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Phrases that hit different when you're higher BMi
#1 
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Posted 12 July 2022 - 10:20 AM
I know a lot of thinner folks with EDs find this phrase intensely distressing, but when I was heavier it was only ever intended as "looks like you've lost weight!"
What are yours?
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Posted 12 July 2022 - 10:45 AM
''Don't you try losing any more weight, you look good.'' The thing about being in a higher bmi range and being severely disordered in the head is, I don't want to look good, I've never wanted to look good. Stop looking at me.
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Posted 12 July 2022 - 06:23 PM
missingskeletonsuit, on 12 Jul 2022 - 10:45 AM, said:
''Don't you try losing any more weight, you look good.'' The thing about being in a higher bmi range and being severely disordered in the head is, I don't want to look good, I've never wanted to look good. Stop looking at me.
Felt this in my soul.
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Posted 12 July 2022 - 09:18 PM
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Posted 12 July 2022 - 11:16 PM
As for one that peeves me, I've always been pear/hourglass shaped even at my HW. All my friends and even my husband says "You're not fat! You're just curvy/thicc!" No I am literally class 3 morbidly obese wtf
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Posted 12 July 2022 - 11:50 PM
"you have such a pretty face"
it just means that the rest of me is ugly
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Posted 16 July 2022 - 06:31 AM
"You look like insert fat celebrity's name here"
"You're not fat you're beautiful"
"Some people are just built bigger"
"You are well proportioned"
"Do you want these clothes, I lost weight so they don't fit me anymore"
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Posted 16 July 2022 - 08:09 AM
missingskeletonsuit, on 12 Jul 2022 - 10:45 AM, said:
''Don't you try losing any more weight, you look good.'' The thing about being in a higher bmi range and being severely disordered in the head is, I don't want to look good, I've never wanted to look good. Stop looking at me.
I have lost about 42lbs but am still overweight and have now had 3 coworkers on 3 separate occasions tell me I can stop losing weight now.
I feel like a crazy person, how do they not see I'm still fat??
Also, how dare they tell me what to do with what my body.
The ED voice gets angry when people say stuff like that to me.
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Posted 16 July 2022 - 09:14 AM
SpiritScout, on 16 Jul 2022 - 08:09 AM, said:
I have lost about 42lbs but am still overweight and have now had 3 coworkers on 3 separate occasions tell me I can stop losing weight now.
I feel like a crazy person, how do they not see I'm still fat??
Also, how dare they tell me what to do with what my body.
The ED voice gets angry when people say stuff like that to me.
Same! It baffles me every time people feel the need to comment & give commands about other people’s weights.
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Posted 16 July 2022 - 09:57 AM
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Posted 11 March 2022 - 08:58 AM
Choco_Bitch_612, on 11 Mar 2022 - 12:38 AM, said:
THIS. 100% THIS. people (mainly straight men) deny it but they only hate on gay ships/pairings with the excuse of "why can't they just be friends" meanwhile they wouldn't say the same thing about a straight pairing. especially in the anime community, you'll have 2 male characters that a lot of fans ship and straight male fans will cry "why can't they just be friends?!" meanwhile will 100% 2 opposite gender characters with the same dynamic and personalities in another show. they'll never admit to the heteronormativity tho and just act like everything is made to be gay which couldn't be more false.
It's extremely frustrating! I completely agree. What we should really be pushing for is more depictions of platonic friendship between men and women in media. Now that is rare...
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#402
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Posted 11 March 2022 - 09:05 AM
Seriously, you are brilliant and would be such an engaging teacher at a progressive liberal arts college. I could see you inspiring minds everywhere like you do with mine. I used to LOVE my gender studies classes back in my uni days and though my brain isn’t able to process higher level critical thought at the moment, when it returns (if it returns…) I would love to hear more about your thoughts and viewpoints. I could just eat up knowledge and be a a full time student forever… sigh…
I hope today is better for you and I wish the nights were easier. I think that is why my body just shuts right down after I eat at night - because it is so done with the thoughts and needs a break! I thought about messaging you last night but then my Klonopin kicked in and I was out like a light. But know you were and are always in my thoughts every day.
Do you have a plan for when you have another attack? Are the people at IP supportive and helpful? I hope that if you need more help that they treat you with the respect and dignity you deserve.
I haven’t watched MASH in eons! Maybe one day I will take a trip down memory lane and dredge up some oldies but goodies. I used to watch it on VHS when I was IP as a kid on bed rest! Brings back so many memories…
Love you my muse. Hope you have a fabulous Friday xo
“Everyone is going to die - it’s up to you what you do along the way”
Accountability : https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4287851-dum-spiro-spero-%E2%80%9Cwhile-i-breathe-i-hope%E2%80%9D/
Harm Reduction Saves Lives. Period.
MPA Harm Reduction Thread
https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4307737-harm-reduction-accountability-all-welcome/
What is Harm Reduction (for Eating Disorders)?
https://jeatdisord.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40337-020-00306-3/tables/1
A GREAT article on Refeeding and Refeeding Syndrome:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2440847/
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Posted 11 March 2022 - 10:09 PM
3/11/22
Breakfast: Coffee with soy milk, protein pancake, vegetarian sausages...I also had an apple
Snack: Decaf soy latte, fairlife protein drink
Lunch: "Chicken" salad sandwich and a salad
Snack: So much endless snacking I can't possibly write it all...
Dinner: Spring tabbouleh (extremely not traditional, lmao...I made it with quinoa, chickpeas, radish, tomato, green peas, cucumber, mint, parsely, lemon, olive oil, and some pitsachios & dried currents)
Total calories: lord only knows, I'm still hungry and might eat more
I don't have very much to say about today. My head hurts and I am intentionally numbing my emotions to the best of my ability. My plan tonight is to take some nyquil or hydroxizine to knock out. I couldn't even muster up the emotional energy to put on a movie..it felt like too much of a commitment, somehow. I feel like I'm wasting time. I don't get out enough, I don't read enough, I don't move enough, I don't socialize enough. Something's got to change.
Apologies for such negativity tonight. At least I can daydream about the lives of fictional characters like I always do. I put myself to sleep most nights thinking up little stories and scenarios for them...telepathic fanfiction, lol.
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#404
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Posted 11 March 2022 - 10:13 PM
Pax~Immorte, on 11 Mar 2022 - 09:05 AM, said:
Good morning future Gender Studies Prof!
Seriously, you are brilliant and would be such an engaging teacher at a progressive liberal arts college. I could see you inspiring minds everywhere like you do with mine. I used to LOVE my gender studies classes back in my uni days and though my brain isn’t able to process higher level critical thought at the moment, when it returns (if it returns…) I would love to hear more about your thoughts and viewpoints. I could just eat up knowledge and be a a full time student forever… sigh…
I hope today is better for you and I wish the nights were easier. I think that is why my body just shuts right down after I eat at night - because it is so done with the thoughts and needs a break! I thought about messaging you last night but then my Klonopin kicked in and I was out like a light. But know you were and are always in my thoughts every day.
Do you have a plan for when you have another attack? Are the people at IP supportive and helpful? I hope that if you need more help that they treat you with the respect and dignity you deserve.
I haven’t watched MASH in eons! Maybe one day I will take a trip down memory lane and dredge up some oldies but goodies. I used to watch it on VHS when I was IP as a kid on bed rest! Brings back so many memories…
Love you my muse. Hope you have a fabulous Friday xo
I do have a crisis plan, but I'll admit that it's only somewhat helpful for me at this point. Medication is proving far more helpful but I have intense fears of my tolerance going up if I overuse it...not fear of addiction, as I have absolutely no interest in abusing a medication that is necessary for my wellbeing (if I want to get high I'll buy other drugs, lol!) but because I don't want to be in a situation where the prescribed amount doesn't do the trick anymore and I run out before my next prescription comes in. Already I have noticed that I need 0.75-1 mg for a panic attack instead of 0.5 mg, and it really disturbs me. I have been trying my best to take klonopin-free days a few times a week if I can manage it, but the half life is so long that I don't really know if it makes any difference. I don't know!
Perhaps I'll watch a couple episodes of M*A*S*H tonight since my attention span is quite short at the moment. It will probably help me feel better!
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Posted 12 March 2022 - 09:18 AM
Gosh I wish I had you at my side yesterday… it has been a rocky few days and I am eager for next week. It is lonely not having anyone here in person who understands though I certainly have a lot of support which is good.
Do you ever write down your bedtime stories? I bet you are an incredible writer! I would love to read them
How was your night? I use a combo of gravol and klonopin for the same reason - my tolerance to benzos is ridiculously high and yet gravol knocks the shit out of me! No joke, more than fentanyl which is wild. It puts me right to sleep, especially the suppository ones. Plus they settle my tummy which is a nice perk!
What are you plans for the weekend? Are you working? Your food always looks so yummy. By the time I get there I will hopefully be on solid food again and we can cook together!
There is a program in Seattle I am interested in - one of the Emily Program’s facilities. If they would be willing to work with my opiate meds and complex medical needs, I am considering going back into treatment to see if I can give myself another chance. I feel like I need a lot of therapeutic support this time around. Plus it is close to my family and we don’t have centres like that in Canada. The government has paid for me to access US treatment before so I am looking into it. Regardless though, I am going to that concert!
Chat with you a bit later I hope xo
“Everyone is going to die - it’s up to you what you do along the way”
Accountability : https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4287851-dum-spiro-spero-%E2%80%9Cwhile-i-breathe-i-hope%E2%80%9D/
Harm Reduction Saves Lives. Period.
MPA Harm Reduction Thread
https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4307737-harm-reduction-accountability-all-welcome/
What is Harm Reduction (for Eating Disorders)?
https://jeatdisord.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40337-020-00306-3/tables/1
A GREAT article on Refeeding and Refeeding Syndrome:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2440847/
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Posted 15 March 2022 - 04:42 PM
3/15/22
Well, I'm still here. I haven't been tracking or photographing my meals but I am trying to consciously stay in a deficit. I plan on tracking more very soon...I need to start honoring the fact that I am a snacker by nature and to pack some nutrient-dense, low-calorie options to have at work so I don't end up shoving handfuls of potato chips down my gullet when my blood sugar gets low. I'm not anti potato chip by any means, but I want them to be a treat I enjoy and not something I mindlessly snack on. I want to lose fat, but I am trying hard to accept that my body and mind as it is will not allow me the restriction it once did. This isn't so much me choosing recovery as it is trying to have a truce.
I got my nails done today...and that's about all I did. But I think they turned out rather cute! I've been feeling clowncore lately. It's this spring's vibe, lol. The mixture of pastel colors and darker themes intrigues me, and it's a style I intend to explore more as I go.
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Posted 16 March 2022 - 02:17 AM
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Posted 16 March 2022 - 08:01 AM
And I love the artsy clowning around face - it is so good to see that playful energy in your eyes! It brings me joy to know you are finding healing in your art again.
A truce is a good way of putting it. Ever since doing trauma therapy, I can really visualize and separate out certain parts of myself, one being the Ana Bitch as I like to call her and I have envisioned us in a peace treaty or ‘truce’ like you put it. That way we can cohabitate without me feeling so tortured all the time feeling like there is a war being waged in my head. Are you able to tease out the different parts of yourself or do you hear or see one voice/persona? I am always curious about what it is like for others. I used to believe that it was all me and so the anorexic thoughts I was having were my own thoughts but it helped me to separate them in order to reduce harm and keep myself alive (I can also go to the other extreme and dissociate when my PTSD is set off so it is a fine balance)
Is it getting warmer and sunnier there too? It is getting so much lighter here! I feel myself coming alive on my good days and I know there are more to come. You won’t even recognize me when I visit in August! Lol
Have you been taking many nature walks? Dipping your toes in the water? Did you paint your toes too?
Hope you have a great day my dear friend xo
“Everyone is going to die - it’s up to you what you do along the way”
Accountability : https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4287851-dum-spiro-spero-%E2%80%9Cwhile-i-breathe-i-hope%E2%80%9D/
Harm Reduction Saves Lives. Period.
MPA Harm Reduction Thread
https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4307737-harm-reduction-accountability-all-welcome/
What is Harm Reduction (for Eating Disorders)?
https://jeatdisord.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40337-020-00306-3/tables/1
A GREAT article on Refeeding and Refeeding Syndrome:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2440847/
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Posted 16 March 2022 - 06:55 PM
isabella ♥, on 16 Mar 2022 - 02:17 AM, said:
i love your nails! such pretty colours.
Thank you so much!! 
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Posted 16 March 2022 - 09:13 PM
Pax~Immorte, on 16 Mar 2022 - 08:01 AM, said:
I absolutely love the nails - they remind me of Easter eggs
And I love the artsy clowning around face - it is so good to see that playful energy in your eyes! It brings me joy to know you are finding healing in your art again.
A truce is a good way of putting it. Ever since doing trauma therapy, I can really visualize and separate out certain parts of myself, one being the Ana Bitch as I like to call her and I have envisioned us in a peace treaty or ‘truce’ like you put it. That way we can cohabitate without me feeling so tortured all the time feeling like there is a war being waged in my head. Are you able to tease out the different parts of yourself or do you hear or see one voice/persona? I am always curious about what it is like for others. I used to believe that it was all me and so the anorexic thoughts I was having were my own thoughts but it helped me to separate them in order to reduce harm and keep myself alive (I can also go to the other extreme and dissociate when my PTSD is set off so it is a fine balance)
Is it getting warmer and sunnier there too? It is getting so much lighter here! I feel myself coming alive on my good days and I know there are more to come. You won’t even recognize me when I visit in August! Lol
Have you been taking many nature walks? Dipping your toes in the water? Did you paint your toes too?
Hope you have a great day my dear friend xo
For me...BPD is so entwined with how I feel/think/perceive/communicate/process that it's next to impossible to differentiate between "me" and "it." There are times, however, when the duality becomes noticeable and startling...when I am having an episode I will often be in physical agony, contorting my body uncontrollably and howling into a pillow, hardly able to catch my breath. Twisting, writhing, clawing at my skin, tears dripping down to my chest, snot down my chin. And yet my mind might a well be rolling its eyes...like "really? This again? You know you're lying. This is pathetic. Just another pathetic attention-grab." So I hide these episodes and swallow them down because speaking about them (even here, like this) feeds that strangely calm inner critic that convinces me that everything I do is made up. That I don't have real trauma and that I'm only acting this way to put on a show. The dissonance of feeling pain so strong that I'm quite sure it will shatter me while my mind remains soft but cruel is....it's very weird. Those are the moments when I feel I really get to "meet" BPD.
I have been walking, but not as much as I need to...
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Posted 16 March 2022 - 09:37 PM
trying to have a truce with my body and forgiving it for not losing like i used to when i was younger = best thing i ever did for myself. hope it works out for you too
nails looking great and i love how you're able to capture expressions and moods with your photography!!
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Posted 16 March 2022 - 09:42 PM
Seal with a Meal, on 16 Mar 2022 - 9:37 PM, said:
trying to have a truce with my body and forgiving it for not losing like i used to when i was younger = best thing i ever did for myself. hope it works out for you too
nails looking great and i love how you're able to capture expressions and moods with your photography!!
Thank you so much, you're always so kind
I'm certainly trying. I'm not sure how to achieve it, but I'm trying.
I suppose there's no other choice if I want to live, and I do
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Posted 16 March 2022 - 11:23 PM
I hope you have sweet dreams tonight. I passed out early and came out of my Gravol coma to see what I missed from my MPA fam today after spending most of it in the loo! And I am happy to see that you responded to me. Thank you for trusting me with such a vulnerable moment and for the reminder that life is worth fighting for even when it the eye of the most hellish storm xo
“Everyone is going to die - it’s up to you what you do along the way”
Accountability : https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4287851-dum-spiro-spero-%E2%80%9Cwhile-i-breathe-i-hope%E2%80%9D/
Harm Reduction Saves Lives. Period.
MPA Harm Reduction Thread
https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4307737-harm-reduction-accountability-all-welcome/
What is Harm Reduction (for Eating Disorders)?
https://jeatdisord.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40337-020-00306-3/tables/1
A GREAT article on Refeeding and Refeeding Syndrome:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2440847/
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Posted 23 March 2022 - 07:53 PM
3/23/22
Breakfast: Skipped
Lunch: Veggie burger with fries, two cups of decaf coffee with half n half
Dinner: Homemade pho with bok choy, woodear mushrooms, baked tofu, and broccoli
Snack: Bodyarmor lyte watermelon flavor
Snack: Fiber one 70 calorie brownie
Total calories: 1,437
I might need another snack before I sleep tonight, but I really hope not. I am trying desperately to get under control and stay under 1,400 calories a day. That's a completely normal defecit...my brain truly drives me crazy sometimes. I probably just need to make sure I'm adding more vegetables and fiber to my diet.
Today was pretty okay, all things considered. I went on a walk but got too hot (it was sunny and muggy here today....almost 65 degrees!) so I stripped down to my skivvies and took a plunge in the lake. It was FREEZING...incredible. I then took my mom for lunch and we putzed around some antique stores for a while, I finally got my taxes done, and I set up a few plans regarding my psychiatric care. It was a fairly productive day. I'm very tired and feeling very sad indeed, but I am trying my best.
I'd like to say more but I'm not sure I'm capable just yet.
Here I am post-dip. It felt really amazing.
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#415
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Posted 23 March 2022 - 08:30 PM
along with all the other kind messages people send I don’t know how I would get through hellish moments. How are you making it through them? I am so glad you went for a swim! I’m joining you this summer I am determined!!I miss you so much and have been worried but not able to muster the energy to message. When I have had a few days of nutrition and proper pain meds I’ll message you again if that’s ok?
This gal needs her muse back in her life when she is healthy again.
Please let me know if there is anything I can do. I hope you didn’t think I left you my dear friend. I am just really struggling right now… I wish you were here and we could let the waters heal us together…
I hope you get some good sleep tonight - I am trying to rest before my tummy explodes! I wish they made klonopin suppositories lol.
Love and strength to you xo
“Everyone is going to die - it’s up to you what you do along the way”
Accountability : https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4287851-dum-spiro-spero-%E2%80%9Cwhile-i-breathe-i-hope%E2%80%9D/
Harm Reduction Saves Lives. Period.
MPA Harm Reduction Thread
https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4307737-harm-reduction-accountability-all-welcome/
What is Harm Reduction (for Eating Disorders)?
https://jeatdisord.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40337-020-00306-3/tables/1
A GREAT article on Refeeding and Refeeding Syndrome:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2440847/
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Posted 26 March 2022 - 06:59 PM
I care a lot about you and so do many others. Hold in there lovely
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Posted 08 April 2022 - 09:25 PM
4/8/22
The days are long. I don't have much to say.
Upon the advice of my therapist I intentionally triggered myself before making a call to be screened into an intensive outpatient DBT program. Only crisis cases get bumped up from the six month wait list...fortunately I was deemed insane enough to qualify. Woohoo. I don't know exactly what the next steps are, but it will be 10 hours of therapy per week for a duration of 12 to 18 months. It's a huge commitment and will make it impossible for me to consider moving out anytime soon...a problem that weight heavy on my heart as it is my only true goal currently.
It is what it is. I'm getting help. It's something.
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Posted 11 March 2022 - 08:58 AM
Choco_Bitch_612, on 11 Mar 2022 - 12:38 AM, said:
THIS. 100% THIS. people (mainly straight men) deny it but they only hate on gay ships/pairings with the excuse of "why can't they just be friends" meanwhile they wouldn't say the same thing about a straight pairing. especially in the anime community, you'll have 2 male characters that a lot of fans ship and straight male fans will cry "why can't they just be friends?!" meanwhile will 100% 2 opposite gender characters with the same dynamic and personalities in another show. they'll never admit to the heteronormativity tho and just act like everything is made to be gay which couldn't be more false.
It's extremely frustrating! I completely agree. What we should really be pushing for is more depictions of platonic friendship between men and women in media. Now that is rare...
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#402
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Posted 11 March 2022 - 09:05 AM
Seriously, you are brilliant and would be such an engaging teacher at a progressive liberal arts college. I could see you inspiring minds everywhere like you do with mine. I used to LOVE my gender studies classes back in my uni days and though my brain isn’t able to process higher level critical thought at the moment, when it returns (if it returns…) I would love to hear more about your thoughts and viewpoints. I could just eat up knowledge and be a a full time student forever… sigh…
I hope today is better for you and I wish the nights were easier. I think that is why my body just shuts right down after I eat at night - because it is so done with the thoughts and needs a break! I thought about messaging you last night but then my Klonopin kicked in and I was out like a light. But know you were and are always in my thoughts every day.
Do you have a plan for when you have another attack? Are the people at IP supportive and helpful? I hope that if you need more help that they treat you with the respect and dignity you deserve.
I haven’t watched MASH in eons! Maybe one day I will take a trip down memory lane and dredge up some oldies but goodies. I used to watch it on VHS when I was IP as a kid on bed rest! Brings back so many memories…
Love you my muse. Hope you have a fabulous Friday xo
“Everyone is going to die - it’s up to you what you do along the way”
Accountability : https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4287851-dum-spiro-spero-%E2%80%9Cwhile-i-breathe-i-hope%E2%80%9D/
Harm Reduction Saves Lives. Period.
MPA Harm Reduction Thread
https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4307737-harm-reduction-accountability-all-welcome/
What is Harm Reduction (for Eating Disorders)?
https://jeatdisord.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40337-020-00306-3/tables/1
A GREAT article on Refeeding and Refeeding Syndrome:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2440847/
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Posted 11 March 2022 - 10:09 PM
3/11/22
Breakfast: Coffee with soy milk, protein pancake, vegetarian sausages...I also had an apple
Snack: Decaf soy latte, fairlife protein drink
Lunch: "Chicken" salad sandwich and a salad
Snack: So much endless snacking I can't possibly write it all...
Dinner: Spring tabbouleh (extremely not traditional, lmao...I made it with quinoa, chickpeas, radish, tomato, green peas, cucumber, mint, parsely, lemon, olive oil, and some pitsachios & dried currents)
Total calories: lord only knows, I'm still hungry and might eat more
I don't have very much to say about today. My head hurts and I am intentionally numbing my emotions to the best of my ability. My plan tonight is to take some nyquil or hydroxizine to knock out. I couldn't even muster up the emotional energy to put on a movie..it felt like too much of a commitment, somehow. I feel like I'm wasting time. I don't get out enough, I don't read enough, I don't move enough, I don't socialize enough. Something's got to change.
Apologies for such negativity tonight. At least I can daydream about the lives of fictional characters like I always do. I put myself to sleep most nights thinking up little stories and scenarios for them...telepathic fanfiction, lol.
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#404
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Posted 11 March 2022 - 10:13 PM
Pax~Immorte, on 11 Mar 2022 - 09:05 AM, said:
Good morning future Gender Studies Prof!
Seriously, you are brilliant and would be such an engaging teacher at a progressive liberal arts college. I could see you inspiring minds everywhere like you do with mine. I used to LOVE my gender studies classes back in my uni days and though my brain isn’t able to process higher level critical thought at the moment, when it returns (if it returns…) I would love to hear more about your thoughts and viewpoints. I could just eat up knowledge and be a a full time student forever… sigh…
I hope today is better for you and I wish the nights were easier. I think that is why my body just shuts right down after I eat at night - because it is so done with the thoughts and needs a break! I thought about messaging you last night but then my Klonopin kicked in and I was out like a light. But know you were and are always in my thoughts every day.
Do you have a plan for when you have another attack? Are the people at IP supportive and helpful? I hope that if you need more help that they treat you with the respect and dignity you deserve.
I haven’t watched MASH in eons! Maybe one day I will take a trip down memory lane and dredge up some oldies but goodies. I used to watch it on VHS when I was IP as a kid on bed rest! Brings back so many memories…
Love you my muse. Hope you have a fabulous Friday xo
I do have a crisis plan, but I'll admit that it's only somewhat helpful for me at this point. Medication is proving far more helpful but I have intense fears of my tolerance going up if I overuse it...not fear of addiction, as I have absolutely no interest in abusing a medication that is necessary for my wellbeing (if I want to get high I'll buy other drugs, lol!) but because I don't want to be in a situation where the prescribed amount doesn't do the trick anymore and I run out before my next prescription comes in. Already I have noticed that I need 0.75-1 mg for a panic attack instead of 0.5 mg, and it really disturbs me. I have been trying my best to take klonopin-free days a few times a week if I can manage it, but the half life is so long that I don't really know if it makes any difference. I don't know!
Perhaps I'll watch a couple episodes of M*A*S*H tonight since my attention span is quite short at the moment. It will probably help me feel better!
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Posted 12 March 2022 - 09:18 AM
Gosh I wish I had you at my side yesterday… it has been a rocky few days and I am eager for next week. It is lonely not having anyone here in person who understands though I certainly have a lot of support which is good.
Do you ever write down your bedtime stories? I bet you are an incredible writer! I would love to read them
How was your night? I use a combo of gravol and klonopin for the same reason - my tolerance to benzos is ridiculously high and yet gravol knocks the shit out of me! No joke, more than fentanyl which is wild. It puts me right to sleep, especially the suppository ones. Plus they settle my tummy which is a nice perk!
What are you plans for the weekend? Are you working? Your food always looks so yummy. By the time I get there I will hopefully be on solid food again and we can cook together!
There is a program in Seattle I am interested in - one of the Emily Program’s facilities. If they would be willing to work with my opiate meds and complex medical needs, I am considering going back into treatment to see if I can give myself another chance. I feel like I need a lot of therapeutic support this time around. Plus it is close to my family and we don’t have centres like that in Canada. The government has paid for me to access US treatment before so I am looking into it. Regardless though, I am going to that concert!
Chat with you a bit later I hope xo
“Everyone is going to die - it’s up to you what you do along the way”
Accountability : https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4287851-dum-spiro-spero-%E2%80%9Cwhile-i-breathe-i-hope%E2%80%9D/
Harm Reduction Saves Lives. Period.
MPA Harm Reduction Thread
https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4307737-harm-reduction-accountability-all-welcome/
What is Harm Reduction (for Eating Disorders)?
https://jeatdisord.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40337-020-00306-3/tables/1
A GREAT article on Refeeding and Refeeding Syndrome:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2440847/
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Posted 15 March 2022 - 04:42 PM
3/15/22
Well, I'm still here. I haven't been tracking or photographing my meals but I am trying to consciously stay in a deficit. I plan on tracking more very soon...I need to start honoring the fact that I am a snacker by nature and to pack some nutrient-dense, low-calorie options to have at work so I don't end up shoving handfuls of potato chips down my gullet when my blood sugar gets low. I'm not anti potato chip by any means, but I want them to be a treat I enjoy and not something I mindlessly snack on. I want to lose fat, but I am trying hard to accept that my body and mind as it is will not allow me the restriction it once did. This isn't so much me choosing recovery as it is trying to have a truce.
I got my nails done today...and that's about all I did. But I think they turned out rather cute! I've been feeling clowncore lately. It's this spring's vibe, lol. The mixture of pastel colors and darker themes intrigues me, and it's a style I intend to explore more as I go.
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Posted 16 March 2022 - 02:17 AM
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Posted 16 March 2022 - 08:01 AM
And I love the artsy clowning around face - it is so good to see that playful energy in your eyes! It brings me joy to know you are finding healing in your art again.
A truce is a good way of putting it. Ever since doing trauma therapy, I can really visualize and separate out certain parts of myself, one being the Ana Bitch as I like to call her and I have envisioned us in a peace treaty or ‘truce’ like you put it. That way we can cohabitate without me feeling so tortured all the time feeling like there is a war being waged in my head. Are you able to tease out the different parts of yourself or do you hear or see one voice/persona? I am always curious about what it is like for others. I used to believe that it was all me and so the anorexic thoughts I was having were my own thoughts but it helped me to separate them in order to reduce harm and keep myself alive (I can also go to the other extreme and dissociate when my PTSD is set off so it is a fine balance)
Is it getting warmer and sunnier there too? It is getting so much lighter here! I feel myself coming alive on my good days and I know there are more to come. You won’t even recognize me when I visit in August! Lol
Have you been taking many nature walks? Dipping your toes in the water? Did you paint your toes too?
Hope you have a great day my dear friend xo
“Everyone is going to die - it’s up to you what you do along the way”
Accountability : https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4287851-dum-spiro-spero-%E2%80%9Cwhile-i-breathe-i-hope%E2%80%9D/
Harm Reduction Saves Lives. Period.
MPA Harm Reduction Thread
https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4307737-harm-reduction-accountability-all-welcome/
What is Harm Reduction (for Eating Disorders)?
https://jeatdisord.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40337-020-00306-3/tables/1
A GREAT article on Refeeding and Refeeding Syndrome:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2440847/
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Posted 16 March 2022 - 06:55 PM
isabella ♥, on 16 Mar 2022 - 02:17 AM, said:
i love your nails! such pretty colours.
Thank you so much!!
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Posted 16 March 2022 - 09:13 PM
Pax~Immorte, on 16 Mar 2022 - 08:01 AM, said:
I absolutely love the nails - they remind me of Easter eggs
And I love the artsy clowning around face - it is so good to see that playful energy in your eyes! It brings me joy to know you are finding healing in your art again.
A truce is a good way of putting it. Ever since doing trauma therapy, I can really visualize and separate out certain parts of myself, one being the Ana Bitch as I like to call her and I have envisioned us in a peace treaty or ‘truce’ like you put it. That way we can cohabitate without me feeling so tortured all the time feeling like there is a war being waged in my head. Are you able to tease out the different parts of yourself or do you hear or see one voice/persona? I am always curious about what it is like for others. I used to believe that it was all me and so the anorexic thoughts I was having were my own thoughts but it helped me to separate them in order to reduce harm and keep myself alive (I can also go to the other extreme and dissociate when my PTSD is set off so it is a fine balance)
Is it getting warmer and sunnier there too? It is getting so much lighter here! I feel myself coming alive on my good days and I know there are more to come. You won’t even recognize me when I visit in August! Lol
Have you been taking many nature walks? Dipping your toes in the water? Did you paint your toes too?
Hope you have a great day my dear friend xo
For me...BPD is so entwined with how I feel/think/perceive/communicate/process that it's next to impossible to differentiate between "me" and "it." There are times, however, when the duality becomes noticeable and startling...when I am having an episode I will often be in physical agony, contorting my body uncontrollably and howling into a pillow, hardly able to catch my breath. Twisting, writhing, clawing at my skin, tears dripping down to my chest, snot down my chin. And yet my mind might a well be rolling its eyes...like "really? This again? You know you're lying. This is pathetic. Just another pathetic attention-grab." So I hide these episodes and swallow them down because speaking about them (even here, like this) feeds that strangely calm inner critic that convinces me that everything I do is made up. That I don't have real trauma and that I'm only acting this way to put on a show. The dissonance of feeling pain so strong that I'm quite sure it will shatter me while my mind remains soft but cruel is....it's very weird. Those are the moments when I feel I really get to "meet" BPD.
I have been walking, but not as much as I need to...
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Posted 16 March 2022 - 09:37 PM
trying to have a truce with my body and forgiving it for not losing like i used to when i was younger = best thing i ever did for myself. hope it works out for you too
nails looking great and i love how you're able to capture expressions and moods with your photography!!
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Posted 16 March 2022 - 09:42 PM
Seal with a Meal, on 16 Mar 2022 - 9:37 PM, said:
trying to have a truce with my body and forgiving it for not losing like i used to when i was younger = best thing i ever did for myself. hope it works out for you too
nails looking great and i love how you're able to capture expressions and moods with your photography!!
Thank you so much, you're always so kind
I'm certainly trying. I'm not sure how to achieve it, but I'm trying.
I suppose there's no other choice if I want to live, and I do
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Posted 16 March 2022 - 11:23 PM
I hope you have sweet dreams tonight. I passed out early and came out of my Gravol coma to see what I missed from my MPA fam today after spending most of it in the loo! And I am happy to see that you responded to me. Thank you for trusting me with such a vulnerable moment and for the reminder that life is worth fighting for even when it the eye of the most hellish storm xo
“Everyone is going to die - it’s up to you what you do along the way”
Accountability : https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4287851-dum-spiro-spero-%E2%80%9Cwhile-i-breathe-i-hope%E2%80%9D/
Harm Reduction Saves Lives. Period.
MPA Harm Reduction Thread
https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4307737-harm-reduction-accountability-all-welcome/
What is Harm Reduction (for Eating Disorders)?
https://jeatdisord.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40337-020-00306-3/tables/1
A GREAT article on Refeeding and Refeeding Syndrome:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2440847/
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Posted 23 March 2022 - 07:53 PM
3/23/22
Breakfast: Skipped
Lunch: Veggie burger with fries, two cups of decaf coffee with half n half
Dinner: Homemade pho with bok choy, woodear mushrooms, baked tofu, and broccoli
Snack: Bodyarmor lyte watermelon flavor
Snack: Fiber one 70 calorie brownie
Total calories: 1,437
I might need another snack before I sleep tonight, but I really hope not. I am trying desperately to get under control and stay under 1,400 calories a day. That's a completely normal defecit...my brain truly drives me crazy sometimes. I probably just need to make sure I'm adding more vegetables and fiber to my diet.
Today was pretty okay, all things considered. I went on a walk but got too hot (it was sunny and muggy here today....almost 65 degrees!) so I stripped down to my skivvies and took a plunge in the lake. It was FREEZING...incredible. I then took my mom for lunch and we putzed around some antique stores for a while, I finally got my taxes done, and I set up a few plans regarding my psychiatric care. It was a fairly productive day. I'm very tired and feeling very sad indeed, but I am trying my best.
I'd like to say more but I'm not sure I'm capable just yet.
Here I am post-dip. It felt really amazing.
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Posted 23 March 2022 - 08:30 PM
along with all the other kind messages people send I don’t know how I would get through hellish moments. How are you making it through them? I am so glad you went for a swim! I’m joining you this summer I am determined!!I miss you so much and have been worried but not able to muster the energy to message. When I have had a few days of nutrition and proper pain meds I’ll message you again if that’s ok?
This gal needs her muse back in her life when she is healthy again.
Please let me know if there is anything I can do. I hope you didn’t think I left you my dear friend. I am just really struggling right now… I wish you were here and we could let the waters heal us together…
I hope you get some good sleep tonight - I am trying to rest before my tummy explodes! I wish they made klonopin suppositories lol.
Love and strength to you xo
“Everyone is going to die - it’s up to you what you do along the way”
Accountability : https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4287851-dum-spiro-spero-%E2%80%9Cwhile-i-breathe-i-hope%E2%80%9D/
Harm Reduction Saves Lives. Period.
MPA Harm Reduction Thread
https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4307737-harm-reduction-accountability-all-welcome/
What is Harm Reduction (for Eating Disorders)?
https://jeatdisord.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40337-020-00306-3/tables/1
A GREAT article on Refeeding and Refeeding Syndrome:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2440847/
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Posted 26 March 2022 - 06:59 PM
I care a lot about you and so do many others. Hold in there lovely
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Posted 08 April 2022 - 09:25 PM
4/8/22
The days are long. I don't have much to say.
Upon the advice of my therapist I intentionally triggered myself before making a call to be screened into an intensive outpatient DBT program. Only crisis cases get bumped up from the six month wait list...fortunately I was deemed insane enough to qualify. Woohoo. I don't know exactly what the next steps are, but it will be 10 hours of therapy per week for a duration of 12 to 18 months. It's a huge commitment and will make it impossible for me to consider moving out anytime soon...a problem that weight heavy on my heart as it is my only true goal currently.
It is what it is. I'm getting help. It's something.
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Posted 08 May 2022 - 10:11 PM
Idk, I love candids more than anything. And by "love" I mean I fucking despise them because I get a good look at how hideous I am irl. But hey! They show progress nonetheless, so I tried to gather a few. I have very few candids of my higher weight because I avoided pictures at all costs, but here is my small collection:
your eyes do not deceive you, I am indeed wearing a fake mustache
Gross!!!!!!! But hey! A change is a change
also why tf do I look skinnier in that first "after" photo when I was a solid 10 lbs heavier back then
somehow all my fat moved up to my cheeks
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Posted 08 May 2022 - 10:17 PM
BMI: chonk
SW: 145/66 | CW:~136/62 | UGW: 96/44
✨️ It's not imposter syndrome if I really am a big fat fraud ✨️
If found where I don't belong please roll me towards the nearest dumpster thank you bye
Is being too hard on yourself driving you to binge?
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Posted 09 May 2022 - 07:22 AM
HealthyThinTTC, on 09 May 2022 - 01:06 AM, said:
Great job! That short haircut on you in the blue jacket actually looks really good on you and that's the kind of hair cut that only looks good on underweight people or normal people with thinner faces.
Thank you!! That was a few years ago, so I'm not sure if I'd still be able to rock shorter hair. I've been considering it...maybe after another ten lbs 🤔
I know a keyhole gap in leggings means zilch but liiiiisten
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Posted 04 May 2022 - 08:26 PM
I have never had even the tiniest iota of a thigh gap. Nothing. Zero. Not even the pretense of one. Not even in the tightest of leggings.
And when I'm down to my skivvies, there is still no gap. My thighs squish fully together without even a hint of gap. But!!! The fact that I am able to achieve the tiniest keyhole in a pair of leggings for the first time ever gives me hope that I may be able to someday achieve such a thing?! I thought it was just the way I am built (and perhaps that remains true and I'll only have a gap when my legs are vacuum sealed in spandex)...but idk. I'm celebrating this stupid thing.
Feet together:
Feet together but reverse it:
Doing the "I'm lying" pose:
For reference, here is what my legs look like normally:
Tilted forward a wee bit:
pLeAsE lOrD
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Posted 04 May 2022 - 08:35 PM
unrelated but i love your bedroom and tattoos! i have the same thing though and then eventually i got a tiny little sliver of another gap. so there’s the gap at the top, then my thighs touch, another gap, then the bottoms of my thighs/my knees touch. i want a “normal” gap and for my knees not to touch when i’m standing but i think i’ll have to be pretty underweight for that to be the case :/
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Posted 04 May 2022 - 08:42 PM
madbunny, on 04 May 2022 - 8:35 PM, said:
unrelated but i love your bedroom and tattoos! i have the same thing though and then eventually i got a tiny little sliver of another gap. so there’s the gap at the top, then my thighs touch, another gap, then the bottoms of my thighs/my knees touch. i want a “normal” gap and for my knees not to touch when i’m standing but i think i’ll have to be pretty underweight for that to be the case :/
I am the most knock-kneed little bitch on the planet so I RELATE
My bone structure def isn't doing me any favors as far as gappage goes and it's probably just a pipe dream but........................
thank you so much! I try to decorate my room like an edwardian-era 4 year old dying of consumption
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Posted 04 May 2022 - 08:43 PM
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Height: 5'55
HW:200
SW:166
CW: was in the 120s then gained this past semester to the 130s/140s. Ugh man
UGW: 90
Maintenance Goal: Staying in the range of the 40kgs (90-105ish lbs). BMI 16 probs the sweet spot.
2021 Accountability: https://www.myproana.../#entry75235121
2020-2021 Older Accountability: https://www.myproana...tarving-artist/
Gave up recovery and the idea of recovering.
I'm not so naiive as to believe that reaching my UGW would be ultimate happiness,
but it is so much easier to be sad and underweight than it is to be fat and depressed.
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Posted 04 May 2022 - 08:44 PM
Anamia., on 04 May 2022 - 8:43 PM, said:
I actually call this a pussy gap but it’s a precursor to a thigh gap so u should feel proud!!
Envoyé de mon iPhone en utilisant Tapatalk
lmfao oh my god
cunt gap
c'gap
c'ap
pussy gap
p'gap
p'ap
i'm obsessed
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Posted 05 May 2022 - 12:43 AM
WOOO CONGRATS
I have a youtube channel too!
subscribe if ya want
(going to upload videos soon!.. more ed content and random shit)
https://www.youtube....w_as=subscriber
"Heis,
You are you,
Perfection and goals,
How I long to see you be whole" - S'mores
This is not groundbreaking but I have perfected my breakfast
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Posted 23 April 2022 - 09:57 AM
As if I'm the only one to discover this lmfao
Anyway I imagine any shake would do so long as it has some fat in it. Or eat a teaspoon of peanut butter or something if not... I've tried the same breakfast with premiere protein shakes and I'm ravenous again within an hour or two.
Anyway, just thought I'd ramble about that for a second
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Posted 23 April 2022 - 11:27 AM
I've perfected my breakfast twice, but the one I do now isProtein pancake (53g) - 190 kcal
One egg - 70 kcal
Half a bell pepper - 20ish kcal(if that I always round up)
5 slices cucumber - 10ish kcal
And then I have it with coffee and maybe 50 kcal of milk, so 340 kcal at most. It keeps me full for most of the day (and I have a very active job on my feet).
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Finally found my old HW pictures...
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Posted 18 December 2021 - 07:28 PM
Each "before" is me at 220 lbs, and the "after" is me from today (135 lbs)
(I wasn't even sure how to recreate this one as it was taken by accident in the first place lol...I tried? I swear I wasn't trying to tense my neck to skinny-fi I just couldn't figure out wtf to do with my phone camera from that angle lmao)
that loose skin tho
kinda sad how similar I look in all these pics given how much weight I've lost but wygd, it's partially due to how loose my skin is now
You'd think I lost maybe 50 lbs just to look at me, not nearly 90 lmfaaaooooo
still interesting to look at!
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Posted 18 December 2021 - 07:39 PM
aaaand some comparing me from 180 lbs to now:
loose skin galore! and a high body fat%!! huzzah
the pink underwear ones were taken a little while ago...I'm lazy I'm sorry ;o;
amazing how my thighs have lost maybe .00005 millimeters
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Posted 18 December 2021 - 10:26 PM
ap0calypseArisen, on 18 Dec 2021 - 9:51 PM, said:
you look amazing ! do you mind if i ask how much time is between these pics ?
Thank you so much ;0;
And not a problem! I love to infodump. So there is a 5 year difference between the pictures above, but I lost the majority of the weight between mid February of 2016 to May of 2016. I lost my first 30 lbs in about a month and a half...two months (?) as I was eating next to nothing (I should have lost faster being that heavy though, idk), and the rest of my weight I lost more slowly. Overall I lost a not particularly impressive 80 ish lbs over the course of ~10 months.
For example, here's a photo of me in February of 2016:
(sorry I don't have a full body pic, but the one pictured above of my belly at its largest was also taken in February)
And then a couple of me in March of 2016:
One of me in May of 2016:
And finally a couple of me in December of 2016 (pretend skinny leg hack always):
I have pretty much maintained that weight until the present day, which is depressing as fuck. I restrict for a few weeks and then eat normally for a month or two, restrict heavily, high restrict, blah blah blah. My mental health declined so rapidly these past few years that I just didn't have the motivation to lose weight. But I'm back on my BS! In fact, my mental health has gotten so bad that I've funneled all my attention towards restriction, calorie counting, and obsessive body checking to ward off the other things trying to crush me. So that's fun.
Sorry if that was all waaaaaaaay TMI, I tend to overshare like a motherfucker
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Posted 19 December 2021 - 12:18 AM
I saw you say you look similar- you absolutely look very very very different! Although I would imagine you're a bit smaller under the loose skin.
By the way I love how visually interesting your hair and body mods are! I love seeing people in their 20's just visually look the way they want (I'm 23 and just starting to get interested in alternative/subculture styles since they weren't around in HS really but I don't see friends my age doing so)
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Posted 19 December 2021 - 12:30 AM
Seal with a Meal, on 19 Dec 2021 - 12:18 AM, said:
I saw you say you look similar- you absolutely look very very very different! Although I would imagine you're a bit smaller under the loose skin.
By the way I love how visually interesting your hair and body mods are! I love seeing people in their 20's just visually look the way they want (I'm 23 and just starting to get interested in alternative/subculture styles since they weren't around in HS really but I don't see friends my age doing so)
Thank you so much!!! What a lovely thing to say. I have a lot of pinchable fat still so it's certainly not just loose skin, but the way my tummy wrinkles when I lay on my side indicates that I'll be pretty floppy once I lose the rest of my weight. Oh well.
I really would like more tattoos, but my finances are a bit....er...I'm putting that on the backburner for now. Body mods have done more for my confidence than just about anything else, tbh. If you have any interest in piercings/tattoos, I can't recommend them enough! It's such an uplifting experience, imo. And talk about a rush of endorphins.
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Posted 19 December 2021 - 12:42 AM
Blighty, on 19 Dec 2021 - 12:30 AM, said:
Thank you so much!!! What a lovely thing to say. I have a lot of pinchable fat still so it's certainly not just loose skin, but the way my tummy wrinkles when I lay on my side indicates that I'll be pretty floppy once I lose the rest of my weight. Oh well.
I really would like more tattoos, but my finances are a bit....er...I'm putting that on the backburner for now. Body mods have done more for my confidence than just about anything else, tbh. If you have any interest in piercings/tattoos, I can't recommend them enough! It's such an uplifting experience, imo. And talk about a rush of endorphins.
body obsessing is the worst feeling :/ hope you have some better days
had my navel previously (infected and had to let it go, too much scar tissue to do it again), but i really felt like i loved my stomach a lot more so i get what you're saying!
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Posted 19 December 2021 - 06:31 AM
you look so different between!!! not similar at all
also is that Bum in your pfp?? I just finished KS last night after picking it up and dropping it years ago sksksks omfg
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Posted 19 December 2021 - 08:32 AM
fαye, on 19 Dec 2021 - 06:31 AM, said:
you look so different between!!! not similar at all
also is that Bum in your pfp?? I just finished KS last night after picking it up and dropping it years ago sksksks omfg
I can see some difference, but it seems like my body composition is shockingly similar for the amount of weight I've lost. Par for the course for not exercising 😬
It certainly is!!! Bum is my sweet son
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Posted 20 December 2021 - 09:16 PM
xxX emm Xxx, on 20 Dec 2021 - 9:13 PM, said:
you look like a totally different person, and also a lot younger. you look stunning! also, you look like such a cool person
Oh my goodness, thank you!! I wish I could see it better. I know realistically there must be a difference. The only time I can see the drastic change is watching old videos of myself...the sluggish way I moved, how it looked almost painful for me to move my body around. I suppose that's one thing that obese folks and very underweight folks have in common!
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Posted 21 December 2021 - 03:16 AM
Wow, what a huge difference! You should be proud of yourself, dude (well, I mean, having an ED probably isn't something to feel proud about, but you know what I mean). Losing nearly 100 pounds is hard as hell!
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Posted 21 December 2021 - 11:00 AM
pastafreak, on 21 Dec 2021 - 03:16 AM, said:
Tbh it barely feels like I've accomplished anything, but thank you so much. It's so lovely to get positive feedback even with the whole ED malarkey. I know logically it's tough to lose 80 lbs, but I'm still hung up on why I've been maintaining for like four years instead of losing more. What's up with that lmaoWow, what a huge difference! You should be proud of yourself, dude (well, I mean, having an ED probably isn't something to feel proud about, but you know what I mean). Losing nearly 100 pounds is hard as hell!
But with my angst aside, it really does make me feel better to have it validated that there is actually a change
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Posted 23 December 2021 - 09:53 PM
This pic was not taken at my highest weight, but it's the only pic I could find of my legs around that point
tbf I'm doing the pretend skinny leg thing ^ so here's a better representation of my legs now
with my feet together my thighs have zero gap and are entirely squished lol
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Posted 28 December 2021 - 09:20 PM
LMAO okay this one is a treat. I have no idea wtf I was doing, I have no memory of taking this picture. I guess I was going for sexy? I am not trying to put myself down for being fat because I know there's nothing wrong or ugly about being fat but let's be real here I look terrible. I just have a bad face in general
Obviously I don't have that red dress anymore since I'd be swimming in it, but I tried to find an equally form fitting one
anyway I'm cracking up, both of these photos are so cringe. Enjoy, and know I am trusting you all with this highly embarrassing content
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Posted 28 December 2021 - 09:34 PM
I feel you on the high body fat percentage thing.
But yeah. Also sucks that you lost weight via an ED. That sucks and I hate that that's how you got sucked in.
Also, I love candid photos. It makes us more human. And I like those more than filtered edited ones
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Posted 28 December 2021 - 09:39 PM
Milianna, on 28 Dec 2021 - 9:34 PM, said:
Honestly, it's quite a transformation that you've made.
I feel you on the high body fat percentage thing.
But yeah. Also sucks that you lost weight via an ED. That sucks and I hate that that's how you got sucked in.
Also, I love candid photos. It makes us more human. And I like those more than filtered edited ones
Agreed! Most of the images of me at my HW were candid because no way was I taking pics of myself (except when I was trying to look hot or something??? I don't recall having anyone to send those to lmao)
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Posted 28 December 2021 - 09:52 PM
Blighty, on 28 Dec 2021 - 9:39 PM, said:
Agreed! Most of the images of me at my HW were candid because no way was I taking pics of myself (except when I was trying to look hot or something??? I don't recall having anyone to send those to lmao)
Also I love your yoon bum pfp. I've read the whole webtoon
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Posted 31 December 2021 - 12:27 PM
Satori666, on 31 Dec 2021 - 11:46 AM, said:
Your tattoos up by you’re collar bones, are some of the coolest I’ve seen!
😱 thank you!!!
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Posted 01 January 2022 - 11:04 PM
BrittleBonesNicky, on 01 Jan 2022 - 7:00 PM, said:
Your transformation is truly amazing. I'm so inspired right now, i want to make this year my transformation year.
My goodness, thank you! I still have a solid 20 lbs to lose, so I really don't see it as much as I suppose I should, but I know logically that 85 lbs means something. I'd be impressed if it was someone else!
I wish you luck on your journey, wherever it takes you, and hope that you are gentle on your beautiful body and treat it with as much care as you are able. Hypocritical words coming from me but I'd never wish suffering on anyone, ever.
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Posted 02 January 2022 - 02:24 PM
Blighty, on 01 Jan 2022 - 11:04 PM, said:
I lost a bunch of weight once and just couldn't see it until one day I saw an old picture of myself and compared it to a more recent one at the time. It's hard when it's yourself and you live in that body every day, but the difference is there.My goodness, thank you! I still have a solid 20 lbs to lose, so I really don't see it as much as I suppose I should, but I know logically that 85 lbs means something. I'd be impressed if it was someone else!
I wish you luck on your journey, wherever it takes you, and hope that you are gentle on your beautiful body and treat it with as much care as you are able. Hypocritical words coming from me but I'd never wish suffering on anyone, ever.
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.
I might just be missing it, but what's your height if you don't mind my asking.
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Posted 02 January 2022 - 02:52 PM
BrittleBonesNicky, on 02 Jan 2022 - 2:24 PM, said:
I really am only able to see it when I look at old pictures. It's sort of dissociative, though...I can hardly recognize them as myself.I lost a bunch of weight once and just couldn't see it until one day I saw an old picture of myself and compared it to a more recent one at the time. It's hard when it's yourself and you live in that body every day, but the difference is there.
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.
I might just be missing it, but what's your height if you don't mind my asking.
And I'm 5'5" (165 cm)!
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Posted 05 January 2022 - 09:06 PM
Lmao okay this one is just silly, and not from my HW. I probably weigh 160 or so in the first and 130 in the second. My random ass poses and trying to recreate them is so fucking hilarious.
wud u like some invisible pie crust?
lmfao
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Posted 07 January 2022 - 06:54 AM
Bvrry, on 07 Jan 2022 - 05:34 AM, said:
You look amazing honestly. Well done. I don't even think you need to lose more tbh.
Oh lord if you saw me nekkid 😂 I still do have excess fat around my middle that needs attention, at least. I have enough to grab (not pinch!) with both hands...
My own thoughts aside, thank you for your encouragement! And I appreciate the compliment 🥺 I woke up in a shit mood so this was such a nice thing to see before I started grumping all over the place. You really brightened my morning 💕
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Posted 10 January 2022 - 07:01 PM
koshka, on 10 Jan 2022 - 6:59 PM, said:
dude not to sound creepy but as someone who lost a similar amnt of weight, it's insane that your boobs held up so well. good on you.
Ohhh bruh they are saggy as HELL lmao
But I don't mind that too much! I'm glad they're smaller now
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Posted 10 January 2022 - 07:22 PM
Blighty, on 28 Dec 2021 - 9:20 PM, said:
LMAO okay this one is a treat. I have no idea wtf I was doing, I have no memory of taking this picture. I guess I was going for sexy? I am not trying to put myself down for being fat because I know there's nothing wrong or ugly about being fat but let's be real here I look terrible. I just have a bad face in general
Obviously I don't have that red dress anymore since I'd be swimming in it, but I tried to find an equally form fitting one
anyway I'm cracking up, both of these photos are so cringe. Enjoy, and know I am trusting you all with this highly embarrassing content
Tbh, I think you were always beautiful. I have to ask you, how did you even go about making such a transformation? It's such a large transformation, it meant that you kept going. I have personally cycled a lot in my weightloss journey.
For example, I literally hate everything I see in the mirror, I am disordered, I hate how my body looks and I often feel stuck. How did you overcome that stuck in your body feeling a lot of larger people deal with? Its so hard to imagine myself as anything else other than this, and I hate what 'this' is? I dont know if that makes any sense or I am just projecting.
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Posted 10 January 2022 - 08:17 PM
Serene waters, on 10 Jan 2022 - 7:22 PM, said:
Tbh, I think you were always beautiful. I have to ask you, how did you even go about making such a transformation? It's such a large transformation, it meant that you kept going. I have personally cycled a lot in my weightloss journey.
For example, I literally hate everything I see in the mirror, I am disordered, I hate how my body looks and I often feel stuck. How did you overcome that stuck in your body feeling a lot of larger people deal with? Its so hard to imagine myself as anything else other than this, and I hate what 'this' is? I dont know if that makes any sense or I am just projecting.
Well first of all, thank you so much for such kind words. I have never seen anything but an ogre in the mirror, and the sad truth is that my self esteem might very well be worse now than it was then. I hope that isn't too discouraging for me to say!
I have yo-yoed in weight a bit over the years, although fortunately + or - 15-20 lbs or so and not more than that. I would never recommend anyone do as I did...I lost my first 85 lbs very quickly by eating next to nothing (kimchi wrapped in lettuce, pickles, broth, tea, 80 calorie yogurts) for months and months on end. I was weak, shaky, listless, and constipated. I couldn't focus and I got sick easily. I pretty much survived on diet coke...I have no idea how I survived college, really, or work....
Currently I am trying very hard to eat no lower than 900 calories and no more than 1400 in order to lose the last ten or so pounds that I'd like to (for now, I imagine my goal weight shall continue to lower as it always has...)
I'm rambling a bit, but it's just sort of...ah, well. When I was 220 lbs I couldn't even fathom being 160 lbs, much less 140...reaching that weight seemed like a fantasy. I will say that because I dropped the weight so quickly I did get to experience the spike in my social privilege much more suddenly than someone who lost weight at a lower pace might. It was truly jarring. Suddenly I was getting random compliments on my outfits (my style hadn't changed a tick, mind you!), folks were opening doors for me, fretting over me if I looked under the weather, inviting me to outings. I was both delighted and viciously angry that I had been treated so poorly without even truly understanding it. I had of course been fatshamed by relatives and told to lose weight by doctors, but so much of that privilege is hidden until you live it. This isn't me complaining, it's just...it's a very strange and complicated experience to go through.
I wish I could say I felt good in the body I inhabit now, and in some ways I do, but before my hatred was directed more towards my stomach and thighs and these days I direct it more towards my face. I can hardly stand to look at it. And I do often feel "stuck" in my larger body like...well, for example, I follow a few weight-loss vlog channels on youtube who I view as being more or less a similar weight/shape to myself....only they are nearly 100 lbs heavier than I am. And these are gorgeous, smokin' people! It isn't even to put myself or them down, it just shows how much my mindset hasn't shifted yet.
My advice to you is probably tired and cliche, but I really can't overstate it enough...be gentle with your body. Don't punish it for trying to keep you alive. Mine has done its best and so has yours. It's so discouraging to loathe oneself but it really isn't just something smaller people say to console bigger people....it's true. If you hate yourself now, you'll hate yourself 60 lbs down. 70 lbs down. 80 lbs down. It's so much easier said than done but the best thing you can possibly do is try your hardest to make peace with those little parts of yourself as you follow your journey. For me it started with...I like my teeth. I have nice teeth. I stopped biting my nails, so now I like my nails. Okay, my collarbones aren't so bad...my eyes are an okay color. That sort of thing. You won't magically love yourself overnight but find those things you love about your body and cling to it.
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Posted 12 January 2022 - 08:33 AM
Phosphene, on 12 Jan 2022 - 05:02 AM, said:
Wow you’ve made so much progress!! <3 can I just ask how tall you are and what your sw and cw are??
Certainly! I am 5'5" (165 cm), and my SW was 220 lbs (99.7 kg) and my CW is 130 lbs (58.9 kg)
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Posted 17 January 2022 - 04:16 PM
Blighty, on 12 Jan 2022 - 08:33 AM, said:
Certainly! I am 5'5" (165 cm), and my SW was 220 lbs (99.7 kg) and my CW is 130 lbs (58.9 kg)
Can I ask a question? We have similar stats do you have any loose skin at all? I’m really scared I am going to get some 😭😭 I know it’s better than being where I started but it’s a big fear
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Posted 17 January 2022 - 05:23 PM
Phosphene, on 17 Jan 2022 - 4:16 PM, said:
Can I ask a question? We have similar stats do you have any loose skin at all? I’m really scared I am going to get some 😭😭 I know it’s better than being where I started but it’s a big fear
Hmm, it's a little hard to describe...I still have a high enough body fat % that it's hard to tell how loose my skin will be as it is still relatively "full." I'd judge by my frown of a bellybutton except that it has frowned long before I lost weight...my breasts do sag more than they used to be then again, they were always on the saggy side!! So far I don't have any loose skin in the sense of it being crepe-y or "flap" like, but my skin elasticity isn't great, especially around my tummy area. I would say that overall, my skin isn't particularly loose, I'm just still on the flabby side.
Either way, fear not! With all ED mindset things aside, I have greater mobility and stamina with the weight off. I can't say I feel healthy or vibrant as I'm still restricting, but there were benefits (for me) to having lost weight. Everyone is different, though!
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Posted 17 January 2022 - 06:55 PM
Blighty, on 17 Jan 2022 - 5:23 PM, said:
Hmm, it's a little hard to describe...I still have a high enough body fat % that it's hard to tell how loose my skin will be as it is still relatively "full." I'd judge by my frown of a bellybutton except that it has frowned long before I lost weight...my breasts do sag more than they used to be then again, they were always on the saggy side!! So far I don't have any loose skin in the sense of it being crepe-y or "flap" like, but my skin elasticity isn't great, especially around my tummy area. I would say that overall, my skin isn't particularly loose, I'm just still on the flabby side.
Either way, fear not! With all ED mindset things aside, I have greater mobility and stamina with the weight off. I can't say I feel healthy or vibrant as I'm still restricting, but there were benefits (for me) to having lost weight. Everyone is different, though!
Okay thank you!! How long did it take you to get so small tho?
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Posted 17 January 2022 - 10:16 PM
Phosphene, on 17 Jan 2022 - 6:55 PM, said:
I certainly wouldn't call myself small!Okay thank you!! How long did it take you to get so small tho?
I lost about 65 lbs in roughly 5 months, give or take. The next 25 lbs I lost in about a month.
I did this by drinking diet coke, eating kimchi wrapped in lettuce, single potatoes, 80 calorie yogurts, and plain broth. I would absolutely not recommend doing any of these things.
Even at a higher BMI you can land yourself in the hospital. I almost did on several occasions.
The most recent 10 pound loss took place over the course of about a year, so extremely gradually. I'm looking to lose at least ten more...baby steps.
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Posted 22 January 2022 - 04:27 AM
Blighty, on 17 Jan 2022 - 10:16 PM, said:
I certainly wouldn't call myself small!
I lost about 65 lbs in roughly 5 months, give or take. The next 25 lbs I lost in about a month.
I did this by drinking diet coke, eating kimchi wrapped in lettuce, single potatoes, 80 calorie yogurts, and plain broth. I would absolutely not recommend doing any of these things.
Even at a higher BMI you can land yourself in the hospital. I almost did on several occasions.
The most recent 10 pound loss took place over the course of about a year, so extremely gradually. I'm looking to lose at least ten more...baby steps.
I hear you I am definitely gonna go a little bit slower but i did something similar to you and was only loosing like 8 to 10 pounds a month
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Posted 25 March 2022 - 12:59 AM
your progress is so great!!! btw i hope this isnt a strange question to ask but what was your boob size before and after losing the weight? i really freaking hate mine and im amazed at how much urs have reduced so im hoping my boob fat will shrink in about the same as urs TT **cries in my saggy DD's**
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Posted 11 April 2022 - 09:05 AM
isthisreality, on 25 Mar 2022 - 12:59 AM, said:
your progress is so great!!! btw i hope this isnt a strange question to ask but what was your boob size before and after losing the weight? i really freaking hate mine and im amazed at how much urs have reduced so im hoping my boob fat will shrink in about the same as urs TT **cries in my saggy DD's**
I thiiiiiiink I was a....something F before. I'm trying to remember exactly, but it's been a long time. I don't wear traditional bras anymore (just bralettes and sports bras) so....lemme find out my size real quick
Edit: apparently I'm a 32 C. How disappointing. I was hoping I'd be smaller. To be fair my breasts are VERY flat & saggy from the rapid weight loss, so it ain't no Thang.
Slightly risque but obv censored photos under the cut for illustration purposes.
the boobas once upon a time (i know the angle is cringe i was trying to be sexy or something idfk):
the boobas today:
that's the angle that makes them appear fullest. From the side it's pancake mode.
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Posted 11 April 2022 - 11:56 AM
tsukimishin, on 11 Apr 2022 - 11:36 AM, said:
Woah this is amazing!! Hope it's not inappropriate to say but the amount your chest reduced is really giving me hope mine will shrink at least a bit !
Not inappropriate at all!! It's so much easier to bind now on the days I do
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Posted 12 April 2022 - 12:52 PM
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Posted 05 January 2022 - 12:10 PM
Just a place for me to post the silly pictures I take that help me cope. Not all are ED related, just random shit tbh. Figure I'd dump 'em somewhere!
You may find that they are a bit cringe and/or same-y. Oh well. They help me a little.
All images depict either myself or something I created!
TW that some pictures depict (fake) blood and/or "gross" imagery. None of it is particularly graphic imo.
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Posted 05 January 2022 - 12:10 PM
you've gone and ruined your pretty dress
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Posted 05 January 2022 - 12:11 PM
vomit up a garden
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Posted 05 January 2022 - 12:13 PM
bog baby, sinking in
heaving up mud again
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Posted 05 January 2022 - 12:14 PM
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Posted 05 January 2022 - 12:16 PM
ophelia's child
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Posted 16 February 2022 - 03:48 PM
filthy, 1/3
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filthy, 2/3
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filthy, 3/3
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Posted 17 February 2022 - 10:03 PM
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Posted 20 February 2022 - 09:10 AM
And licking the ground.. is that a knife next to you? Powerful Blighty. I wish I had the words to describe the emotional response it invokes in me. I can taste the grit in my mouth when I look at that picture. I also love the black and white choice - why did you choose to remove colour? I love it. I am always interested in the intention behind the art and the feelings that come up for you before during and after if you are willing to share.
I need to do some of my own soon as I get stronger. Purge some of this toxic energy!
Thank you for letting us into your artistic journey. I hope you have a show one day - be sure to supply lots of Kleenex! Maybe even a corner for people to let out their own rage with walls they can draw on and pillows they can scream into and throw - an interactive art exhibit - how cool would that be? Costumes they could don and a photographer on hand to document and capture their reaction to your process and products…. Yeah I see a sweet art show in your future.
Love you my muse xo
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Accountability : https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4287851-dum-spiro-spero-%E2%80%9Cwhile-i-breathe-i-hope%E2%80%9D/
Harm Reduction Saves Lives. Period.
MPA Harm Reduction Thread
https://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/4307737-harm-reduction-accountability-all-welcome/
What is Harm Reduction (for Eating Disorders)?
https://jeatdisord.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40337-020-00306-3/tables/1
A GREAT article on Refeeding and Refeeding Syndrome:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2440847/
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