val's myriad of issues
#2 
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Posted Yesterday, 02:54 PM
first rant of the day - i'm pretty tired of my special interests becoming my identity and letting my ED warp it into some sort of sick challenge.
vampires are cool, i shouldn't have to try and starve myself to get the tired, pale look. i also don't like how most vampire-esque attire is waistcoats and tight things you need to button up, urging me to lose weight. alas, i'm going to do it anyway because there's still some sort of power to it.
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#3
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Posted Yesterday, 06:00 PM
i hate how easy overeating is. nobody in this household understands the concept of just cooking a fixed portion of food. there's always leftovers, always some sort of dessert, always something.
i've also noticed that breakfast makes me feel more and more guilty everyday. the feeling of an empty stomach is great until it actually starts to hurt, then i go and ruin it for myself.
at this point, i'm just going to try eating three slices of bread a day and ice water. there's enough shit in bread to keep my brain satisfied, and it hurts my stomach anyway (in the 'i'm probably intolerant to gluten' sense, and not the 'this is barely food please nourish me' sense) so i won't be compelled to binge on it.
outside of food issues, i suck at dealing with change. i met someone new today, and my brain immediately saw them as a threat. i hate having to spend hours trying to decipher why i think the way i do. not only is it depressing to realise that all my behaviour is purely based on my need for constant admiration and a fear of losing control of other people, it's also hard to talk about it to people i know without sounding abusive.
i don't want new people in my circle. i'm angry because i'm scared, and i'm scared because i'm worried i won't be the centre of attention.
#4
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Posted Today, 11:32 AM
bread is actually super filling. normal, 50/50 bread. i had two slices and an ice water, felt full. would've been under 300 calories for the first time in years if my mum hadn't bought takeaway. i'm not even disappointed, it shows i have the potential but my family are holding me back.
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