#129 
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Posted 14 June 2022 - 01:00 PM
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
salam, i might as well write otherwise im going to just cut myself and i can’t deal with blood and mess and tissues after it, todays evening went so bad that oh my god all because of a single uncounted mf spanish olive.. i swear if i was in another body besides my own, i would have literally strangled myself unconscious by now.
i weighed at what 37.8, but guess what? i ruined it by being offered that spanish olive and consuming it, it wasn’t because of the food itself it was because i didn’t weigh it.. i was thinking it’s just 4kcals probably, it won’t do anything, you’ll burn it off anyway, but noooo i overthought and then it led me back to where i always begin
it gets tiring because now im going to return bigger looking for my alimah classes, and i was actually excited to go because i restricted semi decent compared to when the year started, like my face despite it being ugly, looked less idk less alive if this makes sense? i have a big big problem with my face, my eyes (love hate relationship with them, my nose, my mouth, the way i speak, all of them, it hurts looking at reflections of myself whether it’s in the bus reflection or even the phones reflection heck even the computers reflection. i wish i could just have features which i wanted, not an ugly face accompanied with an even uglier body.
right now because ive reactive eaten or binge eaten, my cheeks idk feel really weirder.. bigger you could say, i hate it when these feelings of x body part feel not right, i wish i could just tear through my cheeks? or just rip apart whatever part of me feels stranger
i said it, it takes one day of reactive eating, binge eating to get back to my starting weight, and then this cycle starts again.. the cycle of hatred, feeling pathetic, the fact that due needing to complete things suffer from it, suffer from what? suffer from this disgusting feeling i feel..
i was suppose to relax today because my last AS exam ended, but now im just sitting tight waiting for tomorrow..
i don’t even want to go anywhere not even college not even outside, definitely not alimah, if it was thursday i would, so this temporary feeling would go but now that college side is practically done, i have to attend. what’s worse is that old ex friend is there and it’s literally just me and her and the teacher
this sucks so much, i know it’s just feelings and emotions and thoughts, but thoughts there’s some form of truth in it, i mean i know im ugly and disgusting, why? because i am literal proof of them.. there’s no one uglier than me. look at my friends, my ex friends, my online friends, my family , and relatives oh my days all of them mashallah are so so pretty in so many ways i find myself even envying drawings lol because honestly i can never even come close to how stunning they all look
a beautiful smile they embody
insanely beautiful eyes
a stunning face
and i guess confidence
i don’t have that, not even a nice smile, lol i have to cover my face because of my mf mouth because that’s where the shame originates from, my mouth.. i wish i had no mouth not even a voice to speak, i hate my face so much because of my mouth if only it was socially acceptable to cover your mouth with your hands whilst you speak
i honestly, i was thinking if i don’t kill myself and i die naturally, in my beliefs once you reach heaven you can have whatever you want, and that whatever can be anything like anything anything, your desire.. the only reason i want to be alive and die naturally is so that once i even ever if it’s possible to reach heaven, i want to come out looking not like the current me, but a me i aspire and dream i want to be..that kind of me that’s unrecognisable but even then what is that concept for me? look more this, look more that? be more of this? be more of that?
i mean i guess i have to wait to die in order for that to occur
anyway forget that the good things that happened was i got a position for some volunteering, i just want to ask them when can i leave and how long can will i be doing what ill be doing? i mean i don’t mind but college when it starts and ugh alimah timings
i might just fast tomorrow the whole day, atleast ill feel cleaner on thursday i hope i faint and hit my head on the road or something i guess i won’t be responsible for something which isn’t in my hands because i wasn’t conscious enough to start out anyway
[8:01pm] <~ god kill me now please please
driving - 20nd june
volunteering - 22nd june
open day uni - 23rd june
open day uni - 24th june
hidyah (MH) & usul shashi - 27th june
Q (J) & Q (A) - 28th june
mishkat (MH) & nafhatal arab - 29th june
hidayah (A) & akidah - 30th june
mishkat (A) & tajwid - 1st july
[3 days to revise]
Q (AB) & hidayah (W) - 4th july
mishkat (AB) & durus - 5th july
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#130
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Posted 14 June 2022 - 03:50 PM
Salam!
I just read through the entire thread and I have to say, I understand your pain too. Honestly the whole marriage thing pissed me off when I was your age too. I remember getting a proposal (and rejected it) at the age of 17... I hated it. I've met sooo many men and they all have such high standards: "pale, tall, confident" (and I'm none). I guess its thanks to culture that men have more privileges than women, such as being able to live alone, going out with friends, etc. I've only started being able to go out of the house alone and be able to hang out with friends recently bc mom said that I needed to be independent before I get married (getting married in november). Honestly, you're really young and shouldn't be forced into marriage if you don't want to.
I really hope your family will one day throw away this toxic thinking InshAllah. It's not Islam at all. Just plain culture. Bringing my mom to islamic lectures was the best bc she threw away this toxic mindset too very recently. Will be making lots of dua for you <3
Also, you're doing college/uni and alimah at the same time?? Girl, that's a lot! I've done only 2 years of alimah (wasn't doing school at the time) and it was hard! MashAllah! I know it's not easy, I will be rooting for you!! <3
(sorry for my long ramble)
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#131
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Posted 15 June 2022 - 04:28 AM
sleepyfaefae, on 14 Jun 2022 - 3:50 PM, said:
Salam!
I just read through the entire thread and I have to say, I understand your pain too. Honestly the whole marriage thing pissed me off when I was your age too. I remember getting a proposal (and rejected it) at the age of 17... I hated it. I've met sooo many men and they all have such high standards: "pale, tall, confident" (and I'm none). I guess its thanks to culture that men have more privileges than women, such as being able to live alone, going out with friends, etc. I've only started being able to go out of the house alone and be able to hang out with friends recently bc mom said that I needed to be independent before I get married (getting married in november). Honestly, you're really young and shouldn't be forced into marriage if you don't want to.
I really hope your family will one day throw away this toxic thinking InshAllah. It's not Islam at all. Just plain culture. Bringing my mom to islamic lectures was the best bc she threw away this toxic mindset too very recently. Will be making lots of dua for you <3
Also, you're doing college/uni and alimah at the same time?? Girl, that's a lot! I've done only 2 years of alimah (wasn't doing school at the time) and it was hard! MashAllah! I know it's not easy, I will be rooting for you!! <3
(sorry for my long ramble)
Walaykum Assalam~
aww thank you for taking the time to read <3 honestly i hate it so much they glorify marriage here its like you're born and brought up only to just get married with kids and not only that they threaten to use marriage against me if im ever caught hanging with a guy which is so stupid it makes me so angry like they think im actively going to seek a relationship ;;
you know woaah the standards you've mentioned ive not come across that :0 for us i guess for the girls its marry guys from back home and being fertile and oh my days if you've seen them guys noo most just want the visa to come to the uk
buut awww congratulations for your marriage may allah grant you happiness and success and barakah in your marriage ♡ ♡ ♡
weddings are so pretty im sure you're going to look stunning mashallah aww ♡ ♡
inshallah im hoping they do it is culture at the end of it and just being brought up like that, ive told them you cant do that and they responded "well if you break my trust and shame our name i wont even be able to raise my head outside and ill break your trust and get you married like so and so"
thank you so much <333 and haha yes! i've got 2 years left~
thank you so much <3
بارك الله فيك
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#132
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Posted 15 June 2022 - 01:50 PM
───
･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───Salam~
my brain right now is currently fried x_x i mean when is it not haha i repeat words like in yesterdays post about me not wanting a mouth loolol
anyway i weighed myself got 38.3 i mean its okay i mean esp after yesterdays binge yyeessh.. i just want it to go lower but i guess i wont be surprised with myself if it goes back up :c
you know if im being honest, if i was alone, living alone i would be able to get lower? but then in my mind i just think about whats going to happen if my family sees the state i aspire to be at.. like i dont know how to describe it but i honestly feel bad for the fact i have an ed, yet there's people like my granddad reaching old age in the process of passing away and he like all people does not want death.. and then theres me wanting with all my heart to reach a lower weight so i pass away quicker because if im being honest i dont think anything will improve with my mental state, i'll always remain disordered and depressed.. in one sense im compromising with myself i dont want to get lower whilst living with my family members because then they'll pull that "worry facade" and land me in the hospital - and ill be forced to stay and i cant allow that to happen! not now because im 17 and technically not an adult so i cant discharge myself ughgh
but then there's me just waiting for the moment im able to leave this house and get lower and lower..?
if it was up to me i wish my family just left me in terms of my ED, i mean they did before lol they were like "if she wants to die let her die"
stupid feelings :t
anyway today i had coffee [91] which i had last drank at 12:45pm , i was really scared drinking it any later (
and then i had to get ready to go to alimah in person which omg its been what 2 weeks? D: i honestly hate going in person i literally start feeling anxious even thinking about it at home..
you know waiit i brought a necklace for myself and tell me why does a pretty necklace look so ugly on my neck??
but anyway i went it was me and another girl we spoke and we did lesson and ohh it was fiqh and we were on the topic of fasting and it mentioned about an insane person
i asked when or how can you measure insanity (the topic if a insane person could fast) and my teacher was like if they can’t take care of themselves and she mentioned how it’ll depend on the mental illness and its situation, or their insanity takes over their intelligence something along the lines
but yep that got me thinking because this ed idk would it class as insanity?
but i got home at 8 and checked my watch i burnt 88 kcals
but by that time had a 62g peach and a 101g tomato [25+18]
right im just thinking i honestly do feel bad for having an ed, i hate having it why? because worrying and crying and spending every hour for this ed, there’s bigger problems much much bigger problems in the world
i remember having a dream about
it hits me from time to time, that all this petty crying all this petty tracking the constant food chucking what benefit did it give me? the bloody body checks too, aside from closure it didn’t help in the long run.. and you know what honestly i wish my life would just stop, that im just 6ft in the ground not engaging in all the bs im still in now
what’s so pathetic is am i still going to carry out these dumb ideals and values i have now, if im perhaps in jannah? a skinnier body, a prettier face, a pretty voice all of those things i want yet don’t have am i going to carry it out in the next world?
i don’t know, i really hate feeling feelings and thoughts
total:-
steps:- 10k
last ate:- 8:05pm
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Posted 16 June 2022 - 01:03 PM
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
Salam~
im so exhausted and tired TT like aaah if i could explain how much my legs hurt oh my days Dx i the pain i know it’s coming from walking around and also yesterday i wore boots with heels when normally i would wear flats? and oh my days THE PAINN (╯°Д°）╯︵┻━┻
im not use to walking as much i mean normally roughly like idk averaging 3-4k? but i kind of realised i am a sedentary butt… it’s so embarrassing lool
anywayy today tell me i slept at roughly 12 why on earth did i wake up at 4:20am? then again at 5:20am??? like bro you had 2-3 hours before you needed to get ready?? im telling you oh my days i thought i missed and slept through the whole day x_x my butt would’ve been dead for sure but phew thankfully that didn’t occur~
i then waited for the time to pass and it eventually hit 6:50, went down weighed myself, then took a bath / shower and went off to school ;; when i arrived it was only me and two other girls, one whom im familiar with? she asked me to sit next to her and pleeaaaae aaaah i was so oh my days i couldn’t breathe, i was overthinking she’s looking at me, she’s thinking this or that and on top of that because ive lost my hearing in my right side (due to ed) she was sitting by my right and omg she was speaking and me being the hard of hearing mf oh my days i was like “hUh?” or just nodding and yikes smiling so it wasn’t awkward x_x
i honestly would’ve liked to sat where i normally sat, but yeesh i swear i thought i was going to pass out due to feeling like i can’t breathe
after class ended, i went home, on my waaay ~ my sister asked for some noodles and some sweets lol from the asian market
i got her this noodle~
bonus it’s halal~
whenever i enter these asian markets besides south asian markets, god do i tell you i feel like everyone is looking at me x_x thinking “whats she doing here??” i swear im telling you i almost hesitated and thought twice whether or not i should go in??
the sweets she asked for was
i took one from the pack and woof was i hit with the smell of cola *_* , anyway i weighed it came out as 4g [16kcal]
ohh and not to forget i had my eye on some konjac! i mean yeesh it was £2.30 *~* but packaging was nice~
i didn’t have the chance to would you say drink it or eat it?? but i weighed it came out as 20g
after that i went home and god sake the sun omg get looosst ughh it was so warm, literally i would have passed out from the sun next.. is the world tryna make me pass out?! like brooo ughhf i hate how warm it gets i mean yaaas vitamin c but noo not if it’s too warm
i came home roughly 1? i didn’t eat anything prior, i knew it was kinda late to drink coffee [80] but i said f it i don’t want to faint due to the heat i mean i walked 5k on the way so i hoped it would pass down my system??
yesterday i guess neck check lol before going
nsfw thought~>
anyway alimah came around,got told to revise what we’re gonna get tested on
and then it hit 8pm i had that cola sweet on the way and oof i could taste the artificial sugars x_x and was it corn syrup?? idk but tasted really funky x_x
i came home and had a 88g tomato [16], 66g flat peach (62g with pit removed) [24] and a 47g/44g apricot [27/21] i swear when i weighed that apricot my head is saying it’s 47g but my heart is saying it’s 44g??? stupid brain can’t remember anything but if it comes to food im on the go .-.
and that’s a wrap, im in pain but no pain no gain
steps:- 11,738
last ate:- 8:07pm
kcals:-
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Posted 17 June 2022 - 01:51 PM
Salam~
short one for today but today was very bad i don’t know how to feel extremely mf hot, and feeling extremely awful tomorrow’s a bday so it’s going to be another awful day involving myself w food
just one day and it’ll pass and then there’s stupid mf driving ffs i wish i could just crash myself into the next brick wall with my instructor included
god ugh
can i kill myself already im taking so much space breathing
8:55pm
edit at 12:35
sorry these are just thoughts i’m currently thinking..
i’m really out here wasting my life on something so futile, i mean even though i know this it’s not easy to stop behaviours you know you cling so hard too..
i’m wrapped in my regret, i have so many my ed i guess wasting time is part of that regret if this makes sense? i could do so much more but nope my whole day from today was spent on food!! like i could have revised, could have exercised, could have done more with my time, could have mf prayed but nope like always doing the same things as yesterday and the day before and the week before that and the month and years before that
death, honestly death is what i want and what i need.. i’m sick of feeling sick. i’m sick of feeling tired and fearing that i’m going to pass out every time i walk out of my home and wake up in a hospital being forced to be separated from my coping habits
this is such a dumb thing, what a waste of a friday morning
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Posted 19 June 2022 - 10:36 AM
got a kitten~
time:-8:30
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Posted 20 June 2022 - 01:04 PM
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
salam~
it seems like i haven't updated properly i guess, but ill just sum up how its going.. im actually going to kill myself if this keeps carrying on i dont care about the future i dont care about the after i dont care about the current. all of this for what? my food issues are so ugly that no one outside of MPA would ever understand.. simply because at the end of it all im doing is whining about the same thing over and over again, doing the things i keep doing just to illicit some mental reaction seeing if things change but nope im way consumed with my own life and my own problems and my own ed..
im literally nearing adulthood but im not even mentally properly developed.. im still 14 in my own head.. i act and behave and look no different than i was at 14 except 3-4kg heavier and even more uglier.. oh and not to forget -1.5cm shorter
my problem here is, if im still a child in my head when the time comes when i want to get married will i still act like a small child?? i find it so creepy and unsettling for myself like my future partner his advantage would be he might be more mentally mature and over here my problems with my own head is i can never get out of this ugly rut im in
i mean i wonder who would marry an ugly brute like myself, theres literally zero appeal to me except being a people pleaser lolol
anwayy forget this, my sister got a kitten yesterday or was it the day before? but omg he's adorable *0*
his name is Emrys ( pronounced em-ris) the name was inspired by lolol merlin, we were originally going back and forth with Prince too but we settled for the name we have now
what i love most about kittens is their face lol its so derpy looking aswell as them sleeping like sleeping for majority of the day 20hours out of 24, how i wish i could do that and not worry about whats next
he looks really similar to our first kitten called Salem, here he is~ (below is salem)
kittens are so picturesque aww
anyway kitten aside, ed wise and exam wise i wonder whats going to happen at the end of this, once the 6 weeks start i know im just going to play every single day trying not to gain and just wasting my time on an ed and a problem which has no means of ever resolving
sometimes i wish i could just pause and scream it out and talk about it but even then my voice prevents me and i cant out myself to anyone about a superficial vain problem, there are better things to worry about, than a scale number, than how one looks
no restriction can help alleviate how ugly i feel on the inside, no tears, nor even cutting would resolve this
but then again im stupider for even thinking that perhaps things do change when i know it doesn't and you'll just go back to where you started at from the beginning
oh well if it does come to suicide i just hope its swift and clean, maybe i should make a prayer or something but i guess i got more impatient for the things that dont work out
i wonder what is my probability of dying? i was never good at maths anyway... a 43% chance?
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Posted 20 June 2022 - 01:14 PM
Dw sis, I understand too. I used to think no one would like me bc of my personality, appearance, etc, etc, but if that person can't accept you for who you are, either they're not meant for or just being a crappy trash of a person or both. And I'm a huge people pleaser myself. All of us here are just stuck with issues in our heads and whatever is going on in life, we're all here for each other <3
Also the kitty is sooooo cute mashAllah! Literally gushing over it rn
InshAllah things will get better for you, sending lots of love <3
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Posted 20 June 2022 - 04:21 PM
AWWWWWW THE KITTENNSSS omg I'm a cat person and kittens are like part of my soul! <333333
I completely relate to feeling ugly on the inside. When I look at my friends and see their maturity and their inner beauty it's like wow they really outshine me. I feel like all I think about is so goddamn negative, and that makes me feel and consequently look terrible.
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Posted 21 June 2022 - 10:26 AM
sleepyfaefae, on 20 Jun 2022 - 1:14 PM, said:
Dw sis, I understand too. I used to think no one would like me bc of my personality, appearance, etc, etc, but if that person can't accept you for who you are, either they're not meant for or just being a crappy trash of a person or both. And I'm a huge people pleaser myself. All of us here are just stuck with issues in our heads and whatever is going on in life, we're all here for each other <3
Also the kitty is sooooo cute mashAllah! Literally gushing over it rn
InshAllah things will get better for you, sending lots of love <3
thank you so much <33 ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა
Bleak Cucumber, on 20 Jun 2022 - 4:21 PM, said:
AWWWWWW THE KITTENNSSS omg I'm a cat person and kittens are like part of my soul! <333333
I completely relate to feeling ugly on the inside. When I look at my friends and see their maturity and their inner beauty it's like wow they really outshine me. I feel like all I think about is so goddamn negative, and that makes me feel and consequently look terrible.
the way you worded this its literally exactly this its like im always so down and upset with myself on the inside and it shows so much on the outside )x like one look at me you can tell i feel and look terrible ;n;
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Posted 21 June 2022 - 10:50 AM
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
salam~
i have way less time for my exams, ultimately if i fail i cant find it in my heart to care anymore this year was a waste for me, repeating i would definitely mind but knowing myself its just going to reflect how awful my tests results were.. i dont want to fail but my expectations for myself its all pointless anyway, no first position like i received before is going to make me feel any better, no 80-97% i was once achieving isn't going to do anything for me. for god sake if only i was better at my ED maybe then i would be happy with my results maybe then i would actually put in effort with almost anything!!
its so tiring that i honestly wish i was dead, i would love love love to cry but no crying is going to speed up anything, its pathetic. crying over exams well i should have revised before and gave a damn, crying over my body image and sense of self well i know time and time again im miserable because of food and because of my weight i should have done something instead of tolerating this bs i always put myself through. i wont cry about this anymore, just put up with it like always.. i wish everything would just shut down in me, every day i pray i dont wake up the next day but to my disappointment im still alive
you know guess what i found out? i literally have bald spots lol but even then i dont find myself to care anymore, my hair could fall out i wouldnt care anymore it'll just allude to my sense of ugliness i feel.. hey atleast it'll steer people away from me +1 perk gained
anyway today like again i guess that restriction phase died down, i dont know what to do anymore
i ate so much today i didnt picture all of it
dont be fooled i ate way way way more
not surprising
i gained to 38.7-39 i should weigh myself after i type this.. you know i should insert my weigh ins but im to embarrassed :t
do i look it? i mean idk forget validation i dont need it i look really bloated ;-;
i inteneded to go to school today to collect something, but my mum lol after how many days decided to speak to me she had to get my sibling and stay for some party, so left alone w the kitten i guess it was okay but its frustrating because i have no time after this, ive got volunteering and my god im scared..
you know id photos LOL they give me bdd on a whole new level haha
like i took a id picture of myself like last year and my face was i guess fuller/different looking and if i took one now i look like a whole new person.. literally i dont know if my face went even bigger or smaler or if my face shape or nose has changed??
it sucks because i look like whats the word a catfish lolol i look prettier in that id photo then i do now lol
i wonder what the folks would think when they see me tomorrow like are you sure we got the right Iruna?? or are you Iruna?? idk bro am i?
i have no energy for tomorrow in one sense i regret offering to volunteer because i cannot speak at all, and i have no time since exams i havent revised ;; i wonder what time it'll start or end ughhg
thats all for today
heres Emrys~ he's sleeping atm loolol
i wish everything would just shut down in me, every day i pray i dont wake up the next day
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