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Advanced Warrior
Posted 20 September 2021 - 07:56 PM
｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡
Yes I am linking the most popular PTV song it's a classic and it calms me down Idc
o
9/20/21 ~ monday
★ no weigh in!
"Taco" salad ~ 180 calories
Coffee ~ 70 calories
Mini bagel ~ 190 calories
Vitamins ~ 10 calories
Gum ~ 10 calories
Veggie sticks ~ 65 calories
Coffee ~ 70 calories
Coffee ~ 70 calories
★ total ~ 665 calories
u
No exercise
u
Goals for the day:
Take a shower (depression -__-) ~ ★!
Get a new book ~ ★!
Read for 30 minutes ~ insomnia brain....couldn't focus
Ramblings:
Spoiler
I don’t even know where to begin with this. I originally had a whole thing written out about my day, it was a pretty average post-insomnia all-nighter day at school. I was fatigued like Hell but it was normal. But literally as I was writing this format since I wanted to finish 9/20 before the date changed, my mom had an asthma attack. She is severely obese and because of that plus her breathing problems, her asthma attacks are pretty bad. Without fail, every winter we have to call the ambulance at least once because the cold weather makes it worse. So I’m pretty used to them I guess, the first one she had with me was when I was 3, I still have vivid memories of it. But this time it was different. Typically, they come in and it takes 3-5 minutes to get her out of the house. It took them 12 fucking minutes today. They were all acting like...different. If you’ve been visited by the ambulance, they’re usually only there to get the sick person to the hospital, right? THIS GUY FUCKING STAYED WITH ME, A WHOLE 15 YEAR OLD WITH A JOB, TO MAKE SURE I HAD SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME WHILE MY MOM WAS IN THE HOSPITAL???? I tried to tell him that, no, I don’t need that because I’m 15, I’ve been left alone since I was 7, and all he said in response was “your mom is very sick right now, you need someone to be here with you”. Atp I started freaking tf out and it led to me having a borderline meltdown (was able to calm down by venting on here).
To me in my head, with my experiences with firefighters and ambulance dudes, they say that shit to 6 year olds. Why would you say that to a 15 year old???? When I heard that, all the alarm bells started ringing in my head like….she’s going to die. This is going to be it. She’s always had rough health and she even told me she doubted she’d make it until she was 50 (she’s 42), so immediately I’m just like THIS IS IT. THIS IS FUCKING IT.
My dad died and I only have my mom left, I don’t have any friends IRL or relatives that I know well. I’ve calmed down now enough to write this coherently but internally, even if I’m not still crying and hyperventilating, I’m losing my fucking mind. My anxiety is through the roof, my brain is only functioning because I had 2 extra cups of coffee so I could think properly. I’m so scared. I’m so sick of this too. All of the bad news that has been coming to me lately. I’m just…..tired. I don’t want anyone to die anymore. I want to be okay.
While I was having my mini panic attack, I kept sucking in (would that be the right term?) my collarbones and tracing my fingers over that little pool that’s made between the two bones. I do that a lot as an anxiety tic these days.
About my actual day though (I feel so weird writing about it after I just dumped all of that into my first fucking post on this accountability thread). I was fatigued. I had stayed up the entire night before due to insomnia and I only had half a mini bagel in the morning. I usually have a big breakfast unlike some people here because I don’t eat at school at all, and I need the energy to actually get through my day. Honestly 1 whole mini bagel would've been great, but I wasn’t really hungry so I just did the half AND MY GOD. I COULD BARELY THINK. I heavily dissociated during the entire thing, barely remember anything, though I did take a lot of body checks there...for some reason.
I spent the entire school day tired, daydreaming about when I can go home and eat the other half of the mini bagel.
BTW, looking over my intake I realized how weird some of it looks. I had the “taco” salad around 2-3 am, I had the coffee at about 5 am, and the first half of the mini bagel right before I left for school, approximately 8 am. On my intake, I just put one whole mini bagel but I ate the other half in the afternoon. I had some veggie sticks too with my afternoon bagel because I didn’t feel like I was eating enough (I’m aware how dumb this sounds in the context of where this is being posted). I have this really bad anxiety that if I don’t eat at least medium restriction, even though I’m comfortable at a pretty low intake, I will eventually end up binging. It’s like a genuine worry I have. These days I’ve kinda lost my appetite, I’m not sure if it’s restriction related or because I’m taking Wellbutrin, or maybe both, but it’s weird. For most people on this app this sounds probably like a dream come true, but I’m so scared of binging atp… Even though logically, based on the fact I’ve restricted between 1200-1500 before and still ended up binging, I know low restriction probably won’t cause me to binge but… ED brain is not rational okay.
Lmao Idk why I wrote all this rip
I guess that’s it. Also if you’ve read this entire thing (wow why did you do that I’m shocked), I promise my thoughts won’t usually be like this. I’m still really distressed over what’s going on with my mom and I’m trying to distract myself by writing an unnecessary amount.
Also I'm so unsure about how this layout will look
I guess we'll see... (edit: I like it! I still wish there were more color options grr but whatever. But omg it's so ugly on mobile LMAO I had to change the hearts just in case anyone on mobile was looking at this but I'm so sorry about the fonts..I'm too attached to change them by why is comic sans so fancy on mobile wtf??).
I wasn't planning on making it this extra but I really needed a distraction from the mess that is my life.
OMG WHY IS THIS SPOILER BEING SO FUCKING DIFFICULT edit: haha got it to work I'm a genius
To me in my head, with my experiences with firefighters and ambulance dudes, they say that shit to 6 year olds. Why would you say that to a 15 year old???? When I heard that, all the alarm bells started ringing in my head like….she’s going to die. This is going to be it. She’s always had rough health and she even told me she doubted she’d make it until she was 50 (she’s 42), so immediately I’m just like THIS IS IT. THIS IS FUCKING IT.
My dad died and I only have my mom left, I don’t have any friends IRL or relatives that I know well. I’ve calmed down now enough to write this coherently but internally, even if I’m not still crying and hyperventilating, I’m losing my fucking mind. My anxiety is through the roof, my brain is only functioning because I had 2 extra cups of coffee so I could think properly. I’m so scared. I’m so sick of this too. All of the bad news that has been coming to me lately. I’m just…..tired. I don’t want anyone to die anymore. I want to be okay.
While I was having my mini panic attack, I kept sucking in (would that be the right term?) my collarbones and tracing my fingers over that little pool that’s made between the two bones. I do that a lot as an anxiety tic these days.
About my actual day though (I feel so weird writing about it after I just dumped all of that into my first fucking post on this accountability thread). I was fatigued. I had stayed up the entire night before due to insomnia and I only had half a mini bagel in the morning. I usually have a big breakfast unlike some people here because I don’t eat at school at all, and I need the energy to actually get through my day. Honestly 1 whole mini bagel would've been great, but I wasn’t really hungry so I just did the half AND MY GOD. I COULD BARELY THINK. I heavily dissociated during the entire thing, barely remember anything, though I did take a lot of body checks there...for some reason.
I spent the entire school day tired, daydreaming about when I can go home and eat the other half of the mini bagel.
BTW, looking over my intake I realized how weird some of it looks. I had the “taco” salad around 2-3 am, I had the coffee at about 5 am, and the first half of the mini bagel right before I left for school, approximately 8 am. On my intake, I just put one whole mini bagel but I ate the other half in the afternoon. I had some veggie sticks too with my afternoon bagel because I didn’t feel like I was eating enough (I’m aware how dumb this sounds in the context of where this is being posted). I have this really bad anxiety that if I don’t eat at least medium restriction, even though I’m comfortable at a pretty low intake, I will eventually end up binging. It’s like a genuine worry I have. These days I’ve kinda lost my appetite, I’m not sure if it’s restriction related or because I’m taking Wellbutrin, or maybe both, but it’s weird. For most people on this app this sounds probably like a dream come true, but I’m so scared of binging atp… Even though logically, based on the fact I’ve restricted between 1200-1500 before and still ended up binging, I know low restriction probably won’t cause me to binge but… ED brain is not rational okay.
Lmao Idk why I wrote all this rip
I guess that’s it. Also if you’ve read this entire thing (wow why did you do that I’m shocked), I promise my thoughts won’t usually be like this. I’m still really distressed over what’s going on with my mom and I’m trying to distract myself by writing an unnecessary amount.
Also I'm so unsure about how this layout will look
I guess we'll see... (edit: I like it! I still wish there were more color options grr but whatever. But omg it's so ugly on mobile LMAO I had to change the hearts just in case anyone on mobile was looking at this but I'm so sorry about the fonts..I'm too attached to change them by why is comic sans so fancy on mobile wtf??).I wasn't planning on making it this extra but I really needed a distraction from the mess that is my life.
OMG WHY IS THIS SPOILER BEING SO FUCKING DIFFICULT edit: haha got it to work I'm a genius
｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆｡
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