but i'm a ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘ, i'm a ᴡᴇɪʀᴅᴏ
#1 
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Posted 01 January 2022 - 10:39 AM
call me teeth.
just trying to shrink down to my bones.
this is a new accountability for 2022. my other accountability threads are in my signature.
enjoy the shitshow!!!
-
current month intake plan:
☆ july ☆
✰ calorie limit: 800
► keep sugar intake as low as possible
► track water intake: 40 - 64 oz per day
► eat vegetarian and limit dairy products
#2
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Posted 04 January 2022 - 01:26 AM
january 4th, 2022
3:26 am
dear anyone,
i hate this body. i hate how it looks. i really need to fix it all.
i have no idea how to not get into the binge-starve cycle. i end up stuck in it all the time.
i just need to figure this out. figure out how to actually lose this weight. i will feel so much better once i'm back to how small i was before i binged for months. i also looked so much better. not to mention, my binder fit me. i don't want to have to buy another one in a bigger size. it makes me feel so gross and icky for some reason. there's nothing wrong with gaining weight and going up sizes for others. but for me. i hate it. i feel like i admitted defeat from who i was before. i basically lose myself in all of the weight i gain.
while sorting through clothes due to moving in a month, my bf saw a pair of shorts from when i was smaller. he smiled and was just reminiscing about how it felt to touch me and hold me when i was smaller. it has helped me see that i have lost myself in all of this extra weight i now carry.
i want to get back to the gender-less being i was trying to achieve. i want to go back to being smaller me. i will get there. i will figure this all out...
-teeth
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Posted 05 January 2022 - 12:00 AM
january 5th, 2022
2:00 am
dear anyone,
i'm trying to figure out a plan as i always try to do. but, at this point. i have no idea what i should do.
i'm hoping to buy my skate pads and my helmet here soon. i really want them for the spring time so i can try and learn how to skate!
i also want to join a gym soon. i said i was going to, but it's been a challenge for me. i don't want anyone to see me try and workout at this weight. i might start with just taking walks or something. my dad got me a park membership that's going to be 20 mins away from my apartment. i could walk there all the time!! as long as i get 30 - 45 mins, maybe even over an hour, it should make a difference. after all, i'm huge so i should burn a lot. i hope so anyways...
i really need to work on eating less and fasting. maybe i should build back up to fasting for 24 hours. maybe start at like 12 and add 2 hours a day or a week. i don't want to be fasting for multiple days in a row. maybe just twice per week. other than that, i gotta keep my calories down. i gotta figure out what meals are okay to eat and which ones will just fuck me over.
i'm thinking that if i eat breakfast, have a small lunch or just a snack, then i could eat dinner. it would really only be two meals a day. i could keep them low. my goal for calories is eventually, getting down to the ranges of 300 - 500, or 500 - 700. i will also make two days cheat days and maybe a few 1,000 days as well. i know i will lose weight by only eating 500 - 700 per day. i've done it before at a much lower weight. i can and will again.
wow. how many times have i said that over all of my accountabilities??? lmao!
i can't wait to at least feel better about my body. i can't wait to possibly feel more masculine and/or neutral about my body. i can't wait for my boobs to shrink back up, along with my butt, hips, and thighs. i can't wait for everything to get smaller again..
-teeth
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Posted 06 January 2022 - 12:50 AM
january 6th, 2022
2:50 am
dear anyone,
my bf and i went to get things pretty much finalized for the new apartment today!!! for some reason, it was very difficult to keep eye contact with the lady. i honestly don't know why. i'm afraid the trend will continue into work. if i get put in at the drive-thru or take orders in the cafe, it'll be harder for me to do my job. it should go fine otherwise. we'll just have to see.
-teeth
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Posted 07 January 2022 - 12:14 AM
january 7th, 2022
2:14 am
dear anyone,
i am starting to think that i'm autistic. i've thought about it before. with barely being able to make eye contact yesterday with the apartment lady, i've been starting to dive into it a bit deeper. i started a whole list on my phone of things that could be traits of it. i really gotta make a therapist appointment soon. i don't know if she can properly diagnose me with it but she can at least hear what i have to say. everything that i have been reading about it just seems to make sense when it comes to me and my life.
i have zero self control when it comes to food. i did have self control at some point but, i lost it. i would love to have it back tbh. i would love to feel just in control of something for once in my life.
i will be starting to track my intake here soon.
my grandma died on sunday. her funeral isn't until next wednesday. i'm really not ready for it.
-teeth
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Posted 08 January 2022 - 12:12 AM
january 8th, 2022
2:12 am
dear anyone,
i've been watching youtube videos and having meltdowns. you know, just the usual.
i really wish i could figure out who i am. i want to get back into fashion and have a personal sense of style vs just wearing whatever fits. i want to find clothes that i adore and maybe even make my own.
i want to keep in mind the grunge aesthetic but, in my own way. just watching other people have their sense of style and fashion makes me feel so pathetic. i just throw on a pair of jeans and a shirt and don't even think about it. i feel like once i get to a point where i'm starting to figure my HRT shit out and just becoming who i want to be, it will help a lot. i used to feel so secure in myself when i was a kid. up until highschool when i started questioning my gender, i actually had a sense of who i was. now, it's gone...
the good news is that the new apartment complex we're moving to actually has a gym not that far away. plus, there's ton of walking paths and new places to explore. i'm so excited for spring to actually walk around in warm weather! maybe once i lose the weight i've gained, i will feel better and get back into figuring out my style!! and my depression won't be so bad (my meds will work better since they're tailored to when i was around 115 pounds) so, i will have motivation to do things!!! just gotta get there first!
-teeth
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Posted 11 January 2022 - 12:16 AM
january 11th, 2022
2:16 am
dear anyone,
no one cares that you have an eating disorder unless you're thin and underweight. no one cares if you're suffering unless you look sick. it just sucks.
i held up a crop top today that used to fit me when i was smaller to my bf. he just watched my face turn from "wow! that's so small!" to "oh, i used to be that small...". he said that we'll work on it. no offense dear, but i think i'll be the only one really working on it.
i keep making the excuse that we're moving so i don't have to do anything right now. i'm honestly so upset with myself for thinking like that. but, i just know that moving to this new apartment will be better than where we are now.
i low-key feel like fasting tomorrow but, idk. i'll be at work for most of the day then afterwards, my bf will be at work. i'll be home alone until wednesday morning. i think i'm just gonna try and keep my calories as low as possible! maybe do the 300 - 500 range??
i gotta figure out what i'm going to wear to my grandma's funeral. i believe the last time my mom's side of the family saw me, i was around 130 pounds. i'm so much heavier now and i'm so embarrassed. it's just so noticeable on my face (stupid chubby, child-like face!) and i can't hide that. i can hide my body though. i just don't know with what. plus, my coat doesn't fit me right now and the funeral will be outside at some point. i also have to go back to my grandma's house to get something to remember her by as well as a few things for my mom. my mom's siblings are so selfish and annoying. they act like fucking teenagers when they're full-ass adults! ugh! i look forward to seeing some of my cousins!
the only good news about being this high in weight is that, the next time anyone is gonna see me - that i don't see on a regular basis - are going to be shocked by how much weight i've lost and how small i am. before this weight gain, i was always small but, this time, i'll be smaller.
maybe i'll get a thigh gap and my cheeks will fucking go down. god. why did i have to be born with a such round face? thanks dad!
again at some point, i will be posting intake shit. maybe once i get settled into the new apartment??? idk!
-teeth
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#9
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Posted 12 January 2022 - 02:54 AM
january 12th, 2022
4:54 am
dear anyone,
i wish i could be different. i wish i could just shed this stupid skin and body of mine into something i want to live in. i mean, i know i technically can. but, it's just been so hard to get started with it.
this new apartment will be better for me. i know it will. i will finally have space again to do what i want. i haven't had that since i was an early teenanger. it's been years since i haven't felt trapped in a cage. i thought moving to the apartment that i'm living in now was going to be a big change. it wasn't. it turned out just the same as it was before. i have no space to do anything. now, the new apartment has that spare room. i can make it mine. my bf will have his set up in the living room and his space there. i will have a whole room! i can't wait to get a desk in there, my painting things, and my gaming systems! i'll be able to not feel so fucking trapped.
i can also just go walking whenever i want again. i would've been at the place we're in now but, i don't know the city well enough. plus, my bf said that there's a lot of petty theft here. i would much rather not risk it. the new place has a whole lot of walking trails and things! ahhh! i just really can't wait.
i gotta get a few things done before we move. like, go through our clothes. a lot of my clothes don't fit me anymore. i have gained a lot of weight since last year...i also don't really have that much stuff really. i just have a lot of decor, books, and clothes. i have a pair of afends jeans that i got early last year. they're for a 25 - 27 inch waist. when i was my smallest, i had a natural 22 inch waist. it's twice the size i once was. i would just like to get it back down to at least a 24 - 25 inch. that would make me feel so much better. i want to do it hopefully by this summer!!
i have around 5 months to get it down. i can do it!!!
-teeth
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Posted 14 January 2022 - 06:00 PM
january 14th, 2022
8:00 pm
dear anyone,
am i the only one that has an obsession with mary-kate and ashley olsen? i just love how they look. mary-kate especially! she just looks like skeletal and hollow and i kind of want that look??? i want to look how small, thin, and boney she did when she had an eating disorder. that sounds so terrible but i honestly don’t care. she looked good to my disordered brain and i want it! (she did have a lot of work done over the years, but still!)
i work at starbucks and i have been recently obsessed with their cheese and fruit protein box! it's like 470 calories and has 3 types of cheese, crackers, apple slices, and grapes. i'm not a big fan of grapes so, i don't eat them. plus, i usually only have 10 minutes to eat the whole thing. i was actually thinking about making my own version of it!
i bought babybel cheese (70), blueberries (i'm gonna use 1 cup [80]) or an 1 apple (~95), and maybe some of these little seafood snackers (80).
(i am no longer vegetarian but honestly, i might go back to it. i feel guilty about eating meat most of the time…)
i really need to work on drinking more water! it’s just impossible with work tbh. i’m usually so busy that i don’t think about it. i also can only keep it in the back ‘cause of health code violations. :/
-teeth
#11
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Posted 16 January 2022 - 01:16 AM
january 16th, 2022
3:16 am
dear anyone,
my sleep schedule is so off. tomorrow’s my last day of work before my day off, so i should be alright. my bf and i are hoping to get some chores done tomorrow. we really need to clean the apartment (i’m going to hit the bathroom and maybe have him deep clean the kitchen!) up in general and go through clothes. like i said before, a lot of not just my clothes, but our clothes don’t fit. i’m hoping i’ll be okay with parting with a lot of them. i can always build my wardrobe back up as i lose weight. i would also like to save up enough money to buy skinny jeans again. i know i can still wear skinny jeans at this weight but i just really hate how big my thighs are. i don’t want to show them off anymore than i have to.
i haven’t weighed myself in a while. i know i’m around the same weight. there’s no need to see that number and make me feel terrible. i want to weigh myself when i feel like i might’ve lost something. i might not even weigh myself until i lose like 5 - 10 pounds and can tell. the only problem with being short and small is that if i gain only 5 pounds, it’s super noticeable. i really hate it when i gain weight but not lose weight. it has the opposite effect.
i am going to start tracking sugar again. i really want to try and eat as clean as possible. i would also like to gradually lower the amount of sugar i eat gradually. i would love to be the person that can eat something not so sweet while everyone else around me is jacked up on sugar. it makes me feel so superior to everyone else that’s “normal”. i don’t need crazy amounts of sugar in my coffee or in my food. i want to learn to enjoy food without sugar! sugar = bad, weight gain, fat, etc. in my disordered brain. i would also love to be able to drink black coffee at some point. i have in the past but that was a while ago!
-teeth
#12
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Posted 19 January 2022 - 01:49 AM
january 19th, 2022
3:49 am
dear anyone,
so, i’m officially getting my mullet later today! i’m beyond nervous about it. i’m going to ask for her brutal honesty on whether or not it will fit my face shape. if she says no, i will just get it cut boyish short. i’m just so anxious that it won’t look as good as i hope it will. i just want something radical again. i had a shave-around and long on top last year around this time. i fucking adored it. i might do that again at some point. it was just hard to maintain really. i had to ask my bf to help me shave it once!
i have also decided that once we move into the new apartment, it’s game time. i will be figuring my shit out before that move but i won’t be doing anything with it until we move. i just feel like it will be better to have a stable environment to build up on. i honestly do plan on eating all three meals. i want to make them as healthy as possible. drink more water and just figure it all out!
i also need to get my sleep schedule fixed. i keep eating a lot at night ‘cause i’m up and i get hungry. i don’t eat that much during the day. i don’t wake up in time to get food before i go to work. i want to change that. i want to start making breakfast and taking a little snack during work!
i will be writing up a grocery list full of fresh foods that i can prepare every week! i will also figure out what containers i can put them into and how i will be prepping them for the week! i will get this figured out!!!
-teeth
#13
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Posted 20 January 2022 - 03:14 AM
5:14 am
dear anyone,
guess who’s got a mullet now?! MEEE! she took one look at the picture and was like “oh cool! we can do that!”. i was so happy while she was cutting my hair. at some point, i got a little worried ‘cause it looks like a bad mullet with a bowl-cut but, she fixed it! i also got the sides of my head up below my ears shaved as well! she gave be the bright idea of bleaching the shaved parts and possible dyeing them fun colors! i’m very excited for work tomorrow!
i’m deciding to call the whole diet plan a lifestyle change. it both sounds better, and put this whole thing into a more healthier mindset for me and everyone else i talk about it to. just so no one gets concerned too quick and stops me from getting thinner. this sounds kind of terrible, but i honestly don’t really care.
i’ll be posting the plan once i actually write it all out just in case anyone wants to read it!
-teeth
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Posted 26 January 2022 - 06:42 PM
january 26th, 2021
8:42 pm
dear anyone,
i have come up with a list of food and things for the new apartment. everything is mainly organic or as natural as possible. as little sugar added is what i’m gonna do. let’s hope i don’t have a panic attack or anything while grocery shopping, like i have before. they weren’t like full blown ones but, they were almost ones. speaking of grocery stores, there’s a trader joe’s that’s not too far from the new apartment. i’m going to go check it out in the next two weeks. i am so excited! there’s never been one around where i grew up. everyone seems to love it so, i wanna go!
things are going to change. they have to...
i can't wait to get the compliments. i can't wait to fit into old sizes again. i can't wait to have control. i can't wait to feel better about myself. there's so many benefits to losing this weight. to becoming what i want to become...
-teeth
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Posted 30 January 2022 - 03:47 AM
january 30th, 2022
5:47 am
dear anyone,
i think i’m going to start doing intermittent fasting. i actually do this most of the time when i work but i would like to actually keep track with it. i want to do the 16:8 version; fast for 16 hours and eat in an 8 hour window. i will have to adjust to my work schedule daily and maybe on my days off stick to a plan. besides that, i think i can do it! i do get my work schedule for 3 weeks in advance so i can make a plan weekly for this! i just hope this helps with losing weight. i’m focusing mainly on getting the weight down. i just want to see my body shrink before my eyes. i really just want to fit back into at least a size 6 as soon as possible! i’m twice that and would have to lose about 5 inches from my chest, waist, and hips. i remember being a size 6. i believe i was around 140 to 160 pounds. so, about 20 - 30 pounds that i need to lose.
for the first two weeks of february, i will just be tracking my intake. i need to see what i’m actually eating calorie wise. then, in the last 2 weeks of february, i will be going lower. my TDEE at this weight is estimated to be around 1,800. my TDEE when i was 100 pounds was 1,300. so, i’ll just start eating that low again until i feel like i can go lower.
-teeth
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#17
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Posted 02 February 2022 - 02:37 AM
february 2nd, 2022
4:37 am
dear anyone,
today is my bf and i’s anniversary. i asked him out 2 years ago. it’s crazy how time flies!
i had a really strange dream. the very last thing i remember is that a lot of people were mad at me ‘cause i went crazy at my sisters apartment during a party. i didn’t remember what i did and no one was telling me and i was so distraught. i worry if other people like me due to my actions. i think it’s an autism thing? like i worry that i did something “against the rules” for social interaction or just something super strange.
i honestly have been so triggered to start self harming recently. i’m always messing something up. i feel like i need to be punished for it…i’m like 152 days clean. it would be over two years but i relapsed last fall. i’m also afraid that my bf will find out in general. sometimes i forget that i do it and go to change in front of him, when we’re intimate, or showering together and have to quickly cover it up. if i relapse again, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. i don’t want to talk about why i relapsed if i do or anything about it entirely. i also don’t want him to be upset with me.
i bought some bomb-ass clothes while thrifting yesterday. i’m very excited about trying them all on and wearing them! i’m also excited ‘cause i can watch them get loose on me! i just need to work harder for what i want!!
-teeth
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#19
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Posted 04 February 2022 - 02:39 AM
day three of tracking:
february 3rd
total: ~1,760
-40 from current TDEE
this is the last day of no restriction tracking!
i will be starting to restrict to my old TDEE the 4th!
changed my mind after seeing how much i was eating for only 3 days! lmao!
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Posted 04 February 2022 - 04:47 AM
february 4th, 2022
6:47 am
dear anyone,
i think i’m going to stop tracking calories and start restricting as of today. as it turns out, i am eating way too much! and, i’ve only been tracking for like 3 days! now i see how i’m maintaining this high of a weight. i’ve just been so ignorant to what i’ve been eating for like 9 months! it's going to be rough to restrict while we're moving into the apartment but i can make it work.
we haven’t gotten the keys to our new apartment yet. there’s been a winter storm that actually had my work close at 11 this morning! i was due to go in at 3 so, i didn’t have to go in at all. it's totally fucked my sleep schedule like really badly. i'm going to try and stay up for most of the day today so i sleep later during the night! the better sleep i get, the more motivated i'll be to lose the weight!
my bf and i kinda get fast food a lot. i hope that once we move into the apartment, we won’t rely on fast food so much! we’ll have a decent kitchen with more counter space for cooking!! And space for a dining room table!! i’m so excited!! my bf wants me to show him the food plan for the new apartment so, i think he’s wanting to make a change too!
also! i now know who river phoenix is and i am in love with him??? he’s so pretty but in such a good, strong, masculine way. just like louis tomlinson and harry styles. these are the three people i have gender envy for lol! i just can’t wait to start HRT and get shit started!!! ahhhh!
i hate looking at old photos of myself. for most of last year, i didn't take that many pictures, dress up all pretty or any of that. i always felt so gross due to my weight. i never wanted to do any of that. now, i have a craving for it again! i just gotta manage my eating habits better! 1,300 calories for the rest of the month! more water, less junk!
-teeth
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