#4702 
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Posted 06 August 2017 - 04:04 PM
i'm just watching jen brett on youtube (tysm @pink.goat for the recommendation jen is rlly rad!!) and a part of one of her recent videos just felt so real n summed up some of my realisations lately so i wanted to share with u: https://youtu.be/mr_yfIU-1ZY?t=1m8s
the link should jump straight to the relevant bit ~~
Hazelw, on 06 Aug 2017 - 2:58 PM, said:
Ahh I'm so glad to hear you're doing so well recently! I don't always comment but always read your posts, sounds like you've had a lot of wins recently
xx
thank you so much, n yes i definitely have! xx
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#4703
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Posted 06 August 2017 - 11:36 PM
chocolatemilk, on 06 Aug 2017 - 4:04 PM, said:
i'm just watching jen brett on youtube (tysm @pink.goat for the recommendation jen is rlly rad!!) and a part of one of her recent videos just felt so real n summed up some of my realisations lately so i wanted to share with u: https://youtu.be/mr_yfIU-1ZY?t=1m8s
the link should jump straight to the relevant bit ~~
I just started watching Jen Brett recently too, she's great! This vid was such a good posi-talk too <3 You might like Gabrielle Bernstein's videos too if you ever need a mental boost. She's kind of like a tough East Coast hippie - I especially like the speech she gave at Wanderlust. You can find it on Youtube! (Doesn't revolve 100% around ED but still helps in finding that zen place when you get stuck in negative thought loops.) Hope you're having a great day!
#4704
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Posted 07 August 2017 - 12:03 AM
omg I'm sorry if this comes across as too nosy or whatever.. but throughout the weekend, something you said has actually been floating in mind haha, how all your good days lately has made you realise -- "i think i'd rather be happy n social n carefree than objectively thin but lonely and sad". I rly hope you don't mind me asking but why did you start restricting in the first place? I don't think this is something you've ever talked about and I'm so sorry I'm just rly curious tbh! You are always so inspiring bc you pretty much restricted rly well with only a few struggles here and there and rocked at maintenance and now you're smashing intuitive eating. I know hanging out with your friends and having so much fun brought about the realization that you'd rly rather be happy and healthy as compared to lonely and skinny but in the first place, why did you start? 
I think you had quite a lot of friends back then, I rmb you went out to the pub a few times at the beginning! aaah I rly hope this isn't coming off the wrong way. I know ED's are mostly about control, I guess I'm just wondering why you felt out of control when you started all this. anyways, feel free to ignore this like seriously my brain thinks of the weirdest things yikes :c
I hope you enjoy your next intuitive day, whenever it is! also, your teal hair sounds amazingggg, wishing you the best as always <3
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Posted 07 August 2017 - 02:56 AM
i'm rly glad you're feeling good still and you get to spend a week with your sister, i think you guys enjoy each other's company which is super rad c:
in regards to the uncounted day, maybe doing it when you see your friend - just the normal day - would be good, bc it kinda normalises it if that makes sense? like you don't need to do something extra or special for it to be an intuitive eating day, think a regular day might challenge the ed thoughts more than a big day you know? ♡ just a thought though, at the end of the day it's up to you ♡
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Posted 07 August 2017 - 12:33 PM
Cinderellinger, on 06 Aug 2017 - 11:36 PM, said:
I just started watching Jen Brett recently too, she's great! This vid was such a good posi-talk too <3 You might like Gabrielle Bernstein's videos too if you ever need a mental boost. She's kind of like a tough East Coast hippie - I especially like the speech she gave at Wanderlust. You can find it on Youtube! (Doesn't revolve 100% around ED but still helps in finding that zen place when you get stuck in negative thought loops.) Hope you're having a great day!
yeah shes so fab!! ooo thank u for the recommendation i'll definitely check her out 
thank u , n you too ♡
seaweed~` , on 07 Aug 2017 - 12:03 AM, said:
omg I'm sorry if this comes across as too nosy or whatever.. but throughout the weekend, something you said has actually been floating in mind haha, how all your good days lately has made you realise -- "i think i'd rather be happy n social n carefree than objectively thin but lonely and sad". I rly hope you don't mind me asking but why did you start restricting in the first place? I don't think this is something you've ever talked about and I'm so sorry I'm just rly curious tbh! You are always so inspiring bc you pretty much restricted rly well with only a few struggles here and there and rocked at maintenance and now you're smashing intuitive eating. I know hanging out with your friends and having so much fun brought about the realization that you'd rly rather be happy and healthy as compared to lonely and skinny but in the first place, why did you start?
I hope you enjoy your next intuitive day, whenever it is! also, your teal hair sounds amazingggg, wishing you the best as always <3
ahh no its not nosy at all!! i read ur reply this morning and have been thinking about it all day but i dont really have an interesting or insightful answer for u tbh, i haven't been through any trauma or particularly hard times or anything but i think various aspects of my personality have made me susceptible to ED (low self esteem, depressive, control freak, obsessive) so i kinda just developed an ED without it being my conscious choice or anything, though it mightve felt like a choice to start restricting in first place i dont think i rlly chose this. it started bc i moved to uni so was a big change - moving away from home for the first time n also to a big city when i've never lived in a city n was just such a giant change i think i developed ED as a means to stay "in control" as is often the case for AN-R
that being said i did recently write some posts about not being sure whether i have some kinda underlying other problem bc i think ive been pretty sad for a lot of my life since puberty, n have had super low sense of self worth for as long as i can remember like i've always just thought i was worse/below other ppl so that also feeds into ED bc i feel like i gotta prove something, n ive had other bad coping methods in the past like self harm n another thing im too ashamed to even tell anyone about (sorry its so annoying that i put that bc it just heightens nosiness but i dont wanna say it on this thread so if u rlly wanna know my other weird coping mechanism u can pm me c': )
n tbh i didnt have many friends when it first developed as i'd just moved to uni n didn't get on huuugely well with my flatmates so had to try find my own friends through a society who i luckily then ended up moving in with for second yr, but when i met them the ED thing had already begun haha <3 rlly just think it was my brains reaction of moving to uni n stuff n it then developed into this big thing i couldnt control smh ♡
astronaute, on 07 Aug 2017 - 02:56 AM, said:
i'm rly glad you're feeling good still and you get to spend a week with your sister, i think you guys enjoy each other's company which is super rad c:
in regards to the uncounted day, maybe doing it when you see your friend - just the normal day - would be good, bc it kinda normalises it if that makes sense? like you don't need to do something extra or special for it to be an intuitive eating day, think a regular day might challenge the ed thoughts more than a big day you know? ♡ just a thought though, at the end of the day it's up to you ♡
thank u kels ♡
yeah the first uncounted day i did was a completely normal day with completely normal meals for that reason c: tomorrows plans have changed that im still meeting my friend for a lil bit but am now also working evening shift but i might still try an uncounted day n can always take something to work with me depending on what i end up eating in town so that its not too much of a full-on challenging day, like there's plenty of opportunity for me to get food at work another day i could just take something tomorrow (but also bc unplanned shift i dont have much in to take so maybe i could go for a ~safer~ lunch n still do work food?) idk idk, i haven't decided yet haha ♡
Chaola, on 07 Aug 2017 - 05:29 AM, said:
Little bit late but I'm so happy that you had a good social intuitive eating day
food looked delicious! Congrats for letting your ED voice shut up
And your hair looks fab btw!
I'm sure the time with your sis will be nice xxx
thank you chao!! ♡♡
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Posted 07 August 2017 - 01:05 PM
brekkie was chocolate protein pancakes stacked with chopped nana n topped w coconut choc shot (325)
lunch @ work was the same pasta as last night (but w/o the chicken bc #meatfreemonday) (379) i used the microwave at work so ate it warm with the cheese all melted n yum
snacked on this almond apricot n yoghurt bar (156)
dins was veggie burgers with bbq sauce, potato smiles n broccoli (404)
finally opened this 300g milka oreo bar ive had in my drawer for like half a year ~ had one row (185)
+ a blueberry yoghurt (84) bc i was still hungry so was gonna have another piece of choc but figured something more filling made more sense
total: 1539
6 hour shift
today i spontaneously deleted the fitbit app so i wouldnt be tempted to keep checking up on my tdee!!!! i may re-download it when i go back to uni in september but think for now with work n whatnot im just gonna stick to my 1400-1600 thing
hair update:
its probs a bit more green irl it doesnt look as magical on camera tbh
my coworker got a call at work today that his uncle has randomly had a heart attack n died so he went home from work n i ofc agreed when asked to cover his shift tomorrow so he could have a day off bc what the heck thats such a crappy thing to happen, so im not having a day off tomorrow after all but is only evening shift so i'm still gonna see my friend just for a lil bit in the day c:
before that i was planning on doing my next uncounted/intuitive day tomorrow seeing my friend n now that i'm also working i'm not sure whether to do it but also the fact that i had pretty much decided makes me think i could still do it bc im kinda just using this as an excuse not to? tbh it does make sense to do an intuitive day tomorrow bc it means i dont have to worry as much about fitting food into the day like if i see something to take for work dinner in town i'll buy it or if i have time to put something together from my cupboard/freezer (i ran out of stuff for my work pittas cry, need a food shop) then i'll do it but if i don't have time or can't find anything i don't need to worry bc i could get something at work, so tbh its the perfect day to try do intuitive eating but im lowkey nervous i think just bc of the change of plan tbh, changes of plan suck
nah, i think im still gonna make it my intuitive/uncounted day bc tbh even if im not feeling it theres still safe things i can have like in town for lunch theres unlimited options and there is always my protein porridge pots i can always take to work, so really cant think of a valid reason not to do it tomorrow. rlly wanna stay on top of this thing bc i think the more often i do it the easier it'll be ! so yeah, uncounted day is go
edit: i just now remembered tuesday is the one day chefs have off at my work so food isnt even on so i have no choice but to take my own dinner so yeah thats fine
aaand i think that's all from me tbh
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Posted 07 August 2017 - 06:45 PM
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Posted 07 August 2017 - 06:58 PM
+ your hair is so cute I love it! Good luck with the intuitive eating day, I think it's a good idea to do it even if you have to work/ plans changed cos that's more of a challenge in itself. Also glad that u deleted the Fitbit app as it seemed to effect u negatively (whereas it's the opposite for me lol) def worth deleting if it causes u stress!Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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Posted 07 August 2017 - 09:13 PM
chocolatemilk, on 06 Aug 2017 - 2:25 PM, said:
[sunday, 6th august]
really doesn't feel like a sunday when u work weekends haha
breakfast was peanut banana porridge (345) my mum gave me some peanut flour aw, so this was made with peanut flour n mashed banana although i had the thought that it looks like cat sick n now i cant unsee it as cat sick
lunch @ work was a teriyaki tuna n veggie wrap (281)
also at work had a mini bag of haribo (55) bc chef bought me it so we could open the till haha
post-work snack was soreen with pb n cherry jam (195)
dinner was tricolour mushroom tomato pasta with a lil chicken, spinach n topped with cheese ofc (408)
post-dinner (slightly squished) max cacao snickers <3333 (246) this was perf i really craved it
total: 1535
~ 6 hour day shift
i was gonna be <1500 but yolo, wasn't gonna turn down free haribo tbh
my mum has left for spain on hols today so she's gone for two weeks now, so it's just me n dad n sister will be back on tuesday, then next sunday my dad is going to spain so will just be me n my sis for a week n then my mum comes back the following week but dad stays so will be me, sis n mum c': we have an apartment in spain so they go without fail every summer n other times in the year too, i never go at this time of year though bc its too hot n i hate it (plus i earn money at home) so usually i have the house to myself a bit but this time my sister isnt bothered either so will be a week of just me n her which will be fun i think!!
i've dyed my hair back to my fav hair colour teal n it looks so much better, tried a new dye (manic panic enchanted forest) and its gone a rlly nice petrol blue <3 teal hair is my fav i love it sm but always fades back to my usual turquoise pretty fast haha bc im too lazy to stay on top of it
i wanna do another intuitive eating day next week but can't decide which day - i have a day off on tuesday n have planned to see my friend but with this friend food is never a big focus of the day like we often just go for coffees (last time i saw her we just grabbed bagels for lunch if u remember idk) but i might still do an uncounted day just bc why not? but i also kinda wanna try one on a work day n buy food at work?? n it also makes sense to do friday so i could have lunch with my dad n grandma?? so theres multiple options
tbh i might just do one on tuesday then could do another one another day like there's no reason i can't do it more than once in a week if i'm feeling up for it which i think i am
ive had this recurring thought recently of trying to do completely uncounted freshers week but might be a bit too much too soon, but definitely might do something like not count spirits or something so i can drink, idk idk haha, its in the second half of september so who knows i might actually go for it if i keep doing well
either way still feeling positive n stuff, feels like im always working atm n dont have much time to overthink at work so it helps keep me in a good mindset i think, especially if i make plans for my days off too
i hope u guys are well c:
Everything looks delicious!
Do you mind sharing the pasta recipe? x
#4715
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Posted 07 August 2017 - 10:12 PM
your hair looks truly magical! you're such a beautiful girl <3
and ofc, your foods also look yummy as always those pancakes must have been heavenly!
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Posted 08 August 2017 - 04:25 AM
I'm at a "normal" bmi (21) but I struggle immensely with the feelings/ thoughts, etc and I relate to some of the things you describe in your posts. It's frustrating bc I literally look normal.. and still, I have the same brain I did at a 13 bmi so it's kinda disheartening. I'm rambling now, sorry lol I just love your posts and find some sort of comfort in them idk? I just relate sometimes and your food pics are top notch 
sorry I don't think I've commented here... Or much at all really, I just spam the 'post pics of your meals' thread sometimes when I have a load of food pics to share or my millionth but current accountability (the one in my signature) which is pretty boring bc I really never have anything to say bc jumbled thoughts in my head, u know what I mean? Idk just wanted to say hi and I also follow ya on instagram 
girl you should make YouTube videos! If you want of course haha no pressure at all, I just get a vibe that you'd be really good at them like recipes maybe or vlogs and stuff. Anyway, I hope you're havin a nice day!!Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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Posted 08 August 2017 - 07:40 AM
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Posted 08 August 2017 - 08:18 AM
omg so many replies!! gonna pop em in a spoiler just for neatness
killir, on 07 Aug 2017 - 5:30 PM, said:
yay I hope tmw is super rad for you ♡♡♡♡
thank you! its been an alright day but so so rainy which sucks ♡
coffee.cake, on 07 Aug 2017 - 6:45 PM, said:
good luck with your intuitive day !!! you've been killing it lately with the not counting calories, less ed thoughts, and positivity // happiness c:
thank u so much, im rlly trying c:
peanutbutter., on 07 Aug 2017 - 6:58 PM, said:
Commented on ur insta but those pancakes just look so fucking good omg
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thanks!! tbh they looked better than they taste haha im not the hugest fan of protein pancakes but theyre a fun change from oats
n thank u c: yeah that's what i figured too!! tbh today is going really well i feel like i haven't thought about food half as much as i usually would've, haven't ended up doing any big challenging food thing or anything but haven't been overthinking it like usual so definitely another success (if im still doing well by the end of the day ofc but i have work so don't see how it could go wrong)
n thanks yeah i think its just started to affect me negatively now i have work bc its so disheartening being on your feet for hours n hours then checking n its predicted some super low tdee lmao, i might redownload it after summer maybe
♡ ♡
fruitpassion, on 07 Aug 2017 - 7:44 PM, said:
dang!! those pancakes look lit! omggg. and your hair turned out beautifully!!
thank u!!
HungryBunny, on 07 Aug 2017 - 9:09 PM, said:
What mix do you use for your choc protein pancakes? Also what brand is your chocolate syrup <3 sorry I really want to make this it looks so good
i use theproteinworks diet protein pancake mix: https://www.theprote...rotein-pancakes
and the sauce is coconut choc shot: http://www.sweetfree...-shot-coconut/
♡
MissBabyJane, on 07 Aug 2017 - 9:13 PM, said:
Everything looks delicious!
Do you mind sharing the pasta recipe? x
thank u!!
it was just this;
i just use jar pasta sauce haha 
Cage for Hearts, on 07 Aug 2017 - 10:12 PM, said:
your hair looks truly magical! you're such a beautiful girl <3
and ofc, your foods also look yummy as always
thank u so much aw ♡
parasitebrain, on 08 Aug 2017 - 04:25 AM, said:
I just read through a ton of pages on your accountability and you really are incredible and I love your food pics and reading your posts! I'm in a sort of similar place w wanting to be able to eat more freely and do life things and not overthink the food. And just yesterday I did a thing! I ate a vegan pizza all to myself and I had no idea of the calories bc it was at a restaurant. And if I had to guess, it was prob 900 lol and then I ate a cookie later and had all my "normal" foods I wanted. Even had some nondairy Ben and jerrys too, the pb and cookies flavor which is soo yum! Just wanted to share this with you
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aw wow thank u so much! ♡ it's cool youre in a similar place, its kinda like a weird limbo but i think its definitely a good sign to wanna let go of ED a bit n i really hope u get there, sounds like u did amazingly the other day with the pizza n ice cream omg well done!! & please dont feel any invalidation for being at a healthy bmi bc as im sure u know bmi does not equate to how much ur mentally struggling, i dont think my ED is any more valid now im underweight than it was when i was a normal weight bc its still mentally the same toll rlly
thank u n i remember you from ppoym c:
& aw thanks so much i have legit always wanted to try making youtube vids but have been too self conscious!! but that really means a lot i might actually give it a go at some point c':
♡ ♡ hope ur having a good day too!!
Poison Pixie 666, on 08 Aug 2017 - 07:40 AM, said:
Omg! I need to know how to make those protein pancakes! They look soooo good! I just usually buy the little ones in packets but they r so calorific and not very nutritious? So jel of ur teal hair it's my fave colour. I'm thinking of going purple and teal. Oh and how do u get nice full size pics when u post hun? All I seem to make r shitty thumbnail pics?!
i just used a mix!! i linked it in my reply to hungrybunny above these ones are super high protein but tbh aren't super tasty - a bit bland but i add cocoa powder to make them a bit more chocolatey haha
aw thank u c: n you should totally do it that would look so nice!! & i resize my pics to 600px width and upload them with web mpa haha its a bit of a pain but i like it to look neat c':
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Posted 08 August 2017 - 11:37 AM
chocolatemilk, on 08 Aug 2017 - 08:18 AM, said:
omg so many replies!! gonna pop em in a spoiler just for neatness
Spoiler
thank you! its been an alright day but so so rainy which sucks ♡
thank u so much, im rlly trying c:
thanks!! tbh they looked better than they taste haha im not the hugest fan of protein pancakes
n thank u c: yeah that's what i figured too!! tbh today is going really well i feel like i haven't thought about food half as much as i usually would've, haven't ended up doing any big challenging food thing or anything but haven't been overthinking it like usual so definitely another success (if im still doing well by the end of the day ofc but i have work so don't see how it could go wrong)
n thanks yeah i think its just started to affect me negatively now i have work bc its so disheartening being on your feet for hours n hours then checking n its predicted some super low tdee lmao, i might redownload it after summer maybe
♡ ♡
thank u!!
i use theproteinworks diet protein pancake mix: https://www.theprote...rotein-pancakes
and the sauce is coconut choc shot: http://www.sweetfree...-shot-coconut/
♡
thank u!!
it was just this;
i just use jar pasta sauce haha
thank u so much aw ♡
aw wow thank u so much! ♡ it's cool youre in a similar place, its kinda like a weird limbo but i think its definitely a good sign to wanna let go of ED a bit n i really hope u get there, sounds like u did amazingly the other day with the pizza n ice cream omg well done!! & please dont feel any invalidation for being at a healthy bmi bc as im sure u know bmi does not equate to how much ur mentally struggling, i dont think my ED is any more valid now im underweight than it was when i was a normal weight bc its still mentally the same toll rlly
thank u n i remember you from ppoym c:
& aw thanks so much i have legit always wanted to try making youtube vids but have been too self conscious!! but that really means a lot i might actually give it a go at some point c':
♡ ♡ hope ur having a good day too!!
i just used a mix!! i linked it in my reply to hungrybunny above
aw thank u c: n you should totally do it that would look so nice!! & i resize my pics to 600px width and upload them with web mpa haha its a bit of a pain but i like it to look neat c':
Oh, thanks! You're gold. xx
#4720
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Posted 08 August 2017 - 11:50 AM
Such a beautiful accountability thread. Also your food pics are so adorable and I am pretty jealous of all that you eat. My intake seems so boring in comparison
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Posted 08 August 2017 - 02:16 PM
Just a question if you dont mind, how many calories are in that serving of potato smiles?
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Posted 08 August 2017 - 03:22 PM
SereneSleep, on 08 Aug 2017 - 11:50 AM, said:
Such a beautiful accountability thread. Also your food pics are so adorable and I am pretty jealous of all that you eat. My intake seems so boring in comparison
thank u !! aw i hope you can work some more variety into ur intake if thats what u want
Skynny23, on 08 Aug 2017 - 2:16 PM, said:
Just a question if you dont mind, how many calories are in that serving of potato smiles?
it was 198
#4723
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Posted 08 August 2017 - 04:48 PM
[tuesday, 8th august]third uncounted/intuitive eating day = success!! i had a lot to say about it but now ive just stayed up chatting to my sis as she's just got back home tonight from camping so i'm just gonna summarise that the main reason it was a success is that i'm happy n also im physically satisfied without being too full so yeah c: gonna try make this a quick update as i wanna sleeeeep
i kinda grazed a lot so theres several things unpictured but i'll list it all between pics bc i like posting things in the order i ate it lol
breakfast was curiously cinnamon cereal with frozen bloobs, a couple marshmallows n almond milk
unpictured caffe nero soya cappuccino
lunch was pret eggs florentine toasted tortilla
bus snack was lil cocoa orange oat bar
pre-work snack on pinto bean n pea sticks, i had a bit more than pictured (maybe like half of this again?) bc they were so moreish, also unpictured chocolate digestive
then proper dinner didnt rlly happen as i kinda continued to graze at work ~
strawberry n cream protein bar, been wanting to try this bar for a while n it was yum c:
two slices of mexican pizza, my supervisor cooked it for himself n offered me some n ive always wanted to try this pizza from work so was a good chance to!! + 4 unpictured rich tea biscuits (probably the only thing today that did feel a bit outta control ngl but theyre only rich tea biscuits so like ~40 cals each so its nbd)
then once i got home 2 chocolate digestives n just now in the middle of the night a lil bit of milka oreo with my sis
100% sure overall i've eaten a bit more than normal but that's okay for the following reasons:
- i haven't binged
- i've been on the go literally all day, my phone picked up 10k steps but as ive said a billion times i think it can underestimate my work activity
- i feel like this style of grazing is really similar to how i ate pre-ED, the rigid meal routine thing is a habit i developed with my ED
- i haven't thought about food as much as usual today or worried about it
- i'm going to bed feeling satisfied rather than often i go to bed a bit hungry after getting back from work ngl
- i'm happy with it so who cares
and also!!! ive already said n trying to accept that i think if im successful with intuitive eating it'd probably mean eating more than usual bc i don't think my body is happy at the weight i've been maintaining
i'm so bad with feeling like i gotta justify everything hahaha sorry
but yeah for the majority of the day the ED stuff didn't take up a great deal of my headspace compared to usual so i'd say today has gone really well, work was quite quiet which i think led to my snacking out of boredom but i don't think i overdid it, i mean sure it seems like a lot on mpa but in comparison to a normie or my own pre-ED days im trying to tell myself its alright
this is such a rambly post bc i had it all nicely planned out but then have just been chatting to my sister for the past hour (telling her about my recent recovery wins n she says she's proud aw) n now i rlly want my bed haha, working the day shift tomorrow and as i predicted ive been asked to work saturday so now i don't have a day off this week!! by the time i get my next day off i'll have worked 11 consecutive days haha. work is my second home at this point
goodnight n seeya tomorrow <3
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Posted 08 August 2017 - 06:45 PM
well done emma so proud of u pal and i used to live off rich teas they're like the best low cal biscuit i stg haha, also if you're normally hungry going to bed u probs are eating under TDEE for those days? well done again babe <3
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#4725
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Posted 08 August 2017 - 09:14 PM
You're working so much Emma! Take care of yourself, make sure you stay hydrated and are getting enough rest. <3 You're gonna make beaucoup monies after all of this work, what are you gonna treat yourself to??
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Posted 09 August 2017 - 01:35 AM
Third intuitive eating day omg, you are KILLING IT! ♥
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Posted 09 August 2017 - 02:41 AM
rich teas are my fkn faavvs omg ♡
anyway. you know this already but i'm going to say it again - I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!! you're seriously killing the game rn, and it's so wonderful to see.
please don't worry about justifying things, you don't owe anyone any explanation. it's okay to eat just because you wanted to, or because you fancied the extra biscuit or something. mpa creates this sort of distortionist world where half an apple = binge, out of control etc, but from anyone else's point of view - take your sister, for example - that would have literally 0 effect on anything and be forgotten in the next minute.
you're doing super well. don't let the ed thoughts sneak their way back in bc they're v manipulative and subtle, most of the time you don't realise they're there.
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Posted 09 August 2017 - 12:11 PM
great job on that intuitive eating day! I hope you can soon eat without worrying about anything because I'm sure it's truly amazing c: so proud of you!!! <3
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Posted 09 August 2017 - 01:17 PM
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Posted 09 August 2017 - 02:53 PM
hi guys, thanks for the lovely comments n will reply shortly!
i've had a kinda insatiable hunger today n it's been pretty damn worrying tbh but also lead me to think more n more about recovery n junk so yeah probs ramble about it down below but first some pics ~
breakfast was banana cacao porridge with a blob of banana pb2 (355)
lunch @ work was a tuna, cheese n spinach pitta (315) which i toasted in the george foreman at work, was yum
+ also at work unpictured rich tea biscuit (38) a few curly fries (50?)
snacked on almond apricot yoghurt bar (156)
dinner was gnocchi with tomato n mushroom sauce, mushrooms, spinach, chicken n cheese (423) this was late after getting back from food shop hence sucky lighting
n didn't photograph post-dinner but 6 squares of milka oreo (278) + 2 strawbs sweets (52)
aka way more than planned whoops, i'd just planned 4 squares of choc
total: 1670
so i ate more than planned bc as i mentioned ive had this insatiable hunger n felt like a bottomless pit, couldve easily eaten more but i didn't allow myself. i feel like bc of the two intuitive eating days i had where i ate considerably more than usual ive awakened this hunger in myself n made my body realise how hungry it actually is on my usual intake if that makes any sense at all haha, idk if that's what it is but it's what it feels like - like the intuitive eating days have been taunting my body n now it's like confused n wants more
good thing / realisation ive had is that i feel like the intuitive eating days have sorta helped cured my fear of binging? bc i now know i could actually eat more without binging, like today i had the 2 extra squares of choc n sweets but i knew it wouldn't cause a binge so it was okay, i think its since ive made mental peace with potentially gaining weight that the idea of eating above my tdee isnt as panic inducing so that's cool
from everything ive read n understood about recovery i feel like nobody ever truly feels 100% ready n i definitely don't bc it's still terrifying but i also feel more ready than i ever have n i feel like maybe this is as ready as i'm gonna feel so part of my brain kinda wants to take the leap of faith to try officially announce that im recovering, lol
the other part wants to keep to going slow and steadily keep making progress at a slow pace. so yeah im a bit confused atm ngl!! but really wanna thank everyone for all the amazing support ive had on this thread bc i dont think i'd have gotten to this point without everyones encouragement !!
one thing i think i have decided is i think i wanna start a new thread?? maybe not today or this week but most likely before i go back to uni in like a months time, maybe sooner
i love this thread so much of course!! but i feel like bc ive documented my whole weightloss journey n been so so consistent n stuff for so long on this thread that still posting here is keeping a tie to all of that obsessive stuff, and it might actually do me good to cut that tie
i'd like to start a new thread with no kinda rules or restrictions to what i can post/how often i post n what i have to include. imo accountability threads are generally for ppl to stay accountable n therefore encouraged to be consistent with restriction n whatnot which it did help me with in the start but now ive gotten to the point where i don't need to do that n it's probably damaging to do that bc i could probably do with being less consistent n more spontaneous
but either way i'd still love a thread to ramble on/chat to ppl n post good food porn
this is so weird all of this haha it feels so weird to be thinking recovery thoughts, really think taking the leap of intuitive/uncounted days has mentally done me the world of good n i'm really glad i took the plunge tbh bc it was basically dipping my toe in to recovery waters n has kinda helped confirm its pretty much what i want atm despite a massive part of my brain still screaming no at me even as i type this, lol
im learning to listen to the other part of my brain instead
in other news: tonight me n my sister exchanged half birthday presents n she got me the most adorable rilakkuma bowls omg!! some cute hello kitty tupperware n some silly joke things i got her stuff to take to uni as she starts in september - a desk organiser, cute notepad, post-its, candles for her uni room etc, all cactus themed bc shes into cactuses atm haha
also im going on a staff night out on saturday after work lmao!! really looking forward to it ngl n already kinda have a game plan for booze, but either way i just agreed w/o a second thought bc knew my ED thoughts would try make me say no n get out of it but im sick of missing out on stuff lol
sorry for super long post !
<3
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Posted 09 August 2017 - 03:11 PM
peanutbutter., on 08 Aug 2017 - 6:45 PM, said:
well done emma so proud of u pal
thank you!! n i hadn't had one for so long but theyre just as tasty n moreish as i remembered haha i couldnt resist another one today >.<
n yeah i do think i eat under my tdee on days i work evenings bc it can be really tiring, evening shifts mean lots of ppl eating so im taking meals out n clearing tables as well as bar stuff, and all the cleaning at the end of the night so i feel like its more tiring than daytime shift n often go to bed feeling like i could defo eat more <3
Cinderellinger, on 08 Aug 2017 - 9:14 PM, said:
You're working so much Emma! Take care of yourself, make sure you stay hydrated and are getting enough rest. <3 You're gonna make beaucoup monies after all of this work, what are you gonna treat yourself to??
aw thank u, i suck at staying hydrated tbh need to keep on with that!! n tbh the main reason i'm working so much atm is so i don't have to work in term time whilst i'm at uni, so i'm not really spending it on anything rn but just saving and will thank myself when im back at uni n can do nice things c: but also sure a good chunk of it will go on gig tickets hahaha
voiceless, on 09 Aug 2017 - 12:08 AM, said:
Following
thank u! although its a bit of a mess in here atm as idrk what i'm doing c':
fruitpassion, on 09 Aug 2017 - 01:35 AM, said:
Third intuitive eating day omg, you are KILLING IT! ♥
thank u so much!!
astronaute, on 09 Aug 2017 - 02:41 AM, said:
rich teas are my fkn faavvs omg ♡
anyway. you know this already but i'm going to say it again - I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!! you're seriously killing the game rn, and it's so wonderful to see.
please don't worry about justifying things, you don't owe anyone any explanation. it's okay to eat just because you wanted to, or because you fancied the extra biscuit or something. mpa creates this sort of distortionist world where half an apple = binge, out of control etc, but from anyone else's point of view - take your sister, for example - that would have literally 0 effect on anything and be forgotten in the next minute.
you're doing super well. don't let the ed thoughts sneak their way back in bc they're v manipulative and subtle, most of the time you don't realise they're there.
omg yes they're so nice!
n thank u so much kels <3 <3
aмυмυ, on 09 Aug 2017 - 12:11 PM, said:
great job on that intuitive eating day! I hope you can soon eat without worrying about anything because I'm sure it's truly amazing c: so proud of you!!! <3
thank u so much lovely <3 i wish the same for u!!!
coffee.cake, on 09 Aug 2017 - 1:17 PM, said:
ahh u did a wonderful job on the intuitive day !!! and honestly, if other "proanas" think you're eating too much, they can go fuck off bc u should be able to eat what you want and make yourself happy c:
thank you!! c:
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Posted 09 August 2017 - 03:16 PM
i think a new thread would be a nice idea ! every once in a while new people will come on here and assume that you're still trying to lose weight which could be kind of triggering for you in a way :/ a new thread could clear all of that up
& i'm so glad that you're leaning towards recovery !! you got this dude <33
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Posted 09 August 2017 - 03:24 PM
autumnmournings, on 09 Aug 2017 - 3:16 PM, said:
i think a new thread would be a nice idea ! every once in a while new people will come on here and assume that you're still trying to lose weight which could be kind of triggering for you in a way :/ a new thread could clear all of that up
& i'm so glad that you're leaning towards recovery !! you got this dude <33
yeah that was another reason behind it really!! like ppl start reading this thread from the beginning n commenting n its just like... you're in for a surprise haha c': a new thread would have a very different intro to this one i think
n thank u so much <3
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Posted 09 August 2017 - 03:39 PM
Super happy for you to start out this new chapter in life, you got this!
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Posted 10 August 2017 - 03:26 AM
hey! i don't post much on here but i read your updates every day and i just want to say that i think starting a new thread that's less rigid/obsessive sounds like such a good idea! it's honestly so good to hear you're seriously thinking about recovery, i'm so proud of you aah you've got this! c: <33
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Posted 10 August 2017 - 12:12 PM
Inthewoods, on 09 Aug 2017 - 3:39 PM, said:
Omg your avatar
Super happy for you to start out this new chapter in life, you got this!
thank u !! c:
whale., on 10 Aug 2017 - 03:26 AM, said:
hey! i don't post much on here but i read your updates every day and i just want to say that i think starting a new thread that's less rigid/obsessive sounds like such a good idea! it's honestly so good to hear you're seriously thinking about recovery, i'm so proud of you aah you've got this! c: <33
aw thank u so much !! <3
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Posted 10 August 2017 - 12:21 PM
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Posted 10 August 2017 - 01:51 PM
Poison Pixie 666, on 10 Aug 2017 - 12:21 PM, said:
Ur latest post made me cry......in a really good way. I'm stoked for u and I think ur totally making the right choice. Particularly in regard to changing to a more chilled approach on MPA, rather than a stressful accountability. I know from experience that you will do a lot better at uni, if ur eating better too hun. I sooooo nearly fucked my masters at a low bmi. Brain fog was awful, I had real problems retaining information, all I could think about was food and spent too much time exercising obsessively instead of studying. I really think u can recover without binging or becoming remotely overweight. Ur life will be sooo much better if u can let ur ed go (mine was). I wish u the very best of luck, happiness and success. I think ur truly amazing and continue to give hope to so many here on MPA (myself included). Xxxxxxx❤❤❤
awww pixie!!
thank u so much c: your support has been so great, rlly thank you <3
and i do totally agree with uni, i found the eating stuff has taken up far too much of my headspace so the idea that i could free up some of that space to focus on other things (like uni) would be really amazing n make things a lot easier i think , n yeah i also prioritised gym n stuff x_x
thank u that really means so much, n i really hope u can get back to an amazing more free from ED place too, you don't deserve this crap (neither of us do!!) xxx
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Posted 10 August 2017 - 02:17 PM
i didn't have the same endless hunger today so it must've just been random yesterday which i'm quite relieved about tbh, yesterday made me quite nervous ngl like i was already googling extreme hunger and reactive eating hahaha, luckily today was just back to my usual levels of hunger
delicious brekkie was raspberry vanilla marshmallow overnight oats (332) put mini marshmallows in ur overnight oats guys, they absorb liquid to go all soft n its so good
food i took to work ~ turkey n cheese sandwich (265) fudge bar (114) graze "veggie protein power" (131)
post-work snacked on a blueberry greek yoghurt (84) bc i was hungry after biking home
dinner was a vegetarian butternut squash, spinach n feta lasagna meal with some extra spinach (393)
bought some maltesers from the shop at work bc theyre my fav n i havent had them in a while (238)
total: 1565
biked to/from work, 6 hour shift
i'm still doing good! i just did a tefl assignment bc i really **need** to get back on top of it as my online course expires at the end of the month n i'll be really mad at myself if i gotta pay to extend it, so gonna get on with that n aim for atleast an assignment a day tbh like i'd love to smash it out in the next two weeks if possible and i think/hope that's doable
i'm doing the evening shift tomorrow so i actually have some time to chill out before my next shift which is cool lmao. i've also got my sister a job until the end of high season, it's her first job n she's gonna be working with me tomorrow n i'm lowkey regretting putting her name forward tbh bc she kinda keeps messing them around - first with the camping trip and now she hasn't told them the right availability n stuff n i just feel like i've caused all this hassle by putting her name forward when she doesnt seem to be bothered or taking it seriously, oh well
so long as they don't cut my hours it's all cool lol, if she steals my shifts i will be mad bc i want money
then working again saturday eve n as i briefly mentioned in yesterdays rushed lil update i'm going on a staff night out after work lol!! my current plan is subject to change but i'm thinking of sticking to the lower end of my intake range (1400) n then just not counting alcohol? bc i'm sure with a busy saturday night shift followed by a night out of dancing n whatnot my tdee should be significantly higher than 1400, and i wanna have a good time w/o worrying too much about the liquid cals so it seems like a good way to do that i hope. i've already also thought that if post-night out drunk food ends up happening i could log it as sundays breakfast bc i think that'd make it easier to deal with
but yeah that is still subject to change but just initial plan
hope y'all are well!! n i'm thinking i wanna make a new thread quite soon but i can't be bothered tonight haha, i will ofc let you guys know when i make it
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Posted 10 August 2017 - 03:50 PM
i feel like the bad days i've had have really switched this flip in my head towards recovery because i just dont want to feel that bad or make my family angry or sad or live my life consumed by these thoughts when i should be having fun and i feel like my ED made me lose all hope and think that i was destined to be miserable n have a crappy life n stuff but these recent recovery thoughts have kinda filled me with this new sense of hope and like, a way out
i also feel like maybe i gotta consciously allow myself to increase my intake now bc im not gonna lie, some days (especially recently with work) i go to bed thinking i could definitely eat more but don't allow myself to and i know it's ED thoughts making me not let myself rather than just genuinely not wanting more, so by resisting and just going to bed i'm letting ED win in a small little way
at the end of the day right now i am feeling genuine hunger, there is a small snack i know i can have n make my sleep easier so i don't go to bed feeling peckish and the one thing that's holding me back from eating it is this thread and the fact i've already posted my intake (in the past i've been held back by the fear of binging but i now know from experience that it won't cause a crazy late night binge)
i think this is why i need a new thread
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Posted 10 August 2017 - 10:41 PM
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Posted 11 August 2017 - 02:55 AM
coffee.cake, on 10 Aug 2017 - 10:41 PM, said:
i think a new thread would kinda be a way for u to start over - like it won't be a weight loss thread anymore but a thread for recovery // ed positivity and u won't have to feel like u can't eat something just bc u wouldn't before. i hope everything works out in the end, u deserve the best emma !!
thank you n yeah i agree!! <3
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Posted 11 August 2017 - 07:53 AM
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current weight: no clue
highest weight: 110.4 lbs (bmi 19.6) - forced weight restoration - February 2017
lowest weight at this height: 84lbs (bmi: 14.9) - September 2016
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Posted 11 August 2017 - 08:02 AM
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💜 My accountability 💜
https://www.myproana.../#entry71743143
Stats: 5"4
HW: 165
LW: 106.4
CW: see accountability
GW: 90
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Posted 11 August 2017 - 12:02 PM
new thread sounds like such a good idea! you mentioned people coming in here and reading the first few pages and commenting about weightloss even though the thread and you have changed so much since then and i think it'd definitely help ward off those comments. i guess there still might be a few ~ana butterflies~ but fuck em, you fully deserve to be able to share your pictures, thoughts and recovery (? i don't wanna blatantly roll in here screaming RECOVERY but i can't think of anything in place of it, but what i mean is prioritizing your life and happiness over ED) and talk to people on here even though your goal isn't ~lose 80 pounds in a week~ or like other accountabilities here. i think too many people on this site think it's inclusive for all those wanting to lose weight and don't understand the various stages of eating disorders really (especially the AN forum holy fuck. the BN forum is so much better haha)
something that might help w/ the pressure of having to update here/allowing yourself more at nighttimes is to update and post pics the morning after the day's done! i do that and it takes the edge off, being super hungry stops me from sleeping so i often wanna grab another snack but since i've already posted on ppoym/accountability 50% of the time i don't let myself and end up having little shitty sleep. tuesday morning i woke up and thought i was fucking dying tbqh and it wasn't worth it, should've just had breakfast at 1am
either way i hope you continue to strive for happiness over ED. one thing my ED has never really got in the way of (apart from like, this weekend, sigh) is a good night out getting shitfaced, and i promise it's worth it! so many new people and hilarious chats, i hope your work do tomorrow is as awesome as you are! <33
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Posted 11 August 2017 - 01:33 PM
definitely go for the new thread if you feel like it's time!! definitely true that staying accountable for weightloss is completely different to the recovery direction you're heading in rn, and it's kinda like, new thread new start u know? + if it helps, maybe gradually decreasing to posting a one or two food highlights of the day instead of everything takes the edge off a bit?
so happy for you that you're taking this step c:
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Posted 11 August 2017 - 04:34 PM
as always thank u so much for the lovely replies aw, definitely gonna make a new thread probably tomorrow if i have time to sit n write a good intro haha, if not then it'll be sunday/monday, but yeah ofc will let u know anyways
breakfast was a giant crumpet w smooth pb, teasers spread n rasps (375)
lunch was chicken sausages with tomato n garlic couscous, spinach n spinach + ricotta stuffed mushrooms (427)
pre-work snacked on gingerbread flavour porridge (177)
work food ~ turkey n cheese sammich (269) white chocolate coated oreos (210)
just now some unpictured post-work crisps (96)
n some random bites here n there also (a few chips, a few lil sweets)
total: in the region of 1600-1650
+ did 7 hour shift
my sister started at my work tonight haha its funny like u can tell she's never worked or anything, im guessing i was the same when i very first started like she's just slow n lacks general common sense but ngl it made my shift go faster from tryin to teach her how to do stuff. i also got paid which always puts me in a good mood
tomorrow is my staff night out after work n ive decided to just pretend alcohol calories don't exist? like, i haven't been on a good night out for so so long n i just wanna get drunk n dance so im just gonna not count my alcohol calories. i'll try to keep my food intake in the day nearer to the 1400 mark but im not toooo bothered bc i think i'd rather try to prioritise having fun haha. i'm really excited !!!
& if drunk food happens, which i won't try to initiate but will probs follow along with if others are getting anything, i'm thinking of logging it on sundays intake rather than saturday n then will probs sleep in fairly late anyway so i'm sure it'll be fine
even if things don't go to plan n i eat more than planned then it should be fine anyway, my new logic is that if i'm happy and in control then i refuse to let ED take that away from me or twist my thinking into thinking i've done something wrong, bc i haven't
as always i hope you guys are well! this may be one of my last proper updates on this thread omg
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Posted 11 August 2017 - 04:43 PM
losing myself, on 11 Aug 2017 - 07:53 AM, said:
I support this 100000% you deserve recovery em. You've gone through years of this bullshit. Thinking you're in control, but really this ed is in control and taking so much away. I really want this for you, and it's attainable. You're so strong and amazing. You're inspiring me to take little stabs at the ED here and there.
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thank u so much <3 ahh im so happy everyone is being so supportive its really making the whole thing easier n stuff c:
thank u <333 im so glad ur taking lil stabs at ED haha, ED is such a bitch
peanutbutter., on 11 Aug 2017 - 08:02 AM, said:
Rlly excited for ur night out yay! Nights out are so fun + I know you've said before how you feel you've missed out on a lot bcos of the liquid cals fear but your TDEE will be much higher than usual and it will be super fun so rlly happy for u on that! + ofc will follow when u make a new thread ☺
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ahhh i'm really excited too!! thank u bb c:
umbreon, on 11 Aug 2017 - 12:02 PM, said:
new thread sounds like such a good idea! you mentioned people coming in here and reading the first few pages and commenting about weightloss even though the thread and you have changed so much since then and i think it'd definitely help ward off those comments. i guess there still might be a few ~ana butterflies~ but fuck em, you fully deserve to be able to share your pictures, thoughts and recovery (? i don't wanna blatantly roll in here screaming RECOVERY but i can't think of anything in place of it, but what i mean is prioritizing your life and happiness over ED) and talk to people on here even though your goal isn't ~lose 80 pounds in a week~ or like other accountabilities here. i think too many people on this site think it's inclusive for all those wanting to lose weight and don't understand the various stages of eating disorders really (especially the AN forum holy fuck. the BN forum is so much better haha)
something that might help w/ the pressure of having to update here/allowing yourself more at nighttimes is to update and post pics the morning after the day's done! i do that and it takes the edge off, being super hungry stops me from sleeping so i often wanna grab another snack but since i've already posted on ppoym/accountability 50% of the time i don't let myself and end up having little shitty sleep. tuesday morning i woke up and thought i was fucking dying tbqh and it wasn't worth it, should've just had breakfast at 1am
either way i hope you continue to strive for happiness over ED. one thing my ED has never really got in the way of (apart from like, this weekend, sigh) is a good night out getting shitfaced, and i promise it's worth it! so many new people and hilarious chats, i hope your work do tomorrow is as awesome as you are! <33
100% yes to all of this aw thank u so much!!
yes exactly, like just bc i might have different goals now it doesn't mean i don't have an ED or shouldn't be on here bc like it'd be nice to have a place to share recovery wins n food pics n all that jazz, its not like i can tell irl ppl how excited i am that i ate a full taco bell or something like they wouldnt understand the significance haha. this also might sound rlly big headed or s/t idk idk but ive had lots of comments on this thread about being inspiring or influential on others so maybe if my recovery related thread got as big it might have some positive input on ppl, i know i enjoy reading recovery threads so hopefully some others might. n i guess i am just calling it recovery now haha, i appreciate ur sensitivity on the word bc it feels like such a big word but i guess that it is my endgame goal even if i get there slowly
yeah that could definitely help tbh that makes a lot of sense! i think updating at the end of the day originally was to help me restrict bc of the very reason that i wouldn't eat more after i'd updated, but now i don't need to be restricting n stuff
n thank u so much <3 im so glad ur ED hasnt taken away getting shitfaced to u bc it sucks having it taken away tbh i really miss it n im super excited to get drunk tomorrow for the first time in freakin ages, i just wanna dance man
thank u ily <33333
astronaute, on 11 Aug 2017 - 1:33 PM, said:
definitely go for the new thread if you feel like it's time!! definitely true that staying accountable for weightloss is completely different to the recovery direction you're heading in rn, and it's kinda like, new thread new start u know? + if it helps, maybe gradually decreasing to posting a one or two food highlights of the day instead of everything takes the edge off a bit?
so happy for you that you're taking this step c:
yeah it definitely feels like time tbh! i feel like this thread has reached its natural end point
& yep i plan on cutting down to food highlights rather than absolutely everything, some days maybe i'll post everything if it's all good stuff but other days maybe i'll only post one thing or even no food pics yknow? like i don't wanna have any obligation or pressure
thank u so much kels <3
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Posted 11 August 2017 - 05:44 PM
hi hi hi it's me again!!!! im full of energy so i decided to make the new thread
>> http://www.myproana....ains-her-chill/ <<
rest in peace to this thread, it's been 576 days since i started it but it really just feels like a good point to end it here
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Posted 12 August 2017 - 06:14 AM
GAH I'm so happy for u em!!
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my accountability thread // \\ my food & recipe dump // \\ feel like shit?
stats
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current weight: no clue
highest weight: 110.4 lbs (bmi 19.6) - forced weight restoration - February 2017
lowest weight at this height: 84lbs (bmi: 14.9) - September 2016
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Posted 13 August 2017 - 11:26 AM
losing myself, on 12 Aug 2017 - 06:14 AM, said:
This! Soooo much! I feel emotional for u hun. It's like the beginning of a new happier journey. So stoked for u! XxxRIP chocolate milk accountability thread
GAH I'm so happy for u em!!
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Posted 15 August 2017 - 12:43 PM
I just finished reading through your entire accountability and by the time I get to the end you make a new one 
But I'll follow that one for sure!
#4754
- Accountability access
- 7958 posts
Omniscient
- Locationbumfuck nowhere
Posted 25 November 2017 - 07:46 PM
Sent from Omicron Persei-8
Desmond/Des/Mosh
Current Weight and BMI
200.0 / 36.6 (05.16.2022)
26
closeted questioning ftm gender dysphoria pls use they/them or he/him
my new accountability: Coming Undone - Mosh's accountability - Higher BMI accountability Forum - Forums and Community (myproana.com)
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