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Posted 06 July 2022 - 02:47 PM
tuesday 5th july
intake: estimated 1600
weight: probably fat fat fat fat
notes: refeeding is emotionally horrible. I feel out of control. i can’t talk to anyone about my feelings. i have to tell the physician what I’m eating for physical/gastro reasons and I’m scared they’ll judge me as too fat or greedy to have problems with stuff like nausea cos if i was really sick i wouldn’t be eating so much trash. can’t stop myself though. the pain is bearable right now but my hot water bottle scars are getting worse. might post pics so you guys understand what a visual nightmare my body is lol
song of the day: that’s the way love goes by janet jackson
intake: estimated 1600
weight: probably fat fat fat fat
notes: refeeding is emotionally horrible. I feel out of control. i can’t talk to anyone about my feelings. i have to tell the physician what I’m eating for physical/gastro reasons and I’m scared they’ll judge me as too fat or greedy to have problems with stuff like nausea cos if i was really sick i wouldn’t be eating so much trash. can’t stop myself though. the pain is bearable right now but my hot water bottle scars are getting worse. might post pics so you guys understand what a visual nightmare my body is lol
song of the day: that’s the way love goes by janet jackson
#170 
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#171
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Posted 06 July 2022 - 11:19 PM
wednesday 6th july
intake: 850
weight: 123.2 lbs
notes: had nice hangout with my mom. wrote 1000 words of a short story that ended up being very cathartic and meaningful. dragged it straight up outta my guts apparently. so i feel in control and happy about that. i got plans to get dressed tomo cos im seeing my psych irl. kinda wanna wear my size xs skirt from my lw which I (almost) fit into again, cos it’s a secret flex. but like. no one knows what size it is and maybe I’d rather be comfy lol
song of the day: perfect (exceeder) by mason & princess superstar
intake: 850
weight: 123.2 lbs
notes: had nice hangout with my mom. wrote 1000 words of a short story that ended up being very cathartic and meaningful. dragged it straight up outta my guts apparently. so i feel in control and happy about that. i got plans to get dressed tomo cos im seeing my psych irl. kinda wanna wear my size xs skirt from my lw which I (almost) fit into again, cos it’s a secret flex. but like. no one knows what size it is and maybe I’d rather be comfy lol
song of the day: perfect (exceeder) by mason & princess superstar
#172
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Posted Yesterday, 04:37 AM
thursday 7th july
intake: 1080
notes: screaming. my psychiatrist appointment fell through. I turned up irl but the doc wasn’t there, staff said it was actually a tele appointment. they were lying, I have the letter that says it’s face to face. got a bunch of calls from the doc to say sorry, i didn’t pick up, i was in the car anyway. ate 1 mozzarella stick and a whole mcflurry while I was out, risky for my tummy but i don’t care about anything anymore. I want my therapy, i hate him. I feel like if your patient has bpd you should make an effort to be consistent and concrete, and if you aren’t, u should take responsibility for that. and for anything ur patient goes thru as a direct result. such as me committing mass m*rder (not really but I feel angry <3 )
in more lighthearted news, today my mom looked at my phone to check something, and it was open on the very explicit erotica i was reading. once upon a time I wouldve been scarred for life by this experience but i’m honestly just so fucking glad she didn’t see MPA. just a beautifully detailed description of a blowie.
song of the day: cry me a river by julie london
intake: 1080
notes: screaming. my psychiatrist appointment fell through. I turned up irl but the doc wasn’t there, staff said it was actually a tele appointment. they were lying, I have the letter that says it’s face to face. got a bunch of calls from the doc to say sorry, i didn’t pick up, i was in the car anyway. ate 1 mozzarella stick and a whole mcflurry while I was out, risky for my tummy but i don’t care about anything anymore. I want my therapy, i hate him. I feel like if your patient has bpd you should make an effort to be consistent and concrete, and if you aren’t, u should take responsibility for that. and for anything ur patient goes thru as a direct result. such as me committing mass m*rder (not really but I feel angry <3 )
in more lighthearted news, today my mom looked at my phone to check something, and it was open on the very explicit erotica i was reading. once upon a time I wouldve been scarred for life by this experience but i’m honestly just so fucking glad she didn’t see MPA. just a beautifully detailed description of a blowie.
song of the day: cry me a river by julie london
#173
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Posted Yesterday, 09:55 AM
okay update. had a stunning experience with the doc. he DID take responsibility for the mess up, he was genuine, he sorted stuff for me within a matter of hours (instead of weeks like prev doctors). I‘d planned to be snappy with him but he was so respectful I don’t want to anymore!!? im grateful. I do feel upset about the wasted energy on such a difficult day, and the instability and confusion, but this has helped me process it better.
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#174
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Posted Today, 01:02 AM
friday 8th july
intake: 1460
weight: 122.6 lbs
notes: i‘ve plateaued for 2 weeks, soo either i’m counting cals wrong, retaining water, or I gained muscle (doubtful lol). i didn’t think i was underestimating calories - most of my food rn is pre-made packaged, and it’s hard to miscalculate since my portion is in a sealed container, but i must be missing SOMETHING. my average intake this week was 400 kcals below my tdee so i should still be losing. confusion.
also there is a heatwave and it is STIFLING. wowza. oh also also i wrote more of the thing that’s special to me. happy about it
song of the day: leanin by lil peep
intake: 1460
weight: 122.6 lbs
notes: i‘ve plateaued for 2 weeks, soo either i’m counting cals wrong, retaining water, or I gained muscle (doubtful lol). i didn’t think i was underestimating calories - most of my food rn is pre-made packaged, and it’s hard to miscalculate since my portion is in a sealed container, but i must be missing SOMETHING. my average intake this week was 400 kcals below my tdee so i should still be losing. confusion.
also there is a heatwave and it is STIFLING. wowza. oh also also i wrote more of the thing that’s special to me. happy about it
song of the day: leanin by lil peep
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