I´m sub and can´t say no
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Posted 23 April 2019 - 08:22 AM
EDIT July 7th 2020:
Since the subject turned around massively the title doesn´t match conent of this thread anymore: Few weeks after this initial post this person raped me, stalked me all summer long, manipulated me back into our relationship and put me in the worst and darkest places (mentally). It took me another year to see this vicious cycle and to accept, that this is not love, but emotional dependency and I need to get this person out of my life. How everything started to become dangerous and what happened after the rape can be read on the following pages. Currently I´m doing ok-ish and want to re-start therapy soon.
_________________
Hi all,
I´m in a new relationshsip with the best man ever. He´s amazing, I really like him (dating for 10 weeks now) and he´s the most funny, genuine and caring person I could imagine.
I´m the submissive type of person when it comes to sex. He knows that and we got to explore that side a lot during the past few weeks. Of course he would try to stretch and bend my borders (which are not really there anyway) and I would do anything to satisfy him in bed (the rest of our relationship is very balanced, he respects me and takes me serious) and I can never say no. The rare few times I tried, he frankly ignored it anyway, probably bc he thought it´s part of the game.
Well, now I come to a point, where he does thing, which are actually quite hurtful. I do deepthroat a lot, which honestly is kinda exhausting, because I cant breathe and almost faint from missing oxygen. Also his dick is really massive so when he pushes inside (not really gentle) he bangs my throat in a very hurtful way. I sometimes try to escape, but he would hold me tighter (he is bigger and stronger than me).
Same story with anal. I do enjoy it, but I need some prep and especially lube (!!!) and when he´s doing his things, he sometimes would - without warning - just smack his dick into my a**. I already cried from that insane pain and he covers my mouth with his hand.
And now comes the tricky part. He would never do that (I assume), if he would know how bad it is for me. He always asks me if I´m alright. He is really caring. He can´t differentiate between the role play and reality. And during sex or shortly after my submissive brain would never let me tell him, that I feel bad so I´m always like "sure.". It´s stuck in my head. I just can´t, I don´t know what keeps me from saying "Don´t do this and that, it´s hurtful and I don´t enjoy it" especially since I know how important I am to him and that he would def stop that behaviour if he would know I suffer from it. But as soon as the game starts it´l like a switch in my head got pushed and I´m a sub zombie.
I wanna try to tell him in a non-sexual conversation what this does to me and how my crazy brain works, but not sure how to address it without being weird?
And advice?
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Posted 23 April 2019 - 08:29 AM
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Posted 23 April 2019 - 08:34 AM
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Posted 23 April 2019 - 08:36 AM
Juuzou, on 23 Apr 2019 - 08:34 AM, said:
Just sit him down outside of a sexual setting. Tell him that you really don't like it and that you want him to stop.
Thanks, that´s what I want to try. But how? It´s not that I do not enjoy our sex. Sometimes he takes it too far and I´m worried, if I share my side of things he will be all freaked out and panicking and not do AYNTHING at all anymore because he doesn´t want to hurt me.
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Posted 23 April 2019 - 08:50 AM
RatherDeadThanFat, on 23 Apr 2019 - 08:36 AM, said:
Thanks, that´s what I want to try. But how? It´s not that I do not enjoy our sex. Sometimes he takes it too far and I´m worried, if I share my side of things he will be all freaked out and panicking and not do AYNTHING at all anymore because he doesn´t want to hurt me.
I has that with my husband. I told him and he got gentle.
Then I kept denying him sex until he would take it. He got the hang of it pretty quick.
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Posted 23 April 2019 - 09:47 AM
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Posted 23 April 2019 - 10:59 AM
I'm really into being a submissive but this isn't good 
I agree, talk to him outside of the scene and just explain that it's more pain than you can handle. He should be able to accept this and go easier on you
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Posted 23 April 2019 - 11:25 AM
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Posted 23 April 2019 - 01:13 PM
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Posted 23 April 2019 - 02:25 PM
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Posted 24 April 2019 - 12:36 AM
Hey all,
Thanks for all the replies! We had a really good and open conversation yesterday and he noticed that I was not doing well at all the night before. I understand he´s testing the boundaries and we will do regular check ins in between more often and I need to learn to say no. A safe word is good, we have one, but this doesn´t work in all situation bc sometimes he covers my mouth with his hands when it´s going to be rough or I have his penis deep in my throat. We´ll establish hand signals for that. I made him understand that the physical pain is sometimes too much to handle for me and that it also affects my psych. He was really sorry to put me into this position and we discussed general "no no´s" and how I can make myself "speak up" (this is especially really hard for me, but I know it´s my duty if I feel uncomfy). He said I need to accept that he will always try, but I can always check out.
It semi worked yesterday when he started on something which was declared as a no before and I was so devastated about him being so ignorant that I didn´t do anything just laid there paralyzed. He asked if everything is alright and I said (as usual) "sure." "Really?" "Yeah" "Shall I continue?" and then I was so mad at him, because it was something we discussed literally 30 minutes ago and I was like "U know what. I got used to you doing whatever you want anyway" He instantly moved away from me in shock and was completely devastated. I saw the pain in his eyes and he was so sorry but also mad at me, because I (honestly speaking) was also not holding on to my promise of speaking up. We had another 30 minutes discussion but I think we are good now.
Let´s see what today brings, I think we still need to get to know each other in that sense and learn. I have a really distinct will to please, I know I need to work on that, because - and I really believe him - if it makes me unhappy, he won´t be enjoying it either.
So thanks again for all the nice and helpful tips!
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Posted 24 April 2019 - 02:59 AM
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Posted 24 April 2019 - 07:26 AM
Glad to hear you guys are on the right track now.. Always better to talk about it and make clear boundaries!
Also, get yourself a safe word!! Im the same as you, "no" is not a word I can use during sex which can make it tricky.. But if you have a totally crazy safe-word like "avocado" then you dont have to say 'no' or 'stop' etc and he knows its not part of a game too.
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Posted 24 April 2019 - 08:42 AM
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Posted 25 April 2019 - 12:58 PM
- "... I can never say no. The rare few times I tried, he frankly ignored it anyway."
So, you have said no before, albeit not every time. Whenever you HAVE been outspoken enough to say no, you admit he ignored your "no" and carried on because he was prioritising his sexual pleasure over your well-being. Do not make an excuse for him - you communicated, he decided to ignore you and your lack of consent.
- "I sometimes try to escape, but he would hold me tighter (he is bigger and stronger than me)."
Even without an explicit "no", he is well-aware that you do not want him to do these things to you. You physically tried to escape, in your own words, and he held you down so you couldn't put an end to the act. I think it's common knowledge that consent does not just look like an explicit "yes/no." Signals, body language, there are plenty other ways of saying no. You tried to end the sex act by physically making him stop, and he overpowered you and continued. He does not respect your boundaries.
- "... he sometimes would - without warning - just smack his dick into my a**. I already cried from that insane pain and he covers my mouth with his hand."
??? First, he does not even bother to ask if you're okay with him anally penetrated you, and when you are sobbing in pain, he just muffles it and continues. You shouldn't even need to say "no" in that situation as it is very obvious that you were in agony and never agreed to him anally penetrating you in the first place. This is 100% not okay.
- "He would never do that (I assume), if he would know how bad it is for me."
He does know it's bad for you, he knows you aren't okay with it, and he does it anyway. Because he thinks his orgasm is more important than your consent and your comfort. Please, stop blaming yourself for this and putting it down to you not being vocal enough. Whenever you've tried to explicitly tell him "no", he hears you and does not listen.
- "... We discussed general "no no´s" ... He said I need to accept that he will always try, but I can always check out."
Unless I'm reading this wrong, you established your "No" list, and his answer is that he will still try those things anyway, but it's up to you to make him stop if you don't want it...? By putting it on the list, you've already made it abundantly clear you DON'T CONSENT TO IT. You absolutely do not "have to accept" that he will keep trying to force those acts on you. The onus is NOT on you to shut him down every time (when clearly he doesn't listen anyway) - the onus is on him to RESPECT YOUR DAMN NO LIST.
- Immediately after you have this discussion with him and tell him your no list, "he started on something which was declared as a no before and I was so devastated about him being so ignorant that I didn´t do anything just laid there paralyzed ... I saw the pain in his eyes and he was so sorry but also mad at me."
Jesus fucking CHRIST. I highly doubt there was any "pain" in his eyes - he was sad for his dick. You sat down to have a specific discussion about the sex acts you do not want to have. It took him a few hours to completely ignore that discussion and try to force sex act XYZ on you anyway. The fact he had the audacity to be annoyed at your after this has floored me. I'm honestly shocked that other people on this thread haven't said anything about this, or are somehow telling YOU to fix this issue. This man does not respect you or your boundaries, OP. You have communicated, and he doesn't give a shit. You are not the problem here - he is. Fuck this dude.
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Posted 25 April 2019 - 07:15 PM
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Posted 25 April 2019 - 09:04 PM
I'm sorry, but this is not a healthy dynamic. In a dom/sub dynamic, consent, trust, and conversation are really, really important. You being able to say no is really, really important. There seems to be none of that whatsoever. Your partner is raising some huge red flags with me. He should be able to tell when he is hurting you, and that should be a sign to stop, not silence you and keep going. He should remember your limits and hard limits, and he's blatantly ignoring them. He is a shitty dom, and partner in general for that. I get as a sub you want to make your dom happy, but you are putting yourself in situations that are harming you mentally and physically, and you don't need that, hun. If this relationship is something you want to continue (I personally don't think you should, but you do you), I think you should write your limits out, write your safe word and hand signals so he knows when to stop, so he actually sees them. Have him sign it like he would a contract, and hold him to it. If he still doesn't listen, you need to walk. A true dom knows their subs limits, and respects and honors them. You should settle for no less, because you deserve no less.
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Posted 24 June 2019 - 01:20 AM
Hey there,
it´s been a while and I really thought after that incident things improved. We had our stop signal and he kept on checking in during sex time by time asking if I´m alright and if it´s still what I want. I learned to say no and our sex life is amazing.
Then like 3 or 4 weeks ago we had friends over, we drank a lot and when e went to bed it got very rough. It was borderline too rough and I talked to him the next day, that it wasn´t a nice experience for me and that I don´t want it that way esp. when we are drunk.
On Friday I gave a dinner party. He got completely wasted. We talked about some things prior that week like, what I like about being choked, how I feel when he is doing it, why I don´t like to be slapped in the face, and that he is a bit worried what all of this might do to me (physically and mentally). That night we started to have sex (with consent), but it got way too rough and - yes I know what I am saying and I can´t think about anything else right now - he raped me. He would choke me that hard, that I couldn´t breathe for minutes and by far not say any word. I don´t know yet if any brain damage happened from the missing oxygen. I slept all weekend. I can´t swallow or talk without incredible pain in my throat. I have bruises. He bended my legs that far, that it hurt. I wasn´t wet at all and have wounds down there. When I tried to use my non-verbal Stop Signal (since I couldn´t talk), he prevented it by forcing my arm down, saying "Don´t even try". H slapped me in the face (absolute no no) several times. I was panicking. I really thought I´m gonna die that night. I have visible markings on my throat, laceration on my vagina and bruises. And that´s just the physical part. Once I managed to break free I started crying so bad. He was completely confused asking what happened? I got up, as I was, ran out of the bedroom and la down on the sofa. He followed me and asked why I don´t want to sleep in the bed. It was so absurd. I screamed at him to leave me alone. He left and came back 1 Minute later giving me a pillow and my blanket.
The next morning I woke up and threw him out of my flat. The weekend was horrible and I don´t find any words to say. I think it took him a while to understand what happened and that it was without my consent. I don´t want to protect him, but I know he is suffering from it. Not as much as I do though. He came by my place yesterday to bring my stuff and hand back my keys. I can´t be near him right now. He cried a lot and is shocked by what he did. He is searching for a therapist now, who can help him. I lined out every single abusive behaviour of the past 5 months, being alcohol involved or not. I don´t know if I can ever again be with him. I´m happy he will get help now.
But I am broken. And I still don´t know how to handle that. I have been in dangerous situations before, because I´m a whore and have been sleeping around with a lot of dubious people before. But this is my boyfriend. The man who is supposed to protect me from that shit. The one who should be there for me now trying to recover. He broke my trust, he broke my heart, he broke me.
And I literally have no idea how to survive this. I have massive anxiety attacks, I feel numb, I feel sad, I feel mad, I feel used. I´m seeing my therapist on Thursday and try to keep things going until then. I don´t feel pity for him. I love him, because this doesn´t end at this point, but I hate what he did to me and though he needs to sort that out, it´s not about him right now. I don´t know if I can (or want to) ever be with him again. I don´t know if I could ever build trust again towards this person. I don´t see us anymore. I can´t imagine to ever have unbiased sex with him again. Or have him touch me, be near me, holding me.
I´m devastated. And the worst thing is, that´s what I´ve always been dreading and why I something was afraid of him. I didn´t go to the doctor or the police. I dont want to report him.
How can I ever get over this? How shall I cope?
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Posted 24 June 2019 - 05:42 AM
RatherDeadThanFat, on 24 Jun 2019 - 01:20 AM, said:
Hey there,
it´s been a while and I really thought after that incident things improved. We had our stop signal and he kept on checking in during sex time by time asking if I´m alright and if it´s still what I want. I learned to say no and our sex life is amazing.
Then like 3 or 4 weeks ago we had friends over, we drank a lot and when e went to bed it got very rough. It was borderline too rough and I talked to him the next day, that it wasn´t a nice experience for me and that I don´t want it that way esp. when we are drunk.
On Friday I gave a dinner party. He got completely wasted. We talked about some things prior that week like, what I like about being choked, how I feel when he is doing it, why I don´t like to be slapped in the face, and that he is a bit worried what all of this might do to me (physically and mentally). That night we started to have sex (with consent), but it got way too rough and - yes I know what I am saying and I can´t think about anything else right now - he raped me. He would choke me that hard, that I couldn´t breathe for minutes and by far not say any word. I don´t know yet if any brain damage happened from the missing oxygen. I slept all weekend. I can´t swallow or talk without incredible pain in my throat. I have bruises. He bended my legs that far, that it hurt. I wasn´t wet at all and have wounds down there. When I tried to use my non-verbal Stop Signal (since I couldn´t talk), he prevented it by forcing my arm down, saying "Don´t even try". H slapped me in the face (absolute no no) several times. I was panicking. I really thought I´m gonna die that night. I have visible markings on my throat, laceration on my vagina and bruises. And that´s just the physical part. Once I managed to break free I started crying so bad. He was completely confused asking what happened? I got up, as I was, ran out of the bedroom and la down on the sofa. He followed me and asked why I don´t want to sleep in the bed. It was so absurd. I screamed at him to leave me alone. He left and came back 1 Minute later giving me a pillow and my blanket.
The next morning I woke up and threw him out of my flat. The weekend was horrible and I don´t find any words to say. I think it took him a while to understand what happened and that it was without my consent. I don´t want to protect him, but I know he is suffering from it. Not as much as I do though. He came by my place yesterday to bring my stuff and hand back my keys. I can´t be near him right now. He cried a lot and is shocked by what he did. He is searching for a therapist now, who can help him. I lined out every single abusive behaviour of the past 5 months, being alcohol involved or not. I don´t know if I can ever again be with him. I´m happy he will get help now.
But I am broken. And I still don´t know how to handle that. I have been in dangerous situations before, because I´m a whore and have been sleeping around with a lot of dubious people before. But this is my boyfriend. The man who is supposed to protect me from that shit. The one who should be there for me now trying to recover. He broke my trust, he broke my heart, he broke me.
And I literally have no idea how to survive this. I have massive anxiety attacks, I feel numb, I feel sad, I feel mad, I feel used. I´m seeing my therapist on Thursday and try to keep things going until then. I don´t feel pity for him. I love him, because this doesn´t end at this point, but I hate what he did to me and though he needs to sort that out, it´s not about him right now. I don´t know if I can (or want to) ever be with him again. I don´t know if I could ever build trust again towards this person. I don´t see us anymore. I can´t imagine to ever have unbiased sex with him again. Or have him touch me, be near me, holding me.
I´m devastated. And the worst thing is, that´s what I´ve always been dreading and why I something was afraid of him. I didn´t go to the doctor or the police. I dont want to report him.
How can I ever get over this? How shall I cope?
Some people will say “sorry” and how they’ll “never do it again” without meaning it. They’ll say it for their partners sake and not know what they’re saying or promising.
So far the guy has not changed in spite of your attempts to make him realize what he’s doing. Give it up. For your sake. For your health.
It’s like going up to a dog and expecting it to suddenly turn into a cat. It won’t happen.
You have to be there for you. Especially when he wasn’t.
It will take time but it will get better and suddenly I’m sure you will see him more as an abuser than someone you can be with. We tend to change how things are to be able to go through them.
“We accept the love we think we deserve”
Don’t settle. You deserve better and it made me cry reading this. My friend went through shit like this and idk it’s so hard to see those you love go through shit and you can’t make them realize it’s shit. They convince themselves it’s fine even though it’s not.
I’m sorry idk what to say. I just wanted to say something.
Please please stay safe xxx
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Posted 24 June 2019 - 08:14 AM
RatherDeadThanFat, on 24 Jun 2019 - 01:20 AM, said:
Hey there,
it´s been a while and I really thought after that incident things improved. We had our stop signal and he kept on checking in during sex time by time asking if I´m alright and if it´s still what I want. I learned to say no and our sex life is amazing.
Then like 3 or 4 weeks ago we had friends over, we drank a lot and when e went to bed it got very rough. It was borderline too rough and I talked to him the next day, that it wasn´t a nice experience for me and that I don´t want it that way esp. when we are drunk.
On Friday I gave a dinner party. He got completely wasted. We talked about some things prior that week like, what I like about being choked, how I feel when he is doing it, why I don´t like to be slapped in the face, and that he is a bit worried what all of this might do to me (physically and mentally). That night we started to have sex (with consent), but it got way too rough and - yes I know what I am saying and I can´t think about anything else right now - he raped me. He would choke me that hard, that I couldn´t breathe for minutes and by far not say any word. I don´t know yet if any brain damage happened from the missing oxygen. I slept all weekend. I can´t swallow or talk without incredible pain in my throat. I have bruises. He bended my legs that far, that it hurt. I wasn´t wet at all and have wounds down there. When I tried to use my non-verbal Stop Signal (since I couldn´t talk), he prevented it by forcing my arm down, saying "Don´t even try". H slapped me in the face (absolute no no) several times. I was panicking. I really thought I´m gonna die that night. I have visible markings on my throat, laceration on my vagina and bruises. And that´s just the physical part. Once I managed to break free I started crying so bad. He was completely confused asking what happened? I got up, as I was, ran out of the bedroom and la down on the sofa. He followed me and asked why I don´t want to sleep in the bed. It was so absurd. I screamed at him to leave me alone. He left and came back 1 Minute later giving me a pillow and my blanket.
The next morning I woke up and threw him out of my flat. The weekend was horrible and I don´t find any words to say. I think it took him a while to understand what happened and that it was without my consent. I don´t want to protect him, but I know he is suffering from it. Not as much as I do though. He came by my place yesterday to bring my stuff and hand back my keys. I can´t be near him right now. He cried a lot and is shocked by what he did. He is searching for a therapist now, who can help him. I lined out every single abusive behaviour of the past 5 months, being alcohol involved or not. I don´t know if I can ever again be with him. I´m happy he will get help now.
But I am broken. And I still don´t know how to handle that. I have been in dangerous situations before, because I´m a whore and have been sleeping around with a lot of dubious people before. But this is my boyfriend. The man who is supposed to protect me from that shit. The one who should be there for me now trying to recover. He broke my trust, he broke my heart, he broke me.
And I literally have no idea how to survive this. I have massive anxiety attacks, I feel numb, I feel sad, I feel mad, I feel used. I´m seeing my therapist on Thursday and try to keep things going until then. I don´t feel pity for him. I love him, because this doesn´t end at this point, but I hate what he did to me and though he needs to sort that out, it´s not about him right now. I don´t know if I can (or want to) ever be with him again. I don´t know if I could ever build trust again towards this person. I don´t see us anymore. I can´t imagine to ever have unbiased sex with him again. Or have him touch me, be near me, holding me.
I´m devastated. And the worst thing is, that´s what I´ve always been dreading and why I something was afraid of him. I didn´t go to the doctor or the police. I dont want to report him.
How can I ever get over this? How shall I cope?
I haven't been in a situation like this before, but I can't stop thinking about your post and just want to tell you that I am so, so sorry. Truly, you seem like such a sweet person and you don't deserve any of the things he's done to you and his abuse. As you've said, you don't see you and him together anymore, and that's for the best. It is NEVER okay to go against what someone wants and has told you they want, especially in such a sensitive situation. Even if he does care for you a little, it's not nearly as much as he cares for himself, and that's an immediate red flag. You are a far, far better person and you deserve so much more. Things will definitely be rough, but you will get through this.
I can't give you much advice other than to remember that you don't deserve this and to hold yourself above him, but I want to let you know that I'm thinking about you and that if you ever need someone just to listen, I'm here.
I truly wish the best for you.
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Posted 24 June 2019 - 08:17 AM
broken_butterfly_xx, on 24 Jun 2019 - 05:42 AM, said:
Some people will say “sorry” and how they’ll “never do it again” without meaning it. They’ll say it for their partners sake and not know what they’re saying or promising.
So far the guy has not changed in spite of your attempts to make him realize what he’s doing. Give it up. For your sake. For your health.
It’s like going up to a dog and expecting it to suddenly turn into a cat. It won’t happen.
You have to be there for you. Especially when he wasn’t.
It will take time but it will get better and suddenly I’m sure you will see him more as an abuser than someone you can be with. We tend to change how things are to be able to go through them.
“We accept the love we think we deserve”
Don’t settle. You deserve better and it made me cry reading this. My friend went through shit like this and idk it’s so hard to see those you love go through shit and you can’t make them realize it’s shit. They convince themselves it’s fine even though it’s not.
I’m sorry idk what to say. I just wanted to say something.
Please please stay safe xxx
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Thank you so much for your genuine and kind words. This was really helpful.
Bless you.
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Posted 24 June 2019 - 08:22 AM
Daelynn for the Win, on 24 Jun 2019 - 08:14 AM, said:
I haven't been in a situation like this before, but I can't stop thinking about your post and just want to tell you that I am so, so sorry. Truly, you seem like such a sweet person and you don't deserve any of the things he's done to you and his abuse. As you've said, you don't see you and him together anymore, and that's for the best. It is NEVER okay to go against what someone wants and has told you they want, especially in such a sensitive situation. Even if he does care for you a little, it's not nearly as much as he cares for himself, and that's an immediate red flag. You are a far, far better person and you deserve so much more. Things will definitely be rough, but you will get through this.
I can't give you much advice other than to remember that you don't deserve this and to hold yourself above him, but I want to let you know that I'm thinking about you and that if you ever need someone just to listen, I'm here.
I truly wish the best for you.
Thanks so much for your support. I can´t describe how much that means to me. I´ve gone through a really rough time lately (got a surgery basically just few days before he got overbearing last time (the incident 3 or 4 weeks ago)), and I´m always positive on things. But I think this is breaking me and I don´t know how to survive.
Thanks so much for your kindness.
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Posted 24 June 2019 - 09:12 AM
Oh honey... I'm so sorry that this happened to you. This is truly horrible, to have your trust be violated this way. They way you describe the situation... I just can't even...
I could see your strength shining through the story. You threw that son of a bitch out of your apartment, you were honest and called what happened to you "rape". My sister was raped and has the hardest time calling it that... I read through your whole post. I'm not into BDSM or kinks (I'm really vanilla) but what I understand about BDSM is that submissive are actually the one's that hold all the power. They are the ones that allow things to happen or not happen. They set boundaries the Dom can't cross. It is an interesting way to explore power dynamics. And you have that power. At the beginning of this thread, you were struggling to say "no". You found your voice though. Then your SO rapes you - you don't submissively take it - you kick his ass out of your life. You are a sub, and subs are the powerful.
He violated you. He hurt you. I don't know what scars you will carry from this - but he didn't take your power - and he never could.
I'd give you a big hug if I was there - you are obviously so strong to make it this far - you hold on and let yourself heal.
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#25
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Posted 26 June 2019 - 09:37 AM
Adelreith, on 24 Jun 2019 - 09:12 AM, said:
Oh honey... I'm so sorry that this happened to you. This is truly horrible, to have your trust be violated this way. They way you describe the situation... I just can't even...
I could see your strength shining through the story. You threw that son of a bitch out of your apartment, you were honest and called what happened to you "rape". My sister was raped and has the hardest time calling it that... I read through your whole post. I'm not into BDSM or kinks (I'm really vanilla) but what I understand about BDSM is that submissive are actually the one's that hold all the power. They are the ones that allow things to happen or not happen. They set boundaries the Dom can't cross. It is an interesting way to explore power dynamics. And you have that power. At the beginning of this thread, you were struggling to say "no". You found your voice though. Then your SO rapes you - you don't submissively take it - you kick his ass out of your life. You are a sub, and subs are the powerful.
He violated you. He hurt you. I don't know what scars you will carry from this - but he didn't take your power - and he never could.
I'd give you a big hug if I was there - you are obviously so strong to make it this far - you hold on and let yourself heal.
Oh my good. This is so beautiful and it made me smile for the first time since this happened to me. Thanks so much for your words and providing me this perspective of seeing things. I never saw it that way. So wow. I can´t say thank you often enough!
Days are a rollercoaster now. Yesterday I felt slightly better and instantly felt really "caught"? like.. Was it really rape, if I already feel better? It keeps on running through my head like a movie with missing pieces, e.g. I didn´t remember how I was able to escape. Did I faint until he was done? Was I able to free my hands? Also the next morning was super blurry. So I asked him. And collecting all the bits and pieces I can only stress once more. It was not consent. I tried to fight, but he has the stronger physics. I tried to scream but he choked me too hard. I tried everything to make him stop, because it was not consent. I don´t exaggerate. I need to keep on reminding myself.
Don´t get me wrong, I will never be with him again, but he´s my love. I thought I found my SO. We had so many plans. Of course I still love him. I don´t hate him. I hate what he did to me. It took a lot of effort to tell him I won´t, can´t and don´t want to continue the relationship. I miss him so bad. But same time only the thought of being touched by him makes me anxious. I grieve the future we might have had more than what we are losing now.
He will search for a therapist. That´s good for him, I wish him all the best. I know he can make it, but still then I don´t want to be with him anymore. I don´t want him in my near ever again. I will never forgive him, I will never forget.
I was due to sit his boy (14), I promised that already weeks ago and i didn´t want the boy to suffer, since his mom is on holidays and his dad on a business trip noone could have taken care. So I sticked to my promise, because the boy didn´t do anything wrong. So I told my ex bf I don´t want to be with him anymore but we had to keep contact for logistics and stuff and also since I had some questions remaining from that night. And it escalated quite quickly. I think it´s even harder for him that I don´t hate him, because he hates himself for this so much. He doesn´t understand why I´m still so nice and caring for his boy (and also him). I freaks him out. But I stayed strong. I sent him a solid goodbye messages. Not justifying, but explaining myself, wishing him all the best for this bumpy road, which is ahead of him and sending love. And then I blocked him on all channels.
He is bathing in self loath. Disappointed about himself, beaten by losing what he calls the "love of his life", going to behavioral therapy now, having to live with what he did to me. It disgusts me. He says the worst part is knowing that what he did to me might affect the rest of my life and he can´t ever be happy again if he doesn´t know I´m doing better. Well mate, then don´t make your own happiness dependent on another person, I´d say. He says he doesn´t know how to continue life without me. He can´t live without me. He will wait for me. All this shit. It pressures me. I´m a really empathic person. I even felt SORRY for him. How sick is that? I did this mistake in the past. I stayed with a emotional abusive person for his good and sanity and almost lost myself. I´ll never do that again.
I am the stronger person. I will be fine some day. Still having constant flashbacks, still can´t be touched by anyone. Can´t wait to see my therapist tomorrow.
Thanks again guys for all your love.
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Posted 29 June 2019 - 06:44 PM
RatherDeadThanFat, on 26 Jun 2019 - 09:37 AM, said:
Oh my good. This is so beautiful and it made me smile for the first time since this happened to me. Thanks so much for your words and providing me this perspective of seeing things. I never saw it that way. So wow. I can´t say thank you often enough!
Days are a rollercoaster now. Yesterday I felt slightly better and instantly felt really "caught"? like.. Was it really rape, if I already feel better? It keeps on running through my head like a movie with missing pieces, e.g. I didn´t remember how I was able to escape. Did I faint until he was done? Was I able to free my hands? Also the next morning was super blurry. So I asked him. And collecting all the bits and pieces I can only stress once more. It was not consent. I tried to fight, but he has the stronger physics. I tried to scream but he choked me too hard. I tried everything to make him stop, because it was not consent. I don´t exaggerate. I need to keep on reminding myself.
Don´t get me wrong, I will never be with him again, but he´s my love. I thought I found my SO. We had so many plans. Of course I still love him. I don´t hate him. I hate what he did to me. It took a lot of effort to tell him I won´t, can´t and don´t want to continue the relationship. I miss him so bad. But same time only the thought of being touched by him makes me anxious. I grieve the future we might have had more than what we are losing now.
He will search for a therapist. That´s good for him, I wish him all the best. I know he can make it, but still then I don´t want to be with him anymore. I don´t want him in my near ever again. I will never forgive him, I will never forget.
I was due to sit his boy (14), I promised that already weeks ago and i didn´t want the boy to suffer, since his mom is on holidays and his dad on a business trip noone could have taken care. So I sticked to my promise, because the boy didn´t do anything wrong. So I told my ex bf I don´t want to be with him anymore but we had to keep contact for logistics and stuff and also since I had some questions remaining from that night. And it escalated quite quickly. I think it´s even harder for him that I don´t hate him, because he hates himself for this so much. He doesn´t understand why I´m still so nice and caring for his boy (and also him). I freaks him out. But I stayed strong. I sent him a solid goodbye messages. Not justifying, but explaining myself, wishing him all the best for this bumpy road, which is ahead of him and sending love. And then I blocked him on all channels.
He is bathing in self loath. Disappointed about himself, beaten by losing what he calls the "love of his life", going to behavioral therapy now, having to live with what he did to me. It disgusts me. He says the worst part is knowing that what he did to me might affect the rest of my life and he can´t ever be happy again if he doesn´t know I´m doing better. Well mate, then don´t make your own happiness dependent on another person, I´d say. He says he doesn´t know how to continue life without me. He can´t live without me. He will wait for me. All this shit. It pressures me. I´m a really empathic person. I even felt SORRY for him. How sick is that? I did this mistake in the past. I stayed with a emotional abusive person for his good and sanity and almost lost myself. I´ll never do that again.
I am the stronger person. I will be fine some day. Still having constant flashbacks, still can´t be touched by anyone. Can´t wait to see my therapist tomorrow.
Thanks again guys for all your love.
This is super woman stuff right here. You have stayed so strong, put yourself above your boyfriend, and set boundaries. You blocked him! You let him feel guilty and didn't absorb it! Superwoman stuff, i'm telling ya!
#27
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Posted 30 June 2019 - 12:31 PM
Important!!!!
You did nothing wrong, nothing about this situation was your fault.
Things take time to heal. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. Having a licensed professional who can listen and help you will never be a bad thing.
You need to understand you are not responsible for his feelings about the situation, or his feelings about himself. That is all shit he needs to work out with his therapist.
And lastly look into a self defense course that specializes in rape trauma. They can help you with techniques that can give you strength and peace of mind that if you ever were to find yourself in another situation like this again you can kick that persons ass and get away safely early on.
I’m sorry that happened to you. He was wrong and from everything you stated in your posts, he knew what he was doing was wrong, and actually it was rapey, in several sexual encounters you had with him.
The thing is he knows every time he ignored your no, he was raping you. And frankly he knew it when he was sober. If he was drunk and hurt you, and you talked, she should not have gotten drunk again and tried to have sex. If anything he should have checked himself if he knew he has trouble controlling his impulses when drunk. He chose to drink, he chose to rape.
Millions of men get drunk and even beyond drunk on a daily basis and don’t rape. That’s because inside they know it’s wrong. Then there are men that do, and they still know it’s wrong, but do it anyways.
Protect yourself and report him. Do not go back to him.
Yes I feel for the boy, but if he raped you (and he has several times) , he will most likely rape someone else. As for his son, I am sure there is other family who will help him and take him. He deserves more than to learn about women from a man who believes it’s okay to ignore a woman who says no and who fights to get free.
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Posted 20 June 2020 - 01:05 PM
Hi there,
it´s been a year now since the rape. And I must say.. I did not only survive, but like.. I´m doing good I assume? I´m surprised by myself how I "recovered" from that this quick. Just the last days things came back into my head very strong. Other than that the memories faded over the months.
The summer which followed on this "experience" last year was crazy. I went from self isolation to party&drugs in no time and it kept on getting back and forth until september, I think. It was so hard to find a therapist. Like no one wanted to help me (felt like) and I´ve been in the darkest places mentally. I consumed a lot of ecstacy and cocaine to numb the pain. I smoked week like there´s no tomorrow and people started worrying. My dog puppy kept me functioning though. He´s been a tremendous help. And finally end of august I found a therapist.
In September I decided to move city. Back to my home town. Got a new job, got a new flat, a new life. Just one thing I wasn´t able to get rid off: This guy.
We kept seeing each other for months. These were great, he treated me like a princess and I was so so happy. We were healing, together. I thought.
Long story short: He´s a 42yo man, who has no control over his life. He drinks too much, he consumes too many drugs, he can´t control his temper and on the other side he is such a sensitive (easy to hurt) person, while being very unempathetic. He stopped seeing his therapist when Corona lockdown started here in Europe early March. And he doesn´t intend to go there again bc he thinks he is just fine.
After being really patient with me in terms of sex, putting himself back, he started to continuously asking for things I didn´t want to do. And he would get angry (not violent) because I would refuse. He gets so pathetic sometimes then...
And recently he happened to be in a bad place mentally. Many self-doubts esp. job-wise. He couldn´t sleep properly anymore, he missed important appointments, he wasn´t really reliable anymore.
One of those nights, when he couldn´t get to sleep, I woke up from him touching (petting) me, while masturbating. I was in shock and felt so ... used?
The other night he just penetrated me, when I was sleeping. Like.. He would have full blown sex with me. With me sleeping. Turning me around, moving my body the way he wants it. I was mortified. He wasn´t drunk that night. Next morning he was like "you allright"? But no, I wasn´t.
It took me a couple of days to realize that this man will never change. His interests will always be above my dignity, my health and me as a person.
I packed my stuff and left.
I know, I shouldn´t be asking here for support. because it´s something I should have known better in the first place. And it´s my fault. It´s just not easy, when you are emotionally involved and as easy to manipulate as I am, to let go.
But now... no, that´s enough. That´s more than enough. I am a human being, I am a valuable person. I´m not his sex toy on the one hand and I´m not his mom to make his life work on the other..
I´m disgusted and horrified by this person.
I feel so... numb. Heartbroken and sad.
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#29
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Posted 21 June 2020 - 02:57 PM
Do not leave this issue unsolved. Sit down with him and talk about it. You could even discuss a safe word for when it gets too rough for you and need to slow down. If you are reluctant to tell him, think about it this way; is it really fair to him that you are keeping this information from him? I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt you and I know it would make me feel like crap if I know I'd been hurting my partner for a while because he didn't say anything. Communication really is the key to having a healthy relationship in the bedroom.
#30
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Posted 22 June 2020 - 10:55 AM
PsyCaloria, on 21 Jun 2020 - 2:57 PM, said:
Do not leave this issue unsolved. Sit down with him and talk about it. You could even discuss a safe word for when it gets too rough for you and need to slow down. If you are reluctant to tell him, think about it this way; is it really fair to him that you are keeping this information from him? I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt you and I know it would make me feel like crap if I know I'd been hurting my partner for a while because he didn't say anything. Communication really is the key to having a healthy relationship in the bedroom.
i dont think you read the whole thread.. he raped her..
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#31
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Posted 22 June 2020 - 11:45 AM
RatherDeadThanFat, on 20 Jun 2020 - 1:05 PM, said:
Hi there,
it´s been a year now since the rape. And I must say.. I did not only survive, but like.. I´m doing good I assume? I´m surprised by myself how I "recovered" from that this quick. Just the last days things came back into my head very strong. Other than that the memories faded over the months.
The summer which followed on this "experience" last year was crazy. I went from self isolation to party&drugs in no time and it kept on getting back and forth until september, I think. It was so hard to find a therapist. Like no one wanted to help me (felt like) and I´ve been in the darkest places mentally. I consumed a lot of ecstacy and cocaine to numb the pain. I smoked week like there´s no tomorrow and people started worrying. My dog puppy kept me functioning though. He´s been a tremendous help. And finally end of august I found a therapist.
In September I decided to move city. Back to my home town. Got a new job, got a new flat, a new life. Just one thing I wasn´t able to get rid off: This guy.
We kept seeing each other for months. These were great, he treated me like a princess and I was so so happy. We were healing, together. I thought.
Long story short: He´s a 42yo man, who has no control over his life. He drinks too much, he consumes too many drugs, he can´t control his temper and on the other side he is such a sensitive (easy to hurt) person, while being very unempathetic. He stopped seeing his therapist when Corona lockdown started here in Europe early March. And he doesn´t intend to go there again bc he thinks he is just fine.
After being really patient with me in terms of sex, putting himself back, he started to continuously asking for things I didn´t want to do. And he would get angry (not violent) because I would refuse. He gets so pathetic sometimes then...
And recently he happened to be in a bad place mentally. Many self-doubts esp. job-wise. He couldn´t sleep properly anymore, he missed important appointments, he wasn´t really reliable anymore.
One of those nights, when he couldn´t get to sleep, I woke up from him touching (petting) me, while masturbating. I was in shock and felt so ... used?
The other night he just penetrated me, when I was sleeping. Like.. He would have full blown sex with me. With me sleeping. Turning me around, moving my body the way he wants it. I was mortified. He wasn´t drunk that night. Next morning he was like "you allright"? But no, I wasn´t.
It took me a couple of days to realize that this man will never change. His interests will always be above my dignity, my health and me as a person.
I packed my stuff and left.
I know, I shouldn´t be asking here for support. because it´s something I should have known better in the first place. And it´s my fault. It´s just not easy, when you are emotionally involved and as easy to manipulate as I am, to let go.
But now... no, that´s enough. That´s more than enough. I am a human being, I am a valuable person. I´m not his sex toy on the one hand and I´m not his mom to make his life work on the other..
I´m disgusted and horrified by this person.
I feel so... numb. Heartbroken and sad.
I'm so, so happy that you were able to leave him. You are a valuable, wonderful human being who deserves more than an abuser who, as you said, put his needs before you.
Damn right you're not his sex toy. Damn straight you're not his mom. You are a sweet, kind, empathetic, and powerful person who deserves much, much better. You have every right to walk away without looking back. He's an adult and you gave him chances he didn't deserve. For your own sake, put him out of your life. There's a special place in hell for people like him.
You went through a lot. I'm so, so sorry about that. As I was reading this thread, I wanted to give you a big fat hug.
I don't have much advice to give you. However, I just want to say that I'm so glad that you're doing better and that you should always feel free to reach out to people if you need to talk. There are therapy options out there during quarantine if you can't see a therapist in person.
You are an incredibly strong person for leaving and acknowledging that yeah, he's a total piece of crap. You deserve to feel better and recover from this trauma and it is completely understandable that you still feel sad about it.
If you ever need to talk or vent, feel free to reach out. As I said earlier, I don't have much advice, but I'm willing to lend a listening ear.
Sending hugs and love 
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#32
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Posted 22 June 2020 - 12:01 PM
RatherDeadThanFat, on 24 Jun 2019 - 01:20 AM, said:
Hey there,
it´s been a while and I really thought after that incident things improved. We had our stop signal and he kept on checking in during sex time by time asking if I´m alright and if it´s still what I want. I learned to say no and our sex life is amazing.
Then like 3 or 4 weeks ago we had friends over, we drank a lot and when e went to bed it got very rough. It was borderline too rough and I talked to him the next day, that it wasn´t a nice experience for me and that I don´t want it that way esp. when we are drunk.
On Friday I gave a dinner party. He got completely wasted. We talked about some things prior that week like, what I like about being choked, how I feel when he is doing it, why I don´t like to be slapped in the face, and that he is a bit worried what all of this might do to me (physically and mentally). That night we started to have sex (with consent), but it got way too rough and - yes I know what I am saying and I can´t think about anything else right now - he raped me. He would choke me that hard, that I couldn´t breathe for minutes and by far not say any word. I don´t know yet if any brain damage happened from the missing oxygen. I slept all weekend. I can´t swallow or talk without incredible pain in my throat. I have bruises. He bended my legs that far, that it hurt. I wasn´t wet at all and have wounds down there. When I tried to use my non-verbal Stop Signal (since I couldn´t talk), he prevented it by forcing my arm down, saying "Don´t even try". H slapped me in the face (absolute no no) several times. I was panicking. I really thought I´m gonna die that night. I have visible markings on my throat, laceration on my vagina and bruises. And that´s just the physical part. Once I managed to break free I started crying so bad. He was completely confused asking what happened? I got up, as I was, ran out of the bedroom and la down on the sofa. He followed me and asked why I don´t want to sleep in the bed. It was so absurd. I screamed at him to leave me alone. He left and came back 1 Minute later giving me a pillow and my blanket.
The next morning I woke up and threw him out of my flat. The weekend was horrible and I don´t find any words to say. I think it took him a while to understand what happened and that it was without my consent. I don´t want to protect him, but I know he is suffering from it. Not as much as I do though. He came by my place yesterday to bring my stuff and hand back my keys. I can´t be near him right now. He cried a lot and is shocked by what he did. He is searching for a therapist now, who can help him. I lined out every single abusive behaviour of the past 5 months, being alcohol involved or not. I don´t know if I can ever again be with him. I´m happy he will get help now.
But I am broken. And I still don´t know how to handle that. I have been in dangerous situations before, because I´m a whore and have been sleeping around with a lot of dubious people before. But this is my boyfriend. The man who is supposed to protect me from that shit. The one who should be there for me now trying to recover. He broke my trust, he broke my heart, he broke me.
And I literally have no idea how to survive this. I have massive anxiety attacks, I feel numb, I feel sad, I feel mad, I feel used. I´m seeing my therapist on Thursday and try to keep things going until then. I don´t feel pity for him. I love him, because this doesn´t end at this point, but I hate what he did to me and though he needs to sort that out, it´s not about him right now. I don´t know if I can (or want to) ever be with him again. I don´t know if I could ever build trust again towards this person. I don´t see us anymore. I can´t imagine to ever have unbiased sex with him again. Or have him touch me, be near me, holding me.
I´m devastated. And the worst thing is, that´s what I´ve always been dreading and why I something was afraid of him. I didn´t go to the doctor or the police. I dont want to report him.
How can I ever get over this? How shall I cope?
(Ignore my last message... I hadn't seen this second update of yours)
I honestly don't even have the words... my heart really breaks for you and anyone I've encountered who suffered like that, especially if it's someone who is suppose to protect you. From what I can read you're not just a very gentle person, but you are also a survivor. I hope you can find the strength to overcome whatever hardship you face now and during the rest of your life. Everything you're feeling now is justified and I hope you can focus on yourself, seek help and succeed in working through this so you may be able to be free of this terrible event. You deserve someone who can love you and take car of you in the ways you need, but most of all you deserve to feel safe.
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#34
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Posted 22 June 2020 - 12:43 PM
RatherDeadThanFat, on 24 Jun 2019 - 01:20 AM, said:
Hey there,
it´s been a while and I really thought after that incident things improved. We had our stop signal and he kept on checking in during sex time by time asking if I´m alright and if it´s still what I want. I learned to say no and our sex life is amazing.
Then like 3 or 4 weeks ago we had friends over, we drank a lot and when e went to bed it got very rough. It was borderline too rough and I talked to him the next day, that it wasn´t a nice experience for me and that I don´t want it that way esp. when we are drunk.
On Friday I gave a dinner party. He got completely wasted. We talked about some things prior that week like, what I like about being choked, how I feel when he is doing it, why I don´t like to be slapped in the face, and that he is a bit worried what all of this might do to me (physically and mentally). That night we started to have sex (with consent), but it got way too rough and - yes I know what I am saying and I can´t think about anything else right now - he raped me. He would choke me that hard, that I couldn´t breathe for minutes and by far not say any word. I don´t know yet if any brain damage happened from the missing oxygen. I slept all weekend. I can´t swallow or talk without incredible pain in my throat. I have bruises. He bended my legs that far, that it hurt. I wasn´t wet at all and have wounds down there. When I tried to use my non-verbal Stop Signal (since I couldn´t talk), he prevented it by forcing my arm down, saying "Don´t even try". H slapped me in the face (absolute no no) several times. I was panicking. I really thought I´m gonna die that night. I have visible markings on my throat, laceration on my vagina and bruises. And that´s just the physical part. Once I managed to break free I started crying so bad. He was completely confused asking what happened? I got up, as I was, ran out of the bedroom and la down on the sofa. He followed me and asked why I don´t want to sleep in the bed. It was so absurd. I screamed at him to leave me alone. He left and came back 1 Minute later giving me a pillow and my blanket.
The next morning I woke up and threw him out of my flat. The weekend was horrible and I don´t find any words to say. I think it took him a while to understand what happened and that it was without my consent. I don´t want to protect him, but I know he is suffering from it. Not as much as I do though. He came by my place yesterday to bring my stuff and hand back my keys. I can´t be near him right now. He cried a lot and is shocked by what he did. He is searching for a therapist now, who can help him. I lined out every single abusive behaviour of the past 5 months, being alcohol involved or not. I don´t know if I can ever again be with him. I´m happy he will get help now.
But I am broken. And I still don´t know how to handle that. I have been in dangerous situations before, because I´m a whore and have been sleeping around with a lot of dubious people before. But this is my boyfriend. The man who is supposed to protect me from that shit. The one who should be there for me now trying to recover. He broke my trust, he broke my heart, he broke me.
And I literally have no idea how to survive this. I have massive anxiety attacks, I feel numb, I feel sad, I feel mad, I feel used. I´m seeing my therapist on Thursday and try to keep things going until then. I don´t feel pity for him. I love him, because this doesn´t end at this point, but I hate what he did to me and though he needs to sort that out, it´s not about him right now. I don´t know if I can (or want to) ever be with him again. I don´t know if I could ever build trust again towards this person. I don´t see us anymore. I can´t imagine to ever have unbiased sex with him again. Or have him touch me, be near me, holding me.
I´m devastated. And the worst thing is, that´s what I´ve always been dreading and why I something was afraid of him. I didn´t go to the doctor or the police. I dont want to report him.
How can I ever get over this? How shall I cope?
Just seen this. Im so sorry..
I do commend you for doing the right thing and not feeling sorry for him or making up excuses. Continue to see your therapist. Look at self help groups, distract yourself with hobbies and socialisation.
You wont get over this I wont lie to you. It happened and that can never be erased. But time can definitely heal the raw side of things, you'll find a way to live with it (cope). And as long as that coping method is healthy, welcome it with open arms.
This is a common occurrence in bdsm unfortunately but it isnt talked about very much, and most subs do the opposite of you and keep forgiving and putting up with it. Then abuse starts to occur outside of sex too. Reading it I assumed he didnt realize as a possibility but right when you said he stopped you from signalling thats how you know. He was mentally there enough to know you were signalling and he was mentally there enough to stop you, so that is rape yes.
Please focus on support, healthy socialisation and distraction. You can DM me anytime or join my discord of 50+ members mostly from MPA if you think online socialisation will help at all: https://discord.gg/ySWdX8r
Please let self care be #1 to you right now <3
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#35
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Posted 22 June 2020 - 12:53 PM
RatherDeadThanFat, on 20 Jun 2020 - 1:05 PM, said:
Hi there,
it´s been a year now since the rape. And I must say.. I did not only survive, but like.. I´m doing good I assume? I´m surprised by myself how I "recovered" from that this quick. Just the last days things came back into my head very strong. Other than that the memories faded over the months.
The summer which followed on this "experience" last year was crazy. I went from self isolation to party&drugs in no time and it kept on getting back and forth until september, I think. It was so hard to find a therapist. Like no one wanted to help me (felt like) and I´ve been in the darkest places mentally. I consumed a lot of ecstacy and cocaine to numb the pain. I smoked week like there´s no tomorrow and people started worrying. My dog puppy kept me functioning though. He´s been a tremendous help. And finally end of august I found a therapist.
In September I decided to move city. Back to my home town. Got a new job, got a new flat, a new life. Just one thing I wasn´t able to get rid off: This guy.
We kept seeing each other for months. These were great, he treated me like a princess and I was so so happy. We were healing, together. I thought.
Long story short: He´s a 42yo man, who has no control over his life. He drinks too much, he consumes too many drugs, he can´t control his temper and on the other side he is such a sensitive (easy to hurt) person, while being very unempathetic. He stopped seeing his therapist when Corona lockdown started here in Europe early March. And he doesn´t intend to go there again bc he thinks he is just fine.
After being really patient with me in terms of sex, putting himself back, he started to continuously asking for things I didn´t want to do. And he would get angry (not violent) because I would refuse. He gets so pathetic sometimes then...
And recently he happened to be in a bad place mentally. Many self-doubts esp. job-wise. He couldn´t sleep properly anymore, he missed important appointments, he wasn´t really reliable anymore.
One of those nights, when he couldn´t get to sleep, I woke up from him touching (petting) me, while masturbating. I was in shock and felt so ... used?
The other night he just penetrated me, when I was sleeping. Like.. He would have full blown sex with me. With me sleeping. Turning me around, moving my body the way he wants it. I was mortified. He wasn´t drunk that night. Next morning he was like "you allright"? But no, I wasn´t.
It took me a couple of days to realize that this man will never change. His interests will always be above my dignity, my health and me as a person.
I packed my stuff and left.
I know, I shouldn´t be asking here for support. because it´s something I should have known better in the first place. And it´s my fault. It´s just not easy, when you are emotionally involved and as easy to manipulate as I am, to let go.
But now... no, that´s enough. That´s more than enough. I am a human being, I am a valuable person. I´m not his sex toy on the one hand and I´m not his mom to make his life work on the other..
I´m disgusted and horrified by this person.
I feel so... numb. Heartbroken and sad.
Is he the same guy from the original post? Im so sorry this happened to you again! I stand by everything I wrote in my prior reply <3 and that discord link never runs out so its there if you want it xxx I do admire your strength reading through this though and Im probably younger than you and have related type of trauma myself, so it was bitter sweet to read and see you make such strong decisions and retain respect for yourself
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Posted 22 June 2020 - 08:26 PM
wow.... i just read this. im sure one day i will be long gone from mpa but im never gonna forget you and your story.... you're so inspiring, i pray you never go back to him. youll find a genuinely good partner who truly wants whats best for you. i did. they really do exist when youre strong willed enough to move forward and find him/her
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Posted 06 July 2020 - 01:41 AM
Hi all,
First of all - thank you so so so much. You brought me to tears with your posts and support. I don´t lie - the last weeks have been tough and a rollercoaster and there have been days and nights crying and wanting to contact him.
Last week (one week after I left him) we wanted to have a final clarifying talk. I need to give a bit of a back story here.
Last year I started to have bad joint pain in my hands and feet. Since Rheuma is a thing in my family I was utterly scared and started to see several doctors throughout the last months, go X Rays, MRI, full bloodwork done and always the threat to have rheuma just at 30 yo.
Well on Monday I went to see my doctor to discuss all the results from the various examinations. He told me obviously there is some infection in my joints, you can see on MRI, but my rheuma markers aren´t high enough to cause that. But he found something else...
I have antibodies for chlamydia (which can cause joint pain). I was devastated. And furious. I got an IUD for birth control last year May and had to go under full STI exam beforehand. It was clean. I didn´t have had sex with another person than my ex during the last year. He infected me with a STD.
Since he was over that night for the "final talk" I confronted him. After hours of crying and shouting, he admitted, that he not only had unsafe sex with his slut ex after he raped me last year, but the had an affair over a couple of weeks, even when we started to see each other and having sex again.
I was furious. I went to my gyn next day to get a full screening, also HIV, hepatits, etc. and still waiting for the results. Also a few other very personal things came up, I don´t want to place here. It was horrible. He was risking my life just for sex. And when he realized, he might infected both of us with a deadly disease - he broke. He really crashed and had something between an anxiety attack and a mental breakdown. I never heard a person screaming like that before. He cried and screamed, hit his head and fists against the walls. I locked myself in my bedroom because I was really scared.
It only stopped when his ex gf called and told him she got a full screening couple of months ago and was negative besides the chlamydia. He started burning cigarettes on his arm "to never forget", it was awful. I asked him to immediately leave my house, otherwise I´d call the police. And he left. Next day he came back to pack his stuff, I wasn´t there. He is a psychopath and I don´t trust him, that he wouldn´t harm me again. I´m happy I moved to my hometown last year and there are 300km between us.
My life has been up and down since then. I lost 12lbs in just a week because I couldn´t eat a thing. I´m running on autopilot. I´m so hurt and so disappointed.
I really did love him and still do. I miss him every single fucking day. But I will never forget what he did to me. And never forgive. Time of forgiving is over.
It is devastating and I still can´t cope. But I know it will get better in future.
Thanks so much for all of your support. I don´t even find words for that...
I´d like to post regular updates here, if you don´t mind. Especially through times, where I can´t cope and want to go back to him, I need this thread to remind me not to.
I´m a survivor and I´m a warrior. I won´t let him bring me down again. But it will be hard on some days, that´s for sure.
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Posted 07 July 2020 - 02:00 AM
RatherDeadThanFat, on 06 Jul 2020 - 01:41 AM, said:
I´m a survivor and I´m a warrior. I won´t let him bring me down again.
this is true, you’re so much stronger than you know! you’ve got this! I’m just finding this thread now and I am so sorry this has all happened, I hope things start to get better for you and I’m glad you’ve gotten out of that situation. *hugs*
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i’m scared of ever being in a school shooting (tw?)
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Posted 21 May 2019 - 11:30 PM
a girl i graduated with in 2015 died in 2017 at her college. she had just finished an exam and witnesses say she was sitting down reading and he walked up to her and shot her and then shot himself.
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Posted 21 May 2019 - 11:41 PM
As someone whos been in a school shooting, I truly understand that fear more than anyone. But something that my therapist has to remind me and I try to remind myself is that: as much as it seems like every school is being shot up, its not really the case. Millions of people go to school everyday and are okay, statistically you'll be okay.
Also dw about the restroom thing, most shooters go to where there are crowds, restrooms are not one of those places.
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Posted 22 May 2019 - 06:37 PM
cutaloo, on 21 May 2019 - 11:41 PM, said:
As someone whos been in a school shooting, I truly understand that fear more than anyone. But something that my therapist has to remind me and I try to remind myself is that: as much as it seems like every school is being shot up, its not really the case. Millions of people go to school everyday and are okay, statistically you'll be okay.
Also dw about the restroom thing, most shooters go to where there are crowds, restrooms are not one of those places.
Shootings are terrible. I’m sorry that you had to go through it. I’m glad you’re here.
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Posted 22 May 2019 - 07:13 PM
lit, on 21 May 2019 - 11:30 PM, said:
when i sit in class, i think like what if one day we’re sitting in class and i hear gun shots down the hallway and thinking where i would hide in my class if that happened. what if i’m walking downstairs with my headphones in and i don’t see the shooter walking through the door in front of me. what if i’m walking inside through the front doors of the school thinking it’s going to be a normal day not knowing that the school shooter is walking behind me. what if i hear gun shots are going off when i’m in the restroom or seeing people i normally see being dead on the floor from a shooter. i think about this sometimes and it freaks me out i don’t ever want this to happen.
a girl i graduated with in 2015 died in 2017 at her college. she had just finished an exam and witnesses say she was sitting down reading and he walked up to her and shot her and then shot himself.
Please take some deep breaths. Yes shootings are terrible, and as Cutaloo stated millions of people go to school and statistically you’ll be okay.
If you cannot shake some of that fear I would like to give you some advice.
1) be proactive, no that doesn’t mean take the weight of the schools problems onto yourself. What it means is maybe take some classes. First aid, first response, self defense, and active shooter drills.
- I understand that can be a scary thought, but from experience, the more you practice and desensitize, the more you can keep your head around you when something happens. That doesn’t mean you will be fearless. But it does mean that you won’t feel as helpless.
2) talk to a counselor, if you can talk to someone in depth, you can learn how to verbalize deep rooted fears, and you can learn what scares you most about your fear. In an active shooter scenario, there is the fear of being helpless, the fear of being injured, the fear of death, and the fear of surviving when others might not. Working on these fear can help you just by talking about it, because there is something to your fear. Whether it’s actually a shooting, I can’t say, but somewhere you are feeling you are not safe in school.
3) if you are really scared it may be worth looking into start up projects on personal safety for shootings. For instance, there is a start up company who has come out with bullet proof hoodies. They are $450 a piece and they won’t last forever, but if it would give you some piece of mind I can give you the link, I know there are other companies looking in to it.
Statistically you will be fine, but in the event you are not there are some steps to follow:
A) know where your exits are
B )make escape your number 1 priority, if you cannot run, hide, if you cannot do that, then prepare to fight back
- if you cannot make it to an exit, then the ideal next step would be to hid in a room that can have a locked door. Turn off the light, and Barricade yourself in. Do not run to the opposite wall from the door as it is likely you will get hit, instead, go to a corner to the left or right of the door and hunker down with something you can use as a weapon if the barricade fails. The barricade won’t stop a bullet, but the shooter won’t be able to come into the classroom. There are also tools you can buy online to jam a door and stop it from being opened from the outside, using them on bathrooms is a good idea.
- if you cannot barricade the door, then hunker down and prepare to fight. You will have the element of surprise on your hand. This is where self defense comes into play. Use anything heavy you can wield as a weapon or anything that can disorient your attacker. Fire Extinguishers, chemicals, trophies, encyclopedias etc.... if you can use the element of surprise and disarm your assailant, you create an opportunity to run.
- if you are in a group of people hiding and need to attack, then attack all at once, again, only if you have no other choice.
C) make a plan to contact 9-11, there are many ways to do this:
-call 9-11 yourself
- if you have to be quiet in fear of being found out, text your parents, post on social media of an active shooter and give all the information you can, but stay silent, and don’t give away your position.
D) don’t be afraid to trust your gut. You have gut instincts for a reason
There are many organizations out there who are practicing active shooter drills, sometimes police departments, the department of homeland security and many more are holding these workshops.
if you choose to sign up for them the things you may be able to learn:
- how to identify the sound of gunshots vs cars backfiring, or weird sounds in a building.
- Where are the best places to hide in a building?
- you may be able to practice running/escaping and observing your surroundings.
- how to fight back if that is necessary
You will never be without fear when a situation occurs, but you may find comfort in not feeling 100% helpless or unprepared.
I’m sorry about your fear, and I know it’s not an easy thing to wrap your mind around. I hope this helps in any sort of way, but most importantly you are not alone In your feelings, it’s why communication is sooo important
.
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Posted 22 May 2019 - 08:39 PM
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Posted 22 May 2019 - 08:58 PM
mermaidie, on 22 May 2019 - 8:39 PM, said:
I remember reading once that students are starting to get symptoms of PTSD when it comes to school shootings. I was 8 or 9 when Columbine happened, in the 4th grade when i experienced my first school lockdown and knew lockdowns to be a fairly regular experience until i graduated highschool. It gave me immense anxiety and i often had nightmares about it. It's insane to me that here we are I'm pushing thirty and we still haven't fixed the problem and studies are coming out that this business is leaving kids traumatized. So, you're not alone. I'm sure more and more kids are struggling with this. I think talking with a counselor would be a great place to start if you think you need to but know this isn't a weird thing.Even as an adult i have to take an active shooting training every six months and i always mute it because that shit is too triggering.
The biggest issue in America is that we no longer care about mental health issues or safety standards. instead we want to jump on the guns bring the problem issue because the government has recognized it is a cheaper issue to deflect and put the focus and blame on the gun manufacturers.
how many shooters would and could be helped if mental help were available without criticism, or without being shamed for seeking help. Once upon a time there were school counselors, when kids had anger issues or problems or anxiety they had a safe space to go and talk things out with an adult who was there to listen to in school
and on safety, so many schools are designed for keeping kids inside and haven't actually updated any of their security to reflect the issues of the current times. But that's not 100% the schools fault. The blame fall back on Bushes policy of no child left behind that was started in 2001. basically it cuts massive amounts of fundings from school and crippled and kept them in financial ruin.
there is a school however who was able to do amazing upgrades that allow police to protect the school from inside the station until police can arrive on campus. the police can can control sirens, deploy tear gas, and track a shooter in real time to notify responding officers where the shooter is at any given time.
https://www.nbcnews....a-1166029891710
it truly is amazing
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Posted 22 May 2019 - 09:02 PM
miassa, on 22 May 2019 - 8:58 PM, said:
Linking shootings and mental health is an even bigger problem. But this thread is not about debating what causes shootings or how to stop them so I'm not going to debate that issue here.The biggest issue in America is that we no longer care about mental health issues or safety standards. instead we want to jump on the guns bring the problem issue because the government has recognized it is a cheaper issue to deflect and put the focus and blame on the gun manufacturers.
how many shooters would and could be helped if mental help were available without criticism, or without being shamed for seeking help. Once upon a time there were school counselors, when kids had anger issues or problems or anxiety they had a safe space to go and talk things out with an adult who was there to listen to in school
and on safety, so many schools are designed for keeping kids inside and haven't actually updated any of their security to reflect the issues of the current times. But that's not 100% the schools fault. The blame fall back on Bushes policy of no child left behind that was started in 2001. basically it cuts massive amounts of fundings from school and crippled and kept them in financial ruin.
there is a school however who was able to do amazing upgrades that allow police to protect the school from inside the station until police can arrive on campus. the police can can control sirens, deploy tear gas, and track a shooter in real time to notify responding officers where the shooter is at any given time.
https://www.nbcnews....a-1166029891710
it truly is amazing
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Posted 22 May 2019 - 09:09 PM
mermaidie, on 22 May 2019 - 9:02 PM, said:
Linking shootings and mental health is an even bigger problem. But this thread is not about debating what causes shootings or how to stop them so I'm not going to debate that issue here.
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Thats not really what i meant to say, i'm sorry if it came out that way.
what i meant to say was that if people were able to talk to counslers/trained professionals when that have extreme anger like what many of these shooter claim to have, then mabye there could have been an earlier intervention or a faster response to getting that person more help before they went off the deep end.
in todays society its hard for people to get help when they need it, once a person gets into the mentality that there is no better way to respond to their feelings than to lash out and hurt people, it is about mentality.
i just feel if we made seeking help not a shameful thing, or made it more/ readily available then a lot of this violence could be cut down.
im sorry if what i said came off wrong.it wasnt meant to come off as people with any mental issues can do it. thats not what i meant.
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Posted 22 May 2019 - 09:22 PM
miassa, on 22 May 2019 - 9:09 PM, said:
Thats not really what i meant to say, i'm sorry if it came out that way.
what i meant to say was that if people were able to talk to counslers/trained professionals when that have extreme anger like what many of these shooter claim to have, then mabye there could have been an earlier intervention or a faster response to getting that person more help before they went off the deep end.
in todays society its hard for people to get help when they need it, once a person gets into the mentality that there is no better way to respond to their feelings than to lash out and hurt people, it is about mentality.
i just feel if we made seeking help not a shameful thing, or made it more/ readily available then a lot of this violence could be cut down.
im sorry if what i said came off wrong.it wasnt meant to come off as people with any mental issues can do it. thats not what i meant.
I just don't agree with the mainstream excuses we're being fed that these shootings are caused by anger and mental health issues. I just don't buy it. That's what I'm saying. The shooters seem to much more frequently share race and gender demographics than mental health histories. The media and the government better come up with a better guise soon because the mental health spin isn't going to hold up much longer when you put photos of all the mass shooters together and they all look the same. Mental illnesses go across demographics. If it was mental illnesses people of all genders and colors would shoot up schools and churches. They don't. White men do. People are going to start thinking critically about it when their kids are dying this quick.
But that's just my two cents.
Sorry to derail your thread OP.
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Posted 22 May 2019 - 09:42 PM
mermaidie, on 22 May 2019 - 9:22 PM, said:
I just don't agree with the mainstream excuses we're being fed that these shootings are caused by anger and mental health issues. I just don't buy it. That's what I'm saying. The shooters seem to much more frequently share race and gender demographics than mental health histories. The media and the government better come up with a better guise soon because the mental health spin isn't going to hold up much longer when you put photos of all the mass shooters together and they all look the same. Mental illnesses go across demographics. If it was mental illnesses people of all genders and colors would shoot up schools and churches. They don't. White men do. People are going to start thinking critically about it when their kids are dying this quick.
But that's just my two cents.
Sorry to derail your thread OP.
You do make a valid point and I won’t argue with it. I have had the same thoughts about them all looking the same and the fact they are all white men.
It could be the fact that once upon a time (not too long ago) they were at the ultimate top, and now a days they are slowly losing their standings and cannot handle it.
I don’t know what would be the ultimate fix, but it needs to be looked into absolutely. 👍
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Posted 22 May 2019 - 09:46 PM
miassa, on 22 May 2019 - 9:42 PM, said:
You're on the right track in thinking about these things don't stop asking those questions and fight the patriarchy!You do make a valid point and I won’t argue with it. I have had the same thoughts about them all looking the same and the fact they are all white men.
It could be the fact that once upon a time (not too long ago) they were at the ultimate top, and now a days they are slowly losing their standings and cannot handle it.
I don’t know what would be the ultimate fix, but it needs to be looked into absolutely.
Also, i didn't know that thing about the school that can controlfrom inside that's an interesting take of doing things!
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Posted 22 May 2019 - 09:55 PM
Im sorry OP, I think that's the reality of the world we live in.. people don't feel nearly as safe as they used to. I live in NZ.. pretty safe really yet I STILL have fleeting thoughts about 'what if...?' when I am at a large gathering, such as new years etc. It's really awful
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Posted 22 May 2019 - 09:57 PM
mermaidie, on 22 May 2019 - 9:46 PM, said:
You're on the right track in thinking about these things don't stop asking those questions and fight the patriarchy!
Also, i didn't know that thing about the school that can controlfrom inside that's an interesting take of doing things!
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I did a school study on security, and it truly is a fantastic the community got together and got the funds for the schools to upgrade the system.
The demos that were released on the system in use were fascinating and I can see how they would be highly effective. I feel as technology advances so should school systems to keep up with the increasing amount of threat to protect as much as possible.
Indiana is a perfect example of a step In the right direction on what can be used for safety
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Posted 22 May 2019 - 10:01 PM
i have been out of school for 10 years and i was afraid of it back then, now i fear it for my kids.
i am also afraid of shootings in public places, and i think about where i would go if i heard gun shots.
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Posted 22 May 2019 - 10:07 PM
mermaidie, on 22 May 2019 - 9:22 PM, said:
I just don't agree with the mainstream excuses we're being fed that these shootings are caused by anger and mental health issues. I just don't buy it. That's what I'm saying. The shooters seem to much more frequently share race and gender demographics than mental health histories. The media and the government better come up with a better guise soon because the mental health spin isn't going to hold up much longer when you put photos of all the mass shooters together and they all look the same. Mental illnesses go across demographics. If it was mental illnesses people of all genders and colors would shoot up schools and churches. They don't. White men do. People are going to start thinking critically about it when their kids are dying this quick.
But that's just my two cents.
Disagree, I don't think being white and male causes shootings, if so.. there would be a HECK of a lot more. Plus, Virginia Tech dude was Asian wasn't he?
I don't think shootings have anything to do with the 'mental health' that can be sorted through chat therapy, I think they are caused by a deep and unrelenting hate/anger towards a particular group of people. Real intense hatred. I don't think you can change people's attitudes.. that's why it would be fabulous if the US did something about it's out-of-control gun use.
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Posted 22 May 2019 - 10:19 PM
Frozen Grape, on 22 May 2019 - 10:07 PM, said:
Disagree, I don't think being white and male causes shootings, if so.. there would be a HECK of a lot more. Plus, Virginia Tech dude was Asian wasn't he?
I don't think shootings have anything to do with the 'mental health' that can be sorted through chat therapy, I think they are caused by a deep and unrelenting hate/anger towards a particular group of people. Real intense hatred. I don't think you can change people's attitudes.. that's why it would be fabulous if the US did something about it's out-of-control gun use.
To be fair I said that talking with a trained counselor can help to identify a problem which can lead to intervention, and or it would at least put notification to parents and or law enforcement that there is a potential threat in a student. Not simply chat therapy.
If someone decides to use a gun to settle matter of anger and rage or hate then there IS a problem that needs to be rooted out. Shooting mass people is a problem that some would think mentally that it was okay.
No different than some people (not every one , just select people) who choose suicide by cop, or train. There is a mental reason they believe this is an okay way to handle what is going on inside of them.
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Posted 22 May 2019 - 10:33 PM
Frozen Grape, on 22 May 2019 - 10:07 PM, said:
We found one Asian in 100,000s of shootings we dunked that theory guys!! I'm not going to teach how statistics work and why they're important in this thread in depth. I did not say that being a white male means that you will turn out to be a school shooter. I said if you're a school shooter you're probably a white male. With how incredibly prominent white men are in the school shooting demographic and little mental health history these men actually have i am asserting our problem is more white male related than mental health related.Disagree, I don't think being white and male causes shootings, if so.. there would be a HECK of a lot more. Plus, Virginia Tech dude was Asian wasn't he?
I don't think shootings have anything to do with the 'mental health' that can be sorted through chat therapy, I think they are caused by a deep and unrelenting hate/anger towards a particular group of people. Real intense hatred. I don't think you can change people's attitudes.. that's why it would be fabulous if the US did something about it's out-of-control gun use.
I believe it is the same cause for rape culture and all the hate crimes we are seeing committed and class warfare and if everyone on all of these issues would just get together and go "huh" we'd stop the collapse of America as a country but people are just not ready yet to get there so people will just continue dying.
White men have been handed shit for so long, have had to work so little to be at the top for so long that when it looked like other people might have a fighting chance they decided they'd rather blow everything up then have that happen.
/endrant
I'm sorry for the thread derail again OP i have real feelings about this on so many levels.
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Posted 23 May 2019 - 12:42 AM
miassa, on 22 May 2019 - 10:19 PM, said:
To be fair I said that talking with a trained counselor can help to identify a problem which can lead to intervention, and or it would at least put notification to parents and or law enforcement that there is a potential threat in a student. Not simply chat therapy.
If someone decides to use a gun to settle matter of anger and rage or hate then there IS a problem that needs to be rooted out. Shooting mass people is a problem that some would think mentally that it was okay.
No different than some people (not every one , just select people) who choose suicide by cop, or train. There is a mental reason they believe this is an okay way to handle what is going on inside of them.
Yep I say talking with a trained counsellor = chat therapy. But.. the people we should be most worried about usually don't opt to see a counsellor, and are always "not the person you'd expect to shoot up a school"
Honestly I get just as frustrated when people say that about murderers.. 'they were troubled and should have been offered help' .. I actually totally disagree, I believe a lot (not all) of these people are basically evil, they act because they.. don't care.
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Posted 23 May 2019 - 12:51 AM
It’s awful, I remember being at a concert a week after Ariana Grandes concert was bombed and there was super high security there. Even so, my friends and I saw some very shady people there and we were all very freaked out. It’s since then that I can’t get the fear to go away, but it only really happens when I’m starting to have a panic attack anyway, so at least it’s not constant:)
#20
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- LocationMiddle of nowhere...literally
Posted 23 May 2019 - 07:20 AM
My quick 1 cent: I am not convinced of the link between white men so much as the link between socioeconomic status and culture. What I mean is people living below the poverty line, slightly above it, way above, etc. have a different take or perspective about everything in life. They place importance on completely different things. I wonder if the socioeconomic status plays a role. There was a time when the assumption of a serial killer was a white Male, 20s-mid 30s, living at home with mom in a basement but he had a decent job and was quite intelligent. Now that there's more diversity in middle and upper middle class...and access to information, there are more women and people of color entering into that world.
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0
How can Apple cider vinegar help with suppressing appetite?
#1 Guest_Femcell_*
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Posted 18 February 2021 - 03:34 AM
#2
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Choose your own title! PM Admin or Bibs.
Posted 18 February 2021 - 03:35 AM
I think it's mostly a gimmick tbh
If it helps suppress your appetite at all, it's only because it tastes like shit
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#6
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Sage
Posted 18 February 2021 - 07:04 AM
I met the darkness, said
"How do you do?"
I danced on water with the weight on my shoulders
I fell right through
In the water I see
What really lies beneath
In the water I see
Who I'm trying to be
In the water I see
Everything I want comes at a cost
Everything I want comes at a cost
And I want it all
So ring me up, put it on my tab
Whatever the cost
I'm good for it
#7
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menwhora-kun
- LocationHalcyon Tower, Ærolith Dynamics
Posted 18 February 2021 - 07:08 AM
made me feel too sick to eat lol
21 years old | ugw: 90 | vents and rants
>same username on edc
make me sad.
make me mad.
make me feel alright?
Close the world. .ƚxƎn ɘʜƚ nɘqO
#8
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Posted 18 February 2021 - 07:44 AM
Femcell, on 18 Feb 2021 - 03:34 AM, said:
I watch a YouTube video named “what I eat in a a day as a Victoria secret model” and one of the models takes a ACV diluted with water and says she takes ACV shots every morning and I’m like why??? Is that supposed to make you feel fuller?
I think it causes nausea. Which would cause someone to not want to eat. Also seems it would be really hard on the stomach. I don't think anybody needs to be drinking It!.
☼cutaloo's positive accountability ☼
#1
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Posted 07 January 2020 - 12:36 AM
It's a new year and Im feeling like Ive wasted my entire life. I've never been the one to make new years resolutions, but this year I would like to take some steps into becoming happier and more positive. And skinnier of course cause Im still on that bullshit.
My goals for the year:
-Get back into therapy and on my meds again
-Start school again, even if its just one class this year
-Clean more, Im tired of living in a depressing mess
Thats it. I don't want to tell myself I need to fix everything in my life right now or Im never going to do it, but I would like to take some steps to making myself feel less like a complete waste of space.
As for weight stuff:
CW: 110
GW1: 106
GW2 :102
GW3: 100
Id like to use this accountability to keep myself motivated to lose weight and try to see the positives. So Ill try to update as often as I can with how I did that day in terms of weight and general emotions. Id also like to include something positive in every post be it a quote, song, image, etc.
#2
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Posted 07 January 2020 - 12:38 AM
Ill start it forreal tomorrow but first a moodboard I made today:
#3
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Posted 07 January 2020 - 09:33 PM
Today was a decently good day.I didnt do a whole lot, but I did force myself to do some yoga a clean my room a bit. Thats more than I did yesterday. I had mcdonalds today, but I think im still under my TDEE so it should be okay once the bloating goes down.
Weight was averaging around 109 today. I did take lax though so it threw it off. Ill have a more official number tomorrow.
Picture of the day:
#4
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Posted 23 July 2021 - 08:42 PM
Yo, my dumb ass really made a goal to be happier and more positive in 2020, how unintentionally hilarious.
Update: I failed.
People commenting when you're in the kitchen?
#1
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Posted 07 April 2020 - 10:17 PM
Sorry in advance if this is posted in the wrong sub (I thought it should maybe go in the rant room but I was curious if this applies to anyone else?).
So. Yeah. I'm 26 and I live back with my parents atm bc of mental health reasons which isn't relevant here but just to explain in advance why I can't just leave lmao. My father, every. single. freaking. day. comes into the kitchen whenever I'm making something and HAS to comment. Sometimes it's regarding the food, other times they're comments like 'ohh look at you kitchen whiz! What's the masterchef making now?' or something. But it's not necessarily WHAT he says but the WAY he says it sounds so patronizing and condescending and every time it makes me freeze and consider throwing out my meal instead and I honestly don't know why it gets to me so much or why he even does it. It happens so much that I feel like it's getting really rude...? Especially because he's now on one of his world famous health kicks and suddenly is an expert of everything food and exercise related.
TL;DR Am I too sensitive to be bothered by someone commenting every time I enter the kitchen or touch food? Does this happen to anyone else?
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#2
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Posted 07 April 2020 - 10:24 PM
Yesss I feel you but with my older sister and my mom, it triggers me ugh
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#3
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Posted 07 April 2020 - 10:26 PM
SO MUCH!!!! I would go insane if someone did that, my friend always thinks she knows more about healthy food than I do and every time she learns something new she tells me like ive never considered it before and I want to scream. I know thats completely different but my thoughts around food have been absurdly researched and when im not ready to hear about: im really not ready. I already mention it too much in my head, I dont need other people bringing stuff to an overflowing table. You probably are too sensitive but so am I because I have totally thrown away my food because of a comment that meant nothing. If you can, maybe hide food in your room or make it clear that it bothers you. I am not one to suffer in silence when it comes to that sort of stuff...Let it be known. Good luck and dont throw a plate at your dad
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#4
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Posted 07 April 2020 - 10:30 PM
I forgot what I was making once, but my mom walked in the kitchen & very condescendingly said "you know that's going to make you fat right?" I was just like "yeah, you're right," and immediately dumped everything I was making into the garbage. My mom then flipped her shit and yelled at me for like half an hour about how I think I'm a smartass. Totally worth it though lol. I think they just try to get under our skin with comments like that; they don't actually want to give any good advice or comments.
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#5
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Posted 07 April 2020 - 10:56 PM
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#6
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empty-eyed villain
- Locationin hell on pink heelys
Posted 07 April 2020 - 10:58 PM
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#7
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Posted 07 April 2020 - 11:02 PM
He says really positive things but to me those are absolutely triggering. That’s a nope, I will leave immediately and won’t eat even if I was ravenous.
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#9
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Posted 07 April 2020 - 11:14 PM
Once~Effulgent, on 07 Apr 2020 - 10:26 PM, said:
SO MUCH!!!! I would go insane if someone did that, my friend always thinks she knows more about healthy food than I do and every time she learns something new she tells me like ive never considered it before and I want to scream. I know thats completely different but my thoughts around food have been absurdly researched and when im not ready to hear about: im really not ready. I already mention it too much in my head, I dont need other people bringing stuff to an overflowing table. You probably are too sensitive but so am I because I have totally thrown away my food because of a comment that meant nothing. If you can, maybe hide food in your room or make it clear that it bothers you. I am not one to suffer in silence when it comes to that sort of stuff...Let it be known. Good luck and dont throw a plate at your dad
No I think its pretty similar and I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I relate 100% to already having the high criticism in your head, you put it into words. I already eat mostly meal replacement shakes so I can be in and out super quick plus takes zero time to do the dishes lmao but thankyou for the advice. Won't throw a plate. Might through the cutlery drawer though.
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#10
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Posted 07 April 2020 - 11:16 PM
illiteratemouse, on 07 Apr 2020 - 10:30 PM, said:
I get it. My parents commenting on what I'm eating drives me up the fucking wall. Their BMI is in the obese range so idk why they think they have anything to say about my food. I think when you're living with them though, you just kinda need to grit your teeth through it and smile.
I forgot what I was making once, but my mom walked in the kitchen & very condescendingly said "you know that's going to make you fat right?" I was just like "yeah, you're right," and immediately dumped everything I was making into the garbage. My mom then flipped her shit and yelled at me for like half an hour about how I think I'm a smartass. Totally worth it though lol. I think they just try to get under our skin with comments like that; they don't actually want to give any good advice or comments.
That's a total power move right there throwing out your meal like that. I feel like my mother would give me the same lecture. You're right about the living situation thing though, I know I feel like the walls are super closed in these days from being around them too long. I'm sorry you have to deal with something similar though too.
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#11
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Posted 07 April 2020 - 11:17 PM
スナイパー•ウルフ, on 07 Apr 2020 - 10:56 PM, said:
I had to come out because when I ate normally I heard disgusting comments like are you pregnant. Yea sure. It's one of my worst fears and triggers soo badly it's still affecting me
I'm so sorry for your situation, but I'm also super proud of you! <3
#12
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Posted 07 April 2020 - 11:19 PM
barfbabe, on 07 Apr 2020 - 10:58 PM, said:
ahh yes.. my dad is very into health and blah and blah.. he'll make comments on my food having carbs or a lot of unnecessary sugar or high fructose corn syrup ... soo annoying.. my mum often just says like "oh what you're actually eating?" it kind of upsets me because i do eat, shut up
Thanks Google Dad. 
My mother is on the total opposite end of the scale... she has borderline anorexia and so she will comment saying how she feels so full from eating a single grape while I'm sitting there about to eat my first decent meal in forever and it's like... damn...
#13
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Posted 07 April 2020 - 11:19 PM
Oh my god I really know how you feel. Everytime someone says something about my food it triggers me like hell.
For example, when I'm at my bf's house, his mom always says outloud things like "oooohhh you're going to eat?", "oh you're making breakfast?", "oh what are you doing there???", "WHO ATE THE *****?", "wow you really can eat a lot!", "IS SOMEONE MAKING PIZZA OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT DOWN THERE?" shouting from the 2nd floor. SMH. I even bring my own food to his house so I don't need to cook or use their food. I'm so sensitive to comments.
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#14
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Posted 07 April 2020 - 11:20 PM
gigi.lexii, on 07 Apr 2020 - 11:02 PM, said:
Hi, are you me?? I’m 27, live with my parents for mental health reasons, and it’s like a MAGNETIC SITUATION: no matter when I’m in the kitchen, dad pops in and has to comment. And oh my god, your examples sound a lot like my dad. He says things like: “that’s a healthy meal!” ; “good to see you eating!” ; “looking healthy/strong!”
He says really positive things but to me those are absolutely triggering. That’s a nope, I will leave immediately and won’t eat even if I was ravenous.
Aslkdjslkfjdlkfjd. <3 I feel this so much. Gah, I'm so sorry you're in this position too.
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#15
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empty-eyed villain
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Posted 07 April 2020 - 11:22 PM
angelundermyskin, on 07 Apr 2020 - 11:19 PM, said:
im sorry, i know that can't be easy please stay safe <33Thanks Google Dad.
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#16
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Posted 07 April 2020 - 11:22 PM
deaddream, on 07 Apr 2020 - 11:19 PM, said:
Oh my god I really know how you feel. Everytime someone says something about my food it triggers me like hell.
When I'm at my bf's house, his mom always says outloud things like "oooohhh you're going to eat?", "oh you're making breakfast?", "oh what are you doing there???", "WHO ATE THE *****?", "wow you really can eat a lot!". I even bring my own food to his house so I don't need to cook. I'm so sensitive to comments.
I feel like thats super unwarranted territory and not something for her to comment on and that makes me feel super frustrated just reading that. I hope your bf doesn't make you feel guilty about eating either. <3
#17
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Omniscient
- LocationAustralia
Posted 07 April 2020 - 11:29 PM
I feel for you all. I'm an adult returned home to live with my parents because of my mental health. My Dad is the worst as he's retired as cooks for my Mum so he's always in the kitchen. I'm so sensitive around cooking or anyone even looking at my food. I have my own utensils I eat with and chopping boards and stuff. We try to cook separately now so there's no meltdowns on my part. If my Dad mentions anything, my Mum will usually growl at him - she knows!
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#18
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Posted 07 April 2020 - 11:44 PM
angelundermyskin, on 07 Apr 2020 - 11:20 PM, said:
Aslkdjslkfjdlkfjd. <3 I feel this so much. Gah, I'm so sorry you're in this position too.
Sending you just, allllllll the love. At least it’s wonderful to know I’m not the only one going though this, so thank you so much for that!! Xo
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#19
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Posted 07 April 2020 - 11:46 PM
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#20
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Omniscient
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Posted 08 April 2020 - 01:05 AM
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~Misty's Accountability~ sw:78 cw:59 ugw:50
#1
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Posted 26 April 2022 - 12:28 AM
Edited by misty967, 01 July 2022 - 08:01 PM.
<3
23~AN-R~she/her
Click for stats
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ht: 169cm / 5'6.5
sw/hw: 78kg (27.3) - 21st Jan 2022
cw: 59kg (20.7) - 28th June 2022
lw: 55kg (19.3) - 2nd July 2020
ugw: 50kg (17.5) - Aug-Sep 2022??
uugw: 48kg (16.8)
Whatever amount of time it takes
to hit ugw, that amount of time
will pass anyway.
So why not put my best effort every day??
It happens when it happens!!
78 77 76 75 74 73 72 71 70
69 68 67 66 65 64 63 62 61 60
59 58 57 56 55 54 53 52 51 50
49 48
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<3
#2
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Posted 26 April 2022 - 01:17 AM
So last week I tried doing a diet of 700cal a day with exercise to put me at a daily deficit of around 350. I had hoped this would lead to a 1.5kg loss but unfortunately the high restriction was too much for me and it led to binging. I managed to stay on 700 for 5 days before I decided to stop. I haven't lost any weight since 19th April when I first hit 67kg and it's causing me a lot of distress. I keep telling myself and have also been reassured by other members that this is normal and I'll get past the plateau soon. However, from some googling I discovered that it could take 8 weeks or more which seems like a terribly long time to not lose weight. I'm gunna try not to stress too much about that and just focus on my plan to break the plateau. This is what I'm gunna do in the next few weeks:
Monday 25th April - Sunday 1st May: Eat as close to 1200 as I can manage with exercise 4-5 times
Monday 2nd May: Start the Healthy Skinny Girl Diet with slight modifications, on the 1100 days I'll do 1200 instead, fruits/veggies will be counted as well
Hopefully hopefully hopefully the week at 1200 will increase my metabolism from doing 700, and the HSGD has some good calorie cycling to prevent my metabolism slowing down, or at least prevent it slowing even more.
Some ranting ahead so read at your own risk:
#3
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Posted 27 April 2022 - 02:46 AM
so glad to see you on accountability misty!!! your plateau will shift soon, you're on the right track with going to 1200 and keeping your activity levels as high as you have to get that maximum metabolism boost. i'm rooting for you love!!! really hope that the scale moves soon. stick with it and you'll get there asap <3
#4
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Posted 27 April 2022 - 09:21 PM
earthmoon, on 27 Apr 2022 - 02:46 AM, said:
so glad to see you on accountability misty!!! your plateau will shift soon, you're on the right track with going to 1200 and keeping your activity levels as high as you have to get that maximum metabolism boost. i'm rooting for you love!!! really hope that the scale moves soon. stick with it and you'll get there asap <3
Thanks so much angel, I really hope so too!!
#5
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Posted 27 April 2022 - 09:30 PM
Ok so I would really love to show some pics of my food but I can't figure out how to get the images to work rip
In other news I've decided to take a break from bumble as it's hard for me to handle a lot of rejection in a short space of time like that, I will still be going to a queer speed date next week but I don't have super high hopes. I was considering not going but I've already paid for the ticket so I may as well just see how it goes. As far as jobs go, I was able to get a medical certificate which will exempt me from having to apply for work in order to get gov assistance so I'll be able to have a break from that as well until the start of July.
I was texting my friend who has history of ed and she said I was being too dramatic in regards to how hopeless and worthless I feel. I told her that I was hoping finding a job or partner would help me with my ed but she said she thought it would be better if I dealt with the ed first. She could be right but the thing is I need to have something positive to recover into, I've always said that I don't want to make the same mistakes as the first time I recovered and have a super unhealthy depression comfort eating diet like I used to. I need something else to take up my time bc right now ana is all I have and it's all consuming and completely relentless. Its so hard for me to be completely honest with my friends and doctor cuz I can't afford to lose my friends and I'm terrified of going back to the psych ward.
The fact I'm not losing weight atm is still ofc upsetting me but in honesty, what choice do I have? I can't stop what I'm doing and I'm certainly not ready to give up on trying to lose. I really just need a win atm and it feels like everything's falling apart
#6
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Posted 28 April 2022 - 01:49 AM
Tempeh and konjac noodles w/ veg, 260 cal
#7
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Posted 29 April 2022 - 12:14 AM
29th April 2022: Day 10 of the plateau and day 5 of 1200
So today brings some good news, I got my red butterfly bracelet in the post! (Added a white thread to represent ortho tendencies and keep the ends neat) I'm happy cuz its handmade locally and super cute, it helps me to feel valid despite doctors and society at large. I think its really important to feel valid in ed bc there's nothing worse than feeling like you're not 'truly' suffering or you're 'not sick enough' bc you're not lw or uw. I could go into a big rant about 'atypical anorexia' but I think I'll save that for another time. Recently I felt really invalidated when I was applying for a medical certificate for gov assistance, and on the certificate my doc wrote that my bipolar was my 'primary' condition and that my anorexia was a 'secondary/related' condition. It made me upset bc I'm definitely not manic and haven't been for over 18 months, and I do get low moods and some depressive symptoms but I certainly wouldn't say I'm in a depressive episode atm. Meanwhile, I feel like I'm completely up to my ears with the anorexia and it's a hell of a lot more prevalent than the bipolar. If anything I would say the depression is a side effect of the anorexia, not the other way around! I think one of the big reasons that the depression has been kept mostly at bay during this relapse is because I was able to find and join the ed community and mpa. Eds are often times so cripplingly lonely and isolating bc you feel like not a soul in the world can understand. Finding people that truly empathise with you makes a world of difference to my mood and I don't know what I'd do without the amazing people I've met from mpa.
I've just started an honest attempt to quit smoking, yes health reasons obviously but in honesty my biggest motivation is that it will help me to get better performance with my cardio. Yesterday I used the nicotine mints and had 1 cig, which was cut down from my usual 4 cigs. I was joking with my friend that ana and ortho were fighting with each other about quitting cuz ana says they'll help me lose weight and ortho says they're bad for my lungs/health. I think ortho won out, especially considering that I've been smoking more since I relapsed which was over 3 months ago, and I've been smoking on and off for around 4 years so it's definitely gunna catch up to me if I don't take action now. Another factor was actually the plateau because it helped challenge the belief that cigs will help you lose weight, cuz for me they ain't doing jack shit right now. Maybe if my body is spending less time trying to repair the damage to my lungs it will spend more time getting rid of fat? hahah I can dream !
On a related note, today when I did my HIIT workout I chose one that was 50min instead of my usual 40min and I managed to get through it quite well! I simply adore Paula B's workouts on youtube bc she's so friendly and encouraging, plus her exercises are always simple to follow and generally very manageable and low impact. I also drink a ton of water during the workout so it definitely helps me to reach my daily water goal.
#8
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Posted 01 May 2022 - 08:00 PM
I am so excited to say that I finally broke through the hated plateau!! On the 30th April I was 66.5 and this morning I was 66 on the dot. Seems like the 1200 for a week really worked a charm so I'll definitely do that again if I hit another plateau, but ofc I really hope I won't. I'm so relieved that I'm losing again and it's really given me a boost of hope and motivation that I'll get to 60kg soon and ugw before the year is out! I'm trying to be less specific of when I expect/want to hit my goals cuz I've learned weight loss is never linear and it's hard to predict when you'll hit certain weights. It's so motivating that I'm now really close to my first sw of 61kg.
Since today is Monday, that means it's the start of my new diet plan, and I will be following the Healthy Skinny Girl Diet with a few modifications. Firstly, on the weekends I'll do 1200 to get a bit more boost and I'll be counting the cals from fruit/veggies cuz I just need to record everything I eat!! I'll also be exercising more than is suggested so that makes up for doing a bit more on the weekends lol. I'm also gunna change my weigh ins from once a week to every day and then taking the average of the week, I got this idea from my fave diet/fitness youtuber Will Tennyson so hopefully this will satisfy my urge to weigh all the time while also giving me a more accurate result.
This will be my template for the diet:
00/00/00 HSGD Day XX
Calorie goal:
Calories eaten:
Weight:
Weekly average:
Exercise:
Net:
Steps:
Water:
Sleep:
Notes:
#9
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Posted 01 May 2022 - 08:07 PM
2nd May 2022: HSGD Day 01
Calorie goal: 900
Calories eaten: 920
Weight: 66.0
Weekly average: n/a
Exercise: Walking (2hr), walking the dog (1hr), jogging (15min) 555 cal burned
Net: 365 cal
Steps: 21,260
Water: 2.5L
Sleep: 8hr 45min
Notes:
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#10
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Posted 03 May 2022 - 01:45 AM
Calorie goal: 800
Calories eaten: 1000
Weight:66.0
Weekly average:n/a
Exercise: fasted hiit cardio (30min), 300 cal burned
Net:700
Steps: 6590
Water: didn’t count
Sleep: 8hr 30min
Notes: speed date night! Had 2 glasses of rosè and I feel completely horrible about it … also had 3 cigs today rip
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#11
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Sage
Posted 03 May 2022 - 02:53 AM
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#12
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Posted 03 May 2022 - 11:09 PM
Calorie goal:900
Calories eaten:1195
Weight: 65.7
Weekly average: n/a
Exercise: Hiit workout (45min) burned 450cal
Net:745
Steps:930
Water:2L
Sleep: 7hr
Notes: still feeling real shit about the alcohol and also I definitely ate too much today, I’m not used to counting the net rather than food total and it’s making me kinda anxious, I guess it’s part of the diet so I’ll get used to it but maybe I will focus more on the food total. I think it’s just cuz I’ve read that food is much more important than exercise when it comes to weight loss but idk. Not a great day overall but I did clean my room so that’s something.
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#13
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Posted 04 May 2022 - 08:34 PM
5th May 2022 HSGD Day 04
Calorie goal:1000
Calories eaten: 1106
Weight: 65.4
Weekly average: n/a
Exercise: walking (2.3hr), jogging (10min), 449 cal burned
Net: 657
Steps: 18,862
Water: 2L
Sleep: 10hr 30min (made up for last night lol)
Notes: So excited cuz I got 4 matches from the speed date! Also really happy that I'm getting close to 65 
For some reason the jogging was more difficult today, I think it was cuz I didn't give my lunch (tuna sushi) enough time to digest before I started. The walk was really lovely tho. Also managed to stick closer to my calorie goal today so yay!! I spent so much at the supermarket tho rip. Can someone tell me why I spend more on groceries now than I used to before I was ana??? Is it cuz junk tends to be cheaper or is it cuz ana has expensive taste lol
#14
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Posted 05 May 2022 - 10:16 PM
New template!!
00/00/00 HSGD Day XX
Calorie goal:
Net:
Calories eaten:
Days since last binge:
Weight:
Weekly average:
Exercise:
Steps:
Water:
Cigs:
Sleep:
Notes:
#15
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Posted 05 May 2022 - 10:20 PM
6th May 2022 HSGD Day 05
Calorie goal: 950
Net: 436
Calories eaten: 1269
Days since last binge: 0
Weight: 65.6
Weekly average: n/a
Exercise: Hiit cardio (40min), walking (2hrs 40min), 833 cal burned
Steps: 18,174
Water: 2L
Cigs: 2
Sleep: 8hr
Notes: Binged at 4am it was on chocolate again, I don't think any kind of choc is safe for me now since it's too irresistible. I'm gunna stop buying it and do my absolute hardest to stop binging cuz I've been doing it too much lately. On the plus side it did motivate me to work extra hard at the cardio today which is why I did fasted hiit and walking. I downloaded an app which keeps track of how long it's been since I last binged which is great for motivating me to get the time higher and higher. I've also been using it for cigs as well but in honesty it's been harder than I expected to quit!! A good thing is that my resistance bands came in the post today so I had a bit of a practice to learn how to use them, hopefully they will help the flab on my arms lol
#16
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Sage
Posted 06 May 2022 - 01:48 AM
misty967, on 04 May 2022 - 8:34 PM, said:
5th May 2022 HSGD Day 04
Calorie goal:1000
Calories eaten: 1106
Weight: 65.4
Weekly average: n/a
Exercise: walking (2.3hr), jogging (10min), 449 cal burned
Net: 657
Steps: 18,862
Water: 2L
Sleep: 10hr 30min (made up for last night lol)
Notes: So excited cuz I got 4 matches from the speed date! Also really happy that I'm getting close to 65
omg yay four matches!!! they know our girl's a catch. you're doing wicked on HSGD, and hitting the cardio like usual too. also, YES it is more expensive to be ana, because we're not filling up on nutritionally low but calorific foods (which are cheapo) so we have to buy more of the more expensive higher-nutrition foods. also fresh fruit and veggies and fish are expensive ;(( it's a shame, i wish it was cheaper to choose the healthy option!
#17
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Posted 06 May 2022 - 03:30 AM
earthmoon, on 06 May 2022 - 01:48 AM, said:
omg yay four matches!!! they know our girl's a catch. you're doing wicked on HSGD, and hitting the cardio like usual too. also, YES it is more expensive to be ana, because we're not filling up on nutritionally low but calorific foods (which are cheapo) so we have to buy more of the more expensive higher-nutrition foods. also fresh fruit and veggies and fish are expensive ;(( it's a shame, i wish it was cheaper to choose the healthy option!
Thanks so much angel!! Yeah it really sucks how healthy/nutritionally dense foods are more expensive... it's almost like they want us to be fat lol. Ana is really testing me since tonight my fam had fish & chips and they always leave some chips and a few potato cakes as leftovers! I will be strong and resist cuz they're just cold and gross from the fridge (I have binged on cold chips before tho so rip) I've been missing you on discord!!
#18
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Posted 07 May 2022 - 12:48 AM
7th May 2022 HSGD Day 06
Calorie goal: 1200
Net: 1195
Calories eaten: 1300
Days since last binge: 1
Weight: 65.8
Weekly average: n/a
Exercise: Walking the dog (50min), 105cal burned
Steps:5,130
Water: 2L
Cigs: 2
Sleep: 6hr 50min
Notes: Pretty slow day but good overall. Had baked salmon with veg and konjac noodles for din and it was really yum!! I think from now on I'll just bake my salmon cuz it's easier and you don't need to oil the pan 
#19
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Posted 08 May 2022 - 03:20 AM
8th May 2022 HSGD Day 07
Calorie goal: 1200
Net: 676
Calories eaten: 1136
Days since last binge: 2
Weight: 65.7
Weekly average: 65.7
Exercise: Walking (2hrs 50min) burned 460cal
Steps: 20,200
Water: 2L
Cigs: 2
Sleep: 7hr 40min
Notes: Pretty uneventful day, a bit disappointed with my weekly average weight but at the very least I'm not gaining? As much as I know that from now on I'll prob lose more slowly and I'm trying to make peace with that but I desperately want to go back to losing 1kg/week. Something that motivates me a lot is that no matter how long it takes for me to hit ugw, that amount of time will pass anyway so I might as well give it my best effort.
#20
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Posted 09 May 2022 - 03:56 AM
9th May 2022 HSGD Day 08
Calorie goal: 900
Net: 623
Calories eaten: 912
Days since last binge: 3
Weight: 65.5
Weekly average: n/a
Exercise: Walking (1hr 50min) burned 294cal
Steps: 15,152
Water: 1.5L
Cigs: 2
Sleep: 9hr
Notes:
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- InterestsIm a recovered bulimic and apparently now anorexic LOL FML and I guess now I’m just trying to get my weight under control. I have PTSD and the world is literally ending so whats good.. on my shit again. will I ever recover? ha apparently, no. Some stuff about my pets: I have 1 pug, and a lionhead rabbit. I'm obsessed with african grey parrots and I cant wait to adopt one someday
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Sasha_Ascendant
10 May 2021 - 06:33
Does this make sense?
#1
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Omniscient
- Locationur mom
Posted 01 June 2022 - 04:33 AM
Long story short is that I'm sick, I've increased my calories (obviously), I've had to completely cutdown on working out, I'm not drinking as much water, I've had to reintroduce carbs such as noodles and bread into my diet, along with sodium, and somehow I've been losing weight. I thought my scale was off but I've reset it and tried in different spots and it says the same thing every time. I even ate an entire ramen packet with some heavier foods on the side and somehow that didnt play a role in like the scale saying something different? Shouldn't those foods cause for me to gain weight, or at least food weight? I'm in a place with my ED where I genuinely cannot tell if something is real or credible or something. It's gotten pretty bad, I just need an outsiders perspective. thank you )
#3
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Posted 01 June 2022 - 04:44 AM
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
<3
23~AN-R~she/her
Click for stats
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ht: 169cm / 5'6.5
sw/hw: 78kg (27.3) - 21st Jan 2022
cw: 59kg (20.7) - 28th June 2022
lw: 55kg (19.3) - 2nd July 2020
ugw: 50kg (17.5) - Aug-Sep 2022??
uugw: 48kg (16.8)
Whatever amount of time it takes
to hit ugw, that amount of time
will pass anyway.
So why not put my best effort every day??
It happens when it happens!!
78 77 76 75 74 73 72 71 70
69 68 67 66 65 64 63 62 61 60
59 58 57 56 55 54 53 52 51 50
49 48
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<3
#4
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Posted 01 June 2022 - 04:47 AM
a person can eat 3-4 entire ramen packets (depending) and even then some, lay in bed all day, and still lose weight (fat)
you might also be losing a lot of fluids from sweating due to fever
I hope you get well soon
My skinny friend weighs less than me
#1
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Posted 31 May 2022 - 10:50 AM
Title.
Uh???????
I'm not mad or anything I'm just like thats unfair. She weighs more than me and somehow shes a okay and slim...she damn near has a thigh gap. She eats chips when shes hungry and doesnt even think about her weight unless she notices she lost weight and then she says she needs to start drinking more shakes. But I'm over here and sure my body is "curvy" and deemed as 'thick" but like...idgaf. I don't want it. I know different body types are a thing but realistically if I have all of my weight in my thighs, ass, and stomach, how the fuck and where the fuck does she put it? I'd have to get down to like 70lbs to even remotely look like her.... which isn't my goal but thats the extent to which it is. Shes not even taller than me, we're practically the same height (she has a few centimeters on me, like 3)? make it make senseeeee
Food obsessed-{5'4", 118 to 105} C/S addict
#1
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Posted 14 April 2019 - 06:40 AM
A bit about me:
SO this is my food journal, where I'll post possibly multiple times a day to rant about my eating habits.
I chew and spit food daily,(usually a LOT) which is something that I have gained weight from in the past, and I am actively trying to lose while maintaining this bad habit. I struggle with binging, and this seems to help me curb my binging.
Other then c/s, I try to average at least 10,000 steps a day and eat maximum 1,200 calories a day.
I don't believe that I actually have an eating disorder, just some disordered eating habits and poor body image. My goal is to be healthy and in control.
I'll also probably post some stuff about BDSM once in a while because I'm trying to get back in the kink scene after being a social recluse for the last few years (and TBH most of my life.) So just a warning if you're bothered by that stuff.
#2
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Posted 14 April 2019 - 05:31 PM
Weight today: 113.8
Steps taken: 14,000
Calories consumed: 1,025
I decided I will start daily weighing myself. I barely weigh myself once a week. I have managed to gradually lose weight so far this past 6 weeks, but the scale still terrifies me. For instance, last Thursday I was 111.8 and, even though I did over eat once or twice, I don't think I could have possibly gained two pounds. UNLESS I wasn't ever 111.8 to begin with. I consume a LOT of sodium and I bulk-eat vegetables, so I think my weight fluctuates severally. I am almost always very bloated. I am scared that my weight isn't really dropping but that it's just a fluctuation, which is kind of stupid. Still, I want to start to weigh in daily, even if I don't like what I see. I'm hoping I will be able to track things better.
SO TODAY I basically chew and spat all day. At my work I was alone in an office, and for at least 4 hours I chew and spat. I don't do this at work if I could help it, but today I was alone so I could get away with it easier, and there were bagels and cream cheese that were going to be thrown out, so I c/sed as many as I could in four hours. Which was a lot. Also, I brought home this massive birthday cake that I got from my work, and I chew/spat half of it once I got home. At work I couldn't rinse out my mouth after each bite so I probably ended up consuming some of the cream cheese. (I logged 5 tablespoons, which yeah is a lot, and I'm hoping it's an over estimation.)
Of the cake, I rinsed my mouth after each spit so I wouldn't accidentally swallow any frosting. I didn't count anything of my c/s binge from the cake.
I'd like to post pictures of my food but I haven't figured out how to yet. This is my first accountability, and a lot of the accountabilities on this site are really entertaining and fun to read. Mine will probably be boring, but I'm just going to treat this like my personal ranting place.
Altogether I ended up eating 1,025 calories today. I think. That's the problem with c/s. I never know how much I actually consume. This really terrifies me, but as long as I can consistently lose weight it doesn't bother me too much.
I'm going to bed soon. I wake up at 5:30 to do yoga, go for a jog, do 10 minutes of weight lifting, and meditate. I find that when I get back from work I am too lazy to motivate myself to do anything, so I basically just cook dinner for me and my bf, food prep our lunches, do a little housework, and watch tv. I try to get all the things that require energy done before my job begins at 8 AM. Then at night I'm just lazy.
#3
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Posted 14 April 2019 - 05:47 PM
This weekend I met up with a friend-with-benefits that I only see maybe once every month or two when I need a re-up on weed. This sounds rude, and I guess it probably is, but I'm pretty much asexual for the most part, but I am DTF once in a while, but almost only when I'm super stoned. So we get together, get super stoned, and fuck for a while.
Anyway, I got SOOO stoned. I almost felt drunk I was so stoned. We had some good sex, but again and again my friend (I'll call him K) was like, "You've gotten too skinny. You are so tiny. Your tits and your ass have gotten smaller. I can see your ribs more. You have lost too much weight." He brought this up quite a few times while we were fucking, which was really unsexy and irritating to me. I kept on assuring him that I am a healthy BMI and that my rib cage is just huge. He asked, "Yes, but did a doctor tell you that? BMI doesn't matter. You have to get your shoulders measured and see if you are actually healthy with your weight." (I can assure you, I am not broad shouldered, I just have a huge rib cage and my upper body looks several BMI points smaller then my pear-shaped lower half. =/ )
I was kind of flattered the first time he called me tiny, because at least my weight loss, no matter how small, was noticed by someone. Nevertheless, he seemed really caught up on it, maybe because he was so stoned. K is a bit larger, which I really don't care about, but I don't think he knows anything about CICO. He poured me a drink before we smoked, and it was 300 calories. I told him I didn't want it because I had already eaten a ton that day, and I didn't like beer, and he said, "Yeah, you need this, you'll be burning all those calories you ate today when we fuck tonight." Like ok, no, you can't burn my day's binge worth of calories with sex.
Anyway, we had chipotle after we fucked and I was still really stoned, (I ate a TON Saturday.) Also the whole next day I felt really high still. It's been a while since I've smoked enough to get a "hangover."
#4
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Posted 15 April 2019 - 04:00 PM
Weight: 113.6
Steps:14,000
Calories consumed: 1,000
I set my alarm for 5:30 to go for a run, but it was raining out, so fuck that. I still got up since I was already awake. I did twenty minutes of yoga, ten minutes of weights, and 25 minutes of meditation.
At work I try to "fast" until noon, but someone gave me sushi at 10 AM, so I had that. I had 4 pieces for 200 calories. Not sure if they were worth the calories, but it was super yummy.
After my work I brought my car to the repair shop to get the tire changed as it blew out over the weekend and I had on one of those tiny emergency spare ones. I dropped off my car and walked to walmart which was down the road, excited that I'd get a lot of steps in. I got a call from the car place while at walmart. "Where's your tire rim?"
Answer: I HAD THROWN IT OUT. I had no idea I had to keep the rim? I thought it was a part of the tire and the tire was complete rubbish, so I put it by my apartment's dumpster that very morning. I called my bf to go look in the dumpster. There was no tire, even though the trash had not been taken out, so obv someone had seen a valuable rim and taken it. Not gonna lie, I was really tired and emotional at this point and I shed a few tears, but I called my mom and ranted to her and was able to laugh about it after. She's great like that.
I walked back to the tire place, joked about it a bit. He said, "If it makes you feel any better, I've worked here for fifteen years and three other people have done it in this time, so you are not alone."
NO THIS DOES NOT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER IN FACT I FEEL EVEN MORE STUPID NOW.
I looked up rims online and luckily mine isn't very expensive.
So that was my sucky adventure today.
I got home and had lunch. 6 oz of broccoli because I fucking love broccoli, 2 oz of tomatos, a little sriracha, and half of a traider joe's hummus wrap. Altogether 233 calorie.
I have 200 calories left of my day and I'll definitely find something else to eat. But until then I am chewing and spitting the other half of my chocolate cake and a glazed honey bun.
#5
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Posted 16 April 2019 - 05:43 PM
Weight: 112
Steps: 15k
I woke up at 112 today! That's 1.2 pounds down from yesterday. To be honest, it made me nervous, like I was losing weight TOO fast somehow. I don't think I'm disordered. I really want to be healthy. It's just that my goal weight is slightly underweight, and as an already "healthy thin" individual no normal person would understand why I want to be even more thin. So yeah, it freaked me out a little, like what if people notice? But nevertheless, I was super psyched to have experienced a weight drop like that. I am guessing my weight last thursday of 111.8 was more realistic, and binging over the weekend lead to a temporary gain that I'm only now recovering from?
I woke up at 5:30, did yoga, and went for my morning run.
#6
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Posted 17 April 2019 - 03:14 PM
Weight: 112.2
Calories: 1,000 1,370 ??
Steps: 14k
Today was pretty uneventful. I did somehow manage to eat an apple and a half and a banana for snacks, so a lot of fruit calories.
Lunch was the same thing I've had every day this week so far: Broccoli, carrots, and a vegan burger.
Tonight for dinner I had miracle noodles with broccoli, carrots (I need to go shopping for different veggies), vegan mushroom deli slices, and a yogurt sauce that I tried to make but failed at. I added the yogurt directly to my food and cooked it in, but I think I needed to just pour it on top. Still a massive amount of food for 260 calories.
#7
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Posted 18 April 2019 - 04:52 AM
Welp, had to edit last night's post and add extra calories that I ate. My day had gone so well and I had so many calories saved for that night. but for the past two days when I C/S I've been binging on small bites here and there. This isn't even me not washing out my mouth between bites. This is me with no self control purposefully swallowing without measuring what I am eating or having a way to actually count what I eat. I THOUGHT that I only ate 370 calories above my limit, which yeah is bad enough, but today I woke up at 112.6, so maybe it was even more then that. That's .4 pounds heavier then yesterday! Which was .2 pounds heavier then the day before!
I'm not sure what I'll do today. Part of me want to fast, which tbh I am worried will lead to me binging. I will most likely try to low restrict, and I am hoping I don't utterly fail at it and have enother day over eating. I got this. I just have to really limit my c/s time and control this habit. C/s is supposed to cure my binges not lead to more. I don't know what steps I will yet take to limit and/or control my c/s behavior. But I know I can't go on like this or I will gain all my weight back.
This week was my week without EC stacking, as I take a week off every month. I was going to start again tomorrow, but I'm going to start again today.
#8
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Posted 18 April 2019 - 07:35 PM
Steps: 15k
Calories:500
So obviously I woke up and had gained a bunch of weight, which is super disappointing, nevertheless today was pretty great because I started EC stacking again, and I had basically no appetite all day. I could have easily fastes but I didn't because I kind of suck.
Lunch was 100 calories of steamed veggies, miracle noodles, and 30 calories of sauce. Total : 130 calories
Dinner was salad with some feta cheese for 150
Dessert, unpictured, was 7 oz of sliced strawberries with 1/3rd cup of Greek yogurt and 3 hersheys kisses for 170.
Also below is some of this week's c/s haul. So excited to taste all these things
#9
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Posted 19 April 2019 - 06:50 PM
For breakfast I had a drinkable Greek yogurt. It was only 100 calories and it was 18 grams of protein!! I was really impressed. I didn't take a picture but I have more so I will next one I have.
I volunteered from 8:30 to 1:30, then was asked to work over time (yay!) for second shift, so I'm at work now.
For lunch I had cauliflour rice with soy sauce and spices (110) and a hummus wrap (180) that's the only meal I ate not around people, so it's the only pic I have.
For dinner at work I had a salad with cheese (160) the other half of wrap (180) an apple (90) and a small cookie (150)
Altogether I ate about 1,000 calories. I also walked 11 thousand steps. I'm looking forward to my one day off tomorrow. Going to get stoned and be lazy all day most likely.
#10
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Posted 21 April 2019 - 05:18 PM
I was expecting to have gained a lot but somehow I woke up at 110.2!! Like wth. Now my BMI is in the 18s!!
This, too be honest, freaks me out. I'm not sure why but I get bad anxiety that I'm so close to an underweight BMI. It didn't take me very long to get here, and pretty soon I'll be at my goal weight. Only five more pounds! I am very health conscious and tbh I guess I am scared that I'll be unhealthy at 105, even though it's not that different then now. Last time I got to this weight I lost my period and the anxiety of being semi thin made me get fat again. How weird is that? Like I subconsciously jinx myself. I get anxious, and then I get light headed, and I convince myself it's because I am eating too little, so then I binge and get fat. Or something.
Today I ate 1,100 calories. Of those I somehow ate 100 grams of protein. I don't think I've ever eaten so much protein in my life. (I'm vegitarian.) I still feel light headed somehow, but I'm not hungry at all, and I think it's anxiety.
I'm working 4 to midnight tonight, and then tomorrow I have to be back into work at 8 am and I work until 8 pm. I won't have any time to do my workouts tomorrow, but that's ok because I'll be getting over time for the 3rd week in a row.
#11
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Posted 08 May 2019 - 07:54 PM
Tw:drugs. The harmless kind.
So this weekend me and my partner went to a woodland shroom party. I got really stoned before doing shrooms (I had like 4 edibles because yes cookies) which made me kind of anxious so I decided to just do 1.5 grams of shrooms instead of the 2 that I had originally planned, which I regretted because after a few hours my trip wasn't even that strong. I am on a low dose of Ssri and I blame that. But it was disappointing.
I was complaining to some new friends at this party and they gave me lsd since my high wasn't great . And let me tell you, lsd is so fucking wonderful. It was my first time and I cannot wait to do it again. I had the best visuals.
We all got in a circle and took turns inhailing nitrous and making out with the person next to us. It was fucking amazing. Also my first time. The rush of euphoria was unreal, and then you inhail it into the mouth of the person next to you, and they exhail it back into your mouth, and it goes back and forth until it runs out/you are about to pass out. It felt like I was being sucked into a (pleasent) dementor. Like there was an unbreakable suction between me and my partner, a snake weeving back and fourth between us that you pass back and forth. I'm not sure how much my lsd magnified the experience, but I am sure it wouldn't have been as great without lsd because damn was it intense.
There was a lot of really beautiful people at the party. Like, my type of beautiful: androgynous, tattooed, short haired, goddess girls. Thinner then me too. I was much too shy to hit on anyone plus they all had other partners and there wasn't too much sex or hookups going on.
I also ate a ton on the weekend because I didn't count calories or restrict myself and the day after tripping I still felt kind of high in a nice way and ordered Chinese which I rarely allow myself.
But now I'm back on track and high restricting below 1200. So wish me luck.
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#12
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Posted 09 May 2019 - 07:51 PM
I got to chew and spit lots of food stuff - - cheese cake, cupcakes, muffins, etc.
Also my coworker brought a baby orphans squirrel into work on his way to the wild life rehabilitation center. This baby was the most cuddly thing ever. I have never felt so motherly before.
Does anyone know how I can make my photos bigger? They seem to appear like thumbnails.
#13
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Posted 09 June 2019 - 06:03 AM
My issue is, quiet obviously, chewing and spitting for hours every day. But not just the act of chewing and spitting, but the fact that I will allow myself an actual bite here and there and (sometimes) an actual slice of cake. They don't seem like a lot because I am still spitting out 99% of what I eat. These small nibbles add up and they are impossible to actually guess the accurate amount of calories because they aren't measured. And the things that I chew and spit are always extremely high calorie foods.
SO yeah, at this point I'm just so discouraged and afraid to weigh myself. It's crazy how easy it is to gain even when I try to restrict. I've basically been eating like a normie which is not ok.
Also I think I may have lost my period, which just kind of sucks because I haven't lost any weight? My meals are all very low calorie but my daily mini binges are not.
Anyway that's an update, hopefully I can keep up with this thing.
#14
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Posted 10 June 2019 - 05:54 PM
Tomorrow after work I am going out with my boyfriend to a shibari group that his friends do. I'm not super into rope because, idk, I'm not very good at it and I'm shy to practice on someone. I feel like I keep messing up and it takes forever to fix a knot and I get anxious my sub is getting bored and I am being judged on my poor rope skills. Lol. I have severe social anxiety and anything that I could be judged for or potentially fail at fills me with extreme aversion. And a lot more things fall into those two catagories then one might think.
That said I'll probably be the person getting tied, which is easier but just as bad. Like yeah, being tied up feels good, but I hate the way my body looks, especially in harnesses. All my fat pops out between the rope and it's really repulsive looking to me and turns me way off. I can tolerate it because usually there are people who weigh more than me getting tied at the same time, which is kind of mean. I know I don't look bad in comparison.
That said, I'm doing this for my boyfriend tomorrow, and I haven't been social much these past couple of years so I'm kind of anxious but excited I suppose.
I hope I keep my calories low tomorrow
#15
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Posted 12 June 2019 - 10:25 AM
Yesterday ended up going really well!
After work my boyfriend and I went out for sushi for his birthday, and then we went to the rope event. (Bondage. We're both kinky.)
I think I ended up eating close to 2,000 calories which is a TON I know but I don't feel too guilty because I'm back on track today and only planning on eating 600 calories. I weighed myself after last night's massive intake and I was 114 lbs which isn't terrible, all things considered. I even had a BM after so maybe it will be a little less tomorrow.
I feel in control, I have energy, and I'm happy. I honestly think this is pretty much ALL because I started EC stacking. I needed to take a month off from ephedrine for it to actually have an effect because my body got too used to it, but now I'm really feeling it and it's wonderful. The only thing I'm dreading is when I need to stop taking it after a few weeks, because I always feel seriously drained for a few days, and also get the really strong desire to reactive eat. But that's a problem for next month, and hopefully I'll be thinner by then.
So rope went well. I was really anxious before going, but once I went it was okay. I even got naked to my underwear because EVERYONE was naked to at least their underwear if not all the way, and didn't give a fuck so neither did I. It wasn't a huge group and I was the second skinniest person. The skinniest person was a tiny twiggy dude. I ended up getting tied a bunch but then I tied up my boyfriend and I did okay. Not everyone in the group was a rope expert luckily so it was okay and messing up didn't bother me.
I got slightly dysphoric at one point because I was getting put in a harness and I really hate the way harnesses make my breasts look. They kind of look saggy and pushed to the side and it's UGH. I think that pretty much happens to everyone's boobs unless, IDK, maybe not if you have really large tits or super perky ones, but I think my tits are averagely/normal? iDK I just started to feel badly about my chest so I took off the harness and then put my BF in a harness instead so it was ok.
I would have had a lot more fun and been more relaxed if I was stoned. The house I was out had SO MUCH WEED IN IT. Like bags full of flowers on the counter. Everyone there was huge stoners, and one girl did hit a bong a bunch. I got offered two hits which did nothing for me because I think my tolerance is maybe too high, but then I was too shy to ask for any more and also I'm not sure if that's even cool since I don't know these people too much. Not too much smoking going on, and usually at this house there's a ton, so maybe next time I can get stoned.
Tonight I'm working second shift, and this weekend I'm going to go visit my family which I'm psyched for. It's my little sister's birthday. I usually eat WAY too much when I visit my family because they have so much food over there and I get bingy and also they always eat ice cream and I fucking love ice cream. This week I'm going to try to control myself and even go shopping for halo top and such if I need to. I figure even if I eat 1,200 calories a day that's not bad. I've only been low restricting lately because EC stack is making it really easy to, but I don't plan to continue that.
#16
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Posted 13 June 2019 - 09:53 AM
I ended yesterday at 650 calories and 14,000 steps! I'm psyched.
Today will be another day of 650 calories tops.
I'm not even purposefully low restricting, it's just kind of happening. I really do think it's the ephedrine, but also maybe hormonal? I lost my period already, but I always notice that some weeks of the moth I feel ravenous and some I am never hungry. I'm not sure if that's normal or what? I've always been that way. I think this might just be a not-hungry stage. I'm going to ride it out and continue to low restrict until I feel the need to eat more.
Also I weighed in at 113.2 today which isn't bad.
Last month I was 111 so I still gained since then. Ugh. Hopefully I can be at 111 again soon.
I still don't believe I have an eating disorder, aside from my disordered habit of chewing/spitting constantly. How do I know if I have a disorder or not? So many people on these forums are actually sick, like really sick, and they want to be hospitalized and seen as sickly. I want to be BMI like 17, or even 18, and to be healthy. And honestly I think if anyone knew about my eating habits or if I had to get treatment for them I'd die of embarrassment and shame. NOT because I think anyone should feel ashamed of their eating disorder. But if I get one, I welcomed it with open arms and it's my fault, you know? So yeah, I'd rather not have a disorder. I also don't think I'm fat, aside from my thighs. I just know I'd look better thinner.
Chewing and spitting is the closest I come to disordered. It is really obsessive. Last night at work we were given a box of pastries from panera bread and I chewed and spat them AT WORK in a room full of PEOPLE. I don't think anyone saw me, but who knows?? How crazy is that? It's just that if I didn't chew and spit I would eat them. For all I know people noticed and just didn't say anything. Like i chew and spit every spare moment I get, and sometimes even at work when I really shouldn't be.
I read some BP accountabilities on here and I'm grateful I don't purge. I wish I could purge sometimes, and trust me I've tried. But I can never throw up! All I do is dry heave and my eyes will water and I will feel so exhausted but I can never get anything up no matter how much I have eaten. So c/s it is.
#17
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Posted 13 June 2019 - 06:58 PM
My mistakes :
-120 calories of hummus veggie wrap
-1 prune for 23 cal (who fucking knew prunes had so many calories? Thank God I didn't eat more! I almost took a small handful which would have devastated me when I logged it after)
-a banana (kind of large but I said 105)
-estimated two cups of strawberries (106)
So yeah, slightly disappointed in myself. It's not really bad because I'm a high restrictor, but I felt hungry later towards this afternoon and being hungry terrifies me because I am so scared of binging and gaining. Hungry when you feel nicely empty and in control is amazing, not when you want to eat everything around you. Hungry = loss of control and its scary.
Maybe I do have a disorder or am getting one? Idk
Tomorrow I'm driving down to my parents and I'll spend two days there. I always end up saying fuck it and over eating while I'm there and I am going to work really really fucking hard not to do that this weekend.
The trip down is 3 hours and one thing I do when I make the trip of able myself a Mcdonald ice cream cone for 200 calories. It's one of my safe foods but I don't allow myself it often. I'm looking forward to that cone!
#18
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Posted 14 June 2019 - 07:13 PM
Weighed 113 this morning.
Took 11,000 steps
Ate 700 calories.
I am at my parents house now and I am not weighing my food or even measuring it in front of people, but I did cook my own dinner and I am fairly certain I was pretty accurate with the count.
My sister met and began dating a guy last year. This summer they got engaged. They were going to get married next summer, but now they moved the wedding to this December. I'm really upset about it just because it's so fast. But my parents are fine with it and my sister is really happy, so I'm not going to trample all of over that. They are Christians who think that sex and living together comes after marriage, so of course there is a rush to get married.
The crazy thing is most of the people we know and grew up with were Christians who were married really young, some of them at 18, and they all married quickly-- like in the first year of knowing someone. They seem to have happy marriages, so I guess it works. But I am uneasy and a bit sad over it anyway.
#19
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Posted 14 June 2019 - 07:44 PM
Yea.. I'm not religious, but I feel like I need to be with someone at least 2-3 years before considering engagement
I am envious of people who find love early, but at the same time I pity them because they don't get to explore different lovers or have freedom/fun
Or maybe I'm just lowkey afraid of commitment, hahah
#20
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Posted 15 June 2019 - 04:15 PM
I ate a lot of calories today, close to 2,000. I'm not worried about it though.
I drove to a cute walking village in the Hudson Valley with some of my siblings. We went for a short hike and then walked around town and went shopping. We went to this build-your-own doughnut shop. I ate half of one and it was amazing. Here's a shitty picture. I don't usually take many pics but I took one that ended up blurry. You pick your glaze, then your topping, then your drizzle. They were surprisingly cheep too.
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#72254899One meal a day
Posted by on 09 July 2020 - 03:19 PM in General ED Discussions
The only caveat I would mention is that you should probably still monitor calories to an extent on OMAD. I’ve seen some people eat like a 2000 calorie takeaway as their one meal and that sort of defeats the purpose imo because you won’t lose if you’re eating over maintenance regardless of how many meals you’re eating.
#72254731Do you look through people’s stuff when you use their bathroom?
Posted by on 09 July 2020 - 03:00 PM in General ED Discussions
#70296775does anyone get super depressed when restricting?
Posted by on 23 January 2020 - 07:03 PM in General ED Discussions
OMANKO, on 23 Jan 2020 - 6:48 PM, said:
i tend to get on a super high level of anxiety while restricting (depressed too) but i feel more depressed when i am stuck in a b/p phase. at least when restricting i'm achieving something even if i feel like shit while doing it
This is exactly how I feel - restriction makes me so incredibly anxious but nothing feels more depressing than a binge cycle for me.
#70296575whats the grossest food for you?
Posted by on 23 January 2020 - 06:34 PM in General ED Discussions
Seafood. I despise coming across mukbangs when they're tearing apart massive crab legs or whatever it may be. Horrific.
Also really not a fan of pork - it looks and smells so unappetising.
#69600305Sims 4 "Discover University" Game
Posted by on 13 November 2019 - 06:30 AM in Off Topic Discussions
Dingus, on 13 Nov 2019 - 03:44 AM, said:
TS2 University was my favorite expansion pack. I hope this one has some new majors! And an update to the dorm system lol.
Yesss, TS2 in general is the elite.
#69525473what’s a food smell you can’t stand?
Posted by on 05 November 2019 - 05:22 PM in General ED Discussions
Beef while it's being cooked. It's my least favourite smell on this planet.
#69474323Anyone else ever go through temporary phases of “not caring about weight gain...
Posted by on 31 October 2019 - 04:48 PM in EDNOS Discussions
Dingus, on 31 Oct 2019 - 02:40 AM, said:
Yeah, that’s how I ended up at my HW (49 lb above my LW). I wasn’t happy with my body or eating habits, I just stopped caring. But of course now I’m fat and hate myself and overall the temporary freedom to eat like crap was not worth it. I’ll never be happy though. There’s always something to dislike about yourself.
I have the same pattern. It's like I just run out of energy to keep giving a fuck and just spiral. Reached my HW twice doing exactly this. Then reality sinks in when you see you've suddenly hit your HW again. I felt like dying I was so ashamed because I knew it was happening but I couldn't bring myself to care enough to stop.
#69462843Would you purge if there were no physical health consequences?
Posted by on 30 October 2019 - 01:34 PM in General ED Discussions
I'm very afraid of vomiting so I still don't think I'd go through with it but I'd be more tempted to try probably.
#69453501If you could choose one item of food to magically become 0 calories, what wou...
Posted by on 29 October 2019 - 06:12 PM in General ED Discussions
Probably pasta since I eat so much of it. Cheese is a close second.
#69453455Uk folks, bbc- who are you calling fat? Obesity show
Posted by on 29 October 2019 - 06:09 PM in General ED Discussions
Bucketfullofeds, on 29 Oct 2019 - 6:01 PM, said:
You said it better than I could.
I agree something is off about her.
I honestly think babs has an ed she said she stopped eating for like 8 months and lost 140 lbs! Then put more back on. That's exreme even for Ed sufferers. She certainly shows the self loathing and lack of confidence that comes along with eds.
I really do hope she is able to get help from this show.
I'm not sure if you've watched the final episode so I'll try to put this in a spoiler (sorry if it doesn't work, I cannot technology) but
#69453327Uk folks, bbc- who are you calling fat? Obesity show
Posted by on 29 October 2019 - 05:57 PM in General ED Discussions
I really couldn't stand the fat activist woman (Victoria?) because she was so condescending and passive aggressive. She referred to the man with the gastric bypass as having stomach mutiliation surgery... extremely rude for someone who is meant to be all about ~loving yourself~. She came out with so many strange things that I just tuned out when she spoke: exercising is internalised fatphobia, overweight is an offensive term, the science behind obesity is bogus, losing weight to improve your diabetes is fatphobic... lol. Such a smug twat.
Interesting that she makes money off of "coaching" obese people... almost like she wants them to stay unhealthy because she makes a profit off it? Maybe I'm cynical, but I wouldn't be surprised since she was pushing an agenda the entire time. I felt sorry for Babs - she seemed very fragile and perhaps not ready to be on this program but hopefully it'll allow her to find some help.
#69397257What do you get at McDonald's?
Posted by on 24 October 2019 - 03:07 PM in General ED Discussions
Spit-out-SlimJim, on 24 Oct 2019 - 08:28 AM, said:
Fries because I'm vegetarian. Maybe ice cream if I'm feeling frisky.
Same, I almost never go but I love their fries.
#69397221Anorexic/eating disorder hate thinspo
Posted by on 24 October 2019 - 03:03 PM in Thinspirations
vem, on 24 Oct 2019 - 1:45 PM, said:
I haaate when people argue like this. "Don't try to counter my points or you're a bitch". If you were that confident in your argument, you wouldn't feel the need to lock it inside an echo chamber where nobody is allowed to challenge you? Not only is it stupid but it reeks of self importance - you're not the only person in the world who's allowed to voice their opinion.
#69396951has anyone lost 20-30lbs within 3 months?
Posted by on 24 October 2019 - 02:39 PM in General ED Discussions
.
#69393583Eating out at Wagamama
Posted by on 24 October 2019 - 09:38 AM in General ED Discussions
I think the vegan ramen is under 600kcal
#69386875Gastroparesis?
Posted by on 23 October 2019 - 04:28 PM in Anorexia Discussions
It could also be acid reflux. Sometimes it's exacerbated by certain food and drink. I would go to the doctor if I was you, just to get things checked out. It could be a number of things so it's better to be sure so that you don't panic yourself too much.
#69386843Started crying giving my order to server at restaurant
Posted by on 23 October 2019 - 04:23 PM in Anorexia Discussions
I'm sorry, it really is a terrible feeling. It's happened to me once - I didn't cry but I had a panic attack. It was embarrassing as I couldn't catch my breath and was shaking. If it's any comfort to you, I'm sure as a server she's seen much more outlandish things than that and it will be forgotten about quickly.
#69384439Restricting calories and exercising but NOT losing weight? Here’s why...
Posted by on 23 October 2019 - 12:19 PM in General ED Discussions
#69383251Anyone else feels like eating first thing in the morning is a waste of calories?
Posted by on 23 October 2019 - 10:29 AM in General ED Discussions
Rosenrot, on 23 Oct 2019 - 10:22 AM, said:
Breakfast is bullshit. I’ve been saying it for ages. Most people can hold out for food until noon and function just fine while waiting. I always eat my first meal around lunchtime or later.
Same. Different strokes for different folks but it always makes me hungrier. I’ve never really bothered with it, dinner is my favourite meal.
#69383213when are you more motivated to restrict?
Posted by on 23 October 2019 - 10:27 AM in General ED Discussions
#69383187Anyone else wish they were in love so they can stop thinking about food?
Posted by on 23 October 2019 - 10:25 AM in General ED Discussions
.
#69383077Bella Hadid's diet
Posted by on 23 October 2019 - 10:16 AM in General ED Discussions
#69383027today i spent all my calories on a sub and it didn’t even taste that good
Posted by on 23 October 2019 - 10:11 AM in General ED Discussions
#69383003I’d give an arm for a couple more inches in height
Posted by on 23 October 2019 - 10:09 AM in General ED Discussions
#69380437What do you guys think of feederism/gainers?
Posted by on 23 October 2019 - 04:27 AM in General ED Discussions
BohemianButterfly11, on 23 Oct 2019 - 03:13 AM, said:
I've always felt that it should be classed as a form of abuse/self harm on both parts ... If it were reversed and the feeder was actively preventing the gainer from having access to food... A starver/loser relationship, people would be outraged ... It's flat out abuse of a person with emotional/mental health issues.
I agree with you 100%. But the strange thing is, I have actually seen people condone relationships where a “dom” encourages his sub’s anorexia. Putting them on a diet, controlling their food, etc. I find it very odd that some people think that’s okay because “it’s part of the BDSM dynamic” or they’re “two consenting adults”. To me, it’s quite clearly abuse dressed up as kinky.
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