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Posted 02 June 2022 - 03:01 AM
Spoiler 'cos it's a long reply. Actually logged onto the laptop to type it! You're working really hard through all of this, so wanted to give a response the time you deserve.
rotten-baby, on 01 Jun 2022 - 07:27 AM, said:
I'm allowing myself to be bmi 15.5 max I think, I like my body most aesthetically around there. I just need to work on the need to be emaciated.
What drives it? Attention probably? I remember a guy called me a pritstick and told me I needed food, my friend told me I'd die if I lost more weight and I was "obviously anorexic" I loved it, why?
I don't think it's just because its a validation of my ed, because my ed isn't really about starving it's about binging and purging. I don't really like sympathy or feeling cared for, but it could be a little bit of that. i need to work on why I need that because atleast if that drive goes away I'll have a better quality of life
I think I just want to be special and stand out, I could be walking down the street at bmi 20 and that's boring, no one cares about that. I could walk down the street at bmi 10 and that would be SHOCKING. So yeah, really it is about attention. And I need to find another way to do that. I like shocking people, I don't know why but I do it as well by telling people about my past. I'm not shocking at the moment really, I just look a bit too thin but not in a "Jesus fucking christ what's up with her" kinda way. In reality I'm not special or interesting, but I want to be, I want to be memorable to people in a way that doesn't feel inherently negative, being emaciated doesn't feel negative to me (where as being 600lbs would do)
As vain as it is, I could always just change my mindset and use my body at bmi 15.5 to be shocking, I look higher than my bmi so I just look slim in an attractive way there. Although I quite enjoy being in the bmi 14s more so. Its so confusing.
I just wanna eat with less need to then go and bp, my ed is exhausting.
Maybe I should just start protesting and like,,, do what russell brand did and strip nude on drugs at a protest lol
It sounds as though you've been giving all of this a lot of thought, which is great. Insights like you are having will help you make decisions about which behaviours you do and do not want to keep, and also hopefully help you to navigate a way out of them / replace them with other things. Really glad that you don't feel the need to have your ED "validated" (everyone's ED is valid), and good that you can see that b/p is a significant driver of your ED (Like I've said before, for me, it's because I have a really high arousal zone, so need the BP like I need a fix of drugs or something, or a flood of adrenaline. Extreme sports used to fill this gap for me, alongside other, less healthy behaviours that I've managed to wean myself down from. Again, I'm gonna push the meditation :-P )
Reading through what you've written, and looking at your photos, got me thinking. We've been to a lot of concerts / gigs / festivals recently, and one of the things that really made people stand out (in a sea of alternative people), is the way people dress, their hair and make up and stuff. These have all been punk / metal gigs so dressing "alternatively" is the norm lol, but a couple of people really stood out and caught my eye - one girl with a fifteen-inch mohawk and *loads* of piercings, a girl with a bag shaped like a dinosaur, and a lady wearing all black except for a red belt and a slash of red lipstick (reminded me or Morticia Addams). I think what I'm saying is that fashion can be a really creative way to express yourself, shock people, and get attention, all without causing yourself damage like the ED does.
(Obviously there are other factors at play, but if this helps with that need a little bit then it could be worth it).
We went to a gig once wearing make-up like war-paint - neon streaks across our face, and *very* little in the way of clothing. Another time, we butchered a Lacoste tracksuit and added tartan and safety-pins and stuff.
The way you dress is really cool anyway, so maybe you could channel your energy even more into that.
Lady GaGa is a major inspiration for me, as are designers like Vivienne Westwoood and Alexander McQueen. Look up Daniel Lismore too - he sees himself as a living work of art. We saw an exhibition of his stuff and it was amazing, although you might not want to take it that far!!! (Or you might...). Lots of David Bowie influence and stuff like that.
P.S. You're doing really well on holiday - keep it up!!!
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#162
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Posted Today, 08:08 AM
secret_shadow, on 02 Jun 2022 - 03:01 AM, said:
Spoiler 'cos it's a long reply. Actually logged onto the laptop to type it! You're working really hard through all of this, so wanted to give a response the time you deserve.
Spoiler
It sounds as though you've been giving all of this a lot of thought, which is great. Insights like you are having will help you make decisions about which behaviours you do and do not want to keep, and also hopefully help you to navigate a way out of them / replace them with other things. Really glad that you don't feel the need to have your ED "validated" (everyone's ED is valid), and good that you can see that b/p is a significant driver of your ED (Like I've said before, for me, it's because I have a really high arousal zone, so need the BP like I need a fix of drugs or something, or a flood of adrenaline. Extreme sports used to fill this gap for me, alongside other, less healthy behaviours that I've managed to wean myself down from. Again, I'm gonna push the meditation :-P )
Reading through what you've written, and looking at your photos, got me thinking. We've been to a lot of concerts / gigs / festivals recently, and one of the things that really made people stand out (in a sea of alternative people), is the way people dress, their hair and make up and stuff. These have all been punk / metal gigs so dressing "alternatively" is the norm lol, but a couple of people really stood out and caught my eye - one girl with a fifteen-inch mohawk and *loads* of piercings, a girl with a bag shaped like a dinosaur, and a lady wearing all black except for a red belt and a slash of red lipstick (reminded me or Morticia Addams). I think what I'm saying is that fashion can be a really creative way to express yourself, shock people, and get attention, all without causing yourself damage like the ED does.
(Obviously there are other factors at play, but if this helps with that need a little bit then it could be worth it).
We went to a gig once wearing make-up like war-paint - neon streaks across our face, and *very* little in the way of clothing. Another time, we butchered a Lacoste tracksuit and added tartan and safety-pins and stuff.
The way you dress is really cool anyway, so maybe you could channel your energy even more into that.
Lady GaGa is a major inspiration for me, as are designers like Vivienne Westwoood and Alexander McQueen. Look up Daniel Lismore too - he sees himself as a living work of art. We saw an exhibition of his stuff and it was amazing, although you might not want to take it that far!!! (Or you might...). Lots of David Bowie influence and stuff like that.
P.S. You're doing really well on holiday - keep it up!!!
Ah thank you!! I absolutely love fashion and I dress quite alternatively, I even have an anti eyebrow piercing which currently has a little safety pin in it, so that's makes me stand out a bit, as well as some massive dresses, massive boots. I love it!!
I'm going to 2 concerts next month, I'm really excited. I'm seeing green day and Red hot chilli peppers so that'll be fun! I definitely do need to channel more energy into fashion since it is something I enjoy a lot, now I have a job I can just about afford it too
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Posted Today, 08:11 AM
I can't lie I really want to get to my ugw in 2 months, or close to that
what happened 
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Posted 04 June 2022 - 10:16 AM
Are you still feeling sick? I hope you’re better.
Make sure you hydrate in the hot weather. You’ll just pee it out. I lose more when I drink more I feel.
Does your grandma have anorexia now? Or in the past? Does she know you struggle too?
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
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Posted 04 June 2022 - 10:28 AM
kissmyabs, on 03 Jun 2022 - 11:52 PM, said:
Yes, a well-deserved little woosh!
yes! hope it keeps going
deterministic chaos, on 04 Jun 2022 - 01:07 AM, said:
chiming in - just read your whole thread over these past few days. girl!!!!!
so proud of u. 100lbs!!! j h christ!!
inspirational
you are going to fucking SMASH your goals!!
awww tysm! so much to read, oof! ahaha thank you again
anitsirk2.o, on 04 Jun 2022 - 10:16 AM, said:
Wow woosh down to 141!! Awesome!!
Are you still feeling sick? I hope you’re better.
Make sure you hydrate in the hot weather. You’ll just pee it out. I lose more when I drink more I feel.
Does your grandma have anorexia now? Or in the past? Does she know you struggle too?
yes! i'm so happy for that lol
my ears are like super irritated for some reason but other than that, i'm like... running a tad bit warmer than normal but way less than yesterday! so i'm feeling kindaaaaa normal...??? thank you!!
yes! definitely; i just cant get back into drinking water for some reason :/ like i have periods where i drink drink drink water, then, sometimes i go days without finishing a water bottle (
hmm.. the grandma im talking about right now doesn't live with me, but from what my mom tells me, she's been skinny-waifish since she knew her.
...like, rail skinny, needing to get blood transfusions every now and again, raging migraines, lost all her teeth, can't hold her bladder, is always needing to take a nap because of how tired she is, idealizes skinny people and shames people who are fat (realllyyy don't like that about her).
then, when she comes over, she only eats enough for like... a baby pidgeon and gives the rest to her husband bc "she's full" :///.
but she's so happy feeding other people. lol... hmmm.
its weird. i was at my LW once when i visited her, and she told me how "pretty" i was and gave me so much attention. i wasn't much of a concern to her. also, in some of her visits (i was 245 lbs the 1st visit, about 180 the 2nd visit) and she complimented how much weight i've lost. lmao. idk. another time, she gave me heels to wear because it'll make me look "skinnier and prettier." big oof. that side of my family is completely oblivious and i can't blame them, considering that we don't see each other often
i really don't think anyone thinks or even is concerned about ed-related struggles besides my mom, and only bc how often i decline her making food/plates for me (
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Posted 04 June 2022 - 01:27 PM
also, what an exciting whoosh to have! and over 100lbs gone!! wowow well done
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Posted 04 June 2022 - 05:58 PM
Also, 100 pounds is absolutely incredible!!!!!
good better best never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better best
167 166 165 164 163 162 161 160
159 158 157 156 155 154 153 152 151 150
149 148 147 146 145 144 143 142 141 140
139 138 137 136 135 134 133 132 131 130
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Posted Yesterday, 03:04 PM
tilldeath, on 04 Jun 2022 - 1:27 PM, said:
ah man it must be hard watching a family member experience that, in both a triggering and also sad way! i imagine theres many older people dealing with eds that they’ve had their entire life but because back then mental health just wasn’t a thing that was spoken about i imagine many believe its completely normal and will never have any idea they are disordered.
also, what an exciting whoosh to have! and over 100lbs gone!! wowow well done
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anitsirk2.o, on 04 Jun 2022 - 5:58 PM, said:
Oh wow your grandma situation sounds sad. I hope I don’t lose my teeth or bladder control! It sounds like she could very well still have an Ed, or maybe she just did for so long it’s just how she is now. I’m sorry she made you feel invalidated when you were a higher weight
Also, 100 pounds is absolutely incredible!!!!!
thank you both <3 yeah, i also believe this lifestyle is just "normal" for her now, sadly...
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Posted Yesterday, 03:05 PM
141.4
i actually.. feel... like.. so tired from this random sickness i got from my mom omfgggg
you go out ONE time and get sick
intake
chicken fried rice - 100g - 200cal
sizzling rice soup - 370cal? idk
570
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Posted Today, 06:49 AM
CeeFadesAway, on 05 Jun 2022 - 9:13 PM, said:
Binged your whole thread tonight and had to say you are SUCH a motivation! Congratulations on your loss! ❤️
hi hi!! thank you so much <3
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Posted Today, 06:50 AM
fαye, on 01 May 2022 - 07:11 AM, said:
I'm counting 147.8 as my "start weight" for May since I have not had an excess calorie day,
fαye, on 01 Jun 2022 - 12:09 PM, said:
June 1:
I’m 146.6 today. Making that only a 1.2 lb weight loss in a month with mostly low res and some maintainable days. Wow.
140.2 today. maybe this is my real weight? what a woosh, btw <3
someone stop me from eating all the fried rice & soup in the fridge looks sooo good.
update intake:
omad lololol i couldnt help myself and its only 8 am
8.0 oz + 11 oz after soup - 370 + 508.75 = 878
100g fried rice - 200 cal.. feels like more tho
1078 wtf who am iiiii
also the fried rice was gross after sitting in the fridge. not worth imo. good reference for later.
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Posted Today, 07:05 AM
congrats on losing almost 105!
undiagnosed restrictive bs
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BMI 23 22 21 20 19 maintenance
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fasting accountability
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Posted 04 June 2022 - 01:22 PM
day 146, sat 4 june
59.8kg
exercise: none!
steps: 8k so finally broke my 10k+ streak after a couple months ig
morning: green tea, coffee
afternoon: tequila and whiskey (600), pork dumplings in sauce (360), uhhhhh and then i blacked out i think i had spicy chicken wings at some point
so the original plan was to go to this dumpling/noodle place for lunch and i KNOW they make their shit hella spicy for you but this time it was a miss ):<
ive really been craving to have something so spicy that id feel it for a week afterwards
but anyway alcohol happened so weeeeeeee
evening: more tequila and whiskey (800) before i was gone again and i think bf and i raided a supermarket and got a bunch of snacks and ice cream lol
total: honestly probably like 4000 LMFAO in between spewing my guts out
im typing this all up the next day if you couldnt guess (good morning) and i weighed 61.2kg this morning so a 1.4kg gain but honestly after that random spike at 61.9kg a couple days ago i aint mad at all lul 'specially since im probably bloated like hell
good night
food (i lost my phone at some point after the chicken wings but i found it again later dw)
SORRY ABOUT MY GROSS SAUCE FINGERS I LITERALLY DONT EVEN REMEMBER EATING THESE
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Posted Yesterday, 12:35 AM
day 147, sun 5 june
61.2kg
exercise: 8.5km jog + 1.5km walk
steps: 16133 (7.30pm)
morning: green tea, coffee
afternoon: tea, second tea
evening: 2tbsp fibre, obligatory sunday night market for dinner - sticky rice with chicken and mushroom (300ish) and 4 fried dumplings (2pork 2chicken) (300ish), green apple (85), 150g red grapes (115), third tea
ive been to the night market every week for like two months now because mY mOtHeR wAnTs To Go and i am so absolutely done with that place lmfao
anyway me mam finally starts her one week of work tomorrow (before taking two weeks off gg) so i finally have the kitchen/house to myself after almost two and a half months of family being home 24/7 in what at this point has been excruciating mental agony i should get a medal for not bitching about it at any point just, quietly having panic attacks in my room lolololol
but yeah no i think ill make some simple sushi for dinner tomorrow as my first real meal that i was able to make innnnnn theeeeee kicthennnnnnnn
or maybe a stir-fry
i dunno
total: 800ish
good night
food
oh when i said "snacks" in yesterdays post where i got really drunk it was mostly a lot of fruit and nuts and stuff cuz theyre so tasttyyyy even drunk me loves them
i mean bf's idea of snacks is like your usual chips and ice cream and whatever so im still chock-full of straight garbage but like yeah i love fruit
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Posted Today, 02:00 AM
day 148, mon 6 june
60.7kg
exercise: 40min walk, 20min walk
steps: 11133
morning: green tea, coffee
afternoon: powerade (10)
evening: lettuce wraps with chicken and beans (300), 1tbsp fibre, 2 chicken nuggies (95), choc halo top (150-180), salad with the leftover beans also some tuna (230)
today was UPSETTING since i thought i would finally have the house/kitchen to myself for a bit but my brother randomly took a couple days off so no
just the stress of that made me not have anything for lunch lmao
anyway bf and i managed to make a scuffed dinner at my place today regardless which was still p fun
he tried to make a cheese sauce thing but super fucked it up so after dinner we had to go out for snacks so he wouldnt cry which was also p fun
total: 800ish
good night
food
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