kixa's pt 5 accountability/journal
#1 
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Posted 30 July 2022 - 02:54 PM
hello all, its been a while
so a lot of shit has happened (maybe not really but in my brain yes)
so heres some of the things that had the largest impact on my psyche from last accountability (which i ditched and will link ALL my accountabilities below) which i think explain why i ditched it, what happened, and why i dont really know my weight rn too but i am just to anxious will calculate a date for that weigh in soon so i can hopefully put a weight oriented title on this mf to make it more ~attractive~ to eyes like mine that look specifically for the bmis and heights most of the time
i will post links to topics and/or summarize what happened from about end of may til now (i will post the links in chronological order if your curious) but i will explain my 'dark period' that lasted this whole month
links/summary of life events
- my parents started professionally intervening in my ed (labs, nutritionist, threat of ip looming over my head, being told to gain weight & increase cals in the most unsympathetic or dumb way possible- its a rant for another time)
https://www.myproana...mp-justifiable/
^brother got sent to a therapy/willdnerness camp then psych ward for kids, i miss him so much its been 2 months, i actually cried (which i NEVER do) re-reading this post
- parents forced me off wellbutrin and put me on trintellix (i fucking loved wellbutrin ik its like meth or speed but who cares i could function finally)
https://www.myproana...to-eat-anymore/
^faced a crossroads with low res and ortho tendencies, anxiety was really piling up around this time
https://www.myproana...p-im-miserable/
^anxiety and suicidalilty increases (ive never had anxiety before in my life)
https://www.myproana...y-on-safe-food/
^i have a bit over $30 to my name currently and this explains why
https://www.myproana...flex-went-poof/
^failed purge after my few days trying out b/p again since 7 months ago
https://www.myproana...lf-complicated/
^debacle going on in my brain about how long i should wait to weigh myself
links/summaries of accountabilities
1- https://www.myproana...-53-anamia-gal/
-when i was still kinda an mpa newbie kinda nostalgic, first & only faint, feels like now kinda coming off a tiny b/p cycle which i did up to making that accountability
2- https://www.myproana...-184-bmi-by-34/
- this actually felt like a better time in my life kinda miss it
3- https://www.myproana...ty-184-172-bmi/
- shit started going down that last week real bad with my family and my eating; i just hated everyone and being out of my routine (i was a bitch looking back at it)
4- https://www.myproana...ty-172-159-bmi/
- the last one has more in it about what has happened these past couple months w/ treatment, meds, family, brother etc
accountability/journal: https://www.myproana...abilityjournal/
old name: beAbody
edtwt: lemiscunt
mpa2: kixa
#2
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Posted 30 July 2022 - 03:51 PM
so basically weight and calorie wise LONG rant from this whole month so i put it in here, i promise i won't talk this much when my actual accountability gets up and running like old times
i didnt weigh for basically a month i had anxiety of looking at the scale due to my extreme hunger and kinda idgaf since i was at a weight where i felt decent about myself, but by the end of the month i felt like i gained but didn't even take any body checks or look back at my old one (dumb me). most days i ate like 600-700 sometimes but towards the end when i felt the gaining it was 800-1400 (my tdee) and i probably had a couple days where i did go over but i ate my safe foods which cause bloating when you eat them at high volumes so i didnt binge i would say. i actually have reactive eating under control, its mostly like a mental hunger that WOULD NOT GO AWAY no matter how much i increased. i was also increasing because my parents were threatening ip, more intenstive treatment and weren't gonna let me go away this summer to a college program. but none of these are ever excuses. i tried really hard to work my way around the mental hunger but you just have to tell it to stfu for a while until it listens that seems to be the only thing that works for weight loss for me. i could've tricked my parents into that i was eating and stalled all forms of treatment as much as possible until they couldn't legally intervene anymore when i turned 18 or even lost the forced gain, i would rather be forced to gain than do it in this way even if i didnt gain a lot (but it sure LOOKS like i did). when i got back home about a week ago from my summer program, same intense hunger, i wanted to stop it at this point, b/p with restriction sparked an interest in my brain again (last time i did this mainly was like about a year ago) and i have b/ped 3x this week. last one yesterday morn was unsuccessful purge, whole binge was 5220 cals. last night i couldn't sleep, barely safe food, instead of goggling down melatonin til i passed out like a more logical option, i ate safe then unsafe food. i calculated 2478 calories. these calorie numbers could be inaccurate give or take a few hundred but as you see thats severe damage. especially if you havent kept down this amount of calories in almost a year like me. so b/p feels like a no-no now, this happened last time i did this too just not this soon my gag reflex died, im fine purging small volumes but big volumes fuck me up.
accountability/journal: https://www.myproana...abilityjournal/
old name: beAbody
edtwt: lemiscunt
mpa2: kixa
#3
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Posted 30 July 2022 - 04:48 PM
body check time 
so my lw was 85.4 lbs at 5’3” (15.1 bmi) and idk how much ive gained now :/
lw photos:
perpetual bloat stays strong, i swear im not bloated like 5 days out of the year 
now:
sorry the lighting is so crap lol
and whyy are these so big omg i even did the smallest option
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
accountability/journal: https://www.myproana...abilityjournal/
old name: beAbody
edtwt: lemiscunt
mpa2: kixa
#4
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Posted 30 July 2022 - 09:36 PM
heres my stats to make it all fancy 
height: 5'3" / 160cm
hw: 144lb
sw: ?
lw: 85.4lb (15.1 bmi)
gw: ? <-- once i get my cw in 2 days
restriction rules:
- eat 12pm-12am
- no more than 600 cal
- go over, purge, if cant then exercise
- walk at least 10k steps regularly (doesnt have to be everyday but should be a good amount)
ive been working on this habits thing lately but i tweaked some of them, its something i heard about from andrew huberman on yt (you should watch him if youre into improvement of diet, exercise, or like the science of the body and mental disorders; he even has an ed vid i think)
habits:
eat <600 cal
eat 12pm-12am
walk
lower mio usage
lower 0cal sauce usage
track everything
i must do 4-5 habits a day for 21 days, then not enforce it and see if i will stick to it for a week then adjust from there
accountability/journal: https://www.myproana...abilityjournal/
old name: beAbody
edtwt: lemiscunt
mpa2: kixa
#5
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Posted 31 July 2022 - 05:23 PM
7/30
cals: 466
sf jolly rancher’s (314)
- was not mentally feeling it this morn lmao
salad (112)
jello (40)
met all my habits but realized i forgot to track a bit of this bannana, oats, and pb2 shake my mom had me try (it was like 1/3 cup?) idk like +50cals i have no idea tbh
also i went on a walk yesterday and here are my stats
ft my strawberry ice elf (i needa stop vaping fr tho lol)
and i also went on a walk friday
walking helps me pent out my aggression and think out loud so i oddly like it
accountability/journal: https://www.myproana...abilityjournal/
old name: beAbody
edtwt: lemiscunt
mpa2: kixa
#6
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Posted 31 July 2022 - 05:32 PM
FINALLY GOING BACK TO WORK THO kinda scared if they will notice if i gained tho bc they say im the skinny/small one but they havent seen me since early july
am i being dramatic idek
^im weighing on tuesday or wednesday btw
accountability/journal: https://www.myproana...abilityjournal/
old name: beAbody
edtwt: lemiscunt
mpa2: kixa
#7
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Posted 01 August 2022 - 06:45 AM
7/31
cals: 572
salad (117)
yogurt bowl (75)
tuna (90)
apple (70)
yogurt bowl (65)
yogurt bowl (75)
strawberries (35)
salad (55)
more normal day of eating, couldve tracked a bit better tho
im cold again which is nice
and i will prob start taking food photos tmrw
also got woke up in the middle of the night with a headache, low blood sugary, and hungry and had 160 cals. not happy about it but i went for a walk this morning to burn it off
grandpa questioned me on where i was i said i was doing laundry bc i couldn’t sleep (who knows if he believed me) i still sounded high asf too from last night lol
accountability/journal: https://www.myproana...abilityjournal/
old name: beAbody
edtwt: lemiscunt
mpa2: kixa
#8
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Posted 02 August 2022 - 10:50 AM
8/1
cals: 670
yogurt bowl (110)
frozen strawberries smack
nicks mint n chip (250) aka best flavor
added a bit of choc syrup to make a face +10cals
.75 cup miso soup (45) - didnt eat all of it n forgot to get a photo
3 pieces of yellowtail sashimi (60) - they were pretty thin sliced
a few slices of cucumber from the top of this
negledgible
small apple (35)
jello x8 (my fav safe food for when i have less cals left in the day) and only $3 at my store!
yogurt bowl (65)
yogurt bowl (65) woke up in the middle of the night hungry again but tbh couldve staved it off prob— i need to look into benadryl lol
no walk today :,)
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
accountability/journal: https://www.myproana...abilityjournal/
old name: beAbody
edtwt: lemiscunt
mpa2: kixa
#9
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Posted Yesterday, 06:01 PM
8/2
cals: 498
chicken salad (85)
apple (35)
yogurt bowl (38) & a bunch of cinnamon? why? idk
3 oatmeal cookies (25)
yogurt bowl (120)
tuna salad (90)
and then i ate a mini yog bowl (55) and 2 mini apples (50) later when i woke up in the middle of the night TWICE helpp ugh
im gonna just down a bunch of melatonin, water, and weed from now on
no walk today, its so tough finding a time to go bc my parents would prob be suspicious if i started exercising again so i have to do it when theyre not home and theyve already caught me sneaking out 3x this week and im too tired to go most nights
accountability/journal: https://www.myproana...abilityjournal/
old name: beAbody
edtwt: lemiscunt
mpa2: kixa
#10
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Posted Yesterday, 09:05 PM
my razor is so dull i can only do cat scratches or maybe im just too pussy to press harder i like pain but idk it gives me like weird sensory issues i fear that underneath - TW bc this might be triggering for sh or just too gory-
lol)accountability/journal: https://www.myproana...abilityjournal/
old name: beAbody
edtwt: lemiscunt
mpa2: kixa
#11
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Posted Yesterday, 10:20 PM
i just realized i downed almost 4L of water in less than 2 hours this cannot be good for me.. i feel like puking omg
accountability/journal: https://www.myproana...abilityjournal/
old name: beAbody
edtwt: lemiscunt
mpa2: kixa
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