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Posted Today, 10:26 PM
3/1/22
I didn't track my calories. I ate a lot today and I'm just trying not to think about it, but to be fair it was a special occasion...but before I talk about that, I'll tell y'all a little about my day.
I took my mom for lunch at a local restaurant and we spent most of the day just chatting. It's her birthday after all, so I wanted to make it a memorable one. After a bit she decided to take a nap, so I took the opportunity to go for a walk. The sun was out and it was warm enough for me to go out without a jacket...for the first half I felt entirely at peace, the sunlight absorbing into my skin. For a moment I felt true happiness. It was fleeting, however...I started thinking about B and got angry. Very angry. I remember before I went to the hospital he practically begged for my mom's number to be able to check in with me from time to time, and I reluctantly gave it to him. But has he contacted her? No sir. I contacted his mom about 3 weeks ago to see how he was doing, and she said he seemed just fine. To be clear, I know perfectly well that he masks and is almost certainly not doing fine, but...well, for fuck's sake, I landed into the hospital and have been fighting every day until my brain's bleeding to keep control. To suffer the mental anguish, to battle the maladaptive behaviors, to drown out my intrusive thoughts with music blaring into my ears. The sleepless nights and hours spent curled up on the floor weeping into the wood slats. Unbearable pain.
And he's fine? He doesn't know if I'm dead or alive. I can't stand it.
I scurried home, unsure if I'd be able to make it without having a nervous breakdown in the middle of the park, but I made it just in time. I re-focused all my energy into doing dishes and then baking the cake for my mom's birthday. The evening started to improve after that...I enjoyed the challenge of making a diabetic-friendly cake, and it turned out far better than I anticipated. It was moist, fluffy, and didn't taste of alternative sweetener whatsoever. A success! My brother and his wife came over and we all had a lovely time drinking wine and talking, eating delicious food and cake. As I'm winding down the thoughts are coming back full force, but it's late enough that I'm hopeful that I'll be able to sleep soon.
Oh...and I might be meeting another new friend tomorrow! She said she'd love to bring some nightgowns to crawl in the mud with me sometime, so I have a good feeling we're going to get along famously. She's been a little flirty, though, and I'm not entirely sure how to take it...she's very pretty and I'm quite flattered, but I know I'm not mentally ready for that sort of thing yet and I don't want to lead her on. But who knows, she'll likely be turned off once she sees me in person anyway.
Anyhow, here are some pictures from this evening's festivities:
Okay...so it isn't the prettiest cake in the world. But it was scrumptious!
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#390 
- Accountability access
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Sage
- Locationhell
Posted Today, 11:12 PM
So. I fucked up. I texted B tonight. He hasn't responded. I don't know what will trigger me more...if he does or if he doesn't.
It's no coincidence that tomorrow would have marked a month. Classic BPD self sabotage.
Trying not to self harm. I tried every DBT skill I could tolerate in the moment.
I am horrified. I am triggered. I am in deep distress.
And I just have to push forward. I don't know how to come back from this bad of a fuckup, but I am trying as hard as I can to give myself grace. I am severely mentally ill. I almost made it a month when I used to not be able to make it two days. I'm trying so hard not to tear myself apart for this.
I have set myself up for so much heartbreak no matter what he does or doesn't do. I can't believe I've done this to myself.
All I said was "I just want you to know that you aren't blocked."
But it isn't innocuous. I'm testing him to see what he'll do, and I hate that.
Fuck this disorder.
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