♡ KittenPurrincess' Abyss ♡
Started by KittenPurrincess, Dec 10 2017 05:55 AM
Vegan Food pics 800kcal Mid restriction Stonerexic Rants Anime Blackpink Recovery Relapse1938 replies to this topic
#1 
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 10 December 2017 - 05:55 AM
Welcome to my accountability! YOOKOSO!
I got to my LW on this accountability but since May 2018 till April 2019 I'd gained so much weight due to extreme hunger/ reactive bingeing.
☆ 2020 October Update ☆
underweight again (BMI17), unappetised, ED on the backburner, substance abuse, comfort in trauma, healing and happy ♡
Some info
I'm Vegan
Sedentary AF
High Restriction, aiming to keep it under 1,200kcal a day. Gotta keep functioning at work and keep my boyfriend off my case after all
(๑ ＞ڡ＜ )☆
Have to have a piece of non-starchy fruit
or veg
with every meal or else I'll cry (˶◕︿◕˶✿)
May the Munchies
never stop me 
Bodychecks shall be dumped here but also I have a 
body check thread here (˶◕‿◕˶✿) ☆wiped out of existence cuz doxx
Food photos make up this thread in its entirety ☆not anymore sorry
STATS & GOALS
(will be updated as I reach the goals)
Height: 164cm
CW: 46kg (BMI 17) 03/10/2020
HW: 65kg (BMI 23-24)
LW: 40.5kg (BMI 14.9)
UGW: 37kg (BMI 14)
I'll try to keep posted once a day! ☆not anymore lol
You can also follow me on MyFitnessPal @ KittenPurrincess (˶◕‿◕˶) ☆don't use it anymore but follow me on IG (msg me for my @)
Say hello! I love making new friends
(๑＞ڡ＜)☆
I got to my LW on this accountability but since May 2018 till April 2019 I'd gained so much weight due to extreme hunger/ reactive bingeing.
☆ 2020 October Update ☆
underweight again (BMI17), unappetised, ED on the backburner, substance abuse, comfort in trauma, healing and happy ♡
Some info I'm Vegan Sedentary AF High Restriction, aiming to keep it under 1,200kcal a day. Gotta keep functioning at work and keep my boyfriend off my case after all(๑ ＞ڡ＜ )☆
Have to have a piece of non-starchy fruit or veg with every meal or else I'll cry (˶◕︿◕˶✿) May the Munchies never stop me Bodychecks shall be dumped here but also I have a body check thread here (˶◕‿◕˶✿) ☆wiped out of existence cuz doxx Food photos make up this thread in its entirety ☆not anymore sorrySTATS & GOALS(will be updated as I reach the goals)
Height: 164cmCW: 46kg (BMI 17) 03/10/2020HW: 65kg (BMI 23-24)LW: 40.5kg (BMI 14.9)UGW: 37kg (BMI 14) I'll try to keep posted once a day! ☆not anymore lolYou can also follow me on MyFitnessPal @ KittenPurrincess (˶◕‿◕˶) ☆don't use it anymore but follow me on IG (msg me for my @)Say hello! I love making new friends(๑＞ڡ＜)☆
- You, atrociousastrid, sedative and 11 others like this
- Unlike
#2
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 10 December 2017 - 02:50 PM
OK so today's intake was...
Breakfast
15g porridge with 15g soy protein powder, cooked with water and 0 cal S'mores syrup
140g Golden Delicious apple
Big mug of golden roast coffee with 0 cal Maple Bourbon Pecan syrup
= 187kcal
Since I ended up having breakfast at 1:30pm cause I put it off too long, I ended up skipping lunch ٩(๑> ₃ < )۶ .
Dinner
210g (half) a sweet potato, cooked in my best friend the microwave
Salad consisting of: 80g leaves, 140g cucumber and 130g plum tomatoes (my fave kind!!)
= 270kcal
I inhaled my dinner before I had the change to snap a photo but let me tell you it was more delicious than it probably looked!!
Immediately after dinner I scoffed 4 pots of Hartley's no added sugar jelly and ate the remainder 40g of my dates. (137kcal)
I love dates but good thing they're gone now so I can't binge on them!
Total: 594/800
Still have 200kcal to spend if I so fancy, but its late so I doubt I'll eat any more tonight. If I do I'll definitely update it here!
Its back to work tomorrow
I've got a long hard pre-Christmas week ahead of me, so not looking forward to it (˶◕︿◕˶✿)
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
Breakfast15g porridge with 15g soy protein powder, cooked with water and 0 cal S'mores syrup140g Golden Delicious appleBig mug of golden roast coffee with 0 cal Maple Bourbon Pecan syrup= 187kcal
Since I ended up having breakfast at 1:30pm cause I put it off too long, I ended up skipping lunch ٩(๑> ₃ < )۶ .
Dinner210g (half) a sweet potato, cooked in my best friend the microwaveSalad consisting of: 80g leaves, 140g cucumber and 130g plum tomatoes (my fave kind!!)= 270kcal
I inhaled my dinner before I had the change to snap a photo but let me tell you it was more delicious than it probably looked!!
Immediately after dinner I scoffed 4 pots of Hartley's no added sugar jelly and ate the remainder 40g of my dates. (137kcal)
I love dates but good thing they're gone now so I can't binge on them!
Total: 594/800Still have 200kcal to spend if I so fancy, but its late so I doubt I'll eat any more tonight. If I do I'll definitely update it here!
Its back to work tomorrow
I've got a long hard pre-Christmas week ahead of me, so not looking forward to it (˶◕︿◕˶✿)Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
- DuckyShincracker, and SpringSickness like this
- Like This
#3
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 11 December 2017 - 09:22 AM
Weighed in this morning at...
94lbs
It's probably food/water weight considering I had no sodium yesterday and only ate 600kcal. But it feels so good!
Some leg checks since I'm obsessed with hating them...
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
94lbsIt's probably food/water weight considering I had no sodium yesterday and only ate 600kcal. But it feels so good!
Some leg checks since I'm obsessed with hating them...
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
- Winterhonig and Kaya Chan like this
- Like This
#4
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 11 December 2017 - 04:01 PM
Today's intake:
Breakfast
15g/15g soy protein porridge and 145g apple eaten on the bus so no photo!
=189kcal
Lunch
Tomato bouillon with 30g soya chunks and 200g of carrot sticks
=225kcal
Dinner
Hot bowl of chopped tomatoes with 150g frozen veg mix and 20g soya protein mince topped with 20g vegan red cheddar. Also had a slice of vegan deli.
=322kcal
This is my fave comfort dinner food. Usually I have it without cheese but I need to use it up..
Also vegan
chocolate advent for dessert! 2 days worth for skipping yesterday.
Total: 801/800
Burned: 160
Net: 641
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
Breakfast15g/15g soy protein porridge and 145g apple eaten on the bus so no photo!
=189kcal
LunchTomato bouillon with 30g soya chunks and 200g of carrot sticks
=225kcal
DinnerHot bowl of chopped tomatoes with 150g frozen veg mix and 20g soya protein mince topped with 20g vegan red cheddar. Also had a slice of vegan deli.
=322kcal
This is my fave comfort dinner food. Usually I have it without cheese but I need to use it up..
Also vegan
chocolate advent for dessert! 2 days worth for skipping yesterday.Total: 801/800Burned: 160Net: 641Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
- shadow_economy, DuckyShincracker and SpringSickness like this
- Like This
#5
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 12 December 2017 - 03:37 AM
Why am I being forced to see an ED specialist when I'm still so fat? At least let me get nice thin legs before worrying about me....
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
- Feengirl, ʟʏᴄʜᴇᴇ, Winterhonig and 1 other like this
- Like This
#6
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 12 December 2017 - 04:46 PM
Today's intake:
Breakfast
My usual protein porridge and apple
=187kcal
Skipped lunch since I was working and loaded on sudafed and caffeine.
Dinner
Tenderstem broccoli and butternut squash stir fried with tofu in teriyaki sauce mmhmm it was so good! I didn't realise until I almost finished eating that I hadn't snapped a photo sorry!
=351kcal
Snackeroonies!!!
Had the daily chocolate advent (˶◕‿◕˶✿)
Also boyfriend got some baked fruit so we shared the two packets, it was a nice treat after a hard day (been up since 5am!)
And some jelly to curb my munchies
=169kcal
Total: 707/800
Burned: 191
Net: 516
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
BreakfastMy usual protein porridge and apple
=187kcal
Skipped lunch since I was working and loaded on sudafed and caffeine.
DinnerTenderstem broccoli and butternut squash stir fried with tofu in teriyaki sauce mmhmm it was so good! I didn't realise until I almost finished eating that I hadn't snapped a photo sorry!
=351kcal
Snackeroonies!!!Had the daily chocolate advent (˶◕‿◕˶✿)
Also boyfriend got some baked fruit so we shared the two packets, it was a nice treat after a hard day (been up since 5am!)
And some jelly to curb my munchies
=169kcal
Total: 707/800Burned: 191Net: 516Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
- DuckyShincracker and SpringSickness like this
- Like This
#7
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 13 December 2017 - 03:43 PM
Weighed myself this morning at 
92.8lbs 
it's probably due to the fact that I skipped lunch yesterday so its only food weight but still I was over the moon!!
Breakfast
Felt adventurous this morning so instead of my regular brekkie I had a banana
with chocolate PBfit and my usual apple .
=211kcal
Lunch
For lunch I had some carrots and my fave plum tomatoes, and some mushroom bouillon with soya chunks for the protein kick!
=228kcal
Dinner
I finished work really late today and had to go to my dad's after so I grabbed a falafel wrap from Tesco's to eat on the tube. I didn't get a chance to eat it though until I got to my dad's, and boy am I glad I didn't!
I weighed the wraps and checked against the calorie content and it was a whopping 150kcal more than the packaging said! Still ate it though because it cost £3 and I hate wasting food, but it did put me over my limit...
Cherry Pepsi max is my fave
=495kcal
Total: 949/800
Burned: 159
Net: 790
Luckily I've still netted under limit despite the super calorific wrap. Never trust prepared food!!
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
92.8lbs it's probably due to the fact that I skipped lunch yesterday so its only food weight but still I was over the moon!!BreakfastFelt adventurous this morning so instead of my regular brekkie I had a banana
with chocolate PBfit and my usual apple .=211kcal
LunchFor lunch I had some carrots and my fave plum tomatoes, and some mushroom bouillon with soya chunks for the protein kick!
=228kcal
DinnerI finished work really late today and had to go to my dad's after so I grabbed a falafel wrap from Tesco's to eat on the tube. I didn't get a chance to eat it though until I got to my dad's, and boy am I glad I didn't!
I weighed the wraps and checked against the calorie content and it was a whopping 150kcal more than the packaging said! Still ate it though because it cost £3 and I hate wasting food, but it did put me over my limit...
Cherry Pepsi max is my fave
=495kcal
Total: 949/800Burned: 159Net: 790Luckily I've still netted under limit despite the super calorific wrap. Never trust prepared food!!
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
- ʟʏᴄʜᴇᴇ, DuckyShincracker and herringgull like this
- Like This
#8
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 14 December 2017 - 03:56 AM
Weigh in: 93lbs :/
Up by 0.2lbs but these kind of fluctuations are negligible (though they do irk me ugh)
Leg check in my fave skinny jeans feat. a room so filthy it had to be censored by mosaics (˶◕‿◕˶✿)
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
Up by 0.2lbs but these kind of fluctuations are negligible (though they do irk me ugh)
Leg check in my fave skinny jeans feat. a room so filthy it had to be censored by mosaics (˶◕‿◕˶✿)
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
- likes this
- Like This
#9
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 14 December 2017 - 01:24 PM
Foods of the day!!
Breakfast
Peanut Power TREK bar, on the go. It was so good despite being 203kcal.
Didn't really have lunch but had an apple and some jelly as a pre-dinner snack.
=90kcal
Dinner
Microwaved some frozen veggies with vegan quorn BBQ strips and Thai sweet chilli sauce, mhmm! Also unpictured because I'm a lightning fast eater was an oatcake with brown rice miso and 4 slices of vegan deli.
=354kcal
Snackeroos
More baked fruit shared between my boyfriend and I (˶◕‿◕˶✿)
And two days worth of chocolate advent ٩(๑> ₃ < )۶
=150kcal
Total: 830/800
Burned: 138
Net: 692
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
BreakfastPeanut Power TREK bar, on the go. It was so good despite being 203kcal.
Didn't really have lunch but had an apple and some jelly as a pre-dinner snack.
=90kcal
DinnerMicrowaved some frozen veggies with vegan quorn BBQ strips and Thai sweet chilli sauce, mhmm! Also unpictured because I'm a lightning fast eater was an oatcake with brown rice miso and 4 slices of vegan deli.
=354kcal
SnackeroosMore baked fruit shared between my boyfriend and I (˶◕‿◕˶✿)
And two days worth of chocolate advent ٩(๑> ₃ < )۶
=150kcal
Total: 830/800Burned: 138Net: 692Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
#10
- Members
- 124 posts
Warrior
- LocationCentral Fairyland, locked away in a land of daydreams 💍💞
Posted 14 December 2017 - 01:29 PM
Woaaaah this accountability is literally as priceless as the Crown Jewels, hun I am in looooove <33
- Adespota, an_empty_eternity, KittenPurrincess and 2 others like this
- Like This
#11
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 14 December 2017 - 02:08 PM
Coconut Sponge, on 14 Dec 2017 - 1:29 PM, said:
Aww thank you, I'm glad you appreciate it!!Woaaaah this accountability is literally as priceless as the Crown Jewels, hun I am in looooove <33
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
- Coconut Sponge likes this
- Like This
#12
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 14 December 2017 - 02:21 PM
xPandax, on 14 Dec 2017 - 1:24 PM, said:
Foods of the day!!
Peanut Power TREK bar, on the go. It was so good despite being 203kcal.
Didn't really have lunch but had an apple and some jelly as a pre-dinner snack.
=90kcal
Microwaved some frozen veggies with vegan quorn BBQ strips and Thai sweet chilli sauce, mhmm! Also unpictured because I'm a lightning fast eater was an oatcake with brown rice miso and 4 slices of vegan deli.
=354kcal
More baked fruit shared between my boyfriend and I (˶◕‿◕˶✿)
And two days worth of chocolate advent ٩(๑> ₃ < )۶
=150kcal
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
UpdateHad a PBfit rice wrap as the munchies have taken over
+125kcal
Total: 955/800Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
#13
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 14 December 2017 - 05:02 PM
xPandax, on 14 Dec 2017 - 2:21 PM, said:
Had a PBfit rice wrap as the munchies have taken over
+125kcal
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
Yet another alertBinged my way up to 1,770kcal on fruits, oatcakes, wraps, PBfit, jelly and syrup
I'm so upset with myself
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
#14
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 15 December 2017 - 01:06 PM
Exhausting day at work 
did the morning shift which meant i only had my breakfast on my lunch break at 12pm. Although I did impulse-buy an apple snack pack at 7am when buying water because I was still hungry from last nights binge. At least I opted for the apple and not a breakfast bar which was what I really craved.
Breakfast
Protein porridge and an apple, plus the apple from the morning
=245kcal
No photo because I was super hungry!!! Omnomnom (˶◕‿◕˶✿)
Skipped lunch because I was working until 4:30pm, and only got home to my dad's at 6pm. I was way too tired to cook or eat so I had a mini nap.
Dinner
Steamed broccoli florets with sweet chilli sauce (plus cheeky raw broccoli stems with sweet chilli while waiting for the florets to cook)
=196kcal
Also ate a pot of jelly and lotsa gum to keep myself going.
Will probably have my chocolate advent tonight too but I'll update when I do!
Total: 471/800
Burned: 193
Net: 278
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
did the morning shift which meant i only had my breakfast on my lunch break at 12pm. Although I did impulse-buy an apple snack pack at 7am when buying water because I was still hungry from last nights binge. At least I opted for the apple and not a breakfast bar which was what I really craved.BreakfastProtein porridge and an apple, plus the apple from the morning
=245kcal
No photo because I was super hungry!!! Omnomnom (˶◕‿◕˶✿)
Skipped lunch because I was working until 4:30pm, and only got home to my dad's at 6pm. I was way too tired to cook or eat so I had a mini nap.
DinnerSteamed broccoli florets with sweet chilli sauce (plus cheeky raw broccoli stems with sweet chilli while waiting for the florets to cook)
=196kcal
Also ate a pot of jelly and lotsa gum to keep myself going.
Will probably have my chocolate advent tonight too but I'll update when I do!
Total: 471/800Burned: 193Net: 278Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
#15
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 16 December 2017 - 10:38 AM
Weighed in at 92.4lbs this morning!! So close but still so far. I bet its just water/food weight, I've been peeing a lot and ate very little yesterday.
Either way, it makes me happy that my weight is lower while my life is super stressful. Its comforting.
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
92.4lbs this morning!! So close but still so far. I bet its just water/food weight, I've been peeing a lot and ate very little yesterday.Either way, it makes me happy that my weight is lower while my life is super stressful. Its comforting.
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
- Winterhonig and Coconut Sponge like this
- Like This
#16
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 17 December 2017 - 05:11 AM
Yesterday's intakeBreakfastGrazed on some bloobs
and an apple while working overtime on my day off. It was manual labour
so I didn't mind much...
= 160kcal
LunchCarrot batons with white miso. I thought it was sweet white miso but it wasn't so it was too salty as a dip. Disappointed (˶◕︿◕˶✿)
=69kcal
DinnerCooked me some tofu in the oven with some awesome spices, it was soooo good! Also had some Mac and cheese made with konyakku pasta with yeast flakes. And a sauerkraut salad as a side which I ate the whole jar of!
=345kcal
SnaksuHad 2
advent chocolates since last night I skipped it.
Also my boyfriend got some vegan gummy bears and gummy cola bottles so I had a few pieces that he fed me.
And of course, lots of low cal jelly!
=149kcal
Total: 724/800Burned: 135Net: 589We watched the
Star Wars Christmas Special while high and it was the greatest experience, the film was so bad it was awesome, 10/10 would recommend.Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
- 💗 Muscle Barbie 💗 likes this
- Like This
#17
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 17 December 2017 - 08:14 AM
xpandarmx
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
- littlelisha, notadream, I'm a black rainbow and 2 others like this
- Like This
#18
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 18 December 2017 - 03:25 AM
Intake 17/12/17BreakfastProtein porridge and an apple
. The protein porridge was spiced with mischief might I add 
LunchMushrooms stir fried in teriyaki sauce, and veggies with ketchup.
DinnerSince it was me and my boyfriend's rare day off together, we had takeout Vietnamese. I had a peanut salad and satay tofu with peanut sauce mmhmm!!
Also unpictured I added more salad to finish the dressing and had carrot batons and 2 falafel to finish the peanut sauce.
Snacks
Had like 4 pots of jelly too...
And then...
BingeThe Munchies
have taken over.Binged on bread
with grape jelly
, an oatcake
with peanut butter and honey
, dry cornflakes, 90% of a massive bag of Spanish spiced nuts and other crunchies, an apple, and full sugar winter cordial
.Total intake = 3963kcal
According to my calculations for the week, I should have maintained my start weight so I'm expecting to be 94lbs again after the binge weight is gone sigh...
I always do this to myself. Lose weight, get so close to my LW, and then binge and gain it back..
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
- CutTheCals likes this
- Like This
#19
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 19 December 2017 - 02:38 AM
18/12/17Despite the binge, I won't try to compensate by eating less because it will set me up again.
BreakfastEaten on the bus was my regular protein porridge and an apple
.=189kcal
LunchThe kitchen was being cleaned so I only managed to grab a can of peas and carrot batons for my packed lunch.
Then I was still hungry and didn't want to binge so I went out and bought two packs of garbanzos, and ate them both...
=343kcal
DinnerGot home super late and had some exotic mushrooms
. I didn't cook them because I thought they were so super tasty raw so I just had them with tamari and teriyaki.
=96kcal
SnaxxxxHad my chocolate advent
, a few bites of vegan mince pie that my boyfriend insisted, and an apple.=231kcal
Total: 859/800Burned: 186Net: 673As we were falling asleep, my boyfriend said these words to me: "it makes me sad and anxious when you starve yourself..."
I want to make him happy and proud, that's why I eat lots with him. But I do need to lose this weight...
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
- ahahaha and Jacqueline_356 like this
- Like This
#20
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 20 December 2017 - 02:09 AM
19/12/17Work is hard and exhausting. Still scared to weigh myself until Thursday. Happy I ate under my limit today, though I felt so super sick it wasn't difficult at all. I hate the flu. But still I have to work.
Sent from my HUAWEI LYO-L21 using Tapatalk
Reply to this topic
♡ KittenPurrincess' Abyss ♡
Started by KittenPurrincess, Dec 10 2017 05:55 AM
Vegan Food pics 800kcal Mid restriction Stonerexic Rants Anime Blackpink Recovery Relapse1938 replies to this topic
#1921
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 16 June 2021 - 01:22 AM
Somehow got myself lewded yesterday. I was all right and fine sitting in my Darlings lap and getting sensual pets while waiting for Resident Evil 6 to load. but as soon as he asked "are you bleeding?" I replied no. So he lewded me for a hot minute which I felt nothing during, just emptiness. After he finished he made the effort to clean me up and noticed that I was still lightly spotting. What a shit fest. Luckily he gave me so so many cuddles and love.
I had to smoke a joint on our porch to process and cool down and stuff my tears before getting back into our game.
Later in the evening we were watching YouTube and got to the topic of his mental illness. He described it like a black dog following him everywhere, blocking his concentration with its everlasting and oppressing presence. I broke down crying because he described exactly what I was going through and it's shit that we both have to feel this way. He comforted me with many cuddles and reassured that despite his own issues, he is happy to comfort me and its not a burden on him. All we can do is help each other deal with these lifelong issues. That was very sweet. I will be okay.
I had to smoke a joint on our porch to process and cool down and stuff my tears before getting back into our game.
Later in the evening we were watching YouTube and got to the topic of his mental illness. He described it like a black dog following him everywhere, blocking his concentration with its everlasting and oppressing presence. I broke down crying because he described exactly what I was going through and it's shit that we both have to feel this way. He comforted me with many cuddles and reassured that despite his own issues, he is happy to comfort me and its not a burden on him. All we can do is help each other deal with these lifelong issues. That was very sweet. I will be okay.
♡I'm Legendary, all Legs, no Dairy, and this is My Diary♡
#1922
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 16 June 2021 - 05:41 AM
Weight today: 43.7kg
Yes!!!!!! Finally back in my comfy range. And that was after 2 coffees and running errands.
This morning it was hard leaving my bed to get to my job interview as my Darlings cuddles were very cosy.
I did my appointments and managed to hit my step goal but spent way too much money on transport. I got offered the job but I'll wait until Friday to hear from my first choice whether I got that job before committing.
The rest of the day shall be spent on drugs and having fun with my boys. I think I've missed my chance to have breakfast as its 1.40pm but I'm probably gonna go eat my porridge while my Darling is playing games with his friends.
Yes!!!!!! Finally back in my comfy range. And that was after 2 coffees and running errands.
This morning it was hard leaving my bed to get to my job interview as my Darlings cuddles were very cosy.
I did my appointments and managed to hit my step goal but spent way too much money on transport. I got offered the job but I'll wait until Friday to hear from my first choice whether I got that job before committing.
The rest of the day shall be spent on drugs and having fun with my boys. I think I've missed my chance to have breakfast as its 1.40pm but I'm probably gonna go eat my porridge while my Darling is playing games with his friends.
♡I'm Legendary, all Legs, no Dairy, and this is My Diary♡
#1923
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 16 June 2021 - 05:42 AM
- Matsurika and Winterhonig like this
- Like This
#1924
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 17 June 2021 - 05:50 AM
Tales from the Ecckielon.
So yesterday after my porridge, my Darling cooked us lunch. It was vegan steak and corn on the cob for me, he had the same plus chips and a vegan pork bao bun, I had a bite of the bun and a few chips off him though. I was being brave thinking I would just have a safe dinner to minimise the anxiety.
I took my rockstar pill for the first time since a long time and didn't really feel the effects at first. I didn't mind because it gave me an overall feeling of peace if nothing else. My Darling made us a really tasty and foamy pina colada pitcher to share over the evening while we watched Austin Powers. He was contemplating Daddy John's pizza for dinner and I agreed, because I wanted to keep the good times going.
We ordered 2 vegan pizzas, one with cheesy stuffed crust at that. We also ordered cinnamon scrolls for dessert. It's a tempting devil, Daddy John's is, because their vegan range spoils me. I ate 3 slices of each pizza, so 6 total I believe.
So let's talk about Austin Powers. I didn't expect the film to be so sexual? It was triggering at times, but I really tried to understand why such a light hearted comedy would make me feel that way. The pill is great for introspection. The film was really fun and playful but my baggage caused me to focus on the sexual jokes because of my own insecurity and the pressure I put on myself. I was always wondering, is all the innuendos and visual euphemisms meant to "make you horny?" To quote Mr Powers himself. Does it make my Darling horny? Does it just prove to him how abnormal and disgusting I am that I can't relate to feeling positive about sex?
After the film ended I thought I did really well not making confused comments or crying or saying anything bad. But a few moments later while watching YouTube and smoking a doob, I started silently crying. He didn't notice. I laid down and had a massive Downward Spiral. Of course the pill fully kicked in by this point, meaning that any mindset I was in I would feel it tenfold. Which is why this is a good pill for when I'm feeling brave sexually, but not so good when I'm thinking bad thoughts.
When I was spiralling, still in silence, I thought to myself, I really wanted to materialise some kind of god, to give me guidance or remove these defects from my body and mind. The tears in my eyes dancing with the twinkling of the light, while experiencing the wavy acid effect, looked kaleidoscopic like stained glass eyes and colourful tears
. I caught myself there, reminded myself that there is no god, and I am truly forsaken. So I accepted this fact, and decided that since I'm forsaken, I might as well be dead. I am already dead, or halfway there. So let's live like I'm not even alive. I'm a zombie, anything good that happens to me comes as a bonus. My baseline is blank. My baseline is inhuman.
And I realised I was doing this to myself. Or rather, my brain, who is the true executioner, is making me think its all on me. Which it is. Because the brain is part of me. Not once did my Darling mention anything that I'm anxious about. He's not the one telling me I'm not enough. I'm the one who assumes this based only on my bad thoughts. He was so good to me. And here I am crying. Didn't I want to be brave with sex today? How is crying about it going to make anyone want to do it? Not me that's for sure. Self pressure again, since my Darling not once asked for it today.
Okay so I tried to dry my tears and get over it, when my Darling noticed. I just said I was spiralling and the pill is just going to exaggerate my mindset so I just want to get over it and move on. I feel like I've had a breakthrough, which is good, even if the pill didn't make me feel brave sexually, it did have the therapeutic effect of talking with my higher self and figuring this out.
Yes, I'm upset about eating 6 slices of fatty pizza and like 7 maybe cinnamon scrolls with lots of gooey icing and ice cream. But once again, I lost my bloat weight quickly after last time, and I will lose it again. At least all that bread was tasty.
If anything, this experience gave me extra things to ponder about. If only I had the money to pay a therapist...
So yesterday after my porridge, my Darling cooked us lunch. It was vegan steak and corn on the cob for me, he had the same plus chips and a vegan pork bao bun, I had a bite of the bun and a few chips off him though. I was being brave thinking I would just have a safe dinner to minimise the anxiety.
I took my rockstar pill for the first time since a long time and didn't really feel the effects at first. I didn't mind because it gave me an overall feeling of peace if nothing else. My Darling made us a really tasty and foamy pina colada pitcher to share over the evening while we watched Austin Powers. He was contemplating Daddy John's pizza for dinner and I agreed, because I wanted to keep the good times going.
We ordered 2 vegan pizzas, one with cheesy stuffed crust at that. We also ordered cinnamon scrolls for dessert. It's a tempting devil, Daddy John's is, because their vegan range spoils me. I ate 3 slices of each pizza, so 6 total I believe.
So let's talk about Austin Powers. I didn't expect the film to be so sexual? It was triggering at times, but I really tried to understand why such a light hearted comedy would make me feel that way. The pill is great for introspection. The film was really fun and playful but my baggage caused me to focus on the sexual jokes because of my own insecurity and the pressure I put on myself. I was always wondering, is all the innuendos and visual euphemisms meant to "make you horny?" To quote Mr Powers himself. Does it make my Darling horny? Does it just prove to him how abnormal and disgusting I am that I can't relate to feeling positive about sex?
After the film ended I thought I did really well not making confused comments or crying or saying anything bad. But a few moments later while watching YouTube and smoking a doob, I started silently crying. He didn't notice. I laid down and had a massive Downward Spiral. Of course the pill fully kicked in by this point, meaning that any mindset I was in I would feel it tenfold. Which is why this is a good pill for when I'm feeling brave sexually, but not so good when I'm thinking bad thoughts.
When I was spiralling, still in silence, I thought to myself, I really wanted to materialise some kind of god, to give me guidance or remove these defects from my body and mind. The tears in my eyes dancing with the twinkling of the light, while experiencing the wavy acid effect, looked kaleidoscopic like stained glass eyes and colourful tears
. I caught myself there, reminded myself that there is no god, and I am truly forsaken. So I accepted this fact, and decided that since I'm forsaken, I might as well be dead. I am already dead, or halfway there. So let's live like I'm not even alive. I'm a zombie, anything good that happens to me comes as a bonus. My baseline is blank. My baseline is inhuman.And I realised I was doing this to myself. Or rather, my brain, who is the true executioner, is making me think its all on me. Which it is. Because the brain is part of me. Not once did my Darling mention anything that I'm anxious about. He's not the one telling me I'm not enough. I'm the one who assumes this based only on my bad thoughts. He was so good to me. And here I am crying. Didn't I want to be brave with sex today? How is crying about it going to make anyone want to do it? Not me that's for sure. Self pressure again, since my Darling not once asked for it today.
Okay so I tried to dry my tears and get over it, when my Darling noticed. I just said I was spiralling and the pill is just going to exaggerate my mindset so I just want to get over it and move on. I feel like I've had a breakthrough, which is good, even if the pill didn't make me feel brave sexually, it did have the therapeutic effect of talking with my higher self and figuring this out.
Yes, I'm upset about eating 6 slices of fatty pizza and like 7 maybe cinnamon scrolls with lots of gooey icing and ice cream. But once again, I lost my bloat weight quickly after last time, and I will lose it again. At least all that bread was tasty.
If anything, this experience gave me extra things to ponder about. If only I had the money to pay a therapist...
♡I'm Legendary, all Legs, no Dairy, and this is My Diary♡
#1925
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 18 June 2021 - 03:19 AM
Yesterday.
My Darling and I did some gardening in our front yard. It was really fun to work the buzz saw on the hedges. I felt like a Girl Und Machina hahaha.
After lunch we were chilling and cuddling and at some point I was getting nice pets when my Darling said I should roll us a fat one. He's not meant to be smoking because his health is really affected by inhaling smoke but he wanted to "for a special occasion." Yall know what that means.
It was nice to get love cuddles and smooches and pets and he even brought down a couple of toys to make sure I had a good time. I didn't regret it. I enjoyed it in my own way. But I didn't feel what I was meant to. In the end, despite having a good time, I ended up crying because my body wasn't cooperating. But my Darling reassured me that he loves me and he took care of me with cuddles and closeness afterwards which is very important and made all the difference.
I just felt like I tried really hard and was being brave and open minded, only for my body to not be on board. I even meditated a bit in my head to upkeep "the mood" but my body just didn't care. Better luck next time maybe. I wish I could take viagra.
I'm any case, we had dinner and after dinner I kept smoking and snacking. I was meant to go up to bed with my Darling to read before sleep but I was naughty.
This is the list of shit I ate:
Breakfast: 300g soygurt with stevia and raspberries, and vegan actimel
Lunch: wakame seaweed salad and small serving of chilli beans
Dinner: tomato and garlic couscous and 2 pieces of roasted potatoes
Snacks: apple, banana, 3 Plums, 2 alpro go on quark pots
Binge: ice cream and 2 bowls of fruit n fibre cereal, plus sugar free sweets and pop corn
Total calories about 3,000kcal give or take.
Feeling shit about it but also feeling the cereal stimulate my digestion so that's probably the shit I'm feeling hahaha
My Darling and I did some gardening in our front yard. It was really fun to work the buzz saw on the hedges. I felt like a Girl Und Machina hahaha.
After lunch we were chilling and cuddling and at some point I was getting nice pets when my Darling said I should roll us a fat one. He's not meant to be smoking because his health is really affected by inhaling smoke but he wanted to "for a special occasion." Yall know what that means.
It was nice to get love cuddles and smooches and pets and he even brought down a couple of toys to make sure I had a good time. I didn't regret it. I enjoyed it in my own way. But I didn't feel what I was meant to. In the end, despite having a good time, I ended up crying because my body wasn't cooperating. But my Darling reassured me that he loves me and he took care of me with cuddles and closeness afterwards which is very important and made all the difference.
I just felt like I tried really hard and was being brave and open minded, only for my body to not be on board. I even meditated a bit in my head to upkeep "the mood" but my body just didn't care. Better luck next time maybe. I wish I could take viagra.
I'm any case, we had dinner and after dinner I kept smoking and snacking. I was meant to go up to bed with my Darling to read before sleep but I was naughty.
This is the list of shit I ate:
Breakfast: 300g soygurt with stevia and raspberries, and vegan actimel
Lunch: wakame seaweed salad and small serving of chilli beans
Dinner: tomato and garlic couscous and 2 pieces of roasted potatoes
Snacks: apple, banana, 3 Plums, 2 alpro go on quark pots
Binge: ice cream and 2 bowls of fruit n fibre cereal, plus sugar free sweets and pop corn
Total calories about 3,000kcal give or take.
Feeling shit about it but also feeling the cereal stimulate my digestion so that's probably the shit I'm feeling hahaha
♡I'm Legendary, all Legs, no Dairy, and this is My Diary♡
#1926
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 18 June 2021 - 10:24 AM
Went out for lunch and dessert with my Darling and his friend. Feeling fat.
♡I'm Legendary, all Legs, no Dairy, and this is My Diary♡
#1927
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 19 June 2021 - 09:20 AM
Weight today: 44.7kg
1kg up from norm but I'll try to not cry about it. After all, the whole point of getting skinny is to enjoy these feasts without becoming obese. I've maintained my BMI in the 16s for over 6 months despite having panic days of non stop bingeing followed by some days of restriction to land me where I am.
At least my waist is 22inch
.
.
Today my Darling and I made seitan from scratch. It was super fun! We made air fried chicken in our oven without any oil and it was delicious!
.
I'm going to take mandy once my food has digested a bit to avoid throwing up, to avoid eating later today and chill out. Might attempt intimacy with my Darling as lately I've been trying to be more brave with giving him cuddles and kisses without worrying whether it will lead to sex or whether I'm in his personal space. Baby steps.
1kg up from norm but I'll try to not cry about it. After all, the whole point of getting skinny is to enjoy these feasts without becoming obese. I've maintained my BMI in the 16s for over 6 months despite having panic days of non stop bingeing followed by some days of restriction to land me where I am.
At least my waist is 22inch
.
.
Today my Darling and I made seitan from scratch. It was super fun! We made air fried chicken in our oven without any oil and it was delicious!
.
I'm going to take mandy once my food has digested a bit to avoid throwing up, to avoid eating later today and chill out. Might attempt intimacy with my Darling as lately I've been trying to be more brave with giving him cuddles and kisses without worrying whether it will lead to sex or whether I'm in his personal space. Baby steps.
♡I'm Legendary, all Legs, no Dairy, and this is My Diary♡
#1928
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 21 June 2021 - 11:02 AM
Weight today: 43.9kg
Bmi: 16.4?
I'm glad my weight is in my feel okay range.
I've got good news today; I got the job I wanted! Very excited to start working and earning coin.
Really anxious about my appointment tomorrow at the sex clinic to get my coil fitted. My Darling asked me to let him know how he can support me but of course he won't be coming with me because he can't wake up in an appropriate time. But I hope he will be there for me emotionally when I get home. I'll take Blushie with me; she is my bunny cuddly backpack, my emotional support animal.
Yesterday, Sunday. I took my pill I didn't take the day before, thinking I could repeat what happened yesterday but make it right and experience it properly with the aid of psychotropics. Unfortunately my trip was ruined with loads of external stressors that threw me into a downward spiral. Set and setting is important, and both times when I took the pill this week I've had stressors send me spiralling and ended up not having the desired effect.
However in the evening my Darling and I were splitting a 4Loco which was delicious and sneakily alcoholic. I haven't drank in ages and it hit me nicely. The alcohol made me feel really good especially after the spiral. I even wanted more alcohol because I felt like it would help me achieve the goal that the pill didn't. I wanted to try having sex because being drunk sometimes helped me in the past. However that feeling was weak and fleeting. It didn't go anywhere. Whatever.
I'm exhausted. I'm so tired of feeling stressed all the time. Not only do I have external stressor which come and go and can be resolved and did end up getting fixed in the end. But to pile all that on onto my daily stress of living life in my broken body with mental illness and emotional dysfunction.
Even my driving lessons are getting affected. When I make a mistake that my driving instructor makes me aware of, my brain goes into panic mode and frazzles and goes blank and I can't answer a simple question. I almost cried at my lesson today but managed to maintain composure because I know that I'll keep making mistakes when I'm stressed. Now I know why they say you should never drive when emotions are high. Looks like I'll never drive then; my BPD and anxiety go hand in hand.
I'd love to go on anti-anxiety meds but idk if they will affect my ability to operate motor vehicles. Plus I'd have to talk to my GP and get into therapy first. So much shit to do. I'm tired. I wish I believed in god so I could feel like the sky daddy is looking after me and I can just pray to him and he will make everything okay. But I know too much to believe in magic. Ignorance truly is bliss.
I wish I was a child. When I was a child my emotional needs were never met and so I was set up from the get go to be suffering for the rest of my life. But I wish I was a child, not having to deal with all the problems I have right now, and have someone always drop everything and run to comfort me until I felt better, and protect me from the world, and teach me how to self soothe and how to be okay, and listen to me and believe me when I say I am hurt. Something I haven't experienced when I was young. Something I will never be able to relearn.
My attachment style has been fucked since I was an infant. My mum tells a funny story of when I was still crib-bound, I developed some kind of respiratory sickness which I had healed from. When I coughed, my parents would run to me to see if I was choking or dying. So when my parents were preoccupied with other family or friends or guests, I would start coughing despite being healthy because I needed their attention and care. From infancy, I made the subconscious connection between sickness and receiving care. This is why I have my ED and self harm. This is why I have BPD. I'm hurting myself for attention. But my attachment style developed to result in not asking for help or comfort when I need it, and not being able to calm down or be comforted when I finally receive it.
My parents fucked up in the crucial time of child development. And now I'm fucked. And I can't blame them, my mum had too many kids too young, and my dad had to work abroad to afford to raise us three. And raised we were, clothed and fed, with a roof over out heads. But emotionally and psychologically my upbringing was severely lacking. Not to mention the physical abuse we call in my family "punishment and discipline" lest the word "abuse" was ever used in relation to my parents. But that's how they were raised, too.
What is normal? I used to think it was abnormal when my friends had parents who loved each other and loved their child and actually cared to give their child respect and a good quality of life. I used to think that a good upbringing was strange and resulted in kids being spoilt. I was just jealous.
Off my chest. I'm done. I'm frazzled.
Bmi: 16.4?
I'm glad my weight is in my feel okay range.
I've got good news today; I got the job I wanted! Very excited to start working and earning coin.
Really anxious about my appointment tomorrow at the sex clinic to get my coil fitted. My Darling asked me to let him know how he can support me but of course he won't be coming with me because he can't wake up in an appropriate time. But I hope he will be there for me emotionally when I get home. I'll take Blushie with me; she is my bunny cuddly backpack, my emotional support animal.
Spoiler
Yesterday, Sunday. I took my pill I didn't take the day before, thinking I could repeat what happened yesterday but make it right and experience it properly with the aid of psychotropics. Unfortunately my trip was ruined with loads of external stressors that threw me into a downward spiral. Set and setting is important, and both times when I took the pill this week I've had stressors send me spiralling and ended up not having the desired effect.
However in the evening my Darling and I were splitting a 4Loco which was delicious and sneakily alcoholic. I haven't drank in ages and it hit me nicely. The alcohol made me feel really good especially after the spiral. I even wanted more alcohol because I felt like it would help me achieve the goal that the pill didn't. I wanted to try having sex because being drunk sometimes helped me in the past. However that feeling was weak and fleeting. It didn't go anywhere. Whatever.
I'm exhausted. I'm so tired of feeling stressed all the time. Not only do I have external stressor which come and go and can be resolved and did end up getting fixed in the end. But to pile all that on onto my daily stress of living life in my broken body with mental illness and emotional dysfunction.
Even my driving lessons are getting affected. When I make a mistake that my driving instructor makes me aware of, my brain goes into panic mode and frazzles and goes blank and I can't answer a simple question. I almost cried at my lesson today but managed to maintain composure because I know that I'll keep making mistakes when I'm stressed. Now I know why they say you should never drive when emotions are high. Looks like I'll never drive then; my BPD and anxiety go hand in hand.
I'd love to go on anti-anxiety meds but idk if they will affect my ability to operate motor vehicles. Plus I'd have to talk to my GP and get into therapy first. So much shit to do. I'm tired. I wish I believed in god so I could feel like the sky daddy is looking after me and I can just pray to him and he will make everything okay. But I know too much to believe in magic. Ignorance truly is bliss.
I wish I was a child. When I was a child my emotional needs were never met and so I was set up from the get go to be suffering for the rest of my life. But I wish I was a child, not having to deal with all the problems I have right now, and have someone always drop everything and run to comfort me until I felt better, and protect me from the world, and teach me how to self soothe and how to be okay, and listen to me and believe me when I say I am hurt. Something I haven't experienced when I was young. Something I will never be able to relearn.
My attachment style has been fucked since I was an infant. My mum tells a funny story of when I was still crib-bound, I developed some kind of respiratory sickness which I had healed from. When I coughed, my parents would run to me to see if I was choking or dying. So when my parents were preoccupied with other family or friends or guests, I would start coughing despite being healthy because I needed their attention and care. From infancy, I made the subconscious connection between sickness and receiving care. This is why I have my ED and self harm. This is why I have BPD. I'm hurting myself for attention. But my attachment style developed to result in not asking for help or comfort when I need it, and not being able to calm down or be comforted when I finally receive it.
My parents fucked up in the crucial time of child development. And now I'm fucked. And I can't blame them, my mum had too many kids too young, and my dad had to work abroad to afford to raise us three. And raised we were, clothed and fed, with a roof over out heads. But emotionally and psychologically my upbringing was severely lacking. Not to mention the physical abuse we call in my family "punishment and discipline" lest the word "abuse" was ever used in relation to my parents. But that's how they were raised, too.
What is normal? I used to think it was abnormal when my friends had parents who loved each other and loved their child and actually cared to give their child respect and a good quality of life. I used to think that a good upbringing was strange and resulted in kids being spoilt. I was just jealous.
Off my chest. I'm done. I'm frazzled.
♡I'm Legendary, all Legs, no Dairy, and this is My Diary♡
#1929
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 22 June 2021 - 08:36 AM
Had my appointment at the clinic this morning to get my coil inserted. I was really nervous and scared. When I arrived at the clinic the nurse who ended up doing the procedure was staring at me because she thought I looked out of this world.
In the doctors office, this nurse was really lovely and kind. I always love the nurses at sex clinics, they are always so sweet and non judgemental and motherly. She asked me some routine questions, before asking "has anyone ever forced you to have sex against your will?" That's a tough question, I said. I'm the person who forces myself to have sex against my own will. She asked some follow up questions when I started tearing up. I told her about my sexual dysfunction and history of unwanted sex, and she was really understanding. She asked about domestic violence, current or past, and I laid my childhood upbringing on the table. I shed some tears. She said she would refer me to a psychosexual therapy but the waiting list may be long. I'm so glad she did that and helped me out.
She also asked about my diet, am I eating well? I hesitated but decided to be honest and told her I have an eating disorder, previously dx with AN but I have a mix of symptoms like bingeing and rarely purging. She told me that I seem like such an amazing person who radiates confidence but it seems like I'm not empowered in myself. She told me that I should stop thinking about others and start focusing on myself and do the things I want to do and say no to things I don't. Easier said that done.
The nurse explained the procedure I was about to undergo. She mentioned it will hurt and showed me all the whack equipment she was going to insert into me. It all looked so fucking scary. I didn't know you could open the cervix so wide, jesus. She said if at any point I want to stop, she will stop altogether and I don't have to do this. I took this all in and decided that she prepared me with enough information that I'm confident I can expect the worst. She told me to remove my bottoms and sit in the gynecologist chair which was whack.
Before starting the procedure she invited her colleague to stand by me and distract me and help me feel calm. It was a male nurse and despite fearing a male presence around my naked body, I was okay. He was really friendly and did a good job distracting me when the female nurse tore me open and I was in pain. The pain wasn't so bad, it felt like really really bad period cramps but I relaxed into the pain. I was cuddling my bunny backpack all throughout.
It was over before I knew it. The nurse said she was really proud of me and I did very well. Yes mummy praise me more I need this energy in my life. Sex clinic nurses are the best.
When I got home my Darling was actually going to play video games with his friends for a few hours which sorta hurt me because I thought he wanted to support me today? But I got over it and went into my room and did my own thing. I ordered some Buffalo shoes online which I needed for ages. I got the leather kind because they were just better quality than the vegan ones. It's always tough to decide between getting a shit shoe or paying the same for a quality one made from animal skin. I mean, its not like I hired someone to kill a cow for me and make the shoes. I bought them already made. Tbh idk why I'm trying to explain myself and justify my purchase. There is no such thing as ethical consumption. All I can do is what I can, personally. I don't judge others for wearing leather or eating animal products. I do my best to remain vegan in the areas that I can, but some things like a good pair of shoes I only buy once or twice a decade.
In the doctors office, this nurse was really lovely and kind. I always love the nurses at sex clinics, they are always so sweet and non judgemental and motherly. She asked me some routine questions, before asking "has anyone ever forced you to have sex against your will?" That's a tough question, I said. I'm the person who forces myself to have sex against my own will. She asked some follow up questions when I started tearing up. I told her about my sexual dysfunction and history of unwanted sex, and she was really understanding. She asked about domestic violence, current or past, and I laid my childhood upbringing on the table. I shed some tears. She said she would refer me to a psychosexual therapy but the waiting list may be long. I'm so glad she did that and helped me out.
She also asked about my diet, am I eating well? I hesitated but decided to be honest and told her I have an eating disorder, previously dx with AN but I have a mix of symptoms like bingeing and rarely purging. She told me that I seem like such an amazing person who radiates confidence but it seems like I'm not empowered in myself. She told me that I should stop thinking about others and start focusing on myself and do the things I want to do and say no to things I don't. Easier said that done.
The nurse explained the procedure I was about to undergo. She mentioned it will hurt and showed me all the whack equipment she was going to insert into me. It all looked so fucking scary. I didn't know you could open the cervix so wide, jesus. She said if at any point I want to stop, she will stop altogether and I don't have to do this. I took this all in and decided that she prepared me with enough information that I'm confident I can expect the worst. She told me to remove my bottoms and sit in the gynecologist chair which was whack.
Before starting the procedure she invited her colleague to stand by me and distract me and help me feel calm. It was a male nurse and despite fearing a male presence around my naked body, I was okay. He was really friendly and did a good job distracting me when the female nurse tore me open and I was in pain. The pain wasn't so bad, it felt like really really bad period cramps but I relaxed into the pain. I was cuddling my bunny backpack all throughout.
It was over before I knew it. The nurse said she was really proud of me and I did very well. Yes mummy praise me more I need this energy in my life. Sex clinic nurses are the best.
When I got home my Darling was actually going to play video games with his friends for a few hours which sorta hurt me because I thought he wanted to support me today? But I got over it and went into my room and did my own thing. I ordered some Buffalo shoes online which I needed for ages. I got the leather kind because they were just better quality than the vegan ones. It's always tough to decide between getting a shit shoe or paying the same for a quality one made from animal skin. I mean, its not like I hired someone to kill a cow for me and make the shoes. I bought them already made. Tbh idk why I'm trying to explain myself and justify my purchase. There is no such thing as ethical consumption. All I can do is what I can, personally. I don't judge others for wearing leather or eating animal products. I do my best to remain vegan in the areas that I can, but some things like a good pair of shoes I only buy once or twice a decade.
♡I'm Legendary, all Legs, no Dairy, and this is My Diary♡
#1930
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 23 June 2021 - 01:09 PM
Did very well not eating much today due to getting a tooth fixed and the dentist. I swear she must've put botox in my cheek cause I was lisping and smiling crooked as fuck! My whole right side of my lips and cheek was just frozen and I looked like I was having a stroke lol!
Having very faint cramps but no bleeding since having the coil procedure. My Darling asked me some questions regarding how sex is going to be affected by having this thing inside me and tbh I have no idea. If anyone is reading this and is on Kyleena or any other coil, does the penis need to wear a condom to avoid infection? Can he feel the threads slide down his urethra if going in bare? How rough can you go without displacing the coil or pushing it in too deep? How big can you fit in without harming the device? I am very confused.
Having very faint cramps but no bleeding since having the coil procedure. My Darling asked me some questions regarding how sex is going to be affected by having this thing inside me and tbh I have no idea. If anyone is reading this and is on Kyleena or any other coil, does the penis need to wear a condom to avoid infection? Can he feel the threads slide down his urethra if going in bare? How rough can you go without displacing the coil or pushing it in too deep? How big can you fit in without harming the device? I am very confused.
♡I'm Legendary, all Legs, no Dairy, and this is My Diary♡
#1931
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 01 July 2021 - 09:16 AM
So I'm officially employed now. My new colleagues are lovely people, though my social anxiety tells me everyone thinks I'm a bother which isn't true. I've had some company assigned training which felt quite like brainwashing haha but in a good way? Like they taught me how to take charge of my emotional responses to avoid bringing the team and customers down. It's a whole new template for my brain and my BPD. Rather than justifying why you're feeling negative and stay in that mindset, focus on what you can do to get out of it. Sounds simple but daym it only clicked when my brain got washed.
One of my colleagues (who is the first one to be friendly with me) seems to have a disordered relationship with food and exercise which they've spoken about. Did it trigger me? No. But I was happy to hear the other colleagues being supportive and I also gave some encouraging words and reasons why xxx behaviours will only harm them in the long run. As for myself, I've skipped some meals and restricted as my shifts are smack bang in the middle of my meal times and it's so easy to not eat when working.
My weight is up a bit which is bothersome but understandable considering my Darling and I had a bbq the other day when the sun was out and I ate half a baguette, 2 hot dogs and veggie shish kebabs. And then ate a vegan kit kat afterwards. I'm split; I love that there's vegan alternatives widespread, but I hate how tempting they all are. When I first became vegan there wasn't half as much as there is now and keeping the weight off was easier. It's fine.
After my shift today I went to a pharmacy to pick up some stuff when I saw that they were selling discounted Lady Prelox. I've heard mixed reviews of this female viagra but decided to buy it anyway since it's discounted. I've had to dip into my savings as I've ran out of spending money and I won't get paid until a month at least. If these pills don't work I will cry at the amount of money I've wasted. It was embarrassing to buy them as well, and I asked the salesperson if this is a scam which confused them and embarrassed myself further. Never going into that store again. They had a shit selection anyway. Ugh but I'll have to walk past it everyday and maybe even see the salespeople in my workplace ugh.
One nice thing is that my fur baby misses me a lot when I'm not home to supply his cuddle needs. My Darling too, but I don't know if he heard me come home and I can't be arsed to announce myself. I'll just eat some baby corn and get cuddles from my baby boi.
One of my colleagues (who is the first one to be friendly with me) seems to have a disordered relationship with food and exercise which they've spoken about. Did it trigger me? No. But I was happy to hear the other colleagues being supportive and I also gave some encouraging words and reasons why xxx behaviours will only harm them in the long run. As for myself, I've skipped some meals and restricted as my shifts are smack bang in the middle of my meal times and it's so easy to not eat when working.
My weight is up a bit which is bothersome but understandable considering my Darling and I had a bbq the other day when the sun was out and I ate half a baguette, 2 hot dogs and veggie shish kebabs. And then ate a vegan kit kat afterwards. I'm split; I love that there's vegan alternatives widespread, but I hate how tempting they all are. When I first became vegan there wasn't half as much as there is now and keeping the weight off was easier. It's fine.
After my shift today I went to a pharmacy to pick up some stuff when I saw that they were selling discounted Lady Prelox. I've heard mixed reviews of this female viagra but decided to buy it anyway since it's discounted. I've had to dip into my savings as I've ran out of spending money and I won't get paid until a month at least. If these pills don't work I will cry at the amount of money I've wasted. It was embarrassing to buy them as well, and I asked the salesperson if this is a scam which confused them and embarrassed myself further. Never going into that store again. They had a shit selection anyway. Ugh but I'll have to walk past it everyday and maybe even see the salespeople in my workplace ugh.
One nice thing is that my fur baby misses me a lot when I'm not home to supply his cuddle needs. My Darling too, but I don't know if he heard me come home and I can't be arsed to announce myself. I'll just eat some baby corn and get cuddles from my baby boi.
♡I'm Legendary, all Legs, no Dairy, and this is My Diary♡
#1932
- Accountability access
- 114 posts
Advanced Member
Posted 12 July 2021 - 09:52 AM
KITTEN!!! I just rushed on here, I just saw this app and immediately thought of you and how you are struggling with sex (me too but in a different way) I hope it helps you ❤
Heres the link:
https://www.meetrosy.com/
Heres the link:
https://www.meetrosy.com/
- KittenPurrincess likes this
- Like This
#1933
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 27 July 2021 - 05:16 AM
BlueMist99, on 12 Jul 2021 - 09:52 AM, said:
KITTEN!!! I just rushed on here, I just saw this app and immediately thought of you and how you are struggling with sex (me too but in a different way) I hope it helps you
Heres the link:
https://www.meetrosy.com/
Omg thank you so much for this and for thinking of me :") I was so excited to try this app but unfortunately Google play is racist lol
I found some other apps that are kind of similar and I didn't know there even existed this kind of help out there. So thank you for this.
I need to post an update cause things have been moving forward in terms of sex things and also work and study. My partner has been supportive and slowly I am letting my walls down and exploring my body mind and existence. There is so much anxiety going on in my head and I just want it to go away so I'm doing all the hard things to put myself in a place where I can say "we're doing well, we're succeeding, the world is spinning, I'm growing, slowly but surely"....
♡I'm Legendary, all Legs, no Dairy, and this is My Diary♡
#1934
- Accountability access
- 131 posts
Warrior
Posted 27 July 2021 - 07:46 AM
I'm also in the UK, I love reading your accountability 
I don't know if you ever got your answers on the coil but I have the mirena coil in and basically he shouldn't be able to feel the strings, and you can go bareback. And also be as rough as you want, the coil is up in your womb, nowhere near the vagina the strings hanging out are just for removal and so you can check if it's still inserted.
- KittenPurrincess likes this
- Like This
#1935
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 28 July 2021 - 11:25 AM
adaliaismissing, on 27 Jul 2021 - 07:46 AM, said:
I'm also in the UK, I love reading your accountability
Aww thank you for hearing me out ♡♡♡ I did figure out all the things you mentioned and actually after having it in for over a month, I've not had pains or bleeding after about 3 weeks. And had all kinds of sex and it was alright, like it wasn't there. Sometimes i can still feel a ghostly shadow of the stabbing pain, esp after sex, but it's not lasting and yea I do wonder if I'm going to start ovulating since the change of hormones which will mean I might have monthly bloody breakdowns but they might just never bother me either. At least that's one stress I can demote and cross off the list of things I'm anxious about.
♡I'm Legendary, all Legs, no Dairy, and this is My Diary♡
#1936
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 05 August 2021 - 08:17 AM
Been needing to write an update for ages. Just never have found the time between work, studies, sleep and living in the moment I guess? I've gone through so much stress recently but I thing I'm at the tail end of the most stressful events.
[ ] My Darling's sickness.
He's been sick with a cough for a year (not covid) and generally gets sick every 2 weeks. We had our first Covid jags and he had a terrible reaction to the vaccine. I was fine, maybe my arm was sore but not noticeably. He ended up in hospital from shortness of breath and numbness of body. At the hospital, which he had to pester to even show up and take him, they didn't find anything wrong with him other than anxiety and sent him home. Then he's gotten in touch with the GP who told him he's got an immune deficiency. Why it took so long to get the news is beyond me. Anyway, he is now being treated with medication and his lungs are being monitored. This stress can be taken off me now and placed on the medical care system. I've been carrying this stress and anxiety and not coping. It's one thing going through illness, which if it was me who was sick I'd much prefer and love that. But watching someone I love being sick and struggling is just something I can't cope with. I've carried this for too long and I was at my wits end. Now that's one thing I can cross off my stress list.
My cousin in Algeria died of Covid recently, and he was young, but also had an immune disorder. That got me stressed about my Darling's health and my Crypto middle brother who doesnt talk or leave his room or go to the doctors despite being sick. I love him so much. I feel like I'm not doing enough for him.
Had some stress about finding one of the fox cubs that like to frolick in our garden. I found him just lying dead in our garden after seeing him alive only a few hours later. Luckily I made a report to the council and they removed him before I woke up the next day.
We also had a roof tile fall off the next day but my Darling was really good about getting a roofer in to fix it.
Been bingeing here and there but keeping it in a safe margin. Weight is still under 45kg.
I've not been bleeding on Kyleena and having no pain which is good. Have been exploring my sexuality and taking any chance I could to flick that bean and figure it all out. Even sex with my Darling has been going good. I'm doing well.
Getting along with colleagues at work is helping my self esteem. Compliments at work and high praise from customers and management is also adding to my self assurance.
Driving lessons going great despite my anxiety. Last week I was so nervous and kept making mistakes and taking criticism to heart. This week my sensei called me a "dynamite driver" in front if his friend. I've done 20 hours so far and sensei says I'm doing super well.
My dad finally started using my little brother's pronouns which is a big step since he is a traditional Conservative Muslim. He didn't seem to accepting until my brother turned 18 but it goes to show he loves his children and is learning every day. They are in Poland right now and my lil bro keep sending me snaps with our baby sister and I miss her and she misses me ughhhh. I wish I was there but maybe if the borders open and I've had my second vaccine I might go in the autumn. I've sent my baby sister the little Hello Kitty toy I made for her but it's still not arrived after a few months so that's really upsetting that perhaps it got lost in the mail.
But yeah. Things are going well. I'm coping a lot better now than I have been a few weeks ago. Just gotta keep on trudging on.
[ ] My Darling's sickness.
He's been sick with a cough for a year (not covid) and generally gets sick every 2 weeks. We had our first Covid jags and he had a terrible reaction to the vaccine. I was fine, maybe my arm was sore but not noticeably. He ended up in hospital from shortness of breath and numbness of body. At the hospital, which he had to pester to even show up and take him, they didn't find anything wrong with him other than anxiety and sent him home. Then he's gotten in touch with the GP who told him he's got an immune deficiency. Why it took so long to get the news is beyond me. Anyway, he is now being treated with medication and his lungs are being monitored. This stress can be taken off me now and placed on the medical care system. I've been carrying this stress and anxiety and not coping. It's one thing going through illness, which if it was me who was sick I'd much prefer and love that. But watching someone I love being sick and struggling is just something I can't cope with. I've carried this for too long and I was at my wits end. Now that's one thing I can cross off my stress list.
My cousin in Algeria died of Covid recently, and he was young, but also had an immune disorder. That got me stressed about my Darling's health and my Crypto middle brother who doesnt talk or leave his room or go to the doctors despite being sick. I love him so much. I feel like I'm not doing enough for him.
Had some stress about finding one of the fox cubs that like to frolick in our garden. I found him just lying dead in our garden after seeing him alive only a few hours later. Luckily I made a report to the council and they removed him before I woke up the next day.
We also had a roof tile fall off the next day but my Darling was really good about getting a roofer in to fix it.
Been bingeing here and there but keeping it in a safe margin. Weight is still under 45kg.
I've not been bleeding on Kyleena and having no pain which is good. Have been exploring my sexuality and taking any chance I could to flick that bean and figure it all out. Even sex with my Darling has been going good. I'm doing well.
Getting along with colleagues at work is helping my self esteem. Compliments at work and high praise from customers and management is also adding to my self assurance.
Driving lessons going great despite my anxiety. Last week I was so nervous and kept making mistakes and taking criticism to heart. This week my sensei called me a "dynamite driver" in front if his friend. I've done 20 hours so far and sensei says I'm doing super well.
My dad finally started using my little brother's pronouns which is a big step since he is a traditional Conservative Muslim. He didn't seem to accepting until my brother turned 18 but it goes to show he loves his children and is learning every day. They are in Poland right now and my lil bro keep sending me snaps with our baby sister and I miss her and she misses me ughhhh. I wish I was there but maybe if the borders open and I've had my second vaccine I might go in the autumn. I've sent my baby sister the little Hello Kitty toy I made for her but it's still not arrived after a few months so that's really upsetting that perhaps it got lost in the mail.
But yeah. Things are going well. I'm coping a lot better now than I have been a few weeks ago. Just gotta keep on trudging on.
♡I'm Legendary, all Legs, no Dairy, and this is My Diary♡
#1937
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 07 August 2021 - 03:30 AM
Weight today is 45.2kg which sucks but at least I'm still in the BMI16s. 16.8 to be exact. Only got myself to blame.
♡I'm Legendary, all Legs, no Dairy, and this is My Diary♡
#1938
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 23 August 2021 - 05:51 AM
Weight: 45kg
Bmi: 16.7
I waited until my stomach was flat to weigh myself but clearly my binges are making me fat even tho they are few and far in-between.
My friend Fashion from London visited me the other day which was such a sweet experience. She came up with her partner and finally I managed to get my Darling to come out as well. Although he was feeling weak and sick bit still manages to have a good time. It was so peak because I rolled myself one strong and one weak joint to take with me. I smoked the shit one and then I couldn't find the good one. It must've failed out of my pocket! I hope someone found it and had a whale of a time in my stead. I ended up smoking Fashion's partners fags with him, finishing the pack between us. I dont smoke tobacco anymore so it gave me a rush to substitute my lost joint. To the point where I threw up a little in the toilets in a pub. Oh well.
I did my nails for the occasion which was my first time wearing fakeys. Some pics below....
Bmi: 16.7
I waited until my stomach was flat to weigh myself but clearly my binges are making me fat even tho they are few and far in-between.
My friend Fashion from London visited me the other day which was such a sweet experience. She came up with her partner and finally I managed to get my Darling to come out as well. Although he was feeling weak and sick bit still manages to have a good time. It was so peak because I rolled myself one strong and one weak joint to take with me. I smoked the shit one and then I couldn't find the good one. It must've failed out of my pocket! I hope someone found it and had a whale of a time in my stead. I ended up smoking Fashion's partners fags with him, finishing the pack between us. I dont smoke tobacco anymore so it gave me a rush to substitute my lost joint. To the point where I threw up a little in the toilets in a pub. Oh well.
I did my nails for the occasion which was my first time wearing fakeys. Some pics below....
♡I'm Legendary, all Legs, no Dairy, and this is My Diary♡
#1939
- Accountability access
- 4998 posts
Omniscient
- LocationU.K.
Posted 24 August 2021 - 04:07 AM
Weight: 44.5kg
Bmi: 16.5
Fluctuations make me lose my mind. But as long as I'm losing weight I won't complain.
Lies. Yall know all I do is complain lmao
My life has become such a coming of age sitcom. I'm 24.
I've been keeping one of the vibrators in my room for self discovery reasons and last night my Darling asked me if I've seen this vibe anywhere cause he was looking for it and it wasn't in the packaging.
Shit...... it was bedtime and I was too tired to be brave and tell him that it's just in my room. I've been doing really well in my sexual journey so far and having positive experiences with opening up and engaging in the activity.
So I was playing dumb like, which one, have you looked under the bed, maybe it's fallen out into another box from when we moved house? He thought he put it somewhere stupid when he was high and tbh I played along, maybe you did, maybe its fallen behind a couch?
Lmao in my head I was plotting a plan of how I'm going to hide it somewhere logical for it to be found by him inconspicuously. Like trying to hide it from a strict parent! I know he would be so proud of me for using the vibe and working hard on myself and the relationship. But I'm just too scared right now. Maybe next time I'm on drugs I'll tell him , or it will spill out.
In any case I hid it under the bed while he was out, but then I took it out and washed it. When he came home I told him I found it under the bed and washed it. So much for keeping secrets. I wonder what he has in plan for all these toys?
The other day a customer came in, it was an adult woman maybe in her late 20s? In any case she was asking me about condoms, repeating how embarrassed she is about it. Then she told me she's still living at home with strict Asian/Muslim parents and how she had to hide them. I could completely relate as someone from a similar upbringing. Luckily I managed to move out, though my dad did ask intrusive questions at the time. I told the lady I don't judge and its nothing to be embarrassed about, no shame, it's natural and at least you're staying safe with using protection. She thanked me and I wished her luck.
I've come far. And all I needed to do is come consistently lol.
Tmi. Dont Care. Bye!
Bmi: 16.5
Fluctuations make me lose my mind. But as long as I'm losing weight I won't complain.
Lies. Yall know all I do is complain lmao
My life has become such a coming of age sitcom. I'm 24.
I've been keeping one of the vibrators in my room for self discovery reasons and last night my Darling asked me if I've seen this vibe anywhere cause he was looking for it and it wasn't in the packaging.
Shit...... it was bedtime and I was too tired to be brave and tell him that it's just in my room. I've been doing really well in my sexual journey so far and having positive experiences with opening up and engaging in the activity.
So I was playing dumb like, which one, have you looked under the bed, maybe it's fallen out into another box from when we moved house? He thought he put it somewhere stupid when he was high and tbh I played along, maybe you did, maybe its fallen behind a couch?
Lmao in my head I was plotting a plan of how I'm going to hide it somewhere logical for it to be found by him inconspicuously. Like trying to hide it from a strict parent! I know he would be so proud of me for using the vibe and working hard on myself and the relationship. But I'm just too scared right now. Maybe next time I'm on drugs I'll tell him , or it will spill out.
In any case I hid it under the bed while he was out, but then I took it out and washed it. When he came home I told him I found it under the bed and washed it. So much for keeping secrets. I wonder what he has in plan for all these toys?
The other day a customer came in, it was an adult woman maybe in her late 20s? In any case she was asking me about condoms, repeating how embarrassed she is about it. Then she told me she's still living at home with strict Asian/Muslim parents and how she had to hide them. I could completely relate as someone from a similar upbringing. Luckily I managed to move out, though my dad did ask intrusive questions at the time. I told the lady I don't judge and its nothing to be embarrassed about, no shame, it's natural and at least you're staying safe with using protection. She thanked me and I wished her luck.
I've come far. And all I needed to do is come consistently lol.
Tmi. Dont Care. Bye!
♡I'm Legendary, all Legs, no Dairy, and this is My Diary♡
