Fried rice
Sesame chicken (shared chicken with my bf)
Purged
(2 cans smirnoff ice
Bacon tomato egg sandwich on GF bread with mayo)
Notes:
A lovely day outside. Stopped at the park for Canada Day and got the most canadian cuisine there is, poutine! I could only finish half of mine. Me and the boyfriend walked around the park a bit before heading home because it was hot af outside.
The heat and some miscommunication ended up with me crying and throwing my phone. Shattered the screen. So we dropped the dog off at my parents for less stress on me then headed to the mall to get my screen fixed. Cost me $105 and now my home button doesn’t work. At least my screen isn’t fucked up I guess. Pretty annoying to have to use assistive touch but i’ll get used to it eventually. I got chinese food from the food court for dinner.
For the evening we walked to the liquor store because I was craving the tipsy feeling. I drank 1 and felt great. Made a bacon tomato egg sandwich, one for me and one for my boyfriend. Finished my second drink then realized that not only was I unnaturally bloated, I had hives all over my stomach. I assume its from drinking alcohol. So I purged hoping it would relieve the symptoms. It obviously got rid of most of the bloating lol so it kinda worked.
Having to sleep with earplugs in now because of stupid fireworks that i’m too far away to see even if I wanted to. Tomorrow i’ll probably gain weight but I will do my best to not let it bother me. I had a good day today. Tomorrow I will begin a fast. Whatever I weigh is how many hours I will fast. Seems fun! Hope it goes well! Hours in kilograms(48-49) will be the minimum, but hours in pounds(108-110) will be the goal!
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Posted Today, 08:26 PM
-ˏˋ. July 1, 2022 (D-121) ˊˎ-
Intake:
Chocolate chips (210)
Nescafe coffee (80)
Chocolate chunk cookie (210)
Iced capp (305)
Spicy potato sticks (???)
Gatorade (140)
~1400 calories
pilates study: done / not done
Diary:
I know for the past few entries, it seems like I’ve lost all motivation, but I swear, I haven’t. It’s just that my period is making it really hard. When I’m hungry, I get really bad cramps during this time. I was very sick today. We went on an outing, it was really nice and fun. Then I started feeling pain all over my body ): I felt extremely sick and had to skip out on the fireworks unfortunately. There were firework sounds outside of my window tho lol. I still feel very dizzy, hopefully it’ll go away by tomorrow. On Monday we have a family friend coming over who lives very far away. And then on the 9th and onwards, there’s Eid. We’ll be very busy for the next 2 weeks.
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Posted 27 June 2022 - 01:04 PM
1600 calories
paid rent and bought groceries for the next few weeks. still need to figure out laundry since i didn't do it after work on saturday but i'm putting that off for later tonight because it's way too hot out
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Posted 28 June 2022 - 05:09 AM
food:
(a lot of) cherries - ~200 cal
coffee w/ creamer - 40 cal
soup - 390 cal
sandwich - 270 cal
hard candy (lol) - 250 cal
a metric fuck ton of rice - 420 cal
1570 calories
weight: 259.1 lb/117.53 kg
i'm ready to smash my scale for real
laundry's done though? not much else to say for yesterday/today
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Posted 28 June 2022 - 05:14 AM
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Posted 28 June 2022 - 05:19 AM
TraumatisedUnicorn, on 28 Jun 2022 - 05:14 AM, said:
This is probably a stupid suggestion (and let me know if you want me to delete this post) but since your measurements are getting smaller but the scale isn't reflecting that, is there any way you could cope with just tracking measurements instead of weighing yourself? I know that's a lot easier said than done but if it feels like something you could manage to try it might save you a bit of stress maybe?
eh i loosely track them but i'm sure as hell not posting them. i know this weird plateau/increase in scale weight will pass eventually, it's just annoying considering that i still have closer to 100 lbs left to go
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Posted 28 June 2022 - 05:24 AM
TPWLMST, on 28 Jun 2022 - 05:19 AM, said:
eh i loosely track them but i'm sure as hell not posting them. i know this weird plateau/increase in scale weight will pass eventually, it's just annoying considering that i still have closer to 100 lbs left to go
Oh I definitely wasn't suggesting posting measurements, I'd be super uncomfortable doing that myself so I wouldn't suggest it to anyone else, I just meant tracking for your own peace of mind but it sounds like you already do that. It always feels kind of weird wishing people luck getting out of plateus and losing more weight given what site we're on so I'll just say I hope things get better soon?
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Posted 28 June 2022 - 07:38 PM
#497
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Posted 29 June 2022 - 07:16 AM
weight was the same. i'm trying to get this stupid amount of bloating down so we're going✈️OMAD today i guess
food:
kimchi buldak - 520 cal
egg - 70 cal
cheese slice - 45 cal
cherries - 100 cal
coffee w/ creamer (2) - 80 cal
body armor lyte - 15 cal
820 calories
#498
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Posted 29 June 2022 - 07:18 AM
I am fucking jealous, how can you eat so less and stay on track? Feels impossible at the moment
My accountability:
https://www.myproana...h-your-husband/
HW: 69 kgs - 152 lbs
after I tried recovery with the help of medication, and I really, really tried
LW 1: 38 kgs - 84 lbs
as a minor
LW 2: 42 kgs - 92 lbs
as an adult
GW: 47 kgs - 103 lbs
Height: 166 cm - 5.4 feet
- AN-R diagnosed at the age of 9
- AN-b/p diagnosed at the age of 13
- since then a mix of AN and B
- 37, mom of two, healthy BMI
- I suffer, I am not on a diet!
02/25/2022
After two days and 15 hours of b/p (fainted out the third time during a session) smart brain kicked in:
Trying to maintain BMI 19 at the moment.
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Posted 29 June 2022 - 07:20 AM
Orio, on 29 Jun 2022 - 07:18 AM, said:
no offense but you are recovering from surgery and are increasing the likelihood of complications by trying to restrictI am fucking jealous, how can you eat so less and stay on track? Feels impossible at the moment
also i haven't been posting and did overeat earlier this week so. it's also 11 am and i've eaten my single meal of the day to get the consequences of eating a single pack of spicy instant ramen with an egg and some cherries as my meal over with… which probably isn't the smartest thing to do lol
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Posted 29 June 2022 - 08:20 AM
ඞ alex loses more than their shit for once ඞ
#501
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Posted Yesterday, 06:06 AM
food:
panang curry w/ rice - 470 cal
body armor lyte - 15 cal
cherries - 100 cal
literally just canned baked beans i guess - 300 cal
string cheese (2) - 160 cal
ice pop (2) - 100 cal
food that was going to be thrown out on my break @ work - 470 cal
1625 calories
weight: 256.6 lb/116.39 kg
fluctuation: -2.5 lb/1.13 kg
total fluctuation: -37.4 lb/16.96 kg
finally i'm starting to actually debloat lmao
don't have a lot to say, been reading a ton. also doing omad so early when i had a shift was a mistake that i'm not repeating today
#502
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Posted Yesterday, 06:14 AM
Do you do OMAD?
I have heard it´s a new "trendsetter diet" - but not only to lose weight but to improve overall health, digestion, blood sugar and stuff.
Doesn´t work for me, if I eat less then 4 times, I binge...
My accountability:
https://www.myproana...h-your-husband/
HW: 69 kgs - 152 lbs
after I tried recovery with the help of medication, and I really, really tried
LW 1: 38 kgs - 84 lbs
as a minor
LW 2: 42 kgs - 92 lbs
as an adult
GW: 47 kgs - 103 lbs
Height: 166 cm - 5.4 feet
- AN-R diagnosed at the age of 9
- AN-b/p diagnosed at the age of 13
- since then a mix of AN and B
- 37, mom of two, healthy BMI
- I suffer, I am not on a diet!
02/25/2022
After two days and 15 hours of b/p (fainted out the third time during a session) smart brain kicked in:
Trying to maintain BMI 19 at the moment.
#503
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Posted Yesterday, 06:33 AM
Orio, on 30 Jun 2022 - 06:14 AM, said:
not really and i'm honestly skeptical of the supposed health benefits, it seems more likely to lead to the development of GP than anything and just leads to me being dizzy and out of it half the time unless i time it well. i feel like most people (who aren't sedentary without disordered tendencies at the very least) end up treating it as some sort of crash diet that they break from eventually. the one person i know off this site who's had good results also worked a desk job and had a history of disordered eatingDo you do OMAD?
I have heard it´s a new "trendsetter diet" - but not only to lose weight but to improve overall health, digestion, blood sugar and stuff.
Doesn´t work for me, if I eat less then 4 times, I binge...
i'm way too physically active to sustain it without suffering consequences so i definitely get you about needing to eat a certain number of times/day. it was just a way of being more disordered than usual yesterday because things have been weird over here
i first came across the idea (or just of intermittent fasting) in some nutrition course i had to take for my associates and was skeptical of it then too. the professor was absolutely disordered herself (she actively insulted her own weight to the class despite being skinny lol) and the number of times the person giving whatever TED talk stressed how you shouldn't do this if you even think you might be susceptible to eating disorders was bonkers. so like… there was at least that bare minimum level of self awareness i guess. ngl having to sit through that class triggered a relapse into low restriction for a solid month :/
either way having my single meal be a pack of instant ramen more than 8 hours before my shift yesterday was objectively dumb as fuck
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Posted Yesterday, 06:58 AM
TPWLMST, on 30 Jun 2022 - 06:33 AM, said:
not really and i'm honestly skeptical of the supposed health benefits, it seems more likely to lead to the development of GP than anything and just leads to me being dizzy and out of it half the time unless i time it well. i feel like most people (who aren't sedentary without disordered tendencies at the very least) end up treating it as some sort of crash diet that they break from eventually. the one person i know off this site who's had good results also worked a desk job and had a history of disordered eating
i'm way too physically active to sustain it without suffering consequences so i definitely get you about needing to eat a certain number of times/day. it was just a way of being more disordered than usual yesterday because things have been weird over here
i first came across the idea (or just of intermittent fasting) in some nutrition course i had to take for my associates and was skeptical of it then too. the professor was absolutely disordered herself (she actively insulted her own weight to the class despite being skinny lol) and the number of times the person giving whatever TED talk stressed how you shouldn't do this if you even think you might be susceptible to eating disorders was bonkers. so like… there was at least that bare minimum level of self awareness i guess. ngl having to sit through that class triggered a relapse into low restriction for a solid month :/
either way having my single meal be a pack of instant ramen more than 8 hours before my shift yesterday was objectively dumb as fuck
OMG thank you. I thought I am the one-and-only-failure who cannot stick to this OMAD/IF stuff.
Watched a few videos of Dr. Erik Berg when I was in hospital and since then I noticed every time I eat something with a glycemic index above let´s say 30, 40 it causes binges. If I eat some veggies about 50 together with healthy fats, nuts, protein, it´s okay... But he suggests like 1-2 meals a day within a few hours and it just causes more trouble to myself and my ed-habits.
If I eat 4-5-6 smaller meals it´s way more easy for me to go through the day even if I restrict.
My accountability:
https://www.myproana...h-your-husband/
HW: 69 kgs - 152 lbs
after I tried recovery with the help of medication, and I really, really tried
LW 1: 38 kgs - 84 lbs
as a minor
LW 2: 42 kgs - 92 lbs
as an adult
GW: 47 kgs - 103 lbs
Height: 166 cm - 5.4 feet
- AN-R diagnosed at the age of 9
- AN-b/p diagnosed at the age of 13
- since then a mix of AN and B
- 37, mom of two, healthy BMI
- I suffer, I am not on a diet!
02/25/2022
After two days and 15 hours of b/p (fainted out the third time during a session) smart brain kicked in:
Trying to maintain BMI 19 at the moment.
#505
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Posted Yesterday, 07:41 AM
Orio, on 30 Jun 2022 - 06:58 AM, said:
from a quick search into him he looks like a grifter lol, his doctoral degree is in chiropractics and keto is a scam. any weight loss that occurs from him preaching IF comes from a reduction in snacking required by itOMG thank you. I thought I am the one-and-only-failure who cannot stick to this OMAD/IF stuff.
Watched a few videos of Dr. Erik Berg when I was in hospital and since then I noticed every time I eat something with a glycemic index above let´s say 30, 40 it causes binges. If I eat some veggies about 50 together with healthy fats, nuts, protein, it´s okay... But he suggests like 1-2 meals a day within a few hours and it just causes more trouble to myself and my ed-habits.
If I eat 4-5-6 smaller meals it´s way more easy for me to go through the day even if I restrict.
i think chiropractics can be useful for managing chronic pain from things like bad posture so long as you go to someone qualified who treats the practice more like a form of low grade physical therapy. i personally did have to see a chiropractor for a severe back injury because i couldn't afford physical therapy a few years back. but i wouldn't see someone whose focus is on the musculoskeletal system for critique surrounding my diet
but you definitely aren't a failure for being a human being with an eating disorder that manifests in a different way from what other (often decades younger) human beings with eating disorders talk about online. we both have shit going on that's more important than self destructing. i remind myself fairly often that people on this site are disordered (myself included) and so it's not worth throwing away what i've busted my ass to achieve trying to compete with them in a race to the bottom
also, again, you're recovering from surgery! i know it's not as easy as just flicking a switch to suddenly not be disordered but restriction and trying to eat less is going to slow down your rate of healing along with increasing the likelihood of complications. please try to take care of yourself
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#506
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Posted Yesterday, 08:35 AM
I am lying in bed, will write later more and also answer to pax...
My accountability:
https://www.myproana...h-your-husband/
HW: 69 kgs - 152 lbs
after I tried recovery with the help of medication, and I really, really tried
LW 1: 38 kgs - 84 lbs
as a minor
LW 2: 42 kgs - 92 lbs
as an adult
GW: 47 kgs - 103 lbs
Height: 166 cm - 5.4 feet
- AN-R diagnosed at the age of 9
- AN-b/p diagnosed at the age of 13
- since then a mix of AN and B
- 37, mom of two, healthy BMI
- I suffer, I am not on a diet!
02/25/2022
After two days and 15 hours of b/p (fainted out the third time during a session) smart brain kicked in:
Trying to maintain BMI 19 at the moment.
#507
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Posted Yesterday, 08:54 AM
Orio, on 30 Jun 2022 - 08:35 AM, said:
not the teenagers lol, i can recognize that we're in totally different stages of life, but i do compare myself to some adults. but that's also hard to do in some respects considering that i'm objectively fat and my end goal is to be strong rather than a lot of people's attempts to be weaker. the only person that i can rely on in my life to take care of myself is me and so the idea of being dependent on someone else (especially of my own doing) is legitimately terrifying. maybe not the healthiest train of thought but it also helps me reign in whatever self destructive impulses i may have so it is what it isDo you also compete with the teenagers here? And compare yourself?
I am lying in bed, will write later more and also answer to pax...
a combination of that, an unhealthy sense of duty, and spite is what fuels me 99% of the time ngl. but it means i'm graduating with honors from one of the best schools in the us despite having zero help from family and having to work close to full time during the semester so (shrugging)
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Posted Today, 05:09 AM
I am jealous - my brain is like a teen-brain and I always compare myself to the skinny 12 y/o on the streets. Ridiculous.
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My accountability:
https://www.myproana...h-your-husband/
HW: 69 kgs - 152 lbs
after I tried recovery with the help of medication, and I really, really tried
LW 1: 38 kgs - 84 lbs
as a minor
LW 2: 42 kgs - 92 lbs
as an adult
GW: 47 kgs - 103 lbs
Height: 166 cm - 5.4 feet
- AN-R diagnosed at the age of 9
- AN-b/p diagnosed at the age of 13
- since then a mix of AN and B
- 37, mom of two, healthy BMI
- I suffer, I am not on a diet!
02/25/2022
After two days and 15 hours of b/p (fainted out the third time during a session) smart brain kicked in:
Trying to maintain BMI 19 at the moment.
#509
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Posted Today, 08:33 AM
Orio, on 01 Jul 2022 - 05:09 AM, said:
I am jealous - my brain is like a teen-brain and I always compare myself to the skinny 12 y/o on the streets. Ridiculous.
eh, we all have our own problems
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Posted Today, 08:38 AM
1235 calories
weight: 255.4 lb/115.85 kg
fluctuation: -1.2 lb/.54 kg
total fluctuation: -38.6 lb/17.51 kg
my wisdom teeth are coming in again 😭 none of them are impacted but it's still not comfortable. the top rows are fully in from what i can tell but none of my bottom teeth had tried it yet before now
picked up some extra hours at work this week just because i don't like how much i have sitting on my credit card rn and i don't want to pull out of savings to pay it off
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#511
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Posted Today, 08:51 AM
I'm glad to hear your bloating is going down though!
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Posted Today, 08:53 AM
TraumatisedUnicorn, on 01 Jul 2022 - 08:51 AM, said:
Sorry to hear about your wisdom teeth, I hope they're not bothering you too much. If it's any consolation mine are also coming through right now (I say this like they haven't been coming through on and off for about 4 years at this point, I have no clue if that's even normal lol)
I'm glad to hear your bloating is going down though!
mine have been coming in in spurts for the last three years so that seems normal enough to me tbh
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#513
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Posted Today, 08:54 AM
TPWLMST, on 01 Jul 2022 - 08:53 AM, said:
mine have been coming in in spurts for the last three years so that seems normal enough to me tbh
That's good to know!
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Posted Today, 09:10 PM
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Posted 26 June 2022 - 02:29 PM
There's so much I want to say, and I've rewritten this post no less than five times now. I can't ever get it all out. Something prevents me from putting words to it all. These thoughts all buzz in the background, wanting to be let out, but they're trapped, and now making me sick. It just circles around and around and around and around and I am so goddamn dizzy.
For lack of better words, I feel I've hit a wall. I've been feeling that way for years now, but it's been especially worse these past couple of weeks. It lurks in the dark like a wretched monster. All I want out of life is to be more. Inherently, my very being is a mess, but if nothing, I could always work and clean up that mess. If I had nothing, I always had the drive to be more.
Maybe this is from when I was a kid. I used to be something, you know? Understand if you don't believe that now. If you knew me back then, you'd hate me now too.
I could pick up any topic and master it quickly and effectively. I was praised by my family, my teachers, my peers (the nicer ones, at least. I was bullied a fair share too). Top of my class. Gifted. Talented. Intelligent. Worth something. Middle school came around, and everything went downhill from there. Suddenly, we were learning things I couldn't grasp. I couldn't ask for help in class, because I didn't know how. I'd never needed help, was so used to being leagues ahead of my peers, but then I was falling behind at an alarming pace. I couldn't keep up. Everything started to blur. Waking up hurt. I dreaded school. I dreaded disappointing those around me. My only comfort was food, friends, video games, and sleep. Gaming was an addiction, I think. That's neither here nor there, but trust me when I say I was fucking addicted. I stopped turning in work I didn't finish. I couldn't finish it. I didn't understand it. My grades slipped from the highest marks to low Cs. My parents were unhappy. Grounded. I pulled myself together, and I made sure to get As/Bs. Minus math. That was fine though. I passed my classes, kept distracting myself, and moved the fuck on. I wasn't top of my class, but I did get ungrounded. Over time, I tricked myself.
Average is fine, I thought.
Average is the status quo. You can get by on average, can't you? I graduated average. Dead in the middle of my entire class.
University didn't work out. That's still too fresh to talk about. We can unpack that when I stop picking privately picking at that wound. I moved back home. I kept working. Picked up a steady job. Later, I moved out, and in with friends. Then, nothing.
Stagnated overall. I'm dumb as a doornail. My art hasn't improved in years. I can't focus for more than 5 minutes. I can't grasp basic concepts of the things I want to learn. Still a morbidly obese piece of filth. Self-loathing is nothing new to me, but something's amped it up recently.
I could distract myself. Work helps, as much as I hate it, but the free time gives me trouble. Gaming, a hobby (and addiction, back then) that brought me so much joy, only brings guilt these days. Same with reading. Socializing. I could be using that leisure time to work, or further improve my art or writing. Writing ends up going in circles, just like the twenty drafts of this post. Drawing is similar. I will try repeatedly to create something beautiful, but end up tossing it halfway through. There's only so many ways you can salvage garbage. I've been trying to teach myself things in relation to technology, coding, programming, but I can't grasp nor apply even the most basic of concepts. It makes me want to give it all up. What's the point of trying if I never finish a piece? Why continue to learn coding if I can't even grasp basic HTML? Why try to maintain friendships if I can't stand being around people? I didn't used to be like this.
I used to draw every day, and was proud of it. I used to be able to learn anything, and apply my knowledge. I used to talk to people.
I still try (and usually fail) to draw every day, even when my lack of growth frustrates me. I still try (and usually fail) to satiate my thirst for knowledge, even if I don't know how to properly fill up my cup. Socialization is still lacking, but I think I'm better off alone all things considered. I still feel alien despite being on Earth my entire life.
At the end of the day, I'm becoming little more than a failure. I feel like an error of a human, if I'm worth even being called such.
I want this to end so badly. More often than not, I can suffocate those urges, but nothing is working anymore. I can't focus on something long enough to muffle those internal screams. I've thought about the end a lot recently. Only in a broad sense. I don't have any plans, and do not actively intend on doing anything to myself. Just thinking about it here and then. Knowing there's a potential way out at any time brings me a shred of comfort.
I wasn't supposed to end up this way. There was supposed to be more to me.
I have more to say, but I can't. Invisible walls are my worst enemy. My sincerest apologies if this made no sense.
I am going to shower, smoke, then come back to my desk to attempt some sort of distraction.
Distortion, or Dis for short.
They/Them | 21
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Gender envy.
#104
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Posted 26 June 2022 - 03:48 PM
There used to be a post here, but I'm hiding it under an edit because I came to drastically different conclusion than what I originally posted.
I can't elaborate. I will be changing. (:
Just know that I am wildly high for the time being, and (thankfully) feel much better than when I posted the above.
Distortion, or Dis for short.
They/Them | 21
Accountability/Rambles
Gender envy.
#105
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Posted 27 June 2022 - 05:45 AM
I feel like something snapped again, like I've gained a new understanding of the world. It's a similar feeling to when I first started this accountability. Still, this new understanding only lends even further questions. Maybe this isn't an improvement by any means, and I'm still stuck in my delusional old ways, but I feel different than I did last night. Better, but somehow worse, too. My nerve endings feel raw above all else.
I am on mobile, so my apologies in advance if this is disorganized and typo-riddled. Feeling a need to word-vomit at an unusually early hour. Getting to the root of it all hurts. It's oddly serene all the same. It's nearly 8 AM as I'm writing this, been awake since 5. That's far too early for me to be awake, but something won't let me sleep. And, to be frank, I got stupidly high and insightful last night, so I crashed pretty hard. I still want to sleep, but I feel a need to try and put words to this feeling. I can see it so well, but verbalizing it is another story entirely.
This is about to get very nonsensical and rambly. This makes sense to me now. I feel enlightened. I feel like I'm truly seeing.
It's a warm dread. I'm detached from everything, but just enough that I can pick it apart and continue to overthink and over=examine everything. It's the same endless pour of thoughts from my grey matter, but amplified tenfold. It's overwhelming but I feel an urge to tame the mental stream. If I can shepherd these thoughts, then I can become more powerful than anyone could ever imagine. I've talked about this concept before. Overthinking and an overactive head is a curse beyond all measure, but I feel like I can manipulate that, craft and cobble this curse into a tool, something with a purpose.
After all, I have always felt a lack of purpose, a lack of true self. What is a real personality when you can stitch one together from the remnants of what you were supposed to be? IRL, I very much keep in line with a couple of archetypes. I'm the dumb, lazy, fat-but-funny stoner friend, the dumb but loveable goof. I'm fucked up and dark too, but overall, I try to stay approachable. Despite how it seems here, I'm quite a people pleaser. Like to keep the peace. I'm very conflicted on that version of 'me'.
It's comfortable to be that way. After all, what else do I know? At the same time, I feel an inescapable urge to fucking throttle myself for playing the fool for so long. When I was younger, no one took me seriously. People still don't take me seriously. I don't expect them to. I don't take myself serious in most cases. I truly am stupid. Why did it take me this long to realize I want more than this? I'm not sure what 'more' is yet. I just want change.
I'll keep up appearances. Like I said, I'm comfortable playing the fool. There's something charming in the jingle of a jester. I don't know what the goal is. I'll just try changing a whole lot until I'm satisfied. Everything I've posted here before now was a preamble to the real Distortion.
There is an ED element to this too. It can fill in the numerous gaps. Food was a comfort. Still is. It's an addiction. It's connected to everything written above, but I've worn myself out with the rambles, so I can't highlight those connections. You can see them, right? I relapsed too, with SH, so minor warning for that from here if you're still reading. To be fair, I was never free from the self-harming side of things. It just became few and far between. I forgot how euphoric that first cut is. I want to destroy myself truly.
As above, worn out on the rambling. Reading this all back, I sound batshit fucking insane, but it feels real now. I hope this feeling, this warm dread, stays.
Good morning. (:
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Posted 27 June 2022 - 07:53 PM
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Posted 27 June 2022 - 09:15 PM
It is awful watching you go through all that you're going through. I wish I could help. But it surely is in the air.
It's odd how we can watch and know things are happening from a mile away to us, but then it's like we can't stop it.
We can feel the sense of dread, we can feel the weakening of our ability to "control" ourselves until it snaps. It's almost like
sometimes watching it happen to someone else. Until the fog clears and it's happened to us and we're left standing holding the knife so to speak and no idea how we got here.
I am always here for a chat whenever. I hope you can get some clarity and figure whatever you need/want to figure out.
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Posted 28 June 2022 - 10:13 PM
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Posted 28 June 2022 - 10:15 PM
L0LLIR0T, on 27 Jun 2022 - 9:15 PM, said:
It is awful watching you go through all that you're going through. I wish I could help. But it surely is in the air.
It's odd how we can watch and know things are happening from a mile away to us, but then it's like we can't stop it.
We can feel the sense of dread, we can feel the weakening of our ability to "control" ourselves until it snaps. It's almost like
sometimes watching it happen to someone else. Until the fog clears and it's happened to us and we're left standing holding the knife so to speak and no idea how we got here.
I am always here for a chat whenever. I hope you can get some clarity and figure whatever you need/want to figure out.
Beautifully worded, my friend. Dreadful fog, isn't it?
You're far too kind to me. I really appreciate you. <3
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Posted 29 June 2022 - 07:17 AM
distortion, on 28 Jun 2022 - 10:15 PM, said:
Beautifully worded, my friend. Dreadful fog, isn't it?
You're far too kind to me. I really appreciate you. <3
Sometimes I come through with getting a point across in a way others can understand.
The fog is just awful. And trying to break free and see is the hardest.
I totally get it about the new tiktok tread you're referring too in a previous post. I've always been ugly to myself as well, but I also was told that often times that voice in our head that says these ugly things, is because someone else put that voice there and it resonates hard as well.
I just treat you the same way that you do me.
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Posted 29 June 2022 - 09:22 PM
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Posted Yesterday, 11:23 AM
The only way I sleep, and my son will sleep is with Benadryl. We just take 1 pill every night.
Some nights I take two if I know I don't have to get up and be useful lol
We both had awful issues with melatonin and agitation, hard to wake up etc.
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Posted Yesterday, 08:36 PM
L0LLIR0T, on 30 Jun 2022 - 11:23 AM, said:
The only way I sleep, and my son will sleep is with Benadryl. We just take 1 pill every night.
Some nights I take two if I know I don't have to get up and be useful lol
We both had awful issues with melatonin and agitation, hard to wake up etc.
Melatonin did the same thing to me too. Sure, it worked like a charm, but the grogginess and bitchiness within me upon waking up was not worth it, ha. I'll also be having taking some Benadryl here shortly. So, bottoms up, friend, let's get some good rest!
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Posted Yesterday, 08:36 PM
Halo Top rant over, it's time for bed. Until tomorrow, dear reader. <3
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Posted Yesterday, 08:54 PM
distortion, on 30 Jun 2022 - 8:36 PM, said:
Melatonin did the same thing to me too. Sure, it worked like a charm, but the grogginess and bitchiness within me upon waking up was not worth it, ha. I'll also be having taking some Benadryl here shortly. So, bottoms up, friend, let's get some good rest!
I wonder if it has something to do with the way we think or whatever wave length our brains are on. My parents had the same issue, and yet my wife and her family can take it like candy at like 10mg a night of melatonin and sleep like the dead. (actually my wife can take the lowest dose and still sleep like the dead lol)
Fingers crossed for a great nights sleep! And welcome July.
;o I feel the same way about meat and I agree that eating here has felt different to say the least. I couldn't necessarily put my finger on it but it is just as you described. That's odd.
It has almost felt heavy in my mouth, or I could feel the texture more, or I don't know how to describe it. But it's different and not like usual.
I totally am looking forward to you going vegan. I could never go actually vegan but I've been vegetarian for probably a good 80-85% of my life. Probably only eat meat a couple times a month, and sometimes not even then. <3 Cheese and eggs would be my biggest issue. Well and butter/milk.
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Posted Today, 11:06 PM
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Posted Today, 11:10 PM
L0LLIR0T, on 30 Jun 2022 - 8:54 PM, said:
I wonder if it has something to do with the way we think or whatever wave length our brains are on. My parents had the same issue, and yet my wife and her family can take it like candy at like 10mg a night of melatonin and sleep like the dead. (actually my wife can take the lowest dose and still sleep like the dead lol)
Fingers crossed for a great nights sleep! And welcome July.
;o I feel the same way about meat and I agree that eating here has felt different to say the least. I couldn't necessarily put my finger on it but it is just as you described. That's odd.
It has almost felt heavy in my mouth, or I could feel the texture more, or I don't know how to describe it. But it's different and not like usual.
I totally am looking forward to you going vegan. I could never go actually vegan but I've been vegetarian for probably a good 80-85% of my life. Probably only eat meat a couple times a month, and sometimes not even then. <3 Cheese and eggs would be my biggest issue. Well and butter/milk.
My apologies, I have zero logical answer as to how I've missed your new accountability. I recall you thinking about a new one not long ago, so it was on my radar. Sometimes you just need a new page. It can be refreshing. I also appreciate having something to read before bed. It would be nice to catch up on the bits and pieces. We really are on very similar wavelengths. It's always nice to be friends with someone who gets it.
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Posted Yesterday, 04:40 PM
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Posted Yesterday, 08:54 PM
quasimodogirl, on 05 Jul 2022 - 4:40 PM, said:
Hey ruby, sorry i havent been checking in as often with you. Sorry that you arent able to limit purging as much as youd like, but im happy for you cuz ur losing weight so quickly! Hows everything going otherwise? Im hunting for a new apartment rn but weirdly enough i literally dont care where i end up cuz my current place is just the worst cuz of my roommates lol. Like i already know theres nowhere thats worse. Other than that i finished a book called my annihilation but to be honest it was only something i finished because i owned it, it kind of made no sense lmfao
No worries! You sound busy! I hope apartment hunting goes well for you. Living in a good environment is soo important for mental health, glad you are leaving your crappy roommates. Good job finishing a book even if it wasn’t the best! I’m terrible at finishing books unless I sit down and read the whole thing in one sitting lol.
Things are going well for me. The purging sucks for my health but hey you’re right, i’m losing weight! Feeling lot’s of pressure to hit my bday goal, I think I have a good chance of reaching it though. Also going to be under lot’s of pressure at work this month. I’m barely getting any days off because my one coworker is taking vacation week, then immediately after my boss is taking a vacation week lol. So i need to be on top of my game!
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Posted Yesterday, 09:02 PM
CW: 106.8 lbs (48.4 kg) BMI: 20.2 BF%: 21.3
Steps: 2,337/10,000
Calories Burned: 1358 (as of 10pm)
Calories Consumed: 904/500 (+ B/P x2)
Carbs: 177g Fat: 6g Protein: 22g Sugar: 125g
Intake:
B/P
(Ramen
Pasta salad
Mashed potato)
B/P
(Lactose free chocolate ice cream + sprinkles
2 cinnamon buns)
1 single takis fuego chip
1 snap pea fresh from my parents garden
1 date
3 mini pizzas made on corn tortillas
Toppings; Mix of bbq sauce and pizza sauce, red onion, green and orange bell pepper, 1 jalapeño, 4 slices ham, 2 tsp nutritional yeast
1 can smirnoff ice
1/4 of a watermelon
Notes:
Somehow lost weight after yesterday’s disaster. 106.8 today! Everyday my weight goes down I am happier, only 8.8 pounds to lose for UW BMI. It’ll be a struggle trying to lose that in 2 weeks but I just gotta stay strong and not panic. I can do it!
Binged and purged twice this afternoon. Carbs first, then dessert. I had just finished purging when my bf got home from work lol. Waited around for a couple hours then we went to my parents because they wanted to give us some soup they made. Full of dairy though so it was just for my boyfriend lol. I ate a snap pea from their garden and I tried a date for the first time. Tasted fine, but I was wary of eating more than 1 because I know they are very high in calories.
At home I made myself mini pizzas for dinner on corn tortillas. Healthy, low cal, and delicious. Dessert was a can of alcohol and 1/4 of a watermelon. I feel full and for once it’s not because of bingeing! Just good food. Hopefully the watermelon and the date help move things along, I want to lose weight tomorrow and I absolutely hate when food weight sticks around. Even if the scale doesn’t go down though I know I did good today. I purged my binges very thoroughly then I kept down under 1000 cals of food.
Bonus photo of deer in the yard today, there was a third one but he got spooked by some people on the sidewalk.
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quasimodogirl, on 05 Jul 2022 - 4:43 PM, said:
Hey alex, ty for commenting on my shitty little thread a while ago when i couldnt stop binging. That was super nice of you and even though i always read your thread i barely comment so i wanted to check in as well. I rly admire how responsible you are, youre a self starter and i find it motivational. I was wondering if you read for fun and if so, what kind of books?
oh it's nothing really! i hope the last few days have been easier. all things considered things have been alright on my end? i'm busy but this summer's been a lot less miserable than last year - although i miss having access to ac ngl haha
it's sweet of you to say that i'm responsible :,) with that said i honestly do tend to procrastinate a lot...
and yeah i read for fun when i can! during the semester it's harder to want to read on top of my workload but when i get the chance to read something non-serious i trend towards all sorts of fantasy and sci-fi. i did have a stint where i read a ton of murder mysteries though. carrying a book around with me at all times helps
i also always seem to have 1-2 seinen manga that's actively publishing on the backburner to catch up with in random bursts. the only reason that i don't have that going for me now is that houseki no kuni's been on hiatus for ages and golden kamuy just finished publishing. the latter's ending was a massive letdown though :/
i've heard good things about dorohedoro, witch hat atelier, and dungeon meshi and might fill the void with those soon lmao
Choco_Bitch_612, on 05 Jul 2022 - 6:19 PM, said:
yikes that cult stuff would be more funny if it wasn't scary how many people they brainwash
yeah i agree. i'm less trying to make light of the people who're hurt by this shit (and it's been running long enough that it's a self-perpetuating system whose victims are the ones spread on all rungs of the ladder at this point) as much as i've been just baffled as an outside spectator by the troves of information and structure its built up. some of the shit coming out of this sounds like a satirical parody of the concept of cults. after doing further reading my stance has gone from "this is a cult" to "this is so much cultier than it looks on the surface" to "this is a death cult" into my final stance of "this is a death cult with the least compelling narrative of the apocalypse and ensuing paradise that i've ever come across"
ultimately i hope that my coworker (and honestly everyone else in it who hasn't been so entrenched in this to the point where its dissolution would more or less shatter them, it's a pretty all encompassing worldview) is able to escape from this relatively unscathed and able to retain a relationship with her mom because hoo boy i'm not a 'religion is the opiate of the masses' reddit nu-atheist by any means but having the idea that nothing is permanent so you aren't allowed to engage with anyone around you and instead need to prepare to prove yourself devout and unwavering through the imminent 1000+ years of torment to be worthy of eternal paradise is bleak
its one saving grace is that she's pressured to convert people in general just to prove her faith in order to qualify for that torment rather than to convert me, personally, as a (non-practicing) jew in order to kickstart the apocalypse like is expected of evangelicals. not that i think she'd engage in that at work. but that's also a pitfall in its own way because i can't imagine how shitty it must be to constantly carry the expectation that you're only allowed to engage with others if you have proselytization as an ulterior motive
on an unrelated note i hope you've been well too! i saw that you're getting involved in some sort of study? good luck, hope the financial compensation's decent
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Posted Today, 12:17 AM
TPWLMST, on 05 Jul 2022 - 7:11 PM, said:
yeah i agree. i'm less trying to make light of the people who're hurt by this shit (and it's been running long enough that it's a self-perpetuating system whose victims are the ones spread on all rungs of the ladder at this point) as much as i've been just baffled as an outside spectator by the troves of information and structure its built up. some of the shit coming out of this sounds like a satirical parody of the concept of cults. after doing further reading my stance has gone from "this is a cult" to "this is so much cultier than it looks on the surface" to "this is a death cult" into my final stance of "this is a death cult with the least compelling narrative of the apocalypse and ensuing paradise that i've ever come across"
ultimately i hope that my coworker (and honestly everyone else in it who hasn't been so entrenched in this to the point where its dissolution would more or less shatter them, it's a pretty all encompassing worldview) is able to escape from this relatively unscathed and able to retain a relationship with her mom because hoo boy i'm not a 'religion is the opiate of the masses' reddit nu-atheist by any means but having the idea that nothing is permanent so you aren't allowed to engage with anyone around you and instead need to prepare to prove yourself devout and unwavering through the imminent 1000+ years of torment to be worthy of eternal paradise is bleak
its one saving grace is that she's pressured to convert people in general just to prove her faith in order to qualify for that torment rather than to convert me, personally, as a (non-practicing) jew in order to kickstart the apocalypse like is expected of evangelicals. not that i think she'd engage in that at work. but that's also a pitfall in its own way because i can't imagine how shitty it must be to constantly carry the expectation that you're only allowed to engage with others if you have proselytization as an ulterior motive
on an unrelated note i hope you've been well too! i saw that you're getting involved in some sort of study? good luck, hope the financial compensation's decent
oh don't worry! i hope i didn't sound accusatory or anything. i was mainly just saying whenever i hear or see any type of cult like rambling like that, i find it kind of funny but then i remember how scary it is.
also lol i wish i was getting paid. thanks for the luck <3 i hope it works out too because this is getting oooold.
H: 5'7.5 LW: 150 (2014) SW: 158 (2014) HW: 216 (Dec. 2019..that's embarrassing) CW: ?
Gw 1: 190 lbs (86 kg) BMI - 29.3
Gw 2: 180 lbs (82 kg) BMI - 27.8
Gw 3: 170 lbs (77 kg) BMI - 26.2
Gw 4: 160 lbs (73 kg) BMI - 24.7
Gw 5: 150 lbs (68 kg) BMI - 23.1
Gw 6: 140 lbs (64 kg) BMI - 21.6
Gw 7: 130 lbs (59 kg) BMI - 20.1
Gw 8: 120 lbs (54 kg) BMI - 18.5
♥ UGW: 114 lbs(51 kg) BMI - 17.6 ♥
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Posted Yesterday, 01:05 PM
days binge free: 3
water intake: 1 L
food intake
pain au chocolate
total: 183/500 calories
lols i am so sick. i left the nursery at 1pm bc i felt like shit and i’ve been in bed drifting in and out of sleep since then. idk where it came from, i had muscle aches yday but i didn’t think that it’d lead to a fever. it’s completely gotten rid of my appetite tho so i’m not complaining too much. i was thinking ab having a high cal day or a maintenance day bc i wanna get better by tom but ed mind was like no lol. i feel bad enough for the pain au chocolate bc i know that i could’ve turned today into a fast day without much trouble
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Posted Yesterday, 10:52 PM
18 - He/Him
Stats, Goals, and More Dragons
I have dragons and dragon eggs! Click to help them grow up 
Stats
Height: 5'5.5" / 65.5in / 166cm
HW: 157lbs / 71kg / BMI 25.7
LW: 145lbs / 65kg / BMI 23.8
SW: 149lbs / 67kg / BMI 24.4
CW: 146lbs / 66kg / BMI 23.9
Goals
GW1: 145lbs / 65kg / BMI 23.8
GW2: 140lbs / 63kg / BMI 22.9
GW3: 135lbs / 61kg / BMI 22.1
GW4: 130lbs / 59kg / BMI 21.3
GW5: 125lbs / 56kg / BMI 20.5
GW6: 120lbs / 54kg / BMI 19.7
GW7: 115lbs / 52kg / BMI 18.8
GW8: 110lbs / 49kg / BMI 18.0
UGW: 105lbs / 47kg / BMI 17.2
_________________________________
Updated May 20th, 2022
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