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Posted 26 February 2022 - 05:14 PM
never mind, i hate myself for eating over my limit. i should’ve just exercised more. i also need to stop drinking soda entirely again. i’ve been drinking coke zero starlight since tuesday and it’s making me feel overly full and bloated and disgusting. i hate myself and i want to die.
#308 
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Posted 27 February 2022 - 01:20 AM
i’m back up to 201. i’m a fucking failure. i knew that would happen and i did it anyway. i’m disgusting. no wonder everyone leaves. i deserve it.
i’m skipping the day trip tomorrow. i don’t want to eat. i can’t risk gaining again. i’m going to stay home and exercise until i fucking collapse. i need to burn off every ounce of goddamn fat. i need to be better. i need to do better. i need to be fucking perfect. maybe then someone will love me.
i’m skipping the day trip tomorrow. i don’t want to eat. i can’t risk gaining again. i’m going to stay home and exercise until i fucking collapse. i need to burn off every ounce of goddamn fat. i need to be better. i need to do better. i need to be fucking perfect. maybe then someone will love me.
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#311
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Posted 27 February 2022 - 01:16 PM
02/27/2022
morning weigh in: 199.8
intake:
• veggie dog (130)
• brussels sprouts with apples (150)
• funfetti ice cream cup (90)
total:370 280
i maintained, which i suppose is better than gaining.
i’m having (approximately) 280 calories today. the brussels sprouts are hard to calculate, but just from raw ingredients they’d be around 110; i rounded up to 150 to account for any oil or anything. i had my veggie dog on a slice of bread instead of a bun, which cut 30 calories. so i’m at around 280 calories; no more than 300, at any rate.
my heart hurts. my ex has fully moved on with no regards to me; when i tried to warn his new girlfriend, she wouldn’t listen. i don’t know why i expected her to, considering how good he is at manipulative people. but then they started mocking my suicide attempts, saying that ‘suicidal gestures’ didn’t count as attempts, as though he didn’t sit with me for a day and a half in the icu when i overdosed… it triggered me a lot; i’ve been suicidal since then, planning things out. the only thing that stopped me is the fact that my roommates didn’t go on their day trip, which means me leaving the house to do it is basically impossible; i promised them i wouldn’t attempt in their house, and as much as i want to do it, i won’t put them through that.
and… if i don’t ‘succeed’, so to speak, my life is worse off for it. more medical bills i can’t pay, and it delays me actually getting my shit together by at least two weeks. so… i have to push through it, deal with it, and pray that this gets easier. less painful. that one day things will fall into place and i’ll be okay again.
morning weigh in: 199.8
intake:
• veggie dog (130)
• brussels sprouts with apples (150)
total:
i maintained, which i suppose is better than gaining.
i’m having (approximately) 280 calories today. the brussels sprouts are hard to calculate, but just from raw ingredients they’d be around 110; i rounded up to 150 to account for any oil or anything. i had my veggie dog on a slice of bread instead of a bun, which cut 30 calories. so i’m at around 280 calories; no more than 300, at any rate.
my heart hurts. my ex has fully moved on with no regards to me; when i tried to warn his new girlfriend, she wouldn’t listen. i don’t know why i expected her to, considering how good he is at manipulative people. but then they started mocking my suicide attempts, saying that ‘suicidal gestures’ didn’t count as attempts, as though he didn’t sit with me for a day and a half in the icu when i overdosed… it triggered me a lot; i’ve been suicidal since then, planning things out. the only thing that stopped me is the fact that my roommates didn’t go on their day trip, which means me leaving the house to do it is basically impossible; i promised them i wouldn’t attempt in their house, and as much as i want to do it, i won’t put them through that.
and… if i don’t ‘succeed’, so to speak, my life is worse off for it. more medical bills i can’t pay, and it delays me actually getting my shit together by at least two weeks. so… i have to push through it, deal with it, and pray that this gets easier. less painful. that one day things will fall into place and i’ll be okay again.
#312
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Posted 28 February 2022 - 04:52 AM
yesterday ended up being a really good day. i had one bumble ‘date’ (read: hookup) that i don’t foresee going anywhere, but right after i got home, the guy i mentioned all the way back at the beginning of this thread messaged me. it turns out he didn’t block me, he deleted his entire facebook, and it had nothing to do with me at all. so, we’re talking again. nothing serious, obviously; he’s definitely not looking to get into a relationship, and i’m probably too traumatized by my ex to get into one soon, anyway. but we hung out for a bit (and hooked up), and made plans to hang out again next weekend (now this weekend, i suppose). that makes me happy. he’s really sweet, and we have a lot of common interests; if nothing else, it will be nice to finally have a friend here that i don’t live with.
now onto the part that i hate: i just weighed myself and i’m somehow up to 200.8, which makes no fucking sense. i wouldn’t mind it if i had binged yesterday, but i barely ate 300 calories, and that was over 12 hours ago; my stomach is so empty it hurts. i drank around 1.5 liters of water, which isn’t a lot, but it’s more than i have been drinking (damn you, coke zero starlight). so my only guess is water retention, but that doesn’t seem right either. i don’t know. i’ll weigh again in a few hours and see if it goes down. if not… i’ll deal with it, i guess. if that’s my weight for the day, it’s got to be a blip.
i’m worried about today, actually. my roommate’s mom’s birthday was a few days ago, so she invited us all over for a late birthday dinner, and i haven’t gone to see her the last few times my roommates went. she’s exhausting, but i don’t dislike her, and i don’t want her to think that i do, so i’ve basically obligated myself to go. unfortunately, this means food. homemade food that i don’t know the calories of and am socially obligated to eat. if i can stay under a guesstimated 500, i’ll consider it a win, but i can get away with a lot less there than i can here. she’s already commented on a few occasions about how i didn’t eat enough, ‘are you sure you don’t want seconds?’, things like that, and i’m already stressed out over my sudden weight gain as it is. i don’t even want to eat today, and now i have to eat things i don’t even know the calories of. i’m probably going to avoid eating up until dinner, just to be on the safe side.
anyway, that was a ramble. i’ll post a proper weigh-in in a few hours. hopefully my weight has gone down by then.
now onto the part that i hate: i just weighed myself and i’m somehow up to 200.8, which makes no fucking sense. i wouldn’t mind it if i had binged yesterday, but i barely ate 300 calories, and that was over 12 hours ago; my stomach is so empty it hurts. i drank around 1.5 liters of water, which isn’t a lot, but it’s more than i have been drinking (damn you, coke zero starlight). so my only guess is water retention, but that doesn’t seem right either. i don’t know. i’ll weigh again in a few hours and see if it goes down. if not… i’ll deal with it, i guess. if that’s my weight for the day, it’s got to be a blip.
i’m worried about today, actually. my roommate’s mom’s birthday was a few days ago, so she invited us all over for a late birthday dinner, and i haven’t gone to see her the last few times my roommates went. she’s exhausting, but i don’t dislike her, and i don’t want her to think that i do, so i’ve basically obligated myself to go. unfortunately, this means food. homemade food that i don’t know the calories of and am socially obligated to eat. if i can stay under a guesstimated 500, i’ll consider it a win, but i can get away with a lot less there than i can here. she’s already commented on a few occasions about how i didn’t eat enough, ‘are you sure you don’t want seconds?’, things like that, and i’m already stressed out over my sudden weight gain as it is. i don’t even want to eat today, and now i have to eat things i don’t even know the calories of. i’m probably going to avoid eating up until dinner, just to be on the safe side.
anyway, that was a ramble. i’ll post a proper weigh-in in a few hours. hopefully my weight has gone down by then.
#313
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Posted 28 February 2022 - 06:59 AM
02/28/2022
morning weigh in: —
intake:
• veggie dog (160)
• mashed cauliflower (~200?)
• bran bread with butter (~200)
• pot brownie (~120)
• mini kitkats (385)
total: 1065
okay, i am simply not logging my weight anywhere, because it went up again (???), and if i don’t log it, it doesn’t exist.
i really fucking hope this isn’t going to be a trend. last month i hit my goal a few days before the end of the month, gained back up, maintained the following two weeks, then lost ~10 lbs in two weeks. i’ve currently hit my goal a few days before the end of the month and gained back up. so, uh, body? we’re not doing this shit. we’re not gonna do the ‘maintain for two weeks and then drop to the next goal in two weeks’. no.
fingers crossed it’ll be down again tomorrow. at least below 200 again.
calorie goal for today is under 500, but if i eat a bit higher, i’m not going to beat myself up about it. maybe it’ll help stop whatever bullshit fuckery my body is trying to pull. i don’t know. i’ll update later.
morning weigh in: —
intake:
• veggie dog (160)
• mashed cauliflower (~200?)
• bran bread with butter (~200)
• pot brownie (~120)
• mini kitkats (385)
total: 1065
okay, i am simply not logging my weight anywhere, because it went up again (???), and if i don’t log it, it doesn’t exist.
i really fucking hope this isn’t going to be a trend. last month i hit my goal a few days before the end of the month, gained back up, maintained the following two weeks, then lost ~10 lbs in two weeks. i’ve currently hit my goal a few days before the end of the month and gained back up. so, uh, body? we’re not doing this shit. we’re not gonna do the ‘maintain for two weeks and then drop to the next goal in two weeks’. no.
fingers crossed it’ll be down again tomorrow. at least below 200 again.
calorie goal for today is under 500, but if i eat a bit higher, i’m not going to beat myself up about it. maybe it’ll help stop whatever bullshit fuckery my body is trying to pull. i don’t know. i’ll update later.
#314
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Posted 28 February 2022 - 01:57 PM
okay, i had a veggie dog for ‘breakfast’ (no breakfast foods sounded good). lunch/dinner was mashed cauliflower (it had some other stuff in it so i’m guesstimating around 200), some bran bread with butter (a small piece, probably around 200), and a really small pot brownie (guessing around 120). so my total for today is around 680. not great, but definitely not bad. now if i can just stave off the munchies when i get home, everything will be fine.
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Posted 28 February 2022 - 03:25 PM
update: i did, in fact, get the munchies. i had a few minute kit kats (185 for ~5 pieces) but i managed to fight off the urge to binge (with some encouragement from Thunder and Frost— thank you, friend) and i’m ending the day at 865. not a binge. higher than i would’ve liked, but not a binge.
second update: 1065.
second update: 1065.
#316
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Posted 28 February 2022 - 04:59 PM
okay, so today was… not great. i shouldn’t have eaten the brownie. i need to stay away from edibles. i can smoke and be fine, but edibles always give me the munchies.
anyway. tomorrow is a new month. new month, new moon, new beginnings. i still did okay this month (stats recap tomorrow), and i can do better tomorrow. that’s not an excuse to do poorly today, but i’m doing my best to afford myself some grace and not succumb completely to self hatred.
i like the boy. the one from december who hit me back up. we hung out last night. drove up on the mountain and parked at an overlook and talked for about an hour. and then we hooked up.
tmi / nsfw / 18+ warning
i’m trying not to get all weird and clingy towards him, but like, he’s lowkey perfect. [‘oh my god i think i like you’ from crazy ex girlfriend plays in the background]
i don’t know. i don’t really expect it to go anywhere. i just want to enjoy his company while he’s in my life. he’s sweet and like… quiet, but really passionate. he’s spiritual and intellectual, if a little tinfoil hat-y (we talked extensively about aliens and demons back in december). he’s understanding, if a bit distant. he said last night that part of him wants to try to open up to the possibility of a relationship, but he doesn’t want to hurt anyone or get hurt. which… same.
we’re supposed to hang out this weekend. i’m cautiously optimistic.
anyway. tomorrow is a new month. new month, new moon, new beginnings. i still did okay this month (stats recap tomorrow), and i can do better tomorrow. that’s not an excuse to do poorly today, but i’m doing my best to afford myself some grace and not succumb completely to self hatred.
i like the boy. the one from december who hit me back up. we hung out last night. drove up on the mountain and parked at an overlook and talked for about an hour. and then we hooked up.
tmi / nsfw / 18+ warning
Spoiler
the sex was really fucking good. apparently he has a daddy kink, which is like… meh. not ideal, but i’ll humor it for good dick. his dick is good. we didn’t actually fuck, because we were in his car. i can cross that off my bucket list. but it was still possibly the best sex i’ve ever had.
i’m trying not to get all weird and clingy towards him, but like, he’s lowkey perfect. [‘oh my god i think i like you’ from crazy ex girlfriend plays in the background]
i don’t know. i don’t really expect it to go anywhere. i just want to enjoy his company while he’s in my life. he’s sweet and like… quiet, but really passionate. he’s spiritual and intellectual, if a little tinfoil hat-y (we talked extensively about aliens and demons back in december). he’s understanding, if a bit distant. he said last night that part of him wants to try to open up to the possibility of a relationship, but he doesn’t want to hurt anyone or get hurt. which… same.
we’re supposed to hang out this weekend. i’m cautiously optimistic.
#317
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Posted Yesterday, 03:39 AM
february recap
february 1: 212.6
february 28: 200.6
lost: 12 lbs
total lost since december 16 2022: 27.8
even with gaining a bit on the last day of the month (this had seriously better not be a trend), i still managed to lose 12 lbs, and basically all of that was in the last two weeks of the month.
my goal for march is to hit 190 (or lower), and to stay at a 1200 calorie deficit so i can hit my healthy ugw (110) by november.
february 1: 212.6
february 28: 200.6
lost: 12 lbs
total lost since december 16 2022: 27.8
even with gaining a bit on the last day of the month (this had seriously better not be a trend), i still managed to lose 12 lbs, and basically all of that was in the last two weeks of the month.
my goal for march is to hit 190 (or lower), and to stay at a 1200 calorie deficit so i can hit my healthy ugw (110) by november.
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#318
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Posted Yesterday, 06:08 AM
03/01/2022
morning weigh in: 201.4
intake:
• brussels sprouts (60)
• veggie sub (240)
• funfetti ice cream cup (90)
• dumplings (145)
exercise:
• stationary bike, 10 minutes, 16mph (-80)
total: 535 (455 net)
rabbit rabbit.
so, i gained again, but i’m not surprised, considering how much i ate yesterday. still, i didn’t binge, and the gain could’ve been considerably worse. i’m hoping to be back until 200 by the end of the week at the very latest.
my intake for today is planned out. i already ate the brussels sprouts. i think i’m burned out on toast and egg whites, and they needed to be eaten anyway. my roommates picked up subway yesterday, so my second meal will probably be half of a veggie sub (240); i’ll save the other half for tomorrow. i thought about having it today; it would only put me at 630 for the day, which is still reasonable. but the idea of eating that much ‘willingly’ scares me. i don’t know. either way i’m still in enough of a deficit, but 390 feels safer.
i don’t want to do anything today. the water meter outside is messed up, which means we have no water, so i can’t do dishes like i’d planned to. so now i just don’t want to do anything.
morning weigh in: 201.4
intake:
• brussels sprouts (60)
• veggie sub (240)
• funfetti ice cream cup (90)
• dumplings (145)
exercise:
• stationary bike, 10 minutes, 16mph (-80)
total: 535 (455 net)
rabbit rabbit.
so, i gained again, but i’m not surprised, considering how much i ate yesterday. still, i didn’t binge, and the gain could’ve been considerably worse. i’m hoping to be back until 200 by the end of the week at the very latest.
my intake for today is planned out. i already ate the brussels sprouts. i think i’m burned out on toast and egg whites, and they needed to be eaten anyway. my roommates picked up subway yesterday, so my second meal will probably be half of a veggie sub (240); i’ll save the other half for tomorrow. i thought about having it today; it would only put me at 630 for the day, which is still reasonable. but the idea of eating that much ‘willingly’ scares me. i don’t know. either way i’m still in enough of a deficit, but 390 feels safer.
i don’t want to do anything today. the water meter outside is messed up, which means we have no water, so i can’t do dishes like i’d planned to. so now i just don’t want to do anything.
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#319
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Posted Yesterday, 08:30 AM
i managed ten minutes on the stationary bike and burned around 80 calories.
i’ve been up for five hours already and i’m so hungry. the brussels sprouts weren’t that filling for long; i just want to eat my veggie sub. but i already posted my food log for the day on ig, specifically to hold myself to my planned intake. so i can’t, and i won’t.
i’ll probably try and eat around 11 or noon, so less than three hours to go, at least. then i’ll have my ice cream cup and call it a day.
i’m also starting back up with 18:6 intermittent fasting. i stopped for a few days, because of the unpredictability of going places, but i’m starting again today. i’ll probably start my fast by 1pm and end it around 10 tomorrow, so it’ll be 21 hours, but my actual window going forward will be 10am-4pm.
i’ve been up for five hours already and i’m so hungry. the brussels sprouts weren’t that filling for long; i just want to eat my veggie sub. but i already posted my food log for the day on ig, specifically to hold myself to my planned intake. so i can’t, and i won’t.
i’ll probably try and eat around 11 or noon, so less than three hours to go, at least. then i’ll have my ice cream cup and call it a day.
i’m also starting back up with 18:6 intermittent fasting. i stopped for a few days, because of the unpredictability of going places, but i’m starting again today. i’ll probably start my fast by 1pm and end it around 10 tomorrow, so it’ll be 21 hours, but my actual window going forward will be 10am-4pm.
#320
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Posted Yesterday, 04:07 PM
okay, so i took a nap and then ate my ice cream., so my fast did start around 4. i’ll have breakfast around 10 tomorrow.
i’m so fucking hungry, though. i need to up my intake and maybe avoid the scale for a week until my weight evens out again, because there’s no logical reason for me to actually be gaining on even 1100 a day.
i’m already planning to have around 480 calories tomorrow, because i really want a grilled cheese sandwich. i think i’m going to aim to eat closer to around 600 for a few days. i just want to be able to restrict higher without feeling awful.[/s]
i just ate, so my full fast is not happening today. i’m going to try and get back into it, but today, i wasn’t able to. and that’s okay, because it has to be.
i had a thc gummy (which helpfully listed the calories, though i’m not going to count them because they’re basically they’re less than 15 so i’m not super concerned about it) and got really hungry, so i had some dumplings. there were only 4 in the package, so it came out to ~145 calories. that puts my total for the day at 535, 455 net. and honestly, i’m not too upset. i’m a little bit disappointed, but i’m not going to beat myself up over it.
i’m so fucking hungry, though. i need to up my intake and maybe avoid the scale for a week until my weight evens out again, because there’s no logical reason for me to actually be gaining on even 1100 a day.
i’m already planning to have around 480 calories tomorrow, because i really want a grilled cheese sandwich. i think i’m going to aim to eat closer to around 600 for a few days. i just want to be able to restrict higher without feeling awful.[/s]
i just ate, so my full fast is not happening today. i’m going to try and get back into it, but today, i wasn’t able to. and that’s okay, because it has to be.
i had a thc gummy (which helpfully listed the calories, though i’m not going to count them because they’re basically they’re less than 15 so i’m not super concerned about it) and got really hungry, so i had some dumplings. there were only 4 in the package, so it came out to ~145 calories. that puts my total for the day at 535, 455 net. and honestly, i’m not too upset. i’m a little bit disappointed, but i’m not going to beat myself up over it.
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