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Posted 18 June 2022 - 08:34 PM
June 18th, 2022
11:34 pm
dear anyone,
i’m going to a pride festival with my friends in a week. i would love to be down in weight for that! plus, i’m gonna try and find a cute outfit for it!
i’ve been eating too much. i’m trying my best…
-teeth
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|teeth| |23| |they/them|
agender, autistic, & asexual
five foot, one inch
| highest bmi: [35] |
| current bmi: [32.6] |
goal weights:
goal one: [26] - fat alien
goal two: [23] - normal alien
goal three: [17] - small alien
ugw: [15] - the tiniest alien ever!
but i'm a แดสแดแดแด, i'm a แดกแดษชสแด แด
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Posted 21 June 2022 - 12:14 PM
june 21st, 2022
3:11 pm
dear anyone,
i did a little tarot card reading yesterday. the results were better than i thought they were going to be. usually, the tarot cards call me out on my bullshit. but, no this time! the cards said that i was going to start a new journey of some kind. it will be hard and there are things that might get in my way but, i must stay valiant. i’m going to have someone else (i think my bf honestly) to help me with this journey.
sunday night into yesterday, i was just talking to my bf about how i want to change everything. i want to be more active. i want to eat better and take care of myself and my surroundings better. i want to set the apartment up differently than what we have it. i have a whole idea in my mind of what i want to be and what i want my environment to be. i just really need to fix things.
i want to start by eating more. i tend to fast for most of the day and i have noticed that it isn’t good. i get anxious, angry, and stressed at work very easily when i don’t eat all day. plus, i come home being super hungry and eating too much in one sitting. i’m going to have breakfast but make it high calorie then progress through the day eating less and less before going to bed.
i want to start to make routines for myself for the morning and at night. i want to feel tired and not just from the weed i smoke. i want to feel like i’ll get good sleep on my own without weed.
i feel like i just go to work and sleep. i mean, i do go out but most of the time, it’s to thrift shop for clothes that won’t fit me. i hate the mindset that i have with the weight i’m at. i hate that i look at smaller people and smaller clothes and get really fucking sad about gaining this weight.
i just feel sad about it but, i don’t do anything about it!
habits die hard. but the habits i’ve created since being with my boyfriend are really bothering me to the point where i relapsed in hurting myself not that long ago.
if i start seeing food and exercise as tools vs chores, i’ll get somewhere.
things will change. i will get them to change!
plus i kind of want to feed the god-complex i'm starting to develop from this whole disorder...like i'm better than the mortals who just eat whatever and continue to gain weight. i can be higher than them!
-teeth
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|teeth| |23| |they/them|
agender, autistic, & asexual
five foot, one inch
| highest bmi: [35] |
| current bmi: [32.6] |
goal weights:
but i'm a แดสแดแดแด, i'm a แดกแดษชสแด แด
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Posted 28 June 2022 - 11:08 AM
June 28th, 2022
2:08 pm
dear anyone,
i didn’t end up going to pride with my friends. i was so anxious and my sleep schedule is so fucked up that i was up for most of the the night into the day of. i had to work at 6 to get off by 11. i was so tired after work that i fell asleep and when i woke up, i just didn’t want to go. i would have to drive where i haven’t driven in a very long time. it was going to be hot and crowded, and i was worried it was going to be loud. my best friends understood my whole anxiety thing and i will see all my best friends sometime next month i hope!
-teeth
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|teeth| |23| |they/them|
agender, autistic, & asexual
five foot, one inch
| highest bmi: [35] |
| current bmi: [32.6] |
goal weights:
but i'm a แดสแดแดแด, i'm a แดกแดษชสแด แด
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Posted 05 July 2022 - 12:19 PM
july 5th, 2022
3:19 pm
dear anyone,
i just want to be pretty and thin again. i want to eat under 600 calories for the rest of june but, i’m not entirely sure i can do that with my history of binging. as long as i stay under my tdee of 2,000, i should lose some weight. i just really have to watch it.
-teeth
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|teeth| |23| |they/them|
agender, autistic, & asexual
five foot, one inch
| highest bmi: [35] |
| current bmi: [32.6] |
goal weights:
but i'm a แดสแดแดแด, i'm a แดกแดษชสแด แด
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Posted 12 July 2022 - 05:54 PM
july 12th, 2022
8:48 pm
dear anyone,
i have so much anxiety about food today. i feel like it will last forever...
i fought through brain fog today due to my blood sugar being so low. the last time i ate was last night. i haven’t had brain fog in a long time. i also was getting a little dizzy as well. i hope it stays. i want to feel like i'm doing something right when the world and my brain is not...
i really just want to see my weight go down. i will work hard to get it to go down. i’m sticking with 800 calories for the rest of july. i already had my period which usually triggers binges due to being over emotional so, i won’t have anything to stop me.
800 calories. that’s fucking it.
i also found a random bruise on my thigh today? i can't remember if i hit anything but, i must have at some point lol!
-teeth
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|teeth| |23| |they/them|
agender, autistic, & asexual
five foot, one inch
| highest bmi: [35] |
| current bmi: [32.6] |
goal weights:
but i'm a แดสแดแดแด, i'm a แดกแดษชสแด แด
#86
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Posted 23 July 2022 - 03:20 PM
july 23rd, 2022
6:20 pm
dear anyone,
i apologize for the lack of updates. things have been super busy for me. my parents are leaving the state next week and i’ve been busy spending time with them until they go.
i’m so close to 160’s it’s driving me nuts. i just need to lose like 3 pounds. that’s nothing!
i hope to see 165 by the end of august. as long as i keep everything under control, i can. i just want to see 140. man i’ll feel so small compared to my highest. and then i can just keep doing down and down and down…
-teeth
|teeth| |23| |they/them|
agender, autistic, & asexual
five foot, one inch
| highest bmi: [35] |
| current bmi: [32.6] |
goal weights:
but i'm a แดสแดแดแด, i'm a แดกแดษชสแด แด
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Posted 21 May 2022 - 06:52 AM
following. 
Sorry for the odd post in the old thread. Hope it didn't bring back any feelings.
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Posted 21 May 2022 - 09:25 PM
L0LLIR0T, on 21 May 2022 - 06:52 AM, said:
following.
Sorry for the odd post in the old thread. Hope it didn't bring back any feelings.
i don't mind at all! i get confused all the time so i understand!!!
|teeth| |23| |they/them|
agender, autistic, & asexual
five foot, one inch
| highest bmi: [35] |
| current bmi: [32.6] |
goal weights:
goal one: [26] - fat alien
goal two: [23] - normal alien
goal three: [17] - small alien
ugw: [15] - the tiniest alien ever!
but i'm a แดสแดแดแด, i'm a แดกแดษชสแด แด
#63
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Posted 23 May 2022 - 07:04 AM
P.S.
a note to myself:
you have been skinny, tiny, small, thin for 20 years. you have only been fat, huge, obese for 1. you can get back to being thin again!
stick to safe foods, vegetables, fruits.
eat less than 1,000 calories and try and drink more water.
you can fucking do it!!
|teeth| |23| |they/them|
agender, autistic, & asexual
five foot, one inch
| highest bmi: [35] |
| current bmi: [32.6] |
goal weights:
but i'm a แดสแดแดแด, i'm a แดกแดษชสแด แด
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Posted 23 May 2022 - 09:12 AM
i just also kinda need to get these ideas down so yeah!
here are some eye makeup looks i would love to do (but probably never will!):
i love the idea of a glossy eyelid or really graphic but simple eyeliner. i also love the idea of the dot on the bottom eyelash line in the middle of the eye. the one with the stars could be for when i'm feeling like extra i guess lol.
i'm also more or a natural beauty type of person. a few of these looks are out of my comfort zone. i want to stretch it and see what i can do!
my usual makeup is curled lashes with mascara and highlighter on the tip of my nose. i happen to love my little button nose so i like to show it off! my eyelashes have always been an obsession of mine since i was like 14! i also love highlighter but, i feel like my skin will breakout on eczema if i use too much of it!
this is also gonna sound strange lol. i want to sometimes have a different persona i do makeup for that's like alien meets grunge babe. here's the gif that helped me come up with this idea!
for my alien grunge babe persona, i want to do maybe my usual makeup but with a holographic twist! i would also out on fake freckles to complete the look!
i'm just so excited to start trying to form who i want to be! all of these paired with a whimsical goth, dark grunge, or anything aesthetic i want (and the thin, tiny, skinny, small body i want!) will look amazing!!!
thanks for coming to my TED talk!
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|teeth| |23| |they/them|
agender, autistic, & asexual
five foot, one inch
| highest bmi: [35] |
| current bmi: [32.6] |
goal weights:
but i'm a แดสแดแดแด, i'm a แดกแดษชสแด แด
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Posted 23 May 2022 - 10:39 AM
I love the make up ideas. I envy those who know how to do makeup. I've only ever done mascara, some eye liner (can't even do wings like ever) and then some no smudge lip stain. - I always forget about lipstick and screw it up all over my face or something lol
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Posted 24 May 2022 - 11:33 AM
L0LLIR0T, on 23 May 2022 - 10:39 AM, said:
I love the make up ideas. I envy those who know how to do makeup. I've only ever done mascara, some eye liner (can't even do wings like ever) and then some no smudge lip stain. - I always forget about lipstick and screw it up all over my face or something lol
i can't do wings either actually. i really can only like smudge the shit out of some pencil liner lol. i also have very thin lips so i don't wear anything on them. i would love to like try something that makes them a bit bigger so i can feel comfortable wearing something on them. i've always been envious of other people who can wear something! i would love to wear like a red or maybe a coral color since the coral is the closest shade to my lips!
|teeth| |23| |they/them|
agender, autistic, & asexual
five foot, one inch
| highest bmi: [35] |
| current bmi: [32.6] |
goal weights:
but i'm a แดสแดแดแด, i'm a แดกแดษชสแด แด
#67
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Posted 28 May 2022 - 12:37 PM
may 28th, 2022
3:37 pm
dear anyone,
i’m hoping to lose a lot of weight in june. i joined a challenge and i really hope it goes alright. june will be different. i have plans. i’m going to try and save money by putting an allowance on my spending. i will also be restricting as much as i can! i might give myself free days just in case of events. i know my stepdad’s retirement party is in 13 days. i really want to see 170 for it. i’m just gonna have to keep my calories low and maybe get a new weed. the kind that we have gives me hella munchies and it’s pretty annoying.
i hate going to stores. i hate clothes shopping. i hate seeing how small i use to be. i hate that i gained so much weight. i feel like i’m just fueled with hate. hate for myself and my body.
i did relapse in self harm the day before. i told my bf and he almost cried. i had a big screw up and i couldn’t get over it. so, now i have 3 new marks on my arm. i want to keep doing it but the look on my bf’s face when i showed him might be enough for me to not do it again. instead, i can just restrict my calories!
-teeth
|teeth| |23| |they/them|
agender, autistic, & asexual
five foot, one inch
| highest bmi: [35] |
| current bmi: [32.6] |
goal weights:
but i'm a แดสแดแดแด, i'm a แดกแดษชสแด แด
#68
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Posted 28 May 2022 - 02:52 PM
P.S.
my hair might be a neon green which wasn't supposed to happen. lmao oh well!
also! get ready for some actual intake entries again! yay!
|teeth| |23| |they/them|
agender, autistic, & asexual
five foot, one inch
| highest bmi: [35] |
| current bmi: [32.6] |
goal weights:
but i'm a แดสแดแดแด, i'm a แดกแดษชสแด แด
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Posted 29 May 2022 - 09:59 PM
-, on 24 May 2022 - 11:33 AM, said:
i can't do wings either actually. i really can only like smudge the shit out of some pencil liner lol. i also have very thin lips so i don't wear anything on them. i would love to like try something that makes them a bit bigger so i can feel comfortable wearing something on them. i've always been envious of other people who can wear something! i would love to wear like a red or maybe a coral color since the coral is the closest shade to my lips!
Lol I use to be able to do it, but some how I can't do them anymore. xD I have friends who don't have thick lips and they just watched some tutorials online to make them "appear" bigger. Works for them. lol Things were easier before contour and everthing. Just wear heavy eyeliner and move on. xD buy crazy colored eyeshadow from hot topic with some manic panic. Oh the good old days.
-, on 28 May 2022 - 2:52 PM, said:
P.S.
my hair might be a neon green which wasn't supposed to happen. lmao oh well!
also! get ready for some actual intake entries again! yay!
Haha I want to see and live vicariously through you. I've stopped dying my hair. I decided a couple weeks back I'm growing it out all natural again. It's been over a decade. xD okay, maybe 15 years but still.
Can't wait to see.
I hate that you had bad days and felt the need to SH. I've so been there. I SH'd almost as long as my ED has been around. I can't even say I've stopped it's just much less frequent. Had a couple relapses this last year after years of not doing it. Unfortunately it still gives the same rush, if not more. It feels better than it use to. But it worries me running the risk of if my son sees it. He's old enough to ask questions like that. and saying "oh I just got hurt" doesn't cover it really. So I think it's more of a I don't do it out of guilt than anything. So I get it. I think a good friend I had was probably what kept me alive and kept me somewhat in check for so many years. I swear it's like ED and SH go hand it hand.
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Posted 29 May 2022 - 10:54 PM
may 30th, 2022
1:54 am
dear anyone,
i no longer want to eat unclean food. i no longer want fast food or junk food. i’m tired of feeding myself shit. i want to try and start working out! i’m gonna start with walks (making sure to drink enough water!) then maybe when i lose some weight and figure out budget-wise, i can get a gym membership! i’m very excited!!!
i would also like to get some routines established! i want to build a night time routine and a morning routine! i would like to figure out a skincare routine for them and maybe a little witchcraft routine too?
i’m also interested in the whole “leaky gut syndrome” and how to make it better. i would love it if i didn’t feel like a piece of shit everyday due to all the fast food and junk food i eat! i want to know what it’s like to eat well, exercise and drink water!! i just want to feel better!
the better i eat = the lower the calories i consume = the more weight i lose = the smaller i get!
i would really love to fit back into my small binder! my gender and body dysphoria has gotten so much worse since i gained all the weight…my chest would need to be 32 inches and my shoulder width would have to be 13 inches.
i have plans and goals! i hope june is successful! good luck to me!!!
-teeth
|teeth| |23| |they/them|
agender, autistic, & asexual
five foot, one inch
| highest bmi: [35] |
| current bmi: [32.6] |
goal weights:
but i'm a แดสแดแดแด, i'm a แดกแดษชสแด แด
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Posted 30 May 2022 - 08:04 AM
I think trying to eat better is the best thing ever.
I wish you all the best. I definitely think that it makes losing weight easier, but also it does help the body feel better.
On days I eat better, I feel better. Same with exercise.
<3 Looking forward to this journey of yours.
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Posted 30 May 2022 - 12:05 PM
quote:
L0LLIR0T, on 29 May 2022 - 9:59 PM, said:
Lol I use to be able to do it, but some how I can't do them anymore. xD I have friends who don't have thick lips and they just watched some tutorials online to make them "appear" bigger. Works for them. lol Things were easier before contour and everthing. Just wear heavy eyeliner and move on. xD buy crazy colored eyeshadow from hot topic with some manic panic. Oh the good old days.
Haha I want to see and live vicariously through you. I've stopped dying my hair. I decided a couple weeks back I'm growing it out all natural again. It's been over a decade. xD okay, maybe 15 years but still.
Can't wait to see.
I hate that you had bad days and felt the need to SH. I've so been there. I SH'd almost as long as my ED has been around. I can't even say I've stopped it's just much less frequent. Had a couple relapses this last year after years of not doing it. Unfortunately it still gives the same rush, if not more. It feels better than it use to. But it worries me running the risk of if my son sees it. He's old enough to ask questions like that. and saying "oh I just got hurt" doesn't cover it really. So I think it's more of a I don't do it out of guilt than anything. So I get it. I think a good friend I had was probably what kept me alive and kept me somewhat in check for so many years. I swear it's like ED and SH go hand it hand.
reply:
things were definitely easier when i was younger than this “glam camera ready/hollywood ready” time we live in! i really crave back when people weren’t obsessed with looking constantly ready for a camera or glammed out! it's fun to do it every once in a while but, everyday just seems excessive to me! although, highlighter, mascara, and eyeshadow will always be my babies!
i haven’t dyed my hair in a long time! i kind of just said “fuck! let’s do it!” and did 2 rounds of bleach with only 10 volume. i smacked a dark green on top but it came out a bit neon! my bf said my hair wasn’t blond/bleached enough which would make sense! i still really like it either way! i remember when i had bright yellow hair and worked at a grocery store, all the kids with their parents would whisper and point out my hair! it was the best part of the day!
my self harm used to be pretty bad. back in 2017 when i went to college, i was self harming multiple times per night. i even have the number of the most marks i’ve had on my skin before. it was truly awful and my ed was probably at its worst. before this relapse, i had broken almost a year of self harm free (i can’t remember the exact number of days but, i know it was 300+!) i always felt bad that my bf saw it and would get upset about it. so, i just didn’t do it anymore. my urges did go away after a while. self harm is the one thing that kind of makes me feel better in some sick, twisted way. i’ve done it for 10+ years so it’s just a bad coping mechanism i turn to. : /
i want to do it more honestly. i don’t know why i’ve been so triggered to recently…i just feel so out of control sometimes! with my autism, i feel like i make mistakes and that triggers me. i always want to try to do my best so no one gets upset with me but, it's hard!
eating disorders and self harm of any kind does go hand in hand. they're both just bad coping mechanisms!
|teeth| |23| |they/them|
agender, autistic, & asexual
five foot, one inch
| highest bmi: [35] |
| current bmi: [32.6] |
goal weights:
but i'm a แดสแดแดแด, i'm a แดกแดษชสแด แด
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Posted 30 May 2022 - 09:22 PM
-, on 30 May 2022 - 12:05 PM, said:
quote:
Spoiler
reply:
Spoiler
things were definitely easier when i was younger than this “glam camera ready/hollywood ready” time we live in! i really crave back when people weren’t obsessed with looking constantly ready for a camera or glammed out! it's fun to do it every once in a while but, everyday just seems excessive to me! although, highlighter, mascara, and eyeshadow will always be my babies!
i haven’t dyed my hair in a long time! i kind of just said “fuck! let’s do it!” and did 2 rounds of bleach with only 10 volume. i smacked a dark green on top but it came out a bit neon! my bf said my hair wasn’t blond/bleached enough which would make sense! i still really like it either way! i remember when i had bright yellow hair and worked at a grocery store, all the kids with their parents would whisper and point out my hair! it was the best part of the day!
my self harm used to be pretty bad. back in 2017 when i went to college, i was self harming multiple times per night. i even have the number of the most marks i’ve had on my skin before. it was truly awful and my ed was probably at its worst. before this relapse, i had broken almost a year of self harm free (i can’t remember the exact number of days but, i know it was 300+!) i always felt bad that my bf saw it and would get upset about it. so, i just didn’t do it anymore. my urges did go away after a while. self harm is the one thing that kind of makes me feel better in some sick, twisted way. i’ve done it for 10+ years so it’s just a bad coping mechanism i turn to. : /
i want to do it more honestly. i don’t know why i’ve been so triggered to recently…i just feel so out of control sometimes! with my autism, i feel like i make mistakes and that triggers me. i always want to try to do my best so no one gets upset with me but, it's hard!
eating disorders and self harm of any kind does go hand in hand. they're both just bad coping mechanisms!
Absolutely. I remember growing up with white eye shadow and blue mascara days. Lol Where lip gloss was all the rage. I don't think I've ever used any sort of foundation/highlighter/etc lol I wouldn't know how. I didn't even wear make up until high school and then it was like crazy punk/goth/emo with heavy black and neon colored eye shadow. xD
I think a lot of us have been struggling even harder for the last couple years with all that's been going on and there is only so much as a human we can endure before we just snap. I hope you have better days ahead. But yes we all turn to these awful coping mechanisms in times of relapse.
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Posted 30 May 2022 - 09:47 PM
L0LLIR0T, on 30 May 2022 - 9:22 PM, said:
Absolutely. I remember growing up with white eye shadow and blue mascara days. Lol Where lip gloss was all the rage. I don't think I've ever used any sort of foundation/highlighter/etc lol I wouldn't know how. I didn't even wear make up until high school and then it was like crazy punk/goth/emo with heavy black and neon colored eye shadow. xD
I think a lot of us have been struggling even harder for the last couple years with all that's been going on and there is only so much as a human we can endure before we just snap. I hope you have better days ahead. But yes we all turn to these awful coping mechanisms in times of relapse.
thank you! i honestly just need to find better ways to cope lol!
|teeth| |23| |they/them|
agender, autistic, & asexual
five foot, one inch
| highest bmi: [35] |
| current bmi: [32.6] |
goal weights:
but i'm a แดสแดแดแด, i'm a แดกแดษชสแด แด
#75
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Posted 30 May 2022 - 10:06 PM
-, on 30 May 2022 - 9:47 PM, said:
thank you! i honestly just need to find better ways to cope lol!
agreed. If you find it let us know. lol
#76
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Posted 03 June 2022 - 11:31 AM
P.S.
i've been binging for the first 2 days of june. (thanks to stupid munchie weed shit!) i hope to be able to go get new weed that won't make me want to eat so fucking much and just relax. i'm hoping to post a food log for today later!
|teeth| |23| |they/them|
agender, autistic, & asexual
five foot, one inch
| highest bmi: [35] |
| current bmi: [32.6] |
goal weights:
but i'm a แดสแดแดแด, i'm a แดกแดษชสแด แด
#77
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- 642 posts
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Posted 04 June 2022 - 12:08 AM
friday
june 3rd
cw: n/a
weight gain | weight-loss | no change
overall weight-loss from sw: n/a
-
calorie goal: ≤ 1,000
fasted:
n/a
breakfast:
-two good peach yogurt (80 [2g])
lunch:
-nothing (0)
dinner:
-chipotle
•double wrapped veggie burrito with brown rice, black beans, light cheese, and guacamole (~1,265 [3g])
snacks:
-nothing (0)
water total: n/a
total calories: 1,345
total: sugar: 5g
under calories | over calories | equal calories
+345
under sugar | over sugar | equal sugar
-20g
|teeth| |23| |they/them|
agender, autistic, & asexual
five foot, one inch
| highest bmi: [35] |
| current bmi: [32.6] |
goal weights:
but i'm a แดสแดแดแด, i'm a แดกแดษชสแด แด
#78
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Posted 06 June 2022 - 03:52 PM
sunday
june 5th
cw: 175.2
weight gain | weight-loss | no change
-2.4
overall weight-loss from sw: -9.8
-
calorie goal: ≤ 1,000
fasted:
n/a
breakfast:
-nothing (0)
lunch:
-nothing (0)
dinner:
-bean burrito (~790)
snacks:
-nothing (0)
water total: not sure actually
total calories: ~790
total: sugar: n/a
under calories | over calories | equal calories
-210
under sugar | over sugar | equal sugar
???
|teeth| |23| |they/them|
agender, autistic, & asexual
five foot, one inch
| highest bmi: [35] |
| current bmi: [32.6] |
goal weights:
but i'm a แดสแดแดแด, i'm a แดกแดษชสแด แด
#79
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Posted 08 June 2022 - 08:39 PM
tuesday
june 7th
cw: n/a
weight gain | weight-loss | no change
overall weight-loss from sw: -9.8
-
calorie goal: ≤ 600
fasted:
n/a
breakfast:
-large black iced coffee (0)
-hashbrown (150)
lunch:
-nothing (0)
dinner:
-starbucks roasted tomato & mozzarella panini (380 [3g])
-1 pump white mocha sauce (60 [11g])
snacks:
-chicken parmesan (???)
water total: n/a
total calories: 590 known
total: sugar: 14g
under calories | over calories | equal calories
under sugar | over sugar | equal sugar
-11g
|teeth| |23| |they/them|
agender, autistic, & asexual
five foot, one inch
| highest bmi: [35] |
| current bmi: [32.6] |
goal weights:
but i'm a แดสแดแดแด, i'm a แดกแดษชสแด แด
#80
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Posted 12 June 2022 - 01:12 AM
june 12th, 2022
4:12 am
dear anyone,
my stepdad's retirement party went really well! i ate a lot and was the biggest out of my whole family! yay...
we went for a walk and i was sweaty, tired, and out of breath by the end. i felt so awful.
plus, it was down by a riverfront. there we tons of people that were running. i felt so fucking disgusting. everyone saw me and i just honestly wanted to hide. fuck. how did i let myself get this big?
i'm gonna try and keep and eye on the weather for the next week. maybe, i can go take a walk a few times. and maybe try and eat more often but, small calories things.
-teeth
- L0LLIR0T and distortion like this
- Like This
|teeth| |23| |they/them|
agender, autistic, & asexual
five foot, one inch
| highest bmi: [35] |
| current bmi: [32.6] |
goal weights:
but i'm a แดสแดแดแด, i'm a แดกแดษชสแด แด
-
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