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Posted Yesterday, 01:34 PM
Duplo, on 17 Mar 2022 - 01:21 AM, said:
Have they changed that? I last went 4 years ago and you needed a membership card to get in (UK).
I don't live in the UK, but in the US I don't think you've ever had to.
I'm not sure on the UK situation but upon looking it up, apparently you can still shop online even without membership but you have to pay a delivery fee
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H: 5'7.5 LW: 150 (2014) SW: 158 (2014) HW: 216 (Dec. 2019..that's embarrassing) CW: 198.6
Gw 1: 190 lbs (86 kg) BMI - 29.3
Gw 2: 180 lbs (82 kg) BMI - 27.8
Gw 3: 170 lbs (77 kg) BMI - 26.2
Gw 4: 160 lbs (73 kg) BMI - 24.7
Gw 5: 150 lbs (68 kg) BMI - 23.1
Gw 6: 140 lbs (64 kg) BMI - 21.6
Gw 7: 130 lbs (59 kg) BMI - 20.1
Gw 8: 120 lbs (54 kg) BMI - 18.5
♥ UGW: 114 lbs(51 kg) BMI - 17.6 ♥
MAINTAIN BETWEEN 107-114
Effy & Pandora
Anime stuff
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Weight loss stuff
#132 
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Posted Yesterday, 11:47 PM
day 70, sat 19 mar
68.9kg
exercise: cleaning the turtle tank (it takes like an hour ok), 55min walking outside, 40min more walking outside, 20min yoga (day 19 of 20)
steps: 13865
had a leg cramp again around 3 or 4am so woke up late as in i got up at 6.30 instead of 6
morning: 2tbsp fibre, green tea, coffee
afternoon: 185g cherry tomato (40), collagen broth (45)
evening: three mini samosas (100), FISH N CHUPS (400), coke zero
bf really wanted fish but like if youre not gonna make the fish yourself or have expensive restaraunt fish then youre getting fish n chups fish yknow
also bf's been going on about wanting to fatten me up cuz im "LoSiNg WeIgHt ToO fAsT" which is just a silly thing to say the mans crazy
anyway i had like 10-15 fries without cheese or sauce (we got the cheesey saucey fries) and a piece of white fish that i peeled alllll the batter off of like a maniac lmao but it was good
late evening: edit: ok i didnt have any gin but i did have a sip of some strong beer and a bunch of salad greens
total: 600
good night
food
#133
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Posted Today, 12:59 AM
my f God do I want your dog.
he's so so so adorable I can't
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#134
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Posted Today, 08:34 PM
vokowow, on 19 Mar 2022 - 12:59 AM, said:
the moment I saw taco was the moment I fell in love.
my f God do I want your dog.
he's so so so adorable I can't
hehe thanks! i always gush over him about how adorable he is when he does pretty much anything
here's a pic of him having a nap
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Posted 14 March 2022 - 03:14 PM
14.03
3 monster ultra
chickpeas and dried tomato
4 toast with brunost and jam
total 1500
i did not make it "sound worse than it is." ....... theres a shitton to be done for the event. it's a whole day and multiple parts requiring... a lot. im stressed/
im obnoxious with my complaining here so i'll spare the repetitive details but in summary i feel dirty and really want to fast. but this is 1) bad timing and 2) longterm reason me doesn't want to. i will go to bed and reevaluate in the morning, probably will be more reasonable then and not have any dumb urges.
tried monster ultras that arent white for the first time. green, red and blue. cant decide whether i like green or red more. blue was meh and so is white as i figured today haha
oh, i ordered new 3 pillowcases and a bedsheet and im excited :pp
#45
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Posted 15 March 2022 - 03:53 PM
15.03
monster ultra (15)
wasted half the day on an assignment, even though i could have done it much quicker, i got distracted a lot. at least i turned it in but this doesn't trump the fact that i could've been much more productive.
worked on the event, correspondence and such.
watched jodorowsky's dune with the film soc. im not very knowledgeable on jodorowsky apart from the holy mountain (when i watched it 15 centuries ago, i did so with a puke bucket next to me lmao) so i didn't know that his unrealized dune is considered "the greatest movie never made" ... certainly sounded like something. the guy reminded me so much of my grandpa, some things he said in the interviews and his manners were as taken directly from my grandpa's mouth... absolutely hilarious in many aspects but i think those associations grounded my perception of him bc i was much less in awe of him after the movie compared to people around me, i feel. i projected perhaps but i couldn't help but read into what he was saying // extrapolate ramifications of his thinking on his behavior towards people irl. i recommend the documentary, was a good one and about a geuninely fascinating director. "to have hands, to have fingers, is weird. real life is weird, to have fingers?"
#46
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 06:27 PM
total is 2800 for the 2 days without the alcohol
i... dont have the vocabulary to describe whats happening.
i got accepted into a quite big thing to do with lgbtq rights in poland. it's a 4 day thing.
im currently trying to sort out what to eo eith the other event im responsible for thats on one eof the dayd of the 5 day thing..
its too much.
ill be working 14 hours whift on sunday and also during the 5 day conference... eill be grom 9-16 and then wotk from 16:30 to 01:00 in the morn7ng if not later at eork.
i have a four day exam that falls on top
got excused from classes fpr that time on the grounds of political activism but ill have to talk with one of the teacherd tmrw about it bc ive been missing a lot of seminars for that class bc of work or events. i feel like a fuck up. will explain to her that ive been keeping up with lecturee on my own time but its been hard attending tje seminars bc everything happens all ot once always.
i dont know hoe to do this.
and like i cannot drop anything bc i care too much for evrry dibgle thing. i knoe i have no right to complain since the event, the activism, the film soc, the change of workplace, even those seminars... those are all my decisions. no one forces me to.
trying to change the date for the evnt is not optimal but its the best i can do
ive been drinking og chainsmoking
also im so tired of being in the fucking bmi 17s range. like evn tho i dont have a scale, i know where i am by the looks of my body. anf... cant you disappear already?! lmao. dont get me wrong im fully aware that with the non-restriction ive been doing lateøy, i will never drop below but still. майка ти да еба лмао
spoiler is bodycheck 3 weeks into relapse (beginning of december) avs 1.5 weeks ago. gotta say that ive been maintaining (if not gaining..) basically since i started this accountability as u can probs guess by my intake. from mearly-mid november to mid-february i was sustaining on alcohol and omad thats was abt 500-900cal (some days only alcohol). so rly the loss was from then i think.
#47
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 06:40 PM
im rly trying not to get my hopes up bc ill set myself up for disappointmenr but i was left w the impression that they treated me as an employee today? istg if they take me, ill be genuinely proud of myself. like the bar is hella popular here. they have a loot of applicants. & especially for a position such as cocktail bartender....
theres not a small chance they wont take me... but god i wish and hope and pray and etc.
#48
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 07:39 PM
1) my new bedsheet+ 3 pillow cases have arrived at the store, i need to find the time to pick them up. im excited!! ... my financial situation is not super dire or anything but i do struggle a little bit to keep up after i didnt work december and 1/2 january bc of lockdown, i burned thru a lot of my savings.. so i like to treat myself every month w sth, to keep my spirits up, so to say. and this month is 25€ worth of bed stuff that i dont technically need. its just that i struggle a lot w ddoing laundry // keeping up with chores like changing bed. and my skin doesnt take too well to that (+ it doesnt feel all too nice yanno) so i thought it'd be nice to have some extras to change whenever i feel like it without having a whole laundry round for it weigh on me
2) i dont rememver what was the 2nd thing, will add it when i do
#49
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Posted Today, 04:18 AM
18.03
baked beans
baked potato
biscuits
bottle of red wine
total 1450
17k steps
highlights of the day:
me calling the neonazi a drama queen
a colleague leaving mid-rush hour after getting physically assaulted by the neonazi
the owner coming in and gleefully treating the neonazi to free alcohol while everyone else was busting their asses on a friday night rush + backstage tensions escalating
both of them waiting for hours for the colleague to return (he left his jacket) to 'teach him a lesson'
another colleague and i sneaking out with 1st colleague's jacket
the three of us meeting at a bar
& drinking to 1st colleague's balls + decision to pursue legal action
im giving a testimony hehe. my colleague asked specifically from me bc my experience would be one of the stronger to aid the case for the union and lawyer. to be honest i kept thinking that "it's not that bad" or my incessant fear that im being too dramatic drilling into my head stuff. but yesterday they kept saying that they r shocked specifically of the nazi & owners treatment of me. and the colleague who left said "i genuinely don't know how u keep coming in at work in a good mood and finding the energy to deal with bullshit every single shift without complaint... like honestly don't know how you do it" ( context here also includes the fact that im the lowest paid employee there ((: )... not gonna lie, this felt validating. bc i do have to mentally prepare before every shift & its an entire mental process of building up my walls so that things dont get to me on an emotional level which would be distracting. and obviously no one sees that. but to hear people acknowledging that's hard is certainly nice.
yesterday was one of those days where its so ridiculously bad that u get a lil hysterical / find the whole thing super funny. i was in such a good mood the entire evening lmfao, every time i heard someone shouting names at another person (or just shouting in general); my colleague being dragged by a massive 2m gringo down to the basement; literally everyone hating on Ape, Ape getting a treat from the owners (the only one!!! they do not give free stuff !!!!), us running like crazy for a solid hour during rush until the manager arrived to fill in for the colleague that left... the whole time i couldnt stop laughing and cracking jokes at myself lmao.
got my sheets! VERY HAPPY WITH IT.
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#61
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Posted 16 March 2022 - 04:52 PM
tinybelle, on 16 Mar 2022 - 1:58 PM, said:
. Thank you!well done on not giving in to the binge urges- its sooo damn difficult sometimes!!
It was definitely a mental challenge and I reaaaally will try to keep it up this time around! :’)
#62
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Posted 16 March 2022 - 07:37 PM
thittlelighs, on 16 Mar 2022 - 4:00 PM, said:
Yay! Fasted 24 hours. Broke fast at exactly 7:00p.
Will update shortly!
UPDATE:Today was definitely hard, BUT possible because I had clinicals from 7:30a-5p. So, I intentionally didn’t bring lunch with me.
This is my second week of clinicals of skipping lunch. My classmates asked, “why?” “How do you do that?” etc. and “wow, I couldn’t do it.”
I’m actually quite exhausted to make a detailed update, but I’ll try.
Fasted 24 HOURS BABY!; ended at 7:00PM
Broke my fast with blueberries and pecans as I wait for my croissant(s) to warm. Yup, ‘s’ as in plural croissant. Two.
Intake: blueberries + pecans dusted with cinnamon spice; boiled broccoli and mushrooms + butter and s/p; 3 eggs cooked in butter + 3 sardines, split on two pieces of croissants.
Ooooo baby, I was really craving two croissants today! I really felt like I deserved** it. Especially because it was so hard sitting around my classmates as they ate. Their food smelled SO GOOD. I even kept telling/thinking about going to a resistant for food and drinks, etc.
Terrible habit.
** I should’ve feel like food is something to “deserve”. It’s fuel for my body, simple. Not a treat/reward for doing good or wanting to feel good. I really need to dissociate myself from that type of thinking. TW (childhood rape):
Not sure how I went off into that tangent, but I’m just being self-aware.
My mood has been a bit down. Maybe from low energy?
I have two croissants left and a pack of pita bread. Once those are finished, I’m going to phase away from processed carbs and indulge in potatoes or whatever if wanting some carbs. I really enjoy the control I have over my food compared to eating out at the restaurant.
Speaking of:
M2 texted me regarding our date tonight, but because I didn’t get a 48-hour confirmation, I decided I didn’t want to go anymore. I told him I made plans with friends (a lie). I’m just exhausted and tired from school things. Screenshots below.
It’s annoying that he wants to just hound my availability.
Like, no. I’m not going to see you twice in a week lol. Have to challenge him a bit. Honestly just interested in the $ he spends on me.
Also, M called me.
To make it short, we planned to go hiking and then for lunch this weekend. And.. he suggested coming over to his lake house to carpool since the hiking location is closer to him.
but..after agreeing to it, I texted him, “the more I think about coming over, the more I’m not ready to.”I didn’t get a response back.... maybe because he’s out on a date with another woman
which is fine. He is totally allowed that as I’m doing the same.Nieve me would’ve been gung-ho over one dude and oblivious to the true nature of men.
He is just really fishy and I don’t trust him 100%. Tinder has a location feistier and I peeped that he was a few miles away from me, when usually he’s about 25 miles away. So this tells me that he lied about going home, when I asked where he was headed during our phone call. And by lie, I mean not telling the whole truth. Lol. THIS is why I refuse to be honest with men unless it benefits me. They just lie lie lie. I’m so glad I’m not the stupid nieve girl anymore.
Overall, I’m still winning since I’ve been given $$$ and have not even slept with anyone. I must keep my eyes on the goal seize any opportunity.
Goodnight x
#63
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 05:29 AM
thittlelighs, on 16 Mar 2022 - 03:08 AM, said:
166.0 today
165.4 today! 😊✨😆 yayy!
I honestly wasn’t sure if I was gain to gain this morning or not! Those 2 pcs of croissants really had me doubting myself 😂
I’m so proud of my self and am happy that I am still going in the right direction!
I’m staying positive here!
I believe my goal weight for this week was to be 167. So I’ll wait until Saturday morning’s weigh-in to really gauge my weight loss.
Since I will be going hiking, I’ll need to bump up my fat intake for more energy. I love hiking!
I have no idea what my OMAD will be today, but I’ll sure I’ll be thinking about it today lol.
Can’t wait until food doesn’t consume my entire thoughts. Is it possible??
#64
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 08:55 AM
No Scale Victory (NSV) for today:Fitting into a pair of scrub pants I bought last summer that have been a bit too tight since gaining weight!
Waist looking smaller this morning
Feeling nice
I did some ‘light’ grocery shopping, and decided to do a liquid fast until my OMAD.
I’ll be at the library most of the day too.
#65
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 11:26 AM
M just “broke up” with me, but not really break up since we were never exclusive, but he decided to date someone else.
This tells me a few things:
1. I’m glad I’ve been doing thing differently because I got $$$ from this whole dating experience, AND didn’t even have to sleep with him. I’d be lying if I say I won’t miss him. I was really attracted to him and enjoyed being around him. It’s okay, I’ll have someone else.
2. I’m still a bad bitch because I stuck to my word. I told myself that if his distance was different (our with someone else), then I wouldn’t come over. Hence telling him that I wasn’t ready to come over and will meet him at the hiking trailhead. He obviously wasn’t happy about it.
3. Men want sex. And because he knew he wasn’t going to get it anytime soon, he decided to bounce.
4. Refer to 3. This is why I try to not let my emotions take the wheel (sometimes a challenge) and try to get as much as I can.
So damn. Looks like I won’t be spending spring break with him nor visiting his cabin. Or get my iPad from him.
Looking for a new target.
I acknowledge that I’m saddened by this, mostly because this was simply an opportunity gone by. I’ll learn from this situation though. That’s how growth happens.
#66
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 04:45 PM
Anyway.
My mood has been great since weighing it
Only thing slight making me feel down is M.
So maybe it’s been a bit meh.
After today, I’m not letting this bother me lol. I look too good to be sulking over an old man.
After studying in the library, I was still so bothered by it (for what though??) so I went for a walk to process my thoughts and feelings. I concluded that I’m upset, not because I preferred him more to the other guys, but I wanted more out of him: $$$, a potentially true relationship where he takes care of me by fully providing, etc. BUT he kind pulled the rug out before I even thought to do so (especially since early on
), and I guess because it was his choice, it gives him the power.Annoyed.
If/when he decides to come back, he’s going to have to really earn it. It’s not good to move backwards anyway, so I’m not even expecting such a thing.
Then cycle keeps going, so overall, I’m fine.
#67
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 07:51 PM
So, here’s my lazy update before bed:
(Liquid) fasted for 22.5 hours today. Wahoo
Broke my fast with food at 6:30.
Intake: carrot ginger tumeric juice + aloe Vera + freshly squeezed lime juice; Cold-pressed vegetable juice; organic sea salt chips (2.5 servings?? Idk, but I got seconds)
+ a plant-based spicy queso dip (this shit was so yum omg, ate the entire container with the chips
)— thankfully both of these ‘junk’ food had clean/safe ingredients, so I’m grateful and mostly happy about that; cauliflower rice (entire bag + sautéed onions in EVOO + mushrooms + tomato paste; dry roasted pecans (missed the taste and routine of eating it with fruit— wasn’t even hungry); fruit smoothie
I’m literally soooo bloated/distended. I practically forced myself to drink the fruit smoothie because I was more worried with getting the vitamins from it.
Overall, in pleased with the day and happy I got that walk in. I need to continue implementing daily exercises!
Nervous about this bloating and nooooo idea what the scale will say. I may gain?
But I know it’ll be food/water weight.
I haven’t had a proper BM is a few days.
I say proper because I’m usually constipated
I need to restore my gut health!
Anyway, that’s all the food tings for today.
Goodnight x
#68
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 08:00 PM
Affirmations:
I am beautiful.
I am a delight to be around.
I reached my UGW.
I am happy at my goal weight.
I am healthy.
I love my healthy lifestyle.
I maintain my healthy lifestyle and self-care in all areas: physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I exercise daily.
I eat home-cooked meals.
I am fun.
I am working on being where I want to be.
My dreams come true.
My apartment is maintained and clean.
Men adore me and desire to spoil me.
Men give me spending money.
I am wonderful.
(Repeat)
#69
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Posted Yesterday, 04:37 AM
thittlelighs, on 17 Mar 2022 - 05:29 AM, said:
165.4 today! 😊✨😆 yayy!
166.5 today 🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂
Not happy about that +1.1 gain.
I blame the chips, bloat, and lack of BM.
I know it’s not my actual weight atm (except it is), but I know that when this bloat is gone and when I have a BM.
, it’ll be lower.
EITHER WAY. My GW for the end of this week is 167, so I’m doing great in that aspect. 😌
On a more positive note, I’ve been sleeping a lot lately, which is good.
I’m tired of being tired all the time.
I’m just not as much studying:school work done... not good. 😫
I need to buy some electrolytes for my fasting fasting days and some really great multivitamins/supplements.
If anyone has any great recommendations, please share. <3
#70
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Posted Yesterday, 02:43 PM
Before realizing my mistake, I agreed to going for drinks and food with my classmates.Literally looked at my clock and it was 15 ‘til 12. I suppose the rainy, stormy weather made it feel later.
Intake: Spicy strawberry Hennessy margarita + Mac & cheese + truffle mushroom tortellini pasta + grilled chicken (so delicious, probably over 1,000 calories???
); iced coffee + hwc + sugar +Cinnamon
I haven’t eaten since the restaurant, and that’s usually how it goes. I’m just drinking my iced coffee I blended with coffee ice cubes and am trying to get school work now. My focus and concentration to important matters are TRASH.
I also hope I weigh it at 167 or less tomorrow morning or I’ll be devastated.
Freaking out, but will TRY not to be anxious about it otherwise idk..
#71
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Posted Yesterday, 02:52 PM
thittlelighs, on 18 Mar 2022 - 2:43 PM, said:
I haven’t eaten since the restaurant, and that’s usually how it goes. I’m just drinking my iced coffee I blended with coffee ice cubes and am trying to get school work now. My focus and concentration to important matters are TRASH.
I also hope I weigh it at 167 or less tomorrow morning or I’ll be devastated.
Freaking out, but will TRY not to be anxious about it otherwise idk..
the concentration is 100% me right now too- I have absolutely 0 
try not to panic, I'm sure you'll be back to what you were pre restaurant tomorrow
#72
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Posted Yesterday, 03:30 PM
tinybelle, on 18 Mar 2022 - 2:52 PM, said:
.the concentration is 100% me right now too- I have absolutely 0
I hope so
haha! I’m trying not to panic because that will lead to guilt, and then binging, and I’m not trying to stay in the wrong direction!(Thanks for being me back realization)
Wish I could get some Vyvanse for this lack of concentration! But amphetamines are the reasons I have anxiety in the first place
no gracias#73
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Posted Today, 04:24 AM
Today is day 1 of my stomach concaving.
Every night since ‘getting my shit together” (restricting), I would place my hand on my stomach.
It’s been big, fatty (still is), and distended most night’s except for today!
I woke up early last night during my sleep, and felt my stomach and rib cage and was just astonished! 🤩 it felt so nice— I love my bones!! I’m also starting to feel my hipbones more, so it’s only a matter of time that I start feeling (and seeing) more of a prominence.
I am so soooo excited because that means I’ve lost instead of gained from yesterday’s meal + drink.
Can’t wait to get up and weigh myself!
... also slightly nervous omg.
#74
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Posted Today, 06:06 AM
thittlelighs, on 18 Mar 2022 - 04:37 AM, said:
166.5 today 🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂
165.4 lbs today, yayyy! I surpassed my goal of 167 this week. So proud of myself!
I’m going to stick to these small, realistic weekly weight-loss goals so I don’t get ahead of myself and become an emotional wreck because ~I lost 5 pounds earlier in the week only to have lost a total of 2 or something by the end~.
Proud of myself. Go me!
**must.stay.consistent.no.matter.what**
So,
SW at 7 March was 170.6 pounds
CW at 19 March is 165.5 pounds
—————————————————
Total loss: -5.2 pounds in a total of 13 days.
Just, fuck yes.
Let’s get ittttt!
#75
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Posted Today, 10:49 AM
Lounging in my Doctor Who robe, crop top, and booty shorts.✨
Can’t wait to reach 160 (for the zillionth time lol, AND THAT’s OKAY.) 🙂
Attached Thumbnails
#76
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Posted Today, 11:08 AM
CURRENT BMI:
OVERWEIGHT
@165.4 pounds
A LOOK AHEAD:
╭────»»❀❀❀««────╮
20th-26th March Goals:
~162 pounds by end of the week
~ exercise for 30 mins 3 times per week (at minimum)
~ continue OMAD
~ take measurements (waist, stomach, thighs, and knees)
~ walk to places that is 1 mile or less away (NO EXCUSES except during inclement weather)
┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈
Miscellaneous Happenings:
~ date with M2 on Tuesday
~ meeting J Friday and Saturday
~ buy house plants
~ shop for dresser/rearrange apartment bit by bit
~ buy new pair of athletic shoes
#77
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Posted Today, 11:44 AM
Weight: 165.4 pounds
Hours Fasted:21h20m
Intake: dandelion tea; blended coffee + hwc + vanilla extract cinnamon; “amala”, but with eggplant + psyllium husk, okra soup + palm oil + mushrooms + onions + smoked turkey leg; green tea
Exercise:~40 min walk
Journal/Photos:
- Blended coffee w/o sugar wasn't too bad. I had to omit the sugar because I wanted to taste it w/ vanilla extract and w/o sugar..it was perfectly fine since I'm used to black coffee anyway. My OMAD was a classic favorite. It’s a spin-off a Nigerian dish called Amala with okra soup; just with a lesser amount of carbs, and a lot of fiber (I think I put like 6 TBS of psyllium husk —oops). I ate the entire eggplants which was 1 large one and one medium-sizes.!Ended my OMAD at 4:56 and am going to watch some Naruto. I usually like to add an extra hour from when I finished eating as my fasting start time for the next fast. So at 6, I’ll begin the timer for a new one.
- My focus is sooooo shit today, omg!
- M2 has been texting me "a lot" and even asked if I could go out for lunch tomorrow. I declined because I work all day. I've got my eye on him lol. I don't know if his behavior is part of his game, but I'm not giving off any desperate vibes and am fine with not seeing/taking to him often. That's too boyfriend/girlfriendy anyway. He hasn't earned an inch of that treatment. It's best to move slow as I've always moved way too fast in the past.
#78
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Posted Today, 02:17 PM
thittlelighs, on 19 Mar 2022 - 06:06 AM, said:
165.4 lbs today, yayyy! I surpassed my goal of 167 this week. So proud of myself!
I’m going to stick to these small, realistic weekly weight-loss goals so I don’t get ahead of myself and become an emotional wreck because ~I lost 5 pounds earlier in the week only to have lost a total of 2 or something by the end~.
Proud of myself. Go me!
**must.stay.consistent.no.matter.what**
So,
SW at 7 March was 170.6 pounds
CW at 19 March is 165.5 pounds
—————————————————
Total loss: -5.2 pounds in a total of 13 days.
Just, fuck yes.
Let’s get ittttt!
amazing!! congrats girl! 
#79
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Posted Today, 03:07 PM
tinybelle, on 19 Mar 2022 - 2:17 PM, said:
thanks so much! 😊❤️❤️❤️amazing!! congrats girl!
#80
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Sage
- LocationThe Tardis
Posted Today, 06:14 PM
Im certain that I ate below my TDEE. I’m still not ‘comfortable’ with calorie counting yet.
I think I want to get through March with OMAD and being a good girl. AKA: staying away from binging.
Not that I drink a lot apart from going out, but I know that’s derailing my weight loss. All I think about is how my liver is trying to metabolize the alcohol instead of processing the food calories I’m eating. I need to do more research.
I don’t feel myself btw.
Im stressed from school and I should really focus 100% better on it! Meaning, school first... period.
I’ll be working all day tomorrow. I’m going to try to finish all of my HW assignments that are due Tuesday morning, and then study one chapter for my upcoming exam— all while drinking tea, and then bed!
P.S. I’m glad I went out and got my walk in. That’s what consistency is all about !
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Advanced Warrior
Posted Today, 04:24 AM
todays weigh in: p convinced this is a lie but 181.4lbs (82.3kg).
cals consumed: 614.
so i dont believe the scales bc how the fuck have i had a 0.6lb loss after eating fast food, and also this is exactly the number is showed yday when i weighed again when i got home and it wasnt correct. ive left the scales to sit for ages and it is still saying the same number apart from when i stood on it weirdly and it said 183.2lbs but literally every other weight which had been about 10 has been 181.4. when my housemate goes either upstairs or out im gonna grab some tins of soup and ensure it is calibrated correctly!
i am actually hungry rn so i am gonna wait til 12 i think then have a bloody lunch probs soup and some rice cakes!
^ i did - just waiting for my egg to boil but had the other half of the can of minestrone soup i had the other day (54cals as it wasnt exactly half i had the other day bc i couldnt measure it in front of my housemates). 2 rice cakes (60) with a piece of ham on each (21) (credit to @earthmoon for this invention it is delicious) and then to get it to 200 im having an egg to put on the rice cakes (66). dinner im gonna have a peri peri chicken salad with sweet potato wedges maybe some roast carrots too bc otherwise it isnt gonna come to much. attempting to aim for 550-600 today.
gonna go for my walk and get some himalayan salt for this flush but i think i am gonna weigh myself but not count it as a weight bc i will gain most back the second i eat again! also need some onions for tonight gonna put em in me salad!
okeeeeey so i walked 5.37 miles round town today! wanted to go for 6 but i had been in town for three hours bc went back to my old workplace to say hi and then saw a friend and pootled round with them a bit and i was like too much outside
before i went out i was feeling a bit wobbly so had two caramel rice crackers (82 for both) good christ they taste good. mightve walked that far but forgot to do the one thing i was meant to today which was go to lidl :’)dinner was a salad with lettuce, onions, cucumber, peppers (which i am now learning i really just dont enjoy they are just low cal loool), carrots, sweetcorn, some skinnyfoodco peri peri sauce which isnt groundbreaking but did the job and some piri chicken. had some roasted sweet potato with it which was tastyyyy. i was worried whilst making the salad that it just wasnt gonna be enough cals so added the sweetcorn which helped and i have ended today on 614 cals. i aimed for 550 today bc i was tryna slowly increase as to not gain but i accidentally went over (when cooking my dinner i didn’t like measure the food to the amount of cals if that makes sense i just measured everything then added it at the end but i think i just forgot that everything would add up:’) i added more chicken n sweetcorn bc i was like THIS WONT MAKE 500 forgetting i had the sweet potato also lmao how was i this consumed on INCREASING cals
i didnt eat all the salad bc i was just so fucking full so i guess i can round it down to 600 cals and chill out a bit. according to my walking app i burned 720 calories and my movesum app says 626 so i don’t know! walking app has my weight and height to make it more accurate but i just dont rlly believe it! either way its more than i ate today. 12.5k steps tho !!!!i ordered a fitbit secondhand off ebay and it arrived disgusting it had a crack when she claimed it didn’t and had dried up dead skin n sweat on the inside and the strap was covered in fake tan and ink it was just gross so my mumma is getting me one for my bday but says i can have it when it arrived which im v happy about! got it off cex bc its just sm cheaper (£65 for b grade which is always such good condition) vs £99 bc like i will cope if it has a couple superficial scratches. mum was insisting i got a brand new one but i felt so bad, it is my 21st bday but i think because i knew i was getting it for ed related reasons i felt too guilty asking her to pay £100 for something contributing to my ed bc if she knew she would be devastated if that makes sense ? but yeah excited for that to arrive. gonna buy some smart scales because they are not as expensive as i thought - £20 n have so many functions when i paid £10 for my scales to which the calibration got fucked within a few weeks anyway so had to buy more n these have a three year warranty and for £2 extra can get three year insurance to cover accidental damage!
anyway all in all good day. having some green tea and drinking lots of water n i am crossing everything on my body that todays weight loss was real and not a fluke with my scales (also hoping when my smart scales arrive they are p similar to what my scale says bc how fucken embarrassing if my scales are just way off). fingers crossed im in the 180s tomorrow!
oh i also had a mare because i got a speeding ticket on new years day and had to book for a speed awareness course which was on april 6th but had rescheduled a tattoo to that day before i booked it which i forgot about. i didnt wanna reschedule the tattoo again bc felt bad and also it would be about 3-4 months times bc she is so booked and the tattoo studio is also 3 hours away hhhnng so i went to reschedule the driving course to which you have to cancel your current booked course, so they refund you £85 you pay for the course then you rebook to which the only dates available were in may which will make it 5 months after the offence but they say you have to complete it 4 months after the offence so i am now £85 out of pocket waiting for my refund to come through to which theyve not given any indication as to how long it will take, it might actually be too late anyway so i am gonna ring on monday to ask if it is too late but i dont think it is because otherwise they wouldnt let me book it surely? but i figured if i ring they’ll have a record of it and be able to let me know if its okay and bc ive communicated if it isnt okay they may be more lenient hahaha, either way there is evidence i rang to ask and there were no earlier courses available (i am claiming i have a hospital appointment bc i am a liar hahaha). ig this is the price u pay for breaking the law and being extremely disorganized!
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#63
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Warrior
Posted Today, 11:21 AM
wooo 181.4! it makes sense that one instance of fast food wouldn't affect your weight loss trajectory and you've been consistently burning cals and restricting so this is probably just the real weight! rice cakes and ham, snack of champions!!! what did you think?
🌒🌍🌘
stats
SW: 176 // 80 · GW1: 165 // 75 · GW2: 154 // 70 · GW3: 143 // 65 · GW4: 132 // 60 · GW5: 121 // 55 · UGW: 110 // 50
🍃 accountability 🍃
#65
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Advanced Warrior
Posted Today, 12:46 PM
congratulations on the loss!!
i understand your hesitation in believing it, but it's real!!
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
167 166 165 164 163 162 161 160
159 158 157 156 155 154 153 152 151 150
149 148 147 146 145 144 143 142 141 140
139 138 137 136 135 134 133 132 131 130
129 128 127 126 125 124 123 122 121 120
119 118 117 116 115 114 113 112 111 110
109 108 107 106 105 104 103 102
accountability
https://www.myproana...51-its-go-time/
#66
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Advanced Warrior
Posted Today, 01:43 PM
earthmoon, on 19 Mar 2022 - 11:21 AM, said:
wooo 181.4! it makes sense that one instance of fast food wouldn't affect your weight loss trajectory and you've been consistently burning cals and restricting so this is probably just the real weight! rice cakes and ham, snack of champions!!! what did you think?
I DIDNT CREDIT U FOR THE CREATION :OOOO IM SORRY I FORGOT HAHAHA omg it is so yummy it is so good for salt cravings!!! and i am v excited about the loss, i weighed myself in the kitchen, living room, my room about 20182829229 times and it is real!
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#67
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Advanced Warrior
Posted Today, 01:43 PM
Anna2016, on 19 Mar 2022 - 11:37 AM, said:
Yeyy!!
v excited! thank you for always being encouraging!
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#68
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Advanced Warrior
Posted Today, 01:44 PM
anitsirk2.o, on 19 Mar 2022 - 12:46 PM, said:
congratulations on the loss!!
i understand your hesitation in believing it, but it's real!!
ahhhh thank you!!! i think it is a sign that increasing my intake will defo work because i truly believe if i had low res that day (i mean it technically was still low res but my usual low res) i wouldn’t of lost that much!
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Advanced Sage
- LocationAustralia
Posted Today, 04:26 AM
Stats as at 17/3/22
Height: 5'10
Weight: 127.6 lbs / 57.87 kg
BMI: 18.31
Next weigh in: Friday 25/3/22
Tracking:
17-Mar - 127.6 lbs / 57.87 kg / BMI 18.31
02-Mar - 129.0 lbs / 59.50 kg / BMI 18.52
♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
Actually had a really nice day today. Had a really positive talk with my SO about some big stuff that's happened with us and I'm feeling a lot steadier than I have been for a long time. We went to a bunch of charity shops, both got some nice clothes, and had a really nice drive. Was just a really nice day. Spent the afternoon organising my clothes (desperately needed doing!) and chatting with my SO with some music on.
Breakfast (297) was yoghurt with Morello cherries, a black coffee, and two Quest peanut butter cups.
Lunch (232) was SO GOOD hahaha it felt a bit crazy to do but oh my god I've been missing this?? I don't know, bizarre, but amazingly good. Literally just a bowl of Deb instant potato, with a steakhouse gravy finishing sauce.
Dinner (358) was vegan duck, cucumbers with ACV and chilli flakes, a dish of coconut aminos, and a mini naan bread.
Dessert (69) was a Paul's low fat chocolate mousse.
Day total was 956.
#60
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Lord Heisenburg
- LocationSydney Australia
Posted Today, 04:53 AM
Following
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I have a youtube channel too!
subscribe if ya want
(going to upload videos soon!.. more ed content and random shit)
https://www.youtube....w_as=subscriber
"Heis,
You are you,
Perfection and goals,
How I long to see you be whole" - S'mores
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Omniscient
- LocationGeordieland, UK
Posted 17 March 2022 - 01:19 PM
You know I'm on a major diet for the wedding? And I've got binge eating problems? So I've got a handful of "safe foods" that everyone knows not to touch. This has worked for months with no issues. Today he decides to just give my food to his kids. No asking me. No apology. First I knew about it was his kid walking into the room eating it. Then he shouts at me for getting upset. This is the guy I'm supposed to marry next month!
My 5ft0 Adventures with High Restriction - Daily Fatty Photos - drop by and give me some mojo! 
#973
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Omniscient
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Posted Today, 05:09 AM
Normal service resuming. We kissed and made up. Had a calm and respectful convo about the situ.
In other news, look at this dog:
As an autistic person, he makes me smile <3
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My 5ft0 Adventures with High Restriction - Daily Fatty Photos - drop by and give me some mojo!
#974
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Advanced Sage
- LocationEurope
Posted Today, 01:04 PM
I'm glad you and your SO made up.
Your reaction was completely normal. I too would have been upset if the same thing happened to me. Normies have a hard time understanding how our mind works and why we need structure and order in our life (like "safe foods"). For them it might not be a big deal, but for us it is.
Love the dog meme (so cute!)
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Advanced Warrior
- LocationUK
Posted Yesterday, 03:02 PM
Food Update:
I've eaten a protein cookie, a fibre one 90 bar (89cals), some chicken nuggets, some homemade chips baked with vegetable oil, black pepper, sea salt and paprika. I've also had a pot of jelly (5cals) and 4 digestive (plain biscuits), plus a banana. I feel satisfied.
Exercise:
Steps: 9978
Distance walked: 6.6km
Time walked: 1h 30m
Distance cycled: 4.3km
Time cycled: 30m
Calories burned: 157 (cycling) + 538.6 (walking) = 695cals total
I didn't get treated by the physio bc my tempurature was too high (37.7C every time which is 'viral'). I took a covid test when I cycled back home and it was negative, so that's a relief, so the tempurature isn't due to that. I hope everyone has had a good day, mine ended up being fine despite it being bad in the beginning (My migraine was awful this morning, I hate my head. I had to wear a cold pack from the freezer and put my hat on top of it for a while to ease the pain a bit).
he/him
stats:
height: 5'4 (164cm)
99kg 98kg 97kg 96kg 95kg 94kg 93kg 92kg 91kg 90kg
89kg 88kg 87kg 86kg 85kg 84kg 83kg 82kg 81kg 80kg
79kg 78kg 77kg 76kg 75kg 74kg 73kg 72kg 71kg 70kg
69kg 68kg 67kg 66kg 65kg 64kg 63kg 62kg 61kg 60kg
59kg 58kg 57kg 56kg 55kg 54kg 53kg 52kg 51kg 50kg
49kg 48kg 47kg
LW
GW1
GW2
GW3
GW4
UGW
#43
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- 302 posts
Advanced Warrior
- LocationUK
Posted Today, 05:20 AM
SW: 98.5kg
CW: 97.2kg
At least I lost a bit since yesterday. Kind of annoyed I'm in the 97s again but I will just have to exercise more and watch what I eat today.
Food Intake:
Porridge with semi skimmed milk, linseeds, banana and chia seeds and a mini apple.
#44
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Warrior
Posted Today, 08:21 AM
You’re going to be losing again in no time! ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ
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#45
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Advanced Warrior
- LocationUK
Posted Today, 08:51 AM
Food Update:
I've eaten 2 mini apples, a clemetine, some greek yoghurt with black grapes, pomegranate seeds and blueberries and 4 rich tea biscuits (38cals per biscuit). I think I am doing ok so far.
Exercise Update:
Steps: 6021 (so far)
Distance walked: 4km (so far)
Time walked: 54m (so far)
Calories burned: 323.1 (so far)
I did some food shopping at the markets in town and it wasn't that expensive at all, in fact the fruits and veg can be much cheaper than going to a supermarket. I've also been doing some chores like washing the dishes and washing clothes
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Advanced Warrior
Posted 17 March 2022 - 04:35 PM
thursday 03.17.22
164.7 (-.5)
{solid}
1 clementine (35)
1 macintosh apple (80)
5 baby carrots (30)
2tbsp everything hummus (50)
1 flax pita (60)
1 mini cucumber (10)
2 kiwi (90)
5 strawberries (20)
1 chocolate pretzel granola bar (150)
2tbsp popcorn (100)
{liquid}
4oz simply orange with mango (60)
20oz coffee
2tbsp sugar free coffee creamer (40)
12oz sparkling water
28oz water
TOTAL 725 CALORIES
164.7!!! half way through the 160s!!
how exciting!
i popped 2 tbsp popcorn, not sure exactly what volume popped that made.
but i'm calling it 100 calories.
i shouldn't have had the granola bar. i just remembered i have them.
i might have some applesauce too. or just go to bed we'll see.
i saw my psychiatrist today.
we discussed my lack of energy. he suggested i take a multivitamin.
he also said i should have a nutrition consult because i don't eat meat.
um, no thanks, i'm all set.
what would a nutritionist say if they saw my diet???
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
167 166 165 164 163 162 161 160
159 158 157 156 155 154 153 152 151 150
149 148 147 146 145 144 143 142 141 140
139 138 137 136 135 134 133 132 131 130
129 128 127 126 125 124 123 122 121 120
119 118 117 116 115 114 113 112 111 110
109 108 107 106 105 104 103 102
accountability
https://www.myproana...51-its-go-time/
#64
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Advanced Warrior
Posted 17 March 2022 - 04:58 PM
I was just looking through all my weights on my phone. The first weight I recorded was 179.3
I’m down 15.6 pounds in 4 months.
For half that time I was eating whatever I wanted…cupcakes, pasta, Oreos, pizza…
I know it will come off faster now that I’m actively restricting. I was just happy to see a 15 pound loss 😊
So no, I’m not eating anything else tonight.
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
167 166 165 164 163 162 161 160
159 158 157 156 155 154 153 152 151 150
149 148 147 146 145 144 143 142 141 140
139 138 137 136 135 134 133 132 131 130
129 128 127 126 125 124 123 122 121 120
119 118 117 116 115 114 113 112 111 110
109 108 107 106 105 104 103 102
accountability
https://www.myproana...51-its-go-time/
#65
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Advanced Warrior
Posted 17 March 2022 - 05:16 PM
anitsirk2.o, on 16 Mar 2022 - 09:56 AM, said:
165.2!!! Down .2 more!
Can’t wait to teach my goals. First goal is 160. I get pizza when I make it!
Work is boring today. Wish I was home!
Going to be a good day though…
ooh do post a pic when u get ur pizza!!! what sorta toppings are you gonna get? god i love pizza, the ULTIMATE FOOD
#66
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Advanced Warrior
Posted 17 March 2022 - 05:18 PM
anitsirk2.o, on 15 Mar 2022 - 3:05 PM, said:
This is 90 calories!!!
I used 2tbsp popcorn kernels and microwave it for 3 minutes. Next time I’ll make less
I ate it plain (my mom asked if i used salt and butter…no mom…then she asked if that’s my dinner…yes mom…)
I might eat some hummus later actually. We’ll see. I have Bible study at 7 (it’s6:27 now).
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90 cals for that much popcorn?! I KEEP PUTTING OFF BUYING THIS BOWL AND FOR WHY? it is a miracle worker😂
#67
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- 402 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted 17 March 2022 - 06:08 PM
tilldeath, on 17 Mar 2022 - 5:18 PM, said:
90 cals for that much popcorn?! I KEEP PUTTING OFF BUYING THIS BOWL AND FOR WHY? it is a miracle worker😂
But the bowl!!!! It’s magical!!
The popcorn is 140 calories for 7 cups popped!! I made 2/3 of that (2tbsp unpopped) which comes to 90-100 calories!
I’m still figuring it all out.
Oh, and I will surely post a pizza pic!!
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
167 166 165 164 163 162 161 160
159 158 157 156 155 154 153 152 151 150
149 148 147 146 145 144 143 142 141 140
139 138 137 136 135 134 133 132 131 130
129 128 127 126 125 124 123 122 121 120
119 118 117 116 115 114 113 112 111 110
109 108 107 106 105 104 103 102
accountability
https://www.myproana...51-its-go-time/
#68
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- 584 posts
Advanced Guru
Posted 17 March 2022 - 08:27 PM
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#71
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- 201 posts
Warrior
Posted Yesterday, 12:12 AM
that chickpea salad looks so good omg...and that is amazing that you've lost over 15 lbs!! well done!!!!
🌒🌍🌘
stats
SW: 176 // 80 · GW1: 165 // 75 · GW2: 154 // 70 · GW3: 143 // 65 · GW4: 132 // 60 · GW5: 121 // 55 · UGW: 110 // 50
🍃 accountability 🍃
#72
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- 402 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted Yesterday, 10:12 AM
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
167 166 165 164 163 162 161 160
159 158 157 156 155 154 153 152 151 150
149 148 147 146 145 144 143 142 141 140
139 138 137 136 135 134 133 132 131 130
129 128 127 126 125 124 123 122 121 120
119 118 117 116 115 114 113 112 111 110
109 108 107 106 105 104 103 102
accountability
https://www.myproana...51-its-go-time/
#73
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- 1573 posts
Advanced Sage
Posted Yesterday, 03:55 PM
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#74
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- 402 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted Yesterday, 04:40 PM
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
167 166 165 164 163 162 161 160
159 158 157 156 155 154 153 152 151 150
149 148 147 146 145 144 143 142 141 140
139 138 137 136 135 134 133 132 131 130
129 128 127 126 125 124 123 122 121 120
119 118 117 116 115 114 113 112 111 110
109 108 107 106 105 104 103 102
accountability
https://www.myproana...51-its-go-time/
#75
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- 402 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted Yesterday, 04:55 PM
friday 03.18.22
165.5 (+.8)
avg 165.3
{solid}
1 stonyfield smoothie pouch (70)
1 clementine (35)
1 macintosh apple (80)
5 baby carrots (30)
1 mini cucumber (10)
1 kiwi (45)
1 blueberry applesauce (50)
{liquid}
4oz simply orange with mango (60)
20oz coffee
2tbsp sugar free coffee creamer (40)
12oz sparkling water
36oz water
TOTAL 420 CALORIES
first, THANK YOU to @earthmoon for the formula to figure out my average weight!
i was up 1.1 today but i know it is just water so i'm not mad.
it was a BEAUTIFUL day! 73 degrees!
i actually went for a walk after work. i did 5 laps around my complex, it took 50 minutes and i burned 306 calories.
i'm so proud!
but it's going to rain tomorrow, boo.
i could do that though, i could go for walks after work more often. i should.
on my walk i saw 2 fat girls and wondered if people were looking at me and thinking *fat girl walking*
i didn't eat very much today. i should have had even less.
i'm quite hungry and not tired yet (7:54pm).
so i might end up eating something more. maybe an ice pop.
so grateful it is the weekend!!!
you are all amazing!!! thank you for following my journey!!
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
167 166 165 164 163 162 161 160
159 158 157 156 155 154 153 152 151 150
149 148 147 146 145 144 143 142 141 140
139 138 137 136 135 134 133 132 131 130
129 128 127 126 125 124 123 122 121 120
119 118 117 116 115 114 113 112 111 110
109 108 107 106 105 104 103 102
accountability
https://www.myproana...51-its-go-time/
#76
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- 402 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted Yesterday, 05:32 PM
i'm eating a square of peppermint bark (70 calories)
i bought a bunch of it on clearance after christmas super cheap. they're individually wrapped and are a nice treat.
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
167 166 165 164 163 162 161 160
159 158 157 156 155 154 153 152 151 150
149 148 147 146 145 144 143 142 141 140
139 138 137 136 135 134 133 132 131 130
129 128 127 126 125 124 123 122 121 120
119 118 117 116 115 114 113 112 111 110
109 108 107 106 105 104 103 102
accountability
https://www.myproana...51-its-go-time/
#77
- Accountability access
- 402 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted Today, 02:14 AM
good news, I weigh 164.3!!
It’s going to rain so i can’t walk. But I’m going to target, Starbucks (I want an iced peach green tea, but I need to research calories), bath and body works, and the grocery store and to get expensive gas. Busy day!!!
💕💕I hope you all have a lovely day!! 💕💕
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
167 166 165 164 163 162 161 160
159 158 157 156 155 154 153 152 151 150
149 148 147 146 145 144 143 142 141 140
139 138 137 136 135 134 133 132 131 130
129 128 127 126 125 124 123 122 121 120
119 118 117 116 115 114 113 112 111 110
109 108 107 106 105 104 103 102
accountability
https://www.myproana...51-its-go-time/
#78
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- 402 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted Today, 05:56 AM
10:08am
still in bed
not feeling motivated to go anywhere.
only consumed orange juice.
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
167 166 165 164 163 162 161 160
159 158 157 156 155 154 153 152 151 150
149 148 147 146 145 144 143 142 141 140
139 138 137 136 135 134 133 132 131 130
129 128 127 126 125 124 123 122 121 120
119 118 117 116 115 114 113 112 111 110
109 108 107 106 105 104 103 102
accountability
https://www.myproana...51-its-go-time/
#79
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- 170 posts
Warrior
Posted Today, 08:16 AM
Starbucks, Target, Bath and Body Works sound so fun! Sounds like a shopping center we have around here, but. Maybe those things are in liminal space, and they all are the same. Sometimes you gotta have a chill day, so i hope your day goes how you want it.
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#80
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- 402 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted Today, 09:28 AM
130 calories for 22 crispy light pea pod shaped deliciousness!!!
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good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
167 166 165 164 163 162 161 160
159 158 157 156 155 154 153 152 151 150
149 148 147 146 145 144 143 142 141 140
139 138 137 136 135 134 133 132 131 130
129 128 127 126 125 124 123 122 121 120
119 118 117 116 115 114 113 112 111 110
109 108 107 106 105 104 103 102
accountability
https://www.myproana...51-its-go-time/
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Sage
- LocationThe Tardis
Posted Today, 10:13 AM
How y’all are you?
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#82
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- 201 posts
Warrior
Posted Today, 11:07 AM
those pea pod shaped snacks are SO FLIPPIN cuuuuute!!! hope you're having a lovely dayyyy 🌼
🌒🌍🌘
stats
SW: 176 // 80 · GW1: 165 // 75 · GW2: 154 // 70 · GW3: 143 // 65 · GW4: 132 // 60 · GW5: 121 // 55 · UGW: 110 // 50
🍃 accountability 🍃
#83
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- 291 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted Today, 12:24 PM
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#84
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- 291 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted Today, 12:25 PM
earthmoon, on 19 Mar 2022 - 11:07 AM, said:
those pea pod shaped snacks are SO FLIPPIN cuuuuute!!! hope you're having a lovely dayyyy
lidl & aldi do them if u have never tried them they are so fucken good even before ed brain kicked in i used to devour them
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#85
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- 291 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted Today, 12:25 PM
tilldeath, on 19 Mar 2022 - 12:25 PM, said:
lidl & aldi do them if u have never tried them they are so fucken good even before ed brain kicked in i used to devour them & about 87 cals a packet!
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#86
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Posted Today, 01:31 PM
tilldeath, on 19 Mar 2022 - 12:25 PM, said:
lidl & aldi do them if u have never tried them they are so fucken good even before ed brain kicked in i used to devour them
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they're addicting! i ate too many already xxx
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
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#87
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Posted Today, 02:00 PM
thittlelighs, on 19 Mar 2022 - 10:13 AM, said:
Following
How y’all are you?
hi!
i'm 5'2
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
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Posted Today, 02:03 PM
anitsirk2.o, on 19 Mar 2022 - 2:00 PM, said:
hi!
i'm 5'2
But how y’all are you?😂
Hah, just kidding 😅 couldn’t figure it out before you relplied 😭
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Posted Today, 03:08 PM
anitsirk2.o, on 19 Mar 2022 - 2:00 PM, said:
oops* ahaha! Thanks for understanding my typo! 😍 tall*hi!
i'm 5'2
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Posted Today, 04:24 PM
Anna2016, on 19 Mar 2022 - 2:03 PM, said:
But how y’all are you?😂
Hah, just kidding 😅 couldn’t figure it out before you relplied 😭
😅😅😅 haha! I blame my fat fingers, phone’s AI, and being too lazy to proofread lol.
#91
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Posted Today, 04:40 PM
satruday 03.19.22
164.3 (-1.2)
avg 165.02
{solid}
~44 green pea snacks (260)
1 lime (20)
3oz papperdelle pasta (315)
.5cup marinara sauce (70)
1 kiwi (45)
1 square peppermint bark (70)
{liquid}
4oz simply orange with mango (60)
venti starbucks peach green tea lemonade (130)
12oz reduced cal hot chocolate (35)
12oz sparkling water
~24oz water
TOTAL 1005 CALORIES
higher than usual intake day.
i went to target and got vitamins and coffee. i got b12 and a multivitamin. i hope they give me energy.
i got my starbucks peach green tea lemonade.
it was delicious.
i ate most of the green pea snacks. roughly 2/3 of the bag. oops.
they're like, really good.
and i made pasta.
i don't usually eat hot meals so it was nice to use my stove.
my weight is back down, i think yesterday's weigh in was just off.
slightly nervous about eating 1000 calories.
but it is still less than a normal person would eat.
i'll be fine.
goodnight!
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
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#92
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Posted Today, 04:41 PM
thittlelighs, on 19 Mar 2022 - 3:08 PM, said:
oops* ahaha! Thanks for understanding my typo! tall*
haha, no worries.
i wasn't positive if you were asking how we all (y'all) were doing, or how tall i was. so i guessed and was right!
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
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149 148 147 146 145 144 143 142 141 140
139 138 137 136 135 134 133 132 131 130
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Posted Yesterday, 03:57 PM
#11
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Posted Today, 06:05 AM
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Posted Today, 12:38 PM
to 89
#1
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Posted 27 December 2020 - 06:21 AM
Yesterday began my official quest to 89lbs. Liquid fasted yesterday. Going to post here daily. Post weight and thoughts from the day and plan for the day too. This pandemic and hospitalizations caused weight gain, unfortunately. Have many diagnosis. Ranging from autism to psychosis to ptsd to anorexia. The only one have control over is anorexia cant go back and fix things but can return to the weight that I was happy at and eating. So this is my quest!
Thanks for reading if you do
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Posted 31 December 2020 - 07:01 AM
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Posted 05 January 2021 - 05:50 AM
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Posted Today, 07:50 AM
cw 164.8
bitch wtf why do i even ovulate, its literally life-threatening if i got pregnant smh i hate this
im so bloated and i feel so ~floppy~ gah MY BACK HURTS lmao
how tf is this supposed to make me want to get pregnant more?
bodies dont make sense
anyway i'm doing homework for my nutrition class and i love reading and learning more about "bad" lab results, eating disorders, refeeding syndromes, nutrition deficiencies, and the calories in solutions used in feeding tubes...
no, for real, this is legit the only class my brain is functioning well in
hope y'all are doing well. i'm not but it's going to be ok.
intake:
70g sorbet - 105cal
79g vanilla ic - 130cal
79g vanilla ic - 130cal
250g chicken tenders - ~700 cal
1065?
-
//song//
this is angsty but goes fuckn hard tbh.
when this song first meant a lot to me, i think i was at my ~most attractive~
and so the lyrics/vibe kinda punch me now when i attribute it to my disordered eating, comparing how i look now vs then
"beach blonde hair
your skin so fair
It isn't fair, that i can't have you
who tf are you?
you fuck me up like crazy
really wanna see you
thought we could hang, maybe"
#584
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Posted Today, 07:16 PM
chocostar, on 19 Mar 2022 - 08:12 AM, said:
Sending you the hugs. You’re still kicking butt~
And that song smacks. ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ
bless you <3
#585
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Posted Yesterday, 06:54 PM
I'll go by the 2% rule for bp. I think my biggest binge was 20000 which is 400 cals but usually its not that much, I'll try and eat under 200 cals a day or something
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Posted Today, 07:52 AM
Anyways I had 100g yoghurt 50 cals
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Posted Yesterday, 02:03 PM
chocostar, on 18 Mar 2022 - 08:35 AM, said:
That’s such a pretty picture! It looks so relaxing and peaceful.
Frozen fruit is so good! Esp with mangos, omg!
thank you love!! it was so serene... if it wasn't so cold (and if there was no work) it would have been lovely to just sit and watch the waves all morning 🥰🥰 frozen mangoes get a BIG thumbs up, that was my first time trying them! do you have any other frozen fruit recs?
anitsirk2.o, on 18 Mar 2022 - 10:26 AM, said:
Your amazing!! Waking up at 6 to exercise!
I wake up at 5:45 but I don’t move my boat lol.
Spring is coming!!! You’ll be able to do so much more outside soon. That’s so nice you live near the beach, do you go swimming too?
Boo to scales being weird. How do you calculate your average?
aw pal thanks much much!! spring is so so needed rn, i cannot handle another second of wintertime!!! i never go swimming (i'm not really a water baby) but i love kayaking! my friend built a kayak and refurbed another (she's one of those carpentry lesbians) so we're going to go out on the water once the sea stops being so flippin chilly! do you swim? @tilldeath and i were chatting abt it the other day and it's such good exercise!!
to calculate my average i add together the most recent 5 days of weights and then divide that total by five! i track all my weights in a spreadsheet, so now every time i put a new weight in, the formula removes the oldest weight from the calculation and adds the newest one in instead.
if you track your weights in a spreadsheet, here's the formula and instructions to add a rolling average (behind a cut bc i'm sure this is very dull):
=average((indirect("C"&13+(counta(C13:C)-5))):(indirect("C"&13+(counta(C13:C)-1))))
instructions!
- copy the formula above and paste it into your spreadsheet, wherever you'd like your average to show
- change all instances of the letter "C" to whichever column you're tracking your weights in
- change all instances of "13" to the topmost row number of your weights (not counting any header rows)
- change the "5" to the number of weights you'd like it to average each time
if you have any questions, feel free to ask me - i love spreadsheets :3
nighttime update: i had a HECK of a day with the cravings... ooooof 😬 ended up with...
snacks: three tbsp (unpopped volume (henceforth known as UV)) popcorn (150) and a rice cake (43) with three slices of ham (33) and a few chunks of frozen mango (?)
dinner: a carrot pea and sweetcorn stir fry, which was all those things plus about a 1/4 cup of rice and seasonings. now i'm finally full but what on earth happened today! makes me nervous... like i'm still under my tdee but it was a scary feeling wanting to snack and eat all day long and i felt absolutely miserable about it 😐 had a headache until i ate dinner too.. ugh, bodies!
tomorrow is a rest day for sure; my thighs are tired and it can't be DOMS so it's probably fatigue. my worst nightmare is getting injured and not being able to exercise anymore, so i'm gonna cool it on the overwork and take it easy tomorrow, eat lightly and drink loads of water
🌙 i'll say bye now before i go nosy about on your threads. g'night 🌙
🌒🌍🌘
stats
SW: 176 // 80 · GW1: 165 // 75 · GW2: 154 // 70 · GW3: 143 // 65 · GW4: 132 // 60 · GW5: 121 // 55 · UGW: 110 // 50
🍃 accountability 🍃
#110
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Posted Yesterday, 04:38 PM
HOLY CRAP that spreadsheet equation is GENIUS!!! it works!!!
i will now be tracking my weights in excel, lol.
i don't really swim. my apartment has an outdoor pool in the summer, but i look like a whale.
also, listen to your body. try not to push yourself too far. and yes, keep up the water intake!!!
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
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Posted Today, 02:19 AM
anitsirk2.o, on 18 Mar 2022 - 4:38 PM, said:
HOLY CRAP that spreadsheet equation is GENIUS!!! it works!!!
i will now be tracking my weights in excel, lol.
i don't really swim. my apartment has an outdoor pool in the summer, but i look like a whale.
also, listen to your body. try not to push yourself too far. and yes, keep up the water intake!!!
aggghhh YAY i'm so glad you got a chance to use it!!! it took like 45 mins of proper VIBRATING my brain to work out how to make it automatic lmao but it's super convenient and worth it now it's done. also it makes me feel less attached to each daily weight bc i can see the average continuing to go down
omg yes 100% know that feeling of not wanting to be seen in a swimsuit yet, we're gonna get there but it's a drag in the meantime. also... not to be a princess but i hate getting chlorine in my hair and eyes :3 you're right though, today really needs to be a rest day, i can't keep working out on tired muscles every day. thanks for looking out babe!!! 🌷🌷🌷
~~~~~
gooooood morning! tmi but i feel so bloated and heavy...
🌸🌸🌸
~weigh in~
(changes from last week)
today's weight: 170.0 (-0.7)
rolling average: 169.98 (-1.88)
change since last weigh: +0.5 lbs // 0.23 kg
change since sw: -6.4 lbs // 2.9 kg
journey to GW1: 176 175 174 173 172 171 170 169 168 167 166 165
🌸🌸🌸
no change since last week in my actual weight, but my average is now in the 160s - confusing! once again, i'm just gonna stick with the plan and be patient (: change will come!
today i'm going to have an apple and soya yoghurt for bfast (even though, yes, i want to eat nothing) and i'll maybe skip lunch since i'm going to be at the desk all day. might have the same dinner as yday but without the rice this time - it didn't really need it in the end and was plenty filling!
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Posted Today, 03:01 AM
Have a beautiful day 🥰
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
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#114
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Posted Today, 11:06 AM
thanks loves!!! 💖
a v quick check in:
didn't eat any proper meals today because i knew i'd be snacking a lot while i worked
- 3 tbsp (UV) popcorn (150)
- two rice cakes (86)
- 7 slices of ham (77)
- fibre one bar (90ish?)
- about 1/2 cup frozen mango (100)
503 altogether. felt a bit nervy but it's ok now! 🌿 (i know i'm doing a shit job of not counting calories... it's so hard not to!)
outside of working and snacking, i had to catch a mouse my neighbour's cat brought (live) into her house! did NOT think i'd be holding a live wild rodent in my bare hands today looooool. anyway, i released him into the garden, but neighbour kitty caught him again within an hour, so my neighbour brought him to me in a box and i called the animal rescue service. they were really sweet and checked him over (even though they were so busy today - such good guys) and said he's gonna be ok!!!! yaaaay!! photo of little mouse behind a cut for anyone curious:
my gf and i are, for some reason, the go-to people for assisting local wildlife around here so we've rescued a lot of little pals, but this is our first rodent
anyway, dinner tonight will be same as yday. easy ✅ safe ✅ quick ✅ yummy ✅
#115
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Posted Today, 12:29 PM
have you found a way to flavour the popcorn yet or do you just eat it nakey? i have just got an amazon prime free trial so rip my bank account. popcorn bowl you WILL be mine !!!Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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Posted Today, 01:46 PM
proper meals are overrated, you did great!!
and oh my goodness you caught a MOUSE???you're brave!
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
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159 158 157 156 155 154 153 152 151 150
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Posted Today, 01:59 PM
tilldeath, on 19 Mar 2022 - 12:29 PM, said:
WHAT A LIL DUDE I LOVE WILDLIFE SO MUCH
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ello love! isn't he SO CUUUUUUTE!!! he was so soft :') and the sspca person said he's gonna get released somewhere safe 💕 YASSS POPCORN PALS join usssss!! i grind salt w a pestle & mortar and sprinkle that on top - it's good!! because it's really fine, the salt sticks pretty ok without oil/butter - you could use one of those low/1 cal cooking sprays maybe to make flavours stick better? @anitsirk2.o how do you eat your popcorn? (i wish we could actually @ people on here...)
~~~~~
night update: i got about halfway through dinner and had an urge to brush my teeth (thank u ocd) so now i'll have to wait to eat the second half (proper meals really ARE overrated haha!!) thankfully, i'll be pulling an all-nighter for work tonight (RIP my digestion and weight loss and wellbeing) so i'll have that while i slowly lose my marbles at the computer. at least it'll be nice to watch the sun come up!
night night for now (i'll probably be back, fretting, before dawn) 🌙
#119
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Posted Today, 03:41 PM
I’ve been eating it naked but cooking it an extra 10 seconds so it’s not burnt but tastes a little well done if that makes sense
I saw these on Amazon. 2-5 calories? Can it be true? I might try the cheesy jalapeño
https://kernelseason...nal-information
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
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159 158 157 156 155 154 153 152 151 150
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#120
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Posted Today, 10:54 PM
sun's coming up, and i'm going to bed. why do i do this job!! see youse tomorrow... today... later? sob sob :')
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Posted Yesterday, 02:23 PM
#358
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Posted Today, 08:28 AM
morning weigh in: 199.0
intake:
• coffee with almond milk & stevia (30)
• scrambled egg whites (40)
• bread (100)
• quesadillas (225)
• funfetti ice cream cup (90)
exercise:
• stationary bike, 20 minutes, ~17mph (-160)
total: 485 (325 net)
well, i
i’m debating between low res (because i like having some level of energy and not feeling ravenous all day) and fasting (because i want to get lower as fast as possible).
i need to do more research into ketosis. or just download the life fasting app, since everyone else seems to like it so much and it looks like it tells you when you’re in ketosis.
thirty minutes until my intermittent fast ends and then i can decide if i want to fast another 24 hours or not. i want eggs for breakfast so bad, though. a few egg whites and some coffee sounds absolutely amazing right now. maybe i’ll just have the coffee, though, and make it a liquid fast day (like i said i was going to yesterday).
i don’t know. i feel like a whoosh might be coming, but maybe that’s just wishful thinking.
anyway, i’m just rambling at this point, so i’ll update this later.
#359
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Posted Today, 09:27 AM
breakfast was… disappointing. the eggs scrambled weird because of the pan i used and the bread (a tiny steak roll) was weirdly chewy. the coffee wasn’t bad, though it is still just… coffee with almond milk and stevia.
it only came out to 170 cals total, but it still feels like a waste.
i’m aiming for under 500 again today; that means i have about 330 left for another meal and maybe a snack. i suppose that means it’s time to check the kitchen and see what else i can have today. i’m hoping my roommate and i might be able to go grocery shopping again today so i can get some more cauliflower rice (the safest of my safe foods — note to self: plain cauli rice is only $1 a bag, so stock up!!!!). otherwise, i don’t know what we have that i can make work within my cal budget.
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Posted Today, 10:15 AM
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Posted Today, 10:52 AM
#150
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Posted Today, 11:13 AM
workingonit123, on 19 Mar 2022 - 10:52 AM, said:
This trip has stressed me out. I am terrified I’ve gained so much. I may or may not wait until the 27th to weigh so that I can get back into it. I’m so exhausted. I feel so uncomfortable with my body I’m hoping I can get rid of whatever awful weight I’ve probably gained. I really want to be 125 or less this month.
You've got PLENTY of time to weigh less than 125 this month! You can do it <3
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Posted Today, 10:53 AM
START: 12 PM
Going to the gym
I hope I run more than 10 minutes this time, also I need to figure out how to build my life better, i feel like im literally sitting in the backseat of driving my life right now, wish I was doing more, very passive way of being right now LOL. I’ve set a few goals for myself this month, so far I’ve lived up to one of them. Better than nothing but i hope i can achieve the artistic one—- to all artists/people who want to go into a creative field out there, doesn’t it suck feeling like you’re just one drop in a bath tub of millions of other drops of water trying to accomplish the same shit and you don’t feel like you’re anymore deserving of winning at it than the other people but at the same time it’s a type of field where it’s like, you either are at the top or you’re a starving artist so you have no choice but to believe in yourself as being the main one deserving of winning/being successful but it feels so wrong and also untrue but you have to build up that delusion or else you won’t push yourself to get there? I’m grateful that this is my main first world problem tho, could be a LOT worse LOL
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Posted Yesterday, 04:06 PM
Choco_Bitch_612, on 18 Mar 2022 - 1:46 PM, said:
i feel you 100%, i just have no discipline and always choose pleasure from food over anything else. i just feel like i don't try hard enough
as for the family ordering tasty food thing, one thing i like to do is just pack away what they bought me for later! that way, i can eat it on my own terms and still lose weight without having to feel the guilt of eating something unplanned or the fear of missing out
First part; relatable. Second part; I'll try that, putting the food away for later.
Age: 19
Height: 5'3
SW: Heckin fat
CW: In the 15 stones
UGW: 13st 7lb (13.5st)
Currently on my weight loss journey. Join me on my accountability: New me | Sandcastle
Starting at a higher BMI forum. Follow my accountability for me details of my stats. Join my weight loss journey with me.
#7
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Posted Today, 12:44 PM
Not long been back from visiting an "all you can eat" buffet with the fam. The fold there never disappoints, it's amazing! Usually I feel guilty after eating but I didn't today and I thoroughly enjoyed the food - but I ate in moderation.
Now I'm drinking alcohol and am planning to drink heavily tonight. No idea what my weight is today but I'll update that tomorrow.
(19/03/2022)
Age: 19
Height: 5'3
SW: Heckin fat
CW: In the 15 stones
UGW: 13st 7lb (13.5st)
Currently on my weight loss journey. Join me on my accountability: New me | Sandcastle
Starting at a higher BMI forum. Follow my accountability for me details of my stats. Join my weight loss journey with me.
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Posted Yesterday, 03:42 PM
protein oatmeal - 167
calories: 517
🍄 starting bmi: 18ish 🍄
🌸 goal bmi: 16ish 🌸
🌴 height: 181cm 🌴
🤡 clownery, foolishness, and bad vibes 🤡
🤰🏻fat roll registry 🤰🏻
🥂 drink wine 🥂
❄️ snort lines ❄️
#199
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Posted Today, 12:54 PM
garlic bread - 50
chew spit half a pizza - est 500
fruit nuggets - 75
2 oreos - 92
calories: 717
ate so much last night ah fuck whoopsie
🍄 starting bmi: 18ish 🍄
🌸 goal bmi: 16ish 🌸
🌴 height: 181cm 🌴
🤡 clownery, foolishness, and bad vibes 🤡
🤰🏻fat roll registry 🤰🏻
🥂 drink wine 🥂
❄️ snort lines ❄️
#200
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Posted Today, 04:02 PM
cookies - 123
tropical smoothie mix - 110
calories: 950
i’m gonna work out later and i’m so excited
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🍄 starting bmi: 18ish 🍄
🌸 goal bmi: 16ish 🌸
🌴 height: 181cm 🌴
🤡 clownery, foolishness, and bad vibes 🤡
🤰🏻fat roll registry 🤰🏻
🥂 drink wine 🥂
❄️ snort lines ❄️
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Posted Today, 09:32 PM
biscoff biscuits - 100
walk to asian supermarket - 395
calories: 1050
exercise: 395
now I cbf exercising agh
🍄 starting bmi: 18ish 🍄
🌸 goal bmi: 16ish 🌸
🌴 height: 181cm 🌴
🤡 clownery, foolishness, and bad vibes 🤡
🤰🏻fat roll registry 🤰🏻
🥂 drink wine 🥂
❄️ snort lines ❄️
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Omniscient
Posted 15 March 2022 - 08:25 PM
🍄 starting bmi: 18ish 🍄
🌸 goal bmi: 16ish 🌸
🌴 height: 181cm 🌴
🤡 clownery, foolishness, and bad vibes 🤡
🤰🏻fat roll registry 🤰🏻
🥂 drink wine 🥂
❄️ snort lines ❄️
#1564
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Omniscient
Posted 16 March 2022 - 12:20 AM
🍄 starting bmi: 18ish 🍄
🌸 goal bmi: 16ish 🌸
🌴 height: 181cm 🌴
🤡 clownery, foolishness, and bad vibes 🤡
🤰🏻fat roll registry 🤰🏻
🥂 drink wine 🥂
❄️ snort lines ❄️
#1565
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Omniscient
Posted 17 March 2022 - 01:38 PM
anyways why go on tinder and match with a guy if you don’t feel that instant rip my clothes up and fuck my shit up connection? “I bet he’s really sweet!” do u know this man? no
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🍄 starting bmi: 18ish 🍄
🌸 goal bmi: 16ish 🌸
🌴 height: 181cm 🌴
🤡 clownery, foolishness, and bad vibes 🤡
🤰🏻fat roll registry 🤰🏻
🥂 drink wine 🥂
❄️ snort lines ❄️
#1566
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Omniscient
Posted 17 March 2022 - 09:38 PM
🍄 starting bmi: 18ish 🍄
🌸 goal bmi: 16ish 🌸
🌴 height: 181cm 🌴
🤡 clownery, foolishness, and bad vibes 🤡
🤰🏻fat roll registry 🤰🏻
🥂 drink wine 🥂
❄️ snort lines ❄️
#1567
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Omniscient
Posted Today, 12:57 PM
last night was so depressing
I met up w my uni friends at a pub and it was really depressing. No one got super drunk and we talked about how life is monotonous and unchallenging now we’ve graduated and started our comfy monotonous unthreatening above the median income jobs. Every week feels the same so you go hard on the weekends and when you’re blacking out friday saturday’s every weekend starts to feel the same too. I need to stop eating but I can’t
🍄 starting bmi: 18ish 🍄
🌸 goal bmi: 16ish 🌸
🌴 height: 181cm 🌴
🤡 clownery, foolishness, and bad vibes 🤡
🤰🏻fat roll registry 🤰🏻
🥂 drink wine 🥂
❄️ snort lines ❄️
#1568
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Omniscient
Posted Today, 09:07 PM
🍄 starting bmi: 18ish 🍄
🌸 goal bmi: 16ish 🌸
🌴 height: 181cm 🌴
🤡 clownery, foolishness, and bad vibes 🤡
🤰🏻fat roll registry 🤰🏻
🥂 drink wine 🥂
❄️ snort lines ❄️
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Warrior
Posted 14 March 2022 - 01:46 PM
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
14/03
• total: 1350
egg sandwich
bite out of a donut
slice of marble cake
aloo ka toast (potato sandwich)
﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋
Not the greatest, nor anywhere near, but today honestly could have been a lot worse? I'm feeling optimistic.
water 0.75 / 1.75 litres ✗
[Yes, my water intake needs serious help. I was doing okay until last week, but I'm truly not one for liquids.]
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#26
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Warrior
Posted 15 March 2022 - 02:55 PM
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
15/03
• total: 2245
too much
﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋
water 1 / 1.75 litres ✗
Rant:
I have been bingeing since February. I am halfway through this month, and all I have done is gain an entire kilogram. Gain. Not loss, even maintenance, but gain. I'm at a loss of ideas; I don't know what to do: when I eat maintenance, I binge; when I restrict, I binge. It's all going to lead to the same result, more weight gain. I hate this thread, I hate myself, it's all just excuses and rambly posts and no actual action. All of these days on the calendar are red, and yet I keep shovelling food into my mouth like I'm a pig and not a person.
I'm not going to say I'm going to get it together because I'm honestly not sure I will. I'm sick of making false promises to myself, I may as well accept that I'm a failure and a mess. I don't know if I've gained from 48.6 because my scale's broken but I feel like I've gained 20kgs I'm so bloated. I look obese, and I have no good traits to make up for it. There was this recent drama with a friend; she's been badmouthing me to everybody I know (and I thought we were best friends??). Originally, I was confused. I knew we had drifted and were completely different people; I didn't know she hated me? I put on this persona in front of my friends, so I know perfectly well I've done nothing wrong, but now I can't really blame her for not wanting to be friends. If I don't like me, how can I expect anybody else to?
My last post: "feeling optimistic?" I was so proud of myself for feeling happy for once, but again I've messed it up.
(This got really off-topic for a post on an ED forum about binge eating, but honestly whatever).
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#27
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Warrior
Posted 17 March 2022 - 01:27 PM
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
16/03
• total: 2450
can't remember sorry
water 0.5 / 1.75 litres ✗
﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
17/03
• total: 1300
weight: 48.6 (+/-0.0)
strawberries and yogurt
three pieces of salted caramel galaxy choc
bhindi aloo w roti (okra, potato)
cupcake icing (!)
﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋
I still feel really out of control with my eating - currently, anything below TDEE (~1600) is success. I can't call today green because of the cupcake icing (I don't even particularly like icing), but I'm starting to make progress, I think.
I feel very out of place here recently (which is a first), but I'm going to stick it out because this ~1.6kg gain is killing me. Maybe I can serve as reverse thinspo, what with my failure to have a green day even once this month.
Anyway, tomorrow will hopefully be better! (?)
water 0.75 / 1.75 litres ✗
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#28
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Warrior
Posted Yesterday, 04:09 PM
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
18/03
• total: 1000
jalebi
two samosas
﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋
Happy Holi (if you celebrate it)!
I usually don't give myself a green rating unless I make healthy food choices, but today I genuinely didn't have an option. I was with family, and you can't not eat sweets on Holi.
Also, I exercised? I don't know; today felt like a good day so I'll treat it as such.
To be honest, I never actually log or write down my exercises habits because I only exercises three days a week (and I'm fairly lazy about it). I highly doubt it's affecting my weight loss whatsoever. I'm in admiration of all of the exercisers on here; I have no self-control.
I need to work on my water intake; it's honestly depressing.
water 0.75 / 1.75 litres ✗
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#29
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Warrior
Posted Today, 01:52 PM
⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
18/03
• total: 1600
sherbert lemons
alu wrap
rasmalai
gulab jamun
﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋
Staying with family; an abundance of sweets in the house because of Holi. Of course, I keep on having to eat them because 'otherwise they'll spoil'. I shouldn't be stressed, considering that I won't gain on 1600, but I want control over my intake. Somehow even bingeing feels better because I'm the one putting food into my mouth and my mum isn't. I hate this.
Anyway, I finally drank enough water today! (Barely).
water 1.75 / 1.75 litres ✓
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Posted 13 March 2022 - 12:19 AM
Basically just played elden ring all day lol made hella progress
Ribs are feeling decent today. I feel ok with where they are at before traveling.
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#318
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Posted 13 March 2022 - 09:44 PM
Not surprising tho. It’s not like I’ve been in a deficit or anything lol
Got everything ready for my trip tomorrow. It’s absolutely surreal that I’m going on a business trip. It’s been YEARS. Since 2019. I used to go on business trips at least once a month, sometimes weekly. For years. Got a lot of free flights from all those miles
I’m excited to meet my teammates and all that. Honestly not super stoked on meeting my boss but it’s cool, I guess. Idk that whole interaction with her just completely tainted my feelings towards him. We will see I guess
A bit stressed about food on this trip but imma try not to think about it
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#319
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Posted 13 March 2022 - 10:04 PM
First up my flight outfits. All black is for tomorrow and I’ll be wearing it when I go to the office for a COVID test. Black lulu jacket, black tie front top, spacedye cuffed pants and black chunky sneakers.
On the flight back, imma wear this top with the above bottoms and shoes
Then we have dinner the first night. Took a mirror selfie because I added a necklace
Office the next day. Tiger jacket with maroon boots that have gold detailing and a black jumpsuit. I wanted a fitted jumpsuit but this is now baggy lol yay and boo
And then a dress for Tuesday night dinner. I’m going to wear a pair of plain nude flats instead of what’s in this pic
And that’s my trip! My ribs are still fucked up so I’m a little worried about that but imma be careful
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#320
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Posted 13 March 2022 - 11:34 PM
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#322
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Posted 14 March 2022 - 11:57 AM
SomewhereOutThere, on 13 Mar 2022 - 10:04 PM, said:
Ohhh I love your fits! The dress is my fave I think, which is weird bc usually I don't like girly outfits but the contrast between all the tattoos and the flowery dress gives off such a cool vibe! Have fun!Got my outfits all picked out. Yes, the blue jacket came
First up my flight outfits. All black is for tomorrow and I’ll be wearing it when I go to the office for a COVID test. Black lulu jacket, black tie front top, spacedye cuffed pants and black chunky sneakers.
On the flight back, imma wear this top with the above bottoms and shoes
Then we have dinner the first night. Took a mirror selfie because I added a necklace
Office the next day. Tiger jacket with maroon boots that have gold detailing and a black jumpsuit. I wanted a fitted jumpsuit but this is now baggy lol yay and boo
And then a dress for Tuesday night dinner. I’m going to wear a pair of plain nude flats instead of what’s in this pic
And that’s my trip! My ribs are still fucked up so I’m a little worried about that but imma be careful
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#323
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Posted 14 March 2022 - 02:02 PM
I love love love those boots and that blue jacket!! I hope you have the best time!
#324
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Posted 14 March 2022 - 09:26 PM
aesthetic.exorcism, on 14 Mar 2022 - 11:57 AM, said:
Ohhh I love your fits! The dress is my fave I think, which is weird bc usually I don't like girly outfits but the contrast between all the tattoos and the flowery dress gives off such a cool vibe! Have fun!
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Thank you!!!
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#325
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Posted 14 March 2022 - 09:27 PM
tinybelle, on 14 Mar 2022 - 2:02 PM, said:
I love love love those boots and that blue jacket!!
Thank you so much!
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#326
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Posted 14 March 2022 - 09:29 PM
Met with my coworkers, hotel bar, dinner, hotel bar and now I’m in bed watching tv. Big day is tomorrow. My blue jacket was a HIT. Seriously so many compliments. Very happy with my decision
Same outfit, diff pic
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#327
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Posted 14 March 2022 - 11:44 PM
I keep thinking I’m past this grief about being moved off my team and losing my boss. But it just keep coming back up. I didn’t think I’d be here, this first fucking night, sobbing into my hotel pillows at 1:30 am. It just feels so unfair. I feel angry, sad, hurt.
Also I just felt weird meeting my boss and being around him in general. I just don’t feel like I really want to be near him or see him or god forbid hug him. I just don’t feel good around him after everything that happened. I saw him and remembered I forgot to do something that he gave me shit about before, and I got super stressed and ran up to my hotel room to do it. That’s not the energy I want. I feel like it’s going to take a lot of work for him to win back my trust that I can make mistakes and it’ll be ok. Because right now I don’t feel like that’s true.
So when I heard about someone going to me old team, in what I can’t help but feel like is MY spot, it just breaks my fucking heart
And this is fucking wild. Like why am I feeling so deeply about this. Why is this hurting so much. Why am I experiencing so much pain and sadness and grief.
Im guessing it’s a lot of reasons. It’s how shitty my old bosses were. It’s how amazing she is. Its my recent horrible experience with my boss. It’s a lot of different periods of grief getting brought up with this one.
This decision wasn’t made by my old boss or my new one, or even their bosses. It was made so far removed from myself. I had no control over it. There was no choice. And maybe that’s part of why this has been so hard too.
What I do have control over is that I can apply for a new position in October. I can take some agency over myself and my new reality.
But fuck man, my heart fucking hurts. Why does it hurt like this.
Oh I just had a thought… maybe there’s a BPD component here. This level of intense, utter heartbreak, is usually what I associate with BPD. And I know therapist stuff, blah blah blah, doesn’t matter what the diagnosis is, blah blah blah… but that better helps me name where things come from within me, and it helps me make sense of it all, ya know.
Im supposed to be in Dallas, celebrating with my new team, connecting with others, building relationships… and all I can feel rn is total devastation
Honestly as I follow these thoughts going through my head over and over and over… I just recognize that there is so much complexity here. There are so many different issues and feelings and circumstances all rolled up into this big mess of my current emotional state
Abs I’m crying like, a lot. Usually I cry for a bit and I’m done. But rn it’s like fat, rolling tears and blowing my nose over and over.
When I can tell I’m going to cry, I actively tune in to the feeling and allow it to grow to whatever it is. I’ve learned after so many years that it’s best for me to allow the full experience of emotions and not try to shut them down.
But I’m also sitting here like Jesus fucking Christ, when will I be done crying?
Then I think about anything related to the topic, and the tears are flowing like they never stopped.
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#328
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Posted 15 March 2022 - 01:51 PM
I'm so sorry your trip didn't get off to a great start- its hard moving from somewhere safe and where you feel supported, to where you have done- especially with the recent incident with your boss, behaviour which you in no way deserved. You're right to focus on what you do have control over- keep on track with your plan to keep building your agency- and hopefully with that you'll start to feel removed in some way from the discomfort you're feeling currently. I hope you managed to get some sleep after posting, and that you have a brilliant day today.
#329
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Posted Today, 01:14 AM
tinybelle, on 15 Mar 2022 - 1:51 PM, said:
I'm so sorry your trip didn't get off to a great start- its hard moving from somewhere safe and where you feel supported, to where you have done- especially with the recent incident with your boss, behaviour which you in no way deserved. You're right to focus on what you do have control over- keep on track with your plan to keep building your agency- and hopefully with that you'll start to feel removed in some way from the discomfort you're feeling currently. I hope you managed to get some sleep after posting, and that you have a brilliant day today.
Thank you for that
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#330
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Posted Today, 01:15 AM
—
Stayed up for a bit talking to a friend online and then was able to fall asleep a bit past 3 am. Then had to get up at 8 so that sucked
The day was decent. A bunch of sessions on sales process. It’s draining and all stuff I’ve been learning for the past 8+ years, but it’s always good to continue to hone my skills on it. Nothings every perfect. I did get hit with a huge wave of imposter syndrome tho. Listening to all of these concepts that are the ideal way of doing things just left me feeling like im not good enough because I don’t do those things or I don’t ask questions like that.
Then people come up to me and say congrats on a huge year last year and congrats on that big deal. This VP I met for the first time said she was excited to meet me and she has been a huge fan. Then I have all these expectations of me because of last year. It’s such a weird mix of emotions… fear, pride, anxiety, joy, not good enough
Idk I just feel sad.
That VP who said she was a fan.. I have heard amazing things about her. She’s basically my boss but for another team. She felt so warm and supportive.. just her vibe, ya know. I caught myself thinking, why can’t she be my boss? This whole thing is obvi a big issue. But I have to focus on having an amazing first half to the year so I can get a sweet promotion for next year
Everyone loved my outfits tho lol the head VP of this event was pumped about my tiger jacket. She was so happy to see me rocking it. Hah. So that was cool
I hung out at the rooftop pool with my feet in the water, and it made me sad because I miss swimming so much
Went to dinner and for some reason I sat next to my boss lol I wanted to sit at the head of the table because it would be easier on my ribs. Dunno why I didn’t pick the other side. Then his boss, the head VP here, sat at the other end and I was like, dammit, I should’ve sat down there. Oh well
Then everyone went to a bar. I made an effort to talk to everyone and get to know people I hadn’t spent much time with
Got back to the hotel and fuck am I tired lol
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#331
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Posted Today, 01:27 AM
I had the WORST sleep inertia on the trip back. I got breakfast with a colleague and sounded drunk the whole time. Mind you, I don’t drink lol but sleep inertia really fucks me up. Breakfast was good tho
The rest of the week was so busy. Omg
I weighed myself this morning and supposedly gained 8 lbs since Sunday
I haven’t had that much water weight in a LONG time. Like, wow. I need some serious sleep and hydration to fix thatThis tattoo artist I really like is about to open his books so I can schedule something. He’s in Tampa so it’ll involve flying and getting a hotel. Worth it tho.
I ordered my mountain bike today. Fucking expensive. But, I had the money for it. Same with this tattoo and vacation funds for travel. Also I think I’m going to do truSculpt at my next tattoo removal session, and I have the money set aside for that too. It def makes me sad to watch the bank account number go down but just gotta remind myself I have had plans for all that lol
This weekend I’m just gonna rest up. Try to actually get to sleep at a reasonable hour (it’s 1:30 rn fml lol)
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#332
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Posted Today, 02:19 PM
hope you get some rest this weekend!! tattoos sound exciting- any specific design planned?
#333
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Posted Today, 02:39 PM
tinybelle, on 19 Mar 2022 - 2:19 PM, said:
hope you get some rest this weekend!! tattoos sound exciting- any specific design planned?
I’m being EXTREMELY picky with what I get from here on out. But from this artist I think I’ll get something along these lines
I’m really on the fence about where to get it to. I’d like it to be pretty visible but I don’t have much upper body space left. There are a lot of artists I’d like to get something pretty visible from
I’d also love to get a full sleeve piece on my left arm but it would require lasering my lower arm as well alongside my upper arm to get it worked in full so it’ll take forever. At the same time, I also like collecting pieces from different artists and like I said, I have limited high value real estate left
I don’t mind traveling but for a large piece, it would really need to be in the US so I can travel there more frequently. And my fav artists are all over the country
Ahhhhhh so many decisions.
I saw this full piece today and I’m like, ugh, I’d love to give someone my full arm. Idk
Here are other US artists I like, and I’ll follow up with some international in another post I’m obsessed with neotraditional and flowers rn
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#334
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Posted Today, 03:41 PM
tinybelle, on 19 Mar 2022 - 2:19 PM, said:
hope you get some rest this weekend!! tattoos sound exciting- any specific design planned?
I consider these the best of the best for the styles that I like. At this point is 20% of their portfolio is of less quality than what I love about then, I won’t get a piece by that artist. Yet. I do follow a lot of artists who haven’t yet reached my standards but I love where they are going
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Posted Yesterday, 03:03 PM
oh my god amazing!! huge congrats lovely
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#235
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Posted Today, 12:05 AM
march 18
intake: 150 calories
◇ gatorade (80)
◇ 5 saltines (70)
exercise: none
this cannot keep happening
turns out W's food poisoning was actually a stomach bug, which hit me like a train this morning. when i say i don't have a gag reflex, i mean that literally - i am physically incapable of bringing anything up, so i spent the whole day sitting on my bedroom floor spitting into a plastic bag. we had to cancel our dinner reservation and never made it to the hotel :'(
and yet somehow it ended up being the perfect, if dysfunctional, anniversary. W brought over a giant bag of gatorade, saltines, and all my favorite snacks in the afternoon - i let him in and immediately ran to the bathroom to not-vomit - and i was finally feeling better by around 11pm. he came back and we exchanged gifts, and for a few hours we laughed and cried and talked about how this has made us so much healthier. we were drinking gatorade and i was in his oversized sweatershirt and pajama pants, and it was still the most romantic night we've ever had.
#236
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Posted Today, 02:20 PM
aw bless you, its horrible being ill- hope you're both on the mend now!! love that you managed to still have a lovely time- just shows how good you are together
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#237
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Posted Today, 11:13 PM
march 19
intake: 1031 calories
◇ gatorade (27)
◇ oolong milk tea (420)
◇ boiled egg (64) + brown rice (160)
◇ avocado (180) + 15 saltines (180)
exercise: -97 calories
back at home and getting better! i didn't bring my scale, but i can weigh in on the scale here on monday.
tinybelle, on 19 Mar 2022 - 2:20 PM, said:
aw bless you, its horrible being ill- hope you're both on the mend now!! love that you managed to still have a lovely time- just shows how good you are together
yes <333 it actually turned out really cute, like an indie movie or something. and we're both on the up and up, so thank you!
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Posted Yesterday, 07:35 PM
Your program doesn’t sound overly helpful so far. Try to give it a week then reassess if it’s the right fit.
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good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
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#113
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Warrior
Posted Yesterday, 10:49 PM
anitsirk2.o, on 18 Mar 2022 - 7:35 PM, said:
Thank you so muchI’m so sorry you experienced your VALID traumatic experiences. I can’t imagine your pain
Your program doesn’t sound overly helpful so far. Try to give it a week then reassess if it’s the right fit.
. I'm going to give the rest of the intake sessions a chance, but I'm going to give myself the option to say no to the program at the end of them. I just hope that my reaction isn't just me being defensive or overly sensitive, which would perhaps reveal that this program IS what I need to really confront myself and my issues/behaviors. If that makes any sense at all.Sent from my SM-A516U using Tapatalk
#114
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Warrior
Posted Today, 03:53 PM
s bc I'm not medically stable, although I'm at a healthy BMI already, gain weight, and engage with treatment that feels unhelpful and honestly triggering to me.
I just need to be rational. 800 calories is better for my mental health than 300-400. I cannot drink spirits like vodka at all, I MUST moderate my drinking. Of course I need to continue with my therapist, psychiatrist, and doctors. Get my blood sugar under control. And work on a plan to feel I am contributing to this world.
This does sound like a lot to just try to make happen on my own after I obviously have not managed to do so in the past few months when I have said I was, but I DO have agency in this world, I am not powerless or helpless, I am a grown woman who needs to make some changes.
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MPA’s Granola Wizard
- LocationThe End of My Rope - (they/them)
Posted 17 March 2022 - 06:50 PM
Thu, March 17th, 2022
Food Intake: Shiritaki Stir Fry (~260), Pizza (~600)
Liquid Intake: Water (0), Protein Shake (310), Juice (40)
Daily Calorie Count: 1,210
Body Thoughts: Meh.
Weight: 188.5
Misc Thoughts: Down again today! I guess that walk did me well. Crazy I lost weight only eating pizza, but I guess that's the joy of moderation. I might sneak another piece or two of the cheese later on, but the stir-fry has me stuffed. Anxiety has been crazy high these past few days, woke up multiple times in the middle of the night with hives. Really loving those protein shakes, though, they really fill me up and help with keeping me busy for a few hours (I drink really slowly, so a tall glass lasts me a while). I opted out of the caffeine pills today since my anxiety was already over the moon, but I'm feeling better now which is nice.Also shake was a bit higher because I added an extra half cup of almond milk since it was almost done anyway. I'll have to remember to pick up some more, I think. Anyway I'll update later if anything changes!
Edit: The stir fry basically went right through me so I just had the rest of the left-over pizza, which doubled my calories but as long as I'm still in a fairly good deficit, I'm okay. 1,200 is kinda my cut-off point for restriction I think in terms of not feeling absolutely awful about it, so now I think I'm done for the night lol. Since I ran out of almond milk, my restriction for tomorrow is looking to be lower anyway. I can't believe I haven't binged yet since starting this, I guess working in my favorite foods really does work. I have had some cravings, yes, but overall I feel a lot better about how I'm doing this. I've lost over ten pounds in less than a month which is probably fairly good? I mean considering I'm not gaining any more, I'll take it. At this rate, I'll hit my goal of being a healthy weight by summer, I think! I'm holding on to hope, and am definitely gonna make sure I keep with it. My friend said she can tell I've lost some weight, and god is it nice to hear that again.
~American | Hufflepuff | INFP | 9w1 | They/Them | Pisces~
Stats/Diagnoses/Weight-Loss:
Height: 5'4.5 (65 in)
HW: ~200 (BMI 33.8)
LW: 122 (BMI 20.6)
CW: 188.5 (BMI 31.8)
GW1: 155
GW2: 120
UGW: 99
What I'm diagnosed with:
~Depression - General Anxiety Disorder/Anticipatory Anxiety - Childhood Trauma - Food Restriction (EDNOS)~
Suspecting:
~Autism~
199 - 198 - 197 - 196 - 195 - 194 - 193 - 192 - 191 - 190- 189 - 188 - 187 - 186 - 185 - 184 - 183 - 182 - 181 - 180
- 179 - 178 - 177 - 176 - 175 - 174 - 173 - 172 - 171 - 170 - 169 - 168 - 167 - 166 - 165
164 - 163 - 162 - 161 - 160 - 159 - 158 - 157 - 156 - 155- 154 - 153 - 152 - 151 - 150
149 - 148 - 147 - 146 - 145 - 144 - 143 - 142 - 141 - 140 - 139 - 138 - 137 - 136 - 135
134 - 133 - 132 - 131 - 130 - 129 - 128 - 127 - 126 - 125 - 124 - 123 - 122 - 121 - 120 - 119 - 118 - 117 - 116 - 115
Weight Loss Rewards:
180- New ear piercing!
170- Perm
160- New tattoo
150- New Binder
140- Haircut!!!
130- Wardrobe Update (200$ spending money)
120- New bikini bathing suit
Accountability: https://www.myproana...-to-120-at-545/
Updated Last: 3.13.22
"Taking your own life. Interesting expression. Taking it from who? Once it's over, it's not you who'll miss it."
~Sherlock, BBC Sherlock Holmes
"I begin to assemble what weapons I can find, 'cause sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind."
~Migraine, twenty one pilots
"I was once told that the love I felt beating inside my chest was nothing more than my mind playing an unfair trick on my heart.
And like a pair of dice dancing along the uneven pavement, their fate, much like yours or mine, had already been decided." ~Find Me, Forest Blakk
"Of course I'll be here again, see you tomorrow, but it's the end of today,
End of my ways as a walking denial
My trial was filed as a crazy suicidal head case." ~Addict With a Pen, twenty one pilots
"I'm a soldier
Wounded so I must give up the fight
There's nothing more for me, lead me away
Or leave me lying here." ~Sound the Bugel, Bryan Adams
#30
- Accountability access
- 2485 posts
MPA’s Granola Wizard
- LocationThe End of My Rope - (they/them)
Posted Yesterday, 06:53 PM
Fri, March 18th, 2022
Food Intake: Soup (150), Toast with Apricot Preserves (100), Turkey Sandwhich with Lite Cheese (230), Sicilian Noodles (~300?)
Liquid Intake: Diet Coke (0), Protein Shake (270), Juice (80)
Daily Calorie Count: 1,130
Body Thoughts: Meh.
Weight: 188.5
Misc Thoughts: Still feeling absolutely ravenous right now and it's frustrating. There's nothing else worth eating to eat, and I know if I up my intake any more I'm going to feel like absolute shit. I might make another protein shake, but that requires me cleaning the blender and using it and my dad sleeps on the couch so I couldn't. Still haven't heard anything from the friend who's not talking to me, even when I reached out a second time. We promised to use communication, and the fact they are doing the exact same thing as before is SO incredibly frustrating, so yeah. I might just live off liquids for the rest of the night so I can weigh in tomorrow if I'm feeling good about things. I've kinda been weighing all over the place at the moment instead of the weekly like I had wanted to, but so far it hasn't backfired because I can usually gauge if I'm empty enough to weigh in. I've been so tired all day today though, and honestly have been laying in bed so it's not like I actually earned any calories anyway. Missing that pizza, smh. That must of jump-started my cravings somehow? But I've actually been having pizza five days in a row so idk. I might scrounge for something else tonight, but I really don't want to. I don't get why I'm so hungry uggghhhhh. Also warning for SH below!!!!
I've been having some major thoughts to SH again, which kinda sucks because I know it's just gonna cause me discomfort but at the same time I don't know how else to calm down. Between all this anxiety about this situation and just feeling overall really shitty, I'm running out of options on how to cope. I'm just so angry and hurt right now that one of my 'best friends' is really once again sending me through this mental hell knowing very well how badly it affects me and knowing they PROMISED to never do this again. Like sure it might be my fault (who knows, since they never even fucking said anything) but at this point them actively not saying anything about the situation at ALL just makes me think they don't care. I'm really just... done. If they don't respond within these next few days, then I'm just dropping them because I'm fucking sick of this. I'm sick of waking up in the middle of night in hives, checking my phone, only to fall asleep and still fucking dream about this bs. They don't care though, no. They never seem to.
Edit: So I did eat some more to ward off the bingey thoughts, and it worked! I'm feeling very content now physically. Mentally? Not so much, but hey, what can you do. Going to attempt to liquid fast tomorrow to try and bring down my average if I can. I'm just glad I didn't binge, and found some filling food to have.
~American | Hufflepuff | INFP | 9w1 | They/Them | Pisces~
Stats/Diagnoses/Weight-Loss:
"Taking your own life. Interesting expression. Taking it from who? Once it's over, it's not you who'll miss it."
~Sherlock, BBC Sherlock Holmes
"I begin to assemble what weapons I can find, 'cause sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind."
~Migraine, twenty one pilots
"I was once told that the love I felt beating inside my chest was nothing more than my mind playing an unfair trick on my heart.
And like a pair of dice dancing along the uneven pavement, their fate, much like yours or mine, had already been decided." ~Find Me, Forest Blakk
"Of course I'll be here again, see you tomorrow, but it's the end of today,
End of my ways as a walking denial
My trial was filed as a crazy suicidal head case." ~Addict With a Pen, twenty one pilots
"I'm a soldier
Wounded so I must give up the fight
There's nothing more for me, lead me away
Or leave me lying here." ~Sound the Bugel, Bryan Adams
#31
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- 170 posts
Warrior
Posted Yesterday, 08:42 PM
#32
- Accountability access
- 2485 posts
MPA’s Granola Wizard
- LocationThe End of My Rope - (they/them)
Posted Yesterday, 08:51 PM
chocostar, on 18 Mar 2022 - 8:42 PM, said:
I can relate to this post so much. SH urges like to just chill in my brain sometimes (lately a lot) and I have to shake my head like an etch a sketch to try to make them go away.
Right? Ugh. It seems like they are just always there, it's just a matter of how loud they are at different times. It's so nonchalant too, like I'll be sitting there and go "I think I'm gonna SH when I get home". I almost never do, but just the option being there satiates the urge I swear. I'm usually too lazy to do anything about them LOL
~American | Hufflepuff | INFP | 9w1 | They/Them | Pisces~
Stats/Diagnoses/Weight-Loss:
"Taking your own life. Interesting expression. Taking it from who? Once it's over, it's not you who'll miss it."
~Sherlock, BBC Sherlock Holmes
"I begin to assemble what weapons I can find, 'cause sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind."
~Migraine, twenty one pilots
"I was once told that the love I felt beating inside my chest was nothing more than my mind playing an unfair trick on my heart.
And like a pair of dice dancing along the uneven pavement, their fate, much like yours or mine, had already been decided." ~Find Me, Forest Blakk
"Of course I'll be here again, see you tomorrow, but it's the end of today,
End of my ways as a walking denial
My trial was filed as a crazy suicidal head case." ~Addict With a Pen, twenty one pilots
"I'm a soldier
Wounded so I must give up the fight
There's nothing more for me, lead me away
Or leave me lying here." ~Sound the Bugel, Bryan Adams
#33
- Accountability access
- 2485 posts
MPA’s Granola Wizard
- LocationThe End of My Rope - (they/them)
Posted Today, 07:22 PM
Sat, March 16th, 2022
Food Intake: Pizza (~500?)
Liquid Intake: Diet Coke (0), Protein Shake (310)
Daily Calorie Count: 810
Body Thoughts: Meh.
Weight: 188.5
Misc Thoughts: Ah yes, more pizza because apparently it is not enough. And of course I gobbled up two slices like it was nobodies business. They were pretty small, like about as small as a regular large slice, so even though the pizza was an XL I just counted it the same as before. Was feeling pretty shitty about it, so I paced around my room for like an hour (naturally) and only got like? 2.5k steps? Feeling hella tired right now though, I weighed myself again and weight was the same, at least. Might lay down for a while and see if I fall asleep early. Might update again later.
~American | Hufflepuff | INFP | 9w1 | They/Them | Pisces~
Stats/Diagnoses/Weight-Loss:
"Taking your own life. Interesting expression. Taking it from who? Once it's over, it's not you who'll miss it."
~Sherlock, BBC Sherlock Holmes
"I begin to assemble what weapons I can find, 'cause sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind."
~Migraine, twenty one pilots
"I was once told that the love I felt beating inside my chest was nothing more than my mind playing an unfair trick on my heart.
And like a pair of dice dancing along the uneven pavement, their fate, much like yours or mine, had already been decided." ~Find Me, Forest Blakk
"Of course I'll be here again, see you tomorrow, but it's the end of today,
End of my ways as a walking denial
My trial was filed as a crazy suicidal head case." ~Addict With a Pen, twenty one pilots
"I'm a soldier
Wounded so I must give up the fight
There's nothing more for me, lead me away
Or leave me lying here." ~Sound the Bugel, Bryan Adams
- Accountability access
- 2035 posts
Advanced Sage
- LocationUK
Posted Yesterday, 02:59 PM
Get yourself some colouring books Heis! They always keep me calm/occupied and some of the designs are super pretty. Wishing good thoughts for you xx
#580
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- 70399 posts
Lord Heisenburg
- LocationSydney Australia
Posted Yesterday, 05:36 PM
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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I have a youtube channel too!
subscribe if ya want
(going to upload videos soon!.. more ed content and random shit)
https://www.youtube....w_as=subscriber
"Heis,
You are you,
Perfection and goals,
How I long to see you be whole" - S'mores
- Accountability access
- 376 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted Yesterday, 08:19 PM
breakfast: tea + toast + honey + yogurt w cinnamon.
lunch: binge
dinner: -
snacks: crystal light + gum
i don’t even know what to do or say, im so shocked and disappointed, this was my first unplanned binge in a while and it doesn’t feel real, i ate so so much chocolate, like seriously so much its crazy, i cried. i only purged a bit but no chocolate came up and nothing else is coming up and i wanna die, im up 10 pounds since this morning and now im even further away from my gw than i was, i didn’t do anything today and i have exams coming up.. i hope this isn’t the start of another binge cycle because i cannot go through that again. i just can’t.
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Advanced Warrior
- Accountability access
- 461 posts
Advanced Warrior
- Accountability access
- 769 posts
Advanced Guru
- Locationcandy land
Posted Yesterday, 08:39 PM
3.18.22
❌ intake:
- multivitamin
- supplements
- omega 3 softgels (20)
- rose tea + stevia packets (0)
- cream cheese & chives crackers (190)
- 143.8g rainbow carrots (55)
- 30g hummus (90)
- chocolate chip chewy bar (100)
- strawberry pocky (60)
- 1/2 cup white rice (320)
- 3 nori sheets (15)
- 60g probiotic carrots (10)
- 147.4g cucumber (22)
- 114g avocado (182)
- 2 caramel chocolate chip cookies (114)
total: 1178 cals
days smoke free: 79
days drink free: 2 / days binge drink free: 76
days binge free: 76
❌ thoughts: my throat is hurting now...... gonna drink some more tea to try to relieve that. idk i just dont wanna be sick again im tired of always feeling sick. have to go to the hospital also tomorrow but its like .... can i please just have a day where i can sleep in please
#99
- Accountability access
- 769 posts
Advanced Guru
- Locationcandy land
Posted Today, 09:02 PM
3.19.22
❌ intake:
- multivitamin
- supplements
- omega 3 softgels (20)
- cream cheese & chives crackers (190)
- mints (10)
- emergen-C drink (35)
- 11.1g red onion (4)
- 85g baby spinach + baby kale (30)
- 3 extra large eggs (240)
- 73.2g carrots (30)
- 142.2g cucumber (21)
- 122.8g avocado (251)
- 4 nori sheets (20)
- 1/2 cup white rice (320)
total: 1171 cals
days smoke free: 80
days drink free: 3 / days binge drink free: 77
days binge free: 77
❌ thoughts: throat still hurts. im just gonna try to rest tomorrow because i need it. i hate that my work always gets me sick all the time
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Advanced Warrior
Posted Today, 10:05 PM
entry 69
weight: 165.2 lb (-1.0 change)
goal: Under 500 calories
breakfast
+ fudgesicle - 40
lunch
+ 4x wasa - 120
+ 2x light laughing cow - 60
dinner
+ cheese fries bullshit
- purge
---
I purged and hopefully got most of it out. I feel super lightheaded but it's fine.
I don't do this unless I have to. And of course I had to. I lost a fucking pound between yesterday and this morning.
Downing electrolyte (nuun tab) water. I hope I don't get puffy, or bloat because of this. I hope I'm not just down a pound because my period started (this always happens -- false hope.)
I'm scared for tomorrow's weigh in.
- Accountability access
- 170 posts
Warrior
Posted 15 March 2022 - 09:04 AM
SW: 228.9
CW: 224.3
TL: -4.6 lbs
So I had some pie when I got home (hello pie day), then had some siete chips, and some kettle corn…so goodbye 223 lbs lol
So far, have only had coffee, getting pho later possibly. That’s low calorie right???
#42
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- 170 posts
Warrior
Posted 15 March 2022 - 09:06 AM
Guard_Girl, on 14 Mar 2022 - 7:31 PM, said:
I strive to be at your level of organized~ Well done on your loss so far!!!
Also, work anxiety is horrible. I've tried to make a rule where anytime I'm stressing about work when I'm not on the clock, I try to find literally anything else to do to keep me occupied. Best of luck with your shift bid and with your application!
Thank you! Ima need all the luck. Especially with the training coming up too. 😭
#43
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- 170 posts
Warrior
Posted 15 March 2022 - 03:21 PM
Cleaned the kitchen, mostly, the shower and bathroom. Did some laundry. Very productive day so far.
#44
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- 170 posts
Warrior
Posted 15 March 2022 - 08:42 PM
Sooo.... my love took me for froyo, so I had a bit of that, and a 150 calorie cracker pack. I definitely ate over 1000 maybe 1200-1300/1000 under my TDEE but over my 1000 calorie goal. Tomorrow we have to get the tire fixed. So hopefully I can skip breakfast. Supposed to be walking around at the outlet mall with a friend so that’ll cut calories, and I’ll get something small if she wants to eat. Not looking forward to seeing my weight tomorrow.
#45
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- 202 posts
Warrior
Posted 16 March 2022 - 12:51 AM
aw pal that's such a difficult feeling dreading the scale but you're holding back at every food choice, AND it sounds like you burned back down to your goal cals too with your walk around the shops ! sending luck!!
🌒🌍🌘
stats
SW: 176 // 80 · GW1: 165 // 75 · GW2: 154 // 70 · GW3: 143 // 65 · GW4: 132 // 60 · GW5: 121 // 55 · UGW: 110 // 50
🍃 accountability 🍃
#46
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- 170 posts
Warrior
Posted 16 March 2022 - 05:12 AM
SW: 228.9
CW: 224.6
TL: -4.3lbs
Haven’t weighed myself yet. Am currently laying in bed feeling like poo because the mini human has been up most of the night. Now my love is annoyed because she’s been up and they went to play there game and they keep checking on the baby when they cry. Like. Just go play your fucking game if you are so annoyed. Geez. Leave the bebe to me. I love them dearly but sometimes they get upset for no reason.
It’s going to be a long day. Oh. Also. I had like 1/2 cup of Icecream last night. Maybe that’s why I slept horribly(besides mini human).
#47
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- 170 posts
Warrior
Posted 16 March 2022 - 05:14 AM
earthmoon, on 16 Mar 2022 - 12:51 AM, said:
aw pal that's such a difficult feeling dreading the scale but you're holding back at every food choice, AND it sounds like you burned back down to your goal cals too with your walk around the shops ! sending luck!!
I appreciate your comment. It’s just so hard because I want to just eat everything but I know I don’t need to plus I’ve discussed with my love that I need to eat healthier and lose weight then every week it’s back at it with the junk food when we are off together. Just bugs me. ಠ_ರೃ
#48
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- 170 posts
Warrior
Posted 16 March 2022 - 09:07 AM
Soooo, my weight wasn’t as bad as I thought.
Breakfast: small Dutch freeze, 2 eggs, 3 bacons slices, carb control tortilla
Lunch: Nothing
Dinner: Strawberry yogurt. May have something else idk.
Going to the outlets today to walk around. Will try to get my 64oz+ H2O in today before I go. I chugged it all last night before bed and had to pee all night ●︿●
#49
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- 202 posts
Warrior
Posted 16 March 2022 - 12:33 PM
that's so hard when you have a slightly different eating goal to your partner, esp when you live together... my gf and i cook separately and eat together, because when we ate the same meals my weight shot up. hope you both find a balance that works 🌟 and good job staying hydrated!
#50
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- 170 posts
Warrior
Posted 16 March 2022 - 05:50 PM
Eating a yogurt and I feel sick. I don’t know if it’s because of the sugar but I may toss it out.
I am at 845/1000 so far today. And I walked a whole bunch at the outlets today. Bought my love stuff for there Easter basket, and discovered my mini human had a tooth because they bit me! Lol. Also bought some stuff for the first birthday party! We have a few months but a little at a time.
#51
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- 170 posts
Warrior
Posted 16 March 2022 - 05:51 PM
earthmoon, on 16 Mar 2022 - 12:33 PM, said:
that's so hard when you have a slightly different eating goal to your partner, esp when you live together... my gf and i cook separately and eat together, because when we ate the same meals my weight shot up. hope you both find a balance that works and good job staying hydrated!
It is! I am sure we will make it work as time goes on (I hope) but it’s just hard right now.
thank you so much for your comments. I really appreciate them. ฅ^••^ฅ
#52
- Accountability access
- 170 posts
Warrior
Posted 17 March 2022 - 07:36 AM
SW: 228.9
CW: 223.5
Total Lost (TL): -5.4
Finally moving on the losing! Walked a whole lot yesterday, and there were skinny beautiful people all around, and some super cute clothes for thinspo. (Forgot to mention that last night.)
TMI Time~
Woke up today feeling crampy, but it’s only been a week and a few days since my last cycle so that’s nice. Is the a after pregnancy thing? Going to give it today and tomorrow and maybe go to the doctor if it persists.
To do:
Make lunch for the day
Pack diaper bag for mini human
Work on pen friends letter
Shower and get ready for work
Work 13:00-21:30
Pick up godsons and mini human
Nighttime routine
Hopefully I’m able to sleep better tonight. I haven’t been able to really sleep well lately and I’m suffering.
#53
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Warrior
Posted 17 March 2022 - 06:58 PM
#54
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- 202 posts
Warrior
Posted Yesterday, 12:15 AM
woo!! well done on losing again lil chocostar! (also sorry your coworkers were being arseholes - i wish that age made people wiser but apparently not!!)
#55
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- 170 posts
Warrior
Posted Yesterday, 08:11 AM
♡ Friday, March 18 ♡
SW: 228.9
CW: 223.4
TL: -5.5 lbs
Eh. I went home and ate 5-6 bites of ice cream, about 10 pork rinds, and about 5-6 bites of spinach artichoke dip. I struggle with emotional eating, and as I was eating I was telling myself you don’t need this, but ofc I kept eating.
Today is a new day though. Fasting until I get to work, then I’ll have my Keto shake. So that’s a fast from about 11:45pm-1:00pm.
Breakfast: Black coffee, peach sparkling water, passion fruit sparkling water
Lunch: chicken, ranch soup
Dinner: meal protein bar, Keto cup
745/1000 for now
May throw in some almond flour chips, or some like trail mix, or a V8. Haven’t decided yet.
#56
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- 170 posts
Warrior
Posted Yesterday, 08:13 AM
Thoughts:
- I so want to be 220 by the 22nd which is next Tuesday, that’s three pounds in four days lol.
- I ended up buying a really pretty iridescent Starbucks cup yesterday. It’s so pretty.
#57
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- 170 posts
Warrior
Posted Yesterday, 08:18 AM
earthmoon, on 18 Mar 2022 - 12:15 AM, said:
woo!! well done on losing again lil chocostar! (also sorry your coworkers were being arseholes - i wish that age made people wiser but apparently not!!)
Dude, me too. Like, I’m sitting there staring at them thinking you’re supposed to be the adultier adult here and you’re acting like a damn child. And it was all because my assistant manager was trying to teach me something about data gathering on a machine we work with, and I’m short af (5’1) and the machine is 7ft+ so I have to use a clipboard to reach, and it’s tedious, and I hit a wrong button so you have to reset the numbers. And one co worker was trying to talk over the other one, and the assistant manager got upset and was essentially like fuck, you do it then. Then they walked off, and the coworker who was talking over the assistant manager walks off so I’m standing there with the clipboard like uhhhhh. And I quipped to one of my coworker friends, the parents are fighting lol. Which amused me, but I was so annoyed.
Also thank you! I hope I keep it up~
#58
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- 170 posts
Warrior
Posted Yesterday, 08:27 AM
I wanna be 190 by July, that’s 33lbs in 91 days. I don’t know if that’s entirely doable, but it would put me under the weight I was when I got Preggo, which was 198. Losertown said I’d be at 195lbs, but I wanna beat that score (lol).
#59
- Accountability access
- 402 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted Yesterday, 04:27 PM
i love your breakfast! i wish i drank black coffee, i used to, i should, but i use sugar free coffee mate (30calories/2tbsp)
losing 33 pounds in 90 days is certainly possible! if you don't reach that goal by july 1 you certainly will some time in july!!
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
167 166 165 164 163 162 161 160
159 158 157 156 155 154 153 152 151 150
149 148 147 146 145 144 143 142 141 140
139 138 137 136 135 134 133 132 131 130
129 128 127 126 125 124 123 122 121 120
119 118 117 116 115 114 113 112 111 110
109 108 107 106 105 104 103 102
accountability
https://www.myproana...51-its-go-time/
#60
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- 170 posts
Warrior
Posted Today, 08:33 AM
♡ Saturday, March 19 ♡
SW: 228.9
CW: 223.3
TL: -5.6lbs
I am ready to be at 222 lbs already. I don’t know if I can get to 220 by Monday but I’ma try. But it’s probably going to involve breakfast Sunday and Monday and Lunch then fasting. I love/hate that my love makes me breakfast.
ToDo
- look up calories for breakfast foods because my love always get breakfast on way home on there Friday and I need to try to find something more low calorie than what theyve been getting
- work on to do list for around the house for week off in a few weeks
Also, I stayed up super late reading, like until 1:30am. Oops. Then got up at 8am. So I’m so tired today \:
- Accountability access
- 170 posts
Warrior
Posted Today, 08:35 AM
anitsirk2.o, on 18 Mar 2022 - 4:27 PM, said:
i love your breakfast! i wish i drank black coffee, i used to, i should, but i use sugar free coffee mate (30calories/2tbsp)
losing 33 pounds in 90 days is certainly possible! if you don't reach that goal by july 1 you certainly will some time in july!!
That sounds delicious tbh. I usually have stevia and a splash of almond milk, sometimes black. Sometimes I add a lil bit extra stevia and it tastes so sugary.
Ahhh, to have you say that is awesome! I hope so! My mini humans birthday is towards the end of July and there will be pictures and I wanna feel okay ish in them.
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#62
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- 402 posts
Advanced Warrior
Posted Today, 09:40 AM
that is so sweet that your love makes you breakfast!!
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
167 166 165 164 163 162 161 160
159 158 157 156 155 154 153 152 151 150
149 148 147 146 145 144 143 142 141 140
139 138 137 136 135 134 133 132 131 130
129 128 127 126 125 124 123 122 121 120
119 118 117 116 115 114 113 112 111 110
109 108 107 106 105 104 103 102
accountability
https://www.myproana...51-its-go-time/
#63
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- 202 posts
Warrior
Posted Today, 11:17 AM
chocostar, on 18 Mar 2022 - 08:18 AM, said:
Dude, me too. Like, I’m sitting there staring at them thinking you’re supposed to be the adultier adult here and you’re acting like a damn child. And it was all because my assistant manager was trying to teach me something about data gathering on a machine we work with, and I’m short af (5’1) and the machine is 7ft+ so I have to use a clipboard to reach, and it’s tedious, and I hit a wrong button so you have to reset the numbers. And one co worker was trying to talk over the other one, and the assistant manager got upset and was essentially like fuck, you do it then. Then they walked off, and the coworker who was talking over the assistant manager walks off so I’m standing there with the clipboard like uhhhhh. And I quipped to one of my coworker friends, the parents are fighting lol. Which amused me, but I was so annoyed.
Also thank you! I hope I keep it up~
ugh that's so silly, did they ever finished actually explaining? also they need to get you a step stool (i'm the same height so... i feel you) so you don't have to use your clipboard to do your job..!
that's a great idea to look up foods for your partner to get you for bfast, it sounds like that's a really lovely thing they like to do for you (':
#64
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Posted Today, 12:28 PM
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#65
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Posted Today, 10:22 PM
Husband Found My ED Journal - AND Read IT! Retyping Here for Accountability
#1
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 09:39 AM
So like the title reads, late last night my husband decided to get up from bed after I was asleep and he approached me first thing this morning as I was waking up. He told me that he "happened upon" my food diary/general journal and he read the whole thing. Luckily it's one of the journals that I've started this year and not one of the REALLY bad ones that I've had previously like where I was b/p ing every day.
It completely outlines my entire ED basically, it's pretty raw. Every binge, every bottle of vodka I sucked down during a deep dark depression that I hid in one of the cabinets, getting drunk to hide my feelings, every purge, every derogatory remark calling myself a fat, useless idiot. I feel totally exposed and embarrassed that he knows exactly how I feel about every little thing I've written about. Some of it was even about him and his money habits that kind of make me mad.
I mean he totally invaded my privacy! Oddly enough, though, I'm not upset at him. I'm kind of relieved that he knows how I feel now about a few things I wrote about. I'm not thrilled that he knows how I feel about myself, but I digress. I'm kind of glad everything was put up in the air like that. I just wish that I was the one to initiate the conversation, not him reading all of my personal thoughts from my journal.
HOWEVER. He did not seem shocked or upset in the slightest about my binging, purging, binge drinking, etc. I don't think he fully absorbed the entirety of what I've written and I am damn sure not stopping my journey because of this. I even mentioned the MPA site a few times in the journal and I don't think he knows what MPA is, but I'll have to be careful getting on the forums when he's around just in case.
So before I burn the journal and destroy the evidence, I'm using this thread to re-type everything about my most recent journey. It's going to be pretty wild, but follow along for the ride and wish me good luck in hitting a few of my GW by the end of this year! xx
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#2
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 09:44 AM
Wednesday, January 5, 2022
207.2 lbs
Well. I've been trying to get back on my fasting game like I was doing before I got pregnant since late December 2021. I feel like a miserable, unhappy fat cow. It does NOT help that I haven't been able to shed a single pound since having the baby.
I've been working like a dog and so has my husband. Expenses keep piling up too so now I'm fat and poor. Before the baby came along I had a couple thousand in savings, but since being out for 5 weeks was the minimum, we took a big hit financially. Now we're always stressing over money and we just feel stuck. Life feels bleak and I can't even deny that I'm feeling super depressed. I've been drinking nearly every single day for weeks now, which I need to quit anyway because that money could be used to pay bills or save.
On Sunday January 2nd we had a terrible storm and the boot on the roof above the bathroom started leaking BAD. I called my insurance, but my homeowner's deductible is $1,000 and I have no fucking idea how we're going to come up with the money.
So yeah. 2022 has started off fucking terrible but I'm determined to fix myself and fix our finances this year.
My weight I can fix easily by fasting if I can will my fat ass to quit eating so much. And of course drinking my feelings away.
The money will hopefully get better once I can file taxes with the baby on them. I should be able to get the $3,600 child tax credit plus claim up to $8,000 for her daycare costs. I have to get a statement from the daycare to see what I actually paid in 2021, since she started in July when she was only 7 weeks old, but a full year would cost $5,720. So we should get back like $6,000! That is going to make a HUGE difference and finally pay off some shit that's looming over our heads right now.
Not to mention we're behind on the truck payment too now, which is almost $800 and we're still trying to get the baby's name changed in court, which is $500 for a lawyer to draw up the paperwork and $209 more to file the paperwork with the court. I'm literally counting down the days until I can file that tax return. But I'm going to need to pay someone to do my fucking taxes, too. UGH
#3
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 09:57 AM
Thursday, January 6, 2022
206.2 lbs
How did I lose a pound in a day?! It doesn't even make sense! I decided last night after freezing all of my recent breastmilk pumps that I wasn't going to pump any more. I'm tired. I've been only pumping once a day since about 2 weeks ago and I'm only making like 4 oz once a day so I'm just ready to finally stop. It's so time consuming. Maybe I'll also start dropping weight now. I think breastfeeding has been making me gain/not be able to lose. Because I've really been trying. I printed out the Blogilates workout calendar today, since I don't have to wake up to pump anymore I've got to get myself up early to workout instead.
This has to just be pure willpower and I need to stick with it. I'm so tired of looking and feeling the way that I do.
#4
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 10:14 AM
i'm sorry that happened to you, and that's really a shame that your husband didn't respect your privacy... /: but following all the same and wishing you all the luck for reaching your gws!
🌒🌍🌘
stats
SW: 176 // 80 · GW1: 165 // 75 · GW2: 154 // 70 · GW3: 143 // 65 · GW4: 132 // 60 · GW5: 121 // 55 · UGW: 110 // 50
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#5
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 10:19 AM
Friday, January 7, 2022
205.4 lbs
I drank a lot last night so I don't truly think that I lost anything. This year is just off to a shitty start period. Last night my Instagram account got hacked. They were trying to threaten me to make me pay money for my account back or record a video talking about me winning Bitcoin so they could use that video to scam other people. When I refused they said that the feds would be coming for me and my baby just like they did to the last person that they hacked.
I don't care about the Instagram account really because I hardly use it, but ALL of those pictures I have on there of the baby and of our family. That's kind of scary, and now they can see everything. Thankfully I was able to change my Facebook password before they hacked into that too, because my Instagram and Facebook were linked together.
People are crazy and they could be capable of anything. You never know when they are going to execute whatever it is that they might have planned. That part kind of stresses me out.
#6
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 10:20 AM
earthmoon, on 17 Mar 2022 - 10:14 AM, said:
i'm sorry that happened to you, and that's really a shame that your husband didn't respect your privacy... /: but following all the same and wishing you all the luck for reaching your gws!
Aw thank you so much! I hate it too, but at the same time he's also voiced how he wishes I was more open with him, so I'm kind of on the fence still about how to feel lol
#7
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 10:25 AM
Saturday, January 8, 2022
206 lbs?
I put a question mark because when I first weighed I got 205 but for some reason I decided to weight again and got 206.2 so I don't know.
I got drunk AGAIN last night and passed out on the couch. This is like the 3rd night in a row. I've got to quit doing that it's just not healthy.
So I've been on the My Pro Ana forums again and found a thread with a girl my height who has been maintaining 102 lbs for 4 or 5 years! I asked her how she was managing that and she said that she basically grazes all day, but eats 800-1,000 calories a day and exercises a lot. So once again, this is my reminder to get my fat ass up and start doing Pilates again before I go to work during the week.
Something has to change. So I've decided during the week I'm going to drink Snake Juice and only eat dinner. Then maybe once I get used to that and exercising again, I can work my way back up to fasting a few days a week. That's the plan, anyway. On the weekends I'll eat whatever I want so I don't risk binging. We'll see how it goes. Since it's Saturday I'll go into Monday hopeful and determined. I'll spend my last weekend being miserable and lazy.
I only logged one meal on this day? I think this is when I "officially" started using the My Fitness Pal app again and was just getting back into calorie tracking but I'm not certain.
Lunch - 683
- chicken ramen with 1/2 a cup of frozen peas added - 383
- 6 pieces of Hershey's chocolate nuggets - 300
#8
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 11:36 AM
Sunday, January 9, 2022
209.4 lbs
How the fuck is that even possible?! I'm guessing it's water weight because [husband] wanted Arby's last night after his sister and their dad came over to see the baby. All I did was sit around yesterday too so today I've got to clean and do laundry and we have to grocery shop.
[Husband's cousin] also wants us to come over so we can do Christmas this morning since they were sick during Christmas, so we might do that, but [husband] is still asleep and it's 8:30 AM right now. I went in there to wake him up, but he said he just didn't want to drive all the way to [city where his cousin lives]. I don't really want to either since it's 50 minutes away, but we still have to see the rest of his family members too for a late Christmas. Maybe next weekend.
We also have to go see some of our friends who just had their new baby! Lots of social engagements coming up, but I don't think either one of us are really up to socializing.
No food logged today.
#9
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 11:45 AM
Monday, January 10, 2022
208.4 lbs
I swear. At least I didn't gain because I straight up binged last night. It was terrible and I drank way too much. Again.
I got up early with all intentions to work out today and start fresh, but when I woke up I was literally still drunk.
I did, however, decide that today I was going to start YouTuber's Shantokki's egg diet, which lasts 7 days. You literally eat 2 hard-boiled eggs per meal, drink Diet Coke, and have toast with breakfast and lunch. It's like a mono diet mixed with super-high restriction. I can't follow it to a T, of course, because [husband] will be suspicious. But at work nobody will think twice about it.
It's actually pretty filling and I haven't been hungry all day. For dinner I'll keep my portions super small and hope for the best. I'm actually kind of excited to weight tomorrow morning. Depends on if I get all fucked up again or not tonight, so we'll see.
Breakfast - 280
- coffee - 70
- 2 eggs - 140
- slice of honey wheat toast - 70
Lunch - 315
- 2 slices of toast - 140
- 2 eggs with some mayo for "egg salad" - 175
Dinner - 310
- 1 cup of homemade chicken and dumplings
Daily total - 905
#10
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 12:07 PM
Tuesday, January 11, 2022
206 lbs!
Holy shit! -2.4 lbs in a fucking day! That's awesome!
Today was pretty stressful otherwise at work. Besides my win with my weight, everything else that happened today was a total loss.
The baby's daycare called me during lunch to tall me that she had an allergic reaction to the food that they fed her today, but her condition wasn't getting worse. So I called her doctor and she's still too young to take Benadryl or anything else so they just told me to monitor her. I relayed that to the daycare because I had already planned to miss an hour and a half of work because the insurance inspector for the roof was supposed to come to the house at 3 PM today. I couldn't miss more work to go scoop the baby up from daycare if there was nothing we could really do. Is that selfish? IDK. Money is important right now and I already had to take off work so it didn't make any sense.
Going back to the baby, though, they had fed her apple, spinach, and blueberry puree. All of those foods are not new to her by any means and blueberry is the first solid that she ever tried so I knew something else had to be up. I thought maybe they had somehow gotten peanuts around her, since that's they only allergen that we haven't tried. So I leave work at 2:50 PM to go see what was up with the baby and if her face was all broken out still (the daycare had sent me pictures earlier) and as soon as I get into town (it's 3:02 PM at this point), the insurance inspector calls me. I was thinking that maybe he beat me to the house since he was supposed to be there at 3 PM.
No.
This man wanted to re-schedule for tomorrow. So now I'm not having to miss work once, but now twice!
So I get home and decide to take the baby out and got WIC shopping for baby food since it was still early enough in the day that I'd be able to do that and get home early enough to cook dinner. She fell asleep on the way to the store and I actually managed to get her into the store without waking her up. I did the whole shopping trip with her asleep in the car seat, snuggled up nicely on top of the cart. She only woke up while we were checking out. My cashier was this super nice young girl, definitely younger than me and we had a great conversation about babies and all. Really refreshing, she was lovely. Everyone around us was just gushing over the baby too and about how cute she was. It was such a good pick-me up to an otherwise shitty day. In the checkout line behind me when I was about to walk out, I saw an old familiar face from high school.
She was a super popular preppy girl in school. And super skinny. She still is, despite having a baby of her own, she doesn't look like she's changed at all since high school. I can't even deny that seeing her and how she's still so thin was super triggering to me. UGH.
On another note, when I got home from the store I drank the rest of my vodka.
I will NOT buy anymore until I get under 180 lbs. I don't care what's going on. Drinking all this alcohol is only deterring my progress and hurting my mental health. I've got to quit.
Maybe in the morning I will have hit 205 or lower... I even got a little burst of energy when I took the dogs out for the night and worked out while we were outside! Not a full workout, but hey, better than nothing.
Breakfast - 280
- coffee - 70
- 2 eggs - 140
- slice of honey wheat toast - 70
Lunch - 245
- makeshift egg salad with the packet of mayo and one slice of toast
Dinner - 595
- thin sliced pork chop - 95
- 1 cup of mac n' cheese - 400
- 1/2 cup of lima beans - 30
Daily total - 1,120
#11
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 12:18 PM
Wednesday, January 12, 2022
206.4 lbs
0.4 lb gain isn't great, but it's also not horrible. I did drink like 8 oz of vodka last night, so I'm just going to chalk it up to that.
Today wasn't terrible, but it was pretty busy. One of my coworkers called in so it was just me and one other girl in the office (my least favorite co-worker), which I didn't particularly love, but at least it was quiet in the office. The girl who called out just talks so damn much during the day that I can't focus half of the time.
Today was day three of the egg diet and I'm still going pretty strong but I'm getting kind of tired of it, not going to lie. But I still have SO many eggs. So I guess I'll stick it out. I'm still kind of having a hard time controlling myself at dinner, but it's slowly getting much better.
I'm hoping that low restricting like this will help me ease back into fasting. So eating like this I'm taking in less than 1,200 calories a day, which could be dangerous in the long run, but this is only for a week. I hope I lose tomorrow when I weight in, though. I really want to get below 200 lbs this week. Fasting will get me there quick, though so I don't know. I just can't bring myself to fast for a whole day right now without binging. I guess we'll see.
So when I took the dogs out last night and had that little burst of energy, I got to thinking. I imagined that I probably wouldn't get the motivation to start working out until I saw a little bit of weight loss at first, and I was correct. I only did like 5 minutes, but I'm sore as Hell today! I did some squats, calf raises, arm circles, and "candle sticks" for my obliques. I did the same thing tonight when I was outside, so I am definitely going to bed sore tonight.
I made "taco quesadillas" tonight for dinner and I had to find the strength to control myself. I wanted so badly to eat like 2 or 3 of them, but each one was like 516 calories with sour cream and my guacamole salsa that I love so much added to it. There were 6 left over and after making my husband's lunch for tomorrow I really wanted to pack up and take the last 2 to work for lunch, but I can't because the egg diet. Plus over 1,000 calories for lunch is a horrifying thought. I've got to stay strong through this damn egg diet! I just have to think about my end goal.
I can do this.
Breakfast - 280
- coffee - 70
- 2 eggs - 140
- slice of honey wheat toast - 70
Lunch - 245
- makeshift egg salad with the packet of mayo and one slice of toast
Dinner - 516
- Taco quesadilla with 1 tablespoon each of sour cream and guacamole salsa - 386
- Husband brought me home some fudge brownie M&Ms from work (he knows they're my fave) so I ate 11 pieces, which is about one serving - 130
Daily total - 1,041
#12
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Posted 17 March 2022 - 12:40 PM
Thursday, January 13, 2022
204.6 lbs!
Hell yes! I knew I would lose if I stayed strong. I can't believe that in 4 days I've almost lost 4 lbs! If I can keep this up I'll be golde. Once this egg diet is over I think I'll keep restricting to between 800 calories and 1,200 max. Seems to be working pretty well.
Then if I hit a plateau I will try fasting again for a few days, but I'm not holding my breath on the fasting. I don't know if I can manage it yet. Restriction but still being able to eat all the foods I enjoy in small portions seems to be what will work best for me this go-round. Dinner didn't really go as planned and I think that I over-ate. I was so damn hungry, though it's honestly a miracle that I didn't binge. In total today I had about 1,300 calories.
Day 1 of the egg diet I ate like 980
Day 2 was 1,100
Yesterday was just over 1,000
And then there's today.
I'm starting to see why people have such a hard time low restricting, though. Today after work the insurance inspector came to look at the roof finally. He was supposed to be here on Tuesday when I initially missed work (besides the baby getting that rash at daycare, which was from a wipe they used by the way. Finally figured that out). But when I got home from work he was already there waiting for me. He rescheduled for 4:30 and it was like 4:10 PM.
He was pretty quick, at least. One of the dogs shit in their kennels, though. So of course I walk into the house with him right behind me waiting outside only to be greeted by that foul stench. How embarrassing. Once he left though I legit just collapsed onto the couch and would have happily not moved for the rest of the night. Low restriction = super low energy.
I had a really hard time peeling myself off of the couch to go pick the baby up from daycare. Like seriously, a really hard time. It felt like I was made out of stone.
What's weird, though is the random second wind I've been getting when I let the dogs out. I don't know where it's coming from. I guess the energy I'm getting from when we eat dinner. Tonight is the 3rd night in a row that I worked out and tonight was the hardest workout I've done this week! Despite printing out the Blogilates workout calendar, though, I still haven't completed a full workout yet. But I'm happy I'm actually doing something instead of making excuses. I even worked out every single body part tonight! When I came back inside with the dogs I even got down on the floor to do some ab workouts and push-ups.
Super accomplished-feeling for that, but I still feel like I'm going to wake up tomorrow and have gained weight. I feel really bloated and full tonight, but the rest of this week I've been going to bed still feeling a little hungry. After my shower tonight I weighed myself again out of curiosity and I was 206.6 again. Water weight and bloating is such bullshit, man.
But all I can do is keep going.
One good thing about today was that the insurance inspector said it would probably take 7-10 days for me to get a decision back on the roof claim, so that's a little more time at least to get that $1,000 deductible together. My husband got a pretty good paycheck today, like $1,200. But he needs to make a truck payment before the 18th of the month of like $800. Then January's actual payment is due ON the 18th. So that will suck. But he's been working enough that we should be able to get him caught up and hopefully have enough left over to get the roof fixed.
Man. Only downside of working out like I did before bed is now I'm hyped the fuck up and I need to go to sleep.
Maybe by some strange miracle I'll wake up a little skinnier.
Breakfast - 280
- coffee - 70
- 2 eggs - 140
- slice of honey wheat toast - 70
Lunch - 245
- makeshift egg salad with the packet of mayo and one slice of toast
Dinner - 883
- 1 cup serving of pizza casserole (so unhealthy but tastes SO good) - about 623
- Ate the rest of those M&Ms - 260
Daily total - 1,408
#13
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Posted Yesterday, 06:25 AM
Friday, January 14, 2022
205.6
I don't even know how this is possible? Another whole pound gained in a day!? And I only ate 200-300 calories more than I have been. Maybe tomorrow I will have lost again. UGH this is frustrating!
This work week has been absolute hell and I'm ready to be done with it. I was so tired last night that I forgot to boil more eggs for the diet today. I boiled some before I left for work and then as soon as I got here I realized that I didn't bring bread and there's only one slice left. So no bread for breakfast today, which definitely isn't a bad thing because I guess all those carbs last night are what got me in trouble in the first place.
I feel like I'm starting to go crazy doing all this low restriction. Like yesterday when the house inspector came and I managed to get myself up and get the baby home and cook dinner. I don't know how I did it, honestly. It's like I'm on auto-pilot. My whole life feels like it's on repeat right now. Every day is literally the same and I feel like I'm starting to go to a dark place mentally. I don't know if this is from the way I'm eating right now or if this is truly what it looks like when you give up.
I'm not trying to go back to that mentality like I was in these past few months, that's when and how I slipped into all that heavy drinking every day and I don't want to be back there. I haven't drank any alcohol in two days not and I plan on not having any more until I get close to 180 lbs. But anyway. Probably that's an unrealistic goal.
Breakfast - 210
- coffee - 70
- two eggs - 140
Lunch - 245
- makeshift egg salad (2 eggs, dollop of mayo, a teeny bit of relish, salt and pepper) on one slice of toast
- Coke Zero
Dinner - 643
- 1 cup of homemade broccoli stir fry
- 1 cup of egg fried rice with 1/2 a cup of homemade yum yum sauce
Daily total: 1,098
I hit a new low tonight and ended up not only getting plastered, but ended up deciding to purge dinner. I haven't purged in years and I have no idea what brought this on. As soon as dinner was done and my husband said that he didn't like it, I guess my mood completely changed and he felt it. I was upset that he didn't like the food after I worked so hard to make everything from scratch, but mostly I was getting upset that I had eaten and drank so much and I started thinking about how much I would gain when I weighed tomorrow morning.
I don't really remember, honestly. When I went to the bathroom and closed the door, my husband instantly came to the door and tried to get me to talk to him about what was wrong. I told him I just thought that I had to poop. I never close the door, though so he must have known something was up with my mood change and then suddenly trying to shut the bathroom door. I purged quickly (weird how that skill never truly leaves your brain even though I haven't purged since high school), washed my face and rinsed out my mouth, and then went back into the living room.
I talked to my husband about my body image problems. I told him about how I can't even look at myself naked without being disgusted. I didn't tell him that I threw up my dinner, though. I feel bad that I made him all upset over something so small as shutting him out of the bathroom all because of how I feel about myself and how I look. I love him so much, but I need to do this for myself.
#14
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Posted Yesterday, 07:08 AM
Saturday, January 15, 2022
202.6
There is no way that I lost 3 lbs overnight so I'm not even going to get all excited.
My husband had to work today, so it's just me and the baby ast the house and I'm just here alone with my thoughts. I don't like this feeling I have today, and I miss my husband. I want him to come home so I can hug him and give him kisses. IDK I'm feeling clingy after opening up to him like I did last night I guess.
I didn't hardly even move today except for to take care of and play with the baby. When my husband got home he wanted to go out to eat. Of course he picked Buffalo Wild Wings, one of my fear food places.. So much sodium in that food (even though it IS really good, not a lot of lower calorie options). I tried to get a salad, but they were out of freaking lettuce! I'm terrified to weigh tomorrow.
Breakfast - 245 calories
- 2 eggs - 140
- Toast - 70
- Coke Zero
Lunch - 245
- Same as breakfast
Dinner - 815
- Pico de gallo & chips - 165?
- 3 brisket tacos - 530
- A few cheese curds - 120ish?
Daily total: 1,305
I know all that sodium is going to have me fucked up tomorrow. Whatever I weigh I'll just have to deal with, tomorrow is the last day of the egg diet anyway.
#15
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Posted Yesterday, 07:14 AM
Sunday, January 16, 2022
207
How is 4.4 lbs gained in a day even a fucking thing? I almost cried this morning after seeing that. I was expecting this, though so I can't even really be mad. I'm just shocked I guess? Today is grocery and cleaning day again already and my husband always wants to go out to eat before we shop. Maybe I can convince him to go to Waffle House. That way I can still have my egg diet breakfast.
Breakfast - 245
- Makeshift egg salad on toast with a Coke Zero
Lunch - 800
- Husband wanted FUCKING Arby's of all things before shopping. I had mac n' cheese (500) and a buffalo chicken slider (300)
- Then I could have gotten away with not having dinner because we ate lunch kind of late and my husband wasn't hungry, but I'm fucking weak and I had a mini binge.
Dinner - 572
- Leftover taco quesadilla - 336
- Half a serving of leftover pizza casserole - about 236
Daily total: 1,672
Not good at all because besides grocery shopping we really didn't do shit today. Not excited to see that scale in the morning.
#16
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Posted Yesterday, 07:26 AM
Monday, January 17, 2022
207.8
UGH, seriously?! It's like I can't win. All that fucking work last week with the egg diet for nothing. I got all the way down to 202! I can't believe I fucked up the diet right here at the end! So I only ended up losing 0.6 lbs technically during the whole week-long diet. I guess now that I've gotten used to lower restriction I'll just keep at it and try to throw in some 24-48 hour fasts to speed things up. I don't know if I can manage that while having to make dinner every night, plus I wonder if my husband would question that? I guess I could just tell him I'm doing a fast. I was fasting a lot while we were dating and he didn't seem to think much of it because I was pretty transparent about it.
I've got to lose this weight. I really want to hit like 180 lbs by March when it starts getting warmer here. I think if I keep restricting and fasting during the week days as much as I can that I'll definitely lose 20-30 lbs by then. I don't know though, it IS almost February.
Breakfast - 158
- Wasn't feeling hungry really so 1/4 of a slice of toast - 18
- 1 egg - 70
- Coffee -70
Lunch - 310
- Leftover chicken and dumplings
Dinner - ?
Didn't write that down for some reason in the physical journal. There were a couple days during this period of time that I logged in the MyFitnessPal app and then didn't copy it to the journal, but now that I'm trying to look back in the app it looks like some of my days are transposed with meals copied so I don't remember what I actually ate. I'll probably just copy my entries from the website on days like that instead of trying to copy it from there to here. Or I'll probably go back and edit some of these entries and copy my logged meals.
Snack - 130
- 1 serving of fudge brownie M&Ms - like 11 pieces?
Daily total in the app says 1,169 but I have three different dinner items copied and I don't really remember what I actually ate. Maybe I binged and purged, idk.
#17
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Posted Yesterday, 07:54 AM
Tuesday, January 18, 2022
207.4
I'm honestly surprised that I lost anything. I was doing good during the day yesterday, and for dinner I made chicken noodle soup, which is pretty low calorie. But I drank the rest of my vodka last night too (that's probably why I didn't finish my day yesterday on MFP lol). This time I actually need to stick to the "no drinking" rule I set for myself.
I decided to try to figure out some science behind why I'm not really losing by figuring out my maintenance calories and my TDEE. I've never really been interested in learning the difference until now.
So according to a calculator I found online, my maintenance calories at this weight are 2,366 calories per day. I'm not eating anywhere near that, yet I'm still gaining and not consistently losing? But there's been alcohol, so.
I Googled "why I'm not losing weight if I'm eating less than my TDEE" and I got this:
Quote
If you're gaining weight, you aren't eating less than your maintenance calories, not your TDEE, which is your total daily energy expenditure.
Maintenance calories are what your body needs to function without additional exercise. Your TDEE is your maintenance calories PLUS however many calories you would burn that day through exercise. You would need to eat 500 calories less than your maintenance calorie amount per day, not 500 less calories than your calculated TDEE.
If your maintenance calories are 2,000 per day and you burn 400 calories through exercise, your TDEE would be 2,400 calories for that day. You would need to eat around 1,500 calories to create a deficit of 900 calories per day if you continued to burn 400 calories through exercise.
So in learning this information, I didn't really get much of an answer. I'm eating 1,300 a day on average, usually less, and doing light exercise during the week. So why am I not losing?! My maintenance amount must be much lower than 2,366. There's just no way I could eat 1,000 calories and not really lose any weight unless I'm calculating my food and I'm WAY OFF. Something still doesn't make sense.
Okay so after more searching I found another calculator that said my maintenance calories are 1,746 calories per day so to lose 2 lbs a week I'd have to eat about 1,028 calories a day.
1 lb a week would be 1,528 calories per day. All of that sounds much better.
Breakfast - 390
- coffee - 70
- nutrition shake - 220
- chewy granola bar, s'mores flavor - 100
Lunch - 298
- Leftover chicken noodle soup (1.5 cups) - 233
- Tried some gumbo and rice someone else brought in. SO GOOD. Spicy as fuck though. It was like two spoonfuls I counted this as 65 calories
Dinner - 511
- 3 BBQ pork meatballs - 229
- 1 cup of cheese grits - 282
Daily total - 1,199
#18
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Posted Yesterday, 08:12 AM
Wednesday, January 19, 2022
206.8
I'm so fucking tired of work forreal. Today Walmart had an issue and called me to ask a question and God forbit, you would have thought they asked me why I wasn't running Walmart anymore right in front of the girl who does run Walmart (who sits right in front of me in the office and overheard this conversation, BTW). It was a simple inventory question that pretty much anyone could have figured out (inventory control is what I do, which is why I was called and not my co-worker), but she made a huge fucking deal out of it like I was going over her head making decisions that were a part of her job or something. She kept repeating "well how does it look if they ask me something about that and then I have no idea because you dealt with it?!" She kept saying that I was making her look like she was an idiot and that she wasn't doing her job.
Okay? So do your fucking job then and people don't have to ask me questions that pertain to your job title. Twat. It really pissed me off though because in this office there are only 3 people, and I work the hardest out of all of us. I have the most knowledge over our products. I literally control inventory. I'm over pulling their weight when we're at work. She really pissed me off on that, it ruined my whole day.
I have nothing to say to her ass for the rest of the week, man. Fuck her. And it's only Wednesday.
I'm also just straight up tired of having this negative, explosive mindset that I've had lately. Well really the past few months. An unhealthy mindset leads to an unhealthy lifestyle. This could not be more true because lately I have definitely not been taking care of my mental health. I feel like I have no interest in life or any of my interests/hobbies anymore. I just painted my nails last night for the first time in almost a year since I've been on maternity leave after I had the baby. And I felt no joy while doing it, it just felt like another task on my seemingly never-ending daily to-do list. I used to love painting my nails, doing face masks, etc.
Now I feel nothing.
I just can't seem to find the enjoyment in anything anymore. I don't know how to get out of this funk either. It's like a never-ending cycle and all I want to do is drink myself to death. Something has to give. Something else besides my weight has to change or I'm probably going to shoot myself.
Breakfast - 400
- 1 cup of leftover mac n' cheese
Lunch - 386
- Taco quesadilla - 336
- 1 tablespoon of sour cream - 25
- 1 tablespoon of guacamole salsa - 25
Dinner - 413
- 1 cup of French onion beef casserole
Daily total - 1,199
#19
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Posted Yesterday, 08:46 AM
Thursday, January 20, 2022
202.6
I'm not even going to get all excited over this.
I had another crazy out of character drunken tirade last night with my husband. Everything was fine until dinner time (why wouldn't it be). I don't know what happened. I was fine and then all of a sudden I was angry as fuck.
My husband was even being so sweet to me, he was washing our dishes for me after we ate (he rarely offers to help clean and when he does I love it so much) and I ended up just chucking my bowl into the sink like it was a football when I was done and then stormed outside to take the dogs out for the night. That's when shit hit the fan because all of a sudden I just started crying! I sat down in the grass and just simply fucking lost it on myself. My husband came outside after a while and got me. I just couldn't stop blubbering. He was holding me and I was just getting makeup and snot all over him.
After like an hour of crying and him being sweet to me and telling me how beautiful I am, I finally calmed down.
Then we had this incredible (oddly sweet and passionate) make up sex. It was really, really nice and it was just exactly what I needed in that moment I guess. He was sitting on the edge of the bed and I was still crying even though I had calmed down at that point. We were just talking and I was telling him that I hate myself when we just kissed a few times and I told him how much I loved him. The rest was history and I'm not going to lay that out on here even though I did in the journal, I'm sure you can use your imagination about what happened afterwards lol.
But wait, there's more.
After we were done I got in the shower and he laid down on the hallway floor in front of the heater (our house is old and has propane heaters). Then he showered. Or so I though. My dumbass thought this would be the perfect time to binge and purge.
My husband hadn't gotten in the shower yet, though. He just had the water running and I assumed he was already in there. He came into the kitchen and saw me puking the rest of the French onion beef casserole up into the sink. I was scooping the noodles out of the sink and into the trash when he walked in, but I told him that I had made myself throw up because I was feeling kind of funny. I guess I got away with it, he didn't see me with my fingers down my throat or anything. He didn't say anything else to me about it, but I know his mind is probably reeling.
I've got to stop drinking vodka straight out of the bottle.
Breakfast - 290
- coffee - 70
- nutrition shake - 220
Lunch - 337
- Finished the broccoli stir fry and egg fried rice that I made last Friday. I ate one cup of stir fry and one cup of the rice
Dinner - 723
- I made something I call a crack chicken roll-up and ended up eating 3 (ugh). Here's a breakdown of what's in them though:
- 3 crescent rolls - 300
- 1.5 slices of American cheese - 105 (half a slice of cheese in each roll-up
- a spoonful of Ranch dressing in each - 58
- 1.5 slices of bacon - 60 (half a slice of bacon in each roll-up)
- frozen fully cooked chicken tenders - 200
- then you mix a can of cream of chicken soup and like a cup of milk and pour it over the roll-ups before you bake them but I didn't factor that into the calculation because there's no way to know exactly how much "sauce" I guess that I actually ate.
Daily total - 1,350
#20
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Posted Yesterday, 09:39 AM
Friday, January 21, 2022
204.4
Now that weight looks a little more realistic, even though I wish I could just get into the 190s already. I started so close to the 190s and now I feel like I'm never going to get there!
Last night I drank the rest of that damn vodka, so now I need to actually stick to the plan of not drinking for a while (I feel like I've told myself this a million times and yet here I am). I was good, though, in the sense that I didn't get all shitty or angry. I was feeling good and my husband and I actually joked around and laughed together while we ate our dinner after we put the baby down to bed.
However. I ate way more for dinner than I planned on eating. So when I took the dogs out I purged dinner into the bushes in front of the house. When I came back inside my husband was in the kitchen. I had to wash my hands and face from shoving my fingers down my throat, but once again he didn't say anything. But usually he isn't in the kitchen at that time of night so I got paranoid. I don't think he suspects that I've been purging, but I also don't know that for sure. It's also scary in a way how easy it's getting for me to purge so quickly and quietly. Dangerous, but I can't seem to stop doing it. After all, that's how I got sent to treatment the first time in high school so I know exactly what the outcome will be if I don't quit. Purging actually feels so good, but it's so fucking gross and SO bad for my body. What's one more thing to fuck me up, though? I've just been cruising through life, fucking my body up little by little so part of me wonders "why quit now?"
I've had the runs all day today, though (TMI sorry). Probably from drinking an entire 5th of vodka in two days, but I've been having bathroom problems for a few weeks now. I might need to go see a doctor, I probably have IBS or some shit. But we can't afford the doctor right now.
I also heard back from the insurance company about the roof claim from January 2nd. They issued a payment to me for $198 because the estimated repair they came up with would cost $1,198 and the deductible is $1,000 but I also haven't paid that to the insurance company so how the fuck does that work, I just pay the contractor the full amount directly?
There's a local guy I think I'm going to call who might be able to do the repairs cheaper than the estimate. He still needs to spray the kitchen for me anyway for termites like we worked out a while ago. He got the chemicals and all but still hasn't come and done it. Maybe it will all work out. My husband is still working a lot and bringing home great paychecks and his job is picking up for the year, so I don't foresee him working any less any time soon. I got kind of scared when I got the call today, though thinking they'd want me to fork over the deductible. Whew. A sigh of relief kind of. We still don't have the money lol.
Breakfast - 233
- 1.5 cups of leftover chicken noodle soup
Lunch - 525
- 1 cup of taco pasta - 441
- a dinner roll someone else in the office didn't want - 84
Dinner - 996
- Hubby wanted to go out to eat Mexican so I had 3 birria tacos - 626
- Hubby also wanted ice cream so I got the smallest thing I could find on the menu and planned to just nibble on it because I was full from dinner, but I ended up eating half of the mini Oreo Blizzard - 370
Daily total - 1,754
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Posted Yesterday, 11:00 AM
Saturday, January 22, 2022
206.8
UGH I'm so tired of this yo-yoing bullshit. To be fair, I knew I'd weigh in high today since we ate out at our favorite Mexican place last night. They've had the internet-famous birria tacos advertised for a while and I'd been dying to try them. They're chuck roast (I think traditionally they're made with goat) that's simmered in broth for quite a while, like a few hours, mozzarella cheese, onion, cilantro, and they fry the tortilla shells in the broth on the griddle before assembling them. You also get a side of the broth to dip the tacos into, like an Au Ju. They were so fucking good I scarfed them down at the speed of light.
I know they were probably full of sodium and fat but I just had to have them. I'd say they were worth the calories. The ice cream trip was not worth the extra calories, but I couldn't just not get ice cream you know? I had the other half of it as my lunch today. I also decided to have two crack chicken roll-ups for breakfast so it's literally 11AM and I'm already 862 calories deep. Luckily tonight for dinner I'm making cream cheese chicken chili, which is right under 300 calories a serving. So I just need to to manage to get in a workout in today somewhere and not eat again until dinner. But we'll see how that goes. Being bored in the house by myself with the baby sometimes I just want to snack out of boredom.
And things seem to be slowly getting better on the financial front. My husband has been working so much that we caught up the truck payment finally, so that's one thing off the list of shit we need to pay for.
Yesterday when I got home I called the local contractor guy to see what he thought about the roof/ceiling and he said that he could definitely do it, but the question is when? It's been really cold and raining this week so I don't want it to keep getting worse. I'll have to keep checking with him on the weekends, because although he's great, he's kind of unreliable when it comes to the timeframe you need. At least I'm not stressing out over paying the insurance company anymore.
Breakfast - 457
- 2 crack chicken roll ups
Lunch - 370
- other half of mini Oreo Blizzard
Dinner - 503
- slice of pizza - 350
- 2 hot wings - 153
Snack - 195
- 3 fun size packs of M&Ms - technically a c/s but I still counted it
Daily total - 1,525
#22
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Posted Yesterday, 11:44 AM
Sunday, January 23, 2022
205.6
I'm really surprised that I lost at all to be honest. Yesterday was supposed to be a super low calorie day. My husband was working all day and I was just home cleaning. I had chicken chili going in the crockpot and was all excited for it, but my husband called on his lunch break and said that our friends who just recently had their new baby finally wanted us to come over! I was excited for that, but not so excited that they wanted to do pizza and wings for dinner of all the fucking things we could have picked. Plus I went and started our dinner for nothing, so I had to turn it off and stick it in the fridge.
So my husband got home yesterday afternoon and showered and we called in the pizza at this newer place in town that has great pizza and wings, like that's all that they make. Then we went to pick it up and go see our friends. We had a great time, honestly, and their baby was super adorable. I miss how tiny they are! Our child is a huge monster (I say that jokingly, but she's the size of a toddler and not even a year old yet) so it's nice to see the fresh, teeny tiny babies all of our friends now have. We stayed over at their house really late just talking and catching up, we haven't seen them in months. We ended up not getting home until almost 11 PM. I still hate that I didn't get to have my planned food though. Something about not being able to stay within my calorie limit and eating out just really irks me for some reason even though I knew how many calories I was going to eat before I even ate the pizza and wings.
And of course, it's grocery day today. We were planning to meet another one of our friend couples who also have a baby in the town over from ours for a nice breakfast before we went shopping (super confusing since I'm leaving out names here, but basically all of our friends are also married couples with babies lol). We got ALL the way there like 30 minutes away from our house just for them to cancel on us last minute because they got into a huge argument on the way there apparently. They said they didn't want to bring their problems to our meeting and ruin the mood, which I can appreciate if we weren't already there waiting for them to show up for 20 minutes when they called us to cancel. We were pretty pissed because we went all the way out of our way just to see them. The location we picked for breakfast was a new place that our friends wanted to try, it was way far out of everyone's way.
My husband and I agreed that we shouldn't try the place without our friends so we decided on Waffle House instead. We used to go to Waffle House every Sunday morning as part of our shopping ritual, but we got away from it after we had our baby. It was so good, though. I tried to keep my calories low with the two egg breakfast, but I really wanted some cheese grits so I caved in on those.
After shopping my husband always goes through the car wash. Today he needed gas, so when he went inside to pay he got me a dark chocolate Kit Kat. My weakness. I only ate a third of it and it was so good. I haven't had one of them in forever either. When we finally got home I put the chicken chili back on for dinner tonight and decided to try baking some egg, bacon, and cheese egg muffin things I found on Pinterest. They're freezer friendly and a good breakfast idea. There's no better breakfast than eggs to me.
When I weighed after my shower tonight I was 206.6. So I'm not very optimistic for tomorrow. I just want to get to the 190s already, I mean shit! In literally 18 days I've only managed to lose 2 lbs! Maybe I was a little heavier since I just worked out 20 minutes ago?
Also, one of our dogs (we have 3) named Nala has really been pissing me off to Hell and back because she must have a UTI or something. She's been pissing all over the house this entire past week and it smells like pure death plus like bloody mucus. It's so disgusting! And yesterday another one of dogs, Princess, pissed in the hallway too for some reason after I had literally just finished cleaning the entire house. Mind you, the hallway is carpeted. And then tonight Nala stole the fucking cake by pissing all over my side of the bed as soon as I put her in the bed tonight. And we had just come back inside! She's the only dog that sleeps with us; she's my husband's dog and he's always slept in the bed with her. I don't sleep with my dogs unless I'm about to wash the sheets, so the fact that she sleeps with us every night is already enough to irk me. Right now we can't afford to take her to the vet plus one of us would have to miss work and my husband definitely can't take off just to do that right now. He just got promoted to a team leader. But she definitely needs to be seen before I fucking kill her. I'm just so annoyed right now. I have to constantly be cleaning up after or someone or something lately in this house (MY FUCKING HOUSE BTW) and it's about to drive me absolutely fucking insane.
Breakfast - 604
- cheese grits - I counted this at 213, but other entries counted this as 140 so I chose the higher calorie one just to be safe
- 2 fried eggs - 140
- 2 slices of wheat toast - 140
- coffee with half and half - 42
- 2 pieces of bacon - 69
Lunch - 160
- 3 dark chocolate Kit Kat fingers
Dinner - 284
- 1 cup of cream cheese chicken chili
Daily total - 1,048
#23
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Posted Yesterday, 12:07 PM
Monday, January 24, 2022
205.4
Wow. I'm having a much easier time with this higher restriction versus lower restriction, but I'm still trying to figure out what my body is doing. Work and being a mom definitely requires a lot more energy than 800 calories can give me. I think I'll be good if I keep at 800 - 1,100 calories a day.
Today was a great day at work because that co-worker that pissed me off last week called in sick. I'm still low key pissed about that incident, though so I'm happy I won't have to see her face first thing today when I get to work. It was also a pretty busy day, though so it absolutely flew by. I wasn't even feeling hungry but I had to eat because my brain started getting that weird fog you get when you're too hungry and I couldn't focus on my work around 10 AM. When I got home from work I decided to weigh in and I was 204.4. Maybe I'm about to have a "whoosh." That would seriously be nice.
Anyway, today was pretty uneventful even though I kept busy. I also called the auto financing company and got the truck payment moved from being due on the 18th to the 24th of the month so that we have a few extra days to make a payment without getting any late fees. So that was a big win because this auto financing company doesn't play with the damn late fees, they accrue on a daily basis and get really expensive really quick. I
Breakfast - 251
- Tried those egg cups and they were great. If anyone reading wants the recipe, here you go - 181. I used some frozen veggies I had rather than follow the recipe to a T
- Coffee - 70
Lunch - 444
- 1 cup of chicken chili - 284
- The last three pieces of my Kit Kat from Sunday - 160
Dinner - 400
- ravioli lasagna - 10 ravioli (250), pasta sauce (70), and mozzarella cheese (80)
Daily total - 1,095
#24
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Posted Yesterday, 12:25 PM
Tuesday, January 25, 2022
203
Hell yeah! Finally, a "whoosh."
And my stupid ass bought vodka again after work yesterday. But I also filed my taxes! This is the first time I've paid an accountant to do my taxes ever (I've always done my own) and I was shocked by the price of $230. I told her that I brought $213 cash so I couldn't afford that. She ended up giving me a coupon offer that they had going for this week and it was $200 flat, so that was super nice of her. And I'm supposed to get back $5,243! And I somehow owe the state $169, which is weird. I've never owed state taxes before.
But yeah, I caved on the vodka again and then purged all my dinner up. Again. But I didn't get all crazy drunk. But I got drunk enough to think purging was a good idea. I'm not sure if my husband knew I was drinking or smelled it on me or not. I get paranoid now about him catching me drinking for some reason and then I feel guilty hiding it, but I just don't want him to judge me. I literally hid the vodka behind the formula in the pantry so that he wouldn't find it. I'm so pathetic, man.
Here's what I shoved into my fat, disgusting mouth today though:
Breakfast - 161
- coffee - 70
- 1 egg cup - 91
Lunch - 505
- 2 crack chicken roll-ups
Dinner - 419 (purged)
- garlic butter chicken - 184
- homemade scalloped potatoes - 235
Daily total - 1,085 (666 though after purging)
I know I'm going to drop weight from purging, but I wonder if it will stay off or not. Probably not.
1
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