avocadonurse + maisonmargiela + baby scars + pink_mess

#1 avocadonurse

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Posted 09 October 2020 - 02:31 PM

an accountability thread

hey my name's xaby, i relapsed recently

i'm 5'2.75"(159cm), i round up to 5'3" on my ID

my ed and substance use issues have already destroyed my body

just looking for some like-minded support and community in these trying times

thanks

❧------------------------------------☙

SW (10/03/2020): 166.5 (BMI 29.5 overweight)

CW (2/3/2021): 145.2 (BMI 25.9 overweight)

GW1: 139 (BMI 24.8 normal) (reached 1/1/21)

GW2: 129 (BMI 23 normal)

GW3: 109 (BMI 19.5 normal)

GW4: 99 (BMI 17.7 underweight)

❧------------------------------------☙

[[FORMAT]]
date: [month/day/year]
weight: [in lbs]
bmr/tdee: [xxxx/xxxx] ((*new as of 10/22))
intake: [+000 cal]
outtake: [-000 cal]
fasting hours:

daily goals ☐ ☑ ☒
☐sleep 8 hours
☐sunlight (sp,su: 30 mins; fa,wi: 2 hrs)
☐exercise - 30 mins
☐listen to music - 30 mins
☐do nothing - 30 mins
☐deep breathing - 15 mins
☐green tea ☐green tea ☐green tea
☐green tea ☐green tea ☐water
☐water ☐water ☐water
☐water ☐vitamins

consume 3-4 of these foods:
☐spinach ☐kale ☐swiss chard
☐collards ☐cabbage ☐broccoli
☐peas ☐green beans ☐edamame
☐romaine ☐basil ☐sage
☐turmeric ☐ginger ☐seaweed
☐beet ☐squash ☐mushroom
☐potato ☐avocado ☐pickle
☐garlic ☐tofu ☐lentil/legume
☐miso ☐yogurt ☐barley
☐oat ☐flax ☐sunflower seed
☐olive oil ☐egg ☐blackberry
☐fish ☐walnut ☐maple syrup

notes:

❧------------------------------------☙

[[ENTRY]]

date: 10/9/2020


weight: 160.8


intake: 1 chocolate chip cookie _{(made by my partner, had to)} est. +136 cal
five spice tofu, honeydew, vegetarian bacon +143 cal
6 imitation crab sticks, soy-sriracha-vinegar +178 cal
1/2 apple +40 cal
___________________________________________
TOTAL CALORIES IN +497 cal


outtake: nature walk, 5.15 miles -424 cal
___________________________________________
TOTAL CALORIES OUT -424 cal

daily goals ☐ ☑ ☒
☑sleep 8 hours
☑sunlight (sp,su: 30 mins; fa,wi: 2 hrs)
☑exercise - 30 mins
☑listen to music - 30 mins
☐do nothing - 30 mins
☐deep breathing - 15 mins
☐green tea ☐green tea ☐green tea
☐green tea ☐green tea ☑water
☑water ☑water ☑water
☑water ☑vitamins

consume 3-4 of these foods:
☐spinach ☐kale ☐swiss chard
☐collards ☐cabbage ☐broccoli
☐peas ☐green beans ☐edamame
☐romaine ☐basil ☐sage
☐turmeric ☐ginger ☐seaweed
☐beet ☐squash ☐mushroom
☐potato ☐avocado ☐pickle
☑garlic ☑tofu ☐lentil/legume
☐miso ☐yogurt ☐barley
☐oat ☐flax ☐sunflower seed
☐olive oil ☐egg ☐blackberry
☑fish ☐walnut ☐maple syrup

notes: weekend trip cancelled! i spent the night developing a lifestyle checklist that i hope will work for me. many of the foods contain vitamins and minerals that years of malnutrition and sleep deprivation have leached from my body (things like vitamin K, iron, chromium, selenium, B vitamins, fiber, etc.). that being said, i didn't exactly eat the way i should have today. at least it was a pretty decent restriction day i guess.

edit: I added a picture of my original bodycheck for my initial relapse from my blog, as i want to keep everything to this thread instead


❧------------------------------------☙

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Edited by avocadonurse, 13 July 2021 - 11:03 AM.

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~always willing to listen if you need someone to talk to~stay alive!
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#2 avocadonurse

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Posted 10 October 2020 - 10:52 AM

date:  10/10/2020
weight: 158.8
intake: 2 teaspoons chyawanprash          +50 cal

             curry soup (spinach, tofu, chickpea, mush, etc.)      +311 cal

             __________________________________

             TOTAL CALORIES IN                    +351 cal

 

outtake: 058 cal

daily goals     ☐ ☑ ☒
☒sleep 8 hours (6hr, 43mins)
☐sunlight (sp,su: 30 mins; fa,wi: 2 hrs)
☐exercise - 30 mins
☐listen to music - 30 mins
☐do nothing - 30 mins
☐deep breathing - 15 mins
☐green tea  ☐green tea  ☐green tea

☐green tea  ☐green tea  ☑water
☑water         ☐water         ☐water       

☐water         ☐vitamins   

consume 3-4 of these foods:
☑spinach    ☐kale                ☐swiss chard

☐collards    ☐cabbage         ☐broccoli

☐peas         ☐green beans  ☐edamame

☐romaine    ☑basil               ☐sage

☑turmeric    ☑ginger            ☐seaweed
☐beet          ☐squash          ☑mushroom

☐potato       ☐avocado        ☐pickle

☑garlic         ☑tofu               ☑lentil/legume

☐miso          ☐yogurt           ☐barley

☐oat            ☐flax                ☐sunflower seed
☐olive oil     ☐egg                ☐blackberry

☐fish           ☐walnut            ☐maple syrup

notes: quick update with format so i can edit easily with my phone throughout the day

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#3 maisonmargiela

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Posted 10 October 2020 - 12:10 PM

wow, your checklist is great, might have to take some inspiration! following <3 

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food diary thinspo recipes

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#4 SlimFeelings

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Posted 10 October 2020 - 01:52 PM

Your entries are so detailed! I love them!

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.+*Be Well Everyone. Life Is Too Short.*+.

+*SW-172~+*+~CW-146.6~+*+~GW-145~+*+~UGW-135*+.

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#5 avocadonurse

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Posted 14 October 2020 - 07:58 AM

oh wow, so we did end up going on a mini-vacation! i went with my partner and 2 friends up to one of their family member's houses, and things got a little out of control food and drink-wise. the matriarch of the home was a really exceptional cook however, and it was the right and polite thing to do (to eat what was offered). most of this day was spent immobile, driving up. when we arrived, we had a kale, brussel and beet salad alongside an eggplant rice noodle dish. beer was certainly flowing. i wouldn't be able to determine how much my calories in actually were. i wasn't going to bring my eating problems into strangers' lives.

 

❧------------------------------------☙

 

date:  10/11/2020
weight: ???
intake: [+764 cal]

outtake: [-379 cal]

daily goals     ☐ ☑ ☒
☒sleep 8 hours
☑sunlight (sp,su: 30 mins; fa,wi: 2 hrs)
☑exercise - 30 mins
☑listen to music - 30 mins
☑do nothing - 30 mins
☒deep breathing - 15 mins
☐green tea  ☐green tea  ☐green tea

☐green tea  ☐green tea  ☑water
☑water         ☑water         ☑water       

☑water        ☒vitamins   

consume 3-4 of these foods:
☐spinach    ☐kale                ☐swiss chard

☐collards    ☐cabbage         ☐broccoli

☐peas         ☐green beans  ☐edamame

☐romaine    ☐basil               ☐sage

☐turmeric    ☐ginger            ☐seaweed
☐beet          ☐squash          ☐mushroom

☐potato       ☐avocado        ☐pickle

☐garlic         ☐tofu               ☐lentil/legume

☐miso          ☐yogurt           ☐barley

☐oat            ☐flax                ☐sunflower seed
☑olive oil     ☑egg                ☐blackberry

☐fish           ☐walnut            ☑maple syrup

notes: this day, we took a hike in the woods and i ate my first beyond burger despite being vegetarian aligned since i was able to make that decision in life. it was good! that was followed up by a nice dose of mdma, a puke, and a hot tub, before retiring to the beanbag i fell in love with.

 

❧------------------------------------☙

 

date:  10/12/2020
weight: 158.8
intake: [+1389 cal]

outtake: [-96 cal]

daily goals     ☐ ☑ ☒
☒sleep 8 hours
☑sunlight (sp,su: 30 mins; fa,wi: 2 hrs)
☑exercise - 30 mins
☑listen to music - 30 mins
☑do nothing - 30 mins
☒deep breathing - 15 mins
☐green tea  ☐green tea  ☐green tea

☐green tea  ☐green tea  ☑water
☑water         ☑water         ☑water       

☑water         ☐vitamins   

consume 3-4 of these foods:
☐spinach    ☐kale                ☐swiss chard

☐collards    ☐cabbage         ☐broccoli

☐peas         ☐green beans  ☐edamame

☐romaine    ☑basil               ☐sage

☐turmeric    ☐ginger            ☐seaweed
☐beet          ☐squash          ☐mushroom

☐potato       ☐avocado        ☐pickle

☑garlic         ☐tofu               ☐lentil/legume

☐miso          ☐yogurt           ☐barley

☐oat            ☐flax                ☐sunflower seed
☐olive oil     ☑egg                ☐blackberry

☐fish           ☐walnut            ☐maple syrup

notes: i fucked up. we came back home and my overly dehydrated body and thc-brain thought it would be okay to eat pizza. whooooopsies. it really goes to show how important it is to keep track of what one is doing.

 

❧------------------------------------☙

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#6 avocadonurse

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Posted 14 October 2020 - 08:02 AM

date:  10/13/2020
weight: 158.8
intake: [+BINGE]

outtake: [-112 cal]

daily goals     ☐ ☑ ☒
☐sleep 8 hours
☐sunlight (sp,su: 30 mins; fa,wi: 2 hrs)
☐exercise - 30 mins
☐listen to music - 30 mins
☐do nothing - 30 mins
☐deep breathing - 15 mins
☐green tea  ☐green tea  ☐green tea

☐green tea  ☐green tea  ☐water
☐water         ☐water         ☐water       

☐water         ☐vitamins   

consume 3-4 of these foods:
☐spinach    ☐kale                ☐swiss chard

☐collards    ☐cabbage         ☐broccoli

☐peas         ☐green beans  ☐edamame

☐romaine    ☐basil               ☐sage

☐turmeric    ☐ginger            ☐seaweed
☐beet          ☐squash          ☐mushroom

☐potato       ☐avocado        ☐pickle

☐garlic         ☐tofu               ☐lentil/legume

☐miso          ☐yogurt           ☐barley

☐oat            ☐flax                ☐sunflower seed
☐olive oil     ☐egg                ☐blackberry

☐fish           ☐walnut            ☐maple syrup

notes: mega binge today, probably around 3000 cals. i'll pay for it tomorrow, lol. it's hard to take drugs and exhaust the body and then not pay for it with a binge and lounge day. i'm not mad at myself though! i have tomorrow and the rest of the week to make up for it!

 

 

❧------------------------------------☙

 

date:  10/14/2020
weight: 159.4
intake: [+643 cal]

             chyawanprash, 2t.                   + 50 cal

             OWYN cold brew coffee drink  + 180 cal

             crab stick, 1 piece                    + 27 cal

             zucchini/pumpkin bread slice   + 150 cal

             dates, 3 each                           + 69 cal

             white beans, veg bacon, etc.   + 113 cal

             shiitake mushroom jerky          + 54 cal

 

outtake: [-491 cal]

daily goals     ☐ ☑ ☒
☑sleep 8 hours
☑sunlight (sp,su: 30 mins; fa,wi: 2 hrs)
☑exercise - 30 mins
☐listen to music - 30 mins
☑do nothing - 30 mins
☑deep breathing - 15 mins
☐green tea  ☐green tea  ☐green tea

☐green tea  ☐green tea  ☑water
☑water         ☑water         ☑water       

☑water         ☑vitamins   

consume 3-4 of these foods:
☐spinach    ☑kale                ☐swiss chard

☐collards    ☐cabbage         ☐broccoli

☐peas         ☐green beans  ☐edamame

☐romaine    ☑basil               ☐sage

☐turmeric    ☐ginger            ☐seaweed
☐beet          ☑squash          ☑mushroom

☐potato       ☐avocado        ☐pickle

☑garlic         ☐tofu               ☑lentil/legume

☐miso          ☐yogurt           ☐barley

☐oat            ☐flax                ☐sunflower seed
☐olive oil     ☐egg                ☐blackberry

☐fish           ☐walnut            ☐maple syrup

notes: just woke up but wanted to record my week before my partner woke up! about to take a long walk and bomb my body with magnesium (a mild laxative) and vitamins. more later ~

 

update: i spent much of the day outdoors, encountered two snakes, learned a lot about mushrooms and trees in my area. today was relatively low stress, and it felt good to use my body again after only a couple short hikes on vacation. this is my favorite weather, and my favorite season. i did around 5.37 miles in two different locations.

i also enjoyed lots of snacks, as i always find it difficult to low restrict after bingeing, and yesterday was such an intense binge day, full with stomach pain and lethargy and all, so i am surprised how well i feel today. i'm halfway into the month and only 23% with the october 400k step challenge, so i really have to get myself out there before my partner wakes up tomorrow if i want to succeed!

 

❧------------------------------------☙

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#7 avocadonurse

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Posted 16 October 2020 - 10:04 AM

date:  10/15/2020
weight: 158.8
intake: [+278 cal]

            supplements     +80 cal

            green beans     +34 cal

            garlic                 +4 cal

            butter                +10 cal

            zucchini bread   +150 cal

outtake: [-159 cal]

daily goals     ☐ ☑ ☒
☑sleep 8 hours
☑sunlight (sp,su: 30 mins; fa,wi: 2 hrs)
☑exercise - 30 mins
☑listen to music - 30 mins
☐do nothing - 30 mins
☐deep breathing - 15 mins
☑green tea  ☑green tea  ☑green tea

☑green tea  ☐green tea  ☑water
☑water         ☑water         ☑water       

☑water         ☑vitamins   

consume 3-4 of these foods:
☐spinach    ☐kale                ☐swiss chard

☐collards    ☐cabbage         ☐broccoli

☐peas         ☑green beans  ☐edamame

☐romaine    ☑basil               ☐sage

☐turmeric    ☐ginger            ☐seaweed
☐beet          ☑squash          ☐mushroom

☐potato       ☐avocado        ☐pickle

☐garlic         ☐tofu               ☐lentil/legume

☐miso          ☐yogurt           ☐barley

☐oat            ☐flax                ☐sunflower seed
☐olive oil     ☐egg                ☐blackberry

☐fish           ☐walnut            ☐maple syrup

notes: ughh. i got really drunk and blacked out yesterday, but of course i was safe at home. did some dumb texting. whatever i did, i woke up at 155.6 pounds so i'm not concerned. 

 

today is gonna be kinda hard because my head hurts, i just got my period (which explains the blackout) and it's rainy outside. i think i'll be walking to the grocery store later to get some vinegar for my drains and some fun beverages and soups. my head really does hurt haha, the older i get, the worse my hangovers are. luckily, i sort of cured my alcohol issue over quarantine, but i think the line is fuzzy. i'm worried that as soon as i get back to work and around people again, i'll just lose it again. excuse the rant lolol.

 

❧------------------------------------☙

some pictures!

i look the same as i did on the seventh (in the blog section, before i re-gained accountability access)

 

 

and i also have provided a beautiful crabapple (or persimmon!) leaf

 

as well as some mare's tail

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#8 avocadonurse

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Posted 16 October 2020 - 03:04 PM

weight: 155.6
intake: [+800 cal]

     cheese                                          +11 cal              

     veggie crackers (4ea)                   +90 cal

     roasted pep + tom soup (1 box!)   +440 cal

     garlic                                             +20 cal

     peas                                              +58 cal

     corn                                               +66 cal

     strawberry marshmallows (2ea)     +40 cal

     miso soup (1qt)                              +65 cal

     veggie bouillon (1/4 cube)             +10 cal

 

outtake: [-087 cal]

daily goals     ☐ ☑ ☒
☐sleep 8 hours
☐sunlight (sp,su: 30 mins; fa,wi: 2 hrs)
☑exercise - 30 mins
☑listen to music - 30 mins
☑do nothing - 30 mins
☐deep breathing - 15 mins
☑green tea  ☑green tea  ☑green tea

☑green tea  ☑green tea  ☑water
☑water         ☑water         ☑water       

☑water         ☑vitamins   

consume 3-4 of these foods:
☐spinach    ☐kale                ☐swiss chard

☐collards    ☐cabbage         ☐broccoli

☑peas         ☐green beans  ☐edamame

☐romaine    ☐basil               ☐sage

☑turmeric    ☐ginger            ☑seaweed
☐beet          ☐squash          ☐mushroom

☐potato       ☐avocado        ☐pickle

☑garlic         ☑tofu               ☐lentil/legume

☑miso          ☐yogurt           ☐barley

☐oat            ☐flax                ☐sunflower seed
☑olive oil     ☐egg                ☐blackberry

☐fish           ☐walnut            ☐maple syrup

notes: still sorta recovering from a mega hangover and bad drinking experience. tomorrow is going to be a very busy day spent walking around and trying to keep myself active and out of the house. my partner returns to work tomorrow too! which i am feeling very hot and cold about. i'm worried because the coronavirus levels in our area are steadily increasing (this is like our "second wave") and he is a very social person with a lot of really stupid friends, and he works in his home town! omg lol. so i just hope we don't get sick.

however, that WILL give me more free time to do more strenuous exercises and restrict and maybe even fast some days! i don't really love fasting, kinda makes me want to binge, but some drugs really don't let me eat and i expect that with him gone i'll probably be using more frequently. mostly out of boredom i guess? but i can't predict the future lol.

 

update: wow. sodium. lol. definitely more of a salt craver than a sugar craver.

 

❧------------------------------------☙

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#9 avocadonurse

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 10:37 AM

date:  10/17/2020
weight: can't weigh myself til i shit
intake: [+202 cal]

             avocado (1/2 small), lime juice, sriracha +108 cal

             espresso chocolate milk drink                 +130 cal

 

outtake: [-191 cal]

daily goals     ☐ ☑ ☒
☐sleep 8 hours
☑sunlight (sp,su: 30 mins; fa,wi: 2 hrs)
☑exercise - 30 mins
☑listen to music - 30 mins
☐do nothing - 30 mins
☐deep breathing - 15 mins
☑green tea  ☐green tea  ☐green tea

☑green tea  ☐green tea  ☑water
☑water         ☑water         ☑water       

☑water         ☑vitamins   

consume 3-4 of these foods:
☐spinach    ☐kale                ☐swiss chard

☐collards    ☐cabbage         ☐broccoli

☐peas         ☐green beans  ☐edamame

☐romaine    ☑basil               ☐sage

☐turmeric    ☐ginger            ☐seaweed
☐beet          ☐squash          ☐mushroom

☐potato       ☑avocado        ☐pickle

☐garlic         ☐tofu               ☐lentil/legume

☐miso          ☐yogurt           ☐barley

☐oat            ☐flax                ☐sunflower seed
☐olive oil     ☐egg                ☐blackberry

☐fish           ☐walnut            ☐maple syrup

notes: got in a little fight with my partner this morning. turns out my gut-brain is already confused and upset about what we're doing foodwise and is already starting to backfire on me a little bit. this is no deterrent for me tho, because i think i can convince my gut bacteria that we can coexist happily without all of the junk that they've been screaming for.

i'm gonna have to start bombing my gut with more fermented foods to try and rebuild the damage too. i'm actually reading a book right now about what foods irritate your microbiome, and even though i don't think i will be taking all of the advice, i'll probably take some (and type out some of the more interesting parts i find for everyone).

 

plans to hang out with my friends today, which is good because that will force me out of my home and on a 20-min walk uphill to their home. still, it does make me anxious to think about leaving my house. idk what it is about my period, but it gives me serious social issues. i was on the hormonal pill for like over 10 years, and last year i finally stopped and got a copper IUD (happy to answer any questions you might have about that!) so now i'm sort of re-learning my body and mind and re-learning my period too.

 

well, updates to come. have a picture of some soldier moss!

 

 

❧------------------------------------☙

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#10 avocadonurse

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Posted 19 October 2020 - 05:57 AM

date: 10/18/2020
weight: still constipated
intake: [+848 cal]
soup, hummus vegetable wrap, avocado roll

outtake: [-173 cal]
impromptu counter-protest

daily goals ☐ ☑ ☒
☑sleep 8 hours
☑sunlight (sp,su: 30 mins; fa,wi: 2 hrs)
☑exercise - 30 mins
☐listen to music - 30 mins
☑do nothing - 30 mins
☑deep breathing - 15 mins
☑green tea ☐green tea ☐green tea
☐green tea ☐green tea ☑water
☑water ☑water ☑water
☐water ☐vitamins

consume 3-4 of these foods:
☐spinach ☐kale ☐swiss chard
☐collards ☑cabbage ☐broccoli
☐peas ☐green beans ☐edamame
☐romaine ☐basil ☐sage
☐turmeric ☐ginger ☑seaweed
☑beet ☐squash ☐mushroom
☐potato ☑avocado ☐pickle
☐garlic ☑tofu ☑lentil/legume
☐miso ☐yogurt ☐barley
☐oat ☐flax ☐sunflower seed
☐olive oil ☐egg ☐blackberry
☐fish ☐walnut ☐maple syrup

notes: yesterday i woke up drunk at my friends' house, went home, lied down for hours, heard commotion, went outside, joined a counter-protest and lost my voice. highlight was helping de-arrest a like 17 year old girl who literally did nothing lol.
my period is really painful this time around, so i'll be taking it easy at home likely again today... though i did just get charged by planet fitness for another fucking month (they have had no communication throughout quarantine like at all about when payments would stop/start, and my contract was supposed to be up in september). i guess at least i should get my money's worth this month and start going, maybe for 15-30 mins tonight(10/19), but definitely tomorrow(10/20). double-edged sword i guess. i can't really truly afford the 22$/month tho right now lmaooo oh well
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#11 avocadonurse

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Posted 20 October 2020 - 09:13 AM

date:  10/19/2020
weight: [155.6]
intake: [+825 cal]

outtake: [-252 cal]

daily goals     ☐ ☑ ☒
☑sleep 8 hours
☑sunlight (sp,su: 30 mins; fa,wi: 2 hrs)
☑exercise - 30 mins
☑listen to music - 30 mins
☑do nothing - 30 mins
☑deep breathing - 15 mins
☑green tea  ☑green tea  ☐green tea

☐green tea  ☐green tea  ☑water
☑water         ☑water         ☑water       

☑water         ☑vitamins   

consume 3-4 of these foods:
☐spinach    ☐kale                ☐swiss chard

☐collards    ☐cabbage         ☐broccoli

☐peas         ☐green beans  ☐edamame

☐romaine    ☐basil               ☐sage

☐turmeric    ☐ginger            ☐seaweed
☐beet          ☑squash          ☐mushroom

☐potato       ☑avocado        ☐pickle

☐garlic         ☐tofu               ☑lentil/legume

☐miso          ☑yogurt           ☐barley

☐oat            ☐flax                ☐sunflower seed
☐olive oil     ☐egg                ☐blackberry

☐fish           ☐walnut            ☐maple syrup

notes: ate too many tortillas and felt it, but at least i finally had a bm this morning (10/20)

 

❧------------------------------------☙

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#12 avocadonurse

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Posted 20 October 2020 - 08:02 PM

brainstorming some goals for the rest of october on my phone since it isn't safe to use laptop rn:

□NO ALCOHOL
□bodyweight training in-house or at gym 4x
□10k+ steps when partner is working
□construct a couple recipes to share with mpa
□bodychecks on fridays (make a habit of it? since partner def will be at work)
□weigh-in goals for each week:
□10/23- 154
□10/30- 150
□measurements at beginning of each month
□design goal calendar
□start keeping manual food diary
□alternating egg/yogurt mono wednesdays
□liquid fast thursdays
□strength training fridays
□liquid fast saturdays

if i reach my goals, maybe i can buy myself a fitness tracker with my extra money unspent on food lol. if i can stay motivated and binge-free, i can wear lots of my old clothes again after the new year. here's hoping lol

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#13 avocadonurse

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Posted 21 October 2020 - 04:08 AM

woke up at 158.4 after a measley 5 hours of sleep, wide awake. back to bed lol

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#14 avocadonurse

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Posted 21 October 2020 - 05:51 AM

date: 10/20/2020
weight: 158.4
intake: [+771 cal]

            almond milk          +80

            5 spice tofu          +65

            calpico peach       +220

            tempura seaweed +210? (i shared the bag with my partner, so i put the total calories of the bag)

            miso soup w/peas +166

            supplements         +30
 

outtake: [-202cal]

             2 mile walk

daily goals ☐ ☑ ☒
☑sleep 8 hours
☐sunlight (sp,su: 30 mins; fa,wi: 2 hrs)
☑exercise - 30 mins
☐listen to music - 30 mins
☑do nothing - 30 mins
☐deep breathing - 15 mins
☐green tea ☐green tea ☐green tea
☐green tea ☐green tea ☑water
☑water ☑water ☑water
☑water ☑vitamins

consume 3-4 of these foods:
☐spinach ☐kale ☐swiss chard
☐collards ☐cabbage ☐broccoli
☐peas ☐green beans ☐edamame
☐romaine ☐basil ☐sage
☐turmeric ☐ginger ☑seaweed
☐beet ☐squash ☐mushroom
☐potato ☐avocado ☐pickle
☑garlic ☑tofu ☑lentil/legume
☐miso ☐yogurt ☐barley
☐oat ☐flax ☐sunflower seed
☐olive oil ☐egg ☐blackberry
☐fish ☐walnut ☐maple syrup

notes: i think i'm starting to genuinely hate being around my partner. even after only like 20 days of this, i forgot how utterly isolating and irritating it is to undereat and live with someone. especially when that someone is constantly making food. i talked with him a little about how i was invested in changing the way i eat, and also being cautious because he also suffered from orthorexia at one point, and i don't want him to suffer lol. i literally just want to be left alone to rot.

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#15 avocadonurse

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Posted 21 October 2020 - 08:40 AM

date: 10/21/2020
weight:158.2! lol lost .2 more with a nap
intake: [+756 cal]

            supplements +30

            greek yogurt +160

            broccoli         +87

            veggie wrap  +231

            crab sticks    +90

            sauce           +26

 

outtake: [-292cal]
            3.61 miles

 

daily goals ☐ ☑ ☒
☒sleep 8 hours
☑sunlight (sp,su: 30 mins; fa,wi: 2 hrs)
☑exercise - 30 mins
☐listen to music - 30 mins
☑do nothing - 30 mins
☑deep breathing - 15 mins
☑green tea ☑green tea ☑green tea
☑green tea ☐green tea ☑water
☑water ☑water ☑water
☑water ☑vitamins

consume 3-4 of these foods:
☐spinach ☐kale ☐swiss chard
☐collards ☐cabbage ☑broccoli
☐peas ☐green beans ☐edamame
☐romaine ☐basil ☐sage
☐turmeric ☐ginger ☐seaweed
☐beet ☐squash ☐mushroom
☐potato ☑avocado ☐pickle
☐garlic ☐tofu ☑lentil/legume
☐miso ☑yogurt ☐barley
☐oat ☐flax ☐sunflower seed
☐olive oil ☐egg ☐blackberry
☑fish ☐walnut ☐maple syrup

notes: clearly there is something wrong with my digestive system bc i am shitting out undigested food from 3 DAYS AGO and only with the help of fiber pills and ritalin. partially i know it's an issue with my teeth (i have 21 teeth left, and only 3 molars, so i do have a lot of trouble chewing my food enough now-- which may also have something to do with how quickly i also put ON weight, and not just lose it) but i wonder what else may be wrong with my digestive system after years of demolishing it. i recently had blood work done and nobody said anything was wrong... and the last time i was hospitalized (suicidal) it's not like i was thin enough for anyone to ask or investigate those issues either.  and they never believe me like, lmao, when i say i had severe restrictive type ednos in highschool, it's almost like it's unbelievable for doctors to possibly conceive that someone like me could have been >100lbs ever. idk everything sucks

 

❧------------------------------------☙

 

made a dumb lil calendar for the rest of october. scheduled myself a binge day even, which i think i will schedule 2x per month, every other sunday. i wanna still be able to support the restaurants that are still open where i live, i've just seen too many of them close. since i'm unable to tell exactly the amount, i'll just have to eyeball what i think 1750 looks like, and record it as 2000. honestly, i think it'll be good for my brain too to start off a couple weeks with a little more. i think it'll help keep me from getting too fucked up by this shit too. idk. lol

 

 

❧------------------------------------☙

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#16 avocadonurse

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Posted 22 October 2020 - 11:40 AM

date:  10/22/2020
weight: 157.2

bmr/tdee: 1403/2000

intake: [+664 cal]

supplements                  +30

squash soup w/sprouts  +284

emergen-c probiotics     +15

1/3 bouillon                    +5

my partner made pizza T^T          +330

           

outtake: [-372 cal]

3.5 miles brisk walk     -283

manic aerobics            -83

 

fasting hours: 18.15

 

daily goals     ☐ ☑ ☒
☑sleep 8 hours
☑sunlight (sp,su: 30 mins; fa,wi: 2 hrs)
☑exercise - 30 mins
☑listen to music - 30 mins
☑do nothing - 30 mins
☑deep breathing - 15 mins
☐green tea  ☐green tea  ☐green tea

☐green tea  ☐green tea  ☑water
☑water         ☑water         ☑water       

☑water         ☑vitamins   

consume 3-4 of these foods:
☐spinach    ☐kale                ☐swiss chard

☐collards    ☐cabbage         ☐broccoli

☐peas         ☐green beans  ☐edamame

☐romaine    ☐basil               ☐sage

☑turmeric    ☑ginger            ☐seaweed
☐beet          ☑squash          ☐mushroom

☑potato       ☐avocado        ☐pickle

☐garlic         ☐tofu               ☐lentil/legume

☐miso          ☐yogurt           ☐barley

☐oat            ☐flax                ☐sunflower seed
☐olive oil     ☐egg                ☐blackberry

☐fish           ☐walnut            ☐maple syrup

notes: well i decided late last night that i was going to start intermittent fasting 18:6, and today is supposed to be a liquid fast so i have plenty of soups and broths backed up and ready to go. still trying to keep my intake low since tomorrow is a weigh-in day and last friday i had a surprisingly off weight due to alcohol dehydration.  i really don't want to blackout just so i can see a fake number on the scale, so i'm doing to try and limit my sodium (my ultimate weakness) and try to get 10k+ steps in.

 

step counts were so much easier to reach when i was working! my restaurant is actually closing for good due to covid, so i'm not sure what i'm going to do. for now, ride out unemployment and wait for a vaccine. but if things get especially bad, i wouldn't mind finding a dinky little retail job or something. even though i have the most experience and qualifications as a line cook, i don't exactly want to put myself into a workspace where i need to eat spoonfuls of everything i cook again, or at least until i can lose a bit to where i can afford it.

 

it also sucks that it's unseasonably hot here. i live in a thickly-settled sorta-urban area, so if i want to go for a walk, i have to interact with a lot of people (or at least be around them), but it isn't enough to be anonymous like in a larger city, even with the mask/sunglasses/hat. i really hate being around people i don't know, and i think it's even fair to say that i hate leaving my home. i've always been a borderline shut-in but covid makes just getting up and leaving my apartment so much more difficult than before. especially!!! because!!! people!!! have stopped!!! taking it seriously!!! it's honestly the most annoying thing, to walk out at night and see large groups of college kids (like 8-10) looking for bars! like... guys, i get it, it sucks, but you genuinely will spend less money and have more fun at home.

 

idk. i'm just gonna use this more and more as my blog because i have no other outlet than the void lol.

 

have a pic of my soup haul (these were all 3/5$ at my local discount food shop)

 

❧------------------------------------☙

 

and my squash soup meal w/sprouts and ~12 leftover french fries from my partner's dinner

 

❧------------------------------------☙

 

❧------------------------------------☙

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#17 avocadonurse

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Posted 22 October 2020 - 06:47 PM

my gums are bleeding and my tooth is loose ꒰⁎′̥̥̥ ⌑ ‵̥̥̥ ꒱ this really sucks because i feel like i have only a few options:

 1) up my restriction to 1000, maybe even 1200

 2) not do liquid fasts (not chewing-->not stimulating the jaw bone-->jaw bone weakens and loosen teeth)

 3) no intense exercise without a mouth guard ugh

 4) find $100,000 and get full dentures lmaooooo

 

i seriously haven't even been doing this for a month and i'm getting the worst side effects like my body knows what i'm getting myself into and it's rejecting my behavior lol. i'm just worried about losing so slowly on high restriction that i'll give up halfway and binge myself back to my regular weight set point (when i eat whatever i want, whenever i want, and have a medium activity level, i weigh around 160--before my first hardcore relapse it was 145!!!). too bad dental care isn't part of the regular health care package in america and it's financially impossible for me to get partial dentures so i can slow down the degradation of the rest of my natural teeth and gums. shit sucks lol.

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#18 avocadonurse

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Posted 23 October 2020 - 12:27 PM

date:  10/23/2020
weight: 156.8

bmr/tdee: 1403/2000

intake: [+766 cal]

supplements                   +30

emergen-c probiotics      +15

bouillon, nutritional yeast, sriracha     +59

pizza slice with avocado   +273

mac n peas (~2T)            +83

suja lemon love drink       +10

 

outtake: [-383 cal]

manic aerobics(25min)   -97

brisk walk (2.18 miles)    -176

 

fasting hours: 17.26

 

daily goals     ☐ ☑ ☒
☐sleep 8 hours
☐sunlight (sp,su: 30 mins; fa,wi: 2 hrs)  there is no sunlight today lol
☑exercise - 30 mins
☐listen to music - 30 mins
☑do nothing - 30 mins
☑deep breathing - 15 mins
☐green tea  ☐green tea  ☐green tea

☐green tea  ☐green tea  ☑water
☑water         ☑water         ☑water       

☑water         ☑vitamins   

consume 3-4 of these foods:
☐spinach    ☐kale                ☐swiss chard

☐collards    ☐cabbage         ☐broccoli

☑peas         ☐green beans  ☐edamame

☐romaine    ☐basil               ☐sage

☐turmeric    ☐ginger            ☐seaweed
☐beet          ☐squash          ☐mushroom

☐potato       ☑avocado        ☐pickle

☑garlic         ☐tofu               ☐lentil/legume

☐miso          ☐yogurt           ☐barley

☐oat            ☐flax                ☐sunflower seed
☐olive oil     ☐egg                ☐blackberry

☐fish           ☐walnut            ☐maple syrup

notes: uh so my tooth isn't loose-- my gums were bleeding after i went a little too hard and i think my fear of losing the tooth made me perceive it as loose, so... hopefully that doesn't happen too much more frequently.

really getting discouraged with sticking to 800 cals as it doesn't seem like i'm losing at the rate that i should be. i'm trying to overestimate my calories in and underestimate my calories out, drink plenty of water bla bla bla. not sure what i'm doing wrong.

 

❧------------------------------------☙

 

in that discouragement, i decided to measure myself.

 

here are my measurements from 10/7/2020:
height- 62 in / 158cm
weight- 162.2 lb / 73.5kg
bust- 39.5in / 100cm
waist- 35in / 89cm
hip- 42.5in / 108cm
thigh- 25in / 63.5cm
calf- 15in / 38cm
upper arm- 13in / 33cm
forearm- 9.5in / 24cm
neck- 13in / 33cm

 

and here are my measurements from today, 10/23/2020

height- 62 in / 158cm

weight- 156.8 lb / 71.1kg (-5.4 lb/2.45kg)

bust- 39.5in / 100cm

waist- 34.5in / 87cm (-.5in/1cm)

hip- 41.5in/105cm (-1in/2.5cm)

thigh- 25in / 63.5cm

calf- 14.5in/37cm (-.5in/1cm)

upper arm- 12in/30.5cm (-1in/2.5cm)

forearm- 9in/23cm (-.5in/1cm)

neck- 13in / 33cm

 

 

so, within 16 days, i lost only 5.4lb/2.45kg (i do have my period currently, which could account for a bit of the weight), however, i was able to lose a total of 3.5in/8.9cm around my body. note: this was all AFTER the initial +/-5lbs that someone loses or gains once they start/stop restricting in general, however i don't think it's useful for future planning to take that 5lb into consideration. however, it is important to note that my highest weight in October was October 4- 167.5lb/78kg. So, overall, a 10.7lb/4.8kg loss throughout the month. i will be making another post similar to this on either 10/31 or 11/1, so that i can track my monthly progress and assess my goals more effectively.

 

so what went wrong? likely nothing. inputting my initial start weight in the losertown calculator with my start weight of 167.5 eating an average of 1000 calories per day with a moderate activity level and looking ahead 3 weeks says that i should weigh 160.48 right now, which i'm not. however, i don't think that i'm actually losing as quickly as i used to. i probably have to increase my calories out to a minimum of 400 per day and switch up my caloric intake more frequently, while sticking to my calendars and taking fasting more seriously.

 

some progress pics:

 

i think i look exactly the same as before. i can say however, that i do feel considerably better, much more mentally clear (maybe a little TOO clear), and i think clothes are fitting more comfortably, even straight out of the wash.

 

stay hydrated y'all

 

❧------------------------------------☙

 

edit: so i was just utilizing a calculator that says if i want to drop 5lbs/week, then i have to do -180 cals per day. if my BMR is 1400 or so, and i only consume 800 cals a day, doesn't that mean that i'm operating at a 600cal deficit already? shouldn't i be losing 5/week already? it seems i've done something more like an average of 3.5/week... idk i'm just honestly pissed off because i genuinely feel like these kinds of deficits did so much before and maybe i really did just massacre my BMR and it's way lower than i thought. maybe i should just add 100 cals to every day to start, maybe my supplements are more than they say, bla bla bla. whatever. really didn't think it would take like two weeks to get this consumed by this lol. not to be rude but the worst feeling is feeling like it's going to look like i did this the 'right' way.

 

i'm being a total baby about this, i know.

 

❧------------------------------------☙

 

edit 18:00: took too many psyllium husks and too much magnesium and now i don't know if i can leave my apartment for the next few hours lmao

 

❧------------------------------------☙

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#19 avocadonurse

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Posted 24 October 2020 - 11:06 AM

date: 10/24/2020
weight: 155.4
bmr/tdee: 1400/1995
intake: [+682 cal]

supplements +30

suja mighty greens +50

detox shot +30

coffee, ricemilk, flax +76

pediatric electrolyte freezer pop +25

outtake: [-671 cal]

cardio (35min)_{link below} -320

brisk walk 2.7miles -216

cardio (15min) -135

fasting hours: 21

daily goals ☐ ☑ ☒
☑sleep 8 hours
☐sunlight (sp,su: 30 mins; fa,wi: 2 hrs) -no sunlight today either lol
☑exercise - 30 mins
☐listen to music - 30 mins
☐do nothing - 30 mins
☑deep breathing - 15 mins
☑green tea ☑green tea ☑green tea
☑green tea ☑green tea ☑water
☑water ☑water ☑water
☑water ☑vitamins

consume 3-4 of these foods:
☑spinach ☑kale ☑swiss chard
☐collards ☐cabbage ☐broccoli
☐peas ☐green beans ☐edamame
☑romaine ☐basil ☐sage
☐turmeric ☐ginger ☐seaweed
☐beet ☐squash ☐mushroom
☐potato ☐avocado ☐pickle
☐garlic ☐tofu ☐lentil/legume
☐miso ☐yogurt ☐barley
☐oat ☑flax ☐sunflower seed
☐olive oil ☐egg ☐blackberry
☐fish ☐walnut ☐maple syrup

notes: well, my partner is starting to ask me if i'm okay, but hasn't mentioned anything about weight at all (ofc, because it really doesn't look like i've lost any weight yet). i just take this as a reminder that i need to be cautious about my behaviors in front of others-- it's too easy for me to get fully addicted to whatever i'm doing at the moment so i just have to remember to shut off my disorder brain once other people are around-- hence the late-night pizza and macncheese bites. but seriously lol isn't it easy to see why i gained like 30# since i started dating him? not that we haven't had lots of fun times with food, i just have to keep those exceptional food experiences to the restaurants and not within my home as well.

still feeling the fiber/magnesium/zinc running through my system too, i definitely overdid it. i probably have to up my stims today to help get the ball rolling in here... kinda annoying how slowly things move thru my digestive tract lol.

did some math and if i can do 500 calories out a day with activity i can lose around .5 a day at 741 cals. time to find youtube routines lol.



here's a link!




and also, i found another calculator here where there are estimated dates of reaching your goals, where you can even input how hard or how easy you want to work towards it. could be really cool! here were my results:


i thought this calculator was really cool and unique!! here's hoping it only takes til march lol. the only issue with this one is it won't let you input a desired goal weight under 100, so it really only works for some people.

❧------------------------------------☙

edit: did a "low impact 30 min cardio workout" that i found on youtube-- sHealth said that i burned 320 calories doing it and i believe that. i sweat so much! but also i'm pretty out of shape due to quarantine (i used to have a physically demanding, standing job [line cook]) so that probably accounts for the soaked hair but i do think that it would be an easy thing to do 3x a week, and maybe a more intermediate level on the fourth day. too bad my steps weren't counted for it for the 400k steps challenge but that's okay! it'll just inspire me to go take a walk once it gets to be a more comfortable temperature outside. or i guess i could just pace around my apartment again (sorry downstairs neighbors ToT). it's so weird to not have a schedule anymore, but it certainly makes it very easy to work on my goals lol.

❧------------------------------------☙

edit: took a long walk to enjoy the crisp autumn air on this beautiful night. it's really depressing to see how many people are out eating at restaurants right now... USA is going to have covid forever at this point. like, i get it. i want to go out and drink and have fun with my friends and meet new people and dance and enjoy my life out too, but it's just super irresponsible and i really do understand but i just can't justify eating at a restaurant or going out to a bar here right now. it's all fucked ꒰⌯͒•̩̩̩́ ˑ̫ •̩̩̩̀⌯͒꒱

❧------------------------------------☙

edit: aaaaaaaaaaaaand then i did a little more cardio. same channel. more sweat. adrenaline junkie through and through i guess... sorta feels like drugs a little if you get your heart pumping enough. i can see why people get addicted to exercise too. luckily i have so much body mass so i can actually do this on a low-restrict day, but i can't imagine doing like 45min of cardio on like, a 3 day fast. the air smells so good and it's making me so hungry, but i really should wait for my partner to come home to eat, otherwise it's just a waste. more tea i guess.

oh yeah! that brings to mind-- today is really the first day that i overreached my green tea goals. here's a little motivation for myself and others to include green tea in our daily routines (this is copy/pasted from healthline):

ᕙ( ~ . ~ )ᕗloaded with polyphenol antioxidants, including a catechin called EGCG which has various health benefits
ᕙ( ~ . ~ )ᕗhas less caffeine than coffee and L-theanine, which works with caffeine to improve brain function
ᕙ( ~ . ~ )ᕗmay boost metabolic rate and increase fat burning in the short term
ᕙ( ~ . ~ )ᕗmultiple studies show that green tea drinkers have a lower risk of various types of cancer
ᕙ( ~ . ~ )ᕗmay reduce the risk of dementia
ᕙ( ~ . ~ )ᕗmay inhibit the growth of bacteria in the mouth, reducing the risk of bad breath
ᕙ( ~ . ~ )ᕗsome studies show that green tea may cause mild reductions in blood sugar levels
ᕙ( ~ . ~ )ᕗmay lower total and LDL (bad) cholesterol, as well as protect the LDL particles from oxidation
ᕙ( ~ . ~ )ᕗmay lead to increased weight loss- particularly abdominal fat
ᕙ( ~ . ~ )ᕗstudies show that people who drink green tea may live longer than those who don’t

why am i so energized lol

❧------------------------------------☙

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#20 Tired247

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Posted 24 October 2020 - 06:34 PM

whatt u look smaller than ur stats to me. 

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avocadonurse

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Posted 14 February 2021 - 08:58 AM

wew i just can't commit to anything anymore. really not feeling well and eating way too much lately haha. it's been exceptionally cold and i've been exceptionally pissy and tired. maybe progress will happen next week but... definitely nothing last week
idk i'll prolly still measure lmao because i want to suffer

also wtf is wrong with me, im going to be 30 years old this year and i still can't stop myself from developing like real feelings about a youtuber? whose face i've never seen? like do other people have to live like this? like i think about this youtuber every day. i need a life. like i have a whole partner and sorta job and hobbies and i'm still absolutely delusional lmao

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#122 avocadonurse

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Posted 12 July 2021 - 10:15 PM

things have changed a lot!

moved back in with my mom.

very depressed.

need to destroy my body as a coping mechanism.

got mega triggered talking to my partner's mom.

 

no plans, no thoughts. just a desperate need for a journal.

definitely gained some weight in the past 5 months.

always exciting to start hating my body again lol!

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#123 ughughtired

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Posted 12 July 2021 - 10:21 PM

avocadonurse, on 12 Jul 2021 - 10:15 PM, said:

things have changed a lot!

moved back in with my mom.

very depressed.

need to destroy my body as a coping mechanism.

got mega triggered talking to my partner's mom.

 

no plans, no thoughts. just a desperate need for a journal.

definitely gained some weight in the past 5 months.

always exciting to start hating my body again lol!

Sorry to hear you're feeling depressed 

I hope u feel more okay soon!!!!

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#124 avocadonurse

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Posted 12 July 2021 - 11:26 PM

ughughtired, on 12 Jul 2021 - 10:21 PM, said:

Sorry to hear you're feeling depressed 

I hope u feel more okay soon!!!!

thanks ugh (♡μ_μ)

take care of yourself today ♡

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#125 avocadonurse

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Posted 13 July 2021 - 01:23 AM

❧------------------------------------☙

date: [month/day/year]
weight: [in lbs]
intake: [+000 cal]
outtake: [-000 cal]

tdee: [xxxx]


daily goals ☐ ☑ ☒
☐sleep 6 hours
☐sunlight (sp,su: 15 mins; fa,wi: 30 mins)
☐exercise - 15 mins
☐listen to music - 15 mins
☐do nothing - 15 mins
☐deep breathing - 2 mins
☐write/journal - 15 mins

☐share knowledge with someone

notes:

❧------------------------------------☙

 

 

(cw: dysphoria, talk of puberty, mention of abuse, suicide [hidden behind spoiler] oh and substance abuse but i usually don't cw for that, that's sort of a given for me)

 

 

tried to set more realistic goals for myself here.

 

i would really prefer to just lose weight the safe way, but i don't think i can reasonably do that until i get back to the weight i was before. then i think i can try. last weight was 131? so once i hit that i'll start high restricting. i'm thinking maybe 1400 for high since that's like my lazy day average tdee. 1400 seems beyond safe for someone of my height. i'm tired of the depression that i get both with being this size and by having disordered eating habits. i really want to eventually lead a normal eating life where i can stop caring about how i look or what i put into my body but i'm not really strong enough at the moment to fully be there. society is really draining on my self-esteem, not that i really ever had a lot of self esteem in the first place.

Spoiler 

honestly i think a lot of that lack of self esteem came from getting my period early and gaining weight too suddenly for my child brain to measure against the bodies of my peers. a lot of that comes from the chest dysphoria that flickers in and out depending on the day-- something i've probably been dealing with as long as i can remember, if i could remember anything lmao. a lot of the self-esteem shit comes from hanging out with mostly boys until soon after puberty, and the weird social re-conditioning i had to go through during that change in peers and friends. from being terminally online since like 11, from the absolute batshit early 2000s pop culture media and news i consumed, from unrealistic and godlike body depictions of people with my body type in art and animation, from the glorification of emaciated bodies in fashion- a loved hobby and general interest of mine for the majority of my life. not to mention having all of these super destructive feelings about myself be validated and mirrored in shitty early boyfriends, experiencing a wide range of abuses from like 75% of the sexual partners i chose until the age of like 22 when i started waking up and realizing that i didn't deserve to be treated that way by anybody but myself lol. and i say 'started' for a reason of course, i'm still in distant contact with someone who really hasn't been the kindest with me, struggling not to respond to his last message from a few days ago as we speak.

i dunno. it's not like i even hate him or like i'm upset with him for what happened/happens when we hang out, i just really like his validation because of how hot and rich he is because we live in a society lmao. it fucking sucks to not be able to just cut him off, and it also fucking sucks that i perpetuate his bullshit and the potential for him to harm others by entertaining him. this comes as a survivor of some pretty serious sexual abuse. some encounters are incredibly complicated and harder to label 1 or 0, and encounters with him are neither. i genuinely still desire him and want him to be interested in me, even though i know how untrustworthy and sketchy he is. to be fair, i'm also untrustworthy and sketchy, which is probably partially why i feel like we deserve each other's shittiness. very confusing, and i'm an old man now. things should be getting less confusing lol. many times, the lack of self esteem and self love has led me to a list suicide attempts, first one at the age of 12 before i really knew what i was doing, and most recent one at age 28 resulting in hospitalization for a very short amount of time thanks to my impeccable masking and lying abilities.a few more and less serious attempts in between, with many tied to issues with drug abuse and sleeplessness resulting in aural hallucinations egging me on lmao. too many nights spent awake really fucks your brain up, it definitely needs time to recover every day. but i neeeever learn this one lol, still struggling with substances too!  

but my main issue right now is with older women. some of the older women that i've been around lately have been really triggering with the food stuff. whether it's talking about how much they "need" to eat to feel full, or how little they've eaten that day, or what foods they can or can't eat, or what their eating habits are like lately because of x, y, z... it's all been so annoying and so stressful. like, where i'm from, it's an unwritten social rule that you don't talk about weight stuff with anyone, let alone with someone who is larger than you. we're talking with someone who you met once or twice, not a close friend kind of stuff. like i don't know, i appreciate their feeling comfortable enough with me to share like intimate details of their lives with me, but i just don't understand. i get so worried about triggering other people into disordered eating that i would never come out like that talking about how i don't eat very much and my weight did this or that. i guess the only place i would do something like that is here, where it's expected, and where people are ready to engage in that kind of conversation. [hydration check: got something to drink?]

anyways, like i'd said earlier, i'm trying to set more realistic goals for myself and i especially am going to try and set a very specific goal for my time here: as long as i'm posting here, i want to be actively thinking about WHY i keep choosing to destroy my body to look a certain way that isn't even necessarily socially desirable and what i can do to get to a state of contentment with myself, how i look, and how i feel. if i can't do that, that's fine too. i just don't want to be so hard on myself anymore. maybe this accountability can help serve as a kind of therapy while i tumble into middle-age, trying to stay true to my gifted kid turned failed adult self.

 

lmao i wonder what i'll think about this shlock tomorrow

 

 

❧------------------------------------☙

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#126 avocadonurse

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Posted 13 July 2021 - 11:00 AM

❧------------------------------------☙

date: 7/13/21
weight: 145.2
intake: [+832 cal]

                 granola                 --  317

                 almond milk         --  30

                 cacao nibs            --  28

                 sprouted bread    --  160

                 butter                      --  110

                 spring rolls            --  187
outtake: [-000 cal]

tdee: [2020]


daily goals ☐ ☑ ☒
☑sleep 6 hours
☒sunlight (sp,su: 15 mins; fa,wi: 30 mins) too rainy and dark to be outside
☒exercise - 15 mins no excuse, just didn't
☒listen to music - 15 mins no excuse, just didn't
☑do nothing - 15 mins before leaving bed this morning
☑deep breathing - 2 mins while writing this post before bed
☑write/journal - 15 mins in writing this post before bed

☑share knowledge with someone shared plenty of knowledge with family at home, various topics

 

notes:

 

aii, i guess i really did put on quite a bit of weight lately. at least i slept enough. i'm going to quickly set up some breakfast and then try to take a walk before the weather gets bad.

❧------------------------------------☙

 

yeah well i did nothing on my list basically. ate a few spring rolls, granola, cacao nibs and such. boring, blah day. rainy. idk. i felt so restless and energetic today. now i'm exhausted. hopefully tomorrow will be different.

kind of hungry now and contemplating getting a snack, but honestly it would be way too loud and annoying so i have no choice but to hide in my room. it feels so weird to be home as an adult. not quite sure if it's even hit me yet. it's so strange having daily conversations with my mother and brother, kinda nice but also just so weird. i'm not sure how long i'll be stuck here, but i know that i have to start building routines so that i can face the world head on again. even getting my room cleaned and organized properly would be enough for me to start, but it's been so dark and dreary and i haven't really felt the urge to do anything with it. i'm sort of lazy as fuck... procrastinate constantly, always waiting til the last minute to do everything. it's starting to wear on me.

also i've been struggling with writing and getting creative projects started. i'm so paralyzed by my own indecision constantly lmao. it's so annoying (hydration check- sip some water!) and i really really really want to change this shit about myself because i'm seriously not getting anywhere with this mindset lmao.

i don't even know what to write right now. or what to do. i'm supposed to be winding down for sleep, but this is like the only alone time i have now, so i feel this like need to cherish it and be swallowed by it. but what's alone time if there's nothing to do? maybe that's something i have to get better at too-- not doing anything, not having anything to do, and not pressuring myself to be constantly on, constantly going. aaaah lol.

but yes, likely, tomorrow will be better. every day has to get better of course, since many days leading up to this have been so bad and stressful. gotta relax lol.

 

❧------------------------------------☙

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#127 avocadonurse

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Posted 14 July 2021 - 09:03 AM

❧------------------------------------☙

date: 7/14/20
weight: 143.8
intake: [+845 cal]
outtake: [-000 cal]

tdee: [2082]


daily goals ☐ ☑ ☒
☑sleep 6 hours - made it 5 hours + 52 mins with a score of 81
☐sunlight (sp,su: 15 mins; fa,wi: 30 mins) - no excuse
☐exercise - 15 mins - no excuse
☐listen to music - 15 mins - no excuse
☐do nothing - 15 mins - no excuse
☐deep breathing - 2 mins - no excuse
☑write/journal - 15 mins - writing this post.... lazy, i know

☑share knowledge with someone - watched lots of educational videos with sibling

 

notes:
 

easy on, easy off i hope

 

sun's out, let's see if i can get myself outside today

 

❧------------------------------------☙

 

i got five minutes maybe of the outdoors, unbearable

 

❧------------------------------------☙

 

basically another full day of nothing. .i keep telling myself that i'll do this or that once the weather improves, but i never do. it's just another way of not taking responsibility for my inaction, which i'm totally aware of. caffeine hasn't been helping, just making me restless and kinda anxious. but my mental health has been better each day, marginally, but still better overall. i think i'm going to see a dramatic increase over the next couple months, especially once i get myself situated and comfortable here. i really don't have much to say at all, i rather just browse until i fall asleep. love hitting that reset button every night, rolling the dice on my future self's motivational capacity.

(hydration check, posture check, tension check)

in other news, i gotta get my resting heart rate back down to 60 like it was before. i feel like i spend so much of my day on high alert which is just not good for smooth social interaction, leaving me quick to react negatively or impulsively. i really wanna figure out how to relax for real, not just my usual relaxation which is like watching the news or dissociating into the void. i'll try some deep breaths before bed, but i'm not gonna push myself to do something that i forget to do so frequently. all i gotta keep in mind is how unnecessary it is for me to be hypervigilant here, and that it doesn't serve me. easier said than done lol. 

 

❧------------------------------------☙

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#128 avocadonurse

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Posted 15 July 2021 - 10:12 AM

❧------------------------------------☙

date: 7/15/20
weight: 142.4
intake: [+522 cal]
outtake: [-000 cal]

tdee: [2075]


daily goals ☐ ☑ ☒
☒sleep 6 hours - 4 hours 30 mins, uuuuuugh
☐sunlight (sp,su: 15 mins; fa,wi: 30 mins) -
☐exercise - 15 mins -
☐listen to music - 15 mins -
☐do nothing - 15 mins -
☐deep breathing - 2 mins -
☐write/journal - 15 mins -

☐share knowledge with someone -

 

notes:
 

gonna need a nap today lmaooo

i stayed up late reading abt the "future of mpa" but i didn't even make it halfway thru the thread yet lol.

so hot and so tired.

 

❧------------------------------------☙

 

 i didn't do shit today. i just stared at this for like 15 mins, not knowing what to write, so i'm not gonna push it.

 

❧------------------------------------☙

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#129 avocadonurse

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Posted 16 July 2021 - 10:02 AM

❧------------------------------------☙

date: 7/16/20
weight: 140.8
intake: [+433 cal]
outtake: [-000 cal]

tdee: [1837]


daily goals ☐ ☑ ☒
☒sleep 6 hours - 5 hr 40 mins... probably just gonna go back to sleep
☐sunlight (sp,su: 15 mins; fa,wi: 30 mins) -
☐exercise - 15 mins -
☐listen to music - 15 mins -
☐do nothing - 15 mins -
☐deep breathing - 2 mins -
☐write/journal - 15 mins -
☐share knowledge with someone -

 

notes:

 

i need more sleep lol

 

❧------------------------------------☙

 

i didn't do shit today

 

 

❧------------------------------------☙

 

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#130 avocadonurse

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Posted 17 July 2021 - 10:55 PM

date: 7/17/20
weight: 140.8
intake: [+560 cal]
outtake: [-000 cal]

tdee: [1558]


daily goals ☐ ☑ ☒
☒sleep 6 hours - 6 hr 55 mins
☐sunlight (sp,su: 15 mins; fa,wi: 30 mins) -
☐exercise - 15 mins -
☐listen to music - 15 mins -
☐do nothing - 15 mins -
☐deep breathing - 2 mins -
☐write/journal - 15 mins -
☐share knowledge with someone -

 

notes:

 

another day of total nothingness lolol

no weight loss either, but likely tomorrow it'll go down a smidge.

so lazy~

 

edit: ate some chocolate while browsing for the fiber. slightly less dead now.

 

❧------------------------------------☙

 

thought of some rewards for myself, usually i can't come up with them, so i'll just do a couple.

 

☐135- dye hair

☐130- new game

☐125- next hair dye

☐120- new clothes

 

though sometimes this feels absolutely pointless, i know i'll be happier if i look like a different person

❧------------------------------------☙

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#131 avocadonurse

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Posted 18 July 2021 - 09:49 AM

date: 7/17/20
weight: 140.4
intake: [+877 cal]
outtake: [-196 cal]

tdee: [2199]


daily goals ☐ ☑ ☒
☒sleep 6 hours - 6 hr 13 mins
☐sunlight (sp,su: 15 mins; fa,wi: 30 mins) -
☑exercise - 15 mins -
☐listen to music - 15 mins -
☐do nothing - 15 mins -
☑deep breathing - 2 mins -
☑write/journal - 15 mins -
☑share knowledge with someone -

 

notes:

 

not much to share. i did a lot of baking today, but also finally got some exercise in. i hope that the extra calories will make it easier for me to fall asleep at a decent hour.

 

❧------------------------------------☙

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#132 avocadonurse

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Posted 19 July 2021 - 09:19 AM

date: 7/19/20
weight: 142.4
intake: [+413 cal]
outtake: [-090 cal]

tdee: [2199]


daily goals ☐ ☑ ☒
☒sleep 6 hours - 7 hr 46 mins!!! must have been the edible. cheat code unlocked
☐sunlight (sp,su: 15 mins; fa,wi: 30 mins) -
☑exercise - 15 mins -
☑listen to music - 15 mins - FINALLY!!!!
☐do nothing - 15 mins -
☐deep breathing - 2 mins -
☐write/journal - 15 mins -
☐share knowledge with someone -

 

notes:

 

i gotta be the only person in the world who gains on 800cal. today's gonna be weird then, trying to hide my low intake or just consuming any low cal thing i can find with enough fiber to shit this out of me. taking a water retention pill as well as a light stimulant and just working today. and i exercised last night T^T wtf.

 

i could possibly be getting my period, too. not sure yet, but fitbit says 2 days. it's been off for months, which is my fault for  not updating it properly, but still, a little frustrating. (hydration check, posture check)

 

i'll weigh in again if anything drastic happens.

 

❧------------------------------------☙

 

oh boy. what a weird day. gotta rush down to 135 so i can dye my hair. i desperately need a change. and also peers lmao. covid killed my friendships. i have the time and space to rebuild my entire life, so i guess i should get to that. did a lot of cleaning and organizing today though, that feels good. crashing off the caffeine, never took that stim. or that water pill. i'll take that now lol. my memory is tanked.

 

❧------------------------------------☙

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#133 avocadonurse

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Posted 20 July 2021 - 10:41 AM

date: 7/20/20
weight: 141.8
intake: [+565 cal]
outtake: [-000 cal]

tdee: [2113]


daily goals ☐ ☑ ☒
☒sleep 6 hours - 7 hr 41 mins!!! yessss
☐sunlight (sp,su: 15 mins; fa,wi: 30 mins) -
☐exercise - 15 mins -
☐listen to music - 15 mins -
☐do nothing - 15 mins -
☐deep breathing - 2 mins -
☐write/journal - 15 mins -
☐share knowledge with someone -

 

notes:

 

sleep is back on the menu boiz!!!

gonna take a water retention pill and drink a shit ton of coffee and hopefully get some work done today. had a smoothie.

hydration/posture/tension check y'all

 

also, gonna be leaving tomorrow i think for a few days, maybe 5, to see friends. i'll be unable to post beyond wednesday morning, so i'll be writing a megapost on sunday likely, with a separate post for each days stats. no weighing obviously. yikes.

 

❧------------------------------------☙

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#134 avocadonurse

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Posted 21 July 2021 - 08:56 AM

date: 7/21/20
weight: 141.8
intake: [+160 cal]
outtake: [-000 cal]

tdee: [xxxx]


daily goals ☐ ☑ ☒
☒sleep 6 hours - 7 hr
☐sunlight (sp,su: 15 mins; fa,wi: 30 mins) -
☐exercise - 15 mins -
☐listen to music - 15 mins -
☐do nothing - 15 mins -
☐deep breathing - 2 mins -
☐write/journal - 15 mins -
☐share knowledge with someone -

 

notes:

 

no weight change. exhausted, light spotting. maybe in a couple days this will clear up and i can get back to tracking my real weight. once i go below 140 i'll start measuring again.

i'm tired and i want to cancel my plans. that's all i do lately lol.

 

❧------------------------------------☙

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#135 avocadonurse

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Posted 24 July 2021 - 10:00 AM

date: 7/21/20
weight: 140.8
intake: [+473 cal]
outtake: [-000 cal]

tdee: [1701]


daily goals ☐ ☑ ☒
☒sleep 6 hours - 7 hr 9 min
☐sunlight (sp,su: 15 mins; fa,wi: 30 mins) -
☐exercise - 15 mins -
☐listen to music - 15 mins -
☐do nothing - 15 mins -
☐deep breathing - 2 mins -
☐write/journal - 15 mins -
☐share knowledge with someone -

 

notes:

 

definitely don't wanna live like this forever, but i have a lot of emotional stake in this. also 140.8 is a cursed number for me lmao. i've probably spent the majority of my life around this weight. 145 in adolescence, 140 in adulthood. cursed numbers. get me outta heeere

 

❧------------------------------------☙

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#136 avocadonurse

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Posted 25 July 2021 - 01:34 PM

date: 7/25/20
weight: 140.2
intake: [+233 cal]
outtake: [-000 cal]

tdee: [1322]


daily goals ☐ ☑ ☒
☒sleep 6 hours - 6 hr 7 min
☐sunlight (sp,su: 15 mins; fa,wi: 30 mins) -
☐exercise - 15 mins -
☐listen to music - 15 mins -
☐do nothing - 15 mins -
☐deep breathing - 2 mins -
☐write/journal - 15 mins -
☐share knowledge with someone -

 

notes:

 

❧------------------------------------☙

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#137 avocadonurse

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Posted 26 July 2021 - 11:06 AM

date: 7/26/20
weight: ???.?
intake: [+605 cal]
outtake: [-000 cal]

tdee: [1508]


daily goals ☐ ☑ ☒
☑sleep 6 hours - 7 hr 38 min
☑sunlight (sp,su: 15 mins; fa,wi: 30 mins) - i went outside for like an hour!!! amazing!!!
☑exercise - 15 mins -
☐listen to music - 15 mins -
☐do nothing - 15 mins -
☐deep breathing - 2 mins -
☐write/journal - 15 mins -
☐share knowledge with someone -

 

notes:

 

forgot to weigh, yikes, only 5 days to lose like 5 lbs tho i think i can do it... gonna have to be real cautious at night and maybe start exercise videos again.

in a good routine for first meal of the day so maybe i could start brothing or misoing during the days. i'm nervous to be around people.

 

❧------------------------------------☙

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#138 avocadonurse

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Posted 27 July 2021 - 07:30 AM

date: 7/26/20
weight: 140.4
intake: [+000 cal]
outtake: [-000 cal]

tdee: [xxxx]


daily goals ☐ ☑ ☒
☑sleep 6 hours - 6 hr 20 min
☐sunlight (sp,su: 15 mins; fa,wi: 30 mins) -
☐exercise - 15 mins -
☐listen to music - 15 mins -
☐do nothing - 15 mins -
☐deep breathing - 2 mins -
☐write/journal - 15 mins -
☐share knowledge with someone -

 

notes:

 

just want to sleep today off. too much to do lol.

 

❧------------------------------------☙

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maisonmargiela

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Posted 10 October 2020 - 05:20 AM

☼ about me ☼

 

5'6, 24 y/o

sw 132lbs

cw 120.5lbs
gw1 125lbs
gw2 118lbs

ugw 112lbs

 

i can't remember when i last had an accountability thread, and it looks like it has been purged anyway.
anyway: i have pretty much maintained my weight for 2 years and i'm ready to get back into shape now.
i eat no more than 1200 cals a day, no less than 500. i do IF 16:8, am a vegetarian, and avoid dairy. 

h ☼

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#2 maisonmargiela

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Posted 10 October 2020 - 12:01 PM

☼ 10.10.2020 ☼

 

 

2 boiled eggs, 140 cal
1 slice toast, 92 cal
pasta with veg, 545 cal

lotus biscuits, 20 cal

clementine, 36 cal

 

 

☼ total: 883 cal ☼

 

pretty pleased with my intake today! please excuse my hands, i swear no matter my weight i have sausage fingers, lol

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#3 maisonmargiela

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Posted 11 October 2020 - 01:37 PM

☼ 11.10.2020 ☼

 

 

the above meal, 110 cal

lotus biscuits, 70 cal

raspberries, 35 cal

the below meal, 705 cal

 

 

☼ total 916 cal ☼

 

so not overly thrilled with the last meal but my dad wanted to make a roast dinner and i love him so it's fine.

the breaded thing is seitan and i probably won't get it again, not really worth the calories (267)

roast potatoes are the best thing in the world oh my god. i could eat them all day long 

i pickled those onions in the first pic myself and i apologise for the super low quality of the second one L O L

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#4 maisonmargiela

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Posted 12 October 2020 - 12:01 PM

☼ 12.10.2020 ☼

 

 

omelette and salad, 265 cal

lotus biscuits, 70 cal

clementine, 36 cal

vegan sausages, 115 cal

sourdough, 121 cal

baby potatoes, 173 cal

peas, 29 cal

 

 

☼ total 806 cal ☼

 

yes more potatoes for dinner!!! but this time in the form of boiled. which i honestly find delicious, but i am irish after all. the vegan sausages are also 'irish'

i felt a little on the lightheaded side this evening but i'm down a pound (which makes me think my original weigh in was wrong but oh well)

the omelette was made by mixing the ingredients in a zip lock bag and i guess poaching ? it in water for 10 mins or so, and omg it was great, worked so well with no oil!

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#5 maisonmargiela

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Posted 13 October 2020 - 12:43 PM

☼ 13.10.2020 ☼

 

gyoza, 173 cal

miso soup, 183 cal

mashed potato, 240 cal

seitan, 267 cal

popcorn, 115 cal

 

 

☼ total 978 ☼

 

i know i said i wasn't gonna have that seitan again - but i just wanted to finish it.

i had a pretty 'big' day today, went on a suuper long walk in the city, saw some cool public art, then saw a movie at the LFI

the movie was pretty good, mostly was excited i got to eat my favourite popcorn, if you're british go to boots and try the propercorn peanut and almond PLEASE.

i was starving in bed last night, made me feel super old because when i was a teenager i could literally eat nothing and be basically fine

but tonight i'm feeling pretty good so far at lease. going to make a after-dinner tea and maybe play some among us.

i get to see my boyfriend tomorrow   

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#6 maisonmargiela

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Posted 14 October 2020 - 02:08 PM

☼ 14.10.2020 ☼

 

ramen, 584 cals

half a chocolate muffin, 205 cals

 

☼ total 789 ☼

 

sorry no pictures today because i was with my boyfriend! it was a really lovely day, we walked 17km around london and got japanese food

i have injured my thigh somehow so i will have to take a break on the extended walks

kind of super sad now tho because i was planning on training to teach - i think it's the only thing i will do excellently at - and i don't think i can afford the training bc the government slashed the funding. so fucking sad 

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#7 maisonmargiela

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Posted 15 October 2020 - 12:29 PM

☼ 15/10/2020 ☼

 

 

omelette with emmental and onion, 248 cal

pasta with vegetables, 395 cal

vegan marshmallows, 95 cal

crisps, 143 cal

 

 

☼ total 883 cals ☼

 

looks like imgur decided to fuck my image quality today lol

god i really wish my mum did not buy those vegan marshmallows... i don't even like them that much

worked with my dad for a bit today and will do the same again tomorrow, quite a lot of lifting, seems a good workout lol

btw that omelette method is amazing. oil freee!

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#8 maisonmargiela

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Posted 16 October 2020 - 02:15 PM

☼ 16/10/2020 ☼

 

tomato and egg sandwich, 356 cal

rice, 209 cal

gyoza, 173 cal

crips, 215 cal

 

☼ total 953 cals ☼

 

well i *did* take pictures, but imgur is not letting me edit it and it's far too large so none for today, sorry!

another busy day working, i swear i'm not cut out for physical labour lol my back is killing me

my parents ordered pizza tonight and it was so awkward explaining that i didn't want it ugh but glad i stuck with my rice and gyoza lol

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#9 maisonmargiela

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 03:24 PM

☼ 17.10.2020 ☼

 

vegan sausage, 270 cals

unfrosted cupcake, 270 cals

naked burrito, 316 cals

popcorn, 120 cals

 

☼ total 763 cals ☼

hello, sorry no pictures again! i'll try and get back on that tomos. didn't really feel much hunger all day today

i baked cupcakes and tried one just to test it but the rest were iced and then given to friends/family. they were good!

i just got back from the movies, saw ammonite, super disappointing  really thought it would be something special.

i'm still feeling weird in my thigh and will probably have to call a doctor soon ugh. more work tomorrow too so that won't help!
 

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#10 pintsized

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 04:58 PM

Sorry about your leg! I think I hurt myself too walking in bad shoes. Walks are what I look forward to nowadays :/

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#11 maisonmargiela

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Posted 18 October 2020 - 11:28 AM

☼ 18.10.2020 ☼

 

egg and tomato sandwich, 356 cal

nut roast, potatoes, yorkshire pudding and carrots, 723 cal

cupcake, honestly no idea estimating 375 cal

 

 

☼ total 1454 cals ☼

 

ughh so *not ok* with this day, at least i was working so i have been active but whyyy i agreed i'd have a cupcake and i regret it so much

so much fat :////// i will do better tomorrow, at least i regularly remain below 1000 calories on most days. i'm just so much happier when i keep it below that.

i'll be working all day tomorrow, need to sort out a better lunch situation 

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#12 maisonmargiela

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Posted 19 October 2020 - 12:35 PM

☼ 19.10.2020 ☼

 

 

veggie wrap, 351 cals

10 cal jelly, 3 cals (lol)

salad, 355 cals

 

 

☼ total 710 cals ☼

 

ah much much happier today! was really busy at work but it was such a nice bright day and i was in a meadow for most of it

have a day off tomorrow which will definitely be nice, especially since i just got my period. i hate being away from home on the first few days

haven't weighed in for a little while so tomorrow morning that will probably happen although... period weight etc etc etc

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#13 maisonmargiela

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Posted 19 October 2020 - 12:37 PM

pintsized, on 17 Oct 2020 - 4:58 PM, said:

Sorry about your leg! I think I hurt myself too walking in bad shoes. Walks are what I look forward to nowadays :/

 

my dad keeps blaming it on my shoes!! i guess maybe because i've switched to mostly wearing boots now they're a little different than summery shoes, but they're just oldish chelsea boots, no real reason why they'd all of a sudden cause pain i don't think... 

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#14 maisonmargiela

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Posted 20 October 2020 - 12:05 PM

☼ 20.10.2020 ☼

 

 

spanish omelette, 271 cal

chilli, 449 cal

lotus biscuits, 70 cal

 

 

☼ total 790 cal ☼

 

very very lazy day today. like the main activity of my day was taking a bath, lol. i did weigh in this morning and my weight is the same

i was hoping to be down since i've been restricting and been active but it's probably period related. i'll be working tomos, but idk for how long

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#15 maisonmargiela

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Posted 21 October 2020 - 12:42 PM

☼ 21.10.2020 ☼

 

avocado, hummus and cucumber sandwich, 325 cals

croquettes, 175 cal

gyoza, 189 cal

slice of bread, 80 cal

lotus biscuits, 70 cal

2 satsumas, 76 cal

 

 

☼ total 914 cal ☼

 

good evening! i'm finished the current project i'm working on so i won't be out of the house at lunch time meaning no more sandwiches!!!!!

i got so nauseous this morning and my mum kind of pulled me up on skipping breakfast so i will try having oatmeal tomorrow and see how i go

starting to get freaked out about covid... it really seems we are due for another long lockdown. ughhhh

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#16 pintsized

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Posted 21 October 2020 - 12:50 PM

Another lockdown makes me nervous too 😔

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#17 nayeons

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Posted 22 October 2020 - 01:37 AM

i'm with you on the lockdown fear, my mental health was so bad last lockdown that i've become truly terrified of another one. i don't see the point, the last lockdown clearly didn't work. i just want to keep going to work and seeing my friends :/

 

i love seeing a good old british roast dinner on here! they're so nice. i also want gyoza now, whereabouts do you get yours from/what brand are they?

following, hope you have a fab day today <3

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#18 maisonmargiela

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Posted 22 October 2020 - 02:22 AM

pintsized, on 21 Oct 2020 - 12:50 PM, said:

Another lockdown makes me nervous too

  

nayeons, on 22 Oct 2020 - 01:37 AM, said:

i'm with you on the lockdown fear, my mental health was so bad last lockdown that i've become truly terrified of another one. i don't see the point, the last lockdown clearly didn't work. i just want to keep going to work and seeing my friends :/
 
i love seeing a good old british roast dinner on here! they're so nice. i also want gyoza now, whereabouts do you get yours from/what brand are they?
following, hope you have a fab day today <3

yeah it really seems like they are trying so hard to put off another lockdown, which i think will just make it longer when it eventually comes:/

i have a couple brands of gyoza! the ones i had last night are from sainsbury's in the frozen party food section, and itsu also sell their own brand apparently in all stores but i've only ever seen them in waitrose which i dont regularly go to ;_; they are great if you can find them though

thank you so much, same to you!! <3

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#19 maisonmargiela

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Posted 22 October 2020 - 12:16 PM

☼ 22/10/2020 ☼

 

 

half the oatmeal, 140 cals

egg poached in tomato sauce with beans, 309 cals

rice and guacamole, 330 cals

lotus biscuits, 70 cals

 

 

☼ total 849 cals ☼

 

that oatmeal was just horribleee  i've had it for a while now and was so excited to try it, it's supposed to be blueberry, cranberry and acai but it was so bland

luckily my lunch was yummyyyy also i'm going to be baking and sending out cookies to some of my friends and my boyfriend which is great

cos i love baking but obviously.. don't want to eat. lol. 

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#20 maisonmargiela

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Posted 23 October 2020 - 01:46 PM

☼ 23.10.2020 ☼

 

 

tortilla pizza, 313 cals

falafels, 302 cals

salad, 150 cals

lotus biscuits, 70 cals

 

☼ total 836 cals ☼

 

hiiii i hope you're all well. i think mpa is fucked because i don't get notifications for peoples accountabilites anymore? last time i did this i literally got spammed so idk whats up

i ordered the falafel and the salad from a turkish place, honestly i'm probably way underestimating the falafel (there were only 3) but it's fine

also, i did have a photo but imgur keeps fucking up and not posting my resized one so i just gave up lol

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Posted 02 January 2021 - 08:36 PM

u being a whole chef and me having fries and chicken nuggies everyday im   !!!

teach me

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#122 gold gun kitten

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Posted 02 January 2021 - 09:29 PM

your meals always look so yum! i can tell you put the time & effort. looks the vegan diet is going well so far!

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#123 maisonmargiela

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Posted 03 January 2021 - 02:23 PM

fleur!, on 02 Jan 2021 - 8:36 PM, said:

u being a whole chef and me having fries and chicken nuggies everyday im   !!!

teach me

 

wildlovefox, on 02 Jan 2021 - 9:29 PM, said:

your meals always look so yum! i can tell you put the time & effort. looks the vegan diet is going well so far!

 

thank you guyssss       i do LOVE cooking and i mostly have so much free time atm i get lots of time to focus on it!!

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#124 maisonmargiela

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Posted 03 January 2021 - 02:36 PM

☼ 03.01.2021 ☼

 

 

banana bread, 106 cals

tofu scramble, 194 cals

cherry tomatoes, 14 cals

mini wrap, 93 cals

pasta, 161 cals

vegan meatballs, 122 cals

carrots, 14 cals

mushrooms, 10 cals

chopped tomatoes, 24 cals

stock, 17 cals

vegan chocolate, 156 cals

 

 

☼ total 932 cals ☼

 

tbh even though i'm eating way under maintenance i can't shake the feeling i'm overeating lately, i think because of sweets and the volume of some vegetable based meals

i didn't want to bake banana bread but my dad asked me to lol u.u but soon everything will be back to normal. i think i'm actually building muscle. 

bc my weight on the scale isn't really changing but i tried a skirt on that isn't even old and it was huge, i'll post in a spoiler. i can't really explain this well, but it's like my waist is shrinking, but my actual tummy stays looking so bloated. my mum found a skirt that used to fit me when i was 17 and told me to try it on because she keeps pointing out my weight loss and that fits too, but i still look bloated... it has ALWAYS been like this, i think my stomach poking out when wearing a leotard is what fucked me up body image wise as a kid. but still, i'm glad something is changing. i've just been doing pretty basic barre work and pilates everyday for less than 30 mins and it seems to be having an effect. 

 

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#125 avocadonurse

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Posted 04 January 2021 - 10:38 AM

woooooah huge difference! u look great! we're almost outta the extra food phase of winter, just a little longer ♡♡♡

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#126 maisonmargiela

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Posted 04 January 2021 - 02:26 PM

☼ 04.01.2021 ☼

 

 

banana bread, 106 cals

udon soup, 213 cals

quorn chicken, 78 cals

dark chocolate, 65 cals

clementine, 35 cals

rice, 213 cals

chilli, 139 cals

lotus, 70 cals

 

 

☼ total 920 cals ☼

 

sighhh another lockdown just got announced

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#127 maisonmargiela

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Posted 04 January 2021 - 02:30 PM

avocadonurse, on 04 Jan 2021 - 10:38 AM, said:

woooooah huge difference! u look great! we're almost outta the extra food phase of winter, just a little longer ♡♡♡

 

thank you so much!! ugh i can't wait seriously

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#128 maisonmargiela

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Posted 05 January 2021 - 04:11 PM

☼ 05.01.2021 ☼

 

banana bread, 106 cals

waffles, 300 cals

dark choc, 66 cals

gyoza, 144 cals

olive oil, 40 cals

mushrooms, 10 cals

pepper, 19 cals

onion, 15 cals

nooch, 17 cals

penne, 240 cals

clementine, 35 cals

lotus, 70 cals

 

☼ total 1062 ☼

 

idk why i needed quite so much sugar today.???

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#129 maisonmargiela

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Posted 07 January 2021 - 01:27 PM

☼ 06.01.2021 ☼

 

smoothie, 99 cals

penne, 320 cals

quorn, 78 cals

nooch, 17 cals

protein bar, 229 cals

clementine, 35 cals

vegan mince, 90 cals

thai paste, 10 cals

coconut milk, 17 cals

udon, 148 cals

brown sugar, 11 cals

edamame, 32 cals

oreos, 228 cals

 

☼ total 1315 cals ☼

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#130 maisonmargiela

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Posted 07 January 2021 - 01:35 PM

☼ 07.01.2021 ☼

 

 

soup, 153 cals

croutons (?), 98 cals

clementine, 35 cals

lotus, 70 cals

bucatini, 295 cals

olive oil, 40 cals

ragu, 158 cals

popcorn, 62 cals

 

 

☼ total 911 cals ☼

 

insane year already. stress ate leftover pasta last night whilst watching the news lol

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#131 maisonmargiela

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Posted 08 January 2021 - 01:10 PM

☼ 08.01.2021 ☼

 

 

ants climbing trees, 297 cals

gyoza, 297 cals

clementine, 35 cals

oreos, 114 cals

daal, 127 cals

popcorn, 61 cals

 

 

☼ total 829 cals ☼

 

ugh currently waiting in a webchat asking where a bag i ordered is... hate being a karen but hate paying postage on stuff that doesnt arrive even more!!

i haven't been weighing myself lately, not really sure why but i'm a bit scared to step on the scale atm

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#132 maisonmargiela

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Posted 09 January 2021 - 02:07 PM

☼ 09.01.2021 ☼

 

 

toast, 196 cals

marmite, 10 cals

protein oats, 303 cals

clementine, 35 cals

lotus, 70 cals

udon ramen, 292 cals

popcorn, 61 cals

 

 

☼ total 978 cals ☼

 

omg i got some vegan protein powder and made oats and they were just. not good. you can see how puffy and weird they are in the pic, that's because i accidently added a whole scoop when i probably should have at least halved that, so i only ate half of what's in the bowl 

ramen was great doe

 

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#133 maisonmargiela

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Posted 10 January 2021 - 04:07 PM

☼ 10.01.2021 ☼

 

frozen berries, 46 cals

tomato soup, 196 cals

toast, 98 cals

nut roast, 220 cals

potatoes, 213 cals

carrots, 25 cals

cauliflower, 13 cals

olive oil, 119 cals

popcorn, 62 cals

 

 

☼ total 993 cals ☼

 

today was cute! i got some new shirts and went on a nice walk, tried and failed to make protein powder pancakes that were trashed, and made some scones for my grandmas

tomorrow i'm gonna order all the new vegan subway stuff to try for lunch AND i should also receive a handbag in the mail that was £80 but they refunded me??? so thats v cool

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#134 maisonmargiela

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Posted 11 January 2021 - 02:09 PM

hi all, just switched isp so i cant access mpa on my computer until the account owner switches off child safe lock. im trying to think of an excuse to ask haha.

i ate 903 cals and feel pretty good!

i also wanted to ask if anyone is in a discord server that isn't weird (like isnt super pro ana throwback), if so please share!

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#135 gold gun kitten

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Posted 11 January 2021 - 07:00 PM

ahhh i hope you get access back! i live for your yummy food photos lol

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#136 pintsized

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Posted 14 January 2021 - 08:18 PM

Your waist looks so tiny! I feel u about the bloat (though you don't look it)!

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#137 maisonmargiela

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Posted 21 January 2021 - 04:16 PM

still not able to post really so i think when i get back i will probably just start a fresh thread? Since the title here is pretty dated now!

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#138 maisonmargiela

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Posted 01 October 2021 - 08:48 AM

i got access back    lol but idk if i can be bothered with an accountability thread anymore! at the moment at least!

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littlelibrarian

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Posted 06 January 2022 - 10:21 AM

No not at all I'd guess your bmi to be 20-21 which is a big difference from 24-28

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#22 Hollowanaangel

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Posted 11 January 2022 - 03:47 PM

Neither overweight not underweight

Normal and healthy bmi

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#23 ¡! angel

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Posted 11 January 2022 - 03:54 PM

are there any good opticians near you?

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#24 AskedForCakeGotKaleInstead

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Posted 13 January 2022 - 07:38 PM

They obviously don’t know how to guess bmi.

I would say 18-20 for you, you are gorgeous oml

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#25 Seal with a Meal

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Posted 13 January 2022 - 09:48 PM

no way 24-28!!!!! At 21 BMI I looked a lot larger than you

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#26 calorieph0bic

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Posted 13 January 2022 - 09:59 PM

Not at all

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#27 fearlesspotato

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Posted 14 January 2022 - 04:49 AM

Girl you look in the 19s

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#28 pink_mess

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Posted 14 January 2022 - 05:45 AM

Who did you ask?? Someone outside the ed community I guess? They probably just don't how bmis look like.... Im around bmi 29 and Im triple your size, lol.
And if it was someone IN the community, then jealousy maybe...?

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#29 __.angel____._

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Posted 14 January 2022 - 06:05 AM

no fucking way, they were either clueless or intentionally trying to trigger you. 

 

 

I was gonna guess you in the 19's 

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lw: 37.8kg, 15.1

hw: 52kg , 20.8

 

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#30 robolokidA

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Posted 14 January 2022 - 08:08 AM

Absoulutely no! You don't look overweight at all, you look amazing (Not to be a creep)! Who ever told you this has no idea about BMI's and stuff. You look way less than 24-28, I would say about 18-19 BMI. 

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#31 StrungOut

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Posted 16 January 2022 - 02:45 PM

My mom is BMI 24. Would be wrong to upload a photo of her but trust me you look far, far from that range! Maybe around 18ish?

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#32 Endlesspit

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Posted 17 January 2022 - 01:47 AM

19-20

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do i look overweight please be honest...

Started by baby scars ♡, Dec 30 2021 01:07 PM

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#1 baby scars ♡

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Posted 30 December 2021 - 01:07 PM

i asked someone to guess my bmi and they said 24-28 and now i'm freaking out bc i totally see it(my chest, stomach, hips, and face)

i'm 5'4/162cm

 

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sw: 49.5 | cw: ? | ugw: 72lbs(32.6kg)

 

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#2 skinnyjulia

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Posted 30 December 2021 - 01:11 PM

jesus christ… 24-28? i really hope they are just extremely clueless when it comes to bmis and that it is not them trying to harm you in a way.. i am horrible at guessing bmis myself but you look absolutely NO WHERE near there.. also, 24-28 is quite a large range to give someone so i highly doubt they know anything about bmis… you have a GORGEOUS figure.

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#3 fatty piggy

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Posted 30 December 2021 - 01:12 PM

not at all, ur goals 

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{A dairy of me daily getting even fatter}

 

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#4 slimmypretzel

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Posted 30 December 2021 - 01:25 PM

24-28 WTF? you have a really good body line (also in a non creepy way - your boobs are really perky, so jealous!) 

I agree with the comment above saying whoever told you this probably has no concept of BMI....24-28 is a quite a difference. It's difficult to tell you BMI just from your torso but I'd say 20-21. Maybe 22 but you're wearing a hoodie and pyjama pants so I can't tell how big your ribcage is or what your legs look like. But yeah, you look really good and well proportioned. Whoever guessed your BMI is an idiot lol

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'98
5'5

hw 141lbs
cw 106lbs [26/DEC/2021]
gw 110lbs
gw2 106lbs
ugw 103lbs

[the scary ugw: 99lbs]
lw 75lbs
 

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#5 starvingangelalways

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Posted 30 December 2021 - 01:36 PM

whoever said that has no idea about BMI's , you look great and certainly not overweight at all

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cw: 140  gw1: 138  gw2: 124  gw3: 114  gw4: 110  gw5: 100 gw6: 98 ugw: 95

 

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#6 rice_cake_queen

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Posted 30 December 2021 - 01:42 PM

Definitely not. You do however, have big boobs (not a bad thing) and there some people who equate that to being overweight

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#7 nanallia

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Posted 30 December 2021 - 01:46 PM

There's no way your bmi is 24-28. Its less

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#8 stonescold

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Posted 30 December 2021 - 05:05 PM

No way

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#9 GraveMortal

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Posted 30 December 2021 - 07:19 PM

Not at all. They are dumb. 😂 I would guess 19-20 tops. I’ve had people guess much higher than my BMI is here too and it triggered me so bad.

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5’ 7.5” ~ 101 lbs
Current BMI: 15.6
Goal BMI: 15
Ultimate Goal BMI: 14
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#10 rotten-baby

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Posted 30 December 2021 - 07:42 PM

No, if I had to guess I'd say 18 to 19.5?? That person is just dumb, but I see loads of people guessing bmis completely incorrectly so I wouldn't take it too personally, I think some people with EDs get a warped idea of what different bmis look like.

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  -ˋˏ ⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘[ Kez ,  16 ,  ENTP 7w6 ]⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘ ˎˊ-

 

 

Hey!! My name is Kiera and I've had an ED since i was 12, i also have emerging bpd and c-ptsd

but im doing alright <3 I used to be addicted to drugs and alcohol and I've been in the care system

so with all my issues i want to work past it, live a normal life and try to help others.

My goal in life is to be a journalist on the telly so I'm working hard

and trying not to be too much of a fuck up. I still have an ED but one day I will get better.

I like music, drawing, fashion and writing! I'm quite boring really but i dunno

love you all like family pls stay safe!!

 

 

 ╭────────────── Stats ──────────────╮
 ┊               154cm               ┊
     ┊              bmi 14.4             ┊    
        ┊        hw 53 kg - gw 30kg         ┊       
 ┊    b/p, restriction, exercise     ┊

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#11 SomewhereOutThere

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Posted 31 December 2021 - 12:51 PM

Absolutely not

Sometimes people make the most wack guesses


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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#12 matchadolly

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Posted 31 December 2021 - 12:54 PM

no

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#13 danainwonderland

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Posted 31 December 2021 - 03:40 PM

not even close. the person who said 24-28 is delusional

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23 yo, she/her

EDNOS/OSFED (diagnosed oct. 2017)

Relapse nr. idefk anymore lmao

Given up on trying to recover, ever.

 

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I'm gonna lose the weight again. I must. 

        

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- fit back into my old favorite jeans
- have my weight loss be noticed by someone outside of my family
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#14 baby scars ♡

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Posted 31 December 2021 - 08:49 PM

lol ty for all the comments. i finally got to check my weight and idk how accurate it is bc (tmi) no b/m but my bmi is 18.7 supposedly. i still hateeee how i carry my weight tho + the numbers 24-28 r gonna haunt me for the rest of the new year

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#15 passages malibu

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Posted 02 January 2022 - 02:31 PM

nope

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#16 gotosleep

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Posted 02 January 2022 - 03:00 PM

i would guess 20 or so! not even close to overweight. but tbh i wouldn’t post pics in baggy PJ pants bc that might be why you are getting higher guesses

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#17 gotosleep

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Posted 02 January 2022 - 03:04 PM

baby scars ♡, on 31 Dec 2021 - 8:49 PM, said:

lol ty for all the comments. i finally got to check my weight and idk how accurate it is bc (tmi) no b/m but my bmi is 18.7 supposedly. i still hateeee how i carry my weight tho + the numbers 24-28 r gonna haunt me for the rest of the new year

just saw this update. i think it’s bc of the baggy PJ pants, remember that people wear those things to hide how skinny they are  and also you are a little curvy like me, ppl are used to stick figures but some of us will never be

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#18 isabella ♥

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Posted 02 January 2022 - 04:17 PM

clearly they know nothing about bmi’s ! you don’t look anything like a 24 - 28

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#19 thereisafuturex

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Posted 06 January 2022 - 08:06 AM

You definitely don't look overweight

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5'4   180, 170, 160, 150, 140, 130, 120, 110, 100, ?
 

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#20 foreigngirl

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Posted 06 January 2022 - 09:39 AM

Not at all. I'd guess around BMI 19-20.

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85 kg to at least 60 kg (CW: 77.2)

Started by pink_mess, Jan 16 2022 09:26 AM

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#1 pink_mess

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Posted 16 January 2022 - 09:26 AM

Ok. Enough is enough. Finally starting my accountability and hope it will motivate me.

 

I’ve been this weight for about 3 years. My HW. I try, I really try... but I also really strugle with BED right now. I lose 5 kgs then I gain them back, I lose them and so on. I want to break this cycle.

________

 

Little summary of my disordered eating and a weight history:

 

I was a super skinny child, classmates called me skeleton. I was used to eat whatever and whenever (but looking back, it wasn’t really that much and I was super active so that explains it). Then puberty came and took me by surprise a little. I was still eating what I wanted, chips for breakfest, mcdonald almost every day of the week aaand of course it showed. I was 16 years old and 58 kg when I realized I’m getting a bit chubby and that’s where it all started. My relationship with food was never the same. I was quickly falling into dangerous habits. The less I ate and the smaller the number on the scale was, the more proud and happy I was. I would mostly just drink energy drinks during the day and eat a piece of fruit/veg or egg for dinner.
I got to 49 kgs when people around me started to worry, so I started to eat but... I couldn’t eat normally, I was bingeing. Before, it was my succes at loosing that comforted me, now it was food. I ate when I was happy, I ate when I was sad, depressed, anxious, food was all of the sudden everything for me. So I gained. I think to 65 kg? Then something clicked again and I lost again. Again completely obssesing about calories and numbers. I got to 53 kg this time.
Then I met my narcissistic (now ex-)boyfriend and in the span of our 4year relationship I gained to 85 kgs. He used to tell me how I was "too skinny" and was constantly feeding me fast food. And no, he wasn’t a feeder in the sexual sense, he just didn’t want me to be attractive to other people, he was crazy jealous (he also didn’t like my clothes, my nails, my make-up, I had to "explain" myself everytime I would wear a lipstick or darker eyeshadow etc). It was obviously very dark period of my life, I was depressed more than usual - I had anxiety and depressive episodes before, so I was already taking medication, but this was another level completely. It was also the time when I was suicidal and when I started self-harming (at the "beautiful" age of 26, wow). So my doctor upped my dosage of mirtazapine (if someone actually reads it and you don’t know what mirtazapine does, it increases appetite like crazy), plus after some time I even started smoking weed to cope and... the munchies for me are also insane.

So here I am. For 3 years I’ve been around 85 kgs. And I really don’t want to be this fat anymore.

________

 

My stats:

age: 30

height: 170 cm (5’7)
weight: around 85 kg (187 lbs), will weigh myself tomorow to know exactly.

 

________

I’ll try to add some pictures later as well (if I figure out how)

________

 

Also sorry for any mistakes, english is my 2nd language and this was quite a lot to write.

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HW: 85 kg/187 lbs
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CW: 🐘

 

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#2 pink_mess

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Posted 17 January 2022 - 01:14 AM

So I stepped on the scale this morning and I think I cried some happy tears, lol.

 

I was so sure I’ve gained over christmas (I was 82 kg before) but apparently no? Which is kind of a christmas miracle because I had weed again and stuffed my face all day long for the whole week between Christmas and New Year.

 

But I am 81,0 kg (178,6 lbs) !

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HW: 85 kg/187 lbs
LW: 49 kg/108 lbs
CW: 🐘

 

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#3 pink_mess

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Posted 17 January 2022 - 02:11 AM

Curiously, I was never really into body check pics... but then again - when I first started, it was before phones with good cameras, so maybe thats why? You can see an old ass regular camera in the first pic. Also I was Hannah Montana, ok? xD For a costume event I mean...

 

So this was around 2009/2010, first time losing, my LW:

 

 

 

Second time, 2016:

 

 

 

And this is what I look like now, around my HW...

 

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#4 pink_mess

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Posted 17 January 2022 - 02:28 AM

I have been restricting for about a week now, trying to stay around (or preferably under) 1200 kcal.
Still taking mirtazapine but trying my best to fight of the cravings.

 

calories yesterday: 811

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CW: 🐘

 

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#5 pink_mess

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Posted 18 January 2022 - 05:30 AM

calories yesterday: 1034

 

I had a pizza yesterday which was planned and calculated. But it is a slippery slope for me because once I allow myself one of my favorite foods, it is really hard to stop and not binge afterwards. I managed to resist this time though and I am honestly kinda proud of myself 
 

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HW: 85 kg/187 lbs
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CW: 🐘

 

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#6 pink_mess

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Posted 19 January 2022 - 01:17 AM

calories yesterday: 512

 

I made shirataki noodles yesterday, haven’t had a positive experience with them before but mixing them with normal noodles in the ratio of 2:1 actually made them semi-bearable.

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HW: 85 kg/187 lbs
LW: 49 kg/108 lbs
CW: 🐘

 

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#7 pink_mess

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Posted 20 January 2022 - 01:23 AM

calories yesterday: 706

 

Today I will go higher with the calories so I can maybe keep the binge at bay for longer.

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#8 pink_mess

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Posted 21 January 2022 - 02:47 AM

calories yesterday: 1217

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#9 pink_mess

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Posted 22 January 2022 - 04:20 AM

calories yesterday: 667

 

I need to start going to the gym again. I could not bring myself to get a membership yet because I’m worried I would for sure give off the vibe of  "argh, another fat f*ck coming to the gym in january because of their short lived new years resolution"

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#10 pink_mess

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Posted 23 January 2022 - 04:38 AM

calories yesterday: 76

 

I wasn’t really hungry yesterday? So I just had matcha tea and some vitamins. Today I’m getting cake though, we celebrate my moms birthday.

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#11 pink_mess

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Posted 24 January 2022 - 02:01 AM

01/23: 952 cals

01/24: 821 cals

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#12 pink_mess

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Posted 26 January 2022 - 02:32 AM

calories yesterday: 889

 

weight (1/26/2022): 78.7 kg (173.5 lbs)

 

 

Going smoothly so far, but I have lost before to this weight and it’s usually around 77/78 kg when I mess up and gain again... Hopefully not this time.

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#13 pink_mess

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Posted 28 January 2022 - 03:08 AM

1/26: 1046 cals

1/27: 877 cals

 

I got my booster on the 26th and felt like shit for the past two days. I also really wanted to binge. And since I had no real binge food at home, I opened my 7 years old candy canes, that I used solely as a decoration every christmas... I ate like 80 grams of it in the afternoon and then luckily fell asleep... and slept until the next day, so no real damage was made and I managed to fit into my calorie limit.

 

But damn, I still feel so bad after that shot. I had no problem with my first shot, I had slighty raised temperature after the second one and now, after the third one, I had a fever of 39,5°C (let me look up the conversion.. 103°F?).

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#14 pink_mess

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Posted 29 January 2022 - 01:14 AM

calories yesterday: 412

 

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#15 pink_mess

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Posted 29 January 2022 - 07:13 AM

I get soooo hangry... Just one little inconvinience and I would stab someone... Obviously not really, I would just binge, good thing I am at work and I have no food here. Because I.am.so.mad.right.now.

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#16 pink_mess

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Posted 30 January 2022 - 01:11 AM

calories yesterday: 1006

 

Made myself a pretty big dinner yesterday but felt full halfway through eating, so I stopped like a normal person would and saved the rest for breakfest.

Thankfully my mood was better in the evening.

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#17 pink_mess

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Posted 02 February 2022 - 01:54 AM

Not surprisingly, my eating got a little bit out of hand. And it’s the exact same pattern as always. 78 kg, everytime I hit that mark, my body is like "nope, not doing this anymore".

I was eating around 2500 cals the past three days, which is not horrible (really, I used to be able eating like twice that in one sitting) but not great either obviously.

I will weigh myself at Friday and see how badly I messed up.

I am still determined to continue though, ... and I will sign up for the gym this month.

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#18 pink_mess

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Posted 03 February 2022 - 12:52 AM

calories yesterday: 1116

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#19 pink_mess

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Posted 07 February 2022 - 04:19 AM

Sooo... yesterday I cried because my old shoes wont fit and then binged on pasta, chocolate and potato chips. Because that makes sense.

 

And yes, I said shoes. I already made my peace with me not fitting in most (all) of my old clothes... but fucking shoes??? My feet got fat?! How.

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#20 pink_mess

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Posted 10 February 2022 - 04:45 AM

Finally got my ass to the gym.

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Posted 14 February 2022 - 03:35 AM

Weight today: 78.9 kg (173.9 lbs)

 

Calories past week:

 

02/06: 2549

02/07: 2577

02/08: 1878

02/09: 1407

02/10: 1540

02/11: 1370

02/12: 1679

02/13: 1720

 

The weight is not going down, and I get why. But even these disgustingly high numbers took so much effort. I am so mad at my body. And so mad I need that damn mirtazapine. I am thinking about food 24/7, every meal I fight with myself and with the urge to binge like there is no tomorrow.

I WILL probably binge today, I am just tired... I want lasagna and chocolate and roasted potatoes...

 

 

__________

 

So much for the "totally losing the weight this time", "I won't be this fat anymore", "Sure, it didn't work out the first 15678 tries but this time it magically will!"

 

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#22 pink_mess

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Posted 15 February 2022 - 07:11 AM

So I went to the gym yesterday. And right after that (like the clown I am) I went to buy my binge food. It was over 4500 cals but I feel... much calmer. Maybe by finally satisfaying my cravings it will be easier to restrict again...? At least for a few days (let me tell myself this lie)

 

This is what I had:

 

- 400 g of lasagna with extra cheese

- Milka chocolate

- KFC's twister and 8 pieces of chicken strips

- Mcdonalds' Big tasty bacon and McFlurry (yep, I walked in there with a bag of KFC in my hand and felt no shame, lol)

- two litres of REGULAR coke

_________

 

And to make this post less disgusting, here is a picture of my cat (which I didn't eat, for the record)

 

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#23 pink_mess

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Posted 01 March 2022 - 11:39 AM

I am doing really bad mentally. I have been really depressed about my upcoming 31st birthday. I haven't even processed not being in my 20s anymore and yet another year has passed already? I just feel like a such huge failure, in all aspects of life. And it really hits different in the 30s... like before I felt like there is still time for things to turn around. I was still young with a future ahead of me. Now everything feels much more permanent. I was really deep in the dark thoughts one day and even self-harmed after not doing that for over a year.

I have been quickly cured of that depression though as my crippling anxiety kicked in instead. Because apparently, war is happening now. I am living in central europe so I am not directly affected yet but with the recent nuclear threats... it's not looking good for any of us.

 

But weight is going down, so that's good I guess.

 

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#24 Anna2016

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Posted 02 March 2022 - 07:52 PM

You can do this!!🥰🥰

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<p>My accountability journal: https://bit.ly/2A53rkX

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Posted 03 March 2022 - 01:51 PM

following!!!

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If you have to ask, you will never know. If you know, you need only ask.

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#26 pink_mess

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Posted 06 March 2022 - 06:10 AM

Anna2016, on 02 Mar 2022 - 7:52 PM, said:

You can do this!!

 

ulzzang.body, on 03 Mar 2022 - 1:51 PM, said:

following!!!

Thank you both for commenting, appreciate it! 

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#27 pink_mess

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Posted 06 March 2022 - 06:11 AM

I still have pretty bad anxiety but it didn't affect my binge eating as bad as I thought it would. I've been able to eat between 1000 and 1400 cals the past few days, only yesterday ended up in a binge that was 3000 cals. Today I will hopefully manage to fast, to balance it out.

I work 12 hour shifts and it's on my work days when I'm able to restrict more easily - only eating dinner after I come home. The work-free days are struggle though because I have nothing to occupy myself with... I even thought about finding myself a second job for this reason, lol.

 

Anyway. Yesterday's weight, before the binge: 77.2 (170.2 lbs)

 

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#28 pink_mess

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Posted 09 March 2022 - 08:24 AM

 

Weight this morning: 76.3 kg (168.3 lbs)

 

Don't know if I trust that number though, I pooped a lot yesterday

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#29 pink_mess

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Posted 04 April 2022 - 09:35 AM

I've been a bad girl, daddy  .

 

Since my last update on here I lost another 0.5 kg

 

... BUT THEN...

 

I treated myself with weed for my birthday and of course it was a disaster. Of course I've binged and of course I've gained... I just don't know how much. And I don't want to know. I guess I want to not weigh myself right now, try to low restrict for a while, then weigh myself and pretend like nothing ever happened. Life hack.

 

(and also, by "my birthday" I mean the actual day + another two weeks because why not)

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#30 pink_mess

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Posted 13 April 2022 - 04:04 AM

I had shirataki noodles for dinner yesterday. I have such a weird relationship with them. The first few bites are always alright, almost good, but then something happens and my stomach starts to riot. Like if my body suddenly realizes it is NOT FOOD. Maybe next time I'll try the rice version so I don't have to chew it.

 

pic of said culinary masterpiece:

 

 

__________

 

My restricting is going quite well so far. It's not exactly low-restricting as I initially wanted (surprise, surprise) but i manage to stay around 750-1100 kcal a day.

 

Still haven't weigh myself though, maybe next week... if I muster the courge.

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#31 pink_mess

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Posted 14 April 2022 - 07:55 AM

I was browsing summer dresses today and damn I'm triggered. I want to wear them so badly but it would look like shit on me.

 

Cucumber for dinner it is then...

 

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