreciated because at the moment I feel quite... low and have bucket loads of self loathing and anxiety washing over mePlease see the amount of strength you have to push through the harmful and wrong disordered thoughts you are having. You deserve to rest, eat, enjoy your life. You need to be here!!!! I’ve told you before!!! You’ve got such a long life ahead of you, the thoughts are scary and they will be but you are stronger!!! And soon you will be past this and will be happy you made it out alive and well. Please try and be safe and nourish your body, it needs you too
I did stay safe and nourish my body despite every fibre of my being screaming at me to do the opposite. To punish myself for even thinking I deserve to eat. But I did it because well... I don’t want to die and only yesterday I felt like I was only millimeters away from it
You seem so lovely and comforting, I would love nothing more than to curl up into a ball on your lap and be patted or hugged or comforted but even through the internet I get a warmth and tingly feelings of safety from you which is so nice
Love you so much man
EVERYONES SUPPORT HAS ALWAYS BEEN AMAZING but over the last few days it’s been unbelievable and I just want to say that I read, process and appreciate every single word and punctuation,this community of beautiful supportive people grew unexpectedly but has ultimately saved me in more ways than one and I can’t tell you what it means to me that YOU care about a lonely, suicidal and pathetic stranger on the other side of the internet and world. You guys are insane and I love every single one of you
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#1432
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Posted 20 January 2018 - 04:22 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 19 Jan 2018 - 2:04 PM, said:
You’re so sweet and lovely and I was a complete bitch to you and I just want to make it clear that I’m sorry and that kind of behaviour or response shouldn’t have happened no matter my BMI.
Human decency is still a factor, you know? So yeah, sorry again
I get now that I’ve eaten and actually maintained a 0 deficit so my brain is semi-functional that you were simply trying to provide the help that I was literally asking and begging people for, I just got really upset when I saw that the intake numbers were so low and felt a bit guilty for eating so much but that’s not a reflection of you and I shouldn’t of taken it out on you
I’m glad your sticking around despite my flaws and mistakes and are such a beautiful and forgiving person, your support is very much appreciated and same goes to you message-wise, my messages are always open and I always reply and despite my past harshness, I’m actually a big softie who loves talking and helping others through their issues so feel free to message me to say hi, to rant or to get advice. Anything, any time! I’d love to reciprocate some of the amazing support you’ve shown me and same goes to everyone else on my thread
It's alright, darling, and I appreciate your apology.
Anyway, have you noticed any change in weight today? I can see your intake has been really good these days, keep it going ~
#1433
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Posted 20 January 2018 - 04:33 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 19 Jan 2018 - 2:04 PM, said:
You’re so sweet and lovely and I was a complete bitch to you and I just want to make it clear that I’m sorry and that kind of behaviour or response shouldn’t have happened no matter my BMI.
Human decency is still a factor, you know? So yeah, sorry again
I get now that I’ve eaten and actually maintained a 0 deficit so my brain is semi-functional that you were simply trying to provide the help that I was literally asking and begging people for, I just got really upset when I saw that the intake numbers were so low and felt a bit guilty for eating so much but that’s not a reflection of you and I shouldn’t of taken it out on you
I’m glad your sticking around despite my flaws and mistakes and are such a beautiful and forgiving person, your support is very much appreciated and same goes to you message-wise, my messages are always open and I always reply and despite my past harshness, I’m actually a big softie who loves talking and helping others through their issues so feel free to message me to say hi, to rant or to get advice. Anything, any time! I’d love to reciprocate some of the amazing support you’ve shown me and same goes to everyone else on my thread
It's alright, darling, and I appreciate your apology.
Anyway, have you noticed any change in weight today? I can see your intake has been really good these days, keep it going ~
#1434
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Posted 20 January 2018 - 05:28 AM
. Keep going forward ... you've got this and I believe in you.#1435 Guest_Consolation_*
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Posted 20 January 2018 - 05:40 AM
I hope you remember me, I started to follow you a few weeks ago and wasn´t able to comment that much because of my own depression (and right now I have the flu, ugh, it´s horrible :/ so sorry in advance if my post doesn´t make sense, my brain´s not functioning properly right now)
Anyway - I just wanted to let you know that I keep following and reading your accountability and that I am SO SO PROUD OF YOU!
Not many people that deep into their ED would have the courage to do what you are doing - i.e. stand up and fight for your life, confronting the ED! It isn´t easy, on the contrary: it´s an exhausting battle and in the beginning it´s hell. But nonetheless it is the right thing and I want you to know you are doing the right thing and should be proud of yourself as well!
Please let me know if there´s anything I can do to support you on your way! E.g., if your destructive thoughts are getting too loud and you need help to escape them or you need another kind of advice, I am here for you!
And btw, I also think your fashion taste is awesome! And I don´t say that a lot; in fact I secretly think that most people´s taste is horrible when it comes to fashion 
But I really really like your style! It is classic and elegant but at the same time not boring or "old-looking"; but a little playful.
You are a wonderful person and deserve so much love, support and help! From yourself as well as from the people who care about you (like us)!
<33
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#1436
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Posted 20 January 2018 - 06:05 AM
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#1437
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Advanced Warrior
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Posted 20 January 2018 - 06:05 AM
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#1438
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Posted 20 January 2018 - 06:05 AM
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#1439
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Posted 20 January 2018 - 06:06 AM
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Posted 23 January 2018 - 03:57 PM
You are the definition of incredible!
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#1502
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Posted 24 January 2018 - 03:28 AM
Calories consumed: 1,140
Tdee: 1,140
Maintenance
—————————
So yeah.... managed to make myself maintain and not restrict at least, just was really put off by this morning that I pushed myself to exercise
Was a pretty good day actually, I felt really energised and positive! I will probably be gaining again for 5 more days, maintaining during and then gain every weekend so I’ll still be gaining over time, just less rapidly as seeing that 0.7kg on the scale all at once fucked me up
But yes, gaining for a while, still have 1.5kg to go til I get back to the safety of the 12’s and out of the 11 danger zone
—————————
Oatmeal pic
—————————
Reply
ZannaTries, on 23 Jan 2018 - 3:57 PM, said:
Welcome to the familyI've been reading your thread for the past few days, and just wanted to tell you that you have yet another person rooting for you. Truly, even if you don't always see it, you have indescribable strength and courage. Maybe it doesn't mean much coming from a complete stranger, but I am so, so in awe and proud of you. And I believe in you - you can do this.
You are the definition of incredible!
Hearing this makes me feel so moved, I’m feeling stronger every day and it’s actually motivating me to keep going! I need to be better for school time, even if only marginally and your support in this means the world
Thank you so much for the beautiful message and I really hope you stick around
the world needs more caring, kind and generous people like you - In-a-cloud and maybenottoday like this
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#1503
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Posted 24 January 2018 - 04:47 AM
I'm happy my suggestions could help you, any time <3
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#1504
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Posted 24 January 2018 - 10:15 AM
When I first started reading this thread I was so scared for you (everything scares me so don't you dare feel responsible for that...in no way did I mean it like that)
and then when we began to comment back and forth a little I realized that you are strong, so very full of life and zest and this wonderful will to live and I just have fallen so much in love with that spirit which lives inside of you keeping you going forward.
It sounds very lame coming out of my mouth that I am so proud of you because probably many are saying those same words to you. Unfortunately though words are inadequate to say how moved I am by your efforts to remain alive.
I love life too...I've been to hell and came back from it basically and you'd think nothing would scare me but hahaha yeah I'm a wimp but I embrace life so hard right now and I just feel so good knowing that you do too.
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#1505
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Posted 24 January 2018 - 02:34 PM
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HW: 198 (20/05/20) LW: ~120-125 CW: 186 (06/06/20)
GW1: 185
GW2: 180
GW3: 175
GW4: 170
GW5: 165
GW6: 160
UGW: 130
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#1506
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Posted 24 January 2018 - 02:38 PM
❤❤
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HW: 198 (20/05/20) LW: ~120-125 CW: 186 (06/06/20)
GW1: 185
GW2: 180
GW3: 175
GW4: 170
GW5: 165
GW6: 160
UGW: 130
Control Freak Club - personal accountability: https://www.myproana...-accountability
#1507
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Posted 24 January 2018 - 04:19 PM
one day at a time, and I'm really happy to hear that you're feeling so positive!I just finished my own oatmeal, so I had to smile at your picture
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#1508 Guest_Vitrola_*
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Posted 24 January 2018 - 04:22 PM
Ive been following your accountability for a while now but never posted anything... but now i cant help myself
im so proud of you! really! i can see how strong you are, because of all the struggles that you have, this horrible monster that is having an ED you are still fighting for your life.
stay strong! you are doing great!
send you a lot of hugs honey
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#1509
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Posted 24 January 2018 - 11:20 PM
just subbed after repeat lurking[: hope that you will come to a point where you can be satisfied with how you maintain and that you'll be healthy enough to enjoy the kind of life you want. thank you for having the courage to share with those of us who are also in some shade of this!
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#1510
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Posted 25 January 2018 - 01:36 AM
Calories consumed: 820
Tdee: 1,200
Deficit: 380
—————————
Weighed in at 31.1kg // BMI 11.4
Some of the weight from yesterday must have been bloat or something, but from FOUR days of 100-200 calorie surpluses I’ve managed to gain 0.5kg so maybe my metabolism is going more fucked up than I thought and my bmr is like 200
I’m liking the mental clarity, the fact I can focus and hold conversations, walk around and pretty much all the physical near death symptoms have gone (apart from that stress-face-partial numbness/twitching thing)
I feel so good in the health department that I shouldn’t be complaining at all, I think I’m failing at gaining more because of the quick gain, and the fact I’m kind of being forced makes me sneakily add less of food or hide it etc. so I don’t have a surplus and then the exercise started again because I feel so energised from all the consecutive days consuming 1,100-1,200 calories
My thread is laggy so I only just got your replies! My stupid insecure brain was thinking everyone stopped commenting because they couldn’t relate because I’m gaining while everyone is losing aaah paranoia, fuck off
You guys’ comments are the HIGHLIGHT of my day and I LOVE YOU ALL
I decided that tomorrow plans involve resting and eat enough that the deficit I accumulated today is made up for, making tomorrow a major over surplus gaining day
—————————
Photos
https://uploads.tapa...fbf30d9bd5b.jpg
https://uploads.tapa...846f09aca90.jpg
https://uploads.tapa...8a83c87d66a.jpg
https://uploads.tapa...8ad094a3af0.jpg
I finally don’t feel fat so that’s why I’m posting more pics
—————————
Current weight: 31.1kg // BMI 11.4
GW2: 32.7kg // BMI 12.0
Kg to GW2: 1.6kg
UGW: 34.1kg // BMI 12.5
Kg to UGW: 3kg
—————————
Replies
witchhaus, on 24 Jan 2018 - 11:20 PM, said:
Wow! That’s so cool that you can relate, tell me what your doing? I love you for this message man you’re so beautiful and yeS that is all I fucking want!just subbed after repeat lurking[: hope that you will come to a point where you can be satisfied with how you maintain and that you'll be healthy enough to enjoy the kind of life you want. thank you for having the courage to share with those of us who are also in some shade of this!
your support means the world 
Vitrola, on 24 Jan 2018 - 4:22 PM, said:
You’re an absolute QUEENIve been following your accountability for a while now but never posted anything... but now i cant help myself
im so proud of you! really! i can see how strong you are, because of all the struggles that you have, this horrible monster that is having an ED you are still fighting for your life.
stay strong! you are doing great!
send you a lot of hugs honey
comment to your hearts extent man! Your pride and hugs are so goddamn appreciated, undeserved but appreciated! Your support is amazing and I send you a trillion hugs back ZannaTries, on 24 Jan 2018 - 4:19 PM, said:
Ooh Oatmeal buddies! One day at a time is so right and I struggled today but tomorrow is a new day and I’ll be back on track I hopeAwesome job on maintenance even though you had a rough morning! You're doing great
I just finished my own oatmeal, so I had to smile at your picture
thank you for your support in me and the beautiful BEAUTIFUL message Forever-hoping, on 24 Jan 2018 - 2:34 PM, said:
Pretty damn good, my mood has been sky high lately and I absolutely love the mental clarity! I can finally be articulate with what I say and move around more seamlessly with every passing hour! Thanks for checking in, I’m ‘Forever-hoping’ I’ll see a notification from you because you’re so fucking lovely, supportive and compassionate! How are you generally? SO MUCH LOVEWell done for maintenence day. How do you feel generally? Much love and I'm so proud xx
In-a-cloud, on 24 Jan 2018 - 10:15 AM, said:
Fuck YOURE GONNA MAKE ME CRY! You’re words captured my heart I absolutely love, adore and fucking don’t deserve you! I wish you’d never had to have gone to hell and back but now that you have, I hope you are prospering because you fucking deserve it! Let’s live TOGETHERWhen I first started reading this thread I was so scared for you (everything scares me so don't you dare feel responsible for that...in no way did I mean it like that)
and then when we began to comment back and forth a little I realized that you are strong, so very full of life and zest and this wonderful will to live and I just have fallen so much in love with that spirit which lives inside of you keeping you going forward.
It sounds very lame coming out of my mouth that I am so proud of you because probably many are saying those same words to you. Unfortunately though words are inadequate to say how moved I am by your efforts to remain alive.
I love life too...I've been to hell and came back from it basically and you'd think nothing would scare me but hahaha yeah I'm a wimp but I embrace life so hard right now and I just feel so good knowing that you do too.
love you so endlessly it’s ridiculousI feel like I’m ‘in-a-cloud’ after every single message you send, you’re a bloody angel
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#1511
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Omniscient
Posted 25 January 2018 - 04:14 AM
I want to see you thriving, but I know that right now its very hard just surviving. I think that once you start feeling the difference in your body from rest and nutrition you will realize that the pain of all this has been even worse than you thought.
When we are in a terrible place, for an extended time especially, we become numb to it. I don't want you to be hurting, but I think maybe truly FEELING things again might be enough to light the fire and push you in a healthier direction.
I'm sorry I don't check in more often but we all know everyone here has their own troubles, me included. It did brighten my night to read about you fighting so hard recently. Grab hold of that will to live girl- it's everything!
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#1512
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Posted 25 January 2018 - 11:11 AM
dyingdarling, on 25 Jan 2018 - 04:14 AM, said:
I gain on less than 1,200, I don’t plan on going to 1,400 or 1,500 ever that makes me feel all shaky and scared just thinking about itIt would honestly make my YEAR to see you eating closer to 1400-1500 calories, especially with school SO SOON. I can't imagine how you'll be able to cope with the workload with the brain fuzzies from restricting.
I want to see you thriving, but I know that right now its very hard just surviving. I think that once you start feeling the difference in your body from rest and nutrition you will realize that the pain of all this has been even worse than you thought.
When we are in a terrible place, for an extended time especially, we become numb to it. I don't want you to be hurting, but I think maybe truly FEELING things again might be enough to light the fire and push you in a healthier direction.
I'm sorry I don't check in more often but we all know everyone here has their own troubles, me included. It did brighten my night to read about you fighting so hard recently. Grab hold of that will to live girl- it's everything!
My fuzzies have gone and my mental clarity has been awesome.... I’m really articulate now and I can read quite well and engage and do all the necessary things to get through school for sure
I completely understand that you have stuff going on, I hope I don’t make you feel obligated or guilty... it’s not your fault I’m an insecure whore! I really hope that what’s going on for you is somewhat manageable? Are you okay? I send my love, hugs and support and if you’d like to message me about it I’m always here
Thanks for the support.. I’d love to live a beautiful life and my short term goal is to do anything it takes to complete year 12!
#1513
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Posted 25 January 2018 - 11:12 AM
just wanted to actually speak for once and say that you're doing an amazing job at getting just a bit better! telling your parents was honestly the best thing to do. having support for something like this (especially when you are/were so terrified of your bmi being so low) is good! it's great even! i wish you the best of luck when it comes to feeling any better than before! you seem like such a sweet and genuinely nice person and you deserve the world! keep at it and things will more than likely get better! i'm always here for support if you need it!(although, it looks like you get TONS of it already by the lovely people on here!) c:
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Posted 25 January 2018 - 12:21 PM
love xx
#1515
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Posted 25 January 2018 - 06:36 PM
Comments were made
Feel like dying
Still gonna try to at least maintain
(Not about posters on this thread, outside my accountability, just updating)
#1517
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Posted 25 January 2018 - 07:09 PM
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#1518
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Posted 25 January 2018 - 08:27 PM
In-a-cloud, on 25 Jan 2018 - 7:09 PM, said:
[spoiler]SpoilerSome ppl who have posted here have not understood the ... feeling....of the thread or of the OP. The OP has clearly stated they are not discussing recovery but for some fucking reason everyone can't comprehend that. People can be so difficult at times because much of the time they just can't seem to pay attention when someone is laying it out for them (as in "please don't say xx because it triggers me and I am really trying to stay alive right now kthanx".)
No it wasn’t on this thread, just some people made comments about me in other places of the internet and don’t worry about it because it’ll breed drama, I just wanted people to know so they didn’t expect a magical post about me feeling great. Your comment is beautiful though and I cannot believe your clear compassion and empathy and the fact you’re willing to stick up for me is beyond crazily amazing FUCK
It was nothing on this thread, and if it was I’d address it or try as hard not to let my vulnerability show and be a whiner about it because when you start an accountability where you tell people to comment n shit, there’s gonna be positive and also negative posts!
But still man, thank you so much for caring!
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#1519
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Posted 25 January 2018 - 11:18 PM
Calories consumed: 1,180
Tdee: 1,180
Maintenance
Managed to make myself maintain despite all urges to crawl out of my skin
So um, some internet shit went down, reaaaaally don’t want to start drama or dwell on what happened but it made me feel like the most disgusting fake slug on the face of the earth, an immature, attention seeking attention, hypocritical toddler who didn’t deserve to roam the earth so I shall leave it at that.
Then some friends said some stupid triggering shit about ‘health’ and ‘fitness’ and shit but like I really need to stop complaining so much
I thought this was my place to come and be honest about my feelings, events that happen but no, so I’ll try to be less dependent and keep text to the minimum
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Posted 25 January 2018 - 11:44 PM
Hope you respect that
I will miss u all and don’t think I didn’t think long on this or cry over it contemplating because I did, for hours, and that’s not healthy
I need to move on
Deleting Tapatalk
*was hasty and I’m keeping it here to show that yes, I am a very conflicted and confused and flawed human who makes mistakes, I decided to come back*
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#1523
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Posted 25 January 2018 - 11:58 PM
I love you and im always here.. you have my number .. message me when you feel a bit better xx
I have a youtube channel too!
subscribe if ya want
(going to upload videos soon!.. more ed content and random shit)
https://www.youtube....w_as=subscriber
"Heis,
You are you,
Perfection and goals,
How I long to see you be whole" - S'mores
#1524
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Posted 26 January 2018 - 02:06 AM
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Posted 26 January 2018 - 04:30 AM
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#1527
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Posted 26 January 2018 - 04:59 AM
i'm so sorry to hear about all that internet drama that has gone on for you. I don't know if you'll ever read this message, but know that I wish the best for you and hope that you succeed in whatever you choose to do in your life <3
#1528
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Posted 26 January 2018 - 05:14 AM
#1530
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Posted 26 January 2018 - 10:00 AM
sorry to see you go. hope everything turns out okay for you! we're all here for you even if you won't be! please try to remember that when things get rough or hard.
#1532
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Posted 26 January 2018 - 01:19 PM
Of course that comes with posting so publicly and my naivety and immaturity is the only thing to blame
I’m going to do weekly updates, every Sunday just once a week starting next Sunday the 4th unless something massive happens, I may do a random pop in if it all goes pear shaped or something but I plan on posting only once a week! I’ll reply to all comments and update on what happened through the week, but I think this is a good thing. This thread was the only place I could express my feelings and find the support I couldn’t give myself... maybe by avoiding MPA and getting off my phone and getting out into the real world I could reconnect with my friends more, focus on passing school and talk to my parents or friends when I have problems to help rather than screaming into the empty void of the internet and letting the problem worsen
Maybe I can build a new coping strategy and actually make progress rather than let the things I see online effect me, reconnect with people, nature, and most importantly myself and my body which I need to listen to more often
The support I’ve received here is beyond amazing and you beautiful people literally saved my life more than once and I think that’s why my dependency has grown to the extent it has. I relied on the advice and help of others because my brain wasn’t functioning and I couldn’t even semi look after myself or reach out to anyone but the beautiful community I have here but I guess we all need to grow up at some point....
I think it’ll also be good to not reflect on everything I ate and all of the calories and shit every single day, or to check my phone every five seconds to see if someone has commented because as I said, that’s just not healthy? You know?
I feel like I’ve said everything I wanted to say until next Sunday, hope school goes well starting Monday and hope I nourish myself and take care of myself and show myself the support that you guys have helped teach me I deserve. Love you all, see you in a week and a bit! Sorry I’m a hypocritical toddler but if you don’t like my accountability that affects you in no way at all and is just a place for my honest thoughts and was a place for me to go and feel safe. Hope that you all have a lovely week! Tapatalk is still deleted
*was hasty and I’m keeping it here to show that yes, I am a very conflicted and confused and flawed human who makes mistakes, decided this was an overreaction and came back *
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#1533
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Posted 26 January 2018 - 04:15 PM
Love you my friend. Peace and light and harmony to you forever. I understand and for what it may be worth, I think you are exactly right in what you are doing and I know you are going to benefit from distancing yourself from that which is trying to bring you down.
People throw rocks at things that shine (I'm not a huge fan of Taylor Swift haha but that's a good lyric right there). Just stay alive, that's all I ask <3. Take care ok?
#1534
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Posted 26 January 2018 - 05:34 PM
I hope you're able to find what works for you.
#1535 Guest_ShakyLittleLeaf_*
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Posted 26 January 2018 - 06:00 PM
Of course, I'm glad you're making an effort to get back out into the world!! MPA in general is probably not the best place for individuals (like the two of us, specifically) us who are trying to gain weight instead of lose. At least, that's how I feel, not to speak for anyone else or put down how fantastic this community can be.
Don't lose hope, okay? On the day that you get a certain feeling, or see a certain number, or anything that makes you want to give up and come spiraling back down into the danger zone, just try to remember how hard you've struggled to pick yourself up. Remember how close you are to death and how much you want to live. You've got this.
xx#1538 Guest_Vitrola_*
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Posted 26 January 2018 - 09:29 PM
Ps. Sorry for my grammar, english is not my native language
#1539
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Posted 27 January 2018 - 05:56 AM
If you ever do want to talk about anything, my inbox is always open.
But for now, I'm sending you my love and (hopefully) enough strength to last you until next Sunday. Much love xxx
HW: 198 (20/05/20) LW: ~120-125 CW: 186 (06/06/20)
GW1: 185
GW2: 180
GW3: 175
GW4: 170
GW5: 165
GW6: 160
UGW: 130
Control Freak Club - personal accountability: https://www.myproana...-accountability
#1540
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Posted 27 January 2018 - 07:54 AM
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Posted 27 January 2018 - 09:18 AM
I'm a thousand percent for you doing what you need to do for your own health, mental and physical! My inbox is always open if you need somewhere safe, okay? No judgment, no disclosure to anyone else - full confidentiality and a listening ear
Best wishes for you, love! Just remember, you're a warrior, and you'll get through this!
#1542 Guest_Consolation_*
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Posted 27 January 2018 - 11:20 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 26 Jan 2018 - 1:19 PM, said:
I know I said that was my last post, and that I was leaving this thread behind, and that this post makes me seem like a massive hypocrite but I felt so overwhelmed by the hate I received and invasion of privacy I felt like I had no choice
Of course that comes with posting so publicly and my naivety and immaturity is the only thing to blame
I’m going to do weekly updates, every Sunday just once a week starting next Sunday the 4th unless something massive happens, I may do a random pop in if it all goes pear shaped or something but I plan on posting only once a week! I’ll reply to all comments and update on what happened through the week, but I think this is a good thing. This thread was the only place I could express my feelings and find the support I couldn’t give myself... maybe by avoiding MPA and getting off my phone and getting out into the real world I could reconnect with my friends more, focus on passing school and talk to my parents or friends when I have problems to help rather than screaming into the empty void of the internet and letting the problem worsen
Maybe I can build a new coping strategy and actually make progress rather than let the things I see online effect me, reconnect with people, nature, and most importantly myself and my body which I need to listen to more often
The support I’ve received here is beyond amazing and you beautiful people literally saved my life more than once and I think that’s why my dependency has grown to the extent it has. I relied on the advice and help of others because my brain wasn’t functioning and I couldn’t even semi look after myself or reach out to anyone but the beautiful community I have here but I guess we all need to grow up at some point....
I think it’ll also be good to not reflect on everything I ate and all of the calories and shit every single day, or to check my phone every five seconds to see if someone has commented because as I said, that’s just not healthy? You know?
I feel like I’ve said everything I wanted to say until next Sunday, hope school goes well starting Monday and hope I nourish myself and take care of myself and show myself the support that you guys have helped teach me I deserve. Love you all, see you in a week and a bit! Sorry I’m a hypocritical toddler but if you don’t like my accountability that affects you in no way at all and is just a place for my honest thoughts and was a place for me to go and feel safe. Hope that you all have a lovely week! Tapatalk is still deleted
Hi,
I just wanted to let you know that although you said you did receive my message a few days ago including my phone number and you replied, I didn´t receive your reply back. Stupid glitches!!! I am so sorry to bother you with this and if you feel too stressed/exhausted/... to reply again it is okay - the main point is that YOU feel better and get a bit of rest, physically as well as mentally! But I wanted to tell you about the "missing reply" nonetheless as I don´t want you to think I´d ignore your message or something.
Especially as you decided to leave this thread for a while. But you have my phone number, I guess, so if you want to talk to me, if you need medical advice (unless it´s an emergency), if you want some emotional support - I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU. Please remember that! <3
Concerning your post I quoted above: I think this is a good decision you´ve made. I loved to read your posts and to know whether you are okay, but I can also see the disadvantages that come with keeping a public accountability like this. I think re-connecting to the "real world" and your irl friends is a wonderful goal and I am sure you can do it! I also think you have a point in saying that listing all the things you consumed might be counterproductive in the end.
In the past there were long periods stayed away from MPA entirely and honestly, these were mostly the best times in my life as I focussed on other things and didn´t feel the need to go here to distract myself o find comfort. Every time my ED gets worse, I come back and then it´s very comforting to have this community, don´t get me wrong - I love MPA!!! And many of its members! But I really wish I wouldn´t need it as I learned that it correlates with the severity of my depression, anxiety and ED and I am not sure to what extend the effects of MPA are positive or negative on all of these aspects.
Sending you love! <3 Xx
#1543
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Advanced Sage
- Location42 Below
Posted 27 January 2018 - 12:14 PM
Love and hugs from across the ditch 😘 and if you ever need to talk to some random internet person who won't judge you send me a PM.
Xoxox
#1545
- Accountability access
- 957 posts
Sage
- LocationAustralia
Posted 27 January 2018 - 02:22 PM
All of these supportive and beautiful messages have deeply moved me, this community I have on my accountability is so important to me and I care deeply about each and every one of you, it may be too deeply and I know I shouldn’t be so dependent on the support you show but I fucking love you guys so much and I don’t think I can ever leave you. You’re so amazing and I love getting to know the personality behind each username, it’s one of the best experiences to have a friend you relate to and who wants to help you in times of trouble, you’re all fucking amazing and I cannot thank you enough for staying despite my indecisiveness and all of my flaws
I love you all
I really wanted to reply to every single comment separately because they all meant so much to me but the message was so long that it wouldn’t post but I want you to know that I read and reread every comment over and over and they mean the world to me, you guys are so articulate and all of your words just move me every time. I can’t believe how much you back me 100% no matter what decision I make, it makes me feel so empowered and like I’m choosing the right path in life which is reassuring as I’m only looking to better myself! I never thought I’d find this loving community when I started this accountability but not that I have such precious and beautiful people I never want to leave
I’ve made so many friends who I talk to and message throughout the day about life and what’s going on for them and for me and have a laugh and it’s such a beautiful thing!
Because of how much I love you guys I feel like I have to share more about the internet drama that occurred. I didn’t want to cause more drama but I feel like it’s unfair to all of you to just shut you out, especially when all I want to do is let you into my life and be 100% honest on this thread so I’m going to share more. I really hope there’s no consequences of this...
So, there’s a website called lolcow, I’m sure many of you have heard about it? Well they were talking about me. I’ll attach some photos. Basically, I woke up and was informed that some people were discussing me. I don’t know a lot about lolcow so it took me a while to figure out how to access it but when I did, I was absolutely heartbroken
the screenshot of only my response to a beautiful user who said to tell her if what she said offended me and then thanked me after...
They also attached some of the body shots I’ve taken and links to photos of me, some of the ones I put in spoilers...
I felt so disgusting and really exposed and violated and like my privacy had been stripped, leaving me naked and cold
I don’t know how people so hateful found my accountability, my safe place where I write my thoughts, which affect them in no way and then when they found it they decided it was a ‘fun’ idea to share it
And then not only them, but many other posters on that site thought ‘I’m going to comment on a newly 18 year old girls body and life and shame her for trying to gain weight, insult her parents who they know nothing about, comment on her body and vulnerabilities, tell her she’s an immature toddler because she asks for help, likes to interact followers and does get upset if someone says triggering stuff (sorry, but who doesn’t?) and call her mean things’
It broke me. I know that when you post on a semi public forum that hate or mean comments are going to be a possibility but I never thought it would be this... and I never thought I’d be discussed outside this site...
I felt like my safe place had crumbled, and I was informed that this can happen when one of your followers is secretly on both websites and starts posts about you so I got paranoid...
I just couldn’t stop crying, I don’t want to seem like an attention seeker but when something deeply affects me I want to be able to post it in my online diary/accountability where I talk about everything that effects me and happens in my like.
I agree with what they said, it’s just the fact that I don’t know who these people are and they’re calling me out for everything that’s wrong with me. I know my flaws, but why spread hate about a stranger who doesn’t effect them and has never done anything to hurt them in any way? I know I’m needy, vulnerable and weak but this is my place where I was just me... open and bare and honestly me
I don’t really know what to do now to be honest, it was just such a shock, but I fucking miss my thread
And I am not the only victim of this lolcow website and I hope that they stop, or start commenting on stuff that actually matters
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#1546
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Omniscient
Posted 27 January 2018 - 03:09 PM
all those things are awful that were said about you and i'm so sorry. on another site I was cyber bullied by another member too. it was difficult. and I left for a while and felt very violated too. it is awful. i'm sorry.
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#1548
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Advanced Guru
Posted 27 January 2018 - 05:08 PM
Have to hit the road in 2 minutes, but my comment for now is-I am beyond horrified. I can't even imagine being in your shoes and reading that shit.
I'm so deeply sorry you had to deal with that.
#1549 Guest_ShakyLittleLeaf_*
- Guests
Posted 27 January 2018 - 06:36 PM
I hope they're reading this thread right now because I want them to see this: Hey you- yeah you, you soulless shell of a human- get the fuck off this thread and get a life. If all you have to do with your time is sit at a computer screen and spew rancid hatred about someone you don't even know, then you must be an unsuccessful piece of shit who's projecting your sorry life onto others. I usually give people the benefit of the doubt in situations like these, but I cannot wrap my head around what the fuck is wrong with you.
Again I'm just so sorry you feel unsafe here. Everyone deserves a safe place, and this was supposed to be yours. I hope this community here can outweigh the bad with good for you.
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#1550
- Accountability access
- 72072 posts
Lord Heisenburg
- LocationSydney Australia
Posted 27 January 2018 - 06:38 PM
I love you little sis and I hope you feel better soon <3
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I have a youtube channel too!
subscribe if ya want
(going to upload videos soon!.. more ed content and random shit)
https://www.youtube....w_as=subscriber
"Heis,
You are you,
Perfection and goals,
How I long to see you be whole" - S'mores
#1551
- Accountability access
- 957 posts
Sage
- LocationAustralia
Posted 27 January 2018 - 09:54 PM
uponanaswings, on 27 Jan 2018 - 3:09 PM, said:
I’m so sorry that this sort of situation happened to you, cyber bullying is the worst because it’s faceless and ‘blameless’ so people think they can say what they want without consequences. I hope that the person who effected that horrible pain in your life feels ashamed and the feeling of being violated, stripped bare to your core, is honestly one of the worst experiences and I send you all of my love and healing thoughts because to even reflect on that experience must cause you so much pain and turmoil. I’m glad that after taking a break was beneficial for you though, if you ever want to talk my messages are open!all those things are awful that were said about you and i'm so sorry. on another site I was cyber bullied by another member too. it was difficult. and I left for a while and felt very violated too. it is awful. i'm sorry.
You are beyond amazing and have shown me so much love and support for such a long time, I absolutely adore you and cannot thank you enough for your beautiful words
In-a-cloud, on 27 Jan 2018 - 3:43 PM, said:
I feel like cyber bullying or trolling is so common nowadays and it’s so horrible because they hide behind a computer screen and think they can say whatever harmful things they want and think there’ll be no consequences. And usually there aren’t consequences for them in their life but it can be scarring and majorly effect the life of the victimI am truly so sorry anyone would ever have to be subject to this hatefulness.
StrungOut, on 27 Jan 2018 - 5:08 PM, said:
Thank you so much for commenting despite of your busy schedule, that’s so lovely! Yeah, wasn’t very nice... that’s for sure!!!!!!!!!??????
Have to hit the road in 2 minutes, but my comment for now is-I am beyond horrified. I can't even imagine being in your shoes and reading that shit.
I'm so deeply sorry you had to deal with that.
ShakyLittleLeaf, on 27 Jan 2018 - 6:36 PM, said:
Thank you for your shared outrage and even though I’m not the only one effected, it really fucked me up... I really want to come back and make my accountability the haven it once was, your support is fucking literally always 100, every time you comment I just think I don’t know how you managed to scrape up any more left to give. You’re a truly beautiful soul, I would love to buy you flowers or give you a hug but the best I can do is say ThANKYOU and send emojis so that’s what I’ll doHoly shit. I'm so sorry. Gah, I'm just... I'm so, so sorry. No one should have to go through finding something like that about them. How can people have that much hate in their hearts? Why do they care so much? Literally nothing you're doing here has any effect on their lives. I just. I can't.
I hope they're reading this thread right now because I want them to see this: Hey you- yeah you, you soulless shell of a human- get the fuck off this thread and get a life. If all you have to do with your time is sit at a computer screen and spew rancid hatred about someone you don't even know, then you must be an unsuccessful piece of shit who's projecting your sorry life onto others. I usually give people the benefit of the doubt in situations like these, but I cannot wrap my head around what the fuck is wrong with you.
Again I'm just so sorry you feel unsafe here. Everyone deserves a safe place, and this was supposed to be yours. I hope this community here can outweigh the bad with good for you.
I love you so much man, just fucking thankyou for everything aahHeisenbυrg, on 27 Jan 2018 - 6:38 PM, said:
I love youuuu, I’m feeling a bit better about it and I think I wanna end my hiatus now, thank you endlessly for your constant fucking love and support and for always putting up with me, you’re a literal queenI love you little sis and I hope you feel better soon <3
🧡#1552
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Sage
- LocationAustralia
Posted 27 January 2018 - 10:02 PM
I just need to remember that writing my thoughts on a public place can cause consequences and and can be exposed at any time. I’m still going to be 100% honest, I just will expect that at any time, my thoughts could be examined and critisised online and if it does reoccur then I’m the only one to blame and should be resilient and ignore it!
Thank you endlessly for all the beautiful support messages, I feel like by overreacting I only further proved that a lot of what they said about my immaturity is right and I think it helped me accept my flaws and say ‘fuck you, I am who I am and I’m not changing just because you don’t like me or... some of me at least’
Look forward to being active again!
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#1553 Guest_isabeIIa_*
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Posted 27 January 2018 - 10:17 PM
please remember that those people have ugly souls and you don’t!!
of course we won’t be mad if you come back.
much love. xxx
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#1554
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- 957 posts
Sage
- LocationAustralia
Posted 28 January 2018 - 12:49 AM
Calories consumed: 1,180
Tdee: 1,200
Deficit: 20
So as you can see I’m maintaining for a while! I don’t have a plan at the moment for the long term but I feel awesome after eating around 1,200 for 9 days now and I don’t really have a motivation to gain. My parents think I am but I just cant bring myself to not exercise anymore. Manage to limit it to 2 hours and not let myself do more than that so far, hope that continues
I got the dates mixed up for school so I start next Monday, not this Monday, which is fucking awesome!
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#1555
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Omniscient
- LocationThe bottom of the Baggie
Posted 28 January 2018 - 01:10 AM
#1556
- Accountability access
- 1811 posts
Advanced Sage
- LocationHogwarts, middle earth, in a galaxy far far away
Posted 28 January 2018 - 01:10 AM
I totally get the "I'm leaving - I'm staying" part. It's like "flaky" is my second name!
I'm glad you are feeling better, eating more and feeling the benefits of it! You're a beautiful soul and worth a million of those who does you. Keep it up beautiful. You're stronger than you know
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
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#1557
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Omniscient
Posted 28 January 2018 - 05:07 AM
i'm glad you decided to make the best decision for you at the time. what I've learned from being on forums is that most people are genuine and nice and the ones who aren't can spoil it for you, so i'm glad you decided to stick around for those that see your beauty and the ones who are there to offer advice to you and want only the best for you. <3
#1558
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- 1020 posts
Sage
- LocationUK
Posted 28 January 2018 - 07:10 AM
I am so shocked and sorry that happened to you had to put up with that.
I tried to send you a PM cos there's some stuff I wanted to say, but I can't get my messenger to work!
HW: 198 (20/05/20) LW: ~120-125 CW: 186 (06/06/20)
GW1: 185
GW2: 180
GW3: 175
GW4: 170
GW5: 165
GW6: 160
UGW: 130
Control Freak Club - personal accountability: https://www.myproana...-accountability
#1559
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Newbie
Posted 28 January 2018 - 07:16 AM
#1560
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Sage
- LocationMiddle Earth
Posted 28 January 2018 - 10:35 AM
Katy22, on 28 Jan 2018 - 07:16 AM, said:
She's not a child...Why havent you been admitted I've been sectioned 3 times and admitted to mental health/eating disorders 4 times in the last 3 years. Not having ago just wondering why the NHS is letting children get this way! X
- Accountability access
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Sage
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Posted 31 January 2018 - 03:47 PM
Self hatred = 100
Can’t seem to function despite all the calories
Ran out of Pepsi so I’m a zombie
I’ve been trying to keep my complaining to a minimum, not just in my accountability but also in real life because I don’t want to be an attention seeker but it’s really fucking with me, and it’s been persistent, constant and overpowering
The feeling that I want no responsibilities, to never have to do anything for myself, to be ignored and treated by others and myself as the disgusting scum I am and to be seen of as the useless and pathetic human I am
I want to have no life
I want today to be my last day
I need to find a way to die because, if not now, when? Why wait? It’s not like I’m going anywhere, doing anything
It not like I’m going to suddenly be a person who can function and BE anyone worth being
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#1582 Guest_ShakyLittleLeaf_*
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Posted 31 January 2018 - 05:56 PM
And feel free to complain all you want. Message me, if you don't feel comfortable doing so on this thread. I've been told I'm a good person to rant to. You have a right to complain, to be quite honest. Go ahead and spill it all out. Life can be frustrating as fuck and sometimes just makes you straight up wanna die. I know how it feels. So go ahead and complain. But just remember you're a GREAT HUMAN BEING OKAY? I wouldn't say that if it weren't true!! Hell, I wouldn't follow this thread at all if I didn't think you weren't as worthy of living as you truly are.
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#1584
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Omniscient
- LocationUSA
Posted 31 January 2018 - 06:40 PM
When I gave up alcohol, I was told that I'd "feel" again. I was on this sort of high for awhile bc I was so stoked that I'd been able to not drink, you know? My life was coming back together, people trusted me again, and I felt good.
After awhile though I found that "feeling" also meant the other side and I felt just...raw. Like I was an open wound and things touched me soooo deeply. At first it was cool but then it became problematic. It never went away and it's been a long time.
Looking back, I can see it changed me. The point is...that's ok.
I hope that can help you in some small way. I guess what I'd like to offer to you is...what you are going through has a purpose and there is something in it meant for you. Please keep breathing. That's all you absolutely have to do in a day and as long as you do that, things will work out.
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#1585
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Posted 31 January 2018 - 09:00 PM
Heisenbυrg, on 30 Jan 2018 - 10:21 PM, said:
ahh sorry it was a tough day love
hope you feel better soon
also I'm not ignoring your texts aha I just ran out of credit last night and will get.some tomorrow mwaa
No worries man! Thanks for the beautiful message
I hope your tracking well! Look forward to hearing from you Forever-hoping, on 31 Jan 2018 - 03:19 AM, said:
Sorry to hear you had a really tough day. I hope that today (tomorrow for you) is easier. Xx
Today was a bit worse to be honest but your hope for me and positivity made me feel a bit better, thanks man
uponanaswings, on 31 Jan 2018 - 04:37 AM, said:
there will be bad days, but they don't take away your good days or the progress that you've made. that's just how it is. ups and downs. I believe you will get through it <3
You’re so beautiful, I’m coming to realise this as well and I know it can’t always be a breeze, I just have to keep fighting and bide my time until it gets less shitty all the time I think! Thanks for the motivation, I think I needed that! You’re a legend as always bro ❤️
In-a-cloud, on 31 Jan 2018 - 09:01 AM, said:
Soooo proud of you. Let the tough days strengthen you, if you are able to do that. Each day is a triumph.
I shall try my hardest! I’ve not been letting myself restrict under 1,000 and I make sure I only exercise a bit on the bad days so even if I hate myself and have a bad day, I don’t do major damage to my progress! You’re a legend for spurring me on, love you so much my gorgeous
you’re right, every day is a triumph and I need to celebrate it rather than dread it and live it out feeling shitty 
ShakyLittleLeaf, on 31 Jan 2018 - 5:56 PM, said:
You already ARE someone worth being. Seriously, and I'm not just saying that. Who are you? Well, you're a young woman with a crippling mental illness who's FIGHTING THE CRAP OUT OF IT against all odds. But you're more than that too, because you're a daughter and a friend, and you're so sweet and just great to talk to on here, and you have an awesome fashion sense and a great dark sense of humor.
And feel free to complain all you want. Message me, if you don't feel comfortable doing so on this thread. I've been told I'm a good person to rant to. You have a right to complain, to be quite honest. Go ahead and spill it all out. Life can be frustrating as fuck and sometimes just makes you straight up wanna die. I know how it feels. So go ahead and complain. But just remember you're a GREAT HUMAN BEING OKAY? I wouldn't say that if it weren't true!! Hell, I wouldn't follow this thread at all if I didn't think you weren't as worthy of living as you truly are.
Those compliments were too much, I can’t believe how much about me and my life you cared to get to know, I’d love nothing more than to message you, could you message me your phone number or email? I think it’d be awesome to get to know the person behind the username that is ‘ShakyLittleLeaf’ because you’re so supportive and lovely and aaah I just love you so much
Starduss, on 31 Jan 2018 - 6:35 PM, said:
I don't remember if you've ever mentioned treatment for your mental illness but are you on or have you ever been on antidepressants???
I have taken many kinds in the past, but not anymore. I took Quentineapine/Serroquel for 3ish years and tamazapam for a bit before, tried a few others but they either made me hyperactive or completely lethargic.
In-a-cloud, on 31 Jan 2018 - 6:40 PM, said:
When I gave up alcohol, I was told that I'd "feel" again. I was on this sort of high for awhile bc I was so stoked that I'd been able to not drink, you know? My life was coming back together, people trusted me again, and I felt good.
After awhile though I found that "feeling" also meant the other side and I felt just...raw. Like I was an open wound and things touched me soooo deeply. At first it was cool but then it became problematic. It never went away and it's been a long time.
Looking back, I can see it changed me. The point is...that's ok.
I hope that can help you in some small way. I guess what I'd like to offer to you is...what you are going through has a purpose and there is something in it meant for you. Please keep breathing. That's all you absolutely have to do in a day and as long as you do that, things will work out.
Thanks for sharing your story, you’ve been through so much and come out the other side as a strong, resilient and beautiful woman! You not only motivate me but inspire me to continue trying. I was in a dark hole when I wrote that post but I’m really trying to turn it around and have a semi-bearable day and just live to see if tomorrow is better. I love you and thank you again! ❤️
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#1587
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- 729 posts
Advanced Guru
Posted 31 January 2018 - 09:21 PM
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aspen |20|they/them|non binary|
u p d a t e d ; feb 18th 2022
jul 5th 2022
height; 5'1.5 [~156cm]
current weight;166.2 165.6 ???? [been bingeing the last week or so]
probs around 175
starting weight;169.8 [jan 2022]
highest weight;176
goal weight one;170
goal weight two;165
goal weight three;160
goal weight four;155
goal weight five;150
goal weight six;146
goal weight seven;140
goal weight eight;132
goal weight nine;124
goal weight ten;112
goal weight eleven;105
goal weight twelve;100
goal weight thirteen;92
goal weight fourteen;87
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86.
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#1588
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Omniscient
Posted 01 February 2018 - 12:12 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 25 Jan 2018 - 11:11 AM, said:
Reply
SpoilerI gain on less than 1,200, I don’t plan on going to 1,400 or 1,500 ever that makes me feel all shaky and scared just thinking about it
My fuzzies have gone and my mental clarity has been awesome.... I’m really articulate now and I can read quite well and engage and do all the necessary things to get through school for sure
I completely understand that you have stuff going on, I hope I don’t make you feel obligated or guilty... it’s not your fault I’m an insecure whore! I really hope that what’s going on for you is somewhat manageable? Are you okay? I send my love, hugs and support and if you’d like to message me about it I’m always here
Thanks for the support.. I’d love to live a beautiful life and my short term goal is to do anything it takes to complete year 12!
Nah don't worry about me. I'm toughened up by life and I know that every setback is temporary, every pain will pass. (If you could magically get me a job I'd worship you lmao, but really there's nothing you could help me with)
Anyways, yes, I'm ok. I had a bad weekend but I'm on the rebound now and soo glad to hear you're thinking more clearly, that's such a good sign that you're doing the right thing! I bet you feel awesome with that extra energy.
I'm sorry you've been struggling the past few days but just remind yourself it will pass ok? Focus on the future and all the reasons you're trying to treat yourself better. What's that saying about how a journey is just a series of steps? Idr. But my point is, you can only take one step at a time. But every step matters and moves you forward and maybe eventually you will get some momentum too and find that things get a little bit easier. Like a runner's high of life.
I feel like a hypocrite because I'm relapsing and not listening to my own advice. Practice what you preach, right? But in the past I have been "recovering" and it took a long long time for me to be ok with it and accept it. I had lots of freakouts and backslides and that's ok. One day doesn't determine things- neither does a week or a month. You just gotta keep your goals strong in your mind and you'll be ok (yes I know you aren't "recovering" but I've never really maintained or gained purposefully for any other reason so that's just my experience)
Oh, and one more thing- fuck those people. They will trash anyone/anything and it really has nothing to do with you. They're just bitter and taking it out on strangers because its anonymous and safe. I can't lie, I've totally picked on people online before just because I was in a mood. ButI have an account on imgur with a disclaimer in my profile that tells people what I use it for at least. And I don't pick on people who are already down, mostly pick fights with people who have hateful politics and the like.
If you let it get to you, the idiots win. Don't give em the satisfaction of it. They can't REALLY do anything to hurt you. All they can do is run their mouths, and well we have a surplus (I USED THE WORD) of people like that in the world.
#1589
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Sage
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Posted 01 February 2018 - 01:41 AM
Calories consumed: 1,040
Tdee: 1,160
Deficit: 120
———————————
Today is the first day of February and tomorrow is the two week anniversary of starting to try and gain weight and journey towards a better life, I’m nervous for tomorrow just because of this... but I know it’s just another day towards my life and another step from death
I’m still BMI 11.6, can’t seem to go any higher. I guess at least it’s not going lower? I don’t really know what I’m doing, every day is so different and my emotions are so extreme all the time that I can’t really plan out what I’m trying to achieve....
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#1591 Guest_ShakyLittleLeaf_*
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Posted 01 February 2018 - 09:44 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 31 Jan 2018 - 9:00 PM, said:
Replies
Spoiler
Those compliments were too much, I can’t believe how much about me and my life you cared to get to know, I’d love nothing more than to message you, could you message me your phone number or email? I think it’d be awesome to get to know the person behind the username that is ‘ShakyLittleLeaf’ because you’re so supportive and lovely and aaah I just love you so much
Just PMed you, not sure if it sent though. Stupid Tapatalk glitch
#1592
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Sage
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Posted 01 February 2018 - 09:08 PM
Calories consumed: 1,020
Tdee: 1,120
Deficit: 100
———————————
Today was really odd, 2 weeks since I started trying to live a better life and I feel quite odd about it
Today was so weird, my limbs (both arms and both legs all at once) were really unpredictable today, when they weren’t completely void of feeling, I had burning sensations and pins and needles, or random goosebumps even when really warm
I had head and chest pains all day, there was unbearable pressure on my ears and I had a panic attack for seemedly no reason
I don’t know. I can’t seem to think much anymore. I’m sorry I’ve been crappy at replying, I just can’t think or focus or concentrate at the moment
I don’t know, fuck
#1593
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Omniscient
Posted 01 February 2018 - 11:27 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 01 Feb 2018 - 9:08 PM, said:
I’ve been experiencing severe chest pains pretty consistently for about 30-45 minutes
20 mins on, 5 mins off, 15 on, 10 off etc.
When I get them it hurts to breathe deeply and my chest feels constricted
Heart rate was 52 so I think that’s pretty good
Don’t know if it’ll go away, I’ve eaten heaps so far today and just had another snack and it doesn’t seem to help
What could it be? It doesn’t feel life threatening but it fucking hurts and I’m a bit scared
My head feels like it’s being crushed and my ears and eyes ache too gah
Complaining as usual, fuck me
I am too high to write a coherent response right now. But I love u
#1594
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Posted 02 February 2018 - 03:50 AM
It might just be your body trying to get used to it, it's really good that you are not going down and I think you need to be happy staying the same even if you are not going up. Staying the same is still a massive achievement.
Don't worry at all about replying; we are all here to support you, we do not require an answer xxx <3
HW: 198 (20/05/20) LW: ~120-125 CW: 186 (06/06/20)
GW1: 185
GW2: 180
GW3: 175
GW4: 170
GW5: 165
GW6: 160
UGW: 130
Control Freak Club - personal accountability: https://www.myproana...-accountability
#1595
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Posted 02 February 2018 - 06:07 AM
i just saw this thread, and i just wanted to tell you that everything gets better, don't lose hope and i am wishing goes well for you!!!
#1596
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Omniscient
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Posted 02 February 2018 - 10:27 AM
Wishing you a wonderful day today with lots of love and hoping the sun shines on you to keep you warm . I really crave sunlight in winter so that's my way of wrapping you up in good wishes <3.
#1597
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- LocationAustralia
Posted 02 February 2018 - 12:57 PM
So of course, me being the idiot I am, decides to weigh myself because somehow 3 days of food weight and water retention from exercise is going to give an accurate number
33kg
I know it’s not real but it feels real and I feel shit and it’s my own goddamn fault
Could it be accurate? Semi-accurate? Fuck, my mind won’t shut up now
#1598
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- 890 posts
Advanced Guru
Posted 02 February 2018 - 01:17 PM
Just reassurance that nope. That's not accurate. And you have a little "whoosh" coming when, you know...probably to even lower than you expect to be. This happens to me so often, and every time half my brain asks the same thing! "What if it isn't food weight this time?" "How did this happen?" I wish for the sake of your health that it wasn't food weight, but...have you ever tried drinking Kombacha?
#1600
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Posted 02 February 2018 - 02:12 PM
StrungOut, on 02 Feb 2018 - 1:17 PM, said:
Sorry things aren't so great right now.
Just reassurance that nope. That's not accurate. And you have a little "whoosh" coming when, you know...probably to even lower than you expect to be. This happens to me so often, and every time half my brain asks the same thing! "What if it isn't food weight this time?" "How did this happen?" I wish for the sake of your health that it wasn't food weight, but...have you ever tried drinking Kombacha?
This made me feel so much better because it’s really been fucking with me, I can’t stop thinking ‘33kg’ over and over ahhh
I would love to try kombucha if I can find it at some stage of today, I think I’ve seen it at a local supermarket so I may ask my mum if we could get some! Thanks for the tip and the well needed reassurance beautiful, have a great day my love
In-a-cloud, on 02 Feb 2018 - 10:27 AM, said:
Wishing you a wonderful day today with lots of love and hoping the sun shines on you to keep you warm
It’s meant to be Summer here but the weather has been pretty crappy and cold here too! But the sun is out and I plan on making the most of my weekend, maybe getting my nails done or something, just distracting myself and having a fun time! I hope you have an awesome weekend too and that the crappy weather you’re experiencing doesn’t lead to crappy feelings
I feel completely wrapped in your good wishes and I send you my love ukiyo, on 02 Feb 2018 - 06:07 AM, said:
i just saw this thread, and i just wanted to tell you that everything gets better, don't lose hope and i am wishing goes well for you!!!
I’m keeping hope, just really struggling. But the things worth doing are always the hardest and always come with challenges and obstacles so I just have to be resilient and persevere! Thank you for commenting and I hope you stick around, your support is so appreciated and your message was beautiful to read! Made my morning so much brighter
Forever-hoping, on 02 Feb 2018 - 03:50 AM, said:
I hope that today goes better for you.
It might just be your body trying to get used to it, it's really good that you are not going down and I think you need to be happy staying the same even if you are not going up. Staying the same is still a massive achievement.
Don't worry at all about replying; we are all here to support you, we do not require an answer xxx <3
It is actually so hard to maintain when I feel like this, but I know that losing more only leads to feeling worse (if that’s possible), I’m keeping hope, just really struggling at the moment but I’ve come to realise that the things worth doing are always the hardest, with a massive amount of challenges and obstacles, and the only way I can live a better life is to keep on the right path and at least maintain!
Your support is so persistent, I feel so grateful, and safe when I see you’ve commented, because it feels like I always have someone there so spur me along and send me love! I love you so much and if I can ever return the favour please let me know
dyingdarling, on 01 Feb 2018 - 11:27 PM, said:
I am too high to write a coherent response right now. But I love u
This made me laugh, which made me feel a lil better so thank you for the beautiful message and I hope you had fun getting high
love you too just.another.wintergirl, on 31 Jan 2018 - 9:21 PM, said:
I basically binge read this for over 12 hours and damn. I’ve cried several times while reading this and it hurts me to see you going through all this. You ARE enough. You ARE worth it. You DESERVE recovery. I hope you can pull through and get better from this illness. You have so many people that love and care for you. Gonna follow this. Please take care of yourself lovely.
Wow, I didn’t know that my accountability could bring someone to tears multiple times. If you don’t mind me asking, what we’re you crying about my love?
Thank you for the amazing words of encouragement, and the clear love and support, you’re fucking beautiful for reading my whole long and probably boring thread and sticking around to comment such a lovely comment! I will take care of myself. In the past two and a bit weeks I’ve learned that I do deserve to be happy and to LIVE a FUCKING HAPPY LIFE, so I will try really hard to look after myself today and every day
Look forward to getting to know you and I love you already, you seem like such a gorgeous person, a truly beautiful soul
dyingdarling, on 01 Feb 2018 - 12:12 AM, said:
Nah don't worry about me. I'm toughened up by life and I know that every setback is temporary, every pain will pass. (If you could magically get me a job I'd worship you lmao, but really there's nothing you could help me with)
Anyways, yes, I'm ok. I had a bad weekend but I'm on the rebound now and soo glad to hear you're thinking more clearly, that's such a good sign that you're doing the right thing! I bet you feel awesome with that extra energy.
I'm sorry you've been struggling the past few days but just remind yourself it will pass ok? Focus on the future and all the reasons you're trying to treat yourself better. What's that saying about how a journey is just a series of steps? Idr. But my point is, you can only take one step at a time. But every step matters and moves you forward and maybe eventually you will get some momentum too and find that things get a little bit easier. Like a runner's high of life.
I feel like a hypocrite because I'm relapsing and not listening to my own advice. Practice what you preach, right? But in the past I have been "recovering" and it took a long long time for me to be ok with it and accept it. I had lots of freakouts and backslides and that's ok. One day doesn't determine things- neither does a week or a month. You just gotta keep your goals strong in your mind and you'll be ok (yes I know you aren't "recovering" but I've never really maintained or gained purposefully for any other reason so that's just my experience)
Oh, and one more thing- fuck those people. They will trash anyone/anything and it really has nothing to do with you. They're just bitter and taking it out on strangers because its anonymous and safe. I can't lie, I've totally picked on people online before just because I was in a mood. ButI have an account on imgur with a disclaimer in my profile that tells people what I use it for at least. And I don't pick on people who are already down, mostly pick fights with people who have hateful politics and the like.
If you let it get to you, the idiots win. Don't give em the satisfaction of it. They can't REALLY do anything to hurt you. All they can do is run their mouths, and well we have a surplus (I USED THE WORD) of people like that in the world.
I am moving forward, away from the negativity of those people and towards a brighter future, and never pick fights because it’s not worth the effort and always ends up messy with a billion consequences and everyone ends up feeling shitty
I know you may think your a hypocrite for giving me this advice but I guess we’re all in different places, and we have EDs, and sometimes they win and sometimes they lose. This relapse your in is the stage you’re at and what you can cope with at the moment, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? All we can do is try our best every day to look after ourselves as much as possible and sometimes it’s just not possible and I’m not gonna judge you for struggling because I’m struggling too! It may be under different circumstances but struggling nonetheless. I just hope your happy? And at least semi looking after yourself?
Im sorry you had a crappy weekend but I’m glad to hear you’re on the rebound and as much as I wish I could help you get a job, I know I’d be no help hahah, I’m jobless too so my advice is shit
Love you so much ❤️
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Advanced Warrior
Posted 02 February 2018 - 07:02 PM
Ughh, I'm sorry you're having a bad time right now!
I encourage you to remember that this doesn't invalidate your progress (or you, for that matter). Mental disorders are goddamn terrible, and sometimes we need other people to remind us that what our minds tell us isn't the truth - so here I am, reminding you that you are LOVELY. And you're not alone - ever. We're here for you, sugar, and we believe in you!!
#1602 Guest_RemusLupin_*
- Guests
Posted 02 February 2018 - 10:50 PM
hey.
you can do this. i know i've been obnoxious and unmindful before (mostly because i've been hella drunk and placing my hopes on you), but i see your efforts are paying off and you're gonna be ok! i believe in you. the efforts you are making are so admirable, much greater and braver than most people i see on this forum, including myself. you are a very strong and intelligent individual. your heart is is in the right place, never mind where your mind is. you obviously want a better quality of life and that is very near to you right now!
it makes me happy to see you trying and thriving. all that bloat weight is bullshit. food weight will mess you up. perhaps try weighing yourself just once a week? that will promise you a "real" weight that's free of food and water weight. whatever feels comfortable and not triggering.
tl;dr i really believe that you want to get less sick. and i firmly believe that out of how many MPA people i follow, you are first on the list to fucken MURDER it! you're so amazing! so far i really admire your drive. i love the 180 you've made in the face of your disorder, that's such a hard thing to do. if you've made it this far, tyou can press through. hard times, bumps in te road will come. but you can do it because *I* believe that you want it.
<3 girl you got this. as long as it takes, you got this. you show a great deal of strength and willpower.
#1603
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Sage
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Posted 03 February 2018 - 02:56 AM
Calories consumed: 1,120
Tdee: 1,100
Surplus: 20
I tried really hard today, I’m going back to school soon so I just kept telling myself to rest and eat and conserve the energy for school and brain function. It was really tough but I was tougher!
First day over maintenance in ages, even though I seem to gain regardless of my intake
I know it’s only 20 over but I planned to exercise later and just now decided not to, so keeping myself 20 over was a massive deal/step for me
Thank you for the influx of support as usual guys, love you all to pieces
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#1605
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Posted 03 February 2018 - 12:13 PM
https://uploads.tapa...e8004f30687.jpg
https://uploads.tapa...e1792009664.jpg
Replies
maybenottoday, on 03 Feb 2018 - 06:32 AM, said:
LoVE YOU! Yesterday would never have been so special or gone so smoothly without seeing your face and getting beautiful rat-related photosLove love love you gorgeous girl
Málk, on 02 Feb 2018 - 10:50 PM, said:
That message is so fucking beautiful, you almost moved me to tears, I can’t believe your faith in me to actually get better and the words you wrote not only inspired and motivated me to keep striving but made me realise how far I’ve come already and be proud of myself. I know that in the last 15 days I haven’t done an amazingly perfect 180 to gaining and positivity from negativity and losing but I have stayed strong and kept trying! And a lot of the motivation I’ve gotten to keep going has come from you and others so thank you for always having my backhey.
you can do this. i know i've been obnoxious and unmindful before (mostly because i've been hella drunk and placing my hopes on you), but i see your efforts are paying off and you're gonna be ok! i believe in you. the efforts you are making are so admirable, much greater and braver than most people i see on this forum, including myself. you are a very strong and intelligent individual. your heart is is in the right place, never mind where your mind is. you obviously want a better quality of life and that is very near to you right now!
it makes me happy to see you trying and thriving. all that bloat weight is bullshit. food weight will mess you up. perhaps try weighing yourself just once a week? that will promise you a "real" weight that's free of food and water weight. whatever feels comfortable and not triggering.
tl;dr i really believe that you want to get less sick. and i firmly believe that out of how many MPA people i follow, you are first on the list to fucken MURDER it! you're so amazing! so far i really admire your drive. i love the 180 you've made in the face of your disorder, that's such a hard thing to do. if you've made it this far, tyou can press through. hard times, bumps in te road will come. but you can do it because *I* believe that you want it.
Your compliments are too sweet though, I’m gonna be blushing all day
I like your idea to weigh myself once week, I think I will from now on for a better piece of mind and a more accurate reading! Thanks for the suggestion lovely
Love you so much my beautiful, feel free to message me if you ever want someone to talk to and I can’t wait to keep talking to you on my accountability, your help and support means so much to me
ZannaTries, on 02 Feb 2018 - 7:02 PM, said:
Thank you so much, it’s nice to know I’m not alone, and that even when I isolate myself I have this beautiful community here behind me and supporting me! You’re so awesome and thoughtful to leave this beautiful comment, it really brightened my morning! Love you and your messages gahhhhUghh, I'm sorry you're having a bad time right now!
I encourage you to remember that this doesn't invalidate your progress (or you, for that matter). Mental disorders are goddamn terrible, and sometimes we need other people to remind us that what our minds tell us isn't the truth - so here I am, reminding you that you are LOVELY. And you're not alone - ever. We're here for you, sugar, and we believe in you!!
#1606
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Sage
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Posted 03 February 2018 - 03:06 PM
Where are the flowers from?
I'm very glad to hear of your small surplus xx
As for your last reply, talking via email is more than enough, we're supporting each other. It's lovely to talk to you properly.
Lots of love xx
HW: 198 (20/05/20) LW: ~120-125 CW: 186 (06/06/20)
GW1: 185
GW2: 180
GW3: 175
GW4: 170
GW5: 165
GW6: 160
UGW: 130
Control Freak Club - personal accountability: https://www.myproana...-accountability
#1607
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- 6427 posts
Omniscient
Posted 03 February 2018 - 06:26 PM
love your painted toes! I used to paint my nails and toes with intricate patterns, but then they would get chipped because i'm also an artist so they would chip very quickly. they looked nice for a day, well my toes stayed pretty for a while, just my nails chipped. oh well. yours look pretty <3
#1608
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Sage
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Posted 04 February 2018 - 11:01 AM
Calories consumed = 1,160
Tdee: 1,160
Maintenance
——————————
School tomorrow, cried and had a lil breakdown but I’m turning my nervous anxiety into excitement and taking the day by the hour!
——————————
Replies
uponanaswings, on 03 Feb 2018 - 6:26 PM, said:
I got a pedicure, so I got them done professionally shellac. It was pretty expensive but I got to sit in a massage chair and get pampered! We also got facial, it was such a fun girls day.love your painted toes! I used to paint my nails and toes with intricate patterns, but then they would get chipped because i'm also an artist so they would chip very quickly. they looked nice for a day, well my toes stayed pretty for a while, just my nails chipped. oh well. yours look pretty <3
So you probably shouldn’t compare your nail painting skills to the professional who did mine bro! Thanks for the compliment, I love them too!
“Forever-hoping” said
Thanks, I just had them painted yesterday!Gosh. You look small. Painted toes look amazing though!
Where are the flowers from?
I’m very glad to hear of your small surplus xx
As for your last reply, talking via email is more than enough, we're supporting each other. It's lovely to talk to you properly.
Lots of love xx
The followers are fresh from a local market we go to to get our fresh produce, mum loves to buy organic for her and dad as much as possible
Sorry I’m a shitty email-er
I tend to get so swept up in my head that I can’t type coherent replies a lot of the time but I’m absolutely adoring talking to you and getting to know you. You’re such a beautiful soul, truly beautifulThank you so much for being patient with me and for all your gorgeous messages and support, love you
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#1609
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Omniscient
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Posted 04 February 2018 - 03:54 PM
You are looking slender and amazing! It makes me so happy to read about what you are doing lately . Sending lots of smiles to you always.
#1610
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Sage
- LocationAustralia
Posted 04 February 2018 - 10:10 PM
Calories consumed: 820
Tdee: 1,140
Deficit: 320
School was unbelievably tiring
Could not function
Couldn’t even walk from class to class by the end
Taking the next two weeks off
May fail again
I’m going to end up nothing and no one
Trying to maintain tomorrow
Feel like I should just die and stop burdening my parents so much and die now
All I’m doing is tricking them
What? I’m disgusting
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#1611
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Posted 04 February 2018 - 10:13 PM
In-a-cloud, on 04 Feb 2018 - 3:54 PM, said:
Not really helpful when I’m trying to gain. Slender and amazing now = grosser and fatter by the day = disgusting worthless piece of shitYou are looking slender and amazing! It makes me so happy to read about what you are doing lately
I know this wasn’t your intention when you posted this comment because you’ve been such an amazing support and I love you so much! But at the stage that I am at, my eating disorder latches onto anything it can find, and these are the thoughts that to come to mind every time someone tells me I look good or comment on my body. I know it’s not you and not your intention or fault at all and I know I should probably stop overreacting to everything, but I’m feeling really vulnerable at the moment so pretty much everything triggers me into meltdown mode
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#1612
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Advanced Guru
Posted 04 February 2018 - 11:02 PM
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#1613 Guest_Vitrola_*
- Guests
Posted 04 February 2018 - 11:16 PM
Im sorry you had a crappy day! Hope that tomorrow youll feel better, just dont let the negative thoughts fill you up! keep your hope up, you can do this and a lot more!
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#1614
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Posted 05 February 2018 - 11:40 AM
StrungOut, on 04 Feb 2018 - 11:02 PM, said:
That sucks. I'm sorry. You've already come a long way strength-wise since a few days ago when your dad was carrying you around and it was a struggle just to get to the restroom. So please don't give up hope! You can do this! Can they give you any work to complete at home for the next 2 weeks? Btw, you looked slender and amazing at whatever you were at the beginning of this thread. And skeletal from 14ish down so...lots of wiggle room. Didn't your family used to freak out when you went down to 15? At least you may have changed (wharped, haha) their perspective now so if you can ever get back up to 13 or 14, they will probably be overjoyed. Funny how everything is relative...
The teachers said they’ll try to send me work and not to worry about attendance for now so that’s awesome, I’ll just to to the work that I need to do to pass the next two weeks from home rather than stressing myself out and having multiple breakdowns at school every day. You are completely right about my family used to freak out going down to 15, now I think they would just be happy if I can get to the stage where I can walk around and function well again rather than being a lethargic couch potato who can’t do anything for myself and can’t go to school. Thanks for making me feel better, I kinda got a bit upset over the comment that I look slender and the eating disorder kind of took it and I feel like I shouldn’t gain anymore because I look so ‘good’ the way i am now but I know that wasn’t their intention. Anyway, love you I hope you’re doing okay? I would love to hear how you’re going! Thanks again for your support and advice, you’re a legend
“Vitrola” said
Im sorry you had a crappy day! Hope that tomorrow youll feel better, just dont let the negative thoughts fill you up! keep your hope up, you can do this and a lot more!
I think that you are 100% right about today being less negative because I reduced all of the stress and now I feel a lot more calm and relaxed and able to function! Love you for always keeping my optimism alive and thank you so much for the support my love
#1615
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Sage
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Posted 05 February 2018 - 02:47 PM
32.3kg // BMI 11.8
Goal for now: maintain
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#1616
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Posted 05 February 2018 - 07:32 PM
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#1617
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Posted 06 February 2018 - 04:18 AM
Calories consumed: 1,100
Tdee: 1,100
Maintenance
Seeing a therapist tomorrow, gonna be open and honest and I have hope that if I give it a fair chance it may help... we’ll have to wait n see
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#1618
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Advanced Warrior
- LocationNorth America
Posted 06 February 2018 - 04:21 AM
OT, but your feetsies are adorable
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#1619
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Sage
- LocationUK
Posted 06 February 2018 - 08:59 AM
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HW: 198 (20/05/20) LW: ~120-125 CW: 186 (06/06/20)
GW1: 185
GW2: 180
GW3: 175
GW4: 170
GW5: 165
GW6: 160
UGW: 130
Control Freak Club - personal accountability: https://www.myproana...-accountability
#1620
- Accountability access
- 957 posts
Sage
- LocationAustralia
Posted 06 February 2018 - 11:56 AM
Got 4 hours of sleep last night
Hope it helps with my insomnia and anxiety
Trying to be honest and open in my therapy appointment today, finally decided I needed to see someone... hope it goes well, I’m going to give it my all and tell her as much as I can and be as open as possible
If anyone has any Oxazepam experience or knowledge I’d love to know!
Replies
In-a-cloud, on 05 Feb 2018 - 7:32 PM, said:
I’m not offended hun, I love you, please don’t leave I was just being a bitch and was in a dark place! Don’t take my shittiness to heart, you’re such a beautiful supportive soul and I’d be crushed to know I hurt you in any way, I’m SO SORRY FOR MY comPLETE OVERREACTIONIm so sorry. I definitely understand your point. No worries. Take care.
I’m an idiotSuzie_, on 06 Feb 2018 - 04:21 AM, said:
Omg I LOVE YOU HAHAHAHAHAOT, but your feetsies are adorable
This made my day, feetsies
Forever-hoping, on 06 Feb 2018 - 08:59 AM, said:
Lots of love back and thank you so much for congratulating me for not being an idiot for once and having a stupid deficit, I really need to pull myself together and focus on my future! Love you endlessly and your support means the world my gorgeousLots of love. Well done for a maintenence day xxx
hope you’re doing well? Xx- Accountability access
- 1020 posts
Sage
- LocationUK
Posted 28 January 2018 - 10:44 AM
Katy22, on 28 Jan 2018 - 07:16 AM, said:
Why havent you been admitted I've been sectioned 3 times and admitted to mental health/eating disorders 4 times in the last 3 years. Not having ago just wondering why the NHS is letting children get this way! X
Also. She is from Australia and I think their health care system is slightly different?
I may be wrong though!
HW: 198 (20/05/20) LW: ~120-125 CW: 186 (06/06/20)
GW1: 185
GW2: 180
GW3: 175
GW4: 170
GW5: 165
GW6: 160
UGW: 130
Control Freak Club - personal accountability: https://www.myproana...-accountability
#1562
- Accountability access
- 957 posts
Sage
- LocationAustralia
Posted 28 January 2018 - 10:52 AM
Starduss, on 28 Jan 2018 - 01:10 AM, said:
You seem to be in an awesome head space right now. That's great. Sometimes, for me anyway, the irrational mind game symptoms are way worse the physical symptoms. I'm glad to see that you're doing a little better
I feel pretty great which I was not expecting and I’m really grateful, thanks so much for sticking around through all my bullshit, your such a constant support! Love you
isabeIIa, on 27 Jan 2018 - 10:17 PM, said:
i’m so pissed after reading what those anonymous cowards have said about you. that must’ve been devastating to read.
please remember that those people have ugly souls and you don’t!!
of course we won’t be mad if you come back.
much love. xxx
Aw this is so sweet, your very sassy
thank you for your mutual outrage, it’s nice to feel like I wasn’t not overreacting too much when I got really upset by it. Thankyou for taking me back despite the way I’ve been acting lately, you’re so lovely much love backSelwatscha, on 28 Jan 2018 - 01:10 AM, said:
I'm so sorry you had to deal with online shit. That sucks so much! Honestly anyone who thinks they have the right to bitch and moan are in the wrong. You deserve so much better!
I totally get the "I'm leaving - I'm staying" part. It's like "flaky" is my second name!
I'm glad you are feeling better, eating more and feeling the benefits of it! You're a beautiful soul and worth a million of those who does you. Keep it up beautiful. You're stronger than you know
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
I like to refer to myself as consistently inconsistent
thank you for your support and lovely message, love you Katy22, on 28 Jan 2018 - 07:16 AM, said:
Why havent you been admitted I've been sectioned 3 times and admitted to mental health/eating disorders 4 times in the last 3 years. Not having ago just wondering why the NHS is letting children get this way! X
I think it’s because my parents haven’t pursued it, I haven’t been linked into any doctors that weigh me and the hospital is under the impression that my weight is a lot higher than it it? We did get letters saying they would try to help us get into clinics and things like that but I don’t know if I would be sectioned if they knew my real weight or not and to be honest I’d rather be kept in the dark because it’s a pretty scary thought. I’ve been hospitalised many times but that was always because my parents pushed them to take me and drove me in etc.
Welcome to my accountability btw!
lighterthanever, on 28 Jan 2018 - 10:35 AM, said:
She's not a child...
Sassy
Consolation, on 27 Jan 2018 - 11:20 AM, said:
I messaged you back ages ago but MPA messenger is glitchy! I tried to text you as well but apparently my phone doesn’t do overseasHi,
I just wanted to let you know that although you said you did receive my message a few days ago including my phone number and you replied, I didn´t receive your reply back. Stupid glitches!!!
Especially as you decided to leave this thread for a while. But you have my phone number, I guess, so if you want to talk to me, if you need medical advice (unless it´s an emergency), if you want some emotional support - I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU. Please remember that! <3
Concerning your post I quoted above: I think this is a good decision you´ve made. I loved to read your posts and to know whether you are okay, but I can also see the disadvantages that come with keeping a public accountability like this. I think re-connecting to the "real world" and your irl friends is a wonderful goal and I am sure you can do it! I also think you have a point in saying that listing all the things you consumed might be counterproductive in the end.
In the past there were long periods stayed away from MPA entirely and honestly, these were mostly the best times in my life as I focussed on other things and didn´t feel the need to go here to distract myself o find comfort. Every time my ED gets worse, I come back and then it´s very comforting to have this community, don´t get me wrong - I love MPA!!! And many of its members! But I really wish I wouldn´t need it as I learned that it correlates with the severity of my depression, anxiety and ED and I am not sure to what extend the effects of MPA are positive or negative on all of these aspects.
Sending you love! <3 Xx
I would love to add you on Snapchat if you have it? We could talk there if you message me your name!
Your support is so fucking amazing, I would love to get to know you! I agree, MPA can worsen mental health but also provide a safe haven and reassurance that you’re not alone in this so it’s always a gamble and I’m glad that when we take breaks and listen to our needs it seems to improve things, love you!
Forever-hoping, on 28 Jan 2018 - 07:10 AM, said:
Messaged you back! You sent me 9 messagesSeriously. That is so so awful, that is the kind of thing that makes me lose hope that some people can ever be nice.
I am so shocked and sorry that happened to you had to put up with that.
I tried to send you a PM cos there's some stuff I wanted to say, but I can't get my messenger to work!
I would love your phone number! You’re always there for me and that message was beyond gorgeous, you’re so fucking support and selfless, I hope we can grow a friendship and learn to be mutually and equally supportive of eachother! - lighterthanever likes this
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#1563
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Posted 28 January 2018 - 11:05 AM
Um. Oops.
I kept saying that the message did not send.
Anyway, have probably about 6 of the same messages and 3 of me getting more and more annoyed.
My messenger is not working, I can't see anything in my inbox. I'm over the sea from you as well so texting won't work. I'll message you my email (as you are getting my PMs), and if you email me then we can go from there?
Lots of love xx
p.s. I'll only send it once this time!
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HW: 198 (20/05/20) LW: ~120-125 CW: 186 (06/06/20)
GW1: 185
GW2: 180
GW3: 175
GW4: 170
GW5: 165
GW6: 160
UGW: 130
Control Freak Club - personal accountability: https://www.myproana...-accountability
#1564
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Sage
- LocationAustralia
Posted 28 January 2018 - 01:20 PM
Forever-hoping, on 28 Jan 2018 - 11:05 AM, said:
Sounds like a plan! I sent you an emailUm. Oops.
I kept saying that the message did not send.
Anyway, have probably about 6 of the same messages and 3 of me getting more and more annoyed.
My messenger is not working, I can't see anything in my inbox. I'm over the sea from you as well so texting won't work. I'll message you my email (as you are getting my PMs), and if you email me then we can go from there?
Lots of love xx
p.s. I'll only send it once this time!
I don’t mind, I saw the notification that I had 9 unread messages and just thought I was just really popular for a minute
#1565
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Sage
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Posted 28 January 2018 - 11:43 PM
Calories consumed: 1,080
Tdee: 1,280
Deficit: 200
Today was good but I weighed in at 32.2kg / BMI 11.8 and um I don’t know how that’s possible, may be bloating or something? I don’t know
#1566
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Advanced Guru
Posted 29 January 2018 - 12:55 AM
Now that you are exercising again, your muscles are retaining water again. Not that you'd want to, but if you take a total rest day you'll lose that stored water. I'm pretty sure, but then again I'm just a violinist so please take that with a grain of salt!
😊
#1567
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Posted 29 January 2018 - 03:38 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 28 Jan 2018 - 11:43 PM, said:
I am so glad to see you're doing well with your eating plan!Today’s totals: 29/1/18
Calories consumed: 1,080
Tdee: 1,280
Deficit: 200
Today was good but I weighed in at 32.2kg / BMI 11.8 and um I don’t know how that’s possible, may be bloating or something? I don’t know
Well, the increase in weight could happen for several different reasons, one of them being bloating, of course. Do you think you have maybe been consuming too many salty foods so your body's retaining too much water at the moment? Or maybe eaten something that your stomach can't process normally?
Oh, I might have missed it somewhere in the thread so pardon me in advance, but I wanted to ask how much more weight are you planning to gain? Or, in other words, what is your maintaining weight and BMI goal?
I remember you said that you are only trying to get to a maintainable enough weight, so I was wondering what would that be in your case? As in, what is your lowest functional weight, in terms of being able to run errands and study (and work, if you are gonna do that too)?
To illustrate, in my case, at 5'7" and 26 years old, I noticed that my lowest maintainable weight, for the same reasons, would be 92 lbs - which is why I also recently made it my UGW. I am currently at BMI 17.4 (~ 110 lbs), but aiming for BMI 14.5 to achieve in less than 5 months from now.
I have to say over and over again, I really admire your progress and willpower for keeping your body going, and I have never met someone who is strongwilled like you are tbh. I want you to be as happy and functional as you can <3
#1568
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Sage
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Posted 29 January 2018 - 05:18 AM
StrungOut, on 29 Jan 2018 - 12:55 AM, said:
Totally could be that, I really hope so man, thanks for giving me hopeI'm glad things have calmed down a bit. Still horrified about that whole internet fiasco...
Now that you are exercising again, your muscles are retaining water again. Not that you'd want to, but if you take a total rest day you'll lose that stored water. I'm pretty sure, but then again I'm just a violinist so please take that with a grain of salt!
Yeah, fiasco sounds about right... thanks for your support!
I absolutely adore the sound of a violin, i’m sure you play beautifully!
“CuteThinPizza” said
Maybe it’s a food weight and bloat mix, my digestive system and bowels probably aren’t used having to process so much food or calories yet?I am so glad to see you're doing well with your eating plan!
Well, the increase in weight could happen for several different reasons, one of them being bloating, of course. Do you think you have maybe been consuming too many salty foods so your body's retaining too much water at the moment? Or maybe eaten something that your stomach can't process normally?
Oh, I might have missed it somewhere in the thread so pardon me in advance, but I wanted to ask how much more weight are you planning to gain? Or, in other words, what is your maintaining weight and BMI goal?
I remember you said that you are only trying to get to a maintainable enough weight, so I was wondering what would that be in your case? As in, what is your lowest functional weight, in terms of being able to run errands and study (and work, if you are gonna do that too)?
To illustrate, in my case, at 5'7" and 26 years old, I noticed that my lowest maintainable weight, for the same reasons, would be 92 lbs - which is why I also recently made it my UGW. I am currently at BMI 17.4 (~ 110 lbs), but aiming for BMI 14.5 to achieve in less than 5 months from now.
I have to say over and over again, I really admire your progress and willpower for keeping your body going, and I have never met someone who is strongwilled like you are tbh. I want you to be as happy and functional as you can <3
I think I will make it to 32.8kg // BMI 12.0 at least as my short-term goals, maybe go up to BMI 12.6ish after that when I feel comfortable? To be honest I’m kind of just taking it day by day, coping the best I can in my situation. I’m liking all of the physical health related improvements a lot so maybe once I feel good enough to function at school, function well and not get stared at all the time I’ll stop gaining !
Good luck on your weight loss quest!
And thank you so much for the beautiful compliments!
#1569
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Sage
- LocationUK
Posted 29 January 2018 - 09:32 AM
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HW: 198 (20/05/20) LW: ~120-125 CW: 186 (06/06/20)
GW1: 185
GW2: 180
GW3: 175
GW4: 170
GW5: 165
GW6: 160
UGW: 130
Control Freak Club - personal accountability: https://www.myproana...-accountability
#1570
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Sage
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Posted 29 January 2018 - 03:41 PM
Calories consumed: 1,080
Tdee: 1,100
Deficit: 20
Posting early because I have planned today out and I want to post my thoughts because I have fucking missed this accountability so much
Back down to 31.8kg // BMI 11.6
My weight is so all over the place lately, it’s so unpredictable and its making it hard for me to justify eating more because some days I’ll be up by some crazy amount and back down the next and aah I just don’t know, as you can tell my thoughts are currently a mess! Now not only am I consistently inconsistent and always confused but so is my weight... yay...
Physically and mentally feel fucking awesome, relationships are so strong and I’ve finally gained my parents trust and I see the love and pride in their eyes all day long because they know how hard I’m trying and the fact I’m actually making tangible progress not only on the scale but physically and mentally
Like, we have such deep conversations now because I can actually think
I have full feeling in all of my limbs now
My face no longer sags/ticks/irritates me
I can walk and move with ease and don’t get winded or dizzy easily
And so many other amazing things!
Loving the place I’m in and I’m starting to actually get excited to live my life, because I think that I can make it... and school on Monday is the first step to starting my future
I’m really excited for school, and I am going to take it day by day, trying and fighting and being strong not only in my recovery but in my schooling. I have hope, probably for the first time in my life, that I can lead a life worth living. The love I want to live. The life I... deserve?
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#1571
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Sage
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Posted 29 January 2018 - 03:45 PM
I'm so glad that you feel all those good feelings and it must be such a relief to not be dizzy whenever you try and do stuff. I'm so proud.
Have a fantastic day out today. What are you doing? Lots of love xx
HW: 198 (20/05/20) LW: ~120-125 CW: 186 (06/06/20)
GW1: 185
GW2: 180
GW3: 175
GW4: 170
GW5: 165
GW6: 160
UGW: 130
Control Freak Club - personal accountability: https://www.myproana...-accountability
#1574 Guest_ShakyLittleLeaf_*
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Posted 30 January 2018 - 02:55 PM
#1575
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Sage
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Posted 30 January 2018 - 10:08 PM
Calories consumed: 1,040
Tdee: 1,260
Deficit: 220
—————————
Tough day, mentally felt like absolute shit
Yay
Drank 6L of Pepsi max... I don’t know why
—————————
Replies
Forever-hoping, on 29 Jan 2018 - 3:45 PM, said:
Yeah, yesterday was pretty awesome!You sound very upbeat about it today.
I'm so glad that you feel all those good feelings and it must be such a relief to not be dizzy whenever you try and do stuff. I'm so proud.
Have a fantastic day out today. What are you doing? Lots of love xx
I just watched movies! I need to get a hobby...
uponanaswings, on 29 Jan 2018 - 4:33 PM, said:
I love to hear from you as always, especially your last post <3 keep swimming!
StrungOut, on 30 Jan 2018 - 08:06 AM, said:
Aw man! You’re such a sweetieSo happy to read that post! You deserve a good day so much (days!) after everything you've been through.
ShakyLittleLeaf, on 30 Jan 2018 - 2:55 PM, said:
Your words are beautiful, every day is different and I’ve been having ups and downs but the ups and downs are less extreme lately which is awesome! I love you so much for caring, you deserve to find true happiness too and I fucking hope with all my heart that if you don’t already have it, that you find itTrust me, after fighting for as long and hard as you have been against this illness, you deserve every happiness imaginable. You really do. I hope you continue to feel better and better both mentally and physically so you can achieve that life you imagine <3
#1577
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Lord Heisenburg
- LocationSydney Australia
Posted 30 January 2018 - 10:21 PM
hope you feel better soon
also I'm not ignoring your texts aha I just ran out of credit last night and will get.some tomorrow mwaa
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I have a youtube channel too!
subscribe if ya want
(going to upload videos soon!.. more ed content and random shit)
https://www.youtube....w_as=subscriber
"Heis,
You are you,
Perfection and goals,
How I long to see you be whole" - S'mores
#1578
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Sage
- LocationUK
Posted 31 January 2018 - 03:19 AM
HW: 198 (20/05/20) LW: ~120-125 CW: 186 (06/06/20)
GW1: 185
GW2: 180
GW3: 175
GW4: 170
GW5: 165
GW6: 160
UGW: 130
Control Freak Club - personal accountability: https://www.myproana...-accountability
#1579
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- 6427 posts
Omniscient
Posted 31 January 2018 - 04:37 AM
there will be bad days, but they don't take away your good days or the progress that you've made. that's just how it is. ups and downs. I believe you will get through it <3
- Accountability access
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Omniscient
- LocationUSA
Posted 06 February 2018 - 12:14 PM
. It's fine. I promise that it's reassuring to me that you are able to be authentic with me and state how you feel about something I said. It speaks of you as a person in a good way. Please don't even think about it anymore. We're good!!#1622 Guest_Vitrola_*
- Guests
Posted 06 February 2018 - 09:36 PM
They helped me sleep and be more calmed.. The only thing i hated was that i was sleepy most of the time but not to the point that i couldnt stay awake
Talking to someone its going to make you feel waay better, you are so brave by going to a therapist!
Hope you are having a good day💕
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#1623
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- 957 posts
Sage
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Posted 06 February 2018 - 10:50 PM
Calories consumed: 1,000
Tdee: 1,160
Deficit: 160
Today was the anniversary of Black Saturday, and the death of many many loved ones. Needless to say the whole day was charged with emotion...
I didn’t hate therapy, have another appointment tomorrow. Today was more of a ‘tell me everything and we’ll figure out where to go from here’ sort of session and I think the main things she said that we were focusing on lessening self hate, panic attacks and attention seeking.
I think I want to stay sick so people pay attention and worry about me because as a kid when I was chubby and friendless and I was either being severely bullied or completely isolated and ignored....
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#1624
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Omniscient
Posted 07 February 2018 - 04:01 PM
i've been on and tried a lot of meds, but no experience with that one. I hope it helps you.
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#1626 Guest_caged_bird_*
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Posted 08 February 2018 - 01:34 AM
Following! You seem to have a very nice personality and a very strong willpower! Hope you are having a good day
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#1627
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Sage
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Posted 08 February 2018 - 03:10 AM
Hard day
Suicide attempt
Self harm
Taking a year off school if I ever go back
Ate so much
Hate
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#1628 Guest_caged_bird_*
- Guests
Posted 08 February 2018 - 03:15 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 08 Feb 2018 - 03:10 AM, said:
Maintaining
Hard day
Suicide attempt
Self harm
Taking a year off school if I ever go back
Ate so much
Hate
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad! Hang in there. This must be really hard for you, but use that frickin' strong willpower of yours to push through this crap! You are a beautiful young woman struggling with a horrible mental illness, which is not part of you. It is not you. You are just experiencing it. I hope things get better for you!
*passes virtual hug through screen*
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#1629 Guest_ShakyLittleLeaf_*
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Posted 08 February 2018 - 03:59 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 08 Feb 2018 - 03:10 AM, said:
I wish I could give you a hug. Man I don't know what else to say except I'm so sorry and I'm here if you need literally anything at all <3 You're doing the right thing, okay? It's probably the hardest thing anyone could ever have to do, but it's right.Maintaining
Hard day
Suicide attempt
Self harm
Taking a year off school if I ever go back
Ate so much
Hate
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#1630
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- 6427 posts
Omniscient
Posted 08 February 2018 - 04:44 AM
wow, i'm so sorry to hear you are struggling so much. please know i'm here for you and thinking of you, as always <3
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#1631
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Sage
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Posted 08 February 2018 - 07:16 AM
I love you so much and I wish you could know how valuable you are.
Send strength and lots of love to help you through the next day.
Please try to stay with us xxxxx
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HW: 198 (20/05/20) LW: ~120-125 CW: 186 (06/06/20)
GW1: 185
GW2: 180
GW3: 175
GW4: 170
GW5: 165
GW6: 160
UGW: 130
Control Freak Club - personal accountability: https://www.myproana...-accountability
#1632
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Omniscient
- LocationUSA
Posted 08 February 2018 - 01:59 PM
I'm sorry it's rough.
It makes me feel relieved to see your updates though. Thank you for posting to let us know you're ok.
Please keep on keeping on.
Love and light to you.
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#1633
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- 729 posts
Advanced Guru
Posted 08 February 2018 - 02:07 PM
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aspen |20|they/them|non binary|
u p d a t e d ; feb 18th 2022
jul 5th 2022
height; 5'1.5 [~156cm]
current weight;166.2 165.6 ???? [been bingeing the last week or so]
probs around 175
starting weight;169.8 [jan 2022]
highest weight;176
goal weight one;170
goal weight two;165
goal weight three;160
goal weight four;155
goal weight five;150
goal weight six;146
goal weight seven;140
goal weight eight;132
goal weight nine;124
goal weight ten;112
goal weight eleven;105
goal weight twelve;100
goal weight thirteen;92
goal weight fourteen;87
u l t i m a t e g o a l
86.
174 173
172 171 170 169 168 167 166 165 164 163
162 161 160 159 158 157 156 155 154 153
152 151 150 149 148 147 146 145 144 143
142 141 140 139 138 137 136 135 134 133
132 131 130 129 128 127 126 125 124 123
122 121 120 119 118 117 116 115 114 113
112 111 110 109 108 107 106 105 104 103
102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95 94 93
92 91 90 89 88 87 86
#1634
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Advanced Guru
Posted 08 February 2018 - 02:30 PM
I love you already. You’re such a sweet,kind,amazing and beautiful person. It may be rough but you can get through this. We will always be by your side through it all. I hope you have an amazing day love, and know if you ever need to talk you can always message me. Send you good vibes and always thinking of you.
I love you so so much
-Addie
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aspen |20|they/them|non binary|
u p d a t e d ; feb 18th 2022
jul 5th 2022
height; 5'1.5 [~156cm]
current weight;166.2 165.6 ???? [been bingeing the last week or so]
probs around 175
starting weight;169.8 [jan 2022]
highest weight;176
goal weight one;170
goal weight two;165
goal weight three;160
goal weight four;155
goal weight five;150
goal weight six;146
goal weight seven;140
goal weight eight;132
goal weight nine;124
goal weight ten;112
goal weight eleven;105
goal weight twelve;100
goal weight thirteen;92
goal weight fourteen;87
u l t i m a t e g o a l
86.
174 173
172 171 170 169 168 167 166 165 164 163
162 161 160 159 158 157 156 155 154 153
152 151 150 149 148 147 146 145 144 143
142 141 140 139 138 137 136 135 134 133
132 131 130 129 128 127 126 125 124 123
122 121 120 119 118 117 116 115 114 113
112 111 110 109 108 107 106 105 104 103
102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95 94 93
92 91 90 89 88 87 86
#1635
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- 729 posts
Advanced Guru
Posted 08 February 2018 - 02:37 PM
I love you already. You’re such a sweet,kind,amazing and beautiful person. It may be rough but you can get through this. We will always be by your side through it all. I hope you have an amazing day love, and know if you ever need to talk you can always message me. Send you good vibes and always thinking of you.
I love you so so much
-Addie
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- Like This
aspen |20|they/them|non binary|
u p d a t e d ; feb 18th 2022
jul 5th 2022
height; 5'1.5 [~156cm]
current weight;166.2 165.6 ???? [been bingeing the last week or so]
probs around 175
starting weight;169.8 [jan 2022]
highest weight;176
goal weight one;170
goal weight two;165
goal weight three;160
goal weight four;155
goal weight five;150
goal weight six;146
goal weight seven;140
goal weight eight;132
goal weight nine;124
goal weight ten;112
goal weight eleven;105
goal weight twelve;100
goal weight thirteen;92
goal weight fourteen;87
u l t i m a t e g o a l
86.
174 173
172 171 170 169 168 167 166 165 164 163
162 161 160 159 158 157 156 155 154 153
152 151 150 149 148 147 146 145 144 143
142 141 140 139 138 137 136 135 134 133
132 131 130 129 128 127 126 125 124 123
122 121 120 119 118 117 116 115 114 113
112 111 110 109 108 107 106 105 104 103
102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95 94 93
92 91 90 89 88 87 86
#1636
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Sage
- LocationAustralia
Posted 09 February 2018 - 03:54 AM
Calories consumed: 960
Tdee: 1,080
Deficit: 120
I quit Year 12 for good, but I think it’s a good thing
I’m gonna do a barista course at my dads work this year and try to get better before next year because there’s a university that will take me to do a diploma next year and then after two years when I’ve completed that I can do a 4 year degree and eventually maybe at age 25 years old, or if I’m lucky 24 years old, I’d be qualified enough to work as a a registered nurse
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#1637
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- 192 posts
Warrior
Posted 09 February 2018 - 04:44 AM
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#1638
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- 6427 posts
Omniscient
Posted 09 February 2018 - 05:08 AM
you seem to be a bit more optimistic today? hope you are ok. sending you lots of positive vibes <3
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#1639 Guest_caged_bird_*
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Posted 09 February 2018 - 05:36 AM
That's a great goal! And I like your new profile pic 
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#1640
- Accountability access
- 2937 posts
Omniscient
- LocationUSA
Posted 09 February 2018 - 08:00 AM
Idk who wrote this but I used to read it and feel good on some days...You aren't a human being having a spiritual experience, you are a spiritual being having a human experience. I would imagine myself observing things and it would help me somehow, hope it helps you as well .
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Omniscient
- LocationHell
Posted 09 February 2018 - 08:04 AM
The glitch won't let me follow...
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#1642
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Sage
- LocationAustralia
Posted 09 February 2018 - 10:36 PM
Calories consumed: 1,060
Tdee: 1,020
Surplus: 40
Nightmare during my 3.5 hours total of sleep
I was being eaten alive by demons in hell... fun
Love you guys so fucking much, your comments mean the world to me
First surplus in 18 days, over two and a half weeks... don’t know how to feel
Today held multiple breakdowns, I was lethargic as fuck, more self harm, unbearable migraines, crazy screaming and muttering and lots of rocking back and forth
It’s felt 20 days in one but I managed a calorie surplus because I could barely get up, let alone exercise so... yeah
Idk man, I feeel soooo conflicted and beyond exhausted
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#1643
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- 1038 posts
Sage
- Locationgarbageville
Posted 10 February 2018 - 10:20 AM
I'm sorry you're feeling so awful But I'm glad you're taking time out from school, I wish I'd done the same. I just wanted to chime in and say if you're having any anxiety about being a nurse at 24/25 please don't - I went to university later than my friends, took the longer route cos my A Levels were atrocious lol - and it was the best decision of my life. I'm going to be starting my chosen profession probably no earlier than 28 and I wouldn't change a thing, taking time for yourself is so friggin important and even though I'm a stranger on the internet I'm hugely proud of you. <3
#1644
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Sage
- LocationAustralia
Posted 10 February 2018 - 02:39 PM
legalvegan, on 10 Feb 2018 - 10:20 AM, said:
I'm sorry you're feeling so awful
I will have finished uni and got all the qualifications I need by 24/25 because I’d start at 18/19 years old but Im so glad you love the way your life is turning out! High five for listening to yourself and making choices based on what you want, what you can handle and what you can actually do! I’m doing the same and it feels so... right! I’m proud of you right back beautiful
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#1645
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- 957 posts
Sage
- LocationAustralia
Posted 10 February 2018 - 03:33 PM
Only got 4 hours, yesterday was 3.5 and I just want nothing more than to die
Help
How to sleep
Can stop having 6L Pepsi max a day
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#1647 Guest_caged_bird_*
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Posted 10 February 2018 - 05:28 PM
Ack, I haaaate sleep deprivation. Have you tried medication like melatonin? It really helped my insomnia, which in turn actually made my depression a little less horrible.
I sorry you're feeling so bad and conflicted. Hang in there!
#1648
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Posted 11 February 2018 - 01:49 AM
#1649
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Sage
- LocationAustralia
Posted 11 February 2018 - 02:39 AM
Tdee: 1,010
Surplus: 80
Need sleep
Worst day yet
Bruised and cut my face
Stabbed myself in the thigh
Now I can’t walk on it so no exercise
Which make me feel 259999 times worse
Going on a Pepsi detox
I don’t care how hard it is
Threw out my stash
Having none from now on
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#1650
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- 1662 posts
Advanced Sage
Posted 11 February 2018 - 07:42 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 11 Feb 2018 - 02:39 AM, said:
I know this is small but it's helped me out a little bit but lavender oil has helped my quality of Sleep I have a defuser lamp by my bed and one hour before bed I turn it on and let it go though the night it doesn't help me fall asleep but I've found I'm not as restless or up and down as much as when I don't use it. Also valarian root is a supplement that helps sleep but be leery of it as it can cause really weird realistic dreams and in some nightmares.Today’s totals: 1,090
Tdee: 1,010
Surplus: 80
Need sleep
Worst day yet
Bruised and cut my face
Stabbed myself in the thigh
Now I can’t walk on it so no exercise
Which make me feel 259999 times worse
Going on a Pepsi detox
I don’t care how hard it is
Threw out my stash
Having none from now on
Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-J320AZ using Tapatalk
#1651
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Sage
- LocationAustralia
Posted 12 February 2018 - 02:18 AM
Calories consumed: 800
Tdee: 1,120
Deficit: 320
Going in circles
Appointment tomorrow for linking in with help
Medication and weight and what treatment is to be discussed
Going in circles until I die is pointless
Appointment tomorrow at a hospital to get medicine and referrals and shit
Why have I fucked up my life to the stage where I can’t function, quit school, barely leave the house, have no prospects, and depend so solely and heavily on my parents approval and support.
I can’t live like this and they can’t live like this. I can’t live.
May have consider hospital even with the whole having to eat 4,000 calories of disgusting buttery oil and disgusting food because nowhere else will take me at this bmi apparently
I don’t know
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#1652 Guest_caged_bird_*
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Posted 12 February 2018 - 03:01 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 12 Feb 2018 - 02:18 AM, said:
Today’s totals: 12/2/18
Calories consumed: 800
Tdee: 1,120
Deficit: 320
Going in circles
Appointment tomorrow for linking in with help
Medication and weight and what treatment is to be discussed
Going in circles until I die is pointless
Appointment tomorrow at a hospital to get medicine and referrals and shit
Why have I fucked up my life to the stage where I can’t function, quit school, barely leave the house, have no prospects, and depend so solely and heavily on my parents approval and support.
I can’t live like this and they can’t live like this. I can’t live.
May have consider hospital even with the whole having to eat 4,000 calories of disgusting buttery oil and disgusting food because nowhere else will take me at this bmi apparently
I don’t know
I don't know what else to say except two things:
1. Thank you. Thankyou for your openness and courage to honestly tell us what you feel- the ups and the downs. I just binge-read this whole thread and I can honestly say I teared up at multiple points. You are not alone in the pain you're feeling.
2. You deserve to live through this and to see the other side. I know that feeling of conflictedness so well and know how awful it is. You're parents sound like very loving and supportive people and you must feel very glad to have them by your side!
Sending hugs to you! Stay strong and hang on. You seem like a lovely person, and I am thinking of you tomorrow at the appointment. Xx
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#1653
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Advanced Guru
Posted 12 February 2018 - 12:40 PM
Everyday I am so proud of you for every choice you make to live, to eat, to relax, to go to therapy and talk to your parents because it means you're going to be okay and that's all I want for you because you deserve the world I know I say this a lot but it's always true.
I am extremely glad that your suicide attempt thankfully didn't kill you, you know how that would destroy me, your family, friends, everyone here and neo.
I love you so much it hurts and I'm sorry I've disappeared for so long man xxxx
Sent from my MI 5 using Tapatalk
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#1654
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Sage
- LocationAustralia
Posted 12 February 2018 - 06:44 PM
Leg feels better
#1655
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Sage
- LocationAustralia
Posted 13 February 2018 - 01:58 AM
Calories consumed: 1,000
Tdee: 1,180
Deficit: 180
Today was actually an awesome day! Did origami, sat in the sun, and I had chicken peanut satay with rice noodles for dinner which was so delicious
I started trying to reconnect to my friends and I think isolation was one of the major reasons I was struggling so much? Idk but I’ve also had a few good sleeps and I just feel... good? Today
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#1656
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- 72072 posts
Lord Heisenburg
- LocationSydney Australia
Posted 13 February 2018 - 02:10 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 13 Feb 2018 - 01:58 AM, said:
Today’s totals: 13/2/18
Calories consumed: 1,000
Tdee: 1,180
Deficit: 180
Today was actually an awesome day! Did origami, sat in the sun, and I had chicken peanut satay with rice noodles for dinner which was so delicious
I started trying to reconnect to my friends and I think isolation was one of the major reasons I was struggling so much? Idk but I’ve also had a few good sleeps and I just feel... good? Today
yayyy you did it!! im so glad you got some much needed sleep too
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I have a youtube channel too!
subscribe if ya want
(going to upload videos soon!.. more ed content and random shit)
https://www.youtube....w_as=subscriber
"Heis,
You are you,
Perfection and goals,
How I long to see you be whole" - S'mores
#1657
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- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 13 February 2018 - 02:47 AM
I know I haven't posted here before but I've been keeping up with your accountability for some time and it really makes me happy that you're trying your best and challenging yourself and reaping the results. Yau sleep!
Anyway I wish you all the best sweetie (˶◕‿◕˶✿)
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#1658
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Omniscient
Posted 13 February 2018 - 04:49 AM
i'm so glad to hear you had a better day!
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#1659 Guest_sock_demon_*
- Guests
Posted 13 February 2018 - 02:09 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 13 Feb 2018 - 01:58 AM, said:
Today’s totals: 13/2/18
Calories consumed: 1,000
Tdee: 1,180
Deficit: 180
Today was actually an awesome day! Did origami, sat in the sun, and I had chicken peanut satay with rice noodles for dinner which was so delicious
I started trying to reconnect to my friends and I think isolation was one of the major reasons I was struggling so much? Idk but I’ve also had a few good sleeps and I just feel... good? Today
Wow! So glad you're feeling better and I hope this feeling stays for a long time!
(by the way, I accidentally deleted my account. yes i'm an idiot. So I'm not some random newbie, I'm actually the same person that it now called "guest caged bird". SIGH)
#1660
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Sage
- LocationAustralia
Posted 14 February 2018 - 02:21 AM
Calories consumed: 1,080
Tdee: 1,000
Surplus: 80
Coffee and tea instead of Pepsi has made a massive difference
I’m thriving again
Eating more and resting more and feeling better
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Posted 14 February 2018 - 03:32 AM
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#1662
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Member
Posted 14 February 2018 - 03:40 AM
You are going to have to draw the line here. This will cut your life short and quality of life later on if you continue this (and even recover) the damage to your bones will be horrible.
Please see yourself. If you have a fitbit, find out where your TDEE is and eat that. You may kill yourself if you keep losing. What is the point of being thin if you're dead? There has to be a line somewhere.
I wrote this before reading the thread, so I will do that now. It is just that it is hard to look at you and not feel compelled to say what I did.
You don't look good, you don't look sexy. You are way to skinny. I know that's what you want. But my "thinspo" is nothing like what you look like. You scare me, as you are playing with your life to look like a skeleton! I know many of us do not see that on ourselves when we get there, though.
I'll shut up and read the thread now....
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#1663
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Posted 14 February 2018 - 04:23 AM
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#1664
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Advanced Sage
Posted 14 February 2018 - 11:22 AM
Stavissi, on 14 Feb 2018 - 03:40 AM, said:
You are going to have to draw the line here. This will cut your life short and quality of life later on if you continue this (and even recover) the damage to your bones will be horrible.
Please see yourself. If you have a fitbit, find out where your TDEE is and eat that. You may kill yourself if you keep losing. What is the point of being thin if you're dead? There has to be a line somewhere.
I wrote this before reading the thread, so I will do that now. It is just that it is hard to look at you and not feel compelled to say what I did.
You don't look good, you don't look sexy. You are way to skinny. I know that's what you want. But my "thinspo" is nothing like what you look like. You scare me, as you are playing with your life to look like a skeleton! I know many of us do not see that on ourselves when we get there, though.
I'll shut up and read the thread now....
really you should've kept this all to yourself
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#1665
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Omniscient
Posted 14 February 2018 - 11:46 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 14 Feb 2018 - 04:23 AM, said:
I weighed in at 33.7kg!?! I can only blame food weight, bloat, retention and make up excuses for so long before I realise... I’ve actually just somehow gained. Hateeeeee myself
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
It's so easy for us to look at each other and think "Oh it breaks my heart to see you hurting like this, can't you see eating more is a good thing". But I know it doesn't work that way when it comes to the self. Sure, YOU should recover! But ME? No I am a fat pig I don't deserve to. It's not fair.
Part of getting yourself to where you want to be though, is getting more in touch with reality.
You desperately need to gain some weight, just to get your quality of life back. It's not about what you look like, what the scale says, your BMI. It's about you being able to live your life again. To be able to go to school, go to work, go have a day at the beach or an amusement park or a night out with friends. To be able to run back up the stairs for something you forgot without basically dying. It's not about food it's about YOU. This is your life and this illness is TAKING IT from you. It is taking everything from you.
Get angry! Who does this disorder think it is, fucking with you? Clearly, it needs an ass kicking.
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#1666
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Sage
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Posted 14 February 2018 - 11:38 PM
Calories consumed: 1,020
Tdee: 1,000
Surplus: 20
Starting the barista course tomorrow
Today was awesome!
No Pepsi, lotsa tea and a bit of coffee
Tired but content
Starting to get out into the world again and loving it
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#1667
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Omniscient
#1668
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Omniscient
- LocationUSA
Posted 15 February 2018 - 06:27 PM
So happy to read that you are feeling good!
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#1669 Guest_la petite mort_*
- Guests
Posted 15 February 2018 - 07:49 PM
so happy to see you're feeling a little better!!!
hope the barista course is going well! <3
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#1670
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Advanced Sage
- Locationout of egypt, or in between
Posted 15 February 2018 - 08:11 PM
Hey! I hope you continue to feel better. I feel your struggles, even though I'm twice your age.
It is hard. I was down in the 12s or less last year, gained some IP and some more in a binge phase recently, determined to get back to my comfort zone in the 13s--I'm so glad there are others who understand and we can support each other.
So glad you got some sleep -- that's huge.
Take care of you!
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My accountability is over at EDC, please visit!
Current: https://eatingdisord...read-25803.html
Getting Out of the Thick of It (conquering long binge cycle): https://eatingdisord...read-19676.html
My old accountability/2nd intermezzo:https://eatingdisord...read-17647.html
First intermezzo: https://eatingdisord...read-13017.html
Please visit my old new accountability: https://www.myproana...oing-back-down/
Old accountability: https://www.myproana...elective-focus/
Older accountability: https://www.myproana...accountability/
#1671 Guest_sock_demon_*
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#1672
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Sage
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Posted 16 February 2018 - 02:49 AM
Calories consumed: 900
Tdee: 1,100
Deficit: 200
Started the barista course
Am exhausted
No Pepsi again
Can’t continue not having it ahhh
Having some tomorrow
Tried stevia, make my stomach sick?
Hate lying to my parents...
Feel guilty and disgusting
#1674
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Advanced Sage
Posted 16 February 2018 - 06:23 AM
I really hope all of you get better
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#1675
- Accountability access
- 467 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted 16 February 2018 - 08:32 PM
URGH I HAVE MISSED ON SO MUCH BUT I'M STILL FOLLOWING THE THREAD HELLO LOVELY
There is nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing NOTHINGGG wrong with finishing nursing school at 25. Please trust me on this. I'm 25 myself, actually, and working in the medical field as a certified medical assistant. I want to do more than this, but I'm still figuring out what my next step is! A lot of my coworkers are around my age (some older!) and in school to become registered nurses. And they're doing so, so well, and they're happy, and they realized that becoming a nurse at 25 or later is not a problem at all! Take your time and take care of yourself. We all have different paths that lead us to different places, and we get there on our own time. And that's completely fine. <3
I'm also actually super thrilled that you're going to therapy and taking steps to help yourself - that's fucking fantastic and you deserve the help!! I hope you can remember that you are valid, you are important, and you are worth it! Have fun with the barista course!
#1677 Guest_sock_demon_*
- Guests
Posted 16 February 2018 - 11:32 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 16 Feb 2018 - 11:16 PM, said:
Today’s totals: 17/2/18
Calories consumed: 1,040
Tdee: 1,240
Deficit: 200
Parents are getting divorced
Oh no! I am so so sorry about your parents. I won't ask why because it's your business, but that must be really hard for you. Even though you are going through a seriously crappy time right now, don't give up on life. Many people, on this site and in real life, value you as a person and love your presence, and would be heartbroken if you weren't here on this earth with us.
Hang in there! Xx.
EDIT: I know it's hard. I have depression too. But you CAN do it!
#1678
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- 3141 posts
Omniscient
Posted 17 February 2018 - 03:04 AM
you are beautiful , no matter what , due to the glitch i am not able to follow your posts anymore...but i am happy to see you are getting better!! I know it's hard to gain/mantain but you are doing it right! you deserve it!! Keep going and never stop fighting! <3
#1679
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- 957 posts
Sage
- LocationAustralia
Posted 17 February 2018 - 03:36 AM
Do I really want to spend the rest of my life losing and gaining over and over? Or sustain what seems to be the ‘perfect body’ with the eating disorder barely kept at bay? Bending my life, my plans and other people’s life and plans to make sure its catered for and always comes first? No enjoying a night out at restaurants, no alcohol at parties, no food at sleepovers and constantly stressing about what I did/didn’t eat and what I will/won’t eat?
No, I want to live a life free from the disorder
A life where I don’t need to prioritise it in every way and manipulate my loved ones
So I’m going to admit myself into the Melbourne Clinic
They recently updated their inpatient ED program to take those defined as ‘acute’ and has no BMI requirement like the local one did
It’s 40 days in and then outpatient/day patient
I’ll gain to 52kg or maybe even 54kg (a BMI above 18.5/19)
If I want a chance to live a full life, what’s a few months of hell torture and conflicted feelings?
Why allow the 5 years I’ve given to this disorder reach 6?
Idk need some more motivation but I’m calling tomorrow morning to set it up
Scared out of my mind
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#1680
- Accountability access
- 1020 posts
Sage
- LocationUK
Posted 17 February 2018 - 03:48 AM
40 days of inpatient is nothing compared to how much of your life the ed has already taken.
I am here to support you every step of the way and please keep us updated! Xxxx
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HW: 198 (20/05/20) LW: ~120-125 CW: 186 (06/06/20)
GW1: 185
GW2: 180
GW3: 175
GW4: 170
GW5: 165
GW6: 160
UGW: 130
Control Freak Club - personal accountability: https://www.myproana...-accountability
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Advanced Warrior
- Locationwherever the chocolate is
Posted 25 February 2018 - 08:06 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 25 Feb 2018 - 04:51 AM, said:
Today’s totals: 25/2/18
Calories consumed: 1,120
Tdee: 1,060
Surplus: 60
Barely holding on
Hold in there lovely, you can do it <3
#1782
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- 957 posts
Sage
- LocationAustralia
Posted 25 February 2018 - 09:51 AM
And chips and gravy
And pizza
And hedge hog
And carbonara
And I'm scared that I won't let myself eat this when I'm a healthy weight
I wanna cancel IP and just binge to gain
I'm so scared to go
I wanna just give up
I’ve given up hope for change, nothing changes
As much as I’d like to think I’d ever let myself consume any of this I wouldn’t even sniff it let alone touch it and put it in my mouth and chew and swallow it
I’m going to die before I get help
I’m going to die before I gain
I’ve given up hope
I’m just done
#1783
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- 6427 posts
Omniscient
Posted 25 February 2018 - 09:54 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 25 Feb 2018 - 09:51 AM, said:
I want pancakes
And chips and gravy
And pizza
And hedge hog
And carbonara
And I'm scared that I won't let myself eat this when I'm a healthy weight
I wanna cancel IP and just binge to gain
I'm so scared to go
I wanna just give up on that and let myself go
it is probably safer to have them help you with what to eat so that you get the right nutrients. i'm here if you want to talk.
#1784
- Members
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Advanced Warrior
- LocationDominaria
Posted 25 February 2018 - 10:10 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 25 Feb 2018 - 09:51 AM, said:
I want pancakes
And chips and gravy
And pizza
And hedge hog
And carbonara
And I'm scared that I won't let myself eat this when I'm a healthy weight
I wanna cancel IP and just binge to gain
I'm so scared to go
I wanna just give up on that and let myself go
I know that feeling, especially feeling like you can never return back to these foods... It takes time ! Having help and working very gradually will make the mental and physical adjustments to putting food in your body easier to deal with, and I think is probably the safest thing for a variety of reasons. Wishing you the best.
#1785
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Advanced Guru
- LocationUK
Posted 25 February 2018 - 10:23 AM
Check your email lovely <3
My phone has been playing up today so i just phoned Vodafone... Turns out my phone call and texts to you cost £90 so they froze my account in case I was hacked... Ooooops!!! I dread to think what your phone bill will be!!! (It was 100% worth it to speak to you though... in future we just need to use online calling!)
Sending you hugs! <3 <3 <3
#1786
- Members
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Advanced Warrior
- Locationwherever the chocolate is
Posted 25 February 2018 - 11:01 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 25 Feb 2018 - 09:51 AM, said:
I want pancakes
And chips and gravy
And pizza
And hedge hog
And carbonara
And I'm scared that I won't let myself eat this when I'm a healthy weight
I wanna cancel IP and just binge to gain
I'm so scared to go
I wanna just give up on that and let myself go
I know it's a really friggin' terrifying time you're going through now, but going IP and recovering will be worth it in the long haul.
Perhaps while you're still at home with your parents, you could ask them to make you some pizza or pasta that still fits into what you're comfortable with eating at the moment?
It's very early in the morning or should I say extremely late in the evening haha, maybe try and get some sleep, I find when I have a sleep then I feel a lot better when I wake up x Don't be discouraged by negative feelings, keep on fighting <3
#1787
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Sage
- LocationAustralia
Posted 25 February 2018 - 11:40 AM
Piggy97, on 25 Feb 2018 - 11:01 AM, said:
I know it's a really friggin' terrifying time you're going through now, but going IP and recovering will be worth it in the long haul.
Perhaps while you're still at home with your parents, you could ask them to make you some pizza or pasta that still fits into what you're comfortable with eating at the moment?
It's very early in the morning or should I say extremely late in the evening haha, maybe try and get some sleep, I find when I have a sleep then I feel a lot better when I wake up
It’s almost 6am here... just starting my day
I really can’t see how it’ll be worth it, I don’t want to get out and start the weight loss process all over again and I know that will probably happen and I really can’t live this hell anymore but supplementing it with that hell isnt a solution
#1789
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Warrior
Posted 25 February 2018 - 04:27 PM
I think it would actually be dangerous if you binged right now but I can understand wanting all the foods you've been deprived of for so long. I hope you get into IP soon. A Lot of people are thinking about you. Hang in there.
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#1791
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Advanced Warrior
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Posted 25 February 2018 - 08:59 PM
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#1792
- Accountability access
- 467 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted 25 February 2018 - 10:23 PM
But anyways...
Sometimes, fighting for ourselves can be the hardest damn thing we'll ever do. But it's so, so fucking worth it. This is terrifying, to be sure, but it's worth it. And so are you.
MPA won't let me message you to start a conversation, but now that I know to be on the lookout for messages received, I say again - my inbox is always open.
Keep fighting, sugar. Humanity needs good people like you.
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#1794
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- 467 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted 25 February 2018 - 10:38 PM
Danceofdeath2, on 25 Feb 2018 - 10:28 PM, said:
My knee-jerk reaction was to tell you off for this comment, but it's possible you haven't read the whole thread. I urge you to update yourself on it and delete your comment, please. She's trying to heal.i miss being this skinny
Edited to add that I hope you heal, too.
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#1795 Guest_sock_demon_*
- Guests
Posted 25 February 2018 - 10:53 PM
I know the feeling- when you wanna just inhale any edible thing in sight
Bodies are not made to starve, so I guess it's kinda freaking out now like: HOLY CRAP JUST EAT ALREADY I NEED CALORIES making you rrrrrrrreally hungry. It's pretty scary, but it's the body's way of not dying.
Sometimes it can be dangerous to overeat when you have been restricting for so long, so maybe try to just slooowly up your intake. It's frickin' hard as hell, I know, but a lot of people are cheering you on right now. You are not alone, and you will get through this, dammit.
And you haven't wasted 5 years of your life, because you have learned from it. You have learned what it means to feel pain, that it's hard to accept love until you love yourself, and that not all demons are visible.
I've never even met you, but I know you are a beautiful person and you deserve to get through this shitty ED.
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#1797
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Advanced Warrior
- Locationwherever the chocolate is
Posted 26 February 2018 - 03:47 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 25 Feb 2018 - 11:40 AM, said:
It’s almost 6am here... just starting my day
I really can’t see how it’ll be worth it, I don’t want to get out and start the weight loss process all over again and I know that will probably happen and I really can’t live this hell anymore but supplementing it with that hell isnt a solution
During IP they will usually have classes/group sessions as well as one on ones about how to deal, cope and manage in everyday life. They might do cognitive behavioural therapy, mindfulness etc to help with this
it’s a long process, and there will be lots of ups and downs but I believe that you can do it. It’s all a learning process - learning to love yourself, learning about how to cope with difficulties with emotions and urges etc.Keep fighting lovely <3
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#1798
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Omniscient
Posted 26 February 2018 - 05:29 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 25 Feb 2018 - 11:40 AM, said:
It’s almost 6am here... just starting my day
I really can’t see how it’ll be worth it, I don’t want to get out and start the weight loss process all over again and I know that will probably happen and I really can’t live this hell anymore but supplementing it with that hell isnt a solution
I hope your day goes well.
Maybe you won't want to start the weight loss process all over again. Maybe you will come out and be able to start living your life! You will never know unless you give it a try <3
#1799
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Omniscient
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Posted 26 February 2018 - 07:25 AM
One day at a time, one minute at a time if that's what it takes. When I stopped alcohol, I'd try looking way ahead and picturing how I'd get through shitty days in my future without drinking and it brought me way down.
Like uponanaswings said, maybe you won't want to start losing weight all over again. I thought I'd crave vodka all the rest of my life once I gave it up (and how fucking awful was that going to be) and all that did was give me a reason to stay in a bad place. Once I moved past it, I never looked back...and I couldn't have known that before.
Hope that helps. xx
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Posted 06 March 2018 - 11:36 PM
Calories consumed: 1,040
Tdee: 1,280
Deficit: 240
New Farm found a psychiatrist that would accept me when I come
Could be in within like two weeks if the blood results come back okay
Will know more tomorrow night
Everyone pray that the results are good
Please
Fuck
I’ve been so overwhelmed with emotions all day
Regret
Excitement
Fear
Confusion
Sadness
Happiness
Just everything
It’s getting real
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Posted 07 March 2018 - 12:10 AM
I know i've never really posted here before,
but i'd just like to say i wish you the best.
Lot's of love from good ol' Vic <3
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Posted 07 March 2018 - 12:28 AM
I'm praying. I'm praying your blood results are good and that you're going to get all the help you need to be the wonderful person and nurse we all believe you can be.
I'm praying that it's as easy as possible and you discover things about yourself that this illness has taken from you.
<3
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Link to my new accountability: The Disappearing Game
Link to my old accountability: Creating Someone Beautiful
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Posted 07 March 2018 - 12:41 AM
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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aspen |20|they/them|non binary|
u p d a t e d ; feb 18th 2022
jul 5th 2022
height; 5'1.5 [~156cm]
current weight;166.2 165.6 ???? [been bingeing the last week or so]
probs around 175
starting weight;169.8 [jan 2022]
highest weight;176
goal weight one;170
goal weight two;165
goal weight three;160
goal weight four;155
goal weight five;150
goal weight six;146
goal weight seven;140
goal weight eight;132
goal weight nine;124
goal weight ten;112
goal weight eleven;105
goal weight twelve;100
goal weight thirteen;92
goal weight fourteen;87
u l t i m a t e g o a l
86.
174 173
172 171 170 169 168 167 166 165 164 163
162 161 160 159 158 157 156 155 154 153
152 151 150 149 148 147 146 145 144 143
142 141 140 139 138 137 136 135 134 133
132 131 130 129 128 127 126 125 124 123
122 121 120 119 118 117 116 115 114 113
112 111 110 109 108 107 106 105 104 103
102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95 94 93
92 91 90 89 88 87 86
#1885
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Posted 07 March 2018 - 12:53 AM
I'm praying for you so hard god is quivering in his cloud seat up in heaven. Really praying and hoping those blood tests will be ok, so that you can get the help and support you deserve as fast as possible!
Wishing you the best!
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Vegemite Toast Club:https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/3101370-the-vegemite-toast-club-come-here-if-youre-aussie/
My Little Wonderland:https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/3452770-sock-demons-wonderland-where-i-post-stuff-that-makes-me-smile-▰˘◡˘▰/
Height: 5'3 HW: 113lbs BMI: 19.5 LW: 78lbs CW: 95lbs BMI: 16.8 GW: 90lbs UGW: 74lbs BMI: 12.8
Who am I?
I am an ENFP, play piano and cello, and love herbal teas. Like just fucking LOVE them.
Diagnosed with: Depression, social anxiety, insomnia, OCD and AN b/p subtype in 2016 Proud Member of The Vegemite Toast Club and a Shitposter
Facts about me:
1. I am probably lost, no matter when you are reading this
2. I doodle on everything
3. I'm addicted to puppies and I will murder entire civilizations to pet one
4. I live in Aussie where it is always A MILLION DEGREES whatever the season
5. I wear jeans and a jumper all year round
6. I probably haven't slept in days
7. There's nothing to really write here I just really like the number 7
When/if I recover....
I want to see the world with fresh eyes
I want to smell the breeze with a clear head
I want to eat amazing food from other countries without guilt
And bask with my loved ones in the setting suns without examining myself from the outside
I want to experience everything I have missed out on
One day...
Ye old meme dump (UPDATED WITH MORE MEMESSSSSS)
Gorillaz Gifs and Tom Hiddleston
Tom Hiddleston Gifs and Images... anorexics have self control? lol
I LOVE YOU TOM ahem
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#1887
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Posted 07 March 2018 - 02:07 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 06 Mar 2018 - 11:36 PM, said:
Today’s totals: 7/3/18
Calories consumed: 1,040
Tdee: 1,280
Deficit: 240
New Farm found a doctor that would accept me when I come
Could be in within like two weeks if the blood results come back okay
Will know more tomorrow night
Everyone pray that the results are good
Please
Fuck
I’ve been so overwhelmed with emotions all day
Regret
Excitement
Fear
Confusion
Sadness
Happiness
Just everything
It’s getting real
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Praying hard for your results come back okay
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Posted 07 March 2018 - 02:16 AM
Best of luck <3
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#1889
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Posted 07 March 2018 - 05:07 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 06 Mar 2018 - 11:36 PM, said:
Today’s totals: 7/3/18
Calories consumed: 1,040
Tdee: 1,280
Deficit: 240
New Farm found a doctor that would accept me when I come
Could be in within like two weeks if the blood results come back okay
Will know more tomorrow night
Everyone pray that the results are good
Please
Fuck
I’ve been so overwhelmed with emotions all day
Regret
Excitement
Fear
Confusion
Sadness
Happiness
Just everything
It’s getting real
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I will.
I know you are feeling a lot of things and that's totally ok and 'normal'
I hope that you can go soon.
it is 'getting real'
hope you have a wonderful day
<3
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#1890
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Posted 07 March 2018 - 08:23 AM
I'm still here wishing all the happiness in the world for you. You are courageous and worthy. Love to you <3.
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#1891
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Posted 07 March 2018 - 12:05 PM
Counting the hours til the blood results
The lovely woman that draws my blood spat on the vile for good luck, how lovely is that!
And I got mistaken for my dads wife twice while we were out yesterday haha
8 hours and counting
Replies
Digby_Poseidon, on 07 Mar 2018 - 12:10 AM, said:
Ayyy! I’m a Victorian too!I know i've never really posted here before,
but i'd just like to say i wish you the best.
Lot's of love from good ol' Vic <3
Thanks for the well wishes man
RunningFree, on 07 Mar 2018 - 12:28 AM, said:
That’s so beautiful, I teared up a bit because this is my dream and my only wish in life, to discover who I am and to live a life worth livingI'm praying. I'm praying your blood results are good and that you're going to get all the help you need to be the wonderful person and nurse we all believe you can be.
I'm praying that it's as easy as possible and you discover things about yourself that this illness has taken from you.
<3
Thank you for wanting a full and happy life for me too, and I hope your prayers are answered
Love you
just.another.wintergirl, on 07 Mar 2018 - 12:41 AM, said:
Really fucking praying your blood levels are good. So happy for you that your third on the list. I messaged you the other day but I don’t think you got it. Sending you love and good vibes babes. Love you lots
I didn’t unfortunately, I have Whatsapp if you wanna use that? I can’t put my number here but I can text it to you? Or email? I’ll send you both
Thank you for your good vibes, hopefully they bloody accept me soon aahhh
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
sock_demon, on 07 Mar 2018 - 12:53 AM, said:
HAHAHA you’re so cute, thank you my love, I’m sure God is positively QUAKINGI'm praying for you so hard god is quivering in his cloud seat up in heaven. Really praying and hoping those blood tests will be ok, so that you can get the help and support you deserve as fast as possible!
Wishing you the best!
Sunny_smiles, on 07 Mar 2018 - 01:16 AM, said:
❤️<3
Piggy97, on 07 Mar 2018 - 02:07 AM, said:
Me too aaahPraying hard for your results come back okay
The anticipation is freaking me out, just bloody take me already New Farm jeeeezzz
Love you
Paralysed Panda, on 07 Mar 2018 - 02:16 AM, said:
Thank youuuuuBest of luck <3
uponanaswings, on 07 Mar 2018 - 05:07 AM, said:
Love you so much gorgeous! I’ll reply to your email some time today my love I’ve just been hella busy!I will.
I know you are feeling a lot of things and that's totally ok and 'normal'
I hope that you can go soon.
it is 'getting real'
hope you have a wonderful day
<3
In-a-cloud, on 07 Mar 2018 - 08:23 AM, said:
Fuck man, stop being so sweetI'm still here wishing all the happiness in the world for you. You are courageous and worthy. Love to you <3.
Love you so much aaah ❤️
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Posted 07 March 2018 - 08:32 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 07 Mar 2018 - 12:05 PM, said:
The lovely woman that draws my blood spat on the vile for good luck, how lovely is that!
It took me two or three reads to realize she didn't spit IN the vile. Haha I'm too tired.
I really hope they were good!
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royal advisor to the king of the binch crabs
Link to my new accountability: The Disappearing Game
Link to my old accountability: Creating Someone Beautiful
#1893
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Posted 07 March 2018 - 09:14 PM
So overwhelmed
I got the results back...
GUESS WHO’S MEDICALLY STABLE BITCHES
MEEEEEEEE
My white blood cell count improved and my bone marrow is showing signs of improvement
I have a haematologists appointment coming up sometime to see if there’s anything else we can do to get the cells n marrow sorted but they said because it’s improving it shows I’m medically stable?
When they have a bed available in the ED unit I’ll be in I think, haven’t got a date yet though...
I’m gonna give it a month and if I hate it I’ll try and leave
Thinking that is the only way I’ll let myself go and try so that’s how it is for now
But like, wow
I’m in shock
I can’t believe I actually did it
It’s actually real
Wow
Just wow
Can’t believe I didn’t sabotage
I need to give this my 100% not just go for a month and leave
I need to shoot for a life
Free from the mental torment and physical pain
A life worth living
A life I enjoy living
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Posted 07 March 2018 - 10:30 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 07 Mar 2018 - 9:14 PM, said:
Fuck dudes
So overwhelmed
I got the results back...
GUESS WHO’S MEDICALLY STABLE BITCHES
MEEEEEEEE
My white blood cell count improved and my bone marrow is showing signs of improvement
I have a haematologists appointment coming up sometime to see if there’s anything else we can do to get the cells n marrow sorted but they said because it’s improving it shows I’m medically stable?
When they have a bed available in the ED unit I’ll be in I think, haven’t got a date yet though...
I’m gonna give it a month and if I hate it I’ll try and leave
Thinking that is the only way I’ll let myself go and try so that’s how it is for now
But like, wow
I’m in shock
I can’t believe I actually did it
It’s actually real
Wow
Just wow
I am so so so proud of you!
Please keep channeling this energy to take the best care of yourself as you can until you get there.
You've been trying to take care of yourself for so long, and I know it's hard. Other people are going to take over and help you out soon. I know you can do this.
You have no idea how happy hearing your results made me.
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royal advisor to the king of the binch crabs
Link to my new accountability: The Disappearing Game
Link to my old accountability: Creating Someone Beautiful
#1895
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Lord of Chaos and Glitter
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Posted 07 March 2018 - 10:39 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 07 Mar 2018 - 9:14 PM, said:
Fuck dudes
So overwhelmed
I got the results back...
GUESS WHO’S MEDICALLY STABLE BITCHES
MEEEEEEEE
My white blood cell count improved and my bone marrow is showing signs of improvement
I have a haematologists appointment coming up sometime to see if there’s anything else we can do to get the cells n marrow sorted but they said because it’s improving it shows I’m medically stable?
When they have a bed available in the ED unit I’ll be in I think, haven’t got a date yet though...
I’m gonna give it a month and if I hate it I’ll try and leave
Thinking that is the only way I’ll let myself go and try so that’s how it is for now
But like, wow
I’m in shock
I can’t believe I actually did it
It’s actually real
Wow
Just wow
whattttttt that is amazing! So so happy for you! It's kinda crazy I've never even met you but yet I'm grinning to myself right now. Super thrilled.
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Accountability/body pics:https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/3314634-to-inthinity-and-beyond-my-body-pics-accountability-weird-gifs-bmi-149-tw/#entry60697042
Vegemite Toast Club:https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/3101370-the-vegemite-toast-club-come-here-if-youre-aussie/
My Little Wonderland:https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/3452770-sock-demons-wonderland-where-i-post-stuff-that-makes-me-smile-▰˘◡˘▰/
Height: 5'3 HW: 113lbs BMI: 19.5 LW: 78lbs CW: 95lbs BMI: 16.8 GW: 90lbs UGW: 74lbs BMI: 12.8
Who am I?
I am an ENFP, play piano and cello, and love herbal teas. Like just fucking LOVE them.
Diagnosed with: Depression, social anxiety, insomnia, OCD and AN b/p subtype in 2016 Proud Member of The Vegemite Toast Club and a Shitposter
Facts about me:
1. I am probably lost, no matter when you are reading this
2. I doodle on everything
3. I'm addicted to puppies and I will murder entire civilizations to pet one
4. I live in Aussie where it is always A MILLION DEGREES whatever the season
5. I wear jeans and a jumper all year round
6. I probably haven't slept in days
7. There's nothing to really write here I just really like the number 7
When/if I recover....
I want to see the world with fresh eyes
I want to smell the breeze with a clear head
I want to eat amazing food from other countries without guilt
And bask with my loved ones in the setting suns without examining myself from the outside
I want to experience everything I have missed out on
One day...
Ye old meme dump (UPDATED WITH MORE MEMESSSSSS)
Gorillaz Gifs and Tom Hiddleston
Tom Hiddleston Gifs and Images... anorexics have self control? lol
I LOVE YOU TOM ahem
#1896
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Posted 07 March 2018 - 10:39 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 07 Mar 2018 - 9:14 PM, said:
Fuck dudes
So overwhelmed
I got the results back...
GUESS WHO’S MEDICALLY STABLE BITCHES
MEEEEEEEE
My white blood cell count improved and my bone marrow is showing signs of improvement
I have a haematologists appointment coming up sometime to see if there’s anything else we can do to get the cells n marrow sorted but they said because it’s improving it shows I’m medically stable?
When they have a bed available in the ED unit I’ll be in I think, haven’t got a date yet though...
I’m gonna give it a month and if I hate it I’ll try and leave
Thinking that is the only way I’ll let myself go and try so that’s how it is for now
But like, wow
I’m in shock
I can’t believe I actually did it
It’s actually real
Wow
Just wow
So proud of you lovely! I'm glad everything came back not only stable, but also showing improvements, that's a massive achievement, i'm super happy for you! We all believed you could do it, you can do anything you set your mind to if you really want and it just proves that even if it's hard at first, it'll be worth it in the end. Sending congratulatory hugs your way x
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Posted 07 March 2018 - 10:58 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 07 Mar 2018 - 9:14 PM, said:
Fuck dudes
So overwhelmed
I got the results back...
GUESS WHO’S MEDICALLY STABLE BITCHES
MEEEEEEEE
My white blood cell count improved and my bone marrow is showing signs of improvement
I have a haematologists appointment coming up sometime to see if there’s anything else we can do to get the cells n marrow sorted but they said because it’s improving it shows I’m medically stable?
When they have a bed available in the ED unit I’ll be in I think, haven’t got a date yet though...
I’m gonna give it a month and if I hate it I’ll try and leave
Thinking that is the only way I’ll let myself go and try so that’s how it is for now
But like, wow
I’m in shock
I can’t believe I actually did it
It’s actually real
Wow
Just wow
YES YES YES!!!!!! I’m so fucking happy for you!! I just got your message and I’ll email you in the morning when I’m up. Keep your head high love, take it day by day, you got this. You are strong. You are beautiful. Love you
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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aspen |20|they/them|non binary|
u p d a t e d ; feb 18th 2022
jul 5th 2022
height; 5'1.5 [~156cm]
current weight;166.2 165.6 ???? [been bingeing the last week or so]
probs around 175
starting weight;169.8 [jan 2022]
highest weight;176
goal weight one;170
goal weight two;165
goal weight three;160
goal weight four;155
goal weight five;150
goal weight six;146
goal weight seven;140
goal weight eight;132
goal weight nine;124
goal weight ten;112
goal weight eleven;105
goal weight twelve;100
goal weight thirteen;92
goal weight fourteen;87
u l t i m a t e g o a l
86.
174 173
172 171 170 169 168 167 166 165 164 163
162 161 160 159 158 157 156 155 154 153
152 151 150 149 148 147 146 145 144 143
142 141 140 139 138 137 136 135 134 133
132 131 130 129 128 127 126 125 124 123
122 121 120 119 118 117 116 115 114 113
112 111 110 109 108 107 106 105 104 103
102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95 94 93
92 91 90 89 88 87 86
#1898
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Posted 07 March 2018 - 11:30 PM
Calories consumed: 980
Tdee: 1,100
Deficit: 120
I’m so so happy gahhh
It’s so hard to take care of myself and I couldn’t have done it without this beautiful bunch of supporters cheering me on and steering me in the right direction
With the sincerest sincerity, THANK YOU ALL
I feel like I don’t deserve to have things work out for me because I’ve been a shitty and manipulative and bitchy person but I’m just... relieved
Replies:
just.another.wintergirl, on 07 Mar 2018 - 10:58 PM, said:
Yay! Finally Tapatalk came through and worKED! I’m so excited for your message, it’s gonna be awesome to finally get to know the beautiful person behind the username! Thank you so much for the support, I’m beyond flattered and super excited by my blood results!YES YES YES!!!!!! I’m so fucking happy for you!! I just got your message and I’ll email you in the morning when I’m up. Keep your head high love, take it day by day, you got this. You are strong. You are beautiful. Love you
Love you too gorgeous
Piggy97, on 07 Mar 2018 - 10:39 PM, said:
AWWWWHHH! I’m blushing and beaming man, thank you so much for this messageSo proud of you lovely! I'm glad everything came back not only stable, but also showing improvements, that's a massive achievement, i'm super happy for you! We all believed you could do it, you can do anything you set your mind to if you really want and it just proves that even if it's hard at first, it'll be worth it in the end. Sending congratulatory hugs your way x
I’m super shocked and fucking happy and relieved! All the hard work and struggle is finally starting to pay off and show up and I couldn’t be more excited! LoVEEE YOUUU
sock_demon, on 07 Mar 2018 - 10:39 PM, said:
I’m beyond stoked! Thank you so much for your awesome support my lil demonwhattttttt that is amazing! So so happy for you! It's kinda crazy I've never even met you but yet I'm grinning to myself right now. Super thrilled.
Love you my beautiful, beAUTIFUL friend ❤️
RunningFree, on 07 Mar 2018 - 10:30 PM, said:
It’s so odd because I’ve been trying so hard for so long and the hard work and struggle is finally starting to pay off and show up and it’s just so shocking! I’m so exhausted of fighting myself so I’m glad IP is close!I am so so so proud of you!
Please keep channeling this energy to take the best care of yourself as you can until you get there.
You've been trying to take care of yourself for so long, and I know it's hard. Other people are going to take over and help you out soon. I know you can do this.
You have no idea how happy hearing your results made me.
Thank you so much for your support and advice and happiness for me, love you!
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Posted 08 March 2018 - 03:37 AM
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Posted 08 March 2018 - 04:47 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 07 Mar 2018 - 9:14 PM, said:
Fuck dudes
So overwhelmed
I got the results back...
GUESS WHO’S MEDICALLY STABLE BITCHES
MEEEEEEEE
My white blood cell count improved and my bone marrow is showing signs of improvement
I have a haematologists appointment coming up sometime to see if there’s anything else we can do to get the cells n marrow sorted but they said because it’s improving it shows I’m medically stable?
When they have a bed available in the ED unit I’ll be in I think, haven’t got a date yet though...
I’m gonna give it a month and if I hate it I’ll try and leave
Thinking that is the only way I’ll let myself go and try so that’s how it is for now
But like, wow
I’m in shock
I can’t believe I actually did it
It’s actually real
Wow
Just wow
Can’t believe I didn’t sabotage
I need to give this my 100% not just go for a month and leave
I need to shoot for a life
Free from the mental torment and physical pain
A life worth living
A life I enjoy living
that is such wonderful news. you've worked so hard for so long without professional support. I think you will do well once you are ip. I'm so happy for you. and yes I believe you will have a life worth living and enjoying!
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Posted 26 March 2018 - 05:16 PM
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Posted 26 March 2018 - 05:45 PM
I'm so happy for you! You going to rock this recovery girl!
Also, your color coordination in the mandalas is really amazing, you have a great eye for this!
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#2083
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Posted 26 March 2018 - 08:24 PM
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#2084
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Posted 27 March 2018 - 02:38 AM
I'm so so proud of you and sending you an avalanche of hugs, fluffy puppies and good, recovery thoughts! You can do this!
Also, you coloring is super pretty! It really helps destress, and it's a great idea to keep doing it.
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Accountability/body pics:https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/3314634-to-inthinity-and-beyond-my-body-pics-accountability-weird-gifs-bmi-149-tw/#entry60697042
Vegemite Toast Club:https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/3101370-the-vegemite-toast-club-come-here-if-youre-aussie/
My Little Wonderland:https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/3452770-sock-demons-wonderland-where-i-post-stuff-that-makes-me-smile-▰˘◡˘▰/
Height: 5'3 HW: 113lbs BMI: 19.5 LW: 78lbs CW: 95lbs BMI: 16.8 GW: 90lbs UGW: 74lbs BMI: 12.8
Who am I?
Ye old meme dump (UPDATED WITH MORE MEMESSSSSS)
Gorillaz Gifs and Tom Hiddleston
#2085
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Posted 27 March 2018 - 06:30 AM
Did you just jump straight from your previous low calorie ( around 1000 ish IIRC ? ) diet to the 4000 calorie one?
I'm battling with recovery as well and I'm lost how should I start it smart so any and all help is more than welcome!
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Posted 27 March 2018 - 07:21 AM
zatanoa, on 27 Mar 2018 - 06:30 AM, said:
I'm maybe not the right person to answer, but I am going through forced recovery, and I think that it is best to go from the restriced diet into a normal one (2000ish, depends on lenght etc). If you have a very low bmi, I would jump into a 4000 one directly to "get the process going" and then go down to a normal intakeDid you just jump straight from your previous low calorie ( around 1000 ish IIRC ? ) diet to the 4000 calorie one?
I'm battling with recovery as well and I'm lost how should I start it smart so any and all help is more than welcome!
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HGT 5 feet
SW 166 lbs
HW 170 lbs
CW 116,2 lbs
GW1 154 lbs
GW2 140 lbs
GW3 132 lbs
GW4 120 lbs
GW5 112 lbs
GW6 108 lbs
GW7 97 lbs
UGW 88 lbs
If you can pinch it, you can lose it
Accountability
#2087
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Posted 28 March 2018 - 09:36 PM
Never leaving this place
Hospitalisation
Hate
Myself
BMI in the 13’s I think
4,000 calories day in, day out!
#2088
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Posted 28 March 2018 - 11:00 PM
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#2089
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Posted 29 March 2018 - 03:50 AM
you will get out, please don't give up hope and your mandalas are beautiful!
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Posted 29 March 2018 - 12:48 PM
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Posted 30 March 2018 - 01:19 PM
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#2092
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Posted 31 March 2018 - 07:32 AM
The numbers will keep going up. Thats how you get out of there. It must be so suffocating at times but you are making progress. Keep going. This is not forever. How have you been these past few days?
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#2093
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Posted 31 March 2018 - 07:53 AM
hey, notifications aren't working on here as we all know so I've bookmarked your accountability... I just want you to know you've been in my thoughts, I know this has been incredibly difficult for you and I hope you're okay
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Posted 31 March 2018 - 11:33 AM
hope you are doing ok. thinking of you <3
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#2095
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Posted 31 March 2018 - 03:00 PM
Hi honey,
We've never talked before but I just read all your accountability in one go and my heart hurts thinking about what you are going through. I know it may not be much coming from a complete stranger online but I think you are so beautiful, inside and out and have the purest soul <3
You deserve the most beautiful, full life and everything you could ever want and I hope so so much that you will get better and and find the HOPE again to keep going as strong as you have
Reading this thread was so inspiring just because of your sheer will to live, please know that I think you are so strong and even though we don't know each other I'm so proud and so happy you managed to save yourself!
I know you can do anything you ever set your mind to, and you deserve to have anything and everything you've ever dreamed of
Once I reached the lowest point in my depression I ever had, and one thing someone told me that touched me very deeply was:
"You are so much more than the sum of the things that have happened to you"
I hope maybe it could touch you too
Sending all the hugs I can manage over to you, stay super strong and I know you can beat this diseases BUTT!! <3 <3
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Posted 31 March 2018 - 08:00 PM
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Posted 01 April 2018 - 01:12 AM
35kg || 12.7
Will be BMI 13.0 by the time the clinic rolls around
Thought I was already in the 13’s but I saw my weight by accident at weigh in and I’m not yet
#2098
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Posted 01 April 2018 - 05:08 AM
I know it's hard but you can do this! Imagine us outside your hospital window (non creepily) cheering YOU CAN DO IT YEAH YEAH ect
Sending happy thoughts!
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Accountability/body pics:https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/3314634-to-inthinity-and-beyond-my-body-pics-accountability-weird-gifs-bmi-149-tw/#entry60697042
Vegemite Toast Club:https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/3101370-the-vegemite-toast-club-come-here-if-youre-aussie/
My Little Wonderland:https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/3452770-sock-demons-wonderland-where-i-post-stuff-that-makes-me-smile-▰˘◡˘▰/
Height: 5'3 HW: 113lbs BMI: 19.5 LW: 78lbs CW: 95lbs BMI: 16.8 GW: 90lbs UGW: 74lbs BMI: 12.8
Who am I?
Ye old meme dump (UPDATED WITH MORE MEMESSSSSS)
Gorillaz Gifs and Tom Hiddleston
#2099
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Posted 02 April 2018 - 01:17 AM
Didn’t sleep
Family visited
Feeling foggy
Mentally unstable and exhausted
Medically stable and physically ok
Gaining weight and losing motivation
I still have hope for the future
One day I won’t have to bide time
One day
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Posted 02 April 2018 - 04:17 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 02 Apr 2018 - 01:17 AM, said:
Ate a heap
Didn’t sleep
Family visited
Feeling foggy
Mentally unstable and exhausted
Medically stable and physically ok
Gaining weight and losing motivation
I still have hope for the future
One day I won’t have to bide time
One day
I haven't been very active lately due to life and other things happening, but i've still been silently following you through all of this. I'm so so happy to hear you're medically stable and physically okay now. It's been such a shitty, awful time you've been going through and i'm glad to see you're pulling through regardless. Keep your hope and spirits up, once you're back IP later this week everything will change again and i'm hoping it'll give you a new, happier environment that you can become happier, healthier and start getting back to your happy, gorgeous self again. Sending lots of hugs your way x
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Posted 21 April 2018 - 04:31 AM
Just checking in to see how you're doing? Hope you're well and keeping your positive mindset! sending you love and hugs from an internet friend!
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#2182
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Posted 21 April 2018 - 01:24 PM
Still aiming for bmi 19-20 because I know that a life where I compromise with this disorder even a little bit is not a life I want to live
The oxytocin has made such an impact on the loneliness of being away from my family, I feel a lot less overwhelmed by my desire to be home and living my life. I know I can’t start living that life until I’m better and staying on this path is my only option
For the rest of my life I will listen to my body, I think it knows what is best for it and I’ve ignored it for way too long
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#2183
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Posted 21 April 2018 - 01:24 PM
Rusalka., on 10 Apr 2018 - 08:27 AM, said:
Congratulations!! You're doing so well and I admire your bravery
Aw man, you’re making me blush
Thank you! Ahhh
zatanoa, on 10 Apr 2018 - 09:22 AM, said:
Have you already noticed a difference in your general energy levels / physical strength?
You are such a fuking inspiration for me to get better but I'm still dead scared to raise my food intake and unfortunately me trying to eat slightly more yesterday ended up in me purging it all up
but the main point of this post:
Keep it up champ!!
Yeah! My energy is crazy and I’m always hot now! My physical strength is low because my muscles had atrophied and now they’re growing back and I’m not using them that much so they’re pretty weak
I’m so sorry you have to go through all this shit man, I really hope you seek help
Traceybee, on 11 Apr 2018 - 01:11 AM, said:
I’m so proud of you, you are an inspiration to me. I’m in awe of your strength. Yesterday I almost had a hissy for over a cup of tea as my hubby put sugar in it, then thought of you. I thought if you can do it then I can. Inside I was a mess but for once I accepted the tea. Turns out it was sweetener not sugar in it
Keep up the incredible progress and keep your life goals in the front of your mind x
Thanks for your support and pride
Im so sorry that your ED made you go through all that stress, it’s not a life worth living when this disorder is involved and ruins the small things as well as the big, I urge you to seek some help my love 🧡
Sending you strength and love
aftergloww, on 11 Apr 2018 - 02:17 AM, said:
You're doing so well. It's great that you want recovery - maybe try to list some reasons why you want it, that might help with motivation. I hope you can be proud of your progress, we're all proud of you!
I think a list is a great idea! Might have to start one soon, when I start struggling more
Thanks for your pride and support
skinny fat, on 11 Apr 2018 - 12:00 PM, said:
Please don't feel that ! Don't let the horrible ED monstre ruin what you achieved so far !
You are wanting the good thing , the correct thing that your body actually needs , there's nothing wrong in that , wanting recovery is the best thing you should feel greatful for , you've suffered a lot , you deserve getting back your life now , please keep going ♡♡ wish for you all the luck ^^
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This made me feel so much better man, I shouldn’t feel guilty for listening to my body! It has suffered a lot and deserves to be nourished and nurtured
Thanks for opening my eyes gorgeous, love you!
unlikely74, on 11 Apr 2018 - 1:01 PM, said:
Keep talking, keep doing the therapy, this is what it's for. You're doing amazingly well, keep going.
I will never turn back ❤️
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#2184
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Posted 21 April 2018 - 01:49 PM
Freckles87, on 06 Apr 2018 - 6:20 PM, said:
I’m so proud and happy for you!! You are doing great!!!!
Thank you so much gorgeous! Your support is invaluable
imsorrydad, on 07 Apr 2018 - 01:55 AM, said:
I'm so proud of you!
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awww thanks chicken!KittenPurrincess, on 07 Apr 2018 - 02:41 AM, said:
Omg I'm so so happy and proud of you, I'm loving your positivity and motivation and its great that the therapy there is really helpful to you! So excited!
What a cutie!
Thanks for the beautiful message lovely
aftergloww, on 07 Apr 2018 - 02:58 AM, said:
You're doing amazingly well. I love your positive mindset and really hope this progress continues well for you. Sending you lots of hugs!
I hope so too 🤞🏻
Thanks so much for your support and encouragement!
It’s lovely to have someone to spur me on and remind me to stay on track ❤️
sock demon the gif lord, on 07 Apr 2018 - 03:04 AM, said:
I'm so happy for you you beautiful person.
Your recovery mindset and positivity is so inspiring. I'm so proud.
Aaah you’re making me blush! You’re beyond gorgeous
love you manmk88, on 07 Apr 2018 - 08:22 AM, said:
I was just reading through your accountability and my eyes popped up of my head. Margaret Sheridan *gasp*. I saw her around 8 years ago. I guess I shouldn’t take it as the biggest coincidence considering this is on MPA lol.
Anyway wishing you love and support! X
How crazy!? Thanks for the well wishes
skinny fat, on 07 Apr 2018 - 09:36 AM, said:
OMG that's the best thing ever hun !!
Hearing that you finally took your decision to get back your life is already a big step for you to win the ED battle ! Please keep going ! You're so strong and i believe in you ♡
Hope for you the best luck ^^
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I will never stop progressing, don’t worry!
Your faith in me is amazing, I love you so much gorgeous 🧡
uponanaswings, on 07 Apr 2018 - 4:07 PM, said:
this is the best thing I've read in a very long time <3
Awwwww brooooo
Love you more than words
Locutus, on 07 Apr 2018 - 9:24 PM, said:
i'm so happy to read this. you deserve this and so much more because you're so motivated to get well. i love how you recognize that you need treatment and are so willing to participate in it! you're young enough that you have a great chance to reprogram your inner mind to strive for real health and happiness without the film of disorder. so, so glad you got into this treatment thing that you feel positive about. things might get tough again, but you've already proved that you can power through it. if things get hard, look back on the positivity you're exuding right now and recognize how much strength you have built into you.
You almost made me cry, this is the most amazing message, you’re a crazily awesome person! This motivated me so much, thank you endlessly
“Poison Pixie 666” said
Reading ur latest post was amazing and made me super emotional! Im so glad u chose recovery. I wish u a speedy recovery and all the happiness that u deserve.
Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk
I’m so glad too! Thanks so much gorgeous 🧡
I wish you all the happiness right back, maybe we can share it
#2185
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Posted 21 April 2018 - 01:49 PM
Kenna Rai, on 08 Apr 2018 - 03:47 AM, said:
I've gone through all 100+ pages in this thread in the last couple hours. Yo. It was quite the ride.
Rooting for you to get better. Hang in there, if you've made it this far, you can go even further.
Awww thanks man, what a beautiful message ❤️
sock demon the gif lord, on 08 Apr 2018 - 05:42 AM, said:
um YEAH IT STILL IS that's amazing! Three Margaret Sheridan patients in one thread! WHAAAAAT
Crazy huh?!?
RunningFree, on 08 Apr 2018 - 11:22 PM, said:
Yay I'm so glad you're in the clinic!
I know it's been very up and down but I want you to know I'm super proud of you for all the energy you've put into fighting this fight! You're incredible!
It certainly has been quite a wild ride, thank you so much for sticking around and your pride in me will not be misplaced, I will never stop fighting!
“yetanotheramy” said
Make that 4
crazyyy aaahaftergloww, on 10 Apr 2018 - 01:51 AM, said:
This is great. It's so wonderful that you are listening to your body. You are not at all greedy, it's clearly what your body needs right now and I'm so proud of you for having the strength to look after yourself.
Thank you so much, this really helped lessen my guilt
uponanaswings, on 10 Apr 2018 - 03:57 AM, said:
you are far from greedy. you are listening to what your body needs to take care of itself and heal and there is nothing wrong with that. it is a wonderful thing indeed!
Thank you so much for this man, sometimes you need someone else’s opinion to get perspective ❤️
“ninasophie” said
I just read through this thread and omg! I'm so incredibly proud of you!
You can do it! <3
Aaaah thanks man!
CuteThinPizza, on 10 Apr 2018 - 08:10 AM, said:
I'm so proud of you, hun. Keep being strong, I always love to read your updates
P.S. Don't feel neither guilty nor greedy, just listen to your body <3
I will keep listening to my body, I think it knows what is best for it and I’ve ignored it for way too long
#2186
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Posted 21 April 2018 - 01:55 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 26 Mar 2018 - 09:58 AM, said:
I’ve been doing some drawing and colouring to occupy my time
I have so many coloring sheets like that from various mental hospital stays... it gets so MIND NUMBINGLY BORING. I can't color for over an hour or two on the outside but lock me up with nothing to do and I'm gonna be coloring 8 hours a day just to stay sane.
It was more fun on a ward, with other people around because sometimes you'd have company and sometimes people would ask me to color something for them because I was gettin elaborate with the crayolas #OG
There was an old man ome time in his early 60s, alcoholic and kind of decrepit because of it. Very loud and angry and rude to most everyone. Long term alcoholic from the ghetto. But he took a liking to me I guess, and asked me to color one for him. He picked out a picture of a little fairy girl with a fox (super cute actually it was easy to make it look good) When I finished he just kind of looked at it then goes "I love you". The CO on duty in the dayroom made the cross over himself and said "god help you" when he heard about that... the guy was pretty infamous for being a handful lmao.
Hope you're doing ok, glad to see you're surviving <3
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#2187
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Posted 21 April 2018 - 02:17 PM
dyingdarling, on 21 Apr 2018 - 1:55 PM, said:
I have so many coloring sheets like that from various mental hospital stays... it gets so MIND NUMBINGLY BORING. I can't color for over an hour or two on the outside but lock me up with nothing to do and I'm gonna be coloring 8 hours a day just to stay sane.
It was more fun on a ward, with other people around because sometimes you'd have company and sometimes people would ask me to color something for them because I was gettin elaborate with the crayolas #OG
There was an old man ome time in his early 60s, alcoholic and kind of decrepit because of it. Very loud and angry and rude to most everyone. Long term alcoholic from the ghetto. But he took a liking to me I guess, and asked me to color one for him. He picked out a picture of a little fairy girl with a fox (super cute actually it was easy to make it look good) When I finished he just kind of looked at it then goes "I love you". The CO on duty in the dayroom made the cross over himself and said "god help you" when he heard about that... the guy was pretty infamous for being a handful lmao.
Hope you're doing ok, glad to see you're surviving <3
That story was a wild ride
Love you
*heyfattybumbum*, on 12 Apr 2018 - 01:16 AM, said:
You’re doing so well! I’m so happy you want to recover!
So am I tbh
hehemackson93, on 12 Apr 2018 - 05:46 AM, said:
I've been away for a little while so haven't had a chance to keep up, but I am SO happy you've gone into recovery! You deserve this. It's going to be tough as hell learning to overcome all those negative thoughts, but keep talking to people, take all the help you can get and you'll make it. You deserve a happy, healthy, long life and you are honestly so inspirational ❤️
I'm rooting for you!
Awwww man! This is so gorgeous ahhhh
Thank you so much for the motivation
StrungOut, on 13 Apr 2018 - 01:42 AM, said:
Keep pushing through to the other side! You can do it, but it's going to be a sustained fight with your mind. Hopefully you have good support there for that part of it! It may not be helpful, but when struggling with my distorted perceptions of how I looked and felt, it really helped for me to focus on strength and function. Oh, and distraction is a powerful thing! Do they have any special classes there? Like music or art etc.?
What a gorgeous supportive message! I know it’ll be a fight and a half but I have to keep pushing
They have music and art therapy! It’s so lovely! I really enjoy it
sock demon the gif lord, on 14 Apr 2018 - 04:56 AM, said:
Keep pushing through it lovely! I know you can do it
Also by the way, I might be able to visit you for real!! (If that's what you want haha)
Love ya
xx
Yes PLEASEEEE
VISIT MEEEEE
message me your phone number and we’ll get it set up!
Mireina, on 14 Apr 2018 - 2:19 PM, said:
I am so so so happy for you aaa <3
You are the person who inspired me to recover
We got this, we can do it!
Oh wow! Don’t let me have the credit for the major decision that you made to look after yourself, I may have helped you realise the path that you wanted to travel but you’re the one putting in the hard work and I’m so fucking proud of you
“ThePrincipleOfHope” said
Hey again
I’m really happy to hear you think like that. It’s probably the absolute best mindset you can have, especially with such a difficult situation! We all know you can do this so stay strong!
There are so many beautiful things in life to relish in and enjoy and you deserve all of them <3
Keep going, you're a beautiful and inspiring human being, and I'm sure you will come out of this stronger than ever
Ahhhhhh fuck, don’t make me cry! I have tears in my eyes reading this gorgeous message, thank you endlessly for your beautiful words of support and motivation
You’re amazing ❤️
Wiglaf, on 15 Apr 2018 - 06:31 AM, said:
It seems that you are getting motivated and stronger. That is good to read. Please continue letting us know how you're doing.
I’m very motivated and I will definitely keep you updated!
mypiranha, on 15 Apr 2018 - 06:45 AM, said:
You’re amazing, you totally got this and deserve the best!! Xx
Aww man, you’re so beautiful, thank you lovely
#2188
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Posted 21 April 2018 - 02:17 PM
elmo42, on 15 Apr 2018 - 12:07 PM, said:
You’re so right, there is definitely more to life than number as insignificant as a BMI! Thank you for putting things into perspective for me 🧡So good to see a new post from you. You seem to have a great mindset though I'm sure you struggle with yourself daily. There is so much more to life than BMI. Its great to see you reaching for it. I was just thinking today how boring dieting really is. I spend so much time on it but then when i'm expected to turn up for something social what the fuck will I have to say for myself? I ate xx calories today? I love halo top? boring boring boring. Reach for the stars kiddo. The whole world is out there just waiting for you!
“aftergloww” said
I will try my best every minute of every day to remain focussedThis is a great mindset, I'm so happy to see this! I really hope you will have the strength to stick to it and someday enjoy your recovery.
CuteThinPizza, on 16 Apr 2018 - 07:33 AM, said:
Aww man, thanks so muchYou do have skills, hunni! It's so nice to say you posting in such a confident tone. Keep fighting! <3
mypiranha, on 17 Apr 2018 - 02:01 AM, said:
I’d love to eventually help other people by telling them my experiences and help them to get out of the pits of this disorderYou could be a positive speaker / life coach with that amazing outlook. I’d love you to be mine anyway! The main point is you can do and Be anything you want to be after this and you know it too!
I’d love to be a nurse too
The choice is up to me! Hopefully I can be both
Thank you for your gorgeous message
“aftergloww” said
Thank you for lessening my guilt, I hope one day I can slow down and enjoy my food thoughDon’t worry about eating too fast, I’m sorry they made you feel bad about it, that was really insensitive. They should be supporting you wanting to eat in the first place! I'm so glad you're off bed rest and out of the wheelchair - that will enable you to get some physical exercise and build up your muscles which will be so good for your body. I'm so excited for you to be healthy and strong. I think it's a good idea not to be looking at your body - like you said it is a vessel, so you need to give it good nutrition and it will take care of you.
Love you
“KittenPurrincess”, on 17 Apr 2018 - 02:17 AM, said:
Awww man, you’re so cuteThis warmed my heart to read, I'm so happy you're making such good progress, mentally you sound in a much stabler place!
I definitely feel more stable
❤️
skinny fat, on 17 Apr 2018 - 03:30 AM, said:
I has the wheelchair because I had very low blood pressure and was at high risk for faintingWoow i'm soo happy for your progress ! I wish for you all the luck ♡ and remember that there are always ups n downs , the most important is to keep fighting n never give up ^^
I have a question if you don't mind me asking please , why were you in a wheel chair ?
Sent from my SM-A320FL using Tapatalk
Luckily that is just in my past now
I will definitely keep fighting, thank you so much for your message of support
“zatanoa” said
What a beautiful message, you are such a beautiful ladyReading your update honestly warms my heart
You've made so much progress towards returning your health and life back in just the last few weeks it's just plain silly
Keep going !
#2189
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Posted 21 April 2018 - 02:34 PM
Quote
Have you ever noticed that people who say you eat too fast are people who eat painfully slowly? If you eat fast and don't feel sick afterward, then you're eating exactly at the perfect speed.
Anyway, it's great to see how well you are doing. You're in the right mindset
True! Thanks for putting things into perspective for me, your message really helped
Quote
Your a total inspiration for me. Body image is what’s holding me back big time. The scales no longer matter. I’d love to let go of my body image. Your positive attitude is astounding. Keep up the tremendous work xx
I hope that one day you can learn to let go and just allow your body to be the vessel for you to live and thrive in, rather then your main focus
Quote
Been thinking about you! So glad you’re doing so well!
quote name="aftergloww" post="60059434" timestamp="1524126736"]Sorry about the edema, it's a shame the doctors aren't helping you.
You are seriously doing so well and should be so proud of yourself.[/quote]
At least they let me have Panadol for the pain, doesn’t help much but least it’s something
Sometimes I am a little bit proud of myself, thank you so much for this beautiful message ❤️
Quote
Yes you are doing so well!
voiceless, on 17 Apr 2018 - 10:30 PM, said:
So happy to see you smiling and have your ng tube put back in. You're stronger than you might think you are. And you're absolutely inspiring
Awwww that’s so beautiful, thank you
*heyfattybumbum*, on 17 Apr 2018 - 10:43 PM, said:
You’re doing so well! ❤️
Hehehe thanks gorgeous 🧡
Freckles87, on 19 Apr 2018 - 1:22 PM, said:
Compression socks?
If only I could buy some
May have to look online?
Thanks for the suggestion! ❤️
knockknee, on 19 Apr 2018 - 2:33 PM, said:
Omg I am so fucking proud of you! Also hell yeah for oxytocin!!! That's the chemical that our brain makes when we feel loved... makes sense that they prescribe it for you to love yoself! Hope it goes well for you, placebo or not! The brain is a powerful thing. All the best luv xox
I hope so too
Thanks gorgeous
#2190
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Posted 21 April 2018 - 02:34 PM
StrungOut, on 19 Apr 2018 - 11:15 PM, said:
I hope so! I have no idea if that has anything to do with pets. I feel like I should research about it a little bit more than I haveVery helpful and refreshing to read your posts. I think you are going to end up doing something in life that helps a lot of people...
That's interesting about oxytocin! Isn't there some connection with pets/animals as well? Like the brain produces it when you pet them? Haha, I just played an orchestra concert and a woman in the front row had a darling therapy dog on her lap...made me feel better just looking at it!
❤️
“*heyfattybumbum*” said
The edema has lessened and I’m still doing well, thank you so much for checking in on me it means a lot!Hey, how are you doing? You’ve not posted for a while. Just wondered if all is ok? How are your meds going and the Edema?
Love you
“aftergloww” said
Just checking in to see how you're doing? Hope you're well and keeping your positive mindset!
I’m doing pretty well considering this is the hardest thing I’ll ever do
Thank you endlessly for checking in on me, you’re beyond gorgeous
#2191
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Posted 21 April 2018 - 02:34 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 21 Apr 2018 - 2:17 PM, said:
Replies
Spoiler
That story was a wild ride
Love you
So am I tbh
Awwww man! This is so gorgeous ahhhh
Thank you so much for the motivation
What a gorgeous supportive message! I know it’ll be a fight and a half but I have to keep pushing
They have music and art therapy! It’s so lovely! I really enjoy it
Yes PLEASEEEE
VISIT MEEEEE
message me your phone number and we’ll get it set up!
Oh wow! Don’t let me have the credit for the major decision that you made to look after yourself, I may have helped you realise the path that you wanted to travel but you’re the one putting in the hard work and I’m so fucking proud of you
Ahhhhhh fuck, don’t make me cry! I have tears in my eyes reading this gorgeous message, thank you endlessly for your beautiful words of support and motivation
You’re amazing ❤️
I’m very motivated and I will definitely keep you updated!
Aww man, you’re so beautiful, thank you lovely
Thought you might get a kick out of it ;D and speaking of kicks, you are kickin ass lately! I'm getting such positive vibes from you and I love it. (Kinda glad to see you haven't logged on too often as well. This place isn't exactly the healthiest)
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Posted 21 April 2018 - 02:54 PM
i'm so glad to hear the edema has lessened. i'm also really glad to hear that you are going to be listening to your body from now on. I hope you have a good rest of your day!
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Posted 21 April 2018 - 06:33 PM
dyingdarling, on 21 Apr 2018 - 2:34 PM, said:
Thought you might get a kick out of it ;D and speaking of kicks, you are kickin ass lately! I'm getting such positive vibes from you and I love it. (Kinda glad to see you haven't logged on too often as well. This place isn't exactly the healthiest)
Aww thanks man
I agree that this isn’t the best place for someone recovering so I’ve been trying to keep away
uponanaswings, on 21 Apr 2018 - 2:54 PM, said:
i'm so glad to hear the edema has lessened. i'm also really glad to hear that you are going to be listening to your body from now on. I hope you have a good rest of your day!
It’s a lot nicer and fun-er to listen to your body! I will try my best to have an awesome day, I hope you do too!
#2194
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Posted 21 April 2018 - 06:33 PM
Anything I can get my hands on
I just wish I could have a normal and healthy relationship with food but it’s always too much or not enough and never an inbetween
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Posted 21 April 2018 - 06:52 PM
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Posted 22 April 2018 - 12:53 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 21 Apr 2018 - 6:33 PM, said:
No no no don't think this way , your body does know what he needs , and he's sending you hunger pains so that you can feed your body again , remember that you never eat normal before , you were starving for so long , so how are you expecting your body to response once he gets food ?I’ve been semi-binging between meals and snacks... biscuits, chocolate, fruit
Anything I can get my hands on
I just wish I could have a normal and healthy relationship with food but it’s always too much or not enough and never an inbetween
It's completely normal , what you're getting through is called extreme hunger , and it's pretty commun in recovery .
your body needs the energy and the food that he was deprived from for so long , so don't expect to have a normal appetite like average people , you'll need more because your body definetly needs more .
so please don't be scared even if you feel like binging sometimes , it's not even binging , it's your body curing himself from years long of starving .
once you reach a healthy bmi and get to your set point , i promise you won't deal with this again , your body will response normally with food if you feed him properly . don't worry hun , you are having a normal relationship right now with food because you finally chose recovery , just listen to what your body is telling you and don't worry , you won't have those binge urges forever , they'll be gone once you reach your set point ♡
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#2197
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Posted 22 April 2018 - 03:40 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 21 Apr 2018 - 6:33 PM, said:
I’ve been semi-binging between meals and snacks... biscuits, chocolate, fruit
Anything I can get my hands on
I just wish I could have a normal and healthy relationship with food but it’s always too much or not enough and never an inbetween
is there food available in between meals? in ip they didn't allow us to eat outside of our set meals. can you ask staff to help you stick to just eating your meals? or maybe increase your meals if it's not enough food so you are still hungry and therefore binging? I can understand about it being too little or too much. i'm sure staff can help if you tell them <3 you are doing so well so far, keep going xxx
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Posted 22 April 2018 - 06:50 AM
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Posted 22 April 2018 - 09:46 AM
Sent from ur moms house
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Posted 22 April 2018 - 10:06 AM
savorthebehavior, on 22 Apr 2018 - 09:46 AM, said:
your recovering body looks amazing. your attitude is amazing. you’re amazing. sending all the strength because your words are inspo as fuck ❤️
Sent from ur moms house
x2
honestly, that's all I can say
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Posted 20 May 2018 - 06:36 AM
silath, on 20 May 2018 - 05:24 AM, said:
Honestly, even what?Why would you even.
I’m sorry I replied to a thread without clicking through over 100 pages first. Like yeah I feel bad but like oh no!!! I made a mistake expressing my shock regarding the energy in chilli flakes...
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Posted 20 May 2018 - 06:46 AM
winterbutterfly01, on 20 May 2018 - 06:36 AM, said:
Honestly, even what?
I’m sorry I replied to a thread without clicking through over 100 pages first. Like yeah I feel bad but like oh no!!! I made a mistake expressing my shock regarding the energy in chilli flakes...
Yes, goodness forbid we take a second to think about how our words might affect someone else before blurting/typing them out. This is of course a feat that is somehow lost on humanity.
#2263
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Posted 20 May 2018 - 07:23 AM
winterbutterfly01, on 20 May 2018 - 06:36 AM, said:
When it comes to accountabilities it’s pretty important to check what’s going on. Commenting about calories on the accountability of someone who is in recovery because they are nearly dying? Not cool.Honestly, even what?
I’m sorry I replied to a thread without clicking through over 100 pages first. Like yeah I feel bad but like oh no!!! I made a mistake expressing my shock regarding the energy in chilli flakes...
I know you didn’t mean any harm but it’s still a bit thoughtless with all the later context. Which you didn’t know, but might want to check next time.
Since you feel bad maybe go delete the comment?
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Posted 20 May 2018 - 08:43 AM
silath, on 20 May 2018 - 06:46 AM, said:
Yes, goodness forbid we take a second to think about how our words might affect someone else before blurting/typing them out. This is of course a feat that is somehow lost on humanity.
mate. I didn’t scroll through the pages because I didn’t initially look at how long they go. we’re literally on an eating disorder website, it popped up and let’s be fucking real it was about CHILLI FLAKES. glad to hear you’re a saint living life completely free of mistakes? get your head out of your ass.
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Posted 22 May 2018 - 10:46 AM
winterbutterfly01, on 20 May 2018 - 08:43 AM, said:
i am also getting sick of the white-knights in this thread. like let the girl speak for herself if she finds anything offensive, it's her thread. she is recovering and is so much mentally stronger than before, it's kinda patronizing to think she'd be triggered over a short comment on chilli flakes. she's been doing amazing and i can absolutely guarantee one random comment won't affect her journey. so if she finds something offensive, i'm sure she'll speak up. no need to jump on LITERALLY every single person who writes something neutral/not overwhelmingly positive/unrelated. remember, not only she is struggling on this website. not everyone here can be on their best behaviour 24/7. ugh this 'holier-than-thou' shit is really unnecessary.mate. I didn’t scroll through the pages because I didn’t initially look at how long they go. we’re literally on an eating disorder website, it popped up and let’s be fucking real it was about CHILLI FLAKES. glad to hear you’re a saint living life completely free of mistakes? get your head out of your ass.
anyway been lurking a while and this thread gives me hope for all of us. thank you for being so open and raw about everything!
#2268
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Posted 26 May 2018 - 06:46 PM
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aspen |20|they/them|non binary|
u p d a t e d ; feb 18th 2022
jul 5th 2022
height; 5'1.5 [~156cm]
current weight;166.2 165.6 ???? [been bingeing the last week or so]
probs around 175
starting weight;169.8 [jan 2022]
highest weight;176
goal weight one;170
goal weight two;165
goal weight three;160
goal weight four;155
goal weight five;150
goal weight six;146
goal weight seven;140
goal weight eight;132
goal weight nine;124
goal weight ten;112
goal weight eleven;105
goal weight twelve;100
goal weight thirteen;92
goal weight fourteen;87
u l t i m a t e g o a l
86.
174 173
172 171 170 169 168 167 166 165 164 163
162 161 160 159 158 157 156 155 154 153
152 151 150 149 148 147 146 145 144 143
142 141 140 139 138 137 136 135 134 133
132 131 130 129 128 127 126 125 124 123
122 121 120 119 118 117 116 115 114 113
112 111 110 109 108 107 106 105 104 103
102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95 94 93
92 91 90 89 88 87 86
#2269
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Posted 26 May 2018 - 06:46 PM
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aspen |20|they/them|non binary|
u p d a t e d ; feb 18th 2022
jul 5th 2022
height; 5'1.5 [~156cm]
current weight;166.2 165.6 ???? [been bingeing the last week or so]
probs around 175
starting weight;169.8 [jan 2022]
highest weight;176
goal weight one;170
goal weight two;165
goal weight three;160
goal weight four;155
goal weight five;150
goal weight six;146
goal weight seven;140
goal weight eight;132
goal weight nine;124
goal weight ten;112
goal weight eleven;105
goal weight twelve;100
goal weight thirteen;92
goal weight fourteen;87
u l t i m a t e g o a l
86.
174 173
172 171 170 169 168 167 166 165 164 163
162 161 160 159 158 157 156 155 154 153
152 151 150 149 148 147 146 145 144 143
142 141 140 139 138 137 136 135 134 133
132 131 130 129 128 127 126 125 124 123
122 121 120 119 118 117 116 115 114 113
112 111 110 109 108 107 106 105 104 103
102 101 100 99 98 97 96 95 94 93
92 91 90 89 88 87 86
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Posted 29 May 2018 - 07:34 AM
Yes I'm also back just to say I hope you are having the best of your life so far right now and that you are happy and at peace with everything. Rock on .
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Posted 03 June 2018 - 07:25 AM
I hope you're doing well with everything and feeling better in every way possible. Sending hugs and love your way as usual
#2272
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Posted 06 June 2018 - 05:41 PM
Been a while since I have been on here and wanted to see how you were doing. From what I have read you are doing so much better and putting you first! I am happy for you! I hope and pray you are doing well and loving yourself as you should.
#2273
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Posted 06 June 2018 - 09:51 PM
And god has my life gotten so much better
I now remember things and people
- a nurse told me yesterday that when I came in she introduced herself to me four times before I remembered her
I now have a crush
I have feelings and emotions
I eat with a lot more freedom and variety
I start day program next week for a month, then I go home for two months and then come back IP for two weeks at least to make sure I’m going well on the outside
My BMI almost 17 and I don’t hate my body anymore
I can’t wait to be healthy and get my period back
Recovery has been the hardest and most painful thing I’ve ever tried but my god, it’s nothing compared to living with my ED day in and day out
#2274
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#2275
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Posted 06 June 2018 - 10:31 PM
Food diary
Body checks
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Posted 07 June 2018 - 02:56 AM
I'm so glad to read your latest positive post! I'm so so happy for you and can't wait for your life to just continue getting better (not that it will be easy, as it hasn't been easy so far) but I'm glad you can see the benefits, and how recovering is so much better for your body and your mind. Sending you positive thoughts and lots of love xx
#2278
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Posted 07 June 2018 - 08:23 AM
I'm so proud of you, little sis.
HW: 198 (20/05/20) LW: ~120-125 CW: 186 (06/06/20)
GW1: 185
GW2: 180
GW3: 175
GW4: 170
GW5: 165
GW6: 160
UGW: 130
Control Freak Club - personal accountability: https://www.myproana...-accountability
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Posted 07 June 2018 - 11:46 AM
Thank you so much for the news ! Your current state of mind seems amazing, and I'm sure I'm not the only one absolutely happy for you. It's really the first time I read that a woman looks forward to her periods - that shows how much you want to be done with your issues, and that just made smiling because I'm happy for you Please keep us up to date frequently
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Posted 03 May 2018 - 03:57 PM
*heyfattybumbum*, on 30 Apr 2018 - 01:12 AM, said:
Hi how you doing today?
I’m ok, how are you?
maybenottoday, on 30 Apr 2018 - 01:54 AM, said:
Hey everyone I'm writing this on behalf of AnorexicMindTrickery as she thinks it'd be better if she distanced herself from this website while she is recovering.
First of all I'll just say that everyone here should be so proud of this incredible girl we've all been reading about for so long. she has been through so much and still is one of the funniest and nicest people out there who would literally put all of her problems aside if you had a tiny one. She is my best friend and I love her so much and I know how much she wants to live her life which is going to be beautiful because she's just that strong that she can turn a shitty circumstance into something gorgeousescent. Everyone should be so proud of her ! She looks so so beautiful not that that even matters in any way because she is as stunning on the inside too and that's what counts.
Her discharge date is coming up soon and she'll be spending some time getting used to everything. I know that she has got this I truly don't know a stronger person.
Also I know she will want me to say this but basically, if you are obsessing over your body or food or control or revenge or anything that we all think about so much, you aren't really living. The thousands diets and challenges on here just make us sadder and more scared of the world we should be living in. So please choose to live.
And if anyone who comes on this thread to ask diet tips or say anything negative just know that you are hurting a lot of people, especially the owner of this thread.
I know that she loves everyone here so thank you for being here for her <3
Gaaaahhh
Aren’t you just the sweetest
mayuu~, on 30 Apr 2018 - 06:09 AM, said:
I haven't exactly commented on this thread before, so I know that I probably seem like an intruder...... I haven't read through all the pages of this thread either, but I know that it's been a long, rough, difficult ride - and I just have to say that I am so, so proud of you.
I'm so proud of you for choosing to live, for finally being able to commit yourself to a life without this disease. Sometimes, when we've sunk so deep into our illness, we end up losing not only relationships with people, opportunities in life, but also ourselves. That's something I've realized - My lungs may still be exhaling and inhaling, my heart may still be beating - but I'm just not me anymore. With every passing day, I feel like that me and the disease are merging together closer and closer, intertwined so tightly...... that I no longer know what my passions, interests, dreams, ambitions, are - I no longer even know who I am. And that, in my opinion, is the saddest part of the disease - It destroys not only the physical body, but eats away at the mind too, ruthlessly destroying every fragment of who you used to be. And yet it somehow still offers a sense of security, an illusion of safety, which is why it's so hard to break away. It's kind of like getting used to being in a warm, dark tunnel - You get used to being in the dark and having everything quiet and peaceful and safe, so the prospect of even taking a peek outside is daunting and scary, because unlike in the tunnel, it's full of the unknown, and that can be scary.
I'm sorry that I started rambling again - that's a habit of mine I really need to fix haha ^^; And I know that you've decided to take a break from mpa in order to focus more on recovery too - so I don't know when exactly you'll read this. I just wanted to say that I am so, so proud of you for making this brave decision not only for your family and other people, but for yourself too. I really admire your strength, perseverance, and courage <3
I wish you all the best in recovery, and in the journey to rediscover yourself. <3
Thank you so much for this gorgeous message, I wish you all the best in your journey
Look after yourself
kikiskates, on 01 May 2018 - 2:48 PM, said:
I know this is old but you forgot the part about the zero calorie s'mores
can’t forget the s’moresP i g g y, on 02 May 2018 - 03:17 AM, said:
Sending lot's of love your way lovely! I haven't been on MPA for a while or had time to read through all of your posts but I hope you're doing well x
I’m doing pretty well, how about you?
just.another.wintergirl, on 03 May 2018 - 09:37 AM, said:
Hiya lovely! Just wanted to say that I’m super proud of you!!! You got this and I love you sm.
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Awww love you too gorgeous ❤️
Mireina, on 03 May 2018 - 07:53 AM, said:
About youtube, Megsy and Stephanie are great, I love them, too! Jen Brett is super nice, MerryRose Howley, Daphne Fischer and Recovery.chii are also cool
I’ve seen most of those people! Thanks for the suggestions
#2242
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Posted 05 May 2018 - 01:38 AM
My BMI is now around 17
I don’t give a shit about how I look anymore
Yay?
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Posted 05 May 2018 - 05:44 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 05 May 2018 - 01:38 AM, said:
My BMI is now around 17
I don’t give a shit about how I look anymore
Yay?
Not caring about your appearance is great! it's time to focus on you, your inner-self. Hope all is well lovely x
I'm doing well too, thank you for asking! x
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Posted 05 May 2018 - 01:16 PM
I'm so glad you made the decision to heal yourself! Your mental strength is admirable. Keep on keeping on, my dear!
Also, remember that a 17 bmi is still considered underweight and thin. But it's good that you've decided to let it go and not care anymore. Your body has been tortured long enough. You deserve to eat and live and be happy! It is possible to still be thin without starving yourself. So don't worry love! It's going to be okay.
You are more than just your body and numbers on a scale. You are a human being with an incredible mind, a big heart, and a lovely soul. You are transforming yourself into the person that you are meant to be. Enjoy the transformation as much as you can, without guilt or fear. <3 Life is an amazing journey, so let's enjoy it while we are here. Much love!
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Posted 05 May 2018 - 09:29 PM
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Posted 06 May 2018 - 04:32 AM
I was going to post a before and after photo
And it made me really study my ‘before’ body
What the fuck did I do to myself?
And why?
For what reason?
To be the skinniest bitch on some insignificant website?
For the rush of sick pride when I say I did it?
To be another pro ana in a sea of struggling people?
I am so much more than a number, my life will be defined by what I do as a person and how many lives I touch
Never ever again by numbers
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#2251
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Posted 06 May 2018 - 06:57 AM
You did something really hard for most of us to do , you got your life back , you're finally free from the ED voice .
You're really gifted because you are finally free from this terrible world of ED ..
I'm proud of you , please keep going ,we are all supporting you , you did the right thing with recovery . because this is what all people deserve , have the ability to eat normally .♡
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#2252
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Posted 07 May 2018 - 06:09 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 06 May 2018 - 04:32 AM, said:
I was going to post a before and after photo
And it made me really study my ‘before’ body
What the fuck did I do to myself?
And why?
For what reason?
To be the skinniest bitch on some insignificant website?
For the rush of sick pride when I say I did it?
To be another pro ana in a sea of struggling people?
I am so much more than a number, my life will be defined by what I do as a person and how many lives I touch
Never ever again by numbers
❤️❤️ you deserve to live a life that isn’t defined by an eating disorder.
#2254
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Posted 07 May 2018 - 01:16 PM
I'm impressed by how much you changed. While this seems a stupid question, it might be hepful for others, so here it is. If you could send a few lines of text to yourself in the past, would you say something other than the winning lottery numbers?
#2256
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Posted 13 May 2018 - 10:46 PM
I'm not sure what to say, a small part of me is posting this so people don't get forcibly unfollowed
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#2257
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Posted 15 May 2018 - 05:10 PM
I hope all I just said was okay to say, I'm just kind of overwhelmed with knowing you're alright to be honest. Like I said, I don't even remember the last time I was on here, so it's pretty wild seeing your progress. I'm really happy for you! I hope everything works out on your end of things. Godspeed <3
#2258
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Posted 20 May 2018 - 02:22 AM
aaah i'm so happy for you i just wanted to check how you're doing because i wasn't here for a few months and to see that you're doing so great is truly making my day!
so proud of you
hw: 170lbs / 78kg (bmi: 26.4)
cw: 128lbs / 58.5kg (bmi: 19.8)
lw: 126lbs / 57.2kg (bmi: 19.3)
height: 5'8" / 172cm
gw1: 159lbs / 72kg (bmi: 24.3)
gw2: 155lbs / 70kg (bmi: 23.8)gw3: 144lbs / 65kg (bmi: 22.7gw4: 130lbs / 59kg (bmi: 19.9)
ugw: 119lbs / 54kg (bmi: 18.3)
...: 110lbs / 49.5kg (bmi: 16.7)
...: 99lbs /45kg (bmi: 15.2)
#2259
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Posted 20 May 2018 - 03:20 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 15 Nov 2017 - 10:59 PM, said:
Just ate about 4 heaping tbsp of dried chilli flakes with my dinner and I thought that’d be like 10 calories turns out it’s about 80 (1tbsp=20) and I’m freaking out as I do this all the time and it has a lot of calories and I’m dying and I hate myself so much so I’m exercising and I tried to purge but I can’t dickrvsyaiwndmf
WHAT HOW IS 1TBSP 20 CALORIES (i know this is from forever ago but i started at the beginning 😇)
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#2302
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Posted 12 July 2018 - 05:28 PM
Feel so ashamed
I’m 49kg right now
So upset
But everyone is happy
And my life is awesome
I’m back home for a few days
Loving the family time and cat time (he’s SO ADORABLE)
We’re having a farewell/goodbye party tonight as we’re moving to Sydney from Vic
Thanks for all the beautiful messages guys, you’re amazing!!!!
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Posted 17 July 2018 - 10:45 PM
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Posted 25 July 2018 - 05:31 AM
I'm so happy for you gorgeous, you've come such a long way since I last saw this thread!
Don't ever feel ashamed - it's a long journey to get better and sometimes you'll have more ups than downs and sometimes more down than ups
Ahh you're moving home again!! Congrats lovely, I can't express how proud of you I am x
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Posted 25 July 2018 - 09:31 AM
HI LOVE, I'VE BEEN ABSENT FOR A WHILE BUT HERE I AM
I'm literally sitting here teary-eyed in my car on my lunch break because I'm so relieved and PROUD. You're doing an INCREDIBLE job and doing so many good things to give yourself a happy life!! You're an inspiration and I can't even put into words my feelings right now!!
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Posted 02 August 2018 - 04:37 AM
P i g g y, on 25 Jul 2018 - 05:31 AM, said:
I'm so happy for you gorgeous, you've come such a long way since I last saw this thread!
Don't ever feel ashamed - it's a long journey to get better and sometimes you'll have more ups than downs and sometimes more down than ups
Ahh you're moving home again!! Congrats lovely, I can't express how proud of you I am x
Love you so much aaaaah
Ground Zero, on 17 Jul 2018 - 10:45 PM, said:
Read through this whole thread today and wow I am so happy to see how it's all turned out. Hope you enjoy the move!
Aww you’re so sweet! Thank you
ZannaTries, on 25 Jul 2018 - 09:31 AM, said:
HI LOVE, I'VE BEEN ABSENT FOR A WHILE BUT HERE I AM
I'm literally sitting here teary-eyed in my car on my lunch break because I'm so relieved and PROUD. You're doing an INCREDIBLE job and doing so many good things to give yourself a happy life!! You're an inspiration and I can't even put into words my feelings right now!!
Aaaahhhh you’re so beautiful, thank you so much beautiful, this means a lot
#2308
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Posted 02 August 2018 - 04:38 AM
sock demon, on 18 Jun 2018 - 01:28 AM, said:
I'm so so happy for you sweet! Don't you dare give up or I will personally come to your house and give you such a big hug that you decide to continue your road to
recoverya full and happy life. It must be so nice having emotions and energy again. Hopefully one day I will join you! So proud of you for taking these big steps, and you are a massive inspiration.
Although it was really fun talking to you on here, I kind of hope I never see you on here ever again. I hope you live a long and happy life free of this horrible illness that has taken away time that you could be spreading your sunshine to the rest of the world.
Love ya!
You’re so so so so beautiful fucking hell
Love you so much
#2309
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Posted 02 August 2018 - 04:39 AM
mypiranha, on 10 Jul 2018 - 12:23 PM, said:
How are you doing this month sweets?
Really good mentally
A bit sad body image wise but everything else is good
How are you? Xxxx
#2310
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Posted 02 August 2018 - 04:41 AM
In-a-cloud, on 14 Jun 2018 - 3:38 PM, said:
You have been in my thoughts (happy thoughts!). It's good to hear from you and know that you are ok. I think you are brave and wonderful.
I think you’re amazing and so so kind
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#2311
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Posted 02 August 2018 - 07:32 AM
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#2312
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Posted 02 August 2018 - 07:42 AM
I don't know what else to say, other than that I'm so so so happy for you. <3
sending love and hugs <3 ^^
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diagnosed with anorexia nervosa restrictive type July 2017
currently in forced recovery
stats
SW: 124 lbs/56.2 kg...... maybe more because I didn't dare to weigh for a while =w= (BMI 22+)
LW: 77-78 lbs/35 kg (bmi 13.8)
CW: higher than LW bc fuck forced treatment
Height: 160 cm/5'3
inpatient rant thread: https://www.myproana...view=getnewpost
body pic spam: https://www.myproana...odycheck-spam/
#2313 Guest_Melon15_*
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Posted 02 August 2018 - 09:52 AM
#2314
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Posted 03 August 2018 - 07:41 AM
I'm so happy for you lovely! I hope all is well x
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#2315
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Posted 07 August 2018 - 06:02 PM
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#2316
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Posted 13 August 2018 - 04:59 AM
amazing, you are such an inspiration!
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#2317
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Posted 18 August 2018 - 03:55 PM
your body build is amazing.
you look great. so happy for you
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#2318
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Posted 18 August 2018 - 03:57 PM
hey fellow aussie!
you're stunning and you've come such a long way
proud af over here
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#2319
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Posted 18 August 2018 - 05:23 PM
I’m here if you need a supportive friend.
I am following your thread and I started at page one. My OCD won’t permit otherwise, lol.
I know I’m “behind” so it feel odd replying to an old post of yours....just know I’m reading and you’re not alone. PM me anytime and send a friend request if you like!
I see you’re in recovery and that’s GREAT! I’ll keep reading and here to support you in your journey.
G
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Posted 19 August 2018 - 09:47 PM
ElsaXAnna, on 02 Aug 2018 - 07:32 AM, said:
Awew, babe!!! I am so so so proud of you, you have no idea!
Aw! Thank you gorgeous
mayuu~, on 02 Aug 2018 - 07:42 AM, said:
I don't know what else to say, other than that I'm so so so happy for you. <3
sending love and hugs <3 ^^
Sending love back brooooo
Thank you for your message
Melon15, on 02 Aug 2018 - 09:52 AM, said:
I think your brave and beautiful and I hope your happy forever and ever because you deserve to be happy!
Hahaha that’s SO SWEET
you deserve that too, hopefully we can reach happiness together
P i g g y, on 03 Aug 2018 - 07:41 AM, said:
I'm so happy for you lovely! I hope all is well x
I’m going really well, how are you? Xx
Chocolate Wolf, on 07 Aug 2018 - 6:02 PM, said:
I just finished reading through the entire thread and I just want to say that you are amazing and inspiring. I'm so happy that you're recovering. I hope that you continue to fight for a happy, healthy life because you deserve it. ❤️
You’re so lovely! I hope you fight too beautiful
uponanaswings, on 13 Aug 2018 - 04:59 AM, said:
amazing, you are such an inspiration!
love you girlllllBlankThighs, on 18 Aug 2018 - 3:55 PM, said:
your body build is amazing.
you look great. so happy for you
Why thank you you lovely woman!
stilltriggered, on 18 Aug 2018 - 3:57 PM, said:
hey fellow aussie!
you're stunning and you've come such a long way
proud af over here
I’m blushing
thank you so much!!! Genevieve99, on 18 Aug 2018 - 5:23 PM, said:
Hi, dear!
I’m here if you need a supportive friend.
I am following your thread and I started at page one. My OCD won’t permit otherwise, lol.
I know I’m “behind” so it feel odd replying to an old post of yours....just know I’m reading and you’re not alone. PM me anytime and send a friend request if you like!
I see you’re in recovery and that’s GREAT! I’ll keep reading and here to support you in your journey.
G
I followed you back! Thanks for your support! Hope you’re doing well! ❤️❤️
#2322
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Posted 20 August 2018 - 06:45 AM
you have no idea how happy your latest update made me. <3
You're so beautiful and amazing and I'm so, so, so proud of you. I love your new hair colour (it really suits you!) but your smile is what kind of moved me the most.
I hope that you can continue to smile like that for the rest of your life, I wish you all the happiness in the world. I'm so happy that recovery worked out for you <3
congratulations on the progress - not just the physical but the mental too, honestly today I was reading back on the previous pages of your thread and I'm so so proud of how far you've come. You've got this <3
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diagnosed with anorexia nervosa restrictive type July 2017
currently in forced recovery
stats
SW: 124 lbs/56.2 kg...... maybe more because I didn't dare to weigh for a while =w= (BMI 22+)
LW: 77-78 lbs/35 kg (bmi 13.8)
CW: higher than LW bc fuck forced treatment
Height: 160 cm/5'3
inpatient rant thread: https://www.myproana...view=getnewpost
body pic spam: https://www.myproana...odycheck-spam/
#2323
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Posted 20 August 2018 - 07:55 AM
you are beautiful and you look so happy. it is wonderful to see you and how much progress you have made! love you xxx
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#2324
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Posted 22 August 2018 - 05:04 AM
i'm doing well, thank you for asking!
you're such a beautiful person gah i'm so, so happy for you I can't describe it ahah xx
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#2325
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Posted 22 August 2018 - 06:20 AM
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#2326
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Posted 22 August 2018 - 01:40 PM
Hi beautiful Your smiling face made my day. Wow so so happy for you .
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#2327
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Posted 27 August 2018 - 08:50 AM
I'm also glad that I've followed your journey from the start, and am super happy to see you finally smiling ️- AnorexicMindTrickery likes this
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#2328
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Posted 27 August 2018 - 05:32 PM
Congratulations and good luck with whatever you choose to do or be.
Sent from my A570BL using Tapatalk
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#arduous
hw: 138+/- bmi: n/a
lw: 103.00 bmi: 18.2/18.8
cw: gross bmi: fat
gw1: 120.5 bmi: 22.0
gw2: 115.0 bmi: 21.0
=================
gw3: 113.0 bmi 20.0
gw4: 107.0 bmi 19.0
gw5: 101.5 bmi 18.0
gw6: 96.0 bmi 17.0
ugw? 93.0 bmi 16.5
(height updated below line)
"she had willingly corrupted herself. she had been eager for change, for attention and distractions"
"here's a real question: how have you survived this long when you are so violently self destructive?"
#2329
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Posted 04 September 2018 - 08:49 AM
Yep, gonna cry again! I love that smile on your face!! ❤️ You're a warrior!
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#2331
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Posted 08 September 2018 - 08:33 PM
Omg I just saw the pictures you posted - holy heck, you're amazing!!
I can't believe how far you've come, you're such an inspiration!
Gah i'm actually so so so so so happy for you, you look so o vibrant, happy and full of life now.
You're such a beautiful person inside and out, i'm just so extremely proud of you!
Sending you all the hugs and proudness (is that even a word ahah) your way x
#2333
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Posted 20 September 2018 - 03:18 AM
mayuu~, on 20 Aug 2018 - 06:45 AM, said:
you have no idea how happy your latest update made me. <3
You're so beautiful and amazing and I'm so, so, so proud of you. I love your new hair colour (it really suits you!) but your smile is what kind of moved me the most.
I hope that you can continue to smile like that for the rest of your life, I wish you all the happiness in the world. I'm so happy that recovery worked out for you <3
congratulations on the progress - not just the physical but the mental too, honestly today I was reading back on the previous pages of your thread and I'm so so proud of how far you've come. You've got this <3
Fuck man, I’m so glad my genuine smile measly that much to you, I’m so grateful for your message, you’re one beautiful and supportive human, that’s for sure! You’re so kind (autocorrect tried to change kind to kinky
)I can only hope that one day you get to a place where you’re happy and comfortable
uponanaswings, on 20 Aug 2018 - 07:55 AM, said:
you are beautiful and you look so happy. it is wonderful to see you and how much progress you have made! love you xxx
I love you so much babe
P i g g y, on 22 Aug 2018 - 05:04 AM, said:
i'm doing well, thank you for asking!
you're such a beautiful person gah i'm so, so happy for you I can't describe it ahah xx
I’m so so so glad to hear that!
Love you gal, thanks for sticking around
*heyfattybumbum*, on 22 Aug 2018 - 06:20 AM, said:
Wow, you look fantastic! So happy!!!
Awwwwwwwww you’re so sweet! Thank you so much gorgeous
In-a-cloud, on 22 Aug 2018 - 1:40 PM, said:
Hi beautiful
Stop it you hahah
CuteThinPizza, on 27 Aug 2018 - 08:50 AM, said:
I'm stunned with your new looks
You’re such a legend, thank you for supporting me start to finish bitchhhhh
False Walls, on 27 Aug 2018 - 5:32 PM, said:
I've spent the last few weeks reading this like it was a suspenseful novel, I never would have expected such a happy ending. You are absolutely beautiful right now, you glow with life and energy and you have such a sweet personality. I am so glad I was able to see how far you have come. I am also glad you've made so many supportive friends, these people have stuck with you at your low points, stuck around when you gave up, those are true friends not there because you are something to stare at, or because you are healthy, but because of who you are as a person.
Congratulations and good luck with whatever you choose to do or be.
Sent from my A570BL using Tapatalk
This is literally so so sweet, you’re such a lovely person,
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words, they resonate with me completely
ZannaTries, on 04 Sept 2018 - 08:49 AM, said:
You look *alive.*
Yep, gonna cry again! I love that smile on your face!! ❤️ You're a warrior!
StoP DONT CRYYY
I love you so much
I hope you smile with the same inner happiness one day
Mrs.BlackCoffee, on 06 Sept 2018 - 06:34 AM, said:
OMG you are so beautifull
Thank you beautiful ❤️❤️
P i g g y, on 08 Sept 2018 - 8:33 PM, said:
Omg I just saw the pictures you posted - holy heck, you're amazing!!
I can't believe how far you've come, you're such an inspiration!
Gah i'm actually so so so so so happy for you, you look so o vibrant, happy and full of life now.
You're such a beautiful person inside and out, i'm just so extremely proud of you!
Sending you all the hugs and proudness (is that even a word ahah) your way x
)))))))*hugs*
Hahaha proudness needs to be a word if it isnt already!
Love you so SOOO bloody much 🧡
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#2337
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Posted 14 October 2018 - 06:48 AM
My bmi is 23
How did I get here?
Double the weight I was this time last year
I feel disgusting
I’ve been writing a lot of songs which is kind of helping so that my thoughts and fears aren’t in my head anymore. So that they’re not scary but instead are made into something beautiful
Stretch marks cover almost all of my legs, butt, stomach and hips
I looked so much better at bmi 14-15
Even my face had a better shape
I haven’t been to see anyone for months, no one will care
I won’t get sick again
Not the way I did last time
A confidence boost
So I can leave the house
The funny thing is that it would take half a year
Not a few weeks or a month
6 months
I think it’s worth it though
I think I’m going to start posting here again... if you guys don’t mind? I just don’t think I can stay the way I am
I feel like I’m breaking
Crumbling with every crumb I eat
Thank you for all the support, you all boasted me up at my worst and boosted me higher at my best
This community has been the best friend I never had
#2338
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Posted 14 October 2018 - 07:02 AM
I'm around 23 right now and I've been more and been a lot less too. I just don't seem to have the self discipline anymore to restrict properly at 34 with 2 kids and the number one priority to keep myself away from booze!! Else I will lose the children for good. I do wanna lose from 23 tho, how much and if I can even achieve it remains to be seen!
Be great to have you back posting tho! I think stupid MPA unfollows everyone if a thread goes quiet so I'll re-follow!
You're doing amazing and look great trust me xxx
#2339
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Posted 14 October 2018 - 07:23 AM
Something that would make me stand out, make me special
But when things did happen I wished I hadn’t wished in the first place, because I realised I stole the innocence from myself
We ended up moving next door to ‘her’
Nothing I’d do would never be acceptable or right
Eventually by 9 when I had no home to live in she wasn’t there to tell me I was wrong and that I’m lazy, wrong, stupid, eat too much, and always do things the wrong way
So I told it to myself
I became my own tormentor
Always asking what others wanted, what others liked, what others thought and no matter what my preferences were I agreed with them and moulded into the perfect friend who always listens and whom you share all of your likes and dislikes with! The girl who understands. The girl who treats you like royalty. The girl who never complains or gets angry or disagrees. The perfect parrot, you tell me something and I say it right back to you because I’d rather die than disagree, because I’m always wrong, right?
My triggers:
1- A few weeks ago I went to a social, a dance/formal/a less formal and big ‘prom’ thing on a boat
I was walking to the corner where my dad was going to pick me up in a few minutes
While on that corner a group of men saw me
They started yelling at me, one telling me to come with them, one shaking a bottle of some sort of liquor at me and inviting me over and a few others just laughing and looking at me with hungry eyes
I shook my head in shock and yelled no and I slowly and cautiously (as to not stir any trouble) walked to another corner a few streets away because I was scared that by refusing their offer they’d come and find me and not ask the second time. I told dad to reroute to where I was now.
He was already really mad at me, so I didn’t tell him what happened
I couldn’t do anything about it and neither could anyone else right then and there
I couldn’t see their faces because I was trying not to look at them and give them the wrong idea, I only looked over when I felt they would get mad if I ignored them but not long enough to see all that much
Looking them in the eyes may have shown them my weakness
My fear
They didn’t touch me, they didn’t get to me physically but inside they did
I felt disgusting, I still do
All I know is that I never got this sort of when my BMI was lower
When my boobs were smaller
When my hair was brittle
When I looked younger
2- Nightmares:
I don’t sleep for more than 4 hours a night
I wake up from a dream with one of the worst headaches, cry for a really long time, try to call my mum but it’s only 1-2am so she doesn’t answer
I don’t want her to answer
I just want to hear her voicemail
To know that if I ever did pluck up the courage to talk to her about it, my phone was connected and I had her number
My most common nightmare is usually about being burned alive or being the one who set the fire that killed some of the people I loved the most
Some are about losing everyone I love, all of my family and friends reject me because I said or did something they didn’t like, being sexually assaulted, being beaten up, being killed and nobody noticing or caring, and a lot of others but those are the main reoccurring ones
3- My friends don’t reply to my messages anymore, and when they do it’s to try and stop me from talking to them
They have enough people in their lives
They don’t need me
4- In Sydney I’m isolated
I only know people with Eating Disorders and other mental health issues
I’m so lonely I don’t go out of my room
My body shakes a lot, spasms and restlessness are a daily struggle
5- My house in Victoria is almost gone
I want to move back because Sydney feels foreign and unsafe but I have nowhere to go
I feel trapped
————
Things I stopped doing:
Work:
I worked at a cafe
But talking to people everyday made me feel sick
I’d think about the encounters over and over wondering if I was nice enough, fast enough, did my job well enough...
Everytime I’d get an order wrong or not charge enough I’d get in slight trouble yet it felt like I was fucking everything up and that I couldn’t do anything right
School:
I quit school after a week
People hated men. Not many but even one person who hates me sends me into a spiral of overthinking everything I do and then start to think everyone hates me but is nice to my face. I got asked out a few times which freaked me out, I was cool on the outside and turned them down because why would someone like me, it was clearly a joke and even if it wasn’t I can’t take the risk that it is
This made me paranoid
I made friends I didn’t know if I could trust which made me more paranoid
All of the work load on top of my increasing paranoia and the weight of trying to look good, smell good, to seem ok, to not breakdown, to have a personality that people wanted to be friends with, to seem cool
It made me weak
Weaker than I already was
Cleaning:
My room is a mess, things are broken, clothes and objects strewn everywhere
I can’t walk around it anymore
I don’t get out of bed
I don’t change my clothes or wash my sheets often
I’m a mess on the outside and inside
#2340
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Posted 14 October 2018 - 07:26 AM
mypiranha, on 14 Oct 2018 - 07:02 AM, said:
Hey sweet pea, I know you have the doggy snap chat filter on but your face looks so much alive beautiful and radiant than it ever did at your lowest weights. Bmi 23 is not a bad place to be and definitely within the healthy range. If you're that depressed though I can understand aiming for bmi 20 or something just so it's not keeping you locked away from life.
I'm around 23 right now and I've been more and been a lot less too. I just don't seem to have the self discipline anymore to restrict properly at 34 with 2 kids and the number one priority to keep myself away from booze!! Else I will lose the children for good. I do wanna lose from 23 tho, how much and if I can even achieve it remains to be seen!
Be great to have you back posting tho! I think stupid MPA unfollows everyone if a thread goes quiet so I'll re-follow!
You're doing amazing and look great trust me xxx
Hey! That’s a picture of me at BMI 15, the one with the doggy Snapchat filter but thank you for trying to make me feel better
You are so strong to be able to do the best you can for your children, they’re so lucky to have a mother that would do anything to ensure that they’re happy. You’re truly a beautiful person
#2343
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Posted 14 October 2018 - 08:48 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 14 Oct 2018 - 07:26 AM, said:
Hey! That’s a picture of me at BMI 15, the one with the doggy Snapchat filter but thank you for trying to make me feel better
You are so strong to be able to do the best you can for your children, they’re so lucky to have a mother that would do anything to ensure that they’re happy. You’re truly a beautiful person
Thank you darling!
Hope I didn't put my foot in my mouth too much with the pic comment, Snapchat has a consistent theme of making us ALL look a lot Weller than we really do! Was talking to someone on here about how life needs a Snapchat filter really!
Hang in there sweets xx
#2344
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Posted 14 October 2018 - 09:02 AM
mypiranha, on 14 Oct 2018 - 08:48 AM, said:
Thank you darling!
Hope I didn't put my foot in my mouth too much with the pic comment, Snapchat has a consistent theme of making us ALL look a lot Weller than we really do! Was talking to someone on here about how life needs a Snapchat filter really!
Hang in there sweets xx
God no, it doesn’t matter at all babe! I agree!
Thanks for replying so fast, I really needed someone to talk to, even if just a little bit so thank you
#2345
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Posted 14 October 2018 - 10:34 AM
I read through your entire accountability a few weeks ago. I was terrified, then I was in absolute awe. Those stretch marks are your battle scars, magnificent ones at that. You are a veteran. You don’t need to keep going back to that war. You don’t need to keep retraumatizing yourself.
I know it seems hopeless right now but this is where the long-term healing comes in. You have deep work to do and the interaction with those men is part of it. It’s another challenge that you can’t imagine overcoming but when you do, your life will expand even more. Hard things will become easier. But if you run back to your ED, you will have just frozen that traumatic moment in time and etched it deeper in your brain. Your fear will only grow each time. Find someone safe (is a therapist a possibility?) and talk, talk, talk about it. Put yourself out there and give it time.
Keep marching. You’re in my heart, warrior.
#2346
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Posted 14 October 2018 - 11:28 AM
Aw, babe. You have made such unbelievable progress. You have fought and marched and have not give up. You have been such an inspiration and I admired your every decision and step. It would be such a waste to throw all of this amazing mental and physical improvement down the drain. Do you have a therapist? Someone professional to talk to?
You deserve to live your life to the fullest free from this awful disease, beautiful, strong warrior <3
#2347
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Posted 14 October 2018 - 12:10 PM
tiredchronic, on 14 Oct 2018 - 10:34 AM, said:
Hey.
I read through your entire accountability a few weeks ago. I was terrified, then I was in absolute awe. Those stretch marks are your battle scars, magnificent ones at that. You are a veteran. You don’t need to keep going back to that war. You don’t need to keep retraumatizing yourself.
I know it seems hopeless right now but this is where the long-term healing comes in. You have deep work to do and the interaction with those men is part of it. It’s another challenge that you can’t imagine overcoming but when you do, your life will expand even more. Hard things will become easier. But if you run back to your ED, you will have just frozen that traumatic moment in time and etched it deeper in your brain. Your fear will only grow each time. Find someone safe (is a therapist a possibility?) and talk, talk, talk about it. Put yourself out there and give it time.
Keep marching. You’re in my heart, warrior.
Now this is good stuff omg!!
#2348
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Posted 14 October 2018 - 03:38 PM
#2349
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Posted 14 October 2018 - 03:49 PM
tiredchronic, on 14 Oct 2018 - 10:34 AM, said:
Hey.
I read through your entire accountability a few weeks ago. I was terrified, then I was in absolute awe. Those stretch marks are your battle scars, magnificent ones at that. You are a veteran. You don’t need to keep going back to that war. You don’t need to keep retraumatizing yourself.
I know it seems hopeless right now but this is where the long-term healing comes in. You have deep work to do and the interaction with those men is part of it. It’s another challenge that you can’t imagine overcoming but when you do, your life will expand even more. Hard things will become easier. But if you run back to your ED, you will have just frozen that traumatic moment in time and etched it deeper in your brain. Your fear will only grow each time. Find someone safe (is a therapist a possibility?) and talk, talk, talk about it. Put yourself out there and give it time.
Keep marching. You’re in my heart, warrior.
You should be a poet because goddamn that was poetic as fuck
I’m so sorry that I’m letting you down, I know a therapist would be a good idea but the only thing that’s helped me in my past has been making my own decisions (like IP) and I’m not at a place where I’m ready to do that yet
I am really deeply sorry, I know not only you but everyone (including myself) will be disappointed but I’ve been trying to be so positive for so long that the only thing I have left is sadness
Thank you for sticking around til the end. I always wonder what it would be like to read this thread from an outsiders perspective. Maybe I’ll have to read it back and see what I’ve gone through, see if that’ll help
Thank you for your message/reply/comment?
ElsaXAnna, on 14 Oct 2018 - 11:28 AM, said:
Aw, babe. You have made such unbelievable progress. You have fought and marched and have not give up. You have been such an inspiration and I admired your every decision and step. It would be such a waste to throw all of this amazing mental and physical improvement down the drain. Do you have a therapist? Someone professional to talk to?
You deserve to live your life to the fullest free from this awful disease, beautiful, strong warrior <3
Hey!
I know it’s been a while and I’ve been ‘inspirational’ but I’m at a point where I can’t do it anymore
I love you and this community so much and I want to be someone to look up to but I feel broken
And when I feel broken I take my mind off it with my ED, it distracts me from everything that’s happened in my past up until the present
Thank you for the support but I understand if you don’t want to stick around
❤️
#2352
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Posted 15 October 2018 - 10:12 AM
Sent from my A570BL using Tapatalk
#arduous
hw: 138+/- bmi: n/a
lw: 103.00 bmi: 18.2/18.8
cw: gross bmi: fat
gw1: 120.5 bmi: 22.0
gw2: 115.0 bmi: 21.0
=================
gw3: 113.0 bmi 20.0
gw4: 107.0 bmi 19.0
gw5: 101.5 bmi 18.0
gw6: 96.0 bmi 17.0
ugw? 93.0 bmi 16.5
(height updated below line)
"she had willingly corrupted herself. she had been eager for change, for attention and distractions"
"here's a real question: how have you survived this long when you are so violently self destructive?"
#2353
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Posted 15 October 2018 - 12:00 PM
Skinnerella, on 14 Oct 2018 - 4:00 PM, said:
It doesn’t matter how much you read, I’m just flattered that you bothered to ready any! So thank you for thatthis is so inspiring <333 dont give up on recovery! you can do it xox
edit: i didnt jump to the end.
still though, pull through!
I’m definitely trying my best :/
False Walls, on 15 Oct 2018 - 10:12 AM, said:
That means so much to me, I was worried that everyone who commented would be telling me not to relapseI'm sorry you're falling back down this hole chica, I hope you know we're here for you either way.
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Thank you for your support, I can’t thank you enough
#2354
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Posted 15 October 2018 - 07:33 PM
I have no self control
Fuck
I don’t know what to do anymore
My mind says yes to weight loss but when put into practice it says no
#2355
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Advanced Guru
Posted 15 October 2018 - 10:12 PM
Sorry you are hurting so much right now. Life if full of zig-zags...the older I get the more I realize that.
Music is really salve for the soul...if it weren't for my violin, I'd be dead by now. If your poetry is any indication, you have a talent for song writing! Do you play guitar? Or sing? It's a great escape...and practicing/improving a little each day (even if by watching YouTube lesson videos!) gives life a feeling of direction in a tiny way. Just my two cents...Music and dogs/cats/other furry beings that offer unconditional love and no judgement!
Wishing you hope and comfort, whatever path you choose!
#2356
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Posted 21 October 2018 - 06:07 PM
I weighed myself 2 weeks ago at 66kg / BMI 23.4
Now I am 65.7kg / BMI 23.3
This way I feel fine to do things and be who I am, it’s not much but it feels ok
It’s only 0.1 BMI point but at least it’s going down, not up
I’m going to stop when I feel like I have a good body again, not sure where that will be but maybe higher than the original BMI 14-15 as I don’t want anyone to worry that I look sick
#2357
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Posted 21 October 2018 - 06:14 PM
StrungOut, on 15 Oct 2018 - 10:12 PM, said:
Hey!
Sorry you are hurting so much right now. Life if full of zig-zags...the older I get the more I realize that.
Music is really salve for the soul...if it weren't for my violin, I'd be dead by now. If your poetry is any indication, you have a talent for song writing! Do you play guitar? Or sing? It's a great escape...and practicing/improving a little each day (even if by watching YouTube lesson videos!) gives life a feeling of direction in a tiny way. Just my two cents...Music and dogs/cats/other furry beings that offer unconditional love and no judgement!
Wishing you hope and comfort, whatever path you choose!
Playing violin is such a talent! I sing and write songs a lot and I do love it
Animals are amazing, my cat is seriously the best.
Thank you for your support, I did listen to what you said a while back but never replied, and I am now taking it easier. Love you
#2358
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Posted 22 October 2018 - 06:56 AM
why do I always find that mpa automatically unfollows me from this thread? ugh. -____-
Anyways though.... I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling. I'm also in forced recovery and I'm maintaining at the moment (technically.... with fluctuations and stuff), but I also feel the same way when I remember myself at my LW. I miss how I looked, I don't care if people thought I was gross, I just want to go back to being an emaciated skeleton. My parents still say I'm a stick but I just don't agree.
Sorry, I know this probably isn't the most helpful thing to say at the moment... ^^; I just wanted to say though, that you're not alone in how you feel. Many of us have been through something similar, so I definitely relate to how you're feeling. People seem to assume that once you gain weight, your mind is cured 'because it's nourished' but that simply isn't the case. Weight restoration does not equal recovery.
I really hope for you that you manage to find a weight that you're comfortable at, both physically and mentally - and that you'll be able to find someone to talk to. Are you on meds or anything? I'm on fluoxetine/prozac for depression and while it doesn't cure anything, it at least takes the edge off a little and helps me feel a little more stable - at least I'm not crying non stop, like I was when I initially gained the weight.
Remember though, no matter what weight you are, or what your bmi is - you're still the same person inside. I think that was one of the things I realized - For the past two years, I've been on both ends of the weight scale (difference between my HW and LW is 21 kg.... haha), but my friends at school treated me the same way no matter how much I weighed. That was when I realized that people value me for who I am as a person, and not for the shape of my body or the number on the scale. It's the same with you, I promise. People around you, and every one of us on here - loves you for who you are, and not just your physical body. Though I'm sure you don't look as bad as you feel! We can be our own worst critics sometimes. ^^'
Anyways, I'm sorry to have rambled. Just wanted to know that you're not along, that we'll all be here for you, and that I really hope you find something which helps you. *hugs*
<3
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diagnosed with anorexia nervosa restrictive type July 2017
currently in forced recovery
stats
SW: 124 lbs/56.2 kg...... maybe more because I didn't dare to weigh for a while =w= (BMI 22+)
LW: 77-78 lbs/35 kg (bmi 13.8)
CW: higher than LW bc fuck forced treatment
Height: 160 cm/5'3
inpatient rant thread: https://www.myproana...view=getnewpost
body pic spam: https://www.myproana...odycheck-spam/
#2359
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Posted 29 October 2018 - 02:45 AM
Five days ago I lost my virginity when I was drunk
It was to a guy I’ve liked for a while but because it was my first time doing anything sexual, I was not great
I feel so ashamed and disgusting
And he accidentally came inside of me so I had to take the morning after pill
He hasn’t talked to me and in the morning he looked so regretful, and I know it wasn’t good, it was my first time and he knew that but he didn’t seem to take that into consideration and I feel like an idiot
I have never felt closer to ending it
#2360
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Posted 29 October 2018 - 02:48 AM
mayuu~, on 22 Oct 2018 - 06:56 AM, said:
Your story is heartbreaking, but I’m glad you have a support network by your sidewhy do I always find that mpa automatically unfollows me from this thread? ugh. -____-
Anyways though.... I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling. I'm also in forced recovery and I'm maintaining at the moment (technically.... with fluctuations and stuff), but I also feel the same way when I remember myself at my LW. I miss how I looked, I don't care if people thought I was gross, I just want to go back to being an emaciated skeleton. My parents still say I'm a stick but I just don't agree.
Sorry, I know this probably isn't the most helpful thing to say at the moment... ^^; I just wanted to say though, that you're not alone in how you feel. Many of us have been through something similar, so I definitely relate to how you're feeling. People seem to assume that once you gain weight, your mind is cured 'because it's nourished' but that simply isn't the case. Weight restoration does not equal recovery.
I really hope for you that you manage to find a weight that you're comfortable at, both physically and mentally - and that you'll be able to find someone to talk to. Are you on meds or anything? I'm on fluoxetine/prozac for depression and while it doesn't cure anything, it at least takes the edge off a little and helps me feel a little more stable - at least I'm not crying non stop, like I was when I initially gained the weight.
Remember though, no matter what weight you are, or what your bmi is - you're still the same person inside. I think that was one of the things I realized - For the past two years, I've been on both ends of the weight scale (difference between my HW and LW is 21 kg.... haha), but my friends at school treated me the same way no matter how much I weighed. That was when I realized that people value me for who I am as a person, and not for the shape of my body or the number on the scale. It's the same with you, I promise. People around you, and every one of us on here - loves you for who you are, and not just your physical body. Though I'm sure you don't look as bad as you feel! We can be our own worst critics sometimes. ^^'
Anyways, I'm sorry to have rambled. Just wanted to know that you're not along, that we'll all be here for you, and that I really hope you find something which helps you. *hugs*
<3
Forced recovery is one of the hardest things you’ll go through, hopefully you’ll all learn what works over time
Feel free to rant to me or ask for advice through my dm’s
I really hope you can come to see yourself for who I am on the inside, thank you for your beautiful message
#2361
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Posted 29 October 2018 - 07:34 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 29 Oct 2018 - 02:45 AM, said:
You have nothing, absolutely nothing, to be ashamed of. These things happen especially when you are young. Everyone has a first time, it's going to be awkwardPersonal confession about my first time
Spoiler
Five days ago I lost my virginity when I was drunk
It was to a guy I’ve liked for a while but because it was my first time doing anything sexual, I was not great
I feel so ashamed and disgusting
And he accidentally came inside of me so I had to take the morning after pill
He hasn’t talked to me and in the morning he looked so regretful, and I know it wasn’t good, it was my first time and he knew that but he didn’t seem to take that into consideration and I feel like an idiot
I have never felt closer to ending it
Sent from my A570BL using Tapatalk
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#arduous
hw: 138+/- bmi: n/a
lw: 103.00 bmi: 18.2/18.8
cw: gross bmi: fat
gw1: 120.5 bmi: 22.0
gw2: 115.0 bmi: 21.0
=================
gw3: 113.0 bmi 20.0
gw4: 107.0 bmi 19.0
gw5: 101.5 bmi 18.0
gw6: 96.0 bmi 17.0
ugw? 93.0 bmi 16.5
(height updated below line)
"she had willingly corrupted herself. she had been eager for change, for attention and distractions"
"here's a real question: how have you survived this long when you are so violently self destructive?"
#2362
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Posted 01 November 2018 - 06:36 PM
I’m so sorry lovely that you’re going through this, you’re such a gorgeous, strong, amazing, courageous girl. You deserve all the happiness in the world. Weight restoration is super scary, and just because you may be weight restored it doesn’t mean that you’re mentally all “better” or recovered. Struggling during recovery is normal, and I know it’s super uncomfortable and difficult for you but you’ve come such a long way.
I’m always here for you gorgeous. Just remember that no matter what weight you may be, you’re still an incredible person. I wish all the happiness for you and hopefully you can find a happy medium between what weight you would like to be vs what weight you need to be to function and thrive.
Sending love and hugs your way
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#2363
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Posted 04 November 2018 - 09:34 AM
Sent from my LG-M327 using Tapatalk
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#2364
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Posted 04 November 2018 - 12:15 PM
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#2365
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Posted 08 November 2018 - 01:42 PM
Current weight: 70kg / BMI 24.8 (I HAVEN’T WEIGHED MYSELF, ITS JUST A GUESS)
Goal weight: 45.2 / BMI 16.0
Weight loss total (kg): 24.8kg
Restricting goal: 0-600 calories (if over, the calories will be burned)
I will be saying ‘day 1’ ‘day 2’ and so on with progress
I’m finally getting serious
I don’t like to show my stretch marks & cellulite and big hips so I’m just going to show the part(s) of me I’m ok with
#2366
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Posted 08 November 2018 - 01:49 PM
If you want to talk to me, my DM’s are open and if you want to ask anything privately then go ahead!
hope to hear from you soon#2367
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Posted 08 November 2018 - 01:53 PM
I mean, it’s your choice, it’s sad, but it is your choice
First question: was there something specific that made you relapse? What happened? Or maybe it was a general thing?
Love
Edit: I read your previous posts and my heart is broken, you don’t have to explain everything again, I understand now
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#2368
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Posted 08 November 2018 - 02:00 PM
False Walls, on 29 Oct 2018 - 07:34 AM, said:
You have nothing, absolutely nothing, to be ashamed of. These things happen especially when you are young. Everyone has a first time, it's going to be awkward
Sent from my A570BL using Tapatalk
Hey False Walls,
I think that most girls build up their first time to be this big deal where it’ll be meaningful and with someone you love only to be let down big time
I think I was in that boat, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself I wasn’t
Thank you for your message, it’s nice to feel less alone in this, it’s been really difficult to come to terms with
P i g g y, on 01 Nov 2018 - 6:36 PM, said:
I’m sorry I haven’t replied - I haven’t been on mpa for ages now.
I’m so sorry lovely that you’re going through this, you’re such a gorgeous, strong, amazing, courageous girl. You deserve all the happiness in the world. Weight restoration is super scary, and just because you may be weight restored it doesn’t mean that you’re mentally all “better” or recovered. Struggling during recovery is normal, and I know it’s super uncomfortable and difficult for you but you’ve come such a long way.
I’m always here for you gorgeous. Just remember that no matter what weight you may be, you’re still an incredible person. I wish all the happiness for you and hopefully you can find a happy medium between what weight you would like to be vs what weight you need to be to function and thrive.
Sending love and hugs your way
Piggy!!!!! I MISSED YOU
I’m glad you were taking a break from MPA
Thank YOU SO MUCH for your beautiful compliments, I’m thoroughly blushing now
My treatment team thinks because my BMI is so high and I don’t complain or make appointments that I’m ok
I don’t complain because I don’t feel like I deserve help or anything really at this weight
I feel subhuman
They wanted me to be a speaker for the clinic. How can I speak about how great they are when they didn’t prepare me for what comes after restoration or being called fat or anything the outside world holds
I hope I can find a happy medium too, thank you for your never ending supply of support, Im truly so lucky to have you
Love you
kittyneko-chan, on 04 Nov 2018 - 09:34 AM, said:
Mpa unfollowed without me realizing it I'm sorry to hear you're struggling again but that's ok
stupid MPA, thank you for checking in even without the notifications, it means so much to me that you care that muchMelon15, on 04 Nov 2018 - 12:15 PM, said:
Hey
I hope you’re okay <3
I’m doing my best atm, thank you for checking in gorgeousHow are you?!
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#2369
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Posted 08 November 2018 - 02:11 PM
Mireina, on 08 Nov 2018 - 1:53 PM, said:
Hey! I’m happy to answer your questions, it gives me something to doOh no, you ditched recovery
I mean, it’s your choice, it’s sad, but it is your choice
First question: was there something specific that made you relapse? What happened? Or maybe it was a general thing?
Love
Edit: I read your previous posts and my heart is broken, you don’t have to explain everything again, I understand now
Question 1: Was there something specific that made you relapse?
Answer: being called fat, stretch marks, cellulite, feeling disgusting, having DD boobs that hurt my back, binging constantly, no clothes fit, going to stores that don’t have my size because I’m too big, people not believing I still have an ED, my friends being smaller than me, feeling undesirable, and many more
Question 2: What happened?
Answer: I felt like I was juggling recovery and relapse for so long and it’s been 10 months since my last relapse. That feels like a long enough time to decide if recovery was right for me or not. I don’t think it was unfortunately. I guess I’m going back to my safety net
I’ve also been really suicidal, so I’m hoping this’ll distract me?
Thank you for being the first one to ask Mireina! Lots of love
#2371
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Posted 08 November 2018 - 03:25 PM
hey~!
I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling, I felt the same way when I initially gained weight from forced treatment so on a level I can sort of relate. ><
Honestly I feel sad hearing that you want to restrict again, but I'm not judging..... I just hope that this time round, you stay as safe as possible though. So you aren't on the verge of death again. >< 0-600 calories sounds very low to me..... I'm not an expert in nutritional science or anything but I can pretty much assure you that you could eat double that - Like, you could eat up to 1200 calories on average every day - and still lose weight at a good pace. Your metabolism has probably been boosted after treatment, so you'll definitely have a higher bmr/tdee and lose faster without needing to go too low. High restriction is more sustainable too....
Again, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, or to judge you, because in the end it's your decision - but I'm just kind of speaking from experience here.... ^^; From my own highest to lowest though, I lost almost as much as the amount you're aiming to lose this time round - and I definitely never restricted as low.... Just wanted to prove my point that you don't have to do anything really drastic, to lose the weight you want.
Questions:
I'm sorry if you've already elaborated on this before earlier in the thread, but.... what was IP like? As in, what did you do all day? What sort of emotional support did you get? Did it help you in any way?
And what was your meal plan like there?
I'm sorry for the chain of questions haha I'm just really curious..... feel free to ignore if you aren't comfortable with answering. ^^;
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diagnosed with anorexia nervosa restrictive type July 2017
currently in forced recovery
stats
SW: 124 lbs/56.2 kg...... maybe more because I didn't dare to weigh for a while =w= (BMI 22+)
LW: 77-78 lbs/35 kg (bmi 13.8)
CW: higher than LW bc fuck forced treatment
Height: 160 cm/5'3
inpatient rant thread: https://www.myproana...view=getnewpost
body pic spam: https://www.myproana...odycheck-spam/
#2372
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Posted 08 November 2018 - 03:37 PM
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mpa2 ---> https://mypancakeaddiction.com/ <--- mpa2
#2373
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Posted 08 November 2018 - 09:25 PM
mayuu~, on 08 Nov 2018 - 3:25 PM, said:
hey~!
I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling, I felt the same way when I initially gained weight from forced treatment so on a level I can sort of relate. ><
Honestly I feel sad hearing that you want to restrict again, but I'm not judging..... I just hope that this time round, you stay as safe as possible though. So you aren't on the verge of death again. >< 0-600 calories sounds very low to me..... I'm not an expert in nutritional science or anything but I can pretty much assure you that you could eat double that - Like, you could eat up to 1200 calories on average every day - and still lose weight at a good pace. Your metabolism has probably been boosted after treatment, so you'll definitely have a higher bmr/tdee and lose faster without needing to go too low. High restriction is more sustainable too....
Again, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, or to judge you, because in the end it's your decision - but I'm just kind of speaking from experience here.... ^^; From my own highest to lowest though, I lost almost as much as the amount you're aiming to lose this time round - and I definitely never restricted as low.... Just wanted to prove my point that you don't have to do anything really drastic, to lose the weight you want.
Questions:
I'm sorry if you've already elaborated on this before earlier in the thread, but.... what was IP like? As in, what did you do all day? What sort of emotional support did you get? Did it help you in any way?
And what was your meal plan like there?
I'm sorry for the chain of questions haha I'm just really curious..... feel free to ignore if you aren't comfortable with answering. ^^;
Thank you for your concern and advice! When I go over 1,000 I tend to go ‘fuck it’ and binge so I’m trying low restriction for a change
Also, I have so much to lose, its already going to take a good 8 months to lose the weight on this plan, I don’t want it to take a year! It’s cool that you can restrict higher and lose the same but I’m not exercising at all so I’ll have a different TDEE and stuff
Question 1: What was a day in IP like?
Answer: here was my schedule based on memory on a weigh day:
7am: Wake up and brush teeth
7:15am: Meds and weigh in
7:55am: Go down to the dining room and choose breakfast
8:45am: Bed rest (which is actually sitting with a group of people in a large room for an hour after meals doing independent activities like reading, games, makeup, talking etc OR there may be group therapy)
10am: Morning tea in the dining room, chosen from the pantry
10:30am: Bed rest (20 minute rest after snacks)
10:50am: Relax or group therapy
12:00pm: Go down and choose lunch
12:45pm: Group room bed rest, 2 group therapies
Group therapy is basically like one on one therapy but with a lot of other people, a lot of worksheets and it’s less effective because sometimes you don’t have enough time to talk because other people dominate the conversation and talk only about their issues
3:00pm: Choose afternoon tea and go to the dining room to eat
3:30pm: bed rest
3:50pm: relax in your room
5pm: Go down to wait in line for dinner
5:30pm: Dinner
6:15pm: Bed rest
7:00pm: Supper in the dining room
7:20pm: Bed rest
7:40pm: night time meds
8pm: relax in room
Sleep whenever you want
When your in your room you get checked on every 15-60 minutes depending on your category
BMIs under 14 or people with medical issues require a wheelchair
Blood tests once a week on Tuesdays
Weigh ins every second day
See your one on one psychiatrist for a half hour once a week to discuss meds and big problems
If you’re trusted you can have time off of the grounds and meals with family or friends
That’s all I can think of at the moment
Question 2: What sort of emotional support did you get?
Answer: There was constantly around 20 nurses around and if you felt upset or any negative emotion then you could talk to them. If you’re inconsolable for hours then they give you sedatives
Question 3: Did it help you in any way?
Answer: At the time it did, but now that I’m out of the clinic and weight restored they don’t care. I think it was helpful for the time I was there. Mainly for eating patterns, making friends and getting a sense of normalcy.
Question 4: What was your meal plan like there?
Answer: There was a standard meal plan, a half meal plan and a meal plan with extras
Every singly persons meal plan was different! They allowed for vegetarians, gluten intolerances and things like that. If you weren’t gaining they’d add an ‘extra’
And if you were at your set point as determined by your treatment team then you could maintain
I don’t have a copy of my meal plan but it was fresh food and lots of variety, usually adding up to 3,500-4,000 for me because I was gaining too slowly
I know others who were on a meal plan of 1,600 and 2,000 etc.
Hope this helps?
#2374
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Posted 08 November 2018 - 09:36 PM
newadmyn, on 08 Nov 2018 - 3:37 PM, said:
i can’t remember if i ever commented on your accountability before, but i’ve read/followed all of it. initially on my previous account, now on this one. i just want to say, i’m proud of you for seeking recovery, and i’m also proud of you for being honest about the fact that you are relapsing. i know that must not have been easy, to be honest! it’s hard not to take on the burdens of the world. i’ve been there! remember, it’s not your job to be our recovery warrior, it’s not your responsibility to inspire others, what is your path in life is to just be yourself, and to hold tight to your truth! you don’t owe anyone anything. i’ll also add, as a quick research-based note, that relapse is a part of recovery. it sucks, but it’s true. you can return to the trials and the rewards of recovery when you are ready. be yourself, i know as someone with low self worth, that’s hard enough as it is. trust yourself. it’s okay not to be okay.
It was actually really hard to write that I’m relapsing in here after all I’ve been through previously on here, I was debating making a new account or something but I love the community we’ve built here and I couldn’t bare to leave it
In my life and online there’s so many expectations and I want so badly to be a role model or someone’s recovery inspiration but then I’d be stuck lying to myself and others
I hope it will be a learning experience and I know will eventually go back to recovery, just not now
You’re reply is so understanding, it seems like you just really get it
Thank you for being there for me and encouraging me to go with how I’m feeling
And thanks for your support
Lots of love
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#2375
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Posted 09 November 2018 - 12:19 AM
Calories: 600
Tdee: 1,400
Deficit: 800
Sleep: 2 hours
Mood: 4/10
I like to put a low TDEE so I don’t get my hopes up
I’ve been watching Victorious for most of the day (the Nickelodeon show) because I’m still a child at heart
Funny thing happened
12,77 isn’t a number bro, and 244 kctal
Sorry it made me laugh, fucking jam company needs to hire some literate label writers
#2376
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Posted 10 November 2018 - 03:35 AM
Calories: 300
Tdee: 1,400
Deficit: 1,100
Sleep: 7 hours
Mood: 2/10
I think the more I sleep and the lower my mood is, the less I eat
#2377
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Omniscient
Posted 10 November 2018 - 08:22 AM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 09 Nov 2018 - 12:19 AM, said:
Daily total: Day 1
Calories: 600
Tdee: 1,400
Deficit: 800
Sleep: 2 hours
Mood: 4/10
I like to put a low TDEE so I don’t get my hopes up
I’ve been watching Victorious for most of the day (the Nickelodeon show) because I’m still a child at heart
Funny thing happened
12,77 isn’t a number bro, and 244 kctal
Sorry it made me laugh, fucking jam company needs to hire some literate label writers
In some place, they wrote , instead of a decimal point. So this is supposed to mean 12.77 kcals
#2378
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Posted 10 November 2018 - 09:00 AM
I’ve been talking to a few people from this thread that I made friends with during my journey on here and some people from the clinic (I’ve been on this accountability for like a year and a half now) and because my BMI is so high now, I’m gonna start with aiming for BMI 17 and see how it goes.
This is mainly because there are so many people relying on me to be the recovered one that I can look up to, that’s come so far.
I really appreciate people in my life encouraging me but I don’t know if it’s ever gonna really change how I feel on the inside.
It’s like every comment I get kind of deflects off of me and never really sinks in.
I’m not sure if I should stop posting on here again just because I don’t want to trigger anyone I previously ‘inspired’
Maybe I should start a new thread? I don’t know but I just feel very responsible for everyone else’s lives because I fucking love everyone of them and everyone of you guys
I just want to be true to myself and my ED tends to take over everything else (including the people I love’s feelings) and I don’t want to hurt anyone
Thoughts/advice?
#2379
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Posted 10 November 2018 - 09:04 AM
ElsaXAnna, on 10 Nov 2018 - 08:22 AM, said:
I know I just thought it was funnyIn some place, they wrote , instead of a decimal point. So this is supposed to mean 12.77 kcals
#2380
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Posted 10 November 2018 - 04:15 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 08 Nov 2018 - 9:25 PM, said:
Reply to mayuu’s Q&A questions
Spoiler
Thank you for your concern and advice! When I go over 1,000 I tend to go ‘fuck it’ and binge so I’m trying low restriction for a change
Also, I have so much to lose, its already going to take a good 8 months to lose the weight on this plan, I don’t want it to take a year! It’s cool that you can restrict higher and lose the same but I’m not exercising at all so I’ll have a different TDEE and stuff
Question 1: What was a day in IP like?
Answer: here was my schedule based on memory on a weigh day:
7am: Wake up and brush teeth
7:15am: Meds and weigh in
7:55am: Go down to the dining room and choose breakfast
8:45am: Bed rest (which is actually sitting with a group of people in a large room for an hour after meals doing independent activities like reading, games, makeup, talking etc OR there may be group therapy)
10am: Morning tea in the dining room, chosen from the pantry
10:30am: Bed rest (20 minute rest after snacks)
10:50am: Relax or group therapy
12:00pm: Go down and choose lunch
12:45pm: Group room bed rest, 2 group therapies
Group therapy is basically like one on one therapy but with a lot of other people, a lot of worksheets and it’s less effective because sometimes you don’t have enough time to talk because other people dominate the conversation and talk only about their issues
3:00pm: Choose afternoon tea and go to the dining room to eat
3:30pm: bed rest
3:50pm: relax in your room
5pm: Go down to wait in line for dinner
5:30pm: Dinner
6:15pm: Bed rest
7:00pm: Supper in the dining room
7:20pm: Bed rest
7:40pm: night time meds
8pm: relax in room
Sleep whenever you want
When your in your room you get checked on every 15-60 minutes depending on your category
BMIs under 14 or people with medical issues require a wheelchair
Blood tests once a week on Tuesdays
Weigh ins every second day
See your one on one psychiatrist for a half hour once a week to discuss meds and big problems
If you’re trusted you can have time off of the grounds and meals with family or friends
That’s all I can think of at the moment
Question 2: What sort of emotional support did you get?
Answer: There was constantly around 20 nurses around and if you felt upset or any negative emotion then you could talk to them. If you’re inconsolable for hours then they give you sedatives
Question 3: Did it help you in any way?
Answer: At the time it did, but now that I’m out of the clinic and weight restored they don’t care. I think it was helpful for the time I was there. Mainly for eating patterns, making friends and getting a sense of normalcy.
Question 4: What was your meal plan like there?
Answer: There was a standard meal plan, a half meal plan and a meal plan with extras
Every singly persons meal plan was different! They allowed for vegetarians, gluten intolerances and things like that. If you weren’t gaining they’d add an ‘extra’
And if you were at your set point as determined by your treatment team then you could maintain
I don’t have a copy of my meal plan but it was fresh food and lots of variety, usually adding up to 3,500-4,000 for me because I was gaining too slowly
I know others who were on a meal plan of 1,600 and 2,000 etc.
Hope this helps?
thank you so much for answering all my questions! ^^; I really appreciate that you took the time to!
I'm glad to hear that at least while you were there, being inpatient did kind of help........ though hearing about those calories makes me shudder. Did you get horrible bloating and nausea like I initially did when I was in hospital?.....
And in terms of mental support, how were the nurses like? Did you try talking to them? were they nice? I couldn't help but compare to my own inpatient experience.... I had no mental support whatsoever (I was just chucked into a general hospital ward -__-) except for maybe seeing a psychologist once every 3 weeks (which wasn't helpful at all), and my food was awful. Half my calorie intake was from stupid ensures. I remember crying over drinking them almost every night during my first stay. During my second hospitalization I had to drink even more (like 600mL per day fml). And the hospital food was really awful, all I had were ham sandwiches for snacks and some disgusting meat with rice for my main meals.... no variety or choice whatsoever. Many of the nurses were bitches, though of course my doctor was the biggest turd of all.... *sighs* Oh, and of course I was with all the other general patients (often I was the only one with an ED) so it was really triggering for me to see myself eat more than everyone else......
Sorry for rambling about myself again, it's just kind of refreshing to hear about at least some IP experiences which aren't completely negative.... I guess there really isn't much proper ED treatment in Asia. ^^; They were close to throwing me into the psychiatric ward last time and over there they apparently did have mental support, but no entertainment is allowed. No phones, no computers, no books because 'reading burns calories.' -_______-
Your program certainly sounds very...... structured,though.... did you ever feel stressed by it at all, or somehow 'suffocated by the routine'? I didn't really enjoy my own stay there and got very bored some of the time but I'm not sure how I would feel about having all those mandatory activities to attend.
I apologize for the further questions but there's one thing I'm curious about - I'm really sorry to ask something regarding weight and I understand if you don't want to answer - but initially, did they have a goal weight for you to reach? Or a discharge weight/bmi? When exactly were you discharged? I'm sorry if you don't want to talk about this, and you can feel free to ignore me if you wish. ^^;
And finally, I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling invalidated and that you aren't getting any more mental support...... it's kind of fucked that after discharge and weight restoration, they think your mind is automatically cured - it's kind of ironic how they put all this effort into saving your physical life when you're on the verge of death, but once you're out they just ignore you.... >< I'm sorry. You have a right to receive the help you need, no matter what weight you are. You deserve better. <3
I think you're definitely underestimating your TDEE though..... I'm maintaining an underweight bmi myself at the moment and I eat more than 1400. I don't really do much in the form of exercise either, but if I only ate 1400 per day I would probably lose.....
Just be careful. <3
diagnosed with anorexia nervosa restrictive type July 2017
currently in forced recovery
stats
SW: 124 lbs/56.2 kg...... maybe more because I didn't dare to weigh for a while =w= (BMI 22+)
LW: 77-78 lbs/35 kg (bmi 13.8)
CW: higher than LW bc fuck forced treatment
Height: 160 cm/5'3
inpatient rant thread: https://www.myproana...view=getnewpost
body pic spam: https://www.myproana...odycheck-spam/
0My body pics/accountability (low BMI)
#2381
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#2382
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Posted 10 November 2018 - 07:05 PM
mayuu~, on 10 Nov 2018 - 4:15 PM, said:
thank you so much for answering all my questions! ^^; I really appreciate that you took the time to!
I'm glad to hear that at least while you were there, being inpatient did kind of help........ though hearing about those calories makes me shudder. Did you get horrible bloating and nausea like I initially did when I was in hospital?.....
And in terms of mental support, how were the nurses like? Did you try talking to them? were they nice? I couldn't help but compare to my own inpatient experience.... I had no mental support whatsoever (I was just chucked into a general hospital ward -__-) except for maybe seeing a psychologist once every 3 weeks (which wasn't helpful at all), and my food was awful. Half my calorie intake was from stupid ensures. I remember crying over drinking them almost every night during my first stay. During my second hospitalization I had to drink even more (like 600mL per day fml). And the hospital food was really awful, all I had were ham sandwiches for snacks and some disgusting meat with rice for my main meals.... no variety or choice whatsoever. Many of the nurses were bitches, though of course my doctor was the biggest turd of all.... *sighs* Oh, and of course I was with all the other general patients (often I was the only one with an ED) so it was really triggering for me to see myself eat more than everyone else......
Sorry for rambling about myself again, it's just kind of refreshing to hear about at least some IP experiences which aren't completely negative.... I guess there really isn't much proper ED treatment in Asia. ^^; They were close to throwing me into the psychiatric ward last time and over there they apparently did have mental support, but no entertainment is allowed. No phones, no computers, no books because 'reading burns calories.' -_______-
Your program certainly sounds very...... structured,though.... did you ever feel stressed by it at all, or somehow 'suffocated by the routine'? I didn't really enjoy my own stay there and got very bored some of the time but I'm not sure how I would feel about having all those mandatory activities to attend.
I apologize for the further questions but there's one thing I'm curious about - I'm really sorry to ask something regarding weight and I understand if you don't want to answer - but initially, did they have a goal weight for you to reach? Or a discharge weight/bmi? When exactly were you discharged? I'm sorry if you don't want to talk about this, and you can feel free to ignore me if you wish. ^^;
And finally, I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling invalidated and that you aren't getting any more mental support...... it's kind of fucked that after discharge and weight restoration, they think your mind is automatically cured - it's kind of ironic how they put all this effort into saving your physical life when you're on the verge of death, but once you're out they just ignore you.... >< I'm sorry. You have a right to receive the help you need, no matter what weight you are. You deserve better. <3
I think you're definitely underestimating your TDEE though..... I'm maintaining an underweight bmi myself at the moment and I eat more than 1400. I don't really do much in the form of exercise either, but if I only ate 1400 per day I would probably lose.....
Just be careful. <3
I totally understand what you went through
I’ve been hospitalised at a general hospital for months on end like 5 times with no support and an incompetent dietician. The hospital food was absolutely horrible and they only had chocolate ensures so I got very nauseous from having those all the time. I was made to eat straight butter on multiple occasions because the nurses forgot to put it on my sandwiches and sometimes had still frozen meals. If I was crying they ignored me. This last admission is the only one I’ve had actual support in.
Question 1: Did you get horrible bloating and nausea like I initially did when I was in hospital?
Answer: I had edema and bloating but rarely nausea
Question 2: In terms of mental support, how were the nurses like? Did you try talking to them? were they nice?
Answer: If they weren’t agency nurses then they were ok, when having mental breakdowns or food anxiety they were very helpful as they’re trained. Most were a bit rude but that’s probably because they’re under a lot of stress and pressure
Question 3: Did you ever feel stressed by or suffocated by the routine?
Answer: Almost always, I felt like a robot, only doing what I was programmed and told to do
Question 4: Initially, did they have a goal weight for you to reach? Or a discharge weight/bmi?
It was BMI 14 because I started at 11.5ish but I ended up staying for a lot longer to reach 16 but usually it’s 18.5+
Question 5: When exactly were you discharged?
Answer: A few moths ago, I don’t remember
If you have more questions about treatment & stuff can you PM me? Thanks
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Posted 15 November 2018 - 03:19 PM
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Posted 15 November 2018 - 11:41 PM
kittyneko-chan, on 15 Nov 2018 - 3:19 PM, said:
Hope you're doing ok
Sent from my LG-M327 using Tapatalk
Things have been hectic and confusing but I’m coping, for now
Thank you so much for checking in
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Posted 15 November 2018 - 11:43 PM
AnorexicMindTrickery, on 15 Nov 2018 - 11:41 PM, said:
Things have been hectic and confusing but I’m coping, for now
Thank you so much for checking in
Sent from my LG-M327 using Tapatalk
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#2387
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Posted 18 November 2018 - 07:52 PM
It was because I saw the guy (the one I had my first time with) and I forgot he’d be there and I felt so uncomfortable and disgusting and I just went off. I don’t remember anything past 7pm and I passed out at 9pm so I’m scared of what I could have done and said and I’m freaking out. So so so so so embarrassing.
I have an appointment this Wednesday to see my Psychiatrist. I may need to go back on meds.?
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#2390 Guest_totalled_*
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Posted 24 November 2018 - 07:24 PM
so if it is just ignore this oof
hopefully i didn’t ask something you already answered >.<
i was wondering how long did it take to get from your lowest to a bmi of 14 when you were in the hospital?
and then from bmi 14, how long did it take to become a minimum health weight (18-20)?
what kind of mental support did you receive after weight restoration?
in treatment, did they ever try to show what a healthy portion is? (i just ask because for me they just shoved ensure down my throat so i had no what to do after)
how long did the initial edema/ water retention last?
did your extreme hunger subside somewhat after getting to a healthy bmi? or do you still struggle with it?
did you try to lose right after finishing treatment ? or has your relapse just been past couple weeks or so because of all that’s happened since being in recovery?
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#2391
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Posted 29 November 2018 - 05:32 PM
im also so sorry to hear about what happened with the guy,, i also had bad early sexual experiences that have impacted my self esteem but i hope hope hope it gets better soon
i hope you don’t get back into the patterns and even darker place you were in at the start of this thread <3 recovery will win for you, i hope, and I refuse to believe any differently... best of luck <3
#2392
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Posted 30 November 2018 - 03:15 PM
FATAMY_00 STATS:
SW: 58.6KG
CW: 49.KG
UGW: 34KG
GW'S:
50KG
47KG
45KG
42KG
40KG
38KG
36KG
ACCOUNTABILITY:~https://www.myproana...failure-part-2/
#2393
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Posted 12 December 2018 - 02:53 PM
FATAMY_00 STATS:
SW: 58.6KG
CW: 49.KG
UGW: 34KG
GW'S:
50KG
47KG
45KG
42KG
40KG
38KG
36KG
ACCOUNTABILITY:~https://www.myproana...failure-part-2/
#2394
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Posted 15 December 2018 - 09:45 AM
Hope you are ok honey, send you a big hug and positive energy to help you go through your day
#2396
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Posted 07 January 2019 - 09:21 AM
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#2397
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Posted 07 January 2019 - 01:15 PM
I was involuntarily unfollowed from the thread too by mpa. I am following again now.
Please know I'm here for you if you need me, I never went away <3.
Love and light xx
#2398
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Posted 24 January 2019 - 10:44 AM
I've been gone for a while. I'm back on the weight loss, too.
It sucks so hard that you're going through a relapse. Recovery is, unfortunately, not a straight path to magically getting better and all happy time feels. I wish it was, because you deserve to be happy.
Please read that sentence again and try to internalize it: you deserve to be happy.
Truly.
#2399
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Posted 07 February 2019 - 12:58 AM
i'm so sorry I haven't been around, i've moved to EDC and don't use MPA anymore
I really hope that you're doing ok... i'm worried about you
Lots of hugs and love to you <3
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Posted 31 March 2019 - 11:30 AM
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aspen |20|they/them|non binary|
u p d a t e d ; feb 18th 2022
jul 5th 2022
height; 5'1.5 [~156cm]
current weight;166.2 165.6 ???? [been bingeing the last week or so]
probs around 175
starting weight;169.8 [jan 2022]
highest weight;176
goal weight one;170
goal weight two;165
goal weight three;160
goal weight four;155
goal weight five;150
goal weight six;146
goal weight seven;140
goal weight eight;132
goal weight nine;124
goal weight ten;112
goal weight eleven;105
goal weight twelve;100
goal weight thirteen;92
goal weight fourteen;87
u l t i m a t e g o a l
86.
174 173
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My Next Life..? I'm Coming Back as a Rabbit.
- LocationNew Zealand (Nope, not part of Australia, Africa or Antarctica)
Posted 06 April 2019 - 10:11 PM
Holy fuck. I've just read through this from page 60. My god, you are an incredible person.
I don't know if this is the right or wrong thing to say, but when I was gaining it helped me to know I wasn't the only one. I gained from a BMI 13 - 25+ in recovery, extreme hunger, seriously scary hunger that was totally insatiable. This was years ago, and it took a long time for it to settle down (3-ish years), I am now a stable BMI 22-23, and happy enough. We are totally different people I know, but.. I want to say there is hope of getting better, or being able to live a good life with the ED being really quiet.
#2403 Guest_Consolation_*
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Posted 20 April 2019 - 03:30 AM
Hi,
not sure whether you remember me. We have been in touch for quite a while, but I struggled a lot myself and left this community for a long time. Since early 2019 I am back, and I thought about you now and then. I really hope you are okay. Of course you are still welcome to message me anytime if you feel like talking or receiving some support, no matter where you are at the moment - recovering, relapsing, overweight, underweight, normal weight etc.
You are a lovely person and I care about you no matter what your ED does to you, and so do others.
<3.
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#2406
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Posted 01 January 2020 - 04:03 PM
#2407 Guest_althea✰_*
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Posted 01 January 2020 - 04:09 PM
#2410
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Posted 11 February 2020 - 04:38 AM
Ur an amazing person, and deserve recovery! Hope all is well!!!
#2411
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Posted 17 February 2021 - 11:46 AM
I just read through your accountability as well. It's shocking how much you've gone through. Really, you seem like such a kind and sweet person!
You gave me hope on recovery. I hope you're doing well! <3
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Choose your own title! PM Admin or Bibs.
Posted 22 May 2021 - 12:14 AM
<333
H: 5'7.5 LW: 150 (2014) SW: 158 (2014) HW: 216 (Dec. 2019..that's embarrassing) CW: ?
Gw 1: 190 lbs (86 kg) BMI - 29.3
Gw 2: 180 lbs (82 kg) BMI - 27.8
Gw 3: 170 lbs (77 kg) BMI - 26.2
Gw 4: 160 lbs (73 kg) BMI - 24.7
Gw 5: 150 lbs (68 kg) BMI - 23.1
Gw 6: 140 lbs (64 kg) BMI - 21.6
Gw 7: 130 lbs (59 kg) BMI - 20.1
Gw 8: 120 lbs (54 kg) BMI - 18.5
♥ UGW: 114 lbs(51 kg) BMI - 17.6 ♥
MAINTAIN BETWEEN 107-114
my eatingdisordercentral account
see y'all on the other side
Effy & Pandora
Anime stuff
Korra stuff
Weight loss stuff
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