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#22 
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Posted 19 April 2022 - 07:21 AM
rotten_apple, on 19 Apr 2022 - 12:03 AM, said:
- b/p session. Because at this point maybe this is the solution
And now I feel nauseous and I'm hungry again. Because I'm a piece of s*it.
conosco fin troppo bene la sensazione :c mi dispiace che oggi sia andata a finire cosรฌ
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#23
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Posted 20 April 2022 - 05:11 AM
CW: s*x, k*nk
Finally saw him again. Long story short, we were continuously interrupted but I had the best s*x of my entire life. I'm speechless. It was amazing. Also, I almost fainted when he choked me and I loved it.
I'm absolutely blissful. Dehydrated from all the wine I had later (and I hate myself for it), but I feel absolutely blissful. And it surpasses the shame of being touched in the point I hate the most, my stomach. Also, this morning the scale has finally shown me a 4. I had lots of water and ate a protein bar this morning, and my current weight is 49.8 kg.
Recap.
Yesterday.
- breakfast: coffee
- lunch: a protein bar because apparently I want to be fat
- b/p session. Because at this point maybe this is the solution
- dinner: a bottle of wine. I managed not to eat anything until I started feeling too nauseous, at that point I had some taralli. I left the olives and the peanuts and didn't have anything solid until this morning.
I'm seeing him again later, I'll bring my laptop so I can study. He really liked my outfit yesterday, but I think he's going to like this one more.
I look awfully fat and this photo is so gross, lol. Ugh.
Today.
- breakfast: one protein bar
- lunch: binged just so I could purge, it's impressive how my stomach went from exploding to being almost flat, I was so scared seeing how bloated I looked before vomiting. Not sure I managed to get everything out but ok.
- dinner: nothing, even though I was really craving some udon noodles. Had he offered me to eat at the restaurant I would have ordered them, but no.
Edited by rotten_apple, 20 April 2022 - 12:49 PM.
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#24
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Posted 20 April 2022 - 07:18 AM
frozenyogurt, on 19 Apr 2022 - 07:21 AM, said:
conosco fin troppo bene la sensazione :c mi dispiace che oggi sia andata a finire cosรฌ
Mi sono ricordata ora che volevo contattarti per dirti di Of Herbs and Altars, sono entrata nel tunnel anche io. 
Con un anno di ritardo, ma sto guardando tutti i suoi video sul Nostalgia Project. E' una sorta di hate-watching perchรฉ รจ evidente che era molto orgogliosa (si identificava ancora come donna, se non ricordo male?) di tutto ciรฒ di cui parla quando racconta delle sue esperienze nelle fasi acute dei disturbi alimentari (mi sa che stanno parlando qui di un video in particolare che mi ha molto infastidita), cosa che comunque posso capire. Perรฒ wow, ci sono alcuni momenti in cui, per quanto abbia avuto delle esperienze completamente diverse (io i ritrovi e le occasioni sociali, le foto da goth figa ecc. potevo solo sognarle, le relazioni idem) mi rivedo perfettamente in quello che dice... mi sono segnata una citazione che prima o poi sbatterรฒ su qualche post di Instagram (prima o poi: fra oggi e domenica). Credo che ne abbia fatto un libro poi o ricordo male? Se รจ cosรฌ devo comprarlo.
#25
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Posted 20 April 2022 - 04:34 PM
rotten_apple, on 20 Apr 2022 - 07:18 AM, said:
Mi sono ricordata ora che volevo contattarti per dirti di Of Herbs and Altars, sono entrata nel tunnel anche io.
il libro รจ ancora in stesura e anche io lo comprerรฒ ovviamente! sรฌ sono d'accordo, romanticizza molto quel periodo ma non me la sento di biasimarla perchรฉ lo faccio anche io (seppur solo nella mia testa e non su youtube). qual รจ la citazione? ora mi hai fatto venire voglia di riascoltarmi tutto il nostalgia project ♡
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#26
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Posted 21 April 2022 - 01:42 AM
frozenyogurt, on 20 Apr 2022 - 4:34 PM, said:
il libro รจ ancora in stesura e anche io lo comprerรฒ ovviamente! sรฌ sono d'accordo, romanticizza molto quel periodo ma non me la sento di biasimarla perchรฉ lo faccio anche io (seppur solo nella mia testa e non su youtube). qual รจ la citazione? ora mi hai fatto venire voglia di riascoltarmi tutto il nostalgia project ♡
"I didn't rate myself highly enough to be worth what I was putting him through. I never felt like I mattered to anyone, not really. Not unless it was a transaction: sex. I always, always, my whole life, only trusted friendships based on sex. Honestly, I reckon I was - and am - completely right. (...) Love is a transaction, I thought. Sex is the price you pay for everything else. When you stop paying in sex, you go into debt."
E poi tutto quello che dice sul fatto di aver lasciato il suo posto sicuro con Ash per tornare a vivere con i genitori, il conseguente ritorno alla bulimia... tutto cosรฌ relatable.
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#27
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Posted 21 April 2022 - 01:50 AM
Managed to skip dinner though I was really, really craving those udon noodles. I think I'll save my calories for them tomorrow. He asked me to come again, he's worried about something I told him last night. I'm too tired today. I barely slept and I woke up with a headache. Craving something sweet I can't even remember. I wanted to let the scale decide whether I should have breakfast or not, but I was feeling too weak so I dragged myself to the kitchen and made myself some toasted bread and an americano. Then I sat on the sofa for a while. Now I'm back in my room and I think I'll try to take a nap. Maybe.
It's always a weird thing when you want to eat, and you eat, but at the same time you don't want to and it feels like your body couldn't take it. I ate the first slice of bread with some effort and I had to force myself to eat the second. The coffee was awful and I really didn't want it. I don't think I'll go out today.
- breakfast: two big slices of whole wheat bread, toasted, and a cup of americano (300-400)
- lunch: another slice of whole wheat bread with some fat-free cheese spread (300-400) and I hate myself for having eaten
- dinner:
my brother ate my soy burgersate more bread (200)
so I'll only have some vegetables (150) - one hour of yoga for flexibility, to burn some calories, and to keep myself awake so that I can have some diuretic herbal tea (-200)
Total: let's say 1000 calories. And I'm so ready to binge, g*ddammit.
I want to do something and I need to do something but I don't know what.
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#28
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Posted 21 April 2022 - 04:13 AM
It's a very uncomfortable feeling when people on this forum unfollow you...
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#29
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Posted 21 April 2022 - 09:01 AM
Thought about That Person again and now my head is spinning. I want to b/p.
Made me give
Your silver grin
Still sticking it in
Soul machine
Peeling furniture days
Drift madly to you
Pollute my heart-drain
Broken me
All your mental armor drags me down
Nothing hurts like your mouth, mouth, mouth
And pretty just desserts
Wish it all for you
So much, it never hurts
Stolen me
All your mental armor drags me down
We can't breathe when you come around
All your mental armor drags me down
Nothing hurts like your mouth, mouth, mouth
Your mouth, mouth, mouth
Never found our way home
We've been missing long before
Where we'll find our way
Made me give
You have soul machine
Broken free
All your mental armor drags me down
We can't breathe when you come around
All your mental armor drags me down
Nothing hurts like your mouth, mouth, mouth
Your mouth, mouth, mouth
All your mental armor
And your mouth, mouth, mouth, mouth
Mouth, mouth, mouth, mouth
Mouth, mouth, mouth, mouth
Mouth, mouth, mouth
#30
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#31
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Posted 22 April 2022 - 12:31 AM
I still don't have the energy for anything. Maybe it's the lack of proteins or water, I don't know. I don't feel like drinking and I'm afraid of eating.
That being said, I need to train myself to do splits (both side and front) because my flexibility has gotten so bad that I can't even stretch properly. It was the easiest thing until two years ago. It's scary.
Of course I don't have the time nor the energy to do most of the things I wanted.
CW: 50.0 kg | 110 lbs
- breakfast: 200ml soy milk, two digestive cookies - hoping they'd help me with constipation... I regret not eating those vegetables...
- lunch: tofu with vegetables
- dinner: 300ml beer, 2x35gr crisps
Total: 1100
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#32
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Posted 22 April 2022 - 02:53 AM
I started feeling better while cleaning my room. I take back what I said in the last post, it's going to be fine. I don't know about lunch but the rest is going to be fine.
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#33
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Posted 23 April 2022 - 01:54 AM
I ended up having some tofu for lunch, but it took me hours before I could eat it. I read a good portion of The Hours and eventually, once I was alone, went to the pub and had dinner with a beer and some crisps. Which brought my caloric intake to 1100. I'm still very tired today, probably because of dehydration and the lack of proper sleep. I woke up at 4am and fell asleep again, now I have some errands to do. My legs hurt.
TMI:
Back to serious things... as I mentioned, today I woke up at 4am. I had breakfast with a protein bar because I was starving. I still am. I'm here sipping some Americano and I should get ready. I really don't know what I'll eat today. I shouldn't have had all those crisps last night. I'll probably have those noodles just so I can hate myself.
It really feels like a b/p day, if only I had the time.
- breakfast: one protein bar (200)
- lunch: two slices of whole wheat bread with spreadable cheese and chilli oil (300)
- dinner: ?
I'm so afraid to see how much I weigh.
[deleted]
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#34
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Posted 23 April 2022 - 03:49 AM
Me, sleep deprived, preparing my lunch: Sure it would be hilarious if this slice of bread slipped from my hand and fell on the ground now.
Guess what happened not even a second after I thought of this.
#35
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Posted 24 April 2022 - 01:08 AM
Today's weight: 50.8 kg | 111.9 lbs
Yesterday's recap.
- breakfast (at 4am): one protein bar
- lunch (at 11am): two slices of bread
- dinner (at 10pm): gnocchi with blue cheese, two slices of focaccia, two cocktails, a beer
I really wanted to fast today but I can't because my mother is home.
- breakfast: coffee
- lunch: too much pasta with tomato sauce
- dinner: boiled vegetables and a small soy burger.
Mood? More or less this.
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#36
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Posted 24 April 2022 - 02:40 AM
Not me sharing posts about how healed I am after last night (after the last week) as if I wasn't aware of how broken I'll be once the hangover will pass and as if this wasn't due to the alcohol intake and the all the attention and compliments I got from (ew) men.
I forgot my mother is home today. I don't have the strength to cook and I don't even feel like eating but something tells me I need to b/p. Everything is suddenly empty.
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#37
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Posted 24 April 2022 - 04:09 AM
[Edit:] I checked the fridge and the pantry and they're full of leftovers. I can't have the pasta because of the tomato sauce (I shouldn't have eaten it, it's part of the reason why I felt sick in the afternoon), but I need to do something about the damn cookies.
[deleted]
It's 9pm and I'm sipping fennel tea while watching YouTube videos of people who went vegan. I'm so determined to not eat meat. In memory of xlosthopex. I still feel so guilty. I wish I could have done something.
#38
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Posted 24 April 2022 - 12:36 PM
[deleted] Edit | 25.04, evening
What I eventually did about those cookies is... b/p'ing because I saw how bloated I am and I hate it. Well. Officially, I already had dinner. I'll have a protein bar in the early morning tomorrow and hopefully nothing else until dinner (...I doubt I'll actually manage to skip lunch, I'll probably have something at around 3 or 4pm). I just weighed myself and I'm back at 51.5 kg.
#40
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Posted 25 April 2022 - 11:40 PM
CW: 50.6 kg. Bloated.
Woke up very early, took a shower, did some stretching. Still feeling weak and awfully dizzy and nauseous.
[Edit since my last post wasn't published:] Spent the morning studying French, then had 300 calories of chocolate soy milk and 200 of white bread. I was planning to drink tonight but I'm afraid I've already had too many calories.
[Edit:]
- breakfast: a protein bar (190)
- lunch: a slice of bread (200), a huge glass of chocolate soy milk (300)
- afternoon: a small cinnamon roll (150-200)
- dinner: two glasses of wine (300), two servings of taralli (300), a small beer (150)
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