faye's quest: 245 to 100 lbs ♡ 5'0.5 - cw: 142.8 lbs, 102.2 lbs down!
#801 
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Posted Yesterday, 12:09 PM
fαye, on 01 May 2022 - 07:11 AM, said:
happy may!
148.6 today
April 1st I weighed in at 156.8, making a 9lb weight loss from my recent LW (147.8 April 29th)
I'm counting 147.8 as my "start weight" for May since I have not had an excess calorie day,
& therefore I should only be losing, despite what the scale says! :>
I’m 146.6 today. Making that only a 1.2 lb weight loss in a month with mostly low res and some maintainable days. Wow. Okay. Something has to change. No maintainable days lol.
I get that the food I’ve ate lately could be heavy as fuck, but even though it’s tasty, I’m craving (lol…) weight loss more.
so sad.
intake tbd …
ice cream - 160
chips - 140
300. hope that's all.
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Posted Yesterday, 12:35 PM
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Posted Yesterday, 03:07 PM
clowndoll, on 01 Jun 2022 - 12:35 PM, said:
Good luck with June!
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thank you <3 you too!
#804
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Posted Yesterday, 03:11 PM
may's calorie intakes:
290 655 655 610 208 155 155
750 440 190 190 80 1060 740
720 595 530 100 860 1060 1395
970 527 420 410 1245 528 1198
1158 1065 1140
ordered:
80, 100, 155, 155, 190, 190, 208,
290, 410, 420, 440, 527, 528, 530,
595, 610, 655, 655, 720, 740, 750,
860, 970, 1060, 1060, 1065, 1140, 1158,
1198, 1245, 1395
average intake: 648 calories
at a deficit of 900+... there's no way... NO WAY I only lost 1.2 lbs last month.
june's calorie intakes:
to be updated!
#805
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Posted Yesterday, 05:39 PM
fαye, on 01 Jun 2022 - 3:11 PM, said:
Do you think you might be holding onto water? Maybe you'll see a drop soonmay's calorie intakes:
290 655 655 610 208 155 155
750 440 190 190 80 1060 740
720 595 530 100 860 1060 1395
970 527 420 410 1245 528 1198
1158 1065 1140
ordered:
80, 100, 155, 155, 190, 190, 208,
290, 410, 420, 440, 527, 528, 530,
595, 610, 655, 655, 720, 740, 750,
860, 970, 1060, 1060, 1065, 1140, 1158,
1198, 1245, 1395
average intake: 648 calories
at a deficit of 900+... there's no way... NO WAY I only lost 1.2 lbs last month.
june's calorie intakes:
to be updated!
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Posted Yesterday, 06:43 PM
#807
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Posted Yesterday, 07:04 PM
fαye, on 01 Jun 2022 - 12:09 PM, said:
I’m 146.6 today. Making that only a 1.2 lb weight loss in a month with mostly low res and some maintainable days. Wow. Okay. Something has to change. No maintainable days lol.
I get that the food I’ve ate lately could be heavy as fuck, but even though it’s tasty, I’m craving (lol…) weight loss more.
so sad.
intake tbd …
ice cream - 160
chips - 140
300. hope that's all.
I also basically maintained throughout May, I managed to squeeze some loss into the very end but besides that, zilch.
I think June will be a lot better for us. I am just thankful for no gaining, I've had enough of that! Sending positive vibes! xx Just know you aren't alone with this!
~Hufflepuff | INFP | 9w1 | They/Them | Pisces~
Stats/Diagnoses/Weight-Loss:
Height: 5'4.5 (65 in)
HW: ~200 (BMI 33.8)
LW: 122 (BMI 20.6)
CW: 175.2 (BMI 29.6)
GW1: 155 (BMI 26.2)
GW2: 120 (BMI 20.3)
What I'm diagnosed with:
~Depression - General Anxiety Disorder/Anticipatory Anxiety - Childhood Trauma - Food Restriction (EDNOS) - ADHD - Bipolar 1~
Suspecting:
~Autism~
199 - 198 - 197 - 196 - 195 - 194 - 193 - 192 - 191 - 190- 189 - 188 - 187 - 186 - 185 - 184 - 183 - 182 - 181 - 180
- 179 - 178 - 177 - 176 - 175 - 174 - 173 - 172 - 171 - 170 - 169 - 168 - 167 - 166 - 165
164 - 163 - 162 - 161 - 160 - 159 - 158 - 157 - 156 - 155- 154 - 153 - 152 - 151 - 150
149 - 148 - 147 - 146 - 145 - 144 - 143 - 142 - 141 - 140 - 139 - 138 - 137 - 136 - 135
134 - 133 - 132 - 131 - 130 - 129 - 128 - 127 - 126 - 125 - 124 - 123 - 122 - 121 - 120 - 119 - 118 - 117 - 116 - 115
Weight Loss Rewards:
180- Shorter Haircut
170- Add Dye to Hair!
160- New Tattoo
150- New Piercing
140- New Binder
130- Short Haircut!!!
120- Wardrobe Update (200$ spending money)
Accountability: https://www.myproana...-to-120-at-545/
Updated Last: 5.31.22
"I begin to assemble what weapons I can find, 'cause sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind."
~Migraine, twenty one pilots
"I was once told that the love I felt beating inside my chest was nothing more than my mind playing an unfair trick on my heart.
And like a pair of dice dancing along the uneven pavement, their fate, much like yours or mine, had already been decided." ~Find Me, Forest Blakk
"Of course I'll be here again, see you tomorrow, but it's the end of today,
End of my ways as a walking denial
My trial was filed as a crazy suicidal head case." ~Addict With a Pen, twenty one pilots
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Posted Yesterday, 07:12 PM
I also had minimal loss in May, despite being in a deficit for 28 days :') Only 1.3lbs
Hopefully June brings loss for both of us!
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Posted Today, 09:09 AM
clowndoll, on 01 Jun 2022 - 5:39 PM, said:
Do you think you might be holding onto water? Maybe you'll see a drop soon
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definitely… it’s just not easy on the mental seeing how much others have lost from may 1st to june 1st, so of course I’m just looking at numbers and not anything else 
hoping for a late whoosh…
flaneur, on 01 Jun 2022 - 6:43 PM, said:
weren’t you on your period a few days ago? sometimes i retain a ton of water a couple days after, you’re probably experiencing the same. isn’t being a girl fun
Yesss but ugh I’m not used to waiting this long for water retention to be over, so it’s so weird to me. It’s probably going to take another couple of days. Hopefully sooon
something_of_an_aimless, on 01 Jun 2022 - 7:04 PM, said:
I also basically maintained throughout May, I managed to squeeze some loss into the very end but besides that, zilch.
I think June will be a lot better for us. I am just thankful for no gaining, I've had enough of that! Sending positive vibes! xx Just know you aren't alone with this!
Yes! No gaining is always good. I really feel like June is going to be a good month. Here’s to hoping. <3
astrotea, on 01 Jun 2022 - 7:12 PM, said:
I also had minimal loss in May, despite being in a deficit for 28 days :') Only 1.3lbs
Hopefully June brings loss for both of us!
astro I always feel like we’re on the same wave length lol! imagine only losing a little bit despite being in a deficit the whole time.. oh wait, we don’t have to imagine
here’s to June! <3
#810
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Posted Today, 09:13 AM
145.6
um okay rude but better than yesterday's 146.6. hopefully the water retention widdles away?
restarted watching stranger things for natalie dyer thinspo lol
also had a cringey pro ana moment in the shower where I was feeling my hip bones, wrist check, shoulder bone, and collar bones and being like, you’ll always be my comfort bones xoxoxo… wtf is wrong with me lmao I’m laughing thinking ab it
it’s my sisters birthday and we might be going out for lunch, watch a movie, and eat ice cream later. hopefully my calories stay under 700? but definitely want to stay under 900. for sure.
intake tbd, goal: 700~900
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Posted 31 May 2022 - 09:36 AM
5.31.22 weight: 111.0
kms kms kmskm skmskmss sadness
i had 120 cals for breakfast today.
i hope we can go shopping soon. i hate when i have no safe foods to eat, i always end up eating more.
"You think you're special? You're not. Everyone lies, everyone hides things...
Nobody makes it through this life being completely honest."
---------------
cw/lw: 97.8
hw: 181 lbs
gw1: 150 bs
gw2: 135 lbs
ugw: 93lbs
5'7
ive lost 50+ pounds and it feels and looks like ive lost none :/
how the fuck am i bmi 15 lol
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Posted 31 May 2022 - 01:32 PM
whenever people say this i feel so bad about myself and idk why :| thanks for the trigger yanfei <3
"You think you're special? You're not. Everyone lies, everyone hides things...
Nobody makes it through this life being completely honest."
---------------
cw/lw: 97.8
hw: 181 lbs
gw1: 150 bs
gw2: 135 lbs
ugw: 93lbs
5'7
ive lost 50+ pounds and it feels and looks like ive lost none :/
how the fuck am i bmi 15 lol
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---------------
#73
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Posted 31 May 2022 - 08:40 PM
5.31.22: 770cals
not bad. kinda mad tho.
also. oreos say its 3 cookies per serving. yet the ones we have say 2 are the serving.
3 for 160
or 2 for 140/150?
the measurements for the oreos are the same as the old oreos, when did they change? i swear they were always 2 cookies. but every entry on MFP is 3 cookies?
idk which is correct.
anyways i guess better than 1k for todays total lol.
"You think you're special? You're not. Everyone lies, everyone hides things...
Nobody makes it through this life being completely honest."
---------------
cw/lw: 97.8
hw: 181 lbs
gw1: 150 bs
gw2: 135 lbs
ugw: 93lbs
5'7
ive lost 50+ pounds and it feels and looks like ive lost none :/
how the fuck am i bmi 15 lol
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Posted Yesterday, 12:30 PM
6.1.22: 111.0
of course. ate less and didnt even budge in weight. im tired of this. it makes no sense
nearly 1 month of restriction and ive lost nothing. make it make sense.
even if eating 1k, thats still technically restriction.
"You think you're special? You're not. Everyone lies, everyone hides things...
Nobody makes it through this life being completely honest."
---------------
cw/lw: 97.8
hw: 181 lbs
gw1: 150 bs
gw2: 135 lbs
ugw: 93lbs
5'7
ive lost 50+ pounds and it feels and looks like ive lost none :/
how the fuck am i bmi 15 lol
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Posted Yesterday, 12:32 PM
grocery haul!!
i normally never get ice cream but ive been craving it. i havent had halo top in forever. i hope it doesnt hurt my stomach with the fake sugar lol.
i also never get the special k pastries but i decided if i want something sweet i can have one of those instead of candy or something
"You think you're special? You're not. Everyone lies, everyone hides things...
Nobody makes it through this life being completely honest."
---------------
cw/lw: 97.8
hw: 181 lbs
gw1: 150 bs
gw2: 135 lbs
ugw: 93lbs
5'7
ive lost 50+ pounds and it feels and looks like ive lost none :/
how the fuck am i bmi 15 lol
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#76
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Posted Yesterday, 01:27 PM
my period started maybe thats why i didnt lose weight. but idk i feel like thats just an excuse lol
"You think you're special? You're not. Everyone lies, everyone hides things...
Nobody makes it through this life being completely honest."
---------------
cw/lw: 97.8
hw: 181 lbs
gw1: 150 bs
gw2: 135 lbs
ugw: 93lbs
5'7
ive lost 50+ pounds and it feels and looks like ive lost none :/
how the fuck am i bmi 15 lol
---------------
---------------
#77
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Posted Yesterday, 06:03 PM
6.1.22: 710 cals
its actually 698 but im just gonna over estimate.
halo top needs to add more sprinkles to their bday cake one lmfao i had to add my own :|
i also had one of the special k pasties but i only had half of a package! go me.
"You think you're special? You're not. Everyone lies, everyone hides things...
Nobody makes it through this life being completely honest."
---------------
cw/lw: 97.8
hw: 181 lbs
gw1: 150 bs
gw2: 135 lbs
ugw: 93lbs
5'7
ive lost 50+ pounds and it feels and looks like ive lost none :/
how the fuck am i bmi 15 lol
---------------
---------------
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Posted Yesterday, 03:48 PM
intake
hot choc and pastry
chicken parmesan w fries
coke (the drink)
cookie dough
total: ?? fuck knows lol i didn’t count
gonna start adding dates to make it easier for myself to come back and check my intake for certain days
bday dinner is done. finally. all that’s left is to internally panic about the weight i’ve gained and to contemplate if it’s worth weighing even tho i know i’ll be retaining a shit ton of water
my plan was to not eat anything until the evening meal but i didn’t quite manage it. i try to be as real as i can in this thread so i’ll be completely honest and say that i did think rly hard about binging. knowing that i’ll be eating out later is a massive binge trigger bc it’s like what’s the point lol this day is basically fucked already. but i resisted! that doesn’t mean much ik lol but i’m proud of myself. i did have hot chocolate and a pastry but it’s not a binge, i just veered slightly off track
as for the meal out, i did fuck up there. i let my cravings overcome me and didn’t order the meal i had planned in favour of high calorie junk. but it’s okay, mistakes happen. i’m trying. i feel bloated af now though, and i’m genuinely so full that i never want to eat again. i feel gross and fat but what’s new. the food tasted delicious and i will shamelessly admit i ate every last bite of it. worth it bc im a fat fuck anyway
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Posted Yesterday, 03:50 PM
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Posted Yesterday, 04:49 PM
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Posted Yesterday, 06:05 PM
here’s a pic if you’re unsure as to what it is
my aim is to eat less or exactly the calorie limit for the day, anything more will be deemed a failure. LOL i’ve only ever completed about half of this diet before so i hope i can do it
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Posted Yesterday, 06:23 PM
if my parents don’t care that i’ve started restricting again i’ll make them care. call me childish if you want
ik i’m not starting this on a monday like you’re supposed to but it doesn’t matter shhh
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Posted Today, 12:30 AM
flaneur, on 01 Jun 2022 - 3:50 PM, said:
sorry guys i have no idea how to make the images smaller im on my phone ;//
noooo we all like big images 
3
Losing 5 kg ASAP
#1
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Posted 23 May 2022 - 05:44 PM
Hi.
I've been binging more than ever last week and gained so much weight from my lw. I feel terrible about it so now I have to suffer the consequences and get rid of it all over again asap by liquid fasting / low restriction. I just can't handle to take it slow and steady at the moment. This probably isn't a smart move but I don't have the patience and I'm feeling quite motivated so let's see how this goes.
Not gonna post any numbers yet because I'm ashamed how much I've gained, except for maybe how much I've lost compared to the previous day.
Right now nothing matters other than getting the numbers lower every single day.
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Posted 24 May 2022 - 08:47 AM
Day 1:
Okayyy 3.6 kg left to lose until I get back to my lw. Yesterday I drank coke zero and ate a sandwich with cheese, a veggie patty and pickles. I was supposed to fast but I think I'm just not capable anymore. It doesn't matter though, low restriction is just as efficient I think since I never was able to fast long-term anyways.
At the moment I'm drinking coffee with soy milk and the cravings are hitting hard again. This feels like a nightmare but I really gotta persist. My fear of gaining even more weight is stopping me from acting on my binge urges right now. I have no choice but to drink as much coffee as I need today and just distract myself whatever way possible.
Ahh I regret binging all of last week so much it's ridiculous how could I have done this to myself. But, there's nothing else to do other than focus on the future and make the right choices in the present moment. I've lost this weight before I can do it again, no big deal. This time I'm planning to keep it off though.
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Posted 24 May 2022 - 02:49 PM
Day 2:
Same sandwich as yesterday + 2 cups of coffee with soy milk + mountain dew.
Still experiencing bad binge urges, I don't really know what to do about it other than just tolerate it..?
Update: drinking my third cup of coffee.
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Posted 25 May 2022 - 10:23 AM
Day 3:
2.5 kg left to lose. Currently debating what to eat today... I wanna stick to liquid/light foods just to see a bigger difference on the scale but also I am already struggling not to binge, so should I just eat what I want and try to limit my portions?? This is always an issue. I'll be back with an update.
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Posted 25 May 2022 - 12:50 PM
Yeah today I kind of lost it again. I had banana yogurt at home and for some reason I just snapped and ate the whole kg of it at once. Then I had a pita with chicken, cheese and lettuce. So far my cal total: an estimated 1600. I'm still experiencing binge urges and very tempted to go to the store again...
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Posted 27 May 2022 - 01:52 PM
Day 4:
So the day before yesterday (day 3) I didn't binge and pushed through the urges. Yesterday I had spelt porridge that I added protein powder to and then two wraps with chicken, cheese, lettuce, tomato, bell pepper. I also think I had a cup or two of coffee with soy milk. I honestly don't even remember for sure. Didn't count calories either because I was too focused on not binging again.
Day 5:
And then today, I've had three (smallish) apples, lunch at the uni dining hall (spaghetti w veg sauce and salad), oat latte, one small chocolate candy & more coffee at work. No idea what I weigh because I've been eating more than I'd like and probably haven't lost anything. Focusing on not binging because the urges will not leave me alone!!!
Idk what the f is wrong with me. Today I had really bad brain fog, like I almost struggled to form sentences, cannot think straight, a bit dizzy and low energy (but then after loading up on coffee really jittery and anxious...). And now I have a headache, I feel somehow really puffy like I'm retaining a lot of liquid in me and tired, despite sleeping around 12 h last night + all the coffee. AND in consequence I feel super fat and disgusting too. Which is making me want to binge even more and just fuck everything up. I..... have nothing else to add.
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Posted 29 May 2022 - 02:14 PM
Day 7:
3 cups coffee
b&j's ice cream pint
I've decided to try and (high) restrict on stuff that I've been craving forever just to actually get the cravings out of the way... I really hope this works. I've been maintaining a couple days now but still not that close to my lw :'(
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Posted 31 May 2022 - 11:37 AM
Day 9:
1.5 kg left to lose. Today I've had 3 mozzarella balls and a pepsi max (930 cal total). Now I'm still having cravings...
Update: ate (a lot of) chocolate (so an additional 1050 cal...)
Gonna try and compensate in some way tomorrow for this higher cal day. I'm motivated to not give up and keep going despite my slip ups here and there.
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Posted 31 May 2022 - 12:33 PM
this is actually inspiring though.
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undiagnosed restrictive bs
.
BMI 23 22 21 20 19 maintenance
.
fasting accountability
https://www.myproana...accountability/
.
#14
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Posted Yesterday, 03:13 AM
butttercup, on 31 May 2022 - 12:50 PM, said:
Because this is not one of those pretty pink ‘look how perfectly I restrict’ accountabilities. It seems like you’re really struggling with binge urges but not giving up and try again every single day. It’s real and I admire your willpower.really?? why though lol
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undiagnosed restrictive bs
.
BMI 23 22 21 20 19 maintenance
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fasting accountability
https://www.myproana...accountability/
.
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Posted Yesterday, 03:30 AM
kissmyabs, on 01 Jun 2022 - 03:13 AM, said:
Because this is not one of those pretty pink ‘look how perfectly I restrict’ accountabilities. It seems like you’re really struggling with binge urges but not giving up and try again every single day. It’s real and I admire your willpower.
agreed, i’ve never interacted with your thread because i don’t want to intrude but i read every post because it’s so refreshing to see someone who is genuinely struggling and trying to better themselves. seeing picture perfect threads where people are amazing at restriction and don’t show the ugly sides of ed’s get a bit dull after a while. keep doing what you’re doing
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Posted Yesterday, 03:37 PM
kissmyabs, on 01 Jun 2022 - 03:13 AM, said:
Because this is not one of those pretty pink ‘look how perfectly I restrict’ accountabilities. It seems like you’re really struggling with binge urges but not giving up and try again every single day. It’s real and I admire your willpower.
flaneur, on 01 Jun 2022 - 03:30 AM, said:
agreed, i’ve never interacted with your thread because i don’t want to intrude but i read every post because it’s so refreshing to see someone who is genuinely struggling and trying to better themselves. seeing picture perfect threads where people are amazing at restriction and don’t show the ugly sides of ed’s get a bit dull after a while. keep doing what you’re doing
Awww thank you so much for this to both of you!! Really, I even teared up a little reading these. I never really thought about it this way, because I mostly keep my accountabilities for myself. And I want to be honest and show my bad days too, because then I can look back on it and reflect on where I went wrong and see the bigger picture if that makes sense. I am always aware though that others might be reading my posts and do feel a little shame when I repeatedly keep posting about my failures, but the pressure to still try my best keeps me going. Also I wanna get thin so bad, so I don't think I'll ever quit trying to achieve that goal, no matter how long it takes me... so yeah I'm definitely struggling but just trying my best haha.
» 𝕵𝖚𝖘𝖙 𝖆𝖘 𝖘𝖔𝖔𝖓 𝖆𝖘 𝕴 𝖇𝖊𝖑𝖔𝖓𝖌; 𝖙𝖍𝖊𝖓 𝖎𝖙'𝖘 𝖙𝖎𝖒𝖊 𝕴 𝖉𝖎𝖘𝖆𝖕𝖕𝖊𝖆𝖗. «
#1
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Posted 08 April 2022 - 09:27 AM
Started as an attempt at doing a liquid "semi-fast", turned into... I don't f*cking know anymore.
Stats.
Height: 163 cm | 5'4
SW: 51 kg | 112 lbs
GW: 44 kg | 97 lbs
UGW: as close to death as possible
Something about me.
Not much to say except I'm a failure, too depressed to function, with no will to live anymore.
Disabled, jobless, no talent, nothing I can hold on to, not even a person who cares.
1 attempted suicide with consequent hospitalization that further ruined my already disastrous life.
ED history.
Thin to skinny-fat child, emotional/stress eater.
Started restricting as a result of trauma at 15.
Developed bulimia in the span of a couple of months.
Diagnosed with OSFED, alternating between bulimic phases and restricting periods, bordering on orthorexi, though my last psychologist considered me 'anorexic'. Never had any sort of health issues because of my eating disorders.
Now back into restriction. I just don't care anymore.
Please don't follow if you're under the age of 21.
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Twisting deep inside of me,
Forever missing, the glistening.
— SOiL, Unreal.
28. Italy. EDNOS/OSFED.
Flexitarian because of reasons, avoiding meat as much as possible for the environment.
Drugs and alcohol are my only friends.
Blog: [⛔ for friends only ⛔]
Introduction: [here]
Current accountability thread: [here]
◾ Competitions and Challenges ◾
🌈 August Rainbow Challenge 2021
July 10th: -3 (orange)
July 12th: -4 (yellow)
July 26th: -7 (purple)
The August 100% Gold Challenge
SW: 111.7 lbs
❖ The July 100% Gold Challenge
July 10th: 30%
July 12th: 40%
July 26th: 70%
Rank (July 2nd): Stranger
Rank (July 10th): Warhero
Rank (July 12th): Duchess
Rank (July 25th): Empress
✨ GW: 109 lbs ✨
☆ 7th day (August 2nd):
☆ 15th day (August 10th):
#2
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Posted 12 April 2022 - 07:11 AM
I p*rged every bit of solid food I had eaten. All while listening to Crowbar.
The sun outside is shining and everything looks so beautiful and the weather is warmer and I can't go out.
I feel 20 again.
#3
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Posted 13 April 2022 - 12:02 PM
So today I've only had soy milk until 7pm. Then I had a small slice of whole wheat bread because I was nervous.
My father saw I overslept and at 5pm I was still in bed, and instead of asking me if I'm OK he told me I should have done the dishes. The sink was full with all the stuff from his and my brother's breakfast and lunch. Not even a glass from me. As usual. Anyway, I'll have to eat at least some vegetables for dinner. Tomorrow is going to be soy milk in the morning, the same bread for lunch and possibly no dinner. Though it actually depends on when my mother will be home, chances are I'll have to eat a proper meal for lunch. Maybe I'll go out on Friday.
Today.
- breakfast: 750ml soy milk (400-450)
- lunch: one small slice of whole wheat bread (100-120)
- dinner: 750gr boiled vegs (135-150)
Total: more or less 720
It's really not as difficult as I thought once you embrace the fact that the ultimate goal is death.
Current weight: 51 kg. Or 50.8. I can't remember.
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Posted 14 April 2022 - 02:08 AM
I woke up at 5am for some reason. I've only had coffee until now and I'm shaking. I don't feel like drinking soy milk right now, I don't feel like eating. I'm feeling kind of disassociated. I washed myself and cleaned the room. I'm watching videos about horror films. I've had some water for the first time since Tuesday. Ironically, my period has just arrived. I'm not really hungry but I considered eating a protein bar while I was in bed. Of course I didn't. The point is to avoid what keeps me healthy and alive. I'm kind of thinking about pizza because of all the times I had to type "pepperoni pizza" on AoE but whatever. Oh, and I almost had some chicken last night because my father was warming it up in the microwave, I told myself, "if I don't he'll tell my mother I haven't eaten a proper meal in days" so I went to the kitchen and he had put it in the fridge so I got back to my room and played some more before going to sleep. I'm both dreading and anticipating (I think that's the word?) what we'll have for lunch, but it's not really a craving, it's just curiosity. I'm weirdly happy about all this. And so proud of myself.
Today.
- breakfast: coffee
- lunch: bread with cheese
- dinner: chicken, chamomile tea, one protein bar
Total: around 900 calories
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Posted 15 April 2022 - 12:21 AM
I couldn't sleep and I had a moment of weakness. I ate that chicken I was talking about the night before. Just a bit. Then I had some chamomile tea with some sugar in it (it was already added). I stayed awake crying until 5 am. Right after the chamomile tea I had also had a protein bar. I told myself I would fast today but I'm starving and I haven't slept, and the two things never end up well. So I was thinking about planning a b/p. Then I got up, groomed myself, and the hunger subsided. I was about to have some soy milk with coffee but my cat toppled my (tiny) cup, so I just had some coffee. I have no idea how the day will go, I'm not making any plans. I'll probably eat and hate myself because every bite and every calorie is one more day of this unbearable life.
Current weight: 50.8 kg at the second day of my period.
[moved my food intake two posts below]
I was also thinking that I should start having dinner with my father in the living room.
And I just realized I won't have to force myself to eat in front of my mother until the day after tomorrow, I thought today was Saturday.
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Posted 15 April 2022 - 03:37 AM
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Twisting deep inside of me,
Forever missing, the glistening.
— SOiL, Unreal.
28. Italy. EDNOS/OSFED.
Flexitarian because of reasons, avoiding meat as much as possible for the environment.
Drugs and alcohol are my only friends.
Blog: [⛔ for friends only ⛔]
Introduction: [here]
Current accountability thread: [here]
◾ Competitions and Challenges ◾
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Posted 15 April 2022 - 07:52 AM
Listening to Alice in Chains makes me miss him more than usual. And I’m ghosting him as I always do. I want him to hold me sweetly while this song is playing in the studio. I'm dreading the day I will have to tell him that I want him to be with me when the moment will come. He's the only person I have left. I'm so sorry. Everything is just awful.
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Posted 15 April 2022 - 11:02 AM
My father just came telling me he had bought me some vegetables (he hasn't really figured out which ones I like and he always picks the same type and then comes to ask me if they're ok) and asking me if I'll have cod with tomato sauce. I usually don't eat cod because it makes me nauseous but... I'd feel horrible if I refused. I already do because of obvious reasons. What a failure of a daughter.
By the way. Guess who was just "adopted" by a sad, sweet woman in her late 30s on Tumblr? Yeah. She asked me if I want to watch some horror movies together one of these days. I've been following her for a while and this is maybe the second time we talk.
And oh, it's "selfie day" on Facebook/Tumblr/Instagram (I don't like the one in black and white but... whatever). Let's see how long I'll keep this one. That being said, I'll start uploading more pictures now that I'm losing weight, at least on Instagram. Daily, if possible. Instead of screens of pages or blogs I follow, art, other people's contents and whatever, finally I have a reason to share something more real. I think I'll create another profile for my body checks once I'm acceptable enough, around 47 kg.
Today's recap.
- breakfast: coffee
- lunch: bread with cheese again (600); made me nauseous
- dinner: a bit of boiled vegetables, some cod, half a glass of white wine (300-400); for some reason I couldn't drink all that wine...
Total: 1000?
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Posted 16 April 2022 - 02:52 AM
For a moment I felt better. Probably because I haven't cried last night, for once. Or did I? But there's no reason for me to feel better or calmer. And here I am skipping anything that reminds me other people have a life. Can't watch tv, can't watch anything except horror or (some) true crime videos on YouTube.
Today.
- breakfast: coffee, a slice of bread towards 11:30 (200)
- lunch: nothing; nobody noticed (*)
- 6pm: a slice of bread with lactose-free cream cheese (400)
- dinner: more cod, the rest of the vegetables I left in the fridge last night, probably a bit of wine (300) (**)
Total: around 900/1000, depends on whether I decide to have wine or not.
(*) I was about to go and eat some bread with cheese or whatever but I changed my mind when I saw all the dishes in the sink. I did them all day yesterday. They'll still blame me. I'm too tired.
(**) I really had to force myself to eat...
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Posted 16 April 2022 - 04:49 AM
Triggering myself yet again because I have nothing else going on in my useless empty life. I look at her before photos and I'm so jealous.
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Posted 16 April 2022 - 05:01 AM
I just found out xlosthopex (she's a user here) has died. I'm fucking devastated.
[Edit:] I cried and going through her posts I found out from the comments that she killed herself. I feel... so empty. Thank god I couldn't read her last words. I don't think I'd have the strength. My head is spinning.
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Posted 16 April 2022 - 01:56 PM
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I'd give my everything
The pages two and three
The once and forever bloom gone with my sins
Sleep with angels
Call the past for help
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Posted 16 April 2022 - 02:59 PM
I was looking for some thinspo and I found out Dove Cameron is a huge trigger for me but for reasons nobody would ever expect. She reminds me too much of the girl I think A. will eventually end up with. I've always been scared of her. I want to vomit and rip my skin off.
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Posted 16 April 2022 - 11:50 PM
It's not even 10 am, my mother has just arrived and I'm already cutting. I can't breathe and I'm this close to jumping off the window.
CW: 51. After I had coffee and a huge glass of water. Last day of my period.
[Edit 1:]
Shower done. Another brutal depressive episode. Worsened by the fact that when I looked at my legs in the mirror my thought was: "You're huge and this is why no one loves you". I thought I was over this. So many thoughts I can't write right now. I'm alone. And the people who hurt me are happy today. They will have a meal with the people they love and I'm alone with a family that is the cause of my suicidal thoughts and I miss them.
[deleted]
[Edit 2:]
Thankfully my sister isn't there but my mother gave me a very hard time. Started talking about death and war while we were eating. I feel awful. I wanted to leave and she made me stay because, being a female, I have to tidy up after everybody finishes eating.
Today's recap.
- breakfast: coffee
- lunch: I hate this s*it, I NEED TO FEEL EMPTY
- dinner: NO
Edited by rotten_apple, 20 April 2022 - 07:12 AM.
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Posted 17 April 2022 - 04:23 AM
Something about Alice in Chains and Stone Temple Pilots and 90s rock in general makes me want to starve even more.
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Posted 17 April 2022 - 06:06 AM
It's not "I'm too fat and this is why nobody loves me", it's "nobody loves me or ever loved me and this is why I want to die". It's different.
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Posted 18 April 2022 - 12:01 AM
I was wrong, today is the last day of my period. After lunch I stayed at the laptop until 6pm and then I went to bed because I was feeling sick. I think it's been both because of what I ate and the tights I was wearing. I swear I'm fatter than I was two years ago at the same weight. I just had some coffee. I found myself craving food as soon as I woke up but it's weird because I also don't want it somehow. I really have to go out today, I need to take my boots to fix and to go and pick up some clothes I bought recently. I hope they're still there, I lost track of time.
I'm rambling. I just wanted to say I'll have to eat lasagna again for lunch. I was concerned about my cravings since my mother is staying until late in the afternoon, I don't think having breakfast *and* lunch would be a good idea, and I can't let all that food go to waste. I know I'm the only one who cares. Thankfully the cravings are over, I just had some coffee and now I don't even feel like drinking water.
Binging on videos about anorexia.
It's going to be a difficult week with all the leftovers from Easter.
Today's recap.
- breakfast: coffee, a slice of something called... sweet pizza? It's not even a pizza, what?
- lunch: two slices of lasagna, another piece of that "sweet pizza"
dinner: fuck off
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Posted 18 April 2022 - 05:49 AM
It's probably the tomatoes that's making me sick lately. They're everywhere. I'll stay away from them for a while and maybe switch from coffee to matcha tea. I still have that tin to finish. Anyway, the plan for the next days is to finish this awful "sweet pizza" (it's basically a plain bundt cake with some spice I can't identify added to the dough): I'll have a couple of slices for lunch if my father is around... and then I don't know, if I go out I'll probably skip dinner, otherwise we'll eat together.
I think that's all for today. I'll finish watching Paranormal Activity: Next of Kin and go to bed.
Oh. In the meantime... I haven't lost a gram during the last week.
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Posted 18 April 2022 - 12:40 PM
I'm starving. I wish I could get up, binge and vomit everything but I can't. I'll have another slice of that awful pie. Or a protein bar. I don't know. My head hurts. Fuck everything.
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Posted 19 April 2022 - 12:03 AM
It seems my body just doesn't want to lose weight, no matter how much I restrict. Still 51.1 kg.
- breakfast: coffee
- lunch: a protein bar because apparently I want to be fat
- b/p session. Because at this point maybe this is the solution
And now I feel nauseous and I'm hungry again. Because I'm a piece of s*it.
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sw: 215.2lbs (97.6kg) to gw: 120lbs (54.4kg)🖤
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Posted Today, 12:18 AM
weigh in: 154.1lbs… idk if its the medication bc it apparently increases how fast you digest food, the fact that ive been eating less than 800 or the fact that the meds have unsettled my stomach but the weight is falling off lmao and i am not complaining. my moving average is 154.8lbs tho rip
intake:
goodmorninggg, was up most of the night with trapped wind cramps :’) i imagine its gonna be like last time where it lasts a couple days, i just hope i dont get the other stomach pain like yday on top of it! i have 0 plans today (TW) my arm wounds are finally fully healed after 3 and a half months and i no longer have to wear a dressing on them which is so nice bc it means i can have a bath and shower properly without having to stick my arm out so defo gonna have a bath! ive started rewatching american horror story bc i havent seen like the last three seasons bc i got bored by cult i think it was so just lost interest but wanna watch the last seasons so thought id just go from the start. i went to take back a swimsuit i bought the other day i brought the wrong bloody receipt so also need to go to town to do that but i might do that tomorrow as im looking after my sisters dog and im gonna take him to see my old work pals. anywaaayys heres to hoping i dont feel as crap as yday n to chillin out todayy
lunch was celery, cucumber n carrots with salsa n a fibre one bar (bday cake flavour so bloody good) n some hula hoops (219). then im gonna make a chilli thingy for dinner
ive also been forgetting to do my ootds/havent rlly been doing much lol so this was yday
& an outfit i tried on whilst planning holiday outfits, it is gonna be warrmmmm
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Posted Yesterday, 10:45 AM
Dr Pepper, on 01 Jun 2022 - 04:28 AM, said:
Happy June tilldeath! fingers crossed you reach your goal, but the important part is enjoying your vacation of course
you did awesome in May
thank you so much! this is so true, im gonna try really hard to let myself enough it. im gonna take a break from mpa that week and really attempt to push thoughts to the back of my head and allow myself to be free for a week!
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Posted 02 January 2022 - 04:19 AM
Year Summary
▲ 58,3kg (bmi 23,1) ▼ 56,5kg (bmi 22,3)
average intake: 1.490 calories
▲ 57,1kg (bmi 22,6) ▼ 55,6kg (bmi 22,0)
average intake: 1.330 calories
▲ 56,9kg (bmi 22,5) ▼ 55,1kg (bmi 21,8)
average intake: 1.610 calories
idk it was a complete mess
▲ 57,7kg (bmi 22,8) ▼ 55,8kg (bmi 22,1)
lost control again
▲ 58,3kg (bmi 23,1) ▼ 58,0kg (bmi 22,9)
avg intake: 1.570 / avg tdee: 1.800
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Posted 30 April 2022 - 02:59 PM
May Summary
01: 57,1kg (bmi 22,6) / 1.040 calories
02: 56,8kg (bmi 22,5) / 1.180 calories
03: 56,6kg (bmi 22,4) / 1.200 calories
04: 56,8kg (bmi 22,5) / 470 calories
05: 56,6kg (bmi 22,4) / 980 calories
06: 56,4kg (bmi 22,3) / 1.190 calories
07: 56,4kg (bmi 22,3) / 1.100 calories
08: 56,4kg (bmi 22,3) / 1.350 calories
09: 56,4kg (bmi 22,3) / 1.860 calories
10: 56,4kg (bmi 22,3) / 1.280 calories
11: 55,8kg (bmi 22,1) / 1.680 calories
12 to 19: binge festival
20: 57,7kg (bmi 22,8) / 950 calories
21: 57,4kg (bmi 22,7) / 2.430 calories
22: 57,1kg (bmi 22,6) / 960 calories
23 to 31: binge festival again
■ over my tdee (around 1.600 cals)
■ binge (more than 2.000 cals)
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