Half recovered, half dying inside ☠ 5'10"½
#1 
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Posted 14 January 2019 - 11:52 AM
I'm back on this website.
Here is my journal entry from today. It gives a good idea of where I'm at.
1/14/19
I'm so scared of what I've become. I'm still 133.8, same as discharge [note: I got out of hospital inpatient a month ago]. I'm getting stoned every night and facing vicious binge urges. I'm not restricting, although I feel like I am and keep hoping the scale will show it. It never does. What I'm doing is not enough. The most frightening thing is the apathetic acceptance I have of my current weight. I know it's my healthy weight. But I am not thin, and it bothers me. Just not enough to take action. I am so scared to b/p, I'm scared of losing D [my partner], but I'm scared of losing myself in my effort to hold on to him. Because a large part of me just wants that b/p lifestyle. I want to be 115. I want to manage it. Yet I'm a chaotic, undisciplined person and I don't think I'll ever be able to just methodically go about becoming and remaining thin. B/p or no.
Here is a selfie from my birthday two days ago (I just turned 29), and one from yesterday showing how large I've become.
This accountability will probably be pretty pic-heavy, no pun intended.
Here are some LW pics from 112-115 lbs (BMI 15.9-16). This is a bit smaller than I'm trying to get back to, and I was VERY unhealthy and troubled when these were taken. That is not my goal. But I want to be closer to this size again.
Yes, I will admit, these pics are also a bit "look at me, I used to be thin, give me credit". Yes, I think I was thin in these photos even though I don't look like I'm on death's door. That isn't my goal.
So .. what is this accountability? It's going to be a place where I track how I feel about my recovery/non-recovery and remain accountable to myself and my goals and values. It's important to me to stay on top of my weight. It's important to me to stay on top of my eating. I don't want to eat too little. I don't want to b/p. But I need to lose 20 lbs. Ever since getting out of the hospital, it has been my goal to approach this in the safest, most moderate possible way. I've been failing. I'm not surprised. But I'm going to keep trying, and I think having somewhere to be accountable will help me.
This accountability is technically pro-recovery, but obviously may be triggering.
D.
#2
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Posted 14 January 2019 - 12:08 PM
Hon you still look super skinny to me! I don't think you're fat or you've gained weight in a bad way at all!!! So while i personally don't think you need to lose any weight, i know that ur brain is telling you something else.
so i wish you luck as you go through this and pls try to lose weight the healthiest way possible! make sure to ask for help from loved ones if you need it!
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Posted 18 January 2019 - 08:16 AM
Haven't really weighed because I'm getting my period and fuck that.
I've been having a b/p daily for about a week now ... i.e. treatment didn't work. I'm ... relieved. 
I still need my ED. I still need to be skinny and lose this weight. I will get there.
Um .. I kind of want short-ish bangs now. Like this:
Thoughts? Based on the selfies I've posted ... I know I'd pull it off if I was thin and that's always the issue. I have so much hair, I keep it behind my ears anyway and I feel like this would make sense.
Ok, honestly, I had a dream about this hair and have only been obsessing over it for a couple hours since I woke up.
I feel ok today but life has been stressful. My relationship with my mom is strained. She's kind of old and I feel guilty. I also need to move soon and I hate where I'm currently living. Lots of changes in store. Hopefully weight loss (soon) being one of them.
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Posted 18 January 2019 - 08:45 AM
I think you would look cute with short bangs as long as you keep your hair long (I would recommend you keep it past shoulder length, preferably as long as it is now). You have the facial structure for it, although you need long hair to frame your face.
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Posted 18 January 2019 - 09:24 AM
So I super crudely (i.e. do not judge mah skillz) Photoshopped the look onto myself.
I would also do the septum piercing with it .. what is going on, why am I changing myself? I'm old. I don't do this anymore. It's fun though.
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#8
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Posted 18 January 2019 - 09:29 AM
This look is such a juxtaposition.
The bangs (and hair length) gives you a youthful, almost childish (but in a good way) sort of aesthetic. "Kawaii" if you want to be cringey about it. It's the face that will go well with pastel colored outfits and cute and dainty accessories. It gives your face an air of innocence that is quite captivating.
The septum piercing adds a layer of sexiness (I'm not a creep, promise) to your look and it's actually quite appealing.
I would say, go for it! You have the face, you have the body (if you were fat it wouldn't work at all but since you're thin it comes across as sexy and cute rather than desperate and fat, ya feel?)
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Posted 18 January 2019 - 09:40 AM
Cassiel_5738, on 18 Jan 2019 - 09:29 AM, said:
This look is such a juxtaposition.
The bangs (and hair length) gives you a youthful, almost childish (but in a good way) sort of aesthetic. "Kawaii" if you want to be cringey about it. It's the face that will go well with pastel colored outfits and cute and dainty accessories. It gives your face an air of innocence that is quite captivating.
The septum piercing adds a layer of sexiness (I'm not a creep, promise) to your look and it's actually quite appealing.
I would say, go for it! You have the face, you have the body (if you were fat it wouldn't work at all but since you're thin it comes across as sexy and cute rather than desperate and fat, ya feel?)
Eee thanks! I don't think I'll be wearing pastels anytime soon but I think it works with my clothing style too. It's pretty much happening at this point. I Photoshopped. It's pretty much official haha. Thanks for the encouragement!
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#10
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Posted 18 January 2019 - 11:28 AM
I um .. I did it. Myself.
PRETTY STOKED TBH
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#11
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Posted 18 January 2019 - 01:24 PM
OKAY QUEEN WE SEE YOU
Lol fr you actually did a really good job. It doesn't look like you did it yourself; I would say that it looks like the picture you were emulating.
10 out of 10 would hire you as my barber if I was white
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Posted 19 January 2019 - 11:14 AM
I gained weight.
134.8.
So here's the problem .. I live with my partner. We smoke weed every night. We got into this habit over the holidays and have kept it up. Therefore, the UNCONTROLLABLE BINGE SHE-LIZARD visits me every night. My partner thinks I'm recovered, or successfully navigating the recovery path.
(Please take a moment of silence to acknowledge the devastating guilt that I experience at the very thought of this.)
No. I'm not recovered. My ED is an iceberg and the hospital program tossed a badly damaged stick at it. Perhaps a scratch was made but that's about it.
So I'm hiding the fact that I'm bingeing (choosing foods he thinks I keep down), and hiding the fact that I'm purging .. by purging right before bed ... instead of making a deliberate, well-timed trip to the bathroom like I used to. Result = weight gain ..
So yeah fuck. I'm going to have to confront him. Tell him I'm purging .. in order to be able to purge more openly .. 
The obvious alternative is to try to control the bingeing. Either not smoke weed ( ) or somehow not give in to the munchies ( 
). Fuccckkk I don't even know what to do.
Will update. Something needs to change today.
#13
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Posted 19 January 2019 - 11:29 AM
I would try to target avoiding bingeing because there seems to be more benefits to that option (don't have to worry about purging and the resulting disappointment from your boyfriend). Kill two birds with one stone.
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Posted 20 January 2019 - 11:39 PM
I feel so fundamentally defeated.
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Posted 23 January 2019 - 02:38 PM
Danicx, on 19 Jan 2019 - 11:14 AM, said:
I gained weight.
The obvious alternative is to try to control the bingeing. Either not smoke weed (
Will update. Something needs to change today.
From one stoner to another... smoking does not have to equal binges! You have options <3 Keep a bowl of grapes around to munch on (or whatever low-cal safe food you have), or smoke so much you can’t move are two good ones.
Unrelated but... are you still studying the cello?
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Posted 25 January 2019 - 10:59 AM
Today's journal entry:
1/25/19
I'm recommitting. This isn't working for me. Not in any way, but, crucially, it is not allowing me to lose weight. I'm going to try returning to approximately my week 1 meal plan, and cutting out alcohol. I will continue to smoke weed for now, as I feel like it's currently indispensable as a coping mechanism. However, it also makes it extremely hard not to binge. So my strategy is going to be sacred time, as in water only, as well as getting D on board. I will need his support. Bitching about my pain is actually a really effective tool for me.
I'm also going to start my bullet journal today.
So yeah. I've been b/p'ing every day and eating food on top of that and my weight will not budge. I'm at a relatively high weight (for me) right now, so it's pretty astounding that my body isn't dropping pounds. I could get upset about it and go hardcore with my ED behaviours. It's been a temptation to do so for a while now. Instead, though, I'm going to follow my meal plan from the first week I was in hospital. It was beautiful. It was high restriction at its purest. I lost a bit of weight that week; naturally, they increased my meal plan after that. But I felt like I discovered the holy grail of sustainable weight loss. I had never eaten so much, and so healthy, and lost weight.
This plan is effective immediately; here is today's breakfast:
1× grain (whole wheat toast)
1× fat (butter)
1× protein (boiled egg)
1× fruit/veg (apple)
1× dairy (milk)
I don't by any means think this is like the perfect, healthiest thing I could eat, but it's what they fucking told me to eat at the hospital so whatever. I'm not trying to be perfect.
So I'll be getting stoned later and I'll have to tell D that I'll need support. It's going to be a water-only experience from now on. Water and bitching about my binge cravings. And retraining my brain to treat stoned time as sacred time.
Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate you guys reading and giving input <3
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#19
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Posted 25 January 2019 - 11:19 AM
Cassiel_5738, on 25 Jan 2019 - 11:01 AM, said:
Whoa whoa whoa fam.
Queen.
Bae.
Boo.
Hold up and give us the rest of the plan! The full plan. The entirety of the diet plan.
We need to know!
Haha ok ok. Here it is, this is exactly what I followed:
Breakfast (8:15 AM)
1 × fruit/veg
1 × entree (*30g protein)
1 × grain
1 × milk
0-1 × fat
Snack (10:00 AM): 1 item
Lunch (12:00 PM)
1-2 × fruit/veg
1 × entree (*60g protein)
2 × grain/potato
1 × milk
1 × fat
Snack (3:00 PM): 1 item
Dinner (5:00 PM)
1-2 × fruit/veg
1 × entree (*90g protein)
2 × grain/potato
1 × milk
1 × fat
Snack (9:00 PM): 1 item (non fruit/veg)
The times of day just give an idea of how far apart the meals and snacks should be spaced. This meal plan was created by a dietitian (who would fucking kill me right now) and I lost weight on it. I was hungry sometimes. But generally satisfied.
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