Chaos and the Calm - Diary of an underperforming overachiever
Started by voiceless, Oct 14 2021 01:57 AM
166 replies to this topic
#1 
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Posted 14 October 2021 - 01:57 AM
UPDATE MAR. 23RD '22
5'6" // 168cm
Gained like 20lbs // 10,0 kg since mid February so all I want is to get down again.
This is more of a journal/diary/brain dump than a food log, but I am planning to incorporate more (food) pictures as soon as I'm back home again in a few weeks.
I'm voiceless, I'm 24 by now, diagnosed with atypical AN, depression, BPD, OCD and GAD.
As far as my ED related goals go I want to get to 99 lbs // 45,0 kg // 15.9 again.
And then it obviously gets lower:
87 lbs // 39,7 kg // 14.2
until my final goal of 78 lbs // 35,4 kg // 12.5
On another note, I'm living alone and I was about to start nursing school which is canceled now because my therapists and doctors don't think I'm stable enough for school. I'm on sick leave now for the rest of 2022 with intermittent IP admissions every 2-3 months for 4 weeks each.
5'6" // 168cm
Gained like 20lbs // 10,0 kg since mid February so all I want is to get down again.
This is more of a journal/diary/brain dump than a food log, but I am planning to incorporate more (food) pictures as soon as I'm back home again in a few weeks.
I'm voiceless, I'm 24 by now, diagnosed with atypical AN, depression, BPD, OCD and GAD.
As far as my ED related goals go I want to get to 99 lbs // 45,0 kg // 15.9 again.
And then it obviously gets lower:
87 lbs // 39,7 kg // 14.2
until my final goal of 78 lbs // 35,4 kg // 12.5
On another note, I'm living alone and I was about to start nursing school which is canceled now because my therapists and doctors don't think I'm stable enough for school. I'm on sick leave now for the rest of 2022 with intermittent IP admissions every 2-3 months for 4 weeks each.
#2
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Posted 17 October 2021 - 01:35 PM
October 17th - Day 0
Reset Day - well night actually.
It's 10:30pm and I just came up with the brilliant idea of cleaning out my cupboards and everything. Because, if there's no food, there's nothing to eat. We have a food sharing place, so I'm just gonna bring everything there tomorrow.
I just found pictures from a few months ago and god do I miss that body. It's 15 punds difference and I'd do anything to get back there. So Resetting is the first step I guess.
Reset Day - well night actually.
It's 10:30pm and I just came up with the brilliant idea of cleaning out my cupboards and everything. Because, if there's no food, there's nothing to eat. We have a food sharing place, so I'm just gonna bring everything there tomorrow.
I just found pictures from a few months ago and god do I miss that body. It's 15 punds difference and I'd do anything to get back there. So Resetting is the first step I guess.
#3
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Posted 18 October 2021 - 04:58 AM
October 18th - Day 1
I decided to start meal prepping. I have a major problem to cook something for myself when I actually wanna eat and usually go for something quick, easy and for the most part too high in cals.
Working in a kitchen 4-5 nights a week isn't helping either. It's a steak house and so there's fries all the time and we're allowed to eat so it's constant snacking. I could go for the salads as that's my part but there's soo much oil in them too, I mean probably still better than fries but it sucks in general.
I'm also planning to get a gym membership again, I just need to figure out how to pay for it as I'm super short on money right now. But I really wanna go. I love running but would never go outside, a treadmill just feels safer and better. I have a lot of anxiety around gyms but I can't get myself to workout at home. I used to do a lot of running on the spot in my apartment but my feet and hips are not a friend of that anymore plus I just can't motivate myself to do any home workouts.
I decided to start meal prepping. I have a major problem to cook something for myself when I actually wanna eat and usually go for something quick, easy and for the most part too high in cals.
Working in a kitchen 4-5 nights a week isn't helping either. It's a steak house and so there's fries all the time and we're allowed to eat so it's constant snacking. I could go for the salads as that's my part but there's soo much oil in them too, I mean probably still better than fries but it sucks in general.
I'm also planning to get a gym membership again, I just need to figure out how to pay for it as I'm super short on money right now. But I really wanna go. I love running but would never go outside, a treadmill just feels safer and better. I have a lot of anxiety around gyms but I can't get myself to workout at home. I used to do a lot of running on the spot in my apartment but my feet and hips are not a friend of that anymore plus I just can't motivate myself to do any home workouts.
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Posted 18 October 2021 - 06:47 PM
October 19th - Day 2
As you might've noticed I don't daily weight updates. That's because I know that daily weigh ins trigger binges.
Also I didn't throw out any food because I just felt too bad about it.
I'm gonna meal prep tomorrow. I'm also gonna post a loose plan and goals. I have a few hours of work tomorrow but I guess it's not gonna be too much so I'm mostly free to do whatever the rest of the day.
I might post bodychecks and today's grocery haul too. We'll see but really wanna spice this thread up a little. Off to sleep now, it's 3:47am.
As you might've noticed I don't daily weight updates. That's because I know that daily weigh ins trigger binges.
Also I didn't throw out any food because I just felt too bad about it.
I'm gonna meal prep tomorrow. I'm also gonna post a loose plan and goals. I have a few hours of work tomorrow but I guess it's not gonna be too much so I'm mostly free to do whatever the rest of the day.
I might post bodychecks and today's grocery haul too. We'll see but really wanna spice this thread up a little. Off to sleep now, it's 3:47am.
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Posted 19 October 2021 - 11:50 AM
>> GOALS & PLANS <<
There's no such thing as the ultimate goal for me. I have a picture of me in my mind that I want to attain, don't know if I'll ever get there, don't know if it's even attainable or any weight will actually get me there but here are some numbers because why not.
105.8lbs || 48,0kg - 17.2
98.98lbs || 44,9kg - 16.1 (by December 1st)
94.79lbs || 43,0kg - 15.4 (by New Year's)
91.27lbs || 41,4kg - 14.8
87.96lbs || 39,9kg - 14.3
81.57lbs || 37,0kg - 13.3
76.94lbs || 34,9kg - 12.5
I know that nothing of that is compatible with going to nursing school, which I will be doing starting mid March '22 but to be honest the urge to go down that rabbit hole once more is just too strong.
I'm planning on doing OMAD. That feels the most doable thing as I usually only eat twice per day anyway (and then comes the mindless out of boredom snacking). I bought tons of soup yesterday that is around 100cals per portion each +/- And as it's getting cold anyway, I guess that's a perfect way to be restricting.
I can't get my gym membership before November because I'm broke af and that sucks like a lot. But I really hope it's gonna work out by then.
I also really miss the opportunity of being so much at work because I used to have a TDEE of 2300-2700 last time this year as I was working like crazy. That was also kinda the reason why I went back to this job with the exception that my entire life changed in the meantime. I might actually talk to my boss tho about getting more hours.
Here are some bodychecks from today as well. I really hope to be able to post progression pics by December instead of reverse thinspo.
There's no such thing as the ultimate goal for me. I have a picture of me in my mind that I want to attain, don't know if I'll ever get there, don't know if it's even attainable or any weight will actually get me there but here are some numbers because why not.
105.8lbs || 48,0kg - 17.2
98.98lbs || 44,9kg - 16.1 (by December 1st)
94.79lbs || 43,0kg - 15.4 (by New Year's)
91.27lbs || 41,4kg - 14.8
87.96lbs || 39,9kg - 14.3
81.57lbs || 37,0kg - 13.3
76.94lbs || 34,9kg - 12.5
I know that nothing of that is compatible with going to nursing school, which I will be doing starting mid March '22 but to be honest the urge to go down that rabbit hole once more is just too strong.
I'm planning on doing OMAD. That feels the most doable thing as I usually only eat twice per day anyway (and then comes the mindless out of boredom snacking). I bought tons of soup yesterday that is around 100cals per portion each +/- And as it's getting cold anyway, I guess that's a perfect way to be restricting.
I can't get my gym membership before November because I'm broke af and that sucks like a lot. But I really hope it's gonna work out by then.
I also really miss the opportunity of being so much at work because I used to have a TDEE of 2300-2700 last time this year as I was working like crazy. That was also kinda the reason why I went back to this job with the exception that my entire life changed in the meantime. I might actually talk to my boss tho about getting more hours.
Here are some bodychecks from today as well. I really hope to be able to post progression pics by December instead of reverse thinspo.
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Posted 21 October 2021 - 02:38 AM
October 21st - Day 4
110.6lbs || 50,2kg - 18.0
This is by the way what my "OMAD" currently looks like: 100g boiled potato, 108g Broccoli, 42g chicken, 10g random sauce, comes to a total of 167cals
I say omad in quotation marks because I fucked up yesterday and I think I need to adjust again first coming from 24/7 eating and snacking. But I ate and snacked significantly less yesterday already so we're getting there.
It's pretty obvious tho, given the calorie content of that meal, I'll end up bingeing eventually or keep snacking throughout the day. So I definitely need to make some adjustments. I just really hate cooking in my tiny kitchen. It's awful, I usually love cooking but not in my new apartment. So I'm probably gonna have to come up with some meal that's not cooking, aka yoghurt or sth. Especially because I have so much greek yoghurt in my fridge that needs to be eaten.
110.6lbs || 50,2kg - 18.0
This is by the way what my "OMAD" currently looks like: 100g boiled potato, 108g Broccoli, 42g chicken, 10g random sauce, comes to a total of 167cals
I say omad in quotation marks because I fucked up yesterday and I think I need to adjust again first coming from 24/7 eating and snacking. But I ate and snacked significantly less yesterday already so we're getting there.
It's pretty obvious tho, given the calorie content of that meal, I'll end up bingeing eventually or keep snacking throughout the day. So I definitely need to make some adjustments. I just really hate cooking in my tiny kitchen. It's awful, I usually love cooking but not in my new apartment. So I'm probably gonna have to come up with some meal that's not cooking, aka yoghurt or sth. Especially because I have so much greek yoghurt in my fridge that needs to be eaten.
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Posted 21 October 2021 - 02:27 PM
It's late nights that kill my progress every damn time. I just binged. Salted peanuts, ice cream, pickles. Weird combination I know. But why am I this stupid. I should've just gone to bed when I got tired the first time and not keep myself up. And watching friends just really makes me crave pizza. I just wanna be 98lbs again. Can it really be that hard?!
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Posted 23 October 2021 - 01:57 PM
October 23rd - Day 6
I'm mentally as unstable as I haven't been in probably 2 years. I'm on a selfharm spree on top of forcing myself to stay awake for hile working as much as possible.
Foodwise it went pretty well today. I had two slizes of toast with some salted butter and salami and a yogurt when I came back from work.
I have work again tomorrow morning, so I'm about to try and get some sleep after staying up all night yesterday.
I'm gonna weigh myself tomorrow. I dread it and am already anxious about it but I just have to know.
I'm mentally as unstable as I haven't been in probably 2 years. I'm on a selfharm spree on top of forcing myself to stay awake for hile working as much as possible.
Foodwise it went pretty well today. I had two slizes of toast with some salted butter and salami and a yogurt when I came back from work.
I have work again tomorrow morning, so I'm about to try and get some sleep after staying up all night yesterday.
I'm gonna weigh myself tomorrow. I dread it and am already anxious about it but I just have to know.
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Posted 24 October 2021 - 09:56 AM
October 24th - Day 7
108.0lbs || 49,0kg || 17.6
I had work this morning. I was so tired and just wanted to go home even though I only did a little more than 2 hours.
My boss brought me a fruit salad, she always does, but I had to throw it out because I hadn't weighed myself before work. Had to keep the bandages on for work and didn't want to weigh myself with them on, obviously.
I feel so bad for waisting food but I know I'm a hypocrite when it comes to that.
Weigh in was unexpectedly positive today so I'm happy about that.
I took a nap after that and woke up with a headache. Love it.
For breakfast/lunch I had a chocolate yogurt (150 cals)
After nap "snack" was a huge cup of vegetable broth (3 cals)
And now dinner is turnip with some white sauce and herbs. I calculated the entire portion I made (about 5times the amount in the picture) that would've been 378 cals but I don't think I can manage to eat all of that.
108.0lbs || 49,0kg || 17.6
I had work this morning. I was so tired and just wanted to go home even though I only did a little more than 2 hours.
My boss brought me a fruit salad, she always does, but I had to throw it out because I hadn't weighed myself before work. Had to keep the bandages on for work and didn't want to weigh myself with them on, obviously.
I feel so bad for waisting food but I know I'm a hypocrite when it comes to that.
Weigh in was unexpectedly positive today so I'm happy about that.
I took a nap after that and woke up with a headache. Love it.
For breakfast/lunch I had a chocolate yogurt (150 cals)
After nap "snack" was a huge cup of vegetable broth (3 cals)
And now dinner is turnip with some white sauce and herbs. I calculated the entire portion I made (about 5times the amount in the picture) that would've been 378 cals but I don't think I can manage to eat all of that.
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Posted 25 October 2021 - 04:47 AM
October 25th - Day 8
I binged last night. Again. I felt the urge coming, felt it increasing, getting worse and worse by the minute. I thought I could avoid it because at first I was only craving something sweet and chocolaty, so I had a piece of chocolate and pineapple. Instead of going away it just got worse though. So I ended up having the entire left over chocolate bar, salted peanuts, a teaspoon of chocolate spread and even made myself pasta at 11pm with a v high cal sauce (there was oil and cream so you can figure).
I hate how the urges always get the best of me. And I hate how I can only go completely nuts with restriction aka below 500 or be a pig.
So yes, this time I'm really gonna give my food away. I'm so broke every month that I can't actually afford buying as much food as I did the last month anyway. So I'm gonna make a staple grocery list with stuff that I'm allowed to buy and only that is allowed to be kept in my house too.
Instant soups (up to 30cal/100ml)
Crisp bread (tho still contemplating on that because that could turn into a binge too)
Cream Cheese
Sparkling Water
Zero sugar soda and energy drinks
Almond milk
All kinds of tea
Non starchy vegetables
Pickles
Apples, Grapes, Pineapple, Kaki, Pomelo, Oranges, Pears
Salad
Sriracha, Mustard, Vinegar, Erythritol
Boil-in-the-bag rice
Canned tomatoes, beans, tuna
Fresh fish (w/o breading)
Pre-packaged bread
I can't think of anything else right now.
My non-work day TDEE is around 1700, work days it's around 2100. So I think I'll go for 700 cals a day in order to have a decent deficit. I know I don't have trouble with eating less but it's the cravings that get me. I've seen so many articles about "If you're craving this, you're missing that [insert magnesium, calcium, whatever element] in your diet" idk how accurate that shit is and tbh I really don't want to take supplements but I might try if it works.
I'm positive that I'll be able to get a gym membership next month so that's gonna be included too. I'm so excited already. I know I'm just gonna end up on the treadmill or stair master but I don't care.
I binged last night. Again. I felt the urge coming, felt it increasing, getting worse and worse by the minute. I thought I could avoid it because at first I was only craving something sweet and chocolaty, so I had a piece of chocolate and pineapple. Instead of going away it just got worse though. So I ended up having the entire left over chocolate bar, salted peanuts, a teaspoon of chocolate spread and even made myself pasta at 11pm with a v high cal sauce (there was oil and cream so you can figure).
I hate how the urges always get the best of me. And I hate how I can only go completely nuts with restriction aka below 500 or be a pig.
So yes, this time I'm really gonna give my food away. I'm so broke every month that I can't actually afford buying as much food as I did the last month anyway. So I'm gonna make a staple grocery list with stuff that I'm allowed to buy and only that is allowed to be kept in my house too.
Instant soups (up to 30cal/100ml)Crisp bread (tho still contemplating on that because that could turn into a binge too)Cream CheeseSparkling WaterZero sugar soda and energy drinksAlmond milkAll kinds of teaNon starchy vegetablesPicklesApples, Grapes, Pineapple, Kaki, Pomelo, Oranges, PearsSaladSriracha, Mustard, Vinegar, ErythritolBoil-in-the-bag riceCanned tomatoes, beans, tunaFresh fish (w/o breading)Pre-packaged breadI can't think of anything else right now.
My non-work day TDEE is around 1700, work days it's around 2100. So I think I'll go for 700 cals a day in order to have a decent deficit. I know I don't have trouble with eating less but it's the cravings that get me. I've seen so many articles about "If you're craving this, you're missing that [insert magnesium, calcium, whatever element] in your diet" idk how accurate that shit is and tbh I really don't want to take supplements but I might try if it works.
I'm positive that I'll be able to get a gym membership next month so that's gonna be included too. I'm so excited already. I know I'm just gonna end up on the treadmill or stair master but I don't care.
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Posted 28 October 2021 - 02:55 AM
October 28th - Day 11
Things are not going well. I'm so depressed and burnt out. My ex is sick again, so that means more work for me and my other coworker. I'm seriously considering to go IP for two weeks just to get some rest and also lose some weight lmao.
My weight is probably going up and up. I didn't weigh myself though because I'm just way too scared. I don't know how I'm gonna be 98 lbs by December first. I'm really hoping to get the gym membership next month tho. Maybe I can get it this weekend already, we'll see. Otherwise I'll go there next Tuesday. Yay, I'm really excited and looking forward to it. I know that won't fix everything because I still have to stop eating but it takes my mind off of things and keeps me busy so that's good.
I just sent them an email to make an appointment. I expect them to reply soon.
I just feel myself slipping back into old habits and thought patterns. Especially that IP thing I mentioned above. It's stupid but it's always been a safe haven to me and I know I lose weight very easily when I'm there. Guess that makes me a wannarexic again if I can't just simply do it but that's whatever.
Things are not going well. I'm so depressed and burnt out. My ex is sick again, so that means more work for me and my other coworker. I'm seriously considering to go IP for two weeks just to get some rest and also lose some weight lmao.
My weight is probably going up and up. I didn't weigh myself though because I'm just way too scared. I don't know how I'm gonna be 98 lbs by December first. I'm really hoping to get the gym membership next month tho. Maybe I can get it this weekend already, we'll see. Otherwise I'll go there next Tuesday. Yay, I'm really excited and looking forward to it. I know that won't fix everything because I still have to stop eating but it takes my mind off of things and keeps me busy so that's good.
I just sent them an email to make an appointment. I expect them to reply soon.
I just feel myself slipping back into old habits and thought patterns. Especially that IP thing I mentioned above. It's stupid but it's always been a safe haven to me and I know I lose weight very easily when I'm there. Guess that makes me a wannarexic again if I can't just simply do it but that's whatever.
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Posted 29 October 2021 - 01:38 AM
October 29th - Day 12
I tried not to weigh myself again today but I took a shower and just couldn't resist the scales.
After my binge frenzy the past days I'm back to 111.3lbs // 50,5 kg // 18.1
On a positive note though, I made an appointment at the gym. It's Sunday afternoon and I can't wait for it tbh.
When I get the gym membership I plan on mostly doing cardio.
I have major gym anxiety though and I know people always judge others who just spend 3 hours on the dreadmill. But I'm really trying not to care. I'm gonna go in the mornings (7 or 8am) so there's maybe some elderly people and a few who exercise before work. So I just hope that's gonna ease the anxiety a bit.
I kinda want to go every day but I know that's not the best idea. Maybe I go 5 days and skip the two I have extra long shifts aka work in the late morning and at night.
I might include some strength training just to let my muscles know they're still needed. Then again I just don't care if I lose all muscle mass and I won't be eating enough to fuel them anyway.
I won't weigh myself again until Sunday to have kind of a starting weight. I'm also gonna take my measurements if I can find my tape and take bodycheck pictures.
I'm really struggling to keep up with time atm. As in I never know what day or time it is. I've completely lost track 4 weeks ago already or so I believe. It's Friday today and I've been thinking it's Saturday since Monday already.
I'm still so tired too. There's no day off in sight, maybe Sunday if we don't have more guests coming in. Which I hope. I really have to clean my apartment because it looks like a depression pit. But I don't know if I can do it on Sunday because usually days off are for doing absolutely nothing and staying in bed as I can't bring myself to do anything else after and before working so much.
I tried not to weigh myself again today but I took a shower and just couldn't resist the scales.
After my binge frenzy the past days I'm back to 111.3lbs // 50,5 kg // 18.1
On a positive note though, I made an appointment at the gym. It's Sunday afternoon and I can't wait for it tbh.
When I get the gym membership I plan on mostly doing cardio.
I have major gym anxiety though and I know people always judge others who just spend 3 hours on the dreadmill. But I'm really trying not to care. I'm gonna go in the mornings (7 or 8am) so there's maybe some elderly people and a few who exercise before work. So I just hope that's gonna ease the anxiety a bit.
I kinda want to go every day but I know that's not the best idea. Maybe I go 5 days and skip the two I have extra long shifts aka work in the late morning and at night.
I might include some strength training just to let my muscles know they're still needed. Then again I just don't care if I lose all muscle mass and I won't be eating enough to fuel them anyway.
I won't weigh myself again until Sunday to have kind of a starting weight. I'm also gonna take my measurements if I can find my tape and take bodycheck pictures.
I'm really struggling to keep up with time atm. As in I never know what day or time it is. I've completely lost track 4 weeks ago already or so I believe. It's Friday today and I've been thinking it's Saturday since Monday already.
I'm still so tired too. There's no day off in sight, maybe Sunday if we don't have more guests coming in. Which I hope. I really have to clean my apartment because it looks like a depression pit. But I don't know if I can do it on Sunday because usually days off are for doing absolutely nothing and staying in bed as I can't bring myself to do anything else after and before working so much.
#13
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Posted 31 October 2021 - 07:17 AM
October 31st - Day 14
111.1lbs // 50,4kg // 18.1
I made it to the gym today. I got myself a membership and a trainer showed me around. I'll go there again on Wednesday to create a workout plan with him so I don't train some random shit.
Also, I'm sick. I caught a cold and my nose is all blocked on top of my headache. I'm gonna stay in bed the rest of the day, in hopes I feel better by tomorrow. If so, I'll go to the gym for a cardio session.
The guy asked me about my goals and I said yeah wanna build some back muscles because I'm becoming a nurse and my back is just fucked already and that I want to mix in some cardio as well. I really do wanna build muscles but I also really really wanna do like 3hrs of cardio a day so I lose fast, but obviously didn't want to tell him that lol.
I have 12lbs to lose within the next month. I know that seems kinda insane but I think I can actually do it.
I did some calculations, I know the body is no machine or computer but let's say it was it could go like this:
1000 cal intake, 1750 cals burnt in the gym, 1800 work+bmr = 2550 TDEE x 7 = 17.850 cals burnt per week, divided by 7000 for losing 2lbs/1kg of fat = 5.6lbs/2,55kg loss per week
Counting in some messing up and bad days, I could lose those 12lbs. I have to lose those 12lbs.
111.1lbs // 50,4kg // 18.1
I made it to the gym today. I got myself a membership and a trainer showed me around. I'll go there again on Wednesday to create a workout plan with him so I don't train some random shit.
Also, I'm sick. I caught a cold and my nose is all blocked on top of my headache. I'm gonna stay in bed the rest of the day, in hopes I feel better by tomorrow. If so, I'll go to the gym for a cardio session.
The guy asked me about my goals and I said yeah wanna build some back muscles because I'm becoming a nurse and my back is just fucked already and that I want to mix in some cardio as well. I really do wanna build muscles but I also really really wanna do like 3hrs of cardio a day so I lose fast, but obviously didn't want to tell him that lol.
I have 12lbs to lose within the next month. I know that seems kinda insane but I think I can actually do it.
I did some calculations, I know the body is no machine or computer but let's say it was it could go like this:
1000 cal intake, 1750 cals burnt in the gym, 1800 work+bmr = 2550 TDEE x 7 = 17.850 cals burnt per week, divided by 7000 for losing 2lbs/1kg of fat = 5.6lbs/2,55kg loss per week
Counting in some messing up and bad days, I could lose those 12lbs. I have to lose those 12lbs.
#14
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Posted 01 November 2021 - 11:53 AM
November 1st - Day 15
It's November, yay! Now I can start watching all the Christmas movies.
I went to the gym this morning, did an hour of running on the treadmill. Burnt 511 cals according to my watch. So that means I really have to step up the game.
So I basically have to write 4 different plans as I have off-work days, Sundays, night/long-shift days and two-shift days. The timestamp on the last one is just an estimation as work is always different and I never really know how long my shifts go.
Off Work Days
7am - 2h treadmill
8pm - 1h weights & 1h stair climber
750 cal intake
2.5l water
Sundays
4pm - 2h treadmill & 2h stair climber
750 cal intake
2.5l water
Night/Long Shift Days
7am - 1h treadmill, 1h stair climber & 1h weights
900 cal intake
2.5l water
Two Shift Days
12pm - 1h treadmill, 1h stair climber & 1h weights
900 cal intake
2.5l water
I'm also gonna start counting calories again so I actually know what I'm doing there. I put down the amount I have to drink because I'm terrified of water retention and I usually don't drink more than a cup if water a day so definitely have to improve there as well.
I figured I'm gonna do OMAD on days I have work because I have no trouble skipping meals until I go to work and then I usually binge after work so I can just spare my calories until I get back home.
I might start creating a low calorie recipe book with easy go to meals, plan out several days in advance what I'm gonna eat in hopes that I can stop mindless snacking and buying unnecessary food.
Tomorrow I'm going at 7am as I have a night/long shift. This way I have time to rest before work and still accomplished something. The opening times of my gym a kinda shitty but I can work around it if I do it like above.
I know this sounds excruciating and I'm sure it will be but I'm mentally so miserable at the moment that I just don't care and at least this way I can forget about the pain.
I'm unsure when to do weigh ins. I'm having the strongest urges to weigh myself every day but I know I'm gonna be upset like crazy if I gain just one ounce and it usually sends me down the binge hole. So maybe only every other day? Because once a week is just too hard.
Today's outfit btw. I think I might post a selfie every day now as a streak for the entire month or until I reach my goals because that might keep me more motivated.
I mean no one is reading this thread anyway I guess, so it's kinda pointless but maybe it still keeps me going.
It's November, yay! Now I can start watching all the Christmas movies.
I went to the gym this morning, did an hour of running on the treadmill. Burnt 511 cals according to my watch. So that means I really have to step up the game.
So I basically have to write 4 different plans as I have off-work days, Sundays, night/long-shift days and two-shift days. The timestamp on the last one is just an estimation as work is always different and I never really know how long my shifts go.
Off Work Days
7am - 2h treadmill
8pm - 1h weights & 1h stair climber
750 cal intake
2.5l water
Sundays
4pm - 2h treadmill & 2h stair climber
750 cal intake
2.5l water
Night/Long Shift Days
7am - 1h treadmill, 1h stair climber & 1h weights
900 cal intake
2.5l water
Two Shift Days
12pm - 1h treadmill, 1h stair climber & 1h weights
900 cal intake
2.5l water
I'm also gonna start counting calories again so I actually know what I'm doing there. I put down the amount I have to drink because I'm terrified of water retention and I usually don't drink more than a cup if water a day so definitely have to improve there as well.
I figured I'm gonna do OMAD on days I have work because I have no trouble skipping meals until I go to work and then I usually binge after work so I can just spare my calories until I get back home.
I might start creating a low calorie recipe book with easy go to meals, plan out several days in advance what I'm gonna eat in hopes that I can stop mindless snacking and buying unnecessary food.
Tomorrow I'm going at 7am as I have a night/long shift. This way I have time to rest before work and still accomplished something. The opening times of my gym a kinda shitty but I can work around it if I do it like above.
I know this sounds excruciating and I'm sure it will be but I'm mentally so miserable at the moment that I just don't care and at least this way I can forget about the pain.
I'm unsure when to do weigh ins. I'm having the strongest urges to weigh myself every day but I know I'm gonna be upset like crazy if I gain just one ounce and it usually sends me down the binge hole. So maybe only every other day? Because once a week is just too hard.
Today's outfit btw. I think I might post a selfie every day now as a streak for the entire month or until I reach my goals because that might keep me more motivated.
I mean no one is reading this thread anyway I guess, so it's kinda pointless but maybe it still keeps me going.
#15
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Posted 03 November 2021 - 12:15 AM
November 3rd - Day 17
111.1lbs // 50,4kg // 18.1
I burnt 2967 cals yesterday. Doing 75 minutes on the treadmill, 15 minutes stair climber and 20 minutes weight training plus work in the evening. That is obviously less than I intended to do but I'll get there eventually.
After work I came home and had a mini binge on bread rolls and crisp bread with butter and jam and a bowl of cereal. Yeah that's why I can't keep stuff like that in my apartment.
Technically I'm not allowed to complain about my weight. I'm very good at messing it up and staying the same weight or gaining because of my stupid eating habits.
I rethought my plan and think I have to change up the meal times. Post gym I'm pretty hungry and going into work hungry is a very very bad idea with all those fries and stuff around me. So I might do fruit/veggies after the gym and a protein packed meal before work. After work I can have soup which comes to around 200 cals depending on the flavor.
111.1lbs // 50,4kg // 18.1
I burnt 2967 cals yesterday. Doing 75 minutes on the treadmill, 15 minutes stair climber and 20 minutes weight training plus work in the evening. That is obviously less than I intended to do but I'll get there eventually.
After work I came home and had a mini binge on bread rolls and crisp bread with butter and jam and a bowl of cereal. Yeah that's why I can't keep stuff like that in my apartment.
Technically I'm not allowed to complain about my weight. I'm very good at messing it up and staying the same weight or gaining because of my stupid eating habits.
I rethought my plan and think I have to change up the meal times. Post gym I'm pretty hungry and going into work hungry is a very very bad idea with all those fries and stuff around me. So I might do fruit/veggies after the gym and a protein packed meal before work. After work I can have soup which comes to around 200 cals depending on the flavor.
#16
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Posted 03 November 2021 - 01:26 AM
Following. I relate to the term underperforming overachiever so, so much.
undiagnosed restrictive bs
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BMI 23 22 21 20 19 maintenance
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fasting accountability
https://www.myproana...accountability/
.
#17
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Posted 03 November 2021 - 03:18 PM
kissmyabs, on 03 Nov 2021 - 01:26 AM, said:
Ayy, my first follower. Thank you so much!Following. I relate to the term underperforming overachiever so, so much.
Yeah that's my character tbh xD
#18
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Posted 03 November 2021 - 03:31 PM
Day 17 - evening
I went to the gym twice today. One hour in the morning to set up my workout plan with one of the employees and then after I finished work for a quick cardio session on the treadmill. The latter ended up burning 384cals.
I just had to go twice because I felt so lazy after barely doing anything in the morning and not much activity at work.
The number this evening kills me inside though because I so desperately wanted it to be 400 cals but I accidentally pushed the emergency stop button when I was doing sprints and then I felt to awkward and anxious to start over especially because they were about to close the gym within the next 10 minutes. I'm still upset about it tbh.
Food wise it was a lot better today although I still feel like I ate too much.
I had some grapes (maybe a handful), 2 boiled eggs and 2tbsp carrot salad with some french dressing while I was at work.
Estimated 400 cals and very unsure and anxious that I forgot about something.
Also I took pictures at the gym earlier and oh my god, I look so horrible in them. My thighs look huge and I definitely can stand to lose another 20lbs.
I'm off to sleep now and will think about how to go about tomorrow before I actually drift off to nightmare land.
I went to the gym twice today. One hour in the morning to set up my workout plan with one of the employees and then after I finished work for a quick cardio session on the treadmill. The latter ended up burning 384cals.
I just had to go twice because I felt so lazy after barely doing anything in the morning and not much activity at work.
The number this evening kills me inside though because I so desperately wanted it to be 400 cals but I accidentally pushed the emergency stop button when I was doing sprints and then I felt to awkward and anxious to start over especially because they were about to close the gym within the next 10 minutes. I'm still upset about it tbh.
Food wise it was a lot better today although I still feel like I ate too much.
I had some grapes (maybe a handful), 2 boiled eggs and 2tbsp carrot salad with some french dressing while I was at work.
Estimated 400 cals and very unsure and anxious that I forgot about something.
Also I took pictures at the gym earlier and oh my god, I look so horrible in them. My thighs look huge and I definitely can stand to lose another 20lbs.
I'm off to sleep now and will think about how to go about tomorrow before I actually drift off to nightmare land.
#19
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Posted 06 November 2021 - 03:47 AM
November 6th - Day 20
And this is why I'm an underperforming overachiever. I set goal after goal and I mess up every single time. I managed to do so well until I went to worl yesterday. Then the binge began. Fries, with mayo and ketchup obvs, my coworker asked if I wanted to take the leftover veggies home which were drowning in fat and cream, I then went bibge shopping after work and now I have 2 pizzas at home next to candy, ice cream, baby food, chocolate and some other stuff that I now, the morning after, just want to throw out again. I think this month I've already spent $50 on groceries just to throw everything away again. I'm such a food waster.
I really wanna know how bad the damage is from yesterday but I'm so afraid to weigh myself, yet I can't distract myself from the thought of stepping on the scale.
I was 108.6lbs // 49,3kg on Thursday, 109.7lbs // 49,8kg yesterday, probably because I dran a shit ton in the evening and today...
Overall, my mental health is just deteriorating. I'm suicidal, I want to hurt myself over this stupid ED, I want to give away my dog because I just can't handle her, I want to quit my job, I still haven't cleaned my apartment and it looks like absolute hell in here, I shower once a week, same with teeth brushing, I can barely get my ass out of bed to go to work. That's where I act as if everything's fine but really I just want to hide under my blanket in the dark until I'm finally less of a wimp and kill myself.
And this is why I'm an underperforming overachiever. I set goal after goal and I mess up every single time. I managed to do so well until I went to worl yesterday. Then the binge began. Fries, with mayo and ketchup obvs, my coworker asked if I wanted to take the leftover veggies home which were drowning in fat and cream, I then went bibge shopping after work and now I have 2 pizzas at home next to candy, ice cream, baby food, chocolate and some other stuff that I now, the morning after, just want to throw out again. I think this month I've already spent $50 on groceries just to throw everything away again. I'm such a food waster.
I really wanna know how bad the damage is from yesterday but I'm so afraid to weigh myself, yet I can't distract myself from the thought of stepping on the scale.
I was 108.6lbs // 49,3kg on Thursday, 109.7lbs // 49,8kg yesterday, probably because I dran a shit ton in the evening and today...
Overall, my mental health is just deteriorating. I'm suicidal, I want to hurt myself over this stupid ED, I want to give away my dog because I just can't handle her, I want to quit my job, I still haven't cleaned my apartment and it looks like absolute hell in here, I shower once a week, same with teeth brushing, I can barely get my ass out of bed to go to work. That's where I act as if everything's fine but really I just want to hide under my blanket in the dark until I'm finally less of a wimp and kill myself.
#20
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Posted 06 November 2021 - 05:31 AM
I have to change. Fast and long term.
I'm bingeing again, after having a complete meltdown over my weigh in. You might think that'd trigger me into restricting even harder but no, it doesn't. It never did.
I know I posted quite a few plans for my weight loss in this thread already but as everyone was able to see, I'm not getting anywhere. This is why I'm taking today to think of a more sustainable and doable way to get to my UGW. As detailed as possible, as strict as possible, as achievable as possible.
Everything is so overwhelming right now that it shouldn't be too hard. The binge trap is actually work so I have to figure out how to get that sorted.
I'm bingeing again, after having a complete meltdown over my weigh in. You might think that'd trigger me into restricting even harder but no, it doesn't. It never did.
I know I posted quite a few plans for my weight loss in this thread already but as everyone was able to see, I'm not getting anywhere. This is why I'm taking today to think of a more sustainable and doable way to get to my UGW. As detailed as possible, as strict as possible, as achievable as possible.
Everything is so overwhelming right now that it shouldn't be too hard. The binge trap is actually work so I have to figure out how to get that sorted.
Chaos and the Calm - Diary of an underperforming overachiever
Started by voiceless, Oct 14 2021 01:57 AM
166 replies to this topic
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Posted 03 February 2022 - 04:33 AM
February 3rd - Day 109
Weight: unknown
I will quickly go home on Saturday just so I can weigh myself.
Breakfast 93 cals
Lunch, 2nd pic is what I actually ate cal guess around 200
Dinner will be the same as breakfast plus veggie broth, which I decided I'm not gonna eat and not order again because I'm actually too scared of the salt in it.
Eating is getting harder again. I don't know why I go through phases where I'm absolutely fine with eating, the thoughts are still there but not strong enough for me to care about and then I have phases where I could cry about a piece of lettuce and freak out hours before a meal. Maybe after all I don't have anorexia but EDNOS or you know just disordered eating, which is probably the most likely option.
I had a pretty shitty night, fell asleep very late, had my sleeping pills next to my bed but no water and was too afraid to go and get some in the other room. I woke up every hour or so and had to get up at 7:30 to get ready.
Appointment with my therapist went quite okay yesterday, although his hearing is very bad and I have to talk so loud which is super exhausting as I'm a very quiet talker. I'll see him again this afternoon after group therapy which I'm absolutely anxious about and really don't want to go but I won't be able to skip it. I'm already skipping sports therapy this evening because I've been freaking out about it since yesterday evening. Well I hope I can skip it without getting in trouble. Definitely gonna have to go once a week starting next week though.
I spend most of my time in my room, crocheting my blanket and laying in bed because dealing with other people is just not an option. Not yet at least.
Weight: unknown
I will quickly go home on Saturday just so I can weigh myself.
Breakfast 93 cals
Lunch, 2nd pic is what I actually ate cal guess around 200
Dinner will be the same as breakfast plus veggie broth, which I decided I'm not gonna eat and not order again because I'm actually too scared of the salt in it.
Eating is getting harder again. I don't know why I go through phases where I'm absolutely fine with eating, the thoughts are still there but not strong enough for me to care about and then I have phases where I could cry about a piece of lettuce and freak out hours before a meal. Maybe after all I don't have anorexia but EDNOS or you know just disordered eating, which is probably the most likely option.
I had a pretty shitty night, fell asleep very late, had my sleeping pills next to my bed but no water and was too afraid to go and get some in the other room. I woke up every hour or so and had to get up at 7:30 to get ready.
Appointment with my therapist went quite okay yesterday, although his hearing is very bad and I have to talk so loud which is super exhausting as I'm a very quiet talker. I'll see him again this afternoon after group therapy which I'm absolutely anxious about and really don't want to go but I won't be able to skip it. I'm already skipping sports therapy this evening because I've been freaking out about it since yesterday evening. Well I hope I can skip it without getting in trouble. Definitely gonna have to go once a week starting next week though.
I spend most of my time in my room, crocheting my blanket and laying in bed because dealing with other people is just not an option. Not yet at least.
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Posted 04 February 2022 - 02:26 AM
February 4th - Day 110
Weight: unknown but will be able to weigh myself tomorrow when I go home for half an hour.
I just had ward round with the head of department and it was horrible. I started crying which definitely wasn't planned and made me even more anxious in front of 3 people.
I basically feel like a lost cause because everyone's super terrified and shocked by my sh wounds/scars. They said they might not be the right clinic for me, so I'm still on probation and have to wait at least until next wednesday until they decide to keep me or send me back home.
The doctor also put me on seroquel xr 100mg and now I'm freaking out about weight gain. So much so that I'm contemplating to only pretend taking it but idk if they can check it in my blood sooo... I'm also excited to see how tired I get because the non xr version of seroquel knocks me out with the smallest dosage in just half an hour.
I also got promethazine just in case I can't sleep at night but it's not mandatory that I take it. Not yet at least.
I probably have to get blood drawn every once in awhile because my hemoglobin is super low, but apparently not death-worryingly low so I just think to myself that I should sh so it gets deathly low. Never knew I could kill myself with that as well. Gosh how fucked up my brain is.
Weight: unknown but will be able to weigh myself tomorrow when I go home for half an hour.
I just had ward round with the head of department and it was horrible. I started crying which definitely wasn't planned and made me even more anxious in front of 3 people.
I basically feel like a lost cause because everyone's super terrified and shocked by my sh wounds/scars. They said they might not be the right clinic for me, so I'm still on probation and have to wait at least until next wednesday until they decide to keep me or send me back home.
The doctor also put me on seroquel xr 100mg and now I'm freaking out about weight gain. So much so that I'm contemplating to only pretend taking it but idk if they can check it in my blood sooo... I'm also excited to see how tired I get because the non xr version of seroquel knocks me out with the smallest dosage in just half an hour.
I also got promethazine just in case I can't sleep at night but it's not mandatory that I take it. Not yet at least.
I probably have to get blood drawn every once in awhile because my hemoglobin is super low, but apparently not death-worryingly low so I just think to myself that I should sh so it gets deathly low. Never knew I could kill myself with that as well. Gosh how fucked up my brain is.
#63
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Posted 04 February 2022 - 12:26 PM
Weigh in tomorrow at home and as my roommate will be gone until Sunday noon, I'll take lax in hopes everything works out time wise and the literally shittiest part will be over until she comes back. Haven't had a BM since Tuesday and probably won't for a while given the quantities I'm eating.
I just had a talk with the same nurse I talked to last night and she basically said that nursing is not the right job for me (after talking to me once for 3 minutes yesterday and today) and then proceeded to tell me again that I'm gonna grt kicked out if I sh or if I lose any weight. I'm so pretty and have a great personality, asking me if I can't see that. Well Karen, maybe this job isn't the right one for you for fucks sake. How can someone be so insensitive. She triggered the shit out of me yesterday and kept going today.
I just had a talk with the same nurse I talked to last night and she basically said that nursing is not the right job for me (after talking to me once for 3 minutes yesterday and today) and then proceeded to tell me again that I'm gonna grt kicked out if I sh or if I lose any weight. I'm so pretty and have a great personality, asking me if I can't see that. Well Karen, maybe this job isn't the right one for you for fucks sake. How can someone be so insensitive. She triggered the shit out of me yesterday and kept going today.
#64
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Posted 05 February 2022 - 05:33 AM
February 5th - Day 111
114.4 lbs // 51,9 kg // 18.4
That's a loss of 2.4 pounds // 1,1 kg within 4 days. If I did have a BM it probably would be about 0.5lbs lower but I don't and I'm not sure if it's a good idea to take lax today.
I took promethazine on top of the seroquel last night which left me completely hungover this morning and then I had to take my iron supplement this morning on an empty stomach. About 45 minutes later I felt dizzy and like I'm gonna throw up and black out. I had part of a cracker and half a cup of tea for breakfast because I just couldn't stomach more. Went back to sleep and slept until 1pm with a nurse checking on me, my bp and pulse every hour or so.
She brought my lunch to my room and I just had some because I was scared she's gonna come in and check if I ate or not as well.
This is what they served (Spaetzle with a cream sauce and veggies plus salad)
And this is how much I actually had (idk, maybe around 350 cals)
I definitely need to get more exercise in though and as I don't know when they're gonna weigh me the next time (I'm thinking of sometime next week but could be completely off) I have to keep going.
I usually walk up and down the hallway when I'm on a psych ward but I feel very self conscious about it here for some reason. I could use the stairs and go up and down those but I'm so weak on my legs these days that I can barely manage 3 flights of stairs without being completely out of breath and feeling like I'm gonna collapse.
Have to take a shower tonight as well and as my roommate is gone I finally feel comfortable enough to do so.
114.4 lbs // 51,9 kg // 18.4
That's a loss of 2.4 pounds // 1,1 kg within 4 days. If I did have a BM it probably would be about 0.5lbs lower but I don't and I'm not sure if it's a good idea to take lax today.
I took promethazine on top of the seroquel last night which left me completely hungover this morning and then I had to take my iron supplement this morning on an empty stomach. About 45 minutes later I felt dizzy and like I'm gonna throw up and black out. I had part of a cracker and half a cup of tea for breakfast because I just couldn't stomach more. Went back to sleep and slept until 1pm with a nurse checking on me, my bp and pulse every hour or so.
She brought my lunch to my room and I just had some because I was scared she's gonna come in and check if I ate or not as well.
This is what they served (Spaetzle with a cream sauce and veggies plus salad)
And this is how much I actually had (idk, maybe around 350 cals)
I definitely need to get more exercise in though and as I don't know when they're gonna weigh me the next time (I'm thinking of sometime next week but could be completely off) I have to keep going.
I usually walk up and down the hallway when I'm on a psych ward but I feel very self conscious about it here for some reason. I could use the stairs and go up and down those but I'm so weak on my legs these days that I can barely manage 3 flights of stairs without being completely out of breath and feeling like I'm gonna collapse.
Have to take a shower tonight as well and as my roommate is gone I finally feel comfortable enough to do so.
#65
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Posted 06 February 2022 - 12:43 AM
February 6th - Day 112
I feel way less shitty, physically, today than I did yesterday. Yesterday was just too much.
I slept okay-ish except for the food nightmare I had. I can't remember any details but basically I ate a shit ton of food and had no option to get it and there were people watching me eat. Fun times.
The nurse who just gave me my iron supplement urged me again to really eat something later on. And in the dining room as well. Struggling already with that. I was able to skip dinner yesterday, I just brought the dinner tray outside again before anyone could ask about or check on it. I also managed to get a decent amount of steps in and burn some more calories by walking in my room.
I really hope that I get a note beforehand if they want to weigh me because otherwise I'm gonna freak out but at least they do weigh ins close to properly by being fasted and in underwear.
Talking about weigh in, I took 5 lax yesterday afternoon at around 3pm it's 8:30am the next day now and I haven't had any effect whatsoever. Yesterday I thought a few times that it's kicking in but it didn't. I'm actually terrified of having to get weighed without having had a BM first. I could take some more now but I guess it' d have to be at least 10 because I took that much the last time (past monday) but just the thought of it makes me want to crawl out of my skin. And my roommate will be coming back at some point today so I don't actually have time for it either. First world problems, but it sucks.
I feel way less shitty, physically, today than I did yesterday. Yesterday was just too much.
I slept okay-ish except for the food nightmare I had. I can't remember any details but basically I ate a shit ton of food and had no option to get it and there were people watching me eat. Fun times.
The nurse who just gave me my iron supplement urged me again to really eat something later on. And in the dining room as well. Struggling already with that. I was able to skip dinner yesterday, I just brought the dinner tray outside again before anyone could ask about or check on it. I also managed to get a decent amount of steps in and burn some more calories by walking in my room.
I really hope that I get a note beforehand if they want to weigh me because otherwise I'm gonna freak out but at least they do weigh ins close to properly by being fasted and in underwear.
Talking about weigh in, I took 5 lax yesterday afternoon at around 3pm it's 8:30am the next day now and I haven't had any effect whatsoever. Yesterday I thought a few times that it's kicking in but it didn't. I'm actually terrified of having to get weighed without having had a BM first. I could take some more now but I guess it' d have to be at least 10 because I took that much the last time (past monday) but just the thought of it makes me want to crawl out of my skin. And my roommate will be coming back at some point today so I don't actually have time for it either. First world problems, but it sucks.
#66
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Posted 06 February 2022 - 09:04 AM
Apparently 5 lax work just fine and just take about double the time to do their job.
On another note, showering was a bad idea because I almost collapsed again. I've never had such issues before so it's a little frightening. I guess the combination of a low intake (no more than 400 cals since tuesday) and low hemoglobin plus the lack of enough fluids and the lax which always kicks my ass, are kinda problematic.
My skin is dry and flakey but I'm in this phase again where I'm too scared to use body lotion or any kind of cream because I'm paranoid I'll absorb calories, which is totally ridiculous from an objective standpoint but very much real to me right now. Even the two calories in a cup of tea makes me want to disappear into the ground these days, and I'm not even getting started on the water they make me drink which is even more hideous.
On another note, showering was a bad idea because I almost collapsed again. I've never had such issues before so it's a little frightening. I guess the combination of a low intake (no more than 400 cals since tuesday) and low hemoglobin plus the lack of enough fluids and the lax which always kicks my ass, are kinda problematic.
My skin is dry and flakey but I'm in this phase again where I'm too scared to use body lotion or any kind of cream because I'm paranoid I'll absorb calories, which is totally ridiculous from an objective standpoint but very much real to me right now. Even the two calories in a cup of tea makes me want to disappear into the ground these days, and I'm not even getting started on the water they make me drink which is even more hideous.
#67
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Posted 07 February 2022 - 02:49 PM
February 7th - Day 113
112.8 lbs // 51,2 kg // 18.1
I went home this evening just so I could weigh myself. It was already 5:30pm by that time so I did have breakfast, lunch and some water beforehand, but I was definitely happy to see another loss.
I'm starting to feel increasingly worse about anything I eat which also fuels my sh urges.
My therapist at the clinic postpones the ED topic from one session to the next and at some level I'm upset about it, on the other side I'm glad because then I don't have to give it up just yet and I won't be caught because of my weight loss. After all it's been 4lbs within one week. I know that most of it is probably water weight though. However I'm beginning to get my thigh gap back again which I'm very happy about. Any reflection of my body tho kills me inside.
I'm still contemplating to bring my scale here but I think I'm too afraid of getting caught to actually do it.
My roommate is getting slightly suspicious about my eating habits and that's kinda annoying but I'll just brush it off and deal with it somehow. So far no one has caught on or actually said something so I'm good. I'm still terrified however of a random weigh in although the nurse on my first day said they only do fasted weigh ins in the morning. Guess I'll see.
I feel my apprenticeship slipping away from me because everyone keeps telling me I shouldn't do it. I feel like no one actually understands how much pressure I have coming from my parents, especially my dad and that I basically have no other option than to do it now.
I really don't know what to do.
112.8 lbs // 51,2 kg // 18.1
I went home this evening just so I could weigh myself. It was already 5:30pm by that time so I did have breakfast, lunch and some water beforehand, but I was definitely happy to see another loss.
I'm starting to feel increasingly worse about anything I eat which also fuels my sh urges.
My therapist at the clinic postpones the ED topic from one session to the next and at some level I'm upset about it, on the other side I'm glad because then I don't have to give it up just yet and I won't be caught because of my weight loss. After all it's been 4lbs within one week. I know that most of it is probably water weight though. However I'm beginning to get my thigh gap back again which I'm very happy about. Any reflection of my body tho kills me inside.
I'm still contemplating to bring my scale here but I think I'm too afraid of getting caught to actually do it.
My roommate is getting slightly suspicious about my eating habits and that's kinda annoying but I'll just brush it off and deal with it somehow. So far no one has caught on or actually said something so I'm good. I'm still terrified however of a random weigh in although the nurse on my first day said they only do fasted weigh ins in the morning. Guess I'll see.
I feel my apprenticeship slipping away from me because everyone keeps telling me I shouldn't do it. I feel like no one actually understands how much pressure I have coming from my parents, especially my dad and that I basically have no other option than to do it now.
I really don't know what to do.
#68
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Posted 08 February 2022 - 04:13 AM
February 8th - Day 114
Really want to go home just to weigh myself again but I know that's a stupid idea so I'm trying to refrain from it.
At least it's 12pm now and I managed to burn 1000 cals which is not much, I know, but it's better than nothing and considering that I'm inpatient and can't do much of the obvious stuff like exercising in my room, it's quite okay. My TDEE ranges from 1600 to 1900 these days so I'm fine with that as long as I keep losing.
I talked to my therapist yesterday and asked him for permission to use the small gym downstairs and he said he's gonna put it in my file so as soon as I get the chance to go for that one obligatory "training" session, I'm free to exercise by myself, as often as I want. And because I said it helps with my anxiety and sh urges, I have a pretty good excuse to go whenever.
I skipped breakfast and only had a cup of tea, now it's lunch time and that's gonna be scary as hell because there's gonna be buttered potatoes, Bratwurst which I expect to be very greasy, brown sauce and salad with dressing. I'm gonna stick to the salad and maybe one or two bites of the Bratwurst and that'll be it.
I am kinda scared of them catching up on me and noticing my weight loss, I could obviously fake it with water loading but I'm very torn on the entire topic of wanting to recover and relapse. To hell with that tbh, I'm just gonna do whatever, they can't fix it here anyway and I'm absolutely convinced that there's no real recovery, for me at least.
Really want to go home just to weigh myself again but I know that's a stupid idea so I'm trying to refrain from it.
At least it's 12pm now and I managed to burn 1000 cals which is not much, I know, but it's better than nothing and considering that I'm inpatient and can't do much of the obvious stuff like exercising in my room, it's quite okay. My TDEE ranges from 1600 to 1900 these days so I'm fine with that as long as I keep losing.
I talked to my therapist yesterday and asked him for permission to use the small gym downstairs and he said he's gonna put it in my file so as soon as I get the chance to go for that one obligatory "training" session, I'm free to exercise by myself, as often as I want. And because I said it helps with my anxiety and sh urges, I have a pretty good excuse to go whenever.
I skipped breakfast and only had a cup of tea, now it's lunch time and that's gonna be scary as hell because there's gonna be buttered potatoes, Bratwurst which I expect to be very greasy, brown sauce and salad with dressing. I'm gonna stick to the salad and maybe one or two bites of the Bratwurst and that'll be it.
I am kinda scared of them catching up on me and noticing my weight loss, I could obviously fake it with water loading but I'm very torn on the entire topic of wanting to recover and relapse. To hell with that tbh, I'm just gonna do whatever, they can't fix it here anyway and I'm absolutely convinced that there's no real recovery, for me at least.
#69
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Posted 08 February 2022 - 04:26 AM
What they served
Vs. how much I actually ate
The salad dressing tasted like shit that's why I only ate 3 bites of that, two pieces of Bratwurst and one small potato plus a tiny pice that were definitely drenched in butter. I'm guesstimating 300 cals although the menu said 542cals for the entire meal.
Vs. how much I actually ate
The salad dressing tasted like shit that's why I only ate 3 bites of that, two pieces of Bratwurst and one small potato plus a tiny pice that were definitely drenched in butter. I'm guesstimating 300 cals although the menu said 542cals for the entire meal.
#70
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Posted 08 February 2022 - 01:14 PM
Dinner, if I would eat all of it, it'd be 102.5 cals. 64 for the crisp bread and 38.5 for the cream cheese.
I have a really bad BDD day today so I only managed to eat the cream cheese without any of the bread.
Gives me a total of 338.5 cals for the day.
I feel very week on my legs today and the anxiety was really bad earlier this evening. They gave me more meds so now I'm super tired and will just try and sleep. I assume that me TDEE will be around 1750 - 1800 by the end of today.
I'm also definitely gonna try and go home tomorrow for a quick weigh in.
I have a really bad BDD day today so I only managed to eat the cream cheese without any of the bread.
Gives me a total of 338.5 cals for the day.
I feel very week on my legs today and the anxiety was really bad earlier this evening. They gave me more meds so now I'm super tired and will just try and sleep. I assume that me TDEE will be around 1750 - 1800 by the end of today.
I'm also definitely gonna try and go home tomorrow for a quick weigh in.
#71
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Posted 09 February 2022 - 12:47 AM
February 9th - Day 115
I'll try and go home for weigh in after my therapy session at 10 am. Means no food or water until then.
Some bodychecks from this morning:
Thigh gap slowly coming back.
Feet not entirely together, just for the stomach area.
Not trusting that picture because I feel huge and look completely different in person.
Also. Lesson no. 1 on how to fuel a patients eating disorder: Make them eat in their room by themselves without any supervision or control whatsoever. I know it's because of Covid but it's stupid either way.
On Sunday I had breakfast with another patient who tested positive on Monday and was sent back home yesterday. I have to get tested every day now and am obligated to have my meals in my room by myself until I get the results of the pcr test which won't be for Saturday evening at the earliest. And that gives me complete freedom to do whatever I want aka I'm gonna skip breakfasts and dinners and only have a little bit of lunch.
I keep having bingeing nightmares where I actually struggle to believe I didn't just eat what I dreamed about as soon as I wake up. I always get that when I restrict low but it's scary nonetheless.
I've been feeling quite weak on my legs yesterday, felt like I couldn't possibly walk one more step or lift my arms but I had such a strong urge to move around and so I did some walking in the hallway. It didn't help at all and the need for movement didn't go away with that so I got super anxious and agitated, wanting to sh in some sort of way. All of that resulted in the nurses drugging me up until I finally fell asleep at 11:30pm.
Today I have the instruction session for the small gym downstairs. Apparently because of Covid only one patient is allowed to be in there at a time. I think that's kinda dumb but whatever. My only hope is that the time slots are decently long and not just 30mins. each that'd be complete and utter nonsense in my opinion at least.
Lunch today is polenta with spinach and cream cheese sauce, according to the menu it's 292 calories but as always no trust in that.
I'll try and go home for weigh in after my therapy session at 10 am. Means no food or water until then.
Some bodychecks from this morning:
Thigh gap slowly coming back.
Feet not entirely together, just for the stomach area.
Not trusting that picture because I feel huge and look completely different in person.
Also. Lesson no. 1 on how to fuel a patients eating disorder: Make them eat in their room by themselves without any supervision or control whatsoever. I know it's because of Covid but it's stupid either way.
On Sunday I had breakfast with another patient who tested positive on Monday and was sent back home yesterday. I have to get tested every day now and am obligated to have my meals in my room by myself until I get the results of the pcr test which won't be for Saturday evening at the earliest. And that gives me complete freedom to do whatever I want aka I'm gonna skip breakfasts and dinners and only have a little bit of lunch.
I keep having bingeing nightmares where I actually struggle to believe I didn't just eat what I dreamed about as soon as I wake up. I always get that when I restrict low but it's scary nonetheless.
I've been feeling quite weak on my legs yesterday, felt like I couldn't possibly walk one more step or lift my arms but I had such a strong urge to move around and so I did some walking in the hallway. It didn't help at all and the need for movement didn't go away with that so I got super anxious and agitated, wanting to sh in some sort of way. All of that resulted in the nurses drugging me up until I finally fell asleep at 11:30pm.
Today I have the instruction session for the small gym downstairs. Apparently because of Covid only one patient is allowed to be in there at a time. I think that's kinda dumb but whatever. My only hope is that the time slots are decently long and not just 30mins. each that'd be complete and utter nonsense in my opinion at least.
Lunch today is polenta with spinach and cream cheese sauce, according to the menu it's 292 calories but as always no trust in that.
#72
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Posted 09 February 2022 - 01:19 PM
Weight: 110.9 lbs // 50,3 kg // 17.8
My therapist told me today that I'm gonna have to get weighed at least once a week. But then he was hesitant about making that decision and pushed it onto my physician here so I'm kinda scared I'll have to do it tomorrow because it's always Mondays and Thursdays and I was gonna ask the nurse about it just so I know but it's not my fav nurse so I'll have to wait until tomorrow morning to see what happens.
I skipped breakfast and dinner and took 8 lax that will hopefully kick in tonight just in time for the possible weigh in, so far I'm not feeling anything tho.
This was lunch
And this is how much I actually ate. I counted 400 cals for that. It felt like overeating. It felt terrible and I have really bad regrets because the beans where greasy and the polenta must've been fried or something and I'm terrified it makes me gain like 5 pounds which I know is irrational but feels very real.
My therapist told me today that I'm gonna have to get weighed at least once a week. But then he was hesitant about making that decision and pushed it onto my physician here so I'm kinda scared I'll have to do it tomorrow because it's always Mondays and Thursdays and I was gonna ask the nurse about it just so I know but it's not my fav nurse so I'll have to wait until tomorrow morning to see what happens.
I skipped breakfast and dinner and took 8 lax that will hopefully kick in tonight just in time for the possible weigh in, so far I'm not feeling anything tho.
This was lunch
And this is how much I actually ate. I counted 400 cals for that. It felt like overeating. It felt terrible and I have really bad regrets because the beans where greasy and the polenta must've been fried or something and I'm terrified it makes me gain like 5 pounds which I know is irrational but feels very real.
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#74
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Posted 10 February 2022 - 10:06 AM
February 10th - Day 116
Weight: 110.0 lbs // 49,9 kg // 17.7
This doesn't look like 110 lbs tho. I look and feel like BMI 21 at least.
Today definitely didn't go as planned. I didn't have to weigh myself in the clinic today but I went home for a weigh in and then had a micro "binge" on a cereal bar, a few bites of bread with butter and 2 pickles. I know that's not a binge but it was unplanned and so it feels like one.
After that I went back to the hospital where I ate so much of my lunch, ugh!
I'm skipping dinner now and so I'm ending the day on 789 cals.
My TDEE will be a little higher though. I went for a 20 minute super slow interval run and then a 40 minute brisk walk. And then I did my allowed 30 minutes in the gym on a bike. So I burnt 1850 cals by now (it's 6pm). I also exclusively take the stairs these days which is super exhausting but that's just how it has to be.
I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna have to be weighed on Monday and I secretly hope for 106.9 lbs // 48,5 kg // 17.2 by then but I don't know if that's gonna happen. Definitely gonna go home on Sunday and weigh myself to check tho. I'm gonna try not to exercise too much the next days because I don't wanna gain water weight.
I'm also in a constant state of panic and anxiety because we had the second covid case on the ward. She had to leave this afternoon but I had group therapy with her just yesterday and even though we're wearing masks, I'm so scared that I'm gonna test positive tomorrow and then will have to go home. That'd be a major setback and triggering like hell for my sh. Especially because if I would self harm, I'd be too scared to get stitches because I'd be having covid so I'd just leave the wounds like that. This is actually the first time since Covid started, that I'm actually afraid to catch it.
Weight: 110.0 lbs // 49,9 kg // 17.7
This doesn't look like 110 lbs tho. I look and feel like BMI 21 at least.
Today definitely didn't go as planned. I didn't have to weigh myself in the clinic today but I went home for a weigh in and then had a micro "binge" on a cereal bar, a few bites of bread with butter and 2 pickles. I know that's not a binge but it was unplanned and so it feels like one.
After that I went back to the hospital where I ate so much of my lunch, ugh!
I'm skipping dinner now and so I'm ending the day on 789 cals.
My TDEE will be a little higher though. I went for a 20 minute super slow interval run and then a 40 minute brisk walk. And then I did my allowed 30 minutes in the gym on a bike. So I burnt 1850 cals by now (it's 6pm). I also exclusively take the stairs these days which is super exhausting but that's just how it has to be.
I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna have to be weighed on Monday and I secretly hope for 106.9 lbs // 48,5 kg // 17.2 by then but I don't know if that's gonna happen. Definitely gonna go home on Sunday and weigh myself to check tho. I'm gonna try not to exercise too much the next days because I don't wanna gain water weight.
I'm also in a constant state of panic and anxiety because we had the second covid case on the ward. She had to leave this afternoon but I had group therapy with her just yesterday and even though we're wearing masks, I'm so scared that I'm gonna test positive tomorrow and then will have to go home. That'd be a major setback and triggering like hell for my sh. Especially because if I would self harm, I'd be too scared to get stitches because I'd be having covid so I'd just leave the wounds like that. This is actually the first time since Covid started, that I'm actually afraid to catch it.
#75
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Posted 11 February 2022 - 04:35 AM
February 11th - Day 117
I still feel so bad about yesterday's intake although I ended the day on a 1461 cal deficit. I feel like I gained at least 2 pounds. Fighting very hard against the urge to weigh myself today.
I was thinking, theoretically I could just sign myself out for a few hours and go to my usual gym during that time and then go back to the hospital as if I just went for a long walk. Maybe I'm gonna do that starting next week. Not today because I feel like any excessive exercise would increase water weight gain. I mean I know I won't get as low as I hoped for on Monday but it doesn't hurt to try either.
Tomorrow afternoon I'll take lax again. My roommate will be goon until Sunday evening so I can deal with that in peace.
Skipping breakfast and dinner again, and this was lunch. Guesstimating 250 cals.
Don't know how I'm gonna spend the rest of my day as I don't have any therapy, I'm really just trying not to go home and weigh myself because first, I had something to eat and drink already and second I just know the number's gonna be higher than yesterday.
I still feel so bad about yesterday's intake although I ended the day on a 1461 cal deficit. I feel like I gained at least 2 pounds. Fighting very hard against the urge to weigh myself today.
I was thinking, theoretically I could just sign myself out for a few hours and go to my usual gym during that time and then go back to the hospital as if I just went for a long walk. Maybe I'm gonna do that starting next week. Not today because I feel like any excessive exercise would increase water weight gain. I mean I know I won't get as low as I hoped for on Monday but it doesn't hurt to try either.
Tomorrow afternoon I'll take lax again. My roommate will be goon until Sunday evening so I can deal with that in peace.
Skipping breakfast and dinner again, and this was lunch. Guesstimating 250 cals.
Don't know how I'm gonna spend the rest of my day as I don't have any therapy, I'm really just trying not to go home and weigh myself because first, I had something to eat and drink already and second I just know the number's gonna be higher than yesterday.
#76
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Posted 12 February 2022 - 04:46 AM
February 12th - Day 118
109.1 lbs // 49,5 kg // 17.5
All I keep thinking about is food and that's extremely exhausting. It's especially bad around bed time / evening when I'm supposed to sleep. I always hated mukbangs because they gross me out but I started watching Nikocado Avocado these days as a means to distract myself from my own cravings and binge urges.
I just had lunch putting down 250 again. If the meat didn't taste like shit I would've eaten that instead of the noodles.
I ended up bringing my scale here this morning because I couldn't stand not knowing. It's gonna be difficult or even impossible to weigh myself regularly because of my roommate but the main purpose was to get a number before my weigh ins on Monday's and as my room mate leaves for the weekends, I'm good to go.
I might go downstairs to the gym and do my 30 minutes of biking in a little while. Last time I burnt 263 cals because I have zero fitness and my pulse shoots up to 160-175 bpm but in that case it's good I guess.
I also took 8 lax again this morning at around 9:45am so they can kick in by tomorrow morning at the latest without my roommate being there.
I'm carefully hoping to be at 108 lbs // 49,0 kg // 17.4 tomorrow and I decided to fast tomorrow as well.
If I get to 108 lbs // 49,0 kg by Monday I'd have lost 8.8 lbs // 4,0 kg // 1.4 BMI points within 11 days.
If I should magically get to 106.9 lbs // 48,5 kg I'd have lost 9.9 lbs // 4,5 kg // 1.6 BMI points within 11 days.
Even though yesterday was a very lazy day and I only managed to get a 1.25 hour long walk in in the afternoon, I got to a TDEE of 1758 cals.
I'm scared that if I do too much today I will gain instead of lose because of the water weight. So I think I'm really just gonna do the exercise bike, I originally thought of running in the spot as well but I feel like that always makes things worse, especially because I get in lots of pain every time.
109.1 lbs // 49,5 kg // 17.5
All I keep thinking about is food and that's extremely exhausting. It's especially bad around bed time / evening when I'm supposed to sleep. I always hated mukbangs because they gross me out but I started watching Nikocado Avocado these days as a means to distract myself from my own cravings and binge urges.
I just had lunch putting down 250 again. If the meat didn't taste like shit I would've eaten that instead of the noodles.
I ended up bringing my scale here this morning because I couldn't stand not knowing. It's gonna be difficult or even impossible to weigh myself regularly because of my roommate but the main purpose was to get a number before my weigh ins on Monday's and as my room mate leaves for the weekends, I'm good to go.
I might go downstairs to the gym and do my 30 minutes of biking in a little while. Last time I burnt 263 cals because I have zero fitness and my pulse shoots up to 160-175 bpm but in that case it's good I guess.
I also took 8 lax again this morning at around 9:45am so they can kick in by tomorrow morning at the latest without my roommate being there.
I'm carefully hoping to be at 108 lbs // 49,0 kg // 17.4 tomorrow and I decided to fast tomorrow as well.
If I get to 108 lbs // 49,0 kg by Monday I'd have lost 8.8 lbs // 4,0 kg // 1.4 BMI points within 11 days.
If I should magically get to 106.9 lbs // 48,5 kg I'd have lost 9.9 lbs // 4,5 kg // 1.6 BMI points within 11 days.
Even though yesterday was a very lazy day and I only managed to get a 1.25 hour long walk in in the afternoon, I got to a TDEE of 1758 cals.
I'm scared that if I do too much today I will gain instead of lose because of the water weight. So I think I'm really just gonna do the exercise bike, I originally thought of running in the spot as well but I feel like that always makes things worse, especially because I get in lots of pain every time.
#77
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Posted 12 February 2022 - 09:00 AM
I'm really starting to question my own decisions. Well not really, I just regret my decisions constantly.
The lax kicked in, way earlier than expected because the last time I took 8, which was only a few days ago, it took them 15 hours to kick in and this time it wasn't even 8 hours.
So here I am, sitting in bed with my hot water bottle, trying not to throw up or shit my pants while dealing with lower abdominal cramps that somehow feel worse in a different way than period cramps.
I really don't know why I always choose to take lax anyway, knowing very well that they make me feel miserable. Knowing very well how bad they are and by now being scared that I'm gonna start shitting blood not far down the line.
Why is my brain so fucked up and wrong wired?!
The lax kicked in, way earlier than expected because the last time I took 8, which was only a few days ago, it took them 15 hours to kick in and this time it wasn't even 8 hours.
So here I am, sitting in bed with my hot water bottle, trying not to throw up or shit my pants while dealing with lower abdominal cramps that somehow feel worse in a different way than period cramps.
I really don't know why I always choose to take lax anyway, knowing very well that they make me feel miserable. Knowing very well how bad they are and by now being scared that I'm gonna start shitting blood not far down the line.
Why is my brain so fucked up and wrong wired?!
#78
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Posted 13 February 2022 - 06:37 AM
February 13th - Day 119
109.1 lbs // 49,5 kg // 17.7
I'm mad but not really surprised that I didn't lose any weight since yesterday. I took lax and that worked but I also drank a lot of water and tea yesterday which pretty sure counteracted the effect of the lax.
Today I'm doing a (almost) dry fast. Had 3 sips of water so far because I had to take my iron supplement and then tonight another 3 sips or so for my other meds. The fast itself is going well though, although I really struggle with cravings which is not a huge issue as far as bingeing goes because there's literally nothing here that I would or could binge on.
I'm gonna step on the scale again later today before I take a shower in a few hours.
I got some more sleep and won't be moving much today in hopes my body can do everything it needs to do to get rid of just another pound. Two pounds is simply impossible I suppose.
Also I just spent some time on the roof top terrace with another patient and we talked a lot and now, well thought about it yesterday already, but now even more, I'm thinking about going home and not staying any longer in IP. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere or that the 4 upcoming week I'd have left here will get me anywhere. I'm not sure what to do but staying here feels like a waste of time that I could use much better at home to prepare for my apprenticeship.
109.1 lbs // 49,5 kg // 17.7
I'm mad but not really surprised that I didn't lose any weight since yesterday. I took lax and that worked but I also drank a lot of water and tea yesterday which pretty sure counteracted the effect of the lax.
Today I'm doing a (almost) dry fast. Had 3 sips of water so far because I had to take my iron supplement and then tonight another 3 sips or so for my other meds. The fast itself is going well though, although I really struggle with cravings which is not a huge issue as far as bingeing goes because there's literally nothing here that I would or could binge on.
I'm gonna step on the scale again later today before I take a shower in a few hours.
I got some more sleep and won't be moving much today in hopes my body can do everything it needs to do to get rid of just another pound. Two pounds is simply impossible I suppose.
Also I just spent some time on the roof top terrace with another patient and we talked a lot and now, well thought about it yesterday already, but now even more, I'm thinking about going home and not staying any longer in IP. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere or that the 4 upcoming week I'd have left here will get me anywhere. I'm not sure what to do but staying here feels like a waste of time that I could use much better at home to prepare for my apprenticeship.
#79
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Posted 13 February 2022 - 11:58 PM
February 14th - Day 120
107.5 lbs // 48,8 kg // 17.3
It's so stupid but I'm actually upset right now. I stepped on my scale before I went downstairs to get weighed by the nurse and it said 106.2 lbs // 48,2 kg and because last time my scale and their scale showed an identical weight I thought it'd be like that this time as well. Well no it wasn't. In fact it's off for more than a pound. And I know I should be happy that I even lost that much but it's still hard to accept that there's such a huge difference.
On top of that reality hit me and I'm now realizing that my therapist and the head of department will probably lynch me for losing 9lbs in 11 days.
My PCR test came back negative the other day and so now I'm obligated to eat in the dining room again with everyone else, where everyone can watch me eat and my roommate kinda made it her job to get enough food into me which is super annoying and I fucking hate it. I don't want to be controlled by anyone, especially not her.
I also have a very difficult talk with my therapist at 11am. I talked to one of the nurses yesterday about me wanting to go home again because I'm not and won't be getting anywhere in the 4 weeks I have left in here and I see no point in staying when I could be at home and prepare myself and my surroundings for nursing school.
Like I've been here two weeks now, I haven't sh'ed once and 99% of the time I don't even think about it but my therapist still thinks it's the most important issue instead of treating it as what it is: a symptom for an underlying cause which is the only thing that needs to be treated. I came here, got asked what my goal is and I said that I want to be stable enough for outpatient treatment and nursing school. So far we're not even close to that topic, instead he just said that I'm not stable enough for an apprenticeship and he does nothing to help me gain more stability so I can finally do what I want to do.
107.5 lbs // 48,8 kg // 17.3
It's so stupid but I'm actually upset right now. I stepped on my scale before I went downstairs to get weighed by the nurse and it said 106.2 lbs // 48,2 kg and because last time my scale and their scale showed an identical weight I thought it'd be like that this time as well. Well no it wasn't. In fact it's off for more than a pound. And I know I should be happy that I even lost that much but it's still hard to accept that there's such a huge difference.
On top of that reality hit me and I'm now realizing that my therapist and the head of department will probably lynch me for losing 9lbs in 11 days.
My PCR test came back negative the other day and so now I'm obligated to eat in the dining room again with everyone else, where everyone can watch me eat and my roommate kinda made it her job to get enough food into me which is super annoying and I fucking hate it. I don't want to be controlled by anyone, especially not her.
I also have a very difficult talk with my therapist at 11am. I talked to one of the nurses yesterday about me wanting to go home again because I'm not and won't be getting anywhere in the 4 weeks I have left in here and I see no point in staying when I could be at home and prepare myself and my surroundings for nursing school.
Like I've been here two weeks now, I haven't sh'ed once and 99% of the time I don't even think about it but my therapist still thinks it's the most important issue instead of treating it as what it is: a symptom for an underlying cause which is the only thing that needs to be treated. I came here, got asked what my goal is and I said that I want to be stable enough for outpatient treatment and nursing school. So far we're not even close to that topic, instead he just said that I'm not stable enough for an apprenticeship and he does nothing to help me gain more stability so I can finally do what I want to do.
#80
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Posted 14 February 2022 - 02:21 PM
I binged.
1 Cheeseburger
1/2 bread roll with sausage and mayonnaise
3 Kinder chocolate surprise eggs
1/2 of my lunch (potatoes, sauce, fried cauliflower and salad with tons of dressing)
1 huge glass of water with sugary syrup
I feel miserable, physically and mentally. My stomach hurts so bad and I have really strong self harm urges.
As a result of all that I decided to water fast until next Monday's lunch. It's gonna be really tough especially because my roommate constantly asks me whether I've already eaten or if I don't want to eat something or some more. It's so annoying.
It's a 162.5 hour long fast and I'm determined to get it done.
I will also do my daily 30 minutes in the gym.
Maybe this way I can get down to 99.2 lbs // 45,0 kg // 15.9 that's another 8.4 pounds to lose within a week and it definitely won't be easy but I can try, right?
I'll take lax on Saturday again and I will weigh myself probably tomorrow just because I want to know. After that maybe Thursday, Saturday pre lax and then Sunday and Monday.
1 Cheeseburger
1/2 bread roll with sausage and mayonnaise
3 Kinder chocolate surprise eggs
1/2 of my lunch (potatoes, sauce, fried cauliflower and salad with tons of dressing)
1 huge glass of water with sugary syrup
I feel miserable, physically and mentally. My stomach hurts so bad and I have really strong self harm urges.
As a result of all that I decided to water fast until next Monday's lunch. It's gonna be really tough especially because my roommate constantly asks me whether I've already eaten or if I don't want to eat something or some more. It's so annoying.
It's a 162.5 hour long fast and I'm determined to get it done.
I will also do my daily 30 minutes in the gym.
Maybe this way I can get down to 99.2 lbs // 45,0 kg // 15.9 that's another 8.4 pounds to lose within a week and it definitely won't be easy but I can try, right?
I'll take lax on Saturday again and I will weigh myself probably tomorrow just because I want to know. After that maybe Thursday, Saturday pre lax and then Sunday and Monday.
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Posted 15 February 2022 - 02:50 AM
February 15th - Day 121
109.1 lbs // 49,5 kg // 17.5
I calculated yesterday's binge and it came out to 1077 cals however I'm gonna go for 1200 because better safe than sorry.
It's gonna be really tough to fast for the entire week because everyone's on my back, watching me and how much I eat. And by everyone I mean my roommate and the other patients, not the staff. The food doesn't sound that great this week so it's no problem, it's really just how I'm getting around everyone else.
I'm really hoping to get down to 99.2 by next monday. I will try and exercise as much as possible and then lax on Saturday. I messed up my dry fast last Sunday but I'm really gonna try this weekend because I don't wanna gain back all the water weight that I lost from lax.
We have an hour of nordic walking in about 15 minutes and then I'll go to the gym this afternoon. I have the entire afternoon to myself so I can run on the spot if my roommate's not here, otherwise I'll try and go to the gym again tonight as means to regulate my anxiety and sh urges. So they're probably gonna let me go again. At least I hope so.
For now I have 145hrs 40mins left of my fast.
109.1 lbs // 49,5 kg // 17.5
I calculated yesterday's binge and it came out to 1077 cals however I'm gonna go for 1200 because better safe than sorry.
It's gonna be really tough to fast for the entire week because everyone's on my back, watching me and how much I eat. And by everyone I mean my roommate and the other patients, not the staff. The food doesn't sound that great this week so it's no problem, it's really just how I'm getting around everyone else.
I'm really hoping to get down to 99.2 by next monday. I will try and exercise as much as possible and then lax on Saturday. I messed up my dry fast last Sunday but I'm really gonna try this weekend because I don't wanna gain back all the water weight that I lost from lax.
We have an hour of nordic walking in about 15 minutes and then I'll go to the gym this afternoon. I have the entire afternoon to myself so I can run on the spot if my roommate's not here, otherwise I'll try and go to the gym again tonight as means to regulate my anxiety and sh urges. So they're probably gonna let me go again. At least I hope so.
For now I have 145hrs 40mins left of my fast.
#82
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Posted 15 February 2022 - 07:04 AM
Aaaand I fucked up. Had lunch. I guess around 400 cals. Why? Because my roommate sat next to me the entire time, waiting for me to eat. Fml. I hate this.
I'm really intrigued to just go outside and binge on McDonald's and stuff because what does it matter. But then again I really want to lose the weight.
I fucking hate this disorder.
I'm really intrigued to just go outside and binge on McDonald's and stuff because what does it matter. But then again I really want to lose the weight.
I fucking hate this disorder.
#83
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Posted 15 February 2022 - 01:54 PM
I had a complete meltdown over lunch. A nurse spent a good 30 minutes trying to calm me down. Had to take some meds and then we just walked across the ward, talking. I felt more calm afterwards but the bad thoughts are creeping back in.
I feel like I've gained 10 pounds since Monday. Yes I had a lot to drink today but I can feel and see it on my body. I feel so disgusting.
Also managed my 30 minutes on the exercise bike. So my TDEE will be somewhere around 2200 by midnight.
It was really hard to withstand the cravings and bibge urges this afternoon but I have to keep pushing. I won't let my goal out of sight. Not this time. And if they make me gain weight, there's still water loading which is basically no problem here. I'm thinking about taking the lax tomorrow already to flush everything out. And I also need to stop drinking this much. I know water pushes water but it honestly just freaks me out.
I feel like I've gained 10 pounds since Monday. Yes I had a lot to drink today but I can feel and see it on my body. I feel so disgusting.
Also managed my 30 minutes on the exercise bike. So my TDEE will be somewhere around 2200 by midnight.
It was really hard to withstand the cravings and bibge urges this afternoon but I have to keep pushing. I won't let my goal out of sight. Not this time. And if they make me gain weight, there's still water loading which is basically no problem here. I'm thinking about taking the lax tomorrow already to flush everything out. And I also need to stop drinking this much. I know water pushes water but it honestly just freaks me out.
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Posted 16 February 2022 - 12:29 AM
February 16th - Day 122
109.6 lbs // 49,7 kg // 17.6
Why?! Ugh. I guess it's lax today in that case. I'll take them in the afternoon so that they don't kick in during the day/evening but in the early morning.
It's Wednesday already and I keep gaining. How am I supposed to get down to 99 lbs by Monday then?! That's so far away now. I mean I could go for 101 but I don't wanna settle for that if I could do much better.
TDEE wise I should be losing but my freaking body is holding onto everything right now.
So annoying. I knew it by yesterday evening, I felt and still feel so disgusting and I can see and feel every ounce of fat on my body.
I'm really just hoping that the lax will do its thing and clear everything out.
I'd also probably weigh less if I didn't drink that much, which I usually don't but my mouth is so dry here for I don't even know what reason.
Today I have a therapy session and it's ward rounds with the head physician. We will see what comes out of that. Tbh I'm really anxious about it. They're probably gonna want me to increase my meds and I have to tell them that I feel like I'm wasting my time here.
109.6 lbs // 49,7 kg // 17.6
Why?! Ugh. I guess it's lax today in that case. I'll take them in the afternoon so that they don't kick in during the day/evening but in the early morning.
It's Wednesday already and I keep gaining. How am I supposed to get down to 99 lbs by Monday then?! That's so far away now. I mean I could go for 101 but I don't wanna settle for that if I could do much better.
TDEE wise I should be losing but my freaking body is holding onto everything right now.
So annoying. I knew it by yesterday evening, I felt and still feel so disgusting and I can see and feel every ounce of fat on my body.
I'm really just hoping that the lax will do its thing and clear everything out.
I'd also probably weigh less if I didn't drink that much, which I usually don't but my mouth is so dry here for I don't even know what reason.
Today I have a therapy session and it's ward rounds with the head physician. We will see what comes out of that. Tbh I'm really anxious about it. They're probably gonna want me to increase my meds and I have to tell them that I feel like I'm wasting my time here.
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Posted 17 February 2022 - 01:55 AM
February 17th - Day 123
108.2 lbs // 49,1 kg // 17.4
The lax kicked in this morning. Thank goodness without any cramps and just some nausea.
I feel kinda defeated because it's Thursday already and I'm still above Monday's weight.
Mental hunger sucks the life out of me and I just want it to be gone.
By now I have a 5 page list in my notes app, with every single thing I wish I could eat. I have a long ass grocery list, my instagram feed is filled with (mostly) pasta cooking videos. I started watching mukbangs which I never really did before. All I can think about is food and the only thing that stops the thoughts is sleeping, although then I dream of bingeing, waking up completely freaked out.
I'm now 45 hours into my fast and it's going okay, but I sincerely hope that it actually affects my weight in a positive way. Because if I keep plateauing, I'm gonna lose all hope. I think, maybe I should stop weighing myself, especially because my scale shows something different than their scale. Maybe weigh myself on Sunday and then Monday morning. In hopes that I at least got down to 103 lbs, that'd be a BMI of 16.7
I just need some sense of accomplishment.
108.2 lbs // 49,1 kg // 17.4
The lax kicked in this morning. Thank goodness without any cramps and just some nausea.
I feel kinda defeated because it's Thursday already and I'm still above Monday's weight.
Mental hunger sucks the life out of me and I just want it to be gone.
By now I have a 5 page list in my notes app, with every single thing I wish I could eat. I have a long ass grocery list, my instagram feed is filled with (mostly) pasta cooking videos. I started watching mukbangs which I never really did before. All I can think about is food and the only thing that stops the thoughts is sleeping, although then I dream of bingeing, waking up completely freaked out.
I'm now 45 hours into my fast and it's going okay, but I sincerely hope that it actually affects my weight in a positive way. Because if I keep plateauing, I'm gonna lose all hope. I think, maybe I should stop weighing myself, especially because my scale shows something different than their scale. Maybe weigh myself on Sunday and then Monday morning. In hopes that I at least got down to 103 lbs, that'd be a BMI of 16.7
I just need some sense of accomplishment.
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Posted 17 February 2022 - 12:43 PM
No one's ever gonna believe me.
My therapist told me this afternoon that they think my weight loss from the past days and my restriction is self harm and they don't think of it as an ED. Guess who feels invalidated af. And guess who binged because of that (makes no sense ik).
I will fucking kill myself if I gained by Monday's weigh in. Even maintaining is not an option. But it was a huge binge. I hate myself so much. I swear to god if I had the opportunity, I'd probably just hurt myself so bad right now. I can't deal with the guilt right now. I just can't. I just want it all to end. I don't want this anymore. I'm never gonna be thin enough. I'm never gonna be taken seriously. I feel like a fraud.
Fat fraud.
Fat failure.
Failure.
My therapist told me this afternoon that they think my weight loss from the past days and my restriction is self harm and they don't think of it as an ED. Guess who feels invalidated af. And guess who binged because of that (makes no sense ik).
I will fucking kill myself if I gained by Monday's weigh in. Even maintaining is not an option. But it was a huge binge. I hate myself so much. I swear to god if I had the opportunity, I'd probably just hurt myself so bad right now. I can't deal with the guilt right now. I just can't. I just want it all to end. I don't want this anymore. I'm never gonna be thin enough. I'm never gonna be taken seriously. I feel like a fraud.
Fat fraud.
Fat failure.
Failure.
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Posted 18 February 2022 - 12:44 AM
February 18th - Day 124
Didn't step on my scale this morning. I'm so scared of what it would show and even more scared of the weigh in on Monday. For now I'm simply hoping to maintain. That's bad but not as bad as gaining would be.
I will take another round of lax either this afternoon or tomorrow morning.
My night was horrible because of stomach cramps probably caused by how much I ate yesterday. Those cramps are always so bad that they affect my back as well and I woke up several times in agonizing pain. I was thinking about calling the nurse for a pain killer but I felt stupid doing that for some stomach and back pain.
I'm trying really hard not to freak out about my future or what happens after this stay but it's nearly impossible.
For now I just have to survive today with my complete lack of motivation, sleep and energy which will be exhausting enough. I just want things to be over. I don't want to be an adult, I don't want responsibility, I don't want to have to take care of myself and worry about the stuff I have to worry about. It's all too much.
Didn't step on my scale this morning. I'm so scared of what it would show and even more scared of the weigh in on Monday. For now I'm simply hoping to maintain. That's bad but not as bad as gaining would be.
I will take another round of lax either this afternoon or tomorrow morning.
My night was horrible because of stomach cramps probably caused by how much I ate yesterday. Those cramps are always so bad that they affect my back as well and I woke up several times in agonizing pain. I was thinking about calling the nurse for a pain killer but I felt stupid doing that for some stomach and back pain.
I'm trying really hard not to freak out about my future or what happens after this stay but it's nearly impossible.
For now I just have to survive today with my complete lack of motivation, sleep and energy which will be exhausting enough. I just want things to be over. I don't want to be an adult, I don't want responsibility, I don't want to have to take care of myself and worry about the stuff I have to worry about. It's all too much.
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Posted 18 February 2022 - 01:58 PM
I have so much self hatred going on right now.
These are pictures from Tuesday evening and I don't even look underweight there.
I had another huge binge today and now I'm even more terrified of weigh in on monday.
I will weigh myself tomorrow morning to assess the damage done (I'm guessing 114-116lbs) and then take lax. 10 for sure.
I will banish the candy I bought and either throw it out or take it home. The latter is a binge risk as well though. I'm not sure yet.
The plan as of tomorrow is going back to past successful habits, aka either having or skipping breakfast, having a little bit of lunch and having or skipping dinner. Averaging 300-450 cals a day. That way I can also engage in some more physical activity and am not as ravenous.
I'm also thinking about leaving my debit card at home so I don't spend any more money on McDonald's or candy like I did yesterday and today.
I hope that I'll be able to get down to 99lbs // 45kg within the time that I stay here in hospital, well let's say I will do my utmost to make that happen.
Outlook for after IP
These are pictures from Tuesday evening and I don't even look underweight there.
I had another huge binge today and now I'm even more terrified of weigh in on monday.
I will weigh myself tomorrow morning to assess the damage done (I'm guessing 114-116lbs) and then take lax. 10 for sure.
I will banish the candy I bought and either throw it out or take it home. The latter is a binge risk as well though. I'm not sure yet.
The plan as of tomorrow is going back to past successful habits, aka either having or skipping breakfast, having a little bit of lunch and having or skipping dinner. Averaging 300-450 cals a day. That way I can also engage in some more physical activity and am not as ravenous.
I'm also thinking about leaving my debit card at home so I don't spend any more money on McDonald's or candy like I did yesterday and today.
I hope that I'll be able to get down to 99lbs // 45kg within the time that I stay here in hospital, well let's say I will do my utmost to make that happen.
Outlook for after IP
Spoiler
I really want to find a way to make my home a better place for controlled eating and easier weight loss. I do have some staple foods there already but I tend to do a lot of unplanned and spontaneous binge shopping so I need to create a different set up. It definitely always happens if I don't have a plan as to what I want to eat on certain days of the week and if I don't have any safe foods at home, which can't all be healthy because then I start craving binge foods even more.
If I go back to my old job - I just wrote a message that I'm gonna send my boss in the next few days, asking about different conditions for my job - I will have to rethink a lot.
As I work in the kitchen, I'm constantly around food, which in the past lead to a lot of snacking, plus I always binged when I came home from work no matter how late it was. So the key to that would most certainly be some kind of meal prep in form of a salad or something similar but low calorie.
I actually really hope to get the job back because I will have to start riding my bike there as the gas prices are insanely high, means more exercise.
I also still have my gym membership that I want and have to use more because I don't want to spend any more money on things I don't use.
All of that combined I should be able to lose the weight in an appropriate amount of time.
A detailed plan will obviously follow as soon as I know what's gonna happen with the job and in general after this hospital stay.
I really want to find a way to make my home a better place for controlled eating and easier weight loss. I do have some staple foods there already but I tend to do a lot of unplanned and spontaneous binge shopping so I need to create a different set up. It definitely always happens if I don't have a plan as to what I want to eat on certain days of the week and if I don't have any safe foods at home, which can't all be healthy because then I start craving binge foods even more.
If I go back to my old job - I just wrote a message that I'm gonna send my boss in the next few days, asking about different conditions for my job - I will have to rethink a lot.
As I work in the kitchen, I'm constantly around food, which in the past lead to a lot of snacking, plus I always binged when I came home from work no matter how late it was. So the key to that would most certainly be some kind of meal prep in form of a salad or something similar but low calorie.
I actually really hope to get the job back because I will have to start riding my bike there as the gas prices are insanely high, means more exercise.
I also still have my gym membership that I want and have to use more because I don't want to spend any more money on things I don't use.
All of that combined I should be able to lose the weight in an appropriate amount of time.
A detailed plan will obviously follow as soon as I know what's gonna happen with the job and in general after this hospital stay.
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Posted 19 February 2022 - 01:04 AM
DreamingDaintyyy, on 18 Feb 2022 - 8:57 PM, said:
Thank you so much, it actually means a lot to me!following of course
I read your whole thread my heart really goes out to you I hope things will turn out for the better soon
- DreamingDaintyyy likes this
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Posted 19 February 2022 - 03:29 AM
February 19th - Day 125
110.5 lbs // 50,1 kg // 17.8
Thank god it's not as bad as I imagined it to be but my scale doesn't show the same weight that the hospital's scale does so I'm probably actually 1.3 pounds higher than that which does freak me out quite a bit.
I'm waiting for lunch at 12pm where I'm having a potato-vegetable soup. After that I'm gonna take my 10 Dulcolax. I will try to cut back on my fluid intake as well for today and tomorrow as to not mess up the lax results too much.
I hope I can shed 2 pounds with the lax and then magically get back to 107.5 // 48,8 kg by Monday so that I at least maintained.
I won't do actual exercise this weekend so I won't gain any more water weight than absolutely necessary.
Other than that my plan for this weekend is to create a detailed plan for the time after I get discharged.
I also want to write my own little cookbook with all the recipes I can make that are low calorie and suit my needs but are also satisfying and prevent binges.
I'm gonna write my grocery list and different daily schedules for high, medium and low energy days.
This morning I went home to check my mail box and I found my nursing school contract being delivered. Great. This is gonna send me down a suicidal spiral again I assume. I'm just not 100% set on the idea of giving it up once again, for the 4th time actually. I really wonder if I'll ever be stable enough for a full time job, for nursing school or whatever other education. I wonder if I'll ever have a normal life.
110.5 lbs // 50,1 kg // 17.8
Thank god it's not as bad as I imagined it to be but my scale doesn't show the same weight that the hospital's scale does so I'm probably actually 1.3 pounds higher than that which does freak me out quite a bit.
I'm waiting for lunch at 12pm where I'm having a potato-vegetable soup. After that I'm gonna take my 10 Dulcolax. I will try to cut back on my fluid intake as well for today and tomorrow as to not mess up the lax results too much.
I hope I can shed 2 pounds with the lax and then magically get back to 107.5 // 48,8 kg by Monday so that I at least maintained.
I won't do actual exercise this weekend so I won't gain any more water weight than absolutely necessary.
Other than that my plan for this weekend is to create a detailed plan for the time after I get discharged.
I also want to write my own little cookbook with all the recipes I can make that are low calorie and suit my needs but are also satisfying and prevent binges.
I'm gonna write my grocery list and different daily schedules for high, medium and low energy days.
This morning I went home to check my mail box and I found my nursing school contract being delivered. Great. This is gonna send me down a suicidal spiral again I assume. I'm just not 100% set on the idea of giving it up once again, for the 4th time actually. I really wonder if I'll ever be stable enough for a full time job, for nursing school or whatever other education. I wonder if I'll ever have a normal life.
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Posted 19 February 2022 - 10:37 AM
I could kill my fucking self.
Thought it'd be a great idea to step on the scale before dinner. Gained 1.3 lbs throughout the day, then had to have dinner and ate much more than planned.
Lax didn't kick in just yet but I'm going insane.
And no one here understands.
Thought it'd be a great idea to step on the scale before dinner. Gained 1.3 lbs throughout the day, then had to have dinner and ate much more than planned.
Lax didn't kick in just yet but I'm going insane.
And no one here understands.
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Posted 19 February 2022 - 11:39 AM
Why am I so impatient?! Aaarrrgh! I hate myself. I went for a walk and bought myself something to eat because my brain was like "fuck it, I messed up anyway" and then on my way back to the clinic the lax cramps kicked in which means they're about to start working in a bit. I should've just waited a little longer for the effect then I prob wouldn't've binged.
I'm so stupid.
I'm so stupid.
#95
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Posted 20 February 2022 - 03:35 AM
February 20th - Day 126
109.3 lbs // 49,6 kg // 17.6
I could've been lower if I didn't mess up so badly yesterday but there's no point in beating myself up about it a day later still. Means, today is a new day and I can be better.
The only goal for today is to dry fast. Last weekend it proved to be much harder than I originally thought. The thing is, I have a very dry mouth since I'm here and I've been drinking double to triple the amount of water a day from what I drink at home so my body kinda got used to it the past three weeks. I've never craved something to drink as hard as I do here but I don't want to mess up the lax result with water weight gain and that will happen if I drink something today. Means it's one or two sips of water for each of my meds. Morning's iron supplement is already down and now I have to wait until 7:45pm for my quetiapine and maybe if I can't sleep another quetiapine at around 9:30 or 10pm.
Also! I ordered and air fryer off Amazon yesterday and it'll arrive on Wednesday together with 2 pounds erythritol for my yogurt and a fruit basket because I didn't have one yet.
I'm so excited for the air fryer though. I obviously won't be able to use it before I get out of here but because we have no such thing as zero calorie or 1 cal cooking sprays and stuff, I can throw everything in there plus I can finally have fries again without an immensely high cal count. Can't wait for it to be honest and I really hope it works as well es everyone says it does.
I haven't heard anything back from my boss yet, which is making me a little nervous but I'm trying to be patient because I know she always takes forever to reply.
I'm assuming that I'll be IP for another 2-3 weeks, that seems long an short at the same time and I don't know how to feel about it. Staying longer would give me the chance to lose more weight in a more strict environment aka they don't care all too much about my weight loss and if I can stick to not spending any money and the a little of this and a little of that b-f-d rule I created for myself, I should be able to shed a few more pounds and maybe walk out of here bein 99 lbs.
When I'm back home, I think it'd be the most sensible idea to do high restriction (1000 cals) so that I can still allow myself some stuff I crave without having to feel too bad about it. Which I'm gonna do either way lol, but you know what I mean.
As I want to throw in more exercise and because I'm gonna be working again at some point, I have to be more sensible about my calorie intake if I don't want to be caught in a binge-restrict cycle again and again. I'm so sick of it and dealing with that would be way worse than reaching my ugw a little slower.
109.3 lbs // 49,6 kg // 17.6
I could've been lower if I didn't mess up so badly yesterday but there's no point in beating myself up about it a day later still. Means, today is a new day and I can be better.
The only goal for today is to dry fast. Last weekend it proved to be much harder than I originally thought. The thing is, I have a very dry mouth since I'm here and I've been drinking double to triple the amount of water a day from what I drink at home so my body kinda got used to it the past three weeks. I've never craved something to drink as hard as I do here but I don't want to mess up the lax result with water weight gain and that will happen if I drink something today. Means it's one or two sips of water for each of my meds. Morning's iron supplement is already down and now I have to wait until 7:45pm for my quetiapine and maybe if I can't sleep another quetiapine at around 9:30 or 10pm.
Also! I ordered and air fryer off Amazon yesterday and it'll arrive on Wednesday together with 2 pounds erythritol for my yogurt and a fruit basket because I didn't have one yet.
I'm so excited for the air fryer though. I obviously won't be able to use it before I get out of here but because we have no such thing as zero calorie or 1 cal cooking sprays and stuff, I can throw everything in there plus I can finally have fries again without an immensely high cal count. Can't wait for it to be honest and I really hope it works as well es everyone says it does.
I haven't heard anything back from my boss yet, which is making me a little nervous but I'm trying to be patient because I know she always takes forever to reply.
I'm assuming that I'll be IP for another 2-3 weeks, that seems long an short at the same time and I don't know how to feel about it. Staying longer would give me the chance to lose more weight in a more strict environment aka they don't care all too much about my weight loss and if I can stick to not spending any money and the a little of this and a little of that b-f-d rule I created for myself, I should be able to shed a few more pounds and maybe walk out of here bein 99 lbs.
When I'm back home, I think it'd be the most sensible idea to do high restriction (1000 cals) so that I can still allow myself some stuff I crave without having to feel too bad about it. Which I'm gonna do either way lol, but you know what I mean.
As I want to throw in more exercise and because I'm gonna be working again at some point, I have to be more sensible about my calorie intake if I don't want to be caught in a binge-restrict cycle again and again. I'm so sick of it and dealing with that would be way worse than reaching my ugw a little slower.
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Posted 20 February 2022 - 01:17 PM
I think I'm getting my period again this month. Ugh. If I hadn't binged the past week my body probably wouldn't have done that.
I know losing your period is very bad but I so desperately want it to be gone.
My plan for when I'm back home is to do a high volume low calorie diet. Means I'm gonna have to stock up on vegetables and fruits and lean meat that I can cook in the air fryer or that tastes good when I cook it in water.
My grocery list is ever growing and I really hope to come home and be on track.
It's 9:15pm now and I'm gonna try and sleep soon. Tomorrow is weigh in and I'm panicking. I know I'll have gained but that doesn't make it better.
Yesterday evening on my binge walk, I found some glass shards on the street and picked them up in case I feel the need to sh after tomorrow's weigh in. I know that's a horrible idea because of infection risk and because they might kick me out if I hurt myself but I just don't know how to deal with it if I don't. The alternative would be to go home and get my scalpel but because I gave them my key they always ask if I feel stable enough to go home. And I don't feel like lying to them.
Also, one of the nurses who put in the food orders for the upcoming week told me yesterday that she ordered more for me than I put on the ordering sheet, means I'll not only get muesli for breakfast and one package of crisp bread with cream cheese, but also fruit and yogurt and more bread and cheese. Like who tf allowed you to do that? That's such a huge binge trigger for me and she just said "do whatever you want with it" like what's the point then if I'm just gonna let it go back to the kitchen where they throw it out anyway?!
I know losing your period is very bad but I so desperately want it to be gone.
My plan for when I'm back home is to do a high volume low calorie diet. Means I'm gonna have to stock up on vegetables and fruits and lean meat that I can cook in the air fryer or that tastes good when I cook it in water.
My grocery list is ever growing and I really hope to come home and be on track.
It's 9:15pm now and I'm gonna try and sleep soon. Tomorrow is weigh in and I'm panicking. I know I'll have gained but that doesn't make it better.
Yesterday evening on my binge walk, I found some glass shards on the street and picked them up in case I feel the need to sh after tomorrow's weigh in. I know that's a horrible idea because of infection risk and because they might kick me out if I hurt myself but I just don't know how to deal with it if I don't. The alternative would be to go home and get my scalpel but because I gave them my key they always ask if I feel stable enough to go home. And I don't feel like lying to them.
Also, one of the nurses who put in the food orders for the upcoming week told me yesterday that she ordered more for me than I put on the ordering sheet, means I'll not only get muesli for breakfast and one package of crisp bread with cream cheese, but also fruit and yogurt and more bread and cheese. Like who tf allowed you to do that? That's such a huge binge trigger for me and she just said "do whatever you want with it" like what's the point then if I'm just gonna let it go back to the kitchen where they throw it out anyway?!
#97
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Posted 20 February 2022 - 11:46 PM
February 21st - Day 127
109.2 lbs // 49.5 kg // 17.5
The difference between mine and their scale was only 0.3 pounds this morning. Weird.
Anyways, the dry fast didn't do anything in terms of weight loss which is kind of a bummer but at least it's better than gaining. I'm glad to be not far off of last weeks weight, well I'm trying not to be too upset about it.
For next Monday however I do want to be at 103.6 lbs // 47,0 kg so that my BMI drops into the 16's.
I'm also trying to tell myself that the nurses and doctors are not laughing about me behind my back about my weight gain but that's very hard to believe.
I have one hour sports class today (which isn't that exhausting or extensive so I won't burn that much), tomorrow it's an hour of nordic walking (not too extensive either) and then I can add my 30 minute gym time each day until Friday morning so that I have the weekend to recover and shed the water weight.
I know yesterday I promised myself not to take lax ever again because I was in agonizing pain but I will for sure take them again, this time a little later though so they kick in on Sunday, because I know I won't have a BM without them and that'd mess with the weigh in. And I want to take them later so that I don't have such a long time of fasting ahead of me.
109.2 lbs // 49.5 kg // 17.5
The difference between mine and their scale was only 0.3 pounds this morning. Weird.
Anyways, the dry fast didn't do anything in terms of weight loss which is kind of a bummer but at least it's better than gaining. I'm glad to be not far off of last weeks weight, well I'm trying not to be too upset about it.
For next Monday however I do want to be at 103.6 lbs // 47,0 kg so that my BMI drops into the 16's.
I'm also trying to tell myself that the nurses and doctors are not laughing about me behind my back about my weight gain but that's very hard to believe.
I have one hour sports class today (which isn't that exhausting or extensive so I won't burn that much), tomorrow it's an hour of nordic walking (not too extensive either) and then I can add my 30 minute gym time each day until Friday morning so that I have the weekend to recover and shed the water weight.
I know yesterday I promised myself not to take lax ever again because I was in agonizing pain but I will for sure take them again, this time a little later though so they kick in on Sunday, because I know I won't have a BM without them and that'd mess with the weigh in. And I want to take them later so that I don't have such a long time of fasting ahead of me.
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Posted 21 February 2022 - 03:21 PM
Today's a complete fail again. Why, you might ask? Because I'm on my period. I really miss the old days when my period didn't affect my eating but since this relapse it does and I freaking hate it.
I binged on McDonald's and now on chocolate and candy. I hate this so much. I feel so embarrassed. Why am I like this? All I wanted for this month is to be 99lbs and lose my period but nope I'm back in a binge-restrict cycle and it's awful.
I binged on McDonald's and now on chocolate and candy. I hate this so much. I feel so embarrassed. Why am I like this? All I wanted for this month is to be 99lbs and lose my period but nope I'm back in a binge-restrict cycle and it's awful.
#99
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Posted 22 February 2022 - 01:06 AM
February 22nd - Day 128
Greed. Gluttony. Obesity. A way I absolutely don't want to go down but some of the things I fear most. This is the reason I don't and I can't recover. Well one of the reasons.
This post is inspired by another member of this site that resonated all to well with my own life/way of thinking/feelings.
Yesterday, when I went home, I was craving fast food and because there was nothing that could've stopped me, I went to McDonald's. I could've purchased only one item because I wouldn't be able to finish more anyway. But I felt overwhelmed by the cravings and so I ordered 6 items, took them home and sat on my kitchen table. I had no hunger whatsoever. It was just pure greed. I started ravenously eating, picking a little from this and a little from that and only finishing my salad and most of one of the burgers, one chicken nugget, some fries and a few bites of the wrap.
I was full to the point where I was so bloated that it hurt, where I felt so uncomfortable that I would've just put myself to sleep in order not to have to feel the discomfort.
I packed up some more clothes for the clinic and went back to the hospital. On my way I have to walk through the inner city with all the stores and pass by a shop that sells lots of candy. I was almost past it when something inside me physically drew me backwards and into that store. Cravings for sweets hit. I went to the cabdy isle and spent a good amount of money on chocolate and other sweets. When I came back into my room at the clinic, my roommate was about to leave for an appointment and I kept waiting for her to be gone so I could gorge on the stuff I had just bought.
I still felt complete discomfort from the binge earlier but couldn't stop myself from binging on the sweets and so I ate more and more whenever I had the chance until late at night 1am.
The question is: Why can't I ever feel satisfied? Why do I always want more? Why is it never enough? And most importantly how am I gonna get to my goal if it's always like this? And it really always is.
Greed. Gluttony. Obesity. A way I absolutely don't want to go down but some of the things I fear most. This is the reason I don't and I can't recover. Well one of the reasons.
This post is inspired by another member of this site that resonated all to well with my own life/way of thinking/feelings.
Yesterday, when I went home, I was craving fast food and because there was nothing that could've stopped me, I went to McDonald's. I could've purchased only one item because I wouldn't be able to finish more anyway. But I felt overwhelmed by the cravings and so I ordered 6 items, took them home and sat on my kitchen table. I had no hunger whatsoever. It was just pure greed. I started ravenously eating, picking a little from this and a little from that and only finishing my salad and most of one of the burgers, one chicken nugget, some fries and a few bites of the wrap.
I was full to the point where I was so bloated that it hurt, where I felt so uncomfortable that I would've just put myself to sleep in order not to have to feel the discomfort.
I packed up some more clothes for the clinic and went back to the hospital. On my way I have to walk through the inner city with all the stores and pass by a shop that sells lots of candy. I was almost past it when something inside me physically drew me backwards and into that store. Cravings for sweets hit. I went to the cabdy isle and spent a good amount of money on chocolate and other sweets. When I came back into my room at the clinic, my roommate was about to leave for an appointment and I kept waiting for her to be gone so I could gorge on the stuff I had just bought.
I still felt complete discomfort from the binge earlier but couldn't stop myself from binging on the sweets and so I ate more and more whenever I had the chance until late at night 1am.
The question is: Why can't I ever feel satisfied? Why do I always want more? Why is it never enough? And most importantly how am I gonna get to my goal if it's always like this? And it really always is.
#100
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Posted 23 February 2022 - 12:47 AM
February 23rd - Day 129
The days pass by and nothing happens. I've been IP for 3.5 weeks now and I made zero progress in any direction. The only thing that's for sure is, that I won't be going to nursing school.
Apparently my case will be discussed tomorrow and one of the options for me is to be on sick leave for the rest of 2022. I think that's crazy, on the other hand it gives me time to do stuff I want to do but also pretty sure won't do because either I have no money or I can't get myself out of the house.
In some way I just want to go back to my old workplace and work myself to the brink of death. Resulting in weight loss and depression but that's basically 3 in 1.
My weight's going up and up and I'm ruining all the progress I made during the first days here. I'm deeply embarrassed and ashamed. I hate how I started struggling with binging and cravings during my period because it's never been like that and since summer last year I have to deal with that as well.
What's also weird is, that my bad thoughts don't creep in at night anymore since I'm in the hospital, instead they're there during the day. In some way it's less awful because I can just randomly fall asleep at daytime, much better than at night, but it's also super annoying and strange because if I would want to (which I currently do) hurt myself, I'd have to do it in the light of day and not as usual after like 10pm. There's just no urges at night and it feels so different and strange and I kinda hate that.
The days pass by and nothing happens. I've been IP for 3.5 weeks now and I made zero progress in any direction. The only thing that's for sure is, that I won't be going to nursing school.
Apparently my case will be discussed tomorrow and one of the options for me is to be on sick leave for the rest of 2022. I think that's crazy, on the other hand it gives me time to do stuff I want to do but also pretty sure won't do because either I have no money or I can't get myself out of the house.
In some way I just want to go back to my old workplace and work myself to the brink of death. Resulting in weight loss and depression but that's basically 3 in 1.
My weight's going up and up and I'm ruining all the progress I made during the first days here. I'm deeply embarrassed and ashamed. I hate how I started struggling with binging and cravings during my period because it's never been like that and since summer last year I have to deal with that as well.
What's also weird is, that my bad thoughts don't creep in at night anymore since I'm in the hospital, instead they're there during the day. In some way it's less awful because I can just randomly fall asleep at daytime, much better than at night, but it's also super annoying and strange because if I would want to (which I currently do) hurt myself, I'd have to do it in the light of day and not as usual after like 10pm. There's just no urges at night and it feels so different and strange and I kinda hate that.
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Posted 07 April 2022 - 02:06 PM
BODY RECOMPOSITION ROUND NO. 1
Okay so I just created a plan for the upcoming weeks in hopes I'll be able to recomp my body aka lose the fat and gain some muscle or at least maintain the muscle mass I currently have.
I will give this a try for the next 4-6 weeks. If I don't see any changes, I will have to adjust the plan.
The progress will be tracked primarily through pictures and measurements, but I'm still gonna weigh myself. Weigh ins will take place every Friday morning.
I calculated two versions of the plan but decided to go with the lower calorie one as the other one seems to be very unreasonable because I for sure don't burn 2,153 cals a day.
BMR: 1,538 cal
TDEE: 1,845 cal
Macronutrient distribution training days
1,624 cal
162g protein
101g carbs
63g fats
Macronutrient distribution non-training days
1,329 cal
150g protein
66g carbs
51g fats
I'm not sure about the calories on non-training days tho. The rules say that one should consume 20-30% less calories than one's TDEE on those days. But I highly doubt my TDEE on non-training days is as high as the one on training days.
Calculating with a TDEE of 1,700 on those days would give me the following macro nutrient distribution:
1,190 cals
134g protein
59g carbs
46g fats
I will exercise on Friday, Saturday, Monday and Wednesday. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday are rest days.
I might shift the days in about 2 weeks though, as I'll be having my therapist appointment Friday mornings from then on and I don't know if that fits with going to the gym in the mornings which is something I really want to establish as a new habit.
I still have the easter vacation with my family coming up but I'm gonna stick to enjoying it. I will not let it ruin my mood or my progress but I will still try and stick to my body's cues when it says I'm full, which can be hard with a grandma who always tries to overfeed me. I'll be beack home by Monday evening (April 18th) and will then continue my program.
I hope to be able to get to 110 lbs // 50,0 kg again by the end of the 6 weeks which is gonna be tough given I don't really have a high calorie deficit if I don't do much more cardio, nevertheless I'm gonna try and get there asap.
Okay so I just created a plan for the upcoming weeks in hopes I'll be able to recomp my body aka lose the fat and gain some muscle or at least maintain the muscle mass I currently have.
I will give this a try for the next 4-6 weeks. If I don't see any changes, I will have to adjust the plan.
The progress will be tracked primarily through pictures and measurements, but I'm still gonna weigh myself. Weigh ins will take place every Friday morning.
I calculated two versions of the plan but decided to go with the lower calorie one as the other one seems to be very unreasonable because I for sure don't burn 2,153 cals a day.
BMR: 1,538 cal
TDEE: 1,845 cal
Macronutrient distribution training days
1,624 cal
162g protein
101g carbs
63g fats
Macronutrient distribution non-training days
1,329 cal
150g protein
66g carbs
51g fats
I'm not sure about the calories on non-training days tho. The rules say that one should consume 20-30% less calories than one's TDEE on those days. But I highly doubt my TDEE on non-training days is as high as the one on training days.
Calculating with a TDEE of 1,700 on those days would give me the following macro nutrient distribution:
1,190 cals
134g protein
59g carbs
46g fats
I will exercise on Friday, Saturday, Monday and Wednesday. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday are rest days.
I might shift the days in about 2 weeks though, as I'll be having my therapist appointment Friday mornings from then on and I don't know if that fits with going to the gym in the mornings which is something I really want to establish as a new habit.
I still have the easter vacation with my family coming up but I'm gonna stick to enjoying it. I will not let it ruin my mood or my progress but I will still try and stick to my body's cues when it says I'm full, which can be hard with a grandma who always tries to overfeed me. I'll be beack home by Monday evening (April 18th) and will then continue my program.
I hope to be able to get to 110 lbs // 50,0 kg again by the end of the 6 weeks which is gonna be tough given I don't really have a high calorie deficit if I don't do much more cardio, nevertheless I'm gonna try and get there asap.
#162
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Posted 08 April 2022 - 12:22 AM
April 8th 2022 - BRR1 W1-1
Starting Weight: 128.7 lbs // 58,4 kg // 20.7
I took measurements but forgot to save it in the app, so yeah gotta redo them tomorrow morning.
I also forgot to take pictures, but I suppose taking them tomorrow won't make such a big difference. Would have taken them now but I already had my protein shake so I look bloated already, more than I already do anyway.
I actually made it to the gym by 7:10am, which is a huge accomplishment and feels great. I was scared to use the machines at first but because it wasn't too busy, I felt comfortable enough to do upper body/arms. I also did 20 minutes on the treadmill which isn't a lot but it being not even 9:30am and I already burnt 1,000 calories does feel great. I'm just trying not to freak out or be too anxious about not reaching my TDEE target for today.
I'll be driving home to my family tomorrow by noon. My sister will be going to the gym with me on Tuesday and maybe on Sunday or Monday as well.
Today I'm gonna visit my dog and I also have to do some apartment cleaning because my mom and a friend of hers are coming to my place Tuesday after Easter holidays to bring me my kitchen cabinet and take the upper part of it.
Oh and I also finally got my period. I was waiting for it because I want it to be over before we leave for France. I suppose I'm not gonna lose it any time soon although I keep wishing for it.
Starting Weight: 128.7 lbs // 58,4 kg // 20.7
I took measurements but forgot to save it in the app, so yeah gotta redo them tomorrow morning.
I also forgot to take pictures, but I suppose taking them tomorrow won't make such a big difference. Would have taken them now but I already had my protein shake so I look bloated already, more than I already do anyway.
I actually made it to the gym by 7:10am, which is a huge accomplishment and feels great. I was scared to use the machines at first but because it wasn't too busy, I felt comfortable enough to do upper body/arms. I also did 20 minutes on the treadmill which isn't a lot but it being not even 9:30am and I already burnt 1,000 calories does feel great. I'm just trying not to freak out or be too anxious about not reaching my TDEE target for today.
I'll be driving home to my family tomorrow by noon. My sister will be going to the gym with me on Tuesday and maybe on Sunday or Monday as well.
Today I'm gonna visit my dog and I also have to do some apartment cleaning because my mom and a friend of hers are coming to my place Tuesday after Easter holidays to bring me my kitchen cabinet and take the upper part of it.
Oh and I also finally got my period. I was waiting for it because I want it to be over before we leave for France. I suppose I'm not gonna lose it any time soon although I keep wishing for it.
#163
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Posted 09 April 2022 - 05:44 AM
April 9th 2022 - BRR1 W1-2
I drove to my mom's place yesterday noon. I'm gonna have much more food and higher calorie food than I would have being by myself. So ice cream, puff pastry with cherry filling, bread rolls, chips, fries and so on. It's very hard to restrict around my mom so I'm trying to be okay with it. I know the entire week will set me back weight wise and that's mentally really tough on me. The thoughts are the worst but I have to get through this somehow. It's just one week, it's just one week, it's just one week. After that I can get back to medium restriction and extensive exercise.
I drove to my mom's place yesterday noon. I'm gonna have much more food and higher calorie food than I would have being by myself. So ice cream, puff pastry with cherry filling, bread rolls, chips, fries and so on. It's very hard to restrict around my mom so I'm trying to be okay with it. I know the entire week will set me back weight wise and that's mentally really tough on me. The thoughts are the worst but I have to get through this somehow. It's just one week, it's just one week, it's just one week. After that I can get back to medium restriction and extensive exercise.
#164
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Posted 10 April 2022 - 06:46 AM
April 10th 2022 - BRR1 W1-3
I made it to the gym and did an hour on the treadmill. I think I'll make sundsys my cardio days. Burnt 500cals which is pretty good I guess. The hardest part is getting through it mentally. Physically I'm alright until about 45 minutes and then I start feeling it, but I can push through the last 15 minutes no problem. Mentally it gets tough after about 15 minutes already but I made it through today. Really need to work on my mental strength, exercise related and non exercise related.
I weighed myself on my mom's scale this morning but I'm not sure if I can trust it. Could be accurate, could not be.
Tomorrow's rest day and Tuesday is gym with my sister.
I made it to the gym and did an hour on the treadmill. I think I'll make sundsys my cardio days. Burnt 500cals which is pretty good I guess. The hardest part is getting through it mentally. Physically I'm alright until about 45 minutes and then I start feeling it, but I can push through the last 15 minutes no problem. Mentally it gets tough after about 15 minutes already but I made it through today. Really need to work on my mental strength, exercise related and non exercise related.
I weighed myself on my mom's scale this morning but I'm not sure if I can trust it. Could be accurate, could not be.
Tomorrow's rest day and Tuesday is gym with my sister.
#165
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Posted 11 April 2022 - 02:57 PM
April 11th - BRR1 W1-4
Didn't do much today. Finished refurbishing the lower part of my kitchen cupboard, it looks pretty nice and I'm actually a little proud of it.
I'm also looking more and more into gymtok which is becoming an unhealthy obsession as well but I guess it's better than being on edtok.
Tomorrow gym with my sister, don't know what she has planned to do. I'll see.
I ordered tons of supplements, protein powder, bcaa's, creatine and caffeine. I'm still very much afraid to go into the free weights section of my gym by myself but I'm hoping to get over that fear soon.
I'm off to sleep now, it's almost midnight and although I don't have to get up before 10:30am tomorrow morning, there's lots I want to do tomorrow. Going to Ikea to get new hangers that match my other ones. Go to the garden center, probably more than one, to buy flowers for my grandpa's grave for easter and maybe get a plant for myself. And then it's my youngest cousin's birthday, she's turning 14 already. Time flies. I'm turning 25 in just a few months ugh, really don't want to celebrate that.
Didn't do much today. Finished refurbishing the lower part of my kitchen cupboard, it looks pretty nice and I'm actually a little proud of it.
I'm also looking more and more into gymtok which is becoming an unhealthy obsession as well but I guess it's better than being on edtok.
Tomorrow gym with my sister, don't know what she has planned to do. I'll see.
I ordered tons of supplements, protein powder, bcaa's, creatine and caffeine. I'm still very much afraid to go into the free weights section of my gym by myself but I'm hoping to get over that fear soon.
I'm off to sleep now, it's almost midnight and although I don't have to get up before 10:30am tomorrow morning, there's lots I want to do tomorrow. Going to Ikea to get new hangers that match my other ones. Go to the garden center, probably more than one, to buy flowers for my grandpa's grave for easter and maybe get a plant for myself. And then it's my youngest cousin's birthday, she's turning 14 already. Time flies. I'm turning 25 in just a few months ugh, really don't want to celebrate that.
#166
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Posted 11 April 2022 - 02:58 PM
Also, as soon as I'm home again from my easter vacation, I'm gonna post more pictures again. I'm indecisive whether I should restart my BRR count as I'm thrown off track this week, or not. What do you guys think?
#167
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Posted 12 April 2022 - 01:59 PM
April 12th 2022 - BRR1 W1-5
Today was a good day. I went to the gym with my sister and we did upper body. Lots of fun and I'm actually stronger than I thought when ut comes to my arms.
In the afternoon we went to my cousin's birthday and I was happy to see her and my other cousins. The youngest really missed me and we spent some time being silly and talking. I really adore him.
This evening I spent about 1.5 hours on creating a proper workout plan which I'm gonna start following as of next week. I'm actually feeling like I'd be comfortable enough to go to the male dominated free weights section by myself next time. I really hope I can follow through with it.
Plan for tomorrow is to do some shopping, the stuff I wasn't able to do today and then bake carrot cake for easter, either tomorrow night or early Thursday morning before we drive to France.
Today was a good day. I went to the gym with my sister and we did upper body. Lots of fun and I'm actually stronger than I thought when ut comes to my arms.
In the afternoon we went to my cousin's birthday and I was happy to see her and my other cousins. The youngest really missed me and we spent some time being silly and talking. I really adore him.
This evening I spent about 1.5 hours on creating a proper workout plan which I'm gonna start following as of next week. I'm actually feeling like I'd be comfortable enough to go to the male dominated free weights section by myself next time. I really hope I can follow through with it.
Plan for tomorrow is to do some shopping, the stuff I wasn't able to do today and then bake carrot cake for easter, either tomorrow night or early Thursday morning before we drive to France.
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0yhz 90 day challenge
Started by yhz, May 28 2022 06:53 AM
2 replies to this topic
#1
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Advanced Warrior
Posted 28 May 2022 - 06:53 AM
welcome to the thread.
I am getting a inverted-t mastopexy (breast lift) surgery done on August 31st so I want to try to prepare my body.
My mental state is not okay. I find myself having very violent thoughts. If I am not feeling aggressive, I am feeling very sad and sorrowful. I have no hobbies and all I do when I am not working is lie down in bed or clean the apartment.
I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I hate my body and my skin. My eating disorder is fake as I have never been thin and never received recognition in any type of treatment. I generally eat healthy and overeat sometimes and I crave sugar/salty all the time. Anyway, since I am so fat and I have so much flabby skin I need a solution...
Making an effort not to punch myself when I feel angry. I did a couple of superficial cuts on my clean thigh recently but I don't feel like it was a real relapse. I will try to do less skin picking but I don't think I am ready to spend less time wandering in thought or staring in the mirror yet.
Although I could undergo the surgery as I am, I think I should try to make an effort to improve my body. I cannot take it any longer. I feel so repulsive and saggy all the time. There is no real solution. This surgery will not fix it as my entire body is damaged good and ruined beyond repair. Anything past this point is just harm reduction so I don't become the ugliest and saggiest old hag around.
I am in the process of getting laser hair removal (full bikini) right now too. I have considered trying firming creams but I partially believe they are bogus. I am desperate, I might pay into it eventually.
26 years old | female
172.5 cm | hw: bmi 39 lw: bmi 20
My last challenge thread was successful, I managed to lose 10 pounds
#2
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Advanced Warrior
Posted 28 May 2022 - 08:56 AM
June July August
SU MO TU WE TH FR SA | SU MO TU WE TH FR SA | SU MO TU WE TH FR SA
00 00 00 1 2 3 4 | 00 00 00 00 00 1 2 | 00 1 2 3 4 5 6
5 6 7 8 9 10 11 | 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 | 7 8 9 10 11 12 13
12 13 14 15 16 17 18 | 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 | 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
19 20 21 22 23 24 25 | 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 | 21 22 23 24 25 26 27
26 27 28 29 30 00 00 | 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 | 28 29 30 31 00 00 00
00 00 00 00 00 00 00 | 31 00 00 00 00 00 00 | 00 00 00 00 00 00 00
good mediocre bad
I must make an effort to work out even though I am feeling unwell and am suffering burnout and exhaustion from work. I cannot afford to fail any longer.
In a perfect world I would be bmi 18 on August 31st, 2022. However I do not believe I am capable of such a change. A more realistic goal for myself would be to aim for bmi 19, although even this seems very far away. Official progress pictures will be done on the last day of every month and I will wear the same thing in them all for consistency sake.
#3
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Advanced Warrior
Posted 29 May 2022 - 11:42 AM
94 days remain.
I have been feeling very hungry these past couple of days. I over ate and indulged yesterday which gave me a pound of weight gain today on the scale.
Today I see myself following a similar pattern. I have been eating quite a bit and I still feel hungry. Really trying to focus on not having sugar, yummy carbs or alcohol. Cheated cause I got some hubba bubba chewing gum though. Did some low effort exercise this morning, trying to prepare for my challenge...
I am going to try to follow
That gives me 20 days buffer or room for error. Best case scenario I can finish strong with a 2 week ab intensive but that is wishful thinking.
I have been feeling very hungry these past couple of days. I over ate and indulged yesterday which gave me a pound of weight gain today on the scale.
Today I see myself following a similar pattern. I have been eating quite a bit and I still feel hungry. Really trying to focus on not having sugar, yummy carbs or alcohol. Cheated cause I got some hubba bubba chewing gum though. Did some low effort exercise this morning, trying to prepare for my challenge...
I am going to try to follow
That gives me 20 days buffer or room for error. Best case scenario I can finish strong with a 2 week ab intensive but that is wishful thinking.
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#1
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Advanced Guru
Posted 24 January 2022 - 09:08 AM
This is my motivation to get me to 90lbs-bmi 15
ill try to update everyday
Recently I have been b/p multiple times a day
I want to reduce this and increase restriction
Stats:
Hw-140lbs-At the time I was 5 foot 4 so bmi 24
Lw-96 lbs Bmi:16 //cw
Gw-90lbs-Bmi:15
Ugw-78lbs-Bmi:13.0
Gw 1-105lbs-17.5✅
Gw 2-100lbs-16.6✅
Gw 3-95lbs-15.8
Gw 4-90lbs-15.0
Gw 5-85lbs-14.1
Gw 6-80lbs-13.3
Ugw-78lbs-13.0
Btw Im just changing the title to each goal if that makes sense
ill try to update everyday
Recently I have been b/p multiple times a day
I want to reduce this and increase restriction
Stats:
Hw-140lbs-At the time I was 5 foot 4 so bmi 24
Lw-96 lbs Bmi:16 //cw
Gw-90lbs-Bmi:15
Ugw-78lbs-Bmi:13.0
Gw 1-105lbs-17.5✅
Gw 2-100lbs-16.6✅
Gw 3-95lbs-15.8
Gw 4-90lbs-15.0
Gw 5-85lbs-14.1
Gw 6-80lbs-13.3
Ugw-78lbs-13.0
Btw Im just changing the title to each goal if that makes sense
#3
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Posted 25 January 2022 - 08:21 AM
Day 1:107 lbs
today-3:19 and I have had nothing to eat or drink yet
Im planning on fasting today but I have two hours of dancing so I really hope I stay strong If I don’t I will just b/p but I want to fast today, planning on drinking something soon
I have had most of my green monster ultra and it tastes not the best-I use to be addicted now it’s sickening 22 hours in my fast-Going to get ready for dancing and then dance for 2 hours then hopefully just sleep when I get back
today-3:19 and I have had nothing to eat or drink yet
Im planning on fasting today but I have two hours of dancing so I really hope I stay strong If I don’t I will just b/p but I want to fast today, planning on drinking something soon
I have had most of my green monster ultra and it tastes not the best-I use to be addicted now it’s sickening 22 hours in my fast-Going to get ready for dancing and then dance for 2 hours then hopefully just sleep when I get back
#5
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Miss crybaby
Posted 25 January 2022 - 06:28 PM
we have very similar stats! i wish you good luck with your goals and please, stay safe (as much as you can) 
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#9
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Posted 26 January 2022 - 01:53 PM
I binge purged again after this-I was expecting two and after I was 105.5 then went 105.75 hopefully ill be 105 tomorrow this is my lw!!!! And hopefully I can get to double digits soon it has been a massive goal omg. But fr I need to stop b/p it’s so bad for health ext but I swear I loose more than when I fast like whattttttt
Planning on fasting tomorrow
Planning on fasting tomorrow
#10
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Posted 26 January 2022 - 06:29 PM
Unfortunately I am sitting downstairs with my sugary cheerios fml b/p again ill update weight after-this is what happens when I cant switch my brain off and sleep and I have to wake up 6:45 great. Also with purging i’m hands free not sure if they makes me fortunate or unfortunate
OMG I can’t believe it after purging I was 105/104.75lbs
OMG I can’t believe it after purging I was 105/104.75lbs
#13
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Posted 27 January 2022 - 11:17 AM
Today I have already b/p one and I actually tracked what I ate roughly lol-not calories though
Twirl
Lemon Kipling slice
4 Cheese melted wraps with guac
Coffee
Some baguette with butter
Marshmallows
Kit kat
2 cereal bars
Dried mango
Ice cream
Custard creams
Unfortunately though i gained 3/4 of a pound since the morning making me 16.9 but Im sure it will go also I am going to b/p soon again i’ll try and track it again
Twirl
Lemon Kipling slice
4 Cheese melted wraps with guac
Coffee
Some baguette with butter
Marshmallows
Kit kat
2 cereal bars
Dried mango
Ice cream
Custard creams
Unfortunately though i gained 3/4 of a pound since the morning making me 16.9 but Im sure it will go also I am going to b/p soon again i’ll try and track it again
#14
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Posted 27 January 2022 - 12:50 PM
2nd b/p of the day
Ice cream
Halloumi
Hash browns
Beans
Cheddar
2 chocolate eclairs
Biscuits
Chocolate cake
Crisps
Veggie crisps
Chocolate
More crisps
Mice pies lol-3
About to purge now I feel so sick
After purging-105.25-Bmi 17
Ice cream
Halloumi
Hash browns
Beans
Cheddar
2 chocolate eclairs
Biscuits
Chocolate cake
Crisps
Veggie crisps
Chocolate
More crisps
Mice pies lol-3
About to purge now I feel so sick
After purging-105.25-Bmi 17
#15
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Posted 27 January 2022 - 04:01 PM
Why do I feel so angry all the bloody time, Im going be nicer to my family from now on I always take it out on them when I should just take it out on myself
B/p makes me horrible when I want people to leave me alone so I can do my business in peace apparently I look sad all the time and my family feel like I don’t love them when I do so much now im balling my eyes out-theres a lot of have just bottled up it doesn’t help that Im tired hungry and have school tomorrow fml
B/p makes me horrible when I want people to leave me alone so I can do my business in peace apparently I look sad all the time and my family feel like I don’t love them when I do so much now im balling my eyes out-theres a lot of have just bottled up it doesn’t help that Im tired hungry and have school tomorrow fml
#16
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Posted 27 January 2022 - 04:03 PM
Also on Sunday Im going out to buy a tonne of binge food from Sainsbury's (uk supermarket) and McDonald’s breakfast and after 11 honestly can’t wait i’m going to write here what Im going get for a distraction:)
McDonald’s breakfast:
Normally I am vegetarian so I don’t normally eat meat but Im going to for this :/
-Breakfast Roll
-Bacon Roll
-Like 5 hash browns
-Muffin with jam
-Pancakes with syrup
-Strawberry lemonade
McDonald’s breakfast:
Normally I am vegetarian so I don’t normally eat meat but Im going to for this :/
-Breakfast Roll
-Bacon Roll
-Like 5 hash browns
-Muffin with jam
-Pancakes with syrup
-Strawberry lemonade
#17
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Posted 28 January 2022 - 12:01 PM
Day 4-104.5 lbs-16.9
I have had 2 binge/purges today
About to start my second purge now Im so tired and freezing cold
After my second purge i was 105.5 great
hopefully I’ll lose in the morning i get a LAY IN as well!
I have had 2 binge/purges today
About to start my second purge now Im so tired and freezing cold
After my second purge i was 105.5 great
hopefully I’ll lose in the morning i get a LAY IN as well!#18
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Posted 29 January 2022 - 05:15 AM
Day 5-105 lbs
Im going to tidy my whole room before I b/p cause it’s actually disgusting and I need to do it so bad
Update:
I finished tidying my room!!!
After i b/p
And now im on my second b/p
Soon i will p
At the end of the day with 2 b/p i was 105 lbs
Planning a fast on Tuesday as I have school and dancing which will help me break this plateau
God i want to be 100
And I am going to be weighed again for my ecg on Thursday great I was 49 kgs last time if im not at least 48 kg i will cry
And Im currently getting help by this eating disorder team but I not ready and very sneaky
Im going to tidy my whole room before I b/p cause it’s actually disgusting and I need to do it so bad
Update:
I finished tidying my room!!!
After i b/p
And now im on my second b/p
Soon i will p
At the end of the day with 2 b/p i was 105 lbs
Planning a fast on Tuesday as I have school and dancing which will help me break this plateau
God i want to be 100
And I am going to be weighed again for my ecg on Thursday great I was 49 kgs last time if im not at least 48 kg i will cry
And Im currently getting help by this eating disorder team but I not ready and very sneaky
#20
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Posted 30 January 2022 - 06:17 AM
So I did a McDonald’s b/p
Don’t recommend it was gross and I went to sainsburys to buy a tonne of binge food ill make a list of all of it later, once I have eaten all the binge food Im going try and stop b/p and just restrict cause I really need to stop this
Don’t recommend it was gross and I went to sainsburys to buy a tonne of binge food ill make a list of all of it later, once I have eaten all the binge food Im going try and stop b/p and just restrict cause I really need to stop this
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Posted 07 February 2022 - 02:54 PM
So before my second b/p i was really craving salt-like plain salt so i ate a load which now I regret cause I cant get my weight back down Im really stressing out I tried purging so much I think Im gonna call it a night and take 4 lax and fast Tuesday and Thursday
Im stressing so much as Im usually 103-4 now im 107 like I feel really weird and gross with myself and I can’t stand looking at myself right now idc im getting to 100lbs quick
Im stressing so much as Im usually 103-4 now im 107 like I feel really weird and gross with myself and I can’t stand looking at myself right now idc im getting to 100lbs quick
#42
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Posted 07 February 2022 - 03:06 PM
I literally feel humongous and bloated-perfect feeling i need to complete my fast
And I taste the horrible acidic taste in my mouth praying it was from the stupid salt i ate safe to say im now scared of extra salt
And I taste the horrible acidic taste in my mouth praying it was from the stupid salt i ate safe to say im now scared of extra salt
#55
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Posted 12 February 2022 - 05:42 PM
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Im so sorry that’s embarrassing
I understand now at least
I really want to post all of my food but I’m too scared if plates give away my identity or like the background so I’ll post if i think the pic is good enough
I’m also about to do something risky, its 1:13 am and I’m going to make pasta, not eat it till my binge cause my family aren’t going to both me (i know that sounds bad but yeah) I might just cook it plain and sort topping out tomorrow also im going to put my retainers in so i don’t eat, is it good i wear them when purging to protect my teeth
#58
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Posted 13 February 2022 - 11:09 AM
Here’s my first binge/purge of the day, we was out shopping with a 40 MIN drive home
Went to buy pizza, only had cash on me rip so I had no pizza nearly cried lol
Food was in me for too long for my liking but im the same weight as this morning so yeah
Went to buy pizza, only had cash on me rip so I had no pizza nearly cried lol
Food was in me for too long for my liking but im the same weight as this morning so yeah
#59
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Posted 13 February 2022 - 04:50 PM
Guys im really really out of it right now I don’t know what is going on so i will try to make sense when typing my brain is going at one million mph my hands are shaking like crazy my heart is beating really fast my whole body is skating i still have a bucket of sick hidden in my room that i have yet to take out but im to weak to move right now i am going to crash out any minute my hands are shaking so bloody much -I had just finished purging btw help
Help what do i do
Help what do i do
#60
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Miss crybaby
Posted 13 February 2022 - 06:31 PM
omg how are you feeling now?! this sounds scary, you should really check that with your doctor! i've never purged so i can't give you any advice, unfortunately. this might be an electrolyte imbalance or something, if it happened after you purged?
i hope nothing bad is gonna happen to you and i hope you'll manage to stop or at least try to decrease your b/p-ing
i hope nothing bad is gonna happen to you and i hope you'll manage to stop or at least try to decrease your b/p-ing
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Posted 25 February 2022 - 07:21 AM
Fuck
I feel horrible
Im 5 foot 5 instead of 5 foot 6-I feel so bad loads of my goal weights where linked with 5 foot 6 height instead of 5 foot 5 I need to re do all the weights in this whole thread-Ill probably only do like the title and the first post-we have some knew goals then-which will be even lower
Also at the appointment I said I stopped purging, which I have not and basically said I eat lol
Which is good so people don’t have to be as focused on stopping purging as Im literally addicted and I CANT stop not ready to give it up
I was so happy my bmi was 16 now its 16.5 Im literally so upset right now
Tbh it does make sense why I thought people my bmi looked way skinnier
I feel horrible
Im 5 foot 5 instead of 5 foot 6-I feel so bad loads of my goal weights where linked with 5 foot 6 height instead of 5 foot 5 I need to re do all the weights in this whole thread-Ill probably only do like the title and the first post-we have some knew goals then-which will be even lower
Also at the appointment I said I stopped purging, which I have not and basically said I eat lol
Which is good so people don’t have to be as focused on stopping purging as Im literally addicted and I CANT stop not ready to give it up
I was so happy my bmi was 16 now its 16.5
Im literally so upset right nowTbh it does make sense why I thought people my bmi looked way skinnier
#103
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Posted 25 February 2022 - 09:35 PM
I'm sorry you had that height scare, that truly is a horrible feeling, however I must say, you look very very skinny in the pictures you posted, so imo you absolutely don't have to worry about that. I get it tho especially when you're weight loss is also BMI focused.
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#104
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Posted 26 February 2022 - 04:27 AM
voiceless, on 25 Feb 2022 - 9:35 PM, said:
I'm sorry you had that height scare, that truly is a horrible feeling, however I must say, you look very very skinny in the pictures you posted, so imo you absolutely don't have to worry about that. I get it tho especially when you're weight loss is also BMI focused.
Thank you so much it’s was devastating oh well we carry on-dont be fooled by the pictures the ones with my ribs I’m sucking in and it does not look like that normally at all
#106
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Posted 26 February 2022 - 04:40 PM
I’m so manipulative omg
I don’t know even where to start but all of you should know is that I’m such a horrible manipulative person who is horrible to the people they love and who love me back I hate myself ew
And I do all of this to help me lose weight and enable me to b/p when it breaks peoples hearts and devastates then
I’m going to be nicer to everyone and stop putting my feelings first and just conform to society people have to way worse I need to forget about me
But i will carry on lying aghhh I hate myself for it but at least I’ll be nicer to people
I need to lie and my meal plan and not purging
Either at night or in the morning before anyone wakes up I will make a bowl of cereal and make it look like I have eaten it-as required on my meal plan
Either take lunch upstairs to my room to study on weekends or take it to school and have it in my b/p and dinner I’ll just b/p
I literally can’t gain weight and I will go to any length to lose weight and make sure i don’t gain
I hate myself
I don’t know even where to start but all of you should know is that I’m such a horrible manipulative person who is horrible to the people they love and who love me back I hate myself ew
And I do all of this to help me lose weight and enable me to b/p when it breaks peoples hearts and devastates then
I’m going to be nicer to everyone and stop putting my feelings first and just conform to society people have to way worse I need to forget about me
But i will carry on lying aghhh I hate myself for it but at least I’ll be nicer to people
I need to lie and my meal plan and not purging
Either at night or in the morning before anyone wakes up I will make a bowl of cereal and make it look like I have eaten it-as required on my meal plan
Either take lunch upstairs to my room to study on weekends or take it to school and have it in my b/p and dinner I’ll just b/p
I literally can’t gain weight and I will go to any length to lose weight and make sure i don’t gain
I hate myself
#107
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Posted 27 February 2022 - 05:56 AM
27th February
99lbs with clothes again
So far I have faked breakfast chocolate croissants and cinnamon buns-just took them up in my room and put it in a container to save for my next b/p which will either be at lunch or dinner-since I have just been revising which is good as Im so behind
And I have been a lot nicer to everyone today which is also really good and I am a bit hungry not to much though
99lbs with clothes again
So far I have faked breakfast chocolate croissants and cinnamon buns-just took them up in my room and put it in a container to save for my next b/p which will either be at lunch or dinner-since I have just been revising which is good as Im so behind
And I have been a lot nicer to everyone today which is also really good and I am a bit hungry not to much though
#109
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Posted 01 March 2022 - 11:31 AM
following! good luck, sweet girl. I’m on the same route you are in terms of bmis and having a similar goal
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Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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#110
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Posted 03 March 2022 - 10:41 AM
inevitablestarvation, on 01 Mar 2022 - 11:31 AM, said:
following! good luck, sweet girl. I’m on the same route you are in terms of bmis and having a similar goal
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Thank you so so much!!! Good luck to you to
#113
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Posted 03 March 2022 - 03:27 PM
voiceless, on 03 Mar 2022 - 2:48 PM, said:
Wohoo! Glad to hear from you, I hope you're as safe and well as possible.
Yeah I have literally no time school takes up everything ffs Im very sorry to hear how you are feeling~you’re in my thoughts and I hope things get better
#114
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Posted 04 March 2022 - 12:27 AM
DreamingDaintyyy, on 03 Mar 2022 - 3:27 PM, said:
Thank you, it's tough but I'm home soon and then I will get back on track and things hopefully improveYeah I have literally no time school takes up everything ffs Im very sorry to hear how you are feeling~you’re in my thoughts and I hope things get better
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Miss crybaby
#120
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Posted 24 March 2022 - 09:50 AM
Ok so I am back I didn’t mean to but I took a break and I defo need to catch up
I got to 95 lbs but i just weighed myself with clothes and Im 98 lbs
I have literally been exactly the same b/p multiple times every day and faking my weight on weigh ins to ed team they think Im doing well when actually Im exactly the same I don’t know if I should tell them the truth if i do i will probably get inpatient and I cant do that so one lie turned into multiple and yeah :/
Sorry for being so absent I promise ill be back
I got to 95 lbs but i just weighed myself with clothes and Im 98 lbs
I have literally been exactly the same b/p multiple times every day and faking my weight on weigh ins to ed team they think Im doing well when actually Im exactly the same I don’t know if I should tell them the truth if i do i will probably get inpatient and I cant do that so one lie turned into multiple and yeah :/
Sorry for being so absent I promise ill be back
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