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Posted Today, 06:29 PM
Day 26, Post 2
Since the last time I posted here a few hours ago, I’ve spent a few moments deeply reflecting on the current state of my life. That thought has lead me to a conclusion that I should have come to sooner. I’m now going to be blunt and direct with myself: I’ve let the ED bullshit begin taking a hold on my life again, inviting it back in more than I should. Sneaky bitch, the ED. Snuck up on me quick this time. At least I realize it now, hopefully before it’s too late to promptly turn things back around.
The purging is going to have to stop, or at least become a rare occurrence. It was like that for a while, and I know it is achievable again. When I manage to quit purging, b/p will leave right along with it as a welcome bonus.
There are several scenarios that can lead me to purge, and sometimes I can’t even pinpoint the reason I do it. It often results after my thoughts and anxiety begin to spiral out of control. It’s a fucked up way to cope, but it does take my mind away from any more immediate issues. It’s numbing in a way.
If I decided to explain where the self-loathing comes from, I could type for hours. But I won’t do that. I’ll keep it short and maybe share some of my life’s stories in more detail later on. For now, I’ll just say that I have done some things ranging from questionable to abhorrent, much of it in my younger teenage years. These things had lasting repercussions that continue to impact my life, and loved ones lives. Whenever my current self does something that’s not ideal (including some ED behaviors) it brings my feelings of being an unsuccessful burden right back up to the surface.
I am going to go on and break myself out of this negative cycle soon. I’m going back to doing what I “should” be doing - the things that keep me happy & healthy, not the things the eating disorder compels me to do. It’s time to begin to treat myself as someone valuable again, because I can’t expect much from myself when I don’t even take care of myself.
Stats under spoiler:
Trying to survive alongside this disease, and hoping I will someday find my way out. I am not ready to recover, but I will not willingly succumb to my eating disorder.
M y A c c o u n t a b i l i t y : https://www.myproana...hotos-included/
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