🌸 softpink's 5'2" accountability: diary of a junior doctor 🌸 outfits, photos, rants and gratitude 🌸
#4082 
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- 2112 posts
Advanced Sage
- LocationBed
Posted 04 July 2022 - 07:48 AM
I don’t really know what’s best for you but it sure as hell isn’t being where you are, I find it ironic how you’re constantly being told that you’re more than your job, more than just being a doctor and to have a healthy work life balance but as soon as you’re thrown in they’re saying “you need to recover for your job” and “don’t you want to get back to work?”. Now, don’t get me wrong, it would be totally valid if that was a major goal or motivation for you to recover but it feels like they should be encouraging you for internal reasons. I just feel like they’re throwing you in there, force-feeding you and then acting surprised when you get readmitted, obviously this approach is not working. What would you like to happen in regard to treatment, work etc (aside from everyone leaving you alone and letting you have a proper rest)?
Also, screw that nurse. I might be being blissfully ignorant here, but can you report her? She could of obviously brought up the blanket thing in a more productive and polite manner rather than just throwing your belongings on the ground? And why is she getting crabby over the thermostat? Is the energy bill coming out of her pay? Ridiculous.
Again, I’m so, so sorry this is all happening to you. If you ever need any help or anything please don’t be afraid to reach out to any of us!! Praying that the days go by quickly and you’re out before you know it.
#4083
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Posted 05 July 2022 - 01:44 AM
Replies ♡:
moonlight155, on 04 Jul 2022 - 07:48 AM, said:
Big hugs.
I don’t really know what’s best for you but it sure as hell isn’t being where you are, I find it ironic how you’re constantly being told that you’re more than your job, more than just being a doctor and to have a healthy work life balance but as soon as you’re thrown in they’re saying “you need to recover for your job” and “don’t you want to get back to work?”. Now, don’t get me wrong, it would be totally valid if that was a major goal or motivation for you to recover but it feels like they should be encouraging you for internal reasons. I just feel like they’re throwing you in there, force-feeding you and then acting surprised when you get readmitted, obviously this approach is not working. What would you like to happen in regard to treatment, work etc (aside from everyone leaving you alone and letting you have a proper rest)?
Also, screw that nurse. I might be being blissfully ignorant here, but can you report her? She could of obviously brought up the blanket thing in a more productive and polite manner rather than just throwing your belongings on the ground? And why is she getting crabby over the thermostat? Is the energy bill coming out of her pay? Ridiculous.
Again, I’m so, so sorry this is all happening to you. If you ever need any help or anything please don’t be afraid to reach out to any of us!! Praying that the days go by quickly and you’re out before you know it.
Thank you for asking about what I would like to happen. I feel like no one has asked me. I only want ECT. If I could receive that on the mood ward and then come in for it as an outpatient that would be great. If I could have my own room during the admissions. If they would let me go back to work while trying to minimise the overtime at work. If they would make BMI a criteria for return to work. If they would just listen to me, and give me some guidance as necessary.
Fingers crossed for better days for the both of us.
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Tuesday 5th July 2022
Admission day 9: losing my room
Mood: disillusioned
Sleep: 5hrs 30mins
Income: none
Expenditure: none
Non-b/p intake:
1 slice toast, 2 egg whites, 1 apple
1/4 nut bar, 1/4 fruit and nut bar
Ricotta slice, garden salad
2 Vitaweets, 1 cheese
Steamed fish, rice, vegetables
The nuts from fruit and nut mix
Exercise:
YouTube workout
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The one thing that made this admission tolerable was having my own room. I know I probably abused it by running around and b/p-ing in it so that’s probably why when tomorrow’s patient who ‘has a need for a single room’ is admitted it’s me who is getting moved rather than anyone else even though I’ve been here longer than some of the others who have single rooms. I know the patient being admitted probably has some serious trauma but it drives me mental because this room was the only thing keeping me sane. This has been such a horrible admission, with the ECT delays and everything and now this. Losing my own room made me remember losing my unit and my own space. That is traumatic too but I guess my trauma will always be less important than someone else's. My comfort and needs will always be below someone else's.
I’m so over this place. And not just this unit. I saw the downstairs mood unit group and there is one patient who was down there who was on the ED unit a few admissions back. She wore tights and it was obvious her BMI was about 10. I feel it unfair that my psychiatrist would allow her to be on the mood ward and not me.
I managed to ‘scam’ all the meals. Got rid of about a slice of bread, both egg yolks and butter at breakfast, about maybe 1/2 a bar’s worth out of the two nut bars at morning tea, got rid of my bread rolls at lunch (the dietitian saw my bread rolls missing and asked me if I got the rolls, which I said I did and technically it wasn’t a lie, I did take them but then I hid both), got rid of cheese and vitaweets and then half of my rice at dinner. I did come unstuck at dinner because the nurse pocket checked me. I think they had thought I was binge stashing but it was just restriction-stashing.
It’s no excuse I guess but honestly it’s been really stressful having four (4!) patients admitted today, the room change tomorrow. And one of the new patients decided to sit opposite me.
I had a bit of a cry after it, and then got delivered some flowers from yetanotheramy, which made me smile.
I just find it unbearably difficult. They asked if I want to sit closer to the nurse’s table for supervision and to reduce the temptation but of course I don’t want that. If I did, I would have done it already. I hate it when I apologise and they say “well, it’s your recovery” as if I should feel guilty that I don’t want it yet. Every time I think about it, tears come to my eyes. I am so stuck. I don’t want to recover because recovery means gaining weight. If I could eat without purging and exercising and not gain weight, I would do the program. But my metabolism has always been trash. So I can’t.
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Meritable things:
- Went to all groups
- Rewatched my lectures
- Did some life admin
- Made an appointment with my psychologist
Things that made my day:
- @yetanotheramy sent me flowers!!!!
One thing I am grateful for today:
They didn’t make me have Fortisip for my missing rice at dinner.
'Life without hope is hopelessly difficult but at the end hope can so easily make fools of us all.'
-Henry Marsh.
25 year old med school graduate (undergrad: diagnostic radiography)
AN b/p
maybe/maybe not Christian
Height: 5'2" (157cm)
CW: 68lbs (30.8kg) BMI 12.5
SW: 121 lbs (55kg) BMI 22.7
Accountability (ED, studies and life)
Instagram, (send me a DM for the handle!)
Med Tumblr (my journal from medical imaging to medicine)
Recovery/positivity Tumblr (for a bit of a change in tack)
#4084
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- 605 posts
Advanced Guru
- LocationAustralia
Posted 05 July 2022 - 02:37 PM
I'm so glad the flowers are alright, it is so hard to tell online. I'm sorry you had such an awful day. I am really sad that your team aren't "meeting you where you are" rather than trying to force recovery on you.
In terms of "impairment" I understand liability for having a low bmi but surely at this stage a harm minimization strategy would be more beneficial. Lots and lots of people work in all professions with chronic illness. Imagine punishing people for not managing their blood pressure as well as they should or their asthma. I still don't think it is fair that you are punished for having been transparent about your illness rather than not disclosing. I know you don't need any more on your plate but maybe a service like MHAS could help. They are part of Legal Aid and provide advocacy and advice, I know they usually deal with the MHA and involuntary but at this point you are informally involuntarily. I am pretty sure anything you told them would be privileged so it can't be used against you in a tribunal etc.
Sorry for the wall of text. I am thinking of you and still so angry and disillusioned on your behalf.
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#4085
- Accountability access
- 2437 posts
Advanced Sage
- LocationAustralia
Posted 05 July 2022 - 06:45 PM
Mine always bombs with refeeding too regardless of malnutrition aetiology 😅
I’m surprised they haven’t put you on multiple doses of slow K though :/
Do they at least have you on phosphorus, thiamine, zinc, and a multivitamin? I’d also ask your dr to charm Movicol as a regular med so the nurses can’t be stingy giving it to you.
I’m also surprised they’re pushing so much solid food your way and not offering more liquid nutrition because your GI motility must be fairly delayed at your weight
Can you ask for a medical review before your next MDT?
Also I feel you on having a trash metabolism people think that being skinny = fast metabolism when in reality we are more often than not hypometabolic due to multiple endocrine adaptations from inconsistent nutrition and it’s scary af to reverse that because to do so weight gain is unavoidable :’)
xx
Female • 29yrs • 5’2 • EDNOS
TDEE 1253 kcal
BMR 976 kcal
RD2be
Quod me nutrit me destruit
HEALTH
•Zebra
•Gastroparesis + Slow Colon
•Autonomic Dysfunction
• HW 54kg • LW 38kg • GW ? < 40kg (88.2lb) •
Weight Loss
• 44kg 97lb • 43.5kg 95.9lb • 43kg 94.8lb • 42.5kg 93.7lb • 42kg 92.6lb • 41.5kg 91.5lb • 41kg 90.4lb • 40.5kg 89.3lb • 40kg 88.2lb • 39.5kg 87.1lb • 39kg 86lb • 38.5kg 84.9lb • 38kg 83.8lb • 37.5kg 82.7lb • 37kg 81.6lb • 36.5kg 80.5lb • 36kg 79.4lb • 35.5kg 78.3lb • 35kg 77.2lb • 34.5kg 76.1lb • 34kg 75lb •
#4086
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- 1872 posts
Advanced Sage
- LocationTexas
Posted 05 July 2022 - 10:42 PM
Quote
That is traumatic too but I guess my trauma will always be less important than someone else's. My comfort and needs will always be below someone else's.
NEVER let yourself believe this, I don't care what the outside world does to you, but YOUR trauma is very important, very real, very meaningful and very much worth a damn. And so are your needs and your comfort. I don't care if the Queen of England herself walked into that ward, that does not suddenly make your problems less important than hers.
Catching up after a very exhausting holiday weekend here in the US. But I'm going to add that as for everything else, I'm gonna tell it to you like I would my bff's face. - you do what you have to do to get out of there. if that means being compliant, then put on that fighting armor and do it, you fight to get ECT outpatient, you show them what they want and get the hell out. That place has almost stolen your life once and i'll be damned if it crushes you again. None of that staff know what they're doing, the problem with the medical industry is that they still don't know how to properly help people with EDs, they think if they force you to eat and make you sing kumbaya you'll be magically cured but no one bothers getting to the root cause of each INDVIDUAL and sometimes someone is so far lost in their ED they don't even know how it began. I dread thinking about recovery, and you simply cannot force someone into it (and this goes for any type of recovery).
Make a battle plan to win the war and win it even if you cheat to fool them, then take that time for Softpink, that trip just yourself - shut off the world, even if it's just a day or two. I want this so much for you because I understand how badly a person can need it just to survive. I myself am on the verge of a mental breakdown because i cannot get this simple thing once again from my family and from work and the stress of it is overbearing. I wish everyday you get that peace Softpink and I would wholeheartedly sacrifice mine for you.
Fighting beside you in spirit! Sending you all my love and care.
Somewhere out there someone will notice me
Starting weight: 282.3
Current weight: 267.6 >.<
Height: 5'7
***************************
Goals & Rewards
Gw1: 240 - new nail polish Gw2: 220 - new book Gw3: 200 - new game
Gw4: 170 - new shoes Gw5: 150 - new bag Gw6: 130 - new skinny jeans
Gw7: 120 - new dress Ugw: 110 - new wardrobe!
#4087
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- 2112 posts
Advanced Sage
- LocationBed
Posted 06 July 2022 - 12:50 AM
I am so, so sorry you have to deal with the unsympathetic staff and all the changes happening at the moment, your trauma is valid and I’m so sorry this place is only adding to it.
#4088
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- 3023 posts
Omniscient
- LocationAustralia
Posted 06 July 2022 - 05:28 AM
Replies ♡:
yetanotheramy, on 05 Jul 2022 - 2:37 PM, said:
I'm so glad the flowers are alright, it is so hard to tell online. I'm sorry you had such an awful day. I am really sad that your team aren't "meeting you where you are" rather than trying to force recovery on you.
In terms of "impairment" I understand liability for having a low bmi but surely at this stage a harm minimization strategy would be more beneficial. Lots and lots of people work in all professions with chronic illness. Imagine punishing people for not managing their blood pressure as well as they should or their asthma. I still don't think it is fair that you are punished for having been transparent about your illness rather than not disclosing. I know you don't need any more on your plate but maybe a service like MHAS could help. They are part of Legal Aid and provide advocacy and advice, I know they usually deal with the MHA and involuntary but at this point you are informally involuntarily. I am pretty sure anything you told them would be privileged so it can't be used against you in a tribunal etc.
Sorry for the wall of text. I am thinking of you and still so angry and disillusioned on your behalf.
The flowers were absolutely gorgeous, almost as beautiful as you. Thank you so much for listening to my rants about this godforsaken excuse of a clinic and not making light of the experience here. It means a lot that you feel so deeply for me.
xxRho, on 05 Jul 2022 - 6:45 PM, said:
I know you feel that the dropping potassium is proof that being in hospital is making you worse but in reality even ED patients who never purge, (even non ED patients), often experience a drop (sometimes quite significant) in potassium when they start refeeding.
Mine always bombs with refeeding too regardless of malnutrition aetiology
I’m surprised they haven’t put you on multiple doses of slow K though :/
Do they at least have you on phosphorus, thiamine, zinc, and a multivitamin? I’d also ask your dr to charm Movicol as a regular med so the nurses can’t be stingy giving it to you.
I’m also surprised they’re pushing so much solid food your way and not offering more liquid nutrition because your GI motility must be fairly delayed at your weight
Can you ask for a medical review before your next MDT?
Also I feel you on having a trash metabolism people think that being skinny = fast metabolism when in reality we are more often than not hypometabolic due to multiple endocrine adaptations from inconsistent nutrition and it’s scary af to reverse that because to do so weight gain is unavoidable :’)
xx
I generally do okay asking for prn Movicol because basically everyone asks for it and I think there’d be a protest if they stopped giving it. The last NUM tried to make people pay for it instead of giving ward stock but I think people may have complained.
I get 2 Chlorvescent bd but I think I purge some of it so I’ve smuggled in my own supply of span-K and it seems to be keeping me afloat.
The dietician seems to have very grand plans for my meal plan… I mean, I could probably ask for Fortisip instead if it got too overwhelming but I’m pretty sure that’s more calories.
Thank you for your thoughts and care.
Ravenshollow, on 05 Jul 2022 - 10:42 PM, said:
NEVER let yourself believe this, I don't care what the outside world does to you, but YOUR trauma is very important, very real, very meaningful and very much worth a damn. And so are your needs and your comfort. I don't care if the Queen of England herself walked into that ward, that does not suddenly make your problems less important than hers.
Catching up after a very exhausting holiday weekend here in the US. But I'm going to add that as for everything else, I'm gonna tell it to you like I would my bff's face. - you do what you have to do to get out of there. if that means being compliant, then put on that fighting armor and do it, you fight to get ECT outpatient, you show them what they want and get the hell out. That place has almost stolen your life once and i'll be damned if it crushes you again. None of that staff know what they're doing, the problem with the medical industry is that they still don't know how to properly help people with EDs, they think if they force you to eat and make you sing kumbaya you'll be magically cured but no one bothers getting to the root cause of each INDVIDUAL and sometimes someone is so far lost in their ED they don't even know how it began. I dread thinking about recovery, and you simply cannot force someone into it (and this goes for any type of recovery).
Make a battle plan to win the war and win it even if you cheat to fool them, then take that time for Softpink, that trip just yourself - shut off the world, even if it's just a day or two. I want this so much for you because I understand how badly a person can need it just to survive. I myself am on the verge of a mental breakdown because i cannot get this simple thing once again from my family and from work and the stress of it is overbearing. I wish everyday you get that peace Softpink and I would wholeheartedly sacrifice mine for you.
Fighting beside you in spirit! Sending you all my love and care.
Thank you so much for feeling so deeply for me. I wish your family would give you the space you need. It’s such a never-ending grind…
I know exactly what you mean. Thank you for the bff pep talk. I will revisit your comment when I feel tempted to engage in behaviours that will tarnish my patient records.
You know I would do the same for you in a heartbeat. I hope that you find peace and a spot of time to simply 'be' very, very soon.
moonlight155, on 06 Jul 2022 - 12:50 AM, said:
See, I read what you wrote and it sounds so reasonable and doable. I wish that instead of everyone scrambling around they would ask you what you want and give you an actual target to work towards for the time being.
I am so, so sorry you have to deal with the unsympathetic staff and all the changes happening at the moment, your trauma is valid and I’m so sorry this place is only adding to it.
It’s a sh*tshow here, honestly. Thank you for dropping in and for always caring. You’re a real gem.
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Wednesday 6th July 2022
Admission day 10: roommate tensions
Mood: infuriated
Sleep: 5hrs 30mins
Income: none
Expenditure: none
Non-b/p intake:
1.5 slice toast, 1 egg whites, 1 whole egg, 1 apple
1/3 nut bar, 1/3 fruit and nut bar
2/3 cheese salad wrap
1 Vitaweets, 1 cheese
Port cutlet, vegetables
The nuts from fruit and nut mix
Exercise:
YouTube workout
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I have no words for how unfair this place is. My roommate has a standing desk and the nursing staff see her standing there all day and never once tell her off. I got caught purging lunch the other day but my roommate goes straight to the bathroom and she is in there for a literal hour without coming out.
That bathroom is meant to be shared between her, me and the other patient on the other side of the wall. But only she gets to use it, and she trashes the place. A clump of hair in the drain. Five towels hung up. Cups everywhere. A water bottle in the shower.
It is unbelievably unfair. And I think the staff are being racist. They are always scolding me and the other girl who are of colour. And yet they turn a blind eye to that other patient when really she should be discharged for complete non-compliance.
The ~super special~ patient who ‘needed’ the single room didn’t even turn up today. But they’ve already cleaned the room and I am reticent to ask them if I can sleep in it tonight because then they’ll be annoyed that they have to strip and clean it again tomorrow if that patient is coming in. They will bend over backwards for the other patients who kick up a fuss in the dining room but are so harsh to me. When catching me out they accuse me of lying to them and myself and then put it back on me, trying to guilt me for not taking my recovery seriously. When they turn a blind eye to my roommate's ridiculous shenanigans.
But onto the positive; ECT this morning went well. They asked if I wanted to have breakfast in the dining room and the anaesthetic hadn’t made me too woozy so I did but I regretted it. My ED kicked me and told me I should have told them I would have it later so I could get away with hiding more. I avoided eating the butter, an egg yolk and a slice of bread but could have gotten away with more.
During bedrest I continued with my assignment. They weren’t wrong when they said recoding a variable in Stata is a nightmare. I swear I’ve spent over an hour trying to do it and coming up with a million different error messages.
My ED kept on piping up about how I need to raid the dining room when it’s unattended so I can get all the cakes and biscuits. It’s definitely an acting out because I’m sick of this place and its injustice.
My parents came to visit. It seems I can’t get a moment to myself, even less so now that I’m sharing with the ED ward roommate from hell.
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Meritable things:
- Went to all groups
- Lay down for a bit in the middle of the day because I was exhausted
- Went to stretch group
- Logged into my roster although I have been avoiding it because trying to figure out how to max out my paid leave is stressful af
- Recoding the variable and tabulating it
- Fixed this lego I was making for Big Sunflower
Things that made my day:
- Receiving ECT uneventfully
- Not getting pulled up on any of the food I hid
- Getting over 10k steps in
One thing I am grateful for today:
The two nurses who are really strict on me somehow happened to both not be on by some freak stroke of luck.
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'Life without hope is hopelessly difficult but at the end hope can so easily make fools of us all.'
-Henry Marsh.
25 year old med school graduate (undergrad: diagnostic radiography)
AN b/p
maybe/maybe not Christian
Height: 5'2" (157cm)
CW: 68lbs (30.8kg) BMI 12.5
SW: 121 lbs (55kg) BMI 22.7
Accountability (ED, studies and life)
Instagram, (send me a DM for the handle!)
Med Tumblr (my journal from medical imaging to medicine)
Recovery/positivity Tumblr (for a bit of a change in tack)
#4089
- Accountability access
- 1872 posts
Advanced Sage
- LocationTexas
Posted 06 July 2022 - 07:07 AM
Would there be a way to switch roommates? I couldn't handle someone like that and it would mentally make things so much worse, not just her actions but her messiness in the bathroom alone would make me rage lol. Your ED is on fire right now because everything is so wrong, nothing is right and it's just sees things as worse. You are at war with yourself and the world and the majority of people aren't going to understand that.
The dolphin lego reminded me of our family trip we are going on this weekend, we are going on a dolphin sighting! I hope we get to see some, we are taking two of my nieces and I know they will be filled with excitement at being able to see dolphins.
Hope your day is ok, I know it's hard in there but we are all here for you and with you. Sending you all my love.
Somewhere out there someone will notice me
Starting weight: 282.3
Current weight: 267.6 >.<
Height: 5'7
***************************
Goals & Rewards
Gw1: 240 - new nail polish Gw2: 220 - new book Gw3: 200 - new game
Gw4: 170 - new shoes Gw5: 150 - new bag Gw6: 130 - new skinny jeans
Gw7: 120 - new dress Ugw: 110 - new wardrobe!
#4090
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Omniscient
- LocationAustralia
Posted Yesterday, 02:12 AM
Reply ♡:
Ravenshollow, on 06 Jul 2022 - 07:07 AM, said:
Would there be a way to switch roommates? I couldn't handle someone like that and it would mentally make things so much worse, not just her actions but her messiness in the bathroom alone would make me rage lol. Your ED is on fire right now because everything is so wrong, nothing is right and it's just sees things as worse. You are at war with yourself and the world and the majority of people aren't going to understand that.
The dolphin lego reminded me of our family trip we are going on this weekend, we are going on a dolphin sighting! I hope we get to see some, we are taking two of my nieces and I know they will be filled with excitement at being able to see dolphins.
Hope your day is ok, I know it's hard in there but we are all here for you and with you. Sending you all my love.
I could probably ask for a new roommate but the thing is at least I won’t trigger her if she hears me exercising because that’d kind of be calling the kettle black, right? And I guess it’s not really the mess or her hours in the bathroom that bother me, it’s really the double standards held by the nursing staff.
And how wonderful! I remember going dolphin watching on a family trip many years ago. It’s a magical experience to see them diving and I hope you get to see many!
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Thursday 7th July 2022
Admission day 11: the new admission
Weight: 32.0kg (+0.5kg, although non-water-loaded-gain +0.2kg)
Mood: annoyed
Sleep: 5hrs 30mins
Income: none
Expenditure: none
Non-b/p intake:
1.2 slices toast, 2 egg whites, 1 apple
1/3 nut bar, 1/3 fruit and nut bar
Chicken breast, garden salad
2.5 Vitaweets, 1 cheese
Tofu, vegetables, 1/3 cup rice
The nuts from fruit and nut mix
Exercise:
YouTube workout
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Woken for weigh in (drank a cup of water before for good measure to ensure I get leave over the weekend) and the blood collection lady who stabbed me three times and unsuccessfully tried to take blood from my ankle. Most painful blood collection attempt in my life. I will water load a lot more on my last weigh in because I need a good BMI to present to the assessor later this month.
The new admission arrived today. She’s an older lady, nice enough, but I can’t shake the gripe I have that she was given priority for my room.
It’s an unspoken rule that when you arrive on your first day of the admission you ask which seats are available and you don’t sit where someone’s been sitting for days/weeks. I don’t think people should throw tantrums if someone takes your spot, but a lot of patients will assertively tell the newbie that was their spot, could they kindly find another place to sit instead. But I am too shy to do that.
The only tables left are the ones directly in front of the nurses and I refuse to sit there. I sat instead next to the patient who is having breakdowns and I don’t know if it’s because I sat opposite her but she ended up refusing to eat and nursing staff sent her upstairs with a tray. So I guess maybe I shouldn’t sit there. Once again, other peoples’ needs trump mine.
Some close calls today:
I think the therapist saw me opening my nut bar packages. I was intending to hide them so the packet looked full when I’d actually removed most of the bar. I saw her whisper something to the dietitian and they were both looking at me. I still managed to remove the bar, but with a lot of stress. At lunch I somehow managed to hide both bread rolls. Afternoon tea, the usual slipped cheese and crackers. Dinner, half the rice went down my shirt and the other half I held in my mouth and spat out. At breakfast I got rid of the egg yolks and butter.
One very scary close call was me scurrying down to the dining room to try raid the cupcakes. One of the nurses was coming up from there and asked what I was doing - I said I was checking the laundry. I went into the laundry then back to my room and threw the bag I was going to gather the goods into my cupboard. The nurse came in and demanded to know what I had put in my cupboard. I showed her the empty bag, which satisfied her, and she left. She never does that to the other patients who go down to the dining room outside of mealtimes.
I hate the double standards. I’m not triggered by people but I’m sick to death of the way the nurses crouch down besides struggling patients and speak gently to them and ask what they want and need. Other patients pull apart their sandwiches and pick at them but when I pick at my nut bar the nurse comes over, glares at me and says “I want you to pick that up and eat it like a normal person”.
My parents came to visit. I just want some space. This place is hell.
One of the oncoming oncology JMOs texted me to ask for a handover. At first I told her to contact the other JMO and then I decided just to give her a call. Even on my days off, I’m still a doctor and I will take pride in that. I will be and I am a decent junior medical officer.
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Meritable things:
- Went to all groups
- Called the JMO to give a handover
- Worked on my assignment
Things that made my day:
- I think my roommate is discharging tomorrow
- I had to disassemble and reassemble this several times but managed to put it together:
One thing I am grateful for today:
My roommate might be discharging tomorrow. It makes me sad as I think she really needs help but even if she doesn't see it, she needs more support than she got here.
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'Life without hope is hopelessly difficult but at the end hope can so easily make fools of us all.'
-Henry Marsh.
25 year old med school graduate (undergrad: diagnostic radiography)
AN b/p
maybe/maybe not Christian
Height: 5'2" (157cm)
CW: 68lbs (30.8kg) BMI 12.5
SW: 121 lbs (55kg) BMI 22.7
Accountability (ED, studies and life)
Instagram, (send me a DM for the handle!)
Med Tumblr (my journal from medical imaging to medicine)
Recovery/positivity Tumblr (for a bit of a change in tack)
#4091
- Accountability access
- 605 posts
Advanced Guru
- LocationAustralia
Posted Yesterday, 03:57 PM
I still can't believe there are shared rooms. A specialist private clinic treating a notoriously competitive illness but lets just chuck em all in together and hope for the best.
I think there needs to some sort of internal inquiry examining the culture and operation of the clinic. It is failing people and their families and they get away with it because there is nowhere else. There are obviously systemic issues that need to be addressed to stop the revolving door and maybe people might actually leave the clinic in a better state than when they went in because it isn't happening now.
I hope you get your weekend leave and get a brief reprieve from there.
You are an amazing Doctor and have worked so hard to get where you are and I know you have so much to give.
#4092
- Accountability access
- 1872 posts
Advanced Sage
- LocationTexas
Posted Today, 01:20 PM
I hope you get your leave. I'll be thinking of you on our dolphin trip! I'll try to get a couple of pictures, but in my last MH IP I learnt to stop living my life through what everyone else expected me to do (be the family photographer, host, mother, sister, aunt, babysitter, etc) and stop and enjoy those moments in life i keep missing out on because i'm too busy doing everything else. Mom gets mad because i'll be sitting and watching and enjoying rather than struggling with the camera to capture the perfect moment. But over the last couple months it's been life changing in a way, makes me think of you when you take a moment to enjoy the little things you see on your jogs.
I really wish you could get on the mood ward rather than the ED ward, you'd benefit so much more. Some of us just learn to coexist with our EDs and we find that medium where it's still there and a part of our life, but it's not controlling our lives. and that can be ok, as long as we are mentally, in a better place, it's been 25 years for me of living with an ED, it's still here and it will always be here but it's not the controlling demon it used to be but rather we coexist. This would NEVER have been possible though without some long stays in the mood ward, and finding a good psychologist and psychiatrist. And this is what I wish for you to have too one day, we may never be free of our EDs but we can certainly be happy and alive in our lives. I hope that all made sense.
Sending you lots of love and all my strength, care, and fighting spirit!
Somewhere out there someone will notice me
Starting weight: 282.3
Current weight: 267.6 >.<
Height: 5'7
***************************
Goals & Rewards
Gw1: 240 - new nail polish Gw2: 220 - new book Gw3: 200 - new game
Gw4: 170 - new shoes Gw5: 150 - new bag Gw6: 130 - new skinny jeans
Gw7: 120 - new dress Ugw: 110 - new wardrobe!
#4093
- Accountability access
- 3023 posts
Omniscient
- LocationAustralia
Posted Today, 06:35 PM
Replies ♡:
yetanotheramy, on 07 Jul 2022 - 3:57 PM, said:
I still can't believe there are shared rooms. A specialist private clinic treating a notoriously competitive illness but lets just chuck em all in together and hope for the best.
I think there needs to some sort of internal inquiry examining the culture and operation of the clinic. It is failing people and their families and they get away with it because there is nowhere else. There are obviously systemic issues that need to be addressed to stop the revolving door and maybe people might actually leave the clinic in a better state than when they went in because it isn't happening now.
I hope you get your weekend leave and get a brief reprieve from there.
You are an amazing Doctor and have worked so hard to get where you are and I know you have so much to give.
It's another one of those things where the other wards get better treatment than the ED ward. The mood/anxiety and drug/alcohol units all have single rooms. But not the ED ward.
Thank you so much for being here with me on this dumpster-fire of a day.
Ravenshollow, on 08 Jul 2022 - 1:20 PM, said:
I hope you get your leave. I'll be thinking of you on our dolphin trip! I'll try to get a couple of pictures, but in my last MH IP I learnt to stop living my life through what everyone else expected me to do (be the family photographer, host, mother, sister, aunt, babysitter, etc) and stop and enjoy those moments in life i keep missing out on because i'm too busy doing everything else. Mom gets mad because i'll be sitting and watching and enjoying rather than struggling with the camera to capture the perfect moment. But over the last couple months it's been life changing in a way, makes me think of you when you take a moment to enjoy the little things you see on your jogs.
I really wish you could get on the mood ward rather than the ED ward, you'd benefit so much more. Some of us just learn to coexist with our EDs and we find that medium where it's still there and a part of our life, but it's not controlling our lives. and that can be ok, as long as we are mentally, in a better place, it's been 25 years for me of living with an ED, it's still here and it will always be here but it's not the controlling demon it used to be but rather we coexist. This would NEVER have been possible though without some long stays in the mood ward, and finding a good psychologist and psychiatrist. And this is what I wish for you to have too one day, we may never be free of our EDs but we can certainly be happy and alive in our lives. I hope that all made sense.
Sending you lots of love and all my strength, care, and fighting spirit!
I did get leave! I would have loved to escape here for two main meals but only got one. Still, one is better than none.
There were a few days I didn’t mind being on this ward so much but today I’ve just gotten so over the nurses. I hate it so much. I feel the same. I think there's an unrealistic expectation of how much I will recover during this time. I think for a lot of us we can manage the ED but it remains dormant and certain thoughts and behaviours will crop up in stressful situations (ironically more in this environment) but we can learn to manage them. I just feel like despite everyone telling me it's okay not to be perfect, they are holding me to the standard of 'good patient perfection'.
Sending much love right back at you ♡
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Friday 8th July 2022
Admission day 12: 3rd ECT, another breakdown
Mood:
Sleep: 5hrs 30mins
Income: none
Expenditure: none
Non-b/p intake:
1.2 slices toast, 2 egg whites, 1 apple
1/3 nut bar, 1/3 fruit and nut bar
2 egg whites, 1 slice cheese, garden salad
1 Vitaweet, 1 peanut butter sachet
Steak, vegetables, 1 scoop potato mash
The nuts from fruit and nut mix
Exercise:
YouTube workout
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When the anaesthesia wore off from ECT this morning I was crying out and scared. It was my first time having post-anaesthetic agitation. But I came through alright.
There was a ward meeting held by some random lady in management who said questionable things that made everyone mad. She said beading and crafting in group was fine but not hair braiding because it was disrespectful and breaching the 1.5 metre Covid distancing rule despite the fact that we would still be the same distance apart and with the same level of engagement whichever activity we were doing. We also all had a sad-laugh at how she said it like it is, “the majority of you will come back in here again” - wow, way to instil faith in the program.
I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. Not much update except that my bloods are good. At this point in the day I had been doing well.
At breakfast I got rid of the egg yolks, a slice of toast and didn’t have butter. I got rid of 2/3 of each nut bar at morning tea, removed the bread rolls and egg yolks at lunch. Smeared peanut butter under the plate and hid 3 crackers at afternoon tea. Scooped away half the potato at dinner, raisins under the tongue at supper.
I came unstuck after supper. I went to raid the dining room but left too early so the nurse couldn’t find me on her category sightings. She was initially gentle but when she saw my bag full of cakes she hardened and went into scolding mode. I don’t want to talk too much about the things she said but they felt like an attack and a defence to her own reprimanding approach.
I cried all night. I don’t want to be here. I know ECT was helping me immensely even with the few treatments I’ve had but every time I get in trouble with a nurse I completely fall apart. It undoes all the good of ECT and I wish with all my heart that people would understand that even if being on the mood ward would be like the elephant in the room, it would still be more beneficial than being here, which is so damaging.
I get so anxious and distressed when I mess up. I know that we are literally here because we are going to mess up but I feel like I’m held to an impossible standard. It seems that my treating team (i.e. my psychiatrist and the nursing staff) expect me to be completely clean of all behaviours before they feel they can discharge me with a clear conscience. Otherwise, they will expect me to come back to this house of hell.
Oh yeah, and the patient discharged from her single room today but nursing staff obviously didn’t raise that I was first on the list and made some excuse to why they couldn’t give it to me. And yet for the other (white, older) woman, they kicked me out a day early. I hate the staff here.
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Meritable things:
- Went to all groups
- Didn’t do anything rash when I was upset at night
- Called to book a repair for my car
Things that made my day:
- Getting away with most of the hiding
- Being listened to by @yetanotheramy
One thing I am grateful for today:
My parents didn’t come to visit today.
'Life without hope is hopelessly difficult but at the end hope can so easily make fools of us all.'
-Henry Marsh.
25 year old med school graduate (undergrad: diagnostic radiography)
AN b/p
maybe/maybe not Christian
Height: 5'2" (157cm)
CW: 68lbs (30.8kg) BMI 12.5
SW: 121 lbs (55kg) BMI 22.7
Accountability (ED, studies and life)
Instagram, (send me a DM for the handle!)
Med Tumblr (my journal from medical imaging to medicine)
Recovery/positivity Tumblr (for a bit of a change in tack)
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